34 ms·

Ask HN: Are you ok?

• stronglikedan 7y ago
  Yes, and thanks for asking!
• foxes 7y ago
  This year has been a real turn around for me, I'm feeling great. I think R U Ok is a great initiative, quite a contrast it seems to America where mental health is more stigmatised. It would be great if something like R U Ok spread elsewhere. Even though a single day might seem shallow and mental health issues develop over a longer time, I think awareness helps. I didn't feel like the reason I didn't speak to anyone else was partly due to stigma.
• algaeontoast 7y ago
  Not really, I’ve been looking for work for about three months after my team at a FANG was let go due to a legal fuck up by my boss. I’ve been leetcoding but have only passed 3/7 tech screens only to be ghosted for the on-site after a pass or passed up after the on-site. Starting to question if I was ever creative or really good at this profession - but don’t think I’m skilled enough or have the energy to do my own startup. I have 2yrs experience, but scared my prior work history will make it look like I jump jobs or can’t hold a job down. Fortunately, my health and mental health are in check and I have a place to live in the US that’s relatively cheap.
  • cvaidya1986 7y ago
    Can you try teaching at your local university meanwhile?
    • algaeontoast 7y ago
      I have zero interest in teaching or entering academia. I can get interviews, just struggling to find a way that I can improve fast enough / perform at a necessary level to pass interviews it seems. Idk, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.
      • awinder 7y ago
        I doubt you're not trying hard enough. Are you interviewing for large or small firms (or combination)? > ghosted for the on-site after a pass Not sure if I'm misreading, but are you saying interview was cut short / you had an interview lined up that just got pulled at the last minute? If that's the case -- don't worry about it. This is like organizational maturity level of 0, I had this happen exactly once in my early career and it screwed me up for a little bit. So if that's what happened and I didn't just misread -- don't spend any time taking it to heart.
      • jezclaremurugan 7y ago
        Check hackerrank.com - practicing there should help.
    • tombert 7y ago
      I have a bit of dumb question on this...is it easy to just get a job teaching at a university? I thought those jobs typically require a bunch of degrees and were pretty competitive? ===== EDIT: The reason I ask, this is something I wouldn't mind doing but I've never really considered due to a lack of credentials.
      • deleted 7y ago
        [deleted]
  • akhilcacharya 7y ago
    Which prior company? I could swing a referral for you if it wasn't Amazon.
    • bradenb 7y ago
      I'm not saying at all that OP doesn't deserve it, but is it common practice to refer someone that you don't know?
      • akhilcacharya 7y ago
        We have a concept of networking referrals and personal referrals. Networking doesn’t require strong prior knowledge.
    • algaeontoast 7y ago
      May or may not have been a startup acquired by AMZN, and my team was all let go via PIP before we could transfer internally. Not sure if this is common practice or just bad faith to do damage control around our boss' mistake? Thanks for the offer though, means a lot.
  • rrggrr 7y ago
    How about some freelancing? PM me: gardner _|at|_ hiredinsight _|.|_ co
    • no_wizard 7y ago
      I'm not the OP, but I sent you an email anyway, if that's okay.
  • tombert 7y ago
    If it makes you feel better, for my first four years, I hopped around jobs about once every six months...Quit the first job, fired from the second, company went broke for the third and fourth, quit the fifth job, and fired from the sixth, company went broke for the seventh, did a bit of contracting work, then started staying at jobs for a bit longer term. In my particular case, it was later determined that I am manic-depressive which I think contributed to my firings, but I haven't ever told an employer about this and don't plan to. Typically I find that a lot of people are pretty forgiving of younger people hopping around a lot early in their career. =============================== My point is, try to not get too upset over it; I'm sure you'll find something soon, and I wouldn't worry too much about a slightly spotty work history in your first couple years.
    • algaeontoast 7y ago
      Thanks for your kind encouragement :)
  • compacct27 7y ago
    I've seen fairly few companies in the Bay Area (sorry if that's not you, assuming from FANG) that actually care that I've only stuck around most places for a year. I've only been in this field for 5 years myself, but I've climbed this job-hunt mountain before if you want a good pep talk. I've taught people how to get their first job, which is a lot harder imo. Totally up to you, wish you the best either way
    • no_wizard 7y ago
      I'm not the OP, but I feel I'm in a place where this would be helpful to me, if you are open to that.
  • davismwfl 7y ago
    You'll land back into something. I know being out of work is stressful and very hard on people, but there are a lot of open positions, more if you are flexible where you work. What type of employers are you targeting? How many resumes have you sent out? Are you trying to target a single geographical area? Open to moving? All those can drastically effect your prospects. Have you tried more traditional enterprise or non-tech companies? If you want some resume feedback, shoot it to me, my email is in my profile.
    • algaeontoast 7y ago
      I’d really appreciate that :)
  • deleted 7y ago
    [deleted]
• Porthos9K 7y ago
  If I had ever been OK, I wouldn't have gotten into tech in the first place.
  • quantumwoke 7y ago
    Why do you say that? I think there's a lot of things that are really great about tech industry and there's some things that aren't so great. What's been your experience?
    • bpchaps 7y ago
      This field fucking sucks. I'm tired of being on call 24/7/365. I'm tired of having to explain why plaintext passwords are bad. I'm tired of being taken advantage of for being a generalist. I'm tired of ex-google asshole bosses with massive egos. I'm tired of carrying a laptop with me "just in case". I'm tired of the constantly shifting "popular" technologies. I'm tired of spending weekends indoors studying for work, instead of work giving time to learn. I'm tired of pretending to find conferences on monitoring systems exciting. I'm tired of my coworkers and bosses being high at work. I'm tired of JIRA. I'm tired of consultants telling us how we're using JIRA wrong. I'm tired of the politics behind technical decisions. I'm tired of having to learn another DSL. It all feels unreal. Can't wait to get out of this field.
      • johnfactorial 7y ago
        What will you do next? You can be rid of all these problems if you start raising chickens in the woods and selling eggs and poultry.
        • bpchaps 7y ago
          No need to be patronizing.
          • johnfactorial 7y ago
            Sorry, didn't mean to sound insulting, my wife and I routinely discuss leaving our programmer jobs to move out into the woods and raise chickens.
• inlined 7y ago
  No, but I wouldn’t go into more details in a real handle. It’s good to see topics like this show up from time to time; I hope they chip away at the stigma that the US has towards mental and emotional health. For those that struggle, a support network is critical. Lean on & spend time with family, whether that’s blood family or the friends you’ve collected who are that close.
  • LeifCarrotson 7y ago
    I'm getting closer to OK after breaking that stigma. I'd been working hard to maintain the appearance of being OK for many years, not even letting my support network know I was struggling...finally came clean with them and they've been nothing but supportive. Towards the end there, a lot of the stress had been just in keeping up appearances, which was stupid! Also, OP, feedback for your friend who built the site - site scrolling is sticky on Android. I can scroll normally for a couple seconds until some JS loads and pins the menu at the top, then I can't scroll anymore. Suggest you stop messing with the scroll bar.
• klenwell 7y ago
  As a team lead, one question I always ask in my 1-on-1's: On a scale of 1-5 (low good, high bad), what's your stress level since we last met? If my teammate says 4 or 5, I ask what we can do to bring it down to a 3. We also address this as part of the simple assessment we do in each sprint retrospective. My company struggles to define meaningful KPIs and OKRs. This is the one that's most important to me.
  • hluska 7y ago
    You sound like an excellent team lead!
    • mpfundstein 7y ago
      Asking that question is the simple part. I am more curious what he actually does afterwards to reduce the stress..
      • terrib1e 7y ago
        An inappropriate neck massage usually reduces the stress..
        • glenneroo 7y ago
          I actually had a boss who did this for me back in the 90s at a small startup... was definitely appreciated! Relatedly, I've heard that in Helsinki they have some mobile saunas which are parked in front of businesses which are available for stressed out employees... not sure how true it is.
      • appleiigs 7y ago
        I wouldn't dismiss the effect of simply asking the question. Often the boss can't do anything about it. But it's helpful for many employees to be at least heard.
        • lr 7y ago
• TamDenholm 7y ago
  Right now no, the last couple weeks is where everything in my life is going down the shitter. I'm trying to just get on with it cuz my stoic nature just tells me I'll get through it eventually. I'm in substantial debt for me but at the rate in which I earn I can pull myself out of it within 6 months, but I've been working on launching new companies and it's been a struggle. My 2 cofounders are waiting for me to finish my part of the process so they can go sell, I'm almost there. The property I was renovating has taken way longer than it should have but it's almost done. My car got seized by the police because I wasn't aware it was uninsured, taken all day to sort that and I'm not done yet. Clients are not paying invoices, I'm having to manage a number of other things at the same time, and the charity I run with my other half might be getting sued. I need to find some work soon and bring in some money. So if anyone wants a remote php/js dev let me know. I know I've got a lot of things I'm dealing with but basically all of them are 90% there so life will simplify soon.
  • 52-6F-62 7y ago
    There are a lot of PHP/JS jobs in Toronto. Mostly working with WordPress. It's not in my sphere so I can't point you in any specific directions but if you're anywhere near there it's worth a look. Some do office/remote and some do fully remote AFAIK.
  • ishi 7y ago
    Dude, sounds like you're spreading yourself too thin. Trying to launch multiple (two?) companies at the same time, plus renovating, plus running a charity, plus working with clients... When do you sleep? My unsolicited advice is to say no more often - if an opportunity comes along but you're already overworked, you might need to pass on it.
    • TamDenholm 7y ago
      Yep, i'm actually painfully aware that that is my problem, the issue is that my natural brain is to be a problem solver and I say yes by default to most things, but i am trying to shut down the amount of streams of things that i'm dealing with but i need to finish them rather than abandon them. I'm 1-2 weeks away from not having to worry about 2 streams of things and then i can shut down the other things as i go on. Its just a stressful time.
• Andrzejko29 7y ago
  Cool
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• jLyrrad 7y ago
  Yes, doing really well! Managed to do tons of things so far in my life.
• ravenstine 7y ago
  I'm definitely OK. Compared to most of the world, I'm doing fantastic, and that's a thought that usually keeps me afloat when I'm not feeling so great. My work could be too stressful to manage, or I could get fired, and I'd still be OK because I have my freedoms in a wealthy part of the world and have a support structure that keeps me from hitting rock bottom if i choose to use it. Things could definitely be better, but I'm working on changing that. It may mean leaving tech almost entirely. It can be a lonely place, plus it's full of arrogance and anal retentiveness and I've never completely fit in with it. (not saying I don't have my own share of arrogance) But I don't feel too bad about it because I don't have a sense of being trapped. I think a lot of people aren't OK because they feel trapped in whatever it is they are doing. I wasn't always a happy person, but I've found that having a mindset of "I can get out of this trap" has helped me in being a more positive person. I hope all y'all who aren't OK do get OK. :)
• arandr0x 7y ago
  Pretty great, but in my experience with a time where I was struggling/my boss was struggling/a coworker was struggling (different times), nobody is ever going to answer this question truthfully and everybody will think you're a threat for asking it. list of things that in my experience may help if you suspect someone's not right: * not eating alone * eating at all, but the above makes it likelier * when people give feedback that can be difficult, and instead of expecting the person to have an answer or excuse ready, build in time "off" with no f2f * during difficult meetings or occasions where outbursts are narrowly averted, ask the person their opinion after. feeling listened to helps. * if the problem is someone is working "too hard", 100% they kind of hate their non-work lives. They may actually also hate work but work is something predictable. Send them to a conference somewhere. * people who have no friends will usually tell you so in exactly those words in the right circumstances. Believe them, it's a huge (huge!) contributor.
• el_cujo 7y ago
  Nope. I hate my current job and am trying to pick up some new skills in my spare time so I can switch, but its very hard to come home from my 9-5 and feel motivated to study a new subject. Progress is extremely slow and often feels hopeless. Any time I'm not studying I feel paralyzed by the stress of knowing that I should be doing that instead, and yet I'm so far from being done that I get no reprieve if I actually do sit down and study. I don't think this is a unique situation, I'm sure a lot of people on this site are in a similar boat. If you're reading this, I hope you find comfort in knowing it's not just you.
  • ficklepickle 7y ago
    Once I stopped being hard on myself, motivation came easier. It is still hard with a 9-5 though. Watch the negative self-talk. Negative reinforcement makes me less motivated and more guilty. Be kind to yourself and celebrate the little victories. I also hate my job. Bad culture and unfulfilling. We will both find something better in due time, I can feel it.
  • suyash 7y ago
    I can see that as I often have too many side projects apart from my day job and never enough time. Best advise I would suggest is to either find a community of like minded people with whom you can work and be accountable (online or offline) and change the environment, for example I go to a Hacker / Maker place after work instead of coming home when I want to work on my side project. Hope that gives you some ideas and thanks for sharing your challenges.
  • pickle-wizard 7y ago
    I find myself un motivated to study/work on projects after work. About 6 weeks ago I've decided to start getting up at 5AM and work on them before work. I find that works much better. I work on my projects for a couple of hours and get to the office about 8AM. Then that way when I leave the office I'm done for the day.
  • prawn 7y ago
    Are you in a position to quit or take unpaid leave to focus on the study for a few weeks?
• ta0987 7y ago
  No. What's it to you?
  • ta0987 7y ago
    Let's have a pity party. OK Except that guy. Fuck that guy. Seriously why are you asking? What are you going to do about it if I say no? Oh, nothing? What a surprise! Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Sorry guy, politically correct and socially acceptable expressions of misery only. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.
• cloudytoday 7y ago
  I love this and have had other folks use this type of thing regularly in start off meetings. Nice way to pause a bit to check in with people. We used a scale of 1-10 and if you were lower than 7, you explained why... sometimes it was a work thing and sometimes a personal thing but it gave the group a chance to either help problem solve or offload work things to give our colleague extra space to deal with the things outside of work.
• open-paren 7y ago
  I'm kinda struggling right now. I'm a few months from graduating with a BS in CS, and I'm scared. Not scared about getting a job (I've had a few internships and have a solid handshake return offer from more than one of them) or “the next step” (kids? house?) independently, just the combination of all those things. How do I find a job that's is within a same commute distance, but also affordable? How do I find a job that will help me afford those “next steps?” How on Earth do people afford a house (I mean, $300,000 is more than 3× my expected salary, and where I am, that barely gets you a townhome)? The uncertainty of the future has really knocked my level of “okay-ness” down to like a two for the past few weeks.
  • joshlegs 7y ago
    just as an fyi, most people take mortgages for anywhere between 2 and like, 5 times their annual salary. I think my mortgage right now is about 3x my salary. So dont worry about that too much. I used to stress out a lot about ANY debt, but i've learned to cope with it a bit better. You're super early in your career (even pre-career), so you've got plenty of time to work these things out. I'm confident you'll do just fine with all of those things. commute can be tricky, but if youre in an area where housing is that expensive, i'm sure the public transportation is decent quality. Buses and trains work great for morning/afternoon work commute.
  • burntoutfire 7y ago
    > How on Earth do people afford a house (I mean, $300,000 is more than 3× my expected salary, and where I am, that barely gets you a townhome)? Most young people in the world can't afford a house. They rent apartments or stay with parents until their jobs pay more and they accumulate savings in the meantime - or, alternatively, they shacked themselves with decades of debt and get a mortgage (not everyone is mentally built for that though). Also, many people never decide to buy a house, and just get a (cheaper) flat instead.
    • conjectures 7y ago
      > they shacked themselves with decades of debt and get a mortgage A mortgage is just renting a place from the bank at the market price of when you bought the house + some enforced savings. It's hardly a mill stone compared to renting for the same number of years.
• no_wizard 7y ago
  I've struggled a lot in the last few months in particular. I feel extremely isolated in my work. I don't feel like I have a good team environment right now. Everyone is segregated across campus which in and of itself is okay (I've done remote work stuff before, and been on teams where you didn't sit near each other) but nobody talks to each other, like ever. And I feel like I'm missing expectations because of it, and attempts at fixing the situation just feel like it gets met with further isolation, which creates even more anxiety. I think it might just be a bad fit, but I also feel like I'm really struggling to keep up sometimes, because I want to do really good, well tested, solid work, but I feel like my deadlines aren't set with my input at all, they're simply dictated to me and I'm expected to just perform, on demand, no matter how much time it takes, and the workload doesn't feel right to me, or even similar to what other team members have to deal with. I sometimes get the feeling I'm the odd person out on the team, but its hard to say because there's little transparency. I even went as so far as to read past reviews from my previous job and they all remark about how well I am a team player, being open to feedback and new ideas I was, so I'm not sure why I'm failing so bad at this one. It never feels like I'm satisfying my boss and my peers seemed to have iced me out.
  • dev_dull 7y ago
    Even if perception did not match reality in your case, that situation feels crummy to me. We spend too much time at work to not feel a sense of competence and accomplishment. Maybe it’s time to make hay in another field.
  • suyash 7y ago
    Isolation can definitely take a mental toll, I've been in similar situation before and what I did was just to make friends with my neighbors, even if they were not in my team or line of work, it gave me company to chat during break or at lunch. You may have to push outside your comfort zone, but I can say most people are welcoming of meeting new colleagues and making new friends at work.
• dyadic 7y ago
  Not really. My country is being ripped apart, everyone seems so hateful against the other, the government talks about record employment level and pay while people are using foodbanks and sleeping in the streets. My own life is great by the standards that people usually use to measure success. But it feels so empty. I'd rather check out and go and live in a cave on a hill, but all the land and caves have been parcelled off and sold before I was even born. So here I am, I continue to live, step over people on my way to work, where I sit and help contribute to climate change, feel the guilt of all of it and wanting to change it but without knowing how.
  • MentallyRetired 7y ago
    I'd ask what third world country you live in, but it really sounds like America right now.
    • k_ 7y ago
      Does any country _not_ sound like that? I'd like to go there.
      • rocqua 7y ago
        If that is the case, things seem pretty good here in the Netherlands.
    • draxofavalon 7y ago
      Yes, it feels like Argentina to me. I'm in Argentina.
      • epiphanitus 7y ago
        Wow really? That's fascinating. Can you tell us more?
    • toyg 7y ago
      I’d bet good money parent was talking about the UK. But yes, a lot of countries are like that at the moment.
• SeeDave 7y ago
  I am 'OK' in the sense that I like all of my colleagues and really do enjoy my work as a technical product manager. What's not 'OK' is that a snake-oil salesman/professional bullshitter who calls himself an 'Agile Consultant' has embedded himself in the organization. He's an all-talk arrogant blowhard with a savior complex centered around rescuing us from 'Waterfall'. What's not 'OK' in my personal life: I've been having a difficult time attracting and maintaining the interest of intellectually/romantically compatible women in the brutally competitive SF Bay Area dating scene for late 20s/early 30s geeky dudes. That's my fault though... I really need to start working out, eating healthier, whiten teeth, dress better, get a life outside of work, buy a car, and learn how to _have fun_ again.
  • Bootwizard 7y ago
    Well I gotta say, I've worked in Waterfall and now Agile and I couldn't even explain how much better it is. I feel like I can actually do my job now instead of worrying every day about process. You won't know how much better you're going to have it until you switch. Waterfall is a shackle around your hands and feet keeping you from getting actual work done. That being said, if you have an Agile consultant who is not able to convince you (because he doesn't sound like a nice person to work with) that sucks, and I hope you can find someone else.
    • SeeDave 7y ago
      I totally understand Waterfall vs Agile. Story points, grooming, estimates, continuous release, potentially shippable product, etc. I actually agree with the Scrum Guide [0], so my problem isn't with Agile; it's with this specific Agile Consultant who doesn't seem to "get" that process is often a proxy for talent/trust/respect and is just winging-it/BSing us all. Imagine Bill Lumbergh from Office Space with a ton of two-day CS[a-Z]+ certifications who has never written a single line of code, designed a relational database, spec'ed out an API, etc. micromanaging every meeting while fundamentally misunderstanding the concepts of "collaboration" and "cross-functional teams." He knows what to talk about but has such a superficial understanding that he doesn't know why it's useful or when to apply concepts. Google 'Cargo Cult Agile' [0] https://www.scrumguides.org/scrum-guide.html https://www.scrumguides.org/scrum-guide.html
• theanine 7y ago
  Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm getting up from my desk or why I'm eating what I brought for lunch. He interrupts everything I say and puts me down in front of other people. He took away benefits he knew I enjoyed, like being able to take college courses for free in unrelated areas like music and ceramics, and he banned me alone from making conversation with my work friends, and moved my desk away from them to his office so he can watch everything I do. I'm underpaid ($40k/year) and therapy sessions are $150 each, so I don't have much saved up to just quit and search for new jobs full-time. He threatens to fire me almost every day. I'm not sure how I'll ever get out, this started about a year ago and I've been applying every day since but haven't found anything. It's hard for me to believe that another job won't be the same thing. Sorry if that's oversharing, but working here is draining my soul. edit: thanks for all the support everyone, it means a lot :)
  • yuy910616 7y ago
    I was in a similar situation. Here are my advice: 1. It's just him. Some people are just a-holes. You need to leave. Not all jobs are like that, not all bosses are like that. Abuse is abuse. 2. When I was in your situation, I focus all of my energy to learning a new skill. It's as if I used all that I hate about this job to motivate myself in learning something new. It worked. Best of luck
  • sidcool 7y ago
    I feel sorry for you. I wish I could help you. Do speak to someone if suicidal thoughts persist. Feel free to DM me.
  • piva00 7y ago
    Start interviewing, I know that this is very often thrown around here and in other communities but absolutely NONE of this behaviour should be acceptable in any kind of professional environment. You know you are being severely underpaid (I'm assuming you are from the US even though I'm not) so finding a place paying the same or a little better just to get away from this fucking horrible situation is worth every single second of effort.
• UseStrict 7y ago
  No, I'm really not okay. My current job is insanely unfulfilling, but I need to keep up appearances so I don't go bankrupt. I am saddled with a lot of debt, some of it stupid decisions, some of it valid, all of it soul crushing. I moved to a new city for my current job with a referral from a friend. But I have struggled to make meaningful relationships here in the last year. This is also impacting my career as while there are a lot of jobs here, I have none of the networking. Trying to work on a SaaS product I intend to launch, but I keep getting paralyzed by the scale of it all. I end up spending most of my time alone in my apartment.
  • mmmeff 7y ago
    What city did you move to? I’m curious. I’ve moved between a few over the years and feel that the culture of some cities makes it harder to make friends than others.
  • inthistogether 7y ago
    To be blunt, my life is great on the surface. I am the cause of my own issues, usually, because I am very unfilled, depressed, etc. You're not alone. I have learned that single-person businesses often fail because we lack support and accountability. Consider finding someone to work with you. It might become a strong bond. Try meetup.com and "ProgrammingPals" on reddit. Good luck.
  • cicciop 7y ago
    State the city and someone might "volunteer" to take you out. You could go to tech meetups together; in general, it's easier to break ice when you're not alone in the room.
• AusTosser 7y ago
  TBH I dont know. I go to work every day When I'm home I hide into my digital life Work is 24/7/365 I have imposter syndrome, constantly, in everything. I was looking forward to "The book of mormon" for years when i finally got to see it the other night, i had to pretend to laugh. I'm an empty husk. I dont know that I feel anything much anymore.
  • charmander_ 7y ago
    Damn, The Book of Mormon was one of the funniest musicals I've seen. I hope you're able to find a way out of this.
• timwaagh 7y ago
  If somebody asks me this question i know i'm coming across in a very negative way and the best thing to do is to leave, even if i am feeling only a bit tired. Generally my only consolation is that the person asking the question does it so that he can feel good about himself.
• hazeii 7y ago
  How did we even end up here? As a greybeard, messing with computers has always been fun for me. Yet somehow, slowly the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands - to the point where we need websites like this.
  • mapcars 7y ago
    The system can not grind talented people unless they agree to be grinded. At least in democratic countries.
    • seamyb88 7y ago
      Democratic countries which elect the billionaire star of the apprentice known for firing people as a form of entertainment. Plug your brain in.
    • sodafountan 7y ago
      So naive, I hope you keep that spirit with you as long as you can! The 9-5 grind sucks A LOT of people up and if you can escape it, more power to you. But take one look at the traffic jams in LA and you'll see a much different story. All of those people had dreams, I'm sure a good amount of them never predicted they'd be stuck in a job they hate but there they are, wasting their lives away in a car that's sitting there polluting the environment on their way to a job that they hate.
  • 52-6F-62 7y ago
    > the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands My experience with computers has been the same. That and music. I make it a major point to watch for flags of that kind of environment with any company I speak to. I'm a realist and not every day can be the most fun ever—sometimes there's a bit of a grind—but it shouldn't be the default status. I would lose too much if they stopped being fun. I've had it happen once before and it took several years to find that fun feeling again. Life's too short for that.
• codewritinfool 7y ago
  No, I'm not. Family health issues.
  • natalyarostova 7y ago
    Stay strong friend. I've been there, and it is a true challenge in strength to still take care of yourself, take care of work, and take care of your family. You can do it though, you have to find an inner strength you (may) not have needed before.
• memetomancer 7y ago
  I ain't, that's for sure. I recently quit my job (HPC) without another one lined up, due entirely to stress. Something had to give and I decided that if I wasn't able to manage the stress I wasn't fit for the job any more. Kinda snapped, took a week off and spontaneously gave 2 weeks notice on my return. Wasn't really thinking straight. It's been a few weeks since I split and I'm starting to run out of money, but sadly have been mostly sleeping and am unmotived to dive back into the fray. I did manage to get to the doctor and get some meds, but they are only now starting to kick in and I no longer have insurance to get more. I think it's probably too late for me but do yerselves a favor and pay attention to stress management and all that wellness talk. This all snuck up on me because I was too immersed in the work.
  • Sharma 7y ago
    >> "... and am unmotived to dive back into the fray..." What is done is gone now. Think about it this way: You were stressed because of that situation/job which is no more with you. So why continue thinking about it and not be motivated again for a new job which definitely will be better or at the least different than the previous one? Get back in the job market and start preparing with a positive attitude towards your new job(which you will get soon). And this time you know how you can identify the situation before it gets too late. So sleep more today/tonight if you want :-) but get back to the job hunting with full throttle starting tomorrow. Good luck!
    • memetomancer 7y ago
      thanks for the pep talk! Just typing it all out was pretty cathartic, getting a positive response in return gave a lil burst of renewed confidence. thx :)
• risksorryclue 7y ago
  No. I can't do my job without taking adderall, I end up drinking too much to goto sleep, then slacking and falling behind and rushing to get everything finished for a deadline. Then the requirements change with no warning and I'm expected to have had both done. My Manager and technical lead make development decisions even though they both have zero experience with any part of our stack. I have a mortgage on a house that I don't take care of, and I work from home so I'm constantly reminded of my personal failures. Most of my team is outsourced to another country, so I assume the writing is on the wall. But I don't have the energy to start looking for something new. Plus, since I work at home I haven't made as many close connections as I did at previous jobs. I spend more time being mad at myself for not improving my life than actually trying to improve. I don't invest any time in my hobbies or with friends. My friends don't even bother inviting me anywhere anymore. I just placate myself with youtube and comedy waiting until I pay off my mortgage and my kid is self sufficient. Though when that happens I have no plans, or goals, or dreams. Bleh, it could be worse, I make a very good living, and have a marketable skillset. I'll be fine, but it felt good to have a pity party for a second.
• mapcars 7y ago
  There is no such thing as stressful jobs, stress comes when you do more than your faculties can handle.
• Uptrenda 7y ago
  Mental health is such a complicated problem because of how directly it's tied into the way a person experiences and processes information. In order to get treatment for someone there needs to be some basic recognition that something may be wrong which might sound fairly straight forwards, but it's a classic consciousness problem of having a ruler somehow accurately measure itself. It's hard to be objective here, more-so, without being armed with the right vocabulary and ideas related to mental health you might not even know what questions are worth asking. That means that short of more extreme problems I'd expect a lot of cases of mental illness go over-looked simply because people aren't aware they even need help. Talking about it is a good first step. If there is something wrong you can bounce ideas off people and start building a better understanding. This is very useful because I think a lot of people expect doctors to be mind readers regarding this, when in reality you have to talk about a huge amount of background info, your thoughts, feelings, problems, and so on, for them to be able to help you... and that can be uncomfortable for private people. Hopefully in the future there are biological tests for mental illness and you could get a blood test or even the equivalent of a grocery store style pregnancy test. That would be revolutionary.
  • phkahler 7y ago
    >> Hopefully in the future there are biological tests for mental illness At first I thought you meant something like a genetic test for some condition. But then I realized there are probably a number of chemical or physiological indications of distress, and people may not even realize it's happening. I look forward to such tests.
  • mapcars 7y ago
    It's not that complicated, just in western societies not much attention has been paid to how the human system works. Most of these cases are self-created, by self-created I mean unconsciously by not handling the system in the best way. Only a small amount of mental issues is caused by external factors. Just paying enough attention to how your system works will solve a lot of these problems.
• abbiya 7y ago
  I have been attending lot of interviews but not able to go through even the first rounds. I have nearly 7years experience in the industry. I mostly work on backends. I worked on iOS Android php node Java golang projects. My recent project included writing APIs backed by hyperledger using node. I also have a hacker news spin called 8hrs.xyz Most of the interviews feel like a test. Not one of them gives me feedback even though I specifically asked for it. Lot of interviewers just ask questions from geeksforgeeks. I know data structures and algorithms are as important as other things. I know I lack grip on Ds and algos. Not that I don't like working for current company but its been 3yrs here. I'm not married yet. My mother always worries about that. No girlfriend, it's just Indian thing. I am going bald. My eyesight is decreasing and I blame computers for that. My last three meetings with girl's family side went sideways. It gives me anxiety to look at people talk about what happens if ones skill set goes obsolete. I used find it hard to stay feeling ignored by everyone and about the whole living. I did green and alcohol. After a long period of high I stopped all that and started going to gym, relearning mathematics with the help of YouTube and online resources. I took up photography. My nieces love me. I learned to ignore the bullshitters and started trying to live a good life.
• charmander_ 7y ago
  Sort of. I have good and bad days. While my job is in the field I want to be in (predictive modeling/SWE), the team culture is so meh. No one talks to one another. I'm 25 and I am about a year into the first serious relationship of my life. She is everything I could ever ask for, but I just have constant anxiety that I'm never good enough (I make a really good salary, run a nonprofit outside of work, and have a huge variety of interesting things about me), despite her constant reassurances to the contrary (she doesn't know I have these feelings of inadequacy. I kind of feel like Alexander Skarsgard's character (sans the violence, for sure) in Big Little Lies - he tells his wife, "I'm fearful because you could have your pick of the litter, leave me at the drop of a hat and be with someone equally wonderful just like that." I also have been plagued recently by a few bouts of "losing wood" when having sex - nothing more disappointing to me than getting her almost "there" and then my little member disappears... But even just this last weekend we had great sex three days in a row... then for some reason things just don't go as planned other nights.
  • mugpot 7y ago
    Can relate. Tell her all that and stay the course. Trust takes a long time to build, even if you don't feel like it's lacking. Hard to be vulnerable about that kind of stuff but if she's understanding and supportive you'll develop deeper intimacy and the sexual anxiety will clear up over time.
• mindcrime 7y ago
  Am I OK? More or less, yeah. I definitely experience a lot of stress, but a lot of it is self-imposed, based on goals I chose and choices I consciously made. There are definitely things that weigh on my psyche sometimes, and I have (infrequent) moments of despair where I wonder if any of this is worth doing. But by and large, yeah, I'm good. I have a plan, I'm working towards it, and I'm having fun along the way. The occasional despairing moments are when I allow myself to focus on the delta between where I am and where I want to go, or if I get caught up thinking about certain things in the past.
• api 7y ago
  Once a group of students from nearby UCI were touring our co-working space as part of some kind of conference. One student asked me a question I'd never been asked before: what are the occupational hazards of the programming profession? I had a ready answer for him: depression, social isolation, and physical atrophy due to long hours spent sitting still. He said I was the first person with a real answer to that question. Everyone else just brushed it aside since our profession does not involve working with heavy machinery or toxic chemicals or anything else you'd normally associate with risk.
  • toyg 7y ago
    Sadly, these are also considered "rich people's problems", so they are unlikely to ever get any sort of support from the public purse.
• wysifnwyg 7y ago
  I'm having a hard time balancing work and my health. According to my manager, I'm performing far beyond their expectations for the role but I can't seem to stay healthy enough to stay within my sick hours.
• hntemp190912 7y ago
  No. My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm not coping with it. I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide. The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep. There's no point to anything I'm doing, to any of the money I'm making, my future looks just like my past, I'm going to work until I die anyway, and I hate working, so why even keep going? I have literally nothing to look forward to. I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of actually going through with it.
  • onemoresoop 7y ago
    Take some time off to care for yourself. Do some exercise and try meditation and CBT. Don't hope for things to fix themselves, and admit you are heading in the wrong direction.
    • shitgoose 7y ago
      It doesn't sound like OP's life is broken. He is actually OK. It is just that his life has no meaning/purpose for him. Most of life is a circus, I agree with him, but there are nice things too. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way.
  • DoofusOfDeath 7y ago
    I'm really sorry. I can relate a little about the work anxiety, but a lot about the existential dread. While I don't have any pat answers for you, I'd like to encourage you about the existential anxiety you feel. If my personal experience is anything to by, you have a few reasons for hope on that front. First, unless you've thoroughly explored a lot of world views, you can hold out hope that you'll find one that you conclude is true and which gives ultimate meaning to your time on earth. Second, in my experience the acuteness of existential dread doesn't stay in the foreground forever. At the very least you might find relief by distracting yourself with video games, good movies, etc. But with some effort you can develop friendships that buoy your spirits and take your focus away from yourself. I hope you play the long game on this. Having been in a similar place as you, I found that life can indeed get much better.
• sho 7y ago
  Before reading the other comments: hm, not really, things could be better After reading: My life is fantastic and I'm never going to complain ever again
  • jLyrrad 7y ago
    The stress level that I sense after reading the comments here is horrifying.
  • q5jwB6bD 7y ago
    Yep, sometimes the grass is really NOT greener on the other side. You may think you are in a bad spot but others have it much worse. All we can do is help them and hope that they can help us when its our turn to be in a truly bad state.
• alkonaut 7y ago
  Still good in September. October still coping. November wondering how on earth I’ll manage 3 more months of total darkness. December to February a blur of slugging through the dark. March to September again great. That’s a year with SAD above 60 degrees north.
  • kraftman 7y ago
    Can you move south?
    • alkonaut 7y ago
      Probably not (schools etc) for now I have tried doing January in the Canary Islands (they have Swedish schools there) which is fantastic. Don’t think I’d want to move there permanently.
• chadwilken 7y ago
  I am the CTO of a semi-successful startup but I believe, this is actually my biggest cause of stress and depression. I have been a software developer for roughly 8 years so I am still learning a lot. I was able to scale the company to handle hundreds of thousands of photos a day but the second I hired a more senior developer I find myself feeling like an imposter. I am always second-guessing myself, how I name things, how I am organizing my code to the point where I really start to become unproductive. I worry that the more senior developer is judging me or something, even though he is pretty laid back. In my personal life, I am spread way too thin due to debt from medical bills and a growing family. I find it takes a toll on me physically, which ironically, leads to more medical bills. I feel like I am stuck at my current company and in my current position. I wish I could get back to just being a software developer without all of the CTO stuff. I always feel bad complaining about these things because they seem so first-world, but it is constantly on my mind. I am just waiting for the day we make an exit and I can do something else.
  • EulersBridge 7y ago
    I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through, I can't offer you any sage words of wisdom. Just solidarity and recognition of the difficulty you must be having. I honestly have no clue what I would do in that situation. All I know is circumstances change over time. Also, you hired him because he is good, that speaks to your judgement as CTO. EDIT: Personally I tend to feel like someone who is more competent than me in a specfic area is secretly judging me, I've rarely found that to be the truth. I'm not a mind reader, but my brain tends to act like I am one.
  • chpmrc 7y ago
    I'm way less experienced than you but I can tell you without doubt: as a CTO you are not expected to be the best developer/technical person in your organization. You're supposed to have good enough skills to understand what's going on and "rockstar ninja 10x" (lol) planning and communication skills, to act as a bridge between the technical team and customers/CEO, and to make sure you provide your team with anything they might need to get their work done, including moral support. A leader is supposed to bring smart people together, not be the smartest guy in the room.
• samirm 7y ago
  I disagree that mental health is anymore stigmatized than it is in other industries. Source?
• satokema 7y ago
  Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them. I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. Work is okay most of the time, as long as it's about work. The environment is pretty lack and understanding. Having a non-work conversation is sometimes impossible because there's barely overlap, depending on the person. Basically, it's just existential dread. That I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same of this, and the few people I have contact with disappear in one way or the other. Sometimes I ask, why bother?
  • canardlaquay 7y ago
    You clearly bother yourself WAY too much with what other people are thinking. Believe me, you'd be better off pursuing what you truly love instead of trying to fit into what you think is 'normality'.
    • toyg 7y ago
      https://youtu.be/PHSaEPVSVEE https://youtu.be/PHSaEPVSVEE
    • ropiwqefjnpoa 7y ago
      Yes and no, being able to share your interests with others is deeply rewarding. It often enhances our enjoyment as opposed to doing it all alone.
      • shandor 7y ago
        Nowadays there's no lack of enthusiasts even in the smallest of niches. Just follow your passion and do what you enjoy, the others will be there. Much easier than trying to enjoy things you don't like, and building your social circles around that. Of course even then you need to be active at least to the point of finding the others out there, but I'd still contest it to be the easier way.
• CalRobert 7y ago
  All day long I try to get work done while 90% of my brain is filled with abject terror at accelerating, unstoppable climate breakdown, ensuing global war, and the possibility that I will witness or be part of the deaths of billions of humans. And that it will be worse for my kid.
  • pbourke 7y ago
    I suggest that you do two things: 1. Stop consuming the news. 2. If it helps, take some positive, concrete steps to contribute in a positive way to the issues that you care about. You can reduce your carbon footprint, donate to organizations that appear to be helping, and cast your vote in a way that aligns with your values.
• collyw 7y ago
  Genuine question, are we as software developers at risk more than the average person? I used to get stressed (crappy management), but having changed jobs a few times in the last few years (including one where I didn't get paid) I realise that we actually have it very easy in terms of being able to say "screw you" to a boss / company and be able to have a new job pretty quickly. That's something that a lot of people won't have. I am sure plenty of people are having a difficult time, and my intention isn't to sound dismissive but if you are, its something worth remembering, and the intention is to give you a bit more hope. Your job likely isn't worth stressing about too much.
• AnIdiotOnTheNet 7y ago
  Call me cynical, but my guess is that no one asking the question actually cares about the answer, especially if they are prompted to do so by a PSA. It's like those assholes who show up and tell suicidal people the number to the suicide hotline. They don't give a shit, they're just virtue signaling that they care about others in the least-effort way they possibly can.
  • zanny 7y ago
    I'll be pessimistic in saying that nobody replying to comments on a web forum would actually drive even 15 minutes to have coffee with you and actually be there in a meaningful way but its also an empathic question to ask because most of the time the OP is someone who recently really needed it and can recognize the value in asking it even if its not meant to be something with follow through. Its not necessarily from a selfish place, but few people have the resources to even try to hear out and actually do something about the probably thousands of us basket cases in this comments section.
  • suyash 7y ago
    Everyone has their comfort zone or in this context empathy zone, some people are very empathetic, some don't know how to show empathy or care towards others and that is just a personality thing, we shouldn't hold that against people. Think of it the other way, most people reading here and replying at least care enough to show concern and empathy, some maybe more empathetic than others. To counter your point about Suicide Prevention People - at least doing that is still better than not giving a shit about those who need help.
    • AnIdiotOnTheNet 7y ago
      My point is that they don't really give a shit. I'm not saying that's a bad thing per-se, there's only so much a human being can genuinely care about and devote effort to after all, but such actions are shallow to the point of being somewhat insulting.
      • iamatworknow 7y ago
• qa_guy 7y ago
  No - 2h one-way commute is slowly killing me and my recent Ask HN thread got 0 replies, so I am not sure what to do to change my commute. I live near my family in suburbia and don't want to move inside the city so am not sure what to do or how to feasibly get full remote employment as a deaf QA professional.
  • deckiedan 7y ago
    I left a comment on your ask HN thread. It sounds exhausting! If you want someone to chat with, let me know.
    • qa_guy 7y ago
      Thanks - much appreciated!
• theossuary 7y ago
  I'm transgender and have struggled with it my entire life. I spent years using drugs to cope; I'm sober now but feel like it's too late to make any changes. I also work as a contractor, so expressing myself feels dangerous, I worry it'd be harder to get new client work. I'm doing well professionally, but it all feels hollow and pointless. Like I'm just running in place till I keel over. Thanks for asking, it helps to talk about it <3
  • Javantea_ 7y ago
    I hope you feel better. Don't worry too much about work, risks are justified when you feel like it's time. Let me know if I can help.
  • zanny 7y ago
    > I spent years using drugs to cope If you spent years using drugs to cope, wouldn't your transition be over by now? Oh, wrong drugs... I actually recently discovered theres a whole transDIY thing on Reddit. It never even occurred to me that even for F2Ms with Testosterone being a steroid they aren't highly controlled substances and thus its rarely illegal to buy them online. All the sex hormones / blockers are pretty damn expensive though.
• rapfaria 7y ago
  Can't change jobs right now because of upcoming trip with my mother in November, and the client will probably not renew the contract in december (from 16 people, from client and my company, 5 already left). The timing is not right to change jobs, and it's giving me a lot of stress.
• apolymath 7y ago
  I can care less about what people think, I have an unbreakable mindset to protect my dignity, honor, and freedom of speech. I will never need psychological help because not one person on this planet can mentally/emotionally damage me. I persevere as a software engineer / FPS gamer / cyclist / drone racer / graphic designer / web developer (C#, T-SQL, ECMAScript 8, SASS) / mobile app developer (react native), open source developer. I don't allow myself to get into extremely stressful situations. If anyone tries to force me into a stressful situation, I refuse. I will not be a "hero" unless someone's life is in danger. I am willing to quit my job to prevent myself from being overwhelmed by stress. I have a certain level of expectations when it comes to how I am treated as a human being and how I treat others. I am not responsible for anyone's "feelings" except my own, therefore, even though I respect one's feelings, I am willing to disregard them to prevent my own suffering. My mental health is more important than anyone else' mental health because I am human, humans can be ruthless individuals, and so I must protect myself from the ruthlessness of this world. If the world was different, let's say, like it is in Bhutan where they have an economy based on happiness instead of export, I would be more willing to be emotionally vulnerable towards other people, but this modern world of ours is in fact ruthless. ...and that concludes my rant.
• timpannn 7y ago
  You funny brah
• throwa20190912 7y ago
  No, I am not. I love the field I chose(CS) and the kind of work around it. But after working for a while it doesn't seem fulfilling on a personal level. I don't feel motivated to work on tasks if all I have to do is build some SAAS products where all I am doing is trying to earn more money and not really contributing to something great. When I say something great think of something like the 'Apollo Missions ' by NASA. They were truly groundbreaking in what they did and took the whole human race forward, while the stuff I am doing is nowhere close. I don't feel motivated to do it and it doesn't give me satisfaction. In life, I can't seem to get attached to a person in a romantic relationship for a long time. I hate moving from one person to another but I can't find the one that will be perfect for me and me for her. After all this, I started falling in a depression spiral and started having suicidal ideation. I really want to off myself, the only thing that is stopping me is my parents and friends. I can't inflict that pain on them but I don't want to even continue this existence.
• ehPReth 7y ago
  hoping canada expands assisted suicide to include people like me so i can go sign a form and peace out tbh
• amingilani 7y ago
  I don't know what okay is anymore. I feel confident though so I must be.
• tasogare 7y ago
  Situation degraded over the time. I'm a beginning PhD student in a small lab in a top university of the country I live. Basically every of my projects have been cancelled. A paper I was writing and cared about for a small conference too. I'm forced to write something for a really hard conference about something that's not my idea on a topic I don't care. I have a "special" treatment: I have to point most of the work days (3) in the middle morning at the lab (I'm a night owl). I'm the only one subject to this while everyone else is free to come or not to the lab (some student are almost never there). At first it was every working day but I rebelled against. I also said no the have my desk moved besides my day-to-day supervisor, in the researchers' room. I've been recently been told in front of everyone that my research didn't advanced for 6 months (public humiliation). I've also received nicely worded email from the laboratory head about my (supposedly) inability to graduate. One small project of mine had been totally removed from the list of what's done with our partners, with no explanations, despite its usefulness, my ability to complete it in time. I've not being invited at some research events were most of the lab participated, nor to go meet field partners. So I have zero academics liberty, I'm forced to work on stuff the I have no interest in, the projects & papers I care are cancelled, I'm charged with menials tasks, then I'm basically told I'm lazy... At least every other lab members are kind, some very supportive. I just feel like the black sheep.
  • jcpsimmons 7y ago
    Some similar experience in my own PhD journey. I think two things are likely the cause: - Academia attracts sociopaths - Academia is slowly imploding, thus resources are becoming more scarce, thus folks are bitter. Hang in there and gtfo of academia as fast as you can. My quality of life has improved immensely since I've left.
  • jimbokun 7y ago
    Any reason not to leave? Do you have other career options you are qualified for?
    • tasogare 7y ago
      Yes: I've worked hard the last years to get the government scholarship I'm on, and moving in this country. I also want to work in academia, get the doctor title and I won't give up that easily. The situation is not as terrible as it could be (I would say 3/10 on crap scale), but the fact I cannot use my wide array of knowledge and skills nor pursue my academic goals and being micro-managed drives me mad. I hate not being given the opportunities to show that my work is good. I have ton of options, the most obvious ones being developer or translator.
• sad-throwaway 7y ago
  No... but I'm not sure what to do about it I spoke with a therapist, but it hasn't helped me much; he basically admitted he didn't know what to suggest. Maybe I'm weird, and need to find the right therapist, which is what people suggest when I tell them this hasn't been that useful What else can I do, HN? I feel so lonely all the time. I don't have any close friends and people only talk to me at work about work. I do try to make an effort to talk to people about their lives and such - but they never reciprocate I'm afraid that if I try to kill myself, I might make a mistake and could end up crippled. Alive, just with an even lower quality of life. That fear is about the only thing keeping me alive at the moment I'm so tired of being alive. I just feel unwanted and unloved all the time
  • losthobbies 7y ago
    Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of work? Is there something that you have always wanted to try but found it hard to start? Perhaps checking up on meetup or something like that...
    • EulersBridge 7y ago
      That is a good suggestion. If you feel like you dont have interests/hobbies outside of work, try beginning something new, even if it's a painting class at a community center.
    • alexsb92 7y ago
      Along the same lines, city intramurals ("beer leagues") could be an option too. In most places you can sign up as a single and be placed on teams that need more people. It has the advantage of getting you out of the house, doing something physical which can also help, and you get to consistently meet people? It's also harder to slack off and quit since you're part of a team.
  • EulersBridge 7y ago
    One of the best nuggets of advice I got from a psycholgist was this: call around, most therpists are open to talking for a couple minutes to a prospective patient. Find the one you gel with the most, and go to them, if that doesnt work, try and try again, until you find someone who fits. You are not unwanted, I'm proud that you were able to reach out and talk about your issues here, that is often the first step. When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage
• godfreyantonell 7y ago
  I am doing ok. Thanks for asking. I am working in my first "hard tech" job after graduating from the help desk. I am also working in my first real job. I am in my late 40's. I am a Unix sysadmin for a fortune 10 company. I have some old debts that I am slowly paying off. They are from years of bad jobs and bad decisions. I am working on getting a better job, migrating into development. My first HN comment. I hope I don't get faded away lol.
  • skosch 7y ago
    Congratulations, and best of luck!
  • foolproofplan 7y ago
    Sounds like great movement in the right direction, congrats!
  • godfreyantonell 7y ago
    I said Fortune 10 and now realize that the company is in the Fortune 200. Thanks for the encouragement nonetheless.
  • eddywebs 7y ago
    Unix system admin can be stressful especially if its a production environment. It's great to hear things are working out for ya and you're enjoying the new gig.
  • cdougg 7y ago
    Good luck, sounds like everything's falling into place!
• thanatropism 7y ago
  The other side of this is mania. I've been truly OK, GREAT ACTUALLY, NEVER BETTER, I'M A PTERODACTYL!! but mentally unwell and pretty much headed for a crash like a booming speculative financial crisis is. I think the better attitudes to mental health is (1) self-compassion and (2) compassion in general. Health is never a binary -- my blood work says I'm in Good Health but as I run through my late 30s I have occasional muscle aches, get gassy or super sleepy after certain meals and so on. We're human. Life is transient and fragile.
• throwa20190912 7y ago
  Is posting through Tor not allowed? Only I am able to see my comment.
  • dang 7y ago
    Your comment was killed by a software filter that is based on past abuses by spammers and trolls. But moderators review the comments that were killed that way, and unkill the good ones (like yours, https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20952659 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20952659). So this filter is mostly just a delay mechanism. Users also often restore the comments to visibility before moderators get to them, by vouching for them. (To vouch for a dead comment, click on its timestamp, then click 'vouch' at the top of its page. There's a small karma threshold (> 30) before vouch links appear.)
• HEHENE 7y ago
  Now, yes. A few months ago I went through a nasty breakup days before I was about to propose. I suddenly found myself completely alone having pushed all my friends away over the course of the six year relationship, homeless (in the sense of not having a "home" although I did have a roof over my head), and in a job that I quickly realized I had only been sticking with to support us because it was stable. I hated it. Now I have reconnected with old friends, made more new ones than I can count, spent a lot of time with a therapist, and my mental health is much better than it ever has been. On Saturday I start a several thousand mile drive to a new beginning in a new state with a new job that aligns perfectly with my skill set and comes with a nice 62% pay bump. So for today, I'm doing alright.
• baalimago 7y ago
  Apart from the chronic daily suicidal thoughts, sure. Ironically enough, always choosing the future-safe choice of education, jobs, friends and so forth resulted into me not really wanting to have a future at all. My new strategy of finding relationships which guilt me into staying alive seems to be working out though. Good times. Longing for that plane crash or random heart attack I couldn't prevent. Of course I work out, don't do drugs (unless socially) and stay healthy enough to mitigate any such thing though. I can't be known to be a quitter, then they win. Maybe it'll get better. Considering my age, chances are this is just a phase. If nothing else I'll probably be able to write a very cynical book. Not that I really care for anyone who would read it. Humanity is a cancer.
  • inthistogether 7y ago
    I'm so sorry. I'd offer a hug if possible. 1. I agree - living organisms are inherently cancer. Especially humans. However, I have come to accept without pain we cannot appreciate pleasure. 2. I have a great job, wife, kids, etc. but still feel depression and have suicidal thoughts. Do not feel guilty for them. Honestly, I might have killed myself if I didn't have children. I also look at the world negatively. That's what I'm trying to change. Ignorance is bliss. If anything, work towards adding a rose-tint to the way you see the world. If we do that, and choose to make positive contributions, eventually we will outnumber the sour a$$-holes destroying us. You can chat with suicide prevention online: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineCha...
    • baalimago 7y ago
      Thank you. I've been through enough psychiatric care to know that the main prioritization is the welfare invested into me, not actually who "I" am. They don't care, and I get that. I've tried caring for those who are ill, it takes a heavy toll. Always choosing to be positive is a main reason I am in the state I'm in. I was always smart enough to rationalize away any negative emotions and actions, which is why I'm not an addict, why I have a steady job and why everyone who meets me gets greeted with the biggest smile and great humor. But logic can't treat melancholia. It's highly illogical. And filtering negative emotions does not automatically leave positives, which I found out about when it was already far too late. Neutralization had become a habit. I wish I crashed in my teens and got help when it would be helpful. But there's nothing i hate more than my own death, so I try to make the best out of it. I might not win all, but I'll avoid losing the game of life as long as I can.
• par 7y ago
  Yes, but it took a lot of work to get here. I spent many years working at Uber during the hyper growth periods, and even before that a lot of startup life. It really took its toll on me, and by the end of it I was an alcoholic mess. I was lucky that after my time at Uber I was able to quit my job and re-evaluate my situation. It's been 1 year since then, and I can say my life is permanently altered forever. So many of my dreams are starting to come true, things I have been trying so hard to achieve since I was a teenager. I always fantasized about quitting my job and growing as a human, but I never thought it possible, or would be realistic. I am here on the other side now and would like to say to everyone here that it is worth a shot. Do some short term free-lancing after you quit your job, stay afloat. You are worth it. Your life is incredibly important.
• deleted 7y ago
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• rpmisms 7y ago
  It varies. I'm 18, working a high pressure and underpaid development job. I have some clue what I'm doing, but I'm nowhere near skilled enough to get another job fast, and my work/life balance isn't exactly giving me time to learn new skills. I have some social life, but it feels like that's the only thing holding me back from insanity.
• deleted 7y ago
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• q5jwB6bD 7y ago
  I'm sure that there are people in this thread that are in a lot worse situation than me but ... I could use some damn friends. Especially local ones with the same interests/hobbies. Also, my job is super boring. I have an advanced degree, multiple certificates, years of experience, moonlight as a consultant, and I write basic SQL SELECT statements in solitary confinement every day. I've tried to convince my organization multiple times to use me to my full potential. I worry about my health when I retire. Sitting behind a desk for the majority of the day, every day, is not going to end well.
  • jiveturkey 7y ago
    change jobs. change cities while you're at it! the change will be refreshing and might spur you to be [more like] the person you want to be.
• ruok_throwaway 7y ago
  I'm not. I've been sick for 10 years now. Spent meaningful percentage of my 20ies in bed without having energy for anything. I've been away from work for a month now. Every doctor that I speak to is in bucketing and hypothesis testing-mindset and none have been interested in the idiosyncrasies of my case. I have a pain in the right abdomen and back that is somewhat digestion related. I've been treated for H.Pylori before. I've done MRI, CT, ultrasound, colonoscopy and bloods and none are suggestive of anything specific. I've exhausted all of my mental strength powering through this condition for years. I feel like I'm spent and every day is suffering.
  • sym_throwaway 7y ago
    Two months ago I developed similar symptoms: a persistent, dull pain in the right abdominal region combined with fatigue. CT revealed mild inflammation and slightly enlarged lymph nodes. It's a difficult situation because these indicators are so nonspecific. (Fittingly, the pain includes the right hypochondrium.) I have essentially no confidence in the capacity of medical professionals to act upon any other than the most common and obvious clinical signs. Maybe because of its association with high social status, the medical profession seems to preferentially attract the sort of rigid and uninquisitive mind ill-suited for this complex and nebulous problem domain. To add insult to literal injury, unless one has the resources to obtain highly individualized medical attention, symptoms will almost certainly be classified as psychosomatic after perfunctory screening fails to reveal some clear-cut cluster of abnormal measurements -- as if all internal pain was a product of the mind before the advent of medical testing. Best of luck to you in finding relief. Reach out if you'd like to discuss this further.
• TASMebWdhWc9NeA 7y ago
  No. I have a chronic degenerative neurological disorder, and I am having a hard time accepting it. I am gettig professional help for this, and I hope it works out, because it's eating me up. Thanks for asking.
• bick_nyers 7y ago
  Kind of. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to perform, but I don't have much urgency (which usually helps me and my procrastinating self). I am in my last year as a Math Undergrad, studying for GRE/Putnam, am running a Game Development startup (only programmer of 4 people), and I do Computer Architecture research (I haven't spoken with my advisor for 3 weeks because I fell behind and felt embarrassed, I'm writing a paper, have all of the relevant data, but hitting a wall in the analysis since I have never formally learned Comp. Arch. in the first place. I have very little context and only surface level understanding). I know I can pass my classes, GRE, etc. by letting things fall by the wayside so that I have more time for other things, but I want to perform well at everything which feeds into an anxiety-driven analysis/planning/shifting gears/paralysis cycle. I've since realized that I only like doing 1 or 2 main things at once in my life, but since I'm not established/behind the curve yet, I feel a need to have a good GPA, good test scores, publications, etc., and I don't have forever to do it when it would best work for my happiness levels. I've been in better places, but also worse ones too.
• flanksteak 7y ago
  Not really at the moment, if I'm being honest. I always have been, generally, which is what makes it so jarring right now. I'm overworked and jaded at my current job. It's completely demoralizing to see red flags and systemic problems everywhere, bring them up to trusted confidants (and gently to the people who matter), and see nothing done about it. The management seems to be completely divorced from the reality of the situation. I know I can quit and can probably find greener pastures elsewhere, but imposter syndrome and stress in my home life is grinding me down. I know I'm competent, I think. I've learned so much being an autodidact, and am ~5 years into my SDE career, but my lack of a proper CS degree always feels like a blemish on the CV when I apply to jobs. This anxiety blossoms into complete fear during the interview process where I freeze up. In my home life, I feel like I'm the sole provider and I have to do everything. My girlfriend, who I love very much and want to ideally spend the rest of my life with, has an overwhelming phobia of rejection and most likely undiagnosed depression, which is making it impossible to find a job. I work all day/ a lot of nights more recently, come home and have to clean/cook/etc., otherwise I feel like nothing will get done. I have enormous anxiety about the future, financially, emotionally. How can I provide for two people, two cats, get a house on my current salary, let alone bringing children into the picture, which is what we want more than anything. I've been leaning on drugs (adderall, kratom, nicotine) more than I should and smoking actual cigarettes again. I feel like I'm a slave to my environment and don't know what to do. I just want to be happy and have security for my family. I want to pursue my old hobbies (making games, music production), etc. without feeling like they're an escape while everything around me crumbles. Anyways, thanks for listening.
  • michannne 7y ago
    >I'm overworked and jaded at my current job... ...but my lack of a proper CS degree always feels like a blemish on the CV when I apply to jobs. Same here, only difference is I work at a startup so I don't want to leave out of fear I won't get a piece of the pie when the company blows up. >In my home life, I feel like I'm the sole provider and I have to do everything... ...I just want to be happy and have security for my family I won't tell you how to run your relationship, but it's important to remember the main benefit of dating is that if it's not working out you can simply walk away. I've seen many friends get pressured into staying in a relationship they, deep down, don't want to be in or aren't ready for and come up with various reasons for why they can't leave. Relationships are all about compromise, no one likes to cook, but someone has to, no one likes to work but someone has to, etc. If you're giving 100% and the other person is giving 0%, 10%, 20%, 40%, I can't say if it'll work out or not, but it'll definitely end up deteriorating you. >I want to pursue my old hobbies (making games, music production), etc. without feeling like they're an escape while everything around me crumbles. I had the same problem. Getting pressured at work to put in more hours, do more work for no raise, take responsibility without authority, I wasn't going to sacrifice my life even further to appease someone making 3x as much as I was. I declined. Not only that, but I started leaving earlier, coming in a little later, took slightly shorter, but more frequent breaks. I began focusing more on my hobbies as well. I've found that the world awards those who push back.
• boopk 7y ago
  Im doing alright. Feel like I've plateaued in my current position. Work isn't meaningful nor am I learning as much if at all from when I first started. I work closely with one other person who has a few more years experience. Boss is constantly telling me to learn and absorb as much as I can from this person. It's a bit insulting since I've been teaching this person more the past few months than I've learned from them. Not only that I do believe the reason I know more is because I am open to learning new things whereas this person learned something one way and believes that is the only way to do something. I've been applying to new jobs but no bites. So it's a bit frustrating really contemplating putting in my notice and take my chances finding something else with no distractions. My bosses current vision for my role and my expectations of where I see myself being in a year or two don't align.
• deleted 7y ago
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• cicciop 7y ago
  No, I'm not OK. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Last year I lost my job and my marriage. I have since survived on occasional self-employment and burning my life savings; this month I lost the car, chances are I'll be broke by Christmas and will lose the house. My CV is atypical and hard to sell, too old for junior jobs and not good enough for senior ones, and I'm crap at selling and networking, but what else am I going to do? I have not had a sexual relationship for several years now, to the point I'm considering paying for it. I probably have had a mild form of depression for a decade - since my kids were born, I can count the number of days I was happy on the fingers of one hand. One just keeps working and working because there are bills to pay, until he forgets what the point is. My friends and family are thousands of miles away. Some days I stare at the clock until it's time for bed. I love my kids but I hate how they literally diminished my life. After downing the last bottle of wine, a few days ago, I decided I can't go on like this. I've booked a session with a therapist for tomorrow. I'll have to live on noodles to pay for it. I wish there were a place where you could go when you feel like shit and everyone else is there for the same reason and you can talk it out and nobody judges you.
  • inthistogether 7y ago
    I wish I could offer you a real hug and ear. My wife and I have split up twice before but the last time was the worst. It bankrupted me and we almost divorced. We lost a house, a car, savings, etc. Historically, I come from an emotionally abusive background and suffer from anxiety and depression. We keep saying we'll go to counseling but keep pushing it off. We are together now and have agreed to make it work. My last job was great but the compensation wasn't enough. So, I moved on and rejuvenated my career + family. Recently, the company has moved to a sales-centric organization instead of the engineering-centric organization I joined. I want to leave. I'm unhappy but can't give up the benefits. I'm trying not to take it out on my children - who I love so much but also have a nagging feeling sometimes that they have aged me and made my life more difficult. Plus, eco-future is terrifying. We go to church now. It's methodist. I don't believe in a man in the sky but find the community helps my depression. They offer counseling (a third party) for free. And I now work with the youth - more community focused vs religious. Good luck. And it can get better.
  • 7y ago
• throwaway12999 7y ago
  Nope. I was fired 9 months ago for insisting that leadership disclose a credential leak to affected customers. The company is one that publicly touts itself as being an ethical, progressive, transparent organization. Turns out if a disclosure doesn't improve the image they're attempting to market, those values go right out the window. The whole experience has left me jaded on working with for-profit tech companies, and put me in a pretty rough mental state all around. I feel disgusted with myself when I consider working for another vc backed org, so now instead of making a healthy west coast engineer salary, I make minimum wage in a bar, and am teetering on the edge of homelessness.
  • inthistogether 7y ago
    Come east. You can make high 5 to mid 6 figures with a fraction of the cost of living. Although I don't subscribe to the core religion here in the mid-south (TN), I have found the average person to be friendlier and more helpful. Nashville would be a good option. P.S. I left my last job because they pivoted to fin-tech for upper middle class. I wanted to focus on the under-served communities but was vetoed. You're not alone.
  • suyash 7y ago
    Sorry to hear you are going through a hard time and having fired can be a traumatic experience, I have had that before and can still remember that phone call. You will get over it, I would say there are too many companies with great cultures out there so it's just a matter of time and effort when you find your next one, just think it of like numbers game. I would also suggest working on something you are passionate about and finding a community of like minded individuals, that may bring you joy :)
• tomazio 7y ago
  After reading this thread, I feel fantastic compared to most of these answers. Thanks HN.
• whoisthis12 7y ago
  I guess I am doing relatively fine. I am in my early 20s and this is my first job after graduation. But I have this irritating problem that I keep obsessing over any unsolved problem from work, which seems to affect my personal life as well. Until and unless I complete that(which can be a simple algo or lets say a small features), it basically keeps bugging me. Is this relatable to others? Maybe this is because of my lack of experience, and gradually with time, I can get over it.
• seamyb88 7y ago
  I am the most OK I have ever been, and it's largely to do with being a programmer/nerd/scientist. I struggle with work/life balance, but only because I enjoy working so much that it's difficult to tell where life begins and work ends. I'm final year PhD, so I'm not earning much. The reason for my happiness is very much the space I am given to work, the nature of the work (post-quantum cryptography) and not having a toxic working environment (which I've had before). If your toxic boss was your toxic friend, you would still feel that dread you get when waking up for work, when going for coffee or chilling out with that friend. Don't put up with it just because your boss friend pays you. Be as cheeky and as ignorant as you can get away with. Teach the bastard a lesson. If you get fired, be even cheekier and make a fool of them in front of the entire staff. I was 16 when I was working under a toxic boss and I didn't have the gumption to do this. I wish I had.
• scriptkiddy 7y ago
  I feel like I'm fine. My job is OK. I'm not exactly passionate about the specific piece of software I'm working on, but I work with some very smart people who I learn a lot from, so that makes it a little less boring. My employer has been letting me work from home as much as I want despite having no official work from home policy, so that's contributing to a general uptick in mental positivity. When I first started at this place I was commuting 1.5 hours both ways. I would leave at 9AM and wouldn't get home until 9 at night. It was destroying my will to do anything. I've been hitting the gym 5-7 days a week and seeing some good progress. I feel very physically fit. I've made some new friends over the past couple of months which I feel really good about since it can be so difficult to make friends as someone going into their 30s. Despite all of this, I still just feel like I want jump in my car and drive around the country for a few months. I want to get out. I miss having adventures. Very few things in my life feel new and exciting anymore. The only time I ever feel truly fulfilled is driving on a clear canyon road or hiking in the mountains. I don't think it's too bad though. I believe that every person feels this way right around my age. I just need to make sure I don't settle for a boring and unfulfilled life like so many people are willing to do.
  • sickygnar 7y ago
    > Despite all of this, I still just feel like I want jump in my car and drive around the country for a few months. I want to get out. I miss having adventures. If you don't have any responsibilities besides yourself, then why not. If you're good at what you do I'm sure they would give you a 3 month leave, or let you work remote on the road. I did it when I was 27. No ragrets. Bought an RV and saw 36 states in around 4 months. Did a lot of hiking, biking, and sightseeing. I was working remotely during the time as well, had an unlimited verizon hotspot which worked great in 95% of places (had to plan ahead a bit). After the 4 months I was pretty much over it but so far I consider it my best life experience.
    • scriptkiddy 7y ago
      I have a girlfriend/soon to be wife that can't really go with me and I'd feel really bad stepping out of her life for a few months. I guess it could be something where I take a few months off and do a few days at home and then a week or so on the road and then a few days at home, etc.
• patientplatypus 7y ago
  Not really. It's looking more and more like the (human-civilized) world is going to end from an environmental apocalypse because people keep working jobs they hate to buy shit they don't need. And there's nothing that can be done to stop it. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't think the world was about to go to war over what little resources are left. So how you doin?
• tj-teej 7y ago
  Two years ago I wasn't. My mother had died a year beforehand and I was still getting through that. I had a boss who didn't accept "excuses" and was new to software and didn't know how to set expectations well. I wasn't exercising and didn't have a meaningful romantic relationship. I'm posting this as things today are so different. I have a very supportive boss, a wonderful girlfriend and I'm happy almost everyday. Looking back I was very depressed, but time heals all wounds. For those of you who feel helpless, please don't give up, try and take baby steps towards things that will make you happy and one day you'll wake up and things will be better.
• andbberger 7y ago
  no.
• malloreon 7y ago
  I'm in a weird place. I've changed careers a couple times, and so find myself not as far along in my late 30s as peers of my age. My current job is great, but I also have a side project that made me a good amount of money a few years ago that I've let languish in the meantime, because doing both is difficult. I find myself longing to dive back into it, but fear of failure and general fatigue keeps me away. Similarly, I'm single when most of my friends are married with children, and as such don't see them very often anymore - we're just at different places in life. That gives me lots of time to date, and I date a lot, but I'm very good at finding short term dating situations and I run away when the potential to become long term appears. I wrestle with the fear that having settling down and having a family has passed me by. On top of all that, my parents' health isn't the best. I don't sleep well these days.
• aykutcan 7y ago
  no
• anon9001 7y ago
  I'm shocked at how many people seem to be doing OK or have minor complaints. For me, I've realized that if I have to do anything for 40+ hours a week on a schedule, after a couple of weeks, I'd prefer being dead. I could be a professional ice cream taste tester or race car driver, and after about 3 weeks of showing up at a fixed time and putting in 8 hours, I'd still be ready to off myself again. When I have week-long breaks from work (like holidays mixed with PTO), I regain the will to live and there's so much I want to do, and I'm so sad about how much time I've wasted. I start projects, I start forming relationships, I feel happiness. Then I go back to work, and the suicidal tendencies are way stronger than before I left. The best way for me to survive seems to never allow myself time off of work, because I dare not remind myself of what a free life would be like, or I might not be able to endure my current circumstances for another day. I just don't understand how people function as workers in society. I hope I can retire before this kills me.
  • rileyteige 7y ago
    I can relate here, not sure if this is a reality for you but one thing that's helped me in this regard is negotiating 25hr/wk arrangements (accepting the pay cut). More flexibility, and if you're willing to burn the midnight oil once in a while you can bump your pay with a second (hopefully temporary!) gig.
    • anon9001 7y ago
      How does that work in practice? What do you do? I can do just about any tech job, but every employer I've ever had is only interested in more than full time. Maybe I've been unintentionally signalling that I'm capable of doing more and that's why I keep finding myself in this situation? I'd be much happier if I had half the salary and somehow was able to work 2x12hr days instead of 5x8hr days, but I have no idea how to find employers that would agree with that. If you could get two people like me to do 2x12 at increased productivity during work hours with half the cost, you'd be coming out ahead, and you'd have more knowledge on tap in the organization.
      • rileyteige 7y ago
• agumonkey 7y ago
  I'm having a weird issue. I kinda care about programming, but I don't know if I can actually work in the field. I'm not good enough to able to pwn interviews [0] and to submit resume to senior positions. And the few recruiting agencies I went through I probably playing games with people like me (gap in resume, not enough big names in it too). This is utterly stressful because I have no idea how fast a normal developer has to be. How do you guys handle mental / roadblocks, outright failure (failing to build something even after the deadline). I do know that there's a bunch of people being employed even though they perform badly, but it doesn't help getting in. Thus I feel stuck, and I wish I could just peek into an office or find a place that mentors people for a while, but does this even exist ? [0] in France, first interviews are mostly social skills, even though I got a pair of remote coding tests (python and java) and did well.
  • buildawesome 7y ago
    Your [0] resonates with me. Coming out of a bootcamp, I've been in the industry for 2 years. My feeling is that I'm supposed to be farther along but still feel like I don't know anything. Oh and I can't do interviews either.
• rileyteige 7y ago
  I'm doing OK, my job/clients are great, but every day I can't help feeling like all I'm doing is making rich people richer. I'd like to do something real. Even contemplating a career change down the road once our savings/investments are in a good long-term spot. My wife and I are planning to start having kids in the next year or two so we'll see how that changes things. I miss my old friends; wife is a doctor (resident) and due to that we've had to move multiple times across the country in support of her education (grew up on the west coast, now living midwest eastern time zone). The new friends I make here just aren't as fulfilling. That said, as a tangent since I see so many people here mentioning their remote work, I've been doing that myself full-time for most of the past 5 years and it has been an absolute godsend. Don't ever plan on going back. Thanks to the flexibility afforded by remote work, I've been able to e.g. get my airplane pilot/flight instructor certificates, as well as start training our 1.5-yr-old dog (and myself) in Agility. I would not have had the time (or the energy at the end of the day) were it not for the remote lifestyle.
  • toyg 7y ago
    > The new friends I make here just aren't as fulfilling. Someone once told me that most people you meet, when you move later in life, are acquaintances, not friends. I found that very true, in hindsight.
    • rileyteige 7y ago
      I agree completely. For me it's been the hardest part of this whole 'move for work/education' thing. Every relationship just seems way more shallow and I don't feel like I can relate on nearly the same level. It seems obvious, since you guys don't have the same stories/inside jokes/trials&tribulations. It's funny because people say to us "wow you're a doctor and a software dev, you guys are just killing it!!!" but they don't see the cost that comes with it. Perhaps we can move back but after 8 years the damage is pretty well done.
• ehvatum 7y ago
  Break free of the bullshit. Find your own reasons to enjoy the challenge of becoming a better person.
• fallingfrog 7y ago
  Depression and anxiety are not individual problems if everyone has them. They’re a reflection of how our society treats people. Unfortunately, taking the problem seriously would involve confronting capitalist power dynamics, so instead we will simply increase funding for medications and prisons. And the problem will get worse.. And worse.. And worse..
• basilisk19 7y ago
  Man I’m seriously torn in life. I’ve just graduated business school and have a great job working at an investment bank. Hours are crazy but the work is interesting and high impact. I just turned 30 and my girlfriend of 2 years wants me to propose a year from now. She’s a great girl and I’m only getting older but I just don’t know. I think we’d be happy forever but at the same time I feel like I’m still young and would be giving up optionality/flexibility to quit my job and travel or move to a foreign country (the latter of which is a life goal that would be complicated quite a bit by having a spouse). These decisions just get so much harder with a spouse in the picture. She’s also 32 and would need to start having kids in a few years which really would lock me down in one place in a big way. I’ve been stressed out about what to do for literally the last 9 months. Half of me feels that if the decision to marry is this hard then it’s a bad decision but at the same time my reasons for not wanting to be married may be ridiculous and I may never quit my job and move abroad even if I become single. I also may still feel this way five years from now and will never get married and realized I passed up a great woman who would be an awesome life partner.
• scoobyyabbadoo 7y ago
  I've been receiving threats through social media for a few months now by anonymous trolls. Kinda sucks because I never know when/if they are going to start a harassment campaign in real life. I've seen them do it to others, it can be disruptive but is not the end of the world. I kind of wish it would just happen already so I can move on with my life. It's hard to start any new projects if you don't know if you're going to run into a ton of new problems for a few months unexpectedly.
• foxtrottbravo 7y ago
  In all honesty, no I'm not. Two weeks ago I went to my GP to diagnose a light swelling / discomfort in my left cheek. He gave me two rounds of antibiotics and it seemed to get better. Then recovery stopped. GP sent me to the ENT. ENT also isn't sure what it is but is sure that the first suspicion was incorrect. Tomorrow I have an appointment in the hospital for a biopsy to make sure the change in tissue is not malignant. So I'm unfortunately not OK, I'm shit scared for what is up ahead. Thanks for asking, since I haven't had anybody to talk to since Wednesday where I got the news that it might be something way worse than what we expected.
• GuB-42 7y ago
  As a software developer myself, I always wondered why it is considered a stressful profession. - Most of us aren't going to kill ourselves or others in case we screw up. The stakes may be higher for people working with safety critical systems, but such systems often have multiple safeguards. - Most deadlines and time pressure are completely made up. So what if we don't deliver on time? It is not like the fate of the world depends on the new software version. It may be different for sysadmins though. - We usually have some flexibility. We are not like bus drivers who will leave people stranded if we don't show up on time. - Our skills are valuable, if you are somewhat competent, you are pretty much guaranteed to find work in your field. Maybe not a dream job, but at least something better than a minimum wage gig. Maybe that's a combination of artificial pressure with a high concentration of people who have difficulty coping with stress. Anyways, I am not particularly stressed, and neither are most of my coworkers and friends working in the field. Some jobs look much worse to me: medical (people can die), construction (risky), art (highly competitive market), ...
  • suyash 7y ago
    That's a great analysis to put things into perspective. When we are in the middle of Stressful situation, it's hard to take the larger perspective. I've also come to realize that time cures everything and every situation no matter how bad or even good will come to pass.
  • Craighead 7y ago
    We must all speak for ourselves and not assume.
  • frereubu 7y ago
    In general I agree with you. However, I think that the "deadlines and time pressure are completely made up" aspect can actually make things more stressful. An example would be managers not understanding that they're being unrealistic. If you want to get a 100-tonne object from X to Y there are pretty clear parameters and it's easier to push back in understandable terms. If you want to refactor a codebase so you can do Z, not so much. I'm lucky in that I run my own business and generally get to choose my clients, but I've worked in large organisations before and I know how that kind of bureaucracy can complete crush people.
• Waterluvian 7y ago
  I recently experienced months of sleeping problems. Where I wouldn't sleep for days. Or would sleep a few hours. I would be exhausted and my head would hit the pillow and BAM adrenaline and I can hear my heart pounding and I'm awake. It got so bad I would go into the basement and destroy a wall that I kept repairing. I would cry in frustration. I started to have suicidal thoughts. It was harming my marriage and made me a crappy father. I've seen a psychologist before for other things but there's just something about me that makes me stubborn. I should have seen one again but I never got around to it. I kept self-justifying that "new idea X" would be what fixes the problem. I think the issue was subconscious because if you asked, I couldn't tell you what was bothering me. But I think it might be about being this pillar of my family, the sole breadwinner, and had a toddler and a baby and a mortgage and a new remote job all within 2 years. Everything piles on and there's a ton of good reasons to feel anxiety. Anyways, you know what ended up changing everything and making me sleep like a baby? World of Warcraft Classic. I used to never find time for gaming. Or games would never keep my attention. I would always wander off to the huge list of things I need to be doing to be a good worker, dad, housekeeper, husband. But I got into WoW for chuckles and got hooked on having 3 hours a night to just do stupid pointless stuff in a fantasy world. And now falling asleep feels so different. My brain is relaxed, replaying some of the moments from the video game in my daydreaming imagination. And before I know it, I wake up rested and energized and actually looking forward to experiencing the next day.
  • wayoverthecloud 7y ago
    I feel the exact same with DoTA 2. Makes me relaxed and helps me sleep. Especially the part with "replaying some of the moments from the video game in my daydreaming imagination". Resonates a lot.
    • lexpar 7y ago
      You must be getting much less frustrating team mates than me haha :)
    • onedr0p 7y ago
      Every time I hit the Play button for ranked I feel such anxiety with Dota2. Normally I just play in the arcade, like 12v12 or some tower defense instead.
• why-oh-why 7y ago
  I’m not ok, I worked for 5 years as a “freelance” semi-full time, until 2 years ago when work kinda stopped coming in. I haven’t worked since and got stuck taking care of some popular open source projects I can’t stop working on. I can’t get out of this loop and my skills are becoming obsolete and forgotten. I have on the other hand learned the basics of 3 South East Asian languages while living here. That’s all my life has become now.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• abbadadda 7y ago
  Am I ok? Kind of. Not really. As a non-throwaway I'll refrain from elaborating. I think a key for me is sleeping well and relieving stress in healthy ways. These healthy stress relievers include exercise and mediation, but I do not engage in them nearly often enough. Writing here is a good reminder to do both. More of a challenge as I grow older is finding those I feel I can speak with openly about anything. These days that's limited to professionals only, and if a therapy session or two get cancelled then I can become quite derailed. For anyone out there struggling with what others think of you, something that gets me though the day is Derek Sivers's quote: "Be your unapologetically weird self." Don't get inappropriate in the workplace but remember that you bring something unique to the table (and that's probably why you were hired in the first place). Quote in full: “I gave a commencement speech in Minnesota few years ago [at the Carlson School of Management]. The core of it was to be your unapologetically weird self. I think authenticity is one of the most lacking things out there these days.” An excerpt from that speech: “Weirdness is why we adore our friends. . . . Weirdness is what bonds us to our colleagues. Weirdness is what sets us apart, gets us hired. Be your unapologetically weird self. In fact, being weird may even find you the ultimate happiness.” - Derek Sivers via Tools of Titans
  • adreamingsoul 7y ago
    I hope your able to get the sleep you need.
• Tcepsa 7y ago
  Yes, I am OK. In the micro, immediate term I'm a little burned out: The summer was fantastic, but draining; I have 4 weeks of PTO and I used most of it within a two-month period on 4 different trips with my family. It was tough to make sure I stayed connected enough at work, and in some ways I am still catching up a couple of weeks after returning from the last travel. Speaking of work, I'm thinking of making a MAJOR transition; it is a fantastic opportunity, but I am also concerned about the details (it is an internal move and I like the group I am with quite a bit, so I really want the things and people I'd be leaving behind to be in as good a shape as possible, avoid burning bridges, etc.) There are so many projects at home that I feel like I'll never catch up (e.g. it's the end of the summer and I haven't started building the raised garden beds that we were going to put in last year)--much of that is because other projects with higher priority bump them back in the queue, but it still rankles a bit. And our spending has been outpacing our earnings for long enough that I'm a little worried about our savings. But longer term, things are fantastic. I've been a software developer/engineer/architect/whatever for about 16 years now, the last 12 with the same (non-FAANG) organization (though I did a similar internal transfer about 7 years ago, which has turned out to be an incredibly positive change of direction for me). I have a high degree of autonomy and several different very interesting projects that I could choose to be working on. (For example, I recently stepped back from a managerial role that has been taking most of my time for the past 3 years or so to focus more on technical work). I'm making in the low six figures, and expect to see my salary continue to increase steadily (though it will be interesting to see how my stepping back to a more technical role will be reflected). The work-life balance and corresponding flexibility that I have here are wonderful (generally 40 hours a week, and if I go over because of travel or deadlines I can usually take a corresponding amount of time off in the next pay period or two, and it only happens once or twice a year). My commute is about 15 minutes. I have a spouse and kids, and that's not without its own stresses but in general things are going well with them. I am on great terms with my parents and siblings, though I don't see them as often as I might like. Thank you for the opportunity for me to step back and appreciate that for a minute, especially in the face of all this short-term anxiety I'm facing. If you would have told me this when I was back in highschool and the hell that that was, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Heck, if you would have told me this back when I was struggling with VBA 15 years ago in my first job, I might have been pretty skeptical (me, a manager? Pshaw!) But I am so glad that I didn't give up, that I made time to hone my skills, and that I took those uncertain leaps into the opportunities that I found.
• steve_adams_86 7y ago
  As a remote worker I find myself isolated a lot, mostly spending time with my kids. Although I love them, that on its own can be tough. My partner recently left me though and the isolation has become particularly awful. I lost a job over it which was unprecedented and a major blow to my ego. I've gotten past the initial shock, but the damage it did is still evident in my life. I guess I'm okay, but I don't feel okay. I'm alone. I have a lot of friends but it feels as though I've been isolated too long to really leverage those friendships. I made major changes in my life for her, many at my expense and her benefit. In retrospect I was unwittingly setting her up to leave comfortably. If our roles were reversed people would think I did something absolutely heinous to her by leaving like that. I don't think anyone really cares what position this puts me in. I'm fortunate in that I found a small amount of work serendipitously, but it's nowhere near enough. I put a lot of time, consideration, and effort into finding the job I lost as it fit the way my life is at the moment (staying home, caring for a 2, 9, and 10 year old). I don't think I'm going to stumble into that again. The job search has been soul crushing. So many jobs I can do, so few with a schedule I can fit into. On the bright side I went for a dive a couple weeks ago and swam with some harbour seals, a really big salmon shark, and saw some otters. I speared some fish and brought them home to my kids and made fish tacos. That was really fun. We're going to blast off a huge rocket we built this weekend. There's plenty to feel okay about.
• adreamingsoul 7y ago
  Thanks for asking! I’m going to reflect on this question some more.
• ljm 7y ago
  A lot of difficulty sleeping lately, occasional restless legs don't help. I tend to overcompensate quite a lot (due to an underlying belief of not being good enough, which of course goes back to childhood and has been the topic of years of therapy) sothe desire to distract myself by working late and getting more done compounds that. Still, putting it into the perspective of the last two or three years it's a slow but steady climb back out of the rabbit hole that was intense depression, dependence on therapy, multiple attempted suicides, an existential crisis after I didn't know who I really was any more, loneliness, moving countries multiple times, and suffering some deep loss. Going from working completely remote, in isolation, and now making it to the office every day and being more outgoing has been a great improvement. There are more people I enjoy spending time with, and I feel really good in their company. It's great to say that I'm more okay now than I was earlier this year, and for those years previously. I certainly wouldn't relive that period by choice but it's getting to the point where I consider it to be character defining as opposed to a shitty series of events. A lot of love, compassion and forgiveness came out of that.
• 100-xyz 7y ago
  I think modern life has torn the social fabric apart. There have been numerous studies on loneliness and a sense of alienation recently. A solution could be more face to face interactions. Junior needs to put down the phone and play with real friends. So does Senior. https://its-near.me https://its-near.me - Connect with people and events nearby
• mikemountain 7y ago
  Hey guys, I'd like to recommend something to everyone here. There is a book I have been reading to help manage my depression, and I think it could behoove many others as well. The book is called How to Stop Feeling So Damn Depressed (The No Bs Guide for Men) by Jonas A Horwitz. It's about 140 pages long and has given me a good outlook on handling these feelings and emotions I have. I'd also recommend everyone to see a mental health professional, if they haven't and are struggling. There is no shame in seeking help!
• jcadam 7y ago
  My previous job was absolutely terrible. Toxic office politics, a culture of overtime, micro-management hell, and of course, bad engineering. It got to the point I would arrive in the morning and sit in my car for several minutes because I just didn't want to walk into the building again. The place was a pressure cooker and I usually left angry and exhausted at the end of the (long) day. When I came down with freaking shingles (at 38, no doubt brought on by all the stress and lack of sleep), I knew it was past time to get out.
• somasucks 7y ago
  I don't know. I think I am? I come home from work and kill some time on the internet. Often times, I lose interest in whatever it is I'm doing and go to bed. I have acid reflux, so that prevents from eating stuff that I like as well. I don't like SF a lot, but I care about career progression and opportunities as well. I used to play a lot of video games, but I stopped now because of...I don't know - just lost interest I guess? I wait for a message or a call from people I know to come everyday, but the only person that calls me is my mom. I deactivated my Facebook account right before my birthday to see how many people remember my birthday, and it was a pathetic 2 people other than my family members. I am an ICPC World Finalist, but I still failed to get any interviews with the companies I really wanted to work at. I guess I'm in a decent spot now, but I am not able to get over some elements of the past and keep going down the rabbit hole. I hope things will change with time. I hope I meet some good people and make solid friends who I can hangout with. I hope.
  • somasucks 7y ago
    EDIT: Ha, no one replied to my comment here either. Guess I'm a sad motherfucker after all. Onwards!
  • rakejake 7y ago
    Hey somasucks, people have delegated birthday reminders to Facebook nowadays so I wouldn't take that very seriously. If not for Facebook, I wouldn't remember my best friend's birthday even. I think what you're feeling is ennui maybe? This odd feeling of dissatisfaction even though life is good on paper. This is something I feel too, and oddly enough, I know what to do to get myself out of such a situation. Meet more people, talk to the people I know more often etc. But I fall into the exact rut that you mentioned in your post - I come back from home not tired at all, yet the thought of getting on the phone with people is just unbearable. Maybe it is just anxiety? I don't know. But the fix is more people-time, and also a diverse set of activities. Pick up a sport, learn singing, strength train at the gym etc. When you have a lot of different activities lined up, you are almost never dissatisified. Bad day at work? Well atleast my workout was good and I'm building muscle. Didn't go to the gym? Well I'm sure the weekend hike will pump me up. The more you put yourself out there, the better the chance of meeting like-minded people.
• Random_Person 7y ago
  I'm in an odd place right now where everything is (mostly) okay. My needs are covered. My children don't hate me. I have an amazing girlfriend. I get to spend time with friends sometimes. I have wants, mostly related to work, that are causing me discomfort at the moment, but that's on me. It's not that I'm overwhelmed, quite the opposite actually. My job is pathetically lax, and my career is stagnant. I'm hoping to change that soon. I'm looking for my next opportunity.
• elwell 7y ago
  I'm OK, but it's only because of my faith in God. My life trajectory would have taken me to a very much not OK place otherwise.
• i_can_c_sharp 7y ago
  No, I am not OK. Mortgage, being sole provider, a heart attack (stress related) three years ago, corporate environment 9-10h a day, incompetent managers, impossible schedules, my own incompetence, family issues, suicidal thoughts. I’ve started seeing a therapist.
• doktrin 7y ago
  Yes and no. I just began a period of what I guess you could call voluntary unemployment, due to years of neglecting my mental health. I've had all the symptoms, but have been more than a little embarrassed at even thinking of myself as being depressed, let alone taking medical leave or time off for what I've never been sure is even a real thing - not depression in general, but myself in particular. Am I depressed, or just lazy? Is it not an insult to think of myself as sick, when there are people out there with life threatening illnesses who somehow carry on? Etc. Long story short, I've always compensated by just working harder - working late, staying up late, basically the workplace equivalent of constantly cramming. I hit a wall recently, and decided to take time off to sort out my life - which in my case means actually seeing a professional regularly and beginning treatment with antidepressants / SSRIs. I'm not sure where it will lead, but the absence of stressors is for the moment quite nice. I've been able to cut out a number of bad habits, notably self medicating with (insert substance here). I don't want to get too candid, but you get the idea. I still haven't built myself back up to a place where I have a real and driving motivation to get back to work, and I still struggle with what might be considered pathetic 21st century spoiled aspirations of self actualization, but I'm hoping that in this downtime I can work my way back to finding the motivation and meaning in life that I've been missing.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• seletz 7y ago
  Right now -- OK-ish. Had a good day. Buried myself in work, feeling "productive". Making, producing things. That's what I came for, that's what I long time ago called my "hobby". Making. Tinkering. Doing. Most of the time nowadays I feel overwhelmed, insufficient, unable. Fighting windmills. Meetings. Pointless meetings. Again, again and again. The same stories. The same questions, the same -- wrong -- conclusions. Me, predicting the -- to me -- obvious outcome. Communicating to other humans sometimes feels so hard. Most of the stuff I do is completely bogus and pointless. We're -- I'm in -- consulting hell in the enterprise world. Company too small to get at least "rich". Time-thief customers, can't fire them -- they pay employees. Can't fire them -- that would be the downward spiral again (been there, done that). Thought about quitting -- my "job", I'm a founder-owner CTO, 46 years -- but imposter syndrome struck hard. Reading job postings, compared skills to things I did. I've been developing software for over 20 years now -- but can I compete? Daily HN does not help. Change-it, leave-it or like-it -- chose to choose "change-it". Again picking fights, hopefully the right ones. Trying to stick to principles I've seemingly forgotten -- and fight for them. Changing, trying to morph my "job" such that I like it again. But I strongly feel that I'm running out of time. Brain does work differently -- slower, but deeper -- now it seems. Need to adopt, slow down. Keep thinking, not rushing. Maybe I should get a therapist. Sometimes I feel I'm borderline on the manic-depressive spectrum. Should get that app idea going I have -- two buttons "OK" "BAD". See if I see cycles. But then again, reading other stories here I feel I'm unthankful, and I'm maybe OK off after all. At least I have a very loving wife and two wonderful children. And -- compared to the world population -- I'm pretty sure I'm financially better off than 99% of all people.
• 1msi 7y ago
  No. I’ve been really stressed out about work. This was actually a very cool job (8 minute commute, good coworkers) until about a month ago when a former coworker got promoted to manager. Suffice it to say he’s not cut out for the position. Our recent sprints have left me with fuck-all to do almost all the time while being massively overworked the tiny remaining portion of the time. Had a heart attack at work 4 weeks ago. I’m 29 with no other risk factors. Add to this the fact that I recently discovered in my otherwise wonderful relationship that my partner doesn’t deal with polyamory very well at all, despite earlier expressions. I don’t blame her at all; you can’t know how you’ll feel about something until it happens, but it’s killing me. I don’t want to feel caged in, but I also feel like I wouldn’t enjoy any other relationships without having her to come home to. Lose/lose. In addition, my increasingly aging grandparents (91 and 90 years old respectively) are requiring more and more care, and get more forgetful by the day. I recently found out they’ve been spraying windex on themselves for some sort of medical treatment? I have no fucking clue. Grandma always asks the same questions and I always give the same answers. I see them every Saturday to pick up my grandpa to get groceries. Also, my actual home is a fucking mess. I’ve been letting a friend stay with me for over two years now and they have trashed one room and moved on to another because our AC is broken and the portable AC fits better in the window of the second room. Things have marginally improved on this front after telling them some things that seemed to get across how I was feeling. I’ve been dealing with all this by eating massive quantities of clonazepam and gabapentin every day for the last few weeks, but my supply is running thin. I’m signed up for the motorcycle safety course in a week and I intend to get my bike the same day I pass. Maybe I’ll die in traffic. Anyway, thanks for reading my novel. No, I’m not interested in therapy.
  • k0t0n0 7y ago
    I am not the right person who can give advice. I hope things get better for you.
  • Dumblydorr 7y ago
    Wow, that sucks, sorry to hear. Sounds like your grandparents may need home health care, what's their living situation? They may benefit from further help than you can provide from your limited free time.
• darkfire613 7y ago
  Honestly no. I’m preparing to interview with a big company that I’ve been interning with and I’m suffering pretty bad imposter syndrome. I’m terrified of technical interviews, because I’m worried of being called out on things I don’t know and realizing I might not be as qualified and knowledgeable as I think I am.
• logfromblammo 7y ago
  I am not okay. I want to work at a better job, but I also don't want to suffer the stressful, months-long shitshow that is the tech job search, yet again. My current job is boring, but easy, and pays me enough to pay the immediate bills, but not quite enough to get necessary health care or save for child tuition or retirement. But I do have an office, with a door, so there is that. I don't work on the west coast (US), or the east coast (US), nor do I want to move cross-country for work, yet again. I'm starting to get the sense that some contract manager might be setting up to screw my company, with no recourse for the common employees, yet again. I'm mainly just tired. Tired of all the bullshit. Tired of all the politics. Tired of having my company bought by another company, and then radically changed from what I was hired into. Tired of cleaning up after people who can't or won't write maintainable code. Tired of having excess expertise that lies idle or is ignored, left over from running on the up-to-date-skills treadmill. Tired of changing the pneumatic coverings on all the bespoke reinvented wheels. Tired of hearing about nonsense that gets unicorn-funded, and bonuses and free lunches and RSUs and talent shortages. Really tired of websites screwing with my scroll bars, and hamburger menus. I just want to sit in my mid-2007, back when everything was cool. Because it hasn't been good for me since 2008. It has become better than the low point, but my satisfaction with my life hit an absolute peak in 2007, and I have not recovered emotionally or financially, nor do I have much expectation that I ever will.
• shiohime 7y ago
  BUSTAH WOLF!
• make3 7y ago
  This is a really good idea, and should be a recurring HN post, like Who's hiring etc.
• hdoihajsoiujdol 7y ago
  I joined amazon a few months back and I kind of hate it. I feel like I've become a constantly working shell of my previous self and I feel like a robot. I had joined with such expectations but it sort of feels toxic. Anyway I had to get this out off my chest so posting it from throwaway.
• k0t0n0 7y ago
  Yes, I am okay. I realized a few things this year. First of all, I live in India. I will describe what I have experienced and seen. Most of the young developers who are passionate about the tech they don't get the chance to grow. Plus they are getting paid around $700 a month on average. once you have 5+ years of experience and you still getting paid $700. it's not gonna play out well for you. on top, you also have to deal with deadlines. most of them they quit their job and start there owns consulting or move on (now know why people prefer government job over tech. less stress and no-layoff plus good pay). once who make $3000 a month. their work-life balance is just shit. most of them do contract work for us based clients. in the past few days, I talked to 2 people they both make around $700 a month. one guy is working with elixir he has like 6+ years of experience in PHP, Java and some work in ROR. I am not saying that he is good or bad. I am just stating what I know. Where I live it costs around 100000 USD to own a normal house. and one cannot dream of owning a house with that pay. just to understand the business work. I talked to a guy who owns a small food stall about how much he makes. he said he makes more than $700 a month. I will talk a bit about my self. I work as a full-stack developer for 8 years now. also, I am self-taught. I was still getting paid around $700. then I simply quit because of the deadlines. plus I found out that in some (corporation) anyone who just gets in makes around $1200 in the start. this kinda stayed with me and made me realized I cannot do it anymore. I think its better business to teach code than to work full-time. maybe I missed something or I am not that good of a programmer? I find it super hard to sell my self to others. I guess if you cannot sell your self you gonna end up like that. NOTE: I am not saying all devs are getting paid less. it's all about finding the right place.
• gothack 7y ago
  Not really, previous gig broke me in many ways, I have incredibly low self confidence, I feel low and broken, had to move out of the country I began to love, and I'm not sure how to continue my career feeling like this.
• codingstuffs 7y ago
  Appreciate the question. Not particularly - the work culture at my current employer is slowly killing me. I have managed (through meds/therapy) depression/anxiety. The startup I'm currently working for has no work/life balance, which is severely starting to affect my health. Engineers are on call all the time. Having to check email on nights and weekends is just a normal week now. There is very little task management, so everything is an emergency and needs to be done right away, regardless of prior tasks or schedule. My previously managed anxiety has gotten much worse from all this. I'm burnt out, trying to make it another couple months to have enough saved up to take a sabbatical. There are days when I just want to quit and go buy a cabin somewhere and live there for a few years. I'm struggling.
  • koonsolo 7y ago
    You offer a service to your employer and agreed a price for that service. Don't wrongly assume that just because he pays you, he can ask anything. Of course he can ask anything, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with it. It works both ways, and he needs you as much as you need him. Make up your own mind of how far you want to go for which price, and stick with it. You have to set clear boundries in such situations.
    • codingstuffs 7y ago
      Setting boundaries is something I've never really been good at, and definitely need to work on. Thanks for the advice and encouragement.
      • prawn 7y ago
        There are ways you can do it with deniability built in. Switch off your phone. Then be "visiting family for dinner, out of cell range". Forget your phone under the cushion on the couch. Your nephew was playing loud music and you didn't hear it ring. If the boss says that they need you available for emergencies or whatever, say that your therapist suggested you disconnect in the evenings or you will burn out irreparably, etc.
• noaoh 7y ago
  No. I'm a CSCE major in my last year of college and I simply don't want to be there. I feel frustrated, lonely, overworked, and that my hard work is not paying off in any meaningful way. I have an offer at (insert non-tech megacorp), and the deadline to respond is next week.
• muloka 7y ago
  There's also Project U R Ok that I think should be mentioned. https://projecturok.org/ https://projecturok.org/ "an inclusive community with expert mental health resources for teens and young adults who are committed to ending the stigma and isolation of struggling with mental illness."
• jshowa3 7y ago
  I don't Terry Bogard.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• Cyberis 7y ago
  As a tech person, I am treated like a machine, one that should be in a closet -- not seen or heard, they just want work output and they don't want my opinion about whether what they propose is a good idea or bad one (spoiler, most of them are astoundingly bad since non-tech managers are usually as dumb as a box of rocks). I hate my job and increasingly my whole life. It would be great to work for people who know the value of what you do, and the tremendous effort required to do things right, and to just ask the question asked here (with an obvious interest in a real answer and a compassionate ear to hear it).
• sizzle 7y ago
  Unfortunately no, my father had an intercerebral hemorrhagic stroke and in a coma with a bad prognosis as the bleed reached his brainstem and enter a ventricle. I wish I could spend more time with him, work consumed me. Everyone please let your parents know you love them. Life hits you hard when you least expect it.
• aroundtown 7y ago
  Honestly I'm not. I haven't had a job in 5 years, due in part to relocating for my partner, family health problems, and then my own health problems. I've developed a bad anxiety problem, due in part to the shitty job experiences, which has been amplified due to my own health issues. To top it off, tech work generally leaves me unfulfilled. I don't want to work on another CRM, build another website, or fix another damned computer. I want to do work that matters, work that is new and innovative. I'm tired of not making money. Finally, I am sick and tired of all the bad luck I seem to have. I'm on the wrong side of the success bell curve and I don't like being here one bit.
• xrd 7y ago
  At the recent XOXO festival here in Portland, there was a dsicussion by the authors of the book "Burnout": https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/592377/burnout-by-emily-nagoski-phd-and-amelia-nagoski-dma/9781984817068/ https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/592377/burnout-by-e... I really found it illuminating, and their suggestions helped me get out of a momentary and powerful funk.
• crawfordcomeaux 7y ago
  I'm a retired programmer working on a programmatic approach to life using models from psychology and applying category theory to them. I'm also a stay-at-home parent who is working to develop a life for my family rooted in supportive and loving community instead of money. My partner and I also are making several non-normative conscious decisions about how to raise our child. These decisions are oriented toward meeting all needs for life to thrive, especially autonomy and respect. We don't have cohorts and are currently looking for rent-free housing on land where a diverse, interdependent community already exists or the land-owners seek to develop one. I am not looking to argue on the merits of what I seek or the existence of such places. We have enough evidence so far to encourage us on this path, including 4 potential places to live, though none have an existing community and the ability for us to move before winter may not be available at any of them. We seek community and guidance for how to find our next home.
• ryanmercer 7y ago
  Nope, I hate my job. First, it's worth noting I'm an not CS or any such as people often assume everyone is CS on here. What I do is highly repetitive, right now it's 79F and change in the office which is cooler than yesterday and my chair and pants are both damp from sweat, I have a GED and have been doing the same job for 13 years now. Most stuff wants a 4-year degree for entry level work, I've even seen a bunch of admin assistant type jobs at local law/medical offices here in Indy wanting 4 year degrees and/or as much as 15 years of experience on Indeed. I'm 34 so even if I wanted to take on tens of thousands of dollars of debts, I'm looking at nearly 40 before I have a degree. Nearly 40 to start at entry level at something. Add to that I'm a terrible test taker, I'm purely awful at them and always have been. Hell, I can't even get a "thanks" from people. One of the people that was doing http://carbon.ycombinator.com/ http://carbon.ycombinator.com/ paid me to do a bunch of research, I spent weeks of my evenings doing math and research on things like what efficiency Azolla could remove CO2 at and how much area of fresh water would be needed, on kelp and seaweed farming, new polymers, etc and then wow, this page gets published and oh hey guys, they're thanking people at hte bottom this is gonna be so cool my name is gonna be right down there!!! Nope, "Ideas & content: Gabriel Lopez, Zack Abbott, Greg Rau, Leonid Kozhukh, and Sam Altman; Design: Max Marele; Illustrations & implementation: Vlad Omer; Coffee getter: Radu Spineanu; Feedback & content edits: Maddie Hall, Adriaan Kroon, Camille Ricketts, Drew Reid, Ryan Flynn, Akwasi Apori" don't see my name in there at all, but at least I paid off a bill with what I got paid for it but I can't point to someone and go "look, look I was part of that!" I just have a 1099 from a random LLC. I tell you what, that chapped my ass so bad when I saw the 'thanks' section and my name wasn't there. Like ok, cool. Thanks for reminding me I'm not worth remembering. I make enough to pay my bills, but not to remotely adequately fund my retirement. Despite housing here being in the 100-150k$ range for a decent house, home ownership will likely stay beyond my means as well. I can afford Netflix/Hulu/the occasional meal out but buying a big ticket item (my daily driver is a Chromebox 2 for example) or having a proper vacation is purely a dream... someone flew me out to San Francisco for a couple of days last year and the few Uber rides and 3 sub 20$ meals in the hotel obliterated by 'fun budget' for a couple of months. Now add in that my, retired early via disability, mother and I live together and that I've never had a meaningful relationship as an adult (nothing past a few dates) and the regular rejection by potential employers "no experience" "not enough experience" "we require a 4-year degree" "would you be willing to move to the other side of the country for an entry level positions" "we wasted your time with 4 video interviews, scheduled while you were working, but we're not remotely interested in hiring you" "unfortunately your bankruptcy...". Yeah. I hate my life. Most of my friends are married, have houses, have nice jobs, have remote jobs, do cool stuff a few times a year, some have kids, always have the latest tech and I'm just over here like "I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if I like had a heart attack in my sleep, would it?". I don't even know what I want to do in life, finding out hasn't been an option. I've been working full time since the day I turned 18 and the maximum allowed hours prior to that from 16 on, with my first job being around 11 delivering papers on foot and during the summer going store to store on Main street asking if anyone needed their windows/display cases cleaned or wanted me to go get them lunch for tips. 2-3 years ago I reached out to someone that has had success after success, and to my surprise they replied and gave me their number and answered email after email of mine. When I asked initially what their secret was, they told me it was luck. Just luck. They got lucky. Where the hell is my luck? You get lucky, get your idea funded, sell your idea to another company, get the opportunity to do next thing, then get the keys to the castle, then have a bunch of success on the side, and then go start another thing that right out of the gate has people lining up to fork over money to be involved and you're taking a vacation over to that continent with your extended family, and then going to that continent a few months later, and showing off this bauble online, owning this crazy thing and that crazy thing and this crazy thing and getting invited to personally witness historical events and I'm over here like, shit man, that's cool, I just want someone to give me a job and let me prove myself instead of requiring some idiotic piece of paper from a university. Around this time last year I went fully outside of the box and desperate... I legitimately tried to sell my life to someone. I figured out about how much money I'd need to retire today and told them I would will them 50% of my estate, 15% of all gross earnings for xx years AND the benficiary of as much life insurance as I could obtain (up to but not over the loaned amount) and give them as much access to my financial dealings going forward as they required. They declined "that would be like slavery" well what the hell do you think my life is now? If I have even a minor cash emergency, I'm screwed and I already had to fiel bankruptcy once. I make enough to survive with some comfort, I do not make enough to grow or enough to experiment. What I would have done with the money is just vanished for a month, just disconnected from everyone and gone camping and seeing new places for a month. Then I would have started looking for what I want to do with my life. I'd love to go apprentice with a blacksmith for a week or three, I'd love to go audit a few brick and mortar college classes to get an idea of if it is something I feel I could actually do. I'd love to go volunteer at various volunteer opportunities and just interact with people and hear their stories and struggles and try and find out who I am and what I want to do/be. So, no I'm not ok. I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate the world we live in (for way too many reasons to list here). There are men that effectively have their own private spacecraft walking around this planet but taking a 3 day trip to Disney World is literally a dream that I'd never be able to justify at my current income because I could use the money for far more practical things.
• throwaway234989 7y ago
  I'm fine, but not really. Last year after quite a painful breakup, after which everything went to shit. Soon after being dumped I was pushed out of my own startup by my co-founders. This lead to me to a self destructive spiral damaging everything I touched, especially uni, which in reality is my only true responsibility. (I'm very lucky to have come from a stable and supportive environment) This (academic) year was me basically trying to fix everything I fucked up last year. Passing all the courses I failed while listening to quite a few new ones. I did fine and there are just fivee courses between me and my degree. In 5 days I have a final for one of them which I MUST pass now. If I fail, I probably won't be allowed to re-enroll, which means I won't be able to get my degree, which means the last four years have been for nothing. The worst thing is, this is my fourth year in a three year degree, and if all goes well I'll only be able to finish it next year. So five years total. To top things off I failed this exam last week by a big margin 20%. I spent a month and a half studying for it, now I have less than a week to reprepare. I don't know where to start or what to do. What I did wrong last time. I lack motivation and it all feels pointless and useless. How can I do something in less than 5 days, that I didn't manage in more than a month. I'm not sure if I'm too dumb to pass, or just an idiot for not being able to force myself to sit down and work, to give 100%. Sorry for the rant, thank you for letting me get this of my chest. I'm probably gonna go to bed now, wake up at four and try to get some work done.
• anonbpdev 7y ago
  I am OK, now. In college, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after staying awake for three days and attempting suicide. I was hospitalized for a week, then had delusions and depression that persisted for months. Two years later I had a rough mixed episode. A year later I finished school. I graduated with a social science degree and was lucky to get a customer service job in online retail making $13 / hour. I worked there for several years, taking abuse from regular American consumers. They would cuss me out for trivial reasons, like if I couldn't give them a discount on an item they had ordered if the price went down the next day. I held on because it almost paid the bills. I managed to get a better customer service job at another company with a train commute. I studied coding on the train. I switched companies again, nearly doubling my pay, and kept studying as much as I could. Years later, I'm a real Software Developer and I make a pretty decent living. More importantly, I've been asymptomatic for over ten years. I have a successful career and have built a great life for myself. And I'm happy. Would I feel comfortable sharing my story in a professional setting? Probably not. It took some guts just to post this with a new account. I don't know what will need to change for the mental health stigma to go away. For now, I will probably continue to fly under the radar, maybe like many others. Months ago a good friend was really battling depression. I wish I was better at helping people in need, I wish I could just find the happiness switch in their head and flick it to 'on'. But you can't usually fix another person. They have to do it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, far from it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen, try to understand, and help them help themself. Or open the door for them to ask for help. Like by asking, "Are you OK?".
• protectid 7y ago
  I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do all the talking which is fine with me. I am fine with most things except for the things I believe in then I am very stubborn. When I put my foot down it seems things just escalate. It seems to take my partners by surprise when I disagree or put my foot down and they don't take it too well. Now I am not sure anymore whether it is how I communicate that causes all my problems. I just want peace so I acquiesce even though I know deep down I don't agree. Well you guessed it, the peace doesn't last too long because I truly do not believe in whatever it is I have agreed to. The arguments and accusations escalate. I am heterosexual male. Typical items include me being told I am not caring enough yet to me I feel like spend hours listening to my partner and asking how they feel. I carry bags, fix plumbing, make the bed, sweep, occasionally cook. I am just not the flower sort of guy but somehow nothing ever seems good enough. I think I take criticisms to heart. I don't mind the off argument or criticism but what kills me is that this seems to happen every other day. I don't get enough time to recover my peace and self confidence before another bout of criticisms gets thrown my way. Its been 5 years. I love her very much, we have made some wonderful memories but honestly I cannot see myself living like this for the rest of my life.
  • bjornlouser 7y ago
    I wonder if you should just give her a copy of what you wrote above and see what happens?
  • VoiceOfWisdom 7y ago
    Read the sidebar at /r/marriedredpill/. I think you would benefit from reading No More Mr Nice Guy, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Don't be turned off by the red pill language.
    • protectid 7y ago
      On the subreddit now as I type this. Man you have hit the nail on the head though with the one line. I feel so guilty when I disagree and she doesn't see my point. Its like I want her to say okay I see your point but we never seem to get there unless it is her point of view. I want to stand up for what I believe in (for the record it is things like how to save money, stuff I can pull numbers for). I come from a family where we plan things long term. So we would sit and talk about a kitchen renovation for a year or two while we saved money and weighed different options before doing. Even then we would do as much as we could ourselves. She comes from a family where you just call up a designer and contractor and hand over the house. Trouble is we don't have the money to hire designer and contractor and we don't agree on how to save money so it comes across as if I am stingy person denying her, her dream kitchen. She isn't a horrible person I promise but we just cannot do things together and I don't know what to do.
• Hayvok 7y ago
  Yep.
• sys_64738 7y ago
  I used to have trouble sleeping as the problem of the day was constantly in my head. My minimal solution is to go home at a milestone point where you've solved the problem to a point requiring further debug/writing of code. I try to apply this always now, especially for weekends and vacations.
  • redisman 7y ago
    I found meditation to be most helpful with it. Now I catch myself doing it and put an end to it.
• bewareandaware 7y ago
  I've been having different sensations on my belly, and thought this had something to do with my stomach and digestion. Turns out that heart palpitations is one of the symptoms of being highly anxious and stressed out. On tuesday I had my first anxiety crisis and ran out of the office, only to return after 30 minutes. For the first time in my career this week I've left with a sick leave that will endure until the week following the next one. Since medical leave is paid by the state, my winnings will be cut to around 50% for the time that I'm home, and I feel ok with it. I feel that a week and a half won't cut it. Guess that's what happens when you burn your brain on a project you don't fully understand why it's being done and interview around 200 different people in the timeframe of an year. Fuck company growth and fuck the company.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• danbrooks 7y ago
  I am doing OK, thank you for asking. I recently graduated from a PhD program and am learning more about ML applications in industry.
• leekh 7y ago
  I'm okay. Just got surgery on my eyes to correct my strabismus. I'm taking a week off of work. I taking my last OMSCS class, but the pressure is on to pass. Overall, life is okay. Could be worse but I'm fine.
• manish_gill 7y ago
  Don't know. I moved to Europe a month ago, leaving friends family and girlfriend behind, only to find out that the company might be facing a tough time ahead - CTO has left, primary revenue sources are expected to take a downfall and investor confidence is low. I was actually hoping to do some sort of part-time Data Science/ML Masters along with my work, but looks like I'll have to get back on the interview grind pretty soon. Not looking forward to getting back on the Interview grind - take home assignments which last a week or so, or intense algorithms training. Next company will definitely be a stable/big tech one. But for that, I'll need to leetcode like crazy. Unsure of my future.
• mottosso 7y ago
  I was skimming thought each top level comment looking for just one person doing well and was most surprised not to find a single one :O I almost feel out of place saying this now, but surely we need balance? I feel great! I'm doing what I love (for 13 years), what feels like it was meant for me (VFX), have got a partner (for 7 years) that I love and have nothing but hopes (wealth), dreams (AGI) and confidence for the future. Am I alone?
• catawampus 7y ago
  Not really. I've been a developer for only four years. In that time I've had two jobs. Both went badly, resulting my losing the job. In both cases my boss started off friendly and encouraging and became more and more impatient with me and disappointed in me. After the second job ended, earlier this year, I took time off to study some cs topics to improve as a developer in the areas where I seem to have decificts. I don't know whether I've improved. I don't know whether I'm any good. I don't know whether I have any aptitude for coding. I just started applying for jobs, and I have no confidence, no optimism, no eagerness, and kind of want to disappear into a hole and never emerge. I like coding, but I don't know whether I should even make an effort to stay in the field. I'm not at risk. I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just despondent.
• wtfishappening 7y ago
  Working as a Software Engineer in a company that the boss seems to take all the wrongs decisions. If we had not the kid, I probably would have gotten a divorce. Also in another country and not the one that I have been raised, which pretty much sucks, except the pay which is like 2 times more as I could make back home. Even if I could find something interesting back home, the wife is against returning. Currently at my maximum weight ever, smoker, and almost always depressive. Any suggestions welcome.
• CM30 7y ago
  Not at the moment. Feel kinda depressed, and lacking any motivation to do anything. Part of me wonders if it's simple burn out from trying to do too many things at once (multiple side projects plus a full time job), the other part wonders if I've simply lost most interest in coding altogether. Still, not as if there are many alternatives now. Software engineering is the only thing I have any interest in that makes money any more, and the only ticket to a decent lifestyle. Other interests (like writing, journalism, etc) simply don't pay any more because of the internet whereas things like video production and game design are like buying lottery tickets. Regardless, it's getting difficult to sleep because of it all. I always feel like there's more I should be doing, while having no energy or interest in actually doing it. I also feel I can't really trust anyone either, which probably adds to the pressure a bit. Just found no one I can work with or even truly empathise with, so end up doing everything for every project I work on myself. If I make a game, then I have to draw the graphics, compose the soundtrack, design every level, write every line of code and text and do every aspect of the marketing myself, and I can't be happy til each and every one is at a professional standard. This obviously means few things actually get finished. So yeah, depressed, finding it hard to sleep, obsessed over perfectionism in everything, unable to trust anyone and always stuck feeling there's far more I should be doing and that I should be more successful at everything.
• sjustns 7y ago
  I just wanted to comment to recommend a book: The Earth Has a Soul: C.G. Jung on Nature, Technology & Modern Life
• DidISayTooMuch 7y ago
  If I can get a girlfriend, I'd be ok. People say you gotta be complete yourself and not look for another person to be alright, but that's kinda bullshit, I think. I live in SF and dating is so app based here. I don't do well in these apps. Apart from that, I think I'm ok. Don't really like working fulltime but I've gotta a FI/RE plan to leave in a few years.
  • JelteF 7y ago
    It's not dating advice, but this comedy show might make you feel a bit better: https://www.netflix.com/nl-en/title/80223685?preventIntent=true https://www.netflix.com/nl-en/title/80223685?preventIntent=t... (Daniel Sloss: Jigsaw, in case link doesn't work for you) There's some good life lessons in there about the feeling of needing relationships and it's very funny at the same time.
• throwawaytoon1 7y ago
  Disclaimer: throwaway account. I have a great job that pays well, love my colleagues, etc. But I feel like my management hates or at the very least ignores my existence. My boss doesn’t understand technology: every time I do something that saves others time or money I get torn a new asshole about how nobody asked for it or how they don’t understand how it works. Consequently I find myself just doing the bare minimum they ask for, which is demoralIzing because I know I could do so much more. I’d love to do a startup or another job, but I need a guaranteed paycheck for my family. I don’t know. I feel like Bilbo Baggins: too little butter scraped over too much bread.
• petrolenna 7y ago
  I'm mostly OK. I'm happy at work, happy at home. But I feel like I'm on the precipice of royally f*cking things up. My relationship with a colleague is dangerously close to becoming inappropriate. I'm happily married, with kids, and I don't have the need for anything extra marital, be it on a social or physical level. Genuinely happy. Yet, this work relationships seems to be progressing into something that, at some point, can be seen as an affair. We're both fairly isolated in the company, and (mostly) only have each other to speak to about issues and pressure within the company. We also work on a lot of things together. This results in us spending a ton of time together, either working or talking about work. There's some social compatibility as well, but nothing mind blowing. We've developed an easy going relationship with a lot of shared experiences and vocabulary, resulting in an intimacy which, although I enjoy it, I'm not always comfortable with. Especially since he seems to be so easy going with casual touches and interactions. I've made a point of prioritizing my spouse and kids, and not to allow my work relationship to interfere. I've set up sanity checks for myself to assess if I'm over stepping in any way (through looks, touch, prioritizing, day dreaming, whatever), yet the relationship keeps on growing deeper, and I have no way of stopping it. Short of quitting. I don't want to quit. I love my job. I've worked towards a job like this for years. It took years of hard work, learning, networking, grinding and hustling to get to this point. I've invested so much in this job that it will take me years to build up to something like this again. The job allows me to live how I want to live, spend time with my family, provide for my family. Still, I know that I'll loose pretty much all of it if I step over the line. I won't be able to trust myself, I won't be able to ask my spouse to trust me. I just can not allow that to happen. So that's me, mostly OK, but stuck between a rock and a hard place.
• lostletterbox 7y ago
  I recently left a government contracting role which I guess I completely mishandled. Miscommunication and a prejudice management left me in a position were I felt ostracised from other developers... Of course this didn't really help my imposter syndrome and for two years I struggled with increasing isolation (in a new city), low(ering) self esteem, and feelings of suffocating in a hostile environment. I don't really understand why it all happened, I know that I have certain character weaknesses that would make me prone to these situations developing... but the specifics on why it happened elude me; ultimately I blame myself. It's been 2.5 months since I left and I'm struggling to find employment and I don't know why... I've been a day to day programmer for 3+ years, have a computer science qualification, and have some prestigious names on my resume. I guess in the Sydney market (perhaps others too) companies what you to have the relevant experience in specific frameworks (rather than just the tooling), which means I guess it's important to ditch legacy development and ensure you're on top of the most recent buzzwords. That and with the state of civic participation/oversight, little to no personal engagement, and tiredness around getting asked the same bs questions from recruiters I start to wonder what's the point.
• iMage 7y ago
  I"m not doing too well. Obligatory I'm doing better than many here, but I still feel that I have my own problems. For one, I'm younger than many people here, so about a year from now I've got all of the fun of the college application process to look towards. This year I've started taking all of my classes at my state's university, which has been a very good experience academically, so for the first time there is a real feeling that my grades matter. This stems from two roots, first I have a feeling of imposter syndrome when it comes to learning and also I'm worried about being a class in which I have a hard time following the professor or the assignments seem unclear, which I am currently experiencing in one of my classes. Also, I still have activities at my high school before and after university, so I spend over two and a half hours every day commuting. That ties into another of my problems, I feel like I over-invest in everything I do and it often hurts, though I have yet to be entirely burned by anything. Currently I'm on an FRC team, and have lead an initiative to put rookies through FTC and I'm the main student coordinator on that while feeling that I myself don't know enough or have the time to learn. This post in itself has been disconcerting for me, I've always felt that my mindset is very similar to others on HN, just a decade or two younger, and I very much imagine being in similar situations to many here a few years from now. I'm struggling with questions such as whether I'll be able to get into top colleges, or even the worth of getting into such programs assuming that financial aid is hard to come by.
  • jedberg 7y ago
    It sounds like you're a teenager taking some college courses while finishing high school? Or an early admit for college? I did that too. I started taking college courses when I was 11. It really sucked when I blew out the curve in the class and 18/19 year old kids wanted to beat me up for it (I can't entirely blame them, but luckily the prof was cool and threw my grade out of the curve). I ended up only doing college in summers -- I never took the option to go full time in college. Some other kids in my program did. One of them really wanted to get into CalTech, but they denied him, saying he wasn't well rounded enough. So the next year he joined every club on campus and tried to be President of as many as possible. He burned out and had to take a year off from all school. I tell you all of this to tell you that you are not alone, there are other people out there who have been there with you. > I feel like I over-invest in everything I do and it often hurts If that's how you feel, you should cut back. Burning out before you hit your 20s isn't good. If you do one or two less clubs or activities, it won't really make much difference in your life. > first I have a feeling of imposter syndrome when it comes to learning We all do, especially when you're in college at such a young age. But just imagine how all the older kids feel seeing you there. They probably feel like much bigger imposters than you! > I'm worried about being a class in which I have a hard time following the professor or the assignments seem unclear Go to office hours and ask for help. Profs don't look down on you for doing this, they look up to you for being responsible. And if you still can't do it, just drop the class. There is no shame in dropping a class that just isn't for you. > I'm struggling with questions such as whether I'll be able to get into top colleges, You're starting college early, you'll almost certainly get into a top college if you keep your grades up. I had a 3.1 GPA in high school, but simultaneously had a 3.5 in my college classes, which counted as a 4.5 for admissions, so I still got into Berkeley. > or even the worth of getting into such programs assuming that financial aid is hard to come by. Usually top colleges make sure you can attend. Harvard is free if your parents make less than $60K a year, and I think Stanford is too. And I don't think the private companies ever turn down anyone for loans. Getting money for college is easy (too easy), the big question is if you are getting sufficient value for that money. Hang in there buddy, and don't stress so much. Enjoy being a care-free teen without responsibilities while you still can.
• DoreenMichele 7y ago
  Not really. I'm broke, as usual. I'm no longer homeless and no longer literally dying (health issue), but I can't say I'm exactly a happy camper. I have $155 bill due in 3 days that I can't cover. My paycheck this week will be less than that. And then there's living expenses, like groceries. The cupboards are bare, again. I do resume work, but I'm not good at promoting that. (And I blog, but my Patreon is underfunded. Ads are dead and I mostly don't use them.) I have personal barriers to making the business connections I need (health, gender, etc). Same old, same old.
  • bitcoinmoney 7y ago
    Can’t you make a payment plan on the 155$? Good luck and I wish you will overcome any hardship!
    • DoreenMichele 7y ago
      No, not in this case. It's my perpetually maxxed out credit card. I also have a dead fridge I'd love to replace and numerous other things that I've put off because I simply couldn't afford them. I've been poor long enough that I have actual poor people problems. It's a completely different problem space from what most folks on HN are dealing with, or what I dealt with for most of my life. I wasn't always poor. Combination of serious health crisis plus divorce were The Perfect Storm.
  • prawn 7y ago
    Is your resume work (I assume coaching on CVs?) purely online?
    • DoreenMichele 7y ago
      Yeah, it is.
      • prawn 7y ago
        I only asked in case that helps you remove the health/gender bit from your service brand, if those are things you feel limit your ability to make connections. Do you compartmentalise the aspects of your brand to ensure a clear pitch? e.g., the CV stuff is very separate from the San Diego blog or the health discoveries you've made over the years?
• meursault1 7y ago
  Not really. I love to work as software engineer but I'm already feeling negative side effects of the stress related to the profession. Having to seat for 8h a day doing intellectual work doesn't seem to be healthy because often you start to force yourself to remain productive after the first hours (and then comes the frustration). Sometimes I wonder if I should have done something else, with a lower salary but having a healthier life both physically and mentally.
• tthhrrwwaayy 7y ago
  I'm not too bad, but I am worried about my father. He's almost 70 and still runs a stressful business with high liability that has been declining for several years. He went from having several million dollars in the bank to being in six-figure debt. Most of that went up in smoke keeping the business alive, the other part went toward trying to find a way to keep my step-mother from dying. Basically visiting anyone who could give them hope after the doctors gave up. I didn't have the heart at the time to tell them that these places they were going were politely robbing them of money. He wants to sell his business for next to nothing because it's too stressful and instead wants to try picking up programming for his next business idea. I've been supportive because I think he'd actually be good at running a web-based business, but he is really awful with computers and won't accept the fact. I'm going to help him as best I can, but if that doesn't work out things are going to start getting pretty grim.
• cwarrior 7y ago
  I have been dealing with a bad relationship (totally my fault) due to attachment issues (anxious-avoidant) and rOCD as a result of it. Really annoying stuff, pretty much have ended my relationship cause of it.
  • meat_time 7y ago
    OCD gang rise up. OCD sucks man, it's so debilitating. I currently have retroactive jealousy and I feel it slowly destroying my relationship, already affecting my mood and productivity every single day for over a year now. 9 sessions of psychologist so far. I swear my partner and I are just incompatibility, which sucks because before I knew certain information which triggered me, I was the happiest I was ever been. I can't talk to my partner about it because she feels personally attacked. I can't talk to my friends about it because they don't understand, and it's simply "get over it" - I would if I could. It was too good to be true. Good luck with you rOCD sir, I hope you find peace.
• bradlys 7y ago
  I'll add to the list here. No. I see a therapist but it doesn't help. Ultimately I'm burnt out. The startup I'm working at doesn't have good numbers anymore (not like any startup I've been at ever has). I can't get a job at FAANG (I've done their onsites about a dozen times). I live in the most expensive region in the USA. I only receive a salary from a startup and stock is obviously worthless. My SO is committed to a lifestyle of either A) not working or B) having jobs that will never pay more than what she consumes. I'm supporting her through college by paying all of our rent, most of our food (which she requires to all be wildly overpriced), all of every vacation, and so forth. She is getting a degree that has no correlation with a job. She has no plans to get a real job. She is committed to a hedonistic lifestyle where her lover will provide everything for her. It's utterly annoying and immature. But she's smart and I hope she will learn. (And try to care about my suffering a bit to change her ways) The fact that this dynamic will never change is what kills me most. I have no hope. I'm under so much financial pressure to make two to three times what I am making now and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Moving just isn't an option because I'm perpetually unhappy with my jobs (due to a lack of pay). I need a lot of options available so I can keep bouncing before I get fired. Again - I'm burnt out and it fucking sucks. I'm around the 1% of my age (29) and definitely the 1% of where I grew up - but it's not enough to stay sane in this dynamic. Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do. How will I ever escape my fate? Ultimately - I have no idea and it's why I'm so frustrated and burnt out. I have no path out and never will. Mind you - my social life, hobbies, and everything else is practically non-existent. I am miserable every day.
  • rs23296008n1 7y ago
    No way is that a healthy relationship. I would not stay in it based on your description. Sounds like hell. You do have reason to have hope since you are smart enough to plan how to move on from existing work etc. Perhaps explore how to get out of your current hell hole and into a better life?
  • Impossible 7y ago
    You're placing a lot of blame on your SO. Is it possible that she could get a job that carries more financial weight or be convinced to move to a lower COL area? If not is there a reason why you can't or won't leave her?
• lostgame 7y ago
  I appreciate this being brought up. I was sexually assaulted this week and been astounded at the lack of support for women in this situation in Toronto. It’s been one of the toughest weeks of my life. :(
• throwaway002967 7y ago
  My partner died 5 months ago unexpectedly. I'm not okay. I probably will never be okay again. Work is where I can forget I have a personal life for a few hours a day.
• shard972 7y ago
  Nope and nobody here gives a shit either.
• thesagan 7y ago
  Thank you for this post. I'm better than I was a year and a half ago when I was doing full time web development at an agency for large corps. I just burned out one too many times and got sick of development and tech, in general. So, now I'm back in school studying info science and deputy editor of a newspaper. I've made contacts everywhere. Right now we're investigating the slow privatization of my public school and some recent antics by administration to outsource an entire tech department to an outside vendor. It's fascinating stuff. But it's dramatic too, and sad, when people lose their jobs. With all the vitriol out there, the decline of independent journalism and the rise of tech, I sense a lot of spiritual opportunity (and perhaps not monetary) in reporting on these things, even though traditional media is in decline. I'm hoping to find and join other people building next chapters in this area. Most importantly, I needed to get away from code and screens and get in front of people with questions. I love asking questions. Tldr; Money wasn't buying me happiness.
• i-am-ok 7y ago
  TL;DR # Dear quantumwoke, are you ok? Thank you for posting this here. I hope you and your friend are both happy and healthy. You don't have to read this, I started writing and just couldn't stop, feels good to put things in writing. # I am a 25 year old guy from Melbourne, Australia. This is my first time leaving a comment on Hacker News. For the last two years, my home page has been set to /newest because of the wide variety of intellectually stimulating reading material. If this community did not exist, I would have missed many wonderful articles, ideas and opinions because I would not have stumbled across them by accident any other way. Over the last few years I have had a little bit of misfortune and made a number of mistakes. I grew up in a loving and supportive middle-class family home and had no major trauma of any kind during my childhood. My parents are both well-educated professionals and have no history of mental illness. I've had issues with moods, sleep, energy levels and body temperature my entire life; self-diagnosed as probably on the mild end of 'rapid cycling biploar' in primary school with the help of WebMD (lol). During early teens, my parents thought I was just "going through puberty" and my high school consellor thought I might have "some anxiety" but I was good at faking happy, self medicating with weed and the really bad days were so rare that I was largely able to keep things under control. Around three years ago, I randomly got the shit kicked out of me by three guys in broad daylight, just around the corner from my apartment building. I hadn't ever been in a serious fight before and while I was not seriously injured, I was bruised from head to toe and pretty shaken up. I did not realise that this event would mark the beginning of my descent towards rock bottom. About a week after this incident, I decided to go out alone for a quiet drink. It was mid-afternoon, I walked into a dingy pub in the city and bought a pint of beer. I'm sitting alone at the bar for a couple of minutes and I'm not exactly sure why but I decide to put $20 in one of the pokie machines. In retrospect, maybe I was just the right combination of anxious, lonely and restless; I was definitely looking for an escape. I'd never really gambled on anything before but it seemed like a harmless way to kill an hour or two. There were plenty of other people playing, the staff were all smiles and there is a small chance I might even win something, what's $20 right? A few minutes later, I'm tapping away 30 cents at a time and nothing much seems to be happening. I had no idea what a payline was or how the game actually worked beyond knowing that it is impossible to beat the house over time. Suddenly the gold symbols on the bottom of the screen begin the spin, a feature I had not seen before. After plenty of flashing lights and dinging bells, the cartoon character on the screen informed me that I had won a $2138 jackpot. I was in disbelief about how 'lucky' I had been, got the cashier to write me up the cheque and walked straight to the bank to deposit it. A few days later, I had an hour in between appointments so I went back to the pub. I put in $40 and I lost but it didn't concern me. Slowly the frequency of my visits grew; then I started taking $50 notes instead of $20 notes; then I started increasing the size of my bets from 30 cents a spin to $2 a spin. It wasn't long before I was making multiple ATM withdrawals within the space of an hour at the casino; turning my phone off to avoid phone calls from my ex-girlfriend while I played for hours without a break and lying to everyone around me about my financial situation and whereabouts. It took just a few months for me to go from my first big win to losing every dollar, destroying important relationships and being suicidal on a daily basis. It was at this point that I started to seek help and I was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Now that I am better educated and more self-aware, there is no doubt in my mind that I have always been a borderline. Before my addiction, I was probably a 2/10 on the crazy scale; I'd been a little anxious, a bit oversensitive, often somewhat depressed but NEVER psychotic or a danger to anyone. Pokies messed up my brain chemistry to the point where I walked into Police HQ and politely asked them to lock me up; I had plans to kill a government minister and several gambling industry executives and I was genuinely worried that I may act on these thoughts. It's now been almost a year since the last time I entered a venue, I have a roof over my head again, I'm seeing a psychologist on a regular basis and planning to return to study. The experience has changed me forever in ways I could never have foreseen. I'm suspicious of behavioural marketing, social media and video gaming; I see them playing the same dirty tricks as the casino industry to get people hooked. I'm skeptical of our current political and economic systems; party politics and crony capitalism seem totally incompatible with the ethical and environmental demands of the 21st century. I'm fucking terrified of what happens when we combine modern knowledge of human behavioural psychology, the big data surveillance state, exponentially more powerful ML/AI, bioterroism and gene editing, trickle down economic models and personalised deep-fake filter bubbles delivered to your always connected holo-glasses. In conclusion, I'm ok but I'm not so sure about the future of the human species. Please convince me that I'm wrong. Or tell me what campaigns, initiatives and projects you think I should spend my life working on (assuming that I want to leave the world in the best state I possibly can when I die).
• throwinitaway 7y ago
  Throwaway account! I'm Australian. Social media sees quite a few fellow Aussies sharing R U OK day links. Yesterday an acquaintance of mine posted that no-one's asked him if he's OK but well, he's not. Same here. Wife cheated on me a couple of weeks ago and gaslighted me until I had collected evidence at which point she confessed. Everything is now very difficult. R U OK day is just banners and t-shirts.
  • astockwell 7y ago
    That is terrible, hang in there! The silver lining is that you trusted yourself and it led to the truth, which is now exposed. Keep trusting yourself and you will make it through.
• mathgladiator 7y ago
  Not great, overloaded myself with too many responsibilities and am now working to simplify my life. Dealing with the fact that there are only so many areas that one can go really deep in, and I have learn to accept my limits.
• hermitdev 7y ago
  For me, it's hit and miss. Mentally, I'm mostly alright, but under a fair amount of professional and personal stress. The personal stress is mostly due to medical and financial issues (trying to get my wife to live within a budget). Physically, that's where I break down. I'm not quite 40, and I already have a number of chronic medical issues that are largely beyond my control. The worst of it is osteoarthritis in every thoracic and cervical vertebrae coupled with bone spurs and degenerative discs in the same. Short of it means I'm in pain every day. On a good day, I'm sitting at a 4 in the 1 to 10 pain scale. Sleep funny and tweak a back or neck muscle, I can hit an 8 or 9 easily. Pain bad enough it causes me to vomit. Docs dont/won't prescribe pain meds because of the opiode crisis, which is fine, because the pain I have doesnt respond to opposes anyway. But, makes them reluctant to prescribe meds that might help with the nerve pain, such as Lyrica. I also suffer from Cyclical Vomitting Syndrome which means every 3 to 6 months, I start vomitting uncontrollably for no apparent reason. No infection, no flu, no food poisoning, no allergy, I just start vomiting about every hour for days on end if untreated. I have to go to the ER every time it happens. Sometimes I get sent home after a few hours and some IV fluids and antinausea meds, other times like this past week, I get admitted because my blood chemistry is so out of whack it looks like I'm about to have a heart attack, am undergoing kidney failure or it looks like I'm diabetic, or all of the above. I spent 4 days in the hospital last week. That stay caused me to miss other scheduled appointments with specialists and an MRI to check on organs due to a genetic condition. The kicker? I feel great. The docs dont know what causes it, although there's about a 90% correlation with heavy marijuana usage (I've never smoked weed). Iunno, I have a referral to a specialist a few hours drive away. Need to schedule that appointment...
• tiredav 7y ago
  Exhausted. I don't work in IT, but I suspect my job has a lot of parallels. I make my living running live sound for bands and small music venues, while also doing corporate AV for a large AV contractor. Despite what outsiders may think, working in the music industry is murder on your social life. Sure, you get to go to neat concerts and meet awesome artists, but it also means you're working most weekends and many evenings. During the day, there's a good chance you're sleeping. I often don't get home until 3 or 4 in the morning. The lows are low. I'm often so nervous before a show that I almost vomit. The highs are great though, I often go home after a good show in a state of ecstasy. It's amazingly satisfying on the rare occasion when I'm able to enter a flow state while mixing. The corporate side is probably about what you'd expect. The hours are long, the pay is low, and most of the work is boring and/or ethically challenging. While some of the events are interesting, (I had a blast working with the guys from Earth Science Information Partners) I've also worked back to back 4 hour Amway pitches and helped set up mics and projectors for boiler-room style real estate schemes. It's the kind of job where your coworkers are really important. I really enjoy working with my normal team, but one day with a bad team can really undermine my self confidence for days afterwords. There's a lot of really crappy political stuff that I'm trying to navigate. Personal life? I'm financially stable, I have a few friends, no romantic relationships nor prospects. The latter is sad to me, but I'm a tough sell. I really enjoy being alone and highly value my privacy, probably to a fault. My schedule is so variable and full that the very idea of coordinating that with another person makes my brain hurt. My dad died recently, which was rough. At first I was a bit numb to it, and really threw myself into work and keeping busy. Now, I feel like it's all catching up to me. The flood of feelings and nostalgia are beginning to creep over the spillway of my hastily constructed dam. The overwork is beginning to take a toll physically and mentally. I've had to dial back on a lot of the live music stuff. I sympathize with those who want to move to a cabin in the woods. I'd take that life, provided I had a well stocked library and some musical instruments with the means to record them. My fantasy is to just disappear. Quietly and carefully I'd made the arrangements in advance, and then one day I and all my stuff would be on the road to some distant city, without so much as a note. I don't know why that idea appeals to me, but it may come from the same part of the brain that nags you to delete your entire source tree and start from scratch. PS protect your hearing folks. You can get earplugs with a relatively flat frequency response for about $20. PPS no, you can't charge your phone
• gremlinsinc 7y ago
  Not the best... I just got some gigs paying $20-25/hr. A drop from my average of $50 and my recent high of $80. I know I'm a mid to senior level full stack developer but imposter syndrome keeps coming back. I hate interviewing and remote jobs are hard to find. I'm also feeling a lot of burn out but I think that stems from quality and lack of a strong client pipeline. My stack is Laravel/Vue but I find myself bored with that wanting to work more on node or go with hasura as a graphql api, or work on rust or clojure so I can learn to think and code in a different way. Or possibly move to pentesting or devops. I think just joining an exciting startup could be enough to end some of the despair. I really miss working on a team. Freelancing is getting super old. If you need a top notch developer hit me up.. Vue, react, Angular, Laravel, Adonis, Bulma, Bootstrap, Express, Postgres, Mongodb, GraphQL, Rest, Ruby, PHP, Python, Ionic. Framework, Cordova, Quasar Framework. I'd also be willing to do project or product management. Email: patrickwcurl@gmail.com Resume: https://patrickcurl.com/resume https://patrickcurl.com/resume
• omar_a1 7y ago
  I've been unemployed for four months now. And, ironically, have been overworked preparing for the slew of technical interviews I've had these past two weeks (four just this week). If you had asked me this question a few weeks ago, when I had zero job prospects, I would have said no, but being busy again is giving me a newfound sense of purpose. Let's hope at least one of these interviews pans out! Fingers crossed!
  • dwaltrip 7y ago
    Good luck :) I'm sure the preparation has helped!
    • omar_a1 7y ago
      Hey, thanks! =D
• elmersglue 7y ago
  I don’t know who I am and what I want. I’m in my 30s and engaged because my SO couldn’t accept the status quo. I recently dropped out of my PhD after 3 years or floundering to take a job. I worry every day about the decisions I’ve made and I’m afraid of regret. I feel like a mess. I can’t articulate my thoughts but I know I have an aptitude for programming and math, though I constantly second guess my solutions and revise them all the time leading others to doubt me. I don’t believe in anything or anyone. I can shoot ideas down like nobodies business but have no vision myself. Sometimes I wonder if how I view myself matches up at all with how others view me. I fantasize about my own death. I can’t commit. Feeling sorry for myself I guess, but feels good to write it out
• ebmcqueen 7y ago
  No. Honestly, not really. It's an inevitable cliff I would be foolish to think I could avoid, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to use the momentum of destruction as propulsion towards a better trajectory. It's sucks being tired all the time, regardless of how well I do at making other people money. I miss waking up rested. Sorry, had to vent.
• thanpro7979 7y ago
  It's the opposite for me. I recently took up working hard again and I'm finally into it as well. However, the anticipation and excitement is making it hard for me to go to bed and sleep.
• harshavamsi 7y ago
  I guess I'm doing okay but the tremendous pressure of needing to do well in career and added to that FOMO and the feeling of never knowing enough has been extremely daunting. Sometimes I'll make never ending lists of things that I would need to know in order to feel good and "better than the rest". But it does take its toll.
• stevens32 7y ago
  I love this thread, thank you for posting it. It's awesome to see this stuff talked about, even if only online. I wish more work places valued this question. I'm fine, though struggling a bit. I'm taking a long break to scratch project itches but other life priorities have made progress slower than I was expecting. But, I love those other priorities so it's stuck between clouds and a soft place! I understand I was very lucky to be able to take this break. There are a lot of comments in this thread I could identify with. Fingers crossed this becomes a regular Ask HN!
• robot2051 7y ago
  Who else is struggling with backpain problem at early 30? It sucks and if you have any advices, i am all ears! :-/ I am living with herniated disks for 2 years now and my worst nightmare is to have another disk bulging episode that made me bedridden for 2 week. Not only working is difficult as i can't stay in a chair for too long, it is heartbroken to have to tell your kids you cant lift him up cause your back is foobar. :-/ I am trying to alternate between sitting and standing but man, just getting out of bed these days is a struggle :(
  • kevtastrophe 7y ago
    I haven’t had it quite as bad as you, but I’ve struggled for sure. Someone on HN recommended a book called Healing Back Pain[0] - I found it really helpful. Might be worth picking up a copy. [0]https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connection/dp/0446557684 https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connectio...
    • robot2051 7y ago
      Thank you for the book! I will definitely check it out!
• adamhepner 7y ago
  Thanks for asking. I am fine. I've recently changed jobs and now I work from home with occasional travel - and even though it's strenuous, it's much more comfortable. I have flexible hours, fixed pay every month, paid vacations (oh thank gods yes). My kid is gradually getting more social with us (he's almost 3), and spending time with him brings us great joy. We're all healthy, we invest time into our relationship, we do our best to sleep much, exercise, eat well, and it seems to be paying off, which is great, because this time last year we were getting ready to move across border, and soon before the move, we've had a serious health crisis (my wife was hospitalized for 10 day, and got out exactly on the day of the move). What could be better? Well plenty, of course. We could be saving money for our own place faster. But we partially use it to enjoy day to day and treat ourselves. I consider it money well spent, regardless of my wife's guilt feeling. We could be spending even more time together. But this is mostly because my wife is currently learning python programming and software testing in order to get back to job hunt. It was a conscious decisions, and her weekend school ends in a couple of weeks anyway. We could be spending more time with our friends. But we're all busy people, and we try to be understanding that it's difficult to find good timeslots. So, it's all temporary hurdles, not really hardships.
• rikroots 7y ago
  Question: does anyone have any tips on how to recover from burnout at work? I ask because I've taken the steps required to get myself out of an - unpleasant[1], let's say - work environment. I left my last job with a little bit of money in the bank, fully intending to set myself up as a freelance web developer; I did the research and planning work I needed to do before leaving. Everything was set to go - brave new chapter of my life etc. Three months later, I'm still sitting at home trying to find the will to take the first steps. I know what I have to do - network, hustle for contracts, build that killer portfolio site. Interact with the real world. But ... I feel like an old rabbit caught in the headlights, not knowing where to hop. I doubt my skills and abilities. As each day passes I make plans to do stuff, and then I don't do them. As each day passes, I become more convinced that nobody would employ me anyway - so why make the effort? I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my job. I felt, as I approached the fifth anniversary of my employment there, like a bomb primed and ready to detonate. Feeling that rage leach from my body in the weeks before and after my (planned) departure is one of the best feelings I've experienced in a long time. But the drive and determination I was expecting to feel in its place - it just hasn't turned up yet. And my cash reserves are running out. Food doesn't put itself on the table. Any advice on how to rediscover a missing Mojo would be very welcome! [1] Small company with a wonderful business plan which greatly helped me develop my tech and soft skills as I moved into the tech industry. Sadly their business plan didn't work well so they pivoted, and pivoted again, and again, until by the end I was the last software engineer in the office, doing work I actively hated. I came very close to closing my laptop and running for the hills twice, before coming up with a plan to manage my exit in a planned, civilised way. Nobody's fault. Just the way the world evolves.
• dummy 7y ago
  I think it's very important to have a good work life balance. Especially if you work the whole day mentally. I try to do sports regularly. Especially important is the support from family.
• couss 7y ago
  lol
• mikelevins 7y ago
  I'm doing fine. I used to be much richer and healthier than I am now. I was also less happy and contented. I experienced some health disasters and serious accompanying financial losses. I could list afflictions and disadvantageous circumstances, but I'm happier and more content now than I was before all of that. During one of the particularly bad spells I turned to the writings of the classical Stoics, which I was already familiar with in a general way, because I was raised on the classics. I found useful tools there, and I used them to learn how to be happy. Stoicism is less about metaphysics, and more about working out practically how to live a happy and virtuous life--how to be a good and happy person. I assume it won't work for everyone, but it worked pretty well for me, and my grown children report that it has worked for them, as well. I think it's worth mentioning on the off chance that someone else might also find it helpful. If you're curious, you can find a lot of resources just by googling "stoicism". The Wikipedia article is a decent introduction. If you want more specific recommendations, I suggest the _Enchiridion_ of Epictetus and the journals of Marcus Aurelius, usually translated under the title _Meditations_. There's a lot of value in Seneca, too. You'll find that the ancients usually assumed the existence of the gods, but I'm personally an atheist, and nothing in Stoicism requires belief in any deities. If you don't find it as useful as I did, I hope you find something else that works better.
• dreamy_jack 7y ago
  No, I'm not. I'm at the beginning of my career, and so far I have only worked for companies that collapse! For the past three years, I have not had a reliable/steady income. In my current company, we are already being told to begin looking for another place. Last year at a time like this, the former company ran out of money now this! I don't even want to work anymore. Financially stability allows you to focus more on your work.
• saintPirelli 7y ago
  Is there a name for that feeling of not having enough time to learn everything you want to learn? I have that pretty constantly. Other than that I'm doing great.
• compassionnerdy 7y ago
  This is a great start - an annual reminder to care about your fellow humans... and actually express it. I challenge HNers especially to express care and compassion in this way more than 1x/yr. it costs nothing to indicate you care about the other humans you share your oxygen with, no matter how jaded you may be about their beliefs, behaviors, work output, technical expertise, or whatever it is that might normally put a person at the top of your proverbial shit list. At the end of the day, we are all human, and sometimes it’s nice to remind yourself - as well as others - of this fact.
• nonymouse22 7y ago
  Thanks for asking. This was a weird week at work. I've been at this place for a year and a half. I wasn't excited about the work but was in a bad spot financially so took the job. It's nothing like the fancy folks here, only internal help desk in a healthcare org. I've had lots of ups and downs over that time as the nature of the work directly has stressed me out physically and mentally. The amount of calls, the tedium and sameness, the attempts to get management to solve problems and help us be more efficient falling on deaf ears, etc etc. I really broke down over a call and getting into a meaningless argument with a colleague and had to leave. I told my boss I thought I was finished. He said take the day and relax. The next day, we talked, and worked out the issue. He's been very supportive despite some of my behavior and we're working on adjusting my role away from what I'm doing now and towards things that better fit my personality. The other guys are having some fun and jokes about it at my expense (as if a mental breakdown is just a 'fun happy sick day') but I'm doing my best to ignore the jibes. I've been in therapy since February, working on a lot of other issues plus this and my therapist had some interesting insights as well. We both think this is a good change. The biggest thing is trying to find some meaningful things in life to balance out the inevitable stresses of work. It's difficult in the US to find a good therapist, either because of shady insurance companies or, now that things are somewhat less stigmatized, great demand, but I highly recommend it. Your friends may be great but there's nothing like an objective perspective with years of training. Ask for sliding scale if you need some financial help. Also, I learned through this process, it's entirely possible to have mild or moderate depression and not really know it until those down times really hit hard. I used to think "oh, it's just melancholy", etc. A small pill every day and therapy have made what could've been a difficult past two months much more bearable. Anyway, that's my story for this week. Hope everyone out there is OK and has a great weekend.
• gindoji 7y ago
  Good question
• DreamScatter 7y ago
  I am a math research programmer with an advanced mathematical, programming, and engineering background, but I don't have a career or degree and I am not a student either. The universities at this point are pure social judgement garbage and the professors are more concerned with administrative bloat than with science. If I can manage to get a career in this idiocracy then I may be okay in the long run.. but I am on my own with that since the universities are unreliable and useless.. I have no plans of going back to university and will continue my research in pure mathematics, engineering, and computer science independently until I get a career. For now, I am okay and happy with having the freedom to study my own way, but obviously I am not guaranteed a career.
• needtokilmyself 7y ago
  i'm not ok too. been 3 months I can't sleep well. Only few hours.. had been thinking ways to die.. easiest way, fastest way.. painless ways.. 3 months ago i was out of a relationship that hits me so hard..she was the love of my life.. i was ready for everything. i lost everything.. i'm not ok..
• timka 7y ago
  No and yes. Recently an HR person contacted me offering a position. She said she'd appreciate any feedback. I replied honestly that I'm 38, has been doing automation for 20 yrs, moved to another city and experience an existential crisis, suffering from loneliness and alcohol and drug abuse. I also added that IT industry is a terrible thing as well as capitalism in general. She never replied. On the other hand, she helped me to spell out what my problem actually was and I realized that I was just trying to escape the relationship with the woman I truly love because of some stereotypes. And thus I decided to go back to where I came from. Am I ok? Still not. That'll be a challenge but that's definitely better than before.