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Losing my son

• btyree 3y ago
  I was reading this article and only at the end did it click that the author is a close childhood friend of mine, but we have since fallen out of touch. Love you, Lars, BT.
  • kingforaday 3y ago
    This is your first and only comment from your profile that is nearly 12 years old. Sorry it has to be a sad one.
  • larsiusprime 3y ago
    That you Brandon? How you been?
    • btyree 3y ago
      It is me! I've been good. I've been following and playing your games for years, back to the Super Energy Apocalypse days. I'll try to find a way to reach out, but my username here follows me around the internet.
      • larsiusprime 3y ago
        I'm lars dot doucet at gmail dot com, ping me anytime!
• pylua 3y ago
  I am devastated to read this and it brings tears to my eyes. The author of the blog post is a strong man. I can’t imagine what he is going through and I am truly sorry.
• morphicpro 3y ago
  Give your love away for free everyday. That's all I can say.
• dclowd9901 3y ago
  “ Grief is just love with no place to go.” God damn. Yes. That’s exactly it. When I miss my brother, it’s not because I just felt bad all of a sudden. It’s because I had a great thought about him or a fond memory, and then immediately it’s a a gut punch.
• Satsana 3y ago
  Gotta live it to understand it. Everyone will go through some kind of pain like this, the only difference is when.
• ericzawo 3y ago
  Lars, thank you for sharing. And you must know that you'll be fully reunited with your son again one day. I am humbled by your family's grace and strength.
• iand675 3y ago
  I lost my 3 1/2 year old daughter to sudden illness about 10 months ago. Be gentle to yourself and your family. There will be times where you aren’t actively feeling the grief, but they pull you into theirs or vice versa. There will be times where your love and grief for your lost child will make it easy to forget to cherish the loved ones in front of you. As you figure out how to live life from here– may you find a path forward that is healthy, loving, and beneficial for you and those you care about.
  • steinzi 3y ago
    I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing that
• deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
• tibbydudeza 3y ago
  The lingering life-death. We dealt with this when my in-laws were in car accident, and my mother-in-law ended up in a coma - one day she was semi-conscious and still talking and then she just slipped away after series of micro strokes. We all relieved when she passed - we buried her husband a few days before and were in a state of limbo as we waited as there was no hope of recovery - they did the DNR.
  • gorjusborg 3y ago
    The lingering is the part that struck me too. Went through similar with my mother and ALS. It was hard witnessing her slowly die over months, while also having her witness our reactions, fully aware. It is strange and cruel to have to mourn the loss of someone when they are still present.
• rrr83 3y ago
  I was depressed today and this flashed right at the top! Sorry for your loss and I am sure no words can easy out your pain. You have your family with you so this phase will move on. Life is unfair for sure but we still got a chance to make it better!
• ssijak 3y ago
  If there are miracles, I wish you one
• DeathArrow 3y ago
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  • boernard 3y ago
    I find it a bit insensitive to tell 'what he has to do' while not being in his situation. I do believe that you believe this and this comes from a good place but I can imagine that this can be quite a sting if he tried everything and then has to read this
  • bowsamic 3y ago
    He says in the post that expecting a miracle is a sure way to not make it happen, and yet you are telling him to do exactly that
  • thomashop 3y ago
    Resorting to believe in miracles feels misguided.
• bomewish 3y ago
  Astonishing. Deeply humbling. I cried so much reading it. It’s an important piece of writing.
• foooobaba 3y ago
  There is pain, and there is real pain. This is real pain. When life hits you like this, it's important to just endure, rather than escape. Trying to escape the pain can lead to addictions and behaviors that bring more problems. Some people are hit with pain like this and live a whole life trying to escape it, but never do. Best thing is accept, grieve, and continue on. Regardless, you will not be the same person, this will change you. Sometimes life just sucks, and there is no way of saying it doesn't, only time and love can help. However, the sun comes up every morning, and there is a sunset every night. This is for anyone out there suffering some acute trauma like losing a loved one, or a chronic trauma like abuse over many years. I have experienced both, and it took me over 15 years to realize what had happened and to recover. I originally chose escapism. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's what it was. I was always into something, eventually even substance abuse. Ironically, escapism is how I ended learning to code, which was an escape for me. However, I also ended up being around even worse things and witnessing more death, while living broke and stressed out. This dragged me into even more suffering to the point of wanting suicide every day, but I just couldn't do it. This was a combination of escapism, and being around people with the same negativity as me. Fortunately in time, I found myself, and realized everything that had happened, and how life can just be like that. But also how beautiful and exciting life can be as well. This would not have happened had I not met certain people that showed me what it means to love, and to be mentally strong. Also, by reading and learning you can find inspiration and love from someone that you will never meet in real life. Regardless, we need support of strong and positive people around us. We are a social species after all. When dealing with death/loss, remember the good times, be thankful for the time we had, and leave it at that - easier said than done. The sun will rise tomorrow, and you will too. Take care, friend.
• exit 3y ago
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  • cristeigabriel 3y ago
    Seconded. For reference, I have experience with this kind of scenario first hand (helping care, and living with, somebody with dementia combined with complete immobility and many other things making the quality of life for absolutely everybody involved worse). I hope that with time we become more comfortable with euthanasia, most of us in the scenario found it to be the right choice, but society goes against it.
    • kohanz 3y ago
      I also have first-hand experience with this scenario (shared here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39043885 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39043885) and if we had followed that line of thinking we would have unnecessarily lost a valuable life. It turns out that, just like our judges and juries convict innocent people in our justice system, our doctors can give terminal or non-improving prognoses to people who will, to a meaningful extent, recover.
  • demondemidi 3y ago
    The tube feeding and pain meds are artificial life support measures in my mind. But then again I’ve never had a child or experienced anything remotely like this so it is easy to be glib and pick on logic. I’m in my sixth decade so I’m petty sure I’d feel the same way you do. I would not want to have a living altar, that term just made my jaw drop after such beautiful articulation.
    • larsiusprime 3y ago
      We are different people. We draw the line in different places. All such lines are ultimately arbitrary. Please don’t judge me for drawing it in a slightly different place than you do; my position is likely closer to yours than you think and I’d appreciate not being judged on a public forum for not being 100% in agreement with you.
• bowsamic 3y ago
  The psychology of it is interesting. Somehow this worst thing in the world is bearable, and my granddad is quite ill right now and while that’s not the same at all, it feels “easy” compared to some other struggles in my life, which are objectively less painful. And yet…
• SillyUsername 3y ago
  I've had a similar situation with a child, and although I won't go into details it can take a few years for it to process fully, and you come out with a different life perspective. I can't give a lot of good advice as I've had the full emotional spectrum, the world no longer seems real, and at points didn't deal with it well. But that's ok. It's part of adjusting. Please take it easy, you aren't alone, and if it gets too dark, sleep, tiredness can make things seem a lot worse. Make sure you speak to people continue hobbies, and avoid dwelling on the thoughts. Keep well.
• icehawk 3y ago
  > Nikolas has becomes a living altar to his own memory. While I cannot fault them for this decision, it is also antithetical to the decision I'd want made for me. If that happened to me, I do not not consider that me anymore, just some body (and not somebody) that bears a superficial resemblance.
• grimblee 3y ago
  Hello, I felt deeply moved by your story. My first born (and only kid) just birthed with a genetic mutation, very random one that may at any point in his life manifest in various degree of danger for his life. I don't know what tomorrow has for me but your story made me think about this deep fear of one day losing him. And at the same time I know 100 years ago we wouldn't even have noticed it until too late, at least now we can monitor and try to prevent danger... Courage to you and your wife. I can't fathom but I can feel sympathy to your situation.
• protoman3000 3y ago
  I’m sorry for your situation. Having gone myself as a 5 year old sibling through something like this I wish to stress this: Don’t let your other children become chronically mentally ill, send them to the psychotherapist and counselor and do that for years. You can’t imagine the amount of suffering they will have untreated. This is not something that you can just outlive and your children are dependent on you supporting them by giving them support from somebody who actually can support them. The scar of this trauma will run many many years, make them extremely vulnerable and can render them with a full blown disability. You can prevent this. Don’t let other people who have no idea shame you for seeking help for this.
  • svartkaffe 3y ago
    So weird that I started reading C. S. Lewis’ “a grief observed” yesterday and today this popped up on hn. Your comment and OP’s thread made me go from a lurker to registering an account. I was 2.5 years old when my brother was born with complications, brain damage being one of them. Could breathe by himself, but fed through a tube and couldn’t move. 3 months later he died. Not sure what the total impact from this event has been, but I am affected by this event even today, decades later. It’s weird how something can impact a little child that much, but the loss was/is real. Especially with kids that I played with that had siblings (at that time when I was back to zero). Not unfazed, but not mentally crippled either. My parents didn’t, unfortunately(?), take me to any counselors or so, it wasn’t even recommended by any in the medical support apparatus. I am often reminded that “God gives and he takes” (especially Job’s book), that might be the most pragmatic approach I’ve come up with over the years. And I still miss him when the wound opens once in a while, but at least he didn’t have to suffer. I haven’t finished the books yet, but C. S. Lewis has at least two on this topic: “a grief observed” and “the problem of pain”, the latter written before losing his wife to cancer. I hope you and your family can come through this trying time with your hope and faith intact.
    • protoman3000 3y ago
      Hi, thanks for your comment. Your story touched me immediately in my heart. I can recommend you this book on your quest to get more insights and ideas for healing: "Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship" from Laurence Heller, PhD
• andy_ppp 3y ago
  This interview with Rob Delany about the death of his 2 year old is heart breaking. His book is also very good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP7waDOo210 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP7waDOo210 I want to say all the usual clichéd things like I'm sorry for your loss but it feels like nothing even comes close to being helpful. I hope you find a way through.
• givemeethekeys 3y ago
  Hi Lars, Maybe what was needed all along for valuation software was a game developer's touch. My greatest satisfaction when it comes to writing software comes from making my users happy - especially those users who've felt neglected. Gamers are a spoiled bunch. There are so many good games, and so much other great entertainment and music on top of it =). The inability to travel is something VR will help alleviate. Not the same as actually being there, but still, it will get people that much closer to it.
• h4l0 3y ago
  I read it all through. Yes, there are no words. But seeing "Sign up for more like this." form at the end was so confusing.
  • larsiusprime 3y ago
    Automatic feature of ghost blogs, not something I put there for what it’s worth.
• sgu999 3y ago
  > The doctors initially thought he would quickly die after being taken off the ventilator, but he has persisted for about a month now. Doctors can think whatever but because most of them will prefer legality over morality anyway, they leave everyone to suffer and move on to the next patient. Then you're left to care and wait, oscillating in-between hoping that your loved one dies soon or that some miracle happens. In my case it was someone who had made very clear that they didn't want to remain in case of a catastrophic event like this. Having a strong stance on euthanasia without having experienced first-hand what it actually means is – in my opinion – just a symptom of a clear lack of empathy, dismiss any politician who does.
• andrepd 3y ago
  Off-topic, but > I now have one and only one job, which is working on real estate mass appraisal valuation technology for the purposes of accurately and credibly measuring the value of land separately from buildings and improvements. This is the kind of straightforward, steady, stable, boring work that I need to support my family right now. It also conveniently lines up with my niche interests [Georgism and LVT]. Is there a link regarding this? I'd like to know more about this project.
  • enticeing 3y ago
    Looks like this (https://www.valuebase.co/ https://www.valuebase.co/) from further up
• emptyfile 3y ago
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  • mista2nith 3y ago
    [dead]
  • wonderwonder 3y ago
    As an athiest myself, is this really the thread to be attacking people on? OP meant what they said kindly and with the intent of helping based on their own world view. I have no issue respecting that and the intent it was made in, why do you? Is a thread about losing a child really the correct forum to be attacking someone on about faith especially when the original blog post is from someone of faith? I am not attacking you, just urging you to be aware of your surroundings. I will not respond to any further comments in this thread as I don't want to detract from what its really about. I wish you well.
  • wglb 3y ago
    The person is not asking you to accept or comply with their beliefs. Take their comment as wishing the best for the person.
• Narciss 3y ago
  Thank you for sharing your story. I remember when I lost my father while very young and the lack of it being “hard”, while being a lot of other things. You verbalized that experience very well. Wish you the best.
• victor106 3y ago
  I am truly sorry for your loss. Pray that you continue to stay strong. I went through the same situation about a decade ago with a close friend of mine and it's truly the hardest of times. > Fortunately, we have been able to qualify for public medical assistance in this regard and it looks like we are going to be financially okay for the time being I know this is off topic but I want to call out how important public medical assistance is. Healthcare costs can truly wreck families and anyone who thinks that the government does not have a role providing healthcare assistance needs to think again.
  • larsiusprime 3y ago
    I have been SO Medicaid-pilled by this event
• Affric 3y ago
  I am finding it hard to find the right words to express this so please forgive me if this comes off as insensitive. That was a very touching piece that gave me a sense of that unfathomability Lars wrote of.
• 4death4 3y ago
  I know the author explicitly stated they weren’t going to share any additional details outside of this piece, but I’m curious as to how their child was injured. Like most parents, I fear for the safety of my child and want to protect them from the world. Hearing about a child injured so severely is terrifying and devastating. I have this irrational belief that if I could somehow understand and categorize all possible dangers then I might have a hope of keeping my daughter safe.
  • phalangion 3y ago
    It was a cardiac arrest during surgery. Likely nothing preventable or predictable. Just tragic
    • larsiusprime 3y ago
      Exactly this. A routine surgery to deal with a treatable congenital condition. One in a million events happen to somebody.
  • stef25 3y ago
    That quickly becomes helicopter parenting. I've got two young kids myself and totally understand your struggle.
• Bologo 3y ago
  Peace be with you.
• indru 3y ago
  I can relate to this situation. My father contracted COVID in December 2021. He was already suffering from dementia, having lost his ability to relate things and express himself. From what we observed, he was no longer the person we had known for many years. After contracting COVID, he became fully silent and bedridden for six months. His food was administered through pipes, and blood reports were regularly taken to monitor his health. In case of any infection, especially urinary, we had to take him to the hospital. Throughout this period, he was physically present but unresponsive. I was unsure about what he was feeling—whether he experienced pain or had lost his ability to feel it. My mother was not ready to accept the reality, continuously supporting him during this challenging time. I cannot recollect those days clearly. He passed away six months later, but the thoughts of what he went through continue to trouble all of us. I still feel the pain. Reading this account has made me more thoughtful about his situation during those times.
• marvic23 3y ago
  God, I hope he wakes up. Be well!
• KeithBrink 3y ago
  Thank you for writing this. They say that you don't know what you have until it's gone, but reading experiences like this reminds me how precious and fragile life is, so that I can more deeply appreciate the time I do have with my loved ones.
• monkeydust 3y ago
  Thank you Lars for putting my mundane work issues into perspective and help me think about enjoying and appreciating what I have and stress (less) about what I don't, though that is the human condition. Stay strong.
• robertlagrant 3y ago
  The "but if he does not" from that passage is theodicy in a nutshell.
• sambeau 3y ago
  So beautifully put. When I lost my son, I found comfort in two thoughts— - A big life can be very short - "Why NOT me?" Grief is an illness that can only be cured by time. Your wounds heal over, but never completely fade. You gradually pack it away in a little box alongside a few physical things—small clothes, toys, photos—and try not to open it too often in case you let it all spill out, or the smells to fade. Every now and then, someone knocks the box without realising and your grief tumbles onto the floor. It can take days to fit it all back in.
  • smeej 3y ago
    > A big life can be very short. My nephew was born by emergency c-section after my sister experienced sudden cardiac death at age 29, 8 months pregnant. They were able to restart his heart, but after six days, he had recovered no brain activity, and passed away in the loving arms of his dad. In those six days, that little boy brought peace to every person who met him, in the worst situation any of us had ever been in, even though he never even took a breath under his own power or opened his eyes. Every year, as the anniversaries of his birth and death come around, I spend those days trying to ask myself if I've made good use of my time like he did of his. BIG life. Long impact. Short days.
• ineedasername 3y ago
  Based on the title simply can’t read this with kids of my own that I fear for daily. I have it an upvote because I believe it’s well deserving of attention but I just… can’t… read it myself. Whatever the circumstances I am very sorry for what you have had to go through.
• javajosh 3y ago
  An important post to remind us that most of our trials are of the lesser kind. >The best metaphor I can give for the daily home hospice care of your own seven year old son is a monastic vocation His son is seven. In hospice care. There are no words, because as the author says: it is unfathomable. He writes with such care and precision and grace. It's an amazing act of charity he does for us all.
• poszlem 3y ago
  “For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.” ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
• thecatspaw 3y ago
  When I lost my father almost exactly a year I go, I was reminded of a comment on reddit that helped me a lot. Here it is: Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. From here: https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/d9685e/grief_comes_in_waves_important_message_from_8/ https://www.reddit.com/r/GriefSupport/comments/d9685e/grief_...
• imetatroll 3y ago
  I lost my first son five years ago. For me it permanently damaged - or a least thus far - has damaged my ability to return to a state of "normal", leaving me feeling more acutely aware of the accumulated emotional wounds that life inflicts while simultaneously slipping a veil between living and me. It was fast. One morning he was there and that night he was not. To have ones child trapped in a state between life and death is a darkness that I am not sure I could endure. It is good to see that his family is so loving of one another and, I suppose, that he has such strong faith because ... I just cannot ... that cycle of pain that is most acute for months and months after your child is gone would spring on you every morning as the panic sets in, every time you step in and out of their room, every time you feed them, preventing any form of healing whatsoever. For me it would in any case. I cannot express it properly. It is a tragedy and I think that he may well be in a state of shock that he will not even be able to recognize as such for a long time to come.
• spookybones 3y ago
  I commend this person for his capacity to write under such duress and depression. I have experienced my own tragedies over the years and during such times I can only escape.
• mattmcegg 3y ago
  [dead]
• jay754 3y ago
  just looking at the comments, I don't think I can even bring myself to read the post.
• tsoukase 3y ago
  My mom died in October. Just today, I managed to open up memories through searching her stuff. The thought of the day was that a single kid covers and, literally, can wipe out all the generations that precede. Then, I read this post and the second thought was that this happens because of the parent that lies between.
• deleted 3y ago
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• 1970-01-01 3y ago
  >What We're In For A bit too pessimistic if one is also in the 'AI will change our future' camp. The possibility of a hospice robot is much greater than zero in the next 20 years.
• xpressvideoz 3y ago
  Writing such a beautiful article in the midst of such a tragic moment proves your talent. I almost feel like I'm committing a blasphemy because I'm immensely moved by your article. Huge respect.
• 1980phipsi 3y ago
  The part that got me was where he talks about his daughters helping out with the care.
• uwagar 3y ago
  [flagged]
• smeej 3y ago
  I'm adding this comment as a note to anyone who's walking alongside people who are grieving, or even is in the middle of a grief experience yourself. Ring theory [0], developed by Susan Silk, was one of the most helpful guidelines someone gave me early in my grief journey. Picture the traumatic event or loss at the center of a set of concentric circles. At the very center are the people going through it directly. Each step outward represents one step removed from the event itself. Everyone has permission to dump any pain or need or anything onto anyone in a larger ring than they're in, but under no circumstance should any such things be dumped into a smaller circle. For example, when my sister and my died, her husband/his father was in the innermost circle. My mother was in a very slightly larger one. My brother and I were a circle out from that, followed by her closest friend, his parents, his brother, their other friends, etc. It makes a really big difference not to have to try to deal with what other people need to dump when you're dealing with enough to be broken yourself. And when in doubt? The most effective thing you can do in many circumstances is show up, stay, and not say a word. Your physical presence and willingness to sit silently in the overwhelming awkwardness speaks volumes. It tells the person you love that they aren't alone, even when being with them is really hard. [0] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology) https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)
• kohanz 3y ago
  I'm truly sorry for this event, OP. As a father, I cannot fathom how this feels, but I have had a taste of it when my young brother-in-law was in a catastrophic car accident. I hesitate to share this story, because it may again bring hope, and I agree that hope is pain in these situations. I do not know the details of your situation and how confident the medical team is in their prognosis. If you are certain in their judgment, then please do not read the rest, because it is hopeful. I share it here, if not for you, then for others. Apologies again if this is overstepping. I will delete it if this is out of bounds. ---- My BIL was in a head-on collision with a semi (he was in a Honda Civic) on a snowy day when he was in his early 20s. He was on his way to go snowboarding. My wife, his only sibling, got the news immediately and we both got on a 5 hr flight to the hospital where he was. My wife was heavily pregnant. While he was initially conscious after the accident, soon an embolism formed and resulted in a blockage in his brain. As I understand it, the embolism actually should have ended up in his lungs and killed him, but due to an unknown hole in his heart, it ended up in his brain and instead caused a severe brain injury. He lost consciousness and slipped into a coma. His physical body was battered (many broken bones) and now he also had no brain function. Non-responsive. While grieving the accident, and his loss, we met with several Drs. at the hospital and their prognosis was bleak. Even on the slim chance that he would survive, he would not ever walk, or talk, or do much of anything ever again. I also remember the dire moment when the brain MRI came back and it looked like one big cloud of fog. I had spent a career at that time in medical imaging and while I was on the engineering side, I knew this was a horrible sign and the doctors confirmed that. One doctor matter of factly and without mincing words told us we'd be best off pulling the plug soon, so that his organs could be used. We could not bring ourselves to make that decision at the time (I often wish I could remember that Doctor's name to update him on what has transpired since, but alas that whole period of time was a grief-filled haze). He stayed in that coma for 5 months, slowly showing signs of responsiveness. Eye movement, for example. Eventually, he "woke" up, but could not speak, still not walking or even able to sit up. Over years of intense therapy and effort by him and his team (and my wife supporting all of the above), he slowly improved. All of us spent so much time talking to him, while getting little to no response back. Eventually, you could get to the point where you told a joke and he would muster a smile, maybe with his eyes at first, and then with his mouth. I still remember the day the hospital called and the nurse put him on the phone to my wife with shock to say that he had said a word and he said "I love you" to his sister. Mind you, it was very hard to understand him (and he still is a bit difficult to understand, to this day). I don't want to write a novel about this (I could easily), but his progression continued, over years and years. Physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy and more. Today, a decade later, he can walk, talk, play video games, go to the movies, he does activities like swimming and skiing with assistance from equipment and aides. He lives in an apartment that has care aides around when he needs them, but can do many things for himself. He has the mentality of roughly a 10 year old, in some ways, but he has memories of his life before the accident and maintains his old sense of humour and love for his family. He is still with us and big pieces of the "old" him are there. He is a wonderful uncle to our children, the oldest of which was weeks away from being born when his Uncle's life changed forever.
• devdiary 3y ago
  Thank you for writing this
• thehias 3y ago
  It is a shame that medical bills can force you to change your way of life in the USA. In Germany or similiar countries with universal healthcare your cost would have been alomost 0$/€.
  • larsiusprime 3y ago
    Fortunately I haven’t been saddled with enormous bills yet. We somehow qualified for public assistance. Granted we have also spent a very large number of hours on the phone and had to jump through many other hoops, and this is far from over.
    • CRConrad 3y ago
      > We somehow qualified for public assistance. What's so infuriating is that you even had to "qualify", and that many (presumably) don't. It would be nice if the USA caught up and joined the world's civilised countries. Never mind that now, sorry. My best wishes to you and yours.
• yatopifo 3y ago
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• kgool71 3y ago
  I lost my son three years ago last month and this resonates with me in ways I cannot imagine. I never expected to find this in this place today but I am both glad and sad that I did. "Unfathomable" is so painfully accurate.
• pcj-github 3y ago
  What a gifted writer. A very close friend of mine's brother was bicyling back home after his first year of college and was struck by a drunk driver, he was left in a vegetative state for about 8 years before finally passing from urinary complications. The father, also a creative person, wrote "In the Line of Fire", if you ever saw that film with Clint Eastwood. They said it was the worst and best thing to ever happen to them; I still don't understand what it means.
• zengid 3y ago
  When you become a parent, it's like being reincarnated but your old body is still there. You have two bodies now. Eventually you grow strong enough to withstand the new flood of sensations and emotions, but the majority of your energies goes into the new body. You have so much more to protect, but ultimately you have less you can control. You are along for the ride. My deepest condolences to the author.
• wojo1206 3y ago
  My son has been born with brain damage due to chromosomal abnormalities. He is just 2 years old. He can't walk, talk, he is feed through tube and doesn't seem to be interested with surrounding very much. And, he is scheduled medical procedure to treat another congenital condition in couple weeks. I understand your pain and suffering. I understand how much you and your family have changed over this difficult period. We also got healthy 5 year old daughter. Devastation, strangeness, changes and hardship that is more hard that anything. I am glad that this forum raises human suffering issues and topics beyond bits and bytes. Before my son was born I was so unaware of how much support society has built to help cope and threat complex medical issues. I had no idea we got: feeding therapists, swallow studies, sleep studies, endocrinologists and literally hundreds specialties in health industry. Gob Bless You and Your Family
• stephenhumphrey 3y ago
  I will make some personal comments to Lars privately, but let me say this, publicly: I read between 10 and 100 articles or posts linked from HN every single day, and I have for years. As you can see for yourselves, I almost never comment. At this late stage in my life and career, it just seems fruitless to add my lone voice to the world of mostly-vapid, interconnected noise. But Lar’s three poignant and vulnerable essays, as well as his comments on this post, seem to have brought out nearly universally the best people I’ve yet to see on HN or even on the larger net. Wow. Most of you commenting are demonstrably fine people, and without calling out any in particular, I must decloak for this brief moment to say thank you for being such thoughtful, expressive, kind people. I certainly hope some of your best comments resonate with and help Lars. However, even if not, your wisdom and humanity have helped me today — helped me process my own life and my still-too-raw tragedies. Well done, HN “friends.” Keep up your “good works.” May we meet again, in real life or beyond.
  • sillysaurusx 3y ago
    Write more, please. > I almost never comment. At this late stage in my life and career, it just seems fruitless to add my lone voice to the world of mostly-vapid, interconnected noise. Late stage implies you’re older, and thus have seen a lot. You might get comments from people you’d rather not hear from, but your writing itself reaches people like me, who want to learn from your perspective.
• gwbas1c 3y ago
  > My son is alive, but all of his higher mental functions have been wiped out. He still sleeps and wakes, breathes under his own power, and responds to certain stimuli, but he makes no intentional movements. He moves reflexively, and occasionally smiles and even laughs, but he can't speak and it's not clear what degree of awareness he still has of his situation, if any. I remember when my mom got to that state when she was dying from cancer. I looked at my wife and told her that, when I'm at that state, feed me pain killers to move things along. (I didn't do that with my mom because she expressly told me that she didn't want euthanasia.) But, when someone is in that state, is speeding along the inevitable really euthanasia? My mom was find with painkillers, even if they shortened her life by a few hours. I understand that the living need more time. (I wish I had more time with my mom.)
  • gwbas1c 3y ago
    Forgot to include that my mom died within 12 hours after reaching that state.
• gwbennett 3y ago
  Thank you for sharing your unfathomable journey. It may sound cliché, but my thoughts and prayers will be with you, your son, and your family!
• hasoleju 3y ago
  I read the article and browsed a lot of comments. I did not expect to read such an article when I opened the site today. The article and a lot of comments really touched me. I gained a completely new perspective. Reading about the feeling of loosing a child automatically sparks the imagination about my one feelings about such a tragedy. Only thinking about it is somehow horrible. It really puts every other daily concern about the children and every dispute one might have with them into perspective. Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories. I am moved.
• royaltjames 3y ago
  How utterly soulcrushing. Reading this I realized at once that both I want to be loving unconditionally to my kids like you and also my parents would never do this for me. You and your family sound like beautiful people, and I hope you can be kind to yourself no matter what happens. When timing is more appropriate, I'm curious to hear more in-depth about how to cling relentlessly to joy.
• keeganpoppen 3y ago
  wow, that was very powerful, and i didnt make it very far before being completely overwhelmed with emotion. but i am very grateful for this insight into human nature that can only come from the extremes of human experience.
• zirgs 3y ago
  Isn't Michael Schumacher also in a similar condition for more than a decade now?
• bilinguliar 3y ago
  Immense suffering one experiences is not explainable and can not be understood by people who did not experience the same. What is left is to smile and say, “I am OK”
• MaryGab 3y ago
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• ryzvonusef 3y ago
  > Turns out, unfathomable tragic loss isn't very hard. It's easy, in fact. Easy in the same way that falling off a cliff is "easy"–gravity does all the work for you. It's not like climbing mount Everest, desperately putting one foot in front of the other. It's not like struggling to answer questions in a final exam. Tragic loss is just something that happens to you. Lars, that was very deeply insightful for me. Thank you for sharing this, it helped me understand my own grief in a new light. I wish I could say something to help you in the way your words have helped me. I only wish you some measure of happiness, in what way or form it may come, and may your future days be of peace.
• AndyJado 3y ago
  "Sign up for more like this"
• rcd2 3y ago
  My son was born with TEF/EA (TOF/OA in the UK) and needed a 4 hour surgery when he was 2 days old. The days before the surgery and the following month while he was incubated were agonising in ways I can’t even describe. Even though my story isn’t nowhere near your situation, I can vaguely relate. To the pain you feel, but also to the strength you seem to have found, to look for the positives because, deep down, you know that being positive and embracing the situation is the best you can do for your son. I’m sending all my love to you, your son and your family.
• birracerveza 3y ago
  Thank you for sharing this.
• cwbrandsma 3y ago
  Back in college I had to read "Lament for a Son", written by a college professor that lost a son in a mountain climbing accident. The "Page left deliberately blank" hit me a bit hard, just empathizing with the emptiness.
• HaZeust 3y ago
  This was a great read. The human conditions and the trials and tribulations faced by each and every one of us are plentiful and can often be over-encumbering. Be kind to everyone :)
• oxyo 3y ago
  Hi, Please read this book - https://www.abebooks.com/9780312929725/Miracles-Happen-Inspiring-True-Story-0312929722/plp https://www.abebooks.com/9780312929725/Miracles-Happen-Inspi... and after please contakt Briege McKenna
• oxyo 3y ago
  Hi, Please read this book - https://www.abebooks.com/9780312929725/Miracles-Happen-Inspiring-True-Story-0312929722/plp https://www.abebooks.com/9780312929725/Miracles-Happen-Inspi... and after please contakt Briege McKenna
• drunkencoder 3y ago
  Being a father of two (oldest 3,5 years old) this kind of thread works as a friendly reminder of thankfulness. It suddenly opens up that deep void as thinking of your own death or the edge of the universe might do. I will hug my family and appreciate life and current happiness, knowing it can all end anytime. Thanks for the reminder and love to you all .
• Flatcircle 3y ago
  What a profound article. Nearly brought me to tears. A truly amazing father and a truly amazing family.
• Francesca12 3y ago
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• epistasis 3y ago
  I know of Doucet not because of games, but because of his extensive work and amazing writing in favor of a land value tax. Seeing this article title last month was such a gut punch. The lessons in the article are so so valuable, however. I'm so thankful for Doucet sharing the gift of his writing on this topic, and hope that it was helpful for him to create it.
• rlabrecque 3y ago
  This is so sad and well written. Lars is one of the best people I've ever met, no one should have to go through that, especially not him.
• xbar 3y ago
  I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing courageously during this impossible time.
• deleted 3y ago
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• supertofu 3y ago
  Oh this is the worst thing that could happen to any parent, but the writing was beautiful and so moving. Thank you for sharing. I am feeling such a great sympathetic grief but also great awe at how palpable the love and care is in this writing.
• burlesona 3y ago
  Lars, I was in studio with you at A&M. I’m devastated to hear this, and praying for you and your family.
• tlivolsi 3y ago
  Lars sounds like an amazing father. My heart goes out to him and his family.
• mista2nith 3y ago
  The writing is incredible, but what a truly unimaginable thing. God Bless you Lars Doucet.
• adverbly 3y ago
  This is absolutely gut-wrenching. Lars is an absolutely incredible thinker with a polymath-like range. - He has done great professional work as a software developer - He has pushed forward arguably one of the best economic policies for modern times(land value tax) through both a startup[1], and writing[2]. I particularly like his interview with Dwarkesh Patel[3] - He contributes core thinking to rationalist communities. Just the other day I completely randomly encountered him as being submitter of the primary US Election 2024 market on the forecasting site manifold[1] The two most impactful thinkers/writers in my life have now had to survive through incredible loss(Douglas Hofstadter - who lost his wife after writing GEB is the other). Wishing you all the best Lars. Sources: [1] https://www.valuebase.co/ https://www.valuebase.co/ [2] https://www.landisabigdeal.com/ https://www.landisabigdeal.com/ [3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL-qkv7Pzxo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL-qkv7Pzxo [4] https://manifold.markets/LarsDoucet/will-joe-biden-win-the-2024-us-pres https://manifold.markets/LarsDoucet/will-joe-biden-win-the-2...
  • zeven7 3y ago
    > The two most impactful thinkers/writers in my life I am not familiar with the author, but after reading this article I am interested in learning more him and his other thoughts. Can you provide a good starting place for reading material? Specifically something that you feel affected your life.
    • thicknavyrain 3y ago
      Land is a Big Deal is a great place to start (and his three articles summarising Georgism for SSC, also on his substack named after Henry George's book "Progress and Poverty", which contain much of the same content).
    • aaronsimpson 3y ago
      I don't know about the previous author or if it's even his best, but I learned about Lars through a Slate Star Codex guest post 2-3 years ago. https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/does-georgism-work-is-land-really https://www.astralcodexten.com/p/does-georgism-work-is-land-...
    • 3y ago
• metflex 3y ago
  brought tears to my eyes, thank you for giving out such valuable lessons by writing this article. i hope you and your family will have the best days ahead of you <3
• arunc 3y ago
  Sad and terrible! Reminds me of a story I read when I was young. An Indian emperor invited a wise man to his court and asked him to write a wish that will last forever. He wrote: 1. The emperor dies 2. His son dies 3. His grandson dies The emperor was furious and ordered him to be punished. The wise man asked if he can have an opportunity to explain and the emperor agreed. The wise man explained that he wrote what he wishes as the natural order of life in the kingdom. He asked the emperor to consider how terrible the situation would be if any of the order in that is changed. The emperor realized the truth in this and thanked the wise man.
  • OhioMan2943 3y ago
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  • ChatGTP 3y ago
    Maybe not the best time for that story.
• binary132 3y ago
  How terribly sad and also very moving. Hope (is this Hope? it seems that way to me) is a powerful and beautiful virtue.
• reactordev 3y ago
  As a parent who has lost a son - I feel this immensely. At least you can see his face. That’s more than I can say for mine. He’ll forever be 12 years old to me. What helped me was giving back. I’m sure the road ahead will be hard, but don’t give up.
  • usui 3y ago
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    • robertlagrant 3y ago
      The original piece was good at emphasising that enforcing extemporaneous politeness rules around what you're allowed to say to people in different situations wasn't a priority for the author.
    • reactordev 3y ago
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  • imetatroll 3y ago
    Very sorry to hear. I lost my boy five years ago and it just isn't something that ever gets better in the true sense, but we all have to learn how to live with it somehow.
    • reactordev 3y ago
      Around the same timeframe and same outcome. Stay strong. I know exactly how you feel.
• chupapimunyenyo 3y ago
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  • dang 3y ago
    It's not ok to post cruel things to HN, and I've banned the account. (I wouldn't do this if the account had a normal posting history, but previous comments have also been unsubstantive.) If you don't want to be banned, you're welcome to email hn@ycombinator.com and give us reason to believe that you'll follow the rules in the future. They're here: https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html. Note this one: "Be kind." It's first on the list for a reason.
• owlninja 3y ago
  I can't add anything more than what has been said. I wish Lars well and can't even begin to really feel what he is actually going through.
• pugworthy 3y ago
  I knew soneone once who lost his wife with two small children. He started a "cheerful family" blog about how they were a cheerful family. Maybe I completely got it wrong, but it was painful to see. It seemed like denial. Yet saying that, I am currently dealing with end'ish of life things for my father at 94, so I understand pragmatic. My comment may be taken as wrong, but I hope that those that choose to vote (up or down) have gone through close loss before they choose to say they understand (or not).
• keithnz 3y ago
  This feels horrific, this initial event essentially is the end of his son as he knows him, and eventually he will actually die. My only vaguely similar experience of this kind of thing is my grandfather with Alzheimer's, but it felt like a natural end of life scenario (a horrible one). But with my kids, and I do believe in euthanasia, I wouldn't be able to do that either. I don't believe in god, but I'd always think there's a chance that maybe things will improve. Very tough situation.
• infotainment 3y ago
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• ViktorRay 3y ago
  This was a powerful read. I’m so sorry that the author’s family is going through all this. I found that the quote the author put at the end of his essay was very memorable. “Stand at the brink of the abyss of despair, and when you see that you cannot bear it anymore, draw back a little and have a cup of tea.”
• deleted 3y ago
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• billyt555 3y ago
  I appreciate you sharing this
• acjohnson55 3y ago
  Damn. Just, damn. > Turns out, unfathomable tragic loss isn't very hard. It's easy, in fact. Easy in the same way that falling off a cliff is "easy"–gravity does all the work for you. It's not like climbing mount Everest, desperately putting one foot in front of the other. It's not like struggling to answer questions in a final exam. Tragic loss is just something that happens to you. I think about this a lot. The reality of life is that we either don't live very long or we experience unimaginable tragedy. But we figure out how to keep living in the new normal, because what else can you do. I guess part of being human is being able to exist as though this isn't true, and also survive when it happens.
• mberning 3y ago
  Horrible. Just horrible. I could not finish it. My 3 year old boy is the most precious thing to me in the world. Losing a child is incomprehensible.
• pattesseriedude 3y ago
  I’m really feeling sorry for both the author and his family. Can’t imagine what they must be going through. When I was 10 my oldest sibling went through a coma and after coming out of it some time later she did some things that my parents were not happy about. My family was going through some things and me being the youngest was completely neglected. I was shoved in a room and my family being well off all the problems were tried to be solved by money. Then just as things were getting a little better for me between 11-12 I was molested a few times. I was too scared to talk to anyone. My parents were not bothered much. 19 years later today I have PTSD and I struggle with anxiety depression panic. In my entire life I had no one to talk to and no one loved me. I was unable to make any connections in life. I do therapy which helps a little. I fell in love with someone 12 years ago which was the only time I felt something in life but she never liked me and till this day I hope for a miracle. There was a time few years ago I was unable to leave my room without panic attacks as that was the only place I felt safe. Somehow I was able to work my way into a graduate degree in computer science from a top school and a job. However I still spent the last 3 days crying alone. I deal with it every single day every single hour of my life. Life gets better some days and worse some days. Anyway my point is that your children and your spouse need you the most right now. This is a turning point for everyone in the family. Hold them close. Talk to them. They may show they are strong and handling it well but they need you more than you might think. Some things cannot be undone. Some things cannot be changed. But many are in control today and a lot will be decided about the future at this time. So please just hold them close and tell them you love them. I will pray for you and your family.
  • piuantiderp 3y ago
    Pattesserie, a bit random but try and do sauna regularly. Start with little. Can do wonders for emotional issue release; can be very intense at first, just be prepared.
    • 9991 3y ago
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      • 3y ago
• kraig911 3y ago
  Death can have so many meanings when I read this. I worry I'll forget what they smelled like, what they sounded like. What songs they would've been singing. What what what. The 'veil of tears' is perfectly apt. It both blinds me from the blessing I personally have to be living yet I'm I'm unaware of how short sighted I am. That beyond this veil so much of what I love is beyond the awareness of my own being. I hope he and his family finds respite.
• rdtsc 3y ago
  That is devastating. Beyond words. As a parent had stop reading because I could imagine that happening to my son. Eventually I went back and continued. I hope they eventually find some comfort and some peace…
• thetinymite 3y ago
  I went to college with Lars. He's a brilliant, wonderful person. Allow me to be one more person who doesn't know what to say. I hope that's ok.
• johnwheeler 3y ago
  Life and its trappings are very precious. I once got slammed on here by some woke assholes for saying most people nowadays live better than John D. Rockefeller. It’s like Sam Harris says, there are so many people who on their best day would choose to be you on your worst. Value what you have
• brunohaid 3y ago
  Steven Colbert and Anderson Cooper once had a wonderful, deeply human conversation about grief and loss, which also touches briefly upon Colbert’s mom losing two sons and her husband in a plane crash: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YB46h1koicQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YB46h1koicQ May you find similar comfort, one day.
• BOOSTERHIDROGEN 3y ago
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• yard2010 3y ago
  Lars I'm sending you and your family much love I would hug you guys and never let go Stay strong and keep your faith
• larsiusprime 3y ago
  I have to say I'm really humbled to suddenly see this on the front page. Today was a particularly hard day; I won't go into details but taking care of a permanently disabled invalid involves a lot of ups and downs and some fairly messy manual labor to keep them comfortable and in good shape. I love you all. Hug your kids if you have em. EDIT: The above blog post here was one of three things I wrote in the immediate aftermath of the tragedy to try to process my feelings and exorcise my dark thoughts. I have two more which you can find below: The Ballad of St. Halvor (a poem): https://www.fortressofdoors.com/st-halvor/ https://www.fortressofdoors.com/st-halvor/ Four Magic Words (short story, somewhat dark): https://www.fortressofdoors.com/four-magic-words/ https://www.fortressofdoors.com/four-magic-words/
  • spog314 3y ago
    I sent few suggestions to your email leveluplabs@gmail.com. Is this the best email to reach you?
  • fragkakis 3y ago
    I am sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.
  • pclmulqdq 3y ago
    I also had a bit of an annus horribilis last year, and ended up taking almost a year off of blogging out of a sense of embarrassment and shame. I wanted to thank you for having the courage to write this and share the work through which you have been processing everything. It really would have helped to see all of this writing about 10 months ago, so I am glad it is here for everyone else and for my own inevitable next time at "rock bottom." I also wanted to encourage you to keep going with your creative work, because I know it can really help fathom the depths of your mind in a way that "logical" thought really can't. For me, it was playing the piano and writing some (bad) compositions. You write very well, and I hope it brings you some clarity and relief. Thank you and my best wishes to you and your family.
  • ziotom78 3y ago
    Thanks so much for having written this. My deepest condolences, God bless you and your family.
• mise_en_place 3y ago
  The cruelest thing of all is that, technically speaking, his son is still alive. I’d imagine this to be far more torturous. I have lost many close family members, but they all lost their biological lives. This just seems to be one of the worst experiences you could go through.
  • Affric 3y ago
    When your loved one is a continuing biological entity but you will never again experience them as they were… to me it was like all the magic left the world and consciousness/humanity was revealed to be just an illusion. And, as Lars has written, there are many multipliers in the individual cases. Unfathomable indeed.
  • heyoni 3y ago
    There’s closure in death.
  • larsiusprime 3y ago
    People are downvoting you, but yes, his situation is worse than death in a sense. In some ways it's a comfort to still have what's left of him with me, in other ways it's worse. I definitely have a DNR in place for myself. I have complicated feelings about... well, everything, which I did my best to exorcise in this piece I posted a few days ago: https://www.fortressofdoors.com/four-magic-words/ https://www.fortressofdoors.com/four-magic-words/
    • cjbprime 3y ago
      Thanks for writing this piece, I enjoyed it. My sympathies for your family's loss. I feel like the most controversial idea in the story is the one where a four-word deontological requirement's truest and deepest form turns out to be a kind of consequentialist utilitarianism!
    • borlanco 3y ago
      This reads like Asimov. Thank you!
• dataf3l 3y ago
  Mi más sentido pésame. I'm sorry for your loss. It's sad to hear that you won't be making the game, but it's completely understandable, one has to focus on family. this doesn't mean your career has to be boring, the job is boring if we make it boring. I would respectfully suggest, from my ignorant and disconected viewpoint, that I sincerely hope that you at least consider making indie games from time to time. perhaps making games is therapeutic, I do not know this, but it's a hunch. I sincerely hope none of my remarks are considered insensitive, please keep in mind we belong in different cultural backgrounds.
• TIPSIO 3y ago
  > “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” Saw that quote I think on HN a while ago. Grief sucks. It's different than our other emotions. You can do all the right things and have everything going for you after, but it's still always there and never goes away. Something you truly how to live with and not be afraid to face or run from. This tragedy is different because in a way is ongoing. I found the post extremely inspirational. Best of luck on the new journey. Seems like they'll figure it out.
• seoulmetro 3y ago
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  • pixelbyindex 3y ago
    Recently I listened to David Goggins on Huberman. He talks a lot about confronting your traumas, and as far as I can tell, it really is the only solution. > Being molested shouldn't stop you getting a good education, finding someone you like or earning well for yourself You are being downvoted (I guess) because people mistake this kind of attitude for apathy, but I think it is a valid statement, and there is research to show this attitude can be very helpful
  • stef25 3y ago
    > The best thing to do with trauma as a kid is to let it go. Makes it sound like you have a choice. If you could let go it wouldn't be trauma ? A psych I saw told me to "just stop thinking about it" when I told her about my problems. Bitch I'm here for sole reason that I can't stop thinking about it. "Just do x" is non advice.
    • pattesseriedude 3y ago
      I’m sorry you had to go through that. I would like to advice that finding the right therapist takes time but don’t give up on finding one. My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma and tell him about it in more detail. Some people don’t deserve to be therapists and are probably doing more harm than good to the society. He came as most recommended btw in my city. Luckily I was able to find a good doctor later.
      • 77pt77 3y ago
        > My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma Did he still get payed? Because I would laugh at his invoice.
        • smeej 3y ago
• m0rissette 3y ago
  My son passed May 10 2018; I was drunk from May 11 2018 until sometime in 2022 with struggles off and on. I’d love to chat about the insane level of grief I experienced and maybe help or just listen. Come find me if you’d like.
  • rand0m4r 3y ago
    My 23 year old son passed away in march 2021 - this is exactly what i've been living. Stay strong.
  • WiSaGaN 3y ago
    I've come to understand that parents who have lost a child often face significant challenges in maintaining their relationship. Could you offer advice for such parents, both for before and after experiencing this tragic event, on how they can stay united and prevent further losses in their lives? Additionally, are there circumstances where it might be healthier for them not to stay together?
    • m0rissette 3y ago
      Coming up on the 6th anniversary of his death; my wife and I are separated and going through a divorce. I’d like to say it is all my fault because I am still emotionally unavailable but it takes two. As for advice I think as we all relationships, communication is key. I dropped the ball here because honestly the first year I only got out of bed to go to the liquor store. Year two, I drained my retirement to live while staying 24/7 obliterated and not dealing with what can only be called a complete loss of one’s identity and self. I don’t think it is healthy for us to stay together because she took the loss much easier than I at least from all outward appearance. Years 3-5 was a very introspective and healing time where I went through periods of depression and hopelessness. I’m now in the rediscovering who I am phase because I kind of lost that along the way. So in conclusion, a combination of LSD and therapy(CBT) allowed me to start moving forward with life and slowly getting out of a never ending cycle of grief. That probably doesn’t answer your question but I think every one who has to go through this kind of event is going to handle it differently.
• erickhill 3y ago
  Halfway down, I can't anymore.
• deleted 3y ago
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• appplication 3y ago
  The Buddhists were right about something. Life is suffering. I gotta stop writing here before I get too nihilistic. The posted article and some of the stories here are tragic. I wish I had something better to say.
  • malteof 3y ago
    Well, the Buddhists are more optimistic than that! They have lots of techniques and ways of thinking to reduce suffering. I recommend reading up on their life philosophy, they’re far from nihilists.
    • stef25 3y ago
      Links ?
      • bowsamic 3y ago
        https://tricycle.org/beginners/ https://tricycle.org/beginners/ https://www.amazon.de/Buddhas-Words-Anthology-Discourses-Teachings/dp/0861714911 https://www.amazon.de/Buddhas-Words-Anthology-Discourses-Tea... https://suttacentral.net/mn https://suttacentral.net/mn https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_Sutra https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_Sutra https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P%C4%81ramit%C4%81 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/P%C4%81ramit%C4%81 https://www.amazon.de/-/en/Charles-B-Jones/dp/1611808901/ https://www.amazon.de/-/en/Charles-B-Jones/dp/1611808901/ https://www.amazon.com/The-Library-of-Wisdom-and-Compassion-9-book-series/dp/B078YG7K5Q https://www.amazon.com/The-Library-of-Wisdom-and-Compassion-... http://shinranworks.com/ http://shinranworks.com/
    • wegfawefgawefg 3y ago
      The absense of the need for optimism is not the same as optimism.
      • bowsamic 3y ago
        The main doctrine of Buddhism is that eternal bliss is possible, how is that not optimistic? I'm a Jodo Shinshu Pure Land Buddhist and as far as I can tell all Buddhists believe in this, it's the third noble truth after all. To me it seems more optimistic to think that our current life is somehow limited and flawed and that a mind and experience beyond it is possible (Buddhahood) than to think that it's not possible and we are stuck as limited suffering beings.
• jongjong 3y ago
  > And honestly, at this point crying feels good. Crying isn't really when I feel like I'm suffering the most Although I have not experienced anything even remotely as horrible as what the author has, I can still relate to this. I've been exposed to enough frustration and injustice over long enough periods of time that I can't cry about anything anymore. Last time I cried, I must have run out of tears mid-way through because I actually started chuckling at my own misfortune. I guess maybe my problems are in fact trivial in the grand scheme of things.
  • krzat 3y ago
    Crying is the appropriate response to pain, much much better than drinking, getting numb or pretending that everything is ok. The trick is to not feel ashamed or weak for doing this, just cry and appreciate the relief it gives.
• deleted 3y ago
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• xivzgrev 3y ago
  I've recently become a father to a son as well, and it's so difficult to imagine the magnitude of loss. We've already poured so much love into him and received so much, the thought of losing him is beyond heartbreaking. Then multiply that by 7 years and...like you said, unfathomable. Your approach to the situation is inspiring. I honestly don't know what we'd do in this situation, but I like to think we'd find a way to continue loving him even with the understanding he'll never come back. On a much smaller scale, I have an orchid plant my wife gave me, and the bloom from the store quickly died out. I've kept watering it every week, for the past 3 years. It's bloomed once since, interestingly enough when my wife & I agreed to get married, but since then nothing. My wife has asked me a few times why I don't throw it away, but at this point it's a part of us, until it naturally expires.
• Aeolun 3y ago
  I feel like that’s literally my worst nightmare. So I’m going to feel sad for a bit, give you my best wishes, and then try as hard as possible to forget I ever read this and to purge the idea that it could ever happen to me. It’ll be hard enough if it does. No need to worry about it beforehand.
• avgDev 3y ago
  This is my biggest fear, I wish I could be ignorant about how fragile our existence really is. How one moment, one mistake can change things forever. I cannot imagine there is much worse to endure than losing your child especially at a young age. I have much sympathy for the writer and I want to wish him well.
  • maxiwer 3y ago
    I think what worsens our pain is that we mostly forget that not everything is under our control. In fact, maybe nothing's under our control.
• chasil 3y ago
  What I will try to say is that we are with you, and that your sorrow is shared. We cannot understand your loss, but we are moved by it, and it will mark us to a lesser degree than it has marked you, but the permanence of the mark will be remembered. Take from us our thanks for your remembrance, and any solace that we might offer, scant as it may be, in your time of trial. I will remember "Nikolas," the whispered song of what might have been.