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Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

• arn 16y ago
  Having a baby changes everything. And it's weird how you can't even imagine it ahead of time. To answer some of your questions: - Your ability to produce will go down drastically - Your priorities will change. - You will be more tired, and your time will be at a premium. I think the time issue is the main one. Especially for those reading this. I feel like a lot of hackers like sitting down for hours during your free time to do stuff - personal projects, items of interest, startups. Your free time really disappears with children (at least at early ages). Not to say it's not rewarding in itself. It's just that it's like being in a cult. You can't understand until you're in it, and you can't imagine things any other way.
  • michael_dorfman 16y ago
    It's just that it's like being in a cult. You can't understand until you're in it, and you can't imagine things any other way. This. I've got four daughters, ranging in age from 3 to 13, and even though the "baby years" are behind me (until the grandchildren come, presumably) things are still not "the other way"-- if I can even remember what that was like.
    • Vivtek 16y ago
      Oh, goody. You have the teen years ahead of you then. Talk about sheer terror - they're busy learning to be separate adults and they will fail. Ugh. My daughter (16) is the most mature, cautious person I have ever known in my life, and it's still terrifying.
  • Yaggo 16y ago
    So true. Before my kid was born (now 1½ years old), I optimistically thought I'll be able to work at home while baby caring, which turned out to be very naïve idea. It may work with a newborn, but definitely doesn't with a toddler.
    • Tyrannosaurs 16y ago
      In the UK if you apply to your company to work from home it will certainly be dependent on you having separate childcare arrangements. You're absolutely right though. My daughter is 16 months old. On a day when I'm looking after her on my own I might get one 45 - 90 minute chunk during the day where I could do something approximating to work (when she sleeps - though you've probably got clearing up, catching your breath and other things in there depending on the mood they've been in). Other than that you might be able to read and reply to the odd e-mail, check the odd thing or make a quick call or two (so long as you're happy with the possibility of a child shouting in the background) but nothing that could be classified as productive - certainly don't even think about coding being something that might happen. That all runs from 7am to 7pm. Once they've gone to bed you have to eat, clear up and get ready for the next day before you start thinking about what you want to do. On a good day where they're behaving you can clear up as you go and you're set by 7.30pm, have eaten by 8pm and you're good to go. On a bad day you've eaten by 9pm and you're dead on your feet. Looking after young kids is full time and I will never question what stay at home mothers do with their day again. Still wouldn't change it though - I miss having time to do the things I used to do but I'd miss her far more.
  • arn 16y ago
    seems relevant to this topic is this blog post about having a special needs child, in relationship to happiness and children: http://jenniferlawler.com/wordpress/?p=747 http://jenniferlawler.com/wordpress/?p=747 Was highly voted up in HN http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1539833 http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1539833
    • camiller 16y ago
      Wow, I must have missed this the first time around. And while I haven't had exactly the same experiences (all the surgeries) My son(now 9) with Down Syndrome (and hearing aids for both ears since 18mo, and Asthma, and braces for both ankles, and thyroid dysfunction, and dairy allergies) had his own set of issues and I really relate to that post. He wasn't walking on his own till age 5, still potty training, daily meds for the thyroid/asthma, trying to get him to keep the hearing aids in, etc. On top of that my wife has had five back surgeries and really shouldn't lift him. I still wouldn't trade the experience, I think I am a better person for it.
  • zeraholladay 16y ago
    I couldn't have said it better. Priorities do change. In my experience they become more focused out of necessity. Basically, I think you're forced to pick what's important. That's usually the baby and only one other thing: reading a book, programming, working, etc. I'm only talking about from the father's perspective. The child tends to engage the mother more for his/her needs. So women tend to have less flexibility since the child demands more from them. For example, after 1.5 years my wife is just starting to get enough free time to pick up her hobbies again.
• davidw 16y ago
  It's overall a great thing that I wouldn't go back on, but it does have some negative repercussions on work, in terms of time to work on your own stuff, and even cutting into '9-5' type jobs. In some ways it's quite frustrating, actually, because you can't be there all the time for a child and also be there all the time for work.
• awt 16y ago
  Completely changed my life. I have a 3 week old. You have to relearn how to do everything. You have figure out new ways to do things that used to be easy: Cooking/eating Going to the store Sleeping I'm not giving up on my side projects though. My strategy has been to think about my project while actively caring for the baby and to sneak in some coding sessions while she's napping.
  • KoZeN 16y ago
    Congrats! How are you coping with the sleep deprivation? I'm a father to a 6 month old boy and I got to a point where I was so tired I felt I could see through time.
    • redwoods 16y ago
      Classic!
    • awt 16y ago
      Probably getting 5 hours a night and a nap mid day so doing ok. It is hard getting up in the middle of the night though.
• deleted 16y ago
  [deleted]
• TimLangley 16y ago
  Provides perspective Disclaimer: I have a 3 yr old and a 2 week old Running a start-up is tough (mentally, physically and emotionally). In my experience the emotional one is the toughest. Having a baby (and hence children) helps to put all the "junk" things into perspective. Sure they impact on sleep / time - but so does my start-up (in this case they fit right in)
• albahk 16y ago
  I have a 4.5 month old daughter and my life has changed in the following ways: - every day is much more structured around the baby. Get home from work, feed her, put her to bed at 8:30pm, she wakes up at 6am, feed her, go to work, etc. -Its like being on-call 24-7 so expect very few opportunities to get in the "flow state" when working on your app/startup. - I have a full-time job (not related to software) and in the past I planned to quit to work on a startup full-time but my risk tolerance just went to zero as I now worry about having money for the baby. My startup will need to be throwing off at least 2x my current salary before I consider quitting my job. - Its hard to have your own time to do anything, let alone work on a side-project.
  • DirtyAndy 16y ago
    I've got a 4 year old and a 6 year old. All valid things you raise here, and they certainly still apply with mine at their current age. A positive though, that may not apply to everyone, but certainly applied to me: They make you grow up Suddenly there are other people that really depend upon you. Whilst finding the time to get a startup running is harder, I think the motivation to succeed is stronger than it was when it was just me with few cares in the world.
    • phillytom 16y ago
      My kids are the same age and I agree completely. At some point after my kids were born I found that the change in responsibility made many other areas of my life simpler. Once I began to understand how I could fully commit myself to my children and what it means to have kids that fully depend on you, many other things became easier to prioritize and commit to, or reject. It was easier for me to focus at work and realize that I need to make that time valuable, it was easier to exercise and eat right, it was easier to say to no to people and drop activities that were not core to what I was doing. Maybe clarity around priorities is what changed the most for me.
• deleted 16y ago
  [deleted]
  • Yaggo 16y ago
    Apparently you have none. Kids, I mean.
    • quicksilver03 16y ago
      Too bad that the comment you replied to was deleted, although the choice of language wasn't the better it was the only one dissenting view on the entire page.
      • sharkey 16y ago
        I didn't notice the [deleted] and it made sense to me :-) Obviously, I haven't got any wiser. (I do think I try harder not to be unwise, though ...)
• diN0bot 16y ago
  is anyone commenting here female? or have anecdotes with respect to how women are effected? i'm particularly curious because of the physical and hormonal changes that a woman goes through with respect to child birth and breast feeding, etc. how are the time, side-project, changes curves effected in this particular case?
  • julietteculver 16y ago
    I'm 38 weeks pregnant so can't comment on having a child yet, but the physical impact of pregnancy took me rather by surprise. In particular, I just haven't been able to sit at a computer for that many hours of a day for the last two or three months. Getting an iPad has certainly helped somewhat with that, but haven't found any way to actually do programming comfortably for long stretches. I feel like my brain is still in full working order though which is a relief!
    • dgabriel 16y ago
      When I was pregnant with my twins, I worked full time, mostly from home. The key was a sweet recliner, good laptop, and laptop stand. I got plenty done. After they were born, I spent so much time nursing them for the first 2 months, that I had plenty of hack-y time (alternating with episodes of Buffy). You need a good nursing pillow and a comfortable seat, but you need those even if you're just watching Buffy. My beloved cooked all the meals, did most of the errands, and was generally as awesome and supportive as a man can be. It helps that he was working from home at the time.
      • julietteculver 16y ago
        lol, since I started on maternity leave I have in fact alternating hacky type stuff with watching Buffy! (which I'd somehow managed to never watch, and should keep me going for a while) Thanks for the tips too!
        • dgabriel 16y ago
          Just a warning: there's a place between 3 months and a year where your evening productivity may drop, depending on how well your baby sleeps. I was doing ok for a while, then went back to work full time, and got pretty much nothing done on my side projects until they were a year old. Now at 18 mos, they sleep from 7:30 - 7:30, and it's much easier.
• leftnode 16y ago
  I have a little boy who just turned 7 months old yesterday. I spent a good part of the night in the emergency room because he had uncontrolled vomiting. It's definitely a trip, but I love it. Starting a business around it is hard. I applied to YC, but I'm fairly confident I won't get in because I can't live in California for 3 months. Contrary to what some other people on here have said, I've actually found more time to work on side projects and my startup. If my son wakes up at 330 and wants food, I'll just stay up then and I have a good 3 hours of uninterrupted work time (he'll usually go back to sleep after the bottle). Having a little boy motivates me much more than not having one. I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family. I also enjoy being young and having a son (I'm 26). I'll be 43 when he goes to college, which means I'll be young enough I could do another startup then.
  • mreid 16y ago
    > Having a little boy motivates me much more than not having one. I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family. That's an admirable goal but don't sacrifice too much of your time with the family now chasing after the dream of time with your family later.
    • c4urself 16y ago
      completely agree; they only grow up once.
    • leftnode 16y ago
      Well, that's another reason for wanting my own company: I'm my own boss. I no longer have to get PTO approved, and report to a boss. If I want to play hooky for a day and spend time with him, I can easily do that if I'm independent; not so much if I have a 9-5.
  • crocowhile 16y ago
    >I want to build a successful company that makes me independently wealthy so at some point, I can spend my time with him and the rest of my family. Sorry for being cynical but this really sounds like a cheap excuse to justify why you cannot spend time with your baby now. I have a 9 monhts old myself and it's pretty obvious that he prefers having a present dad around right now, rather than a possibly wealthy dad in 20 years.
• drblast 16y ago
  Living with one child is like living with a demanding, but mostly reasonable, roommate who really likes spending time with you until she goes to bed early. Having two or more children is like living in a circus where all the performers are deaf.
  • victorj 16y ago
    So true! I'm parent to a couple of twins (2.5yo) and the selective deafness is what really puts me down
    • petervandijck 16y ago
      I've found that you need to get down to their level and look them in the eyes to get around that. (Supernanny tip, works!)
      • wiredfool 16y ago
        No two kids are alike. And, things that work for nannys don't always work for parents.
        • SeyelentEco 16y ago
          Hell, things that work for one PARENT, don't work for another. My daughter acts awesome with me even when I take care of her all day for weeks, but she's a complete terror around my wife.
  • dansingerman 16y ago
    Best two lines of prose I have read on the Internet today. Or this week in fact.
  • roadnottaken 16y ago
    I wish I could up-vote this more.
  • seenuupadhya 16y ago
• thinkingeric 16y ago
  I have a 3yo and 14mon old. Just about everything revolves around them, except for a precious couple of hours in the evening, when I have to decide between programming etc. and cleaning up. Because of professional demands on my time (tech lead at web dev shop), my wife ends up bearing a much larger share of the responsibilites for the household than either of us would like. If there isn't some kind of professional pot o' gold after all my effort, the inequity will just seem unfair -- and in retrospect I will just look like a typical selfish guy. The fussing seems constant sometimes, which is wearing on the nerves. Although I do spend several hours with the kids everyday (daycare exit to bed time), I'm too tired to be the engaged parent that I thought I would. "Inspiration .... to do more"? Absolutely. The financial pressure has increased tremendously. But these are 'the rough times' .... right?
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    Spending time with your kids -> relationship with them gets better -> it becomes more fun to spend time with them. I don't think chasing a pot of gold is worth giving up time for your family (that you'll never get back), but that may just be me.
• moconnor 16y ago
  I've a 2 year old son. A lot of comments about sleeplessness and being on call 24/7 stop applying after a few months, when a baby sleeps through the night. I find I have less time in front of the computer, but more motivation and inspiration while I'm there. I still have plenty of energy and time to create interesting projects (http://yieldthought.com/post/1345897970/10-flaws-that-made-my-weekend-app-possible http://yieldthought.com/post/1345897970/10-flaws-that-made-m...). I had more time beforehand, but I can't point to anything worthwhile that I achieved with it.
  • shwn 16y ago
    "after a few months, when a baby sleep through the night" You mean when _your_ baby sleeps through the night - mine didn't until 12-14 months or so :)
    • moconnor 16y ago
      s/a few/20/
      • pcglue 16y ago
        22 months and counting here...
• bmj 16y ago
  I have two kids, aged 7 and (nearly) 5. Yes, it absolutely changes your life. The degree to which it does, however, is up to you. My wife and I waited 'til we were both 30 to have kids (we had been married since we were 24). Because we waited, we decided that we'd go all in when we did have kids--one of us would be at home with the kids, and likely homeschool (which we are doing). We made the commitment to change our lives in order to be parents. We weren't going to shoehorn kids into our lifestyle. Additionally, be ready to sacrifice your time for your partner/spouse's sake, especially during infancy. Both parents need some time away, particularly if one is at home with the child. Early on, I considered my time at work my "free time," and was willing to give up trips to the climbing gym in the evenings so that my wife could get out of the house. As I said, this is only temporary, and as your kids get older, it's easier to share what you love with them (that's why we've never stopped climbing since we had kids--we can easily do it together, and the many road trips have provided lots of bonding experiences). Another thing I've come to realize is that raising your children really is a way to make a positive contribution to the world. The work you do as a parent is profoundly important, more so than any hacking project or start-up. You will have time for your own big ideas again, so don't waste the opportunity you have with your kids.
• spanx 16y ago
  I have a 4 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. It's an amazing experience bringing children in to the world and raising them to be decent, loving, energetic, passionate, all that stuff. And I totally agree with bmj when he said raising children should make a positive contribution to the world; my wife and I are completely dedicated to ensuring our kids question, learn, play and enjoy life to the max. And I'm also a CTO at a new venture, with all the pain and hard work that involves. And it is hard with kids, keeping the balance, etc. However, it is that balance that keeps me sane, the kids bring joy when the job sucks, and vice versa. I bloody love being a parent.
• signa11 16y ago
  we just have different sets of toys that's all !
• sclopit 16y ago
  one thing I don't see mentioned so far is that children give you some perspective on leadership. this means: 1) learning how to communicate values (as opposed to rules) 2) learning how to steer them away from paths that are not opportunities for growth and into those that are. these are both things that any development team could use
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    Absolutely. Also: how to assert yourself. How to set boundaries. How to communicate seriously. How to praise. Etc.
• RyanMcGreal 16y ago
  There's a two- or three-week period, usually around the six month mark, when your baby can sit up unaided but can't yet crawl. During this time, you can put the baby down on an activity blanket (supervised, obviously) and enjoy maybe five or ten minute contiguous stretches of uninterrupted time to do stuff. Note: activities like preparing a meal and straightening up the place tend to take priority over developing a startup. A few suggestions to help make things easier for you: * "Attachment parenting" early on pays off hugely in more independent, more emotionally secure children later. Invest in a Trekker [1], Snugli [2] or other baby harness that lets you carry the baby facing inwards or outwards and frees up your arms to do other stuff. * Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding. * Seriously consider breastfeeding. Once established (usually takes a few weeks to get really comfortable with it), it's so much healthier, easier and more convenient than bottle feeding that I can't understand why anyone who has the option wouldn't take it. (Disclosure: I'm male, but my spouse agrees 100%.) * Accept and embrace the fact that from now on, all your plans are contingent. Learn to build big buffers around all your scheduled activities. Get in the habit of keeping a utility bag with you at all times. * Don't waste your money on a change table. You will change that baby's diaper wherever you need to do it. (We've changed our baby's diaper in the trunk of our car.) * Don't forget that you and your spouse had reasons to be together before the baby was born. As soon as the baby is old enough, get back into the habit of going on dates and otherwise spending time together. Don't miss opportunities to let your spouse know how much you cherish them. A little act of kindness at a crucial moment can radically transform your family dynamics for the better. I'm sure I'll think of more, but that seems to be a good place to start. As always in anything to do with children, YMMV. [1] http://www.babytrekker.com/ http://www.babytrekker.com/ [2] http://www.evenflo.com/category.aspx?id=23 http://www.evenflo.com/category.aspx?id=23
  • lordmatty 16y ago
    * Seriously consider having the baby sleep in your bed with you, especially if you/your spouse are breastfeeding. In my experience this leads to drastically less sleep. You disturb your baby and your baby disturbs you. We put the baby in another room and invested in a baby alarm. * Seriously consider breastfeeding. Yes, but don't pressure yourself too much...the most important thing is that the baby eats properly. Bottle feeding gives you the critical advantage of being able to measure how much the baby eats. * Don't waste your money on a change table. I would say invest! After a week or so of leaning over to change our baby it really affected me sitting at the computer to code. Bad back means bad news for your startup.
• lordmatty 16y ago
  I have a six week old daughter and am running an iPhone dev Agency in London (Future Workshops - 5 employees). Having a daughter is an amazing experience. Its hard work, but your heart melts at the smallest things. Its true when people say that it changes the way you are for ever. On the flip side, I found work difficult after the birth. I could operate on a small amount of sleep before, but after my daughter was born the lack of sleep was relentless - kinda like going out on the town every night for two weeks and then having to work a full day. Our clients have been amazing - heartfelt congratulations and baby clothes in the post, but (rightly so) they still expect project delivery. I feel that I'm out the other side now - I've trimmed my social commitments and delegated in the right places to my employees, who have stepped up to the task. I've got a good understanding in place with my partner about my time also. If you are going to have kids and run your own business make sure you plan for reduced sleep and vastly reduced effectiveness after the birth. Things will get back on an even keel quickly enough if you do!
• stusmith1977 16y ago
  New father, with 8-month-old son: - The first three months just have to be got through. Think of it as a survival test. Lack of sleep, complete change of family dynamics, no sex, no relaxation. - You might well find yourself resenting the baby. No-one admits to it though. Everyone says "it's magical" and "you love them unconditionally". There are nights when that won't be the case. You and your partner just have to help each other, and don't be afraid to say to them "I just need a couple of hours away from the baby". Obviously you have to do the same for them. - After three months generally any collicky issues settle down, and they start smiling and really recognizing you. Now it gets good! - Routine (in my opinion) is everything. We used a modified Gina Ford routine and he was sleeping 7pm - 8am every night by 5/6 months. I'm tired in the evenings but only in the usual way - no more exhaustion. - It's unbelievable how much you care for them. When you hear their pain cry (the staccato one; not just the usual crying) you drop everything and run to them. - The biggest change/loss at this stage is the loss of intimacy (and I don't necessarily mean in bed) with my wife. Little things like "shall we go out for dinner on a whim" or "here's breakfast in bed" are very difficult to achieve. - Spare time is almost non-existant for me, apart for a few evenings when wife and baby visit grandparents. My admiration for people with both startups and babies (and especially side-projects and babies) is enormous. Can't tell you about the later years (not there yet), but I'm looking forward to just being part of a family with a little mini-me to re-experience the world with.
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    "I just need a couple of hours away from the baby" -> after the baby has eaten and been awake for an hour or so, take them for a long walk. They'll likely sleep, and your wife gets an hour (or two!) to rest. Also AMEN to the routine thing. Create a routine. It works. For babies, this worked for us: 1. Sleep. 2. Wake up (they are now rested) and immediately feed. Now they are rested and fed, and will play happily. 3. Play. 4. back to sleep at the FIRST sign of tiredness (do NOT let them become overtired).
• JunkDNA 16y ago
  The time issue is the biggest adjustment for me. I'm in my 30's and have spent 2/3 of my life goofing around on my computer in my spare time (which I apparently had boatloads of, though now it is hard to remember what it was like). I now have a 5 month old girl. The hardest thing to adjust to was the time issue. I have a 40-min train commute to my job, and that gives me my biggest chunk of free time all week. While it is easing up some, the lack of sleep is really hard. I get up several times in the middle of the night to just give her a pacifier and soothe her back to sleep. As a result, I'm much less productive at work. In spite of all of that, I wouldn't change a thing. All I have to do is look at her smile in the morning and it reminds me what life is really all about.
  • trigger 16y ago
    Not having so much free time is certainly a problem. No more hacking away for the whole day/evening/night. Nowadays I'm lucky if I get a straight 2 hours. The one good thing about this (aside for my beautiful daughter of course) is that it's made me knuckle down and focus on goals. Knowing that I've only got one hour to get a particular task done is a great motivator.
• x0t 16y ago
  I just had a little boy on 05 OCT 2010. The biggest thing I've noticed is I no longer have much time for my side projects (freelancing) outside of my day job (network administrator). I have to cram fits of coding into little hour blocks of time when the kid is asleep, it's not very productive. I'm not terribly exhausted, but I am tired. I'm still interested in all the things I was previously interested in, but I have to focus on the kid now and put those things aside until he's old enough to communicate better and isn't near as helpless. Lastly, I don't know that he gives me inspiration so much as motivation. Previously I worked to pay the bills so my wife would be comfortable, now it's for my son and wife. If I was single, my living requirements would be far less. I'd likely have a small shack in the middle of nowhere and far fewer possessions. That being said, I love my family and my life as it stands. I wouldn't have it any other way.
  • redwoods 16y ago
    Congratulations.
    • x0t 16y ago
      Thanks so much!
  • Tyrannosaurs 16y ago
    Congratulations and a bit of advice. The worst, in terms of tiredness and exhaustion comes around 6 - 8 weeks. Right now you've probably still got enough adrenalin in your system from the excitement to help you through but that will wear off over the next few weeks. My wife (who had previously worked 100 hours a week plus as a junior doctor) commented around week 6 that she was so tired she thought she might die. But it does bounce and start to get better after this. Not sure whether babies just start to improve around then, whether parents start to get the hang of it around then or whether the tiredness leads people to take control of things more than they had before. My recommendation would be rest all you can now, don't try and cram other things in for now - there will be (a small amount of) time later. I think it was somewhere around 4 or 5 months when things started to feel a little bit back to normal and you can start looking at personal projects and hobbies.
• asanwal 16y ago
  Have a 1 year old. Have found: 1. Increased desire to move out of ramen profitability as that is not what enough for baby. 2. Baby provides clarity of vision - You're not just doing this for yourself or you and sig other The hardest part is getting used to the loss of control. That said, it's fantastic (as well as fantastically tiring)
• rycs 16y ago
  I have a 4 year old and I'm 26 now, it does change your priorities for sure but more than that you start to realize "you just can't afford to fail", failing when you are on your own is less of an issue than when you have a kid, and that same pressure to not fail will have different consequences on different people, for the ones with the entreprenurial gene it will most likely be a motivator, for the ones without that entrepenurial gene/mindset/spirit will increase their fear of failure and make them pass opportunities or not give it a shot to their ideas. All in all, I think, it's a great experience! very rewarding even the downsides (you know, lack of sleep, diapers, etc) are not as bad as they sound, you kinda get used to it and trust me, raising a happy kid is priceless, so changing diapers for a few years and missing some sleep hours is a very small price to pay imo.
• flybrand 16y ago
  4 year old boy and 1 year old girl. Two things change; Time. I'd worked in banking fresh out of school - have a problem? Throw hours at it. +100 hour weeks were no problem. Not so now - much more than 60 and the big one will ask me where I've been. Responsibility. Kids connect you to the world; things that were once meaningless, now matter. I care what the two of them do all day, are they getting a good education, eating healthy, exercising, etc. Your role as Dad requires much more oversight than your role as spouse.
• jeffmiller 16y ago
  Having a baby completely reset my perspective on being alive. The big news in my house today was that our 1.5-year old daughter said the word "yellow" for the first time. That may sound cliched if you don't have kids, but consider that not too long ago my daughter was an inanimate object--and not too long before that she didn't exist at all--and now she's pointing at yellow objects and saying "yellow". That's magical stuff. Having a baby means you get to experience these small magical moments every day. Pre-baby, I was often getting caught up in minutiae which now seems so unimportant. I think the paths we all tend to naturally take--go to school, start a career (or a startup), climb the ladder, etc--conspire to make us slowly lose perspective. It sort of bleeds away over time. But having a baby smashes that all, and presses the reset button. It's sort of like the syringe-full-of-adrenaline scene in Pulp Fiction, but in a good way.
• mdoyle 16y ago
  Having babies has brought more substance to our lives. We have 3 girls under the age of six and I am approaching 40. I wish we had them when we were younger if anything. Its difficult getting time to do everything.. full time job, spending time with family, hacking, starting up, etc. My girls are fantastic company and make me laugh constantly, and give me much love, They can take any stresses away in an instant. They can also add to my stresses when they are being 'challenging' young humans. They inspire me to do more for their benefit. I have been exhausted for the last six years and expect I will be until they leave home! There will be plenty of time to sleep when I retire.
• redwoods 16y ago
  1. It's the best thing ever. Do it when your ready but if your ready younger that's great. You need all the energy you can get. If I could have done it younger I would. 2. I only felt truly grown up when I became a dad at 43.there's something about putting your own sleeping child to bed, the privilege, joy and responsibility are amazing. It's not that your not grown up if u don't have kids but it made me feel more solid and that's a better platform for launching a business - for me anyway. 3. While you will be more risk averse with kids the benefit is assessing opportunities more clearly. 4. I have just started reading "Raising Babies" by Steve Biddulph a psychologist. Very enlightening on the issue of putting tiny kids into day care. Basically, avoid at all costs if possible according to the latest research. The best thing in the world is looking after your own kids and when they are tiny this is best for them too. As another post says : don't shoehorn them into your life, change your life to fit around them. 5. The first 12 months of a new baby are a blur of exhaustion. Don't fight it, accept it. You can't do 10 eighteen hour days in a row anymore... And that's a good thing too!
• grandalf 16y ago
  does anyone want to create a google group or something to have ongoing discussions about baby/child issues with HN-minded people? I do.
  • run4yourlives 16y ago
    pfft, yeah, cause we have time for that. :-)
  • x0t 16y ago
    Done! http://groups.google.com/group/hn-parents http://groups.google.com/group/hn-parents Maybe this would be better suited for The Fridge, though?
    • Tichy 16y ago
      OMG - that means HN will have a kids branch soon, won't it? Hacker kids are a scary thought :-)
• midnightmonster 16y ago
  Slightly off topic parenting discovery: if you're the dad in the USA, you can count on general approval or at least tolerance for just about anything you do with your kids in public so long as you're not hitting them or screaming at them. It's kind of insulting that the standards are so low, but most people still seem to expect dads to be clueless, and/or they treat taking the kids out in public by yourself as an extra credit activity for fathers.
  • ceejayoz 16y ago
    Amen to that. I've gotten the "how nice, babysitting duty?" thing a lot, which I find really insulting. "No, this would be daddy duty" is my usual response. I tend to get it especially when I'm dual-babywearing (Ergo carrier in front, Cocopak carrier in back) at the grocery store.
• jamesriley 16y ago
  What an amazing community - it's so insightful to hear comments from people at a stage I hope to acheive one day. I'm a full time web developer, not long out of University with dreams of running my own projects and getting recognition globally for my efforts. My time forever feels limited, balancing my relationships, work, personal projects and other interests at times feels impossible. Not to mention sleep, something I would happily have none of if I could survive, yet also at times enjoy it more than anything in the world. Yet when I hear of those with children to balance and still pushing to reach great heights professionally - I'm encouraged as it never slips my mind how 'lucky' I am not to have such responsibility. I use 'lucky' in quotes, as the irony is - I'm aware I'm missing out on having a child who I imagine to be the biggest source of joy and pride one could feel. I have a girlfriend who I love and the occasional thought of feeling a little overwhelmed and craving more time to work on my own projects is overshadowed by the motivation boost I get from knowing I'm not just working for myself. We're all working to be happy, all pushing for the best life for ourselves and our loved ones. The quest for the perfect balance will likely never end, I guess we just need to do what we feel is best at that point in time. Best of luck to all those putting the work in while still raising a child - I'm sure it can be difficult but also hugely rewarding. Thanks for sharing!
• coliveira 16y ago
  I have one. There are many changes, and most of them are good. First you need to survive the first few weeks without much sleep. After that, the main thing is to adjust your schedule to help with the baby and to play with him/her. It sure takes time, but you won't believe how that time is well spent :-)
• Vivtek 16y ago
  Oh, where to start? Having a baby entirely eliminates your life and replaces it with a different one. And you can't undo it. You cannot spend all your time on a project now - you have to change your priorities. This is not an option, and unfortunately it's not something that happens magically by itself, either. Like maintaining a marriage, it's something you choose to do because not to do so is unthinkable. The payoff will come a decade from now - or two, and it will consist of knowing (1) you made a good human being, and (2) you yourself are so much more mature and focused that the rest of your life will go much better. Just as long as you choose to have the right outcome - because #2 can also consist of your being a broken, bitter person who feels they trashed their life. There is nothing like parenting. It's the headiest mixture of ebullient joy and sheer terror that's ever existed. My kids are 16 and 11, they're both smarter and more capable than all the rest of humanity combined, and all in all I think we've succeeded - but it hasn't been at all easy. Would I undo it, given a time machine? No. I was a callow idiot until I had kids. Now I'm a more seasoned idiot, but I have a lot more gumption to do something that might fail. Because having kids guarantees one thing - you're going to fail. At lots of different things. And then you're going to keep right on going, past the failure, and make the best of things, because you have no choice at all. Ultimately, it hardens you to risk. I have to recommend it.
  • rahoulb 16y ago
    Agreed - you sacrifice who you are/were but become a better person for it. (I've got 2 girls - 6 and 16).
  • donohoe 16y ago
    Agreed. There is no way I could explain to my past-self how parenting would change my life. In fact if I did a good job of explaining it then I would have been terrified of becoming a parent ('what do you mean I can't go to a bar any night of the week till 5am!?'). However there is nothing to be afraid of. Priorities shift. Things that were important to you beforehand, things you thought defined your sense of self, or you couldn't live without - no longer matter as much. You find a new focus, a new center. Until that point you're still the center of your own universe in a large sense. After a baby is born you're in orbit around that center.
  • 16y ago
• Tichy 16y ago
  Two weeks in, I definitely feel more determined than ever, but sleep is still a problem. A couple of months into the pregnancy I took on a 9 to 5 job, which I wouldn't have considered otherwise. Then it became a problem to quit that job again, when it turned out to be boring (like most jobs) - risk aversion is definitely way up, also for the spouse. Luckily now the company branch dissolved anyway, problem solved. I actually don't feel that now it is my duty to get a secure job to feed the family. Of course feeding the family is a priority, but it seems more important to me to be able to show my son that it is possible to have a fulfilling life, a ka have fun at work. If I went to another 9 to 5 job now, it would just result in a depressed father and possibly also a depressed kid. I don't think buying more shiny toys would compensate for that. It floored me that it is considered normal by society that the father simply is away working and rarely ever has time for the kid. Certainly not what I want.
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    "to show my son that it is possible to have a fulfilling life" -> (Throwing my hands in the air): AMEN to that! I think teaching values is partly explaining things to your kids, but mostly being an example. You do NOT have to become a boring 9-5 man when you get kids. Rather, become a scrappy entrepreneur who can afford to spend heaps of time with his kids because they have that flexibility.
• jokull 16y ago
  I have a 7 month old son. I'm 24 years old. Me and the girl started going out about 4 months into her pregnancy. I wanted to give it a shot and it didn't work out in the end (just split up). My advice is to not fool yourself. It's going to take all you have, so be ready to sacrifice your startup, social life etc. There will be time later for that. Just go at the same speed as the girl does, going from maternity and babycaring to getting a babysitter and going out. My second advice is to give it a shot.
• webgambit 16y ago
  I have four daughters ages 4 to 14 and the one thing, without a doubt, that kids did for me was that they help me to slow down and appreciate the little things in life. If it wasn't for a my daughters (and my wife, to a lesser extent) I'd probably do nothing but work and sleep. But they keep me grounded in the rest of the world. And something as simple as a few minutes watching a show or playing a game together brings me more joy than it ever did before I had them. As for you questions; yeah, it'll can change your priorities, inspire you to do more or do different. And, as you can see in the rest of the comments, having a baby instantly requires everyone to give all the advice they wished someone had given them. My advice, ignore 99.9% of what everyone tells you. Doing that is what kept my wife and I sane.
• usiegj00 16y ago
  I'm father of 6. Ages 7,5,4,3,2 and 8 months. (I'm atheist before you ask.) My best work--in technology has coincided with a pregnant wife. Between our disappearing nightlife schedule (more hack nights FTW!) and the caveman drive to go hunt on the plains (which for me means more LOC), a pregnancy has been productivity heroin. Yes, a baby does change your life--in other more significant ways. The intensity of emotion cannot be described. But you will know it when you are holding your own son/daughter in your arms for the first time. Don't dilly-dally. Have kids early. While you believe you are underfunded, underprepared and "distracted" with your tech startup.
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    Wow. Agree with not waiting to be "ready" to have kids.
  • theycallmemorty 16y ago
    I've never heard a person with 4 or more kids say "I wish I didn't have so many kids. I wish I had more money/time/energy to spend on my startup/cottage/whatever."
• galisevych 16y ago
  sure it is changing the life, and everything around. Sometimes it is hard, but isn't it why we live our lives? You can be selfish as you want to be and you will die alone, without anything worth living.
• hunterjrj 16y ago
  I'll comment from witnessing how intense focus on a startup during it's earliest phases can affect a family with very young kids: Founder of a software startup I used to work for was highly dedicated to his work and as the company began to see success, his family fell apart. He spent time traveling to meet with his customers and occasional travel turned into constant travel. When he wasn't traveling, he was working. Eventually his wife demanded a separation and eventually a divorce. I'd sometimes be on the road with him and can recall more than one occasion when he'd be calling home to wish his kids happy birthday. I found that to be a little sad. Now he sees his kids on weekends. Lives alone in a beautiful, but empty, house. Clearly this won't be the case for everyone but unless you are able to strike a balance you might find success comes at a very high price.
• csouth 16y ago
  I have 2 kids (7 years and 4 months) and 2 on the way (I know I work fast). What I can say above all is I do everything that I do for my kids. To run through your questions. Yes you will get inspiration from your kids as you hope to inspire them in some little way at all times in their life. Your life's priorities sure do change (or at least should). Your life become about your kid more or less. At least mine has. You will hit points of exhaustion. Its figuring out how to limit those times that becomes the trick. With all that said its the greatest thing ever. Think of it as a little "startup" that you cannot let fail. You put a lot of time into it and in turn you get all the return you need the first time that baby smiles at you and it ISN'T because of gas heh. At no point have I thought it wasn't worth it. Its been a crazy train ride but fun the whole way.
• audax 16y ago
  I am a new dad with a three month old boy. He has definitely changed our lives. With a family, especially children, it changes your priorities in life. Suddenly instead of plugging away on the computer late into the night, you want to spend time with your family. So it means a lot less time to work; but more motivation, cause it is not just about you. Having a spouse that is actively involved in raising your child, is immensely helpful. In summary, probably less work time and harder to stay focused; but greater overall happiness.
• julius_geezer 16y ago
  Well, you're on somebody else's schedule for the next many years. Get out of the late night feeding world, and presently you're coordinating schedules with day-care providers and then schools (not always to be distinguished) that you cannot afford to upset. (I vividly remember one Friday afternoon at the end of the government fiscal year; some chosen software was taking a divide-by-zero error on DOS 4.0, and the COTR wanted to know whether she should pull the invoice and buy from a competitor. Meanwhile I had a babysitter who needed a check before she left the country for a couple of weeks. Fortunately, a quick repartition to bring C: back under 32 MB fixed the problem. I was home by 5 pm.) It does not make everything else seem uninteresting--children can open up new areas of interest for you. But your priorities change drastically.
• petervandijck 16y ago
  3-year old toddler. 1. You suddenly have a lot of ideas for baby/toddler startups. 2. Spending time with them is the only way to go. That means your time management skills will probably (have to) improve. 3. No 9-5 is great with kids: you can make time for them whenever. 4. The first year, forget about coding at night etc. You'll need all the extra sleep you can get. 5. Kids have a sense for when you're not present. You can be in the room with them cleaning stuff, no problem. But the moment you sit behind your computer (and hence are not "there" anymore), they'll come and pull you away from it. 6. Thinking you should work more time so you have more money for them later is just really misguided. They need you. Now. Not later. They don't care at all about your professional success. They need you. 7. Kids can't be rushed (not without drama ensuing). 8. For a small baby, a few hours is like an entire day: they wake up, poop, play, eat, and go to sleep. The cycle that takes you a whole day happens in about 2 hours for them. When they're small babies, you can put them in a sling, they sleep, and you can sit in front of a computer and get a little work done for an hour or so.
• d4nt 16y ago
  I have a 3.5 year old and another on the way. Some observations: * It was about 8 weeks before I could have an hour to myself in the evenings to watch TV. Before that I was in a constant state of rushing to get everything done. Fortunately I rode the train to work so that gave me 30mins to chill. * It made me way more efficient with my time, I can't believe how much time I used to waste. I'm now ruthless with time management - having 30 minutes to myself is a luxury and will quickly be allocated to fixing bugs or catch up on reading. * The financial pressure focuses you on what's really important. I've learned to live on a lot less personally - shame I now have higher costs overall. * The way you plan things changes, you have to allocate at least 30mins to "getting ready to go out". * It'll make you a better communicator, depending on how your career's gone so far, having a child may be your first exposure to really asserting yourself with someone, simplifying technical concepts on a regular basis (the other day I had "Why can't I see my eyes?") and "hacking people" (I'm thinking of things like using distraction or turning going to bed into a race). * I think it makes you more pragmatic and less idealistic. You know that the way the school admissions system works is supposed to be fair but you will shamelessly game the system when it comes to your kids.
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    "having a child may be your first exposure to really asserting yourself with someone" -> amen to that. I've learnt a lot.
• jtbigwoo 16y ago
  The biggest change for me was the lack of free time to do everything. I can still make time to do what I enjoy, but I don't have time for reading books and watching tv and working out and sports and going out with friends. I have to choose one or two things that are most important. In hacker terms, I was running at a baseline of 10% CPU before the kids and could add whatever other activities I wanted without getting overwhelmed. After the kids, I'm running at 40% CPU (90% for the first three months of their lives :) ) and have to be more judicious about what additional activities I take on.
• ericb 16y ago
  I have 2 kids under 2. The first one was a shock in terms of the amount of work and sleep deprivation involved. The second wasn't as much of a shock just because we new what to expect. I'm not going to sugar coat this--it more or less destroyed my productivity for quite a while (1st 9 months per child) and this is because of lost sleep, mostly. My children are not great sleepers. Also, my first child had some medical issues that we had to deal with that tied us up at first. I don't see my friends as much, and they are still in the single life which puts some distance between us. The effect that having this amount, and type, of love in my life was not something I could have understood before I did it. It is truly wonderful, and awesome. As someone who sometimes found the love and loyalty of friends to be less than I would hope, having kids who love me this much is stunning. Granted, not every dad is as attached as I am, or as involved, so ymmv. Having kids is one of those decisions that I think is hard to make in the sense of, you really don't know how you'll feel when you do it, and your imagination of what it is like is not representative of how you really feel once you have them.
  • igravious 16y ago
    As the father of a daughter of six-years-old, I know where you are coming from. The sleep deprivation, the feeling for the first time in your life that you would gladly give up your own life if it meant saving (God forgive me for saying it) the life of your child. Even though I've read The Selfish Gene by Dawkins and I know it is all biological evolutionary programming the feelings that are triggered after the birth of your kid are very difficult to put into words. It also made me realise why my parents made some of the choices they made in their lives. And parenthetically - not saying I agree with them but I didn't have the requisite empathy back then and having a kid gave that to me I think.
    • Vivtek 16y ago
      Yeah. Both of our kids had (still have) uncurable diseases. (One kidney, one Crohn's.) For five years we did nothing but health maintenance - and by God we succeeded in restoring their health. But you just don't have the option of saying, "No, this is too hard, I'm quitting now." Because by doing that, you're dooming your child - a person who depends on you completely. This meant that my wife, for example, took five years out of her career after getting her PhD in theoretical physics. She's just now getting reestablished, and that isn't an insignificant part of one's life. But ... you have no choice. So you man up and do it. Along the way, you think back to the older people you've known in your life - your parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts - and you suddenly realize why they were the way they were.
• msurel 16y ago
  A better question is how doesn't having a baby change your life. As others here have said, it changes everything. Some of the changes are good, some are annoying and honestly some of them just plain suck. But you deal with it because that eating, pooping, crying, sleeping (sleep is optional) machine becomes the single most important thing in your life.
• brc 16y ago
  Just remember raising kids is what you are basically designed to do. It's not a project to outsource, or to delegate, or to bend to the latest fads. There's an entire industry designed to take advantage of your cluelessness as a new parent and make you purchase things out of guilt or stress. Just remember millions of kids are raised in mud huts next to wood fires. Do what feels natural and appreciate you're going to make mistakes. Do some reading but don't obsess with a particular author or movement. Cherry pick what works for you. To answer a question directly, having kids does inspire you to do more but gives you less resources to do it. You will make new friends and drift away from old ones. But above all, remember that this is what you're designed to do.
• lusis 16y ago
  Initially, you're going to be pretty sleep deprived. Don't expect to get much done. You're also going to be REALLY distracted by every little snort and sniffle. Somewhere around 6 months, things will SORT of get back to normal. One person should be able to reliably watch the kid while the other gets some valuable "me' time. One thing you need to be prepared for is taking time off of work. You'll have to. It's not fair for one spouse to deal with all the responsibility. If possible, you should both attend the pediatric visits for the first year. The one thing you cannot prepare for is the amount of love that will take over your life. I'm not a touchy feely kind of guy but you'll have waking nightmares about something happening to your kids and sometimes some really bad dreams. I think that's a side effect of the fact that you have someone who depends on you entirely for everything. this little person is your responsibility and you love them so much and they love you so much. It's overwhelming. It changes your world view. Where you REALLY hit a rough spot is on the second one (depending on the age of the first). My second son came when my first was 21 months old. That's two in diapers. One parent CANNOT watch both kids for extended periods of time at that age ESPECIALLY if you're breastfeeding (which you should at least give a shot). The biggest suggestion I would make is this: If you have any dreams of being an entrepreneur, discuss with your spouse about how far along you want to get in that process before you have kids. You'll have to put it on hold for at least 6 months if not a year. I love my kids and wouldn't have it any other way. Yes, it changes your life and priorities.
• timjahn 16y ago
  Our first son is nine weeks old now and it's hard to believe the changes we've all gone through since his birth. >> So does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more? Absolutely. I'm more inspired than ever to make BeyondThePedway.com a sustainable business so my wife can not work next year and stay home with our little guy. I want to create the best lifestyle possible for us and him, so the inspiration is there like never before. >> Or maybe you change your life's priorities? This happened too, at least for me, but it relates to your previous question. My biggest priority now is creating a happy lifestyle for us, where I can work when I want to, and enjoy all of my kid's life. I want my wife to do what she wants to. So yes, it's changed my priorities a bit, but for the better. And I couldn't be more excited. >> Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting? This is where your mileage may vary...a lot. Our little guy is amazing, started sleeping 4-5 hours for the first leg at night right out of the hospital. And he's done it consistently. I don't get up more than twice during the night with him. I was exhausted a bit in the first few weeks because I was still trying to work at night (I'm a night guy), but once I switched to going to bed when he does at 8-9pm and getting up earlier in the morning, it made a world of a difference. >> How does having a baby change your life? Makes you so happy. Changes your outlook on everything. A whole new set of eyes looking at every aspect of you life in a whole new light. You realize he's going to be a teenager one day. He's going to do all the things you did or didn't do. Indescribable really. :)
• deleted 16y ago
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• trizk 16y ago
  I think it depends on both yours and your spouses contribution to taking care of the child. It also depends what number child you are on like ericb said. The first child is always the hardest and can be a distraction for a couple of months. After those couple of months, and even if you have more children the distraction becomes a need to support your family over your startup. If you can fund your startup and your family without making them suffer, AND you have a supportive spouse in terms of the hours you have to put into your startup, then you are all set. Edit: I just noticed your user name is kia, so there is a high probability that you are female. Although it is not exactly "right" it is "traditionally" expected for a woman to be more of a contributor to taking care of the child than the man. Thus, it depends greatly on your spouses willingness to forgo gender bias and help you. I would suggest that you be very open and thorough in your communication about how you will share the responsibilities of the child.
• arjosoer 16y ago
  No doubt it changes your life. Less sleep, less time for your self, basicly your life resolves around your kids lives. The good part about kids if you are trying to start your own business is that it adds a constant to your live. Your business is a wild roller coaster ride but no matter how bad your day was or how big the disappointment your kids are there at the end of the day. It makes you realize on a daily basis that there is more to life than a business a product or a job.
• gregpilling 16y ago
  I have 3 kids - 6 years old, 3 years old and a fresh one at 5 months. I would strongly recommend sleep training them from day one. My wife is a strong proponent of her own good night sleep and our kids were sleeping through the night at 5 weeks, 7 weeks and 8 weeks respectively. If you can get them sleeping, that is half the battle. After that, it becomes a scheduling issue but it is not that bad. My wife is a big fan of the book "On Becoming Baby Wise" but don't read too many books. Just use your best judgement. You will also discover yourself doing things that you had never dreamed of - like a 3 year old yelling to you "Dad, come wipe my bum!" or calmly dealing with a child projectile vomiting and having a bowel movement at the same time. Children amplify the highs and lows of life. The smallest things they do become huge triumphs in your life (look! the baby smiled!). It is wonderful and I could not imagine it any other way. You can still accomplish anything that you want to - my wife got tenure a week before our second child was born. I have started 3 companies while having kids. You get better at time management and it helps to have a little staff. We use a maid service and have a full-time nanny. The older kids now go to school and so we have a little structure (and I have the time between 8:30 and 11:30 in peace and quiet). You learn how to structure and delegate. You can't do it all yourself, so you have to figure out how to manage time and people. Once you get these skills, then you can actually get MORE done than you could before. For anyone concerned about doing a startup and looking for a partner, have a look at the kid. They may not bring much in the way of technical expertise, but you will never ever want to let them down, no matter how rough the going gets. Each day when you get home and those bright eyes ask you "How was work today Daddy, what did you do?" you will find more accountability and support than you could ever believe. When they get a little older, you buy a Lego Mindstorms and start making projects that move and do things and this gets fun in new ways - teaching your kids to program/hack whatever. You can get them going on Python Turtle and watch their little minds expand once they realize that they are controlling the movements. And as someone else noted, you get a lot of baby-focused startup ideas.
• harscoat 16y ago
  That is a question! I love HN community, joined thx to my awesome cofounder and I have a little 11m son:) This may kill our YC application (we would definitely move to CA, but can a cofounder work as much his a. off with a baby? etc.) but don't want my son be the elephant in the room ;) Here is the answer I can contribute: Fear - I used to be firefighter but before the birth of my son, I did not understand what it really meant. "On his right hand Billy tattooed the word love and on his left hand was the word fear" Cautious Man/Bruce Springsteen. My "treasure", I know I can lose it all. Like I never was, I am all in. Taking a stand - It is a big responsibility. You want to make money for his security, have a stable life to take care of him... but on the other hand you want to show him an example for his own life later on. Who will be his father? Sbdy hiding in a comfortable well paid corporate job, sitting on the side of his dreams? or sbdy who wants to create sthg of value, who takes a calculated risk (this comes with age;) with costs (eg. time to take care of him), but shows him nonetheless what he believes in by what he actually works on. I chose the 2nd. It broke my relationship with his mother. When my son is born, the cycle of life was in front of my eyes and in a strange but positive way when was looking at him I also saw I will die. He changed that I had to be harshly true to myself (I am still working on it). You can lie to yourself but not to your child. This "not to BS yourself" burns (at least for me). I had to make a decision. All in. Wonder - Children are the greatest miracle and wonder on Earth. Sthg I kinda knew got clear and more existential, the rest not important anymore. His sheer existence gives me inspiration and focus: to give a tiny bit of this miracle/wonder/awesomeness back, share that wonder fire with others. I now orient my life on 2 things: 1/ truly caring for people (they were also babies;), to listen to them, their own story when you can, and make sthg of value to them, never to take them only as means for your own interest 2/ focus my work on sthg for a minimum of 10 000 hours. (10k h or 10y. rules) (necessary to achieve wonder results, not sufficient). My co-founder and I we build a service for that. Walking the talk, eating our own existential dog food. Something that could help people achieve wonders (doesn't mean big) by doing things, practicing regularly over a period of time... We build it for us and, why not, I really hope my son one day will use it too. This sense of wonder in life, impersonated by my little boy, is what fuels my engine, that's what gives me focus and perspective. I want to build wonder machines which help others to create wonder machines. Might fail, but thank Life, my "whole" is in ;)
• jgrahamc 16y ago
  When the baby is born someone does an execve on you. You inherit your original PID but everything else is replaced. There is no way back to the original process, but you keep open file descriptors to your close friends. Friends without children were likely marked close on exec.
  • scott_s 16y ago
    Friends without children were likely marked close on exec. Hopefully dependent on who the friend is. One of my best friends had a daughter a year ago, and I've seen him about as much as I did before he was a father. (Which is less than I like, but I no longer live near my family and oldest set of friends.) But that works because I'm fine with going over to their house and sitting around talking while watching their little girl try to figure out how to sit up.
    • sharkey 16y ago
      How easy it is to keep in touch with non-parent friends depends largely on their tolerance for sleep-deprived conversations about poo :-).
• knoxbeing 16y ago
  This is our first child and we had it all planned out. Well, either the plan was ill-conceived or just poorly executed because nothing has gone as planned. Example: We adopted across racial lines. We are now a multi-racial family and I thought, why not have a buddy of mine set up a website where I can document my experiences as a father of a child that does not look like me. Thought it might be useful information for some people as well as a place for the birth mother to look in on from time to time if she chose to. The site is up, but there is nothing posted because I have not had time to learn to use it. ....just one of many.
• usedtolurk 16y ago
  I'll try to answer your questions directly and avoid the temptation of giving advice or writing about how awesome fatherhood is. For context, I have a 4 month old baby girl, a full time corporate software job and I just started my "project" two months ago... >So does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more? More inspiration and more motivation but almost no time to implement. The odd thing is that I'm actually getting more stuff done now than before, but I have to admit the bar wasn't set very high. I always knew I was wasting time before but it felt like I had plenty to waste. Since her birth, free time is measured in minutes so I have to make them all count. On the other hand I've had opportunities for thinking while my hands have been full, so when even the shortest window opens I know exactly what needs doing first. I keep taking inspiration from patio11 (see http://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/03/20/running-a-software-business-on-5-hours-a-week/ http://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/03/20/running-a-software-busin... ). If I get 5 hours done it's been a good week, but it's a lot more productive than I would have thought. >Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting? Exhausted yes, but in a different way to how I imagined it - it's not totally debilitating. I'm still very interested in too many things (some new). >How does having a baby change your life? I realised how important family is and how much they depend on me. I spend less time at work and stress less about it. I now try to be fresh and cheerful when I get home even if I don't feel it. I care even less what other people think. I spend less time lurking in forums. I've finally got off my arse and made actual progress. I've got lower expectations. I also have baby spit on all my collars, bags under my eyes and occasional unwarranted grumpy outbursts. But it's all good.
• rdmlx 16y ago
  Life's priorities certainly change. Before I had a baby, it was all about my intellectual pursuits. Now my focus is on how to be a better father. I used to be a big gamer. I sold my gaming system and try to no longer use the computer after I get home from work. Needless to say, this is a huge priority shift and is very fulfilling. I am less inspired to pursue risky dreams, but more inspired to plan for long term financial success. It is exhausting to come home after a long day and be Dad, get on their level and focus on them, but at the same time I have a new found energy that I never had before. (Father of a 20 month old girl and expecting another this December.)
• bstrong 16y ago
  I have a 2.5 year old daughter, and I've found that once we got past the sleepless nights phase, I became more productive on my side projects than I was before she was born. I have dramatically less free time to work on them, but out of necessity I've become much more focused and disciplined about how I use it (no more tv, aimless web surfing, etc.). The net effect is that I'm getting a lot more done. Meanwhile, my single friends are complaining that they don't have any free time for side projects. Hah.
• jason_slack 16y ago
  I have 3 kids 12 (boy), 9 (girl), 6 (boy). My 12 year old is very into Apple and his idle is Bertrand Serlet although he doesn't mind Steve Jobs either. He turned out this way because he was always wanting to do what I was doing which was IT and writing code. He has designed his first iphone app and wants to release it. I must admit that having them was definitely a change in life. It was positive though. Yeah 3am feedings and all night visits to the emergency room are not fun but watching them apply a skill you taught them in the funniest way makes it all worth it.
• Calamitous 16y ago
  There are so many great comments here; I don't think it's possible to describe to someone who hasn't been there. It's not an intelligence barrier; the simple experience of parenthood is impossible to convey. That said, I'll give it a shot: It's wonderful and terrifying and deeply satisfying and the most frustrating thing you'll ever do. Days and weeks will whip past with appalling speed; things that once seemed life-shatteringly important now appear quaint, humorous, and mildly embarrassing. You'll become a better person than you ever thought possible, and will become acutely aware of your every character flaw. You'll never know if you're going to regret it, but you won't care.
• dpcan 16y ago
  1 year after my first son was born I started my business. I was 23. 3 more kids and 8 (almost 9) years later, I'm still working for myself. My first son was my inspiration. This year I decided to become an independent game programmer because I wanted to follow my dreams, and I wanted my kids to see that if you love something and want to be a success at it, you have to just DO IT. And I did. And I'm having success with it. My kids will grow up knowing you don't have to just settle down and earn a buck, but you can do what you love, make a living, and make your own rules. Oh and if you're wondering how your life changes. Well. I think there's only one word for it: completely.
• runjake 16y ago
  I have 8 month old triplets, so my case is a little different than others. As Vivtek said below "Having a baby entirely eliminates your life and replaces it with a different one.". The old you will die off pretty quickly and a new you will be born, it sounds sad, and occasionally it may be, but your life is about to get better in a way that can't be described. I'm trying to come up with something coherent on how I balance time and am able to work on projects. I'll post that, if I'm successful. The short of it is: your current life is over, and you'll have a new one. This isn't meant to be dramatic; it's just how it is. You will adapt, grow, cry, laugh, sometimes get depressed, and many times be in awe.
• T_S_ 16y ago
  Some things I never expected: No matter how bad my day is going, I smile when my daughter walks in the room. 7th grade homework can be challenging at any time of life. I can't wait to find out how what grade I get on my son's science project. My first-born was the first person I ever met that I would hope outlasts me here on earth. Kind of put life in perspective for me.
• trevorhartman 16y ago
  Having had my first child 6 months ago, this transition is still fresh for me. Having a baby makes you feel much more a part of the human race. It also makes your house feel more like a home instead of a simple shelter (in the utilitarian sense). There is much joy in raising a child. Obviously, it takes a lot of time and work, but it's not the end of productivity. I work a fulltime job, home by 5:30, and have to keep myself from working on other projects until about 8pm when the baby goes to bed. That's only 2.5 hours I'm unable to work during week days nights, and I'd normally take at least 1 of those off anyway. Weekends are a little different. There's much more time available but you have to balance it with spending time with the family, so I usually end up working random hours whenever I can (maybe 2 or 4 or 6) per weekend day. Hours alone don't build an app. I think the consistency and discipline that my new schedule requires is helpful in itself. The hours I do have available are now more productive and focused.
• wildmXranat 16y ago
  We are about to bring in a child to this world. Our due date is literally three days away and it has changed the definition of how my free time is structured. It changed what I think about on the drive in to work and what I do with my free time at work. Take my last week for instance. We had a list of things to get and do before labor and spent about 50% of our free time knocking off items from that list. Time between 6PM and midnight, which would be my personal free time, got re-prioritized. Instead of just sitting at the computer and mindlessly throwing myself at a project, I plan it out and almost rehearse it far in advance. In a sense, it made me more focused and taught me to squeeze productivity in the best way possible.
• misterhaywood 16y ago
  Having a baby is the most expensive thing you can do with your life, time and money.
• jonstjohn 16y ago
  Mine is 9 months today. The first six months, he slept a lot and I actually got a lot of side projects worked on (I'm the dad). But, now he sleeps less and is much more active, so when I'm watching him it is all hands on deck. But, it is really awesome ditching the computer and just hanging out and playing with him. I have a whole life to hack on projects, but the time with him now is priceless.
• TheCondor 16y ago
  Yes, it changes absolutely everything. I'll also say it generally makes life better, you can talk about work/life balance before a child but it takes on a completely different meaning. It's not more time at the gym or more xbox or more time outside that you're balancing work against, it's more time with your child. There simply isn't a comparison. Something else, I think I was a great deal more selfish before hand, I didn't think it at the time and I never intended or wanted to be selfish and I don't think I'd have described my self as such. As for work and work related things, it provides an incredible filter. I've always had too many ideas and had to somehow filter through the bad ones but try to honor every idea to see if it's bad, you simply have less time to screw around and you either become more efficient and effective or you become more mediocre. You either embrace that or you fight it. Where as before, I could spend 6 hours on a Saturday morning just screwing around, maybe learning a new tool or language or something, now I've got maybe 1 hour on that Saturday and I have to make that time count more. I was maybe more oriented towards just trying stuff and seeing what happened, now I have to be a bit more thoughtful and it's not an entirely bad thing, when you just experiment and try you kind of don't excercise some parts of your mind the same way. Some of the screwing around some how seems more satisfying now when you can actually do that. In some ways, it redefines "success." I've had mentors and peers that have sort of fallen in to two camps. 1 camp says entrepreneurship is a young man's game, it's countless really long weeks, doing every job you have to to get the company to work, you might just have to grind, at some point you either want to have a life or burn out and then you're done. You might have to choose between a marriage and your buisness. The other camp insists that it's better to have your support structure in place, how can you possibly start and run a really good company if you don't have support at home? That support is a loving family. A child almost forces you to be in the second camp or give it all up. Now, personally, what's interesting is that when I was 23 or 24ish it seemed like there was this spectrum of success that went from Bill Gates style billionaire down to being some hired contractor that did coding jobs to pay the bills. Ultimate success would have been to grind out a decent company, sell it for a billion dollars, take some time off to do stuff that "mattered" (even though I was probably too selfish to really do it) and then try to do it again. Now, building something sustainable that I love is the goal, something that allows some balance, something that would be really hard to just walk away from for a pay day. Something that allows my co-workers and employees to live satisfying lives, start families, and have some balance too. Oddly, that goal seems much better to me and I think it is radically easier to achieve. That is of course after that first rough year to 2 years.... Even if you sleep, it's just a lot to digest having a little human that completely loves you and depends on you for everything.
• mgenzel 16y ago
  I'll strike a somewhat contrarian view: having children doesn't really have to change who you are. You can still enjoy most of the things you enjoy, except you get to bring your children into it, and enjoy it on a new, cool level. We enjoy art & opera, so we take our kids to museums and concerts (we started taking our oldest at 3, our youngest is not ready for opera yet, but can do small concerts). We love linguistics, history, science, so we love sharing these things with our children (etymology is a particular hit with our 5-yr-old). Bonus point: if you're interested in cognitive psychology, you'll get the greatest kick out of observing your children's attempts at modeling the world & language. You like travel? Take your kids with you. Love to read? Share your favorites with kids. I remember how my father always used to re-tell us his favorite books (sci-fi stuff, jules verne, etc). We watch Daily Show each night with our kids (when we go to vote with them, they know stuff, it's wicked cool :) I still spend all my free time doing startups (yes, yes, there's lots less of it, but still). The first year+ was a bit hard (early years fall disproportionately hard on the women as milk-producing & comfort-giving machines, hah), and I must take lots of forced vacations (daycare closed, school closed, child is sick), but... What I'm trying to say, take it easy, and don't worry too much about it. For one, you can't really predict what'll happen anyway, you've got to live through it. As an old Arabic saying goes, "What can the horse tell you about the road he hasn't traveled?" :)
• dreww 16y ago
  keep in mind that everyone's advice is generally predicated on only their own experience, and may or may not apply to your baby
• known 16y ago
  http://www.babycenter.in/baby/havinganother/howtocopetoddlerandbaby/ http://www.babycenter.in/baby/havinganother/howtocopetoddler...
• sabat 16y ago
  does having a baby give you inspiration and ability to do more? Maybe. It hasn't affected that part of me much. My kid's five, and I'm about as driven as I ever was. Or maybe you change your life's priorities? It does, sure. You will suddenly realize one day how much you love your kid. The first months you spend in shock -- Ohmygod we have a baby here! -- but after a while you realize how connected you are to him or her. And the pressure to provider for the baby can be intense. On the other hand, you also realize that if you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of the child. Or you are so exhausted that everything else seems uninteresting? I've had those days. As the kid gets older (than a year, for instance) you are not a walking zombie. The outside world seems like a welcome diversion. Don't worry, you won't lose yourself. How does having a baby change your life? In practical terms: there's some new pressure, and new concerns, but you remain the same person you always were -- just maybe a little bit better because you have to try harder now.
• SethWilson 16y ago
  I only have one regret about becoming a parent.... I should have done it sooner.
• wacheena 16y ago
  My wife had a baby 5mo ago. The biggest change for us initially was lack of sleep. Now that we're past that hurdle (he sleeps for roughly 12hrs at night) the biggest change I'm seeing is STUFF. There's huge marketing pressure to buy things for your baby. Some are a necessity (at least in Western society) like diapers, clothes and whatnot. But there are many, many things you'll see at Target/BabiesRUs/where ever you shop that you don't really need. Humans have been dealing with infants for thousands of years, and most of this stuff has only been around for the last 50. Purchase judiciously!
  • petervandijck 16y ago
    Here's a vote for cloth diapers, especially if you're considering more than 1 kid.
• sblom 16y ago
  Everything anyone tells you about how having kids changes your life is greatly exaggerated. Probably including this. You have an additional constraint to solve for, but it can almost always be solved for. Having a kid doesn't have to change things that are important to you.
• silverlake 16y ago
  I don't have kids, but here's my observation. (1) My father had no interest in kids except to yell and beat us fairly often. (2) A friend is a 40yo single playboy who finally slipped up and had a son, whom he sees every weekend. He adores the kid and "can't imagine life without him." (3) Every time a friend has a kid, he disappears forever. The only clue they're alive are the updated pics of their kids on facebook.
• sdizdar 16y ago
  Having kids makes you wiser.
• projectileboy 16y ago
  You're no longer the center of your own universe. It's really fun 85% of the time. You will have your patience tried in ways you can't possibly imagine (for example, you haven't yet experienced 18 months of sleep deprivation, and no, college and/or your startup isn't the same thing). If you're doing it with a significant other, it will seriously test the strength of that relationship.
• bennyk 16y ago
  I don't know but I will tell you that if I had children almost all the decision I made would have been different and my life would have taken a different turn.Make what you want out of this