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Why? Noy disputing you but I am childless yet primarily I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful. Like once I have a kid, then t
by alphabeta3r56 2mo ago
Why? Noy disputing you but I am childless yet primarily I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful.
Like once I have a kid, then that kid has to be the most significant part of my life. But before that, why?
- enjrolas 2mo agoAs a parent, I get to give you The Most Infuriating Answer: once you have kids, you'll understand.
- ignoramous 2mo agoSome do try: It's difficult to explain ... an intensely personal experience. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every culture has their own way of doing things ... yet children are the one universally shared thing that binds our giant collective together ... When I am holding Henry and I tickle him, I can feel him laughing all the way to his toes. And I realize, my God, I had forgotten ... how unbelievably wonderful it is that any of us exist at all. Here I am with this tiny, warm body so close to me, breathing so fast he can barely catch up, sharing his newfound joy of simply being alive with me. The sublime joy of this moment, and all the other milestones – the first smile, the first laugh, the first 'dada' or 'mama' ... The highs are so incredibly high that you'll get vertigo and wonder if you can ever reach that feeling again. But you peak ever higher and higher, with dizzying regularity ... a constant rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows. On Parenthood, https://blog.codinghorror.com/on-parenthood https://blog.codinghorror.com/on-parenthood / https://archive.vn/zxDzb https://archive.vn/zxDzb (Oct 2011).
- kmarc 2mo agoExcept... a million reasons where they will either not understand, or they should have not become a parent. The problem with the "The Most Infuriating Answer" is that it entirely neglects facts, and only those say it who do have a good experience with it. Happy for you, internet stranger. Just like I am happy for all of those around me: you all are the ones who do good parenting. In case you also want to become a better person in general, I recommend to stop being condescending, and not to say this ever again to anyone. You hurt more than you think you are wise.
- ignoramous 2mo agoI don't see OP's comment as condescending but I'm also not in these "should have not become a parent" shoes to tell, for sure. Insensitive? Perhaps. On a discussion board, it is hard to know who you're talking to. OP likely assumed some "persona" (different to those that might find it hurtful) before they wrote the comment. > You hurt more than you think you are wise We are all fighting some demon or the other. I appreciate you for bringing forth the kind most of us are (fortunate enough to be) oblivious to. Ignorance is bliss.
- alphabeta3r56 2mo agoI also dont think the OPs done was condescending.
- blharr 2mo ago> I recommend to stop being condescending Said in perhaps, the most condescending way possible
- Der_Einzige 2mo agoThe irony of this fact should be front and center to everyone and thus people saying it should have this forced to be capitalized with exclamation points. Similar, all invocations of "calm down" should be in all caps with exclamation points. Never in history has telling someone whose upset to "calm down" actually led to them calming down.
- astura 2mo agoI mean, ok, they might just understand or they might hate their children with a fiery passion and never miss and opportunity to vocalize it and ruin innocent lives like my parents did? One of the two I guess.
- Upvoter33 2mo agoI’m sorry to hear that about your parents.
- criddell 2mo agoI'd modify that to once you have kids, you might understand. It's for sure not a given and there are a lot of really terrible people out there who probably shouldn't have the kids they do.
- wat10000 2mo agoI'd like to object to this hopefully unintentional suggestion that failing to understand it means you're a terrible person. I don't think I'm a terrible person. My kids are healthy, mostly happy, seem to be well adjusted. I support their physical needs, do my best to support their emotional needs. I read to them, changed their diapers, taught them how to ride a bicycle, help them with their homework, kiss them goodnight. But I still don't understand. I know most parents have this whatever it is, but I'm still wondering.
- marknutter 2mo agoHave you been diagnosed with depression at all?
- wat10000 2mo agoYes. Probably since my teens although diagnosed much later.
- marknutter 1mo agoI wonder how much that has to do with it. Sorry you've struggled with it, though, definitely not fun.
- criddell 2mo agoI for sure didn't intend to imply that. My apologies.
- rTX5CMRXIfFG 2mo agoYou can say that about any life experience, and those who do shouldn’t even be chiming in discussions
- Daneel_ 2mo agoAlso as a parent, I still don't understand. I have two kids and regret it. They suck all the time and energy from my life. I give my all to be a great parent to them, and I would never let them know that I regret having kids, but if I could wind the clock back I almost certainly would. I feel like I'm throwing the most valuable years of my life in a wood chipper.
- russelldjimmy 2mo agoAgree with the sibling comment. As a new father, nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing - can describe the love, adoration and reverence that parents feel for their children. To be understood, it must be experienced. There is simply no other way.
- afc 2mo ago+1. I also felt this huge gap between knowing (intellectually) what parenting is and actually experiencing it. It really changes you, to the point that now, when I talk to childless people my age, I feel like we're fundamentally differently. I think I can perceive fairly accurately whether someone my age is a parent after just a few minutes of general conversation (obviously, without having to visit adjacent topics). I experienced this so strongly I spent some time actually writing a poem (in Spanish) about it: https://alejo.ch/39l https://alejo.ch/39l
- Ntrails 2mo ago> It really changes you, to the point that now, when I talk to childless people my age, I feel like we're fundamentally differently. As a childless person, the inverse is equally true. I have wildly different levels of obligation and constraint - and that difference typically becomes obvious very very quickly. I don't say that as a better/worse, just different.
- alphabeta3r56 2mo agoThanks for the answer. And I understand that. But for me, that answer is potentially a very biased answer. Is it a feeling that comes naturally or is it forced in the sense that you realise you are everything for the kid and the kid is everything for you and both you the kid have no other choice. Talking to a lot of people (bit you) i felt it was more the latter.
- fn-mote 2mo agoLet me paraphrase a scene from “Lessons in Chemistry”. The main character confesses that twice she has wanted to give up her child for adoption. Another mom laughs... "Twenty times would still make you an amateur." The point is: it’s not all love and adoration.
- JW_00000 2mo agoWhy is anything significant or meaningful? This will always be subjective. Although there is an evolutionary reason why our brain would make our offspring significant to us.
- modo_mario 2mo ago>But before that, why You can ask that question about a lot of things whether it's one entrepeneurial baby or their nature conservation effort which reveals it to be somewhat meaningless question.
- wjnc 2mo agoBecause any fault of theirs feels like a fault of yours, but you learn that you cannot fix faults of theirs like you can (try to) fix faults of yours. You learn to become a parent, a teacher, a guide, a kind of friend, in the most deeply connected relationship you’ll ever have. A relationship that exposes you to every fault of yourself, while you feel the deepest love for and connection with your children. A connection that’s not even always reciprocated. Parenting is the true Aristotelian politeia. (I’m halfway through our main parental fase.)
- alphabeta3r56 2mo agoThank for your answer. I appreciate that.
- DanielHB 2mo agoIt is kinda weird, because you feel so much more tired all the time. Yet at the same time you have so much more motivation to do _everything_. It is like I feel 50% more tired, yet 200% more engaged with everything I do. It really makes your life a lot more meaningful. Before I would waste so much time engaging on video games / internet-browsing / TV-youtube / etc and just not enjoying the time I spent. It felt very meaningless, like why even bother working? I have (had) savings to go take several years of sabbatical if I wanted. When I actually boot up a video game today I actually enjoy it. And that is all on top of normal stuff you hear about having kids.
- alphabeta3r56 2mo agoThanks. I have a friend who says the same as you.
- latentsea 2mo agoEver built something and felt proud of it? Like 'that was cool' or 'that was neat'. It's like a never ending source of that feeling. Most things you do in life just don't last that long, but raising kids lasts a really long time.
- alphabeta3r56 2mo agoYes. I keep getting that feeling everyday with my work as of now. And I also got a PhD after fighting a lot of hardship including huge opposition from my parents to the effect of having lost contact with them. But what you said does ring a bell in that, I need to be constantly doing my work in getting that feeling. (apart from my PhD which every once in a while makes me go wheeeee). I guess with kids, its like my PhD but a constant source instead of static fading in time?
- jcheng 2mo agoMy own accomplishments make me go wheeeee but my kids’ accomplishments, even mundane ones, make me go WHEEEEEEEEE!
- nonethewiser 2mo agoNow imagine all that drive and motivation except you’re doing it all for someone else.
- cindyllm 2mo ago[dead]
- sundarurfriend 2mo agoBecause it's evolutionarily favourable - the same reason sex feels good. One is instantaneous pleasure, and the other is sustained doses of feelings of satisfaction, because they optimise for different things; but ultimately you can understand them easily if you think about how core they are to what evolution favours.
- thenoblesunfish 2mo agoOnce you have kids you quickly discover that you get forced into it. You have to engage. If you don't, they scream. They get in trouble at school. They are unhappy and it breaks your heart. Once you have no choice but to do something, you will find it's better to find meaning in it. Meaning is ultimately something you create for yourself.
- Upvoter33 2mo agoIt’s because of the opportunity to truly learn responsibility to others, instead of selfish responsibility to self.
- nonethewiser 2mo ago>Why? Noy disputing you but I am childless yet primarily I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful. Its because they are more important than anything else to a parent. You are invested in their outcome more than anything else. I don’t see how this isn’t obvious.
- anonymars 2mo ago> I don’t see how this isn’t obvious What contribution does this add to your point? It comes off as a put-down
- nonethewiser 1mo agoYou can tell me why it isn’t obvious to you. Or is it obvious? I would like to hear you articulate why you believe bringing up a kid is neither significant nor meaningful? The time commitment and emotional bond alone makes pretty trivially proves it is, don’t you think?
- anonymars 1mo agoSomeone without children asks an apparent good faith question about why parenting is more significant and meaningful [than other pursuits] An answer is provided, but with an "isn't it obvious?" at the end On the one hand, one could argue that the question wouldn't have been asked if it were obvious (which would be an equally unnecessary riposte), but it might be worth reflecting on what that part adds to the conversation or whether it's a habit, especially in the context of parenting
- rTX5CMRXIfFG 2mo agoI’m surprised this hasn’t come up yet: Because by being a parent, you become responsible for someone else’s life besides your own, permanently and beyond the transactional or contractual sense of a job or a passion project. It is a life experience unmatched by anything else (though I think that being a teacher or the caretaker of children in an orphanage come close). You get free reign over the shaping of a person who will touch the lives of others, and the good or the bad that becomes of it is the consequence of your own values and way of existence. Not disputing you either—I once said I will never have children, too—but indeed and as with other life decisions, you should stay childless while you find the meaning of it incomprehensible. It’s not for people who are not ready to stop thinking about themselves.
- the_af 2mo ago> I cannot think why bringing up a kid would be significant or meaningful. I don't think it's something to think or reason about. You feel it (or don't, in some cases). As an atheist, I suppose this is how truly religious people feel about their religion: it brings them joy and meaning. (And much like in some religions, you sometimes feel you're beholden to a demanding, whimsical god!).