11 ms·

The illusion of being stuck

207 points by benoitmalige 3y ago

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
hyperhello 3y ago
Just a tip, it’s actually “break free”, not “brake free”.
- oskapt 3y ago
  And it also isn’t “dreadfull.” I am very skeptical of taking any advice from a person unable to use basic spell checking before publishing an article. I’m also skeptical of advice from someone who has only recently discovered a possible solution for his very personal problems and feels he should share it with the world. In the 12-step world there are people who only do the first and last steps. They’re called two-steppers. You can look up the steps yourselves, but essentially it translates to, “we admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable, and having had a spiritual awakening, we told everyone else how to fix their lives.” There are a lot of steps in between being stuck and becoming unstuck. The author should just quietly repair his life and shelve his egotistical need for external validation.
  - ufocia 3y ago
    > two-steppers ... “we admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable, and having had a spiritual awakening, we told everyone else how to fix their lives.” LOL, though it may be the starting point of all the self-help systems, which later evolve iteratively adding intermediate steps.
  - benoitmalige 3y ago
    Thank you for pointing out the spelling mistake. Your skepticism is valid; advice should be considered carefully, especially when it’s based on personal experiences that might not be universally applicable. My letters are less about instructing others and more about sharing my reflections as I navigate through my own journey. It’s not about two-stepping around the hard work of self-improvement, but about the ongoing process of understanding and growth. As for the need for validation, I see this platform more as a conversation with others who might relate or benefit from my experiences, rather than seeking applause. Again, I appreciate your candor — it’s an important part of the dialogue.
  - Eudaimion 3y ago
    You are taking things, way too seriously. > I’m also skeptical of advice from someone who has only recently discovered a possible solution for his very personal problems and feels he should share it with the world. Advice should never be just taken at face value. Even if it is a successful person giving it. Personally, any advice from Elon Musk is worth less, than any random link on HN. > The author should just quietly repair his life and shelve his egotistical need for external validation. This is just mean. I one hundred percent guarantee that there are other people, with the same problem as the author. And his solution will be useful. Sharing is a net good. TL;DR through a Dev World Prism: No, I completely disagree that only staff engineers should be allowed to have technical blogs.
mhb 3y ago
Part of this might be that, before starting something, you can maintain the illusion that everything will go as you planned. Actually starting requires abandoning that comfortable illusion in the face of the reality of inevitable obstacles and compromises.
rwasco 3y ago
> I impulssively bought a plane ticket to Panama: > I cried. Haven’t done that in years. > I had the uncomfortable conversation with my business partner to tell them I no longer have passion for it and am leaving them the decision to continue or quit. > I forced myself to talk to strangers every single day. These also could be explained by someone entering hypomania. How would you distinguish stuck/unstuck from depressed/hypomanic?
- maroonblazer 3y ago
  3 of those 4 - crying, having an uncomfortable conversation, and talking to strangers - don't seem like symptoms of hypomania. The impulsive plane ticket to Panama is questionable too. We'd need to know a LOT more about the individual to make the leap from that to a disorder.
  - benoitmalige 3y ago
    You’re right, those actions by themselves don’t necessarily point to hypomania—they’re just snippets of a larger journey. Panama was indeed just the beginning; the real journey has been internal—navigating the landscapes of self-discovery and learning to process my thoughts through writing. Your comment is much appreciated; it’s all part of the conversation about understanding ourselves better. So thank you for that.
- imbnwa 3y ago
  I don't see the virtue of grounding an empirical wisdom in some species of scientific (mechanical might be better the term?) description. Funny enough, in relation to your comment, I've never met anyone motivated by this brand of advocacy who didn't suffer swings in depression; as if 'science' were some exterior mass whose gravity/gravitas would pull them up and out from the dregs of the swamp by virtue of its sheer presence to mind.
- hallway_monitor 3y ago
  I think these labels definitely apply, if you think about it as a spectrum. Maybe the author's state wasn't pathological in either case but he definitely went from low energy to high energy. I notice these shifts in myself and others; deciding to change it is the only way to get yourself out of a rut in my experience. When I do feel a little too "amped up" I use that energy and just make sure to avoid big decisions.
Exuma 3y ago
Now that is a great fucking article. I have to tell people this all the time and no one can truly grasp what I'm saying. You have absolutely nailed it.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Thanks so much, Exuma! It’s really encouraging to hear that the article struck a chord with you. Sometimes the hardest ideas to convey are the ones that matter most, and it’s awesome to know it resonated. Here’s to hoping it helps more people get the message you’ve been trying to share.
thyrox 3y ago
Is there survivor bias in being stuck? We have accepted that people who leap out of their comfort zone end up always successful. But a lot of time this is not true. I know few people who have regretted jumping and making impulsive decision in the name of growth.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Good point. Nothing is without risk, and it doesn't always lead to success. Every jump, impulsive or calculated, has its own set of outcomes and consequences, and it's important to consider both sides.
rolandog 3y ago
Estoy orgulloso de tí ;). I like your article. It takes courage to pivot and get out of your comfort zone.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Muchas gracias. Your words mean a lot to me. It's one thing to step out of the comfort zone, and another to share that journey openly. I'm glad you liked the article, and I hope it can inspire courage in others as well.
olesya1979 3y ago
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cess11 3y ago
"Here's the problem: Your brain and its cortical columns are designed to conserve energy at all costs." How does this model explain substance addiction? 'You need to consciously and repetitively seek out "False" signals and embrace the discomfort they bring. You need to construct a new reality.' Much like the 'why aren't you growing? you need to grow. grow!' sentiment in the beginning this seems more in line with something tumorous than what I'd like to be or become.
- pier25 3y ago
  It explains psychological addiction. You grow attached to a familiar and seemingly safe numbing sensation. Physical addiction is another thing.
  - cess11 3y ago
    OK, so this is a model relevant for people that believe in a dualist worldview? Kinda like a soul that needs to be kept pure or something?
    - pier25 3y ago
      How come? Psychology is entirely physical. Physical dependence is a technical term. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_dependence https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_dependence
- throwaway11460 3y ago
  Substance addiction is free reward with no effort at all. Sounds like it fits!
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  The brain's tendency to conserve energy does play a part in substance addiction, reinforcing behaviors that provide a high reward for little effort. However, this model overlooks the complexity of addiction, which involves not just the pursuit of rewards but also the avoidance of withdrawal discomfort. The conversation around addiction would also need to consider the neurological changes that perpetuate the cycle, making it a state that's incredibly challenging to break free from. However, I can't specifically speak on physical addiction, as it's outside my area of expertise. The intention behind my writing is to unpack my own thoughts, aiding me in my journey toward self-discovery and the pursuit of purpose.
galleywest200 3y ago
When I was getting my undergraduate degree one of my chemistry professors taught us that "I don't know" is one of the most important sentences a scientist can and should say. You will be viewed as a source of knowledge or as an expert, do not fill people with BS or guesses.
noufalibrahim 3y ago
I've come across these kinds of articles before and they always seem to suggest that you rewrite the metaphorical firmware of your brain so that it operates in a way that is advantageous to you. There's some notion of self discovery from first principles. I'm not convinced that this is generally a good idea. It makes a person unmoored and open to anything ("so open minded that your brains fall out"). It's also often amoral. The only metric that's maximised is utility regardless of other more subtle consequences. As I grow older, i think the human experience is more complex than can be captured by a few "hacks" like this.
- card_zero 3y ago
  Did you know, the brain is hard-wired to be suckered by self-help books? One trick that I personally find very liberating and enlightening is to make a big pile of such material and burn it. It gives me a sense of warmth and inner joy.
  - noufalibrahim 3y ago
    Isn't the combustion external? Why would the warmth be internal?
    - ufocia 3y ago
      Semantics dear Watson: it's the inner joy that's internal.
      - noufalibrahim 3y ago
        Never let an explanation ruin a terrible pun.
    - gumby 3y ago
      “Burn” is a commonplace synonym for oxidization, that is, adding an electron. Likely the GP is “eating the books, and thus is warmed as a consequence of the Krebs cycle. We can be glad for GP that these days it is uncommon to encounter a book with a CD or DVD attached. I’m not sure those are safe to eat.
richrichie 3y ago
Any time i see an article that talks in definitive terms what parts of the human brain do and extrapolate that to tactics to mold behavior patterns, i take a ritual bath and open a bottle of whiskey.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  I appreciate your perspective — it's always good to approach definitive statements with a healthy dose of skepticism. My articles are really personal reflections, a way for me to process and sort through my own thoughts. When I'm offering advice or insights, I'm often speaking to myself, hoping to uncover a bit more clarity in the complex web of human behavior.
navane 3y ago
So this guy had all the opportunities, choose to spend his time to herd clicks for some big corps, finds out it's an empty life and suggests to do things like "but a plane ticket to Panama" to get unstuck. Sometimes your therapist asks you to write a letter but you're supposed to keep those in your drawer.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My writing is a method for me to navigate and clarify my own journey of introspection and growth. "You" is often a reflection of myself in the mirror of words. Whether it strikes a chord with others is a welcome bonus, but not the end goal. The essence of my message stems from a personal revelation: after dedicating six years to a company I built from the ground up, I realized I was losing myself in the pursuit of success. It’s not about wandering aimlessly for profit; it's about the quest for meaningful work and rediscovering the parts of myself that got buried in the hustle.
mikewarot 3y ago
Knowledge of the illusion can be enough to help you route around it. You can not escape from a prison you don't know you're in.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Absolutely, awareness is the first step towards change.Thanks for that insight, it's a valuable addition to the idea of mental barriers and personal growth.
ericmcer 3y ago
Don’t people have partners, kids, aging parents, hell even pets that depend on them? The authors version of being stuck seems like a luxury, an inward exploration to find out how you are holding yourself back. To even approach it from that angle you need to have no one depending on you. I can’t “shake things up” by trying a new career or taking impulsive vacations because other human beings rely on me being “stuck”.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  You raise an excellent point, and it's true that everyone's circumstances are unique. In my case, my family is in another country, and my pursuit of the American dream led me to work so intensely that I overlooked the simple act of living. While I understand that not everyone has the flexibility to make drastic changes due to their responsibilities, I believe we all have our own paths to feeling unstuck. My writing is a personal tool to help me navigate my path and make sense of my experiences. Thank you for sharing your perspective—it's a vital reminder of the diverse lives we all lead.
- newZWhoDis 3y ago
  You massively underestimate the social atomization of the modern world.
- Dessesaf 3y ago
  I think you overestimate how strongly those ties bind people to their current situations. I don't know your situation, so don't take this the wrong way. Maybe your ties truly do bind you. And maybe that's perfectly fine. But I think for the vast majority of people, simply having a pet or a partner or a kid does not really tie them to their current situation. It's just about what you value more. Of course all of these ties change the tradeoffs of your choices. But every circumstance in life is a constraint on your choices. And large scale changes are possible even with all those things, should you desire it. There are plenty of people that take impulse vacations, change careers, countries, friends, partners, while having all of the dependents you list. And if you consider all those tradeoffs and decide change isn't worth it, that's perfectly fine. But I see people use this to state that they had no choice in the matter. No, you had a choice and you chose from a constrained but still massive set of potential life situations. This is simply the one you prefer. To bring this back to the article: Take this and keep asking the same question. You’ll get to the root of it soon enough. In this instance, your feeling of being stuck is less about the external circumstances and more about internal barriers—fears, beliefs, and assumptions that keep you tethered to the familiar, however unsatisfying it may be. If you keep asking the question, but your underlying answer is "It is actually more about the external circumstances than internal barriers", then that's your answer. You're not really stuck, you just made your choices and are where you wanted to be.
mlhpdx 3y ago
> do the uncomfortable thing. I’ve done this ever since learning about “brain plasticity” as a child. My logic was/is simple: if I didn’t want something to feel uncomfortable I had to do it regularly. To me, building physical strength/ability and mental strength/ability were the same. Sitting on a moving bike was uncomfortable and now isn’t, and architecting distributed systems, too. Perhaps simplistic, and not worth a long article, but pretty close to the truth it seems, as I look back.
dclowd9901 3y ago
I think I’m one of those few (lucky?) people who disdains stagnation. If I start to feel comfortable in my job, I start to get this resonant itchiness to move on from it. I find a new job and suddenly it dawns on me how much new shit I have to learn and do. I learn and do and the cycle repeats!
wvh 3y ago
This person is experiencing the same kind of existential conundrum and arriving at the same conclusions as I am at this not so easy point in life, and although I can't really offer them more wisdom or insight as they themselves are offering in this post, I wish them all the best in unlocking their brain and finding better ways to feel satisfied and a better sense of meaning.
nefrix 3y ago
This article reminded me of David Mumet’s character, Edmond. In that play things does not end very happily for the main character after he asks himself to many “whys” and starts to do lots of changes on his day routines.
manmal 3y ago
At the end of the article, it becomes clear that author went abroad for a while, which might have inspired the article. Changing one’s environment is indeed a good way to get unstuck - eg some addicts only ever get out of the vicious cycle by moving away and cutting ties with everything/everyone that kept them stuck. Maybe the rest of the article has merit too, but I’m not sure it’s not a post hoc rationalization.
spxneo 3y ago
If you feel stuck it means you need new habits because the old ones are not serving you well! Program your environment, set up commitment devices to lock in your future behaviour that is positive and effortless. Do not ever set goals, they are high-risk low pay off mental bets that will eat you if you fail (odds are against you).
- copperx 3y ago
  What is an example of a commitment device?
  - spxneo 3y ago
    addicted to smartphones? leave it behind when you go to study at the library and you have no choice but to study. you are not hitting the gyms for the 10 years you been telling people? subscribe to a local gym on the way to or back from work! (brain: "well i already spent money and its too embarassing to cancel now and besides the gym is literally down the same street i dont even have to drive there welp guess im going")
  - mimischi 3y ago
    This might be cliche, but if you can afford to (time and money), have a go at „Atomic Habits“ by James Clear. It’s an easy and enjoyable read, that outlines a framework of how you can build new habits and get rid of your old, unwanted ones.
    - spxneo 3y ago
      yeah pretty much thats where all my quotes are from i recommend this book to everyone i meet it is life changing
    - paulgerhardt 3y ago
      If "Atomic Habits" doesn't sit with you (I found the endless anecdotes about the author's high school baseball career detracting) I recommend "Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals" - it's slightly less targeted to fans of Ryan Holiday/Tim Ferris and slightly more targeted to productivity hack tooling reformed/burnt-out individuals.
malkosta 3y ago
Around a year ago I had one of those 6 months long tasks that you have no idea where to start. I hitted my had on the wall a few times, and had to erase first month work completely. In the end what worked was: - Spend a day or two creating a fuzzy view of the whole problem. Pay attention to the rabbit holes, do not fall in them, be superficial. - Spend a day or two creating a detailed view of the next 2 weeks. Go as deep as you can, but pay attention to not prepare more than 2 weeks of work, because things WILL change. And you will lose a lot of work. Minimize that. - Execute. - Repeat. After a couple iterations your estimation will be much better and you will see the light in the end of the tunnnel.
indigoabstract 3y ago
Every time I read about these mind hacks that are supposed to transform your life and attitude, I'm reminded of the Novelty effect: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novelty_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novelty_effect It's the best thing ever, until you get used to it, than it becomes the same old. Sometimes I think the human race is completely ruled by this effect, ever chasing the next new thing as it seems so much better than the boring old thing.
- jerrygoyal 3y ago
  what makes us feel good is dopamine and its cousins. Repeatedly doing the same thing produces less dopamine. This is how we are hard-wired, but it's essential for our survival.
  - indigoabstract 3y ago
    That's largely true. Still, there seems to be a difference between what we think we want and what we actually want, but we can't usually tell the difference in the moment, only in hindsight. Eventually we find out, because we stick to what we actually want and discard what we thought we wanted.
betimsl 3y ago
Pretty awesome article -- rock on
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Much appreciated
0xfedcafe 3y ago
I fully agree with this article, based on my experience, which I achieved purely empirically. I was stuck for a long time and couldn't do new, challenging things for myself; it felt almost impossible. The solution was to get more and more challenges in life. This happened almost accidentally, but a lot has changed. After all the discomfort that occurred bit by bit, it has become much easier to do something new. Even if it feels disgusting and you want to shout, the only solution is to just do it. Also, building new habits helps a lot because it takes at least several weeks, so you have to accept this challenge and do it.
Janet085 3y ago
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stevenjgarner 3y ago
I personally found "The Neuroscience of Change" by Kelly McGonigal [1] most useful in becoming "unstuck". Essentially for myself it was being taken through the realization that life is change, how with every breath the trillions of cells in my body undergo substantive transformational change, that my self-delusion of being stuck became comical. [1] https://www.soundstrue.com/products/the-neuroscience-of-change https://www.soundstrue.com/products/the-neuroscience-of-chan...
padolsey 3y ago
Why does this feel like an AI wrote it? And the whole website feels the same. The OP is here commenting as well and, though polite, just gives off an AI vibe. Really off.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Sorry it feels that way. I promise you I'm real, and the newsletter takes me time to write. I'll take that as a compliment :)
flowingfocus 3y ago
The whole process of predicting the world and trying to match incoming data against the predictions is explained in more detail in "Surfing Uncertainty". Relevant SSC book review: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/09/05/book-review-surfing-uncertainty/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/09/05/book-review-surfing-un...
gnum4n 3y ago
Aside: I hate the popup subscription CTA that asks for my email address in the middle of reading the article. How could I know whether I want to subscribe before I finish reading, and why interrupt my reading the article at all? There are clearly marked "Subscribe" buttons at the header and the footer of the page that I could use if I wanted emails. But there's no RSS/Atom feed. I'm just a grumpy programmer that gets annoyed by unnecessary interruptions. I'll see myself out...
mycologos 3y ago
I've now watched several dudes go through this process by following their blogs: 1) Build a small to medium size following writing about technical or entrepreneurial stuff 2) Make it to some kind of financial success (sell a company, advance at a big tech org) 3/4) Reflect and find yourself unhappy and make big personal life changes, leaving your wife/partner and leaving your company 5) Adopt an increasingly effusive, emotional, and untethered style of writing and living ("today I cried my way to a beautiful and uncomfortable conversation after a three-day retreat on an island with other former tech workers. Also I tried some drugs. I can't wait to reflect more!") I guess this is kind of unkind, there are plenty of worse ways of living. And TFA is not fully an example of it. But it's strange to see it play out repeatedly. Maybe some component of emotional repression is more common in software people and when financial constraints fall away it presents itself as the next thing to optimize, or maybe nobody writes blog posts about living a conventional life committed to a small group of people, but it almost feels like a cliche at this point.
abhaynayar 3y ago
Love this. I follow the same approach for some of the deepest set issues I have. Learnt it from CBT. Is working wonders for me. Just something from my experience - taking action is 1000x more important than challenging thoughts and core beliefs. The latter should be done, but quite often it is done as a form of procrastination. So the rule I have is - I only challenge thoughts after I've TAKEN ACTION in a way that has triggered those feelings. So facing those fears and discomforts is the meat of the matter, and the self-awareness just makes the whole process a bit more efficient and well-directed.
TomaszZielinski 3y ago
It appears to me that quite of few people in this thread seem to criticize the concepts from the article on the ground that it's some kind of "self-help mumbo jumbo" (for the lack of a better term). I quickly skimmed the article and whereas I can't tell if it makes sense as a whole (I would have to persue it and think for a while), the individual concepts there resemble tools from ancient philosophies. For instance, the mannequin issue is basically a stoic concept of "testing your impressions", i.e. check whether they are what they seem to be. Basically, your mind is constantly receiving so called impressions (sensory inputs), along with quick attempts by the brain to classify them (thoughts). And then one's task is to either assent, dissent or suspend the judgement of the impression. In the case of the mannequin from the article, the (false) impression is the image, along with a quick thought "it's a man". Obviously the situation is very low stake, so it doesn't matter that much if we assent to a false impression, but in high stake situations assenting to false impression might be the cause or factor of anxiety or depression. (Also, this is similar to challenging your thoughts in CBT, although I don't think CBT deals with trivial stuff like classifying mannequins. Whereas in Stoicism there's this classic example of misidentifying a wax apple as a real thing, so it was a better fit.)

207 points by benoitmalige 3y ago

deleted 3y ago

[deleted]

hyperhello 3y ago

Just a tip, it’s actually “break free”, not “brake free”.

oskapt 3y ago
And it also isn’t “dreadfull.” I am very skeptical of taking any advice from a person unable to use basic spell checking before publishing an article. I’m also skeptical of advice from someone who has only recently discovered a possible solution for his very personal problems and feels he should share it with the world. In the 12-step world there are people who only do the first and last steps. They’re called two-steppers. You can look up the steps yourselves, but essentially it translates to, “we admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable, and having had a spiritual awakening, we told everyone else how to fix their lives.” There are a lot of steps in between being stuck and becoming unstuck. The author should just quietly repair his life and shelve his egotistical need for external validation.
- ufocia 3y ago
  > two-steppers ... “we admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable, and having had a spiritual awakening, we told everyone else how to fix their lives.” LOL, though it may be the starting point of all the self-help systems, which later evolve iteratively adding intermediate steps.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  Thank you for pointing out the spelling mistake. Your skepticism is valid; advice should be considered carefully, especially when it’s based on personal experiences that might not be universally applicable. My letters are less about instructing others and more about sharing my reflections as I navigate through my own journey. It’s not about two-stepping around the hard work of self-improvement, but about the ongoing process of understanding and growth. As for the need for validation, I see this platform more as a conversation with others who might relate or benefit from my experiences, rather than seeking applause. Again, I appreciate your candor — it’s an important part of the dialogue.
- Eudaimion 3y ago
  You are taking things, way too seriously. > I’m also skeptical of advice from someone who has only recently discovered a possible solution for his very personal problems and feels he should share it with the world. Advice should never be just taken at face value. Even if it is a successful person giving it. Personally, any advice from Elon Musk is worth less, than any random link on HN. > The author should just quietly repair his life and shelve his egotistical need for external validation. This is just mean. I one hundred percent guarantee that there are other people, with the same problem as the author. And his solution will be useful. Sharing is a net good. TL;DR through a Dev World Prism: No, I completely disagree that only staff engineers should be allowed to have technical blogs.

mhb 3y ago

Part of this might be that, before starting something, you can maintain the illusion that everything will go as you planned. Actually starting requires abandoning that comfortable illusion in the face of the reality of inevitable obstacles and compromises.

rwasco 3y ago

> I impulssively bought a plane ticket to Panama: > I cried. Haven’t done that in years. > I had the uncomfortable conversation with my business partner to tell them I no longer have passion for it and am leaving them the decision to continue or quit. > I forced myself to talk to strangers every single day. These also could be explained by someone entering hypomania. How would you distinguish stuck/unstuck from depressed/hypomanic?

maroonblazer 3y ago
3 of those 4 - crying, having an uncomfortable conversation, and talking to strangers - don't seem like symptoms of hypomania. The impulsive plane ticket to Panama is questionable too. We'd need to know a LOT more about the individual to make the leap from that to a disorder.
- benoitmalige 3y ago
  You’re right, those actions by themselves don’t necessarily point to hypomania—they’re just snippets of a larger journey. Panama was indeed just the beginning; the real journey has been internal—navigating the landscapes of self-discovery and learning to process my thoughts through writing. Your comment is much appreciated; it’s all part of the conversation about understanding ourselves better. So thank you for that.
imbnwa 3y ago
I don't see the virtue of grounding an empirical wisdom in some species of scientific (mechanical might be better the term?) description. Funny enough, in relation to your comment, I've never met anyone motivated by this brand of advocacy who didn't suffer swings in depression; as if 'science' were some exterior mass whose gravity/gravitas would pull them up and out from the dregs of the swamp by virtue of its sheer presence to mind.
hallway_monitor 3y ago
I think these labels definitely apply, if you think about it as a spectrum. Maybe the author's state wasn't pathological in either case but he definitely went from low energy to high energy. I notice these shifts in myself and others; deciding to change it is the only way to get yourself out of a rut in my experience. When I do feel a little too "amped up" I use that energy and just make sure to avoid big decisions.

Exuma 3y ago

Now that is a great fucking article. I have to tell people this all the time and no one can truly grasp what I'm saying. You have absolutely nailed it.

benoitmalige 3y ago
Thanks so much, Exuma! It’s really encouraging to hear that the article struck a chord with you. Sometimes the hardest ideas to convey are the ones that matter most, and it’s awesome to know it resonated. Here’s to hoping it helps more people get the message you’ve been trying to share.

thyrox 3y ago

Is there survivor bias in being stuck? We have accepted that people who leap out of their comfort zone end up always successful. But a lot of time this is not true. I know few people who have regretted jumping and making impulsive decision in the name of growth.

benoitmalige 3y ago
Good point. Nothing is without risk, and it doesn't always lead to success. Every jump, impulsive or calculated, has its own set of outcomes and consequences, and it's important to consider both sides.

rolandog 3y ago

Estoy orgulloso de tí ;). I like your article. It takes courage to pivot and get out of your comfort zone.

benoitmalige 3y ago
Muchas gracias. Your words mean a lot to me. It's one thing to step out of the comfort zone, and another to share that journey openly. I'm glad you liked the article, and I hope it can inspire courage in others as well.

olesya1979 3y ago

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cess11 3y ago

"Here's the problem: Your brain and its cortical columns are designed to conserve energy at all costs." How does this model explain substance addiction? 'You need to consciously and repetitively seek out "False" signals and embrace the discomfort they bring. You need to construct a new reality.' Much like the 'why aren't you growing? you need to grow. grow!' sentiment in the beginning this seems more in line with something tumorous than what I'd like to be or become.

pier25 3y ago
It explains psychological addiction. You grow attached to a familiar and seemingly safe numbing sensation. Physical addiction is another thing.
- cess11 3y ago
  OK, so this is a model relevant for people that believe in a dualist worldview? Kinda like a soul that needs to be kept pure or something?
  - pier25 3y ago
    How come? Psychology is entirely physical. Physical dependence is a technical term. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_dependence https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_dependence
throwaway11460 3y ago
Substance addiction is free reward with no effort at all. Sounds like it fits!
benoitmalige 3y ago
The brain's tendency to conserve energy does play a part in substance addiction, reinforcing behaviors that provide a high reward for little effort. However, this model overlooks the complexity of addiction, which involves not just the pursuit of rewards but also the avoidance of withdrawal discomfort. The conversation around addiction would also need to consider the neurological changes that perpetuate the cycle, making it a state that's incredibly challenging to break free from. However, I can't specifically speak on physical addiction, as it's outside my area of expertise. The intention behind my writing is to unpack my own thoughts, aiding me in my journey toward self-discovery and the pursuit of purpose.

galleywest200 3y ago

When I was getting my undergraduate degree one of my chemistry professors taught us that "I don't know" is one of the most important sentences a scientist can and should say. You will be viewed as a source of knowledge or as an expert, do not fill people with BS or guesses.

noufalibrahim 3y ago

I've come across these kinds of articles before and they always seem to suggest that you rewrite the metaphorical firmware of your brain so that it operates in a way that is advantageous to you. There's some notion of self discovery from first principles. I'm not convinced that this is generally a good idea. It makes a person unmoored and open to anything ("so open minded that your brains fall out"). It's also often amoral. The only metric that's maximised is utility regardless of other more subtle consequences. As I grow older, i think the human experience is more complex than can be captured by a few "hacks" like this.

card_zero 3y ago
Did you know, the brain is hard-wired to be suckered by self-help books? One trick that I personally find very liberating and enlightening is to make a big pile of such material and burn it. It gives me a sense of warmth and inner joy.
- noufalibrahim 3y ago
  Isn't the combustion external? Why would the warmth be internal?
  - ufocia 3y ago
    Semantics dear Watson: it's the inner joy that's internal.
    - noufalibrahim 3y ago
      Never let an explanation ruin a terrible pun.
  - gumby 3y ago
    “Burn” is a commonplace synonym for oxidization, that is, adding an electron. Likely the GP is “eating the books, and thus is warmed as a consequence of the Krebs cycle. We can be glad for GP that these days it is uncommon to encounter a book with a CD or DVD attached. I’m not sure those are safe to eat.

richrichie 3y ago

Any time i see an article that talks in definitive terms what parts of the human brain do and extrapolate that to tactics to mold behavior patterns, i take a ritual bath and open a bottle of whiskey.

benoitmalige 3y ago
I appreciate your perspective — it's always good to approach definitive statements with a healthy dose of skepticism. My articles are really personal reflections, a way for me to process and sort through my own thoughts. When I'm offering advice or insights, I'm often speaking to myself, hoping to uncover a bit more clarity in the complex web of human behavior.

navane 3y ago

So this guy had all the opportunities, choose to spend his time to herd clicks for some big corps, finds out it's an empty life and suggests to do things like "but a plane ticket to Panama" to get unstuck. Sometimes your therapist asks you to write a letter but you're supposed to keep those in your drawer.

benoitmalige 3y ago
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My writing is a method for me to navigate and clarify my own journey of introspection and growth. "You" is often a reflection of myself in the mirror of words. Whether it strikes a chord with others is a welcome bonus, but not the end goal. The essence of my message stems from a personal revelation: after dedicating six years to a company I built from the ground up, I realized I was losing myself in the pursuit of success. It’s not about wandering aimlessly for profit; it's about the quest for meaningful work and rediscovering the parts of myself that got buried in the hustle.

mikewarot 3y ago

Knowledge of the illusion can be enough to help you route around it. You can not escape from a prison you don't know you're in.

benoitmalige 3y ago
Absolutely, awareness is the first step towards change.Thanks for that insight, it's a valuable addition to the idea of mental barriers and personal growth.

ericmcer 3y ago

Don’t people have partners, kids, aging parents, hell even pets that depend on them? The authors version of being stuck seems like a luxury, an inward exploration to find out how you are holding yourself back. To even approach it from that angle you need to have no one depending on you. I can’t “shake things up” by trying a new career or taking impulsive vacations because other human beings rely on me being “stuck”.

benoitmalige 3y ago
You raise an excellent point, and it's true that everyone's circumstances are unique. In my case, my family is in another country, and my pursuit of the American dream led me to work so intensely that I overlooked the simple act of living. While I understand that not everyone has the flexibility to make drastic changes due to their responsibilities, I believe we all have our own paths to feeling unstuck. My writing is a personal tool to help me navigate my path and make sense of my experiences. Thank you for sharing your perspective—it's a vital reminder of the diverse lives we all lead.
newZWhoDis 3y ago
You massively underestimate the social atomization of the modern world.
Dessesaf 3y ago
I think you overestimate how strongly those ties bind people to their current situations. I don't know your situation, so don't take this the wrong way. Maybe your ties truly do bind you. And maybe that's perfectly fine. But I think for the vast majority of people, simply having a pet or a partner or a kid does not really tie them to their current situation. It's just about what you value more. Of course all of these ties change the tradeoffs of your choices. But every circumstance in life is a constraint on your choices. And large scale changes are possible even with all those things, should you desire it. There are plenty of people that take impulse vacations, change careers, countries, friends, partners, while having all of the dependents you list. And if you consider all those tradeoffs and decide change isn't worth it, that's perfectly fine. But I see people use this to state that they had no choice in the matter. No, you had a choice and you chose from a constrained but still massive set of potential life situations. This is simply the one you prefer. To bring this back to the article: Take this and keep asking the same question. You’ll get to the root of it soon enough. In this instance, your feeling of being stuck is less about the external circumstances and more about internal barriers—fears, beliefs, and assumptions that keep you tethered to the familiar, however unsatisfying it may be. If you keep asking the question, but your underlying answer is "It is actually more about the external circumstances than internal barriers", then that's your answer. You're not really stuck, you just made your choices and are where you wanted to be.

mlhpdx 3y ago

> do the uncomfortable thing. I’ve done this ever since learning about “brain plasticity” as a child. My logic was/is simple: if I didn’t want something to feel uncomfortable I had to do it regularly. To me, building physical strength/ability and mental strength/ability were the same. Sitting on a moving bike was uncomfortable and now isn’t, and architecting distributed systems, too. Perhaps simplistic, and not worth a long article, but pretty close to the truth it seems, as I look back.

dclowd9901 3y ago

I think I’m one of those few (lucky?) people who disdains stagnation. If I start to feel comfortable in my job, I start to get this resonant itchiness to move on from it. I find a new job and suddenly it dawns on me how much new shit I have to learn and do. I learn and do and the cycle repeats!

wvh 3y ago

This person is experiencing the same kind of existential conundrum and arriving at the same conclusions as I am at this not so easy point in life, and although I can't really offer them more wisdom or insight as they themselves are offering in this post, I wish them all the best in unlocking their brain and finding better ways to feel satisfied and a better sense of meaning.

nefrix 3y ago

This article reminded me of David Mumet’s character, Edmond. In that play things does not end very happily for the main character after he asks himself to many “whys” and starts to do lots of changes on his day routines.

manmal 3y ago

At the end of the article, it becomes clear that author went abroad for a while, which might have inspired the article. Changing one’s environment is indeed a good way to get unstuck - eg some addicts only ever get out of the vicious cycle by moving away and cutting ties with everything/everyone that kept them stuck. Maybe the rest of the article has merit too, but I’m not sure it’s not a post hoc rationalization.

spxneo 3y ago

If you feel stuck it means you need new habits because the old ones are not serving you well! Program your environment, set up commitment devices to lock in your future behaviour that is positive and effortless. Do not ever set goals, they are high-risk low pay off mental bets that will eat you if you fail (odds are against you).

copperx 3y ago
What is an example of a commitment device?
- spxneo 3y ago
  addicted to smartphones? leave it behind when you go to study at the library and you have no choice but to study. you are not hitting the gyms for the 10 years you been telling people? subscribe to a local gym on the way to or back from work! (brain: "well i already spent money and its too embarassing to cancel now and besides the gym is literally down the same street i dont even have to drive there welp guess im going")
- mimischi 3y ago
  This might be cliche, but if you can afford to (time and money), have a go at „Atomic Habits“ by James Clear. It’s an easy and enjoyable read, that outlines a framework of how you can build new habits and get rid of your old, unwanted ones.
  - spxneo 3y ago
    yeah pretty much thats where all my quotes are from i recommend this book to everyone i meet it is life changing
  - paulgerhardt 3y ago
    If "Atomic Habits" doesn't sit with you (I found the endless anecdotes about the author's high school baseball career detracting) I recommend "Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals" - it's slightly less targeted to fans of Ryan Holiday/Tim Ferris and slightly more targeted to productivity hack tooling reformed/burnt-out individuals.

malkosta 3y ago

Around a year ago I had one of those 6 months long tasks that you have no idea where to start. I hitted my had on the wall a few times, and had to erase first month work completely. In the end what worked was: - Spend a day or two creating a fuzzy view of the whole problem. Pay attention to the rabbit holes, do not fall in them, be superficial. - Spend a day or two creating a detailed view of the next 2 weeks. Go as deep as you can, but pay attention to not prepare more than 2 weeks of work, because things WILL change. And you will lose a lot of work. Minimize that. - Execute. - Repeat. After a couple iterations your estimation will be much better and you will see the light in the end of the tunnnel.

indigoabstract 3y ago

Every time I read about these mind hacks that are supposed to transform your life and attitude, I'm reminded of the Novelty effect: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novelty_effect https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novelty_effect It's the best thing ever, until you get used to it, than it becomes the same old. Sometimes I think the human race is completely ruled by this effect, ever chasing the next new thing as it seems so much better than the boring old thing.

jerrygoyal 3y ago
what makes us feel good is dopamine and its cousins. Repeatedly doing the same thing produces less dopamine. This is how we are hard-wired, but it's essential for our survival.
- indigoabstract 3y ago
  That's largely true. Still, there seems to be a difference between what we think we want and what we actually want, but we can't usually tell the difference in the moment, only in hindsight. Eventually we find out, because we stick to what we actually want and discard what we thought we wanted.

betimsl 3y ago

Pretty awesome article -- rock on

benoitmalige 3y ago
Much appreciated

0xfedcafe 3y ago

I fully agree with this article, based on my experience, which I achieved purely empirically. I was stuck for a long time and couldn't do new, challenging things for myself; it felt almost impossible. The solution was to get more and more challenges in life. This happened almost accidentally, but a lot has changed. After all the discomfort that occurred bit by bit, it has become much easier to do something new. Even if it feels disgusting and you want to shout, the only solution is to just do it. Also, building new habits helps a lot because it takes at least several weeks, so you have to accept this challenge and do it.

Janet085 3y ago

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stevenjgarner 3y ago

I personally found "The Neuroscience of Change" by Kelly McGonigal [1] most useful in becoming "unstuck". Essentially for myself it was being taken through the realization that life is change, how with every breath the trillions of cells in my body undergo substantive transformational change, that my self-delusion of being stuck became comical. [1] https://www.soundstrue.com/products/the-neuroscience-of-change https://www.soundstrue.com/products/the-neuroscience-of-chan...

padolsey 3y ago

Why does this feel like an AI wrote it? And the whole website feels the same. The OP is here commenting as well and, though polite, just gives off an AI vibe. Really off.

benoitmalige 3y ago
Sorry it feels that way. I promise you I'm real, and the newsletter takes me time to write. I'll take that as a compliment :)

flowingfocus 3y ago

The whole process of predicting the world and trying to match incoming data against the predictions is explained in more detail in "Surfing Uncertainty". Relevant SSC book review: https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/09/05/book-review-surfing-uncertainty/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/09/05/book-review-surfing-un...

gnum4n 3y ago

Aside: I hate the popup subscription CTA that asks for my email address in the middle of reading the article. How could I know whether I want to subscribe before I finish reading, and why interrupt my reading the article at all? There are clearly marked "Subscribe" buttons at the header and the footer of the page that I could use if I wanted emails. But there's no RSS/Atom feed. I'm just a grumpy programmer that gets annoyed by unnecessary interruptions. I'll see myself out...

mycologos 3y ago

I've now watched several dudes go through this process by following their blogs: 1) Build a small to medium size following writing about technical or entrepreneurial stuff 2) Make it to some kind of financial success (sell a company, advance at a big tech org) 3/4) Reflect and find yourself unhappy and make big personal life changes, leaving your wife/partner and leaving your company 5) Adopt an increasingly effusive, emotional, and untethered style of writing and living ("today I cried my way to a beautiful and uncomfortable conversation after a three-day retreat on an island with other former tech workers. Also I tried some drugs. I can't wait to reflect more!") I guess this is kind of unkind, there are plenty of worse ways of living. And TFA is not fully an example of it. But it's strange to see it play out repeatedly. Maybe some component of emotional repression is more common in software people and when financial constraints fall away it presents itself as the next thing to optimize, or maybe nobody writes blog posts about living a conventional life committed to a small group of people, but it almost feels like a cliche at this point.

abhaynayar 3y ago

Love this. I follow the same approach for some of the deepest set issues I have. Learnt it from CBT. Is working wonders for me. Just something from my experience - taking action is 1000x more important than challenging thoughts and core beliefs. The latter should be done, but quite often it is done as a form of procrastination. So the rule I have is - I only challenge thoughts after I've TAKEN ACTION in a way that has triggered those feelings. So facing those fears and discomforts is the meat of the matter, and the self-awareness just makes the whole process a bit more efficient and well-directed.

TomaszZielinski 3y ago

It appears to me that quite of few people in this thread seem to criticize the concepts from the article on the ground that it's some kind of "self-help mumbo jumbo" (for the lack of a better term). I quickly skimmed the article and whereas I can't tell if it makes sense as a whole (I would have to persue it and think for a while), the individual concepts there resemble tools from ancient philosophies. For instance, the mannequin issue is basically a stoic concept of "testing your impressions", i.e. check whether they are what they seem to be. Basically, your mind is constantly receiving so called impressions (sensory inputs), along with quick attempts by the brain to classify them (thoughts). And then one's task is to either assent, dissent or suspend the judgement of the impression. In the case of the mannequin from the article, the (false) impression is the image, along with a quick thought "it's a man". Obviously the situation is very low stake, so it doesn't matter that much if we assent to a false impression, but in high stake situations assenting to false impression might be the cause or factor of anxiety or depression. (Also, this is similar to challenging your thoughts in CBT, although I don't think CBT deals with trivial stuff like classifying mannequins. Whereas in Stoicism there's this classic example of misidentifying a wax apple as a real thing, so it was a better fit.)