9 ms·

I watched Stranger Things for the first time a few months ago (I know, I know, but at least I did). I cried. Not at the scenes I think most people might. I

I watched Stranger Things for the first time a few months ago (I know, I know, but at least I did). I cried. Not at the scenes I think most people might. I cried because there was a scene where it was so obvious that the older brother was being treated as the "Man of the House". I'm over 40, and grew up as the older-by-5 years sibling with a single mom. I had no idea I had all of this repressed trauma from being old enough to understand I was being given all of this responsibility, but no way to actually achieve it, or even a way to know if I was doing well enough. So I could never DO well enough, despite always wanting to. Despite this, I grew up considered a pretty laid back, Zen guy. Until I got married. Now I'm a constant ball of stress. I'm unhealthy, and my sleep is so messed up that "good" nights are those that are less bad. Doctors tell me I should exercise more. All of this despite being financially successful and very happily married. I constantly feel like disaster looms around every corner. I'm aware of how lucky I am and how I screw this up (or just have it screwed up for me) at any moment, and I feel like I can't every fully relax because _I have to be responsible_. Another poster here generalized beyond this article to say that we as a nation (and perhaps world) are at a high level of anxiety, and we reflect it in everything and kids pick up on that. I think they're very, very right. I find myself reflecting way too often that I'm glad I don't have kids - they won't have to live with the mess society is generating that I can't fix. Because no matter what I'm doing, I can never do enough to fix it. And I'm very, very tired.

radicalbyte 8y ago
I had that when I had kids. I'm an older brother but grew up in a stable family. The lack of sleep combined with working hard full time is the cause. If you can take a few months off of work (doing 20 hrs work a week works too), get to the gym and sort your diet out (cut down on fat and try to remove red meat and sugars) you'll feel much better. It's working for me :)
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
abc_lisper 8y ago
You are my doppelgänger. I live in US, am not an American, and feel exactly like this. I don't know if my parents (not in US) felt like this when they were my age, or it is only an American problem, or only an American problem of this generation. People used to think for their kids and grand-kids financial future. That seems so out of the window now.
- beauzero 8y ago
  It used to be. My parents didn't. We are trying to do better to leave something for my kids like my grandparents did for my parents.
TheLegace 8y ago
Your brain probably just got really good at adapting because it needed to, there was no choice really. So I wouldn't feel to to bad about it that it ended up that way. It was just a natural consequence of your environment. If your environment is different now you might have to develop new habits and mechanisms for dealing with the anxiety. Now maybe the answer that problem is not just exercise but mentally stimulating/challenging exercise that will rewire your brain(dancing, martial arts, music, yoga). But it's possible that the rewiring process will have to be stronger than that the original wiring that causes anxiety. So it might be a huge time and emotional investment, but if your serious it might be possible, especially since the stressors no longer exist in your environment. People on HN talk a lot about going into different states of mind and that seems to be very effective and switching your conscious process to a completely different one[1]. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consciousness#States_of_consciousness https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consciousness#States_of_consci...
sorryforthethro 8y ago
> I constantly feel like disaster looms around every corner. Sorry if this is unwelcome, but I recognize this feeling very well. I'm a lifelong CBT patient, in CBT we call this "catastrophizing", recognizing when you are falling into that thought pattern is the best way to break out of it.
vvanders 8y ago
Just throwing this out here and you may already be familiar with it but I know a lot of people who have similar feelings who wrestled with imposter syndrome. Parts of that sound a lot like what I see in developers feeling like they aren't capable and will be fired at any time for being an "imposter" despite being totally awesome, knock it out of the park engineers. Either way, talking about these types of things helps and if it's causing you as much stress as it sounds like see if you can find someone to talk to about it(mentor, counselor, etc).
- ergothus 8y ago
  Thanks for the note. Imposter syndrome is definitely a reality, and something that has really burned me in the past (the situation I described is about a decade old now) but I think I'm managing that well enough now. Or at least, in line with fears that the economy can tank badly, that I can get crippled in a car accident, stroke, etc. > talking about these types of things helps Absolutely - I've been looking. So far one counselor and I agreed it wasn't working (she "fired" me (graciously) at the appt that I was going to do the same) and another -I- declared wasn't working (I was too (over)analytical for someone who wanted to bulldoze over that), but finding therapists with openings that took my insurance was not going well. New job in the last few months means new insurance, so I'm trying again now that the holidays are over.
  - vvanders 8y ago
    Awesome, sounds like you're already well on the right track. Different things work for different people but keep on trucking and I think you'll get there.
  - KyleJ61782 8y ago
    Instead of looking into CBT, you may try looking for therapists who utilize Solution Focused Therapy. I found one who approached things that way and found it to be tremendously helpful. She approached things initially from a very standard inventory of my family history, personal values, etc. and then tended to let me direct my counseling until I realized I had reached a point that I was ready to stop my regular sessions. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me a PM.
kingkawn 8y ago
Feel like the idea that life shouldn’t contain anxiety does more damage than the actual anxiety.
- bmj 8y ago
  There's a kernel of truth there, but there's also a difference between "reasonable" anxiety (concern over you and your family's health and well-being), and the sort of manufactured anxiety that the article mentions (constantly being barraged with information about your performance/grades, for example).
teekert 8y ago
Sounds pretty familiar. I have it to the point that I can only truly relax when I travel for work, alone, but when traveling with the family I am an un-enjoyable ball of stress because I feel I need absolute control and we're just going to get screwed and dropped of at unsafe places etc. I guess I always dealt with it by thinking: I can take anything (sleep on the street, fight, etc). But my family can't. It's difficult to relax. Being aware of it has helped the last years (a career coach pointed it out) but the rewiring is slow.
bluesroo 8y ago
While a different situation, I had a pretty rough childhood and felt very similarly (feeling of disaster always looming). It took a long, long time to reprogram myself from constantly thinking "yeah alright, I got a promotion... But I know my new manager is going to fire me any minute". Or while I was still in school "sure, THIS test went well but I know something stupid will ruin my big project". All of the anxiety would also cause disasters! e.g. Over-studying and staying up too late leading to being late for tests in the morning. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy! It took a long time to just let myself be successful without worrying that it would all fall out from under me. Let yourself be happy: you're financially stable and in a good marriage which is better than A LOT of people can say. Bad shit will always happen, but at least you're in a position to deal with it! Be prepared (savings, insurance, keeping your marriage happy) and roll with it rather than being terrified of it.
- gammateam 8y ago
  Try a form of consequentialist nihilism I think it helps, a framework for you to realize what matters and what doesnt, with a focus on how it helps a beneficial consequence Like, are you over studying because you might die if you dont know how to do something? Or is it just a less optimal habit
  - DyslexicAtheist 8y ago
    nihilism and existentialism helped me overcome quite a lot. things like Thomas Ligotti's "The Conspiracy Against the Human Race", and Emil Cioran's "The trouble with being born" have opened my eyes to a new way of thinking that doesn't revolve around societies fetishism of positivity & optimism.
    - Gatsky 8y ago
      I think that nihilism is only useful in a fairly narrow set of circumstances, namely the otherwise healthy and succesful young to middle aged person suffering from ennui. I spend a lot of time with people that are dying (for work, not for fun). I can tell you that nihilism is cold comfort for them.
sshumaker 8y ago
I’d recommend finding a good therapist that specializes in generalized anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in particular can be really helpful at giving you tools to manage it.
- sshumaker 8y ago
  (If you live in SF feel free to PM me for a suggestion).
- germinalphrase 8y ago
  If you feel the stress/anxiety is strongly impacting your life/wellbeing - then I strongly second this recommendation.
- harrumph 8y ago
  >I’d recommend finding a good therapist that specializes in generalized anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in particular can be really helpful at giving you tools to manage it. I would recommend the same, for myself and many of my friends and family who went through similar things and have similar symptoms. Unfortunately such therapy is market priced in my major US city at $400.00 an hour, and health insurance plans even in the top tier of coverage quality produce surprise bills constantly. There is a significant material barrier to every dimension of health in this country and we absolutely cannot make progress on outcomes until we destroy that barrier.
- toufiqbarhamov 8y ago
  I suffered crippling social anxiety when I was in my teens and very early twenties, got just the kind of help you recommend and I’m happy and functional without needing anti-anxiety medication. I cannot agree with your recommendation enough, it’s hard work, but it’s life changing.
- stephenbez 8y ago
  I just read the book "The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure". About 1/3 of the book is how kids these days are being taught values that are pretty much the exact opposite of what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches and how that leads to more anxiety. Instead of learning: "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" and to not assume someone's intentions, they are being taught to be on the lookout for microaggressions and to report them. Instead of being taught to critically question the feelings they have, they are taught that if they feel something, it must be true.
Wowfunhappy 8y ago
You, as a child, were given responsibility as the "man of the house" because there was no father? Shouldn't your mother have been the head of household? It says a lot about society that a male child was implicitly given responsibility instead of his grown mother. And based on your age, I'd guess this was in the 70s or 80s, not the 50s.
- avmich 8y ago
  Maybe it's not a binary thing - not all the responsibility, just some of it, which is particularly suitable for boys. I think culturally it happens often, it's not just a matter of old times vs. modern times. Even when mother is the head of household, elder son gets more things around to, um, worry about.
  - Wowfunhappy 8y ago
    By "suitable for boys", do you mean just "suitable for children", or "suitable for male children"? In the latter case, what responsibility would be particularly suited to a boy over a woman? Sibling comments have mentioned that having one less parent means every family member has to pitch in a little bit more. That's a fair point, and if it's all that's happening, I retract my criticism. But I think there's also a healthy dose of sexism at play here.
    - avmich 8y ago
      Suitable for male children. I don't like sexism.
      - Wowfunhappy 8y ago
        So, again, what responsibility would be particularly suited to a boy over a woman?
- tenacious_tuna 8y ago
  I was also a son raised by a single mom. My take: I certainly didn't have authority over my mom, but I definitely felt like I had a lot of responsibility. Households are typically run by (at least) two people, and for good reason. I stepped up where I could--helping manage the dog, helping make food, staying out of trouble when she couldn't watch me, in general trying to keep stress off of my mom--not because I felt like I was in a position of authority, but because there wasn't another adult to help shoulder the load, so some of the load fell to me.
alexashka 8y ago
I feel like things aren't quite adding up - you got married, now you're stressed. Yet you think you're happily married. It sounds like you traded being unhappy single, to being unhappy married. The circumstances have changed, the essence remains the same. If you feel like this marriage not working out would screw up your life - you're right, it will. Being afraid that a failed marriage would screw up your life - is actually screwing up your life, this very second. That's the missing bit - living in fear, even if it's mild, is quite miserable once you start to run out of things to look forward to that'll 'make you happy' once you get them. You got the marriage, look how short lived that honeymoon is - now you're right back to where you where you started from :)
- ergothus 8y ago
  > you got married, now you're stressed. Yet you think you're happily married Well, yes. Lots of other things happened too - this has been at least a decade of gradual creeping anxiety. But being married has definitely tweaked my "I'm responsible" baggage. > Being afraid that a failed marriage would screw up your life Been there, done that - this is my second marriage. While I in no way want to undersell how bad getting divorced is - even when it's an amicable divorce like mine was - I'm in complete agreement that an unhappy marriage isn't worth it. In this case though, I'm not afraid of losing the marriage - I'm just afraid of failing at my responsibilities, and I'm not even sure if they're marriage related responsibilities, or just adulting. We've been together 12 years now, and she's awesome, including not putting responsibility or demands on me. We could live in a box behind a restaurant and I'm confident she'd love me and not be blaming me. Things have gotten worse for me as I've aged, but I can't say for certain the cause. Saving for retirement, health care, paying the mortgage, these are all things I associate with my marriage (and thus I mentioned it), but that may have been misleading. This could be being an adult, this could be my own success (I'm making almost 10x what I did 20 years ago, unadjusted) giving me more to lose, this could be my lack of friends as I outage many of my coworkers and the others focus on their families, this could be deteriorating health making me feel more vulnerable (I'm also 60 pounds heavier than 20 years ago), this could be the looming dementia on my father's side, this could be... ...a really unhealthy list of things to focus on. :) . Regardless, I appreciate the intent of your post, I can see how I made it seem like my marriage was responsible, but I don't see the line of causality. If it's that I AM in a happy marriage, but I'm afraid of losing the ability to enjoy that part of my life, but then the cause isn't an unhappy marriage.
artificialLimbs 8y ago
You may need to do some organizing, goal setting, or writing. Or maybe all of these. If you're worried about how you might have screwed up the past, you might want to write (or type, whatever) to organize your thoughts. If you're a more verbal person, maybe talk about these things with someone. If you get things out of your head and into words, it can help you organize your brain so that instead of foggy, murky chaos, you can start to come up with a plan of action for dealing with the things that you believe are bringing anxiety. Make some (reasonable) goals, with deadlines, and try to meet them. You may need to adjust them as you go, or you may do them terribly at first. This is fine. Just keep going.
magic_beans 8y ago
You might consider body-focused trauma therapy. You were deprived of a childhood and it traumatized you.
sitkack 8y ago
I am you. Every line of it.
FundThrowaway 8y ago
I find myself struggling with somewhat related situation, everything in my life is going good, happily married and a great job that I love however I find myself wanting to watch the world burn, I get excited about the prospect of war and the collapse of society. I keep it under wraps and don't mention it to anyone but I'm really not sure what's wrong with me.
- gandutraveler 8y ago
  A friend of mine shared similar story with me. He sold his company, has enough money, travels a lot, married etc but he secretly hopes for the war, chaos . I felt that he just wants a reset in life which he can't do himself due to society, family pressure and hopes some external event will do it for him.
ethbro 8y ago
For me, something that really helped was mindfulness. Sure, being aware of everything good in your life too (classic mindfulness). But more importantly, asking two simple questions: "What actions can I take about this worry? And on what timescale?" For a large number of my worries, if I was honest, there was either nothing I could do, nothing more I could do, or nothing more I could do at this time. And if the answer was nothing, then I decided to stop thinking about it. I was surprised how many worries fell into this category. Or how exercising this ability influenced how I deal with new worries. (Now, it seems much easier, and harder to just let fears run away with me) For the optimizer, the way I backdoored into this was realizing "Worrying, in many situations, makes me less effective."
xtrimsky1234 8y ago
"Doctors tell me I should exercise more" Do you exercise enough? Running has helped me a lot with stress. I used to hate running at school, and now its something that helps me relieve my stress, and i'm much happier.

radicalbyte 8y ago

I had that when I had kids. I'm an older brother but grew up in a stable family. The lack of sleep combined with working hard full time is the cause. If you can take a few months off of work (doing 20 hrs work a week works too), get to the gym and sort your diet out (cut down on fat and try to remove red meat and sugars) you'll feel much better. It's working for me :)

deleted 8y ago
[deleted]

abc_lisper 8y ago

You are my doppelgänger. I live in US, am not an American, and feel exactly like this. I don't know if my parents (not in US) felt like this when they were my age, or it is only an American problem, or only an American problem of this generation. People used to think for their kids and grand-kids financial future. That seems so out of the window now.

beauzero 8y ago
It used to be. My parents didn't. We are trying to do better to leave something for my kids like my grandparents did for my parents.

TheLegace 8y ago

Your brain probably just got really good at adapting because it needed to, there was no choice really. So I wouldn't feel to to bad about it that it ended up that way. It was just a natural consequence of your environment. If your environment is different now you might have to develop new habits and mechanisms for dealing with the anxiety. Now maybe the answer that problem is not just exercise but mentally stimulating/challenging exercise that will rewire your brain(dancing, martial arts, music, yoga). But it's possible that the rewiring process will have to be stronger than that the original wiring that causes anxiety. So it might be a huge time and emotional investment, but if your serious it might be possible, especially since the stressors no longer exist in your environment. People on HN talk a lot about going into different states of mind and that seems to be very effective and switching your conscious process to a completely different one[1]. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consciousness#States_of_consciousness https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consciousness#States_of_consci...

sorryforthethro 8y ago

> I constantly feel like disaster looms around every corner. Sorry if this is unwelcome, but I recognize this feeling very well. I'm a lifelong CBT patient, in CBT we call this "catastrophizing", recognizing when you are falling into that thought pattern is the best way to break out of it.

vvanders 8y ago

Just throwing this out here and you may already be familiar with it but I know a lot of people who have similar feelings who wrestled with imposter syndrome. Parts of that sound a lot like what I see in developers feeling like they aren't capable and will be fired at any time for being an "imposter" despite being totally awesome, knock it out of the park engineers. Either way, talking about these types of things helps and if it's causing you as much stress as it sounds like see if you can find someone to talk to about it(mentor, counselor, etc).

ergothus 8y ago
Thanks for the note. Imposter syndrome is definitely a reality, and something that has really burned me in the past (the situation I described is about a decade old now) but I think I'm managing that well enough now. Or at least, in line with fears that the economy can tank badly, that I can get crippled in a car accident, stroke, etc. > talking about these types of things helps Absolutely - I've been looking. So far one counselor and I agreed it wasn't working (she "fired" me (graciously) at the appt that I was going to do the same) and another -I- declared wasn't working (I was too (over)analytical for someone who wanted to bulldoze over that), but finding therapists with openings that took my insurance was not going well. New job in the last few months means new insurance, so I'm trying again now that the holidays are over.
- vvanders 8y ago
  Awesome, sounds like you're already well on the right track. Different things work for different people but keep on trucking and I think you'll get there.
- KyleJ61782 8y ago
  Instead of looking into CBT, you may try looking for therapists who utilize Solution Focused Therapy. I found one who approached things that way and found it to be tremendously helpful. She approached things initially from a very standard inventory of my family history, personal values, etc. and then tended to let me direct my counseling until I realized I had reached a point that I was ready to stop my regular sessions. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me a PM.

kingkawn 8y ago

Feel like the idea that life shouldn’t contain anxiety does more damage than the actual anxiety.

bmj 8y ago
There's a kernel of truth there, but there's also a difference between "reasonable" anxiety (concern over you and your family's health and well-being), and the sort of manufactured anxiety that the article mentions (constantly being barraged with information about your performance/grades, for example).

teekert 8y ago

Sounds pretty familiar. I have it to the point that I can only truly relax when I travel for work, alone, but when traveling with the family I am an un-enjoyable ball of stress because I feel I need absolute control and we're just going to get screwed and dropped of at unsafe places etc. I guess I always dealt with it by thinking: I can take anything (sleep on the street, fight, etc). But my family can't. It's difficult to relax. Being aware of it has helped the last years (a career coach pointed it out) but the rewiring is slow.

bluesroo 8y ago

While a different situation, I had a pretty rough childhood and felt very similarly (feeling of disaster always looming). It took a long, long time to reprogram myself from constantly thinking "yeah alright, I got a promotion... But I know my new manager is going to fire me any minute". Or while I was still in school "sure, THIS test went well but I know something stupid will ruin my big project". All of the anxiety would also cause disasters! e.g. Over-studying and staying up too late leading to being late for tests in the morning. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy! It took a long time to just let myself be successful without worrying that it would all fall out from under me. Let yourself be happy: you're financially stable and in a good marriage which is better than A LOT of people can say. Bad shit will always happen, but at least you're in a position to deal with it! Be prepared (savings, insurance, keeping your marriage happy) and roll with it rather than being terrified of it.

gammateam 8y ago
Try a form of consequentialist nihilism I think it helps, a framework for you to realize what matters and what doesnt, with a focus on how it helps a beneficial consequence Like, are you over studying because you might die if you dont know how to do something? Or is it just a less optimal habit
- DyslexicAtheist 8y ago
  nihilism and existentialism helped me overcome quite a lot. things like Thomas Ligotti's "The Conspiracy Against the Human Race", and Emil Cioran's "The trouble with being born" have opened my eyes to a new way of thinking that doesn't revolve around societies fetishism of positivity & optimism.
  - Gatsky 8y ago
    I think that nihilism is only useful in a fairly narrow set of circumstances, namely the otherwise healthy and succesful young to middle aged person suffering from ennui. I spend a lot of time with people that are dying (for work, not for fun). I can tell you that nihilism is cold comfort for them.

sshumaker 8y ago

I’d recommend finding a good therapist that specializes in generalized anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in particular can be really helpful at giving you tools to manage it.

sshumaker 8y ago
(If you live in SF feel free to PM me for a suggestion).
germinalphrase 8y ago
If you feel the stress/anxiety is strongly impacting your life/wellbeing - then I strongly second this recommendation.
harrumph 8y ago
>I’d recommend finding a good therapist that specializes in generalized anxiety. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in particular can be really helpful at giving you tools to manage it. I would recommend the same, for myself and many of my friends and family who went through similar things and have similar symptoms. Unfortunately such therapy is market priced in my major US city at $400.00 an hour, and health insurance plans even in the top tier of coverage quality produce surprise bills constantly. There is a significant material barrier to every dimension of health in this country and we absolutely cannot make progress on outcomes until we destroy that barrier.
toufiqbarhamov 8y ago
I suffered crippling social anxiety when I was in my teens and very early twenties, got just the kind of help you recommend and I’m happy and functional without needing anti-anxiety medication. I cannot agree with your recommendation enough, it’s hard work, but it’s life changing.
stephenbez 8y ago
I just read the book "The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure". About 1/3 of the book is how kids these days are being taught values that are pretty much the exact opposite of what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches and how that leads to more anxiety. Instead of learning: "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" and to not assume someone's intentions, they are being taught to be on the lookout for microaggressions and to report them. Instead of being taught to critically question the feelings they have, they are taught that if they feel something, it must be true.

Wowfunhappy 8y ago

You, as a child, were given responsibility as the "man of the house" because there was no father? Shouldn't your mother have been the head of household? It says a lot about society that a male child was implicitly given responsibility instead of his grown mother. And based on your age, I'd guess this was in the 70s or 80s, not the 50s.

avmich 8y ago
Maybe it's not a binary thing - not all the responsibility, just some of it, which is particularly suitable for boys. I think culturally it happens often, it's not just a matter of old times vs. modern times. Even when mother is the head of household, elder son gets more things around to, um, worry about.
- Wowfunhappy 8y ago
  By "suitable for boys", do you mean just "suitable for children", or "suitable for male children"? In the latter case, what responsibility would be particularly suited to a boy over a woman? Sibling comments have mentioned that having one less parent means every family member has to pitch in a little bit more. That's a fair point, and if it's all that's happening, I retract my criticism. But I think there's also a healthy dose of sexism at play here.
  - avmich 8y ago
    Suitable for male children. I don't like sexism.
    - Wowfunhappy 8y ago
      So, again, what responsibility would be particularly suited to a boy over a woman?
tenacious_tuna 8y ago
I was also a son raised by a single mom. My take: I certainly didn't have authority over my mom, but I definitely felt like I had a lot of responsibility. Households are typically run by (at least) two people, and for good reason. I stepped up where I could--helping manage the dog, helping make food, staying out of trouble when she couldn't watch me, in general trying to keep stress off of my mom--not because I felt like I was in a position of authority, but because there wasn't another adult to help shoulder the load, so some of the load fell to me.

alexashka 8y ago

I feel like things aren't quite adding up - you got married, now you're stressed. Yet you think you're happily married. It sounds like you traded being unhappy single, to being unhappy married. The circumstances have changed, the essence remains the same. If you feel like this marriage not working out would screw up your life - you're right, it will. Being afraid that a failed marriage would screw up your life - is actually screwing up your life, this very second. That's the missing bit - living in fear, even if it's mild, is quite miserable once you start to run out of things to look forward to that'll 'make you happy' once you get them. You got the marriage, look how short lived that honeymoon is - now you're right back to where you where you started from :)

ergothus 8y ago
> you got married, now you're stressed. Yet you think you're happily married Well, yes. Lots of other things happened too - this has been at least a decade of gradual creeping anxiety. But being married has definitely tweaked my "I'm responsible" baggage. > Being afraid that a failed marriage would screw up your life Been there, done that - this is my second marriage. While I in no way want to undersell how bad getting divorced is - even when it's an amicable divorce like mine was - I'm in complete agreement that an unhappy marriage isn't worth it. In this case though, I'm not afraid of losing the marriage - I'm just afraid of failing at my responsibilities, and I'm not even sure if they're marriage related responsibilities, or just adulting. We've been together 12 years now, and she's awesome, including not putting responsibility or demands on me. We could live in a box behind a restaurant and I'm confident she'd love me and not be blaming me. Things have gotten worse for me as I've aged, but I can't say for certain the cause. Saving for retirement, health care, paying the mortgage, these are all things I associate with my marriage (and thus I mentioned it), but that may have been misleading. This could be being an adult, this could be my own success (I'm making almost 10x what I did 20 years ago, unadjusted) giving me more to lose, this could be my lack of friends as I outage many of my coworkers and the others focus on their families, this could be deteriorating health making me feel more vulnerable (I'm also 60 pounds heavier than 20 years ago), this could be the looming dementia on my father's side, this could be... ...a really unhealthy list of things to focus on. :) . Regardless, I appreciate the intent of your post, I can see how I made it seem like my marriage was responsible, but I don't see the line of causality. If it's that I AM in a happy marriage, but I'm afraid of losing the ability to enjoy that part of my life, but then the cause isn't an unhappy marriage.

artificialLimbs 8y ago

You may need to do some organizing, goal setting, or writing. Or maybe all of these. If you're worried about how you might have screwed up the past, you might want to write (or type, whatever) to organize your thoughts. If you're a more verbal person, maybe talk about these things with someone. If you get things out of your head and into words, it can help you organize your brain so that instead of foggy, murky chaos, you can start to come up with a plan of action for dealing with the things that you believe are bringing anxiety. Make some (reasonable) goals, with deadlines, and try to meet them. You may need to adjust them as you go, or you may do them terribly at first. This is fine. Just keep going.

magic_beans 8y ago

You might consider body-focused trauma therapy. You were deprived of a childhood and it traumatized you.

sitkack 8y ago

I am you. Every line of it.

FundThrowaway 8y ago

I find myself struggling with somewhat related situation, everything in my life is going good, happily married and a great job that I love however I find myself wanting to watch the world burn, I get excited about the prospect of war and the collapse of society. I keep it under wraps and don't mention it to anyone but I'm really not sure what's wrong with me.

gandutraveler 8y ago
A friend of mine shared similar story with me. He sold his company, has enough money, travels a lot, married etc but he secretly hopes for the war, chaos . I felt that he just wants a reset in life which he can't do himself due to society, family pressure and hopes some external event will do it for him.

ethbro 8y ago

For me, something that really helped was mindfulness. Sure, being aware of everything good in your life too (classic mindfulness). But more importantly, asking two simple questions: "What actions can I take about this worry? And on what timescale?" For a large number of my worries, if I was honest, there was either nothing I could do, nothing more I could do, or nothing more I could do at this time. And if the answer was nothing, then I decided to stop thinking about it. I was surprised how many worries fell into this category. Or how exercising this ability influenced how I deal with new worries. (Now, it seems much easier, and harder to just let fears run away with me) For the optimizer, the way I backdoored into this was realizing "Worrying, in many situations, makes me less effective."

xtrimsky1234 8y ago

"Doctors tell me I should exercise more" Do you exercise enough? Running has helped me a lot with stress. I used to hate running at school, and now its something that helps me relieve my stress, and i'm much happier.