5 ms·

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many peopl

As someone who used to have a highly active social life and now finds IRL socializing to be mostly a dull chore, I always find it confusing to see so many people commenting to the contrary. My partner is slightly more social than me and gets out slightly more than I do, but generally we are homebodies and we like it that way. Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests. The few times I find a candidate who isn’t like this, they usually have some kind of personality disorder that makes them too unstable for long-term friendship. When I was younger I often looked past this, but there’s only so many times you are willing to let a human wrecking ball into your life. A good book is almost always better. The life of a deep reader and casual hobbyist is rich and fulfilling if your romantic needs are satisfied at home. I do not miss my former social life at all. Just leaving this out there for any other wayward souls who may be annoyed by the conversation.

andrewl 10mo ago
What country are you in?
- iamnothere 10mo ago
  The US. I think the increased political polarization has changed things somewhat, as well as the aging of my peer demographic. People tend to become more close-minded and fixed in their beliefs as they age, so if you’re a freethinker who enjoys thought experiments and challenging norms then it’s difficult to find others who are similar. Even many so-called “freethinkers” merely regurgitate common talking points and claim that this is somehow interesting, and they get more aggressive than “normies” if you try to branch out! I used to be able to engage in open ended conversations with people where you explore topics from all angles and adopt abhorrent positions as a way to understand the truth. Nobody seems to be comfortable with that anymore. Perhaps in the past everyone was just so drunk that they didn’t care about their inhibitions; I don’t tend to drink socially anymore and alcohol is famously a social lubricant.
  - charlie0 10mo ago
    I'm with you all the way. It's always much easier to strike up conversations with foreigners on my travels (or the locals) abroad than it is with people from the US, even when abroad. I was on vacation taking a tour when another American family joined. It didn't take long until they started to talk about politics. We could have talked about so many other things, but that's the reality for the vast majority of Americans. Politics is the only sport left and all consuming for most here. The worst part is like you said, they are rooting simply for their own team and aren't looking for an actual intellectual discussion on anything.
    - a96 10mo ago
      It's more tribalism than actual politics.
  - SamoyedFurFluff 10mo ago
    Can you name a few topics that you feel benefit from taking an abhorrent position as a way to understand the truth? I also deeply seek open ended conversations about incredibly thorny subjects but I almost never purposefully take a position to I consider abhorrent in order to do so. For example while I am curious about and want to understand antisemitism as a political movement, I don’t see how actually adopting antisemitic beliefs even as a thought exercise would make me understand them more. I find I much more benefit from trying to develop a framework of analysis based on a mix of books from experts (which help as a kind of a meta study crystallized into a person with deep expertise in a subject) and witnessing individual antisemetic acts to see if they fit into the metanarrative by the experts— if they don’t, why not, etc.
  - gilrain 10mo ago
    > adopt abhorrent positions as a way to understand the truth That sounds very unpleasant to be around.
    - iamnothere 10mo ago
      To each their own. I find it highly entertaining and occasionally enlightening.
ljosifov 10mo ago
+1. For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I too found weighting 'spend time with human persons v.s. with my own thoughts, or programming and writing, or reading a paper or a post, or listening to a podcast while walking in nature' lately come down on the side away from humans. So far - it's been way more interesting. When/if that changes and becomes boring - will think what next and change.
- iamnothere 10mo ago
  Exactly, I may change my stripes again, but for now a life of relative solitude feels right. No hate intended towards those who feel the need to be social. If you feel like you’re missing out, the article has some good advice. But there’s nothing wrong with those of us who prefer a quiet morning walk to an average conversation.
- huhkerrf 10mo ago
  > But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I don't know what you're talking about. People loooove talking about how hell is other people or how they'd rather be curled up on the couch, how relieved they are when others cancel plans at the last minute.
- mvdtnz 10mo ago
  > For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. There's literally an entire website dedicated to people with this point of view, it's called Reddit.
maplant 10mo ago
Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/
- snerbles 10mo ago
  Finger-wag all you want, it's not going to make that Sisyphean boulder any lighter.
- iamnothere 10mo ago
  I guess I’m unhealthy then. Sad!
  - johnfn 10mo ago
    I do think unhealthy is the way to put it. I think that being asocial is kind of like being overweight, in that they have similarly negative effects on health[1]. Of course, being in good health is multifactorial, and just as you can find many overweight people who are otherwise in fine health, you can find many people (like yourself) who eschew social situations but are otherwise perfectly happy. Though I do think, if you extend the metaphor, that saying that socializing is a dull chore is a bit like saying exercising is a dull chore. [1] https://www.ssmhealth.com/newsroom/blogs/ssm-health-matters/august-2019/loneliness-social-isolation-harmful-to-health https://www.ssmhealth.com/newsroom/blogs/ssm-health-matters/...
- dubeye 10mo ago
  It’s perhaps possible to get the bulk of this ‘required’ socialisation from your home life though
  - iamnothere 10mo ago
    Yes. It helps to have a partner who also has a rich intellectual and/or creative life.
basisword 10mo ago
I don’t think other people are the problem here. Harshly judging others and only wanting to socialise with people that fit a strict narrow criteria is the problem. And it sounds like you have good reason to do that due to past bad experience. I’ve been in a very similar situation and used it to justify keeping a minimal social life. But discarding a rich social life due to some bad experience is the wrong solution. It’s like getting a car accident and deciding you should never travel by car again.
- iamnothere 10mo ago
  Human experience is broader than you can imagine. Through reading, I regularly encounter new ideas and concepts that I never could have derived from my interactions with others. Through meditation and contemplation I have experienced strange and fascinating modes of consciousness that are available to anyone willing to sit still for a while. Casual travel has led me to an endless number of beautiful empty places, places whose very lack of humans made me feel completely free. Making physical things as a hobby has made me deeply satisfied in a way I never have felt when dealing with people. None of this has required much in the way of socializing, in fact excessive socializing would actively interfere with these activities. I reject your implication that a highly social life is better than a rich, mostly solitary life. It’s different, but not better.
  - basisword 10mo ago
    None of these are bad things.They're all great. But rejecting socialising with other humans due to a negative experience with some is the opposite of the enlightenment that can be found through meditation. If you only read about things rather than experience them you can't really know them. If you only travel alone you miss out on the joy of travelling and discovering with others. You can do both.
    - iamnothere 10mo ago
      You seem to misunderstand. I don’t reject socializing because of a few negative experiences, I just don’t get any significant positive feelings anymore from the majority of my social interactions, after many attempts, and especially when compared with interactions from long ago. It isn’t just other people, I have changed too. Even interactions that “go well” just don’t provide anything of value. What’s more, I don’t miss it. I much prefer what I have now. I don’t travel alone, I travel with my partner who is a great companion.
Rendello 10mo ago
> there’s only so many times you are willing to let a human wrecking ball into your life. I understand this deeply. On the other hand, I do believe that community is essential for a good life (for 99%+ of people). It's a struggle for me, as I want community, but I've had many wrecking balls and anchors (and been them), and so I tend to be defensive. > Other people [...] are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests. I also feel this. But I suspect a large part of this is that defensiveness, people are meant to live in harmony with those (fairly) different from them. But especially with regard to differing values, sometimes it feels like no one around you shares the same framework. I think that's one reason people move to new places.
danenania 10mo ago
I definitely see your point. I'd just say though that it can put a lot of pressure on the romantic relationship. Some can handle it; others might not. And also it makes it much more difficult to recover if things don't work out. Social life is a bit like SEO. To get the full benefits, you needed to start on it years ago. Trying to do it just-in-time is generally a very frustrating experience. I think there's wisdom in doing casual cultivation when you don't feel you need it. It's like keeping your skills/résumé up-to-date just in case.
mvdtnz 10mo ago
> Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests. Does every person need to be unpredicatable and intellectually stimulating in order to spend time with them? If a friend who lives in Rotorua is interested in mountain biking (how predictable, how shallow) does that make spending time on a bike in the forest with them somehow lesser?
- rhco 10mo ago
  It's always fun seeing other Kiwis on HN, but this is the first time I've seen my hometown mentioned! I do agree with your point too: perhaps emotional stimulation is also important? That can be a lot less sharp, less well-defined, but just as enriching. It sounds like GP has very high standards for their friends, which is not the point IMO. I think we should have friends to broaden our horizons and expose us to new things. Intelligence is only one part of that.
  - brabel 10mo ago
    I am not a Kiwi but was in Rotorua once, just wanted to say it is a lovely town (there was a sign claiming it was the nicest town in NZ!) and I loved the geyser and boiling mud! Must be funny to live with the sulphur smell and not even noticing except when you leave and come back after a while.
DEDLINE 10mo ago
An interesting comment here. I can attribute jumping several economic classes to the social skills I honed in high school and college. I have many friendships that are decades-plus and I had 150+ of my invited friends / family attend my wedding. Emotionally, I do not long for new friends. It's a lot of work to maintain the relationships I have with my friends, family, wife and daughter. I find aimless socialization these days to be laborious. I just do not give a shit. I recently moved to NYC. I am at a point in my career where it's networking and politics that will get me ahead. I see a lot of my net-new socialization moving this direction.
brailsafe 10mo ago
I think I went through a phase of feeling like you do, but eventually I realized it was a pretentious, excessively online, insufficiently adventurous, disconnected way to engage in life, that was lacking in humility and vulnerability, relying too much on control. I realized all of this while not having gone to the apparent extreme you have, and never stopped building new friendships, but my level of engagement in those friendships and how I felt about them did change. I don't believe you can constantly add new arbitrary friends and have them all be equally as deep or stimulating—it's not economical from a time perspective, assuming you want to be friends with yourself too and devote time to your own interests alone—but that doesn't mean you need to exempt yourself from social life altogether. Additionally, I've found that the people I'm exposed to and can build strong relationships with are only limited by own interests and depth. I have been fairly one-dimensional at times, and thus my friends end up being people who can tolerate that one-dimensionality. If I bring political bs to every party, I'll only be invited to parties I won't kill the vibe at, it's not their fault, and likewise if all I could talk about was programming, I'd only have tech friends. Incidentally I have only two tech friends among at least 20-30 pther "strong" friends from completely unrelated backgrounds with different dispositions. It's okay to not miss a specific type of social life, but I think it's worth reflecting more deeply on a lack of interest in any social life. Your social life should not be transactional, imho. A book won't show up to your wedding, a book will not wave at you while on your to a grocery store, and a book will not climb a mountain, go biking, or play cards with you during a rainstorm on a train. Your romantic partner might, but they can't be expected to do it all the time. I don't do any of that with all my friends either.
- make3 10mo ago
  I don't know if I'm the only one, but 30 strong friends sounds insane to me. You're a lucky human to have the personality and skills to achieve that.
  - brailsafe 10mo ago
    Absolutely, and I try to keep that in mind. I tried to explicitly indicate that it's not a homogeneous group, not in terms of longevity, ethnic background, common ground, age, location, or frequency, although they are mostly the same sex among my closest friends. I try to just start small, open myself up to new experiences and people, and then identify when we have good chemistry, which takes a bit of personal honesty. For every good friend, I have probably 3 acquaintances that I also see regularly in group settings but not super close, and some of those that might have become close friends but dropped off for whatever reason. They're people that I've known typically for at least 2 years, I trust, and I'd be able to DM for a hangout, drink with, engage in a variety of common interests together, we can roast each other and be toxic and give each other a pass as long as it's all in good humor. The skills and traits that make me reasonably good at that don't help me in the kinds of activities that make people boring and successful in a nostalgic middle class suburbia sense, so it has tradeoffs, and it's not always easy, but it averages out to easy. I used to be very shy, and probably wouldn't be this way if I'd stayed in my hometown where everyone just stays away from each other and knows their high school mates. I live in a relatively expensive city, don't have a car or a house, or kids, or many physical assets. I'm employed, but probably have not been for more than half of my adult life, and I rent. Spreading myself too thin beyond that isn't really sustainable until there's a good foundation of trust built and it's not as necessary to see each other every week. Some older friends I see once a year, others I've seen 4 times this week due to holiday parties, and some are people I know in my community. Events and lots of socializing come in bursts and it can be tiring, so I'll just dip out for a while and refresh when necessary, which I'm currently looking forward to, but have a wedding and a birthday coming up in the next 3 days lol Incidentally, I've also never once known my immediate neighbors beyond a brief few conversations.
deleted 10mo ago
[deleted]
jimbokun 10mo ago
You seem to have an extremely high regard for yourself.

andrewl 10mo ago

What country are you in?

iamnothere 10mo ago
The US. I think the increased political polarization has changed things somewhat, as well as the aging of my peer demographic. People tend to become more close-minded and fixed in their beliefs as they age, so if you’re a freethinker who enjoys thought experiments and challenging norms then it’s difficult to find others who are similar. Even many so-called “freethinkers” merely regurgitate common talking points and claim that this is somehow interesting, and they get more aggressive than “normies” if you try to branch out! I used to be able to engage in open ended conversations with people where you explore topics from all angles and adopt abhorrent positions as a way to understand the truth. Nobody seems to be comfortable with that anymore. Perhaps in the past everyone was just so drunk that they didn’t care about their inhibitions; I don’t tend to drink socially anymore and alcohol is famously a social lubricant.
- charlie0 10mo ago
  I'm with you all the way. It's always much easier to strike up conversations with foreigners on my travels (or the locals) abroad than it is with people from the US, even when abroad. I was on vacation taking a tour when another American family joined. It didn't take long until they started to talk about politics. We could have talked about so many other things, but that's the reality for the vast majority of Americans. Politics is the only sport left and all consuming for most here. The worst part is like you said, they are rooting simply for their own team and aren't looking for an actual intellectual discussion on anything.
  - a96 10mo ago
    It's more tribalism than actual politics.
- SamoyedFurFluff 10mo ago
  Can you name a few topics that you feel benefit from taking an abhorrent position as a way to understand the truth? I also deeply seek open ended conversations about incredibly thorny subjects but I almost never purposefully take a position to I consider abhorrent in order to do so. For example while I am curious about and want to understand antisemitism as a political movement, I don’t see how actually adopting antisemitic beliefs even as a thought exercise would make me understand them more. I find I much more benefit from trying to develop a framework of analysis based on a mix of books from experts (which help as a kind of a meta study crystallized into a person with deep expertise in a subject) and witnessing individual antisemetic acts to see if they fit into the metanarrative by the experts— if they don’t, why not, etc.
- gilrain 10mo ago
  > adopt abhorrent positions as a way to understand the truth That sounds very unpleasant to be around.
  - iamnothere 10mo ago
    To each their own. I find it highly entertaining and occasionally enlightening.

ljosifov 10mo ago

+1. For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I too found weighting 'spend time with human persons v.s. with my own thoughts, or programming and writing, or reading a paper or a post, or listening to a podcast while walking in nature' lately come down on the side away from humans. So far - it's been way more interesting. When/if that changes and becomes boring - will think what next and change.

iamnothere 10mo ago
Exactly, I may change my stripes again, but for now a life of relative solitude feels right. No hate intended towards those who feel the need to be social. If you feel like you’re missing out, the article has some good advice. But there’s nothing wrong with those of us who prefer a quiet morning walk to an average conversation.
huhkerrf 10mo ago
> But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. I don't know what you're talking about. People loooove talking about how hell is other people or how they'd rather be curled up on the couch, how relieved they are when others cancel plans at the last minute.
mvdtnz 10mo ago
> For every one like the author of the blog post, it's likely to be another one in the opposite direction. But they will be unlikely to write a post about that. There's literally an entire website dedicated to people with this point of view, it's called Reddit.

maplant 10mo ago

Socializing is not a "dull chore" it is a essential component of healthy living[1] By not socializing, you are avoiding (to quote the linked article) a "fundamental human need." This is not something you can simply live without, just like you cannot live a good live without exercise. The view you are espousing is fundamentally unhealthy. [1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11403199/

snerbles 10mo ago
Finger-wag all you want, it's not going to make that Sisyphean boulder any lighter.
iamnothere 10mo ago
I guess I’m unhealthy then. Sad!
- johnfn 10mo ago
  I do think unhealthy is the way to put it. I think that being asocial is kind of like being overweight, in that they have similarly negative effects on health[1]. Of course, being in good health is multifactorial, and just as you can find many overweight people who are otherwise in fine health, you can find many people (like yourself) who eschew social situations but are otherwise perfectly happy. Though I do think, if you extend the metaphor, that saying that socializing is a dull chore is a bit like saying exercising is a dull chore. [1] https://www.ssmhealth.com/newsroom/blogs/ssm-health-matters/august-2019/loneliness-social-isolation-harmful-to-health https://www.ssmhealth.com/newsroom/blogs/ssm-health-matters/...
dubeye 10mo ago
It’s perhaps possible to get the bulk of this ‘required’ socialisation from your home life though
- iamnothere 10mo ago
  Yes. It helps to have a partner who also has a rich intellectual and/or creative life.

basisword 10mo ago

I don’t think other people are the problem here. Harshly judging others and only wanting to socialise with people that fit a strict narrow criteria is the problem. And it sounds like you have good reason to do that due to past bad experience. I’ve been in a very similar situation and used it to justify keeping a minimal social life. But discarding a rich social life due to some bad experience is the wrong solution. It’s like getting a car accident and deciding you should never travel by car again.

iamnothere 10mo ago
Human experience is broader than you can imagine. Through reading, I regularly encounter new ideas and concepts that I never could have derived from my interactions with others. Through meditation and contemplation I have experienced strange and fascinating modes of consciousness that are available to anyone willing to sit still for a while. Casual travel has led me to an endless number of beautiful empty places, places whose very lack of humans made me feel completely free. Making physical things as a hobby has made me deeply satisfied in a way I never have felt when dealing with people. None of this has required much in the way of socializing, in fact excessive socializing would actively interfere with these activities. I reject your implication that a highly social life is better than a rich, mostly solitary life. It’s different, but not better.
- basisword 10mo ago
  None of these are bad things.They're all great. But rejecting socialising with other humans due to a negative experience with some is the opposite of the enlightenment that can be found through meditation. If you only read about things rather than experience them you can't really know them. If you only travel alone you miss out on the joy of travelling and discovering with others. You can do both.
  - iamnothere 10mo ago
    You seem to misunderstand. I don’t reject socializing because of a few negative experiences, I just don’t get any significant positive feelings anymore from the majority of my social interactions, after many attempts, and especially when compared with interactions from long ago. It isn’t just other people, I have changed too. Even interactions that “go well” just don’t provide anything of value. What’s more, I don’t miss it. I much prefer what I have now. I don’t travel alone, I travel with my partner who is a great companion.

Rendello 10mo ago

> there’s only so many times you are willing to let a human wrecking ball into your life. I understand this deeply. On the other hand, I do believe that community is essential for a good life (for 99%+ of people). It's a struggle for me, as I want community, but I've had many wrecking balls and anchors (and been them), and so I tend to be defensive. > Other people [...] are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests. I also feel this. But I suspect a large part of this is that defensiveness, people are meant to live in harmony with those (fairly) different from them. But especially with regard to differing values, sometimes it feels like no one around you shares the same framework. I think that's one reason people move to new places.

danenania 10mo ago

I definitely see your point. I'd just say though that it can put a lot of pressure on the romantic relationship. Some can handle it; others might not. And also it makes it much more difficult to recover if things don't work out. Social life is a bit like SEO. To get the full benefits, you needed to start on it years ago. Trying to do it just-in-time is generally a very frustrating experience. I think there's wisdom in doing casual cultivation when you don't feel you need it. It's like keeping your skills/résumé up-to-date just in case.

mvdtnz 10mo ago

> Other people (at least in this country) are generally emotionally messy, unwilling to tolerate people with radically different views/values, and either intellectually lacking or overly predictable in their interests. Does every person need to be unpredicatable and intellectually stimulating in order to spend time with them? If a friend who lives in Rotorua is interested in mountain biking (how predictable, how shallow) does that make spending time on a bike in the forest with them somehow lesser?

rhco 10mo ago
It's always fun seeing other Kiwis on HN, but this is the first time I've seen my hometown mentioned! I do agree with your point too: perhaps emotional stimulation is also important? That can be a lot less sharp, less well-defined, but just as enriching. It sounds like GP has very high standards for their friends, which is not the point IMO. I think we should have friends to broaden our horizons and expose us to new things. Intelligence is only one part of that.
- brabel 10mo ago
  I am not a Kiwi but was in Rotorua once, just wanted to say it is a lovely town (there was a sign claiming it was the nicest town in NZ!) and I loved the geyser and boiling mud! Must be funny to live with the sulphur smell and not even noticing except when you leave and come back after a while.

DEDLINE 10mo ago

An interesting comment here. I can attribute jumping several economic classes to the social skills I honed in high school and college. I have many friendships that are decades-plus and I had 150+ of my invited friends / family attend my wedding. Emotionally, I do not long for new friends. It's a lot of work to maintain the relationships I have with my friends, family, wife and daughter. I find aimless socialization these days to be laborious. I just do not give a shit. I recently moved to NYC. I am at a point in my career where it's networking and politics that will get me ahead. I see a lot of my net-new socialization moving this direction.

brailsafe 10mo ago

I think I went through a phase of feeling like you do, but eventually I realized it was a pretentious, excessively online, insufficiently adventurous, disconnected way to engage in life, that was lacking in humility and vulnerability, relying too much on control. I realized all of this while not having gone to the apparent extreme you have, and never stopped building new friendships, but my level of engagement in those friendships and how I felt about them did change. I don't believe you can constantly add new arbitrary friends and have them all be equally as deep or stimulating—it's not economical from a time perspective, assuming you want to be friends with yourself too and devote time to your own interests alone—but that doesn't mean you need to exempt yourself from social life altogether. Additionally, I've found that the people I'm exposed to and can build strong relationships with are only limited by own interests and depth. I have been fairly one-dimensional at times, and thus my friends end up being people who can tolerate that one-dimensionality. If I bring political bs to every party, I'll only be invited to parties I won't kill the vibe at, it's not their fault, and likewise if all I could talk about was programming, I'd only have tech friends. Incidentally I have only two tech friends among at least 20-30 pther "strong" friends from completely unrelated backgrounds with different dispositions. It's okay to not miss a specific type of social life, but I think it's worth reflecting more deeply on a lack of interest in any social life. Your social life should not be transactional, imho. A book won't show up to your wedding, a book will not wave at you while on your to a grocery store, and a book will not climb a mountain, go biking, or play cards with you during a rainstorm on a train. Your romantic partner might, but they can't be expected to do it all the time. I don't do any of that with all my friends either.

make3 10mo ago
I don't know if I'm the only one, but 30 strong friends sounds insane to me. You're a lucky human to have the personality and skills to achieve that.
- brailsafe 10mo ago
  Absolutely, and I try to keep that in mind. I tried to explicitly indicate that it's not a homogeneous group, not in terms of longevity, ethnic background, common ground, age, location, or frequency, although they are mostly the same sex among my closest friends. I try to just start small, open myself up to new experiences and people, and then identify when we have good chemistry, which takes a bit of personal honesty. For every good friend, I have probably 3 acquaintances that I also see regularly in group settings but not super close, and some of those that might have become close friends but dropped off for whatever reason. They're people that I've known typically for at least 2 years, I trust, and I'd be able to DM for a hangout, drink with, engage in a variety of common interests together, we can roast each other and be toxic and give each other a pass as long as it's all in good humor. The skills and traits that make me reasonably good at that don't help me in the kinds of activities that make people boring and successful in a nostalgic middle class suburbia sense, so it has tradeoffs, and it's not always easy, but it averages out to easy. I used to be very shy, and probably wouldn't be this way if I'd stayed in my hometown where everyone just stays away from each other and knows their high school mates. I live in a relatively expensive city, don't have a car or a house, or kids, or many physical assets. I'm employed, but probably have not been for more than half of my adult life, and I rent. Spreading myself too thin beyond that isn't really sustainable until there's a good foundation of trust built and it's not as necessary to see each other every week. Some older friends I see once a year, others I've seen 4 times this week due to holiday parties, and some are people I know in my community. Events and lots of socializing come in bursts and it can be tiring, so I'll just dip out for a while and refresh when necessary, which I'm currently looking forward to, but have a wedding and a birthday coming up in the next 3 days lol Incidentally, I've also never once known my immediate neighbors beyond a brief few conversations.

deleted 10mo ago

[deleted]

jimbokun 10mo ago

You seem to have an extremely high regard for yourself.