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A marriage proposal spoken in office jargon
- nottorp 2y agoIn my former communist dictatorship country, we had a term for how the party officials spoke. "Wooden language". Applies very much to this too.
- bitwize 2y agoWow, really impactful share! I feel like I got some great take-aways and learnings from this.
- grotorea 2y agoLost opportunity to say "Would you accept a merger?" instead of marriage.
- ashton314 2y agoSee also "Mission Statement" by Weird Al: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyV_UG60dD4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyV_UG60dD4
- DesiLurker 2y agohere is a more direct proposal to contrast: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3GlKd5DOJLE https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3GlKd5DOJLE
- xxs 2y agoThat's proper corporate speak, not so much office jargon. One note: to table in the UK means to put it to vote/address, rather than "put it under the rug"
- AdmiralAsshat 2y agoSee: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contronym https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contronym
- thomassmith65 2y agoI noticed 'low hanging fruit' here is used differently than I'm used to. Where I've worked it always meant 'a task that is easy to get done'
- kelnos 2y agoNot just easy to get done, but has a positive impact greater than you'd expect based on how easy it is to get done.
- erinaceousjones 2y agoHuh, I'm in the UK and certainly every time one of my workmates has said "to table" something it's meant "let's stop fucking talking about this now"
- WorldMaker 2y agoIn Robert's Rules (of Parliament Procedure), which are kind of the "base level" in US corporate politics, "to table" means to "send [back] to committee" in part coming from the idea of physically collecting all the debate notes so far and setting them aside on a table for the committee to collect to take to their next meeting in order to (try to) address concerns. In Robert's Rules to address something is to "motion" it, with "call to vote" being a common sub-type of a motion to make. (Generally addressed to "the chair" of the meeting, or asking for wider debate from "the floor", so sometimes something might be "chaired" or "floored" to imply a vote/address, but usually "motion".) The default vote in Robert's Rules is a show of hands or a verbal "aye"/"nay"/"abstain". It takes extra work to motion for a paper or ballot vote. I'm curious if the UK jargon for "table" is as much a difference/switch in that default among UK parliamentary procedure? More paper votes would involve more tables, if that were the case, so that would maybe explain things.
- bravetraveler 2y agoTake this offline, you two
- jbs789 2y agoAfter we double click
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- rowenaluk 2y agohahahaha. so good. so terrible.
- jckahn 2y agoIf you don’t get the joke, you may be a product manager
- TonyTrapp 2y agoSee also: A PowerPoint Proposal by Don McMillan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGiePuNFXwY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGiePuNFXwY
- grumpwagon 2y agoAnother classic in this genre: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/a-deep-dive-to-remember-a-love-story-between-business-managers-written-by-a-business-manager https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/a-deep-dive-to-...
- ziddoap 2y agoHadn't seen this one before, it's great. >As 6:30 P.M. rolled around, she felt sick in the pit of her stomach, like when she looked at a sentence that didn’t contain an acronym.
- setgree 2y agoin a slightly different vein: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-work-from-home https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/i-work-from-hom... > OPERATOR: O.K., Robert, you understand that what you just described isn’t really lunch, right? > ROBERT: It is lunch. When there are no rules, it is lunch, Cherise! > OPERATOR: Did you at any point dip the green peppers in the peach yogurt? > ROBERT: Probably. Sorry.
- Dilettante_ 2y ago>dip the green peppers in the peach yogurt Reminds me of that Bloodhound Gang song
- epiccoleman 2y agoWoof, this one hit a little too close to home
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- yashap 2y agoThis is great :) Also if anyone else is hitting New Yorker paywalls and can't read this, just disable JavaScript and reload.
- 2y ago
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- delegate 2y agoStart with the 'Wedding' epic in Jira. Add a few spikes to figure out the details and bring those into the current sprint.
- ramon156 2y agoGet a slack channel you two
- nine_k 2y agoYou mean, they did not book that conference room?
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- lastofthemojito 2y agoI have a long-time friend who, after years in fintech, now sometimes speaks this way unironically in non-work situations. I mean, I still think he's a good guy overall but when he recommends the DND party splits up to maximize ROI on a spell rather than just say "let's split up", it does make me cringe.
- macinjosh 2y agoeveryone knows you must maximize spellholder value
- kfarr 2y agoIt’s your magiciary duty
- eismcc 2y agoI’m ded
- lastofthemojito 2y agoThe swarm takes 5 rightsizing damage.
- leeter 2y agoThis makes me want to have someone make a "Consultomancer" as a class just to read the spell descriptions.
- WorldMaker 2y agoThere's a whole TTRPG called "Murders & Acquisitions" as a possible option to scratch that itch.
- robertlagrant 2y agoHah fantastic. I need to use this somewhere.
- mrandish 2y agoI recently retired early from a large, F100 valley tech company and there are a few things I miss. But this is definitely something I will never miss!
- throw7 2y agoI imagined Gary as Ira Glass and Cindy as Jen Psaki. I could make it only about halfway before I threw up a little.
- ChrisMarshallNY 2y agoHere's a classic: https://professionalsuperhero.com https://professionalsuperhero.com
- remoquete 2y agoIt reads like a script from Succession.
- storf45 2y agoSounds like a pair of Corporate SEALs! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUtL6IS7wcY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUtL6IS7wcY
- throw4847285 2y agoReminds me of a George Saunders story, though it's missing the horror element.
- mbowcut2 2y agooh, I think the horror element is there.
- throw4847285 2y agoReally? Nobody is getting kicked to death.
- EGreg 2y agoI thought they were going to show this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-yGUSRdNG4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-yGUSRdNG4
- dredmorbius 2y agoThat's what first came to mind as well. For those not familiar / context, NewsRadio, Negotiation, S2E8 1995: <https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0660208/quotes/ https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0660208/quotes/> <https://breezewiki.pussthecat.org/newsradio/wiki/Negotiation https://breezewiki.pussthecat.org/newsradio/wiki/Negotiation>
- carimura 2y agoSolid but could have double-clicked on Excel and Powerpoint more to complete the roadmap.
- uptownhr 2y agoGARY: Hey Cindy, remember last week when we were debugging that system design issue? CINDY: Yeah, we got some pretty elegant solutions out of that sprint. GARY: Exactly. That got me thinking: our relationship feels like a system that’s not just functional—it’s optimized. CINDY: Oh? I’d like to hear your use case for that. GARY: Well, I’ve run some simulations, and the output is consistent. You’re my primary key, Cindy. The stability and scalability of our relationship are off the charts. CINDY: That’s a strong endorsement, Gary. I’ve been analyzing our feedback loops, and I feel the same way. You’ve really reduced my latency and maximized my throughput. GARY: So I figured it’s time to push to production. In addition to all the features we’ve developed, I’d like to add one more. (He takes a knee and pulls out a ring.) Cindy, will you marry me? CINDY: I will, Gary! This takes our architecture to the next level. GARY: Marriage is a big commit, but I think we’ve got the bandwidth to make it work. CINDY: Absolutely. But we need to stay agile, especially during our onboarding phase. GARY: Agreed. I’ll make sure to stay in sync during our sprints. CINDY: Good. Because I have one non-negotiable: we need to maintain a clean codebase. GARY: Let’s unpack that. CINDY: My last relationship had too many tech debts. Every time I tried to refactor, there was pushback. It was impossible to iterate. GARY: Sounds like a monolithic mess. CINDY: It was. But with you, it’s different. You’re modular, efficient, and your logic is rock-solid. I just want to make sure we keep things lightweight and maintainable. GARY: I couldn’t agree more. We’ll keep our dependencies up-to-date and document everything thoroughly. CINDY: Perfect. Let’s set up a shared repository to start planning our roadmap. GARY: Done. I’ll draft an RFC tonight so we can align on our deliverables. CINDY: Great. Just flag me if you hit any blockers. GARY: Will do. And Cindy? Thank you for being my forever stack overflow. CINDY: And thank you for being the solution to all my edge cases.
- frereubu 2y agoC'mon, don't just paste the content into the comments. The site doesn't have a paywall and from what I can see with a fresh browser window without ad blocker turned on there's no adverts aside from a request for subscriptions / becoming a patron.
- las_balas_tres 2y ago
- stuff4ben 2y agoI have queries and doubts on the proposed union. See attached ticket. Please do the needful.
- reaperducer 2y agoTicket includes one (1) proposal of conjugal union. Action this.
- koolba 2y agoYou joke, but I know an actual couple that has a “family” Jira instance. They have tickets for household todo items like “Paint fence”. I’m not sure about performance reporting but I think overall velocity has gone down despite their team size growing in recent years. I think the new members aren’t contributing much yet in the way of story points.
- i_love_retros 2y agoDoes that couple also work at the same company as product managers?
- hokumguru 2y agoI find in this situation that new member onboarding can unfortunately take years
- ElevenLathe 2y agoI worked with a sysadmin that did this for his kids, and even moved chore assignments around automatically based on grades (which he scraped from some school portal). Get a D and you'll have to do your sister's chores!
- lelandbatey 2y agoMy wife and I use Trello for stuff like this. Though the main use case is as the world's most reliable checklist-syncing program for grocery shopping. The task tracking is also nice
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- kmoser 2y agoBrilliant! But two phrases I was hoping to see weren't there: "reach out" and "embrace."
- Applejinx 2y agoThat would be subsequent to presenting a clearer ROI case across foreseeable quarters
- jbl0ndie 2y agoThis is ripe for a Krazam adaptation. https://youtu.be/1RAMRukKqQg?si=CrRUbA3Ktsm5v7Kk https://youtu.be/1RAMRukKqQg?si=CrRUbA3Ktsm5v7Kk
- the_af 2y agoThis is one of those Krazam clips I simply must watch again every time someone links to it. Another is the one about Omega Star (whose team still haven't got their shit together and implemented ISO dates like they said they would!).
- the_af 2y agoIt's funny, but it sounds more like corporate/management speak than office jargon. Employees, when no managers are present, seldom talk to each other like this. Sometimes, the way we actually speak to each other, would get us fired if someone from management was eavesdropping.
- bitwize 2y agoI worked at a place where line employees talked like this to each other all the time. It was maddening. In particular, whenever the word "use" might be used, everybody at this company used the word "leverage" instead. They leveraged a piece of toilet paper to wipe their ass with. Madness! I felt like I was from space, like, am I the only one who sees how silly this is? But again, this sort of jargon serves a social signalling function. It's metacommunication, not first-order communication. It's intended to suggest "I'm a true and honest member of the business class and should be taken seriously in business affairs."
- anal_reactor 2y ago> It's intended to suggest "I'm a true and honest member of the business class and should be taken seriously in business affairs." > true and honest I agree wholeheartedly.
- bilalq 2y agoI'd like to think I minimize the bleedover of corporate/profession-related speech into my daily life, but "orthogonal" and "non-trivial" were just not a standard part of my vocabulary before college. Over a decade later, I find myself saying them a lot.
- JadeNB 2y ago> I'd like to think I minimize the bleedover of corporate/profession-related speech into my daily life, but "orthogonal" and "non-trivial" were just not a standard part of my vocabulary before college. Over a decade later, I find myself saying them a lot. As a mathematician, both of those terms are common in my technical and, therefore, everyday speech. If it helps, feel free to think of yourself, not as using corporate speech, but as using technical mathematical terms.
- quietbritishjim 2y agoThat sounds more like maths jargon that has bled into office speak (to my delight, but I'm a mathematician).
- cafeinux 2y agoThose are words I use a lot and I was starting to wonder if I the office jargon was bleeding too much on my personal life. Then I read your comment and realised I started using them after attending a math course at the University. I loved my teacher. Thanks for the memories.
- pempem 2y agoWays to say: 1. "that's not what we're talking about" and 2. "this is fucking important you idiot" are always valuable :D
- treetalker 2y agoThe use of "orthogonal" is now common in SCOTUS oral arguments, both from the practitioners and the justices. Not infrequent in the intermediate appellate courts either. I do an imaginary eye roll whenever I hear it in those contexts.
- sporkland 2y agoAdjacent News Radio Marriage Proposal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-yGUSRdNG4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-yGUSRdNG4
- shagie 2y agoI was reminded of that when reading, went to look it up on Youtube, clicked share, came back here to see if anyone had left a comment... "search news radio" yep... glance at the query... 'v=y-y...' Yep. I highly recommend this clip.
- VincentEvans 2y agoSolves, asks, learnings. It was a surprise when I discovered just how much negativity and frustration wells up in me when I see verbs turn into nouns when there are already perfectly serviceable nouns available. I am motivated to passive aggressively retaliate by turning even more verbs into unnecessary nouns: seeings, helpings, deliverings, discussings, respondings.
- shagie 2y agoCalvin and Hobbes - January 25, 1993 https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1993/01/25 https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1993/01/25 Calvin: I like to verb words. Hobbes: What? Calvin: I like to verb words I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember When "Access" was a thing? Now it's something you do. It got verbed. Calvin: Verbing weirds language. Hobbes: Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
- patrickmay 2y agoI threw up in my mouth a little.
- tibbon 2y ago"I had a visceral reaction that was less than favorable"
- davidw 2y ago[ Runs off screaming into the woods ]
- jader201 2y agoI think I could be alone, but one of my biggest office-speak pet peeves is using verbs as nouns. Like “ask” (I hear this one all the time), “(value) add”, and “solve” (used in this article - I cringed). I see this a lot on HN too, so again, many others here will obviously not agree. But I’ll intentionally use “request” or “question” over “ask” just in protest. I know the English language has been using some verbs as nouns for millennia, but there are particular ones (like the ones above) that I mostly hear at the office (or outside the office, but spoken by “office folk”), and it’s definitely an annoy. EDIT: Turns out I'm not alone. Thanks for the validate.
- alterom 2y ago>and it’s definitely an annoy. You didn't have to do it to drive the point home, but boy did this do the job.
- el_pollo_diablo 2y ago> boy And nouns as interjections.
- bryanrasmussen 2y agoI think of the interjection "boy" as being some 1930s-1950s movie speak for earnest young people expressing surprise or excitement about something, not office related at all.
- moi2388 2y agoWhenever you are about to say “boy”, say “sport” for immediate value add
- alterom 2y ago>And nouns as interjections. Nouns? "Boy" as an interjection, used for emphasis, has been used for over a century. From Oxford English Dictionary[1]: >boy: interjection (colloquial, originally U.S.). 1894– >Expressing shock, surprise, excitement, appreciation, etc. Frequently used to give emphasis to the following statement. You also say it as if it were unusual for interjection to be nouns. Spoiler alert, that's not the case. God is an obvious example (God is it tiring to see falsehoods online); so is surprise!, and many others. All of that has nothing to do with office jargon. [1] https://www.oed.com/dictionary/boy_n1#15546734 https://www.oed.com/dictionary/boy_n1#15546734
- sarchertech 2y agoCongratulations! I hate it. You did forget to include my person pet peeve—learnings. We already have a word for that—lessons.
- madmountaingoat 2y agoThere has only been one company I've worked for where 'learnings' was used extensively. It was Swedish. Not sure if that is relevant.
- criddell 2y agoMine is performant. People sometimes use it as a synonym for high performance when really it just means working about as well as you would expect it to. It doesn't imply anything especially great.
- kelnos 2y agoThis is one of the very few that I'm a little -- a little! -- sympathetic toward. I don't know its origins, but to me, "lessons" can sound kind of harsh, like in the sense of a parent wagging their finger at a child, "I hope you've learned your lesson!" In contrast, "learnings" sounds quite a lot more friendly and less charged.
- pastaguy1 2y agoIs "solves" used like that in the wild? Haven't heard that one.
- hyperhello 2y agoI give them twelve quarters...
- robertlagrant 2y ago> we can action on our solve This causes me physical pain.
- guftagu 2y agoWhen I proposed to my wife, I met her after a couple of years and didn't know at the time if she was seeing someone. I nudged the conversation towards that topic and once I found out that she isn't, I literally proposed to her in office jargon. I said, "So if the vacancy is still available, can I apply?". She said yes, and we got married eventually but she still isn't too happy about that proposal line.
- jdthedisciple 2y agoI was about to say I was suprised she ended up as your wife after that. To be frank: That is among worst possible lines you could've come up with, but glad it still worked out for you XD
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- cafeinux 2y agoSo, if I get it right... You didn't meet that woman for years. You meet her, subtly ask if she's alone, then propose? That was bold of you, but even bolder from her to accept.
- saghm 2y agoYeah, I'm confused by this to. Did they not even date first, or was this how they asked her out?
- kelnos 2y agoI think they meant that they'd dated in the past, but hadn't seen each other in many years. Still bold.
- ricardobeat 2y agoSafe to assume this is Indian or muslim culture where it’s customary to set up a marriage between acquaintances, no dating as we know it.
- 2y ago
- elijahbenizzy 2y agoNot believable, didn't read "double click"
- ratherbefuddled 2y agoIf I had to listen to this sort of shit on a daily basis I think I'd begin to understand why you all over the water are upset about the prospect of people taking away your big shooty guns.
- drewcoo 2y ago> why you all over the water are upset about the prospect of people taking away your big shooty guns All over the water? Ducks. It's the ducks. Ducks are the enemy. Unless we defend ourselves, the ducks will sap us of our natural vital fluids!
- wkjagt 2y agoI haven't worked in an office in over three years. I sometimes think I miss it but now I no longer don't.
- drewcoo 2y agoIn the middle ages, all of Europe could hide behind Latin . . .
- uyghurFights 2y ago[dead]
- dennis_jeeves2 2y agoWe need a similar one for divorce.
- sam_goody 2y ago> But I’m so sorry, I have a three-thirty. I assume that means that she doesn't accept the proposal (lit. she has a meeting at 3:30), but don't quite follow how that. Can someone reach out and break that down for me.
- anal_reactor 2y agoI have no clue either, but I'm feeling this is the point
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- kazinator 2y agoJumps off the creativity shark at "will you marry me". Should be "shall we convince the board of directors of your parent corporation to underwrite a merger deal whereby we unite your corporate assets with mine under a single shelter? As a modern organization, you may continue to operate under the same branding, if you choose, and the value of your stock shall not be diluted.
- kazinator 2y agoAnd the cost savings and tax benefits cannot be underestimated.
- ozzy6009 2y agorelevant krazam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RAMRukKqQg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RAMRukKqQg
- jfactorial 2y agoThey're perfect for each other.
- malingo 2y agoNo "level set"?? Booo
- TwoNineFive 2y agoI am severely disappointed there is no a single "quick question", though there was a "quick win", which is bad but not as offensively bad.
- M95D 2y agoNothing about any sales, targets, deadlines, etc.? Not even an Excel or ppt reference? I'm dissapointed!
- sjducb 2y agoI think our organisation needs to increase headcount.
- ravish0007 2y agoMy girlfriend did the same to me. Still haven't circled back till this day.
- feralKitten 2y agoValuable insight!
- feralKitten 2y agovaluable insight!
- stuaxo 2y agoI feel sick, good work - even if I couldn't get to the end.
- msarrel 2y agoPretty sure discussions like this really take place
- eskatonic 2y agoThat was physically painful to read. Brilliant.