11 ms·

Why making friends as an adult is harder

190 points by rzk 2y ago

JoeAltmaier 2y ago
It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship avenues are still there.
- ghaff 2y ago
  For me, over time, it's been primarily common outdoor interests. Though it doesn't have to be outdoor interests specifically.
- someothherguyy 2y ago
  Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.
  - taneq 2y ago
    I don't think that's exactly what they were saying. I read it more like "people who divide life into work-that-you-should-pour-your-energy-into and recovery-where-you-try-not-to-spend-energy", and that maybe we should pour less of our energy into work and use that energy for socialising (which can result in an overall net energy gain).
    - someothherguyy 2y ago
      You have more generous eyes than my best, but saying things like, get off your butt, stop binging, and its that easy, is pretty analogous to common discourse where the blame is placed on motivation alone.
  - throw646577 2y ago
    There are obviously some adults who have severe limitations on their ability to socialise and nobody is implying they are lazy. But a wider social scene I have been part of has people with evident learning difficulties, people with obvious neurodivergence, people with physical disabilities. If you show up and show interest in sharing a common goal with a large enough circle of people, then those people will find you a way to participate at your own speed. If you have a way to show up for social activities, or assistance to show up, you could show up, you have a desire to show up, and you don't show up... some of that really is laziness at worst and avoidance at best.
  - Drew_ 2y ago
    Their comment is on a specific kind of person ("those that treat life as 'working and slacking'"), not all people.
- BoingBoomTschak 2y ago
  > Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works. But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.
  - f1shy 2y ago
    That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe with luck I make 1 friend out of it. I’ve done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church, fathers of my friends… that resulted in a say 1% friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them! Was I the only one who got a manic hanging every day at my door? I had many experiences where people I didn’t want to be around would stick to me in a stalker way…
    - someothherguyy 2y ago
      And those "manics" are excluded as well, while just showing up, trying to make friends. The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. They devolve into self-help for the masses. Human relationships are complex, and there is no easy path to true friendship.
      - throw646577 2y ago
        > The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. The solution I identify in my comments does not fly in the face of reality, because it is how I went from being crushingly lonely and weird in my early 30s to having the kind of friends who (just today) said "are you really doing Christmas by yourself? Fly out to <another country> and come to us, you'd be very welcome", and they absolutely mean it. I'm still someone who lives solo and the covid lockdowns were a difficult, lonely time. But I have friends because I found myself introduced to an event on the fringes of a much bigger social scene, and I decided to turn up more and take an active part in it. You find a thing that is bigger than yourself, whatever it is, you show interest, and you keep turning up. It's not solutionism: it's how friendship starts, for most people. You offer or accept help. You share a task that needs doing. You share an activity that is fun. You expand your personal circle to a dog, and they expand your circle to the owners of other dogs. Whatever. Of course humans are all different, but essentially all the adults at a grown up social group, community project, activism event, regular club, dog park, have something in common: they are adults who want friendship. That may well be the only thing they have in common apart from their interest in some shared endeavour.
activeradio 2y ago
yeah i guess you develop preferences. but it's still possible. all about putting in the time around common interests
wkirby 2y ago
I made my first new friend in years simply by… asking. Struck up a conversation with a guy in line for coffee, on my way out of the cafe went up, gave him my number, said I was looking to make new friends. The world is more like the playground than you might think. Just ask if someone wants to be friends. They probably do.
- mettamage 2y ago
  That's wise. I see the playground you're talking about. This comment will help me. I used to talk to people in line, despite being a bit shy and sometimes socially anxious. My shyness and anxiety can take a hike. I feel upset enough to block them out.
- yosito 2y ago
  I'm 37. Any time I strike up a conversation with someone new who seems like an interesting person, I end the conversation by asking to exchange contacts. In the context I live in, that usually means scanning a WhatsApp QR code, or asking for an Instagram or Telegram ID. Then I invite them to the next suitable thing I want to do. I make 3-5 new friends a week this way. Of course, not all of them become close, reliable friends, but I'm never alone, and the ones I click most with become closer friends over time.
  - wkirby 2y ago
    I’m 36 and my new daughter (8 months) has helped me come out of my shell. It’s given me something to connect with other people about.
- pavel_lishin 2y ago
  One thing that can help people do this is to realize that not everyone will actually become a friend. I've done similar things - only to later realize that, nah, we don't really click. And then we drift apart, and never see each other again. And that's fine! But the friends I have made and kept have been worth it.
hashishen 2y ago
Begging the author to volunteer in their community at the very least
- OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago
  The author of the article? Doesn't sound like she is trying to make friends. Comes off as an assignment where she polled a bunch of people and added some text around their replies.
irrational 2y ago
I have a few board game groups I belong to. We occasionally also do things outside of board games. So, for me it was finding a common interest. Another factor, for me, is being married. My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc.
- bossyTeacher 2y ago
  > My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc. The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that they might end remaining your wife's friends as opposed to your friends. Especially if you only see each other in the context of "my wife's friend". It is a very common pattern. And then if you ever break up with your wife, she is gone and so are her friends. Learning to make friends on your own is a valuable skill.
  - taneq 2y ago
    Eh, some of my good friends were boyfriend-of-my-girlfriend's-girlfriend and while both girlfriends are long gone, we stay in touch.
    - bossyTeacher 2y ago
      great news but that is not always the case. And betting your social network on it seems ill-advised
  - irrational 2y ago
    Did you miss the whole first paragraph?
iambateman 2y ago
I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.
- bossyTeacher 2y ago
  >In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult. I think it is more that you made friends with people that already lived near you (ie the kids going to your school). As adults, the only people that match a similar profile are your work colleagues but adults tend be more closed off to making friends. In some cultures, it is still easy but north european cultures seem to make it so that when you reach some age you close off to new people.
- diggan 2y ago
  > I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's the majority. Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I cannot go outside without people around me and there are constant regular events being done. I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were not really alone unless you were out in the forest. Even that place regularly had events organized by people. Besides, I'm guessing most people in the world live in or close to metropolitan areas, and there certainly there isn't any problem of "live so far from one another", but maybe the opposite problem.
  - norir 2y ago
    Yes and you aren't necessarily going to be friends with all of those people around you. The challenge is not being near just anyone but rather being near a group of people with significant overlap in values and interests. I live in one of the highest density cities in the US but I still have very few friends who live within a twenty minute walk and I frequently have to commute an hour each way to social gatherings.
    - 2y ago
a1o 2y ago
This is the first time I heard of Dupe photos: https://dupephotos.com/ https://dupephotos.com/ , they look more amateur but feel more human.
- neom 2y ago
  I couldn't understand why you were talking about this, I actually thought your account was hacked, but I see now all the photos in the article are provided by them. Clicked through and spent some time there, an interesting community, it seems like people's random "decent enough" photos, kinda a good idea imo. If I want random stock these days I typically use AI, but this would save me having to think up a prompt and then do 15 minutes of prompt engineering. I like it!
  - a1o 2y ago
    Yeah, I was quite happy it wasn't AI. Glad I wasn't alone. Merry Christmas. :)
prhn 2y ago
I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play sports. It doesn't matter if you're athletic or talented. You just gotta show up and see the same people every week over and over. If you're a reasonably well adjusted person (and even that sometimes doesn't matter) you will make friends. Again, making connections and friends is easy. Being around the same people regularly is difficult. Solve that problem and the friendships will come with little effort. I have found that people generally understand the value of friendship and are welcoming to newcomers. It's been a very refreshing surprise as I've gotten older. Get out there!
- PittleyDunkin 2y ago
  > Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?
  - henry2023 2y ago
    Climbing gyms
    - dgfitz 2y ago
      Rarely have I met someone at a climbing gym who was a jerk. This is solid advice.
  - idontwantthis 2y ago
    > imagining enjoying Try it and find out if you really don’t like it. Maybe you’ll hear about something else you will like more.
vouaobrasil 2y ago
Children have it easy because they are made to go to school. It's simple forced proximity. Adults often had it easier in the past because people needed each other more, and that placed them together. But advancing technology takes that away. People need each other less and less with each passing day because we are too self-sufficient with technology. AI is the final step that will make friendships very hard to form indeed.
billy99k 2y ago
I made lots of friends (and eventually my wife and best man at my wedding) in my early 30s by first joining a meetup group and eventually becoming the organizer for it. It was disbanded a few years ago (before Covid), but I still hang out with the 13 or so people I met in the group. The group lasted almost 8 years. I had work friends in my 20s, but it was always difficult for me to make new friends after college. Joining a common-interest meetup group made it so much easier. I find the key is to meet weekly and in-person. If you don't do this, you just won't be able to put the time in to actually have a real friend. It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids. My daughter will go up to another kid and say "Do you want to be my friend?" and they will play all day together.
- meiraleal 2y ago
  > It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids. It is easy. Only need to make it your full-time job, like it is for kids.
  - pfannkuchen 2y ago
    With the caveat that you need to be in a setting where the other “kids” are doing it full time too. If that were the case, I do think it would be easy. Interesting insight.
    - meiraleal 2y ago
      That's the travelers/digital nomads community. Moving to touristic towns was my "lifehack" to make new friends easily.
brightball 2y ago
I really committed myself to solving this for myself a few years back. It does take commitment. A few things I’ve done that work: 1. Start a “Dad’s night” with people in my neighborhood. We picked Wednesday night from 9 - 10pm. Started out just as BYOB in my back yard. Eventually we periodically went to a local pub that was near the neighborhood. When you have kids of a certain age, it’s inconsiderate to bail on your wife while the kids are still awake. The hard time limit keeps it easy for anybody during the work week. Doing it mid week keeps weekend plans from getting in the way. Lots of dads were thrilled to have this. The trick is consistent scheduling even if you have some weeks with no shows. That’s why starting it in my back yard was easiest until we regularly had about 8 people showing up. Doesn’t put you out if nobody can make it. Don’t get your feelings hurt because things like this start slow. Covid killed it, but most of those guys became a Friday lunch group instead. 2. If you can, a cheap poker night. Like $10 buy in so the point is more to hang out than to loot your neighbors coffers and it keeps it accessible for people who have never played. This probably works for most games, but poker is such a broadly played game that it’s not that intimidating. Works in all weather conditions and works well with a sporting event on TV in the background. Again, the key is consistent scheduling. For either of these options, make sure people know they can bring a friend if they think they’ll get along with the group. 3. Take up golf. I haven’t done this but I know enough people who have. It works. Join a country club and play regularly. They’ll pair you up with people and groups. It’s not for everybody, but works well for lots of people. 4. Join a church with adult Sunday school. Free and easy way to meet people in your community. Usually comes with family friendly activities around community service too. 5. Get involved with local tech communities and meetup groups.
- comprev 2y ago
  Not sure I agree with you about #4... religious groups prey on the vulnerable and you initiating contact is just heavenly for them.
  - pavel_lishin 2y ago
    I don't disagree with you on the basic premise, but I'm pretty sure that the person you're replying to is a religious adult who has their shit together, and is probably not going to a church group that meets in a van down by the river, and practices "Steveism" or whatever. For all of my problems with religion, churches are a good way for religious people to make friends and establish a social circle. It's one of the few Third Places left in our society.
jessekv 2y ago
As a kid, maybe your parent/guardian did the legwork to get you into the playgroup/neighbourhood/school/sport/etc. where you made friends. As an adult, you have to do that bit yourself. (Thanks mom!)
jdalgetty 2y ago
Play sports, and it becomes much easier.
jimt1234 2y ago
I came to California, in part, because my family in the Midwest is a bunch of Jesus freaks - not the "love thy neighbor" kind, more like the "God hates fags" kind. So when a girlfriend (in California) invited me to her church for some volunteer work, I went prepared to hate on everyone. However, I was blown away, as they were the nicest people I'd ever met in my life. They all went out of their way to help one another, just to be helpful, not to destroy the "gay agenda" or "save the unborn" or whatever. No one preached to me, no warnings about burning in hell. My point is that, love it or hate it, church can be a great way to meet good people. I'm still anti-religion, anti-church, although a bit less. But I can't deny the social support church can provide.
- Freak_NL 2y ago
  That's nice and all, but when you don't believe in their god, it becomes rather awkward.
  - frereubu 2y ago
    That depends, as the comment you replied to shows, on how they respond to that. I'm an atheist, but one of my wife's best friends is a dyed-in-the wool catholic, and we get on really well despite that fundamental difference. He has a great line in self-deprecating humour, where he talked about "going Taliban" during lent, of which he is very observant. Not all religious people - and, I would suggest, probably very few in fact - are nutters. They're just the loudest ones.
  - onemoresoop 2y ago
    Yes and no, if you join a group that is not overzealous you can just skip the religion talk altogether and involve with community projects instead.
  - corinroyal 2y ago
    I thought so too, until I realized that if atheists see God as a deep aspect of the human mind, that evolved that way for reasons, then we don't miss much of the Judeo-Christian story. I stopped by a local church for Bible study just in order to challenge my assumptions and found that they had no problem with that formulation at all. I expected way more awkwardness and even pushed the issue, to no avail. The result was a delightful experience of people sitting around interrogating ancient texts and being attentive to each other's life challenges. I found that the structure of the Christian congregation is equivalent to the anarchist affinity group. I realized that, unlike us, Christians build infrastructure to support their organizing, and we should probably adopt that. I'm still the same atheist, just a churchgoing one. I don't go to mass often or ever recite the Nicene Creed, but otherwise it's been a fantastic social outlet, great intellectual company, and the organ festival is off the hook.
neom 2y ago
For me it went something like: I'm lonely > try to make friends > it's hard, but wait I already have friends > try to reconnect with old friends > for various reasons old friends don't want to/can't be friends > try to make new friends > wait I want my old friends > not going to happen > volunteering
- changexd 2y ago
  I used to be like this! then I figured out the reason what makes making new friends hard, I became more relaxed hanging out and reaching out to new friends, now I can enjoy both new and old friends' accompany, tho I'm still working on making myself more comfortable making friends.
rqtwteye 2y ago
If you make a little effort it gets easier once you hit 50s or 60s. People in their 30s and 40s are very busy with family and work. This changes once kids are gone and people near or have reached retirement.
- robocat 2y ago
  Even if younger, keep your mind open to finding friends that are more than middle-aged.
hn_throwaway_99 2y ago
TBH, I thought this was a pretty empty article. It seemed to rehash things that I believe most people are aware of regarding the difficulty of making friends once you hit adulthood. Thus, I'll add one piece of advice that I didn't see mentioned in the article or the comments. Beyond just having unstructured time together, I think I made some of my best friends when I was in a group that had a common goal, and we had to work together to achieve that goal. While the common goal actually isn't the most important factor in making friends, I think it provides the framework that makes the "unstructured" time so much more natural, easy, and regular. E.g. joining a sports team provides the framework of regular practice, but then you can make great friends getting something to eat after. Or in a community theater group, the rehearsals provides the structure, but it's all the downtime where you really get to build friendships. I mention this because I so often here the advice of "join a group of other people with shared interests", and while that's true, I've found that is it's too "laissez faire", then the normal pressures of adult life can often get in the way, and it's harder to connect. E.g. a book club is nice, but when you get really busy it's easy to just bail and not feel as connected to the folks in the club.
technological 2y ago
I notice that as we grow older patience in growing a friendship is less, usually at at adult change we look for a perfect person or someone with way less difference in tastes.
- f1shy 2y ago
  I would say maybe not patience, but openness maybe? I have a hard time being around with people, that say, show some trait of antisemitism, or discrimination. I grew intolerant to that (and many other things) that 20 years ago I would just ignore.
OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago
Must be something in the air: From yesterday, 275 comments. "One way to fight loneliness: Germans call it a Stammtisch" https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42488263 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42488263
- supersparrow 2y ago
  Christmas
  - OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago
    If so, it seems odd that it would happen at a social time of year for many if not most.
    - supersparrow 2y ago
      I think for a lot of people it’s hard precisely for that reason - it’s a very social time of year for most which increases the feeling of loneliness for those who maybe don’t know a lot of people or don’t have family or friends they can visit for whatever reason.
    - deleted 2y ago
      [deleted]
__turbobrew__ 2y ago
Get a dog, show up regularly to the local dog park. You will quickly meet people.
- robocat 2y ago
  Great advice if you're a dog lover. You will quickly meet dog-loving people. One stereotype is the dog owners that have dogs as a fashion item. Another stereotype is dog owners that desire a dependent. Recently I've noticed lots of people I thin judge to be good have house plants. So there's definitely something about being able to care for dogs or plants or people. I'd love to hear other thoughts about house plant owners!
  - nanomonkey 2y ago
    I have a sneaking suspicion if you walked your house plants you'd meet many new people. If I didn't already have a dog, I might build a robotic platform so that I could wander to the park with a dwarf fruit tree in tow.
osamabinladen 2y ago
maybe this is a projection, but it always seems like the people struggling to make new friends also tend to never put themselves in the bare minimum situation to be able to make said friends. i personally rarely go outside outside of anything related to work. maybe for others it is the same?
- disambiguation 2y ago
  My take is that it's like we're seeing an epidemic of law students failing the bar so many times that they just give up altogether.
- throw646577 2y ago
  It's not a projection. I think it's a core truth you've discovered. You need to find a thing that is bigger than yourself to be a part of. And then show up and be willing to pitch in. Other adults who know that adult friendship is important will be there. The rest sorts itself out pretty fast, because almost everyone enjoys the company of someone who is willing to put themselves out there, even a shy, awkward person. There are of course people who can't "show up" so easily -- people with limited mobility, people who are physically severely isolated. But the internet does offer some spaces where those people can have a lot of what face-to-face friendship offers. Again you just have to find a shared activity and show up.
- f1shy 2y ago
  Is that not the problem? “I have a hard time making friends” may be eventually interpreted as “I have a hard time putting me in situations to be able to make friends” just 2 sides of the same coin, isn’t it?
  - s1artibartfast 2y ago
    I think there is value in following the causality and moving closer to the root cause. It can help people take meaningful action.
throw646577 2y ago
It's not! You just need a shared interest or objective in as close to 'real life' as you can get it, and you need to dedicate time to it that you would otherwise give to TV and doom-scrolling. Gamers make real friends. Open source enthusiasts can make real friends. Music fans can make real friends (though your local scene is considerably better for this). It does take management and maintenance, and if you're a single person then covid lockdowns will have broken many ties; I am definitely a more insular person than I was before. But stop wasting your time watching TV, make a plan to make your social media more focussed on local activities and less focussed on personal drama, and try to be part of something a bit bigger than yourself. Get a dog, maybe.
deleted 2y ago
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bleakenthusiasm 2y ago
For me a huge challenge is that I grew older (college years) in an environment where people were strongly convinced that opinions and tastes can only be right or wrong. If someone liked something else than the group, they just didn't see the truth. It was exhausting and also meant that "finding friends" basically meant trying to find someone who likes and values exactly the same things as you. I learned pretty late that you can get along very well with people who have vastly different taste and as long as your ideals are not directly contradicting, it still works. So I guess my suggestion is: don't artificially limit your pool of potential friends by looking for the perfect match. No need to find your soul-copy. Someone with whom concersation flows is just fine.
- dgfitz 2y ago
  > I learned pretty late that you can get along very well with people who have vastly different taste and as long as your ideals are not directly contradicting, it still works. Depending on how extreme the ideals are you mention, I get along swimmingly with people who are diametrically inverted to my personal beliefs. Idgaf what they think, and idgaf what they think about what I think. Common ground doesn’t need to be qualified by “well we agree that chess is awesome, but you’re a (political party) affiliate, so fuck you!”
someothherguyy 2y ago
https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship
- ta12653421 2y ago
  thanks! glad i scrolled down that far until your comment :)
ydnaclementine 2y ago
Just suggesting because I don't see it here: foreign language group classes. I would say groups are pretty good for beginner level. But you are trading a bit of learning efficiency for the social aspect, arguably
- jsnsnd 2y ago
  [dead]
- nullderef 2y ago
  This one is hard to get right. At the end of a class, I'd often be too tired to talk to them more. And it has to be a smallish, very interactive class. But the diversity of people you find is awesome. I loved getting out of the tech bubble by meeting people who were learning the local language. Owners of kebab stores, nurses, waiters, and more.
23B1 2y ago
My biggest challenge making adult friends is that most of them are still children.
- Etheryte 2y ago
  Sounds like your problem is rather looking down at other people, I can imagine it would be hard to make friends that way.
  - 23B1 2y ago
    QED
    - babyoil 2y ago
      Wow not sure who I hate more from this exchange
      - 23B1 2y ago
        oh no
PeterWhittaker 2y ago
I confess I largely stopped paying attention after the "as a kid, it was easy" comment. As a kid, having playmates was easyish but having friends was tricky. As an ND intellectual multilingual round peg in a town of unilingual anti-everything square holes, I had acquaintances but no good friends until high school, one or two then, none in uni, though there were sufficient like-minded people that it mattered less, and, from then until 10 years ago, at most one or two. In late 2014 I bought a Jeep and joined a hardcore offroad group (rocks, not mud). They are the most diverse group I've ever hung with, and I have half a dozen people I would consider close friends and rather more who would drop everything and drive 50km in a snow storm if I needed help. I lucked out. But to say it was ever easy is misaligned with my experience.
black_13 2y ago
[dead]
timoth3y 2y ago
Most of the things mentioned in the article result in making friends as an adult being different than making friends as a child, but not necessarily harder. I'm in my late 50s and continue to make new friends. I think the larger problem is that many approach friendship with the wrong expectations. As Zig Ziglar said. "If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere."
- snakeyjake 2y ago
  >"If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere." My brain solidified late, in my late 30s, but it did eventually solidify and when it did something like a switch or circuit breaker flipped and I came to this conclusion I'm going to pretend that I came to it independently. I have more, closer, friends in my 40s than I did at any time in my life previously. I don't even know how it happened, I think that I just stopped caring about any potential for embarrassment and I learned that a good conversation is equal parts statements and questions.
  - __rito__ 2y ago
    I also have more and better friends at 25 then I had when I was 10 or 15 or 17. One of the reasons, I think, is, being able to choose your friends. In schools, I was forced to see the same group of people every day, for years.
- maroonblazer 2y ago
  Some of the friends I have now, in my 50's, are due to them proactively reaching out to me to get together. Had it not been for them making the effort, our friendship, likely, would've never materialized. When meeting new people with whom I think there might be potential for friendship, I now try to be the one who reaches out and suggest meeting up.
baron816 2y ago
I have an idea for an organization for getting building close connections among men: The organization would connect men together and then those men with “chores” they could do within their neighborhood. Yeah, kind of like a free Task Rabbit. But the idea is that the men go out on a mission together to help random people in their community, whether that’s helping someone move some furniture around, or hang some pictures, or maybe paint a bedroom, or pick up some food for someone that’s sick. The guys need an excuse to hang out together, but they’re helping people in the process. And maybe they can go grab a drink or lunch when they’re done. They get a sense of purpose and something to feel good about, as well as a companion for the day’s little journey. I imagine people will read this and think this sounds idiotic, and that’s fine, but if you might want to explore this idea with me a little more, my email is in my profile.
- Evil_Saint 2y ago
  I think the core idea is fine though. Kind of like random acts of kindness but as a team. I guess it's a respin on Habits for Humanity right? I don't think it's idiotic. I think you're selling yourself short using that word. Try "silly".
- droidist2 2y ago
  I don't think it's idiotic at all. Volunteering is a great activity to meet people.
- mixmastamyk 2y ago
  I like the idea but see no need to limit it to men.
  - baron816 2y ago
    I wouldn’t want it to fall victim to the same phenomenon as running clubs—people just use it for dating. Men need a space of their own.
    - mixmastamyk 2y ago
      Seems the cure is worse than the disease.
benbojangles 2y ago
perhaps it's not harder, but there's more comfort in solace?
j2kun 2y ago
> Seeking and maintaining meaningful equations becomes difficult as we grow older. Meaningful equations, huh? Sounds like the kind of plagiarism where someone replaces words with things found in a thesaurus.
pjmlp 2y ago
It is even harder among expat communities, as those hard won friends keep going away, searching for other adventures.
adamredwoods 2y ago
I barely have any friends. Being a single father is incredibly isolating. Doing group activities is the key, but finding a group that can include me and my son is very rare. Also, our neighbors are incredibly impolite. We're hoping to move homes soon, and I am hoping the change in perspective will have a good impact. So I would add neighborhood community also has an impact on socializing.
- nvarsj 2y ago
  I co-parent so can relate somewhat. I do get every other week to myself - but it's really hard to be a regular when you can only go every other week (similar issues with dating). I don't really have an answer - it's something I'm still trying to figure out.
- applied_heat 2y ago
  Where in the world do you live? Why is it like that?
everdrive 2y ago
I've slowly become more reclusive, and have been working from home since COVID. I think it's killing me.
- hmcamp 2y ago
  Do you have any plans to change anything in your life for 2025?
  - everdrive 2y ago
    We're having another kid, but yes, I'm going to need to find a way to force some socialization. I think the comments section has it right: regularity is the most important aspect.
bradlys 2y ago
It feels like there's nothing of substance in this article. My own addition to this beyond the "we need third spaces", etc. that gets repeated is that I believe where you live has a huge influence that maybe scales in a way that is not tangible to a person who hasn't experienced it. My life in NYC is wildly different than what it was back on the west coast. I struggled to make friends in Portland, Seattle, and SF. I found that those cities were not just lacking friendliness but somewhat actively hostile towards building friendships. Seattle having the "Seattle Freeze", SF being full of introverted fobs who had a disdain for anything that wasn't their own culture, and Portland being against anything that wasn't anticomformist. By no means is NYC perfect, it is far from it, but it has allowed me to meet a lot of people who are completely open to meeting new people and making new friends. Will these be friends I have for the rest of my life? Probably not but they sure do make the time pass more easily. I do find it has a "quality" issue when it comes to friendships but I think that is somewhat also due to the sheer volume of people I am thrown. What is alarming to me about NYC is how many people who are native to this region are willing to make new friends. It almost felt that with any place that I lived on the west coast, it was almost a given that you'd never make friends with locals because once they found their little insular group then they'd never branch out of it and never make new friends. It created an overall unwelcoming environment because everyone didn't want to ever try anything new. Anyway, just my two cents. Different cities even within the same country can yield wildly different results. I will miss the accessibility of friendship when I do inevitably move back to the bay area to start a family - but I am hoping I will be so focused on my immediate family that I will not be too bothered by the loneliness of not having as many easily accessible friendships.
doktorhladnjak 2y ago
> Growing up, making friends was a breeze This is why I already feel doomed in my 40s. It was hard enough when I was younger and it was supposedly easier.
anonzzzies 2y ago
Never made friends easier than in my 40s. I am late 40s now and made a really good friend only last year. I guess the 'secret' is just to talk to anyone at any time: I strike up conversations in the supermarket, when having a coffee etc; I always did. Often ends up having lunch or dinner and goes from there, or not.
deleted 2y ago
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kidneystereotyp 2y ago
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seacos 2y ago
Volunteer. Find an organization that has a good mix of cause you believe in and an activity you enjoy spending your time on. For me, I built emergency housing for people in extreme poverty, I met other amazing volunteers and we'd hang out often outside the social work.
Agraillo 2y ago
This is my speculation through observation, but imho friendship in its pure form is a genetic program. If you're "no longer twenty these days" (semi-quote from Bernie Taupin), you may not remember how it was but just look at any teen company in public transport or elsewhere, it just feels like a single organism. And at that age it doesn't mean whether your views (if there are any) are similar, you're just attracted. Another speculation that this mutation could be tossed several times with different outcomes, like different spans of this attraction. And keeping the strong bonds later in life from the evolution standpoint it wasn't worth it really so the best fit was to narrow it to some period best for survival of both participant (or group)
bware0fsocdmg 2y ago
Friends and people to have fun with are not the same thing. The older you get, the less you trust people because you know what you and those you grew up with have become. You got deep insights into decades of politics, dark patterns in engineering, and fraud and lies everywhere. All that is done by people, who are either like you or not. In any case, it's hard to trust any of them, especially if you have kids and you understand how all these people turned into what they are now. That's up to 13% of the population, I estimate, who, if you are more honest than corrupting (in the worse sense), can simply be dropped after one or two conversations and evenings. Move on as quickly as possible, don't let them occupy any space whatsoever in your mind. Radical honesty, trusting your gut and acting on it when it comes to people and most other things goes a long way and saves you decades of time, brain power, nerves and rewards you with so much peace of mind. If it's not an honest match, fuck it. There's a million other people. But that must not necessarily matter when it's about just having fun. Just a getting a few good licks out of an evening and being human works with anyone. It's in everyone's interest to let shitty people pay for their sexual gratification, though. Their 'bad boy' or 'bad girl'-vibes are just a facade, a charade, a bad act and any intimate time with them is worth much less than the average sex toy.
Fire-Dragon-DoL 2y ago
I made good friends when I was teenager, but once I started working I made a bunch more. Then once I had kids, I made a bunch more, but I share a lot more with the ones from work/school, however the new ones I do share kids, which is an enormous part of my life. The connection with work/school friends is a lot stronger though. I don't find making friends that hard, surprisingly, given I'm an introvert.
acuozzo 2y ago
The biggest issue I have in making & keeping friends is that I'm constantly haunted by my backlog and the fact that I'm time-poor due to having a wife, three children, and a home to maintain. Do I take three hours today to talk to some strangers or do I spend that time fixing my staircase or remediating the mold issue in my upstairs bathroom or do I finally build that STEM kit my 10 year old has been asking me to do with him for the past few weeks?
scotty79 2y ago
... especially if you have schizoid personality.
Borrible 2y ago
That may be the case, but I can't personally confirm it. On the other hand, I have never felt a particular need. There were some or not. They come and they go. It probably also depends on what you want to understand by the term friend.
prettywoman 2y ago
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dv35z 2y ago
Just found a great approach to making friends - it's always been a struggle for me, so sharing this out in case it helps someone. Language Exchanges. Many cities have a regular (Language)/English meetup. Spanish/English, Italian/English, etc. You might have to search a bit, but check Meet-up.com Basically, you go to a bar/cafe, there are tables with flags like "Basic English", "Advanced Spanish". You sit down, introduce yourself, and chit chat! Since I am a native english speaker, I usually start by sitting with English Basic, so I can help people really in need :) then I go find Spanish basic, and will later move go a higher level table when my brain is warmed up. What's great is that (1) everyone wants to learn another language, (2) travel is fun to talk about, (3) This format "fixes the glitch" about going to a bar/cafe solo, and finding it socially challenging to approach new people - having lots of conversations here is the point! The demographic is diverse! Locals, travelers, young & old, a great mix of girls and guys. I'll share my past 2 month journey - because it's actually shocking to me to go from 2'ish years of loneliness-vibes, to within a couple months - meeting some amazing people and getting into a social groove. Language exchange visit #1: Met lots of interesting people. Later the event had a club/dance vibe, ended up dancing with some of the new people I met. That was cool! Since this was in another city and I was traveling, I wasn't able to follow up and hang with the new people I met. Language exchange visit #2: Found on Meet-up. At a loud bar, hard to converse. A regular there told me about another weekly language meetup, in a nearby area. Basically, its a latin dance school which hosts 3 languages exchanges a week. Language exchange visit #3: I found the language learning part great (well structured, rotate tables each 5-10 minutes), the dancing was frustrating. Couldn't understand the dance instructions, felt lost and clumsy in the group setting, I left discouraged a few times - and did't want to go back. Bummed. Met a neighbor of mine, told her about the recent experience. She told me about another regular language exchange, in a farther part of town - and suggested I go. Language exchange visit #4: Great meet up - calm coffee shop / wine bar vibe. I met several people, exchanged contacts. One guy mentioned he's hosting an upcoming holiday party and invited me. I went to it, and it was fun! Some other people from the language exchange were there, so I had a couple of people to talk with at the party. "See you at the language exchange?" - "I'll be there!" Language exchange visit #5. Returned to the previous bar/cafe, greeted by familiar faces (several people remembered my name). I've been trying to get group sports going - and there are padel courts near me (a game similar to pickleball, squash, tennis). The guy partner from a nice couple I met expressed interest in playing padel - so I thought it would be a good way to expand the friendship vibes, and lean into social / fitness / fun activity, rather than "let's get a drink" Me and the guy booked a padel court, and had a ton of fun playing. Near the end of the game, he mentioned - Man, we should do this weekly! The following week, we scheduled another padel session. My new padel buddy asked if he could invite a few friends to join us play (with padel, you can do 1v1 or 2v2 people). Sure! That padel game was so much fun! 4 dudes on a court, with no ideas the rules of the game, just having a blast keeping the ball going back and forth. Felt like teenagers again! While taking break between games, I got an invite to a small-gathering holiday dinner party. I had been planning to have a solo night with the dogs, but wanted to actually spend time with good people too. The holiday party was last night, and tons of fun! Work-wise, got an immediate benefit. At the padel game, when doing the "what do you do for work" convo, I mentioned I'm a software developer / entrepreneur, and help people build their dream thing. One of the guys asked if we could meet up for coffee and talk through his business idea, which is happening this weekend... Since I'm on entrepreneur mode - and that's been challenging - this was validation that the group sports / work pathway seems pretty good. Healthy active people with good ideas / important problems - hoping it will lead to some great clients/projects/opportunities. I hope this inspires someone to give language exchange meet-ups a try, and also to lean into fun social group sports.
mensetmanusman 2y ago
Community is showing up. Anywhere, weekly. Only the most profound reason for doing so will create a multigenerational community. But there are smaller shorter lasting communities you can string together if you would like.

190 points by rzk 2y ago

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship avenues are still there.

ghaff 2y ago
For me, over time, it's been primarily common outdoor interests. Though it doesn't have to be outdoor interests specifically.
someothherguyy 2y ago
Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.
- taneq 2y ago
  I don't think that's exactly what they were saying. I read it more like "people who divide life into work-that-you-should-pour-your-energy-into and recovery-where-you-try-not-to-spend-energy", and that maybe we should pour less of our energy into work and use that energy for socialising (which can result in an overall net energy gain).
  - someothherguyy 2y ago
    You have more generous eyes than my best, but saying things like, get off your butt, stop binging, and its that easy, is pretty analogous to common discourse where the blame is placed on motivation alone.
- throw646577 2y ago
  There are obviously some adults who have severe limitations on their ability to socialise and nobody is implying they are lazy. But a wider social scene I have been part of has people with evident learning difficulties, people with obvious neurodivergence, people with physical disabilities. If you show up and show interest in sharing a common goal with a large enough circle of people, then those people will find you a way to participate at your own speed. If you have a way to show up for social activities, or assistance to show up, you could show up, you have a desire to show up, and you don't show up... some of that really is laziness at worst and avoidance at best.
- Drew_ 2y ago
  Their comment is on a specific kind of person ("those that treat life as 'working and slacking'"), not all people.
BoingBoomTschak 2y ago
> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works. But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.
- f1shy 2y ago
  That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe with luck I make 1 friend out of it. I’ve done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church, fathers of my friends… that resulted in a say 1% friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them! Was I the only one who got a manic hanging every day at my door? I had many experiences where people I didn’t want to be around would stick to me in a stalker way…
  - someothherguyy 2y ago
    And those "manics" are excluded as well, while just showing up, trying to make friends. The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. They devolve into self-help for the masses. Human relationships are complex, and there is no easy path to true friendship.
    - throw646577 2y ago
      > The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. The solution I identify in my comments does not fly in the face of reality, because it is how I went from being crushingly lonely and weird in my early 30s to having the kind of friends who (just today) said "are you really doing Christmas by yourself? Fly out to <another country> and come to us, you'd be very welcome", and they absolutely mean it. I'm still someone who lives solo and the covid lockdowns were a difficult, lonely time. But I have friends because I found myself introduced to an event on the fringes of a much bigger social scene, and I decided to turn up more and take an active part in it. You find a thing that is bigger than yourself, whatever it is, you show interest, and you keep turning up. It's not solutionism: it's how friendship starts, for most people. You offer or accept help. You share a task that needs doing. You share an activity that is fun. You expand your personal circle to a dog, and they expand your circle to the owners of other dogs. Whatever. Of course humans are all different, but essentially all the adults at a grown up social group, community project, activism event, regular club, dog park, have something in common: they are adults who want friendship. That may well be the only thing they have in common apart from their interest in some shared endeavour.

activeradio 2y ago

yeah i guess you develop preferences. but it's still possible. all about putting in the time around common interests

wkirby 2y ago

I made my first new friend in years simply by… asking. Struck up a conversation with a guy in line for coffee, on my way out of the cafe went up, gave him my number, said I was looking to make new friends. The world is more like the playground than you might think. Just ask if someone wants to be friends. They probably do.

mettamage 2y ago
That's wise. I see the playground you're talking about. This comment will help me. I used to talk to people in line, despite being a bit shy and sometimes socially anxious. My shyness and anxiety can take a hike. I feel upset enough to block them out.
yosito 2y ago
I'm 37. Any time I strike up a conversation with someone new who seems like an interesting person, I end the conversation by asking to exchange contacts. In the context I live in, that usually means scanning a WhatsApp QR code, or asking for an Instagram or Telegram ID. Then I invite them to the next suitable thing I want to do. I make 3-5 new friends a week this way. Of course, not all of them become close, reliable friends, but I'm never alone, and the ones I click most with become closer friends over time.
- wkirby 2y ago
  I’m 36 and my new daughter (8 months) has helped me come out of my shell. It’s given me something to connect with other people about.
pavel_lishin 2y ago
One thing that can help people do this is to realize that not everyone will actually become a friend. I've done similar things - only to later realize that, nah, we don't really click. And then we drift apart, and never see each other again. And that's fine! But the friends I have made and kept have been worth it.

hashishen 2y ago

Begging the author to volunteer in their community at the very least

OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago
The author of the article? Doesn't sound like she is trying to make friends. Comes off as an assignment where she polled a bunch of people and added some text around their replies.

irrational 2y ago

I have a few board game groups I belong to. We occasionally also do things outside of board games. So, for me it was finding a common interest. Another factor, for me, is being married. My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc.

bossyTeacher 2y ago
> My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc. The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that they might end remaining your wife's friends as opposed to your friends. Especially if you only see each other in the context of "my wife's friend". It is a very common pattern. And then if you ever break up with your wife, she is gone and so are her friends. Learning to make friends on your own is a valuable skill.
- taneq 2y ago
  Eh, some of my good friends were boyfriend-of-my-girlfriend's-girlfriend and while both girlfriends are long gone, we stay in touch.
  - bossyTeacher 2y ago
    great news but that is not always the case. And betting your social network on it seems ill-advised
- irrational 2y ago
  Did you miss the whole first paragraph?

iambateman 2y ago

I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.

bossyTeacher 2y ago
>In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult. I think it is more that you made friends with people that already lived near you (ie the kids going to your school). As adults, the only people that match a similar profile are your work colleagues but adults tend be more closed off to making friends. In some cultures, it is still easy but north european cultures seem to make it so that when you reach some age you close off to new people.
diggan 2y ago
> I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's the majority. Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I cannot go outside without people around me and there are constant regular events being done. I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were not really alone unless you were out in the forest. Even that place regularly had events organized by people. Besides, I'm guessing most people in the world live in or close to metropolitan areas, and there certainly there isn't any problem of "live so far from one another", but maybe the opposite problem.
- norir 2y ago
  Yes and you aren't necessarily going to be friends with all of those people around you. The challenge is not being near just anyone but rather being near a group of people with significant overlap in values and interests. I live in one of the highest density cities in the US but I still have very few friends who live within a twenty minute walk and I frequently have to commute an hour each way to social gatherings.
  - 2y ago

a1o 2y ago

This is the first time I heard of Dupe photos: https://dupephotos.com/ https://dupephotos.com/ , they look more amateur but feel more human.

neom 2y ago
I couldn't understand why you were talking about this, I actually thought your account was hacked, but I see now all the photos in the article are provided by them. Clicked through and spent some time there, an interesting community, it seems like people's random "decent enough" photos, kinda a good idea imo. If I want random stock these days I typically use AI, but this would save me having to think up a prompt and then do 15 minutes of prompt engineering. I like it!
- a1o 2y ago
  Yeah, I was quite happy it wasn't AI. Glad I wasn't alone. Merry Christmas. :)

prhn 2y ago

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play sports. It doesn't matter if you're athletic or talented. You just gotta show up and see the same people every week over and over. If you're a reasonably well adjusted person (and even that sometimes doesn't matter) you will make friends. Again, making connections and friends is easy. Being around the same people regularly is difficult. Solve that problem and the friendships will come with little effort. I have found that people generally understand the value of friendship and are welcoming to newcomers. It's been a very refreshing surprise as I've gotten older. Get out there!

PittleyDunkin 2y ago
> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?
- henry2023 2y ago
  Climbing gyms
  - dgfitz 2y ago
    Rarely have I met someone at a climbing gym who was a jerk. This is solid advice.
- idontwantthis 2y ago
  > imagining enjoying Try it and find out if you really don’t like it. Maybe you’ll hear about something else you will like more.

vouaobrasil 2y ago

Children have it easy because they are made to go to school. It's simple forced proximity. Adults often had it easier in the past because people needed each other more, and that placed them together. But advancing technology takes that away. People need each other less and less with each passing day because we are too self-sufficient with technology. AI is the final step that will make friendships very hard to form indeed.

billy99k 2y ago

I made lots of friends (and eventually my wife and best man at my wedding) in my early 30s by first joining a meetup group and eventually becoming the organizer for it. It was disbanded a few years ago (before Covid), but I still hang out with the 13 or so people I met in the group. The group lasted almost 8 years. I had work friends in my 20s, but it was always difficult for me to make new friends after college. Joining a common-interest meetup group made it so much easier. I find the key is to meet weekly and in-person. If you don't do this, you just won't be able to put the time in to actually have a real friend. It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids. My daughter will go up to another kid and say "Do you want to be my friend?" and they will play all day together.

meiraleal 2y ago
> It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids. It is easy. Only need to make it your full-time job, like it is for kids.
- pfannkuchen 2y ago
  With the caveat that you need to be in a setting where the other “kids” are doing it full time too. If that were the case, I do think it would be easy. Interesting insight.
  - meiraleal 2y ago
    That's the travelers/digital nomads community. Moving to touristic towns was my "lifehack" to make new friends easily.

brightball 2y ago

I really committed myself to solving this for myself a few years back. It does take commitment. A few things I’ve done that work: 1. Start a “Dad’s night” with people in my neighborhood. We picked Wednesday night from 9 - 10pm. Started out just as BYOB in my back yard. Eventually we periodically went to a local pub that was near the neighborhood. When you have kids of a certain age, it’s inconsiderate to bail on your wife while the kids are still awake. The hard time limit keeps it easy for anybody during the work week. Doing it mid week keeps weekend plans from getting in the way. Lots of dads were thrilled to have this. The trick is consistent scheduling even if you have some weeks with no shows. That’s why starting it in my back yard was easiest until we regularly had about 8 people showing up. Doesn’t put you out if nobody can make it. Don’t get your feelings hurt because things like this start slow. Covid killed it, but most of those guys became a Friday lunch group instead. 2. If you can, a cheap poker night. Like $10 buy in so the point is more to hang out than to loot your neighbors coffers and it keeps it accessible for people who have never played. This probably works for most games, but poker is such a broadly played game that it’s not that intimidating. Works in all weather conditions and works well with a sporting event on TV in the background. Again, the key is consistent scheduling. For either of these options, make sure people know they can bring a friend if they think they’ll get along with the group. 3. Take up golf. I haven’t done this but I know enough people who have. It works. Join a country club and play regularly. They’ll pair you up with people and groups. It’s not for everybody, but works well for lots of people. 4. Join a church with adult Sunday school. Free and easy way to meet people in your community. Usually comes with family friendly activities around community service too. 5. Get involved with local tech communities and meetup groups.

comprev 2y ago
Not sure I agree with you about #4... religious groups prey on the vulnerable and you initiating contact is just heavenly for them.
- pavel_lishin 2y ago
  I don't disagree with you on the basic premise, but I'm pretty sure that the person you're replying to is a religious adult who has their shit together, and is probably not going to a church group that meets in a van down by the river, and practices "Steveism" or whatever. For all of my problems with religion, churches are a good way for religious people to make friends and establish a social circle. It's one of the few Third Places left in our society.

jessekv 2y ago

As a kid, maybe your parent/guardian did the legwork to get you into the playgroup/neighbourhood/school/sport/etc. where you made friends. As an adult, you have to do that bit yourself. (Thanks mom!)

jdalgetty 2y ago

Play sports, and it becomes much easier.

jimt1234 2y ago

I came to California, in part, because my family in the Midwest is a bunch of Jesus freaks - not the "love thy neighbor" kind, more like the "God hates fags" kind. So when a girlfriend (in California) invited me to her church for some volunteer work, I went prepared to hate on everyone. However, I was blown away, as they were the nicest people I'd ever met in my life. They all went out of their way to help one another, just to be helpful, not to destroy the "gay agenda" or "save the unborn" or whatever. No one preached to me, no warnings about burning in hell. My point is that, love it or hate it, church can be a great way to meet good people. I'm still anti-religion, anti-church, although a bit less. But I can't deny the social support church can provide.

Freak_NL 2y ago
That's nice and all, but when you don't believe in their god, it becomes rather awkward.
- frereubu 2y ago
  That depends, as the comment you replied to shows, on how they respond to that. I'm an atheist, but one of my wife's best friends is a dyed-in-the wool catholic, and we get on really well despite that fundamental difference. He has a great line in self-deprecating humour, where he talked about "going Taliban" during lent, of which he is very observant. Not all religious people - and, I would suggest, probably very few in fact - are nutters. They're just the loudest ones.
- onemoresoop 2y ago
  Yes and no, if you join a group that is not overzealous you can just skip the religion talk altogether and involve with community projects instead.
- corinroyal 2y ago
  I thought so too, until I realized that if atheists see God as a deep aspect of the human mind, that evolved that way for reasons, then we don't miss much of the Judeo-Christian story. I stopped by a local church for Bible study just in order to challenge my assumptions and found that they had no problem with that formulation at all. I expected way more awkwardness and even pushed the issue, to no avail. The result was a delightful experience of people sitting around interrogating ancient texts and being attentive to each other's life challenges. I found that the structure of the Christian congregation is equivalent to the anarchist affinity group. I realized that, unlike us, Christians build infrastructure to support their organizing, and we should probably adopt that. I'm still the same atheist, just a churchgoing one. I don't go to mass often or ever recite the Nicene Creed, but otherwise it's been a fantastic social outlet, great intellectual company, and the organ festival is off the hook.

neom 2y ago

For me it went something like: I'm lonely > try to make friends > it's hard, but wait I already have friends > try to reconnect with old friends > for various reasons old friends don't want to/can't be friends > try to make new friends > wait I want my old friends > not going to happen > volunteering

changexd 2y ago
I used to be like this! then I figured out the reason what makes making new friends hard, I became more relaxed hanging out and reaching out to new friends, now I can enjoy both new and old friends' accompany, tho I'm still working on making myself more comfortable making friends.

rqtwteye 2y ago

If you make a little effort it gets easier once you hit 50s or 60s. People in their 30s and 40s are very busy with family and work. This changes once kids are gone and people near or have reached retirement.

robocat 2y ago
Even if younger, keep your mind open to finding friends that are more than middle-aged.

hn_throwaway_99 2y ago

TBH, I thought this was a pretty empty article. It seemed to rehash things that I believe most people are aware of regarding the difficulty of making friends once you hit adulthood. Thus, I'll add one piece of advice that I didn't see mentioned in the article or the comments. Beyond just having unstructured time together, I think I made some of my best friends when I was in a group that had a common goal, and we had to work together to achieve that goal. While the common goal actually isn't the most important factor in making friends, I think it provides the framework that makes the "unstructured" time so much more natural, easy, and regular. E.g. joining a sports team provides the framework of regular practice, but then you can make great friends getting something to eat after. Or in a community theater group, the rehearsals provides the structure, but it's all the downtime where you really get to build friendships. I mention this because I so often here the advice of "join a group of other people with shared interests", and while that's true, I've found that is it's too "laissez faire", then the normal pressures of adult life can often get in the way, and it's harder to connect. E.g. a book club is nice, but when you get really busy it's easy to just bail and not feel as connected to the folks in the club.

technological 2y ago

I notice that as we grow older patience in growing a friendship is less, usually at at adult change we look for a perfect person or someone with way less difference in tastes.

f1shy 2y ago
I would say maybe not patience, but openness maybe? I have a hard time being around with people, that say, show some trait of antisemitism, or discrimination. I grew intolerant to that (and many other things) that 20 years ago I would just ignore.

OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago

Must be something in the air: From yesterday, 275 comments. "One way to fight loneliness: Germans call it a Stammtisch" https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42488263 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42488263

supersparrow 2y ago
Christmas
- OldGuyInTheClub 2y ago
  If so, it seems odd that it would happen at a social time of year for many if not most.
  - supersparrow 2y ago
    I think for a lot of people it’s hard precisely for that reason - it’s a very social time of year for most which increases the feeling of loneliness for those who maybe don’t know a lot of people or don’t have family or friends they can visit for whatever reason.
  - deleted 2y ago
    [deleted]

__turbobrew__ 2y ago

Get a dog, show up regularly to the local dog park. You will quickly meet people.

robocat 2y ago
Great advice if you're a dog lover. You will quickly meet dog-loving people. One stereotype is the dog owners that have dogs as a fashion item. Another stereotype is dog owners that desire a dependent. Recently I've noticed lots of people I thin judge to be good have house plants. So there's definitely something about being able to care for dogs or plants or people. I'd love to hear other thoughts about house plant owners!
- nanomonkey 2y ago
  I have a sneaking suspicion if you walked your house plants you'd meet many new people. If I didn't already have a dog, I might build a robotic platform so that I could wander to the park with a dwarf fruit tree in tow.

osamabinladen 2y ago

maybe this is a projection, but it always seems like the people struggling to make new friends also tend to never put themselves in the bare minimum situation to be able to make said friends. i personally rarely go outside outside of anything related to work. maybe for others it is the same?

disambiguation 2y ago
My take is that it's like we're seeing an epidemic of law students failing the bar so many times that they just give up altogether.
throw646577 2y ago
It's not a projection. I think it's a core truth you've discovered. You need to find a thing that is bigger than yourself to be a part of. And then show up and be willing to pitch in. Other adults who know that adult friendship is important will be there. The rest sorts itself out pretty fast, because almost everyone enjoys the company of someone who is willing to put themselves out there, even a shy, awkward person. There are of course people who can't "show up" so easily -- people with limited mobility, people who are physically severely isolated. But the internet does offer some spaces where those people can have a lot of what face-to-face friendship offers. Again you just have to find a shared activity and show up.
f1shy 2y ago
Is that not the problem? “I have a hard time making friends” may be eventually interpreted as “I have a hard time putting me in situations to be able to make friends” just 2 sides of the same coin, isn’t it?
- s1artibartfast 2y ago
  I think there is value in following the causality and moving closer to the root cause. It can help people take meaningful action.

throw646577 2y ago

It's not! You just need a shared interest or objective in as close to 'real life' as you can get it, and you need to dedicate time to it that you would otherwise give to TV and doom-scrolling. Gamers make real friends. Open source enthusiasts can make real friends. Music fans can make real friends (though your local scene is considerably better for this). It does take management and maintenance, and if you're a single person then covid lockdowns will have broken many ties; I am definitely a more insular person than I was before. But stop wasting your time watching TV, make a plan to make your social media more focussed on local activities and less focussed on personal drama, and try to be part of something a bit bigger than yourself. Get a dog, maybe.

deleted 2y ago

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bleakenthusiasm 2y ago

For me a huge challenge is that I grew older (college years) in an environment where people were strongly convinced that opinions and tastes can only be right or wrong. If someone liked something else than the group, they just didn't see the truth. It was exhausting and also meant that "finding friends" basically meant trying to find someone who likes and values exactly the same things as you. I learned pretty late that you can get along very well with people who have vastly different taste and as long as your ideals are not directly contradicting, it still works. So I guess my suggestion is: don't artificially limit your pool of potential friends by looking for the perfect match. No need to find your soul-copy. Someone with whom concersation flows is just fine.

dgfitz 2y ago
> I learned pretty late that you can get along very well with people who have vastly different taste and as long as your ideals are not directly contradicting, it still works. Depending on how extreme the ideals are you mention, I get along swimmingly with people who are diametrically inverted to my personal beliefs. Idgaf what they think, and idgaf what they think about what I think. Common ground doesn’t need to be qualified by “well we agree that chess is awesome, but you’re a (political party) affiliate, so fuck you!”

someothherguyy 2y ago

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship

ta12653421 2y ago
thanks! glad i scrolled down that far until your comment :)

ydnaclementine 2y ago

Just suggesting because I don't see it here: foreign language group classes. I would say groups are pretty good for beginner level. But you are trading a bit of learning efficiency for the social aspect, arguably

jsnsnd 2y ago
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nullderef 2y ago
This one is hard to get right. At the end of a class, I'd often be too tired to talk to them more. And it has to be a smallish, very interactive class. But the diversity of people you find is awesome. I loved getting out of the tech bubble by meeting people who were learning the local language. Owners of kebab stores, nurses, waiters, and more.

23B1 2y ago

My biggest challenge making adult friends is that most of them are still children.

Etheryte 2y ago
Sounds like your problem is rather looking down at other people, I can imagine it would be hard to make friends that way.
- 23B1 2y ago
  QED
  - babyoil 2y ago
    Wow not sure who I hate more from this exchange
    - 23B1 2y ago
      oh no

PeterWhittaker 2y ago

I confess I largely stopped paying attention after the "as a kid, it was easy" comment. As a kid, having playmates was easyish but having friends was tricky. As an ND intellectual multilingual round peg in a town of unilingual anti-everything square holes, I had acquaintances but no good friends until high school, one or two then, none in uni, though there were sufficient like-minded people that it mattered less, and, from then until 10 years ago, at most one or two. In late 2014 I bought a Jeep and joined a hardcore offroad group (rocks, not mud). They are the most diverse group I've ever hung with, and I have half a dozen people I would consider close friends and rather more who would drop everything and drive 50km in a snow storm if I needed help. I lucked out. But to say it was ever easy is misaligned with my experience.

black_13 2y ago

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timoth3y 2y ago

Most of the things mentioned in the article result in making friends as an adult being different than making friends as a child, but not necessarily harder. I'm in my late 50s and continue to make new friends. I think the larger problem is that many approach friendship with the wrong expectations. As Zig Ziglar said. "If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere."

snakeyjake 2y ago
>"If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere." My brain solidified late, in my late 30s, but it did eventually solidify and when it did something like a switch or circuit breaker flipped and I came to this conclusion I'm going to pretend that I came to it independently. I have more, closer, friends in my 40s than I did at any time in my life previously. I don't even know how it happened, I think that I just stopped caring about any potential for embarrassment and I learned that a good conversation is equal parts statements and questions.
- __rito__ 2y ago
  I also have more and better friends at 25 then I had when I was 10 or 15 or 17. One of the reasons, I think, is, being able to choose your friends. In schools, I was forced to see the same group of people every day, for years.
maroonblazer 2y ago
Some of the friends I have now, in my 50's, are due to them proactively reaching out to me to get together. Had it not been for them making the effort, our friendship, likely, would've never materialized. When meeting new people with whom I think there might be potential for friendship, I now try to be the one who reaches out and suggest meeting up.

baron816 2y ago

I have an idea for an organization for getting building close connections among men: The organization would connect men together and then those men with “chores” they could do within their neighborhood. Yeah, kind of like a free Task Rabbit. But the idea is that the men go out on a mission together to help random people in their community, whether that’s helping someone move some furniture around, or hang some pictures, or maybe paint a bedroom, or pick up some food for someone that’s sick. The guys need an excuse to hang out together, but they’re helping people in the process. And maybe they can go grab a drink or lunch when they’re done. They get a sense of purpose and something to feel good about, as well as a companion for the day’s little journey. I imagine people will read this and think this sounds idiotic, and that’s fine, but if you might want to explore this idea with me a little more, my email is in my profile.

Evil_Saint 2y ago
I think the core idea is fine though. Kind of like random acts of kindness but as a team. I guess it's a respin on Habits for Humanity right? I don't think it's idiotic. I think you're selling yourself short using that word. Try "silly".
droidist2 2y ago
I don't think it's idiotic at all. Volunteering is a great activity to meet people.
mixmastamyk 2y ago
I like the idea but see no need to limit it to men.
- baron816 2y ago
  I wouldn’t want it to fall victim to the same phenomenon as running clubs—people just use it for dating. Men need a space of their own.
  - mixmastamyk 2y ago
    Seems the cure is worse than the disease.

benbojangles 2y ago

perhaps it's not harder, but there's more comfort in solace?

j2kun 2y ago

> Seeking and maintaining meaningful equations becomes difficult as we grow older. Meaningful equations, huh? Sounds like the kind of plagiarism where someone replaces words with things found in a thesaurus.

pjmlp 2y ago

It is even harder among expat communities, as those hard won friends keep going away, searching for other adventures.

adamredwoods 2y ago

I barely have any friends. Being a single father is incredibly isolating. Doing group activities is the key, but finding a group that can include me and my son is very rare. Also, our neighbors are incredibly impolite. We're hoping to move homes soon, and I am hoping the change in perspective will have a good impact. So I would add neighborhood community also has an impact on socializing.

nvarsj 2y ago
I co-parent so can relate somewhat. I do get every other week to myself - but it's really hard to be a regular when you can only go every other week (similar issues with dating). I don't really have an answer - it's something I'm still trying to figure out.
applied_heat 2y ago
Where in the world do you live? Why is it like that?

everdrive 2y ago

I've slowly become more reclusive, and have been working from home since COVID. I think it's killing me.

hmcamp 2y ago
Do you have any plans to change anything in your life for 2025?
- everdrive 2y ago
  We're having another kid, but yes, I'm going to need to find a way to force some socialization. I think the comments section has it right: regularity is the most important aspect.

bradlys 2y ago

It feels like there's nothing of substance in this article. My own addition to this beyond the "we need third spaces", etc. that gets repeated is that I believe where you live has a huge influence that maybe scales in a way that is not tangible to a person who hasn't experienced it. My life in NYC is wildly different than what it was back on the west coast. I struggled to make friends in Portland, Seattle, and SF. I found that those cities were not just lacking friendliness but somewhat actively hostile towards building friendships. Seattle having the "Seattle Freeze", SF being full of introverted fobs who had a disdain for anything that wasn't their own culture, and Portland being against anything that wasn't anticomformist. By no means is NYC perfect, it is far from it, but it has allowed me to meet a lot of people who are completely open to meeting new people and making new friends. Will these be friends I have for the rest of my life? Probably not but they sure do make the time pass more easily. I do find it has a "quality" issue when it comes to friendships but I think that is somewhat also due to the sheer volume of people I am thrown. What is alarming to me about NYC is how many people who are native to this region are willing to make new friends. It almost felt that with any place that I lived on the west coast, it was almost a given that you'd never make friends with locals because once they found their little insular group then they'd never branch out of it and never make new friends. It created an overall unwelcoming environment because everyone didn't want to ever try anything new. Anyway, just my two cents. Different cities even within the same country can yield wildly different results. I will miss the accessibility of friendship when I do inevitably move back to the bay area to start a family - but I am hoping I will be so focused on my immediate family that I will not be too bothered by the loneliness of not having as many easily accessible friendships.

doktorhladnjak 2y ago

> Growing up, making friends was a breeze This is why I already feel doomed in my 40s. It was hard enough when I was younger and it was supposedly easier.

anonzzzies 2y ago

Never made friends easier than in my 40s. I am late 40s now and made a really good friend only last year. I guess the 'secret' is just to talk to anyone at any time: I strike up conversations in the supermarket, when having a coffee etc; I always did. Often ends up having lunch or dinner and goes from there, or not.

deleted 2y ago

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kidneystereotyp 2y ago

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seacos 2y ago

Volunteer. Find an organization that has a good mix of cause you believe in and an activity you enjoy spending your time on. For me, I built emergency housing for people in extreme poverty, I met other amazing volunteers and we'd hang out often outside the social work.

Agraillo 2y ago

This is my speculation through observation, but imho friendship in its pure form is a genetic program. If you're "no longer twenty these days" (semi-quote from Bernie Taupin), you may not remember how it was but just look at any teen company in public transport or elsewhere, it just feels like a single organism. And at that age it doesn't mean whether your views (if there are any) are similar, you're just attracted. Another speculation that this mutation could be tossed several times with different outcomes, like different spans of this attraction. And keeping the strong bonds later in life from the evolution standpoint it wasn't worth it really so the best fit was to narrow it to some period best for survival of both participant (or group)

bware0fsocdmg 2y ago

Friends and people to have fun with are not the same thing. The older you get, the less you trust people because you know what you and those you grew up with have become. You got deep insights into decades of politics, dark patterns in engineering, and fraud and lies everywhere. All that is done by people, who are either like you or not. In any case, it's hard to trust any of them, especially if you have kids and you understand how all these people turned into what they are now. That's up to 13% of the population, I estimate, who, if you are more honest than corrupting (in the worse sense), can simply be dropped after one or two conversations and evenings. Move on as quickly as possible, don't let them occupy any space whatsoever in your mind. Radical honesty, trusting your gut and acting on it when it comes to people and most other things goes a long way and saves you decades of time, brain power, nerves and rewards you with so much peace of mind. If it's not an honest match, fuck it. There's a million other people. But that must not necessarily matter when it's about just having fun. Just a getting a few good licks out of an evening and being human works with anyone. It's in everyone's interest to let shitty people pay for their sexual gratification, though. Their 'bad boy' or 'bad girl'-vibes are just a facade, a charade, a bad act and any intimate time with them is worth much less than the average sex toy.

Fire-Dragon-DoL 2y ago

I made good friends when I was teenager, but once I started working I made a bunch more. Then once I had kids, I made a bunch more, but I share a lot more with the ones from work/school, however the new ones I do share kids, which is an enormous part of my life. The connection with work/school friends is a lot stronger though. I don't find making friends that hard, surprisingly, given I'm an introvert.

acuozzo 2y ago

The biggest issue I have in making & keeping friends is that I'm constantly haunted by my backlog and the fact that I'm time-poor due to having a wife, three children, and a home to maintain. Do I take three hours today to talk to some strangers or do I spend that time fixing my staircase or remediating the mold issue in my upstairs bathroom or do I finally build that STEM kit my 10 year old has been asking me to do with him for the past few weeks?

scotty79 2y ago

... especially if you have schizoid personality.

Borrible 2y ago

That may be the case, but I can't personally confirm it. On the other hand, I have never felt a particular need. There were some or not. They come and they go. It probably also depends on what you want to understand by the term friend.

prettywoman 2y ago

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dv35z 2y ago

Just found a great approach to making friends - it's always been a struggle for me, so sharing this out in case it helps someone. Language Exchanges. Many cities have a regular (Language)/English meetup. Spanish/English, Italian/English, etc. You might have to search a bit, but check Meet-up.com Basically, you go to a bar/cafe, there are tables with flags like "Basic English", "Advanced Spanish". You sit down, introduce yourself, and chit chat! Since I am a native english speaker, I usually start by sitting with English Basic, so I can help people really in need :) then I go find Spanish basic, and will later move go a higher level table when my brain is warmed up. What's great is that (1) everyone wants to learn another language, (2) travel is fun to talk about, (3) This format "fixes the glitch" about going to a bar/cafe solo, and finding it socially challenging to approach new people - having lots of conversations here is the point! The demographic is diverse! Locals, travelers, young & old, a great mix of girls and guys. I'll share my past 2 month journey - because it's actually shocking to me to go from 2'ish years of loneliness-vibes, to within a couple months - meeting some amazing people and getting into a social groove. Language exchange visit #1: Met lots of interesting people. Later the event had a club/dance vibe, ended up dancing with some of the new people I met. That was cool! Since this was in another city and I was traveling, I wasn't able to follow up and hang with the new people I met. Language exchange visit #2: Found on Meet-up. At a loud bar, hard to converse. A regular there told me about another weekly language meetup, in a nearby area. Basically, its a latin dance school which hosts 3 languages exchanges a week. Language exchange visit #3: I found the language learning part great (well structured, rotate tables each 5-10 minutes), the dancing was frustrating. Couldn't understand the dance instructions, felt lost and clumsy in the group setting, I left discouraged a few times - and did't want to go back. Bummed. Met a neighbor of mine, told her about the recent experience. She told me about another regular language exchange, in a farther part of town - and suggested I go. Language exchange visit #4: Great meet up - calm coffee shop / wine bar vibe. I met several people, exchanged contacts. One guy mentioned he's hosting an upcoming holiday party and invited me. I went to it, and it was fun! Some other people from the language exchange were there, so I had a couple of people to talk with at the party. "See you at the language exchange?" - "I'll be there!" Language exchange visit #5. Returned to the previous bar/cafe, greeted by familiar faces (several people remembered my name). I've been trying to get group sports going - and there are padel courts near me (a game similar to pickleball, squash, tennis). The guy partner from a nice couple I met expressed interest in playing padel - so I thought it would be a good way to expand the friendship vibes, and lean into social / fitness / fun activity, rather than "let's get a drink" Me and the guy booked a padel court, and had a ton of fun playing. Near the end of the game, he mentioned - Man, we should do this weekly! The following week, we scheduled another padel session. My new padel buddy asked if he could invite a few friends to join us play (with padel, you can do 1v1 or 2v2 people). Sure! That padel game was so much fun! 4 dudes on a court, with no ideas the rules of the game, just having a blast keeping the ball going back and forth. Felt like teenagers again! While taking break between games, I got an invite to a small-gathering holiday dinner party. I had been planning to have a solo night with the dogs, but wanted to actually spend time with good people too. The holiday party was last night, and tons of fun! Work-wise, got an immediate benefit. At the padel game, when doing the "what do you do for work" convo, I mentioned I'm a software developer / entrepreneur, and help people build their dream thing. One of the guys asked if we could meet up for coffee and talk through his business idea, which is happening this weekend... Since I'm on entrepreneur mode - and that's been challenging - this was validation that the group sports / work pathway seems pretty good. Healthy active people with good ideas / important problems - hoping it will lead to some great clients/projects/opportunities. I hope this inspires someone to give language exchange meet-ups a try, and also to lean into fun social group sports.

mensetmanusman 2y ago

Community is showing up. Anywhere, weekly. Only the most profound reason for doing so will create a multigenerational community. But there are smaller shorter lasting communities you can string together if you would like.