11 ms·

I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually kno

I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. That’s probably the ideal scenario if it turns out to be mutual. But it’s human nature that the vast majority of the time it will be one-sided on the guy’s part. So you’ve got to somehow maintain a social scene with enough single women to make even one match plausible for you, while those women are constantly inundated with unwanted attention and feelings from the guys in the group, without the group either splintering or developing social norms that prohibit romantic overtures. That’s asking for some incredibly robust social technology in an era where we should be grateful that any kind of IRL social scene even exists.

caeril 3y ago
> Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable You are absolutely correct here, but the primary problem with this is that a combination of sexual harassment statutes, #metoo movements, and generalized "women don't ever want to be approached" zeitgeist has closed this avenue off. This avenue is generally still available if you follow the two rules, but if you do not, it's over for you. Church is probably the only exception to this, but with drastically increasing secularization of society, good luck with that.
- kjellsbells 3y ago
  > a combination of sexual harassment statutes, #metoo movements, and generalized "women don't ever want to be approached" zeitgeist has closed this avenue off. Wait, what? This reads like the classic boomer complaint that is hard to get to know women when you can't slap their ass in the office any more. "No one can take a joke any more, etc etc" Women are not a monolithic voting bloc. Some will respond to approaches that repel or bore others. The only way to know is to get to know them as people first and potential romantic partners second. This is why a social scene, or in some cultures, extended clan gatherings, is so important: you see someone in a relaxed setting and can make some assessment of their personality and values. This also means that it takes time. I don't want to say that we should all go back to the weird heteronormative 1950s, but using as many social networks as possible, including unusual ones, is essential. As an older dude who has seen the games that young men play at work, I understand that the hormonal drive for guys is absolutely saturating, but you will fail and fail again if you think that #metoo stops you. If it did, you were misbehaving to start with.
  - pierat 3y ago
    > Wait, what? This reads like the classic boomer complaint that is hard to get to know women when you can't slap their ass in the office any more. "No one can take a joke any more, etc etc" No, it's the extremism that's a problem. Men went towards TheRedPill and similar idiots. And especially the younger millennial women and younger have seen this garbage for what it is. However the pendulum swings to compensate. I've heard recently from quite a few places the old radical quote from 2nd wave "sex is always rape because of patriarchal power imbalance". I've also slapped precisely 0 butts in the workplace. Nor have I said the usual shitty "women do _" things. But the problem is so many younger generations's women are overly on guard. Hell, I've had them (at work) ask "don't I look good?", seeking attention. I flatly said that I don't make comments on appearance of men or women. If I wasn't already with someone, I'd likely be with nobody. It's too toxic out there as a man or someone who presents as a man.
    - johnnyanmac 3y ago
      >If I wasn't already with someone, I'd likely be with nobody. How did you end up getting with someone in that case?
      - pierat 3y ago
        It was pretty much complete luck, on both our sides. Neither of us were looking for relationships, or sex, or whatever. We've never done any dating apps. We met literally in the Starbucks line. Conversation started up, we both had time and sat down for coffee. It just went from there. We've been together for 10y. Would it happen like that or similar again to either of us? Nope. Nor is it repeatable.
        johnnyanmac 3y ago
        I see. Indeed very much happenstance. Still it gives me a tiny shred of hope and encourages me to just keep stepping outside even when I don't fully feel like it. If there's some chance encounter where I can find a great friend or even a partner, I don't want to squander it being stuck alone in the house if I can help it.
- closeparen 3y ago
  The legal and political concepts of sexual harassment come into play in contexts where women can’t just leave (workplace, industry). I don’t think you get fired or sued or arrested for asking someone out at soccer or pottery class or running club. But women might not want to be in environments where that keeps happening, and those groups might develop taboos in order to survive.
  - andrei_says_ 3y ago
    Asking out is ok but asking out repeatedly or insisting on any other way may make the venue uncomfortable for both people and thus force one to leave their hobby, friends etc.
    - DiggyJohnson 3y ago
      I feel like you’re restating, or at least stating, the obvious takeaway: don’t ask out repeatedly or insist. It’s okay to ask, but learn to take a hint.
      - andrei_says_ 3y ago
        What I’m also present to is the additional risk of post-rejection awkwardness while sharing the same community long term. My communities are very valuable to me which makes such an endeavor high stakes. So I thread lightly.
        DiggyJohnson 3y ago
        Yes, there’s always that. It’s always less risky to not express these things, but there’s a world of difference between the risk of embarrassment that comes with rejection, and losing an entire community. Avoiding catastrophe is a skill, and I think it comes with balancing self-confidence / charisma with learning to take the hint, among other things.
        andrei_says_ 3y ago
- tester756 3y ago
  >#metoo movements, and generalized "women don't ever want to be approached" zeitgeist It (the extreme of what you're writing about) exists only on the internet. Just turn off twitter and you'll realize those things do not exist at the scale that you think
  - samtho 3y ago
    And where it does exist, it’s usually someone exploiting power and/or access to another person, e.g. superiors in the workplace taking advantage of subordinates, customers being inappropriate to servers and not understanding or caring that it’s their job to serve them and their advances are not welcome, that weird/obsessed guy in your greater friend circle that you never want to be alone with, etc. Respectful advances in places where both people are on equal footing and there are not external pressures, have never been seen as off limits as far as I am aware.
    - alphaddx 3y ago
      That's the negative behaviour the movements were trying to address but young men interpreted it as women not wanting to be approached by them at all. That's the message social media is giving.
  - johnnyanmac 3y ago
    It's an extreme but a dangerous permanent extreme. It's not like the risk of riding a bike and breaking your leg. Legs heal.vYour reputation doesn't, especially if your hobby or career requires an online presence. Twitter aside, there is a general post COVID feeling of "coldness" out there in my anecdotal experience. It's kinda always been that way given me being in a big city (or at least, within driving distance of one), but even small talk seems to have diminished these days. Forget women, people in general just seem less interested to wave hello unless you're at a very specific function.
    - userinanother 3y ago
      As a straight male I’ve always found dating men for friendship was a lot harder than dating women
- electrondood 3y ago
  This sounds like a toxic incel point of view. If you talk to women like they're human beings instead of bizarre creatures that you need to manipulate into mating, this doesn't actually happen.
- scarface_74 3y ago
  This sounds very incellish. It’s not considered sexual harrasment to politely gauge interest and immediately back off when you see the signs they aren’t interested.
  - mcpackieh 3y ago
    My father asked my mother out 5 times before she said yes. They've now been married for 45 years. Maybe if I tried that kind of perseverance it would work, or maybe the second ask would get me labeled and witch hunted by somebody like you who would then try to ruin my life for it.
    - scarface_74 3y ago
      You should definitely not ask someone out five times at their place of employment after they have said no. At school? At church? Maybe
      - mcpackieh 3y ago
        You didn't make an exception for school, nor did the comment you replied to. The only exception they cited was church and you didn't add any yourself until now. And why is school an exception to you, but work is not? Both are places people "have to be", places where people go to do something other than flirt and where they might feel trapped in a social situation they can't easily get out of. How is "my coworker asked me out twice but I still have to work with him" different from "my co-student asked me out twice but I still have to go to class with him"? There's no meaningful difference here, particularly if you're a grad student. But I guess you'll now say that undergrads are allowed to ask somebody twice, but grad students must not ask more than once? Or maybe you'll just insult me and tell me to be miserable quietly like other people in this discussion already have.
        scarface_74 3y ago
        Because work places in one place where you must interact with your coworkers to do your job. The bar is a lot lower for what constitutes harassment There is a certain level of professional conduct that people expect in a professional setting that’s not there in school. Also, I would be very wary of approaching someone at the gym who was working out. I use to teach at gyms part time when I was single. Women would have to really start the conversation with me before I would make any move.
episiarch 3y ago
I can't see how any of this makes sense. There are not a lot more eligible men than there are eligible women. Interest in relationships is not constrained in any way to "guys". I think you have an alignment problem.
- ruiisnwn 3y ago
  [dead]
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- yodsanklai 3y ago
  The situation for men and women in dating isn't symmetric.
  - gtech1 3y ago
    Of course not. Alpha males command the most attention
userinanother 3y ago
It works because you can do high volume screening quickly. In theory online dating was supposed to speed that up even more increasing volume and improving results. Unfortunately the online screening was too fast and you end up over screening and throwing away too many potential matches and selecting bad candidates because Most people aren’t actually sure what they want.
- xedrac 3y ago
  You need to spend time with someone to build a relationship, but that takes a lot of effort, patience, and vulnerability, especially when you're starting from zero. But actively participating in various interest groups and other social circles is not a bad way to start.
  - userinanother 3y ago
    Depends on your interests… If your interest is FPS gaming and you are a straight male it’s probably not a good spot. If you have an interest in sewing then maybe odds are you your favor. Still just common interests isn’t enough dating takes active effort like work it does not magically happen for most
    - r00fus 3y ago
      You can have multiple interests. Selecting one or two that are gender balanced in your favor might be a good idea and builds character.
- danenania 3y ago
  I think it mainly has to do with women's screening process. Women have to ignore or immediately filter out 90%+ of matches/messages online because they get so many. But if a man approaches a woman in person, they are at least going to be looked at and considered. It's a hack for getting to the front of a long queue. In person also allows for demonstrating qualities that aren't apparent in a profile. People's vibes are often very different in person vs. online. A man approaching a woman irl signals courage and confidence in itself if done non-awkwardly, so that also gives a guy a leg up over a bunch of dating profiles that are unknown quantities. Disclaimer: married for 9 years so this is all theoretical
randycupertino 3y ago
> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. That’s probably the ideal scenario if it turns out to be mutual. I think meeting people in shared-activity groups is the best bet. You already know your interests align and you enjoy the same things. My old triathlon club would have like 6 weddings every year. Turns out getting to know people over 80-mile bike rides is a great way to learn about someone.
- capableweb 3y ago
  There is something about doing physical activity with others, that make others more likely to open up as well, so you can have a bit deeper conversations. Maybe it's related to the dopamine you release or something.
- johnnyanmac 3y ago
  And thars the downside of being a nerd or even a jock. As a male you don't really meet (heterosexual) romantic partners doing stuff guys traditionally like. I've been to a bunch of tech/gaming meetups and can count the number of women there on my hands. And none were single either. Probably because they dated and found someone on an online app. Of course I still do it for general friends purposes (when you live alone and wfh as a man, you NEED to make an effort to get out just to get out of your own head), but Idk how effective advice this is for someone who wants to meet someone in a timely matter. Not everyone wants to play the long game.
  - yawnxyz 3y ago
    Lots of tech people in the dance scene (west coast swing, lindy hop, zouk, etc.) — and lots of women too
    - johnnyanmac 3y ago
      Based on my college clubs, I can believe it. It's a shame I simply don't like dancing. Dancing and Tabletop are two things I tried for a very long time to get into for the sake of meeting friends and I simply don't like neither.
yodsanklai 3y ago
> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Plus, I have the feeling that asking out women is considered increasingly rude. > Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. This is certainly an option for people in their 20s, or maybe in very mixed professions with a lot of interactions, but not an option for a lot of us who don't have a rich social life. Plus a lot of people refrain dating people at work. I still feel dating apps are the best option, even though they don't work for me anymore since I'm past 40.
- watwut 3y ago
  Ok, but if someone avoided social life and worked in gender segregated environment in the past, they would had zero romantic partners in the past too.
omginternets 3y ago
>I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. You're providing yet more examples of low-effort interaction, albeit offline.
- johnnyanmac 3y ago
  Quality is subjective, and even as someone who's only had two pints of alcohol in my entire life a bar encounter seems high quality compared to the modern dating scene.
  - omginternets 3y ago
    I'd certainly agree that "the modern dating scene" is dismal, but the average bar does not produce anything I would qualify as "high-quality interaction".
jlos 3y ago
Why not both? A big part of dating is increasing your opportunities to meet someone. Plus, asking out strangers is lots of fun. The uncertainty that comes from stepping outside scripted social interactions creates tension. And tension what sexual attraction is made of, if you can remain calm and have fun with it. And while it doesn't have the highest chance of success, when it lands it creates this feeling of stars crossing. Two strangers make eye contact and are immediately drawn to each other? Who doesn't want that 'how'd you two meet' story?
- xp84 3y ago
  I don’t dispute that the occurrence you describe is exhilarating — I remember even the hopes of it happening being thrilling, and chatting up a girl I just met was even more exciting. But it’s sad in my humble opinion that it takes a tremendous amount of bravery (and extroversion) for this to work. And not only for the asker — the “recipient” also needs to overcome their own risk aversion too (they could be a creep!) My point is, if that is the primary way we meet partners, it leaves those with anxiety, and introverts, etc, tragically excluded. I’m grateful I happened to find my partner before the era of high-effort dating sites dissolved and was replaced with Tinder (etc.) We actually write stuff about ourselves. I bet nobody would swipe the correct direction just based on my face.
oriolid 3y ago
> Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. And if it is not mutual, admitting it can be a total social suicide.
- cgriswald 3y ago
  Navigating these types of situations is a skill that can be developed. Usually you know if the other person is interested, or if not, a little harmless flirting can suss it out. In a good group, you'll have a few others you can trust, and they can be allies in finding out as well. How you reveal this information is probably more important than whether you reveal it. I agree that admitting it can be social suicide. But I think that's true only if it is the person's only social group; and it is approached either ham-handedly or if the group in question is relatively petty or immature. I think it being mutual is the bigger danger. A group is more likely to survive a false start intact than a breakup. If it doesn't work out, people don't even really choose sides. They already know who is going to stay and who is going to go.
  - oriolid 3y ago
    > Navigating these types of situations is a skill that can be developed. It's difficult to practice something where failure means disaster.
    - cgriswald 3y ago
      Well, yes. Just as you don't develop guitar skills by practicing on stage during a live performance, you don't practice your social skills by asking out the girl in your social group with whom you are infatuated.
      - gedy 3y ago
        Sorry - what counts as "practice" then?
        3y ago
fennecbutt 3y ago
Exactly. And people who say apps are crap don't consider different types of people. A more introverted person can't find people to meet at a club or a bar because they don't want to go to a club or a bar. That's who they are. Gay people can go to gay bars but even those are rife with straight people now, and usually filled with the "scene" type gays that someone might not be into as well. As an introverted gay nerd you can meet people organically in person but it's a considerably more difficult.
- Slava_Propanei 3y ago
  [dead]

caeril 3y ago

> Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable You are absolutely correct here, but the primary problem with this is that a combination of sexual harassment statutes, #metoo movements, and generalized "women don't ever want to be approached" zeitgeist has closed this avenue off. This avenue is generally still available if you follow the two rules, but if you do not, it's over for you. Church is probably the only exception to this, but with drastically increasing secularization of society, good luck with that.

kjellsbells 3y ago
> a combination of sexual harassment statutes, #metoo movements, and generalized "women don't ever want to be approached" zeitgeist has closed this avenue off. Wait, what? This reads like the classic boomer complaint that is hard to get to know women when you can't slap their ass in the office any more. "No one can take a joke any more, etc etc" Women are not a monolithic voting bloc. Some will respond to approaches that repel or bore others. The only way to know is to get to know them as people first and potential romantic partners second. This is why a social scene, or in some cultures, extended clan gatherings, is so important: you see someone in a relaxed setting and can make some assessment of their personality and values. This also means that it takes time. I don't want to say that we should all go back to the weird heteronormative 1950s, but using as many social networks as possible, including unusual ones, is essential. As an older dude who has seen the games that young men play at work, I understand that the hormonal drive for guys is absolutely saturating, but you will fail and fail again if you think that #metoo stops you. If it did, you were misbehaving to start with.
- pierat 3y ago
  > Wait, what? This reads like the classic boomer complaint that is hard to get to know women when you can't slap their ass in the office any more. "No one can take a joke any more, etc etc" No, it's the extremism that's a problem. Men went towards TheRedPill and similar idiots. And especially the younger millennial women and younger have seen this garbage for what it is. However the pendulum swings to compensate. I've heard recently from quite a few places the old radical quote from 2nd wave "sex is always rape because of patriarchal power imbalance". I've also slapped precisely 0 butts in the workplace. Nor have I said the usual shitty "women do _" things. But the problem is so many younger generations's women are overly on guard. Hell, I've had them (at work) ask "don't I look good?", seeking attention. I flatly said that I don't make comments on appearance of men or women. If I wasn't already with someone, I'd likely be with nobody. It's too toxic out there as a man or someone who presents as a man.
  - johnnyanmac 3y ago
    >If I wasn't already with someone, I'd likely be with nobody. How did you end up getting with someone in that case?
    - pierat 3y ago
      It was pretty much complete luck, on both our sides. Neither of us were looking for relationships, or sex, or whatever. We've never done any dating apps. We met literally in the Starbucks line. Conversation started up, we both had time and sat down for coffee. It just went from there. We've been together for 10y. Would it happen like that or similar again to either of us? Nope. Nor is it repeatable.
      - johnnyanmac 3y ago
        I see. Indeed very much happenstance. Still it gives me a tiny shred of hope and encourages me to just keep stepping outside even when I don't fully feel like it. If there's some chance encounter where I can find a great friend or even a partner, I don't want to squander it being stuck alone in the house if I can help it.
closeparen 3y ago
The legal and political concepts of sexual harassment come into play in contexts where women can’t just leave (workplace, industry). I don’t think you get fired or sued or arrested for asking someone out at soccer or pottery class or running club. But women might not want to be in environments where that keeps happening, and those groups might develop taboos in order to survive.
- andrei_says_ 3y ago
  Asking out is ok but asking out repeatedly or insisting on any other way may make the venue uncomfortable for both people and thus force one to leave their hobby, friends etc.
  - DiggyJohnson 3y ago
    I feel like you’re restating, or at least stating, the obvious takeaway: don’t ask out repeatedly or insist. It’s okay to ask, but learn to take a hint.
    - andrei_says_ 3y ago
      What I’m also present to is the additional risk of post-rejection awkwardness while sharing the same community long term. My communities are very valuable to me which makes such an endeavor high stakes. So I thread lightly.
      - DiggyJohnson 3y ago
        Yes, there’s always that. It’s always less risky to not express these things, but there’s a world of difference between the risk of embarrassment that comes with rejection, and losing an entire community. Avoiding catastrophe is a skill, and I think it comes with balancing self-confidence / charisma with learning to take the hint, among other things.
        andrei_says_ 3y ago
tester756 3y ago
>#metoo movements, and generalized "women don't ever want to be approached" zeitgeist It (the extreme of what you're writing about) exists only on the internet. Just turn off twitter and you'll realize those things do not exist at the scale that you think
- samtho 3y ago
  And where it does exist, it’s usually someone exploiting power and/or access to another person, e.g. superiors in the workplace taking advantage of subordinates, customers being inappropriate to servers and not understanding or caring that it’s their job to serve them and their advances are not welcome, that weird/obsessed guy in your greater friend circle that you never want to be alone with, etc. Respectful advances in places where both people are on equal footing and there are not external pressures, have never been seen as off limits as far as I am aware.
  - alphaddx 3y ago
    That's the negative behaviour the movements were trying to address but young men interpreted it as women not wanting to be approached by them at all. That's the message social media is giving.
- johnnyanmac 3y ago
  It's an extreme but a dangerous permanent extreme. It's not like the risk of riding a bike and breaking your leg. Legs heal.vYour reputation doesn't, especially if your hobby or career requires an online presence. Twitter aside, there is a general post COVID feeling of "coldness" out there in my anecdotal experience. It's kinda always been that way given me being in a big city (or at least, within driving distance of one), but even small talk seems to have diminished these days. Forget women, people in general just seem less interested to wave hello unless you're at a very specific function.
  - userinanother 3y ago
    As a straight male I’ve always found dating men for friendship was a lot harder than dating women
electrondood 3y ago
This sounds like a toxic incel point of view. If you talk to women like they're human beings instead of bizarre creatures that you need to manipulate into mating, this doesn't actually happen.
scarface_74 3y ago
This sounds very incellish. It’s not considered sexual harrasment to politely gauge interest and immediately back off when you see the signs they aren’t interested.
- mcpackieh 3y ago
  My father asked my mother out 5 times before she said yes. They've now been married for 45 years. Maybe if I tried that kind of perseverance it would work, or maybe the second ask would get me labeled and witch hunted by somebody like you who would then try to ruin my life for it.
  - scarface_74 3y ago
    You should definitely not ask someone out five times at their place of employment after they have said no. At school? At church? Maybe
    - mcpackieh 3y ago
      You didn't make an exception for school, nor did the comment you replied to. The only exception they cited was church and you didn't add any yourself until now. And why is school an exception to you, but work is not? Both are places people "have to be", places where people go to do something other than flirt and where they might feel trapped in a social situation they can't easily get out of. How is "my coworker asked me out twice but I still have to work with him" different from "my co-student asked me out twice but I still have to go to class with him"? There's no meaningful difference here, particularly if you're a grad student. But I guess you'll now say that undergrads are allowed to ask somebody twice, but grad students must not ask more than once? Or maybe you'll just insult me and tell me to be miserable quietly like other people in this discussion already have.
      - scarface_74 3y ago
        Because work places in one place where you must interact with your coworkers to do your job. The bar is a lot lower for what constitutes harassment There is a certain level of professional conduct that people expect in a professional setting that’s not there in school. Also, I would be very wary of approaching someone at the gym who was working out. I use to teach at gyms part time when I was single. Women would have to really start the conversation with me before I would make any move.

episiarch 3y ago

I can't see how any of this makes sense. There are not a lot more eligible men than there are eligible women. Interest in relationships is not constrained in any way to "guys". I think you have an alignment problem.

ruiisnwn 3y ago
[dead]
deleted 3y ago
[deleted]
yodsanklai 3y ago
The situation for men and women in dating isn't symmetric.
- gtech1 3y ago
  Of course not. Alpha males command the most attention

userinanother 3y ago

It works because you can do high volume screening quickly. In theory online dating was supposed to speed that up even more increasing volume and improving results. Unfortunately the online screening was too fast and you end up over screening and throwing away too many potential matches and selecting bad candidates because Most people aren’t actually sure what they want.

xedrac 3y ago
You need to spend time with someone to build a relationship, but that takes a lot of effort, patience, and vulnerability, especially when you're starting from zero. But actively participating in various interest groups and other social circles is not a bad way to start.
- userinanother 3y ago
  Depends on your interests… If your interest is FPS gaming and you are a straight male it’s probably not a good spot. If you have an interest in sewing then maybe odds are you your favor. Still just common interests isn’t enough dating takes active effort like work it does not magically happen for most
  - r00fus 3y ago
    You can have multiple interests. Selecting one or two that are gender balanced in your favor might be a good idea and builds character.
danenania 3y ago
I think it mainly has to do with women's screening process. Women have to ignore or immediately filter out 90%+ of matches/messages online because they get so many. But if a man approaches a woman in person, they are at least going to be looked at and considered. It's a hack for getting to the front of a long queue. In person also allows for demonstrating qualities that aren't apparent in a profile. People's vibes are often very different in person vs. online. A man approaching a woman irl signals courage and confidence in itself if done non-awkwardly, so that also gives a guy a leg up over a bunch of dating profiles that are unknown quantities. Disclaimer: married for 9 years so this is all theoretical

randycupertino 3y ago

> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. That’s probably the ideal scenario if it turns out to be mutual. I think meeting people in shared-activity groups is the best bet. You already know your interests align and you enjoy the same things. My old triathlon club would have like 6 weddings every year. Turns out getting to know people over 80-mile bike rides is a great way to learn about someone.

capableweb 3y ago
There is something about doing physical activity with others, that make others more likely to open up as well, so you can have a bit deeper conversations. Maybe it's related to the dopamine you release or something.
johnnyanmac 3y ago
And thars the downside of being a nerd or even a jock. As a male you don't really meet (heterosexual) romantic partners doing stuff guys traditionally like. I've been to a bunch of tech/gaming meetups and can count the number of women there on my hands. And none were single either. Probably because they dated and found someone on an online app. Of course I still do it for general friends purposes (when you live alone and wfh as a man, you NEED to make an effort to get out just to get out of your own head), but Idk how effective advice this is for someone who wants to meet someone in a timely matter. Not everyone wants to play the long game.
- yawnxyz 3y ago
  Lots of tech people in the dance scene (west coast swing, lindy hop, zouk, etc.) — and lots of women too
  - johnnyanmac 3y ago
    Based on my college clubs, I can believe it. It's a shame I simply don't like dancing. Dancing and Tabletop are two things I tried for a very long time to get into for the sake of meeting friends and I simply don't like neither.

yodsanklai 3y ago

> I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. Plus, I have the feeling that asking out women is considered increasingly rude. > Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. This is certainly an option for people in their 20s, or maybe in very mixed professions with a lot of interactions, but not an option for a lot of us who don't have a rich social life. Plus a lot of people refrain dating people at work. I still feel dating apps are the best option, even though they don't work for me anymore since I'm past 40.

watwut 3y ago
Ok, but if someone avoided social life and worked in gender segregated environment in the past, they would had zero romantic partners in the past too.

omginternets 3y ago

>I’ve never understood how asking out strangers in bars or on the street is supposed to yield high quality matches. You're providing yet more examples of low-effort interaction, albeit offline.

johnnyanmac 3y ago
Quality is subjective, and even as someone who's only had two pints of alcohol in my entire life a bar encounter seems high quality compared to the modern dating scene.
- omginternets 3y ago
  I'd certainly agree that "the modern dating scene" is dismal, but the average bar does not produce anything I would qualify as "high-quality interaction".

jlos 3y ago

Why not both? A big part of dating is increasing your opportunities to meet someone. Plus, asking out strangers is lots of fun. The uncertainty that comes from stepping outside scripted social interactions creates tension. And tension what sexual attraction is made of, if you can remain calm and have fun with it. And while it doesn't have the highest chance of success, when it lands it creates this feeling of stars crossing. Two strangers make eye contact and are immediately drawn to each other? Who doesn't want that 'how'd you two meet' story?

xp84 3y ago
I don’t dispute that the occurrence you describe is exhilarating — I remember even the hopes of it happening being thrilling, and chatting up a girl I just met was even more exciting. But it’s sad in my humble opinion that it takes a tremendous amount of bravery (and extroversion) for this to work. And not only for the asker — the “recipient” also needs to overcome their own risk aversion too (they could be a creep!) My point is, if that is the primary way we meet partners, it leaves those with anxiety, and introverts, etc, tragically excluded. I’m grateful I happened to find my partner before the era of high-effort dating sites dissolved and was replaced with Tinder (etc.) We actually write stuff about ourselves. I bet nobody would swipe the correct direction just based on my face.

oriolid 3y ago

> Developing crushes on people you actually know in your social scenes is more reasonable. And if it is not mutual, admitting it can be a total social suicide.

cgriswald 3y ago
Navigating these types of situations is a skill that can be developed. Usually you know if the other person is interested, or if not, a little harmless flirting can suss it out. In a good group, you'll have a few others you can trust, and they can be allies in finding out as well. How you reveal this information is probably more important than whether you reveal it. I agree that admitting it can be social suicide. But I think that's true only if it is the person's only social group; and it is approached either ham-handedly or if the group in question is relatively petty or immature. I think it being mutual is the bigger danger. A group is more likely to survive a false start intact than a breakup. If it doesn't work out, people don't even really choose sides. They already know who is going to stay and who is going to go.
- oriolid 3y ago
  > Navigating these types of situations is a skill that can be developed. It's difficult to practice something where failure means disaster.
  - cgriswald 3y ago
    Well, yes. Just as you don't develop guitar skills by practicing on stage during a live performance, you don't practice your social skills by asking out the girl in your social group with whom you are infatuated.
    - gedy 3y ago
      Sorry - what counts as "practice" then?
      - 3y ago

fennecbutt 3y ago

Exactly. And people who say apps are crap don't consider different types of people. A more introverted person can't find people to meet at a club or a bar because they don't want to go to a club or a bar. That's who they are. Gay people can go to gay bars but even those are rife with straight people now, and usually filled with the "scene" type gays that someone might not be into as well. As an introverted gay nerd you can meet people organically in person but it's a considerably more difficult.

Slava_Propanei 3y ago
[dead]