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You need to see a therapist. Your problem is largely on your outlook on where you are in life. This is not meant to be a buck up or shut up comment, it's just

• js8 4y ago
  I second that, I would suggest move to a larger city and get a job and therapist there (looks like the OP is from Germany, which I would personally prefer to US). And regarding to life goals, wife and kids in particular, although I have decided not to have a family, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think there are many single mothers out there who would appreciate a stable and solid partner with 2nd income.
  • rjzzleep 4y ago
    One thing to note is that while Germany is much better if you need social services, it's much easier to move between classes in the US. It's very hard to move up in German society without the right social circles which are also much more exclusive than in the US or London. That said, while therapy is one thing(and very hard to find someone that actually helps you out of your misery instead of reinforcing it), I'd maybe suggest creating a fixed schedule. Some basic cardio sports at a fixed time and day once a week(if that is too much once every two weeks). Ideally a group practice that gives some social pressure. It's much harder to get out a tough spot when you're alone. Maybe a beginner Capoeira class. No real requirement to socially engage if you don't want to, but warms your heart nonetheless. And maybe one usergroup of some sort once a month. No need to engage with people. Worst case, you just listen to some talks and get free Pizza. One thing that's very important in Germany when getting help is to never EVER say that you have suicidal thoughts. The moment you do that you slide into a bracket out of the social system that you can never get out of on your own. Any doctor or psychologist may now force you to take medication or put you in the asylum whenever they chose.
    • bowsamic 4y ago
      Is therapy better in Germany? I live in Hamburg and the waiting list is more than a year for therapy. I was under the impression that it is somewhat faster in the US When I lived in the UK they wouldn’t offer me even a waiting list
      • PaulRobinson 4y ago
        Go private if you can afford it. NHS therapy in the U.K. is basically impossible to get for most people, but there are many, many good professional therapists charging £40-£60/hour. Once a week or fortnight, it’s worth it.
        • bowsamic 4y ago
          Unfortunately I live in Germany now where private therapists are far more expensive than that. More like 100 to 200 an hour. When I eventually return to the UK I won’t bother with the NHS again
          • throwawayhealth 4y ago
            You can find therapist from other countries if you are comfortable speaking with them in english through video call. It may not provide the same experience but it might be better than the alternative which is no help. I would check out eastern europe or Asia. They will cost around $15-25/hour.
          • theGnuMe 4y ago
            Ask if they will take a sliding scale, most will. Also if you can provide tech stuff (like a website or what not) see if they will trade in kind services.
          • bravura 4y ago
            As I posted above, German public insurance is required to cover therapy if your GP prescribes it. So you can get private therapy covered if public therapists are too busy to take you. The process is roughly like this: * GP prescribes therapy. * You call seven public therapists who are busy and note their information and when you called. There's a specific form for this. * You find a private therapist that satisfies certain conditions (e.g. degree granted in Germany) that is a good fit for you, and your public insurance is obligated to pay for your care. Here's a long guide on it: https://www.bptk.de/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/2019-09_bptk_patientenbroschuere_englisch_web.pdf https://www.bptk.de/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/2019-09_bptk_...
  • brailsafe 4y ago
    Regarding the last point, that's shooting pretty low imo. Definitely a range of women out there between 25-35 who might be a catch, you just don't want to be desperate first.
  • soheil 4y ago
    I mean I don't know why people keep saying it's too late to have kids if you're 43. You could have a 20 year old by age 65, which is the time you could retire and have them move out after they get a job.
    • renewedrebecca 4y ago
      Not sure why you've been downvoted. This is absolutely true. I would however be careful equating having kids to being successful in life. At best, they can be a joy to have. At worst, they can be little sources of chaos and stress that you can pass your own worst traits to.
      • soheil 4y ago
        Can't you deselect your worst traits with IVF?
        • adaml_623 4y ago
          You could carefully choose an egg donor and a sperm donor who don't exhibit your bad traits. And then pay for someone else to raise the child. Dodge nature and nurture
    • ieisbeieieb 4y ago
      I had my child at 45. I recommend earlier if you can but in my case it’s been amazing.
• mradek 4y ago
  How do u find a therapist? I’m a bit weary to discuss super personal things with someone I don’t know even if they’re a professional. How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. My work offers a mental health service but I’ve looked at their TOS and no thanks. Sometimes I feel like just suspending the world background process and being still would be nice. But I don’t have sudo.
  • ohitsdom 4y ago
    I used TherapyDen to find the only therapist I saw (so I'm no expert). But lots of therapists there have videos so you get a sense of who they are and what they focus on. I did enjoy the therapist I ended up seeing for a year. https://www.therapyden.com/ https://www.therapyden.com/
    • pbhjpbhj 4y ago
      I've never been to a therapist but enjoyment is the opposite of what I imagine I need?
  • realce 4y ago
    > How can I find someone I trust and is actually good? Not like the movies where the clock is up and ok next issue. In reality, you don't really know the kind of people you'd trust to talk to in the first place, you don't really have an informed opinion. Just jump in feet-first, don't think about. You just need someone to talk to ASAP and any decent therapist is your first step. Just try it, there's nothing to lose whatsoever.
    • starkd 4y ago
      >> there's nothign to lose whatsoever. Except hundreds or even thousands of dollars you may or may not have to pay the counselors until you find the right one. I don't mean to be discouraging anyone from getting help, but keep in mind the counselors are not fungible, and, at least in my experience, many of them are useless or just plain weird. (This is not to stereotype, just stating the reality.) I wish there was a way to prefilter them out, but it is such a subjective field and the treatment options are highly individualistic. I would suggest any kind of community involvement with people you have an affinity for. In person, preferably. That brings on a set of new problems, but at least it will help get you out of yourself and away from too much navel-gazing.
• bowsamic 4y ago
  Unfortunately finding a therapist in Germany is near impossible even in a big city, I’ve been on the waiting list for almost a year now with no sign of end and I live in Hamburg which is one of the richest cities in Germany
  • dlandis 4y ago
    Could you try one of the remote services like Better Help? (I have no idea if they have good therapists, I just see their name a lot lately).
    • bowsamic 4y ago
      I didn’t want to but I might have to
    • soheil 4y ago
      I do not recommend remote therapy one bit.
      • artursapek 4y ago
        Why?
        • soheil 4y ago
          Maybe for minor things it's good. But for depression and serious mental issues absolutely not. For example you can't do analysis without being physically present with your doctor [1]. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoanalysis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoanalysis
          • wizeman 4y ago
            Psychoanalysis is pretty much discredited as a scientific discipline, nowadays. There's also a lot of evidence of remote therapy being just as effective as in-person therapy.
• stuart78 4y ago
  A six month series of weekly sessions with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist had a transformative impact in my life. He helped me see some of the actions I was doing more clearly and helped me develop the skills to change. In our sessions we focused on one small part of my life, but I’ve felt the impact quite broadly and still think of him and those conversations regularly, especially when I am struggling. I have at times seen other therapists with less helpful results, so it’s with finding the one that fits for you. I don’t believe any life is past its time. We all follow our own twisting paths, and it is an easier path when we don’t have to face it all alone.
• timwaagh 4y ago
  I'm sorry but how is this helpful? Even if you're actively employed that's a tough cost-benefit decision.
  • soheil 4y ago
    Literally there is no greater cost than not being able to live/earn a living/achieve any of your goals. So of course the cost is worth it.
• throwawayhealth 4y ago
  A therapist is helpful but I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist. Clinical depression and mood issues need to be treated with medication. I would recommend finding a psychiatrist and get a referral for therapist from them if you are able to. You would be able to work together with both medication and theraphy to get better. It will take bit of a time to get better but don't be discouraged, OP. Progress will be slow and many goals you might think of may seem unachievable so it's very important you plan small steps and follow through them. If theraphy is cost prohibited or have long waiting line in your country, from what I know of OP's situation - I recommend getting online sessions from therapist in other English speaking countries who might be cheaper locally.
  • soheil 4y ago
    Please refrain from comments that could put people in danger. It is at best careless to say to someone with possible depression therapy may not be the answer.
    • throwawayhealth 4y ago
      I have not suggested that. I strongly suggest trying theraphy above. The point of my comment is to also strongly consider theraphy with a medical practioner who will be able to help you using medication or diagnose any issues that a therapist cannot. A therapist isn't qualified to make any diagnosis or prescribe tests and medication.
      • soheil 4y ago
        So sorry I replied to the wrong thread. I left another comment on your here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34053767 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34053767
    • kbelder 4y ago
      But therapy might not be the answer. It's never wrong to speak truth. It might very well be the answer, also. OP is not asking for platitudes, he's asking for actual help, which is by necessity rooted in reality.
• throw1234651234 4y ago
  Just keep in mind that therapists are vastly overrated and are designed to help you accept where you are.
  • tartoran 4y ago
    Oh well, accepting who you are helps end a lot of internal struggles which leaves you with a bit of leftover bandwidth to improve ones life and enjoy small bits of it. What is wrong with that? If one goes to therapy with the expectation of becoming a complete different person they’d be sorely dissapointed. Therapy can solve other issues too but one should first accept who they are
  • ryanklee 4y ago
    That's not anything to keep in mind at all. There are many different kinds of therapies and therapists. Lumping them together and writing them off is brutal and insensitive. People need help understanding how to live. Therapists are trained to do that. Some of them are good at it, and some are bad at it. But telling someone who is in need of structured introspection and practical cognitive and behavioral techniques to NOT go to a therapist is really pretty horrible.
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• disintegore 4y ago
  I don't think you're wrong, but it's worth mentioning that you can't outlook-change your way out of having executive dysfunction. Recognizing the problem is the first step, but getting help comes soon after.
• waltherg 4y ago
  Yes, I read this and was thinking therapy from the start. I was never against therapy but finally pulled through and my mood and outlook have improved dramatically over the past six months thanks to my weekly therapy sessions. OP’s username seems somewhat German so I would cordially invite OP to make use of our pretty decent Krankenkasse system that makes it a relative breeze to get therapy sessions. Shop around if you don’t vibe with your therapist.
• cromwellian 4y ago
  100% to the above and I would look specifically for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which specializes in treating distorted thinking. It rescued me from my early thirties and I haven’t been depressed since. Our brains are wired to generate stories and narratives around everything, we can’t help it, and sometimes those narratives are distorted but cause damage and like a scab, we keep reinforcing and picking at them. Learning to recognize when you’re doing this and to stop is a skill like riding a bike, and a good therapist can help. Group therapy also helps because you can see other people going into these catastrophic narratives that look absurd to you and give you an idea of some of the same distortions you might be imagining. Then other thing is, no matter how smart you are, you can’t debug yourself, you need other people. If you have a distorted negative feeling of yourself, then when you try to fix yourself, you’ll be more inclined to feel something isn’t working or you are doomed the first time you hit a roadblock or relapse. And ultimately sometimes medication can help you get through the initial hurdle of such negativity, another reason you need to see a professional to evaluate this. Go check out YouTube and Wikipedia for some cognitive behavioral therapy sources to see if it might fit.
  • GFischer 4y ago
    Second the advice for Cognitive Behavorial Therapy, looks like the best fit in this case.
    • woolcap 4y ago
      Another vote for CBT. CBT has made a big difference for me, helping me to find my way out of some very negative patterns of thinking, and allowing me to feel real joy, despite a number of ongoing difficult circumstances in my life. I'd recommend it to just about anyone, at any age. I didn't go through CBT with a therapist. I just read the first few chapters of The Feeling Good Handbook, then tried to establish a habit of confronting my negative feelings, and the thoughts that were feeding them by identifying the distortions in those thoughts. YMMV, but it may be worth a try.
  • fsloth 4y ago
    CBT helped debug my thinking in very analogous circumstances to OP (30+, hit hard by events in life plus somewhat traumatic past), warm recommendation as well.
• breck 4y ago
• ErikVandeWater 4y ago
  People always leave out recommending medication. It is most effective to have medication and therapy.
• theteapot 4y ago
  "See a therapist" almost seems condescending even to average people with average jobs. Did you read the bit about $25K in savings? Or the part about there are "no mental health facilities in the small town where I live"? How's he afford a therapist, time or money wise?
  • BizarreByte 4y ago
    > Or the part about There are "no mental health facilities in the small town where I live" HN is hugely biased towards people who live in cities. A lot of the posters simply do not understand how a lot of us outside the cities live, and the resources they take for granted that we don't have access to. For me the drive to the nearest therapist is measured not in minutes, but hours. That's impossible for someone who has to work full time.
    • pempem 4y ago
      There are telehealth options now and while thay arent uiversal or a cure all, it expands the scope of possibility
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• asveikau 4y ago
  > a kid who had a unknown behavior problems they said was autism, Curious to know how that shook out. Did they get a different diagnosis eventually? Did anything in particular help?
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• zackmorris 4y ago
  With every passing day, I am becoming more bitter, angry and disillusioned. I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't know how to even _start_ thinking of ways to get myself out of this hole. The parent comment about therapy is correct (I regret not getting some myself), but I wanted to address this line directly. I was stuck being overwhelmed from 2003 to 2019 after the death of a friend, because I had a spiritual awakening but denied it. I tried to satisfy my ego and win the internet lottery and gain external recognition of success which never came. So I lost the better part of 2 decades just going through the motions, utterly exhausted. I had another spiritual awakening climbing out of burnout and surviving through the pandemic. This time I watched the world wrestle with every existential truth that I had suspected but which had been suppressed by the might of economics steamrolling everyone until that point. Now I feel that reality is akin to a dream, or at least a Matrix like the movie. There are logical rules we must follow on the micro scale in the day to day where we push atoms around for income. But on the macro scale, it's more like the universe reads our mind and lays a path for us to follow whose main goal is to put us through the wringer for our spiritual growth. That can be as painful or as effortless as we choose. Western culture has no real description for this outside of religion, so all but denies its existence. But it's deeply connected with karma/sin and how we've integrated our shadow self with our outward existence. Basically the stories I had told myself for most of my life were no longer enough to sustain me. My inner monologue had became toxic like the line above, a false exaltation to cling to when I couldn't face the road ahead of me. Here is an alternative way to write the same sentiment: I was struggling for a long time but am grateful for the lessons that pain has taught me, even though I can't continue to cling to that pain any longer. I found that most of the code in my brain had been co-opted by negative self-talk, to the point where it no longer worked and I lost my executive function. It was like I had a stroke and the part of my brain that controlled motivation was no longer there, or worse, actively talked me down from starting any task. I believe now that my subconscious intervened and broke the negative feedback cycle I was trapped in where the harder I tried, the harder I failed. Once that happened, I finally understood that my mind is not my soul. My physical body and even my thoughts may suffer profoundly (or be elated) in the day to day, but I mostly observe that process playing out now. I don't subscribe to external meaning anymore. I choose what's meaningful. Because meaning isn't objective, it's subjective. Now I meditate and have faith that I can handle life, even when it doesn't turn out the way that I want. I've found that practicing non-attachment has a funny way of revealing what's really important. Mantras help too, like aligning with heartfelt causes, for example service or being of service to others. Kind of like, strengthening the love inside to give love to others who need it. And allowing myself the same dignity to receive love. My struggles became training, my successes became miracles. And reality seems to be shifting towards this more integrated physical/spiritual whole with divine timing. Hope something in this helps you on your journey.
• gen220 4y ago
  I agree this is an important place to start, but it might not be feasible given the situation they're starting from now. It might make sense to take "under-" employment with a company that offers good health benefits, which would at least provide income and insurance to buffer the cost of therapy. It might be helpful to think of it as a "launchpad" or "staging" job. It can also be an opportunity to exercise the muscle of befriending new people (coworkers, regular customers). In the US, Starbucks and Trader Joe's are popular launchpad choices of employer, at least in my metro area. There might be similar ones in your current home country, if it makes more logistical sense to stay local.
• mancerayder 4y ago
  > You need to see a therapist You should reword that. Otherwise how did humanity last this long? Psychotherapy is less than two centuries old. You should instead say something like, "One option is to see a therapist." There are friends, elders, books, and a number of other ways to climb out of a mental rut. Traipsing "Psychology Today" for a therapist who will charge the insurance $150 for 40 minutes of a session, through Zoom no less, with your $40 co-pay after deductibles is such a commercial approach to what is fundamentally a human problem. You know a very modern problem? You can't sit easily and talk with friends over a drink about your issues and have someone give you constructive advice. Everyone is remote, busy, prefers chatting online, and as a result a lot of loneliness manifests as "Oh my god, what am I doing with my life."
  • geoah 4y ago
    Humanity "survived" this long, many people did't make that cut, and many of those who did lived in misery, denial, or in the comfort of alcholor and/or drugs. IMO the cost of a couple of sessions to see if it works for you is better than not giving it a shot. OP: Life can be good and does indeed gets better, if you are not in a good place, please do talk to someone, try to make a change, no matter how small, and stay strong.
    • fragmede 4y ago
      Also organized religion. After preparing sermons to give on Sunday, the church's pastor served as a therapist and did couples counseling for their local community. It's only recently that outside avenues have come to be formalized an relied upon in this way.
  • roughly 4y ago
    It's worth considering a therapist as similar to a medical intervention - yes, good eating, clean living, and regular exercise can keep you healthy, but after a very long time of not doing so, it's possible to find oneself too far down the road for that kind of change to sufficient on its own. Similarly, the help of friends, family, etc. can do wonders for one's mental health, but after a very long time of neglect, that can be beyond one's reach. I say this as someone who rather successfully turned things around with a therapist - I simply did not have it in me to have those conversations with others and I didn't feel I had the relationships or support to do so (in retrospect I probably did, but that's the thing about mental health). I don't think your diagnosis is wrong, particularly - there's a lot in the modern world that promotes alienation, feelings of low self esteem, and depression, but I think a lot of people find themselves at the bottom of the well before realizing quite what's happening and without the support structures to get out on their own. (Edit just to note that, like physical health, mental health is not just the consequences of one's own actions - both genetic predispositions and unexpected life events can necessitate professional intervention by no fault of one's own. It's not what we're talking about, but just so nobody takes my post to be a psalm from the church of the self-sufficient.)
• JamesBarney 4y ago
  It really sounds like your main problem is your depressed. So I'd get a therapist, get on medication, and try some things one the urls below. And to expand on that, if you're not vibing or getting results from one therapist see another one. Don't give up after seeing just one. I know plenty of people that didn't see much improvement after one therapist but did well with others. Look into medications, they are a lot easier to stick to than seeing a therapist especially if you're depressed. Even if the first drug doesn't work try another one. The non-response rates to a single medication are much smaller than if you didn't respond to one you try another one. In the process get started with this book. https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Depression-Step/dp/1608823806/ https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Depress... This website has a lot of useful information too. (Written by a psychiatrist) https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/06/16/things-that-sometimes-help-if-youre-depressed/ https://slatestarcodex.com/2014/06/16/things-that-sometimes-...
• fellellor 4y ago
  Please hit the - button at this top therapy comment so you can get the answer to the question you asked. Yes it’s possible. You can do it. You can do anything you put your mind into. You just need to figure out a strategy that works for you.
• moonraker 4y ago
  I just want to add 2 things to kemiller's helpful comment: 1.) Just talking to a therapist who you feel heard and understood by (whatever their method: CBT or any of the others below) will be a massive help - you'll feel less alone and the challenges and mindsets you wrote about will begin to feel less all encompassing. The world will be a less frightening place. 2.) I think Deutscher's post is one of the most courageous personal posts I've ever seen on a message board/social forum (certainly the most courageous in 2022). One of the hardest things for anyone to do is to admit their life hasn't/isn't going the way they expected and instead of lying to themselves, they do the incredibly brave thing of admitting they need help. Anyways, I just wanted to commend Deutscher for that (hopefully before my comment gets buried hours after the original post)
• nextaccountic 4y ago
  > a kid who had a unknown behavior problems they said was autism In the end, it wasn't autism?
• adave 4y ago
  I think at this stage a well known psychiatrist in your area might help. I can see patterns in what they wrote and it seems serious enough to get therapy and medication. It will take a year to get out of whatever predicaments you find yourself in.
• hanedot10 4y ago
  I am your age and I turned my life around in the last few years and now have much of the things you wish for. I can attribute much of it to therapy. It's ok to ask for help, you have shown you can do it here. Best of luck, know that it is possible.