22 ms·

Is Loneliness a Health Epidemic?

248 points by dpflan 9y ago

deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
machinecontrol 9y ago
Sometimes I feel like social media actually makes us more lonely and disconnected from others.
- grenoire 9y ago
  You're not alone. In that thought.
- yohann305 9y ago
  This phenomenom has a name: it's called: The "social network paradox". (social networks are anti-social) TC wrote a whole article about it: https://techcrunch.com/2011/08/28/the-social-network-paradox/ https://techcrunch.com/2011/08/28/the-social-network-paradox...
  - rdschouw 9y ago
    From the article: "Therein lies the paradox of the social network that no one wants to admit: as the size of the network increases, our ability to be social decreases." For this reason I've a tiny community of close friends and family on Path (remember that) where we socialize. The slogan is "what's on Path stays on Path". It really works well, it's like Facebook in the early days.
- overcast 9y ago
  It's not a feeling, it's a fact. We've created an entire generation of socially inept and depressed, due to only seeing the world through curated media. Tons of news coverage on this lately.
- colmvp 9y ago
  It's one of the reasons why I stopped logging into Facebook and Instagram a year ago. I realized I wasn't actually feeling better having used it and that the friends I truly cared about kept in touch via instant messaging / email.
- flamedoge 9y ago
  When you take away the effort to meet people, you naturally put in less to interactions
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
- marnett 9y ago
  It is. Get off of it. Ask cashiers how they are doing before they talk to you. Smile at strangers. Make small talk when standing around. Eventually you will find someone who is not indoctrinated into these isolation chambers tossed at us by corporations profiting off of our attention. When you do find someone on the same wavelength (perhaps it might be me!) you can enjoy, even if briefly, a real human interaction - eye contact, smiling, and general positivity in this increasingly more digitized, isolated world. Write letters to your loved ones. Ask friends out to get coffee or dinner to talk about life. The world needs more ludd-lights (my term for luddites, but not so extreme) now more than ever.
  - yelloweyes 9y ago
    If you don't fear being looked at like you have a third eye or people thinking you are a weirdo, then by all means do this.
    - marnett 9y ago
      While you are absolutely correct that people will think you are weird - what does it matter? Having small talk with someone in line at the grocery store is not to create a lifelong friend (although that really is a potential), it is to spread social kindness and communal feeling. The upside, real interaction with individuals who value it, heavily outweighs the downside, a stranger thinking you are weird (you need not do more than dress 'out of style' for this to be the case, really). My experience is largely against what you describe, however. At least in the major city I live, I have literally been thanked, with a genuine smile - one of those real smiles that begins in the eyes - and gratitude, by cashiers when I ask, before they speak to me, how they themselves are doing. Literally countless times. I see these people quite often, as they work at places I frequent. They remember me and we, over time, learn more about one another. May aim was not to be their friend, or even acquaintance, just to build a sense of community. Small talk is the fastest way I've bootstrapped myself into outrageously diverse social circles. Plenty of encounters with closed off people uninterested in me? Yes. Plenty of encounters that went well, spread some smiles, with people I've never seen again? Yes. Plenty of people I have sustained contact with, who are now close friends of mine? Not plenty, but a handful that made all the other encounters worth it. And regardless, what is the alternative? I have to find my friends, acquaintances, strangers interested in similar things, love interests, and mating partners online? No thanks, call me a weirdo please.
- joslin01 9y ago
  Yes it does, I have a comment on that very thing and how it relates to the drug epidemic [here](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16449876 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16449876) you might be interested in.
Terr_ 9y ago
> I don’t believe so, nor do I believe it helps anyone to describe it that way. ^The op-ed writer's buried lede.
lonelythrow 9y ago
> what Prime Minister Theresa May called the “sad reality of modern life.” That reality is mostly for men as it’s becoming increasingly harder for men to find a partner, or even friends for that matter. The women I know have to turn off their dating apps as a result of getting so many matches. The men I know rarely get a match, and these are men who are normal looking with high paying tech jobs.
Aaargh20318 9y ago
If anything the opposite is true: severe lack of alone-time. I'm surrounded by humans all the time, even in your time alone you can't get away from people due to IM, social media, etc. I try to minimise the amount of social activity as much as possible, but I'm still getting overloaded and am slowly going crazy.
- BurningFrog 9y ago
  This is exactly how you don't do science!
- maxxxxx 9y ago
  Same for me. I used to work from home and did a lot of stuff after work together with people. Now I am working at an open office and due to noise and constantly interacting with people I am way too exhausted in the evening to do anything. I just want to be alone in peace. The result is that my social life has almost stopped and I feel quite lonely.
- kakarot 9y ago
  That's just your personal experience and not an objective one. I'm lonely for severe lack of being around humans all the time, and when I am around humans they're often distracted by some form of entertainment. There's nothing that indicates either of our experiences can be generalized.
  - maxxxxx 9y ago
    "There's nothing that indicates either of our experiences can be generalized." Please don't try to generalize. We all have very different needs and what works for one person doesn't work for the other. Acknowledgement and respect of this would be true diversity and inclusion.
    - kakarot 9y ago
      I'm confused by what you mean. I was arguing against generalization in this case?
tabeth 9y ago
Loneliness might be the logical conclusion to a society going more and more towards metrics. Likes, dislikes, upvotes, downvotes. Dissenters are punished, perfection is idolized. Research is pretty conclusive that to have tight friendships you need vulnerability to some degree, yet if people want perfection that implies invulnerability. If you accept these premises to be true, then it seems loneliness is inevitable. As an aside, I also think income inequality might lead to more loneliness.
- majos 9y ago
  As to your last point, I think metrics have heightened inequality in general. Friend/follower count, number of likes, retweets. It all lets you attach a number to popularity and likeability and makes for a quick and simple hierarchy. Loneliness is easy when you see socializing through the lens of who's good and who isn't (and just based on how popularity works, it's probable that a lot of your friends at least look more popular than you). Of course there have always been more or less popular or liked people, but I seem to recall it stinging less when it wasn't readily quantifiable.
- cpsempek 9y ago
  Research is pretty conclusive that to have tight friendships you need vulnerability to some degree I have to admit I don't quite understand this sentence, especially how research might define a "tight friendship" and "vulnerability". Can you provide some information about said research? This topic interests me.
  - tabeth 9y ago
    Generally things like "self disclosure", "trust" and "commitment" are things that are highly correlated with strong friendship quality. I loosely put all of those under the umbrella of vulnerability as self disclosure and trust in particular generally mean you allow someone to use the information given for bad reasons potentially. Here's a good starting point. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/146144804044331 http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/146144804044331
  - kerkeslager 9y ago
truculation 9y ago
I'm conflicted about socialising. It seems at best shallow and trivial. At worst downright exploitative. It seems like a politician's game, or a gangster's. Yet occasionally I enjoy the warmth of catching up with an old friend. 'The ape-descendant will greet [me] in return, but in deference to a million years of evolution, he will not attempt to pick fleas off [me]; Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.' (Douglas Adams)
- brbrodude 9y ago
  Age? I'm a lifelong loner in a 'healthy sense', know plenty of people but could always pick when I wanted to do my stuff or meet people. At 30, I sort of became bored of my own company and now prefer to be with other people & forget about myself, it wasn't like this before. I'd just spend uncountable hours reading on everything and it really hooked me, reading, drawing, programming, learning history, documentaries... Like, everything. But I don't feel like this anymore, I think I dried my curiosity somewhat and have gotten fed up.
  - atomical 9y ago
    I'm headed this direction as well. It seems like I'm getting so much more out of even the most basic social interaction than a TV show or documentary.
- manjushri 9y ago
  Socializing is a game, but that doesn't mean you can't play it with genuine, mutually beneficial, good intentions.
- marnett 9y ago
  It most certainly is a game, and while I enjoy making others laugh when given the chance, when on the lookout for real interaction I just pay attention to the share of conversation in an interaction. Someone who asks no questions, talks too much, lacks eye-contact, says no goodbye - they are merely just being social 'just cause' and are, unfortunately, taken off of my list of people I care to be social with. If you are unable to detect when someone has no interest in getting to know you, and merely wants to leave you with some impression of their social superiority, just pay attention to how much they talk. If they never once get to know you, then do not waste your time with them. There are plenty of great people who are kind and caring - ask questions to people and see if they are willing to open up and listen for a change.
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
billysielu 9y ago
If I wanted to be social I wouldn't even know where to start. There's nowhere to go to hang out and meet people. Folks work and then go home and stay in their houses (UK commuter town). The previous generation might have gone to the pub (bar) but those have been turned into restaurants so even that doesn't work anymore. I even start thinking about going online as the best available option to be RL social. horror I think if we want people to be more social we need to create RL places for them to go. Where everyone knows the score - you go to this place, hang out, chat to each other, play a game, have a drink, have food, etc.
- dfdsdfsdfsdf 9y ago
  Maybe move somewhere else than a UK commuter town?
- humanrebar 9y ago
  The previous generation also went to church. A sizable minority of the current generations still do, though it seems to be impolite to discuss or recommend.
  - DoofusOfDeath 9y ago
    I wouldn't say impolite, just unnecessary. Church services are generally for people who adhere to that religion, or are investigating it. I would imagine that most people in those categories already do attend church.
  - eeZah7Ux 9y ago
    Church attendance has been the biggest social event of the week for perhaps the majority of people in Europe for perhaps the last 10 centuries. Now that most people are fed up with dogmatism and theism the social aspect is gone as a side effect. We need a replacement. An interesting experiment was carried out in the eastern block: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palace_of_Culture https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palace_of_Culture
    - marnett 9y ago
hestipod 9y ago
I am incredibly lonely. Health and financial circumstances pushed me into the worst possible social situation...isolated in rural unconnected America where the only two people I regularly see resent me and it has had a severely negative effect on my already miserable health over the years. Being middle aged it magnifies the issue as it's harder to connect as you age anyway due to life's progression. I saw huge numbers of older people in my previous work who were so terribly alone. It's hard enough when young. A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit. Even though I am an extremely introverted person by most standards I still need social connection to thrive and have felt the best living in big cites with lots of options but I can't find a way back.
- irremediable 9y ago
  I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with loneliness. Out of interest, how are you stuck? (Obviously, feel free not to indulge me if you'd rather not discuss your situation with a well-wishing but uninformed stranger.)
  - hestipod 9y ago
    My life was destroyed by medical errors and my present situation is the culmination of things collapsing and not being able to shrink anymore. Been saying for ages I am gonna lay the story out here and hope for some miracle plan. Intend to post tomorrow morning. Was going to today (keep stalling out of fear of negative or null results, and things keep happening) but this morning my amazing 1mpbs spotty rural internet was out due to lightning so I missed the morning rush hour.
    - tinymollusk 9y ago
      I'm very sorry that you have to suffer through this alone. All I can offer is my electronic compassion -- I hope you are able to find even 1 small thing in this world that brings you joy. Sometimes that seed can flower into something beautiful :). I also encourage you to post part or all of your story tomomrrow. I look forward to reading it.
DrFell 9y ago
The media also tells people everything now. The truth is the accepted group opinion. Viral life truths. You must be in a relationship to be happy. Also, this is conjecture, I think loneliness and despondent anxiety about not being in a relationship feel so similar, people mix them up.
- shaki-dora 9y ago
  Yes, it’s a vast conspiracy. Started by that mainstream bard, Shakespeare.
anvandare 9y ago
"You see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves." - Sōseki, Kokoro
- marnett 9y ago
  Do you recommend this book? Is this a core theme of the novel? I've never heard of it, but I'd love to read about thoughts on social isolation caused from modernism that are 101 years old!
  - anvandare 9y ago
    I definitely recommend the book. If I had to say what the core theme was (without spoiling anything), I suppose I'd say "how a person, out of fear of loneliness, can force themselves deeper into it - like quicksand". You can read it online here, if you'd like: http://www.ibiblio.org/eldritch/ns/soseki.html http://www.ibiblio.org/eldritch/ns/soseki.html
DoofusOfDeath 9y ago
I've heard an assertion that people on the Asperberg's-ish end of the autism spectrum are over-represented amongst software developers. If that's true, I wonder it's a contributing factor for some software developers having trouble making friends once they're out of school, especially once they have kids.
- hinkley 9y ago
  There’s something else called HSP which gets misdiagnosed as spectrum. Your senses are particularly intense and they behave badly when overextended. The difference is that in the morning they understand what they did wrong and leads to a cycle of guilt. This turns them into introverts. This difference also makes it hard to make friends because they expect a lot of insight conversationally and they pick up tells from other people. The joke is that they know how you feel before you do. It’s very offputting.
  - gnode 9y ago
    The condition itself referred to as Sensory Processing Sensitivity: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity
- eeZah7Ux 9y ago
  > factor for some software One in a thousand perhaps? Not really a relevant percentage for the whole discussion.
doughj3 9y ago
Related listening from WBUR's On Point: http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/01/23/the-loneliness-epidemic http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/01/23/the-loneliness-epidem... Vivek Murthy, former surgeon general, answering to "Why is it important to use that word (epidemic)?" > We have used the word 'epidemic' to refer to infectious diseases that have spread in populations, but what we see with loneliness is that it is impacting far more people than many of the infectious diseases that we have worried about in the past that we have termed epidemics. So, you know, this is an epidemic just by virtue of the sheer number of people that this is impacting and how significantly it has spread in the population. This one is a little older but also relevant: http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/03/23/men-middle-age-friendship http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/03/23/men-middle-age-friend...
dalbasal 9y ago
A big chunk of this question straddles the philosophical/semantic divide. We consider emotional ailments, health issues in our times. In that sense, "yes" by definition, if we're seeing a spread of it. It also doesn't take much proving to convince me that loneliness (the physical state, and the emotional lonliness) is related to depression and other emotional states. There's a completely nonsemantic point on lonliness causing physical ailments too, and I think the evidence here is as convincing as anything related to happiness and mental health. Sometimes we think too hard. Put a chimp or sheep or donkey into a bad social setting (no peers, peers change daily, peers hate you...) and they will show signs of distress. Create an environment where these are more prevelant, the ailments will be more prevelant. People too. Lonliness is related to people's relationship s. These have changed. Community is weaker, as our it's institutions. Modern society is more indivualistic, with less social obligation... or contact above a very basic level of commitment. Do you send your kids to clean out ms hegarty's shed, because your aunt told you that she needs help and was good to your mum? Culture has changed, and many of the loneliness-combating relationships are gone. IMO, corporate life has crowded out everything else. This is another point I'm confident about but can't substantiate: work relationships are very low nutrition, and they form most of many of our diets. Some people don't even have that. On May's department of lonliness... What "normally" helps prevent lonliness, is friends, neighbors, family, community.... our modern world has a lot less of that. I don't think the answer is government institutions instead. I think the answer is social institutions. Maybe May should focus on cheerleading instead of doing, try to encourage social institutions that exist, or could.
oldcynic 9y ago
Interesting. No one has yet mentioned today's lack of community. We don't share a sense of place any more, we move around from job to job, families spread around the country or globe. We rarely share an emotional connection and sense of place with our neighbours that our grandparents would have known. We haven't even kept the sense of virtual community that the BBS's had - social networks amplify dissent and engagement, not friendship and connection. That's before you get to the amount of divorce and people living alone, with less and less free time or money outside of work. I'm not the least bit surprised loneliness is becoming a global epidemic.
- hliyan 9y ago
  Agreed. Perhaps this is not exactly what you meant, but I do feel that shared spaces are shrinking and private spaces are expanding. I found this particular quote from The Atlantic quite telling: "The United States is in some ways becoming a medieval society, in which people live and work in the modern equivalent of castles--gated communities, apartment buildings with doormen, and office buildings with guards--and try to shield themselves while traveling between them. They do this by riding in sport-utility vehicles, which look armored, and by trying to appear as intimidating as possible to potential attackers." - Keith Bradsher https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/11/suvs-and-trust/547076/ https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/11/suvs-and...
  - jchrisa 9y ago
    Sell your car and start biking year round. You won't be lonely for long.
    - Omnus 9y ago
      What on Earth could you possibly mean by that? You'll magically make deep, abiding, social ties by riding a bicycle?
      - jpindar 9y ago
        Well, it works for motorcycles. Sometimes I think I should get back into riding just for that reason.
alexashka 9y ago
One is that societies throughout the world have embraced a culture of individualism. More people are living alone, and aging alone, than ever. Neoliberal social policies have turned workers into precarious free agents, and when jobs disappear, things fall apart fast. Labor unions, civic associations, neighborhood organizations, religious groups and other traditional sources of social solidarity are in steady decline. Increasingly, we all feel that we’re on our own. I think this is on point. When people don't feel safe to be themselves at work, the place where they spend most of their waking hours - it can really dampen your mood. In the past, workers were treated poorly, but there was a sense of camaraderie, it was 'us vs the man', a sense of belonging, even if it was in mutual misery. Nowadays, it's worker vs worker for the ever-shrinking number of positions. That's the crux of it I feel - when you're playing a zero sum game [0] with the people you're meant to build emotional connections with, it is very hard to feel good about it. [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_game https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_game
colmvp 9y ago
I think loneliness is especially bad for men as we are prone to hide our mental health and true feelings/emotions, not seek medical attention when we need it, and generally have less intimate discussions with friends as compared to women. So a lot of men end up suffering loneliness for a long period of time without any emotional support. It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless. Regardless of whether its church or a weekly Meetup.com event or a Recreational Sports League, there is an immense benefit to going somewhere where one finds fulfillment while incrementally getting to know a community. Just by showing up and not being a dick, strangers become friends, and often times even more. It's something I always recommend to people in their 30s who are finding it hard to make friends after college. My friend doesn't believe in the Buddhist religion but has attended the same temple for many years, and it's been incredibly helpful for him in terms of making strong social connections.
- drdeadringer 9y ago
  > It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless. "How did you get lonely?" "Gradually, then suddenly." ... I wonder if there aren't many aspects of life like this.
  - hestipod 9y ago
    "Gradually then suddenly" This phrase, it's context, and your follow up thought have affected me in a raw and uncomofortable way I wasn't expecting today.
    - drdeadringer 9y ago
      And similar to yours to me. Many thanks.
    - marnett 9y ago
ConstantineNash 9y ago
I'm very introverted. That, and a couple of health issues, resulted in me being alone during the past few years. I know it's not normal/healthy, but as weird as it sounds, I don't feel unhappy. I enjoy being alone most of the time, and during the rare moments when feel a bit lonely, standup comedy and TV sitcoms make that feeling go away. I spend my time writing, learning to code, working on my startup, listening to audiobooks, practicing digital art. Most of the time I'm having fun and enjoying myself (when health doesn't get in a way), though having a couple of buddies would probably make my life better. The fact that I live in russia doesn't help finding friends, I feel like all the people I'd like to talk to live in the US/UK/Canada, not here. I understand that rationally this can't be true, but I really have no idea where to search for people I'd have a lot in common with. I like people on hacker news and reddit, I like people who's blogs and books I read, I like people who's youtube channels I watch, but I've never met anyone like that in "real life". I could put myself out there and go to meetups or courses until I find someone I like, but the combination of introversion and the fact that my life is kinda nice as it is, makes it feel like it's not worth the effort. Also I really hope that I'll find a way to move elsewhere, so it's not like I'll build lasting relationships here. Maybe one day I'll move to NYC and end up getting my social life on point, but meanwhile, my projects and the internet keep me pretty happy and satisfied.
- wccrawford 9y ago
  I felt the same way until I found a couple girlfriends and eventually got married. I still enjoy being alone, though I do feel vaguely sad that my wife isn't with me during some of that time, especially if it's for days in a row. But being alone doesn't make me sad in itself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everyone is made the same, and some of us don't really have a problem being by ourselves for extended periods. Others have serious problems with it.
- shrimp_emoji 9y ago
  >during the rare moments when feel a bit lonely, standup comedy and TV sitcoms make that feeling go away. As someone from the US/UK/Canada, I hear you! These guys are my emotional support animals. https://youtu.be/lHmMv9eMOZo https://youtu.be/lHmMv9eMOZo
stratigos 9y ago
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97008.Love_Freedom_and_Aloneness https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97008.Love_Freedom_and_A... Check out this book for a good angle on the difference between loneliness and aloneness.
heydonovan 9y ago
As someone that struggles with this, I've noticed a sort of pattern for those who suffer from loneliness as well. Just some observations from a few of my friends that would identify with loneliness too: 1. We either work from home, or work the night shift. Even working the second shift has had such a detrimental effect in terms of no longer going out for happy hours, never having conversations in passing, and never getting to participate in meetings, interviews, etc. I think it takes a certain person to want to work those hours, and I'm slowly starting to understand why there is a shift differential. 2. Having your own set of friends, not co-workers, and not your signifiant others "friends". Life was far better in College if nothing more than all the friends I had. Now friends are usually co-workers and there isn't such a strong bond. 3. Choosing non-social hobbies. I'd even consider the gym a pretty isolated activity, as most people don't talk there, and it's such a serious environment. I tried crossfit for nothing more than the social aspect of it, and felt it was a much better environment than lifting in the corner with earbuds in. 4. Exercise. Of all the people I've talked to about this, none of them exercised, myself included. I read that it has such huge implications on the makeup of the brain, and have seen the results myself. If I can go a few weeks of actually working out, not just pushups here or there, but actual sweat inducing, blood pumping workouts, the effects cary on into the week. I'd also lump in water in there too, since I've gone months with drinking Soda/RedBull/Coffee. All anecdotal of course.
- davesque 9y ago
  I wonder about the exercise thing. For the past few years, I've exercised fairly frequently. And, yet, I still struggle with feelings of loneliness and depression. I think exercise helps a little but maybe less than people like to imagine. As you imply with your other points, you probably have to address loneliness on multiple fronts in order to have a lasting impact on it.
  - marnett 9y ago
    There are a slew of research papers on the benefits of exercise for the clinically depressed, anxious, etc [1]. Most of the research boils down to the fact that, with enough rigor in the exercise regime (typically linked to one's heart rate passing a specific threshold), endorphins are released in the brain, providing a similar positive feeling as would morphine. Of course, exercise will not cure depression, or remove loneliness altogether. But, as I'm sure you know, battling depression is more about having a repertoire of daily habits that shift one's focus to the positive aspects of life. There is no silver bullet, and it truly is a daily effort to ensure positivity, and more importantly self-love, is reached. [1] https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=endorphins+exercise+depression&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjErt_kgNbZAhUNiIMKHSlaAboQgQMIJzAA https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=endorphins+exercise+dep...
zombieprocesses 9y ago
Betteridge's law of headlines : "Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no." This is why I canceled my subscription to the NYTimes and stop following the news so much. Everything is an epidemic. Everything is going to end the world. Are there people with problems of loneliness? Sure. Is it an epidemic? Of course not. Just like the tide pod epidemic last month. Next come, it'll be another epidemic. And the easiest way to spot lazy media is see if the title is a headline. "Will your kids' candy be safe this halloween?" "Did aliens build the pyramids?" In my opinion, the only real epidemic in modern times is people wasting time reading useless media.
- DanBC 9y ago
  > Are there people with problems of loneliness? Sure. Is it an epidemic? Of course not. There are increasing numbers of lonely people, and loneliness causes severe health problems, reducing quality and length of life. All that's missing from the normal definition of epidemic is the element of contagion.
- astura 9y ago
  This article is actually critical of people claiming there is a "loneliness epidemic."
  - zombieprocesses 9y ago
    Betteridge's law of headlines holds again.
dlevine 9y ago
As a man in his 30's who has dealt with loneliness and mild depression on a fairly Two things that I have found to be extremely helpful are: 1) See a therapist (when needed). Therapists have helped me to get out of some of my roughest patches. Even in our society, there can be a lot of shame associated with seeing a therapist, and I'll admit that I've avoided seeing one in the past due to that shame. But it has definitely helped when I felt stuck. 2) Join a men's group (if you're male). There are some great organizations that have regular men's groups. It's powerful to meet regularly with a group of men and having the chance to share your feelings and emotions and work through issues. I found one through The Mankind Project, but there are a number of groups out there that offer them.
- drukenemo 9y ago
  Any examples of organizations you could share?
factsaresacred 9y ago
As a counter-point to the majority of great comments so far, I've been alone for 18 months building an online business and haven't felt nearly as lonely as I did working in my previous job and surrounded by people. Physical Loneliness, i.e. unwelcome solitude, can be crushing. However there exists a deeper, less visible loneliness as well. A mental isolation of one from one's truth: a job one hates, a partner one no longer loves, friends one has outgrown, a path one no longer wishes to thread. At the end of the day, which is more painful—and more common—I wonder? A quote from a truly beautiful article* on this subject springs to mind: > Now and then, especially at night, solitude loses its soft power and loneliness takes over. I am grateful when solitude returns. *https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/double-solitude https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/double-solitu...
rednerrus 9y ago
Didn't Bowling Alone tackle some of this 10 years ago?
taurath 9y ago
Yes it is, especially in the US. A "successful" person lives in subdivisions, cul-de-sacs, or nimby enclaves, we're in our cars most of the time to get anywhere because everything is too far to walk except for exercise. There's little expectation of shared culture other than the weather, and on top of that there are very few spaces that people can mix together without sharing a hobby. If you go out to a suburban or rural area, you have 4 socializing options: the grocery store (not very good for actually meeting people), the bar (if an alcoholic and can afford it), the church (if religious), or the school (if you have kids). Guess what happens to most 18-30 year olds with no kids in those areas? They either move, become religious zealots, get addicted to drugs, have a family at a young age with dicey economic prospects, or completely lose themselves to video games. We need to create better, denser spaces where culture and socialization can thrive in american towns and cities.
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
justaguyhere 9y ago
The biggest rub is this - people say we don't put enough effort into initiating/maintaining friendships, I've tried that. Maybe 1 in 10 appreciate the effort, most people just don't care. I guess it is a numbers game. I don't see any short or long term solution for this. It is only going to get worse, with people spending more and more time to make less and less money and constantly under stress. We should stop worshipping work (especially in the U.S) as if that is the most important thing in life. Any time I see people boasting about the number of hours they put in, it annoys me to no end.
jdlyga 9y ago
Yes, it's difficult. When I first graduated college, I moved to an area where I didn't know anybody. It took years, but I eventually joined some activity groups on Meetup, got better at dating, and eventually got married. Now I'm more focusing on my career. Having social support is absolutely necessary in life.
pmoriarty 9y ago
I've been going to a lot of meetups (from meetup.com) in the past year, and sadly I've come away pretty disappointed, for a number of reasons: 1 - I'm just not in the least bit interested in the overwhelming majority of meetups out there. So there really aren't a lot of interesting meetups for me to choose from. 2 - Way too many of the meetups are actually businesses in disguise. They're looking to sell you a class or get you to pay admission for an event. This might not be a big deal for someone with more disposable income, but it is often a deal breaker for me. 3 - Most meetups meet for just the event itself, and everyone leaves right afterwards, leaving no opportunity to interact with the people there. 4 - For the handful of a handful of meetups which are interesting, not businesses in disguise, and actually leave some time for interaction before/after the meetup: apart from the single shared interest that we all presumably have in the subject of the meetup itself, the people you meet are going to be pretty random and so the odds of making a genuine connection are still going to be pretty low, in my experience, especially if you're shy. 5 - Usually you don't see these people again until the next meetup, which is usually a month later. So you talk to these people maybe for an hour a month. Not much of a chance to make a connection. Overall, I just really haven't had much luck with meetups, in terms of making friends. I've done better with dating sites, honestly. At least with those, I can be pretty sure before I even go to meet someone that we have a whole bunch of things in common, and can pretty quickly sense if there's some chemistry between us, and if not just move on to the next person. It's harder to do that with random people at meetups. Just my 2 cents.
- taoistextremist 9y ago
  I guess it depends on your interests, but I'd suggest going to meetups centered around activities that necessitate or strongly encourage socializing. I go to meetups to speak a different language, and I tend to make pretty good friends at those since the meetups typically revolve around just getting a meal and talking with everybody about life. Aside from that, maybe you could try taking up a hobby you didn't think you'd be interested in? Pretty much any reasonably sized city seems to have meetups for learning how to salsa dance, for example, which is inherently a very social scene where people all get to know each other.
- 4restm 9y ago
amelius 9y ago
Maybe a cliche, but if you're in the pit of loneliness, perhaps a good strategy is to get a dog. You will have a friend, it allows you to practice your communication skills (good for introvert people), and it can help getting into contact with others. Downside of course is that you can't leave the house for longer periods.
- irrational 9y ago
  Other downsides include shedding, dog poop/vomit/urine, vet bills, dog food costs, potential lawsuits from dog bites (I have experience with this one), etc.
throwaway44442 9y ago
I am an extremely lonely person, to the point where I'm suicidal, and I can't say I can pinpoint the cause, only that it's psychological(duh!). I can't equate my extreme introvertism with the rise of technology, in fact I believe that without the rise of technology I'd probably have already killed myself. This way I've managed to get a job despite my social and emotional inpetitude and felt at least a small part of belonging, that I'm at least somewhat "normal", not that it helped much. I don't think when it comes to depression and loneliness that anything has changed when it comes to people, but instead the internet has provided a place where we can write self-loathing walls of which has brought this ever-present issue to the worlds attention, which is in line with the article's message.
faramarz 9y ago
I was in that shoe and definitely felt lonely until I went to a summer camp for adults just outside of Toronto called Camp Reset. It was a digital detox, nicknames only, no work talk weekend event where we played, danced, had meals together, did workshops without ever learning eachothers real names and talking about work. My life changed after that weekend. I can genuinely say the past 2 years have been filled with joy and growth because of the community that formed after going to Reset. I highly encourage those of you who are hungry for a community to find similar adult camps in your area and dive in. It was scary at first not knowing anyone, but now the community is 400 people strong and I have deep meaningful relationships with 2-3 dozen people I DID NOT KNOW 2 years ago. In fact I now live with two housemates I met at that camp. There's a similar camp in California called Camp Grounded. For anyone interested in Reset, i'm happy to answer further questions. I plan to go this year as a co-creator and not just a participant. edit: only after leaving the camp we got to know each other by real names and professions and the range of professions are far and wide.
- atomical 9y ago
  What's the point of nicknames?
  - faramarz 9y ago
    Because you can! It's fun. You get creative, it's a chance to build a persona and perhaps under that persona discover your authentic voice.
swifter007 9y ago
Well, I just created a lonely people discord channel. https://discord.gg/wrkqpXA https://discord.gg/wrkqpXA
pasbesoin 9y ago
It's going to kill me. Anecdote of one.
laurex 9y ago
A) I'm in the midst of some broad-based research around loneliness and technology, and if you'd be willing to take a 5 minute survey, or even better, spread it beyond the tech community, I'd appreciate it so much. I'm working with a number of respected academics in the field, and currently the goal is looking at a significant data set to better identify opportunities. This research will be shared publicly. Here's the link if you're willing to share http://bit.ly/connecting-survey http://bit.ly/connecting-survey B) this article in particular seems a little lacking in convincing evidence, but I think there's a good argument to be made that in the world of Psychology and social science, there's rarely one factor that can be causally identified for cultural issues. That said, there does seem to be enough evidence to support the idea that social connection, and even our self-perception about social connection, has real impact on health and societal factors. Caveat: I have not read this author's book, but the title does seem to imply he's got an outlook he may promote.
- noobhacker 9y ago
  My guess is you'll get more traction if you describe some of your affiliations to establish credibility. Personally I never fill out non-random sampled online survey because the resulting studies aren't likely to be valid.

248 points by dpflan 9y ago

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

machinecontrol 9y ago

Sometimes I feel like social media actually makes us more lonely and disconnected from others.

grenoire 9y ago
You're not alone. In that thought.
yohann305 9y ago
This phenomenom has a name: it's called: The "social network paradox". (social networks are anti-social) TC wrote a whole article about it: https://techcrunch.com/2011/08/28/the-social-network-paradox/ https://techcrunch.com/2011/08/28/the-social-network-paradox...
- rdschouw 9y ago
  From the article: "Therein lies the paradox of the social network that no one wants to admit: as the size of the network increases, our ability to be social decreases." For this reason I've a tiny community of close friends and family on Path (remember that) where we socialize. The slogan is "what's on Path stays on Path". It really works well, it's like Facebook in the early days.
overcast 9y ago
It's not a feeling, it's a fact. We've created an entire generation of socially inept and depressed, due to only seeing the world through curated media. Tons of news coverage on this lately.
colmvp 9y ago
It's one of the reasons why I stopped logging into Facebook and Instagram a year ago. I realized I wasn't actually feeling better having used it and that the friends I truly cared about kept in touch via instant messaging / email.
flamedoge 9y ago
When you take away the effort to meet people, you naturally put in less to interactions
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
marnett 9y ago
It is. Get off of it. Ask cashiers how they are doing before they talk to you. Smile at strangers. Make small talk when standing around. Eventually you will find someone who is not indoctrinated into these isolation chambers tossed at us by corporations profiting off of our attention. When you do find someone on the same wavelength (perhaps it might be me!) you can enjoy, even if briefly, a real human interaction - eye contact, smiling, and general positivity in this increasingly more digitized, isolated world. Write letters to your loved ones. Ask friends out to get coffee or dinner to talk about life. The world needs more ludd-lights (my term for luddites, but not so extreme) now more than ever.
- yelloweyes 9y ago
  If you don't fear being looked at like you have a third eye or people thinking you are a weirdo, then by all means do this.
  - marnett 9y ago
    While you are absolutely correct that people will think you are weird - what does it matter? Having small talk with someone in line at the grocery store is not to create a lifelong friend (although that really is a potential), it is to spread social kindness and communal feeling. The upside, real interaction with individuals who value it, heavily outweighs the downside, a stranger thinking you are weird (you need not do more than dress 'out of style' for this to be the case, really). My experience is largely against what you describe, however. At least in the major city I live, I have literally been thanked, with a genuine smile - one of those real smiles that begins in the eyes - and gratitude, by cashiers when I ask, before they speak to me, how they themselves are doing. Literally countless times. I see these people quite often, as they work at places I frequent. They remember me and we, over time, learn more about one another. May aim was not to be their friend, or even acquaintance, just to build a sense of community. Small talk is the fastest way I've bootstrapped myself into outrageously diverse social circles. Plenty of encounters with closed off people uninterested in me? Yes. Plenty of encounters that went well, spread some smiles, with people I've never seen again? Yes. Plenty of people I have sustained contact with, who are now close friends of mine? Not plenty, but a handful that made all the other encounters worth it. And regardless, what is the alternative? I have to find my friends, acquaintances, strangers interested in similar things, love interests, and mating partners online? No thanks, call me a weirdo please.
joslin01 9y ago
Yes it does, I have a comment on that very thing and how it relates to the drug epidemic [here](https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16449876 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=16449876) you might be interested in.

Terr_ 9y ago

> I don’t believe so, nor do I believe it helps anyone to describe it that way. ^The op-ed writer's buried lede.

lonelythrow 9y ago

> what Prime Minister Theresa May called the “sad reality of modern life.” That reality is mostly for men as it’s becoming increasingly harder for men to find a partner, or even friends for that matter. The women I know have to turn off their dating apps as a result of getting so many matches. The men I know rarely get a match, and these are men who are normal looking with high paying tech jobs.

Aaargh20318 9y ago

If anything the opposite is true: severe lack of alone-time. I'm surrounded by humans all the time, even in your time alone you can't get away from people due to IM, social media, etc. I try to minimise the amount of social activity as much as possible, but I'm still getting overloaded and am slowly going crazy.

BurningFrog 9y ago
This is exactly how you don't do science!
maxxxxx 9y ago
Same for me. I used to work from home and did a lot of stuff after work together with people. Now I am working at an open office and due to noise and constantly interacting with people I am way too exhausted in the evening to do anything. I just want to be alone in peace. The result is that my social life has almost stopped and I feel quite lonely.
kakarot 9y ago
That's just your personal experience and not an objective one. I'm lonely for severe lack of being around humans all the time, and when I am around humans they're often distracted by some form of entertainment. There's nothing that indicates either of our experiences can be generalized.
- maxxxxx 9y ago
  "There's nothing that indicates either of our experiences can be generalized." Please don't try to generalize. We all have very different needs and what works for one person doesn't work for the other. Acknowledgement and respect of this would be true diversity and inclusion.
  - kakarot 9y ago
    I'm confused by what you mean. I was arguing against generalization in this case?

tabeth 9y ago

Loneliness might be the logical conclusion to a society going more and more towards metrics. Likes, dislikes, upvotes, downvotes. Dissenters are punished, perfection is idolized. Research is pretty conclusive that to have tight friendships you need vulnerability to some degree, yet if people want perfection that implies invulnerability. If you accept these premises to be true, then it seems loneliness is inevitable. As an aside, I also think income inequality might lead to more loneliness.

majos 9y ago
As to your last point, I think metrics have heightened inequality in general. Friend/follower count, number of likes, retweets. It all lets you attach a number to popularity and likeability and makes for a quick and simple hierarchy. Loneliness is easy when you see socializing through the lens of who's good and who isn't (and just based on how popularity works, it's probable that a lot of your friends at least look more popular than you). Of course there have always been more or less popular or liked people, but I seem to recall it stinging less when it wasn't readily quantifiable.
cpsempek 9y ago
Research is pretty conclusive that to have tight friendships you need vulnerability to some degree I have to admit I don't quite understand this sentence, especially how research might define a "tight friendship" and "vulnerability". Can you provide some information about said research? This topic interests me.
- tabeth 9y ago
  Generally things like "self disclosure", "trust" and "commitment" are things that are highly correlated with strong friendship quality. I loosely put all of those under the umbrella of vulnerability as self disclosure and trust in particular generally mean you allow someone to use the information given for bad reasons potentially. Here's a good starting point. http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/146144804044331 http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/146144804044331
- kerkeslager 9y ago

truculation 9y ago

I'm conflicted about socialising. It seems at best shallow and trivial. At worst downright exploitative. It seems like a politician's game, or a gangster's. Yet occasionally I enjoy the warmth of catching up with an old friend. 'The ape-descendant will greet [me] in return, but in deference to a million years of evolution, he will not attempt to pick fleas off [me]; Earthmen are not proud of their ancestors and never invite them round to dinner.' (Douglas Adams)

brbrodude 9y ago
Age? I'm a lifelong loner in a 'healthy sense', know plenty of people but could always pick when I wanted to do my stuff or meet people. At 30, I sort of became bored of my own company and now prefer to be with other people & forget about myself, it wasn't like this before. I'd just spend uncountable hours reading on everything and it really hooked me, reading, drawing, programming, learning history, documentaries... Like, everything. But I don't feel like this anymore, I think I dried my curiosity somewhat and have gotten fed up.
- atomical 9y ago
  I'm headed this direction as well. It seems like I'm getting so much more out of even the most basic social interaction than a TV show or documentary.
manjushri 9y ago
Socializing is a game, but that doesn't mean you can't play it with genuine, mutually beneficial, good intentions.
marnett 9y ago
It most certainly is a game, and while I enjoy making others laugh when given the chance, when on the lookout for real interaction I just pay attention to the share of conversation in an interaction. Someone who asks no questions, talks too much, lacks eye-contact, says no goodbye - they are merely just being social 'just cause' and are, unfortunately, taken off of my list of people I care to be social with. If you are unable to detect when someone has no interest in getting to know you, and merely wants to leave you with some impression of their social superiority, just pay attention to how much they talk. If they never once get to know you, then do not waste your time with them. There are plenty of great people who are kind and caring - ask questions to people and see if they are willing to open up and listen for a change.

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

billysielu 9y ago

If I wanted to be social I wouldn't even know where to start. There's nowhere to go to hang out and meet people. Folks work and then go home and stay in their houses (UK commuter town). The previous generation might have gone to the pub (bar) but those have been turned into restaurants so even that doesn't work anymore. I even start thinking about going online as the best available option to be RL social. horror I think if we want people to be more social we need to create RL places for them to go. Where everyone knows the score - you go to this place, hang out, chat to each other, play a game, have a drink, have food, etc.

dfdsdfsdfsdf 9y ago
Maybe move somewhere else than a UK commuter town?
humanrebar 9y ago
The previous generation also went to church. A sizable minority of the current generations still do, though it seems to be impolite to discuss or recommend.
- DoofusOfDeath 9y ago
  I wouldn't say impolite, just unnecessary. Church services are generally for people who adhere to that religion, or are investigating it. I would imagine that most people in those categories already do attend church.
- eeZah7Ux 9y ago
  Church attendance has been the biggest social event of the week for perhaps the majority of people in Europe for perhaps the last 10 centuries. Now that most people are fed up with dogmatism and theism the social aspect is gone as a side effect. We need a replacement. An interesting experiment was carried out in the eastern block: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palace_of_Culture https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palace_of_Culture
  - marnett 9y ago

hestipod 9y ago

I am incredibly lonely. Health and financial circumstances pushed me into the worst possible social situation...isolated in rural unconnected America where the only two people I regularly see resent me and it has had a severely negative effect on my already miserable health over the years. Being middle aged it magnifies the issue as it's harder to connect as you age anyway due to life's progression. I saw huge numbers of older people in my previous work who were so terribly alone. It's hard enough when young. A "remote social life" is not even close to the same thing and chats online or the phone with "disposable friends" and strangers who have a clear and easy disconnect from your real life don't fill the hole a lack of enduring, present human contact leaves and usually take precious energy with no real benefit. Even though I am an extremely introverted person by most standards I still need social connection to thrive and have felt the best living in big cites with lots of options but I can't find a way back.

irremediable 9y ago
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling with loneliness. Out of interest, how are you stuck? (Obviously, feel free not to indulge me if you'd rather not discuss your situation with a well-wishing but uninformed stranger.)
- hestipod 9y ago
  My life was destroyed by medical errors and my present situation is the culmination of things collapsing and not being able to shrink anymore. Been saying for ages I am gonna lay the story out here and hope for some miracle plan. Intend to post tomorrow morning. Was going to today (keep stalling out of fear of negative or null results, and things keep happening) but this morning my amazing 1mpbs spotty rural internet was out due to lightning so I missed the morning rush hour.
  - tinymollusk 9y ago
    I'm very sorry that you have to suffer through this alone. All I can offer is my electronic compassion -- I hope you are able to find even 1 small thing in this world that brings you joy. Sometimes that seed can flower into something beautiful :). I also encourage you to post part or all of your story tomomrrow. I look forward to reading it.

DrFell 9y ago

The media also tells people everything now. The truth is the accepted group opinion. Viral life truths. You must be in a relationship to be happy. Also, this is conjecture, I think loneliness and despondent anxiety about not being in a relationship feel so similar, people mix them up.

shaki-dora 9y ago
Yes, it’s a vast conspiracy. Started by that mainstream bard, Shakespeare.

anvandare 9y ago

"You see, loneliness is the price we have to pay for being born in this modern age, so full of freedom, independence, and our own egotistical selves." - Sōseki, Kokoro

marnett 9y ago
Do you recommend this book? Is this a core theme of the novel? I've never heard of it, but I'd love to read about thoughts on social isolation caused from modernism that are 101 years old!
- anvandare 9y ago
  I definitely recommend the book. If I had to say what the core theme was (without spoiling anything), I suppose I'd say "how a person, out of fear of loneliness, can force themselves deeper into it - like quicksand". You can read it online here, if you'd like: http://www.ibiblio.org/eldritch/ns/soseki.html http://www.ibiblio.org/eldritch/ns/soseki.html

DoofusOfDeath 9y ago

I've heard an assertion that people on the Asperberg's-ish end of the autism spectrum are over-represented amongst software developers. If that's true, I wonder it's a contributing factor for some software developers having trouble making friends once they're out of school, especially once they have kids.

hinkley 9y ago
There’s something else called HSP which gets misdiagnosed as spectrum. Your senses are particularly intense and they behave badly when overextended. The difference is that in the morning they understand what they did wrong and leads to a cycle of guilt. This turns them into introverts. This difference also makes it hard to make friends because they expect a lot of insight conversationally and they pick up tells from other people. The joke is that they know how you feel before you do. It’s very offputting.
- gnode 9y ago
  The condition itself referred to as Sensory Processing Sensitivity: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_sensitivity
eeZah7Ux 9y ago
> factor for some software One in a thousand perhaps? Not really a relevant percentage for the whole discussion.

doughj3 9y ago

Related listening from WBUR's On Point: http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/01/23/the-loneliness-epidemic http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2018/01/23/the-loneliness-epidem... Vivek Murthy, former surgeon general, answering to "Why is it important to use that word (epidemic)?" > We have used the word 'epidemic' to refer to infectious diseases that have spread in populations, but what we see with loneliness is that it is impacting far more people than many of the infectious diseases that we have worried about in the past that we have termed epidemics. So, you know, this is an epidemic just by virtue of the sheer number of people that this is impacting and how significantly it has spread in the population. This one is a little older but also relevant: http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/03/23/men-middle-age-friendship http://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2017/03/23/men-middle-age-friend...

dalbasal 9y ago

A big chunk of this question straddles the philosophical/semantic divide. We consider emotional ailments, health issues in our times. In that sense, "yes" by definition, if we're seeing a spread of it. It also doesn't take much proving to convince me that loneliness (the physical state, and the emotional lonliness) is related to depression and other emotional states. There's a completely nonsemantic point on lonliness causing physical ailments too, and I think the evidence here is as convincing as anything related to happiness and mental health. Sometimes we think too hard. Put a chimp or sheep or donkey into a bad social setting (no peers, peers change daily, peers hate you...) and they will show signs of distress. Create an environment where these are more prevelant, the ailments will be more prevelant. People too. Lonliness is related to people's relationship s. These have changed. Community is weaker, as our it's institutions. Modern society is more indivualistic, with less social obligation... or contact above a very basic level of commitment. Do you send your kids to clean out ms hegarty's shed, because your aunt told you that she needs help and was good to your mum? Culture has changed, and many of the loneliness-combating relationships are gone. IMO, corporate life has crowded out everything else. This is another point I'm confident about but can't substantiate: work relationships are very low nutrition, and they form most of many of our diets. Some people don't even have that. On May's department of lonliness... What "normally" helps prevent lonliness, is friends, neighbors, family, community.... our modern world has a lot less of that. I don't think the answer is government institutions instead. I think the answer is social institutions. Maybe May should focus on cheerleading instead of doing, try to encourage social institutions that exist, or could.

oldcynic 9y ago

Interesting. No one has yet mentioned today's lack of community. We don't share a sense of place any more, we move around from job to job, families spread around the country or globe. We rarely share an emotional connection and sense of place with our neighbours that our grandparents would have known. We haven't even kept the sense of virtual community that the BBS's had - social networks amplify dissent and engagement, not friendship and connection. That's before you get to the amount of divorce and people living alone, with less and less free time or money outside of work. I'm not the least bit surprised loneliness is becoming a global epidemic.

hliyan 9y ago
Agreed. Perhaps this is not exactly what you meant, but I do feel that shared spaces are shrinking and private spaces are expanding. I found this particular quote from The Atlantic quite telling: "The United States is in some ways becoming a medieval society, in which people live and work in the modern equivalent of castles--gated communities, apartment buildings with doormen, and office buildings with guards--and try to shield themselves while traveling between them. They do this by riding in sport-utility vehicles, which look armored, and by trying to appear as intimidating as possible to potential attackers." - Keith Bradsher https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/11/suvs-and-trust/547076/ https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/11/suvs-and...
- jchrisa 9y ago
  Sell your car and start biking year round. You won't be lonely for long.
  - Omnus 9y ago
    What on Earth could you possibly mean by that? You'll magically make deep, abiding, social ties by riding a bicycle?
    - jpindar 9y ago
      Well, it works for motorcycles. Sometimes I think I should get back into riding just for that reason.

alexashka 9y ago

One is that societies throughout the world have embraced a culture of individualism. More people are living alone, and aging alone, than ever. Neoliberal social policies have turned workers into precarious free agents, and when jobs disappear, things fall apart fast. Labor unions, civic associations, neighborhood organizations, religious groups and other traditional sources of social solidarity are in steady decline. Increasingly, we all feel that we’re on our own. I think this is on point. When people don't feel safe to be themselves at work, the place where they spend most of their waking hours - it can really dampen your mood. In the past, workers were treated poorly, but there was a sense of camaraderie, it was 'us vs the man', a sense of belonging, even if it was in mutual misery. Nowadays, it's worker vs worker for the ever-shrinking number of positions. That's the crux of it I feel - when you're playing a zero sum game [0] with the people you're meant to build emotional connections with, it is very hard to feel good about it. [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_game https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zero-sum_game

colmvp 9y ago

I think loneliness is especially bad for men as we are prone to hide our mental health and true feelings/emotions, not seek medical attention when we need it, and generally have less intimate discussions with friends as compared to women. So a lot of men end up suffering loneliness for a long period of time without any emotional support. It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless. Regardless of whether its church or a weekly Meetup.com event or a Recreational Sports League, there is an immense benefit to going somewhere where one finds fulfillment while incrementally getting to know a community. Just by showing up and not being a dick, strangers become friends, and often times even more. It's something I always recommend to people in their 30s who are finding it hard to make friends after college. My friend doesn't believe in the Buddhist religion but has attended the same temple for many years, and it's been incredibly helpful for him in terms of making strong social connections.

drdeadringer 9y ago
> It feels like one of those things which creeps on you, and before you know it, you aren't attending social events, you don't have much energy or confidence, your perception of others becomes skewed, and it all seems pretty helpless. "How did you get lonely?" "Gradually, then suddenly." ... I wonder if there aren't many aspects of life like this.
- hestipod 9y ago
  "Gradually then suddenly" This phrase, it's context, and your follow up thought have affected me in a raw and uncomofortable way I wasn't expecting today.
  - drdeadringer 9y ago
    And similar to yours to me. Many thanks.
  - marnett 9y ago

ConstantineNash 9y ago

I'm very introverted. That, and a couple of health issues, resulted in me being alone during the past few years. I know it's not normal/healthy, but as weird as it sounds, I don't feel unhappy. I enjoy being alone most of the time, and during the rare moments when feel a bit lonely, standup comedy and TV sitcoms make that feeling go away. I spend my time writing, learning to code, working on my startup, listening to audiobooks, practicing digital art. Most of the time I'm having fun and enjoying myself (when health doesn't get in a way), though having a couple of buddies would probably make my life better. The fact that I live in russia doesn't help finding friends, I feel like all the people I'd like to talk to live in the US/UK/Canada, not here. I understand that rationally this can't be true, but I really have no idea where to search for people I'd have a lot in common with. I like people on hacker news and reddit, I like people who's blogs and books I read, I like people who's youtube channels I watch, but I've never met anyone like that in "real life". I could put myself out there and go to meetups or courses until I find someone I like, but the combination of introversion and the fact that my life is kinda nice as it is, makes it feel like it's not worth the effort. Also I really hope that I'll find a way to move elsewhere, so it's not like I'll build lasting relationships here. Maybe one day I'll move to NYC and end up getting my social life on point, but meanwhile, my projects and the internet keep me pretty happy and satisfied.

wccrawford 9y ago
I felt the same way until I found a couple girlfriends and eventually got married. I still enjoy being alone, though I do feel vaguely sad that my wife isn't with me during some of that time, especially if it's for days in a row. But being alone doesn't make me sad in itself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that not everyone is made the same, and some of us don't really have a problem being by ourselves for extended periods. Others have serious problems with it.
shrimp_emoji 9y ago
>during the rare moments when feel a bit lonely, standup comedy and TV sitcoms make that feeling go away. As someone from the US/UK/Canada, I hear you! These guys are my emotional support animals. https://youtu.be/lHmMv9eMOZo https://youtu.be/lHmMv9eMOZo

stratigos 9y ago

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97008.Love_Freedom_and_Aloneness https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/97008.Love_Freedom_and_A... Check out this book for a good angle on the difference between loneliness and aloneness.

heydonovan 9y ago

As someone that struggles with this, I've noticed a sort of pattern for those who suffer from loneliness as well. Just some observations from a few of my friends that would identify with loneliness too: 1. We either work from home, or work the night shift. Even working the second shift has had such a detrimental effect in terms of no longer going out for happy hours, never having conversations in passing, and never getting to participate in meetings, interviews, etc. I think it takes a certain person to want to work those hours, and I'm slowly starting to understand why there is a shift differential. 2. Having your own set of friends, not co-workers, and not your signifiant others "friends". Life was far better in College if nothing more than all the friends I had. Now friends are usually co-workers and there isn't such a strong bond. 3. Choosing non-social hobbies. I'd even consider the gym a pretty isolated activity, as most people don't talk there, and it's such a serious environment. I tried crossfit for nothing more than the social aspect of it, and felt it was a much better environment than lifting in the corner with earbuds in. 4. Exercise. Of all the people I've talked to about this, none of them exercised, myself included. I read that it has such huge implications on the makeup of the brain, and have seen the results myself. If I can go a few weeks of actually working out, not just pushups here or there, but actual sweat inducing, blood pumping workouts, the effects cary on into the week. I'd also lump in water in there too, since I've gone months with drinking Soda/RedBull/Coffee. All anecdotal of course.

davesque 9y ago
I wonder about the exercise thing. For the past few years, I've exercised fairly frequently. And, yet, I still struggle with feelings of loneliness and depression. I think exercise helps a little but maybe less than people like to imagine. As you imply with your other points, you probably have to address loneliness on multiple fronts in order to have a lasting impact on it.
- marnett 9y ago
  There are a slew of research papers on the benefits of exercise for the clinically depressed, anxious, etc [1]. Most of the research boils down to the fact that, with enough rigor in the exercise regime (typically linked to one's heart rate passing a specific threshold), endorphins are released in the brain, providing a similar positive feeling as would morphine. Of course, exercise will not cure depression, or remove loneliness altogether. But, as I'm sure you know, battling depression is more about having a repertoire of daily habits that shift one's focus to the positive aspects of life. There is no silver bullet, and it truly is a daily effort to ensure positivity, and more importantly self-love, is reached. [1] https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=endorphins+exercise+depression&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjErt_kgNbZAhUNiIMKHSlaAboQgQMIJzAA https://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=endorphins+exercise+dep...

zombieprocesses 9y ago

Betteridge's law of headlines : "Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no." This is why I canceled my subscription to the NYTimes and stop following the news so much. Everything is an epidemic. Everything is going to end the world. Are there people with problems of loneliness? Sure. Is it an epidemic? Of course not. Just like the tide pod epidemic last month. Next come, it'll be another epidemic. And the easiest way to spot lazy media is see if the title is a headline. "Will your kids' candy be safe this halloween?" "Did aliens build the pyramids?" In my opinion, the only real epidemic in modern times is people wasting time reading useless media.

DanBC 9y ago
> Are there people with problems of loneliness? Sure. Is it an epidemic? Of course not. There are increasing numbers of lonely people, and loneliness causes severe health problems, reducing quality and length of life. All that's missing from the normal definition of epidemic is the element of contagion.
astura 9y ago
This article is actually critical of people claiming there is a "loneliness epidemic."
- zombieprocesses 9y ago
  Betteridge's law of headlines holds again.

dlevine 9y ago

As a man in his 30's who has dealt with loneliness and mild depression on a fairly Two things that I have found to be extremely helpful are: 1) See a therapist (when needed). Therapists have helped me to get out of some of my roughest patches. Even in our society, there can be a lot of shame associated with seeing a therapist, and I'll admit that I've avoided seeing one in the past due to that shame. But it has definitely helped when I felt stuck. 2) Join a men's group (if you're male). There are some great organizations that have regular men's groups. It's powerful to meet regularly with a group of men and having the chance to share your feelings and emotions and work through issues. I found one through The Mankind Project, but there are a number of groups out there that offer them.

drukenemo 9y ago
Any examples of organizations you could share?

factsaresacred 9y ago

As a counter-point to the majority of great comments so far, I've been alone for 18 months building an online business and haven't felt nearly as lonely as I did working in my previous job and surrounded by people. Physical Loneliness, i.e. unwelcome solitude, can be crushing. However there exists a deeper, less visible loneliness as well. A mental isolation of one from one's truth: a job one hates, a partner one no longer loves, friends one has outgrown, a path one no longer wishes to thread. At the end of the day, which is more painful—and more common—I wonder? A quote from a truly beautiful article* on this subject springs to mind: > Now and then, especially at night, solitude loses its soft power and loneliness takes over. I am grateful when solitude returns. *https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/double-solitude https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/double-solitu...

rednerrus 9y ago

Didn't Bowling Alone tackle some of this 10 years ago?

taurath 9y ago

Yes it is, especially in the US. A "successful" person lives in subdivisions, cul-de-sacs, or nimby enclaves, we're in our cars most of the time to get anywhere because everything is too far to walk except for exercise. There's little expectation of shared culture other than the weather, and on top of that there are very few spaces that people can mix together without sharing a hobby. If you go out to a suburban or rural area, you have 4 socializing options: the grocery store (not very good for actually meeting people), the bar (if an alcoholic and can afford it), the church (if religious), or the school (if you have kids). Guess what happens to most 18-30 year olds with no kids in those areas? They either move, become religious zealots, get addicted to drugs, have a family at a young age with dicey economic prospects, or completely lose themselves to video games. We need to create better, denser spaces where culture and socialization can thrive in american towns and cities.

deleted 9y ago
[deleted]

justaguyhere 9y ago

The biggest rub is this - people say we don't put enough effort into initiating/maintaining friendships, I've tried that. Maybe 1 in 10 appreciate the effort, most people just don't care. I guess it is a numbers game. I don't see any short or long term solution for this. It is only going to get worse, with people spending more and more time to make less and less money and constantly under stress. We should stop worshipping work (especially in the U.S) as if that is the most important thing in life. Any time I see people boasting about the number of hours they put in, it annoys me to no end.

jdlyga 9y ago

Yes, it's difficult. When I first graduated college, I moved to an area where I didn't know anybody. It took years, but I eventually joined some activity groups on Meetup, got better at dating, and eventually got married. Now I'm more focusing on my career. Having social support is absolutely necessary in life.

pmoriarty 9y ago

I've been going to a lot of meetups (from meetup.com) in the past year, and sadly I've come away pretty disappointed, for a number of reasons: 1 - I'm just not in the least bit interested in the overwhelming majority of meetups out there. So there really aren't a lot of interesting meetups for me to choose from. 2 - Way too many of the meetups are actually businesses in disguise. They're looking to sell you a class or get you to pay admission for an event. This might not be a big deal for someone with more disposable income, but it is often a deal breaker for me. 3 - Most meetups meet for just the event itself, and everyone leaves right afterwards, leaving no opportunity to interact with the people there. 4 - For the handful of a handful of meetups which are interesting, not businesses in disguise, and actually leave some time for interaction before/after the meetup: apart from the single shared interest that we all presumably have in the subject of the meetup itself, the people you meet are going to be pretty random and so the odds of making a genuine connection are still going to be pretty low, in my experience, especially if you're shy. 5 - Usually you don't see these people again until the next meetup, which is usually a month later. So you talk to these people maybe for an hour a month. Not much of a chance to make a connection. Overall, I just really haven't had much luck with meetups, in terms of making friends. I've done better with dating sites, honestly. At least with those, I can be pretty sure before I even go to meet someone that we have a whole bunch of things in common, and can pretty quickly sense if there's some chemistry between us, and if not just move on to the next person. It's harder to do that with random people at meetups. Just my 2 cents.

taoistextremist 9y ago
I guess it depends on your interests, but I'd suggest going to meetups centered around activities that necessitate or strongly encourage socializing. I go to meetups to speak a different language, and I tend to make pretty good friends at those since the meetups typically revolve around just getting a meal and talking with everybody about life. Aside from that, maybe you could try taking up a hobby you didn't think you'd be interested in? Pretty much any reasonably sized city seems to have meetups for learning how to salsa dance, for example, which is inherently a very social scene where people all get to know each other.
4restm 9y ago

amelius 9y ago

Maybe a cliche, but if you're in the pit of loneliness, perhaps a good strategy is to get a dog. You will have a friend, it allows you to practice your communication skills (good for introvert people), and it can help getting into contact with others. Downside of course is that you can't leave the house for longer periods.

irrational 9y ago
Other downsides include shedding, dog poop/vomit/urine, vet bills, dog food costs, potential lawsuits from dog bites (I have experience with this one), etc.

throwaway44442 9y ago

I am an extremely lonely person, to the point where I'm suicidal, and I can't say I can pinpoint the cause, only that it's psychological(duh!). I can't equate my extreme introvertism with the rise of technology, in fact I believe that without the rise of technology I'd probably have already killed myself. This way I've managed to get a job despite my social and emotional inpetitude and felt at least a small part of belonging, that I'm at least somewhat "normal", not that it helped much. I don't think when it comes to depression and loneliness that anything has changed when it comes to people, but instead the internet has provided a place where we can write self-loathing walls of which has brought this ever-present issue to the worlds attention, which is in line with the article's message.

faramarz 9y ago

I was in that shoe and definitely felt lonely until I went to a summer camp for adults just outside of Toronto called Camp Reset. It was a digital detox, nicknames only, no work talk weekend event where we played, danced, had meals together, did workshops without ever learning eachothers real names and talking about work. My life changed after that weekend. I can genuinely say the past 2 years have been filled with joy and growth because of the community that formed after going to Reset. I highly encourage those of you who are hungry for a community to find similar adult camps in your area and dive in. It was scary at first not knowing anyone, but now the community is 400 people strong and I have deep meaningful relationships with 2-3 dozen people I DID NOT KNOW 2 years ago. In fact I now live with two housemates I met at that camp. There's a similar camp in California called Camp Grounded. For anyone interested in Reset, i'm happy to answer further questions. I plan to go this year as a co-creator and not just a participant. edit: only after leaving the camp we got to know each other by real names and professions and the range of professions are far and wide.

atomical 9y ago
What's the point of nicknames?
- faramarz 9y ago
  Because you can! It's fun. You get creative, it's a chance to build a persona and perhaps under that persona discover your authentic voice.

swifter007 9y ago

Well, I just created a lonely people discord channel. https://discord.gg/wrkqpXA https://discord.gg/wrkqpXA

pasbesoin 9y ago

It's going to kill me. Anecdote of one.

laurex 9y ago

A) I'm in the midst of some broad-based research around loneliness and technology, and if you'd be willing to take a 5 minute survey, or even better, spread it beyond the tech community, I'd appreciate it so much. I'm working with a number of respected academics in the field, and currently the goal is looking at a significant data set to better identify opportunities. This research will be shared publicly. Here's the link if you're willing to share http://bit.ly/connecting-survey http://bit.ly/connecting-survey B) this article in particular seems a little lacking in convincing evidence, but I think there's a good argument to be made that in the world of Psychology and social science, there's rarely one factor that can be causally identified for cultural issues. That said, there does seem to be enough evidence to support the idea that social connection, and even our self-perception about social connection, has real impact on health and societal factors. Caveat: I have not read this author's book, but the title does seem to imply he's got an outlook he may promote.

noobhacker 9y ago
My guess is you'll get more traction if you describe some of your affiliations to establish credibility. Personally I never fill out non-random sampled online survey because the resulting studies aren't likely to be valid.