20 ms·

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators ar

• ratsimihah 7y ago
  Try yoga at a small studio, communities are often great :>
  • mythrwy 7y ago
    That's not everyone's "fit in" group though. It's like saying attend local evangelical church. The people you meet will be potential friends for some types of people. For other types, not so much.
    • Erik816 7y ago
      Good point. Although maybe a good percentage of people can imagine finding a social group at one or the other, noting that not all churches are evangelical in either theology or culture. Meaningful shared group experiences are important.
      • magduf 7y ago
        Virtually all churches have some sort of theology that they preach, and if you think it's a bunch of BS, it's not going to go well for you there. You can keep your mouth shut about it, but eventually the fact that you're living a lie will get to you.
    • ratsimihah 7y ago
      But yoga is not a religion, although I get your point. I used the yoga example because people there generally seek self-improvement and cultivate a good vibe, which helps in engaging social interactions
  • astura 7y ago
    My anecdote: I went to yoga the same night at the same small studio for years. Mostly the same people showed up every week but I didn't find it to be an atmosphere good for socialization at all. I don't know at what point in a yoga class you'd have time for conversation.
    • duderific 7y ago
      Maybe afterwards when people are gathering up their stuff and heading out. There is always something to talk about, i.e. how you liked the class, was it hard or easy, etc.
      • fencepost 7y ago
        This may vary a lot depending on ages, genders and past class experiences. If you're male and the class is largely not, trying to strike up conversations may get you quickly labeled 'creepy pickup artist.'
        • ratsimihah 7y ago
          Some might think that but it doesn't really matter. You can meet tons of people who'll just want to chat and hang out. I do it and I see other males do it.
      • ratsimihah 7y ago
        Exactly! Even before class if there's a reception/waiting room area, as people are less rushed.
    • ratsimihah 7y ago
      I get you, not every studio has that kind of vibe. I go to a few different ones, and I've made tons of friend at one of them, while talking to people at other ones hasn't been as fruitful.
• armenarmen 7y ago
  A good longer play to bust out of that is to start working out of an independent cafe. Find one with a lower rate of laptop jockeys but that still has a couple. Bounce around until you find one that feels right: a good amount of regulars, people doodling, and bullshitting with baristas. Show up a couple times a week, drop into the odd conversation. And be ready to say “anyone want to grab a beer” come quitting time. This is just about the fastest (week to a month) way to find yourself a new in person social circle.
  • brailsafe 7y ago
    It's a good idea, but I don't don't know about the fastest. I'd recommend your idea and a series of neutral/specific hobbies/sports that give you a wider breadth
    • armenarmen 7y ago
      No doubt that you’ll have people to chum around with at a meetup. None whatsoever. And it’s a great thing to do both socially and professionally. I’d say though that the people you meet while shooting the shit at a cafe are more likely to be “general friends” that are based more on shared personalities and humor than a shared interest. As such, these types of friendships feel/are less utilitarian
      • brailsafe 7y ago
        I don't know if I understand your first sentence very clearly, but yes I agree. I made a comment on reddit yesterday regarding a very similar topic. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/bxat83/people_who_have_made_friends_outside_of_work_and/eq5oat5/?context=3 https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/bxat83/people_wh...
  • scott_s 7y ago
    When I wasn't working in the office, I did my work in coffee shops during grad school. I still try not to work at home now, and walk to a local coffee shop if I need to work on a weekend. Working in a public place made grad school more tolerable. Even though I was doing my work, I felt like part of my community and I was able to interact with other people. I even did make some friends doing it. It sounded to me like WhompingWindows is a grad student, so I heartily endorse they try this approach. Just be in public spaces more. It helps.
• _trampeltier 7y ago
  I'm also single (again), almost 40, do sport twice a week (with people) and usually go outonce a week with somebody. I because I wanna see other people than just the guys on work an friends, I use for example public transportation for going to work.
• hanklazard 7y ago
  Maybe a local book or movie club? I find these are a great way to meet some new people as an adult.
• realPubkey 7y ago
  I had the same situation. A non sustainable life. With her all changed. I go to the gym so she does not have a skinny boyfriend. When I find something good at netflix I wait until she is home and we can watch it together. When I find a nice place, I remmember it so I can show her the nice bench under that tree in my hometown. I always have flashback about the time I moved to another city without family bondings. Then I smiley because it's over.
  • ratsimihah 7y ago
    That sounds great! Just be careful not too become too dependent on someone else.
    • souprock 7y ago
      Becoming dependent is part of the deal. It keeps people together through the difficult times.
      • BinaryResult 7y ago
        No, dependency breeds contempt. If he values the relationship he needs to remain independent, i.e. have his own mission in life and not just live for his partner.
        • SketchySeaBeast 7y ago
          Yeah, I think the term is really "integrate". While I'm not dependent on my wife, there are things that I trust her to do and things she trust me to do, and we don't even think about them anymore because my partner is handling them. You give up stuff because your partner has got them. You sort of sag into each-other as people.
          • NateEag 7y ago
            "And the two shall become one flesh."
• monetus 7y ago
  I don't know what the music scene is like in your area, but there is a vast plethora of people who want to compose/improvise with others. You can turn your coding/art-fu into a social asset if you see how to use it. libcinder, openframeworks, pure data, faust, three.js, tone.js, there are a multitude of things regular musicians could use but don't know about.
  • criddell 7y ago
    Also check out processing.org.
• jpm_sd 7y ago
  Join something! A band, a chamber group, an orchestra? An artists' collective with shared studio space?
• theonlyklas 7y ago
  >Going home feels so meh... I can go work through more Sherlock Holmes videos or Netflix series or work on music or art, but there is no one to share with, no one to talk to throughout the day, no one to engage with on my passions. I just kinda laze about without more contact. Invite someone over! >If anyone in Providence, RI wants to hang, let me know! I actually live in Cranston, lol. You like biking? Cryptocurrency? Music production?
  • WhompingWindows 7y ago
    Hecks yeah! I bike around East Bay Path, Blackstone River Path, I also love to ride around the Boulevard on the East Side. What kind of music are you into? I play piano, a buddy of mine is into guitar and Linnstrument. We may be having a board game night tonight actually, been looking forward to it, LMK if you want to stop by.
    • theonlyklas 7y ago
      My friends do more instrumental and hip hop style production. I'll send you a message! I might be busy tonight, but we should keep in touch.
    • theonlyklas 7y ago
      I actually have no clue how to private message people on ycombinator. It seem to be impossible. Send me an email to jason.j.klas@gmail.com I am biking the MS150 this weekend, so I may be late to reply. Wish me luck! :)
• celestialcheese 7y ago
  I'm a lot like you - work from home, spend most of my time interacting with people through non-physical mediums, get very lonely often. I've found biking to be an exceptional way to meet new people and break out of the lonliness funk I fell into after moving to a new city where I knew no one. Most shops organize group rides at all skill levels, and most cities have bike groups. It's a wildly social sport, and most rides end at cafes or breweries. It gets me out of the house and there's an instant camaraderie that comes with sweating with a group of people for a couple hours on a long ride.
• learned2code 7y ago
  I can relate to every sentence you wrote, minus certain details. I like and enjoy my coworkers but our respective interests are too dissimilar. The interactions at work never go deeper than the current objective or niceties. This is completely fine (for now) but in the future I would love to be on a true team. Going home is indeed meh. As much as it feels nice to unwind, I'd much rather unwind with my gang. I used to be on a sports team and lived morning, day, and night with my boys. Even though life was chaotic, it was incredible to have a gang. One thing I know for certain is that I could do more to gain that back. Short-term I plan on (1) joining an adult sports league and (2) hit up the super interesting people I've met since moving. But long-term I believe lifestyle redesign is the only solution to our highly atomized world. I look to the past for ideas.
• souprock 7y ago
  There are different kinds of loneliness. I suppose the worst is when all apply. You lack family, you have coworkers, you have random humans in the area, you didn't mention any sort of buddy. So have 2 or 3 out of those 4. I'm bummed about spending the last quarter century without a buddy. Family and coworkers and random humans do not substitute. Maybe I have no time for it, but I also think it takes a certain kind of environment. The shared environment of an Internet-free childhood neighborhood and school created the right conditions.
• Aaronstotle 7y ago
  Attend some meetups in your area/start going to the gym regularly if you aren't already, I find the gym is a good way to meet people.
  • hughes 7y ago
    Are they? I usually feel like the last thing I'd ever do at a gym is talk to someone, and someone talking to me would be really surprising...
    • thrower123 7y ago
      I find that if I'm going to the gym to work out, I don't much talk to people - when I'm lifting or on the treadmill or whatever, I'm focused on what I'm doing, and everybody else seems to be in the same boat. However, if it's something like a pickup basketball or soccer game, there's always time when you are waiting around between games that there is time for people to interact and chit-chat. Even more so with something like softball, where half the game you have down-time sitting in the dugout waiting to get up to bat.
      • kaitai 7y ago
        Pickup Ultimate Frisbee is one of my suggestions, as you're right on about this. There is pickup Ultimate everywhere and people are mellow and friendly. You can use pickupultimate.com to look up local games (it's not complete, but a good start). People will happily teach you how to play -- just stand on the sideline & ask questions. Bring a white shirt and a dark shirt and you're ready to go.
    • JohnBooty 7y ago
      Depends on the gym. If it's just a place where you spend 15 bucks a month and there's a bunch of machines you can use, probably not a meeting place. Would perhaps even be creepy and/or rude to talk to others. But when you're taking classes with people, or it's a crossfit kinda gym that's totally built around a team concept, great place to meet people.
• dllthomas 7y ago
  > I can't wait to hit the phase of life with a partner and/or family living with me. You're in a phase of life where you could live with others, although there's no guarantee of there actually being a good opportunity near by. I spent a chunk of my 20s living in a student housing cooperative in Ann Arbor, MI, and for the most part it was a great experience. It was big enough, and enough of the population was grad students, that it was easy to be left alone when that's what you wanted. But it was also plenty easy to find someone up for a game of chess or whatnot at pretty much any time of day. It was also inexpensive, I still had some space of my own, and while some work was owed to keep the house running it was in practice substantially less than I spend on my own apartment with typically better results.
  • claytonjy 7y ago
    As someone in the same area, I'm curious if you did this post-grad-school? I can't imagine the co-ops in e.g. Kerrytown are very welcoming of non-students, but I don't know.
    • dllthomas 7y ago
      Being a non-student, I needed approval from the house. Being student age and working on campus, it was easy to get - but it's sometimes granted to people for whom neither of those is the case.
    • jimpudar 7y ago
      I lived next door to the co-op at State and Catherine, and there were a few people who lived there who were in their late thirties and definitely not students. I don't know about _all_ of them, but some definitely don't care if you are a student or not.
      • dllthomas 7y ago
        Unless things have changed in ways that seem very unlikely, every ICC house "cares" in that non-students need house approval and students (generally?) don't. But houses will certainly vary in terms of how easy it is to get that approval. They will also vary along many, many other axes.
• robear 7y ago
  There are some good ideas in this thread. I spent a lot of lonely time in my 20s living alone and working from home. One thing is to live in a shared house. That is a way to have people to live with. It worked for me to not be as lonely at times in my adulthood. The other thing is to get involved with social physical activity, clubs, or volunteering. I played hockey and went to a group fitness gym. I made long term friends there. I am into ham radio and the club where I live is pretty good. I used to volunteer at a kids camp and that was great for making friends with the staff members and doing social things outside of camp. To me, find where your interests align with social/community activity. Currently, I am trying to get the ham radio club to be more out in the community. We are doing radio communications for a running race this weekend. It is exciting.
• jansho 7y ago
  Hmm you might be readier to start that partner/ family phase than you think ;)
• xenospn 7y ago
  Adopt a dog. Go to the park twice a day. You’ll feel amazing.
  • Angostura 7y ago
    Not a great idea if you are out at work all day.
    • josinalvo 7y ago
      Not a great idea to be out at work all day :P
  • astura 7y ago
    Dogs don't fit in with every lifestyle.
  • canadapups 7y ago
    I used to live in an area with lots of apartment buildings and had to babysit a friends dog for a couple of weeks. I met a couple of people when I took the dog out at 6:30am because they were doing the same thing. Ran into the same people every day. Plus you always let the dogs visit (sniff each other) so starting a conversation is almost automatic. Now I have my own dogs. Easy to meet people if you go to obedience, agility, or other dog classes. With a dog you get all of the above, plus the affection from the dog, plus the additional exercise.
    • cowmoo728 7y ago
      I've had the same experience. There are regulars that I get to talk to most days, and many of them have interesting stories. I'm friends with a retired college professor, lawyer, political activist, journalist, nurse, wedding planner and restaurant manager, fitness instructor. All from hanging out at the same dog park almost every day for a few years now. It only takes 30 minutes a day and makes me feel less lonely.
  • magduf 7y ago
    Dogs are a pain in the ass. They smell bad, and make your home smell bad. They require constant attention. Leaving them at home, locked up, all day long while you're at work working long hours is cruel. Your apartment/condo will require you to pay a big fee to get their poop DNA tested, and when you don't pick up their poop, you'll be slapped with a huge fine. Honestly, it's easier having a child: at least children can go to the bathroom by themselves after a few years, and eventually can feed themselves too.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• dashundchen 7y ago
  Do you know how to ride a bike? It's summer and I am sure there are a ton of casual (i.e. non-racing/fitness groups) bike groups that ride around regularly. Unlike sports or gyms there's a lot more hanging around and chatting, plus you can end up with new destinations. Meanwhile the exercise gives you endorphins. In my similar sized city there's enough cyclists that there are many different "scenes" depending on what you are looking for, but many overlap so that you'll almost always have a familiar face at one. Riding a bike for transportation also lets you feel a little more human getting around your city. You may run into people you know.
  • tty2300 7y ago
    This is some good advice. Riding a bike gives you a much better sense of community because you see the people and recognise they are the same people you see all the time rather than just another generic car you will never recognise again.
    • sridca 7y ago
      A fiendishly clever brand of meta-level genius propels The Cabin in the Woods, a pulpy, deceivingly insightful send-up of horror movies that elicits just as many knowing chuckles as horrified gasps. [It] comes not only to praise the slasher-, zombie- and gore-fests of yore but to critique them, elaborating on their grammatical elements and archetypal figures even while searching for ways to put them to novel use. The danger in such a loftily ironic approach is that everything in the film appears with ready-made quotation marks around it... But by then, the audience will have picked up on the infectiously goofy vibe of an enterprise that, from its first sprightly moments, clearly has no intention of taking itself too seriously."
• Chirael 7y ago
  I’m in Providence but have no idea how to send a DM on HN; if you can see the email on my profile feel free to send something
  • dang 7y ago
    HN doesn't have DMs, so no one has an idea how to send them. Thanks for watching out for a fellow user.
  • kaybe 7y ago
    You need to put contact information into the 'about' text field of your user account if you want to be contacted, the account email address is hidden.
    • Chirael 7y ago
      OK thanks, I added it
• bitexploder 7y ago
  I recommend social hobbies. Mine are BJJ and Magic the Gathering. BJJ is great because it can be highly technical but you will meet people way outside of nerd circles. My kids do it and love it as well. It is a hard thing, too, so it keeps the ego in check. You have no choice but to be extremely, intimately close with other humans. The friends I am making are great. There are plenty of other hobbies, but start there. Edit: (start by investigating social hobbies)
  • clarry 7y ago
    Don't we all know what BJJ is.
    • egypturnash 7y ago
      It seems to be Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, judging by the lack of any other expansions of the acronym in the first page of DuckDuckGo's results.
      • xnxn 7y ago
        I wish you had said DDG
        • egypturnash 7y ago
          I was sorely tempted.
    • thousandautumns 7y ago
      Its Brazilian Ju Jitsu, for those wondering.
    • mythrwy 7y ago
      I have some ideas but pretty sure they are wrong. Seconded on request for clarification.
    • germinalphrase 7y ago
      Brazilian jiu jitsu is correct. It’s a wrestling style. Compared to many martial arts, BJJ is very interactive in that you learn something new and then immediately put it into practice against training partners. BJJ gyms don’t really do katas (lining up the class to practice poses/moves individually). This is nice because you get immediate feedback on what works. I’m a small guy. In a real fight I would probably get smashed by any average sized dude, but my experience diving into jiu jitsu has been fun and interesting. It’s a very technique based and strategic game, so my size isn’t as much of a factor as it would be in other sports. Most gyms do a free trial period. You won’t have any idea what you’re doing for the first month or two, but I think it’s healthy to get humbled once in a while. California (specifically So Cal) is kind of the Mecca of BJJ in the US, so a gym should be easy to find. Give it a try everyone.
• ManuelKiessling 7y ago
  Human nature is really weird. I can totally relate to everything you've written, and at the same time, I, as a father and husband, would love to experience a week like that really badly every now and then.
  • shrimp_emoji 7y ago
    It shows that what people think they want is a silly, shifting goalpost and that "happiness" is an untenable, fictional concept the mind uses to distract itself on its meaningless quest to stay alive. Insofar as it's possible, not taking your feelings or life seriously is the best tactic I've come to use. But I'm relatively young, so I might be wrong. And it's pretty vacuous: so, what, don't act on chasing happiness? Feel lonely but act like it doesn't matter and do nothing? Try to exist in a psychologically-inert routine until you die? Yes. xDD Or, you know, do small things to improve things, but don't try too hard because it doesn't seem worth it. (My exception to this would be superego, rather than id, shit like revolutionary action which has the potential to take you and everybody else into new maxima of well-being IN WHICH you otherwise try to exist in psychologically-inert routines until death -- because that's at least more meaningful than neurotically ping-ponging around for personal maxima of well-being. More return on stress investment.)
    • joaomacp 7y ago
      Thanks for this comment. I had once reached this conclusion (everything is meaningless anyway, stop worrying about being single&lonely), but had forgotten it.
    • debaserab2 7y ago
      I don't know that I disagree with everything you've stated, but speaking from experience I do think if you half-ass your attempt at happiness, the grass will definitely be greener on the other side later in life. Don't make exceptions about the things that make you happy, even if you know the things that make you happy might change down the road.
  • panzagl 7y ago
    Amen. I feel so bad about how much I look forward to the occasional travel I do for work...
• ptaffs 7y ago
  A friend of a friend told me that people, such as diplomat families who have to quickly settle but often relocate, will deliberately but routinely eat at the same restaurant, say, every Thursday evening. After a couple of weeks they'll find staff or other regular diners will engage with them and build relationships.
  • madengr 7y ago
    In some countries, that is a good way to get killed.
    • InterimNew 7y ago
      Can you expand on this? I'm interpreting this to mean that in some countries opsec dictates that you eat at a different place every night? Why?
      • tdfx 7y ago
        Being killed is probably a bit hyperbolic for most countries, but I would imagine it means that keeping such a predictable routine in a country where you are inherently a target (read: white people in many third world countries with high rates of robbery/violence) can make it easy for you to be targeted for robbery. Or, in limited places, terrorist acts. If the dishwasher's cousin is a small time local criminal and mentions the white family arrives and leaves at a super predictable time, his group of friends may get drunk one night and decide it's an easy payday.
  • pthomas551 7y ago
    It's a bit easier as an expat because there are lots of other expats also looking to meet people. Very freshman year of college type vibe in my experience. Your problem becomes less making friends, and instead ensuring you make the right friends. There are a lot of dodgy characters in expat communities.
• Japhy_Ryder 7y ago
  Hey man. I'm in Westerly! Occasionally make it into the city. And I'm very much into cycling. Always down to get beers, ride, check out live music, etc.
• Eruditorum 7y ago
  Boston, MA. Send me an email.
• tasty_freeze 7y ago
  You make music? Go to meetup.com or craigslist to find other musicians with similar skill levels and ambitions. I'm in my mid 50s and my kids are off at college and I finally have free time, and no friends. A couple years ago I bought a used bass and amp (again, craigslist) for cheap, dusted off my old skills, then found some other people on meetup.com who want to play music socially for fun and improvement, but don't have the ambition to actually be in a performing group. It is nice to socialize for couple hours every couple of weeks with new people on a non-programming activity. One of the guys is especially compatible with me, and we've met up a couple of times outside of the band.
  • jamesmp98 7y ago
    Anecdotal, of course, but I've found the meetup scene to be terrible in a some places. Most I've seen are inactive, aimed at a specific demographic, or are fronts for scams / MLM's.
    • beenBoutIT 7y ago
      IIRC, the only Meetups worth going to are meetups where you already know someone or Meetups that friends have recommended.
• cwarrior 7y ago
  Why don't you make an effort to meet new people and expand your social circle?
• dheera 7y ago
  > but there is no one to share with The flip side of this is that when you do actively seek out opportunities to share, you can instantly meet a lot of people in one go if you're the one sharing, instead of a spectator. It does take effort, but opportunities are out there. I went to a "bring your own art" event in SF a couple weeks ago that was a public event on Facebook. I took a photography work I had made. I took a robot I had built to Maker Faire. For tech projects, email event organizers, meetup organizers and ask if you can present at their next event. For art projects consider sharing a unique or interesting story or journey, not just a single piece of art. If you actually do make something cool or you have a good story, you'll be surprised how easy it is to get a few yeses. When you are the creator/presenter/speaker, you meet people quickly because it's not awkward for others to approach you and ask questions. It's a lot harder to meet people as a mere participant. Seeking out events you can present or exhibit at is not that easy for everyone. But since you're in Providence, you should be able to find plenty of events an hour away in Boston. Also, if you have a hard time finding events but you have a critical mass of a few friends in the area, consider hosting an event. It can be as simple as a potluck, which means you basically have to do no work except maybe make 1 dish yourself and clean up afterwards. Let your friends know it's okay to bring +1 or +2. Many times they will. You'll meet a lot of new people that way too.
• raz32dust 7y ago
  Makes me wonder - is the abundance of choice that makes us lonely? True, deep relationships take time. Your social circle is larger, but you haven't gotten the chance to develop any deep bond because neither you nor they have enough time for each other - because there's so much else to do.
  • lazyjones 7y ago
    >Makes me wonder - is the abundance of choice that makes us lonely? While this would explain loneliness in cities, I doubt it. I believe it's unrealistic expectations from TV, social media, newspapers, both positive and negative, about relationships and people in general. Just like pornographic movies affect one's love life, seeing unrealistic depictions of social life destroy natural curiosity about other people, lead to doubts and suspicions etc. ... The availability of the option to avoid other people does its part.
    • slothtrop 7y ago
      What you describe sounds more like FOMO. I don't think that's the same. One can be perfectly detached from social media and television and still experience loneliness. It's more a reflection of unmet biological needs. We're physically detached from one another, on the social spectrum.
• marviel 7y ago
  I know this is a bit out of the blue; but going to improv classes, and book clubs, were really good ways to get out and meet interesting people. I wish you the best of luck in your socialization endeavors.
• kenneth 7y ago
  Here's an idea: stay at a hostel. It's the easiest time you'll have making new friends. They won't last long and they will be young and poor but they'll be very friendly almost immediately. It won't give you true fulfilment but it'll make you not feel lonely for a while.
• kenneth 7y ago
  Another idea: be an expat. Move to a foreign country that speaks a different language and take language classes. First, it'll be a big valuable change, and it'll provide plenty of adventure, and expats are quick to make new friends given the shared isolation. I would recommend China or Taiwan.
  • Fjolsvith 7y ago
    Roatan, Honduras. With daily cruise ships in port, there's a steady influx of English speakers. Its cheap to live there, too.
    • kenneth 7y ago
      Oooooh, thanks for sharing that. I've never heard of Roatan. Heard Honduras is pretty sketchy, but an island like that must be totally different and I'm now adding it on my list of places to visit. It'll help with my travel goals (have to visit another 40 or so countries in 2 years!)
      • Fjolsvith 7y ago
        You can go direct via cruise ship out of Houston.
• 9HZZRfNlpR 7y ago
  I felt very similar but at the age of 20 I shut myself indoors and it's been like that ever since. Everyone has long forgot about me. I turned 31 an hour ago. I think I just got used to it. I was lucky that I inherented a small flat, although in bad condition and location. I score some freelance gigs time to time to keep myself alive. I have tried online communities or friends so to speak but I don't really get it how it's done. I didn't have a problem in real life. I read HN always every night before I fall asleep. In 2008 or so my show HN made it to first page. I was very happy that say. Genuine happiness. I might have lacked being a human now.
  • loblollyboy 7y ago
    Happy bday man. Recently turned 30 myself. Living w some guys i used to work w right now and its really turned my life around - we need people
  • marshray 7y ago
    You don't sound too thrilled about the way things are going. You can change it if you want. Volunteering to help with for some in-person activity can provide that essential social connection. Also, consider talking to a professional. They evaluate situations like the one you describe all the time.
  • mpfundstein 7y ago
    Happy birthday mate
    • beenBoutIT 7y ago
      Hopefully you're using a redshift/flux type app when you read HN immediately before bed, otherwise the blue light from the screen will prevent your body from secreting melatonin, compounding any other issues you might be dealing with.
      • mark-r 7y ago
        HN itself isn't so bad - the background is (246,246,239) which means blue is reduced about 3% from pure white or gray. Can't say the same for any link you might follow though.
• mlurp 7y ago
  Hey, I'm in prov too. I'm pretty busy but hit me up if you're interested in hanging out sometime.
  • dang 7y ago
    The email field in your profile isn't visible to other HN users, only to the site admins. If you want to be contactable, you'll need to include contact details in the About field.
• cwp 7y ago
  I had a bout of this about 20 years ago, so I made a rule for myself: I wasn't allowed to decline an invitation. If somebody proposed doing something together and I was able, I had to do it. That made a huge difference in my life. I did a lot of things that were... unexpected. (A few examples: I joined an ultimate frisbee league. I went skydiving. I joined a church group. I went to a strip club. I attended a wedding.) It wasn't all fun or even pleasant, but I wasn't lonely anymore. The internet was just getting started then, so that experiment might work out differently now, but it's worth considering how much of our modern isolation is just a matter of choices.
  • dorchadas 7y ago
    I've made the exact same rule, as well. I've spent more money because of it, but my life has been much better. Sometimes, a trade-off is necessary. It also makes life much more interesting, and it's really made me grow as a person.
  • sdrn 7y ago
    "Smoke crack with me bro"
    • dang 7y ago
      Not here, please.
  • drdeadringer 7y ago
    Do you still follow this "never no" rule, or did you come to a point or change in your life to ease up or ease off?
    • cwp 7y ago
      I think it lasted about 6 months before I completely abandoned it, but I had started to cheat even before then. The main reason I quit was "mission accomplished". I had made new friends, discovered some social activities I enjoyed and was generally happier. But also I noticed some downsides. One was that people will exploit that rule, even if they don't know about it. That church group would have cheerfully turned me into one of their most dedicated and active members just by inviting me to all the things. They meant well, but I was sending mixed signals by accepting all their invitations even though I wasn't interested in their faith. Once I had been to a few events I had to start saying no. Another was that once I had a bit of a social life going, I didn't want to let happenstance push me around so much. The choice was no longer between do this thing or stay home and mope; I started to have other options and I didn't want to just end up doing the first thing that presented itself. All in all, it was a great way to change my habits, but not a good way to live life indefinitely.
• brailsafe 7y ago
  Replied to a similar sentiment on reddit yesterday. Might be worth a read. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/bxat83/people_who_have_made_friends_outside_of_work_and/eq5oat5/?context=3 https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/bxat83/people_wh...
• turrican 7y ago
  I had a career change away from tech about two years ago, which happens to be the same time I moved to Providence! If you want to grab a drink sometime in the next couple days and chat about parks and rec, let me know!
• ca98am79 7y ago
  Some other things you can do (which worked for me during a time of loneliness) are: * be resourceful. For example, reach out to old co-workers or people you enjoyed being with and ask them to lunch or coffee * go to coffee shops just to be around people * go out to a movie * use a dating site or app, if for nothing else but to meet and talk with another person
• jtms 7y ago
  Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is a fantastic way to make a ton of friends and feel like you are part of something bigger than yourself. It’s a very “intimate” sport to begin with so forming close relationships is quite natural. The only negative is that serious injuries can and do happen that can take you out of the game for long periods of time (or permanently)
• on_and_off 7y ago
  Wow, this post made me feel very lonely ! I am in relatively similar situation : I have moved from Europe to SF. I probably work too much and my main hobbies are movies, video games, books, etc .. all pretty lonely occupations. Most of the time I don't really mind being alone, not at all, but sometimes it is a painful feeling. I also have a pretty established routine : -working a lot -working out -watching some movies/playing -sleep rinse and repeat. I know I should probably volunteer to some associations doing good. I do have a girlfriend .. but we are in a long distance relationship, so we can't always be there for each other. Open to tips in orer to meet new people in San Francisco !
  • aksh1t 7y ago
    Check out https://www.meetup.com/ https://www.meetup.com/. There are usually a lot of activities happening there where you can meet new people. I used to go to some photography meetups in south bay and tech meetups too, it was a nice low pressure way to meet new people.
• wolco 7y ago
  As crazy as this sounds smoking weed can help if you are feeling lonely. It will help you disconnect from outside stimulus but too much and you'll find social interactions not as desirable as they are now.
  • slothtrop 7y ago
    It also makes you content with boredom. I'm not sure that's a proper solution, as in the long-term breeds a dependency.
• utksh 7y ago
  We are the most connected society in the history but still the most depressed and loneliest one. We have lost the significance of physical presence of someone. Over the years we have evolved to live in tribes, that is why depression was quite rare in Joint families.
• kurjam 7y ago
  Hey, you got a bunch of great people giving you suggestions for what to do. Just wanted to add - hang in there. I'm sure you'll get to a place in your life where you'll feel more connected with someone/less lonely in general. Best of luck!
• ekanes 7y ago
  Consider adding a /social/ hobby. The ones I've found have very friendly people are improv and jiu jitsu.