35 ms·

Never waste a midlife crisis

• xyzelement 3y ago
  I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady. Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. Because they are too busy, but mainly because their life is oriented from the get-go around what is very meaningful to them
  • TeMPOraL 3y ago
    Having grown up in a highly religious community: > a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community I kind of suspect this is one of the ways mid-life crisis manifests. That, and covert alcoholism.
  • majormajor 3y ago
    > Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. I grew up in a church and will tell you right off the bat that neither church nor family prevents one. Googling will give you no shortage of Christian articles and resources around dealing with them. Nobody is immune to that sense of "everything looks peachy on the outside, internally there's a lot of frustration" with the status quo. It does give you a big blast radius so your midlife crisis can wreck a family or two, though, if it leads you towards certain things.
    • kajecounterhack 3y ago
      Also, 5+ kids may seem helpful, but not because you won't face existential crisis with five kids -- you just will have more trouble finding time to process. Kids keep you very busy, until they don't. As an ex-church person: the "community" is pretty hurtful to a lot of people and isn't immune to high school clique / cult of personality type things, even if you discount other obvious harms (the experience of gay kids in church, women being told they can't teach, way-too-frequent abuses of adolescents by church authorities like youth pastors and priests). Christian stuff in particular is also heavy on the shame and that is pretty bad for psychological safety & wellness. My mother in law was a divorcee and made to feel real bad about that even to this day. As a boy I remember growing up and self-flagellating for every "impure" thought that crossed my mind. "Rich spiritual life" is a pretty branding phrase for bankrupt ideology.
      • sclarisse 3y ago
        Christianity is heavy on the guilt. If you’re self-flagellating, that’s a sign it’s guilt, not shame. East Asian cultures are more about the shame. And try not to go anywhere where the social order is based on Fear.
        • kajecounterhack 3y ago
          I'm East Asian. Guilt and shame here are the same thing -- the distinction between moral vs non-moral is blurry at best. The only difference is who you're disappointing and what the perceived consequence is.
      • watwut 3y ago
        > Kids keep you very busy, until they don't. Honestly, seeing some catholic families with 5+ kids, the model where one partner simply spends all time in work and hobbies while leaving all childcare to the other one is super common too.
        • throw9away6 3y ago
          Doesn’t really seem fair for the wife, I don’t really understand why she puts up with it
      • nickd2001 3y ago
        Its sad that you had such a negative experience of church, due to people's failings. Its not like that everywhere. There are church communities that are welcoming to people that are divorced, gay, etc. Sounds like you've been among people who lack of proper understanding of "love others as yourself" and "judge not lest thy be judged" which are fundamental to true Christianity (and other religions too). I'd advocate, don't give up, don't dismiss religion based on people's failings, but instead, challenge people
        • kajecounterhack 3y ago
          Another way to look at it is that this isn't "people's failings." This is structural. Churches perpetuate problematic power structures and base their teachings on incoherent writings that can easily be interpreted to mean all kinds of nasty things. You can point to Jesus sayings in "true Christianity" and still have to explain yourself as to why Apostle Paul is allowed to say some crazy stuff in the same compilation text (the bible) that everyone loves to harp on. Also, didn't Jesus compare a gentile woman to a dog? Wowza that's some offensive and racist stuff. > There are church communities that are welcoming to people that are divorced, gay, etc There are plenty of church communities that _claim_ to be welcoming to such folks. You don't have to stick around long to see that it's not true. And it's also not hard to see why - the underlying foundations of the Christian church especially are rotten. Churches don't have full control of their congregants so churches will never be safe spaces as long as they teach from texts that are racist, sexist, and encourage illogical thinking. I _did_ church shop for a year in hip San Francisco of all places, before coming to this (obvious in hindsight) realization. TBT that time I walked into a church and the first thing they said was "Women were created to be mens' helper" - a panel with Francis Chan. Walked out pretty fast after that. > I'd advocate, don't give up, don't dismiss religion based on people's failings, but instead, challenge people What does that mean -- challenge people? You're encouraging folks like me to put up with endless bullshit and look for something that doesn't exist. No thanks.
    • sky_rw 3y ago
      Going to church regularly does not mean you have a rich spiritual life.
    • grassmannian 3y ago
      Interestingly, it seems like some women's monastic communities (ostensibly the pinnacle of rich spiritual life and engagement with community) are much less likely to experience midlife crises, see https://www.jstor.org/stable/43682330 https://www.jstor.org/stable/43682330 Figures 1 and 2.
      • sph 3y ago
        I reckon nuns don't deal with a lot of Zoom job interviews after being laid off, pointy-haired bosses, relationship troubles, making ends meet, and paying rent. That helps a little.
    • Lamad123 3y ago
      Yes, you can almost say that St. Augustine and Luther and others were having some sort of quarter/mid-life crises.
    • deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
  • UncleOxidant 3y ago
    When those 5+ kids move out of the house, that's when those guys tend to have their midlife crisis.
    • xyzelement 3y ago
      I think it's again a modern secular assumption that your kids move out and there's some sort of deep emptiness. The traditional expectation is that your kids move out to be married and bless you with grandchildren, not to abandon you to rot.
      • dotnet00 3y ago
        I don't see how the kids "blessing" their parents with grandchildren matters much. My parents had a hard time adapting after I, as the youngest, also moved out and finally started being able to support myself, even though they had grandchildren from my eldest sibling to think about. In the end, for them the point still stands that their own kids are adults now, and while grandchildren are fun to take care of, they aren't typically the same amount of responsibility on grandparents as on parents. It still leads to suddenly having time to think about their own life, as well as the freedom to take risks, creating the same room for a crisis.
        • badpun 3y ago
          > My parents had a hard time adapting after I, as the youngest, also moved out and finally started being able to support myself, even though they had grandchildren from my eldest sibling to think about. "Thinking about" probably won't do them much good. Seeing them on a regular basis, on the other hand, has great effects on many grandparents. Obviously, this requires that children don't move far away from parents, but many family-oriented parents stay close.
          • dotnet00 3y ago
            I don't literally mean that they only have to think about them.
  • version_five 3y ago
    I thought the circumstances you describe are what leads to the typical midlife crisis. Not always, but people wake up and realize they're trapped in a life (kids, obligations, job) that sort of crept up on them, and feel like they need to let off some steam. A lot of (perhaps including the article's authors) modern "mid-life crises" are more what I've heard of as "quarter life crises" - you finish school, get a job, you're in a rut where you don't have an obvious next step and you're starting at possible decades of the same, you get depressed. But now a lot of people are like 35 at that time so it almost overlaps with the 80's version of a midlife crisis. This happened to me, I accomplished roughly what I'd planned professionally at about 30 and then realized it wasn't what I wanted and had no idea what to do next.
    • PaulHoule 3y ago
      There is this book https://www.amazon.com/Passages-Predictable-Crises-Adult-Life/dp/0553271067 https://www.amazon.com/Passages-Predictable-Crises-Adult-Lif... which factually points out that most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so. I had one around 30, another in my early 40s, and another at 49. If you read between the lines in Freud you could also get the picture that a psychoanalysis would be likely to span the duration of such a crisis (say 18 months) and improve the outcome you get. The author, Gail Sheehy, gave a talk at Ithaca College about a decade ago and actually said that she disowned that book for a few reasons: (1) Passages is positive for divorce as a way that people who are evolving at different rates and in different directions to realize themselves. She realized later on that divorce is overall highly destructive. (2) The paths that people take aren't quite so predictable. (3) Passages was based on a study of graduates of an elite school, one thing that stands out is that none of the case studies consider serious deprivation, in fact you never once hear that somebody wanted to do X or Y but didn't because they couldn't afford it. In the sense that the experience of most people is "dark matter" you might want to read https://www.amazon.com/Silences-Tillie-Olsen/dp/1558614400 https://www.amazon.com/Silences-Tillie-Olsen/dp/1558614400 In particular divorce might work out well for somebody like Bill Gates or Elon Musk who can trade in their tired old nag for a hot young thing but for most ordinary people and their families it's profoundly harmful. Sheehy went on to write numerous more books on the same subject.
  • Loocid 3y ago
    Isn't the stereotypical midlife crisis the Dad whose kids have all moved out? I don't think that has anything to do with modernity or secularity, it's more to do with a large change that triggers a revaluation of your life. That could happen to anyone.
    • fullshark 3y ago
      I view the stereotypical midlife crisis as the dad/husband who decides to buy a sports car and act 25 again possibly cheat on his wife.
      • Loocid 3y ago
        That's the stereotypical midlife crisis "what" for sure. I was more talking about the "who". My point was I don't think it's limited to the secular modern person.
    • xyzelement 3y ago
      // the Dad whose kids have all moved out I think that too is a modern and secular thing. If you got 5 kids there's a good chance the older one has made you a grandfather while the younger ones are still at home. So you sort of transition from meaning to meaning
  • maximinus_thrax 3y ago
    > Thinking to my religious friends who have 5+ kids, a rich spiritual life and deep engagement with community, it's very hard to imagine them going through one. As someone who grew up in a religious family/community, this comment made me burst out laughing.
    • api 3y ago
      When modern people feel unhappy they often fantasize about an idealized traditional or primitive life imagining that would be better. People in those lives often do the opposite, imagining being unencumbered or living some kind of cosmopolitan life. It’s pretty normal to imagine “elsewhere” when you are unhappy. “Elsewhere” is by definition not where you are. As far as I can tell angst is normal for human beings and everyone in every lifestyle feels it.
  • Barrin92 3y ago
    >it's very hard to imagine them going through one because they've outsourced most critical decisions to their faith. As Jung said, people don't have ideas, ideas have people. It's very easy to obtain meaning by getting in a sense hijacked by a very convincing set of beliefs.
    • theduder99 3y ago
      sounds like Jung's idea has you.
      • kgwxd 3y ago
        Or you could just look out the window and see Jung simply made an objective observation. Facts don't need an authoritative voice to make them any truer.
        • operatingthetan 3y ago
          I think you're sidestepping an important nuance of what Jung was saying.
    • xyzelement 3y ago
      I agree with the "ideas have people" framing. If you are choosing a set of ideas to "he had by" - ones that let you navigate life (eg bypassing the midlife crisis) sound good.
    • mistermann 3y ago
      It's also very easy to fall for the sensation that not being religious grants one omniscient knowledge of those who are. Somewhat ironically, some religions are some of the best ways to learn about this and other important phenomena that seem unknown to secularists (in ways that are important, and doing some reading ain't guaranteed to make the cut). Everyone is doing their best, but each of us have our own blind spots. Best to work as a team so we can cover each other's shortcomings.
  • grecy 3y ago
    > I wonder if the mid life crisis is a completely modern and secular malady The hint is in the name - crisis. I genuinely think it's a point people reach where they realize (or finally admit to themselves) that what they've been doing with their lives up until this point is deeply unsatisfying, so they make drastic changes. Our "modern" western life is not fulfilling, healthy or enjoyable.
    • VoodooJuJu 3y ago
      >Our "modern" western life is not fulfilling, healthy or enjoyable. Who is "our"? Western countries, especially Anglo countries, are comprised of a thousand thousand different cultures. Which among those are unfulfilling, unenjoyable, unhealthy? I'm sure some are nice. We're not all the same, not remotely.
      • grecy 3y ago
        > Which among those are unfulfilling, unenjoyable, unhealthy? I was thinking of the one where we go to jobs for 40+ hours a week that are not fulfilling, we don't get to spend much time with our families, we don't get time to sleep and exercise enough... and we have to do it for essentially our entire lives in the hopes we'll get a few years to be put out to pasture
        • taneq 3y ago
          Sure is pretty unfulfilling to be not independently wealthy
          • grecy 3y ago
            There are many other ways to go about it, wealth is not needed to live a fulfilling life. I have found it extremely fulfilling to work for my own needs - building houses, hunting my own food, growing my own vegetables. Doing so takes 20-30 hours per week, and the rest of the time I get to spend with my friends and family. Obviously it's not for everyone, but I'm saying that people get into a mid life "crisis" because they realize what they've been doing isn't making them happy deep down.
  • VoodooJuJu 3y ago
    [flagged]
    • FeteCommuniste 3y ago
      What a load of crap. Many of us haven’t been to church in decades yet still are in loving marriages with kids, not frowning and “all alone.” If there’s resentment it’s in part an effect of this stupid insistence that only religious “solutions” can lead to happiness.
      • dang 3y ago
        Please don't respond to a bad comment by breaking the site guidelines yourself. That only makes things worse. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
    • deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
  • verbify 3y ago
    I grew up as an ultra orthodox Jew - where people have 5+ kids and there is a lot of focus on religious life and community. There are plenty of extremely bitter people who might love their kids but feel trapped by the lifestyle (they don't want to leave their kids, spouse but it gives them no space for anything else). And many of them struggle with meaning in life - the community, religion and kids don't solve that.
    • deleted 3y ago
      [deleted]
    • lanstin 3y ago
      Different religion, but my ex-wife's family were all baptists and I've never met women as angry at men as the older women in that family. They had obeyed and submitted and got angrier and angrier as the decades wore on. Didn't help that, despite the strict religion, there was a good bit of alcoholism amongst the men. They did have very good food at the family reunions, and a big family, but that's about the limit of positive characteristics I can enumerate. (Not that everyone was bad, a few cousins managed to join the modern world of loving-kindness and science).
    • xyzelement 3y ago
      I am somewhat familiar with Orthodox Jews, though probably a different area than what you grew up with. I think what's been lost in places is that living an outwardly religious life is one thing[0], while being deeply religious inwardly is the next level. The second thing is harder to teach or even talk about so it gets ignored, vs ritual etc. It's maybe the same as the difference between "dragging yourself to the gym"[0] and "loving fitness." //And many of them struggle with meaning in life - the community, religion and kids don't solve that. This seems like the crux of the difference between deep and superficial engagement with religion. In my experience, a deeply religious person (of any religion) sees a profound amount of connectivity and meaning in everything in the universe, and sees their family and community life in the context of contributing to that meaning. The statement you made is analogous to me to "working out doesn't make you fitter" - it puts a big question mark around the exercise you're doing. [0] While obviously connecting deeply is the goal, there's a lot of benefit to even the less deep engagement. Your friends whom you describe as bitter - you can imagine that the secular society is full of bitterness too, plus no community or kids. Likewise, even if you "drag yourself to the gym" you're way ahead of those who don't, even though you may hate it.
  • ryandrake 3y ago
    Nearing-50, non-religious person checking in here: I don't think it has much to do with religion or non-religion. I must be really lucky or really privileged because I haven't had even a hint of "crisis" that I can remember. Knock on wood that I don't catch it somewhere. Isn't the common denominator of a midlife crisis a yearning for the past? Overwhelming nostalgia? Dad buying a sports car so he can pretend to be 20 and virile again? Mom downing the mimosas at 10AM wishing she didn't make so many mistakes in the past? Uncle Joe can't stop talking about how he was High School senior football captain and had the time of his life in the '70s and that everything sucks now? Me, on the other hand? I'd never want to go back to my 30s or 20s and especially my teenage years. High School was literally the worst part of my life, I'm talking rock bottom, and my 20s were not much better. But every year thereafter has been better than the previous one. I'm totally optimistic about the future! And while I might not be making more money year after year, I always feel like I have a purpose to achieve, and as my kid grows up, there always seems like there are future moments to look forward to. None of this requires religion.
    • anthonygd 3y ago
      > Isn't the common denominator of a midlife crisis a yearning for the past? Overwhelming nostalgia? I don't think so. I'd describe a midlife crisis as more of a fear you don't have enough time to do what's next. I've always wanted a Ferrari; if I don't get it now, when will I? I discovered bouldering in my 40's and hate the fact that I can never be competitive; if only I had started 20 years earlier... at this point, every year limits how much time I have left for those new adventures I haven't discovered yet. I think Uncle Joe just complains because he's crabby.
      • Schnitz 3y ago
        Exactly this. You realize that your choices actually matter in the big picture. You have only so many years to work with, it becomes clear that some of the things in the “later” bucket will have to move to the “never” bucket. That makes you question things much more. Should I really go to the pub for the umpteenth time with my mates and lose my Sunday to a hangover? Oh I’d rather do something else and get a full Sunday! That’s only one example, but it is also a good one. You can try to make the most of your loss of invincibility and infinity and utilize that feeling to make better choices than in the past. No point dwelling on if those 10000 hours playing video games were well spent.
  • kgwxd 3y ago
    [flagged]
    • xyzelement 3y ago
      That doesn't sound like a person with actual religion.
      • mistermann 3y ago
        I like the way Kierkegaard inverted the scenario: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM24cLo8M/ https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM24cLo8M/ To me, this is better for a causality oriented approach to things, versus the "cultural common sense, everyone knows" intuitive approach that seems to be recommended.
  • sanderjd 3y ago
    For what it's worth, I don't think this is right. The "well, how did I get here?" problem can happen to anybody. Maybe it's not happening to your friends, but certainly there are many people like them who wake up some days wondering why they are struggling to find enough purpose and meaning in all those beautiful things they've built their lives around, and battling to envision their path back to contentment.
  • boringg 3y ago
    The U Curve probably correlates with midlife crises being that being at the low of the U curve with some other push triggers a crises. But yeah religiosity does correlate positively with happiness (no surprise there - you offload existential worries for religious dogma) https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.837638/full https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.8376...
  • Lamad123 3y ago
    It's not!! We were told as kids that prophets in general became prophets at that age around 40!! It's the case for Mohammed at least and if your read up on his life around that age, you can easily imagine he was going through a mid-life crisis!!
    • za3faran 3y ago
      One can imagine anything, including unrealistic and baseless things. Reality, however, is different. This is evident by the many people who carefully studied his biography and ended up embracing Islam (some of them being heavily anti-Islam themselves before that).
      • Lamad123 3y ago
        A mid-life crisis is not necessarily a bad thing!! It's probably one of the most important spiritual experiences a person can have. We are told that Mohammed used to spend long times in the Hiraa cave kinda meditating or thinking about things that are not part of ordinary life.. Somebody with midlife crisis is one who has questions and searching for answers! They are asking: "Who am I? What am I doing in this world!?"
        • za3faran 3y ago
          Contemplating in God's creations is not a midlife crisis, but a spiritual endeavor.
  • j0hnyl 3y ago
    Secular people seem way more emotionally stable to me than those I would call religious.
  • dang 3y ago
    No doubt it takes different forms now than in the 14th century, but Dante began his Inferno with a mid-life crisis: Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a dark forest For the straightforward path had been lost.
    • ddq 3y ago
      Hell, the book of Ecclesiastes could be read as a midlife crisis. “Vanity of vanity, all is vanity.”
    • pbourke 3y ago
      A man wakes up in a strange room He doesn't recognize the woman next to him He gets out of bed, there's a wallet on the dresser He opens it up, looks inside at the driver's license in there with his face on it And someone else's name
  • weregiraffe 3y ago
    [flagged]
    • dang 3y ago
      Please don't cross into religious flamewar. That's the last thing we want in HN threads, and we're trying to avoid flamewar, putdowns, and name-calling in general. If you wouldn't mind reviewing https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and taking that intention to heart, we'd be grateful. Fortunately most other commenters sharing your point of view in this thread have been making their substantive points thoughtfully, so there are plenty of good examples nearby. Edit: unfortunately your account has been posting a lot of unsubstantive and/or flamebait comments - e.g. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36391350 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36391350 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36336547 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=36336547 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35872437 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=35872437 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34726946 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34726946 Can you please not do that? It's not what this site is for, and destroys what it is for.
  • za3faran 3y ago
    Yes I wouldn't be surprised at all. It's easy to see how much lower suicide rates are for example in so called "third world" countries that have been war torn, due to no small part by Western colonialism, compared to "advanced first world" countries, which are generally highly secular and have higher standards of living. Believing in God plays a major role in maintaining mental sanity, particularly in the faces of challenges. Personally speaking, Islam has helped me and many others I have either personally observed or heard about navigate far from ideal circumstances. I've known people who have lost spouses, children, or even entire close families, yet they remain steadfast and strong.
    • ihateolives 3y ago
      > It's easy to see how much lower suicide rates are for example in so called "third world" countries How good/trustworthy is the data on suicides in those countries? Highly religious countries are not keen on showing and sharing unfavourable data.
      • za3faran 3y ago
        That last claim needs backing up. Sources are World Health Organization (Suicide Rates 2019) and World Health Statistics (World Health Organization)
  • kortilla 3y ago
    Lol no, I saw religious cousins’ families go through major shakeups during midlife crises. One ended with divorce after a nice string of affairs and a departure from the church. Another was quitting a stable white collar job, buying a motorcycle, and spending nearly every night at a bar. A community does not prevent them. A spiritual life definitely doesn’t prevent them (disillusionment is frequently a cause). Kids don’t help, but they certainly put immense pressure on you to not upend everything so it gives the appearance that it might not be happening to outsiders.
  • nickd2001 3y ago
    100% . People who prioritise helping others, as long as they don't overdo it and burn out, are far less prone to depression. Having a bad day? Feeling depressed, frustrated with your life? Go do something to put a smile on someone else's face. That can really snap you out of it. Of course, we (and I'd have to include myself) all forget to do this as often as we should. I agree that its a secular malady. Its almost as though Jesus was exactly right and knew what was good for us ( * caveat - this is based on an assumption that Jesus actually existed / what he said was correctly reported ;). )
  • lm28469 3y ago
    We gave up religion(s) and tradition(s) for consumerism, turns out buying shit is not the optimal long term fulfilment panacea. Add absolute lack of body and mind hygiene and you get to feel like a complete waste of life by the time you hit your 40s. By then you realise discipline/work could have put you in a really nice place, socially, physically, professionally, but now it's too late, the damage is done, you can only pick up the crumbs and have to work twice as hard to get anywhere close to what it could have been => mid life crisis. Buying a porsche gt3 and a nice house with a swimming pool won't make up for wasting 20+ yours of your life behind a desk
  • multiplegeorges 3y ago
    > religious friends ... it's very hard to imagine them going through one So much great literature and philosophy was written specifically because religious people went through crises of faith where they re-interpreted their entire social/religious world. Kierkegaard being one most people know. Same thing, different name.
• rcme 3y ago
  I hope I don’t have a midlife crisis. I would view that as somewhat of a failure. I had like 40+ years to figure out what I wanted my life to be like. Feeling the need to change course after so much time would be a little lame.
  • beachy 3y ago
    You could be on the right course but still unsatisfied with your achievements. This is probably pretty common.
  • jebarker 3y ago
    But you've figured out what 20 year old and 30 year old you wanted, not necessarily what 40 year old you wants. I was shocked by the cookie cutter midlife crisis I had upon hitting 40 despite thinking I was doing all the right things before that.
    • rcme 3y ago
      My decision making has largely been driven by looking at those older than me and asking myself if that’s the type of life I want to live. If the answer is yes, then I use those people as role models. So I think my optimization strategy has been on a longer time horizon than just what I want in my 20s or 30s.
      • jebarker 3y ago
        Did you ask those people whether they have the same desires in their old age as they did when they were younger? EDIT: my question comes across as combative and snarky. I honestly hope your strategy works out. Just for me the life I now enjoy in my 40s is not one I ever thought I'd want and it was a rough fews years getting over that.
        • rcme 3y ago
          I didn't take it as snarky. I could write a long essay on how I've used the experiences of those older than me to make decisions, but I'll spare you the diatribe. One strategy, though, is to ask people about their experiences. Do you mind sharing what was rough about those years in your 40s?
• surfsvammel 3y ago
  I read the book Midlife: A Philosophical Guide by Kieran Setiya. I found it interesting and helpful. https://press.princeton.edu/books/hardcover/9780691173931/midlife https://press.princeton.edu/books/hardcover/9780691173931/mi...
• quickthrower2 3y ago
  Midlife crisis needs to be split into the "responsible for kids" and "not" categories. The "not" people can do wilder/riskier things, although I suspect on average they don't since fear of things massively outweighs "can you actually do it" factors. Probably the paper boxes we build are smaller than the metal ones outside of them.
  • turnsout 3y ago
    I struggle with this—if you have kids, sometimes staying the course feels like the "responsible" thing to do. But plenty of people get laid off out of the blue, and plenty of people pursue their dream and have a thriving second career. There is probably no right answer, but I guess the question is: "what decision can you live with?"
    • sircastor 3y ago
      That’s tricky though, because the decision you can live with becomes the decision your partner and children also have to live with - and they get much less choice in the matter.
      • boringg 3y ago
        True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.
        • foobarian 3y ago
          It should enter into the equation for sure. Is the kid better off with a revolving door of abusive "boyfriends" and mother who works three jobs or one bitter dad? Not a pretty picture.
        • steve_taylor 3y ago
          Fulfilment doesn’t feed your children or put a roof over their heads. The expectation is that men provide. The wife and kids would prefer a bitter provider over a happy “deadbeat”.
• yizhang7210 3y ago
  Yep I've just started my mid life crisis at 31...
  • carlossouza 3y ago
    Wait until 40. It hits harder.
• sph 3y ago
  Good advice, from a 36 year old middle aged man 3 years into a midlife crisis after a massive work-related burnout event. A couple more pieces of advice from me: * A midlife crisis has its own glacial pace. Be prepared to be upside down for a long time. * Be prepared not to be the same person you were before. Be prepared to learn there is no turning back. * If you're in a midlife crisis, your previous life was simply not good enough and reality has caught up to you. Go through the process, and you'll become a better person. * Outsource your mental health during this phase to professionals. Not even your spouse might be able to accept what comes out of this reconfiguration of yours. You will probably need the help of someone that is not invested in your previous existence to hold you in this trying time. -- 3 years in, it's getting better, I miss part of my previous life, but I know who I am now, how I operate, and I won't compromise to fit someone else's mould anymore. In your childhood you had no say in how you were grown and pieced together. You had to carry whatever they had built for you until you broke down. Now is your chance to start over and do a better job at it. Good luck!
  • neilv 3y ago
    How close to Breaking Bad has it gotten?
    • TimesOldRoman 3y ago
      On a scale from Walter White to Willy Wonka, how WW are you?
    • sph 3y ago
      Less like Breaking Bad and more that like meme of Pablo Escobar waiting in a melancholic mood. https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pablo-escobar-waiting https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pablo-escobar-waiting
      • TimesOldRoman 3y ago
        I have had a couple sabbaticals, and that is me around day 12.
    • 3y ago
• dfads3434 3y ago
  [flagged]
• codazoda 3y ago
  I’m 47 and I’m not sure if I’ve had a midlife crisis, which probably means I have not. My adult kids, however, joke that I’ve had one a year for as long as they’ve been alive. I’m what the late Barbara Sher called a Scanner. I keep a Scanners Daybook and lots of other notebooks and I’m always working on a new project or hobby. When someone asks about my hobbies I often say that I’m a serial hobbyist.
  • berdon 3y ago
    My response is “my hobby is collecting hobbies”. I think it’s more I’m just interested in learning anything and everything. I’ve never heard of a scanner or a daybook. Coincidentally, I’ve been deeply invested in finding the best way to keep notes… But a non-digital format loses a lot of utility without searching, etc… Maybe I should try it anyway.
• johndhi 3y ago
  This unfortunately falls into the same category in my mind as most advice: "you should ... X." My mind is sick of hearing the things I should do. I know I should be better and fitter and less wasteful but... I'm tired.
  • weard_beard 3y ago
    Same. My midlife crisis is hiding from the eyes in the dark outside the campfire instead of shouting at them like a maniac as I did in my 20s/30s. I bought a shitty boat and a steamdeck. Its nice.
  • sph 3y ago
    Don't. People and peers on the internet are selling the bullshit idea that they're doing a lot and you're just lazying around. It's fake news. They're selling you a mirage, not by malice, but because everyone else is doing it. You keep hearing of the Ken Thompsons and Oppenheimers and you barely have the mental fortitude to plumb 2 JS libraries in a work day. Stop pursuing the things you should do. Do less. Slave away on someone else's dream the last amount of hours possible to maintain a decent lifestyle. Until you reach a point where you find your innate creativity you thought you had lost in your teenage years shining in, driving you. That might require a massive lifestyle change. But for the love of God stop listening and comparing to anyone. Working on your dream 1 hour a month is more than the vast majority of people do, and at the end of the day, you'll turn to dust like Albert Einstein did, whether you accomplished something or just played videogames all day.
    • Marrand 3y ago
      Amen
    • badpun 3y ago
      > Until you reach a point where you find your innate creativity you thought you had lost in your teenage years shining in, driving you. That might require a massive lifestyle change. I'm 42, don't have to work any more really and haven't been for some time now, and the innate creativity is not calling me at all. Perhaps I was always a bit dull, lol. Anyway, people should be seriously prepared for the possibility that their dreams of pursuing projects "once have the time" were just an escape fantasy to help cope with suckiness of work. Lots of people who retire early return back to their previous line of work, because they can't really find meaning in anything, and structured and organized work within some company at least gives a little bit of it. The lesson from that is - don't burn your bridges.
• bsimpson 3y ago
  This mentality is why I'm nomadding despite the constant threats of Return to Office. (I'm at Google.) I spent a dozen years in San Francisco. I know what serves me there and what doesn't. I know that I find day-to-day life there low-key depressing. I know my friends there have largely moved away and/or moved on to the next chapters of their lives. I know it's way too hard to find a suitable romantic partner there. Kowtowing to the RTO whims would be relegating myself to another year that's probably a lot like the other ones, with the hard parts getting harder with every year lost. I don't know where my forever home is, but I owe it to myself to figure it out.
  • pfannkuchen 3y ago
    Where have you tried so far?
  • layman51 3y ago
    What would you say makes San Francisco particularly difficult to find a suitable romantic partner for you if you don’t mind answering? I am curious to hear what you think because I have also heard the same thing about SF and even about Austin, TX.
    • ip26 3y ago
      There are 12% more men than women there. This might not sound bad, but remember 37% of people in CA are already married…
      • snek_case 3y ago
        It's also become very trendy to be "polyamorous" over there. I think part of it sort of fits with the culture where there are a lot of people constantly arriving in and leaving the city, and even people making a lot of money have to have roommates because housing is so expensive. It means there aren't a lot of people looking for anything long-term.
        • throw9away6 3y ago
• fnord77 3y ago
  well now I hear this :(
• danielvaughn 3y ago
  I turn 39 in a week, and I might be hitting something like a mid-life crisis. Though I'm successful by many metrics, there's so much I wanted to do by this point in my life that I've been feeling like a failure. For instance, there's been this side project that I first got the idea for in 2014 and have been actively working on since 2017, and I still haven't released it yet because I keep going back to the drawing board and overthinking everything. I'm terrified that my body is slowing down and I won't have the energy to see it through.
  • camillomiller 3y ago
    Welcome to the club! A lot of all this comes from the highly unrealistic expectations that we set for ourselves that make us incapable of appreciating how much we actually achieved and how much we already got. Now, knowing that’s the source of the discomfort is great. Actually being able to live with it and let it go it’s totally a different story.
  • deleted 3y ago
    [deleted]
  • taneq 3y ago
    A lot of us at this age were brought up to believe we could be anything, do anything, achieve anything. The subtext of “pick one or two things and you may achieve modest success” was perhaps not sufficiently emphasised. Add to this that the definition of “do well” has morphed from “be one of the better accomplished kids in your school” to be more like “be in the top 1% nationally” (or even globally) and there’s a serious impedance mismatch there.
• camillomiller 3y ago
  >> Higgs was saying that the artists he admires are people like David Lynch. People who you wouldn’t think there’s an obvious place for them in the world, but they just do their stuff regardless, and a place sort of builds around them.” As someone who’s definitely nearing or within a MLC, I’m so fed up with this narrative. It’s pure and simple survival bias. Most of the people doing exactly this end up frustrated, poor, forgotten, incapable of recognizing their own narcissistic personality, and surrounded by scattered/broken/dysfunctional relationship. A very tiny minority, despite all that, gets successful, and yet we build entire narrative universes around these few outliers and their survival bias.
• axiom92 3y ago
  > The options seemed to be: If I went for it, I’d be penniless, and if I didn’t go for it, I’d be bitter. I’d be bitter going forward. Penniless certainly beats bitter. So I made the decision. Kind of like industry -> PhD decision.
• moron4hire 3y ago
  This is hustle porn. All of Kleon's books are hustle porn. A lot of, "you just gotta, like, do, man." Not a lot of whatever the hell that means for the millions of folks who exist in the long tail of every creative market, struggling day in and day out to try to escape the doldrums of their day jobs, but never making it. Year after year. YouTube video after YouTube video. New social media site after new social media site. Kleon's (and others like him, one of which I would consider Paul Graham) success is in no small part due to selling you a story that success is attainable. But it's probably not. Hustle porn makes its bank on you thinking you're going to be the one to beat the odds. You're probably not. You buy the books and t-shirts and the prints and the seminars and you fill the coffers of someone else's success. You probably don't even really want success. If you play the "and then what?" game on "what would you do if you had what you want?", you'll eventually realize all you want is happiness. Success isn't happiness. There are lots of successful, deeply unhappy people. Focus on the happiness. You can make a thing. And you can absolutely not sell it. You can make a thing and not even tell anyone about it. If making a thing makes you happy, focus on that. The rest is a distraction, someone else telling you that making the thing isn't enough, that it has to be "successful" before it's "real". Yes, happiness is easier when you're financially stable. That's not the same thing as the "success" that hustle porn tries to sell. Hustle porn needs you to remain dissatisfied so you keep buying the hustle porn. Do what it takes to be financially stable. It's good if you can make that be your source of happiness, too, but get ready to accept that you probably can't. Just choose to be happy. How? You just do. You just decide, "I'm going to be happy." And then it happens. It's really fuggin' weird, but it works.
  • camillomiller 3y ago
    Thanks for saying this out loud.
  • sedatk 3y ago
    On a similar note, I find the "don't waste it on a car, use your imagination" dichotomy quite shallow. Do whatever that makes you happy. You can buy that car if you want, and do great things at the same time too if that's your thing. Or, maybe you're happy with your car, and your work too. You don't owe anyone to be that designated person. You may need to own that car in order to truly process whether you need it in your life or not, or to feel having control over one part of your life, and transfer that perspective to the other parts. Human psychology is quite complicated, and usually you're the most informed person about yourself.
• sircastor 3y ago
  I recall my parents both independently confiding to me that the other was going through a midlife crisis and I think what they were actually doing was just trying to define the others behavior as the cause for their own unhappiness. And specifically push me into believing one or the other was the one behaving oddly. If you’re experiencing a midlife crisis, please be honest and straightforward with your partner, and the other people in your life. You’re feeling the loss of opportunity and possibility, but that doesn’t mean everything about your life is wrong. Your partner may be able to help.
• more_corn 3y ago
  I’ve always thought midlife crisis was a weird thing. Nobody knows when they’ll die. Maybe you die in an avalanche at 24. At which point you probably should have reassessed your life and assumptions at 12. Or maybe you die in a car accident at 18. Or a house fire at 32. Maybe you’re gunned down by the husband of the lady you’re sleeping with at 74. If there’s any benefit from a midlife crisis you should probably get on it today. Nobody knows the hour and manner of his end. You might have missed your midlife already!
  • hirvi74 3y ago
    In this context, midlife describes a time period in human development not the actual midpoint of one's life. > If there’s any benefit from a midlife crisis you should probably get on it today. Nobody knows the hour and manner of his end. I completely agree.
  • ThrowAway1922A 3y ago
    This isn't reassuring, it's depressing. God we truly are cursed aren't we? Being born into this meat grinder is not worth it and we are unlucky to be here.
    • aftoprokrustes 3y ago
      The awareness of the innevitability of death can actually be freeing and help give more depth to life. For instance Maranasati practices in most branches of Buddhism or the "Memento Mori" of the romans and middle age christians. I am actually even convinced that death, even with all the pain and despair it brings, is necessary for beauty and mystery. And I say this as someone who had several close relatives dying recently and went through grief and accompanying the grief of others. Midlife crisis might actually be an example of that: "why am I waste my time? It is limited, I need to make something meaningful" would likely not be a common thought if we were immortal. You cannot waste what is in infinite supply. (Note that this is a theme one finds in Buddhist cosmology: birth in the human realm is seen as better than birth in the heavenly realms, where life is so long it is essentially infinite, because it is human mortality that helps getting the drive to study the Buddhas teachings to end the cycle of rebirth. Very refreshing idea if compared to classical conceptions of the Christian paradise)
• JackFr 3y ago
  Terrible advice. Survivor bias.
• totetsu 3y ago
  Does anyone have any suggestions for good workbooks for planning ones way towards big long term things like the life change goals that come out of a midlife crisis?
  • heyoni 3y ago
    Emacs, definitely. Org roam. Someone else in this thread mentioned a Scanner day book?
• nytesky 3y ago
  Midlife crisis is about recognizing your mortality and limited time left, and looking at what you have done and finding it comes up short to what you hoped for your life. The reality of how little time you have left is a key component, that death is stalking every decision and will likely curtail some plans.
  • shannifin 3y ago
    This is true, but I find it's also difficult to really judge the worth of what I've done in life. My mind's default for judging is: "Was my work popular? Did it make good money?" And all my endeavors have certainly failed in those regards. But of course there are many things we do in daily life that can hardly be judged that way, and whose effects we cannot see.
    • BOOSTERHIDROGEN 3y ago
      The Qur’an uses the term al-dunya for life on this earth. The word dunya means “nearer” or “something less important or ordinary.” In multiple places, the Qur’an comments on the real nature of life on earth and warns us about its true disposition. It has been described as something of a transient nature, a place of transit, test and trials, and actions. It is also a place for learning, spiritual development and growth. What one achieves here is manifested during the next phase of existence which is a constant, higher and more permanent phase of existence: And what is the life of this world other than play and amusement? (Qur’an, Surah al-Anʿam, 6:32) And I created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Qur'an, Surah al-Dhariyat - Verses 56) age of forty has special significance in Islam. Regarding aging, Allah says in the Qur’an, “… until, when he reaches maturity and reaches forty years, he says, ’My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and to work righteousness of which You will approve, and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims’” (Qur’an, 46:15).
    • mattgreenrocks 3y ago
      That’s the cultural default. It is designed to make you the perfect economic actor: always grasping at something unattainable. The resulting void is conveniently matched with a dazzling array of products to use your hard earned money on. You’re being played.
• formvoltron 3y ago
  The only way 40 is midlife is if you spent your life so far behind a desk.
  • ehnto 3y ago
    That's going to be quite a lot of people. It is also pretty spot on if thinking in life expectancy terms.
• IAmGraydon 3y ago
  I think a more reduced and perhaps more broadly applicable version is to never waste pain. It can propel you just like the promise of reward can. They’re opposite sides of the same coin.
• shannifin 3y ago
  I'm not sure I understand what exactly the advice is. Is it just "don't be afraid to do something risky, as you might regret not going for it"? That doesn't seem helpful to me, I can easily regret doing something I really wanted to do before. "I can be penniless or I can be bitter." Why not both? If I try something risky and fail and end up penniless, I'll be penniless and bitter.
  • snek_case 3y ago
    That's true. I agree that taking big financial risks, especially later in life, is not necessarily the best advice. Risk is relative though. Plenty of people in this thread talking about programming projects they've been working on for years and have rewritten multiple times, never releasing anything. What would have been the risk in releasing something earlier? I have a friend who is a musician. He obsessed over individual songs that he produces for months, and doesn't release very much. I think he has this idea that he's going to be hugely successful someday, but I keep telling him, I think you would build more of a following if you released more of your work. The worst that could happen is that people don't like it that much, but there's something about getting used to putting yourself out. There are also people who dream of a better work environment and never apply for other jobs. It can be risky to just quit your job when you have a family to care for, but it's often possible to interview in other places without leaving your current job.
    • shannifin 3y ago
      Creative endeavors can be especially difficult because it can mean lots of work with very little chance of financial success. You really have to enjoy the process itself (or at least find a healthy balance between the creation and business sides of it). If you do, there's not much risk, you'll get enjoyment out of it at least. But you really have to be honest with yourself about your expectations. (That is, even if you tell yourself you're doing it for fun, but you're secretly still planning to "make it big", you're probably setting yourself up for disappointment.)
• jodacola 3y ago
  I turned 40 last year, shortly after “making it” to my career goal: CTO of a hyper-growth start-up. Shortly after my birthday, my daughter, who had just started middle school, was hospitalized because she was suicidal. What I believe has been a midlife crisis exploded with such tremendous force, I thought I was losing my mind. Thank goodness for good therapy, which I immediately sought. This is the most profound reconfiguration I’ve ever experienced. I’m excited for the person I’ll be at the other end of this, and how my life will feel, but I’ve learned there is no planning for any of this. There is no white-knuckling any of this. I’m relearning how to connect to myself and how to shape a life around that connection. It’s not easy. It’s not close to done. It’s exciting. Terrifying. To the author’s point: I’m not wasting this opportunity. That doesn’t mean I’m writing books or or doing things to keep busy. For me, wasting this opportunity would be ignoring the incredible self-reflection, forgoing the reconnection with self, and powering through the burnout and discomfort to keep on with plans I laid for reasons I’m not sure I fully understand anymore. There is a peace I’m sensing, and I can’t wait until I’m fully aligned with it. For those of you experiencing similar, I wish you the best. I think our best years are ahead of us.
  • austinl 3y ago
    If you don't mind sharing, where did you find a therapist, and what is their background? It seems like there is such a wide range of options, and I'm a bit hesitant about the online platforms.
    • lentil_soup 3y ago
      Not OP but I had the same problem as you, too many options. My advice is to just pick one and try it, you'll have a much better understanding of what you need/want after you've talked to one. If they don't give you a good feeling, you pick another one
    • rednalexa 3y ago
      Also not OP, but if you open up with any mental health positive people in your life, that's a great place to start. They may even have a recommendation which will really ease a lot of your worries going in as it largely is a personality based thing in my experience. Also - give a call to some therapists. You can choose some arbitrary screening criteria that make you comfortable - like if you only want to talk to men because you're a man and worry about that, or if you want to find an lgbtq-oriented therapist, those types of things can be filtered. There are even faith-adjacent therapists - but I personally would be uncomfortable with that - but they exist! Once you have a list after filtering down of 3-5 therapists, call each for a consult. During the consult, if you don't like the therapist, cross them out. After calling 3-5 you can choose the one that your gut tells you. If you can't commit even then, then flip a coin on them to be honest. If your gut tells you to go with two different ones, choose one at random and try it out. Finally one other thing that I found surprising was even if someone marks cognitive behavioral therapy on their listing (A lot of them do!) - they may not use it in a 'tool-based' fashion. Meaning, you won't get a lot of homework. If you are someone who needs take home work to be able to function, this could be a question you ask during your calls. Here is an example of how it could go: You have the criteria: 1. Must be LGBTQ positive 2. Must accept my insurance 3. Must be skills-based oriented around processing emotions With these three, if I cannot find the information on their page, I can ask them during the consultation call something like: 1. If you don't accept insurance, can you do a super-bill so I can file a claim with my insurance? 2. Do you do skills-based learning as part of your practice They may say "no, but I do X, Y, Z" in response Anyway, I'm not editing this down but hopefully that helps a little.
• ThrowAway1922A 3y ago
  I am not quite old enough for a midlife crisis, but suffered a period of extreme burn out which was followed by some kind of crisis/breakdown and I am actively in the process of destroying my life and everything good I worked for. I at this point both hope that I'm still here to experience a "midlife" crisis and that it isn't even half as bad as this has been.
• detestablelife 3y ago
  Throw away ID, as a a peasant who has grown from being very poor in a third world country and currently living in a first world country with acceptable lifestyle, this is poor idea to myself because mid life crisis is only for people who are rich, the poor are too busy trying to live rather than changing it.
• uwagar 3y ago
  what is waste?
• mikhailfranco 3y ago
  Podcast discussion of this topic from Freakonomics: Are You Having a Midlife Crisis? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQzxEC-qbU4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQzxEC-qbU4
• sharas- 3y ago
  "Life really does begin at forty. Up until then, you are just doing research." - Carl Jung WTF are you talking about? "crisis", it's such western cliche. You actually start living after 40.
• dmje 3y ago
  My midlife crisis at 40 was more like a midlife epiphany. We moved from a perfectly good and totally beautiful city (Bath, UK) into the arse end of nowhere in Devon to live in a shack in the woods with no running water and to be near the sea. We went with two small (8 and 5) kids (responding to those here saying it's not possible - it is!) and downsized from a busy city life to a quiet rural one. Our intention was to stay a year. After two years we mentioned going back to the kids and they put their feet down - the most relaxed kids in the world decided they knew what was good for them: splashing about in rivers with sticks, fires on the beach, mud, a tiny school, more present parents, late nights lying on a hill looking at the stars. So we listened to them and stayed. We're still in the country, by the sea, and our kids are now nearly grown up. We're having a blast. We're here for them. They're here for us. We'll never be rich but we're a great family unit. If we hadn't had the guts to do a crazy thing (I give all credit to my wife for having the idea!) and decide pretty much off the cuff to follow our "crisis", we'd never have discovered our new life. We've been very fortunate with our circumstances and I never forget that - but fundamental to all of this has been making the leap. Fear of the unknown can be countered by just doing it, knowing that crazy looking decisions can create amazing futures. Doing things is often better than curling up in fear and not doing them. Right. I'm off for a surf :-)
  • htamas 3y ago
    Can I ask what are you and your wife working with now?
    • dmje 3y ago
      Yeh, we run a small web consultancy. I also have another business which is a little more platform-y / SaaSy. Wife has also learned how to be a florist so is building that up too. All fun stuff :-)
  • tux2bsd 3y ago
    [dead]
  • ant6n 3y ago
    I mean good for you. Both my boys (2 and 4) are social butterflies, if they had only each other they’d probably go crazy.
• 4ndrewl 3y ago
  Never waste the chance to comment "but survivorship bias"
  • aftoprokrustes 3y ago
    Totally agree. When he started saying "just write books and readers will come" I had to think about https://xkcd.com/1827/ https://xkcd.com/1827/ Not to say that all he says is rubbish. "Pennyless beats bitter" is a good heuristic and shows that he does not claim that it could not have gone south.
• nextlevelwizard 3y ago
  As a risk averse person when I read this: "Penniless certainly beats bitter" all I can think of is; ending up penniless just makes you penniless AND bitter
• manmal 3y ago
  The stereotypical concept of the big singular midlife crisis has been debunked. Crises occur in every age span, and they are highly individual. I agree though that a crisis should never be wasted.
  • kekebo 3y ago
    Can you recommend a source re:debunking?
    • manmal 3y ago
      My wife is a psychologist (MSc @ university) and psychotherapist (system and family therapy, which is a modern & rather evidence based variant), and we've talked about this recently. According to their training, the stereotypical midlife crisis is a plot device for stories and not rooted in actual observation.
• ulizzle 3y ago
  "If you just waste it on like a car, it’s just a lack of imagination. Mine was the decision to write books and attempt to make a living there." Becoming a novelist is as cliche as trading in your car and wife for newer models. But as someone whose been dead-broke before, I'd pick bitter any say.
• indigoabstract 3y ago
  > Penniless certainly beats bitter. That sounds like a good mantra to motivate oneself.
  • chasd00 3y ago
    Unless you’ve ever been truly penniless. Being bitter beats the true terror of forcing your family to live in a shelter.
    • indigoabstract 3y ago
      That can certainly happen and it is truly scary, not arguing about that. I think what most people here on HN mean by 'penniless' is living with their parents and having no disposable income, or some other stressful arrangement. Something that their (perhaps former) friends and acquaintances would consider an embarrassing failure.
• pdiddy3g 3y ago
  When I was 38, I took upon a challenge to start my 40s on a high. The challenge was simple. I would run 40 half marathons before turning 40. Before this, I was running occasionally. For about 18 months, I ran 2-3 half marathons every month and completed my challenge. By the time I reached 40, I was in the best shape of my life. Also, I figured out that my mind and body can now take any challenge and complete it. I turned 41 in June and already ran more than 70 half marathons and one full marathon (Copenhagen full marathon).
• jack_riminton 3y ago
  This stinks a bit of survivors bias, for every successful person who tried "built it and they will come" there are 1000 people who failed and had to go back to whatever they came from
• pantulis 3y ago
  To take into cosideration: midlife crisis sometimes happens at 40, mine happened at 50. Don't ever think you are going to get away. The realization that there are more years behind your back than in front of you is huge and it will come.
• bloqs 3y ago
  Midlife crisis is simply myth. It is a description of the long awaited convergence of money and youthful desires. Additionally, middle age starting is not robustly defined by your 30s. It varies across cultures. In the UK, having kids much later and having adolescence dragged out due to education and lower wage years is very normal. This is also due in part to life expectancy shifts, and the period of middle age for boomers extending far longer than many realised.
  • bmitc 3y ago
    > Midlife crisis is simply myth. It is a description of the long awaited convergence of money and youthful desires. You say it's a myth but then just aptly described it in a way that makes it seem inevitable.
• 2-718-281-828 3y ago
  boy is this text shallow and lazy ... no way this is accurately priced at floor(pi*100) points. also the guy is falling for survivor ship bias. very shallow. having said that. midlife crisis is at the end of the day about facing mortality. so that's what you need to do. face it. realize you are going to die. you don't know when and there is nothing you can do about it except for living now.
• ainiriand 3y ago
  Been there! Big depression at 40, now fully focused on video game dev and that really saved me.
• ogou 3y ago
  Not every midlife assessment leads to a crisis.
• MailleQuiMaille 3y ago
  How can I prepare for this ? A lot of the comments mention work, which I’ve already chosen to give less importance in my life, money, which I make enough of for now, family, which I don’t have for now but in progress and overall « meaning of life », which I’m I no investigating almost daily. I’ve accepted humans are not meant to know what’s up, otherwise we’d know by now. It’s all about the journey one could say. So yeah. Any other tips ?
• socksy 3y ago
  > The options seemed to be: If I went for it, I’d be penniless, and if I didn’t go for it, I’d be bitter. I’d be bitter going forward. Penniless certainly beats bitter. So I made the decision. And that was ten years ago! And I’m still going. Funny how people never seem to ask the folks who turned out penniless whether it was a good strategy
• ChildOfChaos 3y ago
  This is an interesting read, because I turned 40 this year and I have been struggling, I didn't expect to feel this way, but I also never really understand or registered the magnitude of turning 40 was, I never really processed that I had somehow grown old and I was still just drifting through life, living like I was 20. What is the process for not wasting such Crisis though? I feel part of the reason why I am in this position in the first place, is I never am able to make sense of any of such times, I just struggle through it and eventually it goes away a little bit. Every time I try to figure anything out, I get stuck in overthinking and I don't really know what options are available to me anyway.
  • jfil 3y ago
    Perhaps the best way to navigate such a time of uncertainty is to recognize that you're not even aware of the spectrum of options, and to be open-minded/observing what kind of options are possible. This looks like saying "yes" to an unusual invitation, reading a book in a new genre, doing something mildly out of character - to see what kind of new thing might happen as a consequence. And it doesn't have to be serious, it's "just for research" ;-)
• fxbe12 3y ago
  This is inspiring! I am 37(male) going though one and its certainly has its up and downs. Maybe a few here can let me know what field I should break into. I am Sr developer in the industry for a decade. Regular dev shop and manage 3-4 direct reports and play the senior tech role for a couple of projects at any given time. I enjoy working with code but much less so then years ago. I have a LOT of personality (meeting new people, selling myself, etc.) that I sadly don't get to us at all in my current position. I went to a work conference in DC back in February and talked to strangers non-stop for three days. I loved every minute of it. I am getting bored being at a desk all day and would rather use my personality in my work. I have my past in the technical and want to use my personality to make money now. I know there has to be a place where that's an advantageous combo. I am not afraid to take a pay-cut in transition. My company will hopefully be acquired soon so I should be able to do some hunting. Any advice on what I should pursue? Welcome to suggestions and any private message etc with suggestions. Thanks!