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How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

423 points by knrz 10y ago

tyingq 10y ago
The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.
- hatmatrix 10y ago
  And maybe rightly so - it does take skill to ask the right questions.
- rrherr 10y ago
  Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you. https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c
  - pstuart 10y ago
    that one weird trick...
  - hoodoof 10y ago
    Well I wasn't there of course, but all things being equal, if a woman at a party touches you whilst talking, is animated in her discussion, and goes to the trouble of saying out loud that she likes you, well usually that's a good sign that a person is "interested". Maybe you're in a relationship, maybe you weren't interested anyway but she might have wanted to get your phone number.
  - throwaway2016a 10y ago
    I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.
    - nunez 10y ago
      I prefer "That's really interesting; what's a day in your life like?" People love talking about this because people spend most of their lives working, so most of their life is work.
      - personlurking 10y ago
        I find this to be a good approach too, unless they're in the midst of a PhD program, then they have zero interest in talking about their day cause their dissertation is all-consuming.
        nunez 10y ago
        Actually most people working on their dissertation love talking about it since that dissertation is practically their entire life. I try to get them to speak in their language and try to understand their world better: how they approached their research, what mistakes they encountered, how they learned from them.
- chillacy 10y ago
  Yea, I sort of just adopted this strategy as a quiet person, but I found out that I couldn't hang out with other people who used this strategy too, because neither of us would be big talkers and were used to participating in at most 20% of the conversation. So now I just make friends with more talkative folks, some of whom border on narcissism. It's alright though, they tend to be interesting.
  - guycastell 10y ago
    I've been told that I'm borderline narcissist. That said, I have about the same amount of friends who aren't very talkative and mostly keep to themselves (with those friends I can have very intelligent conversations with) as I have those who are pretty much like me, with whom I can talk about really anything.
  - specializeded 10y ago
    For sure keep the talkative ones around, they rub off. You might notice you naturally take the "lead" in convos with people like you as time goes on :)
- drvdevd 10y ago
  Makes me think of Eliza :)
  - bch 10y ago
    Why does it make you think of that ?
    - yorwba 10y ago
      Is that an ELIZA question? I honestly can't tell.
      - jfoutz 10y ago
        It is. It's why eliza was such a convincing case for ai being easy. It's so hard to tell.
      - jeff_petersen 10y ago
        The space before the ? Is a dead giveaway
- quasse 10y ago
  My experience has been that this works well for job interviews. Spot something that they seem to have struggled with and talk to them all about their solution. Not only do you learn something but it often seems to leave an impression of you being insightful, even though all you did was ask the right question to hear about their insights. Honestly there's nothing wrong with that either. Someone who can look at your problem/solution and ask the right questions to allow you to evaluate it from a new angle is a valuable coworker to have.
- Lonewxlf 10y ago
  How are all you guys getting feedback on the conversations you have? For example, how do you know that people thought you were "knowledgeable" or "insightful"? Do you merely ask them what their first impression of you was?
- NoWhiteHorse 10y ago
  If you're working in IT together with old-timers, a good way to get them to talk is to ask "Which systems did you use when you got your first job?".
bitL 10y ago
Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?
- projektir 10y ago
  The idea is uncomfortable to me at least. I think it's useful to learn better social skills, but there's a risk of being less genuine when the approach is geared towards people specifically liking you.
- MR4D 10y ago
  What if I said that in any conversation of two strangers one person is being hacked and the other is doing the hacking? I'm not sure that's true, but it does occur pretty often in all sorts of situations. I'd bet if you took that view into many of those types of conversations, you wouldn't feel bad (Finally, please note that I am explicitly excluding anything immoral. )
- eli_gottlieb 10y ago
  Nah, me too, but I've eventually learned that everyone else expects me to be hacking them slightly. They also expect that they're hacking me, and get pretty shocked when it turns out some of their social graces were flying completely over my head.
- ChuckMcM 10y ago
  No. However, I have found that it is often 'expected'.
- tenkabuto 10y ago
  No, it does feel weird, especially when we suppose that the "hacked" person derive no benefit from being "hacked." However, if the "hacker" provides more value to the "hacked" person than the "hacker" captures as a result, the "hacked" person might be OK with the exchange. This sounds a bit more OK to me, but still the notion of manipulating others does get under my skin.
  - sirclueless 10y ago
hoodoof 10y ago
I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".
- nunez 10y ago
  You would be surprised by how many people don't ask me anything in a one on one conversation. Ask questions. Even if they are dumb. At worst you'll get a weird reaction. At best, you'll find a common link.
- CuriouslyC 10y ago
  You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social anxiety. I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.
  - copperx 10y ago
    Do you mind expounding on "getting your mind in order"?
    - CuriouslyC 10y ago
      That is going to be a different for everyone. For me, it involved systematically examining my beliefs and feelings, and discarding the ones that didn't serve me. Additionally, I've found that there is a certain flow to life; you can struggle against it, get carried away by it, or harness it. Accepting the way things are and learning to surf the currents rather than raging against them helped a lot. If you want a shortcut, in terms of interpersonal skills the two highest impact changes for me have been: 1. Derive your personal value entirely from within 2. Develop compassion for other people If you nail these two changes, you will be attractive. You might not be "persuasive" like a salesman, but that is a specialized skill-set that needs to be developed on its own.
nunez 10y ago
Skimming through the article, I observed that they missed the most important step one must do to get better at talking to people: Practice! One doesn't learn how to write code without writing code. One also doesn't learn how to tie their shoes without actually tying shoes. So it follows that one doesn't learn how to become good at people without talking to people. You've gotta go out! And I'm not talking about grabbing a drink and staying on the sidelines or going to that conference and being glued to your Mac the entire time. You've gotta approach people, and you have to get rejected. People will walk away. People will ask to be excused. This stuff hurts, but just like a startup, you treat the mistakes as learnings and try again next time. It helps a lot to have a buddy that will help you through the process and give you feedback, since learning on your own (like I did) generally sucks. How did I learn how to talk to people? I approached hundreds of women to start conversations with them during the morning rush and on the street. nothing deep; usually stuff about food. My dating skills improved slightly, but my conversation skills went through the roof. There are other things to keep in mind, too. People care way more appearance than they let on, so dressing well and staying healthy go a long way to help you be more. Body language is also something that people look out for without knowing that they're looking out for it. Fixing posture goes a long way towards fixing this too.
- rimliu 10y ago
  Please, don't practice on me. Maybe to some it is fine to approach people and be rejected, but for me it is not ok being interrupted by random strangers.
  - nunez 10y ago
    Most people are actually okay with it as long as the intro is good!
- Taylor_OD 10y ago
  Yes. Practice is the only way to get better. Unfortunately it's a much more painful practice than most things in life. Code isn't going to get uninterested in you or think you are weird.
non_sequitur 10y ago
I learned a while ago that just asking questions isn't enough - sometimes people don't want to talk, or are really boring, there's too big a group to focus on one person, or just constantly interrogating a person gets weird, etc. So you should have some good stories in your back pocket as well. If you think about the most popular people you know, they aren't well received in social settings because they pepper everyone with questions - they're usually funny, chatty, quick witted, and can either carry or let someone else carry a conversation. Be like that guy/gal, not the one that can only ask questions.
- snarf21 10y ago
  I think the hardest part is finding the topic that they are interested. Most people will ramble on about their greatest interest forever. You can't start with "How's work?" or "Watch anything good on Netflix lately?". You have to move into something else like "What have you been doing in your free time?" and then follow up on that. Odds are that they will lead you right to their greatest interest almost immediately. I think questions only has to be clarified with positive reinforcement. If they say they like X, your question needs to validate them too. "I'm not familiar with X but that sounds really interesting. What is the coolest thing about X to you?"
dkarapetyan 10y ago
There was that one time I observed a peculiar quality about a certain CEO. No matter what he was talking about it somehow would always circle back to talking about whatever company he was currently at and the conversation would always end with a joke and hearty laugh for all involved. This happened consistently enough that I thought it was a pre-determined act on his part. Once I realized he was always practicing I kinda stopped talking to the guy because there was never any genuine interaction. He was always on the job and he was always practicing selling. Every conversation was just another opportunity for him to practice his messaging. I dubbed this mode of interacting and talking ceoesque.
- dilemma 10y ago
  Yeah... who wants to talk to someone who's always trying to close you? This is the problem and the danger with how to make friends and influence people. People will see through you.
AndrewOMartin 10y ago
I've been the recipient of active listening on more than one occasion and it's made me want to tear that persons lungs out through their mouth. It feels like you're the victim of a corrupt bureaucrat's evil stalling tactic.
- meesterdude 10y ago
  Then they're doing it wrong - which is not uncommon. When I learned about active listening, there where a number of adults i remembered growing up who actively listened, and they were the most engaging people.
  - AndrewOMartin 10y ago
    It sounds like you're saying then they're doing it wrong - which is not uncommon. When you learned about active listening, there where a number of adults you remembered growing up who actively listened, and they were the most engaging people.
- bigchewy 10y ago
  you were the recipient of people that were terrible and/or just new at active listening. If it's done right, you just feel like you are enjoying the conversation. no different than writing code, playing the piano etc. related, some people are just genuinely interested in other people; that's also not noticeable.
- Kiro 10y ago
  Care to elaborate? What exactly did the person do wrong? Seems like a very strange thing to be upset about.
- afpx 10y ago
  For me, 9 times out of 10, I'm genuinely interested in the other person, and I like to ask questions and actually listen to what they're saying. I find people, even those that some would classify as boring, to be fascinating. Actually, I find that the 'boring' ones can be extra interesting because they usually have some very unusual interests. For example, I recently met a person who was obsessed with the TV show 'Friends' and spent many hours re-watching episodes. To me, in a world that seems to be becoming increasingly homogenous, it was fascinating. And, even though I'd only seen a few episodes of the show, it was enough for me to latch on and indulge in the pleasure that this person felt about it. Unfortunately, as time has gone on, I've also sort of lost my interest in many people. Although I can relate to many of their interests and ideas, I have met so many hikers / bikers / runners, cooks / bakers / beer-brewers, foodies, musicians, travelers, photographers, aspiring entrepreneurs lately that I have had a hard time motivating myself to dig any deeper. Anyway, to your point, I think feigning interest in someone is awful and insincere. And, I refuse to do it. But, if I open myself to actually empathize with them and to indulge in what they're saying, it is very satisfying. Hopefully, I come across as sincere to those people to whom I inquire, because it's genuine curiosity. But, as 'hacking' seems to have gone mainstream, I certainly have seen my share of social pickup artists, and it is irritating.
mythrwy 10y ago
In some ways being a person people love to talk to is a burden. It takes time. Sometimes it's worth it. Quite often (and this sounds cold but it's true) it isn't. Other people do make life good though and it's certainly a valuable skill. Just, it comes at a price.
brownbat 10y ago
> How can you strategically make a good impression? From the outset, frame the conversation with a few well-rehearsed sentences regarding how you want to be perceived. Klosterman comes to the same realization in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs, though from an unlikely angle--the dawn of reality television. On The Real World, producers had no time to explain anyone's personality in depth, so they boiled each housemate down to a simple stereotype and selectively edited to play up that caricature. On the one hand, it was a trick of production that was massively distorting and harmful to several (most?) of the housemates. On the other hand, we're all just like the producers when recalling our own interactions. Like a 20-minute episode, there's just too much ground to cover to get a perfect reproduction of any person's life in a first meeting. A short working draft is the best anyone can hope for. If you help people form that, you can nudge it in a positive direction while also making yourself more memorable.
xor1 10y ago
I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge factor. I've started putting some of my big programmer bucks into improving my appearance before I hit 30, starting with braces (family couldn't afford them as a kid), eyelid surgery to fix some mild ptosis, and a nose job. I've also started using sunscreen and moisturizer on my face on a regular basis. The past few years have made me realize that your appearance only becomes more important as you age and progress in a white-collar career -- not less, as I was led to believe as a child. This is especially disheartening to realize while working in CA/NYC tech, which have always been billed as one of the most meritocratic and progressive sectors. Getting into shape only takes you so far. I consider myself average now, but I want to be hot.
- dkarapetyan 10y ago
  Are you for real? Develop substance my friend. The rest is all cosmetic and won't take you far.
  - matrix_escape 10y ago
    You are wrong actually. Maybe you havent had the experience of being bad looking, but people will treat you very differently in everything they do. Objectively, its a big advantage to being good looking, once you get past your own biases of not wanting to believe it.
  - xor1 10y ago
    I have substance. You're completely delusional if you think that being good-looking will ever be anything other than a benefit. An extremely significant one at that.
    - marklgr 10y ago
      Those benefits have a cost--financially, emotionally, and time-wise. So the whole question is, is it worth it, past a certain point.
superasn 10y ago
Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at everything and get the most of out stuff. It's like those things they teach you that before giving a bad review first start with the good points then add a "but". Sound great in theory but just absurd when you realize someone is doing it to you on purpose. You know you can do all this and create great rapport and win the title for best conversationalist but if this is not your nature you still won't have fun nor create that connection which you can have by just being you, with all your flaws, moles and warts. If you're not a total asshole, people like you anyway. Just imagine if your friends were like this. Trying to be the best conversationalist they can be with you instead of being the usual silly dickheads they generally are..
- raphar 10y ago
  >Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at everything and get the most of out stuff. The article's content is ok. But what called my attention was that every single paragraph links to a source, author or better: an amazon book page. Its like the index page of a book on the subject! pd: 15 mbyte & 420 requests to load the page
vinceguidry 10y ago
Everything about this is highly contextual and varies across cultures. Smiling in some situations makes you look powerful, in many others it makes you look weak. Being very animated can make you look carefree in some situations and just wild in others. The more time I spend in cultures that I didn't grow up in, the more convinced I become that there just aren't any universalities in this direction. Any attempt to do so is to try to generalize over all human behavior and the effort will either be wrong, being that there will be some cultures or situations where the rule doesn't hold, or it'll be useless, essentially telling you what you already know.
- shiz 10y ago
  I'd like to know the culture where smiling is seen differently. It is the global symbol of happiness and tells everybody on earth "i'm a friend" or at least "i'm friendly".
  - brenschluss 10y ago
    Ever been to Eastern Europe or Russia?
    - rimliu 10y ago
      It is still a sign of happiness there. Only these people do not believe that one can be happy all the time so constant smiling comes off as insincere. There is a Russian saying "Смех без причины - признак дурочины" — smiling without a reason is a sign of stupidity.
  - Broken_Hippo 10y ago
    There are a lot of examples of the differing meaning of a smile when you google it. Sometimes it is simply not appropriate to smile. I'm not sure if there are any culture that sees them as entirely evil, but a few do have a concept of an evil grin, a concept that sits alongside the smiles being friendly. It doesn't seem to be a stretch that a mistimed smile might make you look like a loon and other such differing beliefs. https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-and-smiling/483827/ https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-... https://blog.allpsych.com/smiling-means-different-things-in-different-cultures/ https://blog.allpsych.com/smiling-means-different-things-in-... https://www.translatemedia.com/us/blog-us/the-meaning-of-a-smile-in-different-cultures/ https://www.translatemedia.com/us/blog-us/the-meaning-of-a-s...
hamandcheese 10y ago
"Ask people questions since people love talking about themselves" is common conversational advice I hear. In general I agree, but it's a bit disheartening when you realize that many people are so happy to talk about themselves that they never bother to ask you about yourself.
onmobiletemp 10y ago
I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony. Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt care about what i was saying or about my opinions. So i tried various things and looked at their eyes. Sometimes their eyes would become alive again and i could tell they cared. Slowly you learn what people want to hear. And its so true about smiling and body language, people feel uncomfortable if you dont project wellbeing. What you need to understand is that there is no logic in any of it. Humans are machines and the algorithms that they employ for attention and emotion are surprisngly uniform and very unintuitive for autists like me and you. Dont worry about the logic of whats hapenning, just think of what their algorithm is doing. Its verry dificult because you cant verify what people are thinking, you cant debug it and you cant start over -- you have to guess a lot. Overall people want to see big smiles and confident body posture. If you are slouched over people dont like it. If you stand up straight you will be amazed at how differently you are percieved. But it all has to be genuine. If youre trying to manipulate and understand people in a clinical way you will fail. All you need is a genuine desire to bond with people and the patience to pay attention to what seems to work and what doesnt. I should also add that for me, and probably for most people like me, the process of figurimg out what people like and dont like is also partly a process of self discovery. Im not the kind of person thats in touch with himself. Discovering how your words impact other people will also teach you about how your mind, conciously or otherwise, reacts emotionally to the words of others. Overall ive been genuinely excited to learn about myself amd others and use that wisdom to help enjoy the presence of other people. For me its been a very productive process of growth and discovery. I think framing the problem of interpersonal relations within that context instead of the cringey, manipulative context of internet social tips really helped.
- scandox 10y ago
  There is a lot of wisdom in your comments here. Especially impressive for the fact that the whole situation is obviously counter-intuitive for you.
- 10y ago
virtualritz 10y ago
Is it just me or is this just a hidden advertisement for the book "It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone" by Robin Dreke [1]? The book is mentioned (and linked) several times in the article and in articles the article itself cites as sources (and links to). [1]https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK
jokoon 10y ago
I started relationships at the age of 24, I was really impressed how easy it was for me. I always thought I was some kind of nerd loser, which I still feel I am. During all my life my method was always to slowly ask personal questions and "open up" people, let them talk about themselves, their job and skills. What people love is to let them talk about their problems, without criticizing them about it. I think I learned that from therapy. Once you do that, people are hooked and it's a pretty good way to learn about them. It's not manipulative as long as you don't exploit it against them or for your interest, which is really evil (and they will notice it very quickly). Then of course, you should always open up yourself if the person opened up to you, and that can be difficult, generally you should talk about yourself without necessarily waiting for the other person to ask. I always felt those things were kind of manipulative, but I asked and it seems they're not.
Kiro 10y ago
I always try to play the game of "don't say a thing about yourself until someone asks" and it always works wonders. Everyone loves me since all I do is ask questions, giving them an opportunity to speak about themselves. It seriously makes me hate people though since so few actually asks anything back.
- personlurking 10y ago
  Something happens to me with a certain frequency and I have yet to understand it. In a social group of people who are just getting to know each other, there are people I run into who only ask questions, and so I find the constant question-asking to be a defense mechanism (if that's the right term). That is, "I don't know how to go about talking to random people but if I just keep the questions coming, it'll be easier for me." So there are times when I feel all I've done is talk about myself and it makes me uncomfortable in the end. The only option open to me in these circumstances is to force the direction of the conversation on them. When I've just uttered the last word to the answer of the question they've asked, they ask me a follow-up before I've taken my next breath, so I'd have to force "enough about me, what's your experience with ____?" When I run into such a person, I usually give up and just answer all their questions. It's not that I don't want to know about them. Do you find any truth in this or has it ever happened to you, on either end of the spectrum?
  - 1123581321 10y ago
    I've experienced this. I think you understand it well enough. It is uncomfortable because it is a one-sided conversation and when you know that the person might think they are manipulating you into liking them, it is hard not to feel exploited. I'm happy to say that some of the worst offenders in my life have improved their style over the years and respond to my answers with anecdotes of their own. They might still think they're getting me to like them but the conversation is interesting enough that I'm not annoyed by it.
    - personlurking 10y ago
      > respond to my answers with anecdotes of their own That's actually the only saving grace to these situations. Glad you mentioned it.
VeronicaHadley 10y ago
This one is the best from my recent readings. Communication is one of the important aspect of every soul prevailing on earth and we / humans are special one. Now from the business standpoint, it is always better to have good communicator who can negotiate with properly. I just want to add my words at the 'Silence' section; my viewpoints say, silence can be better than words sometimes.
kovek 10y ago
À lot of the discussions here remind me of the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend it. It's a short and easy read, since there are no technical terms. It's a lot of good examples that show what works and what does not in communicating with others. Also, check out the list of advice from this book that is probably online somewhere. I think it's important to read the examples in the book to understand the list.
nommm-nommm 10y ago
>Suspend your ego. Avoid correcting people This is actually an important thing to do and difficult for many of us "hacker" types that think more analytically.
YCode 10y ago
Somewhat related... Dale Carnegie, this article, et. al describe various methods to be liked, listened to, etc. that all basically revolve around the idea that you should make the conversation about them and their needs. Even smiling is a small step away from outright saying you like them and are willing to listen. One thing I've found though is that this can be mentally exhausting. It starts to feel like the people around you are starving for attention and suddenly they've found an oasis of it. But over even a short time the entropy of being on the giving end of nearly every interaction with someone creates a sort of mental energy vacuum. Certainly I can't be the only one who has experienced this -- how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs?
- kdamken 10y ago
  By focusing on your own needs above all else. Don't worry about befriending everyone. Be authentic and find people who like you for you actually are, not because you manipulated them into it. I highly recommend checking out "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World".
- jogjayr 10y ago
  > how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs? Some people thrive off interactions like this, I think. If that's not you (and I count myself in that category also) then I think the "best" compromise might be to turn it on only when and where it matters (even though that sounds awful and self-serving). That probably means with valued friends and close family, and people you're trying to impress for some reason (personal or professional).
- Nomentatus 10y ago
  Part of "showing a sincere interest in the other person" can be interrupting their monologue to ask them a specific question that redirects the conversation to something of more mutual interest (or any interest.) You don't have to be a rug they wipe their feet on, you can stand up for yourself and what might be of interest to you, just keep it about them somehow. If they decide you're a horrible person 'cause they just wanna monologue about complaint X (not common, but it happens) or don't want any input from you of any kind including a question about them, it's time to move on. Most people just need a little bump to make them a better conversationalist. Most people do understand at some level that a conversation is a mutual agreement to discuss the matter at hand, and the agreement part is necessary.
EagleVega 10y ago
I feel like this article is outlining how to fake a lot of things... It emphasizes rote lines. It feels shallow. However, I think it hints at what it takes to be a good conversationalist: a deep and genuine interest in people. That coupled with a broad knowledge allows you to find what someone is interested in and learn from their perspective while adding some to theirs. This is the core of solid communication and conversation.
jackskell 10y ago
As an introvert and someone who cares about my privacy and doesn't like to reveal personal details, I find it easier to simply keep the conversational ball in the other person's court. This seems to equal being a good listener. The trick is to learn to close the conversation when you are done with it, and avoid useless prattle from the other person.

423 points by knrz 10y ago

The best bit of advice in the article: The right question is “How do I get them talking about themselves?“ I've noticed that even if the only thing you do is ask someone their opinion, and listen attentively, there is some sort of distortion field effect. They will often later recall you as knowledgeable, insightful, etc...even though you never did anything but ask questions.

hatmatrix 10y ago
And maybe rightly so - it does take skill to ask the right questions.
rrherr 10y ago
Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.” Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you. https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c
- pstuart 10y ago
  that one weird trick...
- hoodoof 10y ago
  Well I wasn't there of course, but all things being equal, if a woman at a party touches you whilst talking, is animated in her discussion, and goes to the trouble of saying out loud that she likes you, well usually that's a good sign that a person is "interested". Maybe you're in a relationship, maybe you weren't interested anyway but she might have wanted to get your phone number.
- throwaway2016a 10y ago
  I can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.
  - nunez 10y ago
    I prefer "That's really interesting; what's a day in your life like?" People love talking about this because people spend most of their lives working, so most of their life is work.
    - personlurking 10y ago
      I find this to be a good approach too, unless they're in the midst of a PhD program, then they have zero interest in talking about their day cause their dissertation is all-consuming.
      - nunez 10y ago
        Actually most people working on their dissertation love talking about it since that dissertation is practically their entire life. I try to get them to speak in their language and try to understand their world better: how they approached their research, what mistakes they encountered, how they learned from them.
chillacy 10y ago
Yea, I sort of just adopted this strategy as a quiet person, but I found out that I couldn't hang out with other people who used this strategy too, because neither of us would be big talkers and were used to participating in at most 20% of the conversation. So now I just make friends with more talkative folks, some of whom border on narcissism. It's alright though, they tend to be interesting.
- guycastell 10y ago
  I've been told that I'm borderline narcissist. That said, I have about the same amount of friends who aren't very talkative and mostly keep to themselves (with those friends I can have very intelligent conversations with) as I have those who are pretty much like me, with whom I can talk about really anything.
- specializeded 10y ago
  For sure keep the talkative ones around, they rub off. You might notice you naturally take the "lead" in convos with people like you as time goes on :)
drvdevd 10y ago
Makes me think of Eliza :)
- bch 10y ago
  Why does it make you think of that ?
  - yorwba 10y ago
    Is that an ELIZA question? I honestly can't tell.
    - jfoutz 10y ago
      It is. It's why eliza was such a convincing case for ai being easy. It's so hard to tell.
    - jeff_petersen 10y ago
      The space before the ? Is a dead giveaway
quasse 10y ago
My experience has been that this works well for job interviews. Spot something that they seem to have struggled with and talk to them all about their solution. Not only do you learn something but it often seems to leave an impression of you being insightful, even though all you did was ask the right question to hear about their insights. Honestly there's nothing wrong with that either. Someone who can look at your problem/solution and ask the right questions to allow you to evaluate it from a new angle is a valuable coworker to have.
Lonewxlf 10y ago
How are all you guys getting feedback on the conversations you have? For example, how do you know that people thought you were "knowledgeable" or "insightful"? Do you merely ask them what their first impression of you was?
NoWhiteHorse 10y ago
If you're working in IT together with old-timers, a good way to get them to talk is to ask "Which systems did you use when you got your first job?".

bitL 10y ago

Am I the only person that feels "hacking other people" for my own benefit is wrong?

projektir 10y ago
The idea is uncomfortable to me at least. I think it's useful to learn better social skills, but there's a risk of being less genuine when the approach is geared towards people specifically liking you.
MR4D 10y ago
What if I said that in any conversation of two strangers one person is being hacked and the other is doing the hacking? I'm not sure that's true, but it does occur pretty often in all sorts of situations. I'd bet if you took that view into many of those types of conversations, you wouldn't feel bad (Finally, please note that I am explicitly excluding anything immoral. )
eli_gottlieb 10y ago
Nah, me too, but I've eventually learned that everyone else expects me to be hacking them slightly. They also expect that they're hacking me, and get pretty shocked when it turns out some of their social graces were flying completely over my head.
ChuckMcM 10y ago
No. However, I have found that it is often 'expected'.
tenkabuto 10y ago
No, it does feel weird, especially when we suppose that the "hacked" person derive no benefit from being "hacked." However, if the "hacker" provides more value to the "hacked" person than the "hacker" captures as a result, the "hacked" person might be OK with the exchange. This sounds a bit more OK to me, but still the notion of manipulating others does get under my skin.
- sirclueless 10y ago

hoodoof 10y ago

I know a small number of very charismatic people. It seems to just be a natural function of who they are. I have always wondered if there was a way to "become charismatic".

nunez 10y ago
You would be surprised by how many people don't ask me anything in a one on one conversation. Ask questions. Even if they are dumb. At worst you'll get a weird reaction. At best, you'll find a common link.
CuriouslyC 10y ago
You can definitely learn charisma. I wouldn't call myself a smooth talker (I'm way too frank), but I've got a presence that people respond to. More importantly, 20 years ago I was basically a shut in with crippling social anxiety. I've found that the big key is getting your mind in order. You can work forever on what to say, but if your head isn't right it won't work. On the other hand, someone who is totally centered can say the most random things and people will still like them. Old buddhist monks demonstrate this beautifully.
- copperx 10y ago
  Do you mind expounding on "getting your mind in order"?
  - CuriouslyC 10y ago
    That is going to be a different for everyone. For me, it involved systematically examining my beliefs and feelings, and discarding the ones that didn't serve me. Additionally, I've found that there is a certain flow to life; you can struggle against it, get carried away by it, or harness it. Accepting the way things are and learning to surf the currents rather than raging against them helped a lot. If you want a shortcut, in terms of interpersonal skills the two highest impact changes for me have been: 1. Derive your personal value entirely from within 2. Develop compassion for other people If you nail these two changes, you will be attractive. You might not be "persuasive" like a salesman, but that is a specialized skill-set that needs to be developed on its own.

nunez 10y ago

Skimming through the article, I observed that they missed the most important step one must do to get better at talking to people: Practice! One doesn't learn how to write code without writing code. One also doesn't learn how to tie their shoes without actually tying shoes. So it follows that one doesn't learn how to become good at people without talking to people. You've gotta go out! And I'm not talking about grabbing a drink and staying on the sidelines or going to that conference and being glued to your Mac the entire time. You've gotta approach people, and you have to get rejected. People will walk away. People will ask to be excused. This stuff hurts, but just like a startup, you treat the mistakes as learnings and try again next time. It helps a lot to have a buddy that will help you through the process and give you feedback, since learning on your own (like I did) generally sucks. How did I learn how to talk to people? I approached hundreds of women to start conversations with them during the morning rush and on the street. nothing deep; usually stuff about food. My dating skills improved slightly, but my conversation skills went through the roof. There are other things to keep in mind, too. People care way more appearance than they let on, so dressing well and staying healthy go a long way to help you be more. Body language is also something that people look out for without knowing that they're looking out for it. Fixing posture goes a long way towards fixing this too.

rimliu 10y ago
Please, don't practice on me. Maybe to some it is fine to approach people and be rejected, but for me it is not ok being interrupted by random strangers.
- nunez 10y ago
  Most people are actually okay with it as long as the intro is good!
Taylor_OD 10y ago
Yes. Practice is the only way to get better. Unfortunately it's a much more painful practice than most things in life. Code isn't going to get uninterested in you or think you are weird.

non_sequitur 10y ago

I learned a while ago that just asking questions isn't enough - sometimes people don't want to talk, or are really boring, there's too big a group to focus on one person, or just constantly interrogating a person gets weird, etc. So you should have some good stories in your back pocket as well. If you think about the most popular people you know, they aren't well received in social settings because they pepper everyone with questions - they're usually funny, chatty, quick witted, and can either carry or let someone else carry a conversation. Be like that guy/gal, not the one that can only ask questions.

snarf21 10y ago
I think the hardest part is finding the topic that they are interested. Most people will ramble on about their greatest interest forever. You can't start with "How's work?" or "Watch anything good on Netflix lately?". You have to move into something else like "What have you been doing in your free time?" and then follow up on that. Odds are that they will lead you right to their greatest interest almost immediately. I think questions only has to be clarified with positive reinforcement. If they say they like X, your question needs to validate them too. "I'm not familiar with X but that sounds really interesting. What is the coolest thing about X to you?"

dkarapetyan 10y ago

There was that one time I observed a peculiar quality about a certain CEO. No matter what he was talking about it somehow would always circle back to talking about whatever company he was currently at and the conversation would always end with a joke and hearty laugh for all involved. This happened consistently enough that I thought it was a pre-determined act on his part. Once I realized he was always practicing I kinda stopped talking to the guy because there was never any genuine interaction. He was always on the job and he was always practicing selling. Every conversation was just another opportunity for him to practice his messaging. I dubbed this mode of interacting and talking ceoesque.

dilemma 10y ago
Yeah... who wants to talk to someone who's always trying to close you? This is the problem and the danger with how to make friends and influence people. People will see through you.

AndrewOMartin 10y ago

I've been the recipient of active listening on more than one occasion and it's made me want to tear that persons lungs out through their mouth. It feels like you're the victim of a corrupt bureaucrat's evil stalling tactic.

meesterdude 10y ago
Then they're doing it wrong - which is not uncommon. When I learned about active listening, there where a number of adults i remembered growing up who actively listened, and they were the most engaging people.
- AndrewOMartin 10y ago
  It sounds like you're saying then they're doing it wrong - which is not uncommon. When you learned about active listening, there where a number of adults you remembered growing up who actively listened, and they were the most engaging people.
bigchewy 10y ago
you were the recipient of people that were terrible and/or just new at active listening. If it's done right, you just feel like you are enjoying the conversation. no different than writing code, playing the piano etc. related, some people are just genuinely interested in other people; that's also not noticeable.
Kiro 10y ago
Care to elaborate? What exactly did the person do wrong? Seems like a very strange thing to be upset about.
afpx 10y ago
For me, 9 times out of 10, I'm genuinely interested in the other person, and I like to ask questions and actually listen to what they're saying. I find people, even those that some would classify as boring, to be fascinating. Actually, I find that the 'boring' ones can be extra interesting because they usually have some very unusual interests. For example, I recently met a person who was obsessed with the TV show 'Friends' and spent many hours re-watching episodes. To me, in a world that seems to be becoming increasingly homogenous, it was fascinating. And, even though I'd only seen a few episodes of the show, it was enough for me to latch on and indulge in the pleasure that this person felt about it. Unfortunately, as time has gone on, I've also sort of lost my interest in many people. Although I can relate to many of their interests and ideas, I have met so many hikers / bikers / runners, cooks / bakers / beer-brewers, foodies, musicians, travelers, photographers, aspiring entrepreneurs lately that I have had a hard time motivating myself to dig any deeper. Anyway, to your point, I think feigning interest in someone is awful and insincere. And, I refuse to do it. But, if I open myself to actually empathize with them and to indulge in what they're saying, it is very satisfying. Hopefully, I come across as sincere to those people to whom I inquire, because it's genuine curiosity. But, as 'hacking' seems to have gone mainstream, I certainly have seen my share of social pickup artists, and it is irritating.

mythrwy 10y ago

In some ways being a person people love to talk to is a burden. It takes time. Sometimes it's worth it. Quite often (and this sounds cold but it's true) it isn't. Other people do make life good though and it's certainly a valuable skill. Just, it comes at a price.

brownbat 10y ago

> How can you strategically make a good impression? From the outset, frame the conversation with a few well-rehearsed sentences regarding how you want to be perceived. Klosterman comes to the same realization in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs, though from an unlikely angle--the dawn of reality television. On The Real World, producers had no time to explain anyone's personality in depth, so they boiled each housemate down to a simple stereotype and selectively edited to play up that caricature. On the one hand, it was a trick of production that was massively distorting and harmful to several (most?) of the housemates. On the other hand, we're all just like the producers when recalling our own interactions. Like a 20-minute episode, there's just too much ground to cover to get a perfect reproduction of any person's life in a first meeting. A short working draft is the best anyone can hope for. If you help people form that, you can nudge it in a positive direction while also making yourself more memorable.

xor1 10y ago

I think the article severely downplays the importance of attractiveness. If the other party finds you attractive, the bar is lowered to the point of you simply being normal/average in terms of intelligence, wit, and whatever else you want to include in your definition of what makes a person "interesting". You basically need to be a vapid idiot to give anyone a bad impression as an attractive person. It's a huge factor. I've started putting some of my big programmer bucks into improving my appearance before I hit 30, starting with braces (family couldn't afford them as a kid), eyelid surgery to fix some mild ptosis, and a nose job. I've also started using sunscreen and moisturizer on my face on a regular basis. The past few years have made me realize that your appearance only becomes more important as you age and progress in a white-collar career -- not less, as I was led to believe as a child. This is especially disheartening to realize while working in CA/NYC tech, which have always been billed as one of the most meritocratic and progressive sectors. Getting into shape only takes you so far. I consider myself average now, but I want to be hot.

dkarapetyan 10y ago
Are you for real? Develop substance my friend. The rest is all cosmetic and won't take you far.
- matrix_escape 10y ago
  You are wrong actually. Maybe you havent had the experience of being bad looking, but people will treat you very differently in everything they do. Objectively, its a big advantage to being good looking, once you get past your own biases of not wanting to believe it.
- xor1 10y ago
  I have substance. You're completely delusional if you think that being good-looking will ever be anything other than a benefit. An extremely significant one at that.
  - marklgr 10y ago
    Those benefits have a cost--financially, emotionally, and time-wise. So the whole question is, is it worth it, past a certain point.

superasn 10y ago

Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at everything and get the most of out stuff. It's like those things they teach you that before giving a bad review first start with the good points then add a "but". Sound great in theory but just absurd when you realize someone is doing it to you on purpose. You know you can do all this and create great rapport and win the title for best conversationalist but if this is not your nature you still won't have fun nor create that connection which you can have by just being you, with all your flaws, moles and warts. If you're not a total asshole, people like you anyway. Just imagine if your friends were like this. Trying to be the best conversationalist they can be with you instead of being the usual silly dickheads they generally are..

raphar 10y ago
>Oh internet and self-help gurus. Why do you have to be the "best" at everything and get the most of out stuff. The article's content is ok. But what called my attention was that every single paragraph links to a source, author or better: an amazon book page. Its like the index page of a book on the subject! pd: 15 mbyte & 420 requests to load the page

vinceguidry 10y ago

Everything about this is highly contextual and varies across cultures. Smiling in some situations makes you look powerful, in many others it makes you look weak. Being very animated can make you look carefree in some situations and just wild in others. The more time I spend in cultures that I didn't grow up in, the more convinced I become that there just aren't any universalities in this direction. Any attempt to do so is to try to generalize over all human behavior and the effort will either be wrong, being that there will be some cultures or situations where the rule doesn't hold, or it'll be useless, essentially telling you what you already know.

shiz 10y ago
I'd like to know the culture where smiling is seen differently. It is the global symbol of happiness and tells everybody on earth "i'm a friend" or at least "i'm friendly".
- brenschluss 10y ago
  Ever been to Eastern Europe or Russia?
  - rimliu 10y ago
    It is still a sign of happiness there. Only these people do not believe that one can be happy all the time so constant smiling comes off as insincere. There is a Russian saying "Смех без причины - признак дурочины" — smiling without a reason is a sign of stupidity.
- Broken_Hippo 10y ago
  There are a lot of examples of the differing meaning of a smile when you google it. Sometimes it is simply not appropriate to smile. I'm not sure if there are any culture that sees them as entirely evil, but a few do have a concept of an evil grin, a concept that sits alongside the smiles being friendly. It doesn't seem to be a stretch that a mistimed smile might make you look like a loon and other such differing beliefs. https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-and-smiling/483827/ https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/05/culture-... https://blog.allpsych.com/smiling-means-different-things-in-different-cultures/ https://blog.allpsych.com/smiling-means-different-things-in-... https://www.translatemedia.com/us/blog-us/the-meaning-of-a-smile-in-different-cultures/ https://www.translatemedia.com/us/blog-us/the-meaning-of-a-s...

hamandcheese 10y ago

"Ask people questions since people love talking about themselves" is common conversational advice I hear. In general I agree, but it's a bit disheartening when you realize that many people are so happy to talk about themselves that they never bother to ask you about yourself.

onmobiletemp 10y ago

I started paying attention to people and discovered a lot of this on my own over the course of three years. At some point i realized that whenever i talked to someone their eyes would glaze over and their face would go stony. Then theyd talk to someone else and their eyes would become focused and their face alive and animated. Laughter. I figured out this was because they didnt care about what i was saying or about my opinions. So i tried various things and looked at their eyes. Sometimes their eyes would become alive again and i could tell they cared. Slowly you learn what people want to hear. And its so true about smiling and body language, people feel uncomfortable if you dont project wellbeing. What you need to understand is that there is no logic in any of it. Humans are machines and the algorithms that they employ for attention and emotion are surprisngly uniform and very unintuitive for autists like me and you. Dont worry about the logic of whats hapenning, just think of what their algorithm is doing. Its verry dificult because you cant verify what people are thinking, you cant debug it and you cant start over -- you have to guess a lot. Overall people want to see big smiles and confident body posture. If you are slouched over people dont like it. If you stand up straight you will be amazed at how differently you are percieved. But it all has to be genuine. If youre trying to manipulate and understand people in a clinical way you will fail. All you need is a genuine desire to bond with people and the patience to pay attention to what seems to work and what doesnt. I should also add that for me, and probably for most people like me, the process of figurimg out what people like and dont like is also partly a process of self discovery. Im not the kind of person thats in touch with himself. Discovering how your words impact other people will also teach you about how your mind, conciously or otherwise, reacts emotionally to the words of others. Overall ive been genuinely excited to learn about myself amd others and use that wisdom to help enjoy the presence of other people. For me its been a very productive process of growth and discovery. I think framing the problem of interpersonal relations within that context instead of the cringey, manipulative context of internet social tips really helped.

scandox 10y ago
There is a lot of wisdom in your comments here. Especially impressive for the fact that the whole situation is obviously counter-intuitive for you.
10y ago

virtualritz 10y ago

Is it just me or is this just a hidden advertisement for the book "It's Not All About "Me": The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone" by Robin Dreke [1]? The book is mentioned (and linked) several times in the article and in articles the article itself cites as sources (and links to). [1]https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0060YIBLK

jokoon 10y ago

I started relationships at the age of 24, I was really impressed how easy it was for me. I always thought I was some kind of nerd loser, which I still feel I am. During all my life my method was always to slowly ask personal questions and "open up" people, let them talk about themselves, their job and skills. What people love is to let them talk about their problems, without criticizing them about it. I think I learned that from therapy. Once you do that, people are hooked and it's a pretty good way to learn about them. It's not manipulative as long as you don't exploit it against them or for your interest, which is really evil (and they will notice it very quickly). Then of course, you should always open up yourself if the person opened up to you, and that can be difficult, generally you should talk about yourself without necessarily waiting for the other person to ask. I always felt those things were kind of manipulative, but I asked and it seems they're not.

Kiro 10y ago

I always try to play the game of "don't say a thing about yourself until someone asks" and it always works wonders. Everyone loves me since all I do is ask questions, giving them an opportunity to speak about themselves. It seriously makes me hate people though since so few actually asks anything back.

personlurking 10y ago
Something happens to me with a certain frequency and I have yet to understand it. In a social group of people who are just getting to know each other, there are people I run into who only ask questions, and so I find the constant question-asking to be a defense mechanism (if that's the right term). That is, "I don't know how to go about talking to random people but if I just keep the questions coming, it'll be easier for me." So there are times when I feel all I've done is talk about myself and it makes me uncomfortable in the end. The only option open to me in these circumstances is to force the direction of the conversation on them. When I've just uttered the last word to the answer of the question they've asked, they ask me a follow-up before I've taken my next breath, so I'd have to force "enough about me, what's your experience with ____?" When I run into such a person, I usually give up and just answer all their questions. It's not that I don't want to know about them. Do you find any truth in this or has it ever happened to you, on either end of the spectrum?
- 1123581321 10y ago
  I've experienced this. I think you understand it well enough. It is uncomfortable because it is a one-sided conversation and when you know that the person might think they are manipulating you into liking them, it is hard not to feel exploited. I'm happy to say that some of the worst offenders in my life have improved their style over the years and respond to my answers with anecdotes of their own. They might still think they're getting me to like them but the conversation is interesting enough that I'm not annoyed by it.
  - personlurking 10y ago
    > respond to my answers with anecdotes of their own That's actually the only saving grace to these situations. Glad you mentioned it.

VeronicaHadley 10y ago

This one is the best from my recent readings. Communication is one of the important aspect of every soul prevailing on earth and we / humans are special one. Now from the business standpoint, it is always better to have good communicator who can negotiate with properly. I just want to add my words at the 'Silence' section; my viewpoints say, silence can be better than words sometimes.

kovek 10y ago

À lot of the discussions here remind me of the book How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend it. It's a short and easy read, since there are no technical terms. It's a lot of good examples that show what works and what does not in communicating with others. Also, check out the list of advice from this book that is probably online somewhere. I think it's important to read the examples in the book to understand the list.

nommm-nommm 10y ago

>Suspend your ego. Avoid correcting people This is actually an important thing to do and difficult for many of us "hacker" types that think more analytically.

YCode 10y ago

Somewhat related... Dale Carnegie, this article, et. al describe various methods to be liked, listened to, etc. that all basically revolve around the idea that you should make the conversation about them and their needs. Even smiling is a small step away from outright saying you like them and are willing to listen. One thing I've found though is that this can be mentally exhausting. It starts to feel like the people around you are starving for attention and suddenly they've found an oasis of it. But over even a short time the entropy of being on the giving end of nearly every interaction with someone creates a sort of mental energy vacuum. Certainly I can't be the only one who has experienced this -- how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs?

kdamken 10y ago
By focusing on your own needs above all else. Don't worry about befriending everyone. Be authentic and find people who like you for you actually are, not because you manipulated them into it. I highly recommend checking out "How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World".
jogjayr 10y ago
> how do you maintain your energy or sense of self when you are consistently trying to meet other people's needs? Some people thrive off interactions like this, I think. If that's not you (and I count myself in that category also) then I think the "best" compromise might be to turn it on only when and where it matters (even though that sounds awful and self-serving). That probably means with valued friends and close family, and people you're trying to impress for some reason (personal or professional).
Nomentatus 10y ago
Part of "showing a sincere interest in the other person" can be interrupting their monologue to ask them a specific question that redirects the conversation to something of more mutual interest (or any interest.) You don't have to be a rug they wipe their feet on, you can stand up for yourself and what might be of interest to you, just keep it about them somehow. If they decide you're a horrible person 'cause they just wanna monologue about complaint X (not common, but it happens) or don't want any input from you of any kind including a question about them, it's time to move on. Most people just need a little bump to make them a better conversationalist. Most people do understand at some level that a conversation is a mutual agreement to discuss the matter at hand, and the agreement part is necessary.

EagleVega 10y ago

I feel like this article is outlining how to fake a lot of things... It emphasizes rote lines. It feels shallow. However, I think it hints at what it takes to be a good conversationalist: a deep and genuine interest in people. That coupled with a broad knowledge allows you to find what someone is interested in and learn from their perspective while adding some to theirs. This is the core of solid communication and conversation.

jackskell 10y ago

As an introvert and someone who cares about my privacy and doesn't like to reveal personal details, I find it easier to simply keep the conversational ball in the other person's court. This seems to equal being a good listener. The trick is to learn to close the conversation when you are done with it, and avoid useless prattle from the other person.