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Ask HN: Anyone know any funny programming jokes?
Can be super esoteric or super generalized, I love it when I get them, or when I just learn something new.
- nvader 6y agoYes
- arthurcolle 6y ago10/10
- verdverm 6y agoThere are only two problems in programming... Naming things, cache eviction, and off by one errors
- harveynick 6y agoAnd feature creep.
- keskadale 6y agoThere are only two hard problems in computer science: 0) Cache invalidation 1) Naming things 5) Asynchronous callbacks 2) Off-by-one errors 3) Scope creep 6) Bounds checking
- fsflover 6y agoThere are only two hard problems in distributed systems: 2. Exactly-once delivery 1. Guaranteed order of messages 2. Exactly-once delivery
- valzam 6y agoReminds me of There are only 2 hard things about programming: - Cache invalidation - Naming things - Off-by-one errors
- skellystudios 6y agoCache invalidation isn’t hard, but it used to be and now we can’t get people to think otherwise.
- rvense 6y agoI heard that the two main problems in computer science is that we have only one joke and it's not very funny.
- jbn 6y agocache invalidation is not hard indeed, but people always forget about it (so caches aren't caches aanymore, they become stale copies of things...). People tend to forget that a cache has to have a fixed size and an eviction policy.
- jjgreen 6y agoHow many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? :- False
- piinbinary 6y agoCan Prolog be used to create AI? :- No.
- arthurcolle 6y agoHaha this one is great
- z5h 6y agoThis is my GOTO programming joke.
- robertbalent 6y agoWhy do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
- johnthuss 6y agoThere are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
- arthurcolle 6y agoThe hex version is good too - There are 16 types of people in the world: those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- sloaken 6y agoThe real answer is: Those who don't understand binary Those that think its a binary joke Those who understand trinary no no it is: Those who don't understand binary Those that think its a binary joke Those that think its a trinary joke Those who understand base 4 ...
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- hpb42 6y agoOne can generalize this joke and use mathematical Induction to tell infinite jokes.
- lhorie 6y agoA human and a alien are talking about their number systems Human: Oh, I see you use base 4. We use base 10. Alien: WTF is base 4? We use base 10.
- kaliara 6y agoNow this I like!
- Sprite_tm 6y ago
- pantelisk 6y agoSome people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems. (quote from Jamie Zawinski)
- helph67 6y agoDefinition of Recursion:- see Recursion
- musicale 6y agoLoop, Infinite: see Infinite Loop Infinite Loop: see Loop, Infinite
- Silhouette 6y agorecursion, n. See tail recursion. tail recursion, n. See tail recursion.
- goatcode 6y agoWhy do programmers wear costumes to Christmas parties? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.
- arthurcolle 6y agoDamn 0o31 actually does equal 25, that's great. Evidence of simulation theory, clearly ;)
- tj-teej 6y agoA boy and a girl are sitting next to each other in a Java Computer Science class. The boy reaches over and starts going through the girls purse. The girl says: "Hey! That's private!" The boy replies: "But we're in the same class!"
- probinso 6y ago!1
- tilolebo 6y agoA programmer had a problem. He thought to himself: "I know, I'll solve this with threads!" has Now problems. two he
- imglorp 6y agoThen he thought he'd use Java. Now he has a ProblemFactory.
- spacemanmatt 6y agoThis is funny because no one uses the factory pattern in other languages
- isoprophlex 6y agoYou'd be surprised to see how many WhateverFactory classes there are in the current python project I'm working on... sigh.
- number6 6y agoUsing FactoryBoy for testing?
- sheikheddy 6y agoSadly I've seen it used in Scala
- marcosdumay 6y agoWell, to a first approximation, no, nobody uses the factory pattern in other languages. Once in a long while you see one in C# or C++. But the people making fun of Java aren't comparing it with C# and C++.
- spacemanmatt 6y agoI used C/C++ for years, and I just don't believe that the world+dog quit creational design patterns. It was just now very easy to find a database connection pool for C++ that is exactly a connection factory. Would you mind clarifying your comment that almost nobody uses factory patterns in other languages with some sense of exactness as to what is and what isn't a factory?
- bitxbitxbitcoin 6y agoHello, would you like to hear a TCP joke? Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke. OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke. OK, I'll hear a TCP joke. Are you ready to hear a TCP joke? Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke. OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline. OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline. I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke? (Credits to whoever first came up with this.)
- chrisshroba 6y agoWould you like to hear a UDP jo
- melenaos 6y agoI would say UTP joke but i am not sure if anyone catch it.
- sidpatil 6y agoYou've got a twisted sense of humor.
- teraflop 6y ago"HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD ARP JOKE?"
- royaltheartist 6y agoDid you know that Javascript programmers are giving up double quote strings for Lint?
- infradig 6y agoHere's one from the olden days... Q: How are programmers like card machines? A: With both you have to punch the information in.
- jjgreen 6y agoI heard a variant of this from musicians -- why is a drummer like a drum machine ...
- simon_acca 6y agoI would tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it
- Hedepig 6y agoYou wouldn't care if he got it anyway
- michalc 6y agoMy favourite: "What do we want?" "Now!" "When do we want it?" "Fewer race conditions!"
- dang 6y agoBesides being a great joke, it explains the concept perfectly.
- quickthrower2 6y agoFor time travelling race conditions yes!
- swills 6y agoWhat do we want? Time Travel! When do we want it? Doesn't matter!
- sudeepj 6y agoThis actually is very clever!
- dharmab 6y agoA QA engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. She orders 2 beers. She orders 0 beers. She orders -1 beers. She orders a lizard. She orders a NULLPTR. She tries to leave without paying. Satisfied, she declares the bar ready for business. The first customer comes in an orders a beer. They finish their drink, and then ask where the bathroom is. The bar explodes.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- senectus1 6y agoNot a programmer, but this is good.
- eyelidlessness 6y agoIf you mean you're not a programmer, rad, good compliment. If you mean QA engineers aren't programmers... wtaf?
- spacemanmatt 6y agoIt's weird how some people admit they still test code by hand
- worik 6y agoI do
- eyelidlessness 6y agoI mean, I’m a programmer and I still test code manually. I’m not sure why it has to be xor
- onionisafruit 6y agoIf “by hand” you mean using your hands to type code that generates tests, then yes, I admit to testing code by hand.
- dharmab 6y agoI recommend The Codeless Code, a series of humorous programming-themed Buddhist koans. http://thecodelesscode.com/contents http://thecodelesscode.com/contents
- smlckz 6y agoI actually read all of them. Why they stopped adding new ones? Any similiar list of programming koans?
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- axelsvensson 6y agoIf programming seems hard, it might be because you need to learn a separate discipline depending on the order of magnitude of your codebase LOC: 10⁰: Axiomatics 10¹: Logic 10²: Mathematics 10³: Computer Science 10⁴: Software Engineering 10⁵: Group Psychology 10⁶: Politics 10⁷: Crisis Management
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- rramadass 6y agoNeat!
- closeparen 6y agoA Markov chain trained on CS textbooks and the Bible. https://kingjamesprogramming.tumblr.com/ https://kingjamesprogramming.tumblr.com/
- plekter 6y agoSome of these are pure gold! "2:4 And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more like a controlled use of shared memory."
- kodah 6y ago> 25:34 But the field of computer science and AI research. All attracted bright people who contributed great things to the church The Church of Skynet demands sacrifice
- alexeldeib 6y agothoroughly enjoyed https://thedoomthatcametopuppet.tumblr.com/ https://thedoomthatcametopuppet.tumblr.com/ linked from that page, same idea (same person?)
- markvdb 6y ago5:5 And, behold, I will deliver you up to the programmer tendency to build overelaborate castles of abstractions.
- archi42 6y agoWorking on the lower levels, I have to wholeheartedly agree: > Depart ye; it is unclean; thou shalt burn it in the place of Tophet, because of all the machine registers
- AnimalMuppet 6y ago#ifdef GET_A_HEARING_AID (From the Bad C Pun Contest, 1992, C/C++ User's Journal. I've never forgotten it.)
- thedanbob 6y agoXML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you're not using enough of it.
- throwawybillion 6y agoOr: it's never the answer
- TimSchumann 6y agoSeems expedient at the time but always comes back to haunt you.
- preparat 6y agoI think I saw this on reddit years ago: Programmer's wife: "when you go to the store, can you buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six." He comes back with 6 cartons of milk. Wife: "why would you buy six cartons of milk?" "Well, they had eggs"
- nvader 6y agoThe next time she says to him, "while you're at the store, pick up some bananas." Legend says he's at the store still.
- musicale 6y agoProgrammers will also use up all the shampoo if the label says "lather, rinse, repeat" with no explicit termination condition.
- mark-r 6y agoThat one can be attributed to Grace Hopper.
- sjburt 6y agoSince when do programmers read the documentation?
- dfex 6y agoFortunately showering doesn't appear to be common in the profession
- nvader 6y agoExcept for: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25866309 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25866309
- klik99 6y agoI get it, she’s upset that he didn’t get 7, which is technicallly what she meant.
- mindcrime 6y agoNot exactly programming per-se, but cute: A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer from Microsoft are in a car together, driving to a conference. They start down a hill when the brakes give out and they crash into a tree at the bottom of the hill. Luckily no one is seriously injured, and they set out to figure out what happened. The mechanical engineer examines the car and says "I believe a brake line was over-pressured and burst, causing the crash." The electrical engineer looks and say "No, I think it was a short-circuit in the anti-lock braking system." The Microsoft guy stays quiet, so the other two look at him and ask "What do you think happened?" He looks up and say "I don't know, but let's push the car back to the top of the hill and try again." --- A newly wed software engineer from Microsoft and his wife are going to visit her family in the mountains. For some reason they have to travel separately and she arrives before him. After a while the phone rings and the new wife's dad answers. It's the husband. He says "Tell everybody I'll be there in 5 minutes." 35 minutes pass and the phone rings again. The husband says "Tell everybody I'll be there in 2 hours." A minute later he calls again and says "Tell everybody I'll be there in 14 minutes." 45 minutes later the phone rings again and the dad answers and says "You're the guy who designed the Windows progress bar dialog aren't you?"
- jolmg 6y agohttps://xkcd.com/612/ https://xkcd.com/612/
- thayne 6y agoI once worked on making a progress bar for a process that had a known number of tasks. Unfortunately not all tasks would take the same amount of time, and it was impossible to know the relative amount of time each task would take beforehand. I did the logical thing, and had the progress bar advance 1/nth every time a task completed, with an animation to make it less jarring. A few weeks later, the product manager came to me and told me I needed to make it so the progress bar kept slowly moving up if no tasks were completed for a certain amount of time, so the user would know that work was still being done. Fine. But what happens if the task takes so long that it goes past the mark for the next completed task? Well, when the task is actually completed, it moves backwards of course.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- johnthuss 6y ago"I am Devloper" on twitter is amusing: https://twitter.com/iamdevloper https://twitter.com/iamdevloper
- jimbokun 6y agohttps://twitter.com/iamdevloper/status/1346841020869324802 https://twitter.com/iamdevloper/status/1346841020869324802
- musicale 6y agoNot really a joke but: Most problems in computing can be solved by adding an additional layer of abstraction or indirection ...except for problems resulting from too many layers of abstraction or indirection.
- musicale 6y agoIf automotive transportation had advanced as fast as computing then cars would travel at the speed of sound, run completely on solar power, and cost about 50 cents. And every day thousands of them would drive to random locations and explode.
- karmakaze 6y ago> And every day thousands of them would drive to random locations and explode. Bit close to the truth with v1.0 self-driving Level 3 or 4 and denser battery tech.
- drakudo 6y agoWho's here still remembers protoLOL? https://protolol.com/ https://protolol.com/
- jaytaylor 6y ago"I once went to an ARP restaurant. Thank god I didn’t eat the food! It was poisoned.."
- anotherevan 6y agoRT @HackerNewsOnion: California has ruled it illegal to conceal a company’s JIRA subscription for the purpose of attracting engineers.
- anotherevan 6y ago“A full-stack developer is one who can add technical debt to any layer of the application.”
- anotherevan 6y agoRT @iamdevloper: I think I’ve had milk last longer than some JavaScript frameworks.
- anotherevan 6y agoRT @HackerNewsOnion: Developer accused of unreadable code refuses to comment.
- anotherevan 6y agoRT @bradneuberg: Moore’s Law giveth, JavaScript taketh away.
- alisonkisk 6y agoOriginal version: what Intel giveth, Microsoft taketh away.
- avmich 6y agoWhat Andy giveth, Bill taketh away.
- anotherevan 6y ago“The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” — Seymour Cray
- a_bored_husky 6y ago"The plural of regex is regrets"
- chrisbennet 6y agoSecurity is "S" in IOT.
- avmich 6y agoRemember that "S" in "IoT" stands for "Security".
- chrisbennet 6y ago!false It's funny because it's true.
- patal 6y agoThe Steve Yegge article: "Execution in the Kingdom of Nouns" serves basically as a Java joke story. http://steve-yegge.blogspot.com/2006/03/execution-in-kingdom-of-nouns.html http://steve-yegge.blogspot.com/2006/03/execution-in-kingdom...
- wging 6y agoYes. (ok, this one's actually a logic joke...)
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- NortySpock 6y agoAh, logic jokes... Three philosophers walk into a bar, and the bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?" The first one says "I don't know." The second one says "I don't know." The third one says "Yes!"
- linux2647 6y agoUgh this is why I hated logic problems in school. Anyone care to help a poor soul understand the meaning of this joke?
- codetrotter 6y agoThe bartender asked if all of them wanted a drink. Logician number one does not know whether logicians number two and three want a drink or not, so he can’t say yes. If he did not want a drink though, he could say no because then it would not be true that they all wanted a drink. But he wants a drink. Therefore he says he don’t know, because it will depend on whether the other two want drinks or not. Same applies to logician number two. She is still missing info about the third logician and therefore says she doesn’t know. The third logician now knows that both of the other two want drinks, and so can answer that all of them want drinks.
- th0114nd 6y agoIt’s a short circuiting conjunction. Consider `aliceWantsADrink && bobWantsADrink`. If Alice doesn’t want a drink, she knows it’s not the case that both of them want a drink. Since she says “maybe” instead of “no” she signals to Bob that she wants a drink, and so he concludes they both want a drink.
- wging 6y ago
- kodah 6y agoWhat's the computational complexity of an average developer workload on Linux? O(Chrome)
- motyar 6y agotrue
- ThrustVectoring 6y agoThree logisticians just finished dinner, and the waitress comes up and asks "do y'all want dessert?" The first logistician says "I don't know." The second also says "I don't know." The last says "yes, we would."
- mrec 6y ago"Logician". A logistician is someone who deals with logistics.
- onionisafruit 6y agoNo. A logician is a lounge act that saws a log in half.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- dhagz 6y agoThat's a boring act.
- quickthrower2 6y agoNice this is my favourite so far!
- tandr 6y agoWould you be kind and explain this joke please?
- spost 6y agoThe waitress asked if they would ALL like dessert. If the first logician did NOT want dessert, then they could safely answer "no", because then it would not be the case that ALL of the logicians want dessert. Since they do not answer no, we can assume they do want dessert. The same follows for the second logician. The third (who also wants dessert) has heard their colleagues answer, and knows that if either of them did not want dessert they would have answered no, and can therefore now answer "yes, we would all like dessert".
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- dharmatech 6y agoWhat did the error-correcting RAM say to the buggy Pentium chip? BOOLSHIT!
- jaredwiener 6y agoKnock knock. Who's th-- RACE CONDITION.
- tuxychandru 6y agoWhat is the collective noun for programmers? Merge conflict.
- DamnInteresting 6y agoSo close...it should be "What is the collective noun for 'programmer'?"
- redmattred 6y agoI have a bunch up at https://www.codepuns.com https://www.codepuns.com So a programming language walks into a bar and says “hello world”
- lhorie 6y agoApparently a true story: A guy was walking around in a Ruby conference with a shirt that said ":sex" (which is read "sex symbol" in Ruby). Until someone asked him: "I don't get it. Why colon sex?"
- dariusj18 6y agoC:##
- Cthulhu_ 6y agoC:ENTER:### (album title)
- mPReDiToR 6y agoAs an Englishman, that symbol is "sharp" (or hash) which does two things. It makes the sex sound painful, then gives you a second smirk when you remember that it means "pound (£)" in American.
- dariusj18 6y agoI guess it would prevent that kind of misunderstanding if the joke was written "C:££", but then again, the slight misreading I think adds to the joke when it is gotten.
- milkrocks 6y ago#MeToo always felt awkward and not well thought out.
- mnw21cam 6y agoThe register[1] quite conclusively determined that the symbol was pronounced "splat". [1] https://www.theregister.com/2002/07/04/why_microsoft_makes_a_complete/ https://www.theregister.com/2002/07/04/why_microsoft_makes_a...
- kcartlidge 6y agoOne possible cause of confusion in terms of a hash (#) being called pound (£) in the US was that (as I recall even in the mid-1980s) in many cases with ASCII/EBCDIC character set terminals and printers the same number code displayed as a # in the US but as a £ (pound) in the UK (eg ISO646 vs BS4730, or EBCDIC 297 vs 37). So when cross-Atlantic conversations occurred the US would hear/read us in the UK refer to (they thought) # by the name pound, when we thought we were describing the actual pound (£) character that we were seeing on our end.
- breck 6y agoThere are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
- akeck 6y agoThere are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke.
- umvi 6y agoPro tip: if you want to get someone a birthday card, just get them a card that says "10 years old!" on the front. Then use a sharpie to put an asterisk after the "10" and then on the inside of the card put: "* (in base X)", where X is how many years they are turning. Worked well for my 2 year old daughter as well as my 57 year old dad.
- SAI_Peregrinus 6y agoThere are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who understand that "10" can represent any number if you change the base. (Changing joke this to work amusingly for irrational bases like the golden ratio base[1] is something I haven't yet figured out.) [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_ratio_base https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golden_ratio_base
- breck 6y agoThe 2 problems you can never completely eliminate in your code are the need for tests, suboptimal names, and off by one errors.
- jkingsbery 6y agoThe way I heard this (https://twitter.com/codinghorror/status/506010907021828096?lang=en https://twitter.com/codinghorror/status/506010907021828096?l...) was "There are two hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off by one errors." Still good though.
- King-Aaron 6y agophp
- sova 6y agoIn Futurama, Bender has a nightmare in binary, "one's and zeros everywhere! ...and I think I saw a 2." Fry replies, "it was just a dream Bender, there's no such thing as 2" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOn_ySghN2Y https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOn_ySghN2Y
- notadev 6y agoWhy'd the programmer quit his job? He couldn't get arrays.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- fctorial 6y agoMongoDB is webscale: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2F-DItXtZs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2F-DItXtZs
- hinkley 6y agoToo soon, man. Too soon.
- closeparen 6y agoThe medical profession's use of this format is also hilarious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rTsvb2ef5k https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rTsvb2ef5k
- krylon 6y agoI almost messed my pants watching this! It's hilarious! Thanks!
- gramie 6y agoWhat's the difference between an introverted programmer and an extroverted programmer? The extroverted programmer looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
- sparks1970 6y agoBest one yet!
- kchr 6y agoHeard this but with with NSA agents instead of programmers :-)
- CRConrad 6y agoFinns.
- jacobobryant 6y agoQ: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Programmers don't change light bulbs; that's a hardware problem.
- SilasX 6y agoQ: How many Haskell programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Irrelevant, that's a side effect.
- jonathankoren 6y agoQ: How many Google engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just change the standard to dark. ————— Originally (circa 1998) this was Microsoft joke, but this is a good update.
- BugWatch 6y agoAlternative Answer: None, they'll just google-graveyard the electricity service.
- jonathankoren 6y agoOh! That’s even better!
- EliasY 6y agoQ: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: No.
- fuzzfactor 6y agoQ: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We'll fix it in software. Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The application can work around it. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We'll document it in the manual. Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The user can figure it out.
- cheezeburger 6y agoI have a UDP joke but I'm not sure you'd get it.
- breck 6y agoA perfect function has zero params, a great function has one param, and a buggy function
- ajxs 6y ago(Not my joke) At a recent real-time Java conference, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
- minikomi 6y agoI thought the punchline was going to be about waiting for garbage collection to finish
- young_unixer 6y agoIf Java had true garbage collection, it would collect itself.
- drran 6y agoJava is written in C, so it cannot.
- mirekrusin 6y agoTruffle went meta and they have java in java now, which gives some nice things.
- moontear 6y agoIf the plane were my machine there would be no danger.
- 2rsf 6y agoI thought that 'real-time Java' was the joke
- bmgxyz 6y ago
- hackerbob 6y agoWhy did the programmer leave the restaurant? He didn't like the table layout.
- hirundo 6y agoI bought a giant bottle of shampoo at Costco and it almost killed me by hypothermia. I started the shower then made the mistake of reading the instructions. It said lather, rinse, repeat.
- andrewcarter 6y agoWhy do Java developers wear glasses?... Because they don't C# EDIT: Ah someone already did that one- what's a ghost's favorite variable type? A BOOlean
- cf100clunk 6y agoFrench programmers use boullion variables. Goldsmiths use bullion variables.
- paxswill 6y agoAn SQL query walks up to a table and asks, “Can I join you?”
- mleonhard 6y agoA NoSQL database runs into some friends at a restaurant. "Why don't you join us?" "I would love to, but I can't join tables."
- willcipriano 6y agoJava is a DSL that turns XML into lengthy stack traces.
- readflaggedcomm 6y agoI started writing one, but only finished 90%.
- 29athrowaway 6y ago"If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution." - Robert Sewell
- rsprinkle 6y agoHow many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light's on in here so it must be on there too.
- jdauriemma 6y agoWhy was 6 afraid of base 7? Because 10 11 12
- dmcgee 6y agoAn old one: Q: how many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: none they just change the standard to darkness.
- ciaran-ifelse 6y agoI decided to solve a problem with regular expressions and now I have two problems.
- rsprinkle 6y agoHow many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light is working in here so it must be working there too.
- genjipress 6y agoWhy was there no popcorn at the next-gen OS conference? Because nobody implemented the kernel!
- rramadass 6y agoGroan!
- moneywoes 6y agoGood material for standup tomorrow, thank you all.
- exabrial 6y agoI mean https://images.app.goo.gl/NHmXYwYPfN8MyiBL7 https://images.app.goo.gl/NHmXYwYPfN8MyiBL7
- SilasX 6y agoMy favorite, which I repeat a lot: The reason God was able to finish the earth in only six days is that He didn't have to worry about backward-compatibility.
- asymptosis 6y agoNot precisely jokes, but the Unix Koans are both fun and insightful: https://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/unix-koans/ https://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/unix-koans/
- krapp 6y agoI don't have the joke, only the lame punch-line: "Compiler? I don't even know her!" Badum bum.
- pjm331 6y agoPart of a long proud lineage of terrible jokes. When asked for a tissue my dad would always say: “tissue? I barely know you!”
- jodrellblank 6y agoThere's a bot which posts that on Reddit comments at https://old.reddit.com/user/I-ardly-know-er https://old.reddit.com/user/I-ardly-know-er
- mfkp 6y agohttps://old.reddit.com/r/programmerhumor https://old.reddit.com/r/programmerhumor (Sort by top for some good ones)
- dboreham 6y agoMath joke: Always take care you don't get Descartes before Deshorse.
- canjobear 6y agoSyntactic sugar leads to cancer of the semicolon
- emme 6y agoBy Alan Perlis
- u801e 6y agoAl Gore may not have invented the internet, but he did come up with algorithms.
- rramadass 6y agoUnderappreciated; was a new one for me.
- fuzzfactor 6y agoTo explain algorithms a little more clearly to less mathematical students I actually introduce traditional logarithms in case they are not familiar, in terms that are easier to understand. For instance in a remote river with lumberjacks dancing on logjams without falling in the water, that's a type of logarithm at work. When Al Gore does it, that's an algorithm.
- hutzlibu 6y agoI do not get that one. US-Insider?
- CGamesPlay 6y ago> "Al Gore-ithms"
- Jtsummers 6y agoAl Gore was ridiculed for saying he invented the Internet (he didn't say that). The rest of the joke is playing off of that and then punning with his name.
- zhoujianfu 6y agoA physicist, chemist, and programmer were going to lunch together. When they got in the car though, it wouldn’t start. “Maybe it’s out of gas?” said the Chemist. “Maybe it’s a problem with the engine?” said the Physicist. “Maybe if we all just get out of the car and get back in.”
- avmich 6y ago“Maybe if we all just close all windows, turn off the car, get out of the car and get back in.”
- sli 6y agoThe touchscreen in my car is wonky (known issue, just haven't bothered to fix it), so when something goes sideways with the Bluetooth audio, turning the car off and back on is easily the fastest way to get my music back.
- shimonabi 6y agoIn my car, I have to disconnect the battery when the cheap 30$ Chinese radio freezes.
- the_pwner224 6y agoPut a toggle switch somewhere in the cabin and splice it between the car radio power wires and the battery. So you can easily reboot the radio without having to mess around under the hood.
- thejenk 6y agoA push button normally closed momentary switch would be pretty slick too. Also it would probably be best to put it on the ground wire. Car radios will have at least two power wires, one for constant power (which keeps the clock set, and favourite stations programmed), and one switched accessory power to command it on. Then again, a new $30 radio would be slicker still.
- yongjik 6y ago> Kubernetes is an Ancient Greek word meaning "More containers than customers." https://twitter.com/srbaker/status/1002286820078571532 https://twitter.com/srbaker/status/1002286820078571532
- guiriduro 6y agoBrilliant.
- smcameron 6y agoThese are both old, like me: There's a new object-oriented version of COBOL. It's called "Add 1 to COBOL". (Carbon dates back to the ancient time when C++ was basically object oriented C, so like, 1988 or so.) Here's one for the increasingly elderly people who prefer C over C++. "Whoever invented C++ doesn't know the difference between increment and excrement." (Best said in a cranky old man voice at an appropriate moment whilst battling a bug in some big C++ source base. Yeah, I know who Bjarne Stroustrup is. It's funnier with "whoever".)
- u801e 6y agoPound! Bang! Bin! Bash! Is this a shell script or a Batman comic?
- kchr 6y agoThis got me. :-)
- sytringy05 6y agoThe problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them
- andreareina 6y agoDid Did you Did you hear Did you hear the Did you hear the one Did you hear the one about Did you hear the one about traceroute?
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- cwperkins 6y agoThere are 2 hard problems in CS: - Cache invalidation - Naming things - Off-by-1 errors
- jacobkranz 6y agoThe two hardest problems a programmer faces: 1) what to name your variables 2) cache invalidation errors 3) off-by-one errors
- nl 6y ago> 1) what to name your variables The canonical version of this is "naming things". It's more general than just variable names as anyone who has dealt with a thingAbstractFactoryFactory or the problem of generating unique names in a distributed environment will attest.
- kiliantics 6y agoI'm a big fan of the "Ed is the standard text editor." joke
- vz8 6y agogit pull: open source skeet shooting
- motohagiography 6y ago"Simple, it's a monoid in the category of endofunctors."
- wglb 6y ago(Maybe more of a math joke) There are aleph null bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around, aleph null bottles of beer on the wall.
- mistersquid 6y agoOne of my all time favorites. Can’t remember where I first read it (Quora?), but it’s currently my top Google hit for “balloon programmer project manager joke”. [0] ============ A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend. I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude." "You must be a programmer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says, "You must be a project manager" "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." [0] https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/2rn8qx/i_have_this_joke_posted_in_my_officedamn_project/ https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/2rn8qx/i_h...
- yeuxardents 6y agoI sent this to a project manager once, and they didnt understand nor appreciate it.
- cantsingh 6y agoThey must be a project manager.
- yeuxardents 6y agoI, perhaps appropriately, improperly calculated their threshold for humor.
- mkarliner 6y ago
- sacredcows 6y agoMy favourite: "guys isn't it crazy how now we use on ehow we use 'google ' as a word now? all the time back in my day we didn't do that that's new"
- lwneal 6y agoIt's often said that software engineers have no code of ethics. This is untrue. For example, no respectable software engineer would ever consent to writing a function called DestroyBaghdad(). Professional ethics would compel them to instead write a function DestroyCity, to which "Baghdad" could be passed as a parameter. https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Nathaniel_Borenstein https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Nathaniel_Borenstein
- dragonwriter 6y ago> Professional ethics would compel them to instead write a function DestroyCity, to which "Baghdad" could be passed as a parameter. A common rule in the profession would be that that would only be true after they’d coded city-specific destruction functions for two previous cities, otherwise it would be premature abstraction.
- SV_BubbleTime 6y agoSometimes you might want to know success though. So... status = destroyCity(&city); This way, because assumingely we may mutate city in some way we’ll still have what comes after to examine, we didn’t pass the name or Od of the city, but the location itself. And we’ll know if overall our destruction worked. It’s also better if you code to MIRSA destruction.
- mariodiana 6y agoProgramming is like sex: make a mistake, and you just may end up supporting it for the next 18 years.
- scotty79 6y agoMake anything.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- reidjs 6y agoWhat’s a python programmers favorite type of poetry? Def poetry What’s the diff between a junior programmer and a senior programmer? s/junior/senior. Also only the junior will laugh at that joke.
- mesarvagya 6y agoHow about following ? #define true 0 #define false 1
- avmich 6y agoA programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says I'll give you a drink if you tell me a programmer joke. And he says: a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says I'll give you a drink if you tell me a programmer joke. And he says: a programmer walks into a bar and ask for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink, so he gives the guy a drink.
- jon_richards 6y agoI thought someone was going to raise a flag.
- edoceo 6y agoRecursive till you fall off your stool.
- ashishmax31 6y agoNow the programmer just waits till the stack blows up to get his free drink.
- dvfjsdhgfv 6y agoWell, that depends on the language they speak.
- Gupie 6y agoOr whether the tale is optimised
- yoz-y 6y agoThat's how you get out of the simulation.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- i2shar 6y ago... (continued): The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, "I didn't get it", to which the programmer responds "To understand recursion you must first understand recursion."
- apengwin 6y agoWhy do all Republicans have straight hair? Because the curl of a conservative field is always zero.
- pryelluw 6y agoHorse walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Why the long face?” Horse replied: I tried a short but didn’t fit. (Integer joke) — Can you milk a bool? False.
- jerzyt 6y agoNot exactly a joke, but it could be a marketing slogan for many companies today: "AI or Die"
- gauravphoenix 6y agoWho is the ruler of devops? Jenkins Khan.
- avmich 6y agoWhen going to sleep, programmer puts to the table next to his bed a glass with water and an empty glass. The glass with water is in case he'll want to drink at night and the empty glass is in case he won't.
- KMag 6y agoFunny, but I think even a lot of programmers won't realize it's a joke about how eliminating special cases / branches from code often makes the code look a little crazy at first glance.
- rkagerer 6y agoThe next morning he wakes up to find the first glass empty, the other full of an amber tinted liquid, and a stranger in bed with him. "You must be the new consultant." "How can you tell?" "All we needed was a nappy, but instead you've bastardized the system in ways it was never meant to be used, left a leaky abstraction that doesn't flush the output, and now I've got to clean up the mess ur in."
- underseacables 6y ago100 bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, take one down patch it around, 141 bugs in the code.
- flatfilefan 6y ago99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs in the code, take one down patch it around, 152 little bugs in the code.
- colanderman 6y agoMy favorite, from /usr/share/games/fortunes: A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! Fantastic! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"
- raphyjake 6y agoAn infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies. "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2. "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along". "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender. "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics". "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
- athriren 6y agothis has levels.
- refulgentis 6y ago90% through I reached for the flag button, 2 seconds later, I'm weeping. Thank you
- bigdict 6y agoI want to hear Norm Macdonald tell this joke.
- m463 6y agoHere is a list by hash (or crc or broken link, or <correct-analogy-here>) ... Everybody knows "Jesus saves." ... Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand ... It just needs a good text editor. ... Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 ... All they do is sit on the bed and tell their spouses how good it's going to be. ... They haven't had any gigs yet. ... "Please excuse my friend, he's not null terminated." ... Profanity. ... At which point the genie responds, “Uh, let me see that map again.” ... None. They just declare darkness the standard. ... The programmer says "Let's just get out and get back in again."
- cantsingh 6y agoNot strictly programming, but: An SEO consultant walks into a bar, pub, speakeasy, drinking hall, club.
- quickthrower2 6y agoI don’t follow...
- a_e_k 6y agoSpamming keywords
- JimWestergren 6y agoRemove the link condom.
- _rohan 6y agoQ: If Spider-Man and Wonder Woman founded a company, what would it be? A: Amazon Web Services
- AlexITC 6y agoWhat's the jira ticket that even non-programmers are aware of? COVID-19
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- taspeotis 6y agoKnock knock Who’s there? long pause Java
- bjoli 6y agoWhat do we want? GARBAGE COLLECTION! When do we want it? ... ... NOW!
- imvetri 6y agoWhy programmer gets a raise? Because he likes arrays.
- zxcvbn4038 6y agoHow many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- andrewchambers 6y agoI don't understand why people find DNS so difficult, it’s just cache invalidation and naming things. source: https://twitter.com/jdub/status/739110670562557952?s=20 https://twitter.com/jdub/status/739110670562557952?s=20
- KMag 6y agoFor context, I presume most of you have heard the old old joke that the two hard problems of computer science are cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. (Or the older joke that the two hard problems of computer science are cache invalidation and naming things.)
- nanomonkey 6y ago>There are two hard problems in computer science: naming concurrency >things, cache invalidation, and off-by-one errors.
- FeepingCreature 6y agoNo "and async." Figures.
- unsigner 6y agoOr that we only have one real joke, and it kinda sucks.
- jdub 6y agoAh, I wondered why that tweet was going around again! :-) A little tribute to Phil Karlton's classic. And DNS.
- pfarrell 6y agoGreat joke. Told it on a zoom meeting today. Got a big laugh from half the people... the programmers.
- zxcvbn4038 6y agoThe computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe. "It can answer any question! Just try it!" The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?" The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The CEO chortles to the salesman "Wrong! My father died five years ago!" The computer answers "Your mothers husband died five years ago. Your father just landed a 10 pound trout."
- gumby 6y agoThis is an oldie (I first heard it in the 80s) but is one of my all time favorites. While it can be told about any two classes of people it really applies to a lot of code I encounter: A physicist is showing a thermos to her friend, a programmer. "It's amazing", she said. "You put a cold drink inside and regardless of how hot it is outside the drink stays cold". The programmer is suitably impressed. "But that's not all", she continued. "You can put a *hot* drink inside and no matter how cold it is outside the drink stays hot". Now the programmer is perplexed. Plaintively he asks, "But how does it know?" I think of this whenever I read code that contains a gratuitous state variable that explains the type or content of some data structure rather than make the data structure self-explaining. Even more annoying when it's a class. Having to coordinate two variables is a recipe for bugs down the road. Seems like it should be a beginner's mistake but I see it all the time in "non beginner" code.
- amingilani 6y agoCould you share an example of this? I could be misinterpreting this but say you're building a survey system and you need to keep track of answer types (e.g. text, date, etc) and the answer itself, how can you collapse that into one field?
- winrid 6y agoYou have an Answer object that probably contains a type enum. However, you don't need to name all variables "answerObject".
- novembermike 6y agoIn something like typescript you could represent this as a union type. If I'm expecting a location I could take a string ("Baghdad"), lat long pairs, an enum, etc. With a union type I can specify that it could be any of these but they fill the same purpose. In Java I'd either do method overloading or expect to receive an object that implements a method that would give the location in a common format. The wrong way to do it would be to have a function that has both a lat/long input and a string input and just say that they're nullable and we only expect to get one of them.
- mayoff 6y agoWhat's it like to have sex with a programmer? Nobody knows. They just sit on the edge of the bed telling you how great it's going to be.
- invalidOrTaken 6y agounderrated
- deelly 6y agois this joke originally about politic?
- shakezula 6y agoMy favorite programming joke goes something like TCP in the streets UDP in the sheets
- forgotmypw17 6y agoQ: Why does the sun always rise east in the morning and set west in the evening? A: Just leave it alone and don't mess with it.
- th0ma5 6y agoOMG hahahahahah thanks for this one
- zxcvbn4038 6y agoWhat's the difference between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg? One's a human trying to conquer Mars and the other is an alien trying to conquer Earth.
- zxcvbn4038 6y agoI don’t know if I a downvote because Zuckerberg doesn’t like being called an alien or because Musk doesn’t like being in the same sentence as Zuckerberg! O.o
- olegp 6y agoThis is my programming version of another joke I heard: A guy walks into a bar and sees a group of people. One of them says a number and the rest laugh. Then the next person says a number and everyone laughs again. "What are you doing?" he asks them. "We're telling each other jokes, but since we keep telling the same ones, we've assigned each a number and rather than telling the whole joke all over again, we can just reference it quickly that way" "Can I try?" "Sure, go ahead" "42", the guy says. Everyone starts laughing and laughing and won't stop. "What did I say?" "Well you see, the joke you told us was: A guy walks into a bar and sees a group of people. One of them says a number and the rest laugh... etc. etc." --- In the original joke the last answer was simply "We hadn't heard that one before", but I'd like to think my recursive version has more depth to it.
- hutzlibu 6y agoTheres more depth in your one, but the original is more funny and to the point.
- onionisafruit 6y agoI remember my mother telling that joke to her friends at a cocktail party in the 70s. I thought she was the funniest person ever.
- fuzzfactor 6y agoAnother new guy walks in and finds this friendly group explaining how they joke by number. They encourage him to give it a try and he enthusiastically says "18". Nobody laughed at all. Crickets. He asks the guy next to him, "isn't 18 funny?" "Yes, but you have to know how to tell a joke."
- cirgue 6y agoSomeone else got downvoted to oblivion for this, though it deserves to be higher because it’s a classic: “I know a UDP joke, but I’m not sure you’ll get it”.
- eranation 6y agoHi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke. Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke? Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke. OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke. OK, I'll hear a TCP joke. Are you ready to hear a TCP joke? Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke. OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline. OK, I'm ready to hear the TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have a setting and will end with a punchline. I'm sorry, your connection has timed out... ...Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
- type0 6y ago"I would tell you a joke about UDP, but you probably wouldn't get it."
- type0 6y agoWhere is it? I didn't get it.
- ALittleLight 6y agoUDP packets aren't guaranteed to be received - hence, "you may not get it".
- TheRealDevonMcC 6y agoA programmer, an engineer, and a physicist are in adjacent hotel rooms. Each has a pitcher of water beside the bed. A fire starts in the wastepaper basket in each room. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, estimates exactly how much water is needed to put it out, and pours exactly that amount from the pitcher, dousing the flames. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire, pours the entire pitcher of water on it, then refills the pitcher and douses it again to be safe. The programmer wakes up, sees the fire, sees the pitcher of water, decides it's a solvable problem, and goes back to sleep.
- beervirus 6y agoMakes more sense with a mathematician than a programmer.
- saagarjha 6y agoThe programmer looks online for documentation on how to use the water, finds it too complicated, dumps the water out the window, then dumps the contents of the wastebasket out after it. Seeing the fire gone the programmer later goes on to give a conference talk about the importance of a good throwing arm in fire safety.
- el_benhameen 6y agoI chuckled at the original, but yours really got me. I feel seen.
- StavrosK 6y agoI know it with "The mathematician's bin was full, so he lit it on fire, reducing the problem to one with a known solution".
- vharuck 6y agoVariant I heard, had a physicist, engineer, and mathematician sharing a room. The first two wastepaper basket fires were taken care of the same ways by the physicist and engineer. Then a third fire appears, but on the curtains. The mathematician says he'll take care of it, so the others go back to sleep. The mathematician removes the curtains, puts them in the wastepaper basket, and says, "Now it's a solved problem." He then goes back to sleep.
- avmich 6y agoA doctor, an architect and a programmer talk about their professions. "Mine is the oldest", says the doctor, "as everybody knows God created Eve from the rib of Adam, and that's definitely a medical operation". "Right", says the architect, "but in fact architect is even older - it's definitely an architectural project to create the world from chaos". At this point programmer kicks back in the chair and gives friends a mysterious look. "Who, do you think, created the chaos?"
- bigdict 6y agoYou win this thread. All high quality jokes.
- avmich 6y agoAll not mine, and definitely old - but we're a big bunch, there are lots of programmers, and not everybody heard them :) .
- stevage 6y agoI always heard this with a lawyer at the end.
- DoofusOfDeath 6y agoThe joke's context is Genesis chapters 1-2, so it wouldn't make sense to include a lawyer. Satan only shows up in chapter 3.
- ezekg 6y agoThis made me chuckle :)
- sethlivingston 6y agoI wish I could give this joke a trophy.
- jcstauffer 6y ago
- gok 6y agoC programmer is bartending. Someone says "get me a double whiskey, plus a root beer" Drinks arrive, customer asks: "hey why is there ice cream in this?" "I had to make it to a root beer float when you added it to the double"
- HPsquared 6y agoRoot beer should be a float regardless, in case beer isn't a perfect square.
- twic 6y agoThere isn't any significance to the fact that it's a root beer, right? That was slightly distracting. I wonder if this would be cleaner if it was a 7-up. Do people make 7-up floats?
- code_duck 6y agoCoke floats, yes. Haven't encountered 7-up.
- adrianmonk 6y agoYes. Try a 7-up or Sprite with lime sherbet.
- throw-away_42 6y agoA masterpiece of programming comedy: https://www.destroyallsoftware.com/talks/wat https://www.destroyallsoftware.com/talks/wat
- avmich 6y agoBoy: dad, what will be "two by two equals four"? Programmer: true, my son.
- avmich 6y agoBoy: dad, why the sun rises on the east and sets on the west? Programmer: did you see that? Boy: yes, I did. Programmer: does it always works? Boy: yes. Programmer: don't touch anything.
- whoisburbansky 6y agoWhen your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
- firefoxd 6y agoThen I'll happily introduce you to https://bar.com https://bar.com
- avmich 6y ago10 programmers decided to make a product, One asked "Where's the money?", And there were 9 of them left. 9 programmers appeared before the boss One of them did not know FoxPro, and there were 8 of them left. 8 programmers bought IBM, One said "Mac is better!" And there are 7 of them left. 7 programmers wanted to read help, One of them got bad block on the disk, and there are 6 of them left. 6 programmers tried to understand the code, One of them went crazy and there are 5 of them left. 5 programmers bought a CD-ROM, One brought a Chinese disc - there were four left. 4 programmers worked in C, One of them praised Pascal, and there were 3 of them. 3 programmers on the net played DOOM, One hesitated a little, and the score was equal to two. 2 programmers typed together: "win" One tired of waiting for the download - there was only 1 left. 1 programmer took control of everything, But he met with the user, and there were 0 of them left. 0 programmers were scolded by an angry boss, Then he fired one, and it became their FF.
- bondolo 6y agoI got a job as a software developer at a startup after several years of working as an IT drone. On my last day of work at my old job I got a text from the tech lead of the team I would be joining. "Come by after work to meet the team and have a few beers". I arrived around 7pm. There were quite a few people still around but to my surprise the tech lead who had hired me was packing up his desk into a box. I was kind of surprised but he seemed upbeat and glad to see me. "Yeah, sorry to be leaving before you officially join the team. I got a great offer I can't pass up. Friends got their A round funding and it is an equity opportunity. You'll do great though. One piece of advice though," and he handed me three envelopes. "Four pieces actually. Piece zero, and I'll tell it to you now. When you run in to trouble blame me. After you've seen my code you'll probably think it is shit. Hell, you're smart, you probably think everybody else's code is shit." He continued "When you can't blame me anymore open the first envelope for the second piece of advice. You'll know when." and we went off to meet the team and have a beer. I officially started on Monday and it was going great for the first couple of months. Then a product manager started breathing down my neck why one of my features was late. I had been frustrated with how hard it was to add the feature to the existing code and I found myself blurting, "The problem is not with my code, it is all of the old code I am having to rewrite because it is so terrible". I realized I was using the old tech lead's first piece of advice. So I continued, "Man, the previous tech lead's code is absolute garbage. It is amazing the whole thing hasn't fallen apart already." Since everyone looked sympathetic I knew I had made a good move. For quite a long time I made sure I was working hard or at least look like I was working hard and occasionally grumbling about the shit I had to deal with. After a couple of months I was still producing at a good rate but I had now "rewritten" or at least claimed to have rewritten most of the bad code. I could not longer use that excuse. One Monday morning before the weekly sprint meeting I realized I was in a bind. I needed make sure that I had lots of work on my current assignment if I was going to avoid being assigned to a new project with "the customer from hell". I only had a few minutes before the meeting and after nervous peeing (twice) I still had no solution. I suddenly remember the envelopes. Digging through my messenger bag I found them and grabbed the first. While in the restroom for a third nervous pee I opened the envelope sitting in the stall. There was a card inside with one word "Refactor" and I had my solution. A few minutes later at the sprint meeting I revealed that all my work rewriting the bad code, boy that was a lot of work, had revealed amazing opportunities to refactor the architecture and put us on a lot better footing. It would take a lot of work but I knew what needed to be done and it would really pay off. This proposal got a number of cautious nods and after a short discussion it was decided that I would proceed with a major refactoring of the product architecture. A couple months later and my "refactor" was nearing completion. It did fix a few problems, the new APIs were more aligned with my personal preferences and I had gotten the chance to replace a few libraries with trendy ones that I wanted to get on my resume. Honestly though I felt like a fraud; my refactoring was just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I played out the ending stages of the refactoring but inevitably the time came when management was eager to use the new code in a product. Having no other option I agreed it was ready and that I was eager (not really) to see it shine in a product. The first product to use it would be with another team. After the first meeting it was clear that they were really sharp and they immediately pointed out some shortcomings of my APIs and design. After a bit more wrangling they agreed that my module could meet their needs as long as I was dedicated to supporting it and them. My management agreed and they were now my customer. Their product design proceeded and as they continued to get more experience with my module they kept finding new flaws in the API and bugs. I tried to fix them as quickly as possible but I was one person working to try to keep an entire team happy. I couldn't keep up. After a late night of bug fixing I was headed home exhausted in an Uber and wondering how I was going to be able to keep up. As I nearly drifted into sleep in the back seat I remembered the envelopes. I found the second envelope in my bag and opened it with the third solution, again one word. "Indirection". Meeting with my "customer" on Monday I explained the bandwidth problems I was having meeting all of their team's requirements. I explained that what would work best is if they built a local interface in their project which called my API. That way the interaction between their system and mine would be localized and they would only have to make changes in one place if my API had to change. They had seen that I was tapped out trying to support them and agreed that they could build a local API which meshed better with their system that simply called my module to do the actual work. It took them a while to disentangle their code from my module and build their interface. By the time they came back with a few bug reports against the version of my module they had been using I promised them that I had much improved version to use. Once a few bugs were resolved the systems were again integrated. They got closer to shipping their product and I kept getting bug reports from them that my library wasn't behaving correctly. I was forced to explain that the problems they described hadn't been there when they had integrated directly against my library--the problem must be in their local interface. Progress was being made towards shipping the product but there were still frequent mysterious problems. Meanwhile my management was pretty happy with how integration of my code was proceeding. My director had talked about it as a collaboration success story at an executive meeting. My team members, who I had little interaction with as I was supporting the other team, were also congratulatory though they didn't seem to be as believing that I deserved my apparent success. I was pretty sure it was going to be a disaster actually. So when a college buddy emailed me about a business plan he was writing I offered to help. A few days later they were talking about me being the "Software VP" for their startup. I wasn't sure but it would be a founder position with equity so I couldn't just say no. I was trying to figure out what to do when I got an email saying that the team building a product with my module was having real problems with their scaling tests. They had done some analysis and were certain the problem was with my module, they didn't have proof, but had some pretty compelling analysis and wanted to meet tomorrow. Gulp. Just then my manager came by, apparently not having read the memo yet and introduced me to a fresh young programmer who was joining the team. He introduced me as one of the team's stars and he should seek me out for mentoring. I politely agreed but had other things on my mind. Stewing in my cube without much clue how to fix the reported problems before the upcoming meeting I thought back to mentoring I had received and realized I had one more envelope. Opening the third envelope I discovered the fourth piece of advice. It was brilliant. I called my friend and told him I was "down" to be the software VP for their startup, contacted the new kid on our team slack inviting them to come by for an overview on my module. I then sat down wrote my resignation email and completed the fourth piece of advice, "Recursion."
- mcqueenjordan 6y agoThe only thing worse than a monorepo? Two monorepos.
- triceratops 6y agoSometimes when I'm writing JavaScript I feel like throwing my hands up and saying "This is bullshit!" But I never know what "this" refers to.
- etripe 6y agoThanks for a solid chuckle!
- tincholio 6y agoThis is not exactly a joke, and more CS than programming related, but it's worth the read: Lower Bounds for Probably-istic Polynomial Time. http://web.archive.org/web/20080516195038/http://cs-people.bu.edu/charlton/probpt.pdf http://web.archive.org/web/20080516195038/http://cs-people.b...
- mpls 6y agoI've been working on getting our Java code running on Windows. It's going alright, but I had to shut off the garbage collector altogether - whenever it runs, all of our JARs end up in the Recycle Bin.
- deelly 6y agoOh, thats a new one, and about Java and actually funny!
- moo2121 6y agoTrump
- moo2121 6y agoTrump is the biggest joke ever in the history of this country.
- Negitivefrags 6y agoEinstein repeatedly argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.
- lukewrites 6y agoWhat’s the angriest part of a computer? The cursor.
- tuan 6y agoYou’re my number 0
- newscracker 6y agoKnock knock Race condition Who’s there?
- ggm 6y agoA russian, a french, and an irish archeologist are talking in a bar french: we found copper wire in our last dig, it shows france invented networking russian: we found glass strands in our last dig, it proves russia invented fibre optics irish: we found nothing. It proves the irish invented wireless networks.
- pubby 6y agoFortran joke: God is real, unless declared integer.
- a_e_k 6y agoQ: Why did the multi-threaded chicken cross the road? A: other side. get to the To
- hliyan 6y agoTom Knight and the Lisp Machine A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: “You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong.” Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. Source: http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html
- jrmski 6y agoI'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
- jrmski 6y agoI'd tell you an NP complete joke, but if you've heard one you've heard them all.
- jrmski 6y agoI'd tell you a buffer bloat joke, but you'd have to wait in line first.
- bcrosby95 6y agoLots of UDP jokes, the variant I was told is: What is the best thing about telling a UDP joke? You don't care if anyone gets it.
- dragosmocrii 6y agoAh, "UDP humour" - story of my life
- jdeisenberg 6y agoIn Europe, the surname of Niklaus Wirth (inventor of the Pascal programming language) is pronounced “veert”; in the United States, it’s pronounced “worth.“ Thus, in Europe, he’s called by name; in the US he’s called by value.
- wnoise 6y agoThe meaner version explicitly says Niklaus, and Nickle's as well.
- andrewaylett 6y agoThis was the original: Whereas Europeans generally pronounce his name the right way ('Nick-louse Veert'), Americans invariably mangle it into 'Nickel's Worth.' This is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. - Introduction by Adriaan van Wijngaarden at the IFIP Congress (1965). (https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Niklaus_Wirth https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Niklaus_Wirth)
- h3mb3 6y agoA PM and an engineer walk into a meeting room to discuss why the feature request cannot be implemented with their microservice architecture: https://youtu.be/y8OnoxKotPQ https://youtu.be/y8OnoxKotPQ
- type_enthusiast 6y agoA C programmer and a C++ programmer walk into a bar. A Haskell programmer describes how one would join them for a drink.
- dandanua 6y agoProgrammers solve tasks on their own branches due to our ancestors -- apes.
- colanderman 6y agoThis is an amalgam of two half-remembered jokes, but I think it works. ------- An engineer, physicist, mathematician, and programmer are all hired by a shepherd to create a pen to hold as many sheep as possible with the materials given. The engineer sets to work immediately building a traditional rectangular fence: a proven design which works. She finishes in an hour. The physicist pulls out pencil and notepad, and after a few minutes of computation, determines that a novel circular fence design will enclose the maximum number of (spherical, frictionless) sheep, while remaining structurally sound. He too completes the fence within an hour. The mathematician sits for an hour under a tree in deep thought, suddenly jumps up, wraps herself in a short length of fence, and says, "I declare myself to be outside the fence!" [this is normally where the joke ends] The programmer meanwhile is nowhere to be found, having run off excitedly with his laptop immediately after hearing the problem statement. The shepherd congratulates the other three on a job well done, and they all part ways. A week later, as the shepherd is tending to the flock, he is surprised to see the programmer sitting in the shade of a tree, furiously typing away at his laptop. "Uh, how's it coming?" the shepherd asks. The programmer replies, "It's going great! I've almost finished coding the cross-platform terminal graphics library!"
- vram22 6y agoThis was only the second joke I liked in this thread, reading sequentially. First one was about the balloon.
- grahamburger 6y agoNot a joke, really, but a haiku: It's not DNS There's no way it's DNS It was DNS
- baritonehands 6y agoAFAIK this is an original: Who's got 10 thumbs and only tells programming jokes? this.guy
- n_f 6y agoOnce upon a time, a baby bear asked his mama to tell him a story about recursion. And so the mama bear started reading: “Once upon a time, a baby bear asked his mama to tell him a story about recursion, the mama bear started reading: ...””
- eitland 6y agoTo err is human but to create utter chaos you will need a computer. (That said I really want to say something about JS, but I doubt everyone here will appreciate it ;-)
- iancmceachern 6y ago“ Hardware eventually fails. Software eventually works” Michael Hartung
- nickburlett 6y agoDEC WARS is full of great computer jokes. It's a 1983 Usenet posting by Alan Hastings and Steve Tarr: https://www.bsd.org/decwars.html https://www.bsd.org/decwars.html > It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0: races aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network...
- hutzlibu 6y agoThe famous cartoon on software developement: https://www.smart-jokes.org/how-it-projects-really-work.html https://www.smart-jokes.org/how-it-projects-really-work.html
- jyriand 6y agoParaphrasing, can't remember the exact joke: Recruiter ask candidate developer: "So, why do you want to work in our office in Mexico?" "Because I want to be a señor developer"
- perlgeek 6y agoThere are 10 kinds of programmers: those who know binary, and, uhm, nine others.
- godmode2019 6y agoThe economy turns bad and a programmer has to become a hammer hand to pay his rent. The builders are working on a new house, how do you tell them apart?
- erik_seaberg 6y agoIt’s bigger than a joke but pretty funny: http://www.stilldrinking.org/programming-sucks http://www.stilldrinking.org/programming-sucks Money quote: “Also, the bridge was designed as a suspension bridge, but nobody actually knew how to build a suspension bridge, so they got halfway through it and then just added extra support columns to keep the thing standing, but they left the suspension cables because they’re still sort of holding up parts of the bridge[…] Would you drive across this bridge? No. If it somehow got built, everybody involved would be executed.”
- tsimionescu 6y agoThere's an old Joel on Software one related to string concatenation: Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck. The next day Shlemiel only gets 150 yards done. "Well, that's not nearly as good as yesterday, but you're still a fast worker. 150 yards is respectable," and pays him a kopeck. The next day Shlemiel paints 30 yards of the road. "Only 30!" shouts his boss. "That's unacceptable! On the first day you did ten times that much work! What's going on?" "I can't help it," says Shlemiel. "Every day I get farther and farther away from the paint can!"
- invalidOrTaken 6y agoThe other day I was asking my data scientist brother if you run into this problem training DNN's (anyone: do you?), and ended up telling this one!
- lordgrenville 6y agoIIUC you generally train on a sliding window of most recent data. That or just keep adding GPUs...
- alanbernstein 6y agoEvery day I get farther from the GPU shop!
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- ifdefdebug 6y agoNice plot twist. I thought this one was going to be about optimizing the work that has to be done for one kopeck.
- marcosdumay 6y ago
- hooby 6y ago"God is real!" "Unless declared integer."
- woutgaze 6y agoYo mama's so fat, we had to set her column type to BLOB.
- modeless 6y agoBack when Chuck Norris facts were popular there were Jeff Dean facts, and this one is my favorite: Jeff Dean puts his pants on one leg at a time. But if he had more than two legs, you would see that his approach is actually O(log(n)). Oh, and do unintentional jokes count? Because AbstractSingletonProxyFactoryBean is pretty funny. https://docs.spring.io/spring-framework/docs/3.0.6.RELEASE_to_3.1.0.BUILD-SNAPSHOT/3.0.6.RELEASE/org/springframework/aop/framework/AbstractSingletonProxyFactoryBean.html https://docs.spring.io/spring-framework/docs/3.0.6.RELEASE_t...
- erik_seaberg 6y agoMy favorite was resolving merge conflicts: type “a y” to accept your version of the diff, “a t” to accept their version of the diff, or “a j” to accept Jeff Dean’s version of the diff. I think another asserted that Jeff Dean can parse HTML with regular expressions.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- _kst_ 6y agoMany years ago, this joke appeared in an April issue of the Communications of the ACM (before the Cray 3 actually existed): "Have you heard about the new Cray 3? It's so fast it can execute an infinite loop in about two minutes." A coworker and I went out for lunch. Not realizing that I had already read the joke, he asked me, "So, have you heard about the new Cray 3?" I replied "Why no, how long does it take it to execute an infinite loop?" Back at the office, he described this to our colleagues. Trying to recreate the event, he said to me, "So, have you heard about the new Cray 3?" In front of everyone else, I just said, "Why no." "I hate you", he said.
- fuzzfactor 6y agoIt's not easy being a geek when there's spyware and all kinds of malicious programs out there, you never know what you're going to get. Still I'd rather have a virus on my PC than my PP. With a trojan of course, it's the other way around.
- nzealand 6y agoA software engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.” The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.” And the software engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
- rkagerer 6y agoI'm a firefighter programmer and I liked this one.
- Netcob 6y agoWell looks like you just leaked Boston Dynamics' next product.
- StavrosK 6y agoFor a moment there I thought you were the other firefighter programmer I know.
- BerislavLopac 6y agoI thought all programmers are firefighters...
- plumsempy 6y agomy fav: The bartender says: we don't serve race conditions here A thread walks into a bar
- _kst_ 6y agoA mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer scientists are all asked to test the hypothesis that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime. (Apologies in advance to engineers.) The mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite. The hypothesis is false. The physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, hmm, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is composite, 17 is prime, 19 is prime. The hypothesis is true within the margin of error. The engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is prime, ... The computer scientist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 5 is prime, 5 is prime, 5 is prime, 5 is prime, ...
- erik_seaberg 6y agoI heard a version that went Mathematician: “3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore by induction we know all odd numbers are prime.” Physicist: “3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 must be experimental error.” Computer scientist: “3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime …”
- _kst_ 6y agoAt an SF convention party, someone said, "To be or not to be". I replied "equals FF".
- Sebb767 6y agoRead that one a long time ago: Each program has at least one big. Also, a program can always be shortened by a line. Therefore, every program can be shortened to a single line that doesn't work. Also: Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C# ;)
- yccs27 6y ago/* No comment */
- lostlogin 6y agoA physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed". The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong". The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?" Slightly over analysed thread at: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2wf5ge/a_mechanical_engineer_electrical_engineer/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2wf5ge/a_mechanical_...
- brobdingnagians 6y agoLove this one. I've heard a variant where the programmer suggests pushing it back up the mountain to reproduce it.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- dorgo 6y agoWasn't it: Let's close [all] windows and open it/them again and try anew?
- lostlogin 6y agoI’ve also heard “shall we all get out then get back in and see if it works?”
- anonymou2 6y agoA computer programmer is found dead in the shower. Next to him there is a bottle of shampoo, with the instructions: Apply, rinse, repeat.
- _threads 6y agoMy favorite one : how many devs does it take to change a bulb ? They can’t, it’s an hardware issue
- sbierwagen 6y agoWhy do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
- kaladin_1 6y ago#LordOfTheRings To enter the Doors of Durin: "Say mellon and enter" #Vim To enter external commands: "Say :! and enter"
- rangibaby 6y agoWindows ME
- hulitu 6y agoStarting Windows ...
- 1337shadow 6y agoComputers are like air conditioner, useful if you close windows.
- eigenvalue 6y agoWhy do programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
- throwaway_dcnt 6y agoThis isn't exactly a programming joke but considering how many of us physics majors become programmers, I think it works: Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious (and because this is not USA and 4th amendment does not apply) decides to search the car. He comes back to the front and asks them why they have a dead cat in the trunk, Shrodinger responds, "because you opened the trunk you fool!!". The cop is now irritated and promptly moves to arrest all three. Ohm, resisted.
- kchr 6y agoBest one so far!
- VintageCool 6y agoMy preferred version: Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the road when they hit a bump. Schrodinger says: I think you ran over a cat! Heisenberg: Is the cat dead? Schrodinger: I can't be certain.
- Gairm 6y agoIn real life, an interviewer was talking to Werner Heisenberg. They were getting to the end of the interview, but before they wrapped up, the interviewer asked, "So, tell me Mr Heisenberg... What do you think of the jokes?" Werner Heisenberg sat forward with a twinkle in his eye and said, "What jokes?"
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- throwaway_dcnt 6y agoThere are two hard problems in computer science: 1. Exactly once message delivery, 2. Message ordering, 1. Exactly once message delivery. I would like to add to this, fuck you confluent with all your lies that you sell to gullible idiots.
- evilotto 6y agoWhen all you have is a HammerFactoryImpl, every problem looks like an INailIterator
- Cockbrand 6y agoMy personal favorite: Knock knock. “Race condition.” “Who’s there?”
- boojing 6y agoWhen coding, some programmers mix functional and imperative. Others prefer not to: they believe in the separation of Church and state.
- sotraw 6y ago#define private public
- johnchristopher 6y agoC'est un administrateur système qui reconfigure ses variables d'environnement et paf le chemin. I tell it like I am someone serious but a bit dumb who thinks it's really funny and is too stupid to see how dumb this is. Only work in French and I set up the stage by being me at the beginning and telling it in front of programmer or it people and non it people so IT people have to confirm it's stupid and the joke is in how my personna thinks it's funny. This makes me laugh. A few usually believe I am serious.
- ojathe 6y agoI don't get it. Is it simply funny (in an absurd way) because of the usual "Paf le X" french jokes, or is there something more to it ?
- johnchristopher 6y agoYes, it's only funny when you play the dumb/silly guy and people know "Paf le chien" (which is already absurd). French people usually pronounce Path and Paf in the same way and "Chemin" and "Chien" sounds alike. What usually happens is the IT guys look at me, sighing and non verbally confirm to non-IT people that the joke is way too stupid and geeky to explain.
- MrPatan 6y agoThis is HN, I'm going to kill a joke instead: There is the classic: There are only two hard problems in computer science: Cache invalidation, naming things... and off-by-one errors! Ha ha ha I hate this joke. It takes one of the most insightful things ever said about the profession, makes it into a joke that isn't even that good, and now the only thing you rememebr about it is the punchline. Let's break it down: - Cache invalidation: State management! Distributed systems! This really gets to the core of what's hard. This is the only technical problem. For everything else you will have all the information you need at hand and it's a matter of getting the machine to do your bidding. - Naming things: Communication! Dealing with people, whether it's you in the future or somebody else in the present is not a technical problem, but it is an even more important problem. It's unsolved. You will need to practice, think, fail, try more, and it's not even guaranteed to succeed. People are like that. It's a hard problem. So there you have it. Probably the most insightful thing said about our job in less than fifteen words, and if you hear it, the "joke" immediately makes you think about the punchline, robbing you of the opportunity of reflecting about it.
- yread 6y ago...er you forgot the off-by-one errors!
- theelous3 6y agomaybe the best implicit punchline. The rant about the joke was the joke.
- marcus_holmes 6y agoI like to think it's more insightful with the joke, because there's always some problem that you weren't expecting.
- forgotmypw17 6y agoBut what about cache invalidation?
- skinkestek 6y agoDevopsBorat on Twitter used to be funny (it is now replaced with spam). But when it still was up the last joke there was along the lines of: "at work we introduced gamification, three strikes and you are out".
- praptak 6y ago"Telling a programmer that there already is a library for X is like telling a songwriter that a song about love already exists."
- yread 6y agoIt's a bit more mathematical then programming but aren't we all just shitty mathematicians anyway: Little John goes to school for the first day. The teacher wants to assess what do the kids already know so she asks "Who knows how much is 1+2?". Little John raises his hand and says "I don't know how much is 1+2 but I do know that it's the same as 2+1 as addition is commutative over the monoid of natural numbers"
- mijoharas 6y agoI've got a related joke. A mathematician walks into the room looking distraught. His wife asks him what's wrong, and he says he's worried their child has a learning disorder. She asks why. He says he was trying to teach their child how to add, but he couldn't even understand zermelo-frankael set theory, so there was no way he'd learn how to add numbers before kindergarten.
- wrnr 6y agoNock nock, who's there? ... ... ... Java
- dlkf 6y agoQ: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: What you need is light. Why are you assuming the solution involves a lightbulb?
- oli5679 6y agoI really like the 'Jon Skeet facts' Stackoverflow page. It is Chuck Norris style facts about the legendary Stackoverflow answer contributor. Here is the top answer but I find many in the thread funny. - Jon Skeet is immutable. If something's going to change, it's going to have to be the rest of the universe. - Jon Skeet's addition operator doesn't commute; it teleports to where he needs it to be. - Anonymous methods and anonymous types are really all called Jon Skeet. They just don't like to boast. - Jon Skeet's code doesn't follow a coding convention. It is the coding convention. - Jon Skeet doesn't have performance bottlenecks. He just makes the universe wait its turn. - Jon Skeet is the only person who has ranked higher than Jon Skeet in the SO all-time rep league. - Users don't mark Jon Skeet's answers as accepted. The universe accepts them out of a sense of truth and justice https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/9134/jon-skeet-facts https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/9134/jon-skeet-fact...
- oli5679 6y agoSome people, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use regular expressions." Now they have two problems.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- speakeron 6y agoA programmer walks into a bar, or not.
- TheOtherHobbes 6y agoHow many Haskell developers does it take to change a lightbulb? Maybe
- znpy 6y agoThis is an old-style joke: why programmers keep confusing Christmas with Halloween? Because 25 Dec = 31 Oct.
- TedShiller 6y agoTo understand recursion, we must first understand recursion.
- evphn 6y agoWhy do front end engineers always have lunch alone? Because they can’t join tables.
- dandare 6y agoThere are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete datasets.
- gcristofol 6y agoHow come God created the world in just 7 days? I wouldn't need to be compatible with the previous version.
- i2shar 6y agoA SQL query walks into a bar, approaches two tables and asks, "May I join you?"
- yogrish 6y agothere are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who dont.
- seer 6y agoNot exactly programming jocks, more like tech jokes, but I remember http://bash.org/?top http://bash.org/?top to be an amazing source of humor back when I had my first steps as a techie 15 years ago Also a more long form source of funny developer anecdotes was https://thedailywtf.com/ https://thedailywtf.com/
- real-dino 6y agoFriend: Congratulations on the child, is it a boy or a girl? Programmer: Yes.
- atq2119 6y agoThe best thing about NaN jokes is that they're all different.
- dumb1224 6y agoNo one mentions this one? too old?: Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?" The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”
- Abimelex 6y agoMy favorite: ===================== A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road. The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket. Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the programmer chuckles and puts the frog away again. Ten minutes later, the frog says, "Look, if you kiss me, I'll have sex with you all day, every day. Deal?", the programmer laughs and puts the frog away again. He gets home, takes the now severely depressed frog out of his pocket and sets it down in an aquarium. The frog looks up at the coder and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you man? I offered to marry you, I offered to screw you, but STILL you won't turn me back into my human form." The programmer says, "I'm a programmer. I don't have time for relationships, or sex - but a talking frog? SO COOL!" ===================== credits to: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylptx/a_computer_programmer_finds_a_frog_by_the_side_of/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/8ylptx/a_computer_pr...
- effie 6y agoVery funny!
- elwell 6y agoI thought the punchline was going to be, you know you're a programmer if you get hung up by the second sentence. How can he "[put] the frog *back* in his pocket." the first time after finding it by the road?
- SilasX 6y agoReminds me of the joke about the talking dog at the flea market where the seller thinks he duped the buyer because "the dog is a liar". For the topic: the programming version of the joke would be where it's a disgruntled e.g. D-Wave employee selling a stolen "quantum computer" at a flea market that can demonstrably break RSA encryption, and he thinks he duped the buyer because "it's really just a fancy classical computer".
- dotdi 6y agoKnock knock. Race condition. Who's there?
- ArchieMaclean 6y agoProgrammer: I'm going out for a walk. Programmer's partner: While you're out, could you buy some milk? And the programmer never returned.
- patal 6y agoQ: What's the difference between Ant and Maven? A: The creator of Ant has apologized. (https://twitter.com/technomancy/status/10994115673 https://twitter.com/technomancy/status/10994115673)
- jsjdjfjfjjrjfk 6y agoWhy did the programmer swim in the crocodile river? Warnings, but no errors.
- jmnicolas 6y agoDo you know what are black holes? It's where God divided by 0.
- ximeng 6y agoFrom Twitter: @steveklabnik · Jan 5 if a cow changes some state, you'd call that a moo-table variable
- ArchieMaclean 6y agoThe GNU Humour [0] collection may be of interest. Also Dylan Beattie has done some great songs on YouTube [1] (I especially like 'Bug in the JavaScript' and 'You Give REST a Bad Name') Here's a couple I remember from somewhere: SEO expert walks into a bar... ...tavern, pub, taproom, alcohol, beer, wine, vodka... Also, tangentially related: A farmer wants to section off part of his field with a fixed length of fence. He is unsure what the best strategy is so he unwisely calls the local university, who send an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician. The engineer makes a circle with the fence, declaring it to have the greatest area for any given perimeter length. The physicist makes a straight line as far as the eye can see in either direction, and says that, to all intents and purposes, it goes all the way around the world and he has fenced in half the world. The mathematician fences off a tiny one metre area around himself, and says "I declare myself to be on the outside". [0] https://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.en.html https://www.gnu.org/fun/humor.en.html [1] https://www.youtube.com/user/dylanhat https://www.youtube.com/user/dylanhat
- thunderbong 6y agoMan, those Dylan Beattie's videos are out of this world!! I laughed way too hard on a number of them - You give REST a bad name - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSKp2StlS6s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSKp2StlS6s We're Gonna Build a Framework - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm2h0cbvsw8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm2h0cbvsw8 Enterprise Waterfall - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq1MD5qXI08 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mq1MD5qXI08
- cies 6y agoThe two hardest things in computer science are: 0. Naming things. 1. Cache invalidation. 2. Off-by-one errors. (just found some attribution to: Leon Bambrick)
- LeonB 6y agoha, thank you. The numbers aren't needed though.
- nottorp 6y ago"They want a fixed price estimate" qualifies as a joke?
- hiperlink 6y agoSo this will sound like bitter, burnt-out comment and honestly been there, did that... and now I'm bitter again due to recent events at my recent workplace, but again this is just a pattern I have recognized along the 25 years I've spent working on banking software and later after the burn-out with a large telco. So the programming joke: The managers, especilally mid-level, and project owners.
- bigbluedots 6y agoI forget where this one came from. How did the programmer die in the shower? 'Lather, rinse, repeat'
- penguin_booze 6y agoWhat's a Microsoft Product that doesn't suck? Their vacuum cleaner!
- cm2187 6y agoSelf-confidence, as a programmer, is when starting a new project, storing the transaction ID in an int64 rather than an int32.
- yupomfra 6y agoOne Shot Keto Reviews This new found pill called the One Shot Keto Canada has now arrived with the sure-shot motive to quickly trim down the fats in your body and to remove each of the fatty toxins so that you can be healthy and slim in an effective manner and also in the fastest time duration possible. By using this supplement made by the doctors with great care there shall be no way for your fatty cells of returning and hence this new curvy shape shall stay with you always. Also, the user is required to use zero other medication along with this which is a great advantage. http://supplementstore4u.com/one-shot-keto-reviews/ http://supplementstore4u.com/one-shot-keto-reviews/ https://sites.google.com/view/one-shot-keto-canada-order/ https://sites.google.com/view/one-shot-keto-canada-order/ https://hype.news/one-shot-keto-reviews-um/one-shot-keto-reviews-official-website-70-off-today-kevhymky https://hype.news/one-shot-keto-reviews-um/one-shot-keto-rev... http://supplementstore4u.com/ http://supplementstore4u.com/ https://jerryshins.medium.com/one-shot-keto-reviews-official-website-70-off-today-3afd10b9c0e9 https://jerryshins.medium.com/one-shot-keto-reviews-official... https://www.tripoto.com/trip/one-shot-keto-get-instant-discount-6002960215768 https://www.tripoto.com/trip/one-shot-keto-get-instant-disco... https://gocrowdera.com/US/other/one-shot-keto-review/ https://gocrowdera.com/US/other/one-shot-keto-review/ https://one-shot-keto-reviews.business.site/ https://one-shot-keto-reviews.business.site/ https://m.facebook.com/supplementstore4uofficial/posts/415889469862593 https://m.facebook.com/supplementstore4uofficial/posts/41588... https://www.prlog.org/12854339-one-shot-keto-reviews-up-to-50-off-today.html https://www.prlog.org/12854339-one-shot-keto-reviews-up-to-5... https://www.prfree.org/@wondersheman/one-shot-keto-pills-get-70-discount-today-6rm5paq67kw4 https://www.prfree.org/@wondersheman/one-shot-keto-pills-get... https://our.news/2021/01/20/one-shot-keto-official-website-up-to-50-off-today/ https://our.news/2021/01/20/one-shot-keto-official-website-u... https://www.prlog.org/12854667-instahard-best-sexual-pills-in-2021-read-shocking-reviews-before-buy.html https://www.prlog.org/12854667-instahard-best-sexual-pills-i...
- cf100clunk 6y agoThe Lord said: "Go Forth and Multiply," but the Forth programmers cried "Please, Lord, give us floating point!" (an oldie, because for the longest time FORTH was only fixed point)
- franze 6y agoWhen I am coding I often want to just shout out loud: THIS IS SHIT! But honestly, I can never remember what this refers to.
- heidijavi 6y ago- SQL experience? + No experience. - Ok noted, NoSQL experience. + ...
- rvense 6y agoI went to a NodeJS party one time but I didn't like it, only one person could have fun at once. Then I went to an Erlang party, and it was just a bunch of nerds at separate tables passing notes to each other about how much fun they were having. But the weirdest was the Haskell party. Nothing happened for six hours and then suddenly everyone said "Well, that was fun!" and went home...
- jar3624 6y agofunny stuff. got the Nodejs (single threaded) and Erlang (message passing) jokes but not familiar with Haskell.. whats joke there ...
- nathell 6y agoA biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all watching a house that seems empty. Presently, two people enter the house, and after a while three people come back out. The biologist says: "Clearly, there was a breeding." The physicist says: "Oh no, it's our measurements that are imprecise." The mathematician thinks for a while and declares: "If one more person walks in, the house will be empty again."
- winterismute 6y agoI've got an old one, not really however focused on programming. <<A physicist, a computer scientist and a mathematician find themselves in prison. They all brag to each other that thanks to their superior knowledge, they will manage to escape relatively soon, and decide to bet they will be all out by one month. In the following month, the phyisicist gathers leftofers from meals, steals a few products from the janitors, and manages to assemble a corrosive substance that breaks the bars of his cell. He is out in 3 weeks. The computer scientist uses his weekly phonecalls to hack into the prison system, little by little. He manages to set the bars of his cell to open automatically right on the night of the 30th day, when he escapes. Out of his cell, he decides to go and check on his friends: the physicist is gone, instead the mathematician is dead in his cell in front of a long text on a wall which starts with "Proof: I will escape from prison. Reductio ad absurdum: let's assume I am already out of the prison...">>
- ingojoseph 6y agoA SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables, walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'
- mijoharas 6y agoA physicist, a mathematician and a programmer are in a car driving on a windy mountain path. All of a sudden as they round a corner, the brakes fail. After a few terrifying moments, the car skids to a halt and they emerged unscathed. The physicist thinks for a second, and says "It must be the lower pressure due to the air, it's made some of our brake fluid evaporate, we should get some more brake fluid before we get back in the car." The mathematician says "No if we calculate the rate of a evaporation we'd never lose that much. It must be a leak in the lines. We should fix the leak before we get back in" The programmer says "Let's get back in the car and see if it's reproducible."
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- sriku 6y agohttps://people.csail.mit.edu/gregs/ll1-discuss-archive-html/msg03277.html https://people.csail.mit.edu/gregs/ll1-discuss-archive-html/... A classi one by Anton van Straaten that is both funny and wise.
- zem 6y agoA byte tells his wife "Honey, I'm not feeling too well - I think I have a parity error". She replies "I thought you looked a bit off!"
- das_keyboard 6y agoThis one was recently on the HN front page: https://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/users-lightbulb.en.html https://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/users-lightbulb.en.html HN-Thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25369929 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25369929
- luckystarr 6y agoThere are only two hard problems in computer science: * cache invalidation * naming things * off by 1 errors
- Yizahi 6y agoYou were hired as a foreman on a construction of a laboratory on the island. You arrive at the island and among unfinished buildings you see - a giant ventilator the size of a building, an air balloon ready to fly, and a room completely filled with a floor mops. After some head scratching you remove all this junk and complete the laboratory. But right after the scientists start their work you hear an alert - "ALARM, TOXIC GAS LEAK DETECTED!". - What is going on?! - you are crying, and call the previous foreman. - Hi Alex, we have a toxic gas leak in the lab, what can we do now? - Hmm, I dunno, did you change anything in the project? - Well, I've thrown away floor mops... - They were holding the ceiling. - I'M SORRY WHAT? HOLDING WHAT AGAIN?! - There are gas tanks on the floor above, very heavy, so I had to to fill the room below with mops to hold them. - You could have wrote some note, you know. What should I do now? - Turn on ventilator, it will blow the gas away from the island. - I've removed it a long time ago. - Why? - Why did you built 100 ton ventilator in the first place? You could have just prepare a box of gas masks. - I would have need to search for gas masks and ventilator was a leftover from my previous project, so I've used it. - Alex, we are suffocating here and there is no ventilator! We need help! - The fuck are you doing there then? Get on the air balloon and fly away.
- charlesworth91 6y agoWhy do fish love programming in assembly? Because it's below C level
- devoutsalsa 6y agoThis is a variation on a joke I heard from the nerdy comedian Don McMillian... [1] I used to work at JPL, and I could tell what anyone's job was by asking them one question... What is Pi? Ask a mathematician, and they will say "Pi is ratio of a circle's circumference to its circle." Ask a physicist, and they will say "Pi is 3.141592653589793." Ask an engineer, and they will say "Pi is about 3, but just to be safe, let's call it 4." Ask a programmer, and they will say "I'd write you a program to calculate that, but I don't have enough time to figure out how to do that quickly & precisely, and I don't feel like getting in a fight w/ QA over a program that approximates Pi, so what you probably want is the constant hardcoded into the Math library or something you find on Stackoverflow." Ask a manager, and they will say "When do you need to know by?" [1] Don McMillan - Greatest Charts (Volume 1) -- https://youtu.be/LYE3GtXqDV0 https://youtu.be/LYE3GtXqDV0
- atulatul 6y ago>Ask a mathematician, and they will say "Pi is ratio of a circle's circumference to its circle." its diameter.
- devoutsalsa 6y agoDamn typo!
- slightwinder 6y agoNone
- codehd7 6y agoQ: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Zero; it's a hardware problem.
- grumdan 6y agoHow did the Three Wise Men find their way to baby Jesus? A Star. (This joke works better when spoken out loud instead of written)
- tharkun__ 6y agoIt's in how you write it: How did the Three Wise Men find their way to baby Jesus? A*
- 8114Y 6y agoMechanical engineer walks around the field and thinks - there is a field. Flowers grows on field. Bees are gathering honey from flowers, doing good for flowers. Sun is shining over whole ecosystem making everything grow. There must be an engineer, who planned that. God exists! I believe in God! Software engineers doesn't believes in God...
- TripleH 6y agoWhat kind of specialist does a broken iOS app consult? An orthoplist. NB: my coworkers gave me a weird look when I told them this handmade nerdy joke, hope it will pull one or two smiles here
- 8114Y 6y agoThe difference between God and Larry Ellison is that God doesn't thinks that he is Larry Ellison.
- AndrewOMartin 6y ago1964 John Kemeny and Thomas Kurtz create BASIC. 1974 Kemeny and Kurtz go to 1964. From A Brief, Incomplete, and Mostly Wrong History of Programming Languages. http://james-iry.blogspot.com/2009/05/brief-incomplete-and-mostly-wrong.html http://james-iry.blogspot.com/2009/05/brief-incomplete-and-m...
- pagade 6y agoI am surprised no one has posted this Stackoverflow link: https://stackoverflow.com/questions/184618/what-is-the-best-comment-in-source-code-you-have-ever-encountered https://stackoverflow.com/questions/184618/what-is-the-best-... These are programming jokes 'in action'.
- 0atman 6y agoThere are only two hard problems in computer science: 2. Correct-ordering of messages 1. Exact-once delivery 2. Correct ordering of messages This is my favourite variation of the form documented by Fowler here https://www.martinfowler.com/bliki/TwoHardThings.html https://www.martinfowler.com/bliki/TwoHardThings.html
- grumdan 6y agoProgramming-related humor is pretty tricky. I once told a UDP joke, but nobody got it..
- mrjin 6y agoWife told her husband: Buy two watermelons on your way home, if you see eggs, buy a dozen. So the husband went home with a dozen watermelons.
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- laktak 6y agoMy backslash escaped!
- voisin 6y ago/r/ProgrammerHumor is quite good.
- dijksterhuis 6y agoA programmer's spouse asks them to purchase some items from the supermarket: "We've run out of milk, so buy a carton. Oh, and if they have eggs buy six of them." The programmer dutifully heads to the shop and returns with six cartons of milk.
- GnarfGnarf 6y agoA physicist, a chemist and a statistician go hunting. The physicist aims his rifle at a deer, shoots, and misses six feet to the right. The chemist aims, shoots, and misses six feet to the left. The statistician exclaims "By golly we got him!"
- GnarfGnarf 6y agoTwo elderly women are talking. One of them admits after marrying three times, she's still a virgin. "How is that possible?" asks her friend. "Well, the first one was too old and couldn't do it. The second was gay and wouldn't do it". "The third one was a computer salesman and all he did was sit on the edge of the bed telling me how great it was going to be." (From the 70's days of the million-dollar mainframes)
- ghego1 6y agoThen she married a lawyer and finally she got fu**d
- koonsolo 6y agoThe most geekiest joke ever: chown -R us ./base (probably for the old-timers among us ;))
- jkingsbery 6y ago(To explain to others) So now All your base are belong to us (https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/all-your-base-are-belong-to-us https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/all-your-base-are-belong-to-u...).
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- christophilus 6y agoSCRUM
- easymodex 6y agoYes, but I was too lazy to document it.
- nielsole 6y agoA QA engineer walks into a new bar repeatedly, orders NaN beers, -1 beers and 256 beers. Satisfied they let the first customer in. The customer orders a beer. The bar explodes.
- detaro 6y agojust saw one on twitter I hadn't heard before: https://twitter.com/ctrlshifti/status/1352103674030432257 https://twitter.com/ctrlshifti/status/1352103674030432257 developer: so i have good news and bad news manager: what's the good news? developer: i've discovered that the "5 second rule" only applies to food manager: and the bad news? developer: i dropped our tables
- dunreith 6y agoA SQL developer walks into a bar. He walks to two tables in the back and asks, "mind if I join you?"
- pb82 6y agoThere are only 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
- BerislavLopac 6y agoA programmer is getting ready to go buy groceries, and his wife tells him: "Buy a butter. If they have eggs, buy ten." A little later he returns from the shop, carrying ten butters. "Yes dear, they had eggs."
- BerislavLopac 6y agoWhat is the difference between a junior and a senior programmer? The junior thinks that a kilobyte has 1000 bytes; a senior thinks that a kilometre has 1024 metres.
- justsomeuser 6y agoWhat transpiler would a sheep use? Baa-bel
- galkk 6y agoThis is long, but i love it https://www.famicol.in/language_checklist.html https://www.famicol.in/language_checklist.html
- chrisweekly 6y ago"What Do We Want?" "NOW!" "ASYNC FUNCTIONS!" "When Do We Want It?"
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- carapace 6y ago"Computer science could be called the post-Turing decline in the study of formal systems." (Dijkstra, I think.) "Calling it Computer Science is like calling surgery 'knife science'." (Also Dijkstra, I think.) "Artificial Intelligence is when the machine wakes up and asks, 'Hey, what's in it for me?'." "There are two hard problems in computers: naming, cache invalidation, and off-by-one errors." (Funny 'cause it's true.) "Which will attain self-awareness first, Wolfram or Wolfram Alpha?" (A little mean-spirited, perhaps, but funny. I respect Dr. Wolfram, I suspect he's one of the people that, a thousand years from now, folks will still be talking about when you and I are long forgotten.)
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- amit9gupta 6y agoAs virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training , programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of the their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and — in the case of the Northern Territory’s Operation Phoenix — herds of kangaroos (since groups of disturbed animals might well give away a helicopters position). The head of the Defense Science and Technology Organization’s Land Operations/Simulations division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials’ movements and reaction to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures’ speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies “buzzed” the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the Americans nodded appreciatively . . . and then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten the remove “that” part of the infantry coding). Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/shoot-me-kangaroo-down-sport/ https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/shoot-me-kangaroo-down-spo...
- phs318u 6y agoHahaha. Having worked at DSTO (many years ago) this is SO believable.
- wwarner 6y agoThe OSI Model. Ha ha ha ha ha...
- CalChris 6y agoIn programming, as in life, a single missed period can be of great significance.
- pupdogg 6y agoA friend of mine is in a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had a gig yet.
- elwell 6y agoThat bites, it doesn't make sense in a bit.
- elwell 6y agoFoo walks into a bar...
- joverholt 6y agoAn IPv6 packet walks into a bar, no one responds
- gmfawcett 6y agoTwo programmers walk up to the bar. The first one orders a beer. "Sure. And for you?" says the bartender to the second one. The second programmer replies, "Thanks, I'll have a" The bartender waits a minute for him to finish. He asks the first one, "What's wrong with your friend?" The programmer replies, "He's a Haskell programmer. He's waiting for you to bring him his drink before he finishes ordering it."
- pupdogg 6y agoA: Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy? B: No A: Inheritance!
- coder4life 6y agoThere's nothing funny about programming! Okay, that said... some showing my age jokes: Q: How can you tell COBOL programmer from other programmers? A: They're the ones with the stubby fingers Q: How is Halloween and Christmas the same? A: Because OCT 30 = DEC 25! (Octal, Decimal....groan) but don't listen to me, go to /r/ProgrammerHumor It's early and I haven't had enough coffee
- byteface 6y ago2 that make me chuckle... If you ask a programmer, 'Do you want tea or coffee?' he will reply 'yes'. and q: What's Benoit B. Mandelbrot's middle name? a: Benoit B. Mandelbrot
- dreen 6y agoMaybe not quite a joke supposedly this happened for real A bunch of programmers/sysadmins are sitting in a bar, one of them receives a phone call about some critical process on the server which appears unresponsive. He troubleshoots for a few seconds and then says "Well if its not cooperating just do a kill" At that point, from the next table, a big bald gentleman with a huge golden chain and some missing teeth turns around, looks at the guy on the phone and says "Respect!"
- SmokyBourbon 6y agoPHP
- pulse7 6y ago"Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class." :-)
- bronzecarnage 6y agoI'm a little late, but here goes. How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? (None. It's a hardware problem)
- gdubs 6y agoThe two hardest things in computer science are cache invalidation, naming things, and off by one errors.
- tilt_error 6y ago> got a light? zsh: no matches found: light?
- teddyh 6y agoProgrammers and computer scientists tend, in my experience, go for what is sometimes called Ha-Ha-Only-Serious (“HHOS”) type jokes. Meaning, statements that are true, but so piercing that they also are humorous. In this vein, I can recommend the book The Tao of Programming by Geoffrey James. There are also collections of funny anecdotes like “COMPUTER-RELATED HORROR STORIES, FOLKLORE, AND ANECDOTES”¹, “Computer Stupidities”² and the pre-MacOS X Macintosh-related collection of “folklore”³. There is also the classic “AI koans” collection⁴. If what you want is something more like a personal biography (like the classic Feynman books), I can suggest The Network Revolution: Confessions of a Computer Scientist⁵. 1. https://www.cs.earlham.edu/~skylar/humor/Unix/computer.folklore.from.net.rumors.html https://www.cs.earlham.edu/~skylar/humor/Unix/computer.folkl... 2. http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/ http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/ 3. https://www.folklore.org/ https://www.folklore.org/ 4. http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/koans.html 5. https://books.google.com/books?id=6f8VqnZaPQwC https://books.google.com/books?id=6f8VqnZaPQwC
- albrewer 6y agoI would add "The Codeless Code"[1] to this list; very entertaining stories/koans told as if programmers were monks in a monastery. [1] http://thecodelesscode.com http://thecodelesscode.com
- teddyh 6y agoMore like this: Rootless Root — The Unix Koans of Master Foo: http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/unix-koans/ http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/unix-koans/ The Tao Of Backup: http://www.taobackup.com/ http://www.taobackup.com/ Git Koans https://stevelosh.com/blog/2013/04/git-koans/ https://stevelosh.com/blog/2013/04/git-koans/
- tilt_error 6y ago# cd /etc # emacs hosts # rm * ~ # ls # ls
- cypherpunks01 6y agoWhat did the girl function say to the boy function? I just don't see this recursion going anywhere, we keep having the same arguments. Please don't call me anymore.
- timdiller 6y agoThe programmer sets two cups on his nightstand, one full of water in case he gets thirsty, the other empty, in case he doesn't.
- Cyberspy 6y agoI actually bought this T-shirt for my daughter.It said: !false It's funny, because it's true!
- linsomniac 6y agoWhereas Europeans generally pronounce his name the right way ('Nick-louse Veert'), Americans invariably mangle it into 'Nickel's Worth.' This is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
- linsomniac 6y agoGod is real, unless declared integer. In FORTRAN, by default, any variable name that starts with I,J,K,L,M or N is an integer, otherwise it is a real type.
- jasoneckert 6y agoWhich US state should any foreign developer visit first? Maine.
- JoeAltmaier 6y agoProfessor: "Computer Science is to Math as sex is to masturbation" Student: "Do you mean both are good but one is ultimately empty?" Professor: "No, I mean you will spend most of undergrad doing math"
- devchix 6y agoThis is an old one. What is a four-letter word name for a language that you write once and run anywhere? Perl.
- yazmeya 6y agoDid you hear the one about a programmer losing all of her hair? She bought a bottle of shampoo and the instructions said "Lather. Rinse. Repeat."
- injb 6y agoTwo people are taking part in a scientific study to investigate people's approaches to problem solving. One of the two is an engineer, the other is a mathematician. The researchers set up an experiment by putting a sink, an empty bucket and a waste paper bin in a small room. Then they set the bin on fire, and call the engineer in to see how he approaches the problem. The engineer takes a quick look around, assesses the situation, and then takes the bucket, fills it with water at the sink, and pours it on the fire. The experiment is then set up again and repeated, this time with the mathematician. Like the engineer, he quickly fills the bucket and puts out the fire. Next, a slight variation is made to the experiment: it's the same as before, except that the bucket is filled with water in advance. As before, the engineer goes first. Upon seeing the fire, and the bucket full of water, he pours the water on the fire without hesitation, and all is well. The team nod to each other and mumble approvingly, writing the results on their clipboards. Now it's the mathematician's turn again. The team resets the experiment and calls in the mathematician. He looks around at the situation, and sees the bucket of water, the sink and the burning bin. He then calmly picks up the bucket, pours the water down the sink, puts the bucket back down, and stands back. "There you go", he says, "done!". The researchers look at him, and at each other in total bewilderment. "What do you mean, 'done'" they ask, "the bin is still on fire!". "Yes", says the mathematician, "but I've reduced it to a previously solved problem.
- aaccount 6y ago"I am a programmer"
- massel 6y agodid you hear about the DSP engineer who remodeled the entryway in her house overnight? it was a fast foyer transform https://twitter.com/caraesten/status/1284232296497770496 https://twitter.com/caraesten/status/1284232296497770496
- billfruit 6y agoNot exactly a programmer joke: Airport security caught a statistician try to sneak in a bomb in his baggage. The aprehened him and question him why he has a bomb with him: "I calculated the probability that a flight will carry two bombs on board, and it is never likely to happen, so I brought one along."
- deleted 6y ago[deleted]
- tppiotrowski 6y agoTwo engineers are attempting to measure the height of a pole in the ground but as they extend their tape measure towards the sky it keeps collapsing. A mathematician walks by and asks what they are doing and they say they’re trying to figure out the height. The mathematician pulls the pole out of the ground and lays it down. He measures it and says “It’s 16 feet”. As he’s walking away one engineer shakes his head and says, “Mathematicians...you ask them for the height and they give you the length!”
- ch3ckmat3 6y ago3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walk out because they couldn’t find a table.
- wwilim 6y agoHere's one I've heard, originally in Russian === Why do programmers hate legacy projects, you ask? Well, imagine yourself in a situation where you are asked to finish the construction of a nuclear power plant on a remote island that your friend started. You arrive on the island to discover quite unusual pieces of design in the project. Among other curiosities, you find a room full of broomsticks, a 90 foot tall fan and a hot air balloon. You think to yourself - what a silly idea, who needs all those things in a power plant? - and your first steps are to remove all those unnecessary dingbats. A few months of hard work later, you have finished the construction of the power plant. You and a few scientists gather in the control room and power the thing up for the first time for a test run. Everything seems to be working fine for a few minutes, but suddenly, everything lights up red - there is a radioactive gas leak! You panic, because you have no idea what could have caused such an issue. You call your friend and ask for ideas. While you describe the situation to him, he is horrified. - Have you really gotten rid of the room with the broomsticks? - Of course! Why would you need a room full of broomsticks in a power plant? - They were holding up the weight of the reactor core! No wonder you have a radioactive gas leak! - My God, why did you not tell me? What should I do about the leak? - Don't worry, everything is fine, just turn on the 90 foot tall fan and it should blow the toxic gas away from the island. - What fan? Oh, this fan? I've gotten rid of it! - Why would you do that?! It was an important safety measure! - We'll argue about that later, people are dying in here! Is there anything else I can do? - You can't stay on the island, it is not safe. Just gather everyone in the hot air balloon and get the hell out of there!
- maerF0x0 6y agoThis is not exactly a joke, but these seem relatively on topic as humor: Monzy - Kill Dash Nine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fow7iUaKrq4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fow7iUaKrq4 Googlers - Write in go https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJvEIjRBSDA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJvEIjRBSDA
- andreygrehov 6y ago==== "Assume we have 1000 apples, or let's take a round figure, 1024 apples." === // get tomorrows date int getTomorrowsDate() { sleep(1000*60*60*24); return getCurrentDate(); }
- mr-wendel 6y agoJesus and Satan are having a programming contest to decide who gets to be God's right-hand man. The time limit is one day to create an Earth simulator. They begin, and both furiously code away without taking any breaks. Near the end of the day, there is a power outage and their computers are shut off. Power is quickly restored. Satan is aghast! "I lost all my work", he exclaims. Jesus just smiles, types few commands, and continues coding where he left off... because everyone knows: Jesus saves.
- whalesalad 6y agobash.org
- epiddy 6y agoDon't recall the source, but it has stuck with me since my assembler days... There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
- gmiller123456 6y agoI was going to post a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'd get it.
- pickle-wizard 6y agoA woman texts her husband "While you're at the store, buy eggs" To this day he is still buying eggs.
- AGivant 6y agoWhy programmers mistake Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct 31= Dec 25
- athosblade 6y agoNot exactly jokes but I highly recommend looking up CommitStrip. I think they're the only web comic dedicated to programmers (excpet of course xkcd).
- MattyRad 6y agoEverything in https://programmerryangosling.tumblr.com/ https://programmerryangosling.tumblr.com/ is good for a chuckle
- selimthegrim 6y agohttps://classicprogrammerpaintings.com/ https://classicprogrammerpaintings.com/ has some goodies.
- cybaz 6y agoA programmer walks into a bar and orders 1.00000000001000000...897175 root beers. The bartender says, "I'll have to charge you extra; that's a root beer float". And the programmer says, "In that case, make it a double".
- nvader 6y agoEvery problem in computer science: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25866352 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25866352
- chrisbennet 6y agoTeacher: What does "recursion" mean? Student: "Aaah, verb, to curse again?"
- twiddlebits 6y agoJesus and the devil are having a coding competition to see who can code the fastest. To their frustration the power goes out half way through. But in the end Jesus prevails. The devil complains that he lost his code when the power went out and asked the referee how Jesus could have won. To which the referee replied, "Jesus saves".
- grimjack00 6y agoI can't believe this one isn't here yet: I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
- sicariusnoctis 6y agoA Haskell programmer turns coffee into code. A coHaskell programmer turns de into ffee.
- kazinator 6y agoTwo strings walk into a bar. One of them immediately greets the bar tender and says, "I would like a pint of stout ale!$@%))34#,,3..." The other string, seeing at how the bartender is taken aback by the unexpected barrage of abuse, hastens to apologize: "You have to excuse my friend; he's not properly null terminated".
- edfletcher_t137 6y ago"There are 2 hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-1 errors." - https://twitter.com/secretGeek/status/7269997868 https://twitter.com/secretGeek/status/7269997868
- dathinab 6y agoNull.
- collyw 6y agoIt's mainly meme type stuff https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/ https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/
- flir 6y agoenum Bool { True, False, FileNotFound }; My favourite DailyWTF. The more you think about it, the funnier it gets.
- mnault000 6y agoA wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store, saying "Get butter, and check whether they have eggs. If they do, get a dozen." The husband comes back with 12 butters and says: "They had eggs."
- collyw 6y agoThere are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
- jgoodknight 6y agoI had an opportunity to ask Jeff Dean what his favorite Jeff Dean joke was and he said: "When Jeff Dean opens the profiler, loops unroll themselves in fear"
- Gairm 6y agoA programmer and his wife moved to a new house. When they arrived, he looked around and said, "I think the moving company ripped us off... I paid them to move 40 boxes of our belongings, but I count only 39." His wife said, "Maybe you should count them again to make sure." The engineer started counting again, saying, "Zero, one, two, three..."
- HackerLars 6y agoNot exactly a joke, and, hysterical. https://blog.codinghorror.com/new-programming-jargon/ https://blog.codinghorror.com/new-programming-jargon/
- dragontamer 6y agoOnce upon a time, Jesus and the Devil got into a computer contest, to see who was better with computers. At the declared time, the two beings open up spreadsheets, web-browsers, programming code, and all sorts of documents. As time wound down, it looked like the Devil was slightly superior at multitasking and was about to win the contest. Suddenly, the power goes out... and the Devil loses all of his work. The Devil turns his computer back on, while sad about losing his work, he thinks he can still prove himself the better computer user. But as Jesus turns his computer back on, all of his work pops back up, and Jesus ultimately finishes the contest first. ---------- The Devil is perplexed. How did Jesus recover from the power-outage so quickly? So he asks and Jesus responds: "Because Jesus Saves".
- elevationapi 6y ago"There are 10 kinds of people : those who understand binary and those who don't"
- dawidw 6y agoThere are 10 categories of people: those who know what binary system is, and those who don't.
- dawidw 6y ago- Can I have something to clean input/output ports, please? - programmer asks at a shop. - Sorry? - Lady at the counter doesn't understand. - I meant... eh... toothpaste and toilet paper please...
- nunoarruda 6y agoWhy do JavaScript developers stay home on Fridays? Because they have Node 8.
- 1k 6y agoA programmer’s wife is pregnant and goes into labor. Programmer brings her to the hospital, she gives birth and the doctor hands the baby to the doting father. Wife: “So, is it a boy or girl?” Programmer: “Yes.”
- pwilson__gorge 6y agoHow many functional programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Ans:0 Light bulbs are immutable, you need a new house.
- caviv 6y agoTwo programmers decide to have a bet: "How much should we be on ? a $1000 dollars ?" "Let's round it up to $1024"
- peter_d_sherman 6y ago"To all programmers, God is real... ...unless explicitly declared to be integer..." <g>
- desi_ninja 6y agojust thought of this one . not much funny but has good potential q: what is extreme form of amd fan boy programmer ? ans : they even refuse to run their code on Intel cpu even when the dev pc has intel cpu. they run everything in shaders in amd gpu so it doesn't touch intel cpu . bonus : what about boilerplate for running shaders on gpu ? ans : they hire a guy to write that for them. not touching intel in any case
- upstill 6y agoAn old one, but I might as well be the first: There are three hard problems in programming: naming, cache expiration and off-by-one errors.
- agent00shoe 6y agoI know a good one, but it's a UDP joke so I don't know if you'd get it.
- sam_goody 6y agoNot a programming joke per se, but there the lines at https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/9134/jon-skeet-facts https://meta.stackexchange.com/questions/9134/jon-skeet-fact... are some of the funniest programming related descriptions out there.
- antfarm 6y agoA programmer goes grocery shopping for his wife. She tells him, "Go buy a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, bring six." A while later he arrives home with six loaves of bread. When he sees the puzzled expression on her face he says, "Why, they did have eggs."