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Would You Rather Have Married Young?
- 01HNNWZ0MV43FF 2y ago[flagged]
- johnea 2y agoYes
- ferguess_k 2y agoI might ponder the option to never get married.
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- readthenotes1 2y agoToo bad those experience-seekers never read Burmese Days: "Beauty unshared is diminished" "Experiences" evaporate without being able to revive them with someone who experienced them with you. In my experience, at least
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- ATMLOTTOBEER 2y ago[flagged]
- ketzo 2y agoI think this is an excellent addition to the perspective of the article! Why do you not think so?
- gedy 2y agoI know this is directed at women, but had I (a male) not married and had kids, I wouldn't have shit at this point in my life, including motivation. I'd guess I'd have slept with a couple more women, but everything else seems kinda meaningless. Friends turn into acquaintances, hobbies and travel are neat but ephemeral. Different strokes I suppose.
- chews 2y agoAs an older partner, yes, of course. Yet I am glad to have found the person I love and am building a family together. I wished I had kids earlier...
- a2tech 2y agoI met my (eventual) wife at 19 years old. We've been married since 2007 and the only regret I have is that we didn't get together earlier. We've been great influences on each other and if we had gotten together earlier, we'd be even further than we are now.
- smoyer 2y agoI met my wife when I was 17 ... And she was 14. We started dating when I was 19 and she was 17 and (soon) we'll celebrate our 38th anniversary. I guess it's easy for me to say but isn't it more about finding the right person? Like you, we complement each other but we also support each other. It's is against the world and we're making our own ride count!
- gedy 2y agoI think a lot of it is you have a chance to grow a bit together before your habits, desires, and life goals have calcified. I'd really have a hard time dating now in middle age, as I really have little enthusiasm to "meet in the middle" like I did when in my 20s.
- masijo 2y agoI don't believe in the institution of marriage so no. I don't need some religious arrangement to justify my love.
- lotsofpulp 2y agoFrom a modern society's logistic point of view, marriage is not a religious arrangement. It is the recognization of a contract entered into by 2 parties which will dictate myriad events in the future, especially regarding property/child/estate/healthcare/etc disputes. Neither me nor my wife are religious, but pooling our assets together and having children together means we are now intertwined to the level that third parties may need to intervene (in the event of a dispute or death or something) and it helps sort that out more easily.
- owebmaster 2y agoBrazil?
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- lotsofpulp 2y agoI don’t understand. I’m in the USA.
- owebmaster 2y agoSorry, I replied the wrong comment, wanted to reply to a comment mentioning "defacto relationships"
- technothrasher 2y agoYou certainly don't need to get married if you don't wish to do so, and you can still live a fulfilled life with or without a partner. But marriage has never been simply a "religious arrangement". Yes, marriage has been much co-opted by religion, but non-religious people have always existed and have always married each other outside of any religious arrangement.
- api 2y agoI (male) married in my early twenties and just celebrated my twentieth anniversary. Wouldn’t trade it for a thing. I suppose I might have had more “adventures” if I’d waited but honestly every time I hear a dating story from someone I know who is single I feel very lucky. When I look at the dating scene today it feels like I caught the last flight out of a war zone. Seems like it’s very easy to hook up but way harder to really connect. Advice: no matter your age if you find someone you really love who has compatible values and goals, go for it. Obviously give it careful thought first but don’t pass it up thinking you’re going to miss out on (insert imaginary partner that probably represents something you want to improve about yourself). If you are with someone and going through a rough time, work on it and don’t give up easy.
- lazypenguin 2y agoI also married in my early twenties (21 actually) and am still happily married over a decade later. No regrets for me; I was lucky to find someone compatible early on and we were able to grow together. Yes undoubtedly you sacrifice some experiences choosing this path but I cherish that bond and antidote to loneliness. There's something comforting about having someone so close for important parts of your life spanning a long time. A real partner to the challenges so you don't have to do everything alone. I was hesitant to share but I thought it would be better in the end. We often hear of negative experiences (divorce, abuse, etc.) but I regularly hear about couples quietly enjoying their long relationships together. Feels right to offer a counter-point to those stories to say it's not always a mistake.
- re-thc 2y agoI would rather marry when I want to (young or not).
- 999900000999 2y agoWay to only assume a happy path scenario. My last partner was in the process of a second divorce. One of my family members has been through 3 divorces. Unpaid child support abound, which he'll never pay. Honestly I'm just happy to have a place to live, and a great career. First girlfriend dumped me right after I got fired. I do wonder, hypothetically she met me a few months later when I was doing much better. We marry. We attend church. Our kids are bilingual in Korean and English with hints of a South Central dialect. But that's just a fantasy. Just as easily we could be divorced, no kids and I'm just paying alimony. I guess if VR gets advanced enough in time I can plug into an ultra realistic version of the Sims...
- fxtentacle 2y agoWhat if there is only an illusion of choice? The article nicely argues about the advantages and drawbacks of a lifestyle centered around collecting experiences. And that way, experience is presented as the alternative to getting married early. But as one of the examples in the article so eloquently points out, marriage might not be among the options offered to you. If your character is too annoying, you'll be shown the door (called One Man's Thrash in the article). If the guys that you would marry don't want to marry you, then "collecting experiences" is your only choice. Which would turn the question into: do you regret having an unpleasant character when you were young?
- greatpostman 2y agoI’m pretty sure as you get older your emotions are more blunted, and you don’t form the same level of bond as you would with someone when you’re 22
- deleted 2y ago[deleted]
- pdonis 2y agoMy experience has been the opposite: my emotions have gotten deeper as I've grown older, and I feel more bonded to the people I'm close to now than I did when I was younger. Part of it is probably that I'm better at relationships than I was when I was younger. But even that is a sign of emotions not getting blunted.
- coffeebeqn 2y agoMe too, I was more emotionally stunted in my 20s still. I would say having kids and the experience of parenting finally gave me access to the full spectrum of emotions
- pdonis 2y agoI don't know that I'd say I was "emotionally stunted" when I was younger. I still felt emotions strongly then; I just often didn't know what to do with them.
- margorczynski 2y agoI think more important would be for me to have kids when younger - when you have more strength and stamina, a longer amount of time you can be with them and your grandchildren. Of course the most important thing is to do it (marry & start a family) with the right person, otherwise your life can actually get much worse than previously.
- nextts 2y agoKids younger. You miss out on parties and travel but then your brain will get likely rewired to not care/regret that when you are older. Plus then at 40 you can start your startup. One tip is to make the 20 years of work lead to the unfair advantage for that startup. Hard to pay for a family on a 20 yo salary for most though.
- kcplate 2y agoWe had kids younger (very early in our 20s) and while it was difficult financially for a time, I definitely wouldn’t change it. Especially after seeing friends who waited. I think having younger kids in your later 30s and 40s put some hard miles on you.
- yesnomaybe 2y agoI have young kids mid 50s. it's tough, but keeps me young, active and I believe more enjoyable as a person (not that I'm much of that lol). I've spent all my 20s coding and learning and actively decided against relationship, as that would have completely eaten my time and I wouldn't enjoy how that time was spent. If I could choose an age to start having kids, it would be 33. Still enough appetite for other stuff, but also a good amount of desire to procreate.
- kcplate 2y agoI’m late 50s, having kids younger means I now have young grandkids. The nice thing about them is they keep me young and active, but when they smell funny, have snotty noses, or when I’m just tired—-I can hand them back to their parents. The best thing about grandkids, is no one really gets mad when you do the old “pull my finger” trick. You’re an old man and it’s expected of ya.
- luxuryballs 2y agoHeck yes, imagine having 20 year old kids in my 40s instead of 0-5 year olds! If you want to have kids don’t wait around if possible, not only will you have way more energy but all the sooner they will be able to contribute to the household and just in time for your energy to start waning, BUT there’s a much bigger benefit I never noticed before: The biggest gain of all is the extra 10-20 years you may be giving yourself to spend with your kids and grandkids, the opportunity cost is immense, I can’t emphasize this enough.
- smoyer 2y agoI had kids who were in their 20s when in my low 40s and now have a five year old at 60. I am convinced my energy level continues to be good because I'm spending it interacting with her. Last week I even fell off the slide at the playground while playing tag :)
- ViscountPenguin 2y agoHow'd that happen, if you don't mind me asking? Do you have a much younger partner, or are they not your biological child?
- smoyer 2y agoThey are not my biological child - were foster parents with the adoption happening soon.
- ViscountPenguin 2y agoCongrats on the upcoming adoption!
- nextts 2y agoEnergy and health are personal. Age correlation with health is just statisical. I had a 75 year old come and drive miles and fix my air conditioning. Fit as a fiddle.
- 2y ago
- sublinear 2y agoThis is a silly question, and these insecure ruminations were very tedious to read. If people who'd rather have married young write this way, I can only imagine how difficult they'd be to live with. https://youtube.com/watch?v=T5qalNX5G94 https://youtube.com/watch?v=T5qalNX5G94
- mechagodzilla 2y agoI married at 22 and moved to nyc. I lived through meeting peers that thought we were freaks (“you two are definitely gonna get divorced”), to the gradual normalization as we got older and more of our friends married. I knew lots of people that transitioned from young and invincible and definitely never going to get married to dismayed at coming up on 40 and feeling like they hadn’t quite started “real life” yet. I don’t like the article’s depiction of the guy “taking her under his wing” had they gotten married earlier, but I will say that there is something great about sharing your youth with someone unequivocally on your side, if life gives you the opportunity.
- senordevnyc 2y agoI also got married young (21) and moved to SF and then NYC, and got all the same reactions. But then at 38 we did divorce lol
- budududuroiu 2y agoEvery single “experience” brought my an opportunity for growth given the circumstances around said “experience”, where foregoing the “new experience” was, imo, getting stuck. I don’t regret having my experiences, but I would regret if I got married young
- noisy_boy 2y agoGiven the no. of divorces, I think it is better to marry young, only if you have the commitment for marriage of course. Getting married at, say 40, divorced at 42 (let's say without kids) and starting another relationship at 45 meana you'll be over sixty when your child is in college. Thats a lot of responsibility on old shoulders. The same cycle is much more manageable if you get married at, say 26.
- m463 2y agoIf you find the right person when you're older, that's a common thought.
- disambiguation 2y ago> Experience, we hoped, would broaden us. The new object seems to be the inverse: the contraction and refinement of the self, within and against the overwhelming flood of external information with which we are in constant contact. This point really deserves its own article.
- dnel 2y agoI met my wife at 21, married at 32, I was a hard sceptic about marriage in my 20's after seeing my parents divorce in my late teens, they married too early and I didn't want to make that mistake. As it was, our pre-marriage relationship was a period of huge growth for both of us until marriage was a natural progression, by which time we were both very different people but better suited to one another. When we had kids our relationship was strong and it got use through some tough times. It's a long road but it's a more stable one. So no, no regrets.
- hackeraccount 2y agoI wish I had married my wife sooner but I don't think she would have married me. :-). I certainly would have married her. Same thing with kids - I would have liked more sooner but it's a two to tango type thing.