5 ms·

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

tobinfricke 3y ago
You must not live in San Francisco!
- foobarchu 3y ago
  Doesn't that support their point? If its mostly just more popular in a relatively small, famously progressive area, then has it really gotten that much more popular? IMO we're still at the stage where the localized waves of ENM could see a heavy backlash as a lot of the participants who are pressured into it start to reverse course and leave those relationships. I myself know one Midwest couple with an open marriage, and it's pretty clear from speaking to them that it was a one sided deal. Note: I am not saying all ENM relationships are based on pressure, but frankly many are, and that's not sustainable.
ruined 3y ago
Statistically, you've met many. So either they just didn't feel the need to bring it up, or they felt a specific need to avoid the subject in front of you.
- Eridrus 3y ago
  Based on what statistics?
  - deleted 3y ago
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- spinach 3y ago
  What statistic? A national one? Because the variation from place to place would be drastic, like comparing rural to urban, and the various politics and cultures that have more hold over different cities. I wouldn't say that a national statistic could say much about one single place or person's experience.
voidwtf 3y ago
Pretty common in the Tampa area, but it's definitely an iykyk type of thing. If you don't pass the vibe check it's not something that will be brought up in casual discussion.
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- MichaelZuo 3y ago
  What is 'an iykyk type of thing"?
  - tbrownaw 3y ago
    "if you know, you know" Which from context apparently means it's secretly everywhere, and just can't be measured because outsiders aren't told. (I usually just see that phrase in reference to in-jokes.)
  - voidwtf 3y ago
    iykyk is shorthand for "if you know, you know", and I just mean that groups tend to grow around or inclusive of certain subcultures. So people in a given lifestyle are more likely to associate with other people who are at least familiar with that lifestyle. Imagine it like a Venn diagram. I don't go out of my way to spend time around, or make friends with, people who would judge me for my lifestyle.
- TheNewsIsHere 3y ago
  This has been my experience. I used to be in a particular industry, within which I was introduced to the concepts of polyamory, swinging, and general ethical non-monogamy. It was fairly common within areas of that industry, which is ironic because it could be rather conservative generally, but there were little bubbles where it seemed the “free spirited” would gravitate toward.
zoklet-enjoyer 3y ago
I've met a few here in Fargo, ND. More than when I lived in Tacoma, WA. Relatively large community of poly/swingers in Fargo.
magospietato 3y ago
While not polyamory, a locum nurse at my daughter's first vaccination spent a lot of time telling us about the weird inseminatory/co-parenting setup he and his husband had with a lesbian couple. Like, a lot more time than the actual vaccination we turned up for took. As is typical of British health care we'd waited a good 45 minutes after arriving on time for our appointment (at 9 AM), and I really couldn't help wondering if the delays were down to him. TL;DR I am often tempted to think the very vocal nature is the intention, rather than the subject they're vocal about.
jzb 3y ago
It’s popular compared to 20-30 years ago. I have a number of friends who are poly, one of my siblings was for a few years before meeting a partner who wasn’t. But folks may not mention it to you until you’re at a certain level of friendship. I remember a couple I knew who disclosed after a few months.
- lumost 3y ago
  That’s probably related to the decline in swinger culture following no-fault divorce. I have to wonder if the recent resurgence is related to some social or economic effect driving couples to stick it out when they otherwise wouldn’t.
  - jzb 3y ago
    I wonder why people search for reasons other than some people find poly relationships more suited to them, end of story. I’m married, I’m not looking for a poly arrangement - but I can totally understand the idea that a mono relationship just isn’t what someone wants. I think it’s possible to love more than one person, romantically, or that a successful relationship doesn’t have to mean until one person dies.
giantg2 3y ago
I agree - it doesn't seem popular at all. I do know a couple of people who are poly. I am disappointed there were not better stats in the article. So about 50% say open marriages are acceptable, and about 20% say they've experimented with non-monogamy. But how many are actually in a poly relationship? How does that compare to the past? They list a lot of movie references to poly relations, but what does that have to do with anything? Is it popular for people to become John Wick, Rambo, etc in real life? I think not. Perhaps they enjoy the idea of being a bad ass, vigilante, etc and watching those movies, but many people understand the downsides and that some fantasies should stay fantasies. The same thing for how many things in porn are great as a fantasy, but not things that the person wants to do in real life. There are many similarities to fantastical ideas that many have of non-monogamus relationships.
- voidwtf 3y ago
  I think it would have been more accurate to say that ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has become more popular. The only statistics I've seen seem to support that conclusion. I've not seen any statistics that seem to indicate polyamory specifically is dominating that trend though.
  - giantg2 3y ago
    Can you provide those? A search only shows about 4-5% currently involved, but nothing about that value over time.
    - voidwtf 3y ago
      Unfortunately the data seems to be limited, and quite poor, at this time. I'm guessing this probably stems both from under reporting due to societal stigmas and due to a lack of research. However, I found the following meta-analysis that appears to indicate an increase in interest over the past decade and a half. You may be able to access these articles through you're local library for free, or if you have a subscription. I do not have a subscription at this time so I'm unable to retrieve the full details. I previously looked into this topic in 2011 when I was still a psych undergrad, there appears to be more research since then. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fcfp0000074 https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fcfp0000074 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1... https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001890 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X2... A survey from YouGov in 2016 and again in 2020 appears to indicate non-monogamy is a growing preference among millennials. https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/27639-millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/27639-millennials-...
orwin 3y ago
Yes, probably. I'd say between 5 and 10% of the people i've met have been at least once in a non-monogamous situation. I used to be too, but it did not last long. Probably the numbers are at least twice as high, it's not something you just tell people.
jkmcf 3y ago
I’ve met a few. They didn’t work out long term, but I don’t know if it was the polyamory at fault… Theoretically, it sounds great, but in practice it seems very hard unless your bond is better than most couples’.
- more_corn 3y ago
  I know two couples who are in long-term, serious, open relationships. The couple I’m closest to does a lot of therapy style processing (weekly) which sounds like it might make the whole thing more trouble than it’s worth. But they seem happy and stable so who am I to question?
Unbefleckt 3y ago
I've met a few, but they're always in weird dysfunctional relationships in which one of them is very sexual and wants more than their partner, and their partner is hopelessly in love with this person and will do absolutely anything for fear of losing them. It's vaguely abusive.
- theklr 3y ago
  This is my ancedata as well. It’s usually used as a proxy to prevent divorce. Those who are actually poly it’s a lot of over communication and a lot of syncing of calendars.
stt2422 3y ago
Fwiw,I live in the Boston area, and I think I can count the number of monogamous people I know, who aren't my family, on my fingers. I was talking to a friend recently about how few people in our social circles are monogamous, and named the two monogamous couples I've been socializing with them most over the last year, and she informed me that she had been dated one person in each of those couples in the last 6 months. As it turned out I assumed they were monogamous because they are more of my idea of a traditional monogamous couple when ove hung out with them, but they both date and play with other people.

tobinfricke 3y ago

You must not live in San Francisco!

foobarchu 3y ago
Doesn't that support their point? If its mostly just more popular in a relatively small, famously progressive area, then has it really gotten that much more popular? IMO we're still at the stage where the localized waves of ENM could see a heavy backlash as a lot of the participants who are pressured into it start to reverse course and leave those relationships. I myself know one Midwest couple with an open marriage, and it's pretty clear from speaking to them that it was a one sided deal. Note: I am not saying all ENM relationships are based on pressure, but frankly many are, and that's not sustainable.

ruined 3y ago

Statistically, you've met many. So either they just didn't feel the need to bring it up, or they felt a specific need to avoid the subject in front of you.

Eridrus 3y ago
Based on what statistics?
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
spinach 3y ago
What statistic? A national one? Because the variation from place to place would be drastic, like comparing rural to urban, and the various politics and cultures that have more hold over different cities. I wouldn't say that a national statistic could say much about one single place or person's experience.

voidwtf 3y ago

Pretty common in the Tampa area, but it's definitely an iykyk type of thing. If you don't pass the vibe check it's not something that will be brought up in casual discussion.

deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
MichaelZuo 3y ago
What is 'an iykyk type of thing"?
- tbrownaw 3y ago
  "if you know, you know" Which from context apparently means it's secretly everywhere, and just can't be measured because outsiders aren't told. (I usually just see that phrase in reference to in-jokes.)
- voidwtf 3y ago
  iykyk is shorthand for "if you know, you know", and I just mean that groups tend to grow around or inclusive of certain subcultures. So people in a given lifestyle are more likely to associate with other people who are at least familiar with that lifestyle. Imagine it like a Venn diagram. I don't go out of my way to spend time around, or make friends with, people who would judge me for my lifestyle.
TheNewsIsHere 3y ago
This has been my experience. I used to be in a particular industry, within which I was introduced to the concepts of polyamory, swinging, and general ethical non-monogamy. It was fairly common within areas of that industry, which is ironic because it could be rather conservative generally, but there were little bubbles where it seemed the “free spirited” would gravitate toward.

zoklet-enjoyer 3y ago

I've met a few here in Fargo, ND. More than when I lived in Tacoma, WA. Relatively large community of poly/swingers in Fargo.

magospietato 3y ago

While not polyamory, a locum nurse at my daughter's first vaccination spent a lot of time telling us about the weird inseminatory/co-parenting setup he and his husband had with a lesbian couple. Like, a lot more time than the actual vaccination we turned up for took. As is typical of British health care we'd waited a good 45 minutes after arriving on time for our appointment (at 9 AM), and I really couldn't help wondering if the delays were down to him. TL;DR I am often tempted to think the very vocal nature is the intention, rather than the subject they're vocal about.

jzb 3y ago

It’s popular compared to 20-30 years ago. I have a number of friends who are poly, one of my siblings was for a few years before meeting a partner who wasn’t. But folks may not mention it to you until you’re at a certain level of friendship. I remember a couple I knew who disclosed after a few months.

lumost 3y ago
That’s probably related to the decline in swinger culture following no-fault divorce. I have to wonder if the recent resurgence is related to some social or economic effect driving couples to stick it out when they otherwise wouldn’t.
- jzb 3y ago
  I wonder why people search for reasons other than some people find poly relationships more suited to them, end of story. I’m married, I’m not looking for a poly arrangement - but I can totally understand the idea that a mono relationship just isn’t what someone wants. I think it’s possible to love more than one person, romantically, or that a successful relationship doesn’t have to mean until one person dies.

giantg2 3y ago

I agree - it doesn't seem popular at all. I do know a couple of people who are poly. I am disappointed there were not better stats in the article. So about 50% say open marriages are acceptable, and about 20% say they've experimented with non-monogamy. But how many are actually in a poly relationship? How does that compare to the past? They list a lot of movie references to poly relations, but what does that have to do with anything? Is it popular for people to become John Wick, Rambo, etc in real life? I think not. Perhaps they enjoy the idea of being a bad ass, vigilante, etc and watching those movies, but many people understand the downsides and that some fantasies should stay fantasies. The same thing for how many things in porn are great as a fantasy, but not things that the person wants to do in real life. There are many similarities to fantastical ideas that many have of non-monogamus relationships.

voidwtf 3y ago
I think it would have been more accurate to say that ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has become more popular. The only statistics I've seen seem to support that conclusion. I've not seen any statistics that seem to indicate polyamory specifically is dominating that trend though.
- giantg2 3y ago
  Can you provide those? A search only shows about 4-5% currently involved, but nothing about that value over time.
  - voidwtf 3y ago
    Unfortunately the data seems to be limited, and quite poor, at this time. I'm guessing this probably stems both from under reporting due to societal stigmas and due to a lack of research. However, I found the following meta-analysis that appears to indicate an increase in interest over the past decade and a half. You may be able to access these articles through you're local library for free, or if you have a subscription. I do not have a subscription at this time so I'm unable to retrieve the full details. I previously looked into this topic in 2011 when I was still a psych undergrad, there appears to be more research since then. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fcfp0000074 https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fcfp0000074 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675 https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1... https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X22001890 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X2... A survey from YouGov in 2016 and again in 2020 appears to indicate non-monogamy is a growing preference among millennials. https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/27639-millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/27639-millennials-...

orwin 3y ago

Yes, probably. I'd say between 5 and 10% of the people i've met have been at least once in a non-monogamous situation. I used to be too, but it did not last long. Probably the numbers are at least twice as high, it's not something you just tell people.

jkmcf 3y ago

I’ve met a few. They didn’t work out long term, but I don’t know if it was the polyamory at fault… Theoretically, it sounds great, but in practice it seems very hard unless your bond is better than most couples’.

more_corn 3y ago
I know two couples who are in long-term, serious, open relationships. The couple I’m closest to does a lot of therapy style processing (weekly) which sounds like it might make the whole thing more trouble than it’s worth. But they seem happy and stable so who am I to question?

Unbefleckt 3y ago

I've met a few, but they're always in weird dysfunctional relationships in which one of them is very sexual and wants more than their partner, and their partner is hopelessly in love with this person and will do absolutely anything for fear of losing them. It's vaguely abusive.

theklr 3y ago
This is my ancedata as well. It’s usually used as a proxy to prevent divorce. Those who are actually poly it’s a lot of over communication and a lot of syncing of calendars.

stt2422 3y ago

Fwiw,I live in the Boston area, and I think I can count the number of monogamous people I know, who aren't my family, on my fingers. I was talking to a friend recently about how few people in our social circles are monogamous, and named the two monogamous couples I've been socializing with them most over the last year, and she informed me that she had been dated one person in each of those couples in the last 6 months. As it turned out I assumed they were monogamous because they are more of my idea of a traditional monogamous couple when ove hung out with them, but they both date and play with other people.