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The toll of dating app burnout

• x-sp 4y ago
• jonatron 4y ago
  Pay/Registration wall: https://www.printfriendly.com/p/g/cDPg3S https://www.printfriendly.com/p/g/cDPg3S
• gernb 4y ago
  Honestly I don't know where else to look. I don't go to church. I have few friends and those I do have do not have any connections to introduce me to people. I choose a poor career for meeting people. No job I've ever had has had many people of the opposite sex in my division. Even now, in my team and a very large company, of the 45 people that I might interact with regularly, 43 are male and while there might be women at work I have no good excuse to talk to any of them. I'm not saying I want to meet someone at work. But, work is the 2nd most common place to meet someone. Friends are #1 but as I mentioned my friends don't come through here. Bars don't seem my thing. I am going to a dance event regularly but so far nothing there and even then, I can't talk while I dance as I need to concentrate on getting the moves right (it's a well known style of dance, not just club dancing) Trying to go to meetups but COVID is still a thing so outdoors only. And it can be burn out on those two because rarely is there anyone I might be interested in. (single, age appropriate, and seem compatible). I know it's a numbers game, I just am running out of ideas on how to increase the numbers. The apps don't work for me. I get at most 3~4 dates a year out of them. It's better than zero but not by much.
  • sgjohnson 4y ago
    > The apps don't work for me. I get at most 3~4 dates a year out of them. It's better than zero but not by much. Consider paying for them. From a male perspective, it’s strictly a numbers game. Tinder Platinum did wonders for me. Saves your time, and gets you pushed higher in the stack of the cards, which leads to more matches.
    • Grimburger 4y ago
      > gets you pushed higher in the stack of the cards What's the outcome when everyone pays for it?
      • sgjohnson 4y ago
        > What's the outcome when everyone pays for it? Back to the popularity contest, and virtually impossible to use without paying. Or they’ll just add a higher tier. It’s a very cruel numbers game.
      • imtringued 4y ago
        In theory the goal is to get married and quit the app but something tells me that their business model isn't based on that idea.
        • sgjohnson 4y ago
          > In theory the goal is to get married and quit the app It’s very dependent on the age group (and of course, people themselves). I’d be willing to bet that in 18-25 (maybe even higher) age group most people are looking to have fun, not get married.
      • AlwaysRock 4y ago
        "Everyone" wont. When I was 22, in pretty good shape, and had a full head of hair I didnt need to pay for bumble. Last time I was on an app I was ~27, in okay shape, and bald. If I was taking it seriously I would have paid for it because I saw a massive impact on my matches based on age/hair status.
    • gernb 4y ago
      I've paid for several. Hasn't helped at all.
    • awinter-py 4y ago
      yeah there's a harry stebbings interview of whitney wolfe where at the end he says 'bumble wasn't working that well for me until I dropped $300 a month for it, and blam', and she kind of chuckles and promises to work on his profile with him unintentional blindside question in a softball interview
  • atoav 4y ago
    I am with the same girl for half my life, so I might not be totally qualified to answer, but I met most interesting girls outside a work context. That means: on concerts, on hacking camps, in art exhibitions, especially exhibition openings, on film sets etc. These places reflect my interests of course, so I don't go there because of women, I go there because the stuff there interests me. So for you it could be a sports club, a library, an animal rights organization or any number of other, similar places where people of similar interest gather. The point is: if you want to get to know people (regardless of their gender) exposing yourself to situations where you actually get the chance to meet new people is a good way to increase your chances. Just like your chances of rolling a 6 increase with every roll of the dice. The important thing is to do it because you like, not because you expect to find women there.
    • gernb 4y ago
      I agree that getting out and doing thing you like will let you meet more people but just to be picky here. "concerts?" I couldn't talk to anyone at a concert as the music is too loud". "hacking camps", never seen more than 3% woman at any tech event. library? "shhh!, you're not supposed to talk at a library > The important thing is to do it because you like, As I said, I do, but none of the things I like involve enough people of the opposite sex. It doesn't help that I'm old so it might be true there are some 20 somethings at a hacking event but there are no 50 somethings.
      • CaptArmchair 4y ago
        Cooking classes, book club, movie club, volunteering (e.g. environment, local heritage, animal shelter, first aid,...), amateur acting, art classes, group travel, hanging out at vintage records store, coffee bar, dancing classes, music festivals, sports,...
      • orangepurple 4y ago
        There is a good flow chart for your dating life made by a specific YouTuber which I found highly effective. It can be found by searching YouTube for "wheat waffles flow chart"
  • gernb 4y ago
    Let me also add, a thing I hate about dating apps is the pressure. At least for me, I meet someone I know nothing about and I feel like I have to decide at every moment "Do I want to be in a relationship with this person?". It feels very unnatural to me. There's a one in a million chance there will be instance chemistry but mostly no, I don't know the person well enough. Compare to most of the relationships I've had, those were people I knew 6+ months before we got interested in each other. Classmates, co-workers, group friends.
  • fartsucker69 4y ago
    pick up other hobbies i started climbing and bouldering recently and while I haven't met anyone romantically (I have no interest in pushing this, I want to do it for the hobby first, and for meeting people second), the group I go with usually has more women than men and in the gyms it seems to be about a 50/50 split so I can easily see how you could meet someone there in the way you imagine. though I must emphasize not to do it to meet women as the primary purpose, I feel like that's kind of creepy vs. an event that is explicitly for that purpose (like single bars or whatever).
    • LesZedCB 4y ago
      > though I must emphasize not to do it to meet women as the primary purpose just seconding this. the gym is already a pretty tough environment and people coming for this purpose make it outright hostile. it's not a bar. do climb though, it's a great way to get strong and do something fun!
    • stickfigure 4y ago
      Long married now, but for many years, a trip to the climbing gym was my standard first date (that is - someone I met elsewhere, I would take them climbing). It worked really well: * It's a natural two-person activity with a bidirectional trust exercise. * Heights provide a little amygdala stimulation. * It's hard and physical and you feel like you deserve a beer afterwards. * If your date is not already a climber, you get to play the role of the teacher/master. * It weeds out the extremely uptight / neurotic.
    • latchkey 4y ago
      i was a climber for 8 years... i'd say that, in general, women in the gym i was going to several times a week definitely don't want to be hit on at the gym. why? because they go a lot and if you get into some awkward situation there, you don't want to keep running into the same person over and over again... that said, it does make for a good first date and i definitely got a bunch of random people into climbing that way... =)
  • hypertele-Xii 4y ago
    > Honestly I don't know where else to look [...] Bars don't seem my thing So you do know where to look, you just don't want to look there.
    • ChuckNorris89 4y ago
      I got news for you. Bars are rarely the place for successfully meeting a nice lady in most places. Quality women don't often hang around alone in bars waiting to meet a partner as they'll be hit on by tons of drunks and creeps. Ditto for clubs. They usually go in groups and stay together. YMMV but that's the case in my area in Europe. Maybe the US has a different culture.
      • hypertele-Xii 4y ago
        OC didn't say they were looking for quality women, just prospective dates in general. There are also quality bars.
        • ChuckNorris89 4y ago
          You misunderstood. The quality of the bars is irrelevant here, as most people, guys and girls, go to the bar to sit at a table and drink with one or more friends, not to get hit on by random strangers. The Hollywood scene where girls hang around alone by the bar waiting for guys to hit on them doesn't exist here.
          • samatman 4y ago
            Your bars don't have pool tables? If you want to go to a bar and meet other people, go to one with a pool table. Hitting on women is much smoother when you meet their girlfriend's boyfriend first, and better tolerated whether she's interested or not.
            • ChuckNorris89 4y ago
              In Germany/Switzerland it's not common to go to pool bars and talk to "meet other people". People will look at you funny if a random stranger from the bar talks to them for no reason. Here at bars, you're expected to bring you own group of friends and stick with them. Not every country/culture has such warm/welcoming social etiquettes as US/UK/etc/
  • StreamBright 4y ago
    The best locations are in my opinion where people already have lowered guard against getting hit on. For example: grocery store. The problem is that the introverts are not really good at small talk (not saying your are an introvert) and it is hard to come up with an opener.
    • rdtwo 4y ago
      Grocery store is a really poor example. Unless you go on busy days you have like 30 secconds to close which is not enough time
      • selimthegrim 4y ago
        There are certain grocery stores nationwide notorious for this - e.g. “Club Pub”(lix) in Tallahassee and a certain Safeway in DC.
        • leephillips 4y ago
          The “social Safeway” (there is also one called the “Soviet Safeway”).
  • trevordixon 4y ago
    Are you satisfied with your friendships? I daresay it's more important to have abundant friendship than any romance, besides the fact that friendship leads to love.
    • ChuckNorris89 4y ago
      Friendships are not enough for most people. We also need sex and physical intimacy with a partner. That's why dating is a multi billion dollar industry.
  • awinter-py 4y ago
    grad school is a legit possibility here not just for dating, for all kinds of 'network reboot'. doesn't have to be traditional grad school either, any kind of high-investment cohort-based bonding experience should do it agree with you that hollowing out of local institutions is rough, esp for over-30s post-pan. The web has not done a good job of delivering IRL social networks; tinder is IMO fairly good at this, with the caveat that it's impossible to turn the connections into a true community
    • lapcat 4y ago
      > grad school is a legit possibility here The tradeoffs though... like student loan debt!
      • koeng 4y ago
        You get paid for graduate school. Not much, but still get something.
        • lapcat 4y ago
          Sometimes. This varies widely.
        • confidantlake 4y ago
          In the US unless you are a TA or something you are probably paying.
    • deleted 4y ago
      [deleted]
  • slig 4y ago
    >I am going to a dance event regularly Is that ballroom dance with lead/follower? If that's the case, I cannot recommend it enough. It's hard as hell in the first couple of years, but then you'll grasp it. See this graph for the learning curve of ballroom dancing, and don't give up [1]. [1]: https://www.salsafs.com/site/assets/articles/learning_curve.jpg https://www.salsafs.com/site/assets/articles/learning_curve....
    • MezzoDelCammin 4y ago
      I'm not sure this is too legit. I love ballroom, been doing it more or less since high school (10+ years and some breaks), but I wouldn't really use this curve for any other reason than to motivate new men to attend classes. In the beginning, followers may have a slightly easier time since it's probably a bit easier for a follower to learn from a more advanced leader than the other way around, but this plateaus pretty soon (low single digit months). Also, leaders tend to pick and followers accept / reject, so in that respect, "attractive followers" will have a bit of an easier time (more offers) than if you're a shy, not very attractive leader. But that's mostly just for newcomers. Eventually, few dances in, people get familiar with your level and you with theirs in a given group. And I've yet to see a place where one could get no partners, even as a "beginner with only a handful of introductory classes" (unless through some pretty obvious breaches of ethics / personal hygiene). Eventually (maybe a few months in), both leaders and followers have to do some introspection and practice things like technique, posture and musicality. And there's simply no way other than mindful practice.
    • meristem 4y ago
      From my experience in Human Factors this is not a real graph. It is bs disguised as information.
      • deleted 4y ago
        [deleted]
  • spoonjim 4y ago
    Just go talk to random people in stores. Men and women. Make it based on shared interests. Find a way to start conversations with them. And work out and stay fit and wear decent clothes. On a dating app women are happy to swipe left and see who's next but when there is a man right in front of them the calculus is way different.
    • probably_wrong 4y ago
      > Just go talk to random people in stores. I'd like to counter-argue with a quote from this random Reddit thread in /r/AskWomen [1] titled "What is one place you hate to be hit on?": > Grocery store. I'm just like, dude, leave me alone, I'm here to get my food and get out as quickly as possible. I'm not interested in having to pretend not to be annoyed by you interrupting my day, fuck off. And I'd like to point out that "Earth" is also an answer there. I feel for the OP because he's stuck between a rock and a hard place: hitting on women is often annoying for the woman being hit on, but at the same time not hitting on women means that he can only date people who he meets for reasons other than dating. It's like a Zen riddle: "What is that which you can only have once you stop desiring it?". This is the landscape that gave rise to the hell we call "dating apps", and I really wish we had something better. [1] https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/pzojno/what_is_one_place_you_hate_to_be_hit_on/ https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/pzojno/what_is_on...
      • eloisius 4y ago
        In my experience, the voices you read on Reddit are a special breed of high-anxiety thinkers. Especially in dating/relationship threads. I think a lot of people on there are bent out of shape from some experience, and that’s why they’re on Reddit talking about dating and relationships instead of doing them. I avoid using reddit posts as a gauge for anything about people in real life. Not saying go out and start hitting on women at the bus stop, but there’s nothing weird or socially unacceptable about talking to strangers if you don’t make it weird. Just ask a small question or make a comment about something in the environment. Don’t say “I couldn’t help but notice your beautiful eyes m’lady.” Band shirt, how do you cook that vegetable, whatever. If there’s tension, she’ll invite you to keep talking to her. If there’s not, move on.
  • dalke 4y ago
    > I can't talk while I dance as I need to concentrate on getting the moves right (it's a well known style of dance, not just club dancing) I recognize that feeling! It took me a long time before it disappeared. Practice helps a lot. And if you forget a move, it's okay to get back to the basic (assuming you are doing a partner dance and not a line dance - I suck at line dances). I don't know which style of dance you mean. You may consider different dance styles. I did a bit of ballroom in grad school, then years later learned salsa, then added tango, then some swing and other dance styles (modern, Scottish country, Swedish folk dance). Each one has a different social scene. Where I lived, tango tends towards older people, and is usually combined with a social/café scene (a milonga). "Older" means 40s and up. Salsa is more at clubs. As a bouncer once pointed out, he loved the energy of the dancers, but they don't drink much so it doesn't make much revenue for the bar. It took a couple of years of salsa classes, and dancing salsa elsewhere, before I realized that I didn't like the salsa style my teacher taught, and preferred another studio. So that's also something to consider. Swing tended to be a younger, more energetic crowd (late teens/20s), with dance events at more specialized locales that had more open space (where I was, that was generally a yoga/dance studio or the OddFellows Hall, which hosted a lot of smaller dance events). My limited ballroom experience was that the higher levels tend towards ballroom studios. I got the feeling that engineers lean towards ballroom because there are more specific steps and progressions to learn. The folk dancing scene is pretty laid back. The basics aren't hard to learn, and people will help you with them. It's the most family-friendly of the dances I did, with quieter music, and more often held outside (if the weather is good) because it doesn't need a special dance floor. For what it's worth, at my peak I was dancing about 25 hours per week. I met my wife at a dance event, held at bar. Other things I did, to meet people, were local community college classes (as a new resident to the state, I like the local state history course the best; the teacher also hosted a monthly local history event, which I went to - nearly everyone was 55 and older so I was the youngest by far) and Sierra Club hikes.
  • cafard 4y ago
    Might I suggest volunteering?
    • wintermutestwin 4y ago
      As someone responsible for volunteer coordination for a non-profit, I don't want to deal with people who aren't there due to passion for our mission. I actually developed conflict management training for volunteer coordinators of a certain non-profit that used a lot of college age volunteers who were generating a lot of drama due to their in-dating.
      • cafard 4y ago
        You have my sympathy. At the same time, do you really require passion, or can you get by with commitment? I suspect that most volunteer coordinators will be happy with volunteers who are perhaps not passionate but do turn out when they say they will, arrive prepared, and do the work.
        • wintermutestwin 4y ago
          In the specific case of my non-profit, passion is required in volunteers because the role requires a lot of patience that will overwhelm commitment. >I suspect that most volunteer coordinators will be happy with volunteers who are perhaps not passionate but do turn out when they say they will, arrive prepared, and do the work. Agreed.
    • bell-cot 4y ago
      THIS. But be mature, diverse, and kinda picky about what organizations you volunteer for, in what roles, and how much. Be especially wary of bringing your day job technical skills & attitude to a volunteer organization. (The food bank is far, far more likely to need food and reliable food handlers than it is to need you building a fancy new AWS-hosted web site & database for them.)
    • analogcollector 4y ago
      This only works if you're in an area that isn't hypersaturated with retirees. Nearly every volunteer event I attend has people that are mostly 20-30 years older than me.
  • nprateem 4y ago
    • flopunctro 4y ago
      No. Please don't do that. It's called Pick-Up Artistry, and it is toxic. You will benefit more if you try to be a considerate human being, and not treat women like prizes, or prey to be captured. This way, you actually have a chance to healthy relationships.
      • nprateem 4y ago
        Please don't associate your preconceptions & biases with me.
      • bulkprotocol 4y ago
        Meh, honestly you can do it. It's more so a cultural thing. It also has nothing to do with treating people like prizes or prey, in a chill environment people are okay conversing with total strangers, but its very location dependent. I met my last girlfriend this way. I know friends who found partners randomly chatting on the train, in ubers (pool when that was a thing), at bus stops etc. Just dont be an asshole or a creep/creepy looking, and youd be surprised how receptive people can be
    • srvmshr 4y ago
      It is called being 'creepy'. Please don't do it or suggest it. The outcomes are neither favorable or painless (depending on whether it's a Taser or Mace). It is far better to send dozens of messages or interests in Tinder - than make a spectacle of yourself, be it US or India or EU/Asia
      • nprateem 4y ago
        Nice limiting beliefs you have there. If it was creepy I wouldn't date models.
  • langitbiru 4y ago
    Some people use Twitter to find the one: https://twitter.com/ch402/status/1564631228166201345 https://twitter.com/ch402/status/1564631228166201345 https://twitter.com/TwtJodohMY https://twitter.com/TwtJodohMY
  • pizza234 4y ago
    > Trying to go to meetups but COVID is still a thing so outdoors only In which country COVID is still a thing that prevents indoors meetings? Regardless, outdoor there is a world of events happening; it isn't just "indoors". Just check on meetup.com. > I can't talk while I dance as I need to concentrate on getting the moves right (it's a well known style of dance, not just club dancing) At social dances, dancers often socialize on the sides of the dance floor, taking a break rather than dancing the whole evening; socializing or not is very much a choice.
    • NegativeK 4y ago
      > In which country COVID is still a thing that prevents indoors meetings? I think you're confusing unable to go to indoor meetings versus unwilling.
  • bsnnkv 4y ago
    I recommend taking up swing dancing if that's not already the style you're doing (Lindy Hop is great to start with). The majority of swing dance socials will have very low levels of intoxication (because everyone is there to dance!), and it is a social atmosphere where it is expected and encouraged to introduce yourself to strangers and ask them to dance. If you are a man (or dance the lead role), don't worry about not being able to do so much fancy stuff while you're dancing. Often, experienced followers are perfectly happy to try out individual stylistic variations while the leader holds a nice steady basic. I'd recommend going with the intention of trying to expand your social circle, and seeing where you end up! > dance
    • MikeTheRocker 4y ago
      Swing dancing is a lot of fun and a great place to meet people, but please don't be the guy that's obviously there to flirt. In my experience, most people there just want to enjoy their evening dancing, not getting hit on.
      • itsthejb 4y ago
        This is a very real problem! I didn’t actually work out the protocol here, seems tricky to ask for than a handful of people out, before you might get into trouble Alternatively, aim to make friends, and meet THEIR friends. This is always the absolutely best way
      • bsnnkv 4y ago
        Yes, for sure, please don't be that guy! I figured I'd add a bit of guidance in addition to "go with the intention of expanding your social circle" since I'm writing another message, for anyone that is interested: * Start going to swing dance classes (I recommend Lindy Hop for beginners) * In classes, say hello to all the people you dance with as you rotate, ask how they are doing, and start gradually making small talk focused around whatever moves you're learning that day (though not to the point of distracting from the class!) * Chances are some people coming to the class will be in couples. If there is one partner of the couple who you small talk a bit more freely with, at the beginning or the end of the classes, go and say hi and make some small talk with those couples, get to know their partners too * As a single person going to classes it's generally a lot more relaxed talking to couples than other single people to start with * Slowly start including others (couples or single people) in these pre/post class conversations * At this point everyone is probably still terrified at the idea of going to a social dance, thinking they aren't "good enough" yet * Make a group chat with the people you've been talking to before and after classes with the goal of coordinating a social dance that everyone can go to together so they don't feel so terrified of going alone * Add more and more people from the classes to the group chat, and more and more of the nice people you meet at the dances to the group chat (others in the group chat will be doing this too!) * Before you know it, you'll have a new social circle of 20+ friends, hooray!
  • vorpalhex 4y ago
    Do interesting things. Meet people who also do those interesting things. Do the interesting things together. Drinking alcohol at the alcohol place is not an interesting thing.
  • mancerayder 4y ago
    >Trying to go to meetups but COVID is still a thing so outdoors only. And it can be burn out on those two because rarely is there anyone I might be interested in. (single, age appropriate, and seem compatible). I know it's a numbers game, I just am running out of ideas on how to increase the numbers. Few things. First, why is covid still a thing? You can just as easily catch it on a date or at work, just go to the indoor meetups. I'm in a liberal big city in the US and covid isn't a thing anymore. It's been three years. I don't want to die alone, do you? I had long COVID, it sucks, but it's unfortunately not an option. Second, some meetups have different people going to it in each event. Those are the date targets. But, focus on making friends there, this happens if you go regularly, weekly, to the same ones.
  • grapeskin 4y ago
    > I am going to a dance event regularly but so far nothing there and even then, I can't talk while I dance as I need to concentrate on getting the moves right (it's a well known style of dance, not just club dancing) Are you doing competitive dancing? If you’re dancing for fun yet you’re more concerned about dancing “properly” than you are about just socializing, people are probably wondering why you’re taking it so seriously.
    • inkcapmushroom 4y ago
      I disagree. I partner dance socially and getting good at dancing played a big part in making me comfortable while at a dance event. If I feel like I'm tripping over my feet, I'll be embarrassed to try and talk to the partner after the dance, I'll just want to run away instead.
    • dalke 4y ago
      I don't agree with your conclusion. I took years of dance lessons, and at my peak was dancing about 25 hours per week. My social life was my dance friends, made after I started taking it so seriously. My friends also went to dance lessons, and worked to get the moves right. My now-wife, for example, studied for a year to be a ballroom dance instructor then taught courses and private lessons. In traveling dances like tango and waltz, the lead must learn not only the basic forward motion, but also how to turn corners, and how to avoid people. At the beginning, this took me a lot of effort. My first few tango milongas were mostly "step, step, stop, think; repeat" unable to hold a conversation and dance at the same time. Things got better once I had enough practice in moving about floor, but at the beginning, it was tough. And that was after several years of salsa dancing. A real beginning tango dancer would likely have it worse. There are also people who believe "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And some people have a sort of impostor syndrome - they know they are beginners, they see the better dancers, and they think people won't like them or dance with them until they get better. This is wrong, but the solution isn't to suggest stop taking it so seriously, but to get those dancers to know it really is okay to be a beginner dancer - everyone was a beginner once. "Taking it seriously" is respected because that's what those better dancers did to become better. There's also the opposite - beginners who want to learn more complicated moves right away, before they even get the basics down, and end up making the follow annoyed for being lead into uncomfortable positions, being stepped on, etc. To anyone reading - don't be like that.
  • analogcollector 4y ago
    Yeah I agree about the meetup thing. It can be really hit or miss. Maybe if you pick a good one like hiking or sports. You have to screen out the meetups where there are a lot of retirees or married couples.
  • scarier 4y ago
    I’m not convinced it’s a pure numbers game, at least from a perspective of long-term success (for what it’s worth, I was averaging 1-2 dates/year until I met my partner). I think it’s much better to have two high-quality dates than dozens of low-quality ones. The advantage of dating apps over more traditional ways of meeting people is that you can much more effectively set up bandpass filters to focus your efforts on interesting people. I think the best thing you can do is focus on yourself, particularly by cultivating hobbies that you enjoy—bonus points if they’re things you can enjoy alone and with others, because they’re easy inroads and great first dates (worst case you get to spend a bit of time doing something you like!). The second thing I’d encourage is to get any potential dealbreakers out of the way early (e.g. religion, political views, desires for parenthood, career aspirations). It’s a slow path, but it’s helped me avoid the major pitfalls I’ve seen in my friend’s’ and colleagues’ relationships.
    • Macacity 4y ago
      > I think it’s much better to have two high-quality dates than dozens of low-quality ones. But first you have to meet the person to go on a date with.
    • sweezyjeezy 4y ago
      I don't think I fully agree with this. I think most people are quite bad at dating, I know I was. 1-2 per year for me would mean too much pressure. If I'm taking nothing else from using dating apps for the last 10 years, it's that I feel calm and have a good handle on my feelings in those situations, when good people come along I have a much better shot with them now. Obviously 2 good dates > loads of average ones, but the average ones aren't pointless either.
      • scarier 4y ago
        Fair point—I never got good at “dating” as a standalone skill. I still think that’s the benefit of activity dates over bar/dinner-and-a-movie/whatever dates, though. Doing a thing that you’re both already reasonably confident at helps counteract the anxiety and pressure from being on a date, and if you both have a good time doing the activity it makes follow-on conversions easier and less stressful since you have a common foundation to build and/or fall back on.
  • inkcapmushroom 4y ago
    > I am going to a dance event regularly but so far nothing there and even then, I can't talk while I dance as I need to concentrate on getting the moves right I usually don't talk while dancing with someone too, but social partnered dancing is how I met my wife. You don't have to be super social, but hopefully you naturally form some friends out dancing you can talk with while you're sitting out a dance. Just the act of being friendly and social with others puts you in the right situation; women usually prefer someone like that to someone sitting by themselves silently.
  • JoeAltmaier 4y ago
    Trying to be helpful: music events - volunteer to help organize. Cycling club. Gardening group, perhaps a local Japanese garden or some such, even just watering potted plants they need volunteers. Book club - really! Dog show if that's your thing. Art classes.
  • m463 4y ago
    http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.pdf
  • Tiktaalik 4y ago
    Keep an eye on municipal/state/fed politics and volunteer to help support a good candidate when there's elections. You will meet a lot of people.
• sgjohnson 4y ago
  I can’t relate. I found a long-term relationship on Tinder. I found my wife on Tinder. Not to mention the countless flings. The key is to be honest about what you’re looking for (though I found my wife when I “wasn’t looking for anything in particular”) > Abby, 28, has been on dating apps for eight years […]. A committed user, she can easily spend two or more hours a day piling up matches, […]. Not a single long-term relationship has blossomed from her efforts. Perhaps if you can’t find what you’re looking for in 8 years and 6000+ man-hours, the problem is you?
  • martin_a 4y ago
    > I can’t relate. I found a long-term relationship on Tinder. Survivorship bias. I have friends who found their partners on there, too. But I got ten times more friends who did not get anything meaningful out of dating apps.
  • cosmodisk 4y ago
    I used dating sites before Tinder was invented. Abby is what I could describe as a professional dater. The person knows the platform inside out, seems to be always online, knows half of the people there, etc. Goes to lots and lots of dates and...well, nothing happens. It's either chasing some unrealistic expectations or some deeply rooted issues that won't let the person to form meaningful, longterm relationships.
    • swagasaurus-rex 4y ago
      You can't run from the problems you create
  • StrLght 4y ago
    So much to unpack here, surprised the article didn't try to address this: what is the reason for that? Surely after 8 years this person might have looked back on failed relationships, and tried to understand why they've failed. Is it because of the dating apps, and if so, why precisely? Is it because of the people on dating apps? I feel like pointing fingers at dating apps in general is just wrong.
  • 4y ago
• captainmuon 4y ago
  I am glad to have been in a relationship for all the Tinder years, so I don't have firsthand experience. But I know quite a few people who have become miserable from dating apps. For some, using the apps become a compulsion and they stay up for hours, swiping endlessly, obsessing over their profiles or their potential matches. Then it changes dating a lot. Before, you often people from your extended social circle. You met people at your hobbies, at uni or even work, or when going out. You could ask common acquaintances to check someone out. And you had at least some kind of social connection. And dating apps remove all ambiguity. You are not in an innocent everyday situation where you happen to like somebody, you start flirting and you move closer and see what happens. It is clear from the beginning that you are both there looking for something. I would find that immensely stressful, everything becomes a performance. I can't flirt "on cue" and I've heard the same from other people. I wonder how modern dating would look like if the financial incentives of the app company was not the main driver. Maybe you'd have some "neutral" social network that people use IRL where dating was just an emergent side function? But maybe I'm biased because that's how online dating looked like in my early 20s?
  • AmericanChopper 4y ago
    > Maybe you'd have some "neutral" social network that people use IRL where dating was just an emergent side function? That’s basically what Instagram is. But I’ve used the dating apps, and I really don’t understand what the issue is with them. They’re a great way to meet people.
  • eloisius 4y ago
    > Maybe you'd have some "neutral" social network that people use IRL where dating was just an emergent side function? But maybe I'm biased because that's how online dating looked like in my early 20s? There is. It’s instagram, and “sliding into” a stranger’s DMs is how you walk across the room and say hi to someone you’re attracted to.
  • soco 4y ago
    A good friend got happily married (three years already, or more?) over a dating app, so it can work.
• martin_a 4y ago
  > “I just feel burned out,” Same, same. Been on and off dating apps for about 6-7 years now. Trying a new one like every quarter or so, quitting it after 6 months, frustrated by the whole experience. Giving it a new try at the beginning of each year, because "new year, new chances" or something like that. I know that as an obese person I do not work well with what most people are looking for, but the "no answer at all"-cases are still hurting. Rejections are "fine" (kind of), but no answer at all really fucks my brain up, even after all those years. Online dating is strange. There are fast-paced online dynamics, combined with our hormones, deeply-rooted human wishes, gamification elements and "pay2win"-stuff. Things that should not be thrown together are totally thrown together and we never learned how to handle that. At least I didn't.
  • seper8 4y ago
    Dating apps are stacked against the bottom 80% of men, as research has proven that women rate the bottom 80% as below average and tend to like only the top 20% of men in dating apps. I'd focus on losing weight first if I were you.
    • martin_a 4y ago
      > top 20% of men Loooooooooong way to go then. > I'd focus on losing weight first if I were you. Yeah, I'm on it. It's complicated, but yes.
      • seper8 4y ago
        I feel you man, good luck
        • martin_a 4y ago
          Thanks!
      • gadders 4y ago
        You can get there, mate. Good luck!
• yamrzou 4y ago
  https://archive.ph/b2aky https://archive.ph/b2aky
• quacksilver 4y ago
  Is it the dating app that is responsible, or that people/prospective dates have became much more disposable in general, and no-one really cares? You probably want to date people in the top 5 or 10% of your target sex/gender/age range. As does everyone else in the expanded pool that people can now access with the internet or the apps. Everyone has probably been told by the apps that they can get someone in the top 5 or 10% of what is available to them, so will feel unhappy with anyone else. Most women will probably notice this as guys will only want to have sex with them if they are not what guys have been told they 'deserve' by the apps / society, or guys may settle for them if they are content with getting sex. A few will be able to optimally choose a guy or get all of the casual sex that they desire. Most guys will probably find that no-one wants to connect with them at all without payment, or getting something out of the deal or will be treated as if they don't exist. Things are probably really bad if they are in the bottom 10 to 30% in desirability. A few will be able to optimally choose a woman or get all of of casual sex that they desire. I am not sure about subcultures / non-cis / non-het groups or situations outside my country as I don't have experience of dating them and don't know how things work.
  • irajdeep 4y ago
    > Is it the dating app that is responsible, or that people/prospective dates have became much more disposable in general, and no-one really cares? "Everyone has probably been told by the apps that they can get someone in the top 5 or 10% of what is available to them, so will feel unhappy with anyone else." -- I think the fact that these apps have instilled a sense of "I can do better" attitude is probably one of the core problems here. So, I would still probably hold the dating apps responsible.
• stayfrosty420 4y ago
  >She recommends that app users stop scrolling and talking to other matches once they have found nine people they feel some level of connection with, and dedicate their time to really trying to get to know those people first. That really seems like quite a lot to me...
  • c7DJTLrn 4y ago
    Men and women have vastly different experiences on dating apps.
• dendriti 4y ago
  One major issue driving the dissatisfaction with dating apps may be that a truly satisfied customer stops being a customer.
  • hypertele-Xii 4y ago
    Maybe a reverse business model? The dating app gets paid when you get married?
    • irajdeep 4y ago
      > The dating app gets paid when you get married? Wondering how it can be enforced from business model point of view.
      • vitiral 4y ago
        1. The corporation is a person. 2. To use the dating app you must first marry a subsidiary of the corporation, which has a prenup with specific conditions. 3. To get married, you must first divorce the corporation and pay the prenup
        • irajdeep 4y ago
          That escalated quickly.
        • mikhael28 4y ago
          Wow. This is the most... HN comment I've seen in a while.
          • vitiral 4y ago
            >_> not sure if insult or praise >_>
    • AlwaysRock 4y ago
      Like how recruiting companies work???
• c7DJTLrn 4y ago
  I tried Tinder and Bumble for about a month and they made me feel like shit. I'm a living breathing person and I have to reduce myself into a short text description and some perfect pictures. I don't even take selfies so I'm already faking it! The whole concept is just vain and feels disgusting. I've simply accepted that I'm going to be single unless something dramatic happens in my life.
  • bionsystem 4y ago
    I tried other apps a long time ago before tinder existed and felt the same. I've given up on dating years ago and will probably never go back. For me it felt like constant stress, pressure to appear perfect or near-perfect, and lots and lots of disappointment. It's not just the apps either (I was going to bars and club mainly to try and meet women). Quitting actually helped me recover from depression and now I'm alone and somewhat happy, while before I was a constantly dissatisfied mess. Hope you find someone if that's what you want, but just so you know, you can do well alone.
  • soared 4y ago
    Hinge is the only dating app I’d reccommend. Its much more purposeful in solving the issues you had compared to tinder and bumble.
    • bionsystem 4y ago
      I went on the site and can't figure out how to subscribe nor what's different about them (although they say a lot that they are). What's so good about them ?
  • mathieuh 4y ago
    Very happy to see a comment like this because I feel exactly the same. Luckily I much prefer being on my own in pretty much every situation.
  • mod 4y ago
    I've twice signed up for dating apps and had the exact same experience you have. I do not like trying to prove how worthwhile I am in two sentences. I deleted them within 24 hours. Disgust was a great word choice. I'm 39 and single, although I have decent success offline when I expend any effort. The women who I've dated in real life--I'm pretty sure they'd all ignore me on the dating app. Phrased differently, I find the women I've actually dated far more attractive (not only physically) than any who will engage with me online.
• gadders 4y ago
  I've been married coming up on 20 years, so I'm well out of the game. I do however see a lot memes, tiktok videos from women about "creepy men" daring to ask them out in real life. I'm sure some men are creeps, but if you don't want people to speak to you in real life, then apps are your only option.
  • testmasterflex 4y ago
    Women only find unattractive men creepy. If a DiCaprio would approach them, there would be another story. And men (and women) can do a lot to enhance their attractiveness. Working out, eating healthy, make money, for example.
    • gadders 4y ago
      I'm sure there are complete weirdos out there, but I agree with what you say.
      • strikelaserclaw 4y ago
        but i'm sure that applies to women as well. It is just that women have no pressure to approach.
    • kzrdude 4y ago
      on the topic of DiCaprio, this chart of his girlfriends was spread around recently https://old.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/azjti7/leonardo_dicaprio_refuses_to_date_a_woman_over_25/ https://old.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/comments/azjti7/leo... and it's definitely interesting and weird at the same time. Judging just from this picture, it seems like he's not dating to find a life partner (which is what I imagine most want to do.. maybe just me?)
      • gadders 4y ago
        I think one of the InCel theories is that top 1% men are hooking up with (say) 50% of women (and not looking for a long term partner), preventing those women (and the rest of the men) being able to find a long term partner. I may have garbled this, but I think it is the gist of their theory.
• info781 4y ago
  Learn to play tennis. Take some lessons, don't worry if you are not very good. I guarantee you will meet someone, guy or girl. It is a great social activity that you can't do alone.
  • 9530jh9054ven 4y ago
    The tennis practice wall would care to disagree that can't be done alone. One can very much so spend months playing tennis and never once see or speak to another human being.
• herbst 4y ago
  I hate these apps and I've tried a lot of them. However without I wouldn't have my wonderful partner. We had been at the same party, we exchanged looks but nothing happened. Only a week or so later I checked a profile on some app with the most stupid intro ever 'i think I know you, have we seen?' and bam nearly 6 years later we are still together.
• benknight87 4y ago
  Leaving the US five years ago and moving to Southeast Asia provided a swift solution to all of my dating problems.
  • wing-_-nuts 4y ago
    Are your dates typically fluent in english? I'm interested in relationships, not flings. Gotta be able to communicate to establish a strong relationship.
    • doix 4y ago
      Not the parent, but meeting people whilst traveling doesn't have to be locals. If you go to a popular backpacker/nomad/tourist spot and stay a hostel you'll meet loads of people (that almost certainly speak English). The best part is that these people also enjoy traveling, so you have something in common. You can take it a step further, if you stay in a surf hostel, you'll meet other people that like surfing. Replace surfing with any other activity you like (or want to learn). I think this works well, because you meet people that you have something in common with and have a similar lifestyle.
• fleddr 4y ago
  Women on dating apps have ample choice and thus try to select for the top 10-20% of men on offer. Exactly the type of men that have plenty of choice themselves. It's a kind of a too good to be true deal. You should assume that the very top of men would normally already be taken. They may not have the right motives to be this available. And even if the motive is genuine, you yourself should be an exceptionally attractive woman yourself, in one way or another. The other 80% of men are pretty much ignored. As a counter reaction, they deploy a dragnet approach. Spamming many low effort messages as any love is good love. Painting with a broad brush here, obviously.
  • sweezyjeezy 4y ago
    It can go both ways, I know perfectly fine, ordinary looking women who don't get many likes either and will more actively message people the way men do. I think part of the issue is the 'average' man not being realistic. These apps make it easy to think "why should I message this person if there's someone better a few swipes away", when they would be stoked to get that person's number in real life. The reason not to do this is that you barely have any time to demonstrate value on these apps over the more conventionally attractive people you're competing with, and you will end up wasting a lot of time. Sure some guys take the scattergun approach, but I think also a lot of men are being too picky and swiping past good matches.
    • fleddr 4y ago
      Not sure if that's true. Every single study on this topic concludes that women date upwards whilst men are far more flexible. It's a dynamic as old as our species is. But I do very much agree with your overall point that this is an incredibly unnatural way to date. Reduce a full human to a 3 second review based on near-zero info and match it to some arbitrary shopping checklist as if people are a utility. Perhaps that does break the dynamic somewhat. It's more like a slot machine. The lady in the article spent close to a decade spending hours per day just swiping. That's not dating, it's hardcore addiction.
• testmasterflex 4y ago
  If you are physically unattractive and introverted you will not have a good profile and end up not getting any matches and success. For those people I recommend hitting the gym, getting a tan and optionally bleaching your teeth. This alone will bump up your attraction level a lot + you will feel healthier.
• bradlys 4y ago
  As usual with all these trite dating app articles - not a single heterosexual man is represented. It’s always the plight of gay men, straight women, and so forth. Often for these groups - they have abundant choice and are just unable to settle down with the idea they won’t get to date an Instagram model. For most straight men - dating apps are a form of purgatory and Sisyphusian efforts. The difference is so starkly different compared to all of the other people I know who aren’t straight men. Only straight men I know who don’t have these issues tend to be incredibly physically attractive to the point where they’d have women come up to ask them out on dates everyday. (Unheard of for an average man) My advice is to pickup activities where women are and that have a natural social element. There are almost none of these btw. Social dancing is about the only one that exists still. The rest of activities out there that are social and involve meeting new people are completely dominated by men. Just brutally so. Most women I know don’t go out to meet new people via social activities like dancing. They go to insular parties, hang out with core group of friends, or stay home and watch Netflix. Very few are truly outgoing and willing to take the leap and meet new people by themselves. I can count on maybe one hand all the women I’ve met who are like that - and I’ve met thousands.
  • soared 4y ago
    My experience is very different. At least in Denver thousands of men and women move here every month, so coed sports adult sports leagues are filled with single women looking to make friends and meet partners. Similarly, many comments have talked about bars not being a good place to meet single women. From my experience this also isn’t true. You don’t walk up to a girl alone at the bar like in the movies though - you’re friend group mingles with another friend group, and one person in that friend group is probably single. The process is way slower than immediately going and talking to the person you want to meet. But, this is HN so our social skills level is probably one standard deviation lower than anywhere else.
    • goethes_kind 4y ago
      I guess experiences are very location dependent. This career path also makes things harder. Have you noticed how many cities who are known for being IT hubs end up with a huge young male surplus? That also makes things harder in real life. I don't know how it is in Denver.
• meristem 4y ago
  Maybe the problem starts with talking about grown women using "girls".
  • zackmorris 4y ago
    Thank you. My parents were involved in stuff like the National Organization for Women (NOW) while women's rights around abortion and equal pay etc were being attacked under the Reagan administration in the 80s. So I grew up having strong feminist role models all around me. I was taught to treat everyone as an equal, and to speak respectfully. Using terms like police officer instead of policeman, fire fighter instead of fireman, and so on. Think how quaint that sounds today! I'm appalled that pretty much all of that seems to have died since the 90s. Grown women on reality TV call themselves girls. Traditional gender roles seem to be cemented in place by marketing. I see the most chauvinistic, repulsive men being rewarded for being an "alpha". So I dunno, to me it feels like it's over. I don't see a way back to progress when half the population subscribes to gender stereotypes. I feel like I was prepared for an egalitarian world that never came to be. And not just feminism. All of the social justice causes I'm most passionate about, beginning with the destruction of wealth inequality, seem to have fallen by the wayside. It's just all bad news all the time on every front. Maybe there's a silver lining there that it's all fake. Maybe we can shift out of this false reality and manifest a better one. That thought is about all that's keeping me going anymore.
    • inkcapmushroom 4y ago
      Not that I've been on this world very long, but from what I've learned of history I think these things ebb and flow. No culture is naturally permanently fixed towards being "traditional" or "progressive" or whatever label, but cultures are always moving in different directions based on the forces of the day which I certainly won't claim to know.
    • vlod 4y ago
      >Grown women on reality TV... It is worth being careful about judging the present state of society based on social media/marketing (so you buy stuff you don't need) verses reality. i.e. a lot of people are normal IRL but rabid animals on twitter/fb. Nobody with an ounce of IQ should be watching reality TV (it's just grown up (barely) high school drama). In fact watching TV (in general), makes you dumber and angrier. I think there are still a lot of people that care about 'stuff'. Maybe other sources of input would be recommended. e.g. ACLU has regular meetings in big cities. Earth-Justice is big (although not sure about meetups).
• andreyk 4y ago
  "“People just get fatigued. They get overwhelmed with the whole dating process,” said Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who is a senior research fellow with the Kinsey Institute and chief science adviser to Match.com." I don't think this is dating app burnout, this is just dating burnout. Dating apps just make it easy to connect with potential matches (relative to not having dating app burnouts). And if you have dating burnout, take a break from dating! It's nice to just be ok with being single sometimes and enjoy other aspects of life. "Before she deleted the apps, she spent any moments of downtime swiping; after, she found she had time throughout the day to rest. ... But Dr. Turban believes that for some, simply deleting the apps is not enough. “It’s important to understand why the apps are causing problems for you,” he said, adding that therapists can be helpful for sorting these answers out. “Are you using the apps to self-soothe anxiety and inadvertently making your anxiety worse? Are you afraid you can’t attain love, so you’re settling for hookups, and that’s making you unhappy?” ... “People binge, and that is what exhausts them,” " Now this does represent burnout of dating apps, and is a result of just not using them with patience and reflection as to the emotions you associate with them. I generally view dating apps very positively (they, and in particular OkCupid, have led to numerous good relationships and friends) but as with anything it's possible to use them in an unhealthy way.
  • CuriouslyC 4y ago
    The apps are garbage. The old okcupid was the best of them, but still not great, and it's ruined now (also, everyone has moved on to other apps that are worse). They're designed to maximize revenue rather than the happiness of the user. You also have to put in a shitload of work to make a slick profile, an in a lot of people's cases it's well worded bullshit. Profiles should be homogenous in form and style, and should include video Q/A in a fixed format so WYSIWYG. No clever bullshit, no editing images, just videos of your average self answering question.
    • tevon 4y ago
      Go build it then!
      • 4y ago
• AlwaysRock 4y ago
  ITT people who never used dating apps and have been married for years giving their opinion. Jokes aside... Dating apps suck. Generally so does going on first dates. So does interviewing for a job. So does making new/any friends. Lots of things are hard and are a numbers game. The nice part is that HOPEFULLY you only have to hit a home run once. You don't have to become an expert at dating. You just have to try enough to meet someone who is as weird and fucked up as you and wants to spend a lot of time being weird and fucked up together.
  • z3c0 4y ago
    Dating apps do suck, and they likely always will, because they have little incentive to help their users find a long-term partner. Dating apps are "rape-whistle" companies, meaning that if they actually solve the problems that they claim to solve, they would diminish their market. If a given app has been snatched up by Match, it's almost certainly being optimized towards having you addicted to swiping.
  • deleted 4y ago
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  • mrwh 4y ago
    I'm currently trying to buy a house. It sucks! Does indeed feel like a general rule that anything with the potential to improve one's life significantly will frequently be unpleasant to go through.
• jononomo 4y ago
  In my area (Lancaster, PA) the quality of women on Tinder is ridiculously low -- basically 100% of them are overweight single mothers without a college education who put cat ears and sparkles on their profile pictures. I have basically no choice but to move.
  • rdtwo 4y ago
    Sometimes you are fishing in the wrong lake and there are no fish in it
    • draw_down 4y ago
  • savryn 4y ago
    I'm worried about this in the opposite direction, I hate the big city and I want to move rural and buy land etc, but I don't have a partner yet. If I move, as smart/thin/no children yet/no drug problems woman, I suppose I'll stand out right away (and less flatteringly, compensate for some of the legit downsides/difficult nature of dating me...) But the variety of eligible men will be way lower, and I think I'm romanticizing the types available ("maybe some engineer in his thirties will move back home to take care of his aging dad") Hallmark channel thinking, I know... The numbers would be against me and I'll be the fodder for gossip as an 'outsider' right away... Seems you can't make any mistakes in a small town, and petty folks might lie about you even if you don't. The best of the city men (smart, stable etc) want to stay in the city by disposition or are tied there by profession. And some of the best of city men in brains/looks/disposition combo somehow don't want children, so what's the point? Honesty on dating apps requires a lot of intuition about reverse-psychology and theory-of-minding and signaling (which is why average stem-y men often have terrible profiles, but I digress) Women often can't actually just state outright boundaries/goals, as it attracts bad elements that want to push those boundaries, exploit them, or indeed seemingly share your goals but for the wrong reasons. In my case, if you try to filter for men eager to leave the city to homestead, buy a cabin, leave the grind etc, by stating that, it accidentally attracts bad people eager to trap a woman, Kaszinski types (without even the harvard cred lmao). Maybe it's that misanthropy in women (and/or myself) gives me cat lady vibes at worst, but misanthropy in men becomes scary and deranged. Being too clear about a goal like that also scares off decent men who might consider it if they already were in love with you, but not ready to chop wood next month, easier to swipe left on ambivalence. The way to get the perfect intersection of a. wants to leave metropolis, b. wants family, and c. wholesomeness/decency is pragmatically in America just....Christianity. Christians Conservatives have such an easier time of this game, it's a cluster of unspoken boundaries and norms and vibes, that does all the filtering/signaling without outright stating it ("no hook-ups" just invites 'challenge accepted' sleaze, whereas implied christian morality basically signals sex will move way slower, men are far less presumptuous etc etc) It's a cohesive "aesthetic" but it feels super dishonest to me to try to co-opt it for benefits without going all-in. Christian partners would not be happy with my level of actual belief (I'd say 3/10). Regardless, there needs to be a dating app for people who can remote work post-covid who are willing to move anywhere or filter by big general regions. Changing the location on Hinge to talk to people and get the 'lay of the land' in small towns feels dishonest.
• pizza234 4y ago
  > Dating apps just make it easy to connect with potential matches (relative to not having dating app burnouts) I don't know what's the universal experience regarding this, but for me and other people I know, males are extreme disadvantage in the context of dating apps; this applies also to the app that supposedly reverses the roles. I have the suspicion that the elephant is the room is that for men, online dating takes many, many hours (I can't quantify, but an hour a day or so, seems the minimum to me) of effort, often for nothing (I definitely know at least one man who's able to game the system, but he's an exception). This is definitely a recipe for burnout, and it's very specific to online dating . If one wants to find potential mates, any organized activity (sports, etc. - Meetup is perfect) will do; the effort to talk to a potential partner, in that case, is virtually zero.
  • brianwawok 4y ago
    From what I can tell, the dating apps are really really good for "good" looking men, and very bad for average to bad looking men. lucky for me I suppose I got married before dating apps became a thing..
    • bckr 4y ago
      N=1 my friend did very well on Tinder as what I would consider below average in looks.
      • spookybones 4y ago
        How tall is he?
        • bckr 4y ago
          Average height. Grad student with minimal income living at home.
    • causi 4y ago
      That correlates with the data Okcupid published a while back where women rated 80% of men as below-average.
• alistairSH 4y ago
  Maybe I'm just yelling at clouds here, but my reaction was "no shit." I met my wife at a running club. Of my friend group, most met while active in sports or other activities. A few were introduced by common friends on a "you might like so-and-so" basis. And a few met in college. I'm only aware of two couples in my extended friend group who met using dating apps - and both of those were premium subscription models, not freebie Tinder-like apps. Dating apps strike me as a very low-quality (low fidelity?) way to match couples.
  • swatcoder 4y ago
    > Dating apps strike me as a very low-quality (low fidelity?) way to match couples. It's true, but a lot of people don't have the opportunity or patience for those other approaches. If they're not just homebody introverts in the first place, they may already have a pretty saturated schedule/network without many suitable people around to pair off with. This happens to a lot of people as college recedes and life establishes a professional, mid-life rhythm. Dating apps are garbage, but alternatives aren't always practical.
    • akomtu 4y ago
      An idea that hasnt been tried in dating apps is introduction-only dating: you can't spam someone's inbox unless you know someone in common. Such an app could be run by a non-profit. Yes, I still have some naive optimism.
    • JGailor 4y ago
      > If they're not just homebody introverts in the first place, they may already have a pretty saturated schedule/network without many suitable people around to pair off with. Then they really don't have the time for a relationship. Maybe they just want a hook-up, but that also takes time to connect with people and build relationships for something casual. It's all just work, at the end of the day, and a lot of people are unsatisfied with that answer. Things like being on the high-end of attractiveness are like cheat codes, but those people still have to put in effort to connect with people before they get to the fun part.
• deleted 4y ago
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• cjbgkagh 4y ago
  I see people making obvious mistakes on these apps. Probably the worst is narrowly defining what you want and telling everyone else to ‘swipe left’. These apps give you an elo rating (maybe not exactly elo but same idea). So if someone with a low rating swipes left on your profile it really tanks your own elo score. So profiles need to have broad appeal in order to obtain and maintain a high elo score.
• antonymy 4y ago
  Reading this article as a straight man is like listening to a rich friend complain about how they have too many rooms to decorate in their mansion whilst I struggle to make rent in a single bedroom apartment. Particularly this bit >She recommends that app users stop scrolling and talking to other matches once they have found nine people they feel some level of connection with, and dedicate their time to really trying to get to know those people first. Oh, stop at nine? Well I'll let you know when I eventually hit nine concurrent matches. Hasn't happened yet, eight years and counting. I'm sure I'll be able to stop scrolling any year now. It's like reading about a different planet.
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  • pcbro141 4y ago
    These mainstream media articles on dating seem to almost always be completely absent of a man's perspective. Typically focused entirely on the woman's perspective.
    • bilbo0s 4y ago
      I know people here won't like to hear this, but it's women who pay the bills in mainstream media. There are a few male dominated verticals. Sports for instance. But for the most part, mainstream media has to be friendly to its consumers, which is mostly women. Again, there are male dominated niches, and if you consume media in those niches you do note a decided male bias to the content.
      • seper8 4y ago
        More likely its due to the fact that people writing about dating are typically women...
    • spoonjim 4y ago
• pcbro141 4y ago
  Is it just me or are most of these mainstream media dating articles written from a woman's perspective? I rarely see mainstream media discussing the struggles of modern dating from a straight man's perspective.
  • deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
• blitzar 4y ago
  > The toll of dating app burnout Friction burn from too much shagging is real?
• claytongulick 4y ago
  I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear women bemoaning the lack of "good guys" on dating apps. Inevitably when I ask them about their height filters they look at me like I'm dumb and say "oh, only 5' 11" or above, duh". My wife, who is 5' 2" told me she did the same thing and would have never met me online (I'm 5' 9" in tall boots).
  • confidantlake 4y ago
    Saw a youtube segment on this. They were highly offended when a weight filter was discussed but saw no problem with the height filter.
• vlod 4y ago
  TLDR: stop trying to date and make yourself more interesting that potentials will want to date. It might be worth thinking about this the opposite way. Would you want to go out with someone who is so boring that all they do is sit around watching TV and swiping on dating apps? A lot of comments here (it's a numbers game, pay for premium, other "tricks"), is IMHO trying to shortcut/hack the system and is unlikely to get anywhere (or extremely hard). You want to rethink what everyone thinks is the "modern" way to date and do what's worked for 1000's of years. Interesting people with a wide range of interests and passions will not have problems. They will also have a network of like minding people and most likely don't use dating apps. It's worth trying to get into those circles. Here's some tips: - Stop using apps, you're being lazy/boring and unattractive to a partner. Put in the work. - Most importantly stop looking to date. People can tell you're desperate and it's extremely unattractive. Stop asking everyone you see with a pulse out for coffee or drinks. Be friendly and someone who's approachable to have an interesting conversation with, without worrying about the risk of being hit upon. I think women really take notice when people do NOT hit on them and just 'nice'. - Work is off limits. If there are social events be friendly/charming, but never hit on. If they have friends they will introduce you as a 'nice guy'. If you're creepy you'll never get into their circle. - Make yourself more interesting (as other have suggested). Join sport teams, tech meetups, volunteer to help FOOs. Go to art galleries, small music events etc. Do NOT go here to date. Go to be a a more interesting person. If you see a cute person nearby, say something witty or ask their opinion about a painting your both looking at, a sculpture, the bands latest album etc.. (briefly, then disengage, SUPER important). Do not go full throttle and ask them out for coffee/drinks. The idea is to make yourself more comfortable talking to potentials and seem interesting w/o being creepy. It's a skill you have to develop. You can do this everywhere, at grocery stores, bars, museums. Interaction should not be more than 30 secs (no really). This prevents the creepy aspect. Again, you're trying to come across as non creepy and just want their opinion on the best salsa for tacos and move along. - Increase your network of friends in the circles you want. If you friends just smoke weed and play video games that's not ideal. If you're friends play tennis, go to museums, music... great. If not find how you can get into them. Some base tips (that you should be doing that you might not think is important, but helps with the above). This is obvious stuff, but somehow people have forgotten the the basics. - Shower and wear clean clothes when you go out for an event. Maybe I have a better sense of smell, but the amount of bad smells I get from people is ridiculous. - Shave. Most beards and hair fluff just looks silly and scruffy. If you face doesn't look kissable, it just makes everything else harder. If there's a group of men, you'll stand out with a clean face. Note: this is a great way to talk to people in bars. Go up to a group of the opposite sex. (becz they will feel comfortable and less intimidating) and say "My male friends all tell me that women prefer beards. I'm looking to date again and since I'm not going to hit on any of you, it would be really valuable to get some honest feedback from some good looking women." Important "DO NOT HIT ON THEM", be genuine and charming. After they provide feedback, thank them and walk away. Most likely they won't approach you as they are in a group and just want to chat with each other, but if they do, they will be able to find you. - Do NOT wear after-shave. Really it makes people gag and want to run away. - Go to the gym, run, get some dumbbells, long walks, whatever. Everyone could lose 10 pounds and it WILL make you feel more confident. - Don't be a scruffy dresser. No need to go overboard, but you can go far with a nice shirt, clean jeans and SHOES (not fancy, but with black socks). Women seems to notice shoes. All this WILL make you stand out in a group in a "care's about their appearance but not a fop. - Don't have bad breath. Yeah, it's ridiculous for it to be said. - Don't smoke/vape. I know people will have strong opinions, but it REALLY makes your breath smell. I can't even be around people of the same sex who do this. YMMV.
• LesZedCB 4y ago
  people aren't commodities and dating apps juxtapose humans with all other online shopping. the medium is the message here. you scroll to find a new set of pans, and a new partner. not sustainable or humane.
• scotuswroteus 4y ago
  I'm really looking forward to know what hacker news thinks about dating. I definitely come here specifically to escape the rest of the internet, where no one talks about dating. /s
• nightlyhawk 4y ago
  It's crazy how detrimental dating apps like Hinge has been for my mental health these last 6-8 months. I'm relatively pretty good-looking as an early 20s male and I've been on multiple dates but women always have the opportunity to "find someone better". I haven't been able to find a serious partner at all and I might be due to how long I have been out of the dating game but all this liking and swiping makes me so self-conscious and insecure. I've also started balding since I was 20 and it puts that much more pressure on me to find someone through these apps. It's so unhealthy but I don't know what to do anymore. Male pattern baldness is a horrible disease especially since it is genetic and not something that can necessarily be stopped, just slowed down by medications that aren't even effective for me, lol. I hate to think like this but it makes me mad that there are unhealthy and overweight individuals out there with great genetics and I'm just sitting here losing my hair at an unfair age even though I'm very health-conscious and fit. I know for a fact I will have no luck with dating apps if I shave my head and go bald in my early 20s and I might as well give up now. At least when I know that when I go bald by 25 or 26, I can at least delete the apps and maybe I will feel relieved?(probably not)
  • leephillips 4y ago
    You will be pleasantly surprised when you discover how sexy a shiny dome can be.
    • vlod 4y ago
      Lol. How can you not find Captain Jean-Luc Picard [0] attractive!? (Irrespective of what team you play on) [0] https://imagecdn.handitv.com/KDqbG-1644609552-816-blog-picardfrench.jpg https://imagecdn.handitv.com/KDqbG-1644609552-816-blog-picar...
      • nightlyhawk 4y ago
        lol I appreciate all the encouraging words guys, thank you
  • lvass 4y ago
    I gave up dating entirely in my early 20s, before dating apps were a thing. It was nothing short of a great decision. For me the juice isn't worth the squeeze, but a lot of people want it much more than I do, and they end up bitter if they take this path. Solitude isn't easy but it's amazing when you can appreciate it.
• NoGravitas 4y ago
• 10g1k 4y ago
  I was single for a ridiculously long time. Now I'm not. 1) "Looks shouldn't matter!" But they do. You don't need to be a model, but you probably need to be more healthy. I went to the gym almost every morning (missed about 3 days) for a year, got in better shape, etc. Now use a home gym. 2) Be less judgemental. Log, splinter, eye, etc. You're not perfect, so don't expect her to be. 3) Don't be argumentative. The Internet trains western internerds to be argumentative little snots. It's pathetic. Just don't be like that. 4) Ignore the crazy twitter feminists. Actual women like to feel appreciated and respected. Ask about her field of expertise, her hobbies, etc, and appreciate her expertise in those areas. 5) Stay away from chicks with high bodycount. They are a health risk at the very least. If she doesn't respect her body and yours, you're not safe. 6) Have goals and work at advancing your life.
• anotherevan 4y ago
  “As a coffee lover I downloaded the Grindr app. Needless to say it did not go well.”
• reportgunner 4y ago
  What even is a dating app burnout.
• blippage 4y ago
  The article is behind a paywall, so I'm just going to just say the experiences I have heard from other people. I have never been on a dating app. The problem seems to stem from an imbalance of the sexes. Men have found it a soul-crushing experience. Women get an abundance of matches, whilst men rarely get any. There are a few men that get an overwhelming majority of matches, the rest get nothing. It's winner-takes-all as far as the men go. Even that seems to be narrowing. Attractive men who would have gotten dates easily in the past find it increasingly difficult. This would seem great for the ladies, but they seem to face the paradox of choice. With so many good prospects to choose from they have difficulty deciding which one to go for. The result is that all choices seem mediocre. There is a YT vid out there where a US-based Asian male model went onto a dating app. He described the process as brutal. And this is from a good-looking man. His major crime was to be an ethnic. This seems to feed a further decline. The men try to strike up conversations, only to receive one-word answers from the women. The women put in zero effort because, hey, why would they, there is a plethora of suitors to choose from. Except that that's not how meaningful relationships work. There has to be effort from both parties. This leads to men putting in less effort as they realise the futility of the exercise. The women complain that men aren't making any effort, and demurring on things like taking women to dinner and paying for it. After all, why would a man do this when the payoff isn't likely to be worth it? And that's why dating apps are such a sh*tshow.
• JamesAdir 4y ago
  Many great comments but no one addressed major issue. As a single, straight male, these apps are useless for people over 40. I've used to had a good amount of matches and it stopped at 41. Women between 30-40 which I've been previously dated successful, just don't go there. The only ones that are looking for this range are women over 50. That's really made me sad and nervous for a while, but when I finally accepted this I've moved on and stopped using all the apps together.
  • ffwacom 4y ago
    Or lie about your age. I know a 45 year old who puts his age at 39, his dates don’t care.