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I'm afraid this poor guy will be besieged by people who heard about a vacancy in San Francisco. I've unfortunately had my share of dead friends and relatives.

I'm afraid this poor guy will be besieged by people who heard about a vacancy in San Francisco. I've unfortunately had my share of dead friends and relatives. I wish I could say that it somehow has made me stronger, more mature, but I'm afraid that the opposite is more true. Each is a trauma that I never entirely recover from. They make the world more bleak, confusing, cold, scary. And it makes it harder to comfort people, to speak the lie, "everything will be alright, with time." It can be, but it isn't a conveyer belt. If you get there it's under your own power.

eleveriven 3y ago
When you lose someone close, time doesn't heal you; time helps to fill the emptiness... You just forget the feeling of constant sadness and longing for that person. But as soon as you smell the summer rain or the scent of freshly baked bread, your sadness overwhelms you again
- AnimalMuppet 3y ago
  I lost my dad just under two years ago. After a few months, I described my situation as "I'm no longer bleeding, but the wound still hurts if something bumps it." I notice it getting bumped less now, and it hurts less when it does. It still hurts at times, though. Note well: I wasn't super close to my dad. This may not apply to someone you were really close to. (For that matter, it may not apply at all - people are different.)
baq 3y ago
After getting philosophical one evening I came to the conclusion that 'bleak, scary and just plainly shit' is the default state of any particular person's mood and this is how the whole humanity evolved. Happiness and bliss are what you're chasing after, not what you're supposed to be - if you're permanently happy, you've diverged from the mean and either are an exception or overdue for a mean reversal. That is in itself a rather bleak and scary outlook but I least I feel honest with myself. The human species won by being full of sad people, some of who fought the environment to be slightly happier for a while.
- schrectacular 3y ago
  I have a feeling you might enjoy this conversation: https://www.econtalk.org/a-users-guide-to-our-emotional-thermostat-with-adam-mastroianni/ https://www.econtalk.org/a-users-guide-to-our-emotional-ther... You are not alone in that path of thought. I think that yes, happiness is fleeting, but I tend to think something like satisfaction or contentedness is within reach for many people. Because people aren't going around being actively sad I don't think either. It seems like most folks (and research backs it up) are "getting by" so to speak. Not elated but also not constantly mopey or whatever. Anyway I think it's a deep and interesting introspective path you've taken.
  - lazide 3y ago
    Another thought - feelings/emotions are always relative; and will show up on a distribution naturally. Even in the trenches of WW1 there were smiles sometimes.
- int_19h 3y ago
  What did the human species win?
silverquiet 3y ago
So sleep tight kids… I think this is why religion is so important and I say that as someone who is incapable of believing in any.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- ShamelessC 3y ago
  Well since those two things are at odds and you haven’t explained your stance more, your comment effectively serves as flamebait.
  - JKCalhoun 3y ago
    I thought it made sense. Religion is the salve that I wish would work for me.
  - silverquiet 3y ago
    No flaming intended. It’s pretty much just a joke about the existential dread that I (and presumably the GP) have built up over a lifetime. I presume it’s why we craft happy stories for children who we’ve deemed too young to learn about harsh realities. Alternatively, people find a lot of comfort in religion, but it’s not something that’s ever worked for me. So I like to joke about it.
    - drekipus 3y ago
      The stories are designed to teach children about harsh realities, not too gloss over them. Religion too, is just a collection of those stories into a larger moral framework. Try reading more
  - em-bee 3y ago
    incapable of believing is different from refusing or being unwilling to believe. even some of those who do believe in god sometimes have doubts, and here is someone who (i imagine) thinks that it would be nice if there was a god, but they just can't see how it could possibly be true, given many things they see in contradiction. so no, wanting something to be true, but not being able to believe it to be true are not at odds at all. in this context you may also consider pascal's wager. the key is to keep searching for the truth, and to investigate the claims that various religions make until you find one that does work for you.
mcmoor 3y ago
A bit more general, I think the same about habits. "Everything will be alright, with time", or in this case "everyday it gets easier, but you gotta do it everyday" is a lie, it isn't a conveyer belt. If you get there it's under your own power.
hackernewds 3y ago
> this poor guy will be besieged by people who heard about a vacancy in San Francisco. I struggle to believe this
s1artibartfast 3y ago
I have experienced a few deaths and think they have made me stronger, more mature, and wiser. One very recently that was completely unexpected. My recommendation, take it or leave it, is don't speak the lie.
mise_en_place 3y ago
There are many sycophants who appear out of the woodwork when a close relative or friend dies. In their mind, they’re not taking advantage of you. They’re helping you, but would you mind if they move their things to your dead relative’s house? Be very cautious of everyone, greed corrupts and taints even noble men, and supposedly ironclad relationships.
- MichaelZuo 3y ago
  By definition the vast majority of relatives of the vast majority of people are just average in virtue, or not too far off. Expecting more than one or two to demonstrate something more is already a pretty high bar.
sfjailbird 3y ago
I have had several very close family members die, and had to clean out their stuff. That is always the weirdest part. Looking through things that they had hung on to, which have absolutely no meaning to anyone else, and are just thrown in the trash. Or the things that show that they were obviously not expecting to die, like the groceries, or some book they were writing. It has changed my perspective, and not in a bad way. It has inspired me to live more in, and appreciate, the here and now. Though I do think faith in something beyond this life does make a big difference in how we are able to cope.
tekla 3y ago
Its always so fascinating to see people who have a such a shitty relationship with death. Everyone dies.
irjustin 3y ago
I'm late and not sure who will read this, but I've ended up at the "why do we have kids?" question. Honestly speaking from someone who has 2 beautiful little girls and very squarely middle class life with all its ups and downs. I've recently, but slowly mentally shifted towards being a nihilist. There are so many things to live for, I agree, but at the same time there's like a 10:1 ratio of why living sucks. My privilege, I feel, brings that closer to 1:1 but I'm pretty far from the median/bulk of the world's population. Most of the world struggles - constantly. If life isn't enjoyable (very hedonist) why do we bother producing offspring who will be forced to endure "life"? Why does it matter that the human race survives? I'm not the first to ask this, definitely not. I'm just sort of here and am unsure where to go next.
- nsm 3y ago
  Every generation brings us closer to a day where we can actually eliminate suffering?
  - eleveriven 3y ago
    It's better to see the world development in that way
- yowlingcat 3y ago
  It's probably good to approach nihilism from a skeptic's angle. Think about who nihilism serves and creates profit for; the perfect consumer is a nihilistic consumer. Nihilism and hedonism are ironically linked at the hip. What snapped me out of my nihilist arc was that whether or not life made any sense or had any purpose (and I wasn't sure at the time that it did), I certainly preferred to be as much as possible "my own tool" rather than someone else's. Yes, most of the world struggles constantly and has struggled forever. But I am the result of that struggle that made it this far, as are we all. The best I can do is keep that survival going, and maybe make the world a little closer to a less idiotic and brutish reality than the one I entered. That requires an intense dose humility. I am not going to change the way everything works all at once, but to view things as all or nothing somewhat entails believing that I have a lot more power than any one person does. That's unrealistic. If I more realistically instead "think local" then my actions really do matter, even if it's on the microscopic scale rather than macroscopic scale. And surprisingly enough, thinking and acting on the microscopic scale has proven in my experience to have a funny way of creating macroscopic effects if iterated consistently over time.

eleveriven 3y ago

When you lose someone close, time doesn't heal you; time helps to fill the emptiness... You just forget the feeling of constant sadness and longing for that person. But as soon as you smell the summer rain or the scent of freshly baked bread, your sadness overwhelms you again

AnimalMuppet 3y ago
I lost my dad just under two years ago. After a few months, I described my situation as "I'm no longer bleeding, but the wound still hurts if something bumps it." I notice it getting bumped less now, and it hurts less when it does. It still hurts at times, though. Note well: I wasn't super close to my dad. This may not apply to someone you were really close to. (For that matter, it may not apply at all - people are different.)

baq 3y ago

After getting philosophical one evening I came to the conclusion that 'bleak, scary and just plainly shit' is the default state of any particular person's mood and this is how the whole humanity evolved. Happiness and bliss are what you're chasing after, not what you're supposed to be - if you're permanently happy, you've diverged from the mean and either are an exception or overdue for a mean reversal. That is in itself a rather bleak and scary outlook but I least I feel honest with myself. The human species won by being full of sad people, some of who fought the environment to be slightly happier for a while.

schrectacular 3y ago
I have a feeling you might enjoy this conversation: https://www.econtalk.org/a-users-guide-to-our-emotional-thermostat-with-adam-mastroianni/ https://www.econtalk.org/a-users-guide-to-our-emotional-ther... You are not alone in that path of thought. I think that yes, happiness is fleeting, but I tend to think something like satisfaction or contentedness is within reach for many people. Because people aren't going around being actively sad I don't think either. It seems like most folks (and research backs it up) are "getting by" so to speak. Not elated but also not constantly mopey or whatever. Anyway I think it's a deep and interesting introspective path you've taken.
- lazide 3y ago
  Another thought - feelings/emotions are always relative; and will show up on a distribution naturally. Even in the trenches of WW1 there were smiles sometimes.
int_19h 3y ago
What did the human species win?

silverquiet 3y ago

So sleep tight kids… I think this is why religion is so important and I say that as someone who is incapable of believing in any.

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
ShamelessC 3y ago
Well since those two things are at odds and you haven’t explained your stance more, your comment effectively serves as flamebait.
- JKCalhoun 3y ago
  I thought it made sense. Religion is the salve that I wish would work for me.
- silverquiet 3y ago
  No flaming intended. It’s pretty much just a joke about the existential dread that I (and presumably the GP) have built up over a lifetime. I presume it’s why we craft happy stories for children who we’ve deemed too young to learn about harsh realities. Alternatively, people find a lot of comfort in religion, but it’s not something that’s ever worked for me. So I like to joke about it.
  - drekipus 3y ago
    The stories are designed to teach children about harsh realities, not too gloss over them. Religion too, is just a collection of those stories into a larger moral framework. Try reading more
- em-bee 3y ago
  incapable of believing is different from refusing or being unwilling to believe. even some of those who do believe in god sometimes have doubts, and here is someone who (i imagine) thinks that it would be nice if there was a god, but they just can't see how it could possibly be true, given many things they see in contradiction. so no, wanting something to be true, but not being able to believe it to be true are not at odds at all. in this context you may also consider pascal's wager. the key is to keep searching for the truth, and to investigate the claims that various religions make until you find one that does work for you.

mcmoor 3y ago

A bit more general, I think the same about habits. "Everything will be alright, with time", or in this case "everyday it gets easier, but you gotta do it everyday" is a lie, it isn't a conveyer belt. If you get there it's under your own power.

hackernewds 3y ago

> this poor guy will be besieged by people who heard about a vacancy in San Francisco. I struggle to believe this

s1artibartfast 3y ago

I have experienced a few deaths and think they have made me stronger, more mature, and wiser. One very recently that was completely unexpected. My recommendation, take it or leave it, is don't speak the lie.

mise_en_place 3y ago

There are many sycophants who appear out of the woodwork when a close relative or friend dies. In their mind, they’re not taking advantage of you. They’re helping you, but would you mind if they move their things to your dead relative’s house? Be very cautious of everyone, greed corrupts and taints even noble men, and supposedly ironclad relationships.

MichaelZuo 3y ago
By definition the vast majority of relatives of the vast majority of people are just average in virtue, or not too far off. Expecting more than one or two to demonstrate something more is already a pretty high bar.

sfjailbird 3y ago

I have had several very close family members die, and had to clean out their stuff. That is always the weirdest part. Looking through things that they had hung on to, which have absolutely no meaning to anyone else, and are just thrown in the trash. Or the things that show that they were obviously not expecting to die, like the groceries, or some book they were writing. It has changed my perspective, and not in a bad way. It has inspired me to live more in, and appreciate, the here and now. Though I do think faith in something beyond this life does make a big difference in how we are able to cope.

tekla 3y ago

Its always so fascinating to see people who have a such a shitty relationship with death. Everyone dies.

irjustin 3y ago

I'm late and not sure who will read this, but I've ended up at the "why do we have kids?" question. Honestly speaking from someone who has 2 beautiful little girls and very squarely middle class life with all its ups and downs. I've recently, but slowly mentally shifted towards being a nihilist. There are so many things to live for, I agree, but at the same time there's like a 10:1 ratio of why living sucks. My privilege, I feel, brings that closer to 1:1 but I'm pretty far from the median/bulk of the world's population. Most of the world struggles - constantly. If life isn't enjoyable (very hedonist) why do we bother producing offspring who will be forced to endure "life"? Why does it matter that the human race survives? I'm not the first to ask this, definitely not. I'm just sort of here and am unsure where to go next.

nsm 3y ago
Every generation brings us closer to a day where we can actually eliminate suffering?
- eleveriven 3y ago
  It's better to see the world development in that way
yowlingcat 3y ago
It's probably good to approach nihilism from a skeptic's angle. Think about who nihilism serves and creates profit for; the perfect consumer is a nihilistic consumer. Nihilism and hedonism are ironically linked at the hip. What snapped me out of my nihilist arc was that whether or not life made any sense or had any purpose (and I wasn't sure at the time that it did), I certainly preferred to be as much as possible "my own tool" rather than someone else's. Yes, most of the world struggles constantly and has struggled forever. But I am the result of that struggle that made it this far, as are we all. The best I can do is keep that survival going, and maybe make the world a little closer to a less idiotic and brutish reality than the one I entered. That requires an intense dose humility. I am not going to change the way everything works all at once, but to view things as all or nothing somewhat entails believing that I have a lot more power than any one person does. That's unrealistic. If I more realistically instead "think local" then my actions really do matter, even if it's on the microscopic scale rather than macroscopic scale. And surprisingly enough, thinking and acting on the microscopic scale has proven in my experience to have a funny way of creating macroscopic effects if iterated consistently over time.