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After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might w

• treetalker 7mo ago
  This is great. Thanks, and cheers.
• r17n 7mo ago
  I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother this person". How do you deal with that?
  • mindwok 7mo ago
    Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you? Most people like it! And even if they don’t, that’s ok, trust people to tell you their boundaries and respect them when they do. Nothing wrong with bothering someone if they tell you or send a strong signal and you respect it.
    • dmd 7mo ago
      See my answer to that question is “er, yes, obviously??!” and so I assume, apparently incorrectly, that everyone is like me.
      • jibal 7mo ago
        If it's obvious to you that everyone should be bothered by people being friendly then there's an error in your reasoning process.
        • dmd 7mo ago
          I'm guessing you're either from the midwest US, or not from the US. Am I right?
          • galangalalgol 7mo ago
            I'm from the US and not the Midwest. Not rural either. If I'm clearly doing something it might bother me, otherwise I would find it nice to meet someone new. I have mild asd and large gatherings cause anxiety, but if I'm just sitting people watching or on a stroll, talking to one or two people wouldn't bother or stress me.
          • jibal 7mo ago
            I probably shouldn't even legitimize this absurdity by responding to it, but no. And if the answer were yes, that would not validate the fallacious reasoning processes leading to this guess. Here's a hint: reread my comment, focusing on the words "obvious" and "everyone". I won't comment further.
        • fuzzfactor 7mo ago
          Good point, maybe things would be more friendly if the prevailing reasoning were not as isolating. I think the default is sociability too, but for reasons it does seem to be on the retreat. > Would you be bothered >basically anywhere there are other people, Seems like a perfectly legitimate prerogative to me anyway. Actually more "popular" than ever from some of the comments. >They just can't understand that people wouldn't want to talk to them. This however does not follow completely logically. More like "They just can't realize that of all the people who would want to talk to them, you aren't one of them." No harm done regardless.
        • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
    • frumplestlatz 7mo ago
      Yes, 100%. I don’t want to have a surface-level conversation with a stranger. I’m also never going to be rude about it — unless you are first. Just pick up on the obvious hints that I’m not super into talking.
    • deleted 7mo ago
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    • mhurron 7mo ago
      > Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you? Yes. If I am basically anywhere there are other people, I am there for a specific reason, and anyone trying to talk to me for anything else is bothering me. I've found that most people that try to start conversations with strangers are really poor at reading signals that their actions are unwanted and they only stop when you say something so out of their comfort zone they have no idea how to handle it. They just can't understand that people wouldn't want to talk to them. And after this article and thread, we can add I don't want to be your practice dummy to the reasons you're bothering me.
      • etbebl 7mo ago
        The example in the article is a waiting room. Or you could be waiting to catch the subway, or in line at the grocery store. In those situations how is somebody trying to talk to you preventing you from completing your task? Otherwise you're probably just scrolling your phone; sometimes I fill these gaps with things like podcasts, but even then it's not like what I'm doing is urgent.
        • frumplestlatz 7mo ago
          I prefer to be left alone with my thoughts.
        • mhurron 7mo ago
          I am wherever for a reason, and that reason is not to be social. I am thinking about what I am doing next, what I need to bring up in whatever thing I'm waiting for, or quite frankly any number of things. You are interrupting me. You'd probably get it if we changed things up and instead of standing in line, we said you were staring out the window while sitting at your desk. You're clearly doing nothing right and talking to you isn't interrupting what your task is because your task is just typing code, and we did just say you're not doing that. You are bothering me trying to talk to me when I am out, because I am only out to do things specifically. Just because I am currently doing something (waiting) that you deem unimportant or an indicator I am free does not make it so.
  • doubled112 7mo ago
    If they seem uninterested in talking, tell them to have a nice day, then carry on with yours.
  • gabaix 7mo ago
    Learn the social cues. People won’t say when they are busy. They might not ask you questions back, or keep doing what they do.
  • gyomu 7mo ago
    As the article says, you just take the risk. Maybe you will bother the person. It’s okay, you’ll be able to quickly tell if you do, and you just gracefully back away and go on with your day. It’ll probably happen much less than you think.
    • wanderingstan 7mo ago
      I concur. And would just add two points: (1) Make it that you’re not asking for anything / don’t open with something that could be perceived as a setup to asking for money, or pushing a religion. :) 2) be sensitive to social cues or that they want to be left alone, like terse answers or shifting their attention away from you
      • mastersummoner 7mo ago
        This actually jives with my personal experience living in NYC. New Yorkers have a reputation for being stone cold with strangers, but the truth is that anytime somebody approaches you out of the blue, there's an assumption that they're about to ask for money or try to get in your pants. Once you demonstrate you're not looking for either (or, if the second I suppose, that you're at least smooth enough for it not to be immediately evident), people are generally really kind. With some exceptions, I've usually found that the coldest looking person will stop to give a lost tourist directions if it's clear they're in need.
        • wolvoleo 7mo ago
          Yeah NYC is the one place in America I'd love to visit. But unfortunately it's in America so I'm not going there until you have some sane leaders again :(
      • smelendez 7mo ago
        I’ve found it can be helpful to shift your own attention after someone answers you, but not to a phone (which just makes you look like you’re communicating with someone else). Look at a flyer on the wall, or your beverage if you’re in a bar, and they’ll follow up if they want to talk and appreciate the reduced pressure either way. And yeah, never open a conversation with something like “can I ask you a question?” which is usually a trick of a salesperson or beggar to make you acknowledge them and start saying yes.
  • beached_whale 7mo ago
    I think that it comes down to that people often like to talk about their interests but worry that the recipient may not be. So we end up with two people who want to talk but worried about the others feelings.
    • paulpauper 7mo ago
      Then just disengage the conversation when this happens
    • hluska 7mo ago
      These are called questions. They’re great. Hell, if you want to be regarded as a great conversationalist and great storyteller, all you have to do is ask questions.
  • deleted 7mo ago
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  • karpovv-boris 7mo ago
    For me that clicked we are all just kids. Your parents are struggling with some problems in everyday life as you are. Your teachers sometimes might say they don't know the answer to your question in their field which is alright. (Parents and teachers are two figures who we look up to.) My point is that if you're thinking, "they have much more experience and I don't, so no need to bother them.." you're wrong. Basically, they could have more things, but about same lot of problems in the life as you. After that, just start asking simple questions.
  • thegreatpeter 7mo ago
    Just practice. You will inevitably run into ppl that don’t want to talk. Don’t take it personally, don’t push it and try again
  • baxtr 7mo ago
    Do you get bothered when someone talks to you in a nice fashion?
    • rootusrootus 7mo ago
      Not the guy you asked, but my answer is: only if they are panhandling. Otherwise I usually feel a little surprised that someone would have any interest in my thoughts. So I feel a bit tickled if they have genuine interest.
    • leonflexo 7mo ago
      If the answer is, "of course not". Pull that thread. Honestly, so much "therapy" for some of us boils down to confronting/examining that disconnect and exploring why it exists/how it came to be.
      • baxtr 7mo ago
        Thanks for completing my comment :)
        • deleted 7mo ago
          [deleted]
    • singpolyma3 7mo ago
      Yes
      • baxtr 7mo ago
        Interesting. How come?
        • singpolyma3 7mo ago
          Because I'm busy inside of my own head and they interrupted my flow.
  • hluska 7mo ago
    My grandpa had a gift for people - the man could start a conversation with anyone, form fast friends and remember their spouse’s middle name in twenty years. As he put it, it’s a coin toss. Maybe you’re bothering them or maybe they’re grateful to have someone to distract them. Each is equally true before you start the conversation. The key is being able to read social cues. If you can, you can stop bothering them.
    • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
      People here acting like anyone interested in this article aren't already struggling to "read social cues".
  • Agingcoder 7mo ago
    You virtually never bother them - worst case they’ll turn you down. On the contrary, they’re usually very happy to tell you about what they do.
  • deleted 7mo ago
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  • coffeefirst 7mo ago
    I got a puppy. Then everyone wanted to talk to my puppy.
    • resonious 7mo ago
      Same here but with human children.
      • lupire 7mo ago
        How did you get human children?
        • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
          Hospital has plenty. The key is coming in after hours.
          • lelanthran 7mo ago
            Morgue too, for both assertions above. (okay, that joke was tasteless, but admit it - you probably giggled before you remembered to be horrified)
        • damnitbuilds 7mo ago
          Talking to the right women.
  • technothrasher 7mo ago
    I usually just start with a small harmless joke about the current situation we're both in. People either don't respond to it, and I leave them alone, or they engage and a conversation commences.
    • TurdF3rguson 7mo ago
      Let's hear the joke.
      • sethammons 7mo ago
        Turd Ferguson; that's a funny name
      • jcattle 7mo ago
        All of these have to be told light-hearted, as observational "jokes". Not like you are actually annoyed. You're just making light of a situation. "I guess the bus is just never on time here, huh" (Stuck in line at the grocers) "Friday evening rush-hour" Same kind of thing with whatever you are observing, at the Doctor, in the gym, waiting for the light to turn, etc, etc. It's all shit jokes if you can even call them that. But the purpose isn't to start a standup routine, it's to share a situation with a stranger and open up the floor to conversation. You are basically just indicating to a stranger: "Hey, I'm open for conversation", they can then choose to respond or just ignore the remark. Then you go from there.
        • jjkaczor 7mo ago
          Exactly this - yesterday I was in line at the grocery store and the cashier and customer ahead of me were complaining about our long, frigid winter (not normal for this region) - I joked about how if the long-range forecasts were correct we will be up to +18c next Saturday and we all laughed about the launch straight from winter into "summer". And we all moved on - not everything has to be an in-depth conversation.
        • GrzegorzWidla 7mo ago
          While I agree with everything, I personally try to make my one liners positive instead of negative. On average it just opens an opportunity for a nicer conversation than another whine about politics, weather or public transit.
  • jibal 7mo ago
    You're not afraid of bothering them, you're afraid of rejection. But so what if they do? The fear isn't rational, so choose to overcome it.
  • grayhatter 7mo ago
    > "I don't want to bother this person". > How do you deal with that? You teach yourself to say no, to the things you don't want to do. I considered leaving just that pithy reply, because that's really it. But some of the extra context; It's not a bother to ask someone to hold the door they're already going through because your hands are full. Starting a conversation is about as intrusive as that. The vast majority of people don't mind making some small talk, and ontop of that, the majority can make an excuse if they don't have time. You only assume they can't politely decline, because you can't. Once you learn to say no thanks, politely, but explicitly and directly. You'll actually understand and expect others to return the favor. That's a much more fair way to interact with people too.
    • cal_dent 7mo ago
      I echo this so much. I'd add also that learning to hear someone tell you no and not taking it to heart and getting on with your life. So many people walk through life being afraid of hearing someone reply "no" to them, like its some existential rejection of them and that stops them from doing many things. I'll make chit chat with anyone, and people who dont want to chat with are generally pretty explicit about saying they dont want to chat or don't have time, or pretty obviously implicit about it by not engaging or looking for ways out.
      • josephg 7mo ago
        Yeah this is the way. You will lightly bother some people by being talkative. But it’s ok. So long as you’re sensitive to their desire not to talk, you’ll be fine. Nobody will murder you in the night or kick you out of the village. I live in an apartment (condo). I’ve been practicing making small talk with people in the elevator. The conversations aren’t all winners. Lots of people are closed off or don’t want to chat. But no matter. Elevator conversations are disposable. And most people are genuinely lovely. It’s a fun challenge trying to brighten the days of strangers.
    • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
      >You teach yourself to say no, to the things you don't want to do. I feel that line of thinking can have some very grave consequences. My mind is swimming with intrusive thoughts half the time.
  • freediver 7mo ago
    Most people crave conversation and interaction. Those that are busy enough to potentially really be bothered will either show that clearly, or tell you so.
    • ptero 7mo ago
      In some age groups/environments, sure; but not in general. And if folks crave interaction they want it to be deeper than a surface level. That's not saying you should not try, but learn to recognize early signs of folks not being interested and don't push it.
      • matwood 7mo ago
        Where do you think deep social interaction starts?
        • ptero 7mo ago
          Wherever it starts, it requires both sides willingness to go beyond the level of "quite a weather, huh". Without which the right approach is a quick and graceful exit. My 2c.
  • thisislife2 7mo ago
    > "I don't want to bother this person". This is a common mistake many make - please don't be a "mind reader" and make assumptions. Seek clarification. Treat people like adults, and act like adults - you have the right to talk to anyone or ask someone for help. They have the right to be dismissive towards you or say no for whatever personal reason. People have different personalities. Sometimes, even nice people people act differently depending on the day they had and their moods. The point is, if they are strangers, you don't need to attribute any meaning or malice to this. However, always be mindful of social conventions and cultural practices.
• bluebarbet 7mo ago
  This will never be me (I find any kind of smalltalk excruciating). But I'm so grateful, not to say relieved, that there are people like you. Society needs you.
• bogzz 7mo ago
  "EXCUSE ME, SIR! I see you are moving with great intention. Might your hurriedness be in connection with those papers you hold in your hand? Pray tell, for I much desire to converse! Aah, I see, I was right to assume you were in a hurry. Anyway, it must be wonderful to be working at a place as beautiful as this, is it not? Hah ha ha yees, isn't it wonderful. Well, alright then be on your way if you must." Sorry but I couldn't help imagining you as the fake health inspector from Fawlty Towers while reading your comment. I do agree with you though, talking is great, we are social animals even though modern life allows us to forget this, to our own detriment.
• phatskat 7mo ago
  When I was staying with my older brothers, one of their magazines was along the lines of maybe a GQ but in the 90’s, iirc I was probably in middle school, and probably reading content a bit above my age level in terms of concept. One of their articles though was about “talking to women” but it also emphasized just talking to _anyone_. It had suggestions like “if you’re out at the bar, just ask to sit with a random group, introduce yourself, and have a conversation.” Many years later in college, I did indeed try this at a bar and was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t make any long term friends, or find a new partner, but I did really start honing the skill of being social with anyone. It’s hard, and especially for me and my social anxiety, it has also really helped me feel more comfortable in places unfamiliar and people unknown.
  • LoganDark 7mo ago
    It really helps to learn in an environment where failure isn't emotionally catastrophic. If you only talk to people that are interesting or important to you, then you can end up learning the wrong things because failure hits so hard. The desperation this can create will further serve to drive people away! People need to feel like it's safe to develop relations with you, rather than like you're trying to manipulate them into doing so, which is what happens when you learn only from very hard failures.
    • hiddenpx 7mo ago
      Wow. I just learned something about myself. Thanks for this insight!
• paulpauper 7mo ago
  I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. I did this a few times and it surprisingly worked. I was able to make small talk about an article I was reading. Did it matter that I didn't come off with the confidence of Tony Robbins? No.
• vedaba 7mo ago
  Until you run into an A-hole whose response ruins the rest of your day when you were just trying to be sociable. I could even see getting physically assaulted for trying to talk to the wrong stranger. I like where your heart is at, unfortunately many people out there are not deserving of it.
  • DiskoHexyl 7mo ago
    The idea of practicing these random interactions is also to get accustomed to rejections from the assholes. After all, they aren’t the majority- most people are actually quite nice and often appreciate a company (or will politely tell you they don’t need one)
    • perching_aix 7mo ago
      This made me reflect on online interactions. Agreeable comments will draw comparatively fewer replies, while disagreeable ones achieve the opposite. But this then results in a "false experience" for the individual, where unlike in real life, the bad exchanges do not end up outweighed by the good ones, as you simply don't go on to have those. You just upvote and move on (often to avoid redundancy). Maybe if the two were tied together (voting either up / down & sending a reply), communities would work healthier? I don't know. Not like it's easy to have this tried out. I could definitely see challenges to this though, the aforementioned redundancy being one. I have some countermeasure ideas, but then I wonder if that would make the UX complicated enough to drive people away instead, which is a lose-lose.
    • johnnyanmac 7mo ago
      It's not the majority, but one black eye will make you rethink everything regardless.
      • jmye 7mo ago
        Man, how many "hey, how are you"s do you think are ending in a black eye? What ridiculous hyperbole.
• kgwxd 7mo ago
  It's great as long as they don't turn out to be a creep. And that's terrible advice for practicing talking to women. Talking to a person you're attracted to, or want anything from in general, isn't going to present the same way. No matter how much you practice. Attractive women have to deal with that, all day, every day. They'll shut it down quickly if they're not interested. You'll be the creep if you don't quietly take the hint, and walk away, when they're not.
• zerkten 7mo ago
  I found mixed results given underlying anxiety that hadn't been diagnosed at the point I was trying this. Talking to new people at work, while out pursuing hobbies, and around town, all accrued to more and better conversations. It was a much bigger struggle with conversations where I was putting extra pressure on myself. Being able to have those other conversations was helpful though. Eventually, I found a therapist and am in a better place with this.
  • vector_spaces 7mo ago
    Letting curiosity be the motivator behind starting these conversations and cultivating curiosity more broadly can help -- or at least I have found it to be helpful in making initiating feel less forced. I wonder about people's jobs or the reasons they are visiting a place or what they think about what's happening nearby, or just generally who they are. One antipattern I've encountered with this approach tho is that sometimes anxious people will exhaust their conversation partners with a battery of questions. Even if thoughtful, this can sometimes have the effect of exhausting your partner, and tends to keep the conversation steered away from actual connection. YMMV, but either way be mindful and make it a point to share yourself
• socalgal2 7mo ago
  An old guy sat at the table next to mine at an outdoor cafe. I don't remember what I said to start the conversation but he told me he'd lived in Japan for 3yrs in the 50s, married a Japanese woman, they moved to Redondo Beach and she convinced him to buy a house more than they could afford. He said it was the best decision of their lives. He then said she'd past away a few years ago and they had no kids. I ask him what he thought of the population crisis Japan is facing. He said said that was bullshit and that 8 billion people in the world are way too many. And that was when I stopped talking to him.
  • xyzzy_plugh 7mo ago
    I mean, I can certainly appreciate this man's perspective even if I don't agree with it. The global population has more than tripled in his life. That's a pretty extreme change!
  • CapitalistCartr 7mo ago
    While I don't agree about population either way, in my lifetime it's grown from about 3 billion to over 8 billion. This has been quite a ride. Also, there's a world of a difference between global carrying capacity with responsible aliens managing, and our current management.
  • stevenhuang 7mo ago
    Why so quick to moralize? What makes you think your perspective on world population is justified and his isn't? This could have been an opportunity for both of you to understand each other's perspective. That's why you asked their thoughts on the matter right? It's a shame you let that pass you by.
    • socalgal2 7mo ago
      I asked his thoughts on the matter because I assumed he didn't want to see Japan end since he had a connection to it. But, he didn't give a fuck if they ended, nor Korea. And if you think they'y aren't ending, you need to go look at the numbers and then look at the double speak on solutions. There are no known solutions. Every solution requires a miracle that has never happened.
• hippich 7mo ago
  Please also recognize when others don't really want to talk. Not everybody want to go beyond cultural niceties of a smile and "hi, how you doing". I don't want to be a jerk, but I also don't like to talk to random strangers.
• Loughla 7mo ago
  To summarize, the suggestion was to live like you live in the Midwest outside of urban/suburban areas. That's very funny to me. My spouse had a hard time acclimating to rural Midwest life after living in a mega city on the East Coast. She complained that everything takes an extra half hour for time spent standing around talking about nothing. It never dawned on me that if you're from a place, like a large city, where interacting with strangers or very distant acquaintances isn't encouraged, that this would not be a natural part of life. I find this interesting but don't know what to do with that.
  • torben-friis 7mo ago
    Yup. I’m super social and extroverted, in the sense that I love meeting new people and if I’m introduced to anyone I make connections easily. But I can’t in a million years be the one breaking the ice. This is in big part due to being born and raised in a large European capital. There’s unwritten barriers you respect as a social rule, and if someone breaks the rule you assume they’re trying to sell something or scam you. To me talking to a stranger unprompted feels as out of place as pulling my pants down in public. It’s natural for these barriers to exist to make dense spaces liveable, but they do constrain you.
  • wolvoleo 7mo ago
    I used to live in a rural area and I found it so claustrophobic. I hate living in a place where I've seen everyone's face, know every street and every building. It feels so limiting, there's nothing to explore, no magic shops or communities to discover. And also, I really hated the religious mindset with all the little rules they have, the hatred for lgbt people, single parents, foreigners etc. There were good people too but you always had to watch who was around to have a chat. I'm very progressive and atheist. And very alternative. My ex who was from this community even got in trouble with some parents because she told the kids she was minding that dinosaurs lived millions of years ago. Apparently it's normal to deny all the progress we have made as a society. I just couldn't deal with it, it just made me so depressed. And this wasn't even in the US but just in Europe. In the city it's much easier to find open-minded people. And the ones who aren't don't control public life. I don't ever want to live in a rural area again after that (though in fairness I do have some ptsd from it).
• miroljub 7mo ago
  This advice is not for everyone. Obviously this works only if you are an extrovert. Introverts would find this kind of interaction a wasteful use of limited social energy available to them.
  • Craighead 7mo ago
    This advice is not for everyone. Categorizing yourself in a way that may purposefully stunt your growth and reduce opportunity for growth is a wasteful use of life.
    • miroljub 7mo ago
      That's something an extrovert would say :) Strong words. I'd like to understand your choice of words here. > Categorizing yourself Also known as knowing yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses. > purposefully stunt your growth A wild assumption that talking to everyone will magically let you grow. Some people just prefer to focus on people that matter to them. > ... reduce opportunity for growth By choosing to compete in an area that is your weakness, you already limited your growth potential. > ... wasteful use of life So refusing to talk to everyone is a wasteful use of life. Again, I find it more wasteful to talk to anyone instead of people who matter to me. Unless it's fun, of course.
      • Cthulhu_ 7mo ago
        Categorising / knowing yourself is important for sure - I think in the case of the extrovert/introvert thing, it's an important first step to helping yourself, because in my experience/anecdotally, a lot of introverts know they're different from others, yet feel insecure or anxious about it. Awareness and acceptance won't make you "not an introvert" suddenly, but it can help recover from the awkwardness, self-doubt and anxiety. Still anecdotally, me and some other people who (10, 15 years ago or so) learned about introversion found more peace with themselves, that it's OK to want to be home, and that they learn to say "no" or "you know something, I've had enough and am going home". Learning about who you are helps you know your limits and boundaries, which means you can learn to do more within your comfort zone and how far you can stretch it, which means your comfort zone expands and you can do more. That's the kind of growth I think comes with categorising oneself.
• throwaway290 7mo ago
  One of the last strangers I talked to pretended I didn't exist:)
  • Cthulhu_ 7mo ago
    Of course, not everyone wants to talk while in public, and not everyone knows how to politely decline a conversation. That's also fine, everyone's somewhere on the social spectrum(s).
• lukan 7mo ago
  Don't talk to me though, while I am trying to do focused work ... Or other people who are really busy right now, but in general yes, most people enjoy random interactions and talks. And most people do have interesting things to share. You have to have genuine interest, though. Don't force it - but be open for it. Make eye contact first and then you might connect. It is astonishing how many grim looking people suddenly start to smile and act friendly, if you just start a friendly conversation with them. Even if it is just a exchange of a simple comments.
  • jeffhuys 7mo ago
    Also talk to you; that’s part of learning how to. It prepares you for rejection of all sorts.
    • autoexec 7mo ago
      I can't recommend being intentionally rude so that you can get practice dealing with people who are pissed off at you. Learning how to tell when it's a bad time to strike up a conversation with a stranger will be a much greater benefit for anyone looking to meet women or even for someone just working on being friendlier/more social. There'll be no shortage of opportunities to learn how to deal with rejection even without being a pest.
      • jszymborski 7mo ago
        > I can't recommend being intentionally rude... As I understand, GP is recommending that folks take a risk that their drumming up a conversation might be unwelcome if they are unsure. They're not advocating for folks to harass people who are in no position to chat or who have stated as much. People can't read minds, so I think we owe grace to the folks around us if they misread a situation and respect your wishes when you let them know that it's you're unwilling or unable to chat at the moment. While it's great to learn social cues, it's often impossible to know whether someone is in the mood to chat.
    • ptero 7mo ago
      I cannot agree with that. Do not be shy about trying, but do not be a pest either. There are many times when interruptions are not good for both sides. My 2c.
• unsupp0rted 7mo ago
  I used to do this constantly but eventually I found it tedious. The conversation almost always went smoothly and I got the sense my interlocutor was pleasantly surprised to be engaged and had a great time chatting. But for me it became a chore, rather than a joy. It was “work” like guiding/teaching somebody. The juice was rarely worth the squeeze.
  • Panzer04 7mo ago
    I suppose you're comfortable with it though. Many people aren't comfortable with even the basic step of starting a random conversation or asking strangers questions/for help. You don't need to do it, but everyone should probably be at least comfortable/confident striking up conversations with people they don't know.
  • ericmcer 7mo ago
    Did people only talk about themselves? It is probably a rare trait when someone legitimately cares about other peoples inane daily lives. It would be interesting to actually talk to hundreds of people a week for years, you would probably get really good at categorizing people and predicting where they are in life and what their current concerns are.
    • unsupp0rted 7mo ago
      About themselves or about their political/world views, which are incredibly repetitive
    • anon-3988 7mo ago
      > Did people only talk about themselves? It is probably a rare trait when someone legitimately cares about other peoples inane daily lives. I love this honestly. I talked to people that insurance that talks about their customer, retired prostitute that have reached financial freedom, NEETs, right wingers, and many other curious people. The reality is that most people are sane, and with a little bit of compassion and empathy, it is possible to "see how they get there". I suppose these extremes are only available online because people won't open these up in physical meetings.
• jjav 7mo ago
  > I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA for a long time and as an introverted person I'm mostly ok with that, but whenever I'm back home I realize how much I miss talking to random people.
  • arcbyte 7mo ago
    > But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. This is regional within the US and obviously differs by person even then. Just remember that the people you are talking to may be the kind of people that need articles like the above to teach them how to talk to people. Their defenses go up when someone approaches them and while they are well practiced at appearing relaxed, they are not. Conversations are short because its emotionally difficult to stay in a heightened awareness state while someone is trying to pull you out of it. But you can certainly provide offramps
  • vasco 7mo ago
    When I visited New York City (and the US) for the first time in like 2010 I was taken a back but how much Americans like to chat randomly so this is strange to read. I remember a random guy was chatting to me in the subway, then I got out, waiting at a crosswalk for the green, in those 15 seconds another guy starts another random conversation. In the first 2 hours of the trip I already had maybe 10 random circumstantial conversations. The whole trip I felt like if I wanted I could always be talking!
    • bspammer 7mo ago
      This was my experience too. The USA is the only country I've ever been to where random strangers will strike up a conversation with me completely out of the blue, and I've travelled quite a lot.
    • 7mo ago
• tnel77 7mo ago
  Talking to strangers is one of my favorite things to do. Airplanes, trains, or just waiting at the coffee shop for them to make my drink. I have met so many interesting people and it’s almost always a joy. Now, you occasionally end up talking to someone who confesses to you that their post-nuclear dream life is to be a mother figure to a band of semi-aware ghouls. Goofy in the moment, but makes for a great story to share over a beer!
  • Markoff 7mo ago
    I used to do this during long travel in planes, buses or trains when I was single backpacker. Now traveling with my own family is just exhausting chore and I couldn't care less about stranger sitting next to me, I heard enough stories for whole my life since I traveled a lot. Recently I traveled with my mother to China and she was excited to talk with some girl next to her on long flight, I didn't find any value gained from such conversation and would rather watch a movie (or outside window is that was an option) and find it harder and harder older I get to see the added value.
    • tnel77 7mo ago
      I can see how that could happen, but I’d argue that the “value added” is just the opportunity to talk to someone. I was once decently intoxicated on a subway ride home and I saw a man looking at the floor who seemed upset. I asked him how he was doing and he said “alright.” We chatted a little and he randomly asked me, “do you have a brother?” I told him I did and he asked me, “is there anything your brother could do that would be unforgivable?” I said, “I’m sure there are things he could do that would be beyond forgiveness, but I would have to think long and hard about given how permanent that decision could be. Cutting someone out of your life can be a good thing, but make sure it’s what you think is right because you may never have the opportunity to undo it.” He seemed to really appreciate the advice and went on his way. I’m not sure what his brother did, but I hope they are able to figure it out. Those types of interactions are (IMO) one of life’s little pleasures.
• notepad0x90 7mo ago
  > People are lovely. Go out and try it. I hope this is not an inappropriate question, but are you by any chance fit and/or attractive? I've heard that and being well dressed affects your experience with people a lot. For me it's a mix, the majority at least try to be decent and pleasant, no argument there. But as with many other things, the minority who aren't tend to have a much bigger impact. Honestly, I'd take just being safe from violence from people is good enough for me, even that isn't a given.
  • b40d-48b2-979e 7mo ago
    I'd take just being safe from violence from people You might want to adjust your media diet because society often isn't just randomly violent.
    • wussboy 7mo ago
      I agree. 95% of violence is committed by men aged 15-25. If you wanted to be extra sure, just avoid that very specific group. But in general, minute by minute, nobody wants to be violent.
      • notepad0x90 7mo ago
        But then I'd be prejudiced. Stereotypes exist because they have a certain good degree of accuracy, but that doesn't make them right. For the sake of that one person in that group that didn't do anything wrong, I have to try and be fair to the whole group.
        • tmp10423288442 7mo ago
          This is where you use this stereotype to do a more detailed evaluation of the person to decide if they're safe/worth engaging with, or avoid them entirely if it's not worth it to you. You might bring in other stereotypes at this point and apply this process recursively until you have no more statistical regularities to use to guide your behavior.
        • 7mo ago
• astura 7mo ago
  >People are lovely. That just hasn't been my experience.
• inanutshellus 7mo ago
  The "Helping You Not Become Your Parents" commercials (from some insurance company I think) make me sad. They're basically making fun of people for trying to connect. I'm in a spot where I don't really bump into strangers much but, as a recovering introvert I've tried to talk to people like this and it feels AMAZING. Like... irrational levels of amazing vibes. It's so frustrating seeing my own kids be horrified by it and be hyper-introverted and disdainful of connecting with strangers. Lessons you learn the hard way -- then fail to pass onto the next generation -- hurt.
  • criddell 7mo ago
    > They're basically making fun of people for trying to connect. I had the same thought. The clueless people turning into their parents are charming and genuine. The life coach guy is kind of a dick. Reminds me of Apple's "I'm a PC, And I'm a Mac" ads from Apple. I always understood the point they were trying to make, but the PC character was so much more likable than the Mac.
    • throwway120385 7mo ago
      The Mac guy was such a try-hard. "I'm cool and kind of edgy over here and you're just a dope for being sincere."
  • ericmcer 7mo ago
    Talking to strangers is actually kind of nice as an introvert, there is very low pressure as you have no obligation to the person and you can end the conversation at any time. I find it much nicer than talking to friends of friends or the absolute worst for me... the boyfriends of my girlfriends friends. You are getting shoved together into a forced interaction that you know will be asked about in the near future.
    • 3acctforcom 7mo ago
      This is why I love IT conferences. I can chat up random strangers about topics that we're clearly both interested in. The vendors also send the most extroverted folks who are skilled in engaging introverted nerds. It's a great way for introverts to level up their social skills. And the best part is that I never talk to those folks again ;) I found out that I actually really like making fast friends, I just hate the obligation of long-term close-knit friendships.
• TiredOfLife 7mo ago
  > People are lovely They really are not.
• metalliqaz 7mo ago
  I have tried this at various times. But, while some people are lovely, there are some that are miserable and there are plenty that are simply... uninterested. When you are slightly awkward, not particularly attractive, and not wealthy, you have to get used to people just turning away, avoiding eye contact, expressing mild cues of disgust, and so forth. It's really quite painful to try.
• Stratoscope 7mo ago
  I have a couple of tricks that get people to talk to me. Well, they're not really tricks, just things I do anyway. One is that I wear an aloha shirt every day, and I shop at Trader Joe's. Quite often someone thinks I work there and asks me where to find something. I usually know where things are, and if I don't, I find them someone who actually does work there. One time the guy restocking the freezer said, "Nice aloha shirt! I bet people sometimes ask you where to find things." 30 seconds later, a lady walked up to me and asked if we carry organic bread. So I walked her over to the bread section and pointed out some organic options. Then back to the freezer section: "You were right!" Another trick is to take my cat Oakey for a walk in his cat stroller. People see the stroller and expect to see a baby in it, and are surprised to see a cat! Children walking with their parents especially love to see Oakey, and he enjoys the attention. Sometimes you just have to seize the moment. Last year I was at a friend's company summer picnic. One of her colleagues brought her ten year old son. He was wearing an astronomy T-shirt. They were sitting at another table, and as they got up I asked him, "Are you into astronomy?" "Yes." "I have a very important question for you. Pluto is still a planet, right?" "Yes it is!" We high-fived and I said, "Welcome to Team Pluto!" We've seen each other at subsequent company events. It is always fun to hang out with a fellow astronomy enthusiast of any age.
  • pimlottc 7mo ago
    I think an important parts of this is that "talking to someone" doesn't have to mean a long drawn-out conversation. Even just a few words back and forth is meaningful.
• exhaze 7mo ago
  > I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. I’ve been here since 2009 and this is one of the loveliest comments I’ve read. At face value, it may seem ‘duh!’.. but there’s a distinct aesthetic to it that resonated with me. Perhaps the best analogy I can think of is Asimov’s philosophy about writing. ‘I want the reader to forget they are reading as if my thoughts are being transmitted directly from my brain into theirs’ [sic] Recently, a research publication demonstrated that an LLM.. nah, not today. Sometimes knowing the underlying theory and deciding to disengage from it and just appreciate the moment is fine. Because I can go outside my apartment here in Tokyo right now and try it. I already do, but each of us has our own unique loveliness. So I’ll keep trying. Just because.
  • komali2 7mo ago
    Regarding Japan, and especially Tokyo though, chats with strangers seems nightmarishly difficult (assuming in Japanese). Maybe with tourists in English, but locals? The exception would be at a bar or similar but outside of that... Yeesh I get terrified even considering it.
• ericmcer 7mo ago
  That is a great reminder. I have a note at the beginning of my journal that says: 'Stand up straight, eye contact, smile', because I constantly need to remember that or I will look down, slouch and move through the world barely interacting with anyone.
• graypegg 7mo ago
  Probably at least once a week, you're going to see someone drop something, press the wrong button on the elevator, try to push on the pull door etc. My own stress always peeks when I'm in public and trip up on something minor like that. If you just shout "hey you need help?" you're probably not going to make them feel any better and doubly worse if you just avoid eye contact and walk around them. When that happens to me, it can reaaaally sour a morning. But saying "they really need to make these doors automatic, I dropped my coffee here last week!" and helping out if they want it has the EXACT opposite effect. Suddenly, it's not embarrassing any more, and you might have a little convo commiserating about what sucks. It's just a little bit of connection to make someone's day a bit better which is definitely a win-win and good way of breaking the seal on talking to folks.
  • voidmain0001 7mo ago
    Maybe it's age related, but if any of the scenarios you wrote happened to me, I would not be embarrassed receiving someone's assistance.
  • sublinear 7mo ago
    > If you just shout "hey you need help?" ... There's also another more neutral option. Just give them the answer they need without the fluff. If they then want to thank you and chat it's their choice, but completely optional. This is probably not the right approach most of the time, but it works well on the types of people who seem "serious" (not anxious or upset). This is a really hard one to pull off. You have to determine that they really are that type of person and then just magically know what they want. It's really satisfying when it works though. I've met some of the most interesting people I've ever known that way.
  • MyHonestOpinon 7mo ago
    Coming up with the right phrase in the moment sounds risky. Is there another phrase you can use to offer help ?
    • tartoran 7mo ago
      Build your own repertoire of expressions by picking what you like. You could even use AI to make lists of such phrases if nothing comes to mind. Take the ones you like and use whatever suits you. At some point it'll become automatic.
• stronglikedan 7mo ago
  I try to talk to everyone but it gets exhausting since most people don't seem to want to talk. And in almost every instance, I had a feeling they wouldn't. Go with your gut and don't try to talk to everyone if you're like me and don't want to replay awkward conversations in your head for the rest of the night.
• dostick 7mo ago
  And how is it going with women?