10 ms·

The year I didn't survive

• deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
• ErigmolCt 2y ago
  This is one of the most devastatingly beautiful pieces of writing I've ever read.
  • SamPatt 2y ago
    Agreed. I don't usually cry reading an HN post. It pulls no punches, and is completely devoid of self pity. Relentless, ruthless reality, coming close to detachment even, but it's all so personal. Incredible post.
• __lbracket__ 2y ago
  I know it wasn't the intention of the author in the slightest, but I feel so small and incapable after reading that piece. Good luck bess.
• wonger_ 2y ago
  Very sad. In case you didn't open the link yet, this is from the widow of Jake Seliger, who was very active on HN: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=jseliger https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=jseliger. He died a few months ago. Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal.
  • LorenDB 2y ago
    Checked his profile. His last comment was an archive.ph link to bypass a paywall. If that's not a great HN legacy, I don't know what is.
    • DC-3 2y ago
      It was on the day he died, too.
    • LorenzoGood 2y ago
      I noticed the same. What a guy.
  • tasuki 2y ago
    > Grieving while being a new mom must be brutal. As always, yes and no. I'm a single father, my partner died when our daughter was 1.5 years old. A baby requires constant attention and care, so I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing. That said, I quite miss the abundant free time I used to have in my other life. Nowadays is constant battle about the littlest things. I pour the milk the wrong way and get screamed at for 15 minutes.
    • Trollmann 2y ago
      > I didn't quite have the option of falling into some kind of depression and just doing nothing Don't know if this was your intention but this comes across as if having a depression was a choice, which it rarely is with any kind of illness.
      • sneak 2y ago
        Not sure why you’re being downvoted; plenty of new parents let mental illness come between them and their responsibilities to their child/ren. They didn’t have the option of neglecting their kids either; somehow it doesn’t stop them from doing so anyway.
        • tasuki 2y ago
          Wikipedia says "Depression is a mental state of low mood and aversion to activity" - that's what I meant. Mental illness is I think a different thing. Depression doesn't imply mental illness, nor does mental illness imply depression. I understand and agree that many people let mental illness come between them and whatever. It's a problem. It's just a different problem.
        • s1artibartfast 2y ago
          Yet you used the word "let", which implies agency and choice.
      • tasuki 2y ago
        It's difficult to say what is a choice and what isn't. Is anything my choice? Perhaps the world is deterministic, so nothing is anyone's choice. But also, I have seen people who seemingly choose to wallow in their grief. Also what is depression? I'm very sad that my partner died. I miss her. Some people have a chemical imbalance in their body. These are entirely different things. Perhaps I shouldn't have used that word, which has so many different meanings as to lose meaning altogether. When you have a kid and don't want to get out of bed the whole day, eventually the kid is hungry enough to start screaming, and it will keep screaming until you get out of bed and feed it. It really is in everyone's mutual interest, depression or not. It's harder to stay depressed when you have to do things. It's easier to stay depressed when you can lie in bed the whole day.
  • ErigmolCt 2y ago
    I just hope she has the support she needs
    • pbronez 2y ago
      If you want to help, she has a Go Fund Me here https://www.gofundme.com/f/secure-a-bright-future-for-bess-and-athena/cl/d?utm_campaign=pd_ss_icons&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link&attribution_id=sl%3A152c6d19-fc6d-421f-95c1-aaae1fb6a591 https://www.gofundme.com/f/secure-a-bright-future-for-bess-a...
      • ErigmolCt 2y ago
        I appreciate you sharing this.
• jackconsidine 2y ago
  Oh man, I’m really sorry to see Jake passed. I read their updates every few months when they’d land on HN; it made me sad to see the past tense of “dying” this time. Rest in peace
  • dredmorbius 2y ago
    The death announcement FWIW: <https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41201555 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41201555>
• kbarmettler 2y ago
  Her words lived.
• light_hue_1 2y ago
  Remember this tragedy and the millions like it when you read the news today. Trump and Musk are killing the very research that has a shot at saving lives and preventing these families from being torn apart. NIH and NSF are being gutted. Universities won't be able to do bio research at all under the new 15% cap on NIH indirect costs. These decisions which save no appreciable amount of money have a real impact on people whose children must now grow up without them. As a new father this is really heartbreaking.
  • bamboozled 2y ago
    It's really hard to comprehend, and what's more incredible is that people are "cheering" for this? What the actual hell is going on.
    • zmgsabst 2y ago
      People don’t believe indirect costs actually fund research and accordingly see this as directing more money into important, life-saving research. From their perspective, the origin of this thread is someone using a tragedy to emotionally manipulate on behalf of bloated institutions and their administrations — and every bit as monstrous as you believe their views are. Perhaps even more so.
      • light_hue_1 2y ago
        Bio research needs buildings. Electricity, heat, lights need to be on in those buildings and they need maintenance. Labs need equipment and often very specialized and expensive space. Not to mention someone needs to do accounting, payroll, taxes, immigration, maintenance, legal, ethics, etc. And all of these people need facilities, offices, computers, etc. Just like any corporation! These are indirect costs. You cannot do research without them. What's going to happen if the government cuts off most indirect costs is that we're going to be forced to do research that can be covered by those costs. So, no, more money isn't going to go to better research. It's going to go to much worse research and it will be a massive waste. Instead of doing the best research I can, I'll need to think about the lowest overhead projects so that my department doesn't go bankrupt. That means taking no risks, avoiding new data collection, not starting up anything radically new that might not have an immediate payoff, etc. That's a bad deal for everyone! Good scientists don't want to do bad research. The best will leave. This will destroy the lead that the US has in science and technology over the rest of the world. Never mind kill countless people who would have been saved by new treatments.
• dsign 2y ago
  That terrible brutal grief is what death leaves us every time. I remember Jake's posts. He fought, and he all of us to fight. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZYNADOHhVY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZYNADOHhVY
• Zebfross 2y ago
  Having a child is hard, so having a child by yourself must be harder. All I know is that our hearts don't fill up and can always fit more love.
• tombert 2y ago
  It's weird how a series of big things happening in a short period of time changes who you are as a person, and not always for the better. When I failed to stop an acquaintance from killing himself a few years ago [1], it really fucked me up. I barely knew the guy, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling guilty over it, and I still have nightmares about it. It led to a severe funk of depression that I still haven't gotten over, and it's led to poor sleep, poor performance at work, an increased irritability towards pretty much everyone, and I'm not completely convinced that that will ever stop. I've seen therapists, taken various medications for depression and PTSD, trauma dumped onto pretty much anyone who will listen, and I think I'm a worse person now than I was in 2021. I guess the likelihood of an event like this happening approaches 1 as you get older, but it doesn't mean it's not terrible. [1] Written in some detail here https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29185822 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29185822
  • danparsonson 2y ago
    I was reflecting just yesterday how, as we get older, gradually more and more of those who have been part of our sphere for significant portions of our lives (whether direct acquaintances, or just people who we know because of their public actions) begin to leave us, and how everyone who passes, whoever they are and however well we knew them, leaves a space that can't be filled. I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference.
    • tombert 2y ago
      > I'm truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope you find comfort. Reading through your other post it seems likely to me that nothing you said or did could have made any difference. Yeah I know, that's not really why I feel guilty, at least not exactly. I feel guilty because I noticed signs of someone who was suicidal, and explicitly chose to not do anything. Even if nothing would have changed, I still think I should have tried to do something, even if it was futile. It feels like the universe was giving me a character test, and it feels like I failed it. I would like to think that when push comes to shove, I'd do the right thing, at least in regards to someone's life being on the line, but I guess at some fundamental level that's simply not true, or at least it wasn't in 2021. I mean, I realize that no good comes from feeling bad about myself over it, certainly not for three years, but human psychology is pretty annoying sometimes.
• homefree 2y ago
  The other posts on her substack are also worth reading (and the earlier ones from his perspective) - I read through a bunch of them last August when one was posted. A tragic story well told, something that waits for all of us.
  • smackeyacky 2y ago
    The only measure for love is loss
    • trogdor 2y ago
      I don’t understand that at all. Would you explain what you mean?
      • sgseliger 2y ago
        I can take a crack. This is Jake's brother, Sam. The Japanese poet Yakamochi wrote: We were together Only a little while And we believed our love Would last a thousand years.
• darkknight107 2y ago
  So sad to hear. I know the words of a stranger probably do not matter but trust me when I say this, you'll get through this. Sending you virtual hugs.
• CobaltFire 2y ago
  My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his care closely, being at his bedside all hours, having to scream at nurses to call away a code because he couldn't breathe (anaphylaxis), and a ton of other things. All of this while working 50+ hours a week, including remotely from his bedside. It's like I burnt out that part of me. Maybe I'm slowly healing? But I don't feel like it. I get minutes or hours when I can hit that stride again and it's absolutely terrifying to realize that I can no longer keep it up. I don't know that this comment adds anything to her story. I just felt like I understood her on a level that's hard to communicate and had the urge to share that.
  • justforaoneoff 2y ago
    COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of energy, love and patience I took for granted again. Which is all to say, I hear you.
    • throwcatowayne 2y ago
      Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized in the ER from covid... I remember feeling at the time that my mental gears were breaking and doing permanent damage. Those 6 months felt like such a short time that fundamentally changed me from a cheery person to permanently somber. I quit my job in 2021, physically incapable of continuing and wanting to end it all, thinking if I just make it through each month it'll eventually get better and it never has. It only got worse like the universe kept ratcheting up the difficulty. My abusive partner only got more abusive as I didn't have a job (but paid all our bills) and couldn't muster any energy towards relationship milestones as the abuse and depression crippled me. Years of enduring this only led to now being abandoned and feeling worse than ever, like there is no upside worth the calamitous downsides in life.
• dottjt 2y ago
  While not quite the same, my partner was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a few months ago, a few days after my daughter's 1st birthday. I think one thing I worry about is my daughter possibly not growing up with a mother. Like how that will affect her. It's been traumatic for myself personally, but it hasn't been ...I'm still highly functional and I'm still continuing to live life to the fullest.
  • zeagle 2y ago
    I am really sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you have family and friends supporting you guys. <3
  • eckesicle 2y ago
    My wife died suddenly when my son was two years old. He’s almost seven now. So far, he’s completely fine without her. He claims he has memories of her, but I think he just remembers photos and videos that we’ve watched together. I don’t think he knows what he’s missing.
    • dottjt 2y ago
      Do you think it's important for your child to have a relationship his mother, if that makes any sense at all? Like do you celebrate her birthday etc. How do you retain that connection, or do you just leave it in the past?
      • eckesicle 2y ago
        To your first question, I don’t know. We do celebrate her birthday, light a candle whenever we walk past a church / go into a temple etc. If I’m brutally honest I think it’s more for my own sake than his. To retain the connection, we look at photos together every week and I tell him stories about her, and their relationship. I spoke to him just now, and he says that he misses her but is unable to articulate how. Perhaps these ceremonies will grow more important over time, and as he grows older perhaps he will appreciate that we took the time to celebrate her. I have an adult friend, who lost his mother at a young age too. He tells me that he only really started to miss her once he got older, around 12, and as an adult. He doesn’t remember who she was or why, but he misses the idea of having had family dinners at home every day etc. The dynamic in a household is very different when there is one adult and one child at home, versus two adults to a child.
• j_bum 2y ago
  So expressively and beautifully written.
• dcchambers 2y ago
  Beautifully written but...heartbreaking. Hard to get through this one. In a few years I probably won't be able to. I'm a married father of two, and every year stories like this hit me harder.
• tw19disaster 2y ago
  Throwaway account. I'm fairly open about this, but don't really want it associated for all time with me. About a year after my marriage split up I went to the marriage of someone close to me. During the ceremony I had severe chest pains and was pretty sure I was having a heart attack. I didn't want to disturb the ceremony (they were exchanging rings!) so I figured I'd wait 5 minutes then get up and call an ambulance. The pain went away, and I didn't do anything about it for a while. Later I had a panic attack when at a new GF's place and had to leave. Eventually I went to a therapist, and they pointed out these are symptoms of PTSD and trauma. Anyway, I'm fine now. But it wasn't until I had the physical symptoms that I believed the impact of these things wasn't just something I could ignore.
  • Magi604 2y ago
    Possibly takotsubo, "Broken Heart Syndrome"? https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy-broken-heart-syndrome https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/takotsubo-cardio... Being at a wedding might trigger a strong physical reaction from your breakup.
  • a-french-anon 2y ago
    Wizard here, that's totally normal. Just life giving you a little nudge to remind you you're not dead! The only way to deal with it is to grit your teeth and clench your butt. Once you can endure that pain while remaining calm enough to hear Bateman narrate my pain is constant and sharp... in your mind, you'll be "alright".
• deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
• j3s 2y ago
  we are millions of streams that never stop flowing -- but we love to pretend that there's consistency to it. we like to imagine ourselves as a continuous person. but we're not. we change, moment to moment, forever, endlessly -- it doesn't stop, ever. not when we go to sleep. not when we go through a traumatic event. not when we die. a stark reminder of our fragility. i hope the author can find peace.
• darknavi 2y ago
  I have yet to have a reason to use this, but I keep it in my pocket until do. > Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it anymore, draw back a little and have a cup of tea. > > — Elder Sophrony of Essex It's a quote from the end of Lars Doucet's post, Losing my son. Stay strong, and if not strong, then just stay. https://www.fortressofdoors.com/i-lost-my-son/ https://www.fortressofdoors.com/i-lost-my-son/
  • ErigmolCt 2y ago
    Sometimes, strength isn't about fighting through... it's just about making it to the next moment, the next breath, the next cup of tea.
• deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
• sytelus 2y ago
  Amazing writing. When you become parent, the person you were at that point goes away. Growing as parent is part of letting that person go.
• lux 2y ago
  Sisyphean is the word I’ve come back to a lot myself since my wife took her life on November 6, 2024. Feeling like I’m now trying to live for both of us, grasping at ways of honouring her memory despite the incredible love we had being unable to “save” her, and somehow not at all myself anymore, but having to keep moving forward feels hopeless beyond belief. I lost my dad suddenly just two months prior, and my grandma shortly before that, but the loss of your partner (and in this manner after she refused help and I watched helplessly as she spiralled in her last year) eclipses any grief or pain I had experienced before or could have even imagined. But I wanted to show a little appreciation for the OP and others on here sharing their devastating losses. Knowing love inevitably turns into grief but that that is a more universal experience makes me feel a little less alone. Small blessings but at points like these, we take whatever morsels we can get.
  • MarkMarine 2y ago
    Brother, I can't say anything that will make it better, but all I can offer is what gets me through grief that I've been living with for 20 years: They wouldn't want me to carry it like this. They always wanted the best for me, and walking around like a husk, missing them isn't it. I hope it gets better for you. It has for me.
    • patcon 2y ago
      Ah I'm crying. Thank you both, for your honesty. These little bits of stories feel like reserves I hope I never need so badly, but I likely will, and so I'm grateful.
      • WarOnPrivacy 2y ago
        It is interesting what might become fuel one day. I was 14 when, within months: my mom's dad died, my dad died, my mom was diagnosed with the melanoma that took her 7 years later, a fire took the longtime family home. And she developed trigeminal neuralgia - a 9-10 for pain and she had it on both sides of her face. All of this impacted her. And us. For her part, she carried on with work and managing a family. Fast forward. Well into my own marriage, my wife spiraled into mental health issues that subjected the kids and I to decades of sabotage, abuse and ceaseless, exhausting catastrophes. I too learned that when I am hallowed out, I can continue on. When I am beyond my own help, someone else might not be and there might be something I can do. At this point, helping others is pure self preservation.
• sgt 2y ago
  Odd, I have the Substack app (on my phone). When I click on the link, I'm sent to the Substack app, which subsequently sends me back to the website, which suggests I open the app, then I open the app, and I see the Substack app without the article.
• l5870uoo9y 2y ago
  “A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy” by William Irvine has an entire chapter dedicated to letting go of past trauma and moving forward. The Stoic advice was “fatalism”. The Stoics' advice was “fatalism” in relation to the events that fate deals us. This is in stark contrast to the psychologizing approach of modernity where everything must be turned around and the answer must be found, preferably within the individual. Here is an excerpt where author William Irvine highlights Marcus Aurelius' thoughts on fate and grief: > Marcus also advocates taking a fatalistic attitude toward life. To do otherwise is to rebel against nature, and such rebellions are counterproductive, if what we seek is a good life. In particular, if we reject the decrees of fate, Marcus says, we are likely to experience tranquility-disrupting grief, anger, or fear. To avoid this, we must learn to adapt ourselves to the environment into which fate has placed us and do our best to love the people with whom fate has surrounded us. We must learn to welcome whatever falls to our lot and persuade ourselves that whatever happens to us is for the best. Indeed, according to Marcus, a good man will welcome “every experience the looms of fate may weave for him. Today, when I experience regrets and sadness that I can't control, I think; it couldn't have happened any other way.
  • CTDOCodebases 2y ago
    > Today, when I experience regrets and sadness that I can't control, I think; it couldn't have happened any other way. I think of things in a similar way. All possibilities collapse into the only outcome that was ever truly inevitable. Reality is like the centre of a ven diagram with an infinite amount of circles. No "would of" no "should of' or "could of". Just "is". Only once we accept something can we move past it. Some people don't like this idea but I think that they just don't understand or want to acknowledge how much power the current moment holds. There is a lot more suffering to be had when we try to escape our current suffering. A good example of this is drug addicts. On a long enough time line all forms of escapism eventually turn into prisons. If you are reading this and want to disagree or explore these ideas I suggest the following. Sleep 2-4hrs one night then take a cold shower in the morning. As you find your mind and body trying to move away from the discomfort accept your circumstance. Stand still with the water passing over your face and focus on the freshness and crispness of the icy cold water.
• willy158 2y ago
  fk COVID, I lost my mother
• satisfice 2y ago
  This is beautiful writing.
• WarOnPrivacy 2y ago
  When I look in the mirror now, I notice all the places where my body reveals what I’ve been through. And I wonder, in a way that I wouldn’t if Jake were still alive, how this new body appears to others who don’t view it through a lens of love. At 20 I fell hard for a 35yo. We also became close friends and my pursuit of her was almost separate and apart. After a very long time I conceded; I met other people and eventually started a family with one of them. 35 years down the road I am single again and thought of that girl who didn't happen. I did a little digging and found a recent selfie she'd taken. She's in her 70s and I still see the same artist and dancer I fell for a lifetime ago. That she stayed with me that way - it makes me feel hopeful about what people can be to each other.
  • actionfromafar 2y ago
    That's beautiful, thank you.
    • wvh 2y ago
      Beautiful in that painfully human way, I agree.
  • kragen 2y ago
    Give her a call. Your lifetime isn't over yet! She may be open to your love now, and likely would at least want to revive your friendship.
    • WarOnPrivacy 2y ago
      Thank you for this hopeful suggestion. I think a relationship isn't in the cards, atm. In her case, I live 1k miles away from her life. More generally, me+5sons live in tight quarters with all incomes needed to make basic bills. What I left out of my OP is I was competing with her longtime boyfriend and my odds never were good (I did come close a few times tho). He owned an upscale restaurant, for starters. He was also a genuinely good guy. I know they were together a long while; I'd be happy if they still were. Regardless, I'll be up that way this fall and hopefully we can get caught up.
• wwilim 2y ago
  Grief and postpartum is a very dangerous combination. I know someone who landed in a mental facility for 5 weeks when her baby was barely 4 months old. Seek help, consult a psychiatrist, get therapy. Don't be afraid of medication, there are antidepressants that don't filter into your milk, and the doctor will know which ones they can safely give you, just tell them you're breastfeeding. You can manage going to therapy with a baby, many therapists allow you to bring your child. Don't let other people take control when they assume you're weak and failing, you're not. Take care.
• anal_reactor 2y ago
  You all are writing about the loss of loved ones, and I'm like > You guys had loved ones? There's so much societal attention to loss, but any complaint about the inability to form meaningful relationships in the first place is usually met with enthusiastic "git gud". Nobody cares about the slow burnout of knowing that you'll always be on your own. Which makes sense if you think about it. A person going through loss must've had the skills to get what they want in the first place, which means they might useful to the society, they deserve a second chance. A person who cannot get what they want most likely is inherently incapable of reaching their goals, which means they're not as useful, and not worth crying over. It's like all those people paying attention to celebrities and their problems, but ignoring the homeless. The former might release another beautiful song, the latter will not.
  • saagarjha 2y ago
    People don't form meaningful relationships with celebrities. Relationships are actually largely divorced from what is "useful to society".
    • anal_reactor 2y ago
      > Relationships are actually largely divorced from what is "useful to society". Adorable. Your mom loves you because it's tremendously beneficial to the survival of the species and the culture, not because of some higher ideals.
  • starluz 2y ago
    [dead]
  • dwaltrip 2y ago
    Loss of what of could have been can be just as painful as loss of what was. I hear you. Your feelings are valid. Wishing you best and sending love.
• lynx97 2y ago
  I lost my father when I was 13. I never had a really good relationship to my mother. After 2 years of grieving, she directly went into a subtle type of depression. She basically soaked me in her negativity until I was finally able to move out. We have a very bad relationship these days, mostly because she is still unable to fathom how much pain she caused me in the 4 years I had to stay with her. Whatever it is you are fighting with, never forget that you have far more subtle influence on your kids ten you might think. Letting things slide can have far more devastating conseuqneces to your relationships then you might think. If you dont get your act together, you might end up as an estranged parent a decade or two down the road.
  • dredmorbius 2y ago
    It's critically important to note that whilst some people have loving families and strong relationships, many don't. Along with all else, this generally makes dealing with loss both harder (fewer support options) and increasingly conflicted (grief but also often some measure of relief). Not to mention the awkwardness of customary expressions of grief or compassion, whether rituals or specific words and phrases. I'm sorry for what you've gone through but appreciate your sharing it.
• tdullien 2y ago
  This resonates with me very deeply. In the last few months of my 40th year, I exited my 2nd company - somewhat against my wishes (although I could've chosen differently). The day that deal closed my mother went into coma after complications from a routine hip surgery, and died after 9 weeks of intensive care. A few months later my dad had a brain hemorrhage leading to dementia; and due to a variety of factors I ended up taking care of a 4 year old and a 2 year old alone during weekdays; the emotional fabric of my marriage fell apart too. It was a quadruple loss - losing the company I wanted to continue, losing my mother (who had provided emotional support), my father (who had previously been full of good advice), and then realizing that the support system that remained was not available. Obviously this is different from losing a partner and father-of-a-child to cancer, but emotionally I recognize my own state ca. 2.5 years ago in this article - complete with the realization that the person I was before all of this is not around any more. For quite a number of people the early 40s have some pretty brutal transitions in store. That said, the nadir of the grief and loss is also in the rear-view mirror, and a few years later things are definitely looking up. We may not be the person we used to be, but there is such a thing as wisdom, and I think I have a much more nuanced and empathetic world view today, and a deeper appreciation of the value of lifetime.
  • kamaal 2y ago
    >>For quite a number of people the early 40s have some pretty brutal transitions in store. For me it was caring for my dad in the hospital during COVID and his surgeries around the time. I had to often wake in the nights to drain his catheter. For some reasons, my mom would find it disgusting. And for some reason, not only did I not, my love for him only increased. We also spent a lot of time together which made me almost see him as an entirely a different person than the one I had known all life. It also increased my respect for him tremendously. 40s is such a coming of age time for us men. Its almost like the dawn of a new age. My knees do feel like they hurt slight. Like just a little. And of course the hair begin to grey. All of a sudden you are in a totally different phase of life altogether.
    • FlyingSnake 2y ago
      I lost my father in the big Covid wave of May ‘21 and it took me a while to get over that intense trauma. That, along with the midlife crisis hit harder and I can feel that I’m not the same person anymore. I now find myself doing things that I’ve never thought of doing before. Things like regular 10K runs, climbing mountains, solo trips etc. maybe it’s the sense of urgency that we feel after a major event. Interestingly during that crisis a comment I found on HN about a book (Hannibal and me) helped me a lot to overcome that phase.
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• Narann 2y ago
  > Friends have told me that they’re relieved I seem “like myself” even after everything that’s happened. I don’t understand how that’s possible when I frequently don’t feel like I have a self to be. Jake and I became so entangled in these last few years that it still seems like many of my thoughts belong to both of us. I can only recommend to read « Éloge de l'amour » from Alain Badiou (and Nicolas Truong). It defends love as a conscientious and willing alterity of yourself, but a non-controlled alterity, an alterity puts in the hands of another. That’s why, I think, people does not help that much someone that lost a love saying him/her will be more focused on them-self. Because the lost was absolute part of them-self, and not something they actually suffer from.
• t43562 2y ago
  When my parents died, starting with my mum that shattered the world. My family didn't stay together. I was cut adrift. Time does heal though. It never stops you loving someone but it lets you gradually put something together out of the wreckage. The person you loved is no longer in pain, no longer suffering. The problem is feeling that nothing can replace the hole blown in your world. Nothing does replace it exactly but you gradually build a different structure that makes life bearable. Other people need you (especially your child) to create that structure for them and when you start to do it you will see the value of overcoming your own pain.
• deleted 2y ago
  [deleted]
• peakwritting 2y ago
  > And in the darkest hours, of which there are many, I try to remind myself that I didn’t know what happiness looked like before I had it the first time, either. I'm sorry to deflate the mood, but holy damn, that is one banger of a line. So much said so briefly.
  • llsf 2y ago
    So many profound lines. The beauty in the tragedy.
• b3lvedere 2y ago
  Beautiful words. I am so sorry for all that hardship. I know it sucks. There is no right path. All i can type is that it reminded me of some music and songtext that may or may not help give it all a place and time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpV3fO5Alto https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpV3fO5Alto
• a3w 2y ago
  Should we have a content warning for all the bad stuff happening here? Holy shit, I am in tears after two paragraphs.
  • Out_of_Characte 2y ago
    I dont think the title is hiding its intend
• wegfawefgawefg 2y ago
  not intending to be rude but this probably doesnt belong on hacker news. I come here to read about tech.
  • SamPatt 2y ago
    I couldn't disagree more strongly. Her husband was a frequent HN user, and their story was known here. This is a continuation. I love seeing the human side of HN. This is an extremely unique perspective, a beautifully written but horrific snapshot of a woman's life when her husband - a man like many of us - dies prematurely while she's pregnant. It's relevant in ways that another LLM article can't be.
    • wegfawefgawefg 2y ago
      whatever dude ive got like three major deaths in my family and more coming. this is just poetic literature. this is HACKER news not lit girl orange reddit.
  • coldpie 2y ago
    I understand why you feel that way. There's a little "Hide" button under every story. It makes the stuff you're not interested in go away. There's no shame in using it. Story's gone, no harm done, move on to stuff you are interested in instead.
    • wegfawefgawefg 2y ago
      sure but thats true about the entire internet. people dont come here for sad life stories they come here for hacker news. if people post stuff like this I cant find the cool tech news, and people who want to post or see cool tech news wont post or comment on it either. there is a dynamic range of attention on the front page and this consumes it. I see it as an emotional ddos attack. Because you cant criticize it. If you do people get mad. This post is like a viral email that tells you to resend or else you hate jesus or something. Plus it just violates common sense. why dont i go to cats.com to see some cats. oh thats weird its all sad posts about dogs that ran away. "why dont we post that on dogs.com". then they get mad at me because its insensetive or something. sucks dogs ran away but why even come to cats.com if its all dog posts. Half of hacker news posts are midlife crisis posts some days and when it hits that threshold i cant find anything about lisp or compilers or whatever, I leave and dont come back for months and then you lose the tech interest. curation is important. somebody died. thats sad. makes u sad. maybe deep to some people. but its not hacking news. theres nothing novel about this post or perspective anyway. somebody important dies in your life you get sad and have to rebuild and forget. youll have to redesign your own personal religion to get through it. it sucks this person was sad. its the worst thing in the world to them. hope they get better. okay but i dont want to see it on coolcatpics.com. and THIS is HACKER NEWS.
• MisterBastahrd 2y ago
  I can relate. I am a stubborn person, but I also have childhood trauma that sank its way deep into me. I had a gigantic fear of relaying any negative information to my family because they would often turn it back against me regardless of whether I was at fault or not. So I just didn't respond, even when things were pretty bad. About a month ago, I checked myself into a local hospital. I had severe ascites. My CO2 levels were 70%. My heart ejection fraction was 20%. I could barely walk much less breathe. I weighed 340 pounds. I had severe edema to the point that not only could I not put on socks, but flip flops barely fit on my feet. I could sit, tilt backward, and the edema in my back would act as a kickstand. Drinking a cup of coffee or eating anything more than half a burger would put me into a bout of physical pain that would last 2+ hours, and the only way to get past it was to lay down. The hospital staff did paracentesis on me. They extracted 6, 10, 17, and 4 liters from me via a tube shoved into my abdomen. They put me on an around the clock Lasix drip and put a catheter in me. I urinated 2 gallons a day for 2 weeks. I entertained myself by watching the tube running from my junk to the catheter drainage bag, watching as I would periodically have bloody urine because I was passing kidney stones with so much force that they didn't have time to hurt due to the sheer amount of fluid coming off of me. After those 2 weeks, I weighed 215 pounds. My heart's ejection fraction improved to 50%. Turns out my right lung did not have a connection to my right artery. And I have an unknown mass in my right kidney that they suspect is cancer. I had basically been operating my entire life with half an oxygen supply. As a teen, I had big time CFB athletic talent but didn't have the stamina and it was frustrating. And now I knew why. My right heart had started to weaken. They did ultrasounds and CT scans and angiographs. The cardiologist said that my heart had no signs of damage and my arteries were completely fine, so at least I had that going for me. So after not having seen a doctor since 1992, I was stuck in a hospital for a month getting around the clock medication and daily blood work and weekly paracentesis (which will be happening forever). All my blood work is normal. I also have AFib, which is the main thing they need to treat and might even help to fix some of the backflow which causes my abdomen to fill with fluid. My blood pressure is normal for the first time since I was 6 years old. When I entered the hospital, it was 187/114. Now it's 105/80. So in the course of a month, I went from having no doctor and no time in a hospital to a month long hospital stay accompanied with short term disability and a prognosis of needing weekly drainings forever along with 4 specialists and a primary care physician and about 8 prescriptions. I also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever after having struck out multiple times with Betterhealth goons who wouldn't listen and kept trying to make me meditate. I am a fundamentally different person than I was when I went in. I refuse to be that person ever again. I will prioritize my own needs over other people's feelings. I will be active because I want to be. I've got a plan to take my life back from the depression that hung over it for years. I have 3 or 4 product ideas that would make a hospital stay better and make the staff's lives easier without dealing with HIPAA. So yes, it sucked, yes, it was expensive, but it helped me gain perspective and while I wish I wasn't sick, otherwise it was totally worth it.
• maurits 2y ago
  This vividly remembers me of "The Year of Magical Thinking" [1] It hit hard, and I didn't finish the book. [1]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Year_of_Magical_Thinking https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Year_of_Magical_Thinking
  • AbstractH24 2y ago
    Very good recommendation
• Balgair 2y ago
  We had a similar thing happen to us in COIVD. My child was born and a few weeks later, my FiL died. We were the primary caretakers for both as one came into the world and one went out. One thing I will suggest is a death doula. Birth doulas are very good if you can afford them and worth the money, at least ours was. I really wish we'd gotten a death doula too, to help out with all the dumb things about dying. The paperwork, the adult diapers, the cleaning of a large human, bedsores, the funeral homes, etc. It's a lot of dumb little things that add up in your head that will make it want to pop. Anyway, reading this piece was going back to a place and a person I was. I get that feeling of living on stress and adrenaline. I took up drinking at night to help out, and that wasn't smart, it wrecked the little sleep I was getting. I should have gone coffee addict or vaping instead. No, honestly, nothing was going to help in the end. I get the alonenese, the total burnout. For about 3 years afterwards, it was nothing but mechanical robot me. Not a lot of real feelings beside rage, which I barely had the energy for. The first year flus didn't help at all either. It is better, but like some Dr. Who transformation, I'm a new me now. I have all the memories, but I'm not the old person. I know that sounds like 'Duh, we're all like that dummy', but this time, maybe due to the compression and intensity, it feels different. Like, you thought your first kiss would change you, and it did, but not as much as you though it would. The experience of being a new parent and having that kid's grandfather die within a month, that changed me a lot more than I thought it would. And I really don't like who it changed me into. It gets better? Maybe, I don't know yet. I hope so.
  • giancarlostoro 2y ago
    > One thing I will suggest is a death doula. My in-laws already prepaid for their funeral burial and arrangement and my wife's, and his own fathers as well. So when it all happened, it as a lot less stress. It was still emotional, but everything was handled ahead of time. It might seem morbid to think about, but if you can preplan your funeral arrangements so your loved ones don't have to, it's definitely one of the better things you can do. Also leaves them free of having to foot the bill.
    • notwhereyouare 2y ago
      something of note though, if it's with a specific funeral home, plan to follow up with them yearly to make sure they are still around. Dad found that out the hard way when his mom passed. He called up the funeral home and the number was disconnected. He had to scramble NYE to find somebody to take the body and then scramble and replan everything because the funeral home had been investigated by the state after a fire and was no longer operational
• andygcook 2y ago
  If you didn't make it to the end of the article, there's a GoFundMe to help with care for Jake and Bess's daughter, Athena: https://www.gofundme.com/f/secure-a-bright-future-for-bess-and-athena https://www.gofundme.com/f/secure-a-bright-future-for-bess-a...
• solaire_oa 2y ago
  It's not directly related to the article, but the music video for "Moving On" by James is singularly the most moving video I've seen about coming to terms with death and birth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdcN4BRpmGI https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdcN4BRpmGI
• krunck 2y ago
  Just tears.
• NickC25 2y ago
  Just going through this thread has reinforced the stark reality that while my struggles and issues are real and difficult, I'm incredibly fortunate to not have had to (hopefully ever) fight some of the battles others here have had to face and/or are currently facing. My issues pale in comparison. You guys are some incredibly admirable and resilient people. Infinite respect.
• llsf 2y ago
  Not sure if this is biology only (turned 50) or COVID or intense (work in my case) life, but I also distinctly feel that I am clearly not the same for the past ~5 years. My self-diagnostic is mild burn out with a stressful work trying to get our start up to service, mild depression due I think to working remotely in my apartment, barely going outside even on weekend (my only human interactions are through zoom). I am trying to improve, but it feels that the energy spent during the past 5 years to dig that hole, is equal to energy to get out of that hole... and honestly at this point, I don't know if I can. Quitting could be an option, but I have been working since I was 20yo without interruption, never had to really interview, just got hired or pulled from current job. And that feels scary to me now over 50yo to quit and maybe change career for something more social and less taxing. I honestly do not know how long I can keep doing what I am currently doing. I need to keep myself in check to make sure that I do not go too far in that hole.
• shadowtree 2y ago
  This is ageing, for most people, unless you're one of the few lucky ones. Death and destruction is the outcome of age, on a molecular, cellular and mental level. The foundational issue addressed by religion, because how else to deal with the unfathomable dread of "nothing gets really better, ever". Take solace in the fact that this is true for most of your fellow creatures. The concept of a happy ending, living happily ever after is a dangerous illusion. The best part is likely in the middle, or not at all. The end is pretty much always shit. Zen, Stoicism, Rebirth ... so many concepts to cope with this simple, basic fact. You get born, you grow up - and then you start dying.
  • majkinetor 2y ago
    Very well said.
• lordfrito 2y ago
  I can relate -- without getting into too much detail, I lost my son at age 16 to an undiagnosed heart condition... same thing that took my mom when I was 7. It was genetic, and passed through me. I can't describe the depths of the grief I had, definitely changed me forever. I'll pass along some wisdom that was imparted to me at the time. A friend told me: "Life is for the living". I'm still here. It's my duty to keep carrying on in spite of it all. It's what my son and mom would have wanted. Honor their lives by carrying on in the life you still have.
• nextn 2y ago
  [flagged]
• bironran 2y ago
  "How is this our life?" I asked that question so many times (for reference, see my comment on Jake's thread https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41163619 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=41163619 ). I asked it of my late wife. I asked it of my therapist. I asked it of my daughter, when she was sleeping. "Is this my life now?" The first few months were terrible. Then things started to get better. Before anyone jumps and says "a few months?! That's nothing!", there's a thing called "anticipatory grief". Look it up. (Besides, each grief journey is individual. Besides, who are you to criticize me?). Then things stopped getting worse. For a while life was flat. Colorless. Dark. I moved through the motions. Dropped my daughter at preschool, worked from home, picked her up, went to the playground, went home, dinner, bedtime story, lie in bed doing nothing. Rinse and repeat. Go to sleep early to avoid feeling. Then it started getting better. And better. And even better than that. Therapy, meds, pushing (omg so much pushing), friends, a new love. Things got continuously better. I'll never forget that year, but I also now know that I can survive what I think is the 2nd worst thing that can happen to a person. I know it cannot break me. And I think Bess found that out too. Parts of us died with them, but new parts are growing. Parenthood parts. Discovery parts. I remember watching my wife to make sure she was breathing. Then at the hospital. Then she wasn't. And it was terrible. A loss I cannot even describe, a part of your own soul that is torn out of you. Yet, that part was painful. Not just that, also in pain. In some sense, I was relieved she was no longer in pain. Even more relived she didn't have to witness her mom passing away. The world turning darker and more despair filling in. She missed on milestones, but also on sadness. And, at the end, I miss her but that part, slowly, became more bearable. To Bess - I can't promise it'll be ok. No one can. But it'll get easier to bare.
  • bmoffatt 2y ago
    I’m happy to see the reference to your comment from last year again. It was a few months out from my wife’s passing, and your Irreverent Guide recommendation has been one of a few genuinely helpful things for me so far. At the time I passed over the children’s book suggestions, but my daughter might appreciate them now.
    • bironran 2y ago
• sonofhans 2y ago
  I’ve read this thread with familiarity and empathy and want to say: some people here are describing symptoms of PTSD. A traumatic event, however brief, can cause lasting repercussions in our body and mind. If you find yourself listless, ruminating over the event, scared, over-reactive, walking through a fog — and it goes on and you seemingly don’t get better — this is exactly what PTSD feels like. The initial conditions don’t have to be war or child abuse. A car accident can cause it. A variant, Complex-PTSD, is often caused by traumatic events over time that cannot be escaped, like caring for a dying loved one. It’s dangerous to you and it can be hard to treat, but it often is treatable. The best thing I’ve read about it (and boy, have I read a lot about this) is The Body Keeps the Score — https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-th.... Pete Walker also has published several books, and has many important and useful writings on his website — https://www.pete-walker.com/ https://www.pete-walker.com/ PTSD doesn’t go away. You just cover it up until it explodes again. Please, if you think this is you, read more and try to get some help.
  • UncleEntity 2y ago
    You get used to it. Shit goes crazy then you pick up the pieces and move on. The trick is to not drag anyone else down with you.
• jll29 2y ago
  This was a tough story, and the comments show an ocean of additional human suffering on top of the OP's. After reading a hand full of the comments, I am scrolling over the rest, thinking "wow", it's HN, which I read it almost daily to scrutinize nerdy blogs, startup gossip and API critiques. In a way, it feels good that these same people are indeed "real" people with "real" problems, not robots or perfect beings of sorts who only IPO their tech and end up billionairs, flesh-and-bone humans. Reading this I wished I could just give a big HUG to everyone out there suffering for whatever reason; we all just have one life, let's live it in meaningful ways, let's help each other and be good to one another because anything else is really not worth it. Worn out, grief-struck after enountering death or other loss, sad, traumatized - it is all horrible but I believe anything can be overcome. No, you won't be the same, but the other version of you can heal, can still live a good - perhaps more aware, humble, slower and more thankful - life, taking it one day at a time. I'll be throwing in a "prayer for anon." - for everyone who posted here and the OP tonight: may their (your!) suffering cease, wounds heal, and meaning become clear in the end.
• smoyer 2y ago
  I lost my mother last Wednesday and today would have been her 85th birthday. Her life wasn't truncated like the OP's story or many of the comments here but ... These anecdotes are making me realize that I'm not really recognizing my loss yet.
• vmurthy 2y ago
  I rarely cry when I read (or in general) but the poignancy of this article was too much . I remember how many changes my wife's body went through during our second pregnancy . Juxtapose all the things that Bess went through, it is too cruel to even think of . Have strength Bess <3
• poorcedural 2y ago
  Love = loss. If you think that equation requires less from either side, you have not felt. To love, you have to lose. Lose yourself, and all that currently holds you. What are you waiting for? And when your love dies and leaves you an empty husk, you can look back and embrace that loss that emptied you. Don't hide from love/loss. Life won't leave you alone, life has infinite love and loss.
• sterasody 2y ago
  In January 2022, my mother died in the hospital. At the time, she had severe dementia and COPD. I moved back to take care of her, but I also lost my job. The stress was insurmountable: caregiving, sleep deprivation, and poor financial condition. It's like I used up all my energy at that time, just to fight the inevitable. It's been three years and now I can manage my life on a certain level. But all those unsightly, dark struggles still haunt me. I never overcome them. Deep down I know, I'm a runaway, forever.