11 ms·

Telling your inner critic to chill

127 points by ktzn 4y ago

kayo_20211030 4y ago
I'll never get back the two minutes it took me to read this rubbish.
- ktzn 4y ago
  Dang I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m kind of new around here so finding my way around and just thought it was interesting.
jkingsbery 4y ago
Some of this seems like bad advice. Imposter syndrome is a real thing, and it's certainly possible to be overly self-critical. But plenty of people aren't "in the right place," and aren't "doing the right thing." People only get "stronger, smarter, ... and more productive" through intentional self-development, not by wishful thinking. For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better, and not content with how we are now. Telling yourself you're worse than you are isn't healthy, but neither is it healthy to tell yourself that you're better than you are. I would advise someone to overcome imposter syndrome by anchoring in objective facts about reality.
- throwaway98797 4y ago
  an inflated self image seems to be associated with happier less stressed people i found that the more delusional i get myself, the happier i am. maybe bad long term but feel better than seeing the “truth”, whatever that is anyways
  - Jensson 4y ago
    Yeah, which is why people tell themselves that their self doubt is just "impostor syndrome", there is no way they actually are bad its just them underestimating themselves! We all know how research shows how humans usually underestimates their own capabilities, right??? But I guess if that makes them happy why not. But it gets old quick when everyone says they have impostor syndrome.
    - Apocryphon 4y ago
      Well, the people who have Dunning-Kruger don’t have impostor syndrome. Wonder what the ratio is between the two, and the distribution.
      - dgb23 4y ago
        Nobody seems to be incompetent at anything anymore, but weirdly enough everyone has impostor syndrome now. For me, the nagging, head spinning inner critic that doesn't leave me alone is a major driver for curiosity, learning, creativity and general improvement. Impostor syndrome is when there's clear evidence that you're successful and competent but you still don't believe it and you are _afraid_ that this is uncovered. It is an irrational fear and a brutal delusion. It's one of those where you can get presented objective evidence that the fear is unwarranted but you still can't get rid of it. I never had impostor syndrome, but I can relate to those types of fears and mental challenges. It's very hard work to clear these types of things up. You don't even want to talk about it. People who suck at something do not have impostor syndrome, by definition. What is much more likely is that they are in the phase where they start to get that they suck ("valley of despair"). But that's not a mental blockade induced by crippling fear like impostor syndrome is. Realizing you suck at something calls for _celebration_. The delusion is broken! There's only going to be improvement!
        Apocryphon 4y ago
        On one hand, there seems to be a society-wide stress engendered by the global events of the last several years, which could explain more and more people have anxiety about many things, including themselves. On the other, sure, when a concept such as impostor syndrome becomes widespread, more people are going to try to weigh themselves against it, and try to appear on the "right side" of it. Thus, in almost in a humblebrag manner, dismiss flaws as self-doubt or lack of confidence. > The delusion is broken! There's only going to be improvement! Not everyone has the same productive inner critic. Some people can be self-critical to the point of paralysis, to the extent of wallowing doubt. To self-loathing and absolute defeatism. Look at the increases in mental illness, addiction, and worse in society. Some inner critics kill, whether a person's potential, or their actual life. Now, the OP uses a generic one-size-fits-all, vapidly positive self-help soothing solution, which might not help a lot of people. And so it becomes easy to dismiss, and to dismiss impostor syndrome as simply an excuse. But I'm just reminding you that not everyone is able to step up to challenges in the same way. Not everyone has a healthy growth mindset to overcome one's mental blockades. Some do lose themselves in the valley of despair, and could benefit from self-affirmation. Maybe just not the basic content-written approach in the OP.
  - shrimp_emoji 4y ago
    My experience is the opposite. The less I take myself seriously, the more I apply self-compassion, and the less I let my performance/failures define my sense of self, the happier and less stressed I am. I discovered this by accident. I used to be the opposite: my self-image used to be relatively inflated, and my sense of self was tightly integrated with external events. When those external events turned south hard enough to totally shatter my ego, it felt like my brain -- utterly against my will -- decided, "I guess we gotta let go of caring about stuff this hard." I ceased to be able to care as hard (seemingly permanently). I've been happier and chiller ever since. :p
    - throwaway98797 4y ago
      i got to the same point but i view it as self denial since i just basically ignore objective reality and assume i’m doing well even if evidence contradicts this people telling me i suck doesn’t bother me because i know their wrong i used to be hyper critical of myself now i don’t worry about it i am what i am
- tgaj 4y ago
  And what really mean to be "in the right place"? I think the idea is to stop thinking about the place you are right now, because that's the result of your earlier choices and you can't change that anyway. It is the "right place" for now. But you can start to think about what you can do to get to the place you want to be if there is one. Or maybe accept that life is not always about getting somewhere but about appreciate where you are, because life will never be perfect.
- doix 4y ago
  It's all about balance though, isn't it? Someone that doubts themselves to the point of never trying or doing anything, needs _something_ to get them out of that mode. Maybe they read this article and something resonates with them and they can make a change for the better. Likewise, there might be someone completely delusional that thinks they are gods gift to the world that can do no wrong. So the only reason they aren't more successful is bad luck or something. Reading this article and taking something from it would be counterproductive, they need to read something else to get out of that head space.
- egypturnash 4y ago
  This is magical advice; there's a huge body of work concerning the Law of Attraction and the power of regularly making positive statements. The most well-known book in this category is The Secret but it goes back to the early 1900s. Typically, any long-form writing in this category will spill some ink reminding you that shit happens a lot faster if you put some effort in, so you're definitely not wrong here.
- wpietri 4y ago
  Have you personally overcome imposter syndrome through this advice? Because it sounds to me like a theoretical take, not one that has been well tested. The people I know who are or have been overly self critical are not lacking in "objective facts". They have been damaged by dealing extensively with people who are overly critical, often to the point of emotional abuse. So they have problems with selecting which facts to focus on and how to weight them emotionally. These are often not conscious problems, and so getting out of them doesn't just require rational-mind realizations, but changing deep habits of thought. I also am very concerned about this, which I think is potentially harmful to some people, especially those struggling with self esteem: > For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better, and not content with how we are now. I think this could easily be read as meaning that aspiration is a precondition of self love. For people who have been told from their earliest memories that they are inadequate, tying self-love to self-improvement puts them on a treadmill that never stops. Love does not require improvement or perfection.
  - five82 4y ago
    As someone who’s dealt with emotional abuse, this really struck a chord. You can see and understand the objective facts. But it’s very hard to accept positive reinforcement emotionally. You don’t believe it’s genuine.
  - jkingsbery 4y ago
    > Have you personally overcome imposter syndrome through this advice? Yes, this is personally what I do. > I think this could easily be read as meaning that aspiration is a precondition of self love. I suppose I could have been more clear. Aspirations need not be professional, they could be moral, relationship based, experiential, etc. You're right that if we say "I can only love myself when I'm better" means you never will be happy with yourself, and that's not what I'm trying to say. But one of my favorite definitions of the word "love" is to will and act for the good of someone - and if you aren't doing something to make yourself or your life better in some way, then you are not acting with love to yourself. On the flip side, saying "Yeah, everything is great" is not actually making things better (and at the same time, neither is saying "everything is horrible").
- circlefavshape 4y ago
  > For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better, and not content with how we are now. That is not love. Does loving your wife mean not being content with how she is now, and aspiring for her to be better? It does not
  - mkmk3 4y ago
    Does it not? Try framing it more charitably. Someone suffers or will suffer or simply misses out on something you know theyd greatly appreciate because of their behaviour, if you love them will you ignore it? Or will you, while showing respect, endeavour to prompt or support their changing? I think there are good and bad ways to express this, and I think the feeling itself isnt intuitive.
- ericmcer 4y ago
  This viewpoint implies that everyone successful achieves it through merit. I think a ton of people achieve success just through insane confidence. Look at something like Scientology. It is just one insanely confident man willing an entire religion into existence and holding it all together with his own over-confidence. I hate cults but they are an example of how delusion levels of self-confidence can bring things into existence that make no logical sense.
  - agentwiggles 4y ago
    Look at Trump, or DJ Khaled, for a similar (and, for me, rather annoying) lesson.
  - stcroixx 4y ago
    Lacking the merit, I'd consider this to be arrogance rather than confidence. One is based in reality, one is just wishful thinking. Granted, most people can't tell the difference looking at someone whose background they are not familiar with.
drlolz 4y ago
knowing oneself is hard but rewarding work and for me requires self-doubt and criticism and the action that comes out of that, it’s a non-terminating cycle. sometimes peace and joy are involved, many times not. some of these affirmations could be useful, but I’ve always had issues with this overly gentle and kind of self-delusional approach. The road to self-actualization is not opened up by repeatedly telling yourself that what you wish were true is true. who is this stuff actually targeted at?
bsenftner 4y ago
This line of reasoning has been formalized by the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy school of psychology. Read "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns to learn how professionals who have made issues such as the nature and quality of one's self conversation their entire career focus. That book and these professionals have significantly higher quality information than this blog post.
tzs 4y ago
I've been going with yelling "Silenzio, Bruno!" [1]. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=754u7BL1Tkk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=754u7BL1Tkk
danparsonson 4y ago
So... what if your inner critic doesn't believe any of the affirmations?
- smugglerFlynn 4y ago
  In modern therapy it is considered[0] that at least some of the inner critic issues are responses to past traumatic events and emotional trauma. It tries to help you avoid doing something that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe mechanism. Perfectionism, avoidance and other problems often have very traceable roots in the past, and there are therapy tools like EMDR[1] that help to fix or mitigate the root causes. In my experience, it is not really possible to fix serious emotional trauma with affirmations, and deeper emotional work is required to start seeing your inner critic (and other trauma symptoms) shrink. The best way to start working on such problems as inner critic is to find a licensed mental health specialist. 0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and similar research on CPTSD 1 - https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/17/emdr-and-trauma-what-you-need-to-know/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/17/emdr-and-trauma-what-...
  - sverona 4y ago
    Pete Walker writes good books, but sometimes I find his prescription of out-fighting the critic counterproductive. I observe that the voice of certain unproductive thoughts I have is more like a wounded child than a critical adult. It says "Why even try?" sadly rather than mockingly. Fighting it makes this worse. It needs love and cuddles.
    - smugglerFlynn 4y ago
      That was my experience as well. I am not a big fan of his 13 step flashback management process, or some of the other strategies, as they never worked effectively for me, but in my opinion he does an excellent job to map the battlefield, establishing causes and effects. His book is a good starting point, along with two other classics[0][1], but it is also rather old (10 years this year!), with more strategies and research done on top of it by other psychologists since then. [0] Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/01... [1] Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C/ https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emot...
bikeformind 4y ago
Harsh truth. You don’t become confident by standing in the mirror shouting positive affirmations at yourself. You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence you are who you say you are.
- pjmorris 4y ago
  > You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence you are who you say you are. Yes... and also failing and learning how to take care of yourself, rethink things, and make new plans after you do.
- redeux 4y ago
  I think for some people it takes both. I’ve been successful in my work over the past decade, but no matter how many awards, how much recognition, or how much money I received, I always struggled with a negative inner voice telling me I was worthless, not living up to my potential, and that people didn’t like me. It was only after I started combatting these thoughts with daily affirmations that the voice turned around, and I recognized when I was feeding myself negative thoughts.
- allisdust 4y ago
  Or may be by realising that there is always someone at top and someone below you in everything. And hopefully that will reduce the urge to be at top of everything and that results in compassion towards one's own self.
  - TrainedMonkey 4y ago
    Or maybe everyone has a different path in life.
    - maerF0x0 4y ago
      and yet certain things work for strangely large percentages of people. And yet the classics have found a certain "Human experience" .
ortusdux 4y ago
“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ― Ira Glass
- usrnm 4y ago
  > All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste Or because it is a relatively simple white collar job that pays crazy money. Which is more likely?
  - foundart 4y ago
    My understanding is that creative work pays little unless your work is very popular. See for example the distribution of royalties for music streaming or for authors of books. Given this low likelihood of monetary gain it seems unlikely the money is a primary motivator.
  - libraryatnight 4y ago
    Making a living off ones art isn't easy. It's hard work generally just polishing the skill to a point people might appreciate it enough to pay for it in some way - then starts the hard work of getting people to watch, listen, look, etc. If you manage that without some stroke of serious luck it can be years to build a sufficient base that a high enough percentage of them buy something every release or whatever your output is. Like the quote says, a lot of people quit. A lot that don't quit don't make it either, and the lucky among them end up sort of art adjacent. You aren't the host, but you're a writer, you're not a rock star but after your band fell apart you ended up doing sound and lights at a venue you frequented, you're not Ira Glass but you're a producer or editor.
sherilm 4y ago
The irony of affirmations: Why do I have to remind myself of being something, if I am already that? In effect, I am reminding myself of that which I am not.
- rednerrus 4y ago
  Your inner dialog is a liar.
- nequo 4y ago
  Your mind is not infallible. It’s like when you’re searching for your glasses and you realize that you’re wearing them, or when you’re looking for your car keys and realize that you’re holding them.
- _fat_santa 4y ago
  I wonder if there is a gender gap here when it come to self talk. Most articles I've read about affirmations are usually written by women. For me as a man I just don't identify with things like: "you are enough", my self talk is usually some expletive ridden tirade about what I'm doing wrong.
  - dv35z 4y ago
    Your inner voice is essentially how you parent your inner child You. Imagine that 10 year old You was standing in front of adult you right now. Would you still use expletives etc? We ought to learn from 5th grade teachers on how to talk to kids - encouragement, “could” vs “should”, avoiding harsh criticism. Affirmations work because it’s giving deliberate encouragement/praise to our inner child selves. Saying things out out & hearing them is “special” to our brain. Deliberately using emotion (rather than saying it dryly & rote) is effective. Music can help.
  - nequo 4y ago
    > my self talk is usually some expletive ridden tirade Dan Harris gave a short talk about how alien self-love practices felt to him, having lived with similarly harsh self-talk. It’s entertaining and it might resonate with you too: https://youtu.be/NuhIzO57HVk https://youtu.be/NuhIzO57HVk
awill88 4y ago
I’m so mad at this article lol, like so much “no shit” going on. My critic is a total asshole! “Typically it’s good to have a couple affirmations that work for you“ — “work for you” — so simple! Duh!
circlefavshape 4y ago
I'm one of those lucky people with high self-esteem. I see myself as smart and creative and likeable and good and, honestly, even nice to look at. I think I got to be this way by growing up in a very loving household, but I think how I maintain it in the face of my regular missteps and fuckups is by not judging myself (or anyone, really) based on achievement or success. Millions of very smart people have been spectacularly wrong. Millions of creative people have no audience. Some people who I like very much are unpopular or have very few friends. I've known very beautiful people who have been very unlucky in love.
- worldsayshi 4y ago
  I'd love to see a debate between your viewpoint and that of MauranKilom in the thread. I think I'm kind of stuck between your two perspectives and I'm not sure I really understand your perspective while I feel like MauranKilom's is my default.
  - circlefavshape 4y ago
    Haha well I'm happy to take that up ... @MauranKilom ?
prhn 4y ago
I'm sorry, I don't like this one bit. > I love and accept myself, exactly as I am. > I am enough. I have enough. > I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. How the hell are you supposed to assess and improve on the infinite dimensions of yourself when this is your inner monologue?
- matt-attack 4y ago
  Exactly my thoughts. "I love and accept myself, exactly as I am." seems like an entirely defeatist attitude, and one that completely discounts the idea of self-improvement.
  - jetbooster 4y ago
    I think the mantras above might be important for a person who struggles with criticising things they can't change about themselves, height, beauty, hair loss, age, that sort of thing. I agree that it comes across defeatist using these mantras in relation to things you can change, like skills, outlook, fitness, number and/or quality of relationships.
    - matt-attack 4y ago
      Great distinction. I agree 100%.
  - gilmore606 4y ago
    Squaring the circle here: I love and accept myself right now, with all the flaws I know I have. I'm trying to improve, but who knows what I will and won't ultimately fix. Maybe this old lump of coal never will be a diamond. But I'm not going to wait til I've climbed the asymptote to start loving myself, I can just love the self I'm stuck with here and now.
- _fat_santa 4y ago
  I like the idea, but I'm also not a fan how they phrase it. For me I have two voices in my head. One is the nice voice telling me the affirmations, the other is a very harsh voice telling me that I still have work to do. It's a balancing act and you can't just listen to one voice.
rqtwteye 4y ago
Affirmations may work for some but for me they were useless or probably negative. After reading "Think and Grow Rich" I did morning affirmations every day. I never felt anything positive from them but actually felt more and more like a fraud because I was constantly repeating stuff that wasn't true. And nothing ever changed. Like all other self-help, give it a try and see how it works for you.We have vastly different personalities and life experience so don't expect that a thing that works for one person will work for everybody.
FailMore 4y ago
Affirmations do not work. Mental health is mechanical. Most anxiety and suffering within mental health are second order effects from unconscious fears that we have about behaviours we feel are risky to take. For example, if you grow up in a household where your personal distress causes distress in others, you will hide your own personal distress and attempt to appear good all of the time. You will have high levels of anxiety in situations in which you might have to admit distress/dissatisfaction/not be a happy person that makes everyone else happy. To improve mental health, more behaviours on the spectrum of all possible behaviours need to become calmly accessible. This allows the brain to be calmer in a wider range of situations; previously a situation that might cause distress might have been avoided/cause a spike in anxiety, now the situation can be faced calmly and the newly integrated behaviour allows the individual to say "sorry, I'm finding this too stressful, I need to stop". Everyone typically has their own unique combination of behaviours which are not easily accessible. In my personal therapy I found that my dreams were a useful way of diagnosing what behaviours I was not comfortable with. I got very interested in this and ultimately completed a Masters in Psychology to write a paper on the topic based on the underlying neurology that occurs during REM sleep. The paper can be read here: https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz It was discussed on HN here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19143590 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19143590
- iamsanteri 4y ago
  Can you explain more about your line of reasoning and thinking? Any good sources you know about discussing exactly such ideas and details? Thank you!
  - FailMore 4y ago
    Not massively. The theory within psychotherapy is quite messy at the moment. It's one of the reasons I'm training to be one. Why Love Matters is a good book though. I also made a long YT video explaining my theory, but it was a long time ago and I haven't watched it in a long time so I can't remember precisely what I was thinking at the time. I think it explains most of the concepts well enough though. It's here if you want to watch it: https://youtu.be/iPPNxc7nApY https://youtu.be/iPPNxc7nApY
gumptionary 4y ago
Sure, identifying your inner critic is important, but there are far better strategies for overcoming it than just saying nice things to yourself. The best I've found on the subject is Steven Pressfield's The War of Art https://blackirishbooks.com/product/the-war-of-art/ https://blackirishbooks.com/product/the-war-of-art/
MauranKilom 4y ago
If your inner critic is critical to the point of being debilitating, the advice in the article may be helpful. But I'd be careful of trying to silence it. Recently, I was made to look from afar on what I've accomplished at $WORK and even my inner critic had to agree that it's been a real success story. Paradoxically, this really killed my drive for a while. "I don't have to prove myself, to the company or myself. Colleagues and management are glad to have me around." Ironically (and thankfully) this resting on my laurels of course brought the critic right back. So while I do like feeling 100% confident in myself and my skills, a healthy (!) dose of self-doubt is also necessary for me to stay humble and keep pushing myself. And this is true outside of work just the same. Naturally, this need not apply to anyone else. But as positive as "being happy with yourself/your work/your lifestyle" sounds, it also risks removing the gradient toward improving your behavior/skills/situation. Or, put another way (in the spirit of TSAONGAF): You will always have problems, but maybe wrestling with your inner critic is a good problem to have.
- bee_rider 4y ago
  It should be OK to rest on your laurels a little bit after a big win. When your ancient caveman ancestors killed a mammoth, everybody in the tribe chilled out for a couple days afterwards I bet.
- halfnormalform 4y ago
  It sounds like you had a case of Victory Disease. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victory_disease https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victory_disease
maerF0x0 4y ago
Many of the critiques of this piece are well spoken to by Dr. Jordan Peterson when he says it can be quite troubling to a person who senses things are not right in their lives when we say things like "You're ok", "Don't be so critical" (ie call this situation "good") . etc. And he mentions it can be quite distressing because if now is "good" then a) what hope is there? They're experiencing suffering/distress and we've now told them to just suffer it (and now in silence). and b) it disarms the one true lever we have in life, thoughtful action. and often people who are hypercritical are paralyzed by self-doubt/fear/perfectionism. I think he has a point. Maybe affirmations do not work, but some of the sentiment behind them could be powerful. "You have a sufficient plan to move forward, and you're a sufficient person to take those first steps".
paulpauper 4y ago
I don't think imposter syndrome is real, or I think it's overstated. I think most people are good at ascertaining their competence or lack thereof. If you take a math class, for example, I think it's reasonable to assume that one can reliably ascertain their knowledge of the material by exam or homework performance. If you can follow along with the lectures and do the problems, then you are competent, no?
- Doxin 4y ago
  In my experience impostor syndrome is mostly a mismatch between thinking and feeling. E.g. I know I'm a competent programmer, probably even a good one. I still feel like I'm going to get fired for gross incompetence on a semi-regular basis though.
SillyUsername 4y ago
Probably worth mentioning there's a trojan on this site.
smugglerFlynn 4y ago
I find it worrying that most comments seem to follow gut feeling and common sense when dealing with psychological issues like that, instead of relying on therapy and research. If inner critic gives you real trouble, the best way, by far, is to start working on such problems with a licensed mental health specialist. Second best way is to catch up on modern research in psychology and psychotherapy. (I'm generalising below with most important knowledge I have on the topic based on my replies to other comments.) In modern therapy it is considered that at least some of the inner critic issues are responses to past traumatic events and emotional trauma. It tries to help you avoid doing something that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe mechanism. Possible root causes might include: - Complex PTSD [0][1] - Childhood emotional neglect [2] - Traumatic stress [3] - Style of your upbringing and some other issues from the past, including learned responses to life stresses [4] Sources referenced above are very useful in 'debugging' yourself, are widely known, and are written by psychologists. This knowledge is in part a modern (last decade) evolution of older Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ideas[5] from the 1980s. OP article describes typical CBT strategy. CBT, while being helpful to manage critic-related problems, rarely addresses any of the underlying root causes. If you don't want to dig deep into root causes, I want to explicitly highlight [4] as it does a great way of summarising core CBT and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) ideas, and helps to address the critic issue directly via many actionable strategies. 0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and similar research on CPTSD 1 - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHI... 2 - Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C/ https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emot... 3 - Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/01... 4 - Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining-ebook/dp/B01CFGRH6Q/ https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Asse... 5 - Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380...
- 4y ago
ly3xqhl8g9 4y ago
This kind of articles have weak metaphysical grounding, that's why there's room for so many "yes, but"s after them: "be yourself" <=> yes, but not if you are a blonde depressed suicidal addict. Consider the first sentence, a rhetorical question: "Have you ever doubted yourself?"—who is this you so promptly assumed. If giving advice meant to impact the entire present and future life of an agent, one should at least wrestle a bit with the plethora of concepts taken for granted, unless one is writing another Dictionary of Received Ideas [1]. In this aspect, you doubting you, perhaps the perspective from Jeff Hawkins' A Thousand Brains: A New Theory of Intelligence is more luminating: of course you would doubt yourself because in actuality there is a you_1 who doubts you_2 and currently you_1 is overpowering you_2 in the vote of all the other yous. Maybe you don't have an inner critic, maybe you have 999 inner critics. In this light, a question such as "have you ever doubted yourself" would look more like "why is the current you still the dominant aspect, still winning the vote of all the other yous, of who/how you could be in the space of all the yous". [1] "Metaphysics. Laugh it to scorn: proof of your superior intellect." https://archive.org/details/gustave-flaubert-dictionary-of-accepted-ideas-barzun/page/n47/mode/2up https://archive.org/details/gustave-flaubert-dictionary-of-a...
Barrin92 4y ago
every time I hear the word "affirmations" I have to think of this Mr Robot scene[1]. There's something truly Patrick Bateman like about this self-talk that seems like it comes straight out of some business self-help book. I think this kind of stuff isn't really helpful. For one self-doubt may very well be correct given the circumstances. It's not really sound to attempt to drown that out or not be your own critic. Even more importantly it gets people tangled up even more in their own thoughts. It may be a trite insight at this point but you aren't your own thoughts. You can just listen to them without immediately being caught up in them. If you can deliberate or act on things without being too caught up what your 'inner voice' is telling you at any given moment, that's a much more solid foundation than repeating weird chants to yourself. [1]https://youtu.be/a8qbJraveSI https://youtu.be/a8qbJraveSI
dqpb 4y ago
> Affirmations are a powerful and proven tool to calm your inner critic and increase self-compassion. Instead, I recommend reading (or listening to) Kid Confidence by Eileen Kennedy-Moore. It's applicable to adults and to ones own self. Here is a paraphrased excerpt: --- Address your fundamental needs for connection, competence, and choice. When these needs are met, you'll be less preoccupied with evaluating yourself and questioning your worth. Connection: Build meaningful relationships with family and friends. This is how you'll feel known, accepted, and valued by others. Also, spending time with people you care about will give you more interesting things to think about than your own self-worth. Competence: Gain real skills so you can do things that matter to you. To feel competent you have to have genuine competence. Learn how to learn, so you can grown your own competence and unblock yourself when you are stuck. Choice: Figure out what matters to you so you can make decisions that are in line with your values. Embrace opportunities to make your own meaningful choices. --- Based on personal experience, I believe this is the right framework for real self-improvement. Your inner critic is there for a reason. Respect it and become a person it can be proud of. Affirmations and other popular self-help techniques are mostly bullshit. Also, it's interesting to note that if you inverse the above advice, you basically have the classical framework for running a cult.
vlod 4y ago
I dunno, maybe my brain is wired differently but this sounds like fluff. Maybe I've been fortunate that growing up, I've had stoic figures in my life and through their beliefs/actions solved problems through grit and hard work. I struggle to understand if people live their lives by looking themselves in a mirror and saying positive mantras and hoping that one day they will see themselves this way. I thought this was just the lore of movies. If a voice (myself or a anyone else) said "I love and accept myself, exactly as I am/I love my well lived-in body" and would suspect it was trying to trick me somehow/pulling my leg and I would laugh and tell it/them to F-off. I think my critical voice has gone from inwards to outwards. It doesn't say "You suck and you're an imposter", because it's been distracted by the so many examples of other people being so much more incompetent and lacking basic critical thinking skills, that even if I'm a complete screw up, I'm not that bad. e.g. lack of basic financial understanding, solving problems, tribal voting. I think I've come to realize if I want to fix certain things about me, that I've chosen (at this point in time) not to do it and to move on, but that I can revisit and try and fix it in the future.
haihaibye 4y ago
Inner critic can also chill via the famous advice: "write drunk, edit sober"
ygmelnikova 4y ago
[dead]

127 points by ktzn 4y ago

kayo_20211030 4y ago

I'll never get back the two minutes it took me to read this rubbish.

ktzn 4y ago
Dang I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m kind of new around here so finding my way around and just thought it was interesting.

jkingsbery 4y ago

Some of this seems like bad advice. Imposter syndrome is a real thing, and it's certainly possible to be overly self-critical. But plenty of people aren't "in the right place," and aren't "doing the right thing." People only get "stronger, smarter, ... and more productive" through intentional self-development, not by wishful thinking. For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better, and not content with how we are now. Telling yourself you're worse than you are isn't healthy, but neither is it healthy to tell yourself that you're better than you are. I would advise someone to overcome imposter syndrome by anchoring in objective facts about reality.

throwaway98797 4y ago
an inflated self image seems to be associated with happier less stressed people i found that the more delusional i get myself, the happier i am. maybe bad long term but feel better than seeing the “truth”, whatever that is anyways
- Jensson 4y ago
  Yeah, which is why people tell themselves that their self doubt is just "impostor syndrome", there is no way they actually are bad its just them underestimating themselves! We all know how research shows how humans usually underestimates their own capabilities, right??? But I guess if that makes them happy why not. But it gets old quick when everyone says they have impostor syndrome.
  - Apocryphon 4y ago
    Well, the people who have Dunning-Kruger don’t have impostor syndrome. Wonder what the ratio is between the two, and the distribution.
    - dgb23 4y ago
      Nobody seems to be incompetent at anything anymore, but weirdly enough everyone has impostor syndrome now. For me, the nagging, head spinning inner critic that doesn't leave me alone is a major driver for curiosity, learning, creativity and general improvement. Impostor syndrome is when there's clear evidence that you're successful and competent but you still don't believe it and you are _afraid_ that this is uncovered. It is an irrational fear and a brutal delusion. It's one of those where you can get presented objective evidence that the fear is unwarranted but you still can't get rid of it. I never had impostor syndrome, but I can relate to those types of fears and mental challenges. It's very hard work to clear these types of things up. You don't even want to talk about it. People who suck at something do not have impostor syndrome, by definition. What is much more likely is that they are in the phase where they start to get that they suck ("valley of despair"). But that's not a mental blockade induced by crippling fear like impostor syndrome is. Realizing you suck at something calls for _celebration_. The delusion is broken! There's only going to be improvement!
      - Apocryphon 4y ago
        On one hand, there seems to be a society-wide stress engendered by the global events of the last several years, which could explain more and more people have anxiety about many things, including themselves. On the other, sure, when a concept such as impostor syndrome becomes widespread, more people are going to try to weigh themselves against it, and try to appear on the "right side" of it. Thus, in almost in a humblebrag manner, dismiss flaws as self-doubt or lack of confidence. > The delusion is broken! There's only going to be improvement! Not everyone has the same productive inner critic. Some people can be self-critical to the point of paralysis, to the extent of wallowing doubt. To self-loathing and absolute defeatism. Look at the increases in mental illness, addiction, and worse in society. Some inner critics kill, whether a person's potential, or their actual life. Now, the OP uses a generic one-size-fits-all, vapidly positive self-help soothing solution, which might not help a lot of people. And so it becomes easy to dismiss, and to dismiss impostor syndrome as simply an excuse. But I'm just reminding you that not everyone is able to step up to challenges in the same way. Not everyone has a healthy growth mindset to overcome one's mental blockades. Some do lose themselves in the valley of despair, and could benefit from self-affirmation. Maybe just not the basic content-written approach in the OP.
- shrimp_emoji 4y ago
  My experience is the opposite. The less I take myself seriously, the more I apply self-compassion, and the less I let my performance/failures define my sense of self, the happier and less stressed I am. I discovered this by accident. I used to be the opposite: my self-image used to be relatively inflated, and my sense of self was tightly integrated with external events. When those external events turned south hard enough to totally shatter my ego, it felt like my brain -- utterly against my will -- decided, "I guess we gotta let go of caring about stuff this hard." I ceased to be able to care as hard (seemingly permanently). I've been happier and chiller ever since. :p
  - throwaway98797 4y ago
    i got to the same point but i view it as self denial since i just basically ignore objective reality and assume i’m doing well even if evidence contradicts this people telling me i suck doesn’t bother me because i know their wrong i used to be hyper critical of myself now i don’t worry about it i am what i am
tgaj 4y ago
And what really mean to be "in the right place"? I think the idea is to stop thinking about the place you are right now, because that's the result of your earlier choices and you can't change that anyway. It is the "right place" for now. But you can start to think about what you can do to get to the place you want to be if there is one. Or maybe accept that life is not always about getting somewhere but about appreciate where you are, because life will never be perfect.
doix 4y ago
It's all about balance though, isn't it? Someone that doubts themselves to the point of never trying or doing anything, needs _something_ to get them out of that mode. Maybe they read this article and something resonates with them and they can make a change for the better. Likewise, there might be someone completely delusional that thinks they are gods gift to the world that can do no wrong. So the only reason they aren't more successful is bad luck or something. Reading this article and taking something from it would be counterproductive, they need to read something else to get out of that head space.
egypturnash 4y ago
This is magical advice; there's a huge body of work concerning the Law of Attraction and the power of regularly making positive statements. The most well-known book in this category is The Secret but it goes back to the early 1900s. Typically, any long-form writing in this category will spill some ink reminding you that shit happens a lot faster if you put some effort in, so you're definitely not wrong here.
wpietri 4y ago
Have you personally overcome imposter syndrome through this advice? Because it sounds to me like a theoretical take, not one that has been well tested. The people I know who are or have been overly self critical are not lacking in "objective facts". They have been damaged by dealing extensively with people who are overly critical, often to the point of emotional abuse. So they have problems with selecting which facts to focus on and how to weight them emotionally. These are often not conscious problems, and so getting out of them doesn't just require rational-mind realizations, but changing deep habits of thought. I also am very concerned about this, which I think is potentially harmful to some people, especially those struggling with self esteem: > For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better, and not content with how we are now. I think this could easily be read as meaning that aspiration is a precondition of self love. For people who have been told from their earliest memories that they are inadequate, tying self-love to self-improvement puts them on a treadmill that never stops. Love does not require improvement or perfection.
- five82 4y ago
  As someone who’s dealt with emotional abuse, this really struck a chord. You can see and understand the objective facts. But it’s very hard to accept positive reinforcement emotionally. You don’t believe it’s genuine.
- jkingsbery 4y ago
  > Have you personally overcome imposter syndrome through this advice? Yes, this is personally what I do. > I think this could easily be read as meaning that aspiration is a precondition of self love. I suppose I could have been more clear. Aspirations need not be professional, they could be moral, relationship based, experiential, etc. You're right that if we say "I can only love myself when I'm better" means you never will be happy with yourself, and that's not what I'm trying to say. But one of my favorite definitions of the word "love" is to will and act for the good of someone - and if you aren't doing something to make yourself or your life better in some way, then you are not acting with love to yourself. On the flip side, saying "Yeah, everything is great" is not actually making things better (and at the same time, neither is saying "everything is horrible").
circlefavshape 4y ago
> For most of us, to love ourselves means we should be aspiring to something better, and not content with how we are now. That is not love. Does loving your wife mean not being content with how she is now, and aspiring for her to be better? It does not
- mkmk3 4y ago
  Does it not? Try framing it more charitably. Someone suffers or will suffer or simply misses out on something you know theyd greatly appreciate because of their behaviour, if you love them will you ignore it? Or will you, while showing respect, endeavour to prompt or support their changing? I think there are good and bad ways to express this, and I think the feeling itself isnt intuitive.
ericmcer 4y ago
This viewpoint implies that everyone successful achieves it through merit. I think a ton of people achieve success just through insane confidence. Look at something like Scientology. It is just one insanely confident man willing an entire religion into existence and holding it all together with his own over-confidence. I hate cults but they are an example of how delusion levels of self-confidence can bring things into existence that make no logical sense.
- agentwiggles 4y ago
  Look at Trump, or DJ Khaled, for a similar (and, for me, rather annoying) lesson.
- stcroixx 4y ago
  Lacking the merit, I'd consider this to be arrogance rather than confidence. One is based in reality, one is just wishful thinking. Granted, most people can't tell the difference looking at someone whose background they are not familiar with.

drlolz 4y ago

knowing oneself is hard but rewarding work and for me requires self-doubt and criticism and the action that comes out of that, it’s a non-terminating cycle. sometimes peace and joy are involved, many times not. some of these affirmations could be useful, but I’ve always had issues with this overly gentle and kind of self-delusional approach. The road to self-actualization is not opened up by repeatedly telling yourself that what you wish were true is true. who is this stuff actually targeted at?

bsenftner 4y ago

This line of reasoning has been formalized by the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy school of psychology. Read "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns to learn how professionals who have made issues such as the nature and quality of one's self conversation their entire career focus. That book and these professionals have significantly higher quality information than this blog post.

tzs 4y ago

I've been going with yelling "Silenzio, Bruno!" [1]. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=754u7BL1Tkk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=754u7BL1Tkk

danparsonson 4y ago

So... what if your inner critic doesn't believe any of the affirmations?

smugglerFlynn 4y ago
In modern therapy it is considered[0] that at least some of the inner critic issues are responses to past traumatic events and emotional trauma. It tries to help you avoid doing something that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe mechanism. Perfectionism, avoidance and other problems often have very traceable roots in the past, and there are therapy tools like EMDR[1] that help to fix or mitigate the root causes. In my experience, it is not really possible to fix serious emotional trauma with affirmations, and deeper emotional work is required to start seeing your inner critic (and other trauma symptoms) shrink. The best way to start working on such problems as inner critic is to find a licensed mental health specialist. 0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and similar research on CPTSD 1 - https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/17/emdr-and-trauma-what-you-need-to-know/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/17/emdr-and-trauma-what-...
- sverona 4y ago
  Pete Walker writes good books, but sometimes I find his prescription of out-fighting the critic counterproductive. I observe that the voice of certain unproductive thoughts I have is more like a wounded child than a critical adult. It says "Why even try?" sadly rather than mockingly. Fighting it makes this worse. It needs love and cuddles.
  - smugglerFlynn 4y ago
    That was my experience as well. I am not a big fan of his 13 step flashback management process, or some of the other strategies, as they never worked effectively for me, but in my opinion he does an excellent job to map the battlefield, establishing causes and effects. His book is a good starting point, along with two other classics[0][1], but it is also rather old (10 years this year!), with more strategies and research done on top of it by other psychologists since then. [0] Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/01... [1] Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C/ https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emot...

bikeformind 4y ago

Harsh truth. You don’t become confident by standing in the mirror shouting positive affirmations at yourself. You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence you are who you say you are.

pjmorris 4y ago
> You become confident by taking on challenges, repeatedly coming out on top, and providing your brain undeniable evidence you are who you say you are. Yes... and also failing and learning how to take care of yourself, rethink things, and make new plans after you do.
redeux 4y ago
I think for some people it takes both. I’ve been successful in my work over the past decade, but no matter how many awards, how much recognition, or how much money I received, I always struggled with a negative inner voice telling me I was worthless, not living up to my potential, and that people didn’t like me. It was only after I started combatting these thoughts with daily affirmations that the voice turned around, and I recognized when I was feeding myself negative thoughts.
allisdust 4y ago
Or may be by realising that there is always someone at top and someone below you in everything. And hopefully that will reduce the urge to be at top of everything and that results in compassion towards one's own self.
- TrainedMonkey 4y ago
  Or maybe everyone has a different path in life.
  - maerF0x0 4y ago
    and yet certain things work for strangely large percentages of people. And yet the classics have found a certain "Human experience" .

ortusdux 4y ago

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ― Ira Glass

usrnm 4y ago
> All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste Or because it is a relatively simple white collar job that pays crazy money. Which is more likely?
- foundart 4y ago
  My understanding is that creative work pays little unless your work is very popular. See for example the distribution of royalties for music streaming or for authors of books. Given this low likelihood of monetary gain it seems unlikely the money is a primary motivator.
- libraryatnight 4y ago
  Making a living off ones art isn't easy. It's hard work generally just polishing the skill to a point people might appreciate it enough to pay for it in some way - then starts the hard work of getting people to watch, listen, look, etc. If you manage that without some stroke of serious luck it can be years to build a sufficient base that a high enough percentage of them buy something every release or whatever your output is. Like the quote says, a lot of people quit. A lot that don't quit don't make it either, and the lucky among them end up sort of art adjacent. You aren't the host, but you're a writer, you're not a rock star but after your band fell apart you ended up doing sound and lights at a venue you frequented, you're not Ira Glass but you're a producer or editor.

sherilm 4y ago

The irony of affirmations: Why do I have to remind myself of being something, if I am already that? In effect, I am reminding myself of that which I am not.

rednerrus 4y ago
Your inner dialog is a liar.
nequo 4y ago
Your mind is not infallible. It’s like when you’re searching for your glasses and you realize that you’re wearing them, or when you’re looking for your car keys and realize that you’re holding them.
_fat_santa 4y ago
I wonder if there is a gender gap here when it come to self talk. Most articles I've read about affirmations are usually written by women. For me as a man I just don't identify with things like: "you are enough", my self talk is usually some expletive ridden tirade about what I'm doing wrong.
- dv35z 4y ago
  Your inner voice is essentially how you parent your inner child You. Imagine that 10 year old You was standing in front of adult you right now. Would you still use expletives etc? We ought to learn from 5th grade teachers on how to talk to kids - encouragement, “could” vs “should”, avoiding harsh criticism. Affirmations work because it’s giving deliberate encouragement/praise to our inner child selves. Saying things out out & hearing them is “special” to our brain. Deliberately using emotion (rather than saying it dryly & rote) is effective. Music can help.
- nequo 4y ago
  > my self talk is usually some expletive ridden tirade Dan Harris gave a short talk about how alien self-love practices felt to him, having lived with similarly harsh self-talk. It’s entertaining and it might resonate with you too: https://youtu.be/NuhIzO57HVk https://youtu.be/NuhIzO57HVk

awill88 4y ago

I’m so mad at this article lol, like so much “no shit” going on. My critic is a total asshole! “Typically it’s good to have a couple affirmations that work for you“ — “work for you” — so simple! Duh!

circlefavshape 4y ago

I'm one of those lucky people with high self-esteem. I see myself as smart and creative and likeable and good and, honestly, even nice to look at. I think I got to be this way by growing up in a very loving household, but I think how I maintain it in the face of my regular missteps and fuckups is by not judging myself (or anyone, really) based on achievement or success. Millions of very smart people have been spectacularly wrong. Millions of creative people have no audience. Some people who I like very much are unpopular or have very few friends. I've known very beautiful people who have been very unlucky in love.

worldsayshi 4y ago
I'd love to see a debate between your viewpoint and that of MauranKilom in the thread. I think I'm kind of stuck between your two perspectives and I'm not sure I really understand your perspective while I feel like MauranKilom's is my default.
- circlefavshape 4y ago
  Haha well I'm happy to take that up ... @MauranKilom ?

prhn 4y ago

I'm sorry, I don't like this one bit. > I love and accept myself, exactly as I am. > I am enough. I have enough. > I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing. How the hell are you supposed to assess and improve on the infinite dimensions of yourself when this is your inner monologue?

matt-attack 4y ago
Exactly my thoughts. "I love and accept myself, exactly as I am." seems like an entirely defeatist attitude, and one that completely discounts the idea of self-improvement.
- jetbooster 4y ago
  I think the mantras above might be important for a person who struggles with criticising things they can't change about themselves, height, beauty, hair loss, age, that sort of thing. I agree that it comes across defeatist using these mantras in relation to things you can change, like skills, outlook, fitness, number and/or quality of relationships.
  - matt-attack 4y ago
    Great distinction. I agree 100%.
- gilmore606 4y ago
  Squaring the circle here: I love and accept myself right now, with all the flaws I know I have. I'm trying to improve, but who knows what I will and won't ultimately fix. Maybe this old lump of coal never will be a diamond. But I'm not going to wait til I've climbed the asymptote to start loving myself, I can just love the self I'm stuck with here and now.
_fat_santa 4y ago
I like the idea, but I'm also not a fan how they phrase it. For me I have two voices in my head. One is the nice voice telling me the affirmations, the other is a very harsh voice telling me that I still have work to do. It's a balancing act and you can't just listen to one voice.

rqtwteye 4y ago

Affirmations may work for some but for me they were useless or probably negative. After reading "Think and Grow Rich" I did morning affirmations every day. I never felt anything positive from them but actually felt more and more like a fraud because I was constantly repeating stuff that wasn't true. And nothing ever changed. Like all other self-help, give it a try and see how it works for you.We have vastly different personalities and life experience so don't expect that a thing that works for one person will work for everybody.

FailMore 4y ago

Affirmations do not work. Mental health is mechanical. Most anxiety and suffering within mental health are second order effects from unconscious fears that we have about behaviours we feel are risky to take. For example, if you grow up in a household where your personal distress causes distress in others, you will hide your own personal distress and attempt to appear good all of the time. You will have high levels of anxiety in situations in which you might have to admit distress/dissatisfaction/not be a happy person that makes everyone else happy. To improve mental health, more behaviours on the spectrum of all possible behaviours need to become calmly accessible. This allows the brain to be calmer in a wider range of situations; previously a situation that might cause distress might have been avoided/cause a spike in anxiety, now the situation can be faced calmly and the newly integrated behaviour allows the individual to say "sorry, I'm finding this too stressful, I need to stop". Everyone typically has their own unique combination of behaviours which are not easily accessible. In my personal therapy I found that my dreams were a useful way of diagnosing what behaviours I was not comfortable with. I got very interested in this and ultimately completed a Masters in Psychology to write a paper on the topic based on the underlying neurology that occurs during REM sleep. The paper can be read here: https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz https://psyarxiv.com/k6trz It was discussed on HN here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19143590 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19143590

iamsanteri 4y ago
Can you explain more about your line of reasoning and thinking? Any good sources you know about discussing exactly such ideas and details? Thank you!
- FailMore 4y ago
  Not massively. The theory within psychotherapy is quite messy at the moment. It's one of the reasons I'm training to be one. Why Love Matters is a good book though. I also made a long YT video explaining my theory, but it was a long time ago and I haven't watched it in a long time so I can't remember precisely what I was thinking at the time. I think it explains most of the concepts well enough though. It's here if you want to watch it: https://youtu.be/iPPNxc7nApY https://youtu.be/iPPNxc7nApY

gumptionary 4y ago

Sure, identifying your inner critic is important, but there are far better strategies for overcoming it than just saying nice things to yourself. The best I've found on the subject is Steven Pressfield's The War of Art https://blackirishbooks.com/product/the-war-of-art/ https://blackirishbooks.com/product/the-war-of-art/

MauranKilom 4y ago

If your inner critic is critical to the point of being debilitating, the advice in the article may be helpful. But I'd be careful of trying to silence it. Recently, I was made to look from afar on what I've accomplished at $WORK and even my inner critic had to agree that it's been a real success story. Paradoxically, this really killed my drive for a while. "I don't have to prove myself, to the company or myself. Colleagues and management are glad to have me around." Ironically (and thankfully) this resting on my laurels of course brought the critic right back. So while I do like feeling 100% confident in myself and my skills, a healthy (!) dose of self-doubt is also necessary for me to stay humble and keep pushing myself. And this is true outside of work just the same. Naturally, this need not apply to anyone else. But as positive as "being happy with yourself/your work/your lifestyle" sounds, it also risks removing the gradient toward improving your behavior/skills/situation. Or, put another way (in the spirit of TSAONGAF): You will always have problems, but maybe wrestling with your inner critic is a good problem to have.

bee_rider 4y ago
It should be OK to rest on your laurels a little bit after a big win. When your ancient caveman ancestors killed a mammoth, everybody in the tribe chilled out for a couple days afterwards I bet.
halfnormalform 4y ago
It sounds like you had a case of Victory Disease. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victory_disease https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victory_disease

maerF0x0 4y ago

Many of the critiques of this piece are well spoken to by Dr. Jordan Peterson when he says it can be quite troubling to a person who senses things are not right in their lives when we say things like "You're ok", "Don't be so critical" (ie call this situation "good") . etc. And he mentions it can be quite distressing because if now is "good" then a) what hope is there? They're experiencing suffering/distress and we've now told them to just suffer it (and now in silence). and b) it disarms the one true lever we have in life, thoughtful action. and often people who are hypercritical are paralyzed by self-doubt/fear/perfectionism. I think he has a point. Maybe affirmations do not work, but some of the sentiment behind them could be powerful. "You have a sufficient plan to move forward, and you're a sufficient person to take those first steps".

paulpauper 4y ago

I don't think imposter syndrome is real, or I think it's overstated. I think most people are good at ascertaining their competence or lack thereof. If you take a math class, for example, I think it's reasonable to assume that one can reliably ascertain their knowledge of the material by exam or homework performance. If you can follow along with the lectures and do the problems, then you are competent, no?

Doxin 4y ago
In my experience impostor syndrome is mostly a mismatch between thinking and feeling. E.g. I know I'm a competent programmer, probably even a good one. I still feel like I'm going to get fired for gross incompetence on a semi-regular basis though.

SillyUsername 4y ago

Probably worth mentioning there's a trojan on this site.

smugglerFlynn 4y ago

I find it worrying that most comments seem to follow gut feeling and common sense when dealing with psychological issues like that, instead of relying on therapy and research. If inner critic gives you real trouble, the best way, by far, is to start working on such problems with a licensed mental health specialist. Second best way is to catch up on modern research in psychology and psychotherapy. (I'm generalising below with most important knowledge I have on the topic based on my replies to other comments.) In modern therapy it is considered that at least some of the inner critic issues are responses to past traumatic events and emotional trauma. It tries to help you avoid doing something that hurt you in the past, like a legacy broken failsafe mechanism. Possible root causes might include: - Complex PTSD [0][1] - Childhood emotional neglect [2] - Traumatic stress [3] - Style of your upbringing and some other issues from the past, including learned responses to life stresses [4] Sources referenced above are very useful in 'debugging' yourself, are widely known, and are written by psychologists. This knowledge is in part a modern (last decade) evolution of older Cognitive Behavioural Therapy ideas[5] from the 1980s. OP article describes typical CBT strategy. CBT, while being helpful to manage critic-related problems, rarely addresses any of the underlying root causes. If you don't want to dig deep into root causes, I want to explicitly highlight [4] as it does a great way of summarising core CBT and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) ideas, and helps to address the critic issue directly via many actionable strategies. 0 - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm and similar research on CPTSD 1 - Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHI... 2 - Running on Empty by Jonice Webb & Christine Musello https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emotional-ebook/dp/B009VJ4B4C/ https://www.amazon.com/Running-Empty-Overcome-Childhood-Emot... 3 - Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748 https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/01... 4 - Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining-ebook/dp/B01CFGRH6Q/ https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Asse... 5 - Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380...

4y ago

ly3xqhl8g9 4y ago

This kind of articles have weak metaphysical grounding, that's why there's room for so many "yes, but"s after them: "be yourself" <=> yes, but not if you are a blonde depressed suicidal addict. Consider the first sentence, a rhetorical question: "Have you ever doubted yourself?"—who is this you so promptly assumed. If giving advice meant to impact the entire present and future life of an agent, one should at least wrestle a bit with the plethora of concepts taken for granted, unless one is writing another Dictionary of Received Ideas [1]. In this aspect, you doubting you, perhaps the perspective from Jeff Hawkins' A Thousand Brains: A New Theory of Intelligence is more luminating: of course you would doubt yourself because in actuality there is a you_1 who doubts you_2 and currently you_1 is overpowering you_2 in the vote of all the other yous. Maybe you don't have an inner critic, maybe you have 999 inner critics. In this light, a question such as "have you ever doubted yourself" would look more like "why is the current you still the dominant aspect, still winning the vote of all the other yous, of who/how you could be in the space of all the yous". [1] "Metaphysics. Laugh it to scorn: proof of your superior intellect." https://archive.org/details/gustave-flaubert-dictionary-of-accepted-ideas-barzun/page/n47/mode/2up https://archive.org/details/gustave-flaubert-dictionary-of-a...

Barrin92 4y ago

every time I hear the word "affirmations" I have to think of this Mr Robot scene[1]. There's something truly Patrick Bateman like about this self-talk that seems like it comes straight out of some business self-help book. I think this kind of stuff isn't really helpful. For one self-doubt may very well be correct given the circumstances. It's not really sound to attempt to drown that out or not be your own critic. Even more importantly it gets people tangled up even more in their own thoughts. It may be a trite insight at this point but you aren't your own thoughts. You can just listen to them without immediately being caught up in them. If you can deliberate or act on things without being too caught up what your 'inner voice' is telling you at any given moment, that's a much more solid foundation than repeating weird chants to yourself. [1]https://youtu.be/a8qbJraveSI https://youtu.be/a8qbJraveSI

dqpb 4y ago

> Affirmations are a powerful and proven tool to calm your inner critic and increase self-compassion. Instead, I recommend reading (or listening to) Kid Confidence by Eileen Kennedy-Moore. It's applicable to adults and to ones own self. Here is a paraphrased excerpt: --- Address your fundamental needs for connection, competence, and choice. When these needs are met, you'll be less preoccupied with evaluating yourself and questioning your worth. Connection: Build meaningful relationships with family and friends. This is how you'll feel known, accepted, and valued by others. Also, spending time with people you care about will give you more interesting things to think about than your own self-worth. Competence: Gain real skills so you can do things that matter to you. To feel competent you have to have genuine competence. Learn how to learn, so you can grown your own competence and unblock yourself when you are stuck. Choice: Figure out what matters to you so you can make decisions that are in line with your values. Embrace opportunities to make your own meaningful choices. --- Based on personal experience, I believe this is the right framework for real self-improvement. Your inner critic is there for a reason. Respect it and become a person it can be proud of. Affirmations and other popular self-help techniques are mostly bullshit. Also, it's interesting to note that if you inverse the above advice, you basically have the classical framework for running a cult.

vlod 4y ago

I dunno, maybe my brain is wired differently but this sounds like fluff. Maybe I've been fortunate that growing up, I've had stoic figures in my life and through their beliefs/actions solved problems through grit and hard work. I struggle to understand if people live their lives by looking themselves in a mirror and saying positive mantras and hoping that one day they will see themselves this way. I thought this was just the lore of movies. If a voice (myself or a anyone else) said "I love and accept myself, exactly as I am/I love my well lived-in body" and would suspect it was trying to trick me somehow/pulling my leg and I would laugh and tell it/them to F-off. I think my critical voice has gone from inwards to outwards. It doesn't say "You suck and you're an imposter", because it's been distracted by the so many examples of other people being so much more incompetent and lacking basic critical thinking skills, that even if I'm a complete screw up, I'm not that bad. e.g. lack of basic financial understanding, solving problems, tribal voting. I think I've come to realize if I want to fix certain things about me, that I've chosen (at this point in time) not to do it and to move on, but that I can revisit and try and fix it in the future.

haihaibye 4y ago

Inner critic can also chill via the famous advice: "write drunk, edit sober"

ygmelnikova 4y ago

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