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Pretty frightening, really. These kinds of experience have absolutely though subtly changed how I interact with people. Particularly, as a man, with women and c

• wffurr 1y ago
  That is a real shame. I have had almost exclusively positive interactions with the other parents and kids at the playground. Maybe a different culture where you are.
  • nkrisc 1y ago
    Honestly it’s rare, it’s not normal. But it’s also so scary I just won’t risk it, however small the risk. You can’t tell which strangers are crazy. My wife, on the other hand, is the parent who will go over and play with all the children while the parents are on their phones. But she’s a woman, so it’s different.
    • sho_hn 1y ago
      I'm honestly not sure I understand what you are afraid of. What accusation could she possibly make in the context of a playground setting that has such dire consequences, especially if you're with your own children? Who would act on it?
      • ryandrake 1y ago
        I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a huge "pedophile panic" going around these days--much worse than the "satanic panic" back in the 80s and the "video game panics" in the 90s. I don't think anyone wants to be the next viral video star with a caption like "Found a pedo at the park--put him on blast!"
        • sho_hn 1y ago
          Nope, I hadn't, maybe it's not made it to my neck of the woods (world; I'm not in the US) yet. Is this extremely recently and mediated by the whole Trump-Epstein of it all?
          • Izkata 1y ago
            I think it's been almost a decade since it started ramping up. Hard to say when its peak was exactly, but I think it's been finally started dropping off a bit in the past year. It's going to take a long time before the fear goes away though.
      • nkrisc 1y ago
        Just look at the article linked in this submission. Even just a false, unsubstantiated accusation can be devastating.
        • sho_hn 1y ago
          I don't think these are comparable. The accusations in this case are about systematically sleazy behavior and hint at not-so-consensual sex, which isn't exactly the same as "this guy bothered my kid somehow for a minute". Also, to be clear, the accusations the article is about are false and unsubstantiated according to the author. It's a "he said, she said". He's managed to agree with a small number of signatories of the Open Letter that they acted on no evidence (in a jurisdiction where the burden of proof for libel is on the defense, so if they had decided not to agree they'd have had to prove this wrong), but not e.g. the original accusors. The fact that he wrote an epic blog post without being clear on this doesn't really make him look great, though I acknowledge he wanted to focus on a different aspect. The court case (ending in a consent order, not a judgement) is an interesting story about "as a UK citizen, should you be signing an Open Letter if you merely believe accusers, but don't know them to be right, and can demonstrate how you know", but it has little to do with the accusations themselves.
  • Aurornis 1y ago
    > I have had almost exclusively positive interactions with the other parents and kids at the playground. These stories were all over Reddit for years. I remember a thread asking for examples of things Reddit led them to believe that weren’t true, and the top voted comment was that Reddit made them think that going to the playground as a lone dad would cause women to view them as a predator. In reality, going to the playground as a dad in most places is a non-event. It’s common for dads to be there alone with their kids. When I go, it’s a mix of moms and dads and we all talk and interact. Yet to a non-parent reading Reddit it seemed like going to the park as a dad was asking for trouble. The story was repeated so often. I’m sure these events do happen some times. When it does, I wouldn’t be surprised if the accuser was reading their own Reddit equivalent social media website where stories about men being creeps at the playground get passed around as fact. To them, it’s just how they see the world working because they’ve heard it repeated so often.
    • deleted 1y ago
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    • true_religion 1y ago
      What if people who have children approach them differently from those without, and it's noticeable? Before my male friends had kids, they were tense and apprehensive around toddlers. They worried they would hurt them, etc. Now, they act like Dads, even with kids who have nothing to do with them. These guys weren't bad people to begin with. They just didn't radiate "dad energy" for lack of a better phrase.
      • smoody07 1y ago
        This. I watched my friends become Dads and change a bit, but I couldn't quite put it to words. I would feel scared to hold any baby. Then son is born, I'm trying everything to help him burp, and I'm learning the tonal language of his cries. Every taxi driver is a possible Dad I can relate to, and every kid is a glimpse into the future.
    • ryandrake 1y ago
      I don't think we can chalk these up to "it's just Reddit, amiright?" I have a daughter, and I've personally had a non-zero number of negative interactions with justice-moms on the playground / at kid events. Are those interactions extremely rare? Yes. Did it freak me out a little? Yes. Are these kinds of anecdotes amplified on Reddit? Yes. A dad needs to keep in mind that he's likely to encounter it at least once in a while, while also not avoiding all life on the off chance the it happens.
  • kylebenzle 1y ago
    The problem is that if anyone at any time feels like they're just annoyed with you or don't want you around anymore they can make an accusation, completely unfounded, that will destroy your life. The problem is is that a lot of guys walking around that haven't had it happen to them assume it hasn't happened to them because they've been doing everything right when really you've just been lucky so far.
    • SpicyLemonZest 1y ago
      Look, I hope the original author doesn't see this, I don't want to kick people when they're down. But the vast, vast majority of these controversies involve admitted sexual activity which a stereotypical stodgy dad would identify as inappropriate, and I would encourage any men who worry about being cancelled to consider whether he might have a point. While there's no guarantees in life, it's extremely unlikely that a story like this could happen to me, because I don't sleep with people when the propriety of doing so is even remotely in question.
      • kylebenzle 1y ago
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  • jibolash 1y ago
    The problem here is the asymmetric nature of outcomes. The vast majority of these types of interactions will be positive, but it only takes 1 to ruin someone's life or reputation, that forces over-correction in behavior
• usui 1y ago
  Wow, sounds like that person's brain has fried itself if it jumps to conclusions like that. Which region or general area do you live? What has happened to common sense in the community?
  • nkrisc 1y ago
    It’s just anti-social people being anti-social, but now they have the internet to use against you. Suburban East Coast US.
• matheusmoreira 1y ago
  It's not just you. Men in general are realizing the risks and are changing their behavior and environment in order to protect themselves from accusations. Everything from ensuring witnesses are always present to simply not interacting at all.
  • deleted 1y ago
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  • sho_hn 1y ago
    To be fair, victim-blaming has always been a risk women have had to contend with, the novelty is mostly that perhaps men are now exposed to it as well.
    • deleted 1y ago
      [deleted]
• anal_reactor 1y ago
  I grew up in a small village. Such towns place social cohesion above all. As a child I thought that as long as I am right, I'd be able to reason my way out of everything. But I learned that in a crowd shit can go from 0 to 11 very fast, which is why I have a deep fear of people, and especially crowds. When you're there with one person you might have a slim chance of reasoning with them, but crowds behave unpredictably, emotionally, and violently. They almost always follow the most charismatic leader, not the most logical one. The older I get, the more I hate people and the more disgusted I am with them. I understand why so many old people are bitter cunts. I want to make it until retirement and then move far away from everyone else, just me and my internet connection. I want to gain financial independence so that I don't need to rely on people's petty games to make a living. I still try to find those few people around me who aren't garbage, but it's a tough job.
  • dttze 1y ago
    If you think everyone around you is garbage, you might want to reflect on yourself.
    • anal_reactor 1y ago
      I did. I genuinely did. After a few years of thinking I'm at fault, I realized that's not the case.
  • RigelKentaurus 1y ago
    While my fear of crowds may not be as strong as yours, I see your point of view. In most situations, it doesn't take a lot for a crowd to become a mob.
• kylebenzle 1y ago
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• dumbledoren 1y ago
  [flagged]
  • benterix 1y ago
    No, this is not just American problem. I live in Europe and being a male I make sure I don't talk to any children or minors (I mean I don't talk first, if someone asks me for the time I can answer quickly and go away even quicker). Any kind of physical contact like helping to stand up is a great taboo.
    • squigz 1y ago
      Yikes. I'm a 30 year old male and I've never once thought like this.
  • nkrisc 1y ago
    To be clear, “hurt” in this case meant maybe she scraped her knee or just tripped or wasn’t hurt and just scared from falling. If she was bleeding profusely or screaming in pain I (and I’m sure many other people) would have run over to help immediately. She was not seriously injured nor in any immediate danger. Most likely she just needed comfort that her caregiver was not providing.
  • dang 1y ago
    Please don't post nationalistic flamebait to HN. It leads to nationalistic flamewars, which we definitely don't need here. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
    • vardump 1y ago
      @dang: I don't see any nationalistic flamebait here. Just somewhat argumentative speak.
      • dang 1y ago
        Maybe it'll help to break that one down: > An American problem created in the US Comment already starts off pointing flameward, but ok, it could go either way. > In almost any other country, A grand and shallow generalization, consistent with flamebait, but ok, still not dispositive. > The incessant fads and hysteria This swerve into pejorative language, given the frame already set, is definitely starting to look like nationalistic flamebait. > a society that is totally dysfunctional Ok, now there's no question about it. Comments like this, which combine denunciatory rhetoric with a very low information/indignation ratio, are not what Hacker News is for. This was not a borderline call! https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
• jjtheblunt 1y ago
  > It was actually kind of a scary because later that day I realized how in that moment that woman, who my dad had never met before, could probably have destroyed his life right then and there if she wanted to. I know what you mean, but he could also have said "fuck off, lady; that's a kid crying, so grow up" and thereby have made clear he was worried about the kid, not some creeper who she hoped to have just told off.
  • unsupp0rted 1y ago
    She has vastly more power than he has. With one sentence she could have him arrested or at least temporarily detained for nothing. Just one comment thread up there's a person rushing to believe her and distrust the dad: > "And don't get me wrong, I'm strongly inclined to believe women and I generally distrust men." ^ from the other comment thread above this one
    • majormajor 1y ago
      Let's be specific about the supposed power in this situation. If he called the cops and said "hey there's a crying kid and I can't find the parents" what power does she have over him there? If she called the cops and said "I saw a man bothering this girl" what's going to happen in practice for the supposed crime of "talking to a kid who was crying at a playground"? Any asshole can make any false accusation against anyone at any time, here there's not even the slightest evidence of any harm, how seriously would it be taken? Cops drive out, see no man bothering anyone, drive off? If she posted a video online of "man talking non-aggressively/non-threateningly to girl, then walking around talking to other adults" how much outrage is that going to generate? The videos that generate huge amounts of outrage and get re-shared have disturbing contents, not just headlines. I see so many online accounts of these "must walk on eggshells" worldview stories. Smells like an echo chamber, especially because when people self-report to things like "I avoid encounters with women because of this" then I'm not sure how much credence to put into the psychology of womens' behavior from someone with self-professed much-more-limited-interaction-with-them than I have.
      • 1y ago
• firefax 1y ago
  The correct response is to stand your ground and say "No, I'm trying to connect a hurt child with their parents. Are you their parent? If not, we'll cut this favor short and just call child services". Then do it. Call 911, say there's an injured, unattended child at the playground, and you're getting a hostile response from folks as you try to locate the guardian so you'd appreciate it if a social worker collected the kid until the parents can be found. There is nothing illegal about speaking to a child, and when you soft play people like this you empower them. Let them have to show a cop a DL to get their kid out a squad car to learn their lesson if they can't handle polite help. (Also, what is this narrative around HN about being accused of nefariousness at playgrounds? I used to eat my lunch at one near me because it was the only park with a trash can nearby and I didn't want to lug my trash back to my apartment before going on my way towards the city -- nobody ever said a word to me aside from asking for a ball if it rolled over.)
  • true_religion 1y ago
    I agree with this statement. While it's not 'your job' to save the child, if you've already started along the path, you might as well see it through to the end. If you never found the child's parents, you'd have to call CPS. Being prevented from finding the child's parents, just necessitates you move that step forward. Of course, it's not 'your job' so technically you could abandon the child at any point but it does feel a bit heartless to give a kid hope, then say 'meh you're on your own, this is too troublesome'. As for just leaving the child with others who are complaining, I doubt that's a good idea. They were making no move to help, and bystander effect will probably keep them from ever doing a thing.
    • dingnuts 1y ago
      This response may be practical but it's sad and indicative of the problem at hand. Society is so distrusting and litigative that the sensible way to help a child is to call the cops?? those ACAB guys that kill dogs? I'm not even saying you're wrong necessarily, but the whole situation is fucking cooked. How do we learn to trust each other again?
• HSO 1y ago
  It´s already a long time ago, I was on my way home when I saw a young boy crying. Turns out he got disconnected from his parents on public transport and totally lost where he was in some other part of town. When I tried to calm him down, I was making sure to stand several meters apart. We called his mother on my phone and I actually brought him to the station where she would pick him up. The whole time, I was keeping several meters distance and making sure to speak extra loud and formally, to make clear what I was doing with a crying child from a different ethnicity obv not mine. This was in a semi-civilized country in europe, not the "US". And still I was worried it would "look wrong". Weird times.
• miek 1y ago
  I experienced a similar situation and decided from then on to get a second adult involved before assisting a stranger's kid. In my situation, a girl was stuck at the top of the highest climbing fixture I've ever seen at a public playground. She was crying for a couple minutes without aid, so I walked over to tell her that I'd try to find her parent. The mother sprinted over and yelled to leave her daughter alone, then left the playground w/ her daughter.