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My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and h

My son had cancer during COVID, though he was fortunate enough to beat it into remission (with the help of a huge care team). I was active duty military, and he is also non-verbal and autistic. The things she talks about, how focused she was and how hard it is to do any of that now, I've been experiencing exactly the same things. I find it hard to do anything, put anything together, etc. after 3 years of managing his care closely, being at his bedside all hours, having to scream at nurses to call away a code because he couldn't breathe (anaphylaxis), and a ton of other things. All of this while working 50+ hours a week, including remotely from his bedside. It's like I burnt out that part of me. Maybe I'm slowly healing? But I don't feel like it. I get minutes or hours when I can hit that stride again and it's absolutely terrifying to realize that I can no longer keep it up. I don't know that this comment adds anything to her story. I just felt like I understood her on a level that's hard to communicate and had the urge to share that.

justforaoneoff 2y ago
COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of energy, love and patience I took for granted again. Which is all to say, I hear you.
- throwcatowayne 2y ago
  Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized in the ER from covid... I remember feeling at the time that my mental gears were breaking and doing permanent damage. Those 6 months felt like such a short time that fundamentally changed me from a cheery person to permanently somber. I quit my job in 2021, physically incapable of continuing and wanting to end it all, thinking if I just make it through each month it'll eventually get better and it never has. It only got worse like the universe kept ratcheting up the difficulty. My abusive partner only got more abusive as I didn't have a job (but paid all our bills) and couldn't muster any energy towards relationship milestones as the abuse and depression crippled me. Years of enduring this only led to now being abandoned and feeling worse than ever, like there is no upside worth the calamitous downsides in life.
  - rpjt 2y ago
    That sounds really rough. Here if you ever want to talk about it. Sorry.
  - jajko 2y ago
    Sorry to hear that, really sorry. One thing I dont get with similar stories - you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight, sucking it up for some real estate opportunity is a sure recipe for disaster and misery and no money gained will ever compensate for that. Thats one of 101 of life, there shouldnt be a need to really walk through it to confirm this. Kids do complicate this massively but you dont mention them. Same for work it seems, working on edge of what you can handle means any little bad thing happening on top can send you over and down the spiral of breakdown. I dont want to bash anybody and its more for others who will one day experience similar things - listen to your body, its telling you tons of things, and not for just fun. Its your best buddy so dont neglect it, there is no replacement and it really gets weaker with age, sooner than you would like. I see a lot of high performers ending up similarly - very narrow focus on one brilliance ie work, but deep neglect of the rest. Never a nice story at the end. Nobody will be happy when dying from how much they worked or which investments worked out. If one really has to, set clear short term goals for when to stop it and have a bit of discipline (ie dont get used to better lifestyle that more money brings requiring you to continue).
    - raziel2p 2y ago
      You will hear success stories of those who got out and made themselves better. You won't hear the numerous stories of those who broke up, realized they're hyperdependent on a romantic relationship and don't have the strength to do without - or those who break up but end up with another abusive partner. I doubt there is good statistics or research on this, but anecdotally, it doesn't seem uncommon. You also mention "neglect of rest", and in relationships you might also say neglect of the self - but often it's not explicit neglect, instead it's not even being used to or knowing how to recognize or fulfil those needs. As an example, after my tinnitus got worse, rest is simply so hard to achieve that it doesn't matter if I make it my top priority. People saying I need to rest more obviously annoys me, and claiming I'm neglecting rest would be borderline disrespectful. Not comparing tinnitus and workaholism, just making a general statement about the use of "neglect" here.
- dwaltrip 2y ago
  I've had some rough years recently as well. I'm slowly healing and learning how to live a new life. A life that I like. But it's been really fucking hard. This wasn't in the manual. I hear you both (and anyone lurking :). Much love to you all.
- Andrex 2y ago
  Shit is this everybody? I feel like I'm constantly mourning who I used to be, like it was a different person entirely and there's no getting that level of empathy or patience back again.
  - cyberpunk 2y ago
    I’m still working on it, not as extreme as some of these cases here it feels quite embarrassing to admit how much I mourn for my old life (changed country, became a father, zero social circle etc). Zen practice and fitness have made an astronomically large improvement for me, but I guess everyone has to find that which helps them accept their current situation.
  - plumefar 2y ago
    I had the same reaction. I’m half the person I used to used to be, after a painful burnout. And it’s not even close as painful as what the OP experienced. So many of my friends went through some very hard time that I stopped counting. So yes, is this everybody?
  - OhioMan2943 2y ago
    I think economic factors and the health of society at large are one of the largest parts of this. I'm young and didn't get to grow up in an innocent time, and anyone older than me seems worse off. The only way I think I can make things work is to make drastic life choices like relocation, and live pretty alternative lifestyles like off grid for economic security. I'm always wondering where the interesting people went, but maybe they became just like everyone else.
    - rixed 2y ago
      I believe you are right about the larger factors shaping the individual experience. And since you mention that you are young, just to let you know: when "celebrating" the latest new years eve, all guests present (40 to 50yo) agreed that the main source of hope for the near future was the early disillusionment of younger generations. More power to you! :)
- biofox 2y ago
  I just want to add my voice to say that my life completely disintegrated a few years ago. I lost almost everything, including my partner of over a decade, and reached a point where I didn't even have the motivation to wash or feed myself... because, what was the point? I was expending energy just to continue a pointless, joyless, struggle. Battered husk is the best description I can think of for how I felt. It took a while, but I was extremely lucky to find the right combination of therapy, SSRIs, and life changes to drag myself out of the hole. I now have a stable job doing something that sparks my interests and makes a meaningful contribution, and my love of life has returned. I still have the occasional day where it feels like I start to backslide, but they are getting rarer. I want to reassure anyone who feels tired, burnt-out, and hopeless, that things can and do get better.
- stef25 2y ago
  Similar here. Covid happened, lost my relationship of 15 years, had a total mental breakdown, lost my job, lost 20Kg, substance abuse, spent all my savings, struggle to pay bills. Lost my dad 2 months ago. Unemployed for a year now. I'll never be able to get back to where I was professionally. Feel dumb, confused and my memory sucks. Three shitty ass years. Medicated. Slowly starting to see some light. My two young kids get me through this, they are with me every other week and give purpose to my life, they are best thing ever. I hear you too. Don't be scared to ask for professional help. Meds can make a difference. Seeing people's testimonials made me feel better so I thought I'd post mine.
  - Projectiboga 2y ago
    Try and get sunlight on your retina 20 min 3 days a week. It can be through your eyelids but not through glass or glasses. That vitamin C and one of the B vitamins all help load the pathways to make serotonin. It won't magically fix your life but it can also help bootstrap your outlook. It can be grounding to watch the sun shift over the seasons. Best wishes.
- nyarlathotep_ 2y ago
  Something you're never told when you're young is that life WILL take things from you, will never return them, and you'll never be the same. You don't know how much, when, how or why, but it will happen. I consider someone blessed if they make it to middle-age largely "intact." When you're young and unencumbered and largely undamaged you need to use that time in any way you can; inevitably you'll end up "walking wounded" one way or another--less than you were--unable to return to who you were before whatever(s) happened. When I was young I'd encounter older men that struck me as "defeated", tired, incurious, dismissive, and I'd never understood why until the last ~half decade or so of my life. I really think human "life" and vitality is something that does get "spent", often against your will.
  - sapphicsnail 2y ago
    I don't want to invalidate your feelings but I've had the opposite experience. I've been chronically depressed and have had multiple stays in psych wards but I'm finally starting to heal. I'm able to experience this pure joy that I haven't felt since I was a little kid. My life is still very difficult but I haven't felt this alive since elementary school.
    - mattgreenrocks 2y ago
      Both can be true. I have been integrating a lot of different sides of myself and the long work of therapy is finally starting to coalesce into a real results. But, also, a part of me died during our attempts to have another kid. At some point it just broke me in that dimension. I have doubts that it can be fully healed. It is grief, and it demands space and an outlet sometimes. And it hurts from time to time. It's no longer debilitating, but it is still there.
yard2010 2y ago
I think it's obvious. Everyone should treat anyone with empathy respect patience understanding and love. Most of all love. That level of understanding between you and her should be universally shared between everything that is living. This way, support can always be found. I wish you and your family all the best. The same goes for Bess, as I told her many times. I wish I could give you a hug, make you feel protected and capable, as the hero that you are.
irjustin 2y ago
I know nothing of the difficulties you nor the OP face, but > It's like I burnt out that part of me. Maybe I'm slowly healing? But I don't feel like it. You've probably heard it, but maybe to help remind, I just wanted to say - It's okay to be burnt out and do little or nothing. I believe it's the minimum requirement to healing and it _will_ take years maybe even a decade. I was cheated on and that affected me for 2 years and that's trivial to the road you walk.
- CobaltFire 2y ago
  I was fortunate enough to be in a place where I could "retire" the month after he rang the bell. I've been doing my own thing for close to two years now, trying to heal. Maybe I will someday. Until then, I somehow manage to keep up with his (still elevated) needs and try to be a good husband and father to my other child.
scrollop 2y ago
re your son, have you listened to https://thetelepathytapes.com/ https://thetelepathytapes.com/
ErigmolCt 2y ago
The sheer intensity of being in constant survival mode for someone you love, especially in such high-stakes moments, doesn't just fade once the crisis is over. It leaves something behind, or maybe takes something away. I don't know if healing looks like "going back to who we were" or if it's more about figuring out who we are now, with everything we've carried
- bitexploder 2y ago
  It is also important to realize that the past does not exist, not really. You get to decide, every day, who you are. It is the simplest and hardest thing.
  - ErigmolCt 2y ago
    I think we do get to decide, but the weight of what we've lived through shapes those decisions in ways we don't always see
wwilim 2y ago
I like to explain this state to people by saying that my circuit breakers popped.
- jwx48 2y ago
  Good one. I’m going to add that to my list of metaphors and analogies. Some people just don’t understand the experience, and this seems helpful.
throwaway356356 2y ago
Throwaway: when my daughter was 4, she took a bath. My wife was in the living room doing laundry, literally 5 steps away. At that point, my daughter had just finished swimming class 3 months before. I was at work. When she called "mum!", my wife said: "Coming" and folded one final shirt. When she then entered the bathroom, my daughter floated in the tub, face down. No breathing, no sign of life anymore. My wife revived here on the floor of our living room while calling 911 and crying for help. She had a simple fever cramp (her second) in the tub and nearly drowned because of it. This was roughly a year ago. I remember walking out of the building at work in trance, looking for a cab, after I got the call, thinking my daughter was dead. She was back to normal (apart from the nasty infection that lead to the fever cramp) on the next day. Buy my wife and I have never been the same since. I entered the apartment 2 days later, and the tub was still filled with water and some of my daughters hair, and there was blood on the living room floor because the medics gave her sedatives and she kicked against the syringe. While cleaning my daughter's blood from the floor, I got the distinct feeling that she really died and that I was just in a very long dream in which she survived, and that I would wake up very soon to a world of sorrow. That feeling has never left me. It may explain why most things now feel completely irrelevant to me, including work. We quickly bought a house 6 months later and left the apartment. I now realize that this was mostly motivated by the fact that we couldn't stand the look of the bathtub anymore. It was also because we simply weren't afraid anymore of the debt, of the additional work, of moving. Fear is something that only remains a numb feeling after such an experience. She is 5 now. The worst part is that she fully remembers. A few weeks ago, she freely and cheerfully explained in daycare that she once was bathing and then cried "mum" and then "fell asleep under water". At dinner a few months ago, she also explained that to us and then laughed and mentioned that "mum must've thought I am a mermaid" and happily continued eating. It crushes me just thinking of it. If my wife had folded 2 or 3 shirts before entering the bathroom, my daughter would be dead now. If my daughter hadn't yelled "mum!" the second the fever cramp started, of if she would've yelled it under water, she would also be dead now. In this probabilistic decision tree, the leaf where my daughter survives has a probability that is negligibly small. To my very great surprise, I have found that this inevitably leads to religion. I have never been religious before, but I have indeed found great relief in prayer and sitting around in empty churches. Life to us is now nothing but walking on a thin crust of ice, which spans over an infinite hell of fire, horror and torture. At any time, without warning, the ice may break.
spasibanan 2y ago
[flagged]
bitexploder 2y ago
It’s called depression and when it happens because of a situation in your life that you have limited control over it can be very difficult to recover. Get professional help if you haven’t. It is hard. Been there.
- soulofmischief 2y ago
  What eventually pulled you out of it? Was it a long journey, or one or more specific events?
  - bitexploder 2y ago
    Time. Focused effort. For me my happiness set point is decent. It takes work to get out of the hole though. No one thing. Exercise. Diet. Forcing myself to do things I know I enjoy. It can feel hollow, but it comes back. Lots of meditation, stoicism, cognitive behavioral therapy. Recognize the negative thought pattern loops early, combatting them, reminding yourself what they are.
YinglingHeavy 2y ago
The best is yet to come. My son is non verbal, non mobile. We live the life of the Servant. We used to define ourselves by our profession, now we define ourselves as "special needs parent". This is a step closer to actually being more human. How trivial our lives were before, how we wasted so many hours on shit that didn't matter!
- trentnix 2y ago
  God bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
jcims 2y ago
My wife died of ovarian cancer in February of 2020, right as covid started. It felt like I was running on adrenaline and cortisol for two years. Scrambling to find anything to help, steadily applying the steel tip of my proverbial boot to the backside of the healthcare industry, doing home IVs, changing ostomy bags, making sure meds were straight, trying to gently urge her to eat something at all, deep diving into the pits and snares of clinical trials, looking at adjunct therapies and arguing with doctors about our right to do those, growing to an ambient, everpresent rage over time. When she passed, it all went silent, and then the world shut down. I still feel like my brain has changed. It's difficult to put my finger on how. In retrospect a lot of the time I spent trying to find options and understand the disease and its treatment would have been much better spent tending to the emotional needs of my family. I should have accepted much earlier that it was over and just prepared for that inevitability rather than clawing and scratching for options right until the end. I just didn't know how to do it.
- verelo 2y ago
  I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few exceptions, loss of a child, partner or critical illness. I’m not sure what comes next but really hope that energy and happiness finds its way back to you with time.
  - dingnuts 2y ago
    >Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it's also hearsay -- you're a stranger on the internet, so you want me to believe based on a stranger's colleague's wife's alleged research, that depression cannot be effectively treated? If you want to share that researcher's work, provide a link. Keep your rumors, suppositions, and lay-person's doomer psychology to yourself, unless you are planning to make a post with direct citations that is in effect nothing like the comment you did leave. People's lives depend on this. You can't just post "if you have depression you'll never be able to change it" cavalierly as though you are an expert and your post has no consequences. Someone is going to read your supposition, your rumor, believe it, and despair.
wvlia5 2y ago
I think it has to do with low self-esteem. You used to be a superhero. And you still are. Remember who you are. You were drowned in frustration. But now you acknowledge the reality of the present situation, it's time to execute the new accomplishments that will prove your greatness.
froh 2y ago
thank you for sharing. what you describe is akin to what other survivors of utter helplessness describe. usually we think of "trauma" as surviving naked angst, fear for our life or health, uncontrollable horrific events. and that's also in classic medical definitions. but we're slowly learning how many existential crises of utter helplessness, also proxy-helplessness for a dear loved one, can put our brains into a out-of-place state. If that resonates somehow, the good news is that there are exercises, guided approaches to help the brain reconfigure back into the original state of empowerment and optimism. "Somatic experiencing" is one of them, emdr another one (in the hands of an experienced and trained trauma certified clinician), and there are some more. long story short: there are paths forward. I apologize if I overshared, hth.

justforaoneoff 2y ago

COVID coincided with my daughter being born, my parents dying unexpectedly and my partner having complete mental breakdown all while I was working a very stressful job with long hours and high stakes. Years have passed and I still feel like the battered husk of the person I was. I have good days and bad days but I'm slowly coming to accept I won't ever feel the confidence, the capability or the boundless reserves of energy, love and patience I took for granted again. Which is all to say, I hear you.

throwcatowayne 2y ago
Jeez, this resonates with me so much. In 2019 I was constantly on the upswing. But in 2020, it's been an intensely downward spiral since. I was under so much stress from a 60hr/wk job, isolated during covid with a partner who turned physically abusive and having constant mental breakdowns, on top of trying to endure it all for a once in a lifetime housing opportunity, and then both of my parents ended up hospitalized in the ER from covid... I remember feeling at the time that my mental gears were breaking and doing permanent damage. Those 6 months felt like such a short time that fundamentally changed me from a cheery person to permanently somber. I quit my job in 2021, physically incapable of continuing and wanting to end it all, thinking if I just make it through each month it'll eventually get better and it never has. It only got worse like the universe kept ratcheting up the difficulty. My abusive partner only got more abusive as I didn't have a job (but paid all our bills) and couldn't muster any energy towards relationship milestones as the abuse and depression crippled me. Years of enduring this only led to now being abandoned and feeling worse than ever, like there is no upside worth the calamitous downsides in life.
- rpjt 2y ago
  That sounds really rough. Here if you ever want to talk about it. Sorry.
- jajko 2y ago
  Sorry to hear that, really sorry. One thing I dont get with similar stories - you felt things are seemingly going to shit in relationship yet no reaction, no quitting but maybe even double down? Abusive people will be abusive with no easy fix in sight, sucking it up for some real estate opportunity is a sure recipe for disaster and misery and no money gained will ever compensate for that. Thats one of 101 of life, there shouldnt be a need to really walk through it to confirm this. Kids do complicate this massively but you dont mention them. Same for work it seems, working on edge of what you can handle means any little bad thing happening on top can send you over and down the spiral of breakdown. I dont want to bash anybody and its more for others who will one day experience similar things - listen to your body, its telling you tons of things, and not for just fun. Its your best buddy so dont neglect it, there is no replacement and it really gets weaker with age, sooner than you would like. I see a lot of high performers ending up similarly - very narrow focus on one brilliance ie work, but deep neglect of the rest. Never a nice story at the end. Nobody will be happy when dying from how much they worked or which investments worked out. If one really has to, set clear short term goals for when to stop it and have a bit of discipline (ie dont get used to better lifestyle that more money brings requiring you to continue).
  - raziel2p 2y ago
    You will hear success stories of those who got out and made themselves better. You won't hear the numerous stories of those who broke up, realized they're hyperdependent on a romantic relationship and don't have the strength to do without - or those who break up but end up with another abusive partner. I doubt there is good statistics or research on this, but anecdotally, it doesn't seem uncommon. You also mention "neglect of rest", and in relationships you might also say neglect of the self - but often it's not explicit neglect, instead it's not even being used to or knowing how to recognize or fulfil those needs. As an example, after my tinnitus got worse, rest is simply so hard to achieve that it doesn't matter if I make it my top priority. People saying I need to rest more obviously annoys me, and claiming I'm neglecting rest would be borderline disrespectful. Not comparing tinnitus and workaholism, just making a general statement about the use of "neglect" here.
dwaltrip 2y ago
I've had some rough years recently as well. I'm slowly healing and learning how to live a new life. A life that I like. But it's been really fucking hard. This wasn't in the manual. I hear you both (and anyone lurking :). Much love to you all.
Andrex 2y ago
Shit is this everybody? I feel like I'm constantly mourning who I used to be, like it was a different person entirely and there's no getting that level of empathy or patience back again.
- cyberpunk 2y ago
  I’m still working on it, not as extreme as some of these cases here it feels quite embarrassing to admit how much I mourn for my old life (changed country, became a father, zero social circle etc). Zen practice and fitness have made an astronomically large improvement for me, but I guess everyone has to find that which helps them accept their current situation.
- plumefar 2y ago
  I had the same reaction. I’m half the person I used to used to be, after a painful burnout. And it’s not even close as painful as what the OP experienced. So many of my friends went through some very hard time that I stopped counting. So yes, is this everybody?
- OhioMan2943 2y ago
  I think economic factors and the health of society at large are one of the largest parts of this. I'm young and didn't get to grow up in an innocent time, and anyone older than me seems worse off. The only way I think I can make things work is to make drastic life choices like relocation, and live pretty alternative lifestyles like off grid for economic security. I'm always wondering where the interesting people went, but maybe they became just like everyone else.
  - rixed 2y ago
    I believe you are right about the larger factors shaping the individual experience. And since you mention that you are young, just to let you know: when "celebrating" the latest new years eve, all guests present (40 to 50yo) agreed that the main source of hope for the near future was the early disillusionment of younger generations. More power to you! :)
biofox 2y ago
I just want to add my voice to say that my life completely disintegrated a few years ago. I lost almost everything, including my partner of over a decade, and reached a point where I didn't even have the motivation to wash or feed myself... because, what was the point? I was expending energy just to continue a pointless, joyless, struggle. Battered husk is the best description I can think of for how I felt. It took a while, but I was extremely lucky to find the right combination of therapy, SSRIs, and life changes to drag myself out of the hole. I now have a stable job doing something that sparks my interests and makes a meaningful contribution, and my love of life has returned. I still have the occasional day where it feels like I start to backslide, but they are getting rarer. I want to reassure anyone who feels tired, burnt-out, and hopeless, that things can and do get better.
stef25 2y ago
Similar here. Covid happened, lost my relationship of 15 years, had a total mental breakdown, lost my job, lost 20Kg, substance abuse, spent all my savings, struggle to pay bills. Lost my dad 2 months ago. Unemployed for a year now. I'll never be able to get back to where I was professionally. Feel dumb, confused and my memory sucks. Three shitty ass years. Medicated. Slowly starting to see some light. My two young kids get me through this, they are with me every other week and give purpose to my life, they are best thing ever. I hear you too. Don't be scared to ask for professional help. Meds can make a difference. Seeing people's testimonials made me feel better so I thought I'd post mine.
- Projectiboga 2y ago
  Try and get sunlight on your retina 20 min 3 days a week. It can be through your eyelids but not through glass or glasses. That vitamin C and one of the B vitamins all help load the pathways to make serotonin. It won't magically fix your life but it can also help bootstrap your outlook. It can be grounding to watch the sun shift over the seasons. Best wishes.
nyarlathotep_ 2y ago
Something you're never told when you're young is that life WILL take things from you, will never return them, and you'll never be the same. You don't know how much, when, how or why, but it will happen. I consider someone blessed if they make it to middle-age largely "intact." When you're young and unencumbered and largely undamaged you need to use that time in any way you can; inevitably you'll end up "walking wounded" one way or another--less than you were--unable to return to who you were before whatever(s) happened. When I was young I'd encounter older men that struck me as "defeated", tired, incurious, dismissive, and I'd never understood why until the last ~half decade or so of my life. I really think human "life" and vitality is something that does get "spent", often against your will.
- sapphicsnail 2y ago
  I don't want to invalidate your feelings but I've had the opposite experience. I've been chronically depressed and have had multiple stays in psych wards but I'm finally starting to heal. I'm able to experience this pure joy that I haven't felt since I was a little kid. My life is still very difficult but I haven't felt this alive since elementary school.
  - mattgreenrocks 2y ago
    Both can be true. I have been integrating a lot of different sides of myself and the long work of therapy is finally starting to coalesce into a real results. But, also, a part of me died during our attempts to have another kid. At some point it just broke me in that dimension. I have doubts that it can be fully healed. It is grief, and it demands space and an outlet sometimes. And it hurts from time to time. It's no longer debilitating, but it is still there.

yard2010 2y ago

I think it's obvious. Everyone should treat anyone with empathy respect patience understanding and love. Most of all love. That level of understanding between you and her should be universally shared between everything that is living. This way, support can always be found. I wish you and your family all the best. The same goes for Bess, as I told her many times. I wish I could give you a hug, make you feel protected and capable, as the hero that you are.

irjustin 2y ago

I know nothing of the difficulties you nor the OP face, but > It's like I burnt out that part of me. Maybe I'm slowly healing? But I don't feel like it. You've probably heard it, but maybe to help remind, I just wanted to say - It's okay to be burnt out and do little or nothing. I believe it's the minimum requirement to healing and it _will_ take years maybe even a decade. I was cheated on and that affected me for 2 years and that's trivial to the road you walk.

CobaltFire 2y ago
I was fortunate enough to be in a place where I could "retire" the month after he rang the bell. I've been doing my own thing for close to two years now, trying to heal. Maybe I will someday. Until then, I somehow manage to keep up with his (still elevated) needs and try to be a good husband and father to my other child.

scrollop 2y ago

re your son, have you listened to https://thetelepathytapes.com/ https://thetelepathytapes.com/

ErigmolCt 2y ago

The sheer intensity of being in constant survival mode for someone you love, especially in such high-stakes moments, doesn't just fade once the crisis is over. It leaves something behind, or maybe takes something away. I don't know if healing looks like "going back to who we were" or if it's more about figuring out who we are now, with everything we've carried

bitexploder 2y ago
It is also important to realize that the past does not exist, not really. You get to decide, every day, who you are. It is the simplest and hardest thing.
- ErigmolCt 2y ago
  I think we do get to decide, but the weight of what we've lived through shapes those decisions in ways we don't always see

wwilim 2y ago

I like to explain this state to people by saying that my circuit breakers popped.

jwx48 2y ago
Good one. I’m going to add that to my list of metaphors and analogies. Some people just don’t understand the experience, and this seems helpful.

throwaway356356 2y ago

Throwaway: when my daughter was 4, she took a bath. My wife was in the living room doing laundry, literally 5 steps away. At that point, my daughter had just finished swimming class 3 months before. I was at work. When she called "mum!", my wife said: "Coming" and folded one final shirt. When she then entered the bathroom, my daughter floated in the tub, face down. No breathing, no sign of life anymore. My wife revived here on the floor of our living room while calling 911 and crying for help. She had a simple fever cramp (her second) in the tub and nearly drowned because of it. This was roughly a year ago. I remember walking out of the building at work in trance, looking for a cab, after I got the call, thinking my daughter was dead. She was back to normal (apart from the nasty infection that lead to the fever cramp) on the next day. Buy my wife and I have never been the same since. I entered the apartment 2 days later, and the tub was still filled with water and some of my daughters hair, and there was blood on the living room floor because the medics gave her sedatives and she kicked against the syringe. While cleaning my daughter's blood from the floor, I got the distinct feeling that she really died and that I was just in a very long dream in which she survived, and that I would wake up very soon to a world of sorrow. That feeling has never left me. It may explain why most things now feel completely irrelevant to me, including work. We quickly bought a house 6 months later and left the apartment. I now realize that this was mostly motivated by the fact that we couldn't stand the look of the bathtub anymore. It was also because we simply weren't afraid anymore of the debt, of the additional work, of moving. Fear is something that only remains a numb feeling after such an experience. She is 5 now. The worst part is that she fully remembers. A few weeks ago, she freely and cheerfully explained in daycare that she once was bathing and then cried "mum" and then "fell asleep under water". At dinner a few months ago, she also explained that to us and then laughed and mentioned that "mum must've thought I am a mermaid" and happily continued eating. It crushes me just thinking of it. If my wife had folded 2 or 3 shirts before entering the bathroom, my daughter would be dead now. If my daughter hadn't yelled "mum!" the second the fever cramp started, of if she would've yelled it under water, she would also be dead now. In this probabilistic decision tree, the leaf where my daughter survives has a probability that is negligibly small. To my very great surprise, I have found that this inevitably leads to religion. I have never been religious before, but I have indeed found great relief in prayer and sitting around in empty churches. Life to us is now nothing but walking on a thin crust of ice, which spans over an infinite hell of fire, horror and torture. At any time, without warning, the ice may break.

spasibanan 2y ago

[flagged]

bitexploder 2y ago

It’s called depression and when it happens because of a situation in your life that you have limited control over it can be very difficult to recover. Get professional help if you haven’t. It is hard. Been there.

soulofmischief 2y ago
What eventually pulled you out of it? Was it a long journey, or one or more specific events?
- bitexploder 2y ago
  Time. Focused effort. For me my happiness set point is decent. It takes work to get out of the hole though. No one thing. Exercise. Diet. Forcing myself to do things I know I enjoy. It can feel hollow, but it comes back. Lots of meditation, stoicism, cognitive behavioral therapy. Recognize the negative thought pattern loops early, combatting them, reminding yourself what they are.

YinglingHeavy 2y ago

The best is yet to come. My son is non verbal, non mobile. We live the life of the Servant. We used to define ourselves by our profession, now we define ourselves as "special needs parent". This is a step closer to actually being more human. How trivial our lives were before, how we wasted so many hours on shit that didn't matter!

trentnix 2y ago
God bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.

jcims 2y ago

My wife died of ovarian cancer in February of 2020, right as covid started. It felt like I was running on adrenaline and cortisol for two years. Scrambling to find anything to help, steadily applying the steel tip of my proverbial boot to the backside of the healthcare industry, doing home IVs, changing ostomy bags, making sure meds were straight, trying to gently urge her to eat something at all, deep diving into the pits and snares of clinical trials, looking at adjunct therapies and arguing with doctors about our right to do those, growing to an ambient, everpresent rage over time. When she passed, it all went silent, and then the world shut down. I still feel like my brain has changed. It's difficult to put my finger on how. In retrospect a lot of the time I spent trying to find options and understand the disease and its treatment would have been much better spent tending to the emotional needs of my family. I should have accepted much earlier that it was over and just prepared for that inevitability rather than clawing and scratching for options right until the end. I just didn't know how to do it.

verelo 2y ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. Something did change, and i think it’s good you feel that. Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. There were a few exceptions, loss of a child, partner or critical illness. I’m not sure what comes next but really hope that energy and happiness finds its way back to you with time.
- dingnuts 2y ago
  >Someone I used to work with, their wife was a professor at Rochester university and her research was around happiness. She would tell me that our baseline happiness in life is virtually constant (on large timescales, we all have good/bad days etc), there’s not much we can do to alter it in adulthood to shift it. If you're someone who struggles with chronic depression this statement is extremely demoralizing. But it's also hearsay -- you're a stranger on the internet, so you want me to believe based on a stranger's colleague's wife's alleged research, that depression cannot be effectively treated? If you want to share that researcher's work, provide a link. Keep your rumors, suppositions, and lay-person's doomer psychology to yourself, unless you are planning to make a post with direct citations that is in effect nothing like the comment you did leave. People's lives depend on this. You can't just post "if you have depression you'll never be able to change it" cavalierly as though you are an expert and your post has no consequences. Someone is going to read your supposition, your rumor, believe it, and despair.

wvlia5 2y ago

I think it has to do with low self-esteem. You used to be a superhero. And you still are. Remember who you are. You were drowned in frustration. But now you acknowledge the reality of the present situation, it's time to execute the new accomplishments that will prove your greatness.

froh 2y ago

thank you for sharing. what you describe is akin to what other survivors of utter helplessness describe. usually we think of "trauma" as surviving naked angst, fear for our life or health, uncontrollable horrific events. and that's also in classic medical definitions. but we're slowly learning how many existential crises of utter helplessness, also proxy-helplessness for a dear loved one, can put our brains into a out-of-place state. If that resonates somehow, the good news is that there are exercises, guided approaches to help the brain reconfigure back into the original state of empowerment and optimism. "Somatic experiencing" is one of them, emdr another one (in the hands of an experienced and trained trauma certified clinician), and there are some more. long story short: there are paths forward. I apologize if I overshared, hth.