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How to buy gifts that people actually want

351 points by willpatrick 6y ago

spoonjim 6y ago
This person is a robot or something. They're missing the most important component of value of a gift -- that the value of something is higher when it's a gift from a loved one. If I have a wireless charging dock or a rhyming dictionary or an umbrella that I really love, I love it 2x more if it was a gift from my wife and 10x more if it was a gift from my kids.
- freeone3000 6y ago
  Right, and that's touched on through the value of increasing social cohesion... But if the gift was a rubber chicken instead of a wireless charging dock, it falls into one of those "that's very nice!" categories.
  - im3w1l 6y ago
    I think it's not just increasing social cohesion either. It's also that we like owning things with a story. It becomes a Christmas souvenir basically.
- deleted 6y ago
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- WarOnPrivacy 6y ago
  > the value of something is higher when it's a gift from a loved one. There's pitfalls with this too. A loved one bought me a genealogy DNA kit - because I do tons of genealogy. But I also do IT security for a living. DNA databases are a magnet for powerful bad actors and submitting my DNA to one would introduce new risk to me and my family members. This loved one lives in a world where this sort of risk is invisible to them. There's no simple way for me to explain it to them. Now this DNA kit just sits here, right along with my guilt.
  - therealx 6y ago
    Ugh, I have almost the same issue. I think I'll regift it to someone who understands but doesnt care. Have you looked into the genetic squencing offered at education places/third party businesses? They are a little more expensive (starting at $500, I think.)
    - WarOnPrivacy 6y ago
      > Have you looked into the genetic squencing offered at education places/third party businesses? They are a little more expensive (starting at $500, I think.) For genealogical purposes? I haven't considered it. A bigger picture is I'm not sold on the usefulness of DNA testing in general. Comparison testing shows a lot inconsistency. Most of the lines are fairly well filled out anyway; the big exception is one great-grandfather I'm stuck at. I figure some new records will come to light one day.
      - therealx 6y ago
        Oh, no, sorry, I'm only interested in testing for health reasons. It would indeed be fairly useless for genology except I guess to get a real picture of your overall heritage.
        deleted 6y ago
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throwaway8451 6y ago
My method: I'm paying attention during the year what my relatives and friends are excited about, what they want and/or plan to buy and take a note. Once a birthday, Christmas or another opportunity comes, I only have to pick an idea from the list and actually buy it. Works perfectly. Telling them that you remember that they mentioned it is usually also great. I think it subtly communicates that you care enough about them to pay attention.
- everythingswan 6y ago
  This reveals the joy of gift-giving. I had always shied away from trying hard to find a great gift. I was afraid I would give a terrible, terrible gift (I'm not great at receiving gifts). Someone I dated years ago had a talk with me about the joy of giving gifts and I've worked on improving. It's actually a lot of fun. A little listening and preparation turns you into a thoughtful gift giver. I also find it quite satisfying to sneak around and ask family or friends about what we should get so-and-so. It doesn't always work out well but people appreciate you trying and sometimes you really nail it.
Afton 6y ago
Interesting that they didn't really touch on what I consider the hardest part of buying for someone: domain expertise. If I am known as 'into' something, then the likelihood that someone who isn't also into that same thing will come up with a good gift is shockingly low. I bake bread, for example. A book of 100 bread recipes is basically dead weight to me. I have a friend who is really into knives of various sorts. Even though I'm happy to drop a couple of hundred dollars on a gift (they've been super generous to me in the past), I'm not able to pull the trigger because I feel like the facebook-ad-quality-knives are almost certainly not what they would value. Although... I suppose the point of the article on this point is that if I just asked my friend, they would receive the value of the gift (since I would just be proxying the purchase for my friend, and gifting them the cash). So my refusal to do so is just me maximizing for my own selfish gift-giving goals. Interesting.
- deleted 6y ago
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- bitxbitxbitcoin 6y ago
  Your post really struck a chord with me because I'm the type of person that likes to give books as a gift. As the type of person that would totally give a book of 100 bread recipes to someone that I just know "bakes bread," I'm wondering if you think there are book gifts that someone could get you using that mindset and just a little more thinking about depth of domains. One doesn't need to know anything about baking bread to know that a recipe compilation book is a beginner gift and not something you'd give to someone who has any sort of domain expertise. Similar to how I'm not giving any of my SE friends the Computer Science for Dummies book. I guess what I'm trying to ask is... would a book about baking that isn't basic be a better gift? Even if it isn't particularly something you would have gotten yourself. Examples off the top of my head include a biography about a famous or obscure baker, an in depth book about the science behind baking, a hyper focused book about history of baking techniques, etc. Maybe trying to gain some domain expertise in something your potential gift receiver is interested in - in order to give a better gift - is a gift in itself? Here's a quick way you can get some functional domain expertise in knives to give a better gift to your knife friend (if you want). Depending on if they're into knives as collectibles or for use, I'd suggest finding out which brand(s) your friend favors and then picking up a used knife in a discontinued model from that brand on ebay. Worst case scenario they have it already but even then I bet they'd still value the gift.
werber 6y ago
Removing yourself from the equation is so important. The most recent gift I bought I thought was completely stupid, but it was something someone close to me had abstractly mentioned wishing it had existed (cell phone controlled tea kettle). I openly mocked them for wanting something I found idiotic and told them at the time they were a lazy bum and suggested buying my sensible cheap manual kettle. But I made damn sure to find one, and a power converter to make them happy.
- Chris2048 6y ago
  Buying comical gift is one of the values of gifting. A gift is a sort of communication, in a way.
georgeecollins 6y ago
Gift exchange is undervalued as a custom, at least in America. I am thinking particularly as a business custom. A gift gives you a chance to express gratitude, show your understanding / empathy of the recipient. It also is a great way to make a communication about who you are. That's why gifts of your product or service can be really effective.
- NikolaeVarius 6y ago
  Too bad its synonymous with bribery.
  - Symbiote 6y ago
    That depends on the gift. We receive some at work, generally from Asian clients. Things like traditional fans, alcohol, chocolate, a small print of a landscape. I think we have a policy, if it's under €50 it's not a bribe. I don't know the details.
- closeparen 6y ago
  This is an uncomfortable truth. I am very rarely able to map my understanding / empathy of people onto objects, and it's seriously anxiety-inducing to think about how this signals a lack of understanding or care.
pbuzbee 6y ago
Last year, the adults in my immediate family put a limit on how much we'd spend on each other for Christmas. I think we picked around $20/person, when in the past we probably spent $75-100. This has been good for us, mainly because it lowers the pressure of gift exchanges. There's a big difference between giving (and getting) an unwanted $10 item compared to an unwanted $50 item. The limit removes emphasis from the material value of the item and puts it more on the thought behind the gift. Generally, I think gift-giving culture in the US is out of control and largely doesn't benefit the giver nor the recipient.
- mxuribe 6y ago
  Since around the time of the Great Recession, my siblings, parents, cousins, etc., and I agreed to give gifts to each other only via one of those secret Santa methods with a limit of $40/gift. This has made things so much easier! We only have to gift something to a single recipient, making it less costlier, simplifying the gift idea hassle, and allowing us to focus less on the "shopping bonanza" and more on just enjoying our time together, etc. I can't recall exactly why we started this "tradition" during the Great Recession but it was my Mom's idea...the funny part is that one might assume that one of us was hit by the recession (e.g. job loss, etc.), and that's why we started it...but thankfully none of us was negatively impacted. So, it wasn't because of any impact to any family member. I wonder if my Mom was just being prudent ahead of time? In any case, these secret Santa things are a good idea, not just for friends but also for family!
  - 6DM 6y ago
    Honestly, it's just getting harder to participate without buying a bunch of junk. In my family we're keeping the tradition going, but the gifting part is getting harder as we're getting older. The stuff we want is becoming increasingly utilitarian so we don't want to wait, we'll just buy it on the spot. I'm planning to convince them to do either a secret Santa or a white elephant gift exchange next year.
  - pbuzbee 6y ago
    This is a good idea. A "white elephant" gift exchange is another alternative, though with gifts that are desirable and not just amusing.
topkai22 6y ago
I think they side step this a bit, but please provide the gift givers in your circles with a list. It doesn’t have to be actual specific items you know exist (the cell phone controlled tea kettle is a great example), but it makes life better for everyone as it reveals your preferences. My in-laws moved to distributing wish lists this year and it is so much less stressful.
angmarsbane 6y ago
Everyone in my family puts together an excel spreadsheet with links & notes, ex. If Mom wants a candle she'd either put a link to a specific candle or notes listing preferred brands and scents.
twic 6y ago
The main thing i learned from this article is that there's a remote controlled car that you can control with the N64! If anyone on here is wondering what to get me for christmas, wonder no more.
- war1025 6y ago
  Was it a car that was controlled through the N64 or simply a cheap remote control car with an N64 logo slapped on it? Based on my history of gifts I've received, I would very much expect that latter.
  - twic 6y ago
    Argh! I think you're right! Christmas is RUINED.
blueyes 6y ago
Two of the most under-discussed aspects of gifts are their functions as displays of power and demonstrations of conspicuous care. Robin Hanson’s book The Elephant in the Brain touches on this.
- ghostbrainalpha 6y ago
  Is the display of power, displaying the power of the giver? Or are you gifting power, that the recipient can then display? Thanks for the book recommendation.
  - blueyes 6y ago
    Yes, it is a display of the power of the giver. Many givers do not interpret their own actions in that way, and yet... Native Potlatch culture in the American northwest is a good example of gifts that signal power.
tbirdz 6y ago
What do you do if you genuinely don't want anything? It seems like people don't believe you and keep harassing you asking for what you really want, and then get really frustrated when you keep saying "No, really I don't want anything". Then they either respect your wishes and don't get anything, but seem to harbor some kind of resentment against you in their heart, or they get some random garbage you don't want and call you ungrateful when you don't like it. Really the greatest gift of all would be some kind of exemption from this custom so I don't have to go through this twice a year.
- graftak 6y ago
  Ask for consumables
  - bigbubba 6y ago
    More socks are always nice.
    - therealx 6y ago
      Right! As an adult, I'm sure into the socks that I didn't want when I was younger.
  - mturmon 6y ago
    Agree. Relatedly, services, like massage. Or a few months of flower deliveries. Or for the practical, home cleaning or car detailing. Generally, stuff the giftee might not get for themself.
  - dkarl 6y ago
    This is perfect, because there are good options at virtually every price point for virtually every recipient. Beer, wine, tea, coffee, golf balls, tennis balls, olive oil, vinegar, stationery, art supplies, etc. These are especially good gifts to ask for, since you can clear up any questions they have (do you only use a particular brand of golf balls, etc.) and people like the feeling that every time you use the gift you will think of them.
  - 6y ago
compiler-guy 6y ago
The paper he cites, Waldfogel's "The Deadweight Loss of Christmas" omits one of the most valuable results of gift exchange. Namely, it only considers the intrinsic value of the object give, and not any goodwill or pleasant feelings that the mere act of giving and receiving itself provides. In other words, by focusing purely on the material value of the object given, the paper systematically undervalues the benefits of the entire act itself. Waldfogel himself noted this in a follow up.
- munificent 6y ago
  Yes, and in particular, the deadweight loss has value because it is deadweight loss. "I paid $100 to ship this $10 thing that you could have gotten yourself on Amazon for $10" is another (admittedly strange) way to say, "I care about you so much that you having $10 is worth $110 to me."
  - tshaddox 6y ago
    That sounds more like “I care about you having this $10 thing more than you having $110, $10 of which you could use to buy that thing while still having $100 leftover.”
joshstrange 6y ago
Best gift advice I give regularly: Keep a note on your phone (doesn't matter the app Apple Notes, Google Keep, SimpleNote, Drafts, etc) with a header for each person you want to get a gift for. Throughout the year whenever you hear them say "I love X author" or "I'm getting into Y hobby" then add a little note under their name. These can be as simple as "Coconut La Croix is their favorite seltzer flavor and brand" to as complicated as "They have complained about a slow computer that you know you can upgrade the ram/ssd" and the list goes on. Then when it come time to decide on a gift you have reflect back on our list. It's incredibly helpful for me and led to gifts that have been very appreciated and used over and over. I think back to a dog seat cover I got for a friend after hearing them talk about taking their dog hiking a lot. They called me about a month after they got the gift out of the blue and said something like "I've used this dog seat cover tons of times already and it makes taking the dog so much easier". That cover was less that $30 easy but it was more impactful than if I had spent $100 on them. That same person I got 3 months of BarkBox for them at one point and I heard about how much they enjoyed that for multiple months after the last box shipped and every time I went over they would talk about "Our dog loves this one toy that we go in the box".
- glasss 6y ago
  Been doing this for a while and it's so simple yet so effective. Also fun to just scroll through and remember things about people you love. My gift / interest lists are also a big driver for my pipe dream of a personal CRM or PSA. Would ideally have something like this built in.
  - jamessb 6y ago
    > my pipe dream of a personal CRM or PSA That sounds like Monica HQ: https://www.monicahq.com/ https://www.monicahq.com/
    - jeanofthedead 6y ago
      Or Ruby Receptionists: https://www.ruby.com/ https://www.ruby.com/
thisistheend123 6y ago
Buying a gift is such a 20th century thing. Maybe reaching out to someone on phone or in person, every now and then, in times of happiness and despair, is a greater gift. Dishing out money is the easy way out.
- Mediterraneo10 6y ago
  Gift-giving remains a huge part of courtship in cultures all over the world. One's romantic interest often expects to receive tangible, material gifts, not mere chats or emotional support. Even if one lucks out with a romantic interest that doesn't demand those things, perhaps the romantic interest's family expects one to give those gifts as a sign of a seriousness and financial solvency.
- nicbou 6y ago
  I have a feeling that the practice predates the 20th century by quite some time.
- arkitaip 6y ago
  You really need to do both with people you care about.
- MarkLowenstein 6y ago
  Perfect! The wealthy world has ascended the Maslow pyramid to the point that our itches are no longer scratched by material stuff. Isn't this the situation that spiritual people have been begging for for millenia? Now it's time to move onto people's real problems: loneliness, hopelessness, etc. For those people saying it's an American thing: yes, you're right--we've been on the wealth train for long enough that we've lost that urge to maximize everything. Do we need yet another item that becomes trash? No, we'd rather not waste the money and resources because it's no big deal to have yet another trinket around. And I'm sure the rest of the wealthy world will be with us on this before too long--maybe when a majority of their population didn't grow up combatting scarcity as kids.
1auralynn 6y ago
A few years ago I realized the most important part of gift giving is to devote some amount of time to really focus on a person and think about what they might want or like or need. In my opinion, this is the only part that matters, and if you take the pressure off of yourself for actually giving a great gift, sometimes you end up getting them something great anyway, because you're freed up to really meditate on them as a person. Another tip is to pay attention to what kinds of gifts they give. Many times people just buy others things they want for themselves. e.g. my sister-in-law always bought women earrings, started getting her earrings to great effect!
- nicbou 6y ago
  This is why gift cards rub me the wrong way. I don't want 50€ to throw on top of the pile.
samizdis 6y ago
From the perspective of someone who suffers from gift-choice anxiety, that was a useful article. (Kudos, too, to several commenters here, particularly @afton wrt domain expertise. This is so easy to mess up, especially buying for kids/teens.) But - tangential, I realise - what about asking why we buy Christmas (or holiday) gifts, and especially with a scattergun approach: buy for everyone you know (family, friends, colleagues - driven in some cases by fear that they might have got you something but you haven't got them anything - it gets ridiculous), just because, er, xmas? (Comment here about power and gifts by @blueyes gave me pause for uneasy thought - genuine thanks for that.) I spent quite a few years in places where Christmas wasn't a thing. In a couple of places, Eid was the big celebration, and the emphasis seemed to me to be on hospitality, a lot of food, loads of get-togethers, but not so much on presents. I sort of miss that - and miss the emphasis on charity in the run-up to Eid during Ramadan. Perhaps we have lost something. I'm a fan of the poet Louis MacNeice. Here's an amateur animation to illustrate his section of Autumn Journal which starts, " A week to Christmas"[1], which I voiced quite a few years ago. (I can't find a stand-alone version of the text online.) I am not religious, but the commercialisation of Christmas does make me uncomfortable. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fV5hOWChnE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fV5hOWChnE Edited to add: another amateur animation (same software, now sadly defunct) of Tim Minchin's Christmas song "White Wine in the Sun", which celebrates Christmas from the perspective of an atheist, but which also abhors the hypocrisy of its commercialism: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWQuDtxD2-c https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWQuDtxD2-c
- nicbou 6y ago
  What you describe is the most important part of Christmas for me. I don't think gift-giving should be the main event, but rather an extra after a lavish meal with the ones you love.
LanceH 6y ago
I buy myself stuff and various members of my immediately family take credit for it.
codeulike 6y ago
Stopped reading at 'Nobody Actually Likes Charity Gifts' I understand the social bonds of gift giving but this whole Christmas thing is completely out of hand, so much pointless consumption. The idea of gift giving at christmas is like a good instinct that has been hideously amplified to 1000x what it should be and turned into a monster. I pretty much insist on people giving me charity gifts most years.
- volfyd 6y ago
  With the almost instant gratification of Amazon, I always have the gadgets or clothing I need or want, but donating to one of my favorite charities is always always appreciated.
- dkarl 6y ago
  I feel two ways about it because I'm so similar to my friends and family in terms of the charities I support. I did appreciate, and remember, a charity gift I got from somebody who I knew did not give a damn about the cause that the charity supported, because I knew they did it solely as a gift to me. That felt good.
- willpatrick 6y ago
  Thank you for this comment. have changed the tone of that paragraph which was way too harsh.
- raisedbyninjas 6y ago
  Micro-loan charities like Kiva strike cool balance. The recipient determines if it all goes to charity or if they want to withdraw some of the cash later. The recipient is also involved in the selection process.
deadfish 6y ago
As an adult I find the gifts that I appreciate most are the luxury versions of simple useful things. If I wanted aftershave, chocolate, socks, a phone, a laptop (insert any other typical gift here) I would have bought them. I would not have bought harrods teabags or a cashmere scarf... but everytime I use them they make me smile.
kerrsclyde 6y ago
Some people are quite happy getting nothing. I wouldn't be the slightest bit bothered if never got a present again. I know a lot of people find this hard to accept. [As a footnote I'm not Scrooge I certainly don't mind buying gifts for others!]
kristintynski 6y ago
I made this with the GPT3 api. It’s a gift recommendation app. HTTPS://GiftGenius.AI
- AussieWog93 6y ago
  Hahaha, I typed in a description of my grandpa and it recommended this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/776598899/train-svg-train-vector-train-clipart?utm_source=giftgenius&utm_medium=api&utm_campaign=api https://www.etsy.com/listing/776598899/train-svg-train-vecto...
thebigspacefuck 6y ago
When I was younger my family wrote down what we want for Christmas on index cards then had my dad keep track of who bought what for whom. We eventually started using a site called Giftster instead which has worked great. This way people get stuff they want and nobody ends up buying the same thing.
lastofthemojito 6y ago
Maybe I'm an oddball, but due to a couple of "experience" gifts gone awry, I 'm scared off of them. I got concert tickets for a birthday present, and the day before the concert, it was postponed due to the singer's illness, and eventually canceled. Another time I got tickets to a baseball game on what turned out to be a rainy night. So I got to fight the traffic, pay for parking, etc, to sit through a rain delay, and eventually postponement of the game. That's life, things happen, but now I find myself really iffy about giving or getting experiences.
- elijaht 6y ago
  That seems awfully short sighted. Sure, I think it is really bad to give/get an experience that you don't want (if someone got me tickets to a concert of a band I dislike, I would feel frustrated/guilty). But it sounds like very reasonable gifts that just didn't pan out. Do you not go to baseball games now because of that experience?
war1025 6y ago
> Likewise, the curse of the ‘associated gift’ happens all the time. My mom does this all the time. I remember one year I wanted a lava lamp and a fish tank. Instead she got me a fish tank themed lamp.
- elwell 6y ago
  Might as well train a new GPT for gift giving or a markov chain
ifixitxmas 6y ago
I generally give people things I'd like to have. This year everyone's getting an iFixit Pro Tech Toolkit. They might not need it now or ever but I like encouraging self repair (and often "self" ends up being me).
- every 6y ago
  This. Find something you would like for yourself and that is at least possibly related to the recipient's interests. Makes for much easier shopping...
- dheera 6y ago
  This may not necessarily be good advice. I do a lot of photography. I know exactly what I want, I'm damn picky about it, and I don't want anyone buying gear for me. I know other photography enthusiasts and they have things they want, and it's not the same stuff that I want. In general I'd steer clear of the other person's hobbies unless they have at some point stated exactly what precise product they want.
Sohcahtoa82 6y ago
The worst, IMO, is getting something that's similar to what they asked for, but not quite, and the distinction matters. When I was 10, I really enjoyed Monopoly with my friends, but my parent's set was missing pieces and just overall in bad shape, so I asked for a new Monopoly set for Christmas. My grandma bought me Monopoly Junior, which was an entirely different game, and I was actually upset by it. Years later, when 3D accelerator cards were coming into existence, I really wanted a 3dfx Voodoo card, since so many games required Glide (OpenGL and Direct3D hadn't caught on quite yet) which was a 3dfx proprietary API, and instead I got a Rendition 2200. The article mentions considering what YOU want, but that can backfire. My dad loved electronic gadgets, and wanted to buy me a GPS device in 2010. I had to show him how pointless that could have been since I already had an Android and had Google Maps in my pocket. A few years ago, he bought me this weather monitor that attaches to the roof of my house, with a little tablet-like display to put on my wall or whatever, and it never left the box. Why would I need this $100 device to tell me the current conditions when I can just pull out my phone?
- nvarsj 6y ago
  Sorta off topic but those local weather stations are great in my opinion. Your phone app is usually much less accurate compared to the weather sampled in your backyard. They even predict local conditions pretty well. When I was cycling daily it was so helpful knowing exactly what gear to wear, whereas the weather app was hopelessly inaccurate.
- dbspin 6y ago
  Your examples all speak to attending superficially to another persons request or interests, then half assedly following through. My parents did the same thing, alas.
  - Chris2048 6y ago
    Basically, deciding you aren't worth the X you want, and buying the cheap version, aka "we have X at home; the X at home.."-meme.
- learnstats2 6y ago
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davio 6y ago
When I was traveling for work back in the late 90s, I bought a GustBuster umbrella out of the SkyMall magazine for my brother's HS graduation. He used it all 7 years of undergrad and law school. I may have even used the seat-back phone to order it while flying...
free2OSS 6y ago
My buddy loves taco bell fire sauce. I've been saving my extras all year. He actually buys the containers at the grocery store. Time to see if he likes it. Edit- we don't exchange gifts and we both have plenty of money. Half joke gift, half useful.
- war1025 6y ago
  We went trick or treating with some friends this year and afterward when we were eating the candy, my friend mentioned that he always loved Airheads growing up and was swiping them out of his son's basket. Thinking of getting him a box of them for Christmas just as a "I noticed something you liked" type gift.
  - free2OSS 6y ago
    I do something similar with my wife. She likes various asian sauces for stirfry, how about 15 different sauces! I go a bit crazy when I can spend 20 dollars and be absurd with quantity. My cousins love getting 20 hershey bars or a variety.
chadlavi 6y ago
Thanks, this is a genuinely good blog post. Not too long, not too complex, informative, cited, and with real-world applicability.
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Bokanovsky 6y ago
What we do is have the idea of a present box. When we're out shopping (well in the days when you could go out shopping). If we saw something that would look like a good gift for person X or person Y we'd buy it and put it in the present box. It might be a book or a certain item of some kind. Then when it comes to near a birthday or Christmas we'd check what's in the present box to see if we have anything suitable for them. If not we'd then go through the process of buying something. But the present box has saved us countless times as we'd often buy something thoughtful and put it in there in advance.
Aachen 6y ago
This article makes no sense. It claims I frequently fake positive responses to getting gifts. Being Dutch I fake it less than I probably would in USA culture, but I also just very rarely get a gift I don't want. Is this the norm elsewhere? For me it's just my grandma that doesn't understand what my life is like and gives me a book about local cooking history or some similar crap. Everyone else will remember if I tell them what I actually like and is able to actually go beyond a 1km range for stores, so she's the exception where I don't say what I want and subsequently get crap that I pretend to be thankful for. Everyone else gives me things they think I'll like and they're almost always right. (And a simple thank you suffices, no need to claim you'll treasure this regular blender forever...) It goes on to claim that the giver cares about the aspects surprise, desirability, materiality, and social responsibility. All well and good: I can see myself fitting to those values the way I can see myself fitting to a horoscope. But then the receiving side. The receiver is supposed to care about: - Usefulness: correct. - Versatility: what do I care about it being able to do multiple things if it's already useful? This is a variant on the first if anything and really not a quality in itself. - Quality: what do I care? It was free. If it breaks after a single week, I still got value from it. It's not about how much money the person saved me (three years of not having to pay for my own blender versus one week) but that they knew or figured I wanted the product and took the effort of earning the money to buy it for me as well as the buying itself. What does "is it going to last" matter? At best that's a duplicate of "materiality" but the author tried to claim the values or giver and receiver are completely misaligned so that can't be what's meant. - Whether I asked for it: huh, a gift is much better if I didn't ask for it! Then the giver really thought of something original that I love. The only correct aspect was usefulness but it failed to mention any other aspects I care about in a gift, two that come to mind are: sustainability and surprise (I feel really fake when someone gives me something I asked them to buy for me; instead I have a construction where my girlfriend collects my wishes over the year(s) and passes those on upon request, then I honestly forget about it and am thrilled to get something I forgot I wanted but that indeed I will love). > Bonus: Nobody Actually Likes Charity Gifts I'm sure a friend asked for a donation in their name because they didn't want that. It enabled me to spend quite a bit more on their present as well because I don't mind if some of my own money goes to the cause under another name. Given all this, the conclusion is not as wrong as I was lead to expect, but it also doesn't help me. It tells me to either not bother at all, or tells me to do what I already do (ask them what they want and consider usefulness). It offers no advice on one of the aforementioned (true) problems: wanting to give experiences to those that (probably) like such a gift without the giving moment being an anti-climax. Which brings me to... TL;DR of the article: ask people what they want, make the gift useful to them, or if you can't come up with anything then just give cash to maximize value to the receiver.
onemoresoop 6y ago
I personally abhor receiving trinkets that I really have no use for and although I have a hard time to, I am learning to accept gifts without saying "oh, you didn't have to". I'd say the best thing is to either ask for a wishlist or simply give an amount of money in some form that is not offensive: giftcard etc. But this varies from person to person. Some people like receiving anything at all and consider it as a token of attention. Know your target before buying up gifts. When I tell family and friends "Please! no gifts for me" I absolutely mean it.
autarch 6y ago
I like charity gifts! For many years, I've made enough money that the the things I want are either easily affordable (rock climbing equipment, a gaming console, etc.) or completely unrealistic as gifts (two round trip first class tickets to Taiwan). And this is compounded by the fact that I'm the most expert person among my friends and family on most of my interests. So for many years I've asked people not to buy me gifts for birthdays or other occasions, but to instead donate to an animal advocacy nonprofit (and I'll suggest some to them). I'm _much_ happier to see them spend some of their money improving the state of the world, as opposed to getting me stuff that I don't need or could purchase for myself any time I wanted it. That said, some relatives still get me gifts, but at least they're very usable, like gift cards to my favorite restaurants or book store.
- willpatrick 6y ago
  Thanks for this comment Autarch. On reflection, I wrote that paragraph way too harsh. I've redrafted it now to reflect the reality of yours and other comments like it.
  - autarch 6y ago
    The rewrite is much better. I agree that it's not something you can _assume_ the recipient will like. Even for me, I'd be fairly annoyed with a gift to a charity I don't think is very valuable (looking at you, Make a Wish).
    - wsc981 6y ago
      > Even for me, I'd be fairly annoyed with a gift to a charity I don't think is very valuable (looking at you, Make a Wish). I'd be very hesitant for people giving money on my behalf to charity as well. Many charities seem to mismanage money in a big way, for example by spending lots of money on marketing and paying the leadership big salaries. From other charities I might find their agendas often questionable (Oxfam Novib, Amnesty) or I don't agree with their methods (Greenpeace). Of course there are some decent charities to be found as well. Other people might object giving to charities for other reasons [0]. --- [0]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcqinGqHQCg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcqinGqHQCg
croissants 6y ago
I think there are two main ways to give a good gift: 1) give the person something that they know they want but that they will not buy themselves 2) give the person something they they don't even know that they want. I think 2) is much better than 1), but it's also much harder to pull off.
dheera 6y ago
Generally I give and enjoy receiving edible gifts. They don't take up space, they don't end up stashed away for years, they don't clash with my artistic side, and it's much harder to go wrong. Tea leaves, desserts, those sorts of things are all good gifts IMO. Homemade edibles, even better, even if it's not perfect I value homemade things and as a friend I very much value the fact that you tried. What I really hate (inside) is when people try to buy things related to my interests and hobbies, including electronics and outdoor gear. I'm most picky about those things and there are very specific things I look for in hobby gear that most people outside the hobby wouldn't understand. Also I don't like when people buy household things like silverware and decorations. I have matching sets of those things and if the "intruding" gift doesn't match it will basically sit in a box and never get used.
vincentdm 6y ago
I started a website for charitable gift vouchers where the recipient can choose from a very large and varied list of causes to donate to. It turns the receiver into an active participant. The nice thing is that both giver and receiver are left feeling good and generous, which increases the appeal and hopefully leads to even more vouchers being donated in the future. It’s a local project though (https://www.goodgift.be https://www.goodgift.be). Feel free to steal the idea. Just be transparent and preferably don’t take any commissions on the donated amounts.
Xcelerate 6y ago
Has anyone considered/calculated how much environmental waste these unwanted gifts incur? I tell everyone I either want a nice meal together with them or to donate something in my name to charity. 99% of the time my wish is ignored and I get an ugly shirt or socks that don’t fit.
SergeAx 6y ago
The value of the gift is not its price or utility measure, but attention and respect from the giver. I know that when a person gives me a gift, he/she shows an interest in my joy and happiness. That's just enough. I may use the gift the way it intended to be used to do a gift giver nice in return, even if I really don't need it. Like parents like their children's birthday cards or seashell figurines not for beauty or worth, but for an effort to make them happy. Being that parent for everybody who gives me gifts making my life better. The same is with my gifts: I am choosing them according to my idea of the person's taste and what will make him/her happy. There are universal gifts of flowers (not a lot of people hate the idea of having a bouquet in their room), good wine/champagne/spirit (except for non-drinkers), something tasty (and not very unhealthy). If there is a discrepancy - a reasonable person will always give a hint to avoid the same mistake in the future.
- Freak_NL 6y ago
  The universal gifts you mention are all consumable. This is good; it's the Japanese style of gift-giving. Give something nice, luxurious, and consumable. Fancy fruit/chocolate? Delightful to receive, and completely gone from your inventory without any feelings of guilt after consumption. Fancy spirit/wine/beer? Ditto (only applicable if you know the person consumes alcohol and isn't a problem drinker of course).
grayclhn 6y ago
I've thought about this a lot, and the easiest rule of thumb is, "buy something consumable." Like chocolate, notebooks, wine, etc., that's one or two steps nicer than they'd buy for themselves. (Or than you'd by for yourself.) They'll probably like it. It doesn't take up space. And, worst case scenario, it's trivially easy for them to share or regift if they don't like it. Also, statements like, "Good Gift Giving Is Incredibly Important," are unhelpful and untrue. People already feel too much anxiety about gifts. The worst case scenario is that they don't like it. As long as your present isn't offensive, nbd.
nof1 6y ago
I have found when in doubt give something that can be consumed. Find out their favorite food/drink etc. and just go one step beyond. If they are a tea drinker give a cool tea blend plus a new mug. If they are a beer drinker, give a selection of beers they probably haven't tried + a snack food that pairs well with them. It's not a new iPhone but it shows you know them and it's something you know they will definitely use.
bovermyer 6y ago
"Avoid premature optimization" applies to gift-giving too. There are many areas where you could optimize the gift-giving process. I imagine you could also turn it into a science, with carefully researched formulae and experiment-driven results. This, to me, seems to miss the point a little bit. You're not supposed to give the perfect gift. You're not supposed to generate the optimal amount of joy in the recipient. You are supposed to form a connection with the recipient, and have that feeling reciprocated. That's the real test of a good gift. It doesn't matter if they never use the gift after tomorrow. It doesn't matter if they have the same dollar valuation of the gift as the giver does. What matters is if they genuinely appreciate the gesture and, at least for the moment, enjoy the feeling the gift gives them.
m3at 6y ago
Good advices and a well written article. To add one advice about a common occurrence the author mention: > you might knock it out of the park one year and I might give you something that’s nowhere near as good. Next time, I'm going to want to do much better. This imbalance leads, in part, to the continuation of the tradition When the cycle escalate I like to call that gift inflation. In case it's desirable to avoid it (it often is), simply agreeing to a spending limit helped me a lot. It might be awkward at first because we don't usually talk about the monetary value of gifts, but in my experience with siblings and significant other we're all better off.
senectus1 6y ago
I make a habit of not buying gifts for people if I don't see they have a need for something. A much simpler and cheaper way of going about it.
artur_makly 6y ago
The best gifts are 100% personal , multi-functional, and make everyone feel more special...like these beauties do : https://POPteam.io https://POPteam.io disclosure: im the co-founder who simply modernized warhol’s vision.
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tF73d78kq8t3R6n 6y ago
I’m so happy that there isn’t anyone who gives me gifts. Read my lips: I don’t need more stuff in my house. Likewise, apart from spouse & child I don’t have anyone to buy gifts for. One less responsibility means more peace of mind.
darkerside 6y ago
People don't remember what you said. They don't remember what you did. But they'll always remember the way you made them feel. And if you got them that showboat present that made everyone in the room scream in vicarious delight, you probably made them feel pretty fucking good in that moment, even if they never use it again.
irrational 6y ago
Many years ago (probably about 20) my wife said she didn’t think we should give gifts to each other. Not Christmas, birthdays, anniversary, etc. Nothing. I thought she was crazy, but went along with it sure that she would see the foolishness and change her mind. Well, to my surprise it has turned out to be a fantastic idea. It totally takes the stress out of holidays and other times. If either of us wants something, we just buy it. We still do something to celebrate the occasion (go out to eat for birthday, go to bed and breakfast for anniversary, etc.), but we haven’t given each other a single gift in decades. The only issue we have found is now we are uncomfortable giving gifts to other people. If I’m not going to give my wife (my best friend) a gift for Christmas, why would I give you a gift?
- Freak_NL 6y ago
  Oh absolutely. Nothing nicer than just buying a gift for your partner when you see something suitable, and not bothering with fixed dates at all.
  - irrational 6y ago
    Oh, you misunderstood. When I said that when we see something we want we just buy it, I meant for ourselves. We don’t buy each other gifts ever.
social_quotient 6y ago
Giftology is a pretty solid book I’d recommend The sub head for it is “The Art and Science of Using Gifts to Cut Through the Noise, Increase Referrals, and Strengthen Retention” And while there is a business context to it I found it helpful in just framing the concept of gifts even on a personal level.
SoonRaccoon 6y ago
Here's another twist on this advice. If you make a wish list, try to optimize the list for the gift giver. My brother loves to find the best whatever-it-is for you, so just giving a category optimizes for his gift giving experience. One thing on my list last year was "dice storage", and he got me a really fun dice bag. He got to surprise me, and I got something wanted and actually still use. My sister is a pleaser, and just wants you to get what you want, so I include links to specific things for her. If she is ever unsure what to get, she can just go straight to one of the linked Amazon pages and just click buy. My list is long enough that even if it's exactly what I asked for, I'm still surprised by what she decided to get for me.
nitwit005 6y ago
I tend to view birthdays, weddings, and Christmas as the worst time to give a gift. Your gift is likely to be considered a social obligation (because it is), and people may judge it against other gifts they received. Some wine bottle or home made cookies can have far more impact if given at another time.
chadash 6y ago
The worst is receiving a gift that’s worse than nothing at all. If I buy you a book and you don’t like it, you’ll be put in an awkward position if you don’t read it and I ask about it. If I buy you a painting and you don’t like it, you will be put in an awkward position if you don’t hang out. If I buy you photography lessons, you might feel obligated to attend even if you don’t want to. But if I buy you a bottle of wine, best case you love it, worst case you regift it. If I buy you a gift card to a local restaurant, best case you go there excitedly and order starters and desserts that you may not normally treat yourself to. Worst case, you’ll find SOMETHING decent on the menu. Or even just order takeout. When getting a gift, I always like to think what’s the worst case scenario if the person really doesn’t like it.
anta40 6y ago
"...Ask Them What They Want" Of course this the the obvious answer. But for me, that reduce the "WOW" factor. The question is how to determine the right gift, which mean: 1. You don't spend unordinate amount of cash, 2. The person will appreciate it Without asking him/her questions. Which means you have to understand the hobby/habit of that person pretty well....
markthien 6y ago
wrap cash with gift paper. that's the best gift since the inception of cash
mikequinlan 6y ago
When buying gifts, experiences are almost always better than things.
tsjq 6y ago
Save all the trouble. Gift money. They can buy whatever they want/need/like : groceries, fruits, ice-cream, DSLR, iPhone, Tesla, accesories for stuff they already have, etc. Absolutely full freedom on what to buy, where to buy, when to buy. We need to de-stigmatise / un-shame gifting cash.
- thotsBgone 6y ago
  Imagine everyone in a group of people gifting everyone else in the group $20. Everyone ends up with the exact same amount of money they started with. How is that a good idea? If we're just going to get each other cash, why bother gifting at all at that point?
  - tsjq 6y ago
    Yes
  - srtjstjsj 6y ago
    The everyone gets something they like and tells what they got "from" each other.
odomojuli 6y ago
Gift giving advice: Only give gifts to people who will initially refuse them.
- srtjstjsj 6y ago
  What?
  - deleted 6y ago
    [deleted]
cjfd 6y ago
"For example, if I bought you a gift for $100 and you thought that it was actually worth about $70 it would mean that, somewhere along the line, you’ve destroyed $30. Pop! It's gone. You might as well have just taken your cash and burnt it." I would argue that in that case you have actually given a great gift. They have gotten something they consider valuable considering the $70 amount they would pay for it but a bit too much of a luxury given the fact that it actually costs $100.
Lich 6y ago
When someone gets me a gift, I am thankful no matter what it is, useful or not. I don’t get weighing the value of relationships over material goods.
djsumdog 6y ago
I stopped celebrating Christmas back around 2010 I think? I told my family not to buy me anything, and I wouldn't buy them anything. My parents wrote my name on all the stuff given to nephews and nieces. My dad even offered to give me money and I refused it. Since then, I've had the best winters ever. I don't consume. I don't fret about gifts. If I want to give something special to someone I love, I do it at another time of the year. It might seem grinchy, but I don't feel that way. I feel better about myself for getting away from consumerism. I wrote this nearly a decade ago on shopping and gift giving: https://battlepenguin.com/philosophy/perspective/shopping/ https://battlepenguin.com/philosophy/perspective/shopping/
nyellin 6y ago
The problem with gifts is that if you actually want it and it's worth the money you would have bought it already. (There are exceptions: e.g. parents with more money buying gifts for kids who can't afford them.)
lbrown_21_1 6y ago
Thanks! This guide is really useful!
qwerty456127 6y ago
Everybody just write wishlists so your friends would enjoy rather than struggle every time you invite them to your birthday.
disown 6y ago
That's easy. Go buy them credit card gift cards.

351 points by willpatrick 6y ago

This person is a robot or something. They're missing the most important component of value of a gift -- that the value of something is higher when it's a gift from a loved one. If I have a wireless charging dock or a rhyming dictionary or an umbrella that I really love, I love it 2x more if it was a gift from my wife and 10x more if it was a gift from my kids.

freeone3000 6y ago
Right, and that's touched on through the value of increasing social cohesion... But if the gift was a rubber chicken instead of a wireless charging dock, it falls into one of those "that's very nice!" categories.
- im3w1l 6y ago
  I think it's not just increasing social cohesion either. It's also that we like owning things with a story. It becomes a Christmas souvenir basically.
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WarOnPrivacy 6y ago
> the value of something is higher when it's a gift from a loved one. There's pitfalls with this too. A loved one bought me a genealogy DNA kit - because I do tons of genealogy. But I also do IT security for a living. DNA databases are a magnet for powerful bad actors and submitting my DNA to one would introduce new risk to me and my family members. This loved one lives in a world where this sort of risk is invisible to them. There's no simple way for me to explain it to them. Now this DNA kit just sits here, right along with my guilt.
- therealx 6y ago
  Ugh, I have almost the same issue. I think I'll regift it to someone who understands but doesnt care. Have you looked into the genetic squencing offered at education places/third party businesses? They are a little more expensive (starting at $500, I think.)
  - WarOnPrivacy 6y ago
    > Have you looked into the genetic squencing offered at education places/third party businesses? They are a little more expensive (starting at $500, I think.) For genealogical purposes? I haven't considered it. A bigger picture is I'm not sold on the usefulness of DNA testing in general. Comparison testing shows a lot inconsistency. Most of the lines are fairly well filled out anyway; the big exception is one great-grandfather I'm stuck at. I figure some new records will come to light one day.
    - therealx 6y ago
      Oh, no, sorry, I'm only interested in testing for health reasons. It would indeed be fairly useless for genology except I guess to get a real picture of your overall heritage.
      - deleted 6y ago
        [deleted]

throwaway8451 6y ago

My method: I'm paying attention during the year what my relatives and friends are excited about, what they want and/or plan to buy and take a note. Once a birthday, Christmas or another opportunity comes, I only have to pick an idea from the list and actually buy it. Works perfectly. Telling them that you remember that they mentioned it is usually also great. I think it subtly communicates that you care enough about them to pay attention.

everythingswan 6y ago
This reveals the joy of gift-giving. I had always shied away from trying hard to find a great gift. I was afraid I would give a terrible, terrible gift (I'm not great at receiving gifts). Someone I dated years ago had a talk with me about the joy of giving gifts and I've worked on improving. It's actually a lot of fun. A little listening and preparation turns you into a thoughtful gift giver. I also find it quite satisfying to sneak around and ask family or friends about what we should get so-and-so. It doesn't always work out well but people appreciate you trying and sometimes you really nail it.

Afton 6y ago

Interesting that they didn't really touch on what I consider the hardest part of buying for someone: domain expertise. If I am known as 'into' something, then the likelihood that someone who isn't also into that same thing will come up with a good gift is shockingly low. I bake bread, for example. A book of 100 bread recipes is basically dead weight to me. I have a friend who is really into knives of various sorts. Even though I'm happy to drop a couple of hundred dollars on a gift (they've been super generous to me in the past), I'm not able to pull the trigger because I feel like the facebook-ad-quality-knives are almost certainly not what they would value. Although... I suppose the point of the article on this point is that if I just asked my friend, they would receive the value of the gift (since I would just be proxying the purchase for my friend, and gifting them the cash). So my refusal to do so is just me maximizing for my own selfish gift-giving goals. Interesting.

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bitxbitxbitcoin 6y ago
Your post really struck a chord with me because I'm the type of person that likes to give books as a gift. As the type of person that would totally give a book of 100 bread recipes to someone that I just know "bakes bread," I'm wondering if you think there are book gifts that someone could get you using that mindset and just a little more thinking about depth of domains. One doesn't need to know anything about baking bread to know that a recipe compilation book is a beginner gift and not something you'd give to someone who has any sort of domain expertise. Similar to how I'm not giving any of my SE friends the Computer Science for Dummies book. I guess what I'm trying to ask is... would a book about baking that isn't basic be a better gift? Even if it isn't particularly something you would have gotten yourself. Examples off the top of my head include a biography about a famous or obscure baker, an in depth book about the science behind baking, a hyper focused book about history of baking techniques, etc. Maybe trying to gain some domain expertise in something your potential gift receiver is interested in - in order to give a better gift - is a gift in itself? Here's a quick way you can get some functional domain expertise in knives to give a better gift to your knife friend (if you want). Depending on if they're into knives as collectibles or for use, I'd suggest finding out which brand(s) your friend favors and then picking up a used knife in a discontinued model from that brand on ebay. Worst case scenario they have it already but even then I bet they'd still value the gift.

werber 6y ago

Removing yourself from the equation is so important. The most recent gift I bought I thought was completely stupid, but it was something someone close to me had abstractly mentioned wishing it had existed (cell phone controlled tea kettle). I openly mocked them for wanting something I found idiotic and told them at the time they were a lazy bum and suggested buying my sensible cheap manual kettle. But I made damn sure to find one, and a power converter to make them happy.

Chris2048 6y ago
Buying comical gift is one of the values of gifting. A gift is a sort of communication, in a way.

georgeecollins 6y ago

Gift exchange is undervalued as a custom, at least in America. I am thinking particularly as a business custom. A gift gives you a chance to express gratitude, show your understanding / empathy of the recipient. It also is a great way to make a communication about who you are. That's why gifts of your product or service can be really effective.

NikolaeVarius 6y ago
Too bad its synonymous with bribery.
- Symbiote 6y ago
  That depends on the gift. We receive some at work, generally from Asian clients. Things like traditional fans, alcohol, chocolate, a small print of a landscape. I think we have a policy, if it's under €50 it's not a bribe. I don't know the details.
closeparen 6y ago
This is an uncomfortable truth. I am very rarely able to map my understanding / empathy of people onto objects, and it's seriously anxiety-inducing to think about how this signals a lack of understanding or care.

pbuzbee 6y ago

Last year, the adults in my immediate family put a limit on how much we'd spend on each other for Christmas. I think we picked around $20/person, when in the past we probably spent $75-100. This has been good for us, mainly because it lowers the pressure of gift exchanges. There's a big difference between giving (and getting) an unwanted $10 item compared to an unwanted $50 item. The limit removes emphasis from the material value of the item and puts it more on the thought behind the gift. Generally, I think gift-giving culture in the US is out of control and largely doesn't benefit the giver nor the recipient.

mxuribe 6y ago
Since around the time of the Great Recession, my siblings, parents, cousins, etc., and I agreed to give gifts to each other only via one of those secret Santa methods with a limit of $40/gift. This has made things so much easier! We only have to gift something to a single recipient, making it less costlier, simplifying the gift idea hassle, and allowing us to focus less on the "shopping bonanza" and more on just enjoying our time together, etc. I can't recall exactly why we started this "tradition" during the Great Recession but it was my Mom's idea...the funny part is that one might assume that one of us was hit by the recession (e.g. job loss, etc.), and that's why we started it...but thankfully none of us was negatively impacted. So, it wasn't because of any impact to any family member. I wonder if my Mom was just being prudent ahead of time? In any case, these secret Santa things are a good idea, not just for friends but also for family!
- 6DM 6y ago
  Honestly, it's just getting harder to participate without buying a bunch of junk. In my family we're keeping the tradition going, but the gifting part is getting harder as we're getting older. The stuff we want is becoming increasingly utilitarian so we don't want to wait, we'll just buy it on the spot. I'm planning to convince them to do either a secret Santa or a white elephant gift exchange next year.
- pbuzbee 6y ago
  This is a good idea. A "white elephant" gift exchange is another alternative, though with gifts that are desirable and not just amusing.

topkai22 6y ago

I think they side step this a bit, but please provide the gift givers in your circles with a list. It doesn’t have to be actual specific items you know exist (the cell phone controlled tea kettle is a great example), but it makes life better for everyone as it reveals your preferences. My in-laws moved to distributing wish lists this year and it is so much less stressful.

angmarsbane 6y ago

Everyone in my family puts together an excel spreadsheet with links & notes, ex. If Mom wants a candle she'd either put a link to a specific candle or notes listing preferred brands and scents.

twic 6y ago

The main thing i learned from this article is that there's a remote controlled car that you can control with the N64! If anyone on here is wondering what to get me for christmas, wonder no more.

war1025 6y ago
Was it a car that was controlled through the N64 or simply a cheap remote control car with an N64 logo slapped on it? Based on my history of gifts I've received, I would very much expect that latter.
- twic 6y ago
  Argh! I think you're right! Christmas is RUINED.

blueyes 6y ago

Two of the most under-discussed aspects of gifts are their functions as displays of power and demonstrations of conspicuous care. Robin Hanson’s book The Elephant in the Brain touches on this.

ghostbrainalpha 6y ago
Is the display of power, displaying the power of the giver? Or are you gifting power, that the recipient can then display? Thanks for the book recommendation.
- blueyes 6y ago
  Yes, it is a display of the power of the giver. Many givers do not interpret their own actions in that way, and yet... Native Potlatch culture in the American northwest is a good example of gifts that signal power.

tbirdz 6y ago

What do you do if you genuinely don't want anything? It seems like people don't believe you and keep harassing you asking for what you really want, and then get really frustrated when you keep saying "No, really I don't want anything". Then they either respect your wishes and don't get anything, but seem to harbor some kind of resentment against you in their heart, or they get some random garbage you don't want and call you ungrateful when you don't like it. Really the greatest gift of all would be some kind of exemption from this custom so I don't have to go through this twice a year.

graftak 6y ago
Ask for consumables
- bigbubba 6y ago
  More socks are always nice.
  - therealx 6y ago
    Right! As an adult, I'm sure into the socks that I didn't want when I was younger.
- mturmon 6y ago
  Agree. Relatedly, services, like massage. Or a few months of flower deliveries. Or for the practical, home cleaning or car detailing. Generally, stuff the giftee might not get for themself.
- dkarl 6y ago
  This is perfect, because there are good options at virtually every price point for virtually every recipient. Beer, wine, tea, coffee, golf balls, tennis balls, olive oil, vinegar, stationery, art supplies, etc. These are especially good gifts to ask for, since you can clear up any questions they have (do you only use a particular brand of golf balls, etc.) and people like the feeling that every time you use the gift you will think of them.
- 6y ago

compiler-guy 6y ago

The paper he cites, Waldfogel's "The Deadweight Loss of Christmas" omits one of the most valuable results of gift exchange. Namely, it only considers the intrinsic value of the object give, and not any goodwill or pleasant feelings that the mere act of giving and receiving itself provides. In other words, by focusing purely on the material value of the object given, the paper systematically undervalues the benefits of the entire act itself. Waldfogel himself noted this in a follow up.

munificent 6y ago
Yes, and in particular, the deadweight loss has value because it is deadweight loss. "I paid $100 to ship this $10 thing that you could have gotten yourself on Amazon for $10" is another (admittedly strange) way to say, "I care about you so much that you having $10 is worth $110 to me."
- tshaddox 6y ago
  That sounds more like “I care about you having this $10 thing more than you having $110, $10 of which you could use to buy that thing while still having $100 leftover.”

joshstrange 6y ago

Best gift advice I give regularly: Keep a note on your phone (doesn't matter the app Apple Notes, Google Keep, SimpleNote, Drafts, etc) with a header for each person you want to get a gift for. Throughout the year whenever you hear them say "I love X author" or "I'm getting into Y hobby" then add a little note under their name. These can be as simple as "Coconut La Croix is their favorite seltzer flavor and brand" to as complicated as "They have complained about a slow computer that you know you can upgrade the ram/ssd" and the list goes on. Then when it come time to decide on a gift you have reflect back on our list. It's incredibly helpful for me and led to gifts that have been very appreciated and used over and over. I think back to a dog seat cover I got for a friend after hearing them talk about taking their dog hiking a lot. They called me about a month after they got the gift out of the blue and said something like "I've used this dog seat cover tons of times already and it makes taking the dog so much easier". That cover was less that $30 easy but it was more impactful than if I had spent $100 on them. That same person I got 3 months of BarkBox for them at one point and I heard about how much they enjoyed that for multiple months after the last box shipped and every time I went over they would talk about "Our dog loves this one toy that we go in the box".

glasss 6y ago
Been doing this for a while and it's so simple yet so effective. Also fun to just scroll through and remember things about people you love. My gift / interest lists are also a big driver for my pipe dream of a personal CRM or PSA. Would ideally have something like this built in.
- jamessb 6y ago
  > my pipe dream of a personal CRM or PSA That sounds like Monica HQ: https://www.monicahq.com/ https://www.monicahq.com/
  - jeanofthedead 6y ago
    Or Ruby Receptionists: https://www.ruby.com/ https://www.ruby.com/

thisistheend123 6y ago

Buying a gift is such a 20th century thing. Maybe reaching out to someone on phone or in person, every now and then, in times of happiness and despair, is a greater gift. Dishing out money is the easy way out.

Mediterraneo10 6y ago
Gift-giving remains a huge part of courtship in cultures all over the world. One's romantic interest often expects to receive tangible, material gifts, not mere chats or emotional support. Even if one lucks out with a romantic interest that doesn't demand those things, perhaps the romantic interest's family expects one to give those gifts as a sign of a seriousness and financial solvency.
nicbou 6y ago
I have a feeling that the practice predates the 20th century by quite some time.
arkitaip 6y ago
You really need to do both with people you care about.
MarkLowenstein 6y ago
Perfect! The wealthy world has ascended the Maslow pyramid to the point that our itches are no longer scratched by material stuff. Isn't this the situation that spiritual people have been begging for for millenia? Now it's time to move onto people's real problems: loneliness, hopelessness, etc. For those people saying it's an American thing: yes, you're right--we've been on the wealth train for long enough that we've lost that urge to maximize everything. Do we need yet another item that becomes trash? No, we'd rather not waste the money and resources because it's no big deal to have yet another trinket around. And I'm sure the rest of the wealthy world will be with us on this before too long--maybe when a majority of their population didn't grow up combatting scarcity as kids.

1auralynn 6y ago

A few years ago I realized the most important part of gift giving is to devote some amount of time to really focus on a person and think about what they might want or like or need. In my opinion, this is the only part that matters, and if you take the pressure off of yourself for actually giving a great gift, sometimes you end up getting them something great anyway, because you're freed up to really meditate on them as a person. Another tip is to pay attention to what kinds of gifts they give. Many times people just buy others things they want for themselves. e.g. my sister-in-law always bought women earrings, started getting her earrings to great effect!

nicbou 6y ago
This is why gift cards rub me the wrong way. I don't want 50€ to throw on top of the pile.

samizdis 6y ago

From the perspective of someone who suffers from gift-choice anxiety, that was a useful article. (Kudos, too, to several commenters here, particularly @afton wrt domain expertise. This is so easy to mess up, especially buying for kids/teens.) But - tangential, I realise - what about asking why we buy Christmas (or holiday) gifts, and especially with a scattergun approach: buy for everyone you know (family, friends, colleagues - driven in some cases by fear that they might have got you something but you haven't got them anything - it gets ridiculous), just because, er, xmas? (Comment here about power and gifts by @blueyes gave me pause for uneasy thought - genuine thanks for that.) I spent quite a few years in places where Christmas wasn't a thing. In a couple of places, Eid was the big celebration, and the emphasis seemed to me to be on hospitality, a lot of food, loads of get-togethers, but not so much on presents. I sort of miss that - and miss the emphasis on charity in the run-up to Eid during Ramadan. Perhaps we have lost something. I'm a fan of the poet Louis MacNeice. Here's an amateur animation to illustrate his section of Autumn Journal which starts, " A week to Christmas"[1], which I voiced quite a few years ago. (I can't find a stand-alone version of the text online.) I am not religious, but the commercialisation of Christmas does make me uncomfortable. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fV5hOWChnE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fV5hOWChnE Edited to add: another amateur animation (same software, now sadly defunct) of Tim Minchin's Christmas song "White Wine in the Sun", which celebrates Christmas from the perspective of an atheist, but which also abhors the hypocrisy of its commercialism: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWQuDtxD2-c https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWQuDtxD2-c

nicbou 6y ago
What you describe is the most important part of Christmas for me. I don't think gift-giving should be the main event, but rather an extra after a lavish meal with the ones you love.

LanceH 6y ago

I buy myself stuff and various members of my immediately family take credit for it.

codeulike 6y ago

Stopped reading at 'Nobody Actually Likes Charity Gifts' I understand the social bonds of gift giving but this whole Christmas thing is completely out of hand, so much pointless consumption. The idea of gift giving at christmas is like a good instinct that has been hideously amplified to 1000x what it should be and turned into a monster. I pretty much insist on people giving me charity gifts most years.

volfyd 6y ago
With the almost instant gratification of Amazon, I always have the gadgets or clothing I need or want, but donating to one of my favorite charities is always always appreciated.
dkarl 6y ago
I feel two ways about it because I'm so similar to my friends and family in terms of the charities I support. I did appreciate, and remember, a charity gift I got from somebody who I knew did not give a damn about the cause that the charity supported, because I knew they did it solely as a gift to me. That felt good.
willpatrick 6y ago
Thank you for this comment. have changed the tone of that paragraph which was way too harsh.
raisedbyninjas 6y ago
Micro-loan charities like Kiva strike cool balance. The recipient determines if it all goes to charity or if they want to withdraw some of the cash later. The recipient is also involved in the selection process.

deadfish 6y ago

As an adult I find the gifts that I appreciate most are the luxury versions of simple useful things. If I wanted aftershave, chocolate, socks, a phone, a laptop (insert any other typical gift here) I would have bought them. I would not have bought harrods teabags or a cashmere scarf... but everytime I use them they make me smile.

kerrsclyde 6y ago

Some people are quite happy getting nothing. I wouldn't be the slightest bit bothered if never got a present again. I know a lot of people find this hard to accept. [As a footnote I'm not Scrooge I certainly don't mind buying gifts for others!]

kristintynski 6y ago

I made this with the GPT3 api. It’s a gift recommendation app. HTTPS://GiftGenius.AI

AussieWog93 6y ago
Hahaha, I typed in a description of my grandpa and it recommended this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/776598899/train-svg-train-vector-train-clipart?utm_source=giftgenius&utm_medium=api&utm_campaign=api https://www.etsy.com/listing/776598899/train-svg-train-vecto...

thebigspacefuck 6y ago

When I was younger my family wrote down what we want for Christmas on index cards then had my dad keep track of who bought what for whom. We eventually started using a site called Giftster instead which has worked great. This way people get stuff they want and nobody ends up buying the same thing.

lastofthemojito 6y ago

Maybe I'm an oddball, but due to a couple of "experience" gifts gone awry, I 'm scared off of them. I got concert tickets for a birthday present, and the day before the concert, it was postponed due to the singer's illness, and eventually canceled. Another time I got tickets to a baseball game on what turned out to be a rainy night. So I got to fight the traffic, pay for parking, etc, to sit through a rain delay, and eventually postponement of the game. That's life, things happen, but now I find myself really iffy about giving or getting experiences.

elijaht 6y ago
That seems awfully short sighted. Sure, I think it is really bad to give/get an experience that you don't want (if someone got me tickets to a concert of a band I dislike, I would feel frustrated/guilty). But it sounds like very reasonable gifts that just didn't pan out. Do you not go to baseball games now because of that experience?

war1025 6y ago

> Likewise, the curse of the ‘associated gift’ happens all the time. My mom does this all the time. I remember one year I wanted a lava lamp and a fish tank. Instead she got me a fish tank themed lamp.

elwell 6y ago
Might as well train a new GPT for gift giving or a markov chain

ifixitxmas 6y ago

I generally give people things I'd like to have. This year everyone's getting an iFixit Pro Tech Toolkit. They might not need it now or ever but I like encouraging self repair (and often "self" ends up being me).

every 6y ago
This. Find something you would like for yourself and that is at least possibly related to the recipient's interests. Makes for much easier shopping...
dheera 6y ago
This may not necessarily be good advice. I do a lot of photography. I know exactly what I want, I'm damn picky about it, and I don't want anyone buying gear for me. I know other photography enthusiasts and they have things they want, and it's not the same stuff that I want. In general I'd steer clear of the other person's hobbies unless they have at some point stated exactly what precise product they want.

Sohcahtoa82 6y ago

The worst, IMO, is getting something that's similar to what they asked for, but not quite, and the distinction matters. When I was 10, I really enjoyed Monopoly with my friends, but my parent's set was missing pieces and just overall in bad shape, so I asked for a new Monopoly set for Christmas. My grandma bought me Monopoly Junior, which was an entirely different game, and I was actually upset by it. Years later, when 3D accelerator cards were coming into existence, I really wanted a 3dfx Voodoo card, since so many games required Glide (OpenGL and Direct3D hadn't caught on quite yet) which was a 3dfx proprietary API, and instead I got a Rendition 2200. The article mentions considering what YOU want, but that can backfire. My dad loved electronic gadgets, and wanted to buy me a GPS device in 2010. I had to show him how pointless that could have been since I already had an Android and had Google Maps in my pocket. A few years ago, he bought me this weather monitor that attaches to the roof of my house, with a little tablet-like display to put on my wall or whatever, and it never left the box. Why would I need this $100 device to tell me the current conditions when I can just pull out my phone?

nvarsj 6y ago
Sorta off topic but those local weather stations are great in my opinion. Your phone app is usually much less accurate compared to the weather sampled in your backyard. They even predict local conditions pretty well. When I was cycling daily it was so helpful knowing exactly what gear to wear, whereas the weather app was hopelessly inaccurate.
dbspin 6y ago
Your examples all speak to attending superficially to another persons request or interests, then half assedly following through. My parents did the same thing, alas.
- Chris2048 6y ago
  Basically, deciding you aren't worth the X you want, and buying the cheap version, aka "we have X at home; the X at home.."-meme.
learnstats2 6y ago

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davio 6y ago

When I was traveling for work back in the late 90s, I bought a GustBuster umbrella out of the SkyMall magazine for my brother's HS graduation. He used it all 7 years of undergrad and law school. I may have even used the seat-back phone to order it while flying...

free2OSS 6y ago

My buddy loves taco bell fire sauce. I've been saving my extras all year. He actually buys the containers at the grocery store. Time to see if he likes it. Edit- we don't exchange gifts and we both have plenty of money. Half joke gift, half useful.

war1025 6y ago
We went trick or treating with some friends this year and afterward when we were eating the candy, my friend mentioned that he always loved Airheads growing up and was swiping them out of his son's basket. Thinking of getting him a box of them for Christmas just as a "I noticed something you liked" type gift.
- free2OSS 6y ago
  I do something similar with my wife. She likes various asian sauces for stirfry, how about 15 different sauces! I go a bit crazy when I can spend 20 dollars and be absurd with quantity. My cousins love getting 20 hershey bars or a variety.

chadlavi 6y ago

Thanks, this is a genuinely good blog post. Not too long, not too complex, informative, cited, and with real-world applicability.

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Bokanovsky 6y ago

What we do is have the idea of a present box. When we're out shopping (well in the days when you could go out shopping). If we saw something that would look like a good gift for person X or person Y we'd buy it and put it in the present box. It might be a book or a certain item of some kind. Then when it comes to near a birthday or Christmas we'd check what's in the present box to see if we have anything suitable for them. If not we'd then go through the process of buying something. But the present box has saved us countless times as we'd often buy something thoughtful and put it in there in advance.

Aachen 6y ago

This article makes no sense. It claims I frequently fake positive responses to getting gifts. Being Dutch I fake it less than I probably would in USA culture, but I also just very rarely get a gift I don't want. Is this the norm elsewhere? For me it's just my grandma that doesn't understand what my life is like and gives me a book about local cooking history or some similar crap. Everyone else will remember if I tell them what I actually like and is able to actually go beyond a 1km range for stores, so she's the exception where I don't say what I want and subsequently get crap that I pretend to be thankful for. Everyone else gives me things they think I'll like and they're almost always right. (And a simple thank you suffices, no need to claim you'll treasure this regular blender forever...) It goes on to claim that the giver cares about the aspects surprise, desirability, materiality, and social responsibility. All well and good: I can see myself fitting to those values the way I can see myself fitting to a horoscope. But then the receiving side. The receiver is supposed to care about: - Usefulness: correct. - Versatility: what do I care about it being able to do multiple things if it's already useful? This is a variant on the first if anything and really not a quality in itself. - Quality: what do I care? It was free. If it breaks after a single week, I still got value from it. It's not about how much money the person saved me (three years of not having to pay for my own blender versus one week) but that they knew or figured I wanted the product and took the effort of earning the money to buy it for me as well as the buying itself. What does "is it going to last" matter? At best that's a duplicate of "materiality" but the author tried to claim the values or giver and receiver are completely misaligned so that can't be what's meant. - Whether I asked for it: huh, a gift is much better if I didn't ask for it! Then the giver really thought of something original that I love. The only correct aspect was usefulness but it failed to mention any other aspects I care about in a gift, two that come to mind are: sustainability and surprise (I feel really fake when someone gives me something I asked them to buy for me; instead I have a construction where my girlfriend collects my wishes over the year(s) and passes those on upon request, then I honestly forget about it and am thrilled to get something I forgot I wanted but that indeed I will love). > Bonus: Nobody Actually Likes Charity Gifts I'm sure a friend asked for a donation in their name because they didn't want that. It enabled me to spend quite a bit more on their present as well because I don't mind if some of my own money goes to the cause under another name. Given all this, the conclusion is not as wrong as I was lead to expect, but it also doesn't help me. It tells me to either not bother at all, or tells me to do what I already do (ask them what they want and consider usefulness). It offers no advice on one of the aforementioned (true) problems: wanting to give experiences to those that (probably) like such a gift without the giving moment being an anti-climax. Which brings me to... TL;DR of the article: ask people what they want, make the gift useful to them, or if you can't come up with anything then just give cash to maximize value to the receiver.

onemoresoop 6y ago

I personally abhor receiving trinkets that I really have no use for and although I have a hard time to, I am learning to accept gifts without saying "oh, you didn't have to". I'd say the best thing is to either ask for a wishlist or simply give an amount of money in some form that is not offensive: giftcard etc. But this varies from person to person. Some people like receiving anything at all and consider it as a token of attention. Know your target before buying up gifts. When I tell family and friends "Please! no gifts for me" I absolutely mean it.

autarch 6y ago

I like charity gifts! For many years, I've made enough money that the the things I want are either easily affordable (rock climbing equipment, a gaming console, etc.) or completely unrealistic as gifts (two round trip first class tickets to Taiwan). And this is compounded by the fact that I'm the most expert person among my friends and family on most of my interests. So for many years I've asked people not to buy me gifts for birthdays or other occasions, but to instead donate to an animal advocacy nonprofit (and I'll suggest some to them). I'm _much_ happier to see them spend some of their money improving the state of the world, as opposed to getting me stuff that I don't need or could purchase for myself any time I wanted it. That said, some relatives still get me gifts, but at least they're very usable, like gift cards to my favorite restaurants or book store.

willpatrick 6y ago
Thanks for this comment Autarch. On reflection, I wrote that paragraph way too harsh. I've redrafted it now to reflect the reality of yours and other comments like it.
- autarch 6y ago
  The rewrite is much better. I agree that it's not something you can _assume_ the recipient will like. Even for me, I'd be fairly annoyed with a gift to a charity I don't think is very valuable (looking at you, Make a Wish).
  - wsc981 6y ago
    > Even for me, I'd be fairly annoyed with a gift to a charity I don't think is very valuable (looking at you, Make a Wish). I'd be very hesitant for people giving money on my behalf to charity as well. Many charities seem to mismanage money in a big way, for example by spending lots of money on marketing and paying the leadership big salaries. From other charities I might find their agendas often questionable (Oxfam Novib, Amnesty) or I don't agree with their methods (Greenpeace). Of course there are some decent charities to be found as well. Other people might object giving to charities for other reasons [0]. --- [0]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcqinGqHQCg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcqinGqHQCg

croissants 6y ago

I think there are two main ways to give a good gift: 1) give the person something that they know they want but that they will not buy themselves 2) give the person something they they don't even know that they want. I think 2) is much better than 1), but it's also much harder to pull off.

dheera 6y ago

Generally I give and enjoy receiving edible gifts. They don't take up space, they don't end up stashed away for years, they don't clash with my artistic side, and it's much harder to go wrong. Tea leaves, desserts, those sorts of things are all good gifts IMO. Homemade edibles, even better, even if it's not perfect I value homemade things and as a friend I very much value the fact that you tried. What I really hate (inside) is when people try to buy things related to my interests and hobbies, including electronics and outdoor gear. I'm most picky about those things and there are very specific things I look for in hobby gear that most people outside the hobby wouldn't understand. Also I don't like when people buy household things like silverware and decorations. I have matching sets of those things and if the "intruding" gift doesn't match it will basically sit in a box and never get used.

vincentdm 6y ago

I started a website for charitable gift vouchers where the recipient can choose from a very large and varied list of causes to donate to. It turns the receiver into an active participant. The nice thing is that both giver and receiver are left feeling good and generous, which increases the appeal and hopefully leads to even more vouchers being donated in the future. It’s a local project though (https://www.goodgift.be https://www.goodgift.be). Feel free to steal the idea. Just be transparent and preferably don’t take any commissions on the donated amounts.

Xcelerate 6y ago

Has anyone considered/calculated how much environmental waste these unwanted gifts incur? I tell everyone I either want a nice meal together with them or to donate something in my name to charity. 99% of the time my wish is ignored and I get an ugly shirt or socks that don’t fit.

SergeAx 6y ago

The value of the gift is not its price or utility measure, but attention and respect from the giver. I know that when a person gives me a gift, he/she shows an interest in my joy and happiness. That's just enough. I may use the gift the way it intended to be used to do a gift giver nice in return, even if I really don't need it. Like parents like their children's birthday cards or seashell figurines not for beauty or worth, but for an effort to make them happy. Being that parent for everybody who gives me gifts making my life better. The same is with my gifts: I am choosing them according to my idea of the person's taste and what will make him/her happy. There are universal gifts of flowers (not a lot of people hate the idea of having a bouquet in their room), good wine/champagne/spirit (except for non-drinkers), something tasty (and not very unhealthy). If there is a discrepancy - a reasonable person will always give a hint to avoid the same mistake in the future.

Freak_NL 6y ago
The universal gifts you mention are all consumable. This is good; it's the Japanese style of gift-giving. Give something nice, luxurious, and consumable. Fancy fruit/chocolate? Delightful to receive, and completely gone from your inventory without any feelings of guilt after consumption. Fancy spirit/wine/beer? Ditto (only applicable if you know the person consumes alcohol and isn't a problem drinker of course).

grayclhn 6y ago

I've thought about this a lot, and the easiest rule of thumb is, "buy something consumable." Like chocolate, notebooks, wine, etc., that's one or two steps nicer than they'd buy for themselves. (Or than you'd by for yourself.) They'll probably like it. It doesn't take up space. And, worst case scenario, it's trivially easy for them to share or regift if they don't like it. Also, statements like, "Good Gift Giving Is Incredibly Important," are unhelpful and untrue. People already feel too much anxiety about gifts. The worst case scenario is that they don't like it. As long as your present isn't offensive, nbd.

nof1 6y ago

I have found when in doubt give something that can be consumed. Find out their favorite food/drink etc. and just go one step beyond. If they are a tea drinker give a cool tea blend plus a new mug. If they are a beer drinker, give a selection of beers they probably haven't tried + a snack food that pairs well with them. It's not a new iPhone but it shows you know them and it's something you know they will definitely use.

bovermyer 6y ago

"Avoid premature optimization" applies to gift-giving too. There are many areas where you could optimize the gift-giving process. I imagine you could also turn it into a science, with carefully researched formulae and experiment-driven results. This, to me, seems to miss the point a little bit. You're not supposed to give the perfect gift. You're not supposed to generate the optimal amount of joy in the recipient. You are supposed to form a connection with the recipient, and have that feeling reciprocated. That's the real test of a good gift. It doesn't matter if they never use the gift after tomorrow. It doesn't matter if they have the same dollar valuation of the gift as the giver does. What matters is if they genuinely appreciate the gesture and, at least for the moment, enjoy the feeling the gift gives them.

m3at 6y ago

Good advices and a well written article. To add one advice about a common occurrence the author mention: > you might knock it out of the park one year and I might give you something that’s nowhere near as good. Next time, I'm going to want to do much better. This imbalance leads, in part, to the continuation of the tradition When the cycle escalate I like to call that gift inflation. In case it's desirable to avoid it (it often is), simply agreeing to a spending limit helped me a lot. It might be awkward at first because we don't usually talk about the monetary value of gifts, but in my experience with siblings and significant other we're all better off.

senectus1 6y ago

I make a habit of not buying gifts for people if I don't see they have a need for something. A much simpler and cheaper way of going about it.

artur_makly 6y ago

The best gifts are 100% personal , multi-functional, and make everyone feel more special...like these beauties do : https://POPteam.io https://POPteam.io disclosure: im the co-founder who simply modernized warhol’s vision.

deleted 6y ago

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tF73d78kq8t3R6n 6y ago

I’m so happy that there isn’t anyone who gives me gifts. Read my lips: I don’t need more stuff in my house. Likewise, apart from spouse & child I don’t have anyone to buy gifts for. One less responsibility means more peace of mind.

darkerside 6y ago

People don't remember what you said. They don't remember what you did. But they'll always remember the way you made them feel. And if you got them that showboat present that made everyone in the room scream in vicarious delight, you probably made them feel pretty fucking good in that moment, even if they never use it again.

irrational 6y ago

Many years ago (probably about 20) my wife said she didn’t think we should give gifts to each other. Not Christmas, birthdays, anniversary, etc. Nothing. I thought she was crazy, but went along with it sure that she would see the foolishness and change her mind. Well, to my surprise it has turned out to be a fantastic idea. It totally takes the stress out of holidays and other times. If either of us wants something, we just buy it. We still do something to celebrate the occasion (go out to eat for birthday, go to bed and breakfast for anniversary, etc.), but we haven’t given each other a single gift in decades. The only issue we have found is now we are uncomfortable giving gifts to other people. If I’m not going to give my wife (my best friend) a gift for Christmas, why would I give you a gift?

Freak_NL 6y ago
Oh absolutely. Nothing nicer than just buying a gift for your partner when you see something suitable, and not bothering with fixed dates at all.
- irrational 6y ago
  Oh, you misunderstood. When I said that when we see something we want we just buy it, I meant for ourselves. We don’t buy each other gifts ever.

social_quotient 6y ago

Giftology is a pretty solid book I’d recommend The sub head for it is “The Art and Science of Using Gifts to Cut Through the Noise, Increase Referrals, and Strengthen Retention” And while there is a business context to it I found it helpful in just framing the concept of gifts even on a personal level.

SoonRaccoon 6y ago

Here's another twist on this advice. If you make a wish list, try to optimize the list for the gift giver. My brother loves to find the best whatever-it-is for you, so just giving a category optimizes for his gift giving experience. One thing on my list last year was "dice storage", and he got me a really fun dice bag. He got to surprise me, and I got something wanted and actually still use. My sister is a pleaser, and just wants you to get what you want, so I include links to specific things for her. If she is ever unsure what to get, she can just go straight to one of the linked Amazon pages and just click buy. My list is long enough that even if it's exactly what I asked for, I'm still surprised by what she decided to get for me.

nitwit005 6y ago

I tend to view birthdays, weddings, and Christmas as the worst time to give a gift. Your gift is likely to be considered a social obligation (because it is), and people may judge it against other gifts they received. Some wine bottle or home made cookies can have far more impact if given at another time.

chadash 6y ago

The worst is receiving a gift that’s worse than nothing at all. If I buy you a book and you don’t like it, you’ll be put in an awkward position if you don’t read it and I ask about it. If I buy you a painting and you don’t like it, you will be put in an awkward position if you don’t hang out. If I buy you photography lessons, you might feel obligated to attend even if you don’t want to. But if I buy you a bottle of wine, best case you love it, worst case you regift it. If I buy you a gift card to a local restaurant, best case you go there excitedly and order starters and desserts that you may not normally treat yourself to. Worst case, you’ll find SOMETHING decent on the menu. Or even just order takeout. When getting a gift, I always like to think what’s the worst case scenario if the person really doesn’t like it.

anta40 6y ago

"...Ask Them What They Want" Of course this the the obvious answer. But for me, that reduce the "WOW" factor. The question is how to determine the right gift, which mean: 1. You don't spend unordinate amount of cash, 2. The person will appreciate it Without asking him/her questions. Which means you have to understand the hobby/habit of that person pretty well....

markthien 6y ago

wrap cash with gift paper. that's the best gift since the inception of cash

mikequinlan 6y ago

When buying gifts, experiences are almost always better than things.

tsjq 6y ago

Save all the trouble. Gift money. They can buy whatever they want/need/like : groceries, fruits, ice-cream, DSLR, iPhone, Tesla, accesories for stuff they already have, etc. Absolutely full freedom on what to buy, where to buy, when to buy. We need to de-stigmatise / un-shame gifting cash.

thotsBgone 6y ago
Imagine everyone in a group of people gifting everyone else in the group $20. Everyone ends up with the exact same amount of money they started with. How is that a good idea? If we're just going to get each other cash, why bother gifting at all at that point?
- tsjq 6y ago
  Yes
- srtjstjsj 6y ago
  The everyone gets something they like and tells what they got "from" each other.

odomojuli 6y ago

Gift giving advice: Only give gifts to people who will initially refuse them.

srtjstjsj 6y ago
What?
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]

cjfd 6y ago

"For example, if I bought you a gift for $100 and you thought that it was actually worth about $70 it would mean that, somewhere along the line, you’ve destroyed $30. Pop! It's gone. You might as well have just taken your cash and burnt it." I would argue that in that case you have actually given a great gift. They have gotten something they consider valuable considering the $70 amount they would pay for it but a bit too much of a luxury given the fact that it actually costs $100.

Lich 6y ago

When someone gets me a gift, I am thankful no matter what it is, useful or not. I don’t get weighing the value of relationships over material goods.

djsumdog 6y ago

I stopped celebrating Christmas back around 2010 I think? I told my family not to buy me anything, and I wouldn't buy them anything. My parents wrote my name on all the stuff given to nephews and nieces. My dad even offered to give me money and I refused it. Since then, I've had the best winters ever. I don't consume. I don't fret about gifts. If I want to give something special to someone I love, I do it at another time of the year. It might seem grinchy, but I don't feel that way. I feel better about myself for getting away from consumerism. I wrote this nearly a decade ago on shopping and gift giving: https://battlepenguin.com/philosophy/perspective/shopping/ https://battlepenguin.com/philosophy/perspective/shopping/

nyellin 6y ago

The problem with gifts is that if you actually want it and it's worth the money you would have bought it already. (There are exceptions: e.g. parents with more money buying gifts for kids who can't afford them.)

lbrown_21_1 6y ago

Thanks! This guide is really useful!

qwerty456127 6y ago

Everybody just write wishlists so your friends would enjoy rather than struggle every time you invite them to your birthday.

disown 6y ago

That's easy. Go buy them credit card gift cards.