11 ms·

This layoff does not exist

188 points by Satam 4y ago

Satam 4y ago
EDIT: After trending #1 spot on the front page, this got removed it seems. Hopefully this gets resolved but I hope HN'ers had fun either way! Hey HN! Quick project to get my brains warmed up. Used GPT to generate layoff texts and DALL-E for the CEO images. The text generation took a bit of prompt-massaging to get it working as expected but not too long. This is obviously meant to be satirical and not very useful. However, it got me thinking. To create something like this pre-GPT, it would have taken me 10s or 100s of contractors writing the texts. Now it's just me, one person. It's common startup wisdom that to win your product has to 10x better than your competition. It sure does looks like LLM's are 10x-ing or 100x-ing the status quos, at least in certain areas.
- JamesCoyne 4y ago
  Something's broken, I only get Accountability=TRUE messages. Please allow the robot to write in full snark mode
  - Satam 4y ago
    It should be 50/50. But maybe Copilot left a backdoor in my codebase to make itself look more empathetic. What I'm saying is, I take 0 accountability for this not functioning as expected.
- jrochkind1 4y ago
  Certain areas like... selling satirical fake layoff notices? This is really going to disrupt that market! Nobody will ever have to pay hundreds of contractors to write satirical nonsense layoff notices again. But thank you for your project, it's coming up with some pretty hilarious stuff, it made me laugh.
  - bee_rider 4y ago
    It has already captured the whole market for this service!
- graypegg 4y ago
  I mean, it 100x’d the productivity of a project where the measure of success is legible content that’s adequately mad-libbed. ;) I think the PR people writing these layoff notices don’t have anything to worry about for at least… 3 months minimum. But I got a good laugh out of it! Good job!
  - Satam 4y ago
    Glad it gave you a good laugh! Overall, yes, the tech is still quite rough and its not exactly straightforward to get economically valuable outputs out of it. However, even if further AI breakthroughs don't come along, I think smart engineering and duct tape will be enough to create a decent amount of disruption and value. We've never had the "calculator for text" so even a bad one opens ups a lot of new doors.
    - btheshoe 4y ago
      re "calculator for text": gpt => wolfram alpha is scary good
- technofiend 4y ago
  Dang I was hoping I could fill in the parameters myself so I could send it to a coworker with something like publicly bitching on Blind (we know who you are) as the reason. We all work in cybersecurity and just assume anyone signing up via corporate email as Blind insists you must is on the list for the next round of layoffs. Nobody signs up to Blind in order to sing the praises of where they work, after all.
  - foobazgt 4y ago
    I signed up to Blind to lurk. I assumed that's why most people do. Like most "anonymous", lightly moderated forums, it's a bit of a cesspool. I wouldn't recommend spending too much time there for the sake of one's mental health.
    - technofiend 4y ago
      In retrospect I forgot that people will also sign up on levels.fyi or blind to brag about compensation. Yeah I would love to lurk, but not at the potential cost of my job.
- brucethemoose2 4y ago
  Dare I ask, what was your DALL-E Prompt? It looks pretty spot on for a CEO stereotype, which itself is kinda disturbing if the prompt is generic.
- dandigangi 4y ago
  This is great. Haha
- nunez 4y ago
  I knew the prompts were GPT but had no idea the CEO images were DALL-E.
oorza 4y ago
> Unfortunately, too many sales were the root cause of this decision. I was going to say this was too unrealistic, then I remembered what timeline we're in.
arrty88 4y ago
What happens when chat gpt3 reads all the posts written by it?
- guywhocodes 4y ago
  Perhaps it will asymptotically approach a fix point in a training/spam cycle.
- lostlogin 4y ago
  Don’t cross the streams.
- em-bee 4y ago
  then everything will turn into grey goo
  - veb 4y ago
    I should really re-read Prey by Michael Crichton. Loved the grey goo in that one.
Scoundreller 4y ago
Oh boy... > Important message: 15% layoffs at Intel due to Scientology > Bob "The Sceptic" Swan, CEO at Intel > Things started to unravel last month when we began to notice suspicious activity beginning to take place on our campus. After some investigation, it was revealed that our catering staff and security team had been quietly converting to Scientology. Unbeknownst to us, the adoption of the creed had an unexpected consequence on our workforce - namely, a complete lack of productivity. Despite our best efforts to resolve the issue, the productivity levels have not recovered and so, after much deliberation, we have decided to let go of 15% of the staff.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
winrid 4y ago
Layoff due to global warming: > It all started when I decided to install an air conditioning unit in the office. Little did I know that the excess heat created by the air conditioner would drastically raise the temperature of the office, and this increase in heat would eventually lead to a dramatic rise in sea levels. Unbeknownst to me, this sudden change in sea level would result in a series of unexpected floods, leaving me no choice but to lay off 10% of our devoted Instacart family.
cratermoon 4y ago
... yet.
tjpnz 4y ago
Layoffs due to Mexican: >It has unfortunately come to my attention that a 15% reduction in our workforce is necessary. As your CEO, I take full accountability for this difficult decision. In a recent board meeting, I was discussing a new product launch with a hardworking Mexican engineer. As I was proposing some ideas, much to my surprise a small burrito he was eating abruptly slipped from his hand and fell directly into the server, causing a complete system overload.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- freitzkriesler2 4y ago
  [flagged]
- nwbort 4y ago
  Almost buried the lede: >After attempting to remove the delicious burrito from the system, we discovered that the only way to save the server was to layoff 15% of our staff. Though heartbreaking, this was the only way to prevent a complete system failure.
kayson 4y ago
Is there a way to get back to one of the previously generated ones or are they completely ephemeral?
- em-bee 4y ago
  i would like to link to some so i can share those with my friends.
- sodapopcan 4y ago
  They definitely are not ephemeral as I saw the exact quote tjpnz posted.
gxt 4y ago
Of all the claims of things these chatbots are getting good at, its only getting a laugh out of me that actually works. The Onion could have launched this satire as a service. > His high-volume words triggered a massive sonic blast that traveled around the room and dispersed throughout the office. After further analysis, it turns out these sonic waves contained the most severe form of mouth herpes, resulting in the infection of many of our hardworking staff members! > The outbreak was so bad that our staff productivity decreased by almost 50%, and since the current economic conditions wouldn't allow us to make any budget adjustments, the only way to keep this company afloat was to layoff 15% of our workforce. Again, I want to apologize on behalf of the entire Sony team and I want to thank all of you for your hard work and dedication. > Yours faithfully, Kenny 'Herpesmouth' Yoshida
qwerpy 4y ago
Seems Google is really not a place to coast anymore. > company GOOGLE, reason WATERBOARDING, accountability TRUE > An important message from Sundar the Great Pichai > I am writing to you today to deliver some upsetting, but necessary news. After lengthy consideration, we have decided to let 10% of our workforce go, effective immediately. I take full responsibility for this difficult decision, and I regret the impact it will have on all of us and on our families. > The reason for the layoff is a little more unusual than most. After much consideration and brainstorming, we concluded that the best way to stay afloat as a company was to implement a system of waterboarding. By doing this we would be able to save on business costs, as the process would be faster and more efficient than other methods of management.
IG_Semmelweiss 4y ago
Layoffs due to Giant: Unfortunately, due to a giant that descended upon us, we have had to make the difficult decision of laying off 10% of our workforce... <...> The giant in question is something that I had never seen before. It was an entity made up of gremlins, trolls, and mischievous elves. I wish I could tell you more about this giant, but it has long disappeared, leaving us with no other choice but to let go of some of our members.
mkl95 4y ago
> He had the bright idea of installing custom charging ports all over the office. He unfortunately confused the wiring diagrams of the charging ports and the diagrams of the gloryholes. Well that was something.
HuntanIdea 4y ago
Layoffs at Netflix due to wizards: > Greeting to my fellow Members, > It is with deep regret that I must inform you that due to an unforeseen infestation of wizards in our headquarters, we are forced to layoff 10% of the Netflix workforce. I take full accountability for this decision, as I recognize the impact it will have on all of you and your families. > It all started on a fateful Wednesday morning, when a large black thundercloud appeared over Netflix headquarters in San Francisco and a powerful gust of magical wind blew open the doors. Before we knew it, seven wizards wielding wands and broomsticks descended upon the lobby and began making mischief. They caused the sprinklers to spray the office with confetti, the elevators to rocket up and down the shafts, and the fire alarms to scream out musical numbers at the top of their lungs. > Layoffs at Binance due to time travel: > Greetings, Binancees! > It is with great sorrow that I must inform you that due to an unforeseen event, we are forced to lay off 10% of our workforce. The cause? Time travel. > It's true. Someone on our team discovered a blue-violet vortex in the break room and to our surprise, this portal allowed us to travel through time! Unfortunately, upon our travels, we ended up unleashing something known as the butterfly effect. In essence, we changed the future, and in that future, we need 10% less of our workforce than we do today.
- selcuka 4y ago
  They shouldn't have let Henry Cavill go when they needed a witcher most.
- em-bee 4y ago
  we changed the future, and in that future, we need 10% less of our workforce than we do today. that's much better than the one i found: As many of you are aware, we recently made the risky venture into time travel. We knew that this new technology could be either a boon or a bust for our company, and we took the chance with it. Unfortunately, the gamble did not pay off and the time travel experiment caused a drastic shift in the stock market trends. This shift was so severe that it caused us to lay off 10% of our team in order to stay afloat.
polygot 4y ago
The Slack one was mildly amusing ("Greetings Slackers"), > Stewart sent the following email to Slack employees earlier today. > Greetings Slackers, > As you all know, the team at Slack has recently made the difficult decision to lay off 11% of its employees. I want to be clear that I take full responsibility for this decision, and while the cause of the layoffs is unfortunate, there is a silver lining.
anshumankmr 4y ago
Here is what I got for Tesla run by “Electron Musk” https://photos.app.goo.gl/DaoUTja82QXTYPsb9 https://photos.app.goo.gl/DaoUTja82QXTYPsb9
pinum 4y ago
>It appears that, during our transition to the digital age, the internet completely disappeared. We scoured the globe for it, but it seems to have been completely erased from existence. This has caused immense disruptions to our business, leading to the unfortunate layoffs that are necessary for continued success.
arecurrence 4y ago
If you’re just scrolling the comments, I recommend checking this out. It’s a lot funnier than I expected :) GPT does a great job of making it marginally believable while completely unpossible. Love it!
bagels 4y ago
Do we really need GPT for this? They're happening for real every week.
h4x0rr 4y ago
I regret to inform you that due to the recent haunting of a certain haunted house, Microsoft has had to layoff a total of 15% of its workforce. This unfortunate situation has been caused by the evil ghost of a former Microsoft employee who, long ago, was not given the recognition he deserved. In the time since, he has exacted his revenge by haunting the house, causing an extreme disruption to the internal workings of the company.
hyperific 4y ago
Layoffs at Logitech due to snacks ^ _ ^
gpm 4y ago
I really wanted to read "Top 10 reasons why GitHub is better than the borg" though, not an article about a different layoff.
eyelidlessness 4y ago
Wow, I sure hope this is funny to people whose layoffs do exist?
Mechanical9 4y ago
> I want to make it very clear that this decision was not my fault - I blame the people who made the bad decisions that led us to this point. Sounds about right.
strictnein 4y ago
> Due to the negligence of our tech team a dragon has been released into the IBM Cloud ecosystem. Perfection
walrus01 4y ago
This is an art form
chrismorgan 4y ago
Some fun excerpts (each from a separate layoff): > It all began when a dystopian future emerged, spelling trouble for our company. > During the course of a recent office decor overhaul, a team of experts recommended the installation of an avocado green interior color scheme, in an effort to bring a youthful, creative flair to the workplace. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to us, avocados are a known source of malignant luck. The presence of this meddlesome shade of green seemed to bring about an unavoidable streak of bad luck, leading to a series of unfortunate economic and corporate decisions that ultimately culminated in the layoffs. > As you may know, I recently passed a kidney stone, which was an incredibly painful experience. Unfortunately, this caused a butterfly-like effect that ultimately led to the layoffs. I know this may sound far-fetched, but it's true! > Turns out, the coffee beans were switched with something else - unbeknownst to us at the time, they were cheap imitation beans. After further investigation, the switch was caused by an employee who was trying to save money. Unfortunately, due to the mistake, the amount of money it cost us to remedy the situation was incredibly high, resulting in the need to lay off 11% of our employees in order to keep the company afloat. > Yes, our company recently decided to set out on a Medieval Quest, and unfortunately the costs associated with such a venture have been far too great for us to bear at this time. This has resulted in us having to make the difficult decision to lay off 11% of our workforce. I take full responsibility for this decision. > It is with a heavy heart that I must report that we are letting go of 15% of our workforce due to a series of unexpected events surrounding the zombie apocalypse. > It turns out that due to a time slip caused by a recent glitch in the space-time continuum, some of our more crucial personnel were displaced in the void of time.
lamontcg 4y ago
> A Message to T-Mobile Employees > Hey Mobsters! > It's with a heavy heart that I must deliver the news that due to unforeseen circumstances, 10% of our team is being laid off. It has been a difficult decision to make, but I take full responsibility for it. > Unfortunately, too many sales were the root cause of this decision. To ensure our success in the future, it was necessary to make difficult choices like this. As you know, too much of a good thing is not good for our business model. > We want to thank all of those who have worked so hard for us and wish them luck in their future endeavors. > Sincerely, > John "The Shark" Legere
- lamontcg 4y ago
  From the giving management too many ideas file: > The reason for the layoff is a little more unusual than most. After much consideration and brainstorming, we concluded that the best way to stay afloat as a company was to implement a system of waterboarding. By doing this we would be able to save on business costs, as the process would be faster and more efficient than other methods of management.
garganzol 4y ago
Layoffs at Heroku due to talking animals: > Greetings Herkies! > It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that Heroku is making the difficult decision to lay off 10% of its workforce. This decision did not come easily, but unfortunately was necessary due to an unforeseen consequence of an experiment with a talking dog. > Heroku sought to break into the pet-tech industry with a technology that allowed animals to talk. > You see, a few months ago, Heroku sought to break into the pet-tech industry with a technology that allowed animals to talk. To test the feasibility, an employee was asked to bring their dog into the office, and after some tinkering, the dog was able to say "I like naps and tennis balls". Everyone was amazed and the experiment seemed successful! > However, the talking dog experiment has had a major unintended consequence: all of our current customers think the technology is too "weird" or "creepy", and thus have decided to terminate their contracts with Heroku. As a result, we have no other choice but to lay off 10% of our workforce in order to make up for the lost revenue.
maribi 4y ago
[dead]
lordnacho 4y ago
Are the parameters set to comedy? Sometimes you get this kind of thing, other times the more ordinary "I take responsibility" faux-sincerity. "Now, you may be wondering why this has happened, and why I am blaming others for this situation. This is because our competitors are using innovative techniques to increase their profits and staying ahead of the curve. As a result, we have to find new ways to remain competitive and grow our company. To do this, we must make difficult decisions, including reducing our workforce."
tempodox 4y ago
And to think that the BOFH only had an excuse calendar. Now we can generate excuses en masse on the fly, and in corporate speech no less!
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
socksy 4y ago
The most bizarre one I saw after trying a couple times: > I take full responsibility for this difficult decision, as it was my own judgment that led to the unfortunate events which caused this. It all began when I decided to give our team a challenge and get everyone out of their rut. I thought it would be fun to create a game I like to call 'Robot Roulette'. The game was simple: whoever lost at the game would have to suffer a consequence of my choosing. What I did not foresee was the consequence I had chosen; sadly, those who lost at the game would be laid off from the company. Needless to say, this was the wrong decision and I regret it deeply.

188 points by Satam 4y ago

EDIT: After trending #1 spot on the front page, this got removed it seems. Hopefully this gets resolved but I hope HN'ers had fun either way! Hey HN! Quick project to get my brains warmed up. Used GPT to generate layoff texts and DALL-E for the CEO images. The text generation took a bit of prompt-massaging to get it working as expected but not too long. This is obviously meant to be satirical and not very useful. However, it got me thinking. To create something like this pre-GPT, it would have taken me 10s or 100s of contractors writing the texts. Now it's just me, one person. It's common startup wisdom that to win your product has to 10x better than your competition. It sure does looks like LLM's are 10x-ing or 100x-ing the status quos, at least in certain areas.

JamesCoyne 4y ago
Something's broken, I only get Accountability=TRUE messages. Please allow the robot to write in full snark mode
- Satam 4y ago
  It should be 50/50. But maybe Copilot left a backdoor in my codebase to make itself look more empathetic. What I'm saying is, I take 0 accountability for this not functioning as expected.
jrochkind1 4y ago
Certain areas like... selling satirical fake layoff notices? This is really going to disrupt that market! Nobody will ever have to pay hundreds of contractors to write satirical nonsense layoff notices again. But thank you for your project, it's coming up with some pretty hilarious stuff, it made me laugh.
- bee_rider 4y ago
  It has already captured the whole market for this service!
graypegg 4y ago
I mean, it 100x’d the productivity of a project where the measure of success is legible content that’s adequately mad-libbed. ;) I think the PR people writing these layoff notices don’t have anything to worry about for at least… 3 months minimum. But I got a good laugh out of it! Good job!
- Satam 4y ago
  Glad it gave you a good laugh! Overall, yes, the tech is still quite rough and its not exactly straightforward to get economically valuable outputs out of it. However, even if further AI breakthroughs don't come along, I think smart engineering and duct tape will be enough to create a decent amount of disruption and value. We've never had the "calculator for text" so even a bad one opens ups a lot of new doors.
  - btheshoe 4y ago
    re "calculator for text": gpt => wolfram alpha is scary good
technofiend 4y ago
Dang I was hoping I could fill in the parameters myself so I could send it to a coworker with something like publicly bitching on Blind (we know who you are) as the reason. We all work in cybersecurity and just assume anyone signing up via corporate email as Blind insists you must is on the list for the next round of layoffs. Nobody signs up to Blind in order to sing the praises of where they work, after all.
- foobazgt 4y ago
  I signed up to Blind to lurk. I assumed that's why most people do. Like most "anonymous", lightly moderated forums, it's a bit of a cesspool. I wouldn't recommend spending too much time there for the sake of one's mental health.
  - technofiend 4y ago
    In retrospect I forgot that people will also sign up on levels.fyi or blind to brag about compensation. Yeah I would love to lurk, but not at the potential cost of my job.
brucethemoose2 4y ago
Dare I ask, what was your DALL-E Prompt? It looks pretty spot on for a CEO stereotype, which itself is kinda disturbing if the prompt is generic.
dandigangi 4y ago
This is great. Haha
nunez 4y ago
I knew the prompts were GPT but had no idea the CEO images were DALL-E.

oorza 4y ago

> Unfortunately, too many sales were the root cause of this decision. I was going to say this was too unrealistic, then I remembered what timeline we're in.

arrty88 4y ago

What happens when chat gpt3 reads all the posts written by it?

guywhocodes 4y ago
Perhaps it will asymptotically approach a fix point in a training/spam cycle.
lostlogin 4y ago
Don’t cross the streams.
em-bee 4y ago
then everything will turn into grey goo
- veb 4y ago
  I should really re-read Prey by Michael Crichton. Loved the grey goo in that one.

Scoundreller 4y ago

Oh boy... > Important message: 15% layoffs at Intel due to Scientology > Bob "The Sceptic" Swan, CEO at Intel > Things started to unravel last month when we began to notice suspicious activity beginning to take place on our campus. After some investigation, it was revealed that our catering staff and security team had been quietly converting to Scientology. Unbeknownst to us, the adoption of the creed had an unexpected consequence on our workforce - namely, a complete lack of productivity. Despite our best efforts to resolve the issue, the productivity levels have not recovered and so, after much deliberation, we have decided to let go of 15% of the staff.

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]

winrid 4y ago

Layoff due to global warming: > It all started when I decided to install an air conditioning unit in the office. Little did I know that the excess heat created by the air conditioner would drastically raise the temperature of the office, and this increase in heat would eventually lead to a dramatic rise in sea levels. Unbeknownst to me, this sudden change in sea level would result in a series of unexpected floods, leaving me no choice but to lay off 10% of our devoted Instacart family.

cratermoon 4y ago

... yet.

tjpnz 4y ago

Layoffs due to Mexican: >It has unfortunately come to my attention that a 15% reduction in our workforce is necessary. As your CEO, I take full accountability for this difficult decision. In a recent board meeting, I was discussing a new product launch with a hardworking Mexican engineer. As I was proposing some ideas, much to my surprise a small burrito he was eating abruptly slipped from his hand and fell directly into the server, causing a complete system overload.

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
freitzkriesler2 4y ago
[flagged]
nwbort 4y ago
Almost buried the lede: >After attempting to remove the delicious burrito from the system, we discovered that the only way to save the server was to layoff 15% of our staff. Though heartbreaking, this was the only way to prevent a complete system failure.

kayson 4y ago

Is there a way to get back to one of the previously generated ones or are they completely ephemeral?

em-bee 4y ago
i would like to link to some so i can share those with my friends.
sodapopcan 4y ago
They definitely are not ephemeral as I saw the exact quote tjpnz posted.

gxt 4y ago

Of all the claims of things these chatbots are getting good at, its only getting a laugh out of me that actually works. The Onion could have launched this satire as a service. > His high-volume words triggered a massive sonic blast that traveled around the room and dispersed throughout the office. After further analysis, it turns out these sonic waves contained the most severe form of mouth herpes, resulting in the infection of many of our hardworking staff members! > The outbreak was so bad that our staff productivity decreased by almost 50%, and since the current economic conditions wouldn't allow us to make any budget adjustments, the only way to keep this company afloat was to layoff 15% of our workforce. Again, I want to apologize on behalf of the entire Sony team and I want to thank all of you for your hard work and dedication. > Yours faithfully, Kenny 'Herpesmouth' Yoshida

qwerpy 4y ago

Seems Google is really not a place to coast anymore. > company GOOGLE, reason WATERBOARDING, accountability TRUE > An important message from Sundar the Great Pichai > I am writing to you today to deliver some upsetting, but necessary news. After lengthy consideration, we have decided to let 10% of our workforce go, effective immediately. I take full responsibility for this difficult decision, and I regret the impact it will have on all of us and on our families. > The reason for the layoff is a little more unusual than most. After much consideration and brainstorming, we concluded that the best way to stay afloat as a company was to implement a system of waterboarding. By doing this we would be able to save on business costs, as the process would be faster and more efficient than other methods of management.

IG_Semmelweiss 4y ago

Layoffs due to Giant: Unfortunately, due to a giant that descended upon us, we have had to make the difficult decision of laying off 10% of our workforce... <...> The giant in question is something that I had never seen before. It was an entity made up of gremlins, trolls, and mischievous elves. I wish I could tell you more about this giant, but it has long disappeared, leaving us with no other choice but to let go of some of our members.

mkl95 4y ago

> He had the bright idea of installing custom charging ports all over the office. He unfortunately confused the wiring diagrams of the charging ports and the diagrams of the gloryholes. Well that was something.

HuntanIdea 4y ago

Layoffs at Netflix due to wizards: > Greeting to my fellow Members, > It is with deep regret that I must inform you that due to an unforeseen infestation of wizards in our headquarters, we are forced to layoff 10% of the Netflix workforce. I take full accountability for this decision, as I recognize the impact it will have on all of you and your families. > It all started on a fateful Wednesday morning, when a large black thundercloud appeared over Netflix headquarters in San Francisco and a powerful gust of magical wind blew open the doors. Before we knew it, seven wizards wielding wands and broomsticks descended upon the lobby and began making mischief. They caused the sprinklers to spray the office with confetti, the elevators to rocket up and down the shafts, and the fire alarms to scream out musical numbers at the top of their lungs. > Layoffs at Binance due to time travel: > Greetings, Binancees! > It is with great sorrow that I must inform you that due to an unforeseen event, we are forced to lay off 10% of our workforce. The cause? Time travel. > It's true. Someone on our team discovered a blue-violet vortex in the break room and to our surprise, this portal allowed us to travel through time! Unfortunately, upon our travels, we ended up unleashing something known as the butterfly effect. In essence, we changed the future, and in that future, we need 10% less of our workforce than we do today.

selcuka 4y ago
They shouldn't have let Henry Cavill go when they needed a witcher most.
em-bee 4y ago
we changed the future, and in that future, we need 10% less of our workforce than we do today. that's much better than the one i found: As many of you are aware, we recently made the risky venture into time travel. We knew that this new technology could be either a boon or a bust for our company, and we took the chance with it. Unfortunately, the gamble did not pay off and the time travel experiment caused a drastic shift in the stock market trends. This shift was so severe that it caused us to lay off 10% of our team in order to stay afloat.

polygot 4y ago

The Slack one was mildly amusing ("Greetings Slackers"), > Stewart sent the following email to Slack employees earlier today. > Greetings Slackers, > As you all know, the team at Slack has recently made the difficult decision to lay off 11% of its employees. I want to be clear that I take full responsibility for this decision, and while the cause of the layoffs is unfortunate, there is a silver lining.

anshumankmr 4y ago

Here is what I got for Tesla run by “Electron Musk” https://photos.app.goo.gl/DaoUTja82QXTYPsb9 https://photos.app.goo.gl/DaoUTja82QXTYPsb9

pinum 4y ago

>It appears that, during our transition to the digital age, the internet completely disappeared. We scoured the globe for it, but it seems to have been completely erased from existence. This has caused immense disruptions to our business, leading to the unfortunate layoffs that are necessary for continued success.

arecurrence 4y ago

If you’re just scrolling the comments, I recommend checking this out. It’s a lot funnier than I expected :) GPT does a great job of making it marginally believable while completely unpossible. Love it!

bagels 4y ago

Do we really need GPT for this? They're happening for real every week.

h4x0rr 4y ago

I regret to inform you that due to the recent haunting of a certain haunted house, Microsoft has had to layoff a total of 15% of its workforce. This unfortunate situation has been caused by the evil ghost of a former Microsoft employee who, long ago, was not given the recognition he deserved. In the time since, he has exacted his revenge by haunting the house, causing an extreme disruption to the internal workings of the company.

hyperific 4y ago

Layoffs at Logitech due to snacks ^ _ ^

gpm 4y ago

I really wanted to read "Top 10 reasons why GitHub is better than the borg" though, not an article about a different layoff.

eyelidlessness 4y ago

Wow, I sure hope this is funny to people whose layoffs do exist?

Mechanical9 4y ago

> I want to make it very clear that this decision was not my fault - I blame the people who made the bad decisions that led us to this point. Sounds about right.

strictnein 4y ago

> Due to the negligence of our tech team a dragon has been released into the IBM Cloud ecosystem. Perfection

walrus01 4y ago

This is an art form

chrismorgan 4y ago

Some fun excerpts (each from a separate layoff): > It all began when a dystopian future emerged, spelling trouble for our company. > During the course of a recent office decor overhaul, a team of experts recommended the installation of an avocado green interior color scheme, in an effort to bring a youthful, creative flair to the workplace. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to us, avocados are a known source of malignant luck. The presence of this meddlesome shade of green seemed to bring about an unavoidable streak of bad luck, leading to a series of unfortunate economic and corporate decisions that ultimately culminated in the layoffs. > As you may know, I recently passed a kidney stone, which was an incredibly painful experience. Unfortunately, this caused a butterfly-like effect that ultimately led to the layoffs. I know this may sound far-fetched, but it's true! > Turns out, the coffee beans were switched with something else - unbeknownst to us at the time, they were cheap imitation beans. After further investigation, the switch was caused by an employee who was trying to save money. Unfortunately, due to the mistake, the amount of money it cost us to remedy the situation was incredibly high, resulting in the need to lay off 11% of our employees in order to keep the company afloat. > Yes, our company recently decided to set out on a Medieval Quest, and unfortunately the costs associated with such a venture have been far too great for us to bear at this time. This has resulted in us having to make the difficult decision to lay off 11% of our workforce. I take full responsibility for this decision. > It is with a heavy heart that I must report that we are letting go of 15% of our workforce due to a series of unexpected events surrounding the zombie apocalypse. > It turns out that due to a time slip caused by a recent glitch in the space-time continuum, some of our more crucial personnel were displaced in the void of time.

lamontcg 4y ago

> A Message to T-Mobile Employees > Hey Mobsters! > It's with a heavy heart that I must deliver the news that due to unforeseen circumstances, 10% of our team is being laid off. It has been a difficult decision to make, but I take full responsibility for it. > Unfortunately, too many sales were the root cause of this decision. To ensure our success in the future, it was necessary to make difficult choices like this. As you know, too much of a good thing is not good for our business model. > We want to thank all of those who have worked so hard for us and wish them luck in their future endeavors. > Sincerely, > John "The Shark" Legere

lamontcg 4y ago
From the giving management too many ideas file: > The reason for the layoff is a little more unusual than most. After much consideration and brainstorming, we concluded that the best way to stay afloat as a company was to implement a system of waterboarding. By doing this we would be able to save on business costs, as the process would be faster and more efficient than other methods of management.

garganzol 4y ago

Layoffs at Heroku due to talking animals: > Greetings Herkies! > It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that Heroku is making the difficult decision to lay off 10% of its workforce. This decision did not come easily, but unfortunately was necessary due to an unforeseen consequence of an experiment with a talking dog. > Heroku sought to break into the pet-tech industry with a technology that allowed animals to talk. > You see, a few months ago, Heroku sought to break into the pet-tech industry with a technology that allowed animals to talk. To test the feasibility, an employee was asked to bring their dog into the office, and after some tinkering, the dog was able to say "I like naps and tennis balls". Everyone was amazed and the experiment seemed successful! > However, the talking dog experiment has had a major unintended consequence: all of our current customers think the technology is too "weird" or "creepy", and thus have decided to terminate their contracts with Heroku. As a result, we have no other choice but to lay off 10% of our workforce in order to make up for the lost revenue.

maribi 4y ago

[dead]

lordnacho 4y ago

Are the parameters set to comedy? Sometimes you get this kind of thing, other times the more ordinary "I take responsibility" faux-sincerity. "Now, you may be wondering why this has happened, and why I am blaming others for this situation. This is because our competitors are using innovative techniques to increase their profits and staying ahead of the curve. As a result, we have to find new ways to remain competitive and grow our company. To do this, we must make difficult decisions, including reducing our workforce."

tempodox 4y ago

And to think that the BOFH only had an excuse calendar. Now we can generate excuses en masse on the fly, and in corporate speech no less!

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

socksy 4y ago

The most bizarre one I saw after trying a couple times: > I take full responsibility for this difficult decision, as it was my own judgment that led to the unfortunate events which caused this. It all began when I decided to give our team a challenge and get everyone out of their rut. I thought it would be fun to create a game I like to call 'Robot Roulette'. The game was simple: whoever lost at the game would have to suffer a consequence of my choosing. What I did not foresee was the consequence I had chosen; sadly, those who lost at the game would be laid off from the company. Needless to say, this was the wrong decision and I regret it deeply.