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Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

• andymoe 7y ago
  Yes, it's common especially in places where it goes un-checked. One idea that can work to start to change this behavior is to verbalize when someone else is cut off. "Bob, it sounded like you were had something to add." If you start helping others get a word in some folks will start to get the message. Another, more direct approach, is feedback to those that keep cutting folks off. Finally, you can push for "retro" type meetings where you bring up this kind of thing. If you are feeling this way fore sure others are and you will start to see retention issues and a company filled with a mono culture of folks. The keyword to look into is "psychological safety" and how to foster that.
  • stcredzero 7y ago
    I don't think it's best to think of this in terms of "safety." Interruption is a dark pattern. It enables the user of the pattern to gain more attention and get more "turns" at speaking, but does it at the expense of group members being able to express complicated or difficult concepts. It's a pattern which suppresses thought and information.
    • asfarley 7y ago
      Do you see the value in interrupt-based software? Why should there be any real distinction between software message-passing and human message-passing? The complete rejection of interruption-during-conversation is equivalent to the denial of existence of far-too-long monologues, isn't it?
      • tchaffee 7y ago
        "Excuse me this is taking too long, please wrap up" is not the same as taking over the conversation.
    • andymoe 7y ago
      Totally agree it can be a dark pattern but also sometimes folks just don’t realize their behaviors consequences on those around them. To clarify, pushing the org in the direction of fostering “physiological safety” allows folks to bring things like this up without fear of reprisal. (Google for studies on the term) When issues are surfaced they are more likely to be addressed and the company or team can become more effective since more folks have an opportunity to contribute fully rather than shutting down to protect themselves as the original post describes. Turns out effective human interaction is good for business.
• ziddoap 7y ago
  Anecdotally, this seems fairly common but perhaps not to the same intensity that you've alluded. The way I helped curb this at my workplace, which may or may not be applicable to you, was by always back-tracking to the person who was cut off. X starts saying something, Y cuts them off. As soon as Y is done speaking, I ask X: "Sorry X, what were you saying?" while ignoring Y. This non-confrontational approach seemed to work, at least in my workplace. Y quickly began to realize that they were cutting off X and that the table was interested in what X had to say. Unfortunately this requires two people. If you are the one being cut off, without someone else to step in, this is a hard problem to deal with.
  • williamdclt 7y ago
    I'm not a fan of the passive-aggressivity of this. I'd rather somebody explicitely say "sorry Y, can you please let X finish?" and talk to Y one-to-one if it's a recurrent issue
    • danbolt 7y ago
      Really? It strikes me as a great way of not validating the interruption to me.
• duxup 7y ago
  I worked at a place like that. I wasn't even aware of the problem. It was just how things were. One day our director called a meeting and announced that our whole department had a serious issue with interrupting. He noted the results of interrupting each other (not hearing each other out, drifting off topic, just being seen by the rest of the company as jerks). He laid out a bunch of rules for meetings, discussions, etc and he policed them for a few months. It mostly worked as everyone (even the interrupters) saw the benefits pretty fast and the urge to interrupt seemed to fade as everyone knew they'd get to get all their words out of their mouth when it was their turn. Meetings even went faster. Might be worth probing if your manager or any leadership feel like it is a problem / what the impact of this communication style is.
  • mrdependable 7y ago
    That director sounds awesome. Wish managers at the place I used to work at actually followed through with initiatives / cared.
  • icedchai 7y ago
    What do you do when the director / manager is actually the one doing the interrupting?
    • Tagbert 7y ago
      You can still bring it up to them as a problem that you have noticed where "some people" get overeager and interrupt others. mention the downsides and ask if he can help change the culture. You don't have to point the finger at him and it helps to enlist his help rather than complain.
      • andrewflnr 7y ago
        You can try, but unless they (perhaps privately) realize they're part of the problem, I expect they'll end up verbally condemning interruptions while sabotaging any real attempts to curtail it, largely but not entirely by continuing to set a bad example. Is there a way to make this strategy actually work? By which I mean, have people actually seen it work in the long term? I'd love to be proven wrong.
• aurizon 7y ago
  Much of what you describe is covered in this search termset. Juries have the same problem, the Loud Howard's over shadow the intelligent jurors. https://www.google.com/search?ei=2jMuXeWVCa-OggekrZnoBw&q=defeat+Loud+Howard&oq=defeat+Loud+Howard&gs_l=psy-ab.3...55493.62437..64099...0.0..0.106.1659.17j2......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j35i304i39j0i67j0i7i30j0j0i13j0i13i5i30.e0XSznBy9aQ https://www.google.com/search?ei=2jMuXeWVCa-OggekrZnoBw&q=de... Judges get detailed training. Go over a few pages of these trees and select things you can apply. https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+be+a+jury+foreman&oq=how+to+be+a+jury+foreman&aqs=chrome..69i57.13094j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+be+a+jury+foreman&oq=...
• lostmymind66 7y ago
  The person running the meeting should be moderating it as well, which would solve these issues.
• vorpalhex 7y ago
  There are two potentials here. One potential is if it's just one or two people being cut off constantly - if so, they might need to practice being engaging speakers and speaking more concisely. Everybody has the one coworker who takes 10 minutes to get to a 30 second point. (Cutting people off is still rude, the above isn't an excuse, it's an explanation.) The alternative is that everyone is fighting to get out their idea instead of cooperating to lay out all ideas. If you need to, go buy a damn ruler, label it the talking stick, and whoever holds it gets to talk. Preferably before getting to that point, have a conversation with your peers that the deliberative process is a cooperative one - it's not about winning and losing, it's about everyone putting out their possible solutions and working together to build the right one.
  • poiuyt098 7y ago
    The first point here is what came to mind. I try not to cut people off, but some may be droning on, or repeating or slowly pacing around a point even though my brain is 5 steps ahead already. I get bored and impatient and want to move on. Maybe ask a fast thinker about your style, or try recording yourself and listen back to see if you can be more concise or lively.
• hackeraccount 7y ago
  Of course it's terrible. Especially when someone is telling you something you already understand and you know it'd be quicker if they would just be quiet and let you quickly explain the solution. It's probably easier if I just start talking - hopefully they'll take the hint and shut up. In the long run everyone will be happier.
• hprotagonist 7y ago
  It’s unlikely to ever happen, but sometimes i dream about a working world where everyone had read and practiced using Robert’s Rules of Order
  • eplanit 7y ago
    It can -- careers in areas such as governance, oversight, or committee work would likely provide that kind of atmosphere.
• jrowley 7y ago
  I'm sorry you're experiencing that. I just wanted to push back and say that I don't think it is necessarily a regional thing, unique or more prevalent to the bay area necessarily.
• paktek123 7y ago
  I feel like the above definitely needs to be addressed by management. When your thoughts are unheard and there is no chance to get through it can be highly demotivating as you are undervalued. I would raise with manager.
• andrewcarter 7y ago
  I have a problem cutting people off- I get way to excited about what I want to say and jump in. I really appreciate when people call me out and don't take it personally. I also try to work on it and try to help steer the conversation to other people who have been cut off when I see it happen. So IMO don't be afraid to politely just let someone know! If you don't feel comfortable during the meeting, maybe speak with them afterwards, doesn't need to be a big deal, just let em know. If you don't feel comfortable being a little confrontational, speaking with manager types or even just before a meeting indirectly bringing up that everyone should focus on it can help too. I know sometimes people cut off others very purposefully or in malicious ways, but it sounds like maybe where you're working that's just how it is- so everyone kind of has to play the game to be heard. In that case, try and change the game! A little bit of discomfort now can lead to yourself and probably others being happier down the road.
  • avgDev 7y ago
    I do it too....and I hate it........ I'm trying to tackle it by writing it down and waiting for others to finish with some decent success.
    • ethbro 7y ago
      Try keeping a stopwatch in your head (think speed chess). Start it when you start talking, and periodically make it a habit to check ("How long has it been since someone else talked?"). If it's been too long, wrap up your thoughts and pause a while before launching into the next bit. It's usually obliviousness ("I didn't notice anyone else", in my personal experience), but it can feel very rude to others ("I didn't want to listen to anyone else"). All part of soft skills. We all get better together.
      • the_arun 7y ago
        I do it too & I hate it. My worry is that if I don't say it immediately I'll forget my comment/argument. I've tried scribbling it down and raise them later. But not very consistent in this process.
• alkonaut 7y ago
  Change the format of the meeting I'd say. If a "meeting" is a free-for-all discussion it's going to simply be the loudest or most enthusiastic person that's gettting heard. So don't have free-for-all discussions. Have moderated meetings go around the table asking everyone for input. In "brainstorming" or problem solving meetings, instead of everyone going silent and then the loudest guy getting an idea, try briefly breaking up the meeting from say 6 people into 3 groups of 2. Discuss for 2 minutes and then present the conclusions to the whole group.
• taurath 7y ago
  The cut off being part of the culture can come from a lot of factors, but the ones I've seen are: 1. Abject rudeness or lack of a culture that values social graces (usually the "hacker"/"power player" mentality). Usually can't be solved except from the top, but not as common. 2. Time pressure. The rudest meetings in my current workplace happen when the meeting is ill-formatted (like a design review meeting that has nothing posted beforehand that only lasts 1 hour and is expected to get a stamp at the end). The time pressure for some people to get their points or feedback across results in a total loss of empathy. 3. Lack of any moderation or management. If nobody is in control of any meeting, it leaves it to the loudest voices, who sometimes won't give space for others to talk.
• grumpy8 7y ago
  Email discussion is great for that.. rather than being a "talk-loud" + "fast-thinker" win, it usually comes down to more thoughtful discussions/decisions. But to your point, I personally just confront the person who keeps interrupting me: - Hey, can you stop talking over me and let me finish my thought? - Dude, you're wrong, and talking over people won't make your argument better. That being said, I'm sometimes the one interrupting when people keep babbling on and on, and the manager (or meeting lead) doesn't do their job. I try to do it politely by redirecting discussion to the point or summarizing the decision, but sometimes I need to force it and be a bit rude. I don't like doing that, but when you see people starting to roll their eyes or look at their phone, someone needs to step in. Having a clear agenda with a meeting lead also help to keep the discussion on point while giving a chance to everyone to express their thoughts. If there are bullies, the meeting lead can shut them down. When the manager or meeting lead is the one being a jerk, then it's obviously tricky. Depending on the culture, you can either politely redirect discussion to the point, summarize the decisions... or just don't attend the meeting. If asked why, can be honest and say you keep being interrupted and might as well work on something else if they don't want to hear your thoughts.
• motohagiography 7y ago
  People who ask questions tend not to be cut off as often as speakers who don't. If you get the floor and are still sounding out an idea in front of a group, consider whether contributing is a valuable use of everyone's time. There are of course people who talk forever and interrupt everyone else to make it about them, and it's because they need personal development. It's on the senior-most person there to interrupt them and redirect the flow of the discussion. However, if that person going on and on is the most senior person, then sitting there and listening and humouring them is your job.
  • marktangotango 7y ago
    This is a good approach. What I try do is think of a question that highlights (what I perceive to be) the flaw in the "loud mouths" position, ask it, then let them defend themselves. This also requires me to be precise and well thought in my own position, which is not always easy.
  • jknoepfler 7y ago
    I completely disagree. If you're running a meeting, you're accountable for keeping that meeting on the rails. If that means cutting off someone senior and getting the meeting back on track, or asking them to stay focused, or redirecting the conversation to let others speak, then that's what you need to do. Seniority is a matter of job description. My job as a senior engineer involves driving alignment on the design and implementation of features. When I run meetings, they have an agenda and concrete outputs. If someone derails the meeting, I will politely but forcefully run them over. When that bubbles up into an interpersonal conflict, as it sometimes does, I'm again, polite but forceful. I know what my job is, and I hold myself accountable for getting it done. The only time I've been openly rude to someone was a Senior Principal at AWS who thought derailing 12+ engineer meetings to rant about unrelated topics was an acceptable use of time. The rudeness was probably uncalled for, but it got the job done and was (surprisingly) well received.
    • eldavido 7y ago
      Correct that this is your #1 job. But it would be even better if you could do that job, AND not make people feel shitty / mad / disrespected in the process. As someone who struggles with this, getting the "emotional layer" right, on top of the base objective of doing your job, is sort of the next level of competence you might think how to achieve. It is very difficult to get right.
• gorbachev 7y ago
  https://www.askamanager.org/2014/03/my-coworker-wont-stop-interrupting-me-while-i-train-her-going-by-a-middle-name-and-more.html https://www.askamanager.org/2014/03/my-coworker-wont-stop-in... I have coworkers who constantly talk over each other in meetings. Bringing this up as a problem in weekly team meetings, one-on-ones with manager (she's one of them) and any other review meetings has been somewhat successful.
• cpr 7y ago
  Hah, back in the late 70's at the MIT AI/LCS/EE departments, we just called that normal conversation. To the loudmouths the spoils. ;-) Took me years to painfully wean myself from the habit when talking with my wife, who objected strongly (as she should).
• Blackstone4 7y ago
  Always finish what you have to say even if others start trying to talk over you. If you stop it makes it look like what you have to say is not important. Check out this YouTube video titled: How to stop people from talking over you. https://youtu.be/ikAfrKf5A8I https://youtu.be/ikAfrKf5A8I The YouTube channel Charisma on Command have a bunch of great videos on EQ.
  • oneepic 7y ago
    I'm not really a huge fan of that channel in terms of the political content and overall presentation of each topic. But more to the point, this advice can really backfire -- maybe it will become a contest of who can speak the loudest, and you'll wind up confusing and pissing everyone off. I think I still lean towards talking to a manager as a more effective strategy, and a culture where management lets this kind of thing happen isn't really one I want to be a part of anyway.
    • Blackstone4 7y ago
      I feel like it’s all about finishing what you are saying calmly and confidently without necessarily getting louder. It might mean everyone doesn’t hear you but that’s not the point. The point is to maintain a strong social position. I’m not sure going to a manager will work. That’s like saying: Rather than adapting my behaviour, I’d rather go to someone in the group who has power and ask them to defend me...I would rather improve my social skills and navigate the company myself. This would build my EQ and make promotions more likely.
    • jtms 7y ago
      Hmm, I watched a few of his videos and just saw some really great advice on how to be a better, more empowered, stronger person - not sure what "political content" you are referring to.
  • godelski 7y ago
    As a shy person this is what I had found has been effective. By shutting up you give that person dominance and they usually continue to do it more. If you continue talking they end up looking like the rude person. But this technique requires persistence and doesn't always work. Sometimes people are just jerks (or don't realize what they're doing)
• mixmastamyk 7y ago
  Try a "hacky sack." Only the person who has it may speak. If interruptions continue, introduce an airhorn, and hit it when they happen. ;) There should also probably be a time limit as well.
  • touristtam 7y ago
    time boxing is really important with this approach. Talk time hugger are the devil to get everyone involved bored.
  • riffic 7y ago
    An airhorn should only be used outdoors. These can output 120 decibels, enough to cause pain and temporary hearing impairment.
    • mixmastamyk 7y ago
      Was thinking of the small can type, not one for a train. But yeah, not too loud.
      • riffic 7y ago
        Yes, portable airhorns produce damaging levels of sound output. Do not use indoors!
• notus 7y ago
  If I see other people do it I make a point to circle back to the person who was cut off immediately after the person who cut them off finishes and make a comment like "Sorry you were cut off, you were saying." That being said, know your audience before taking that approach. I wouldn't do it to an executive for example but I have no problem doing it to a director or manager (people in my experience who are notorious for doing this).
• bane 7y ago
  It sounds stupid, but talking sticks work wonders.
  • Zenst 7y ago
    Was about to say that when ctrl+f saved the day and I'll add - they cut out a whole layer of office politics. Only real downside is when you are in a meeting with external parties on a conference of video call. Then it gets tricky.
• tern 7y ago
  There's an interesting distinction to be made between Guess, Ask, and Tell cultures. – Guess culture: Doesn't name needs. There's an expectation that people guess each other's needs from clues/context/intuition. – Ask culture: Names needs as an ask. – Tell culture: Names needs. No specific kind of response is required or expected. These aren't normative categories, but I think in any workplace, being collectively aware that these different styles exist and that communication will be improved by each person knowing their own styles and the styles of others can improve things. – Guessers can work to name their needs. – Askers can learn to interpret Guessers and gently help them articulate their needs, and likewise can gently ask questions of Tellers to determine their asks. – Tellers can likewise learn to interpret Guessers and gently help them articulate their needs, and for Tellers, invite questions about their asks. A LessWrong post, with another take on the subject: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/rEBXN3x6kXgD4pLxs/tell-culture https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/rEBXN3x6kXgD4pLxs/tell-cultu...
• ignoramous 7y ago
  In a professional setting, nothing works better than setting expectations upfront. For instance, over a meeting invite, letting everyone know the agenda and the rules of engagement would go a long way in setting the expectations beforehand. You might even set rules of engagement generally enough for all meetings instead of just yours... of course, then, expect to work on the feedback from all quarters, but that's manageable. It might also stand to surprise you the number of people that might be supportive of such a thing because it makes future meetings productive and approachable for them. That said, some teams do have dynamics where a few powerful personalities by the virtue of their position in the team or their closeness to the management drain out all other voices in the room, as it were. This is a different ball-game since it involves power struggle which you'd eventually lose. A couple of ways I know to out manuver is to: 1. Show up in the meeting prepared with facts beforehand. 2. Do a post-meeting commentary on the meeting notes or talking points with a view to encourage further discussion, over email or wikis or docs. Regardless, your comments may be ignored. Don't take it too hard, but know that you were heard loud and clear, fwiw. Rest of your team most certainly isn't turning a blind-eye.
• hombre_fatal 7y ago
  I just keep talking until my sentence is finished. You kinda come off as a wuss otherwise imo.
• dfsegoat 7y ago
  I've found that if you talk less, people will listen more when you do talk - provided you don't ramble. Focus on being concise and formulating your thoughts while everyone else is hashing things out - then jump in with your clearly articulated thoughts at the end. A lot of the time it seems people get cut off because they ramble.
• tunesmith 7y ago
  Sometimes it's unfortunately just a personality thing. There are people that are notorious for just needing to be the smartest person in the room, and if they aren't checked, it's just going to be a sucky place to work. I've had limited good luck dealing with them by asking a lot of questions, Socrates-style. Really pinning them down. Particularly if I have an opposing solution that answers my own questions better. This helps highlight the difference between the people that have legitimately put in a lot of thought, and the bloviators. There's one person I've worked with that has me stumped though. They start talking, and then they trail off... not quite mid-sentence, enough so that you think they're done. And then I respond, but they immediately continue their thought, rapid-fire like they're pouncing. Person: "and the JWT token doesn't have that field, so..." (2-3 seconds elapse) Me: "Well, I think we can handl--" Person: "SO-I-DON'T-THINK-THAT-WE-CAN (etc etc)" It's so weird, they don't continue their thought until I start responding. Every time it plays out like I feel like I'm the one that was interrupting, even though I know I'm not.
  • fencepost 7y ago
    "OK, thanks." then go back to whatever else you were doing. Your example at least makes it sound like this person is actually seeking a confrontation of some sort, so just remove that as an option. Alternately, "let me know when you decide how to handle it." Or maybe that person is using you for rubber duck debugging[0] and you're not fulfilling your part, in which case buy him a rubber duck. [0] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging
  • philwelch 7y ago
    Speaking as someone who tends to go on and on and on sometimes, I will sometimes misjudge the difference between a “I’m done talking” pause and a “I’m thinking of how to phrase the next thought” pause and either just kind of stop abruptly when I run out of articulate thoughts or give the false impression that I was done talking when I wasn’t. Someone else cutting in before I was done with a thought is usually my hint that I’ve misjudged so I sometimes panic and try and continue my thought. I don’t think this is a reasonable style to deal with and for my part I’m trying to make my thoughts more concise before sharing them. Just don’t take it personally?
• jasonpeacock 7y ago
  Others have suggested a talking stick, and I'll improve on that - a talking stick + timer. Because you need to enforce both 1 person talking at time, and time box them. Even better, you make the timer be the talking stick. Every time you hand off the timer, you reset it for the next person. They say their piece and reset/handoff to the next person. I've done this for daily standups/sprint meetings where things were getting out of control, it works well.
  • voodootrucker 7y ago
    You propose a valid technical solution. Sadly it involves infrastructure and ceremony. I would think it preferable to grow the social skills of the team so that these aren't required.
    • jasonpeacock 7y ago
      Sometimes it involves infrastructure and ceremony to grow the social skills of a group (church, school, team sports, board games, etc :) Usually the team learns from the tools and the tools naturally stop being used when they are no longer needed.
  • weavie 7y ago
    Reminds me of when I worked in a big finance company in London. We had a talking rubber fish. It worked well until a particularly aggressive manager just grabbed the fish and threw it across the room and continued to shout at all his staff.. It was a great slapstick moment!
• mychael 7y ago
  Practice being more assertive and embrace the change to be more strong willed. Being soft spoken is not embedded in your personality permanently.
• lacampbell 7y ago
  You say to the other person, loudly and firmly "hang on X, I haven't finished" then you carry on until you're done. There's no magic to it, no reliance on a corporate directive, or gimmick like a talking stick or hacky sack. You just directly address the other persons behaviour.
  • voodootrucker 7y ago
    While I upvoted your comment for it's directness, and agree that it can work for infrequent instances, I've seen whole cultures where everyone is interrupting each other. It's harder to apply when things get truly bad. Incidentally, that was in the bay, and I've had better experiences elsewhere - purely anecdotal.
    • lacampbell 7y ago
      It's always worked well for me - in the work place at least.
  • kowdermeister 7y ago
    This is the right way. People know interrupting is rude and if you call them out immediately you can just continue. Adding some gesture helps too, like raising the pointing finger :)
  • AnimalMuppet 7y ago
    I was in one particular meeting where I had some technical details I was trying to give (that were actually relevant and important). But each time I started trying to give them, I got interrupted by the marketing people. (One in particular. She was pretty loud, too.) I backed off, because I figured that there would be another point in the meeting where I could lay out the tech stuff. But after the third time, when she interrupted, I just continued (louder than her), "As I was saying, the way the tech works is..." She didn't interrupt me again. (Of course, I didn't say much more in the meeting once I said what I needed to...) I don't remember whether she interrupted anyone else after that.
• greendestiny_re 7y ago
  I would recommend paring down your ideas until you get an elevator pitch. Keep it simple, stupid.
• bjornlouser 7y ago
  Start recording the meetings and splice all the interruptions into one giant outtake.
• mcguire 7y ago
  Pro tip from the gang at IBM: He who talks loudest is in charge.
• golemiprague 7y ago
  Your problem is not that you are soft spoken, it is your confidence. Work on your confidence in general, there is enough advice on the web, if you are confident people will listen even if you whisper.
• chiph 7y ago
  Well, 1, they could just be jerks. Or 2, they could have ADHD.
• trilila 7y ago
  This is common to dysfunctional teams and poor management. While those who cut you off might be over excited, others might be plain rude or some might lack empathy, the job of a good manager is to ensure everyone’s voice is heard. Some really smart developers may lack the skill of making their voice heard in such environments, as it happens with introverts or geeks often, and that’s where an experienced manager comes to play and makes sure people are allowed to finish their thoughts without bullyish or immature cutoffs from others.
• pequalsnp 7y ago
  If you think it's a personal problem, I'd recommend going to the gym and starting a progressive weight-lifting program if you don't already. You'll build in confidence as you progress and get stronger, and that will spill into other areas of your life. It worked for me.
• a2tech 7y ago
  I’ve been witnessing a masterclass in this at work lately. One of the faculty I work with has a habit of jumping in on people when they’re talking. One of our new faculty simple refuses to spot when the other person jumps in—-just simply keeps taking over the interrupter. Doesn’t speak up, doesn’t alter their cadence, simply continues to talk. It’s amazing.
  • colordrops 7y ago
    Yes, this is a very effective technique.
  • jtms 7y ago
    this is a VERY hard thing to learn, but I am trying it. Sometimes it just requires more concentration and determination than I can muster. Also the person doing the interrupting will occasionally accuse YOU of interrupting them. I hate feeling bullied by interrupters so I am constantly working to master any and all tactics for shutting down what I see as this rude/disrespectful/disruptive behavior.
    • solipsism 7y ago
      Why? This is passive aggressive. Am I taking crazy pills? What's the problem with just politely saying, "Can you please not interrupt?" or "Let me finish my point please."
      • cbayram 7y ago
        This. Imo, this passive aggressively skirting around the issue is just giving one some petty satisfaction. Chances are likely the the interrupter isn’t aware. Tell the person not to interrupt bluntly if that’s your gripe.
        • cljs-js-eval 7y ago
          Repeat interrupters have the mental capacity to figure this out. This is coddling people who don't deserve it.
• halfjoking 7y ago
  It's not worth wasting energy. Why care if they all agree to do "X, Y and Z" bad ideas unless you have a bunch of equity in the company? If you're a programmer actually building the thing - I say adapt whatever they tell you to do so it makes more sense. I often change things to make it more palatable, then when they ask me why it doesn't work exactly as originally designed I explain how I figured out the original version was a bad idea while working on it. They hired me because I know my field and what works best. If they can't trust me to implement things how I see fit, then why should I trust them to make good leadership decisions?
• jstewartmobile 7y ago
  People in this biz make all kinds of (bogus) excuses along the lines of "I continue to fail at basic life skills X, Y, and Z, BUT! I'm still super-smart!" I wouldn't buy that. Someone fumbling the ball on basic politeness is probably fumbling many many others that you don't even know about. And you have an office full of them! If only I knew where you worked...
• cosmotic 7y ago
  It might help to understand why people are cutting you off. Some situations where I have cut people off (maybe in the wrong; it's a judgement call): * It's clear everyone understands what's being said and explaining further is wasting time * It's clear what's being said is based on a misunderstanding or is not relevant * I can tell where it's going and have already dealt with what will eventually be concluded so the whole conversation can be cut off completely * I have input into the topic that it appears no one realizes yet and might drastically change the direction of the conversation * It's clear that we've gone on a tangent and it's time to get back on track * Someone is telling a personal story for effect and it's not adding business value or social value to the discussion * Someone is grandstanding for no apparent reason other then self indulgence As for solutions: * Establish a protocol for raising attention that someone has input before the speaker is done; like raising your hand * Use a talking stick Non-solutions: * Calling someone out for interrupting you might foster hostility. Instead, during a retrospective or something similar, raise a concern that generically people are having a hard time completing their thoughts because they keep getting cut off.
• broth 7y ago
  Squeaky wheels. Things to try: - Schedule a follow-up meeting and discuss your concerns and suggestions. - Try raising your hand. This might seem ridiculous but give it a try. - Talk with your manager about this concern and try and suggest solutions like the ones above.
• james_s_tayler 7y ago
  I had a friend who was quite bad at doing that. I eventually made it known and together we worked on it. I can't imagine a whole company like that. It was hard enough to get one individual with which I had a solid relationship to stop that. Good news is he did get much much better and now it's no longer an issue.
• tanilama 7y ago
  It is common. As to how to deal with it, it depends on your colleagues' willingness to adapt your advice. Hints: they probably won't change. So I would say speak louder then.
• ioseph 7y ago
  One strategy I've seen and used effectively is speaking slowly and quietly, people will be forced to listen carefully to what you are saying and it will bring the energy of the conversation down a notch.
• Diederich 7y ago
  Sometimes I'll raise my hand every time I get cut off. You have to read the room though.
  • pipingdog 7y ago
    If you are an interrupter, learn to raise your hand. If you get interrupted, immediately raise your hand. If you notice someone try to say something and get clobbered, raise your hand, then cede to them. If you see a hand go up, think about how to tie off your point, then call on someone with a hand up.
• angel_j 7y ago
  You have to treat it as intolerable. Getting cut off is like getting slapped in the brain. It's one of the first rules of engagement I make, because I'm usually the most cutoff-able person. There is only one way to solve it that I have found. Whoever is boss makes a rule that cutting people off is not permitted. Enforcing it is like teaching a dog not to piss on furniture, you must interrupt them in the act; enforcement must be diligent, or it won't work.
• musgrove 7y ago
  That is not a common thing in workplaces. Interrupting someone who's speaking is rude, plain and simple, in any context. People that talk over each other, to be blunt, have no manners. Are the discussions important to your work, or just social though? If work-related, they need to be managed in a setting where everyone has the chance to speak and be heard. I would discuss this with your manager if it's work-related, and hopefully he/she can provide an environment that's managed and not chaotic babble going back and forth. Also, there are books and resources that might help you be more assertive and confident in situations where you have to jockey for attention. There aren't many times that happens, but in competitive business, it does happen. Everyone is looking out for #1. I'd add that people that interject all the time are poor listeners, which is a problem in business(and life). If all they're doing is thinking about the next thing they're going to say to the point they can't even hold it in, then they certainly aren't paying due attention to whoever is speaking and the topic and giving it diligent consideration.
• segmondy 7y ago
  Raise it with your manager, if it's peer's discussion then someone should moderate. When my team has meetings, I moderate. I make sure those remote get to speak first, and then I make sure no one is speaking for too long and call other's by name to add their ideas. If someone interrupts, I cut them off and tell the person that was speaking to continue.
  • solipsism 7y ago
    Is there no sense of personal accountability at your company? Why can't your workers be trusted to take care of simple, everyday social problems like this? I don't like interrupters any more than the next person, but i consider myself an adult and want to work with adults -- I can't imagine needing a babysitter like this.
    • hawski 7y ago
      I would say it is all too common in most social situations. It's normal that people get overexcited. People should behave, but often do not. What one is supposed to do when it happens? Find a new job? Do you also have opinion, that generally working with adults one does not need a manager or a superior? Managers manage people, they should manage meetings.
      • deleted 7y ago
        [deleted]
    • segmondy 7y ago
      This usually doesn't happen, but when it does happen it's my responsibility to fix it since I'm a manager. This can happen when talking to someone from a different department, and outside vendor, etc. Like folks mentioned, this happens when people sometimes get very excited and don't really mean to be rude.
• dmlorenzetti 7y ago
  I used to have a big problem with this. My family culture values slow, serial communication, so "cooperative overlapping" of the sort practiced at my workplace came across to me as rudeness. That meant my frustration at not being heard was amplified by negative connotations about why I was getting steamrollered during meetings. One thing that helped me was to understand the motivations of those involved. It's easy to think somebody is rude, or showing off, but fortunately I started from a place of deep respect for the capabilities of everyone in my group, and eventually a great affection for them. I saw that we had a few individuals who, if they weren't interrupting, it meant they weren't interested. After I realized this, I started to prize the guy practically jumping out of his chair to take over what I was saying, because it meant he was engaged and excited by it. Nevertheless, I did often think about the effect on people who might be less self-confident than me, or quieter (we had a lot of students passing through in those days). In the end, if I needed to be heard, I could raise my own voice just as effectively as anybody else in the group -- but not everybody can do that. It came to a head one group meeting, when a foreign researcher came to present some results. His presentation effectively ended after a few slides, because it got derailed by the back-and-forth of the "audience". I was really steaming and embarrassed. He agreed to come back the following week, so I sent round an e-mail saying we had all better be on good behavior. I told the group I would bring three notebooks -- one green, one yellow, and one red. The meeting would start with the green one on top of the stack, and if I got annoyed, I would move the yellow one to the top. If the red one came to the top, I would -- well, I don't remember what I threatened, but it couldn't have been very scary, since I had no power. In the event, the green notebook stayed on top. Not only was the group on strictly respectful behavior for the presenter, but I think it got better generally for a long time afterwards. I think seeing how that behavior affected an outsider gave everybody a little pause, and made us see ourselves better. But again, I think the details of this anecdote show what a great group of people these were. As a junior team member, I felt able to express and act on my disappointment, and everybody listened and tried to accommodate me.
• solipsism 7y ago
  Direct and polite. I'm in awe that there is so much toxic advice in this thread. All these suggestions about just continuing talking over the other person, like some kind of competition, have no place in the workplace. It's not that hard... Please let me finish. Excuse me, I wasn't done with my point. Jen, were you trying to say something? I'll address that as soon as I'm done with what I was saying. Hold on, let me just finish what I was saying.
• HeyZuess 7y ago
  `excuse me, as I was saying ....`, being a little assertive is hardly ever a problem.
• ghostbrainalpha 7y ago
  I had the same problem, and fixing it was one of the hardest things I've even done. The problem was me, and that I was boring to listen to. I worked on making my statements shorter, funnier, getting better at analogies so people could follow along with a picture in their heads (especially when speaking to non technical people about technical issues), and by promising something interesting in the first sentence and then not giving that info until the end of my statement. I don't use all those techniques all the time, but every time I take over a big group conversation I will be conscientiously thinking about doing one of them. It's been 5-6 years of effort and I went from extremely boring to now being consistently asked to give presentations because people think my speaking is entertaining. I also always played devils advocate, and presented the best case from both sides of an argument whenever a big decision was being discussed. I stopped doing that completely and don't share my inner debates. Everyone has their own and they don't need to be informed by yours. People just want new interesting information + plans for action with strong reasoning briefly summarized. If all your statements are like the following, you will find people cutting you off less and less... "I found X that you will never believe! And after spending all day analyzing this new information I recommend we quickly adopt Y before disaster happens. Any questions?"
• wpietri 7y ago
  Do you have team retrospectives? If so, I would raise this issue neutrally in terms of cultural norms. "At my previous jobs, X. Here, I observe Y. Do others notice this? How do you feel about it? How should I adapt?" For what it's worth, I don't think this is generally a Bay Area norm. Most of the teams I've worked on have been pretty patient, respectful communicators. But it is definitely a norm in some places.
• RocketSyntax 7y ago
  Just say "woah, woah, woah... let me finish this my point"
  • asfarley 7y ago
    This is definitely the easiest for me to use, and to take without offence.
• dsr_ 7y ago
  104 comments and nobody has mentioned that this is an extremely common problem for women.
• AareyBaba 7y ago
  The meeting organizer/manager needs to control the meeting. For in-person meetings, I am constantly watching for people who raise their hands or try to get a word in. If necessary, I cut the people monopolizing the conversation and make sure those people get a chance to speak. For the wallflowers at the meeting I make sure to reserve some time at the end when people who haven't spoken get a chance to speak up. For online meetings (Skype), the manager has to watch time and interrupt people where necessary. It is very easy someone to go on a monologue during Skype meetings. Again, listening for people trying to get a word in is the managers responsibility. Every now and then, a team gets an employee who is disruptive, constantly interrupting the flow and going off on tangents. For those employees, the manager has to bring the non-productive behavior to their attentive offline and suggest changes. In extreme cases, where the behavior persists and is ruining the team environment, that person has to leave the company. In short, your manager is responsible. Talk to him/her.
  • doodliego 7y ago
    The problem is definitely more noticeable on skype and other types of conference calls, because you miss all the nonverbal cues and loudmouthed narcissists can easily take over and derail all conversations with their voice alone.
• the_watcher 7y ago
  Tell people that you're experiencing it. If you trust someone who doesn't seem to have as much trouble, confide in that person first, but continue to tell people privately when you experience it. In my experience, most people will take it seriously, and some will start to notice and do things like point out that you were cut off, or bring the conversation back around to you. If you get pushback when doing this, I'm sorry you're experiencing that. My recommendation would be to find a new job, unfortunately.
• hnruss 7y ago
  As a show of respect and professionalism, I do my best to listen intently and to not interrupt my coworkers. If I am interrupted, I will stop and listen-- provided that the interruption served a purpose. If someone repeatedly interrupts me without need in a conversation, then I will get annoyed with them, consciously ignore their interruptions and finish my thoughts, even if they keep talking. This usually sounds unintelligible to everyone involved. Once they are done trying to talk over me, I'll ask them a question relating to something I just said, which makes two points: 1. Now it's their turn to talk, and 2. They don't know what I just said because they were talking when it was not their turn to do so.
• jedberg 7y ago
  You need a better meeting leader. Their job should be to facilitate, which means keeping the meeting on track with the agenda, calling out interrupters, and making sure to circle back with the person who was interrupted to get their input, and then blocking the others from interrupting again. And a really good meeting leader will figure out who the soft-spoken people are and make sure to ask them for their opinions explicitly if they seem to have one that wasn't heard.
• epc 7y ago
  People, usually peer engineers, but occasionally executives, would try to rebut whatever I was trying to state as I'd state it. I learned to be an utter asshole to these people. When interrupted, I stop speaking. Entirely. Nine out of ten times the person interrupting realizes I'm no longer speaking and…also stops speaking. I guess they think this is a conversation? I don't know. So I restart. From wherever I started, not where I was interrupted. Because I'm usually trying to get a coherent point across, an argument, a statement, whatever. And if interrupted again…I stop and repeat the process. I don't raise my voice. I may throw a glare or two. I have found that after two or three of these cycles the person in question waits until I'm done or I ask for questions or whatever the context demands. In turn, I consciously try to refrain from interrupting someone else, especially women. I am in no way perfect at this. I've had people tell me (or my manager more likely) that my silence in these moments is more intimidating than if I just barrelled over the interruptor. I have heard that in organizations where there's recognition that this is a problem, a talking stick or some other object, helps: the only person who can speak has to have the object, they "have the floor" until they relinquish it. And for the people who are prone to interrupting others: cut that shit out. You're not impressing anyone. You're not getting your point across. You may well have a valid point or issue or comment, but if the only way you know to make an argument is to disrupt anyone else…then that's the takeaway, not whatever your issue actually is.
• asfarley 7y ago
  I have this tendency to vocalize my prediction of the speaker's next words; this is sometimes interpreted as an interruption. When I do this, I'm not intending to stop the speaker, or even to speak over them; the goal is to demonstrate that my understanding is synchronized with what they're saying. It's a tool to improve communication, not to disrupt it. I sometimes get the impression that 50% of people do this naturally, and 50% hate it and interpret it as interruption.
• tehjoker 7y ago
  If the people in your group are just over-excitable and not jerks, and you've already talked to them about this, one way to manage the situation is to appoint someone to recognize speakers one at a time and limit the time they spend speaking. The appointed role should rotate to maintain a sense of equity.
• kamilszybalski 7y ago
  Another approach you might try is to ask a coworker to step in and ask the interrupter to let you, or someone else, finish speaking. I find I do this myself primarily because I don’t believe people who aren’t comfortable being confrontational don’t deserve an equal chance to speak and be heard.
• ska 7y ago
  If this is happening consistently, it is a failure in management. I don't think it is a Bay area specific problem, but it does correlate to startups fairly strongly (due to weak areas in management).
• rb808 7y ago
  If this happens a few times in a row, I tune out, start browsing something on your phone. When everyone starts doing this they get the message.
• 1penny42cents 7y ago
  Someone who is interrupted will almost never listen to the interrupt. Instead, they maintain whatever they were going to say "in cache" and replay it once the interrupt is over. I've found this to be universal. So I've learned to stop interrupting people. They're only going to listen to what I say once they're done saying what they need to. Without at least one side listening to the other, the conversation will go no where. From there, the problem is when one person won't give others a chance to speak. On my team, we raise a hand to let the person speaking know that someone wants to get a word in. This works very well in my experience.
• havana59er 7y ago
  Honestly I hoped this would be a better discussion. Judging from some of the comments I would say that it is a systemic problem of people just want to stream their thoughts and ideas. You'll basically need to develop your own kit of tactics to get your points across, practice them and refine them. What are some tactics you're currently using? Do you wait for silence and jump back to a prior point in the conversation? Do you use phrases like "I'm not on board because of X", thus forcing the conversation to revolve around your dissent? Which ones seem to work better than others?
• glenvdb 7y ago
  It's a bit "kid-ish", but I've seen it work effectively at combating what you're talking about. Have some kind of object that a person holds while they're talking. While the person is holding the object no one else is allowed to speak. Once they're finished speaking the object is passed to the next person and they get their turn (if they want). The object can be anything, but when I've seen this strategy used it was a rubber ball a bit smaller than a soccer ball. Something big enough that everyone can see who is holding it, not something small enough to be hidden in a hand. As long as the person running the meeting introduces the strategy well, and maintains its rules, it should work. You might get a little bit of backlash from people that think it's demeaning, but you'll probably find that they're the ones doing the interrupting.
  • awillen 7y ago
    This sounds ridiculous, but it's a really simple solution that really does work.
  • karmakaze 7y ago
    The conch shell from Lord of the Flies. During weekly town halls we have a plush wireless microphone cube that we toss from the current speaker to the next.
  • rand84545 7y ago
    It's like a Token Ring (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Token_ring https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Token_ring) in Networks.
• ycombonator 7y ago
  You don't learn everything on proverbial day one. Its called experience. You will learn to deal with it with age and time. Just like a toddler cannot order a coffee at a coffee shop but a 7 year old can comfortably. Come back 5-6 years later and you will be answering your own question.
• johnwheeler 7y ago
  This is so easy. Point your finger at the person, look them in the eye, and say assertively, “Don’t interrupt me”, and keep talking without skipping a beat.
• happyrock 7y ago
  It works for me to just raise my voice a little and say "wait" or "hang on, let me finish" if someone interrupts me. I also find it rude and irritating and it should be treated as such, but it's also often not intentional and just a result of conversational dynamics getting out of control. The goal should be to rein it in and keep the conversation going.
• LaserToy 7y ago
  That was my observation as well. And that is why women in the office are often out-yelled. I don’t see how soft spoken person can solve it, it should be recognized by the leadership as a problem first, and only then solution can be found. Which is - somebody needs to moderate the debate, or maybe some additional training.
• trynewideas 7y ago
  I stopped talking and started taking notes. There are probably better meetings at better companies, so I want to be clear that I'm speaking from my own experience only. However, I'm willing to bet that if you're being consistently cut-off (or from the sound of it, systematically excluded from contributing to meetings—being spoken over can be a different problem than wanting to contribute and being proverbially shoved out to the fringes) because of your personality and not your role or ideas, then your meetings are more like mine than the ideal. Most in-person meetings I've attended at tech companies are, at their essence, a combination of - performance: demonstrating an emotion that motivates a decision. Someone is angry, scared, or excited about something and wants everyone to know this. "My customer is facing the problem we're meeting to discuss, and it's costing us money! We have to take action about it!" — not new information, but rather providing a motivated urgency. - signaling: announcing or confirming knowledge of something without adding any new knowledge. This is sometimes constructive, for instance to confirm that something has been communicated correctly, but it's often people signaling to someone else present that they're present and knowledgable. "As I understand it this has been an issue for X months, and we haven't done anything about it because of Y factors." — shouldn't be new information if the subject of the meeting is being tracked elsewhere, but if it isn't said out loud in the meeting, how will everyone know that it matters, and more importantly that they know it matters? - empty decision-making: agreeing to do (or not do) something, then ignoring that decision as soon as the meeting disbands and doing something else. This is the worst part, and why even when I did get a word in during a meeting, it often felt like it was pointless to do so. "Let's agree to research the Y factors further and circle back on this in a week." — a week later, because the decision was made out-of-band of how all other work is planned and budgeted, and the decision relied on people who weren't invited to the meeting, other priorities have taken over and the research is either incomplete, poor, forgotten, or ignored and some other action taken regardless. As someone who never consistently got the hang of any of those things to the level of most tech company entrepreneurs, I started volunteering to take substantial and precise notes instead. This in part absolves expectations of me contributing in the way everyone else in the room expects — something I got consistently knocked on in performance reviews under a previous supervisor who was especially guilty of cutting others off in meetings, which was endlessly frustrating — and also tends to accomplish two important things: - It provides a written record of the meeting that can be shared with people who could not attend or were not invited, improving accountability among the people who did attend. Fewer empty decisions are made when agreements from the meeting are both noted and easily shared. When it's at a distributed company, this also helps include people in other timezones who can't attend. - It gives me space to form deeper questions than I can raise during the course of the meeting, and to also present those questions after (or even at the end of) the meeting to the same people in a more persistent, referenceable format (email, a tracked ticket, even Slack). At worst, I can reference it to suggest a more structured topic for a follow-up meeting or in-depth presentation. The benefits can be good: you can help keep the people in the meeting accountable, provide context to people outside of the meeting who need it, contribute additional insight from a more unique angle, and help set the agenda for any follow-up actions. The downsides depend on your environment: if, like me, your boss values the amount of time you flap your jaws during meetings more than the value of what you do say, you'll take a knock no matter how constructive you are for being intentionally quiet. Again — these are from my own experiences, and my own solution. The more optimistic solution might simply be to ask those people, before and outside of the meeting, to either be more actively inclusive ("I've said plenty, what do you think about this, president?") or structured ("I've spoken for more than five minutes on this subject, we've agreed to give time for president to discuss."). From my experience, these don't seem to stick for a number of valid but frustrating reasons, like high staff turnover, or rapid and unpredictable changes enforced by higher-level decision makers.
• a3n 7y ago
  It sounds like it's a company wide culture. It also sounds unhealthy for you. Not everywhere is like that. I'd leave.
• AlexCoventry 7y ago
  The third time it happens, start asking "May I finish?"
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• funkaster 7y ago
  I've been working in the Bay Area for 8 years now, it's not the area, it's your specific workplace. It would happen anywhere in the world. I would assume your leads (EM/PM) are not doing their job correctly. There has to be someone helping moderate the discussion and making sure you're getting somewhere relevant. If it's a problem, raise it and propose a change in the meeting process. Ask for someone (or volunteer) that keeps track of the meeting agenda and makes people accountable. IMO adding process that helps structure conversation in places where it's not happening naturally helps tremendously. There's some friction initially, but if implemented correctly, benefits appear really early on.
• agentultra 7y ago
  I too preserve my energy. I’ve internalized patience. I’m not in a rush to be heard or make a point. I use the time others are speaking to listen and formulate my response. Then when it is my turn to speak I try to limit myself only to what needs to be said. It can be very hard on me to do this. Especially when the conversation steers into something I am passionate about or I am completely uninterested in. It takes a lot of practice and energy to be polite, show interest, and listen to what is being said. I find that the most effective technique in my arsenal is to wait. Then when there is a moment of silence I turn the tables and repeat back what it is I heard from the other person in my own words. I may ask a question or two to ensure I completely understand what they are saying. I find that there are many cultures where it is unusual and disarming for others to intentionally try to understand you. Once someone is aware they are being interviewed and their thoughts are being thoroughly and fairly considered I find the conversation turns into my favour and I can get my point across without having to interject. Shouting over people to get attention is.. odd. I mean I have to do that with my children because they are not old enough to be considerate and hold a conversation. But I resist the temptation with them. If I am quiet and patient they listen better. And sometimes none of this works. If I get into a conversation with more than one person and everyone is moving too quickly I simply cannot handle it. I politely remove myself from the conversation and follow up through back channels with individuals as necessary.
  • vonholstein 7y ago
    +1 I agree with waiting. In fact I'm personally coming around to the point of view that 90% of verbal technical discussions miss a key point which becomes very evident on reflection and/or are an inefficient use of time(N developers * x minutes and so on). You can be much more effective by writing a doc about the subject, reviewing it over email/Slack with an in-person discussion if required.
    • agentultra 7y ago
      I cannot stress how important writing is. Writing is thinking. And often writing what you intend to argue in a meeting is an effective way to solidify your point. If you think you can convince someone by reasoning about it from the seat of your pants don’t be surprised when your colleagues are not convinced. This is good advice! Although sometimes you have to bite the bullet and accommodate your hands-on improvisational types and have a good old-fashioned spit-balling session! Just write it down afterwards.
• newnewpdro 7y ago
  Something I've noticed is there's a strong correlation between people bulldozing in meetings/conversations at the office and being recently/overly caffeinated. I haven't tried this myself, but it might help to question the person doing it as being potentially overcaffeinated in the moment. Maybe it can be done playfully, without being combative. Something like "Man, how much coffee did you drink today? You're out of control." Also, it's kind of an arms race if this is what's going on. What you can do is caffeinate yourself and fight fire with fire, if you don't mind a caffeine dependence. Caffeine is like a mild form of cocaine. It similarly tends to make people arrogant, overconfident, loud, impatient, obnoxious, talkative, and over eager. At my last office position, which was in SF, I absolutely hated most of the social interactions because people were abusing caffeine like a pile of junkies. The lunchroom had a dedicated corner full of coffee making apparatuses and scales, it was completely ridiculous. There was enough equipment for half a dozen people to freshly gravity drip coffee simultaneously into their cups. I basically don't use caffeine at all, and it was simply impossible to tolerate communicating with most of the employees in any serious topic. They would just go a million miles an hour and bulldoze right over my entirely sober state. Rather than try match their energy level and agressiveness I'd just walk away and engage virtually on IRC/slack/github instead. SF in general strikes me as a city full of addicts. In the office people were largely high on caffeine, and outside the office they would get drinks nearly every day after work. It's definitely not for everybody, and I had a better experience in this regard working in Silicon Valley (Mountain View).
• RickJWagner 7y ago
  I suffer from this problem on videoconferences. I work in a home office with residential-quality bandwidth, and I think there's a slight lag in the video and audio. I try to let everyone complete their thoughts, so by the time I try to speak someone else is usually already filling the silence. I haven't found a good way around it yet.
• starpilot 7y ago
  It's common in Indian workplaces. You just need to start doing it too.
• awillen 7y ago
  It really helps if someone is actively managing the meeting. As a PM, I've often done this in meetings with my engineering team. It works well because I don't know enough to contribute much to the technical discussions, but I know enough to know when they're veering off track or someone's dominating the discussion. I also know which engineers aren't as prone to interrupting, and I can make sure they're included in the discussion. I often go with a little self-deprecation just to keep it light when things are spiraling out of control. Something like, "Okay, time to take a pause and dumb it down for the PM. It sounds like we've settled on the fact that the issue is x, and the possible solutions are a, b and c. <Quiet engineer>, you've dealt with x before - what are your thoughts?" Smart people are prone to chime in with their thoughts, even if it involves interrupting. In PM/design meetings, I'm guilty as hell of that, but I recognize when whoever is running the meeting is shutting me up so others can speak and appreciate it.
• whalabi 7y ago
  This happens in power plays routinely. I'm not exactly an admirer of the man, but I've been pretty impressed by quickly interjecting "excuse me" when someone is trying to talk over you, which Donald Trump has perfected
• JustSomeNobody 7y ago
  I believe some people just do this to compensate. They’re not the best at what they do but they’re the loudest so they use that. How I combat it is email and networking with the team. After a meeting where I couldn’t get a word in, ill follow up with an email laying out the pros and cons of what was talked about as well as the pros and cons of my own ideas. I’ll then have one on ones with other team members to see if there’s any buy in. If not I drop it. If so, I find that my team members will start giving the loud guy pushback on his ideas.
• deleted 7y ago
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• oblib 7y ago
  I'll offer the thing you need to learn is to not give a shit. It helps to remind yourself your getting paid the same no matter what. Beyond that, if you've got something important to point out that others are missing then you can jump in with a dominant attitude and make the point quickly and then sit back and fade away and let the conversation go where it will. Timing is important but starting with something like "I think we need to consider..." or "you're missing something important here" loud enough to be heard can draw the focus to you quickly. Once you've made your point stop talking. It will either be ignored, dismissed, or discussed. If they ask you to expand give them all you got but don't get frustrated if it gets ignored or dismissed. Bring it up again in a private conversation later with whomever really needs to know and give them time to let it sink in. If someone cuts you off you can always pop back in by starting with something like "We still need to consider..." Back to not giving a shit. You do your best work no matter what. That's what you get paid for, but you do the work the way they want it done and don't take it personal if they ignore you when you know have a better way. That really doesn't have to matter to you at all.
  • ridaj 7y ago
    This reminds me of a "rule" I've heard from TV series writers. They operate with a dozen people locked up in a large writing room for the whole day. Their job is literally to "say one thing in the morning, and one thing in the afternoon". That's it. They don't have to say any more than that, but they better damn make sure that when they open their mouth, what they're going to say is worth the other folks' time to hear. They can always say more, but people aren't paid by the number of words they say in meetings, and in fact speaking too much can really burn someone with the other writers if they keep hogging the floor to say things that aren't the most insightful in the world. I feel that's a useful test to use as well before talking in a meeting: is what I'm about to say something that really needs to be said here and now?
• rramadass 7y ago
  Patience, Understanding, Diplomacy, Assertiveness and Confrontation in that order. Conflict cannot be avoided but only contained. Hence you need to train yourself to tolerate the mental discomfort which comes from being in stressful situations.
• PopeDotNinja 7y ago
  This sounds like a good question for your manager. There's a reasonable chance you're not the only one who feels this way, and speaking up may help move the needle on Captain Cutoff interjecting their thoughts mid-someone-else's sentence. What ever you do, don't lose your cool. You will not help yourself by saying "hey jackass, I was speaking, so shut your pie hole (mouth)." [1] [1] Source: Used to lose my cool. It did not help. But therapy did :)
• StopHammoTime 7y ago
  I would suggest talking to your manager, leader, iteration manager, etc., and raising the impact that this kind of conversation style is having on your work. If this is a regular occurrence the meeting should at least have a temperature check for how everyone feels about something. At the end of the day, this is a management problem and they need to fix it.
• xs83 7y ago
  I find it is much more frequent when you are mixing technical and non technical people in meetings. One such example is when you have a non-technical person taking the scenic route through a conversation about a process, by the time they have uttered their third word most of the technical people already know the rest of the sentence, the next lot of objections, the following (wrong) solutions that will be presented and the final solution that was decided on when the problem was analysed when it first came to light.
• logari 7y ago
  There are two types of interruptors: the intelligent and the stupid. The intelligent ones have a lot to say, and worry they forget, so they want to edge in a few of that "block" chain before it's lost. The stupid ones are simply rude and don't care about your feelings. Step1: identify from other clues, what type you are dealing with. Step2: if intelligent, let them finish their speech. Then ask: "are you finished?" Then ask for uninterrupted talk time. You can be humorous about it. For instance: "if the urge to cut me off hits you, take notes while I am speaking." If they took notes, ask them to rephrase what you just told them. If the stupid type, you can cut them off, too. It is okay to be fair.
• techslave 7y ago
  you won’t be able to fix this. find a new job. market is hot so don’t think too hard about it.
• m0d0nne11 7y ago
  The rules of effective, efficient discussion are universal; if they're ignored in various settings I'll consider offering a cash wager that those are rarely settings (engineering, surgery, etc) in which careful thought and attention to detail are high priorities. Participants who respect each other observe The Cocktail Party Protocol, which is so obvious it's enshrined in silicon: when you sense that the shared medium is available, you may begin transmission. If you discover that somebody else has also done so, back off for a short randomly variable interval and then try again. Multiple simultaneous transmissions are well understood to be a degenerate case to be avoided, with participants who fail to follow protocol regarded as defective and, in at least one case I've seen, tagged with error code BABBLING_TRANSMITTER. SEE ALSO: CSMA/CD
• lhorie 7y ago
  When the next discussion starts, offer to document the arguments, or designate someone to. Create a Google doc that everyone can edit and write a quick blurb stating the goal of the discussion. Now that there's an official record of the discussion in written, you can take your time writing well-thought-out responses. The format discourages heated circular rebuttals, since it then becomes obvious when an argument is a thinly disguised paraphrasing of a previous one, and people can get a chance to sleep on an idea and change their minds. The format also lets the team flesh out several topics in parallel rather than disrupting each topic half way through with tangents. Once people are more accustomed to the idea of writing down their arguments, you can formalize the process into a Request-for-Comment (RFC) process.
• scottbartell 7y ago
  In my experience it is common. Here are some suggestions: 1. Ask a person who has cut you off in a recent conversation for a 1 on 1 conversation. Tell them about the recent conversation and what happened from your perspective. Ask them for advice on what you can do to have your voice heard more. 2. Ask a third party who is typically in those conversations that you get cut off in (but isn’t the one who cuts you off) for a 1 on 1 conversation. Explain to them what is happening and ask them for their advice. — not only will you get some advice but they might change their behavior to discourage others from cutting you off 3. Next time you get cut off remember what you just said, the details of how you said it, and the topic at hand and write it down. After you do that a few times take a look at the data you gathered and see if you can find any noticeable patterns — may you were getting off topic or maybe you had a snarky tone, etc. 4. Determine what your need is and explore other ways to have it met. If your need is to feel as if your opinions are heard, consider that in person technical conversations are just one way to meet that need. Another way might be a written proposal or Slack conversation. Or maybe you could run a more structured meeting that is run in a way that protects against people getting cut off (e.g. time assigned specifically for generating several different options)
• patrickdavey 7y ago
  This is not answering your question, but, I once did an Outward Bound course (basically personal development in the outdoors). Anyway, there was this interesting scene they did where they made us line up depending on how much we agreed/disagreed on a particular topic. They then made us debate with our opposites. That is, the most agreeing and most disagreeing people had to debate. I was one of the people who "most disagreed" and my "opponent" got to go first. I had to listen to her for 3 minutes or so. At the end of her speaking time, I assumed that I would get to go BUT _I had to repeat what she'd been saying_. It was an incredibly enlightening moment, it pointed out very clearly that really, most of the time I wasn't listening to what she was saying, I was trying to work out how to rebut what she'd said. I also hate it when people talk over me, I do wonder how well they're listening or if they're just trying to get their point across. I'll follow this thread, thanks for asking the question.
• SkyMarshal 7y ago
  First, try reframing everything you have to say as a question. People like ones you describe tend to be more responsive to questions, it plays to their ego. So if someone makes a loud assertion you know is wrong, ask a series of leading questions like a trial lawyer would that takes them down the path of realizing it's wrong (or at least takes everyone else listening down that path). Second, check out the book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense [1]. It may help. Third, are you a woman perchance? This is an especially common problem for women. If so, find a company with a better culture. They're out there, and not worth your energy to try and change this one. [1]:https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/133203.The_Gentle_Art_of_Verbal_Self_Defense https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/133203.The_Gentle_Art_of...
  • hinkley 7y ago
    Yes, but I can think of a few people who fit this bill who are incapable of hearing a question as a critique. They will happily answer the question and not change course in the slightest.
    • SkyMarshal 7y ago
      Yes, but 1) it usually takes more than one question, rather a series of questions calling attention to the flaw/s, and 2) even if talker doesn't change course it's likely others in the group will see what's going on and realize OP is actually the one that knows stuff, changing the group dynamic.
• knowingathing 7y ago
  I was once in a meeting with a total of four people (including myself) where the other three people were all talking at once. I felt embarrassed for all of them but they just ploughed ahead for a while. So strange... I don't understand how people operate this way. Thank you so much for posting this.
• danieltillett 7y ago
  I am prone to cutting off slow thinkers. The type that you know exactly what they are going to say for the next minute - yep I got that so can we move on to your next point. It is a bad habit and I try to control it, but sometimes I slip up.
  • sergiotapia 7y ago
    What do you do with all the time you save interrupting the slow thinkers?
    • danieltillett 7y ago
      I spend it on HN.
    • king_panic 7y ago
      ftw
  • hinkley 7y ago
    There’s a line between sharing your feelings and lecturing people. I have a couple people in my life who just keep rubbing it in unless you stop them.
• drewcoo 7y ago
  Consider that the people who behave like that might think they're the polite ones. They listen actively and feel deeply engaged. They see conversation as something everyone participates in; contributes to. From the coworkers' perspective it might seem rude for someone to apparently not listen and just wait their turn to speak, acting as if they think what they have to say is more important than whatever conversation is happening around them. I'm not saying it is that way. I'm just trying to suggest one more charitable way of looking at it.
• makmanalp 7y ago
  "Can I finish before you cut in?" directed at the interrupter seems to work for me - it's a reasonable request, it explicitly calls out what the other person is doing in a way they won't / can't reasonably get defensive about, and if they keep talking over you it telegraphs to other people that they're being a jerk. It's annoying and probably unfair to have to do this of course, and honestly takes more practice than I thought it would to recognize this situation is happening and remember to deploy it. More generally, this is now something I try to pay attention to while interviewing at companies. I don't need to be in a struggle every time I have a conversation or make a point.
• sergiotapia 7y ago
  A very easy, low friction way to correct this behavior is to steer the conversation to someone who has been interrupted. Let the interrupter do his thing, then go "Alright John Doe, you were saying X Y Z?" He'll start his train of thought again, and if someone tries to interrupt, cut them off and say "Hold on let John Doe finish answering my question". You come out looking professional to interrupters, the interrupted likes you more, _and_ you start to change the behavior that annoys you, without you being the bad guy. win-win-win
• dotmanish 7y ago
  You can flip the thing around by championing the 6 Thinking Hats method to drive decision meetings: https://www.amazon.com/Six-Thinking-Hats-Edward-Bono/dp/0241257530/ https://www.amazon.com/Six-Thinking-Hats-Edward-Bono/dp/0241... There are numerous examples cited in the book and around the web on how this streamlines discussions (and also gives everyone a chance to chip in from different angles).
• chrischen 7y ago
  I feel like a forum-style system like HN for discussion will always work better than real-time voice. That's the ultimate solution.
  • swebs 7y ago
    Yes, but real time. This is why I was so excited for Google Wave when it was first announced. It's a shame it flopped so hard.
• mattoxic 7y ago
  I say in a calm even voice... "Please Moira, I just need to finish this point" Sometimes I say in the same voice... Hold on a tick Moira, I think Francis is trying to make a point. Moira in our organisation is a meetings pest, she speaks without listening and speaks often. Just be polite, don't let the conversation move on, and advocate for others who are spoken over. "I didn't hear Josh, Josh can you please repeat that"
• _pmf_ 7y ago
  "This is something that I never had to deal in previous work environments prior to moving to the Bay Area so I'm inclined to think it's something specific to this area." I think you have been lucky before. I've never known anything else; I just got used to huge detours by bad decisions.
• 29athrowaway 7y ago
  Sounds like... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expressions_of_dominance https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expressions_of_dominance Solution: moderation. When a person is interrupted, the moderator interjects and asks the interrupted person to finish the idea. If the interruptions persist, adjourn the meeting.
• cryptica 7y ago
  I think this happens when people in the company are not smart enough. The best solution is simply to change company. Smart people are curious (that's how they became smart) and they know who else is smart and so they know when to listen.
• holografix 7y ago
  As uncomfortable as it may seem at first be FIRM. A louder-than-you were-just-speaking next few words or a simple “hang on John, I wasn’t finished.” Can quite quickly change how people perceive you and what you re willing to tolerate. I can relate because I was taught to respect people and wait for them to finish what they were saying but in some environments they’ll just talk continuously as a tactic to prevent you from saying your opinion and dominating the discussion.
• quibbler 7y ago
  Maybe that is why Slack has become so popular. Also, do people just ignore your input, or do they feel they alrrady understood what you are trying to say? When I interrupt people, it is usually because I think I alrrady know what they want to say. Maybe people in SV are just faster than average? Like the joke in Microserfs where the nerds watched video with subtitles in fast forward. For ecample I also watch courses on Coursera on double speed, normal speed feels agoizing to me. So perhaps talking double speed could also help? I think it is also rude to expect people to listen for too long.
• led8 7y ago
  Hello ! Try Dissensium (https://dissensium.herokuapp.com/ https://dissensium.herokuapp.com/), a smooth project that I create for fun. Why ? Because I'm drive about by the same problem in my recent work. So, Dissensium allows you to create anonymous online meeting about conversations or problems with your team mates. Each person can propose a solution and each person can vote on each. The facts show us that anonymity break the rules of human domination and especially that everyboby can have a nice idea. Then, allow to each participant to vote on each solution is better constructive. So, you can try something like this. . .
• joshfraser 7y ago
  Don't make a big deal out of it or act upset, but every single time you get cut off say "Hang on. Let me finish."
• ilaksh 7y ago
  It's fairly common but also very problematic. It's not acceptable. Make sure you have savings, let the manager know how harmful it is. If you or the manager can't correct it then consider leaving to find a better team if that's possible.
• a_imho 7y ago
  Why do you care? It is (probably) not your job to fix culture.
• peanutgal2600 7y ago
  When it comes to getting his fair say in, Gerry Adams from Sinn Fein is a master. He never interrupts others, except to tell them to stop interrupting him, and his approach is very effective. When somebody talks over him, he talks over them saying "I didn't interrupt you, don't interrupt me" in a polite but authoritative tone, then he continues speaking until his turn is up. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_QJtKLuXYc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_QJtKLuXYc He's so good at it, somebody recorded a parody song about it (a rip-off of a Boy Named Sue). I had a business partner who was a great engineer, but kind of an elitist snob and never let people speak. He cost us a lot of sales that way, so I actually had to begin texting him "Slow down. Let him answer. Stop interrupting, I need to pay rent this month". Consistently calling him out on it in a private way significantly changed his communication style and we stopped losing sales that we should not have lost.
• Animats 7y ago
  “Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.” - Churchill
• phtrivier 7y ago
  We had to discipline ourselves in our team, and it had great results. (We made it slighly funnier by having an actual "speech stuffed octopus" to hand to the only person allowed to speak.) Meetings are surprisingly more pleasant now. In case your teamates are self-help fans, you might casually drop in as many conversations as possible that "Seek to understand, before being understood" is Covey's habit n°5 ;) Good luck !
• scotty79 7y ago
  Stop trying to talk. Just listen. At some point they'll encounter a problem that they don't have a solution for. Then speak your mind (of course if you have a good idea or something that might spark a good idea in others). After just a few lucky instances of that you'll be considered a sage. And what if they are chosing wrong solution? If you are sure and have a moment of silence, usually after every noisy person understood the solution and is content with it, present one specific bulletproof counterexample. Might earn you deep thinker badge and love-hate relationship with the rest of the team. And if they pick wrong solution anyways or you don't have an opportunity to pitch in. Relax. Not your circus, not your monkeys. It might come out ok in the end. Or you might still get to be a hero during recovery from this effup. And your team might get more billable hours which is good for you and your team. Not so good for your employer but that's the failure of development process he set up. You are not responsible to plug holes in the process. This attitude will make you more relaxed and happier and have better relationship with the rest of the team. Your output will improve and you'll have more chances to infect noisy people with your ideas via 1 on 1 watercooler conversations and in the meetings just watch how they do the hard part of promoting your idea for you. Your employer might even get benefit from you not trying your hardest to represent him in the meetings.
• wst_ 7y ago
  I have such experiences as well, not in Bay Area, but in tech startup. I am quite sure that is not always the case (maybe even mostly not the case) but I've found that one of the autistic trait is to have difficulty with maintaining conversation, including difficulty with recognizing when is your turn to speak. There are even questions like that in ASD questionnaires freely available online. The reason usually is that people gets really excited about what they want to say. So excited that it is difficult for them to hold on. Especially when they can guess where interlocutors are coming from and what are their points so the rest of the sentence seem obvious. I couldn't find any compelling research or article but there is this notion that mild autism is more frequent in Bay Area. Not only there, in general, it goes in par with high concentration of engineering staff. If that's the case, I think people may not even realize they are jumping in and it is not something that they can easily harness. Probably the best option would be to wait when they finish and then continue with what you wanted to say. You might signal politely that you're not finished yet. You may also arrange a short chat dedicated especially for this issue, as long as everyone keep calm and respectful I see no harm in it. The other option is to speak with your manager about it as (s)he's in the best position to speak to single member or an entire team. I know it's a massive effort to harness jumping in, but it can be done in many cases. (edit: just fixing pronouns)
• phonebucket 7y ago
  Do you have feedback systems/one-to-ones in your job? I received feedback that I needed to give more room to others in technical discussions, and it was some of the most valuable feedback I have received, because it was a shortcoming of mine that I was unaware of. Maybe the people cutting you off are well-meaning, but they just need to be made aware of their behaviour?
• hellfrick 7y ago
  Just keep chuntering on as if you can't hear the other person talking and what you are saying is crucial for all participants. NOTE: this gets fun when > 1 person has this approach.
• enriquto 7y ago
  Just produce exceptional work and let the loudmouths spend all day cutting each other. You'll soon get way ahead of them.
  • siphon22 7y ago
    Sounds like the lie moms tells their meek sons about being nice gentlemen to get girls :( works until Chad tells your manager about how uncooperative you are for not participating in meetings with them so they get the impression that you don't contribute anything even if you do a lot of work. Chad gets promoted over you of course.
• vfc1 7y ago
  Don't be naive into thinking that it's going to get any better, or that talking about it to someone will help in anything - it usually makes things worse that's the reality of it. One simple way to reduce the frustration and make it more bearable for you is to send your point across by email to everyone involved later on that day, it works for me. How bad is it? Maybe at your workplace is especially bad, if that is the case and it's bothering you, it's probably a good time to leave. Some people think they know it all, can't shut up and are literally incapable of listening to others. Some people just think while they talk, feel the need to fill the blanks of conversations constantly, etc. As long as you give your input or send your point across in whatever form, in person or by email at least you feel better for sure.
• 6nf 7y ago
  Smaller meetings. Talk to these people before the actual meeting one-on-one if you have to.
• hawski 7y ago
  It's on person organizing the meeting to moderate it. You can either talk with every person and try to change their ways, good luck with that. Or have more structure in meetings and that's what being manager is supposed to be about. I always roll my eyes, when there even is some structure in a meeting, but the organizing party does not really moderate the discussion.
• f_50C137y 7y ago
  One way that has worked well for me is saying politely, 'please let me finish'. And then continuing with my contribution to the conversation. This takes some amount of guts, but I am yet to experience anyone not allowing me to finish my point.
  • weavie 7y ago
    Also body language can help. Put your hand up with your palm facing the interrupter to physically block the interruption..
• stillworks 7y ago
  I haven't ever been in a team/company personally who follow this, but seems like a very effective way https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/jeff-bezos-knows-how-to-run-a-meeting-here-are-his-three-simple-rules.html https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/jeff-bezos-knows-how-to-ru... I wonder why a big SV company is not following this already ?
• huevosabio 7y ago
  I used to work in a place where two of my colleagues (one of them my supervisor) used to interrupt each other a lot, often degenerating to heated, unproductive arguments. I started using a whiteboard for all our meetings. For whatever issue we were discussing, I would first write it down. I then proceeded to function as a moderator. Whenever one of my colleagues wanted to interrupt, I made sure to keep him/her at bay by pointing out that I wanted to let other colleague finish first. Whenever one of them would drift away from the main issue, I would point out to the topic on the whiteboard and emphasize that we needed to keep the conversation focused on that issue. It worked wonders. In general, I've noticed that having a "meeting leader" that keeps the meeting on track with the agenda and functions as a moderator really improves the quality of the meetings and even makes them shorter.
• adrusi 7y ago
  Speakers tend to prefer either a high considerateness or high involvement style of conversation. Considerate speakers prefer conversations where parties wait for each other to finish and take turns speaking, while involved speakers prefer those where parties jump in when they have something to add. [0] High considerateness style is getting too much credit in this thread. The two styles are similar in the relevant respect: more dominant speakers get more airtime. Conversations in high considerateness style don't dictate a turn order, so when someone finishes speaking, there's a competition for who gets the floor, and dominant speakers will win more often, and then get to keep talking for as long as they want. Effectively, high considerateness style just increases the packet size, without changing the bandwidth distribution. High considerateness probably does have the advantage over high involvement in problem solving conversations, since it makes it easier to communicate more complex thoughts, but it's not the best. These two styles describe organic conversations, but it's possible to impose a rule-based structure that makes problem solving conversations more productive by dictating a turn-order (not necessarily in a static way). A structured conversation style that biases the competition for the floor in favor of those who have insights rather than dominance will outperform high considerateness style. Neither of the organic styles are optimized for problem solving. High considerateness is optimized for preventing speakers from abusing the ability to jump in while someone else is speaking to silence people for political reasons. High involvement is optimized for making conversations enjoyable so that people actually want to have them. In an ideal world, we would use high involvement style as a default, high considerateness in politically tense company, and various kinds of structured conversations when work needs to get done. [0] https://linguistextraordinaire.com/2018/01/07/conversational-styles-is-it-better-to-be-polite-or-direct/ https://linguistextraordinaire.com/2018/01/07/conversational...
  • taejo 7y ago
    It's possible, as someone used to high-involvement style, to converse in a way that's less hostile to the higher-considerateness speakers in the group. For example, if you start talking and notice that somebody has abruptly stopped talking, wrap your point up as quickly as possible and explicitly give them back the floor: "<name>, you were saying...?". On the other hand, if they keep talking with you until they wrap up, they're using a higher involvment style and you can keep going.
• king_panic 7y ago
  I work with a team from Bangladore daily and they frequently interrupt. I don't know if it's a cultural difference but it seems that way. I know when someone begins to speak Ill hear "ACTUALLY..." or "SORRY BUT..." soon enough. Two things work. First is if I start a sentence I finish it. If you start talking then stop, you implicitly give permission to someone else to interrupt you when they interject. Get over the awkwardness of two people talking at once. They now (mostly) let me finish my thoughts -- after I started doing this. This one is sneaky, but I do it when someone is especially obnoxious. They'll interrupt (on a call) and Ill say "Hey (name), are you there? We can't hear you." They freak out and beseechingly yell into their mic like Sandra Bullock in Gravity and then Ill calmly say "oh there you are, as I was saying..." and complete my thoughts. It's a pattern interrupt. Not the most honorable method, but it works. I find I interrupting people while they speak to be terribly rude. I judge people pretty harshly who do so, which is probably my own hang up. These two methods have worked for me.
  • bvinc 7y ago
    I spent some time in India. One social aspect that I noticed right away is that lines aren't really a thing. If someone is ordering food at a cart, and you stand behind them, other people will assume you don't want to order and they'll just go around you. I imagine that living in a place with such high population density causes behavior that seems rude and pushy to us in America.
    • magduf 7y ago
      >I imagine that living in a place with such high population density causes behavior that seems rude and pushy to us in America. Not at all. The population density in Japan is extremely high too, and they don't behave this way at all. This is entirely cultural: some cultures don't respect rules very well, other cultures do. Jumping line in Japan is considered extremely rude.
• known 7y ago
  Within the context of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_mobility https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_mobility
• effnorwood 7y ago
  Quit
• wccrawford 7y ago
  I've always disliked getting interrupted, and I used to spend a lot of energy trying to get my opinion into the conversion during meetings. Lately, I've been doing the opposite. If I have a thought, I wait until the end up what's being said. If they barrel into another topic without waiting, I'll simply start talking and tell them my thoughts on the last topic that they so hastily abandoned. Occasionally I'll forget what I was going to say because there was so much going on. In those instances, I simply don't worry about it. No matter how important it was, it'll either come up later or we'll deal with it eventually somehow. That all said, there's one thing I will interrupt. When a person says the same thing repeatedly, even in different ways, I feel compelled to stop them and keep the conversation moving. Anyone that doesn't understand can ask for clarification. There's no need to repeat things.
• want2know 7y ago
  What works but can be hard to do is to direct you to the person who was interrupting you, look them in the eye and say something like: sorry I was talking and you interrupted me. And then continue where you left off. This way you just name what they did without giving it too much weight or judgement.
• nurettin 7y ago
  Yes, this is how work is. And it is very important for you to continue being part of the conversation. Not only for your own sake, but for everyone's sake. Unfortunately, we can't all speak at the same time. When I'm interrupted, if I'm focused enough to continue and the interruption doesn't bring up an obvious error, I apologize, take back the mic and continue my monologue. If I'm not focused enough that I lose my train of thought as I was interrupted, I take notes and go back to it at a later point in the conversation. It is very important that you are persistent. One thing that helps me focus is to have my notes in front of me before the conversation begins, so I can continue making my points or interrupt someone else with one of my points.
• deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
• thirdsun 7y ago
  Have you considered participating in writing? Collect your thoughts and put them into a few paragraphs and bullet points for others to read and consider whenever they have time for it. I like this approach in general - while being cut off isn't that much of a concern to me, not forgetting half of the points I was trying to make and presenting them in the most understandable way is. Writing helps a lot with these goals. Whenever I have more substantial and extensive thoughts and ideas to bring up I'd post a message on a relevant Basecamp project/team and invite everyone to discuss it.
• Jugurtha 7y ago
  Similar thread, albeit not as commented: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20315367 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20315367
• tmaly 7y ago
  I use to talk over people, and sometimes I still do. But I try to stop myself and become a better listener. I find the conversation becomes better. I was listening to this episode on the Knowledge project https://fs.blog/celeste-headlee/ https://fs.blog/celeste-headlee/ not too long ago, and it got me to really stop and think about how I converse.
• Grue3 7y ago
  Ask to replace in-person meetings with an internet chat (IRC/Slack/whatever). Loud people can't overshout others in a chat, unless they use ALL CAPS which looks silly.
• cascom 7y ago
  I see management teams do this all the time with buyers/investors to their immense detriment. They are playing jeopardy- trying to answer the question as quickly as possible before hearing the whole thing (and often an essential element)
• thinkersilver 7y ago
  This may not be useful but have you tried to ask why you want to be heard. It's worth exploring your motives. Is it to make yourself feel more valued in the team or is it to provide value to the team. Figuring this out may allow you to find a way to change how your team members view you ( if it's needing validation from the team) or if it's the second, which I suspect it is, you may find a way to influence decisions _without_ having to talk over other people. Team discussions are a competition of views and attention for space to express them and can be chaotic. Exploring 1. Verbal strategies - some have pointed out couple in the thread 2. Preparation of what you want to say - and framing the negatives strongly and the positives of your argument confidently 3. Seeding - Doing the groundwork and preparation before the discussion itself. Talking to your team members about your ideas and gauging they're reactions - in a way reading the room, and planting your idea so it's not out of the blue at the discussion There's more but it's down to you. It's probably what you don't want to hear. You'll have to improve the way you communicate within discussions or learn how to influence the leaders and decision makes of the group outside the chaotic conversations. I'm like you in a way but you've got to choose your battles.
• nairobi222 7y ago
  I wear a rubber band on my wrist and lightly snap it when someone is telling me something and I feel compelled to interrupt. It brings me out of the moment just enough to wait. But, you have to remember that the rubber band exists :-)
• corodra 7y ago
  A. When other people get cut off, tell the interrupter "don't cut them off. You, go ahead and finish what you were saying." Be the person who does this. That way when... B. Tell them "I am speaking, do not cut me off." You then don't look like an asshole. You have an ethical principle you stand by for yourself and for others. You'll find very few people will attempt to you off. It's what I started doing. Has worked pretty well in the past 6 or so years. It's better than being a victim.
• atoav 7y ago
  I tend to interrupt people only when they ramble on about something forever or when they make their point in a really, really roundabout fashion. You know the type, that talks for 10 minutes and you still have no clue what the point is or where it will lead to. The thing is: there are many reasons why people interrupt other people and they might be completely different. In my case you probably would in the best case react with something like: “Wait, let me summarize my point” and then proceed to do precisely that. Some people might shut you down, some might get excited by the thoughts your contribution envokes in then. Some might just hate it that they are not in the spotlight. If you know the reason, you know how to react to it.
• Haga 7y ago
  Read & discuss only questions to the written proposals. Anything in addition is a new paper. Amazon has that one solved.
• roadbeats 7y ago
  I live in Berlin and went through exactly this, changed my team, and that felt like a prison break. If it’s an option for you, I’d recommend considering a change. It’s totally waste of time and energy to work with people who doesn’t know how to have respectful conversations.
• epynonymous 7y ago
  regarding your remark about this perhaps having something to do with the bay area, the bay area brings some of the most experienced and skillful if not smartest people in the industry (from all over the world), i dont doubt that this plays a factor. that's not to say that experienced/smart/skillful people are purposely rude, i think it has a little to do with ego, showing yourself up during meetings, but sometimes it's just passionate people going off on rants. i can totally understand your frustrations and this seems to be affecting you personally, but i think you should do some root cause analysis before you jump to conclusions, jumping to conclusions also burns a lot of mental energy. instead, just go have a conversation in private about what you think, not about being interrupted, but about your technical ideas, if he/she's really an asshole and just wants to drown you out, you should be able to tell from a private conversation, my guess is that the person gains more respect for you. if you have trouble articulating your thoughts in real time, write it down, send an email. dont guess what's at play here, find out the truth. if the people suck, switch environments, there are plenty of great companies out there.
• xtat 7y ago
  This is especially prevalent in the bay area.
• grizzles 7y ago
  Suggest a slack only meeting once a week. Then when they f up you can at least reference your earlier slack comment.
• robodan 7y ago
  I think Madeleine Albright's comments on this are interesting in general, but particularly relevant to how culture conditions women. https://www.thecut.com/2015/06/madeleine-albright-best-advice.html https://www.thecut.com/2015/06/madeleine-albright-best-advic... "But you have to interrupt. At a certain stage you realize that it doesn’t matter what they call you. You have to overcome your personal qualms."
• dondawest 7y ago
  Dude I relate to you 100%, and the only solution I’ve found is to become comfortable interrupting people right back when they interrupt you, and sometimes before. Interruption is a weird thing that is both cultural and personal. I spent a lot of time overseas conversing with people in languages other than English, and with people who spoke English as a second language. During those years I became completely comfortable never being interrupted and never interrupting. Then I came back to America and at first found the “interrupting culture” to be UNBELIEVABLY rude. It really really rankled me for multiple months. I didn’t interrupt people so why the hell were they interrupting me?? ...and then I became comfortable interrupting people again. Now things are fine. I’m not saying this is the perfect solution to your problem, but it’s definitely ONE solution.
• joaofiliperocha 7y ago
  against facts there are less arguments ... bring facts to the table.
• ppricetv21 7y ago
  This response will either make an enemy or stop the overtalker in his/her tracks. Say, "We are not communicating. If you talk and I listen then when it's my turn to talk and you interrupt me then we are not communicating. If you interrupt me I'll leave the meeting."
• supro 7y ago
  Elders in my family say - Nature has given us two ears and one mouth so that we learn by speaking less and listening more. When everyone follows this simple principle, everyone gets to speak, and everyone gets the opportunity to be heard.