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It's just hard now. Before I had kids I had a network of friends and had a great social life. Now it's just me and my wife. If I want more friends I'll have to

It's just hard now. Before I had kids I had a network of friends and had a great social life. Now it's just me and my wife. If I want more friends I'll have to have more kids I guess? I have 4 now. One (my first) is severely autistic. Financially the cost? I pay about 6,000 a month in daycare. 2k a month in healthcare expenses. Then community wise. Every time I've gone to take them to the movies, or to a restaurant or hell now even the grocery store I always get shafted. Everything is so overstimulated and kids get in the way to strangers trying to ignore reality with their phones. So when one of my kids throws a tantrum everyone's looks and disdain doesn't help. It's a part of growing up that I think most young adults don't realize. Then for your career it's the most destablizing thing there is. Everyone around me who doesn't have kids the sky is the limit. Midnight PR's and no problem handling oncall. I missed a pagerduty alert when I was careflly bottle feeding my 8 month old who caught pertussis from some idiot who thought they were above that. I had no choice in getting out of pagerduty because 'it's only fair' Don't get me start on dog/cat people who equate their struggles to mine... or people who have no idea how hard life is already for a kid who is disabled. Having a family sucks hard sometimes. But I wouldn't change my past for the world. They are my everything. The advantages of having kids are lost on most but I'll let others provide input if they feel like it.

arethuza 8mo ago
"people who have no idea how hard life is already for a kid who is disabled" I have two disabled siblings out of the four kids my parents had - I didn't really appreciate what that meant for my parents until I had kids - I can only guess at the stress they must have gone through. So yes, having kids sucks sometimes, but its also the most important thing that most of us do. And yes, as a dog-owning empty nester, I can confirm its not the same, not even close.
BugsJustFindMe 8mo ago
> I pay about 6,000 a month in daycare. My sister did this too until it got to be nearly as much as her entire salary so then she stopped working again and became the daycare. And that is super hard when your children have special needs. I think the worst may be that in-between area, where working and paying for daycare still seems to make sense financially because you take home more than you spend on not being at home but the net practical result is working for a very low effective salary to also spend less time with the children, which is its own kind of utterly draining.
- Retric 8mo ago
  The tipping point isn’t just take home pay. Peak daycare expense is generally only for a few years. Quit the workforce for a decade and you see long term effects. Further if either parent loses their job you can quit daycare until they get a new one. Single income families are far less resilient.
- kraig911 8mo ago
  I feel kids need that sense of community and social setting. I know it's hard to get a handle on when there's nothing I went through that with my other two during covid. The difference is night and day with dealing with anxiety in social settings.
WhompingWindows 8mo ago
You're not alone, Kraig911. It's very hard to be a parent in modern society. My wife and I's friends have basically vanished from our lives, they have zero initiative or interest in coming over to see the kids or help in any way. They say they do, but they rely on us to take the initiative and make social things happen. After dozens of rejections or silence from dozens of them, it's rejection fatigue with the friends...unless they also have kids, in which case we play DnD together when the kids go to bed. Going out to eat? Going on vacations? Sleeping? Your own health? Your finances? Say goodbye to all of that for 5+ years if you have kids, even more if you have a special needs child. And despite all that, we love them and we want to have them, and probably the vast majority would do so again. And we will have our children to keep us young-at-heart, learning, active, and to help us in old age. Many of our child-free friends are going to go through a lot of loneliness when they're old, while we'll have the vibrancy of a family life.
- crystal_revenge 8mo ago
  > Many of our child-free friends are going to go through a lot of loneliness when they're old I've seen this "kids are insurance against loneliness" logic repeated often, but I don't believe this bares out in reality. I personally know plenty of child-free older couples who remain quite happy and social. I also know plenty of parents whose kids don't speak to them anymore or whose children have lives on the other side of the country/world. Anecdotally the loneliest older people I know are ones who have put it upon their children to keep themselves from loneliness. > And despite all that, we love them and we want to have them As a parent I always find it funny that we need to add this to every statement of frustration of family life (I'm not critiquing you, I also say this every time I mention any frustration about parenting). It is worth recognizing that saying the contrary is fundamentally taboo. I find this to be another under-discussed challenging of parenting: you can never even entertain the idea that "maybe this wasn't what I wanted"
  - fusslo 8mo ago
    My mothers' friends have to fund vacations for their adult children and grand children in order to spend time with them. They wont let her stay at their home. My mother was giddy when my father died; so I have strong boundaries in our relationship. My brother moved to colorado after the service and never returned. I'm not convinced having children is the answer alone. (I say as a childless 35yo)
dh2022 8mo ago
$6,000 / month in daycare for 4 kids? You have a sweet deal my friend. At the daycare in my neighborhood this does not cover even 2 kids : https://www.kidspaceseattle.org/enrollment https://www.kidspaceseattle.org/enrollment - click on Tuition link at the bottom and weep.
- somenameforme 8mo ago
  Those prices are weird. Why would somebody ever pay that much rather than just hire a private nanny?
  - dron57 8mo ago
    Because a nanny in Seattle charges $30/hr.
    - pigpop 8mo ago
      Something's not adding up there unless you mean 30/hr/kid
    - lurk2 8mo ago
      At $30 an hour, $6,000 would cover 10 hours a day for 20 days per month.
  - deleted 8mo ago
    [deleted]
  - pertymcpert 8mo ago
    A private nanny isn't realistic for 4 kids. You need 2.
    - dragonwriter 8mo ago
      The few people that I've known with private nannies (usually au pairs) have had only one and also each had 3 or more (up to 6) kids.
giancarlostoro 8mo ago
> So when one of my kids throws a tantrum If you're with your spouse, what I do is pull them out of the store until they calm down. Sometimes I wait in the car and my wife comes to the car because she is done shopping. I then remind them that they put themselves into that situation.
matthewdgreen 8mo ago
Not sure how old they are, but we found that this loneliness phase got better once they were in school (and better as they got into middle, then high school.)
somenameforme 8mo ago
When I read things like this I find it confusing in so many ways. I've been out of the US for a while now so perhaps there's some contemporary issues I'm just not considering? For $6k a month, why not hire a private nanny? You could also work with other parents in your area to setup something for a bit more socializing depending on their age. Similarly, I find it practically impossible not to meet people literally every single time we go to e.g. the park. The kids want to play with other kids, we meet their parents, and it's basically an endless source of friendships - even better because it's other parents who probably live relatively close to you enabling you to start setting up aforementioned ideas.
- yandie 8mo ago
  My childcare cost is $52k/year for two kids. To hire a private nanny for TWO kids, it'll be at least $35/hour with benefits (insurance, paid time off etc) in my area. That'll be around $80k/year for a private nanny. And once the kids are older, the value of a nanny isn't as good IMO since they don't provide the variety of social challenges that a daycare can provide (group working, relationship building, conflict resolution etc...). We have friends with kids of the same age that don't go to day care and have nannies instead, and the differences in social interaction are significant - maybe we just get lucky but I think our kids build a lot of skills being in a bigger group.
  - kraig911 8mo ago
    I wish I could accord private nanny. Do you know of good resources to find this? Esp in the USA I'm in texas.
  - KellyCriterion 8mo ago
    > 52k/year LOL, this is my income after taxes before paying anything! :-X
- montroser 8mo ago
  Say you hire a nanny for $6k/mo... What problem have you solved? You're still paying the six grand, and you had better hope the nanny is good, because that is your kids' whole world now for a chunk of their existence.
deleted 8mo ago
[deleted]
lostlogin 8mo ago
> Don't get me start on dog/cat people who equate their struggles to mine... or people who have no idea how hard life is already for a kid who is disabled. I’d never have believed this until it happened to me.
- program_whiz 8mo ago
  Yep, but people can only understand the stresses and challenges they have faced, its very hard to understand something you haven't experienced. Even if you try to imagine it, you really can't understand it until you're living it. But yeah, after kids I think any rational parent would instantly without question abandon or sacrifice a pet for a child. A pet is literally 0 out of 10 compared to a child -- no comparison whatsoever. But I appreciate the "I have a cat" people are at least trying to relate. But its a bit like when my plumber came over and tried to tell me how he's really into programming because he's dabbled in a bit of HTML on his drag and drop website. I was friendly and appreciated relating to it, but he's only grazed the surface. I'm sure in his circles he's the "computer wiz".
mmooss 8mo ago
> It's just hard now. I completely sympathize with the challenges, though I don't understand (and might completely misunderstand) the word "now". Do you meant 'in the current world'? What is different that makes it harder? And what defines now - the social media age? Post-WWII?
- kraig911 8mo ago
  Now to me I think is a point in time earlier than now. I'm thinking somewhere when people didn't need to get out and do stuff with another. I think when I was a kid it was normal to have grandparents, and church settings, and just after school programs at the Y or kids in general would find each other in the neighborhood and play. I don't see much of that the same in the 'now'
xyzelement 8mo ago
As a dad of 3 I have huge respect for your 4 and I doubt there is much I can offer you in terms of information but I think I would have more complaints similar to yours had my wife not been a lot wiser and more proactive than me, so I'll share. First is where you live. I would have picked based on access to nature and cost, she made us pick based on where other families live and proximity to family. In my town everyone is either actively parenting kids or had raised kids already, so the residents (and businesses) are super accommodating of families with kids. To the point where if I have to take a little one to the bathroom in a restaurant, people often invite my big one (5 year old) to hang out at their table so I don't have to worry about it. Similar for social circle. Because everyone is my town is roughly dealing with the same things it's relatively easy to bond with new people. We've met people talking at the park, at t school drop off, while waiting at the martial arts place etc. Most people are nice if not super interesting but you meet enough people you like. And living close to family (my wife's family in this case) means you have more network around etc. Obviously it's not easy to just pick up and move but I am sharing this because the benefits of living in the right, family oriented, place would have been lost on me. Thank G-d my wife was wiser.
- tayo42 8mo ago
  Do you live in the US?
  - freejazz 8mo ago
    Doesn't sound different than most of the neighborhoods in Brooklyn
  - xyzelement 8mo ago
    I am in a suburb that's closest to NYC without being a part of the city.
    - dmd 8mo ago
      I grew up in a place like that (Port Washington, NY), and it was pretty ideal; I'm raising my own two kids in a suburb of Boston that feels very, very similar along almost every axis.
GorbachevyChase 8mo ago
I was young and cool once. I traveled, I did wild things that make good stories, and I did wild things that I will never tell a soul. I think that I had all the adventures that I could handle without having a criminal record. But once I had my first child, all of those things seemed so petty and inconsequential. I don’t miss the night life, the hobbies, or the drinking buddies. My life revolves around the little people I brought into this world, and nothing I’ve ever done has made me more fulfilled. If I had the chance to give up all of my 20s and all those hedonistic pursuits and settle down 10 years earlier, I would do it without hesitation. I know some people resent being parents, but seeing my kids is a rewarding feeling in a way that I never could have understood until I had experienced it. Don’t let the TV tell you what joy is.
- program_whiz 8mo ago
  Yep this is 100% it -- my partner and I who stayed single and lived out our 20s and early 30s "experiencing life" only wish we could have met and settled down 10 years earlier. Its way more important and rewarding than all the shallow stuff that people talk about. Of course sometimes you miss the freedom, but sometimes I missed high school when I was in college -- didn't mean it was a step down. Sometimes I missed college and my old job when I got a "real job", of course, it was still a strict upgrade, but you can always look back and appreciate what was good about the old days.
- sizzle 8mo ago
  It’s literally the only purpose of life to pass on our genetics to our offsprings in a Darwinian sense.
- knowitnone3 8mo ago
  [dead]
- dalyons 8mo ago
  > I was young and cool once. I traveled, I did wild things that make good stories, and I did wild things that I will never tell a soul. I think that I had all the adventures that I could handle without having a criminal record. yes me too > My life revolves around the little people I brought into this world, and nothing I’ve ever done has made me more fulfilled. .... I know some people resent being parents, but seeing my kids is a rewarding feeling in a way that I never could have understood until I had experienced it. Don’t let the TV tell you what joy is. yes me too absolutley > If I had the chance to give up all of my 20s and all those hedonistic pursuits and settle down 10 years earlier, I would do it without hesitation. Total opposite for me, no way. Whilst i dont want to do them now, I am so SO glad i had those experiences. I know I would be deep in a mid life crisis today wondering "what if" if i had missed the fun and gone straight to having kids in my 20s. Like, id probably be blowing up my life over it now, doing something stupid, out of FOMO for never having tried living other lives. Different people are different, but it would have been a TERRIBLE choice for me. (im also not the only one - witness the commonality of the old mid-life-crises sportscar and mistress trope that was born out of a period having kids young)
nineplay 8mo ago
I agree, it's the public attitudes that are most disheartening and probably some of the reason young people are less inclined to have children. All over society people are seeing kids as a kind of personal indulgence that shouldn't be allowed to impact other people - whether its a lack of sympathy that parents have higher priorities at work, or looking down on kids who act like kids in public. At the same time parents who let their kids look at screens in public are demonizes, as apparently only kids who are perfectly behaved without distractions should be allowed out. Meanwhile when dogs bite people there's an outpouring of 'well why did you bother that dog?'.
- sizzle 8mo ago
  It’s literally the only purpose of life to pass on our genetics to our offsprings in a Darwinian sense.
  - rc5150 8mo ago
    Speak for yourself.
    - sizzle 8mo ago
      I am? Why else would I share that perspective. It’s a fact of life, pass on your genes or end your lineage.
  - ranguna 8mo ago
    I live to be happy, but you do you.
socalgal2 8mo ago
I have plenty of friends with young kids that are super social. They invite people over, take their kids to restaurants and invite people to come, go to picniqs, festivals, and other things. We love their kids (or at least all the people that show up do). You have the agency to make it happen.
- sizzle 8mo ago
  Lack of sleep when they are young makes you into a zombie
- fleeting900 8mo ago
  You and your love for and acceptance of their kids and willingness to show up to family-friendly activities are very likely the key to their ability to do this.
  - socalgal2 8mo ago
    If your friends suck, get new friends.
pino83 8mo ago
> It's just hard now. Before I had kids I had a network of friends and had a great social life. Now it's just me and my wife. If I want more friends I'll have to have more kids I guess? I have 4 now. One (my first) is severely autistic. Maybe this disappointment is at least a bidirectional thing?! For me it's quite hard to find somebody in my contact list who has children today AND did not turn into a mostly pointless contact. There's often the expectation that you're super interested and excited about their children. But even if you'd try. You'll never get something back. Not because they turned into bad persons. But because there are just no spare resources for it (e.g. in terms of calendar slots) on their side anymore. Do I have to be infinitely sympathetic with them? Or is there some limit at which I am allowed to say: This friendship just doesn't give me anything anymore.
- lucyjojo 8mo ago
  since i had kids my friends come more often to my place since i can go less often to theirs. and we have a great time, because we are friends... really depends on what you call friends. i am not very social and have very few friends (i don't have a "contact list"), but these are strong friendships.
bgirard 8mo ago
Your experience sounds exactly like mine. My son is very autistic as well. I've had to cut off friends with families because either their didn't understand meltdown and were incredibly judgy because they were blaming my parenting for his ASD meltdowns, or others because my autistic son was a "bad influence". God forbid their (later diagnosed) kid have some exposure to a child with different neurodiversities. That's not even going into my traumatic health care experience to getting my son help when he needed it. So now I have all the hardships of raising a family, and I'm restricted friendship within the small ND accepting community of my area. So my support network is incredibly small and I barely get any support. It sucks. Reading the responses to your story that are nitpicking it over your daycare experience is a perfect representation of the problems that families face.
sylens 8mo ago
This is such a great comment. I think people don't realize how much harder it is to raise kids now than the 90s or even early 2000s.
- KellyCriterion 8mo ago
  When I was young in the 80ies, my mum worked part-time 4h as basic clerk, mainly for fun and having people around her so that she doesnt have to take care of us for the whole day. My dad worked fulltime as an engineer, the bought a house. Today, you need 2 top tier salaries to make childcaycare and rent even possible
mmmBacon 8mo ago
Midnight PRs sounds really sad. Pager duty; I mean you’re not saving people in the ER. Everything you’ve written comes off as profoundly selfish and self-centered. God forbid your 8 month old needs to be a priority over pager duty. Raising kids is hard, I have 3 but it’s not sad. Blowing off some steam is something every parent needs. But it sounds like you are in desperate need of some perspective on life.
rc5150 8mo ago
"don't get me started on dog/cat people who..." listen dude, you chose to have kids. You and your partner made the conscious decision to produce life, maybe instead of complaining about it, just live it and stop vilifying people who made different choices than you did. You talk about your children as if they're a burden and that's sad.
- themaninthedark 8mo ago
  >who equate their struggles to mine... Perhaps they don't like the fact that someone is equating pet struggles to human struggles. Doesn't sound like they are talking about them being a burden, just how their life has changed and how they can't do all the things that those without kids do.
  - igor47 8mo ago
    > their life has changed and how they can't do all the things that those without kids do. This is true of people with pets, too. Everyone's struggles are equally their struggles. I too get a little miffed when someone invokes the struggle Olympics, especially when their struggles are the consequence of their choices.
giardini 8mo ago
$6000 a month for daycare? Either you're really bad at math or you're a sap! "There's a sucker born every minute!" - P.T. Barnum
silisili 8mo ago
Thanks for sharing. I feel a big part of what you experience is based on where you live. Having a family seems incongruous to the fast paced corpo world, sadly. I moved to a small, uninteresting town years ago, mainly to escape the hustle and crowds. Honestly, I don't like it much, it's a bit too small and dull for my tastes. But more on point, the people here have all been so mind bendingly kind and patient with the kids that it makes it really hard to leave. I wish every place were so patient, but there's probably a pretty direct negative correlation between that and 'getting ahead', whatever that means.

arethuza 8mo ago

"people who have no idea how hard life is already for a kid who is disabled" I have two disabled siblings out of the four kids my parents had - I didn't really appreciate what that meant for my parents until I had kids - I can only guess at the stress they must have gone through. So yes, having kids sucks sometimes, but its also the most important thing that most of us do. And yes, as a dog-owning empty nester, I can confirm its not the same, not even close.

BugsJustFindMe 8mo ago

> I pay about 6,000 a month in daycare. My sister did this too until it got to be nearly as much as her entire salary so then she stopped working again and became the daycare. And that is super hard when your children have special needs. I think the worst may be that in-between area, where working and paying for daycare still seems to make sense financially because you take home more than you spend on not being at home but the net practical result is working for a very low effective salary to also spend less time with the children, which is its own kind of utterly draining.

Retric 8mo ago
The tipping point isn’t just take home pay. Peak daycare expense is generally only for a few years. Quit the workforce for a decade and you see long term effects. Further if either parent loses their job you can quit daycare until they get a new one. Single income families are far less resilient.
kraig911 8mo ago
I feel kids need that sense of community and social setting. I know it's hard to get a handle on when there's nothing I went through that with my other two during covid. The difference is night and day with dealing with anxiety in social settings.

WhompingWindows 8mo ago

You're not alone, Kraig911. It's very hard to be a parent in modern society. My wife and I's friends have basically vanished from our lives, they have zero initiative or interest in coming over to see the kids or help in any way. They say they do, but they rely on us to take the initiative and make social things happen. After dozens of rejections or silence from dozens of them, it's rejection fatigue with the friends...unless they also have kids, in which case we play DnD together when the kids go to bed. Going out to eat? Going on vacations? Sleeping? Your own health? Your finances? Say goodbye to all of that for 5+ years if you have kids, even more if you have a special needs child. And despite all that, we love them and we want to have them, and probably the vast majority would do so again. And we will have our children to keep us young-at-heart, learning, active, and to help us in old age. Many of our child-free friends are going to go through a lot of loneliness when they're old, while we'll have the vibrancy of a family life.

crystal_revenge 8mo ago
> Many of our child-free friends are going to go through a lot of loneliness when they're old I've seen this "kids are insurance against loneliness" logic repeated often, but I don't believe this bares out in reality. I personally know plenty of child-free older couples who remain quite happy and social. I also know plenty of parents whose kids don't speak to them anymore or whose children have lives on the other side of the country/world. Anecdotally the loneliest older people I know are ones who have put it upon their children to keep themselves from loneliness. > And despite all that, we love them and we want to have them As a parent I always find it funny that we need to add this to every statement of frustration of family life (I'm not critiquing you, I also say this every time I mention any frustration about parenting). It is worth recognizing that saying the contrary is fundamentally taboo. I find this to be another under-discussed challenging of parenting: you can never even entertain the idea that "maybe this wasn't what I wanted"
- fusslo 8mo ago
  My mothers' friends have to fund vacations for their adult children and grand children in order to spend time with them. They wont let her stay at their home. My mother was giddy when my father died; so I have strong boundaries in our relationship. My brother moved to colorado after the service and never returned. I'm not convinced having children is the answer alone. (I say as a childless 35yo)

dh2022 8mo ago

$6,000 / month in daycare for 4 kids? You have a sweet deal my friend. At the daycare in my neighborhood this does not cover even 2 kids : https://www.kidspaceseattle.org/enrollment https://www.kidspaceseattle.org/enrollment - click on Tuition link at the bottom and weep.

somenameforme 8mo ago
Those prices are weird. Why would somebody ever pay that much rather than just hire a private nanny?
- dron57 8mo ago
  Because a nanny in Seattle charges $30/hr.
  - pigpop 8mo ago
    Something's not adding up there unless you mean 30/hr/kid
  - lurk2 8mo ago
    At $30 an hour, $6,000 would cover 10 hours a day for 20 days per month.
- deleted 8mo ago
  [deleted]
- pertymcpert 8mo ago
  A private nanny isn't realistic for 4 kids. You need 2.
  - dragonwriter 8mo ago
    The few people that I've known with private nannies (usually au pairs) have had only one and also each had 3 or more (up to 6) kids.

giancarlostoro 8mo ago

> So when one of my kids throws a tantrum If you're with your spouse, what I do is pull them out of the store until they calm down. Sometimes I wait in the car and my wife comes to the car because she is done shopping. I then remind them that they put themselves into that situation.

matthewdgreen 8mo ago

Not sure how old they are, but we found that this loneliness phase got better once they were in school (and better as they got into middle, then high school.)

somenameforme 8mo ago

When I read things like this I find it confusing in so many ways. I've been out of the US for a while now so perhaps there's some contemporary issues I'm just not considering? For $6k a month, why not hire a private nanny? You could also work with other parents in your area to setup something for a bit more socializing depending on their age. Similarly, I find it practically impossible not to meet people literally every single time we go to e.g. the park. The kids want to play with other kids, we meet their parents, and it's basically an endless source of friendships - even better because it's other parents who probably live relatively close to you enabling you to start setting up aforementioned ideas.

yandie 8mo ago
My childcare cost is $52k/year for two kids. To hire a private nanny for TWO kids, it'll be at least $35/hour with benefits (insurance, paid time off etc) in my area. That'll be around $80k/year for a private nanny. And once the kids are older, the value of a nanny isn't as good IMO since they don't provide the variety of social challenges that a daycare can provide (group working, relationship building, conflict resolution etc...). We have friends with kids of the same age that don't go to day care and have nannies instead, and the differences in social interaction are significant - maybe we just get lucky but I think our kids build a lot of skills being in a bigger group.
- kraig911 8mo ago
  I wish I could accord private nanny. Do you know of good resources to find this? Esp in the USA I'm in texas.
- KellyCriterion 8mo ago
  > 52k/year LOL, this is my income after taxes before paying anything! :-X
montroser 8mo ago
Say you hire a nanny for $6k/mo... What problem have you solved? You're still paying the six grand, and you had better hope the nanny is good, because that is your kids' whole world now for a chunk of their existence.

deleted 8mo ago

[deleted]

lostlogin 8mo ago

> Don't get me start on dog/cat people who equate their struggles to mine... or people who have no idea how hard life is already for a kid who is disabled. I’d never have believed this until it happened to me.

program_whiz 8mo ago
Yep, but people can only understand the stresses and challenges they have faced, its very hard to understand something you haven't experienced. Even if you try to imagine it, you really can't understand it until you're living it. But yeah, after kids I think any rational parent would instantly without question abandon or sacrifice a pet for a child. A pet is literally 0 out of 10 compared to a child -- no comparison whatsoever. But I appreciate the "I have a cat" people are at least trying to relate. But its a bit like when my plumber came over and tried to tell me how he's really into programming because he's dabbled in a bit of HTML on his drag and drop website. I was friendly and appreciated relating to it, but he's only grazed the surface. I'm sure in his circles he's the "computer wiz".

mmooss 8mo ago

> It's just hard now. I completely sympathize with the challenges, though I don't understand (and might completely misunderstand) the word "now". Do you meant 'in the current world'? What is different that makes it harder? And what defines now - the social media age? Post-WWII?

kraig911 8mo ago
Now to me I think is a point in time earlier than now. I'm thinking somewhere when people didn't need to get out and do stuff with another. I think when I was a kid it was normal to have grandparents, and church settings, and just after school programs at the Y or kids in general would find each other in the neighborhood and play. I don't see much of that the same in the 'now'

xyzelement 8mo ago

As a dad of 3 I have huge respect for your 4 and I doubt there is much I can offer you in terms of information but I think I would have more complaints similar to yours had my wife not been a lot wiser and more proactive than me, so I'll share. First is where you live. I would have picked based on access to nature and cost, she made us pick based on where other families live and proximity to family. In my town everyone is either actively parenting kids or had raised kids already, so the residents (and businesses) are super accommodating of families with kids. To the point where if I have to take a little one to the bathroom in a restaurant, people often invite my big one (5 year old) to hang out at their table so I don't have to worry about it. Similar for social circle. Because everyone is my town is roughly dealing with the same things it's relatively easy to bond with new people. We've met people talking at the park, at t school drop off, while waiting at the martial arts place etc. Most people are nice if not super interesting but you meet enough people you like. And living close to family (my wife's family in this case) means you have more network around etc. Obviously it's not easy to just pick up and move but I am sharing this because the benefits of living in the right, family oriented, place would have been lost on me. Thank G-d my wife was wiser.

tayo42 8mo ago
Do you live in the US?
- freejazz 8mo ago
  Doesn't sound different than most of the neighborhoods in Brooklyn
- xyzelement 8mo ago
  I am in a suburb that's closest to NYC without being a part of the city.
  - dmd 8mo ago
    I grew up in a place like that (Port Washington, NY), and it was pretty ideal; I'm raising my own two kids in a suburb of Boston that feels very, very similar along almost every axis.

GorbachevyChase 8mo ago

I was young and cool once. I traveled, I did wild things that make good stories, and I did wild things that I will never tell a soul. I think that I had all the adventures that I could handle without having a criminal record. But once I had my first child, all of those things seemed so petty and inconsequential. I don’t miss the night life, the hobbies, or the drinking buddies. My life revolves around the little people I brought into this world, and nothing I’ve ever done has made me more fulfilled. If I had the chance to give up all of my 20s and all those hedonistic pursuits and settle down 10 years earlier, I would do it without hesitation. I know some people resent being parents, but seeing my kids is a rewarding feeling in a way that I never could have understood until I had experienced it. Don’t let the TV tell you what joy is.

program_whiz 8mo ago
Yep this is 100% it -- my partner and I who stayed single and lived out our 20s and early 30s "experiencing life" only wish we could have met and settled down 10 years earlier. Its way more important and rewarding than all the shallow stuff that people talk about. Of course sometimes you miss the freedom, but sometimes I missed high school when I was in college -- didn't mean it was a step down. Sometimes I missed college and my old job when I got a "real job", of course, it was still a strict upgrade, but you can always look back and appreciate what was good about the old days.
sizzle 8mo ago
It’s literally the only purpose of life to pass on our genetics to our offsprings in a Darwinian sense.
knowitnone3 8mo ago
[dead]
dalyons 8mo ago
> I was young and cool once. I traveled, I did wild things that make good stories, and I did wild things that I will never tell a soul. I think that I had all the adventures that I could handle without having a criminal record. yes me too > My life revolves around the little people I brought into this world, and nothing I’ve ever done has made me more fulfilled. .... I know some people resent being parents, but seeing my kids is a rewarding feeling in a way that I never could have understood until I had experienced it. Don’t let the TV tell you what joy is. yes me too absolutley > If I had the chance to give up all of my 20s and all those hedonistic pursuits and settle down 10 years earlier, I would do it without hesitation. Total opposite for me, no way. Whilst i dont want to do them now, I am so SO glad i had those experiences. I know I would be deep in a mid life crisis today wondering "what if" if i had missed the fun and gone straight to having kids in my 20s. Like, id probably be blowing up my life over it now, doing something stupid, out of FOMO for never having tried living other lives. Different people are different, but it would have been a TERRIBLE choice for me. (im also not the only one - witness the commonality of the old mid-life-crises sportscar and mistress trope that was born out of a period having kids young)

nineplay 8mo ago

I agree, it's the public attitudes that are most disheartening and probably some of the reason young people are less inclined to have children. All over society people are seeing kids as a kind of personal indulgence that shouldn't be allowed to impact other people - whether its a lack of sympathy that parents have higher priorities at work, or looking down on kids who act like kids in public. At the same time parents who let their kids look at screens in public are demonizes, as apparently only kids who are perfectly behaved without distractions should be allowed out. Meanwhile when dogs bite people there's an outpouring of 'well why did you bother that dog?'.

sizzle 8mo ago
It’s literally the only purpose of life to pass on our genetics to our offsprings in a Darwinian sense.
- rc5150 8mo ago
  Speak for yourself.
  - sizzle 8mo ago
    I am? Why else would I share that perspective. It’s a fact of life, pass on your genes or end your lineage.
- ranguna 8mo ago
  I live to be happy, but you do you.

socalgal2 8mo ago

I have plenty of friends with young kids that are super social. They invite people over, take their kids to restaurants and invite people to come, go to picniqs, festivals, and other things. We love their kids (or at least all the people that show up do). You have the agency to make it happen.

sizzle 8mo ago
Lack of sleep when they are young makes you into a zombie
fleeting900 8mo ago
You and your love for and acceptance of their kids and willingness to show up to family-friendly activities are very likely the key to their ability to do this.
- socalgal2 8mo ago
  If your friends suck, get new friends.

pino83 8mo ago

> It's just hard now. Before I had kids I had a network of friends and had a great social life. Now it's just me and my wife. If I want more friends I'll have to have more kids I guess? I have 4 now. One (my first) is severely autistic. Maybe this disappointment is at least a bidirectional thing?! For me it's quite hard to find somebody in my contact list who has children today AND did not turn into a mostly pointless contact. There's often the expectation that you're super interested and excited about their children. But even if you'd try. You'll never get something back. Not because they turned into bad persons. But because there are just no spare resources for it (e.g. in terms of calendar slots) on their side anymore. Do I have to be infinitely sympathetic with them? Or is there some limit at which I am allowed to say: This friendship just doesn't give me anything anymore.

lucyjojo 8mo ago
since i had kids my friends come more often to my place since i can go less often to theirs. and we have a great time, because we are friends... really depends on what you call friends. i am not very social and have very few friends (i don't have a "contact list"), but these are strong friendships.

bgirard 8mo ago

Your experience sounds exactly like mine. My son is very autistic as well. I've had to cut off friends with families because either their didn't understand meltdown and were incredibly judgy because they were blaming my parenting for his ASD meltdowns, or others because my autistic son was a "bad influence". God forbid their (later diagnosed) kid have some exposure to a child with different neurodiversities. That's not even going into my traumatic health care experience to getting my son help when he needed it. So now I have all the hardships of raising a family, and I'm restricted friendship within the small ND accepting community of my area. So my support network is incredibly small and I barely get any support. It sucks. Reading the responses to your story that are nitpicking it over your daycare experience is a perfect representation of the problems that families face.

sylens 8mo ago

This is such a great comment. I think people don't realize how much harder it is to raise kids now than the 90s or even early 2000s.

KellyCriterion 8mo ago
When I was young in the 80ies, my mum worked part-time 4h as basic clerk, mainly for fun and having people around her so that she doesnt have to take care of us for the whole day. My dad worked fulltime as an engineer, the bought a house. Today, you need 2 top tier salaries to make childcaycare and rent even possible

mmmBacon 8mo ago

Midnight PRs sounds really sad. Pager duty; I mean you’re not saving people in the ER. Everything you’ve written comes off as profoundly selfish and self-centered. God forbid your 8 month old needs to be a priority over pager duty. Raising kids is hard, I have 3 but it’s not sad. Blowing off some steam is something every parent needs. But it sounds like you are in desperate need of some perspective on life.

rc5150 8mo ago

"don't get me started on dog/cat people who..." listen dude, you chose to have kids. You and your partner made the conscious decision to produce life, maybe instead of complaining about it, just live it and stop vilifying people who made different choices than you did. You talk about your children as if they're a burden and that's sad.

themaninthedark 8mo ago
>who equate their struggles to mine... Perhaps they don't like the fact that someone is equating pet struggles to human struggles. Doesn't sound like they are talking about them being a burden, just how their life has changed and how they can't do all the things that those without kids do.
- igor47 8mo ago
  > their life has changed and how they can't do all the things that those without kids do. This is true of people with pets, too. Everyone's struggles are equally their struggles. I too get a little miffed when someone invokes the struggle Olympics, especially when their struggles are the consequence of their choices.

giardini 8mo ago

$6000 a month for daycare? Either you're really bad at math or you're a sap! "There's a sucker born every minute!" - P.T. Barnum

silisili 8mo ago

Thanks for sharing. I feel a big part of what you experience is based on where you live. Having a family seems incongruous to the fast paced corpo world, sadly. I moved to a small, uninteresting town years ago, mainly to escape the hustle and crowds. Honestly, I don't like it much, it's a bit too small and dull for my tastes. But more on point, the people here have all been so mind bendingly kind and patient with the kids that it makes it really hard to leave. I wish every place were so patient, but there's probably a pretty direct negative correlation between that and 'getting ahead', whatever that means.