10 ms·

The vital art of talking to strangers (2021)

kaftan-permans 3y ago
https://archive.ph/Y8Fju https://archive.ph/Y8Fju
wcedmisten 3y ago
Reading this from an airport boarding area coming back from a conference, and I couldn't agree more. I feel like my social skills of talking to strangers have atrophied during COVID, and now I'm trying my best to exercise those social muscles again. It really requires deliberate practice.
- zwayhowder 3y ago
  (Working in IT) I love laptop stickers for this. Whenever I'm returning from a conference a quick look around the lounge will reveal plenty of people with laptop stickers that are an easy to to startup a conversation. "Oh you're into $LANG/$TOOL, did you go to $CONF too?".
  - ang_cire 3y ago
    Laptop stickers are a perfect means to signal who you want to talk to, and who you don't, without saying anything.
    - nocoiner 3y ago
      Ah man. Probably should have considered that before slapping a “Nuke the Whales” sticker on the back of my screen.
    - em-bee 3y ago
      so i put on the star trek sticker but not the star wars sticker. got it. thanks.
- worthless443 3y ago
  And in the end, it feels good and fresh. Just like any other (meaningful) skill, decent social skills put forth significant effects on one's awareness of their local surroundings, and with good social skills, invaluable experiences. I've struggled with it for the best half of my life, and later ignored the need to take action and improve. I moved on to finding out the subtle beauty of just pulling up a conversation with a completely new person, of course our perspectives and opinions might differ, and that's where I see the beauty and without it, the world wouldn't have been so dynamic so I think.
cybrexalpha 3y ago
The last time someone I didn't know tried to talk to me on public transport I moved to another seat.
- lamp987 3y ago
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- wowdang 3y ago
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- BasedAnon 3y ago
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- Fnoord 3y ago
  Did they ask you to please remove your bag so they could sit next to you?
- sambazi 3y ago
  i hope you found the time to excuse yourself
- coldtea 3y ago
  very gracious
- teekert 3y ago
  Where I live that’s considered pretty rude. You could however respectfully say that you’d rather listen to music or just say you prefer not to talk. Or just be short in your answers and don’t ask anything back. Most people get the hint quickly.
  - MrVandemar 3y ago
    > Or just be short in your answers and don’t ask anything back. Most people get the hint quickly. Hah! As someone who used public transport for most of my life, I've suffered through more than my fair share of narcississtic self-obsessed extroverts who don't get the hint. And some people's tolerance for tedious conversation can be higher or lower. Mine's pretty low, so I know where the P is coming from. What's really rude is to waste people's valuable time and peace of mind.
nickjj 3y ago
The article mentions "Strangers on a Train" which I've never seen or read but I've had a number of really interesting encounters from train talk. It's a natural place to end up in a scenario where you could chat with someone for a decently long time if you both choose to do so. A takeaway I always remind myself is that you never know what's right next to you. Last month someone asked me which track the train leaves from. I answered and that turned into chatting with someone from Lebanon visiting the US who was nearing the completion of their PhD in theoretical physics mixed with quantum computing. Out of no where a 90 minute conversation ensued around programming, life in different countries and a bunch of other assorted topics.
- partytax 3y ago
  Can confirm that trains are an amazing place to meet people. I commute on the Amtrak Northeast Regional and have made 3 regular acquaintances with whom I've had long conversations. Never would have happened on a plane or or on the highway.
MrThoughtful 3y ago
I'm always surprised that so few people on planes talk to each other. It is amazing how a talk to the person next to you on a plane can turn a boring, multiple hour long flight into a nice experience that feels way shorter.
- exitb 3y ago
  On the other hand, I’ve seen not an insignificant number of cases where someone overstepped a boundary by forcing a conversation on someone who was clearly not into it. I think it’s ok to try, but given the context, cultural differences, legal requirement to stay in your assigned seat, it might be easy to get confused about consent.
  - noduerme 3y ago
    Where is there a legal requirement to stay in your assigned seat? I've switched seats with people plenty of times on airplanes, or simply moved into empty rows. If you want to switch you can simply ask. (That is, if you're not afraid to talk to strangers!)
    - dmd 3y ago
      I fly 10-15 times a year and I have seen an empty seat on a flight maybe once.
      - noduerme 3y ago
        I don't fly as often as you. Maybe 6-8 times a year. But I usually try to travel on days/times/routes that I think will be quiet. Like, if I'm going to Vegas, I'll leave on a Tuesday night after a holiday weekend. Internationally, there used to be a lot of half-empty planes. Admittedly, I haven't seen as many empty rows since covid constricted the industry.
    - alwa 3y ago
      Did the people who you saw do this mid-flight/mid-unwanted-conversation, in order to escape their chatty neighbors, or was this more in the early phases of the flight when people were getting settled? When people see my seat and see that it’s better than theirs, and simply ask me for it, sometimes I cave in in the interest of being nice. It’s cool that they want a nice gift from me, but even if I say a polite “no,” it makes me feel defensive about occupying a seat that I picked for a reason, under the same rules by which they picked theirs.
thom 3y ago
I sometimes overcompensate for anxiety by being chatty and over familiar, but since I’ve had kids it’s also behaviour that I think is important for them to see. It makes my day when I have a positive interaction with a stranger but I also want my kids to know people are mostly kind and interesting and it’s okay to feel confident around them.
- Fnoord 3y ago
  Having kids is a great way to lower the barrier. As a parent with autism ('introvert') it is also a great way to overstep my boundaries. Like, I have to, even if I don't want to. My secret weapons are smiling and talking to my kid.
- teekert 3y ago
  Fwiw I feel the same. I don’t want my kids to learn stranger danger, I want them to know most people are kind and helpful.
- epiccoleman 3y ago
  I grew up in a small town, with a family who was at church every single Sunday (and if there was a fish fry or social, we were there too). My dad grew up in the same town, with a similar family situation. And as a result, he knew everyone. He used to drive me absolutely crazy whenever we'd go out because no matter where we went, he'd bump into someone and wind up in a 30 minute chat. But as an adult I realized it was hugely important for my own social skills to witness and get pulled into those conversations. I'm an introvert (I take after my mother in this respect), but I think I'm a pretty decent small talker, and since my own kids have started getting bigger I've been trying to make an effort to overcome the friction I feel to opening up to new people so that I can demonstrate some of what my dad did. For the most part I actually enjoy talking with people, but I do really have to push myself to get started with conversations sometimes. My wife and I actually just forced ourselves to attend a birthday party for a neighbor that we'd been invited to tonight. Our kids landed there ahead of us so our hands were forced. We ended up having a great time and got such a warm greeting from the host (sometimes it can really surprise me how happy a person is to see us, haha). tl;dr: It's definitely worth the effort to push past the friction sometimes.
matthewtse 3y ago
I really identify with this article. I find the modern "autopilot" social life tends to put me in touch with much the same people. Whether that's through meeting similar friends of friends, similar socioeconomic people through work, or algorithmically-determined similar people through social media or dating apps. I put a conscious effort to live in a large city and interact with the people around me every day, and sometimes I'm called weird for it. But I think it's weirder that we move around these cities and treat everyone as "strangers to be ignored" until the moment we meet up with our target social group, and suddenly everyone these is "someone interesting and worth talking to".
lusus_naturae 3y ago
For people who work in defense, strangers randomly talking to them is always a sticky point.
- sambazi 3y ago
  yea, living near an us overseas base, you gotta be careful with questions about their $dayjob
bradley13 3y ago
Not so long ago, I was having my first cup of coffee in a hotel restaurant. A woman sat down directly across from me and started off with how nice it was to have someone to chat with. Um. No. I was polite, but...no. I had no interest in learning who she was, why she was there, or what she did for a living. I heard all of that anyway. Look, I haven't put on my social facade yet and I am not interested. You're next to me on the train? I have zero interest in talking to you.
- meindnoch 3y ago
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- swayvil 3y ago
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  - coldtea 3y ago
    Obviously no, else they'd had no problem
  - dominojab 3y ago
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- MrVandemar 3y ago
  Yeah, people are wierd. I don't know what kind of narciscism you need to have to think you and what you have to say is interesting to someone else. I don't strike up random conversations because: a) I'd have to listen to them discuss (probably) the footy, or their Rav-4. That's incredibly tedious. b) They sure don't browse HN, and to have an interesting conversation, I'd have to explain a lot of things instead of being able to debate or explore them.
- 0xParlay 3y ago
  Sounds like she really needed someone to talk to. Might've helped keep her sanity. Thanks for being polite
hackermatic 3y ago
The cultural differences about this are vast even in the United States. In the part of the Midwest where I grew up, strangers would come up and offer compliments about your outfit or car, make friendly small talk in the grocery store checkout line, or at least offer a quiet "hi" and smile when passing on the sidewalk. In the Pacific Northwest, we try not to even look at each other when passing, although people are friendly when something does get us talking.
- grecy 3y ago
  I live in a small mountain town now, and it's unthinkable you would walk past someone on the sidewalk and not say hi.
- monero-xmr 3y ago
  No one is friendly in urban areas because you are getting accosted / hustled so often. If a stranger tries to talk to me I have to give an ocular pat down and risk assessment before engaging beyond a skeptical glance.
  - deleted 3y ago
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  - Liquix 3y ago
    > I have to give an ocular patdown hold it right there, jabroni
  - MenhirMike 3y ago
    Are you sure that you don't want to make some extra money on the side by joining my MLM? You can do so from the comfort of your vacation home timeshare! And if something happens to you, do you really have the term life insurance that you absolutely need?
  - ekidd 3y ago
    > No one is friendly in urban areas Yes, this is mostly an urban/rural divide. I've lived in several small New England towns where people talk to each other in public all the time. But I've also lived in Boston. And I've learned that if a stranger strikes up a conversation in Boston, there are two possibilities: 1. They need directions or emergency aid. 2. Or they have absolutely no grasp of appropriate social norms, and I am about to have a deeply weird conversation. At best. In theory, I am perfectly happy to speak with strangers on the subway. In practice, I do not wish to hear about how lizard people rule the world.
gabrielsroka 3y ago
2021 See also https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27809018 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27809018
hooverd 3y ago
They say talking to strangers helps you work on social anxiety, and that people really won't remember you, but I get the impression from this thread that people will remember you for the rest of their lives and tell all their friends about how weird you were.
- tayo42 3y ago
  It takes alot to be memorably weird, no unhinged political takes, conspiracy theories, don't start crying, don't talk about your near death experiences. Anyway what does it matter? Those all happened to me, I suspect they're living their lives indifferent of my opinion.
AndrewKemendo 3y ago
I doubt gregarious people need more data to cold start social interactions (I certainly don’t) Similarly, non social people aren’t that way because the data suggests it’s better, and data isn’t going to change that Rather some mix of biological differences in attention, cognitive arousal styles and environmental conditioning determine sociality The more interesting question to me is “what are the environmental and structural contexts that maximize ‘high engagement’ prosociality?” With the follow on “via what means would we modify our current environment to realize that optimization”
- tilne 3y ago
  I very much agree. I would consider myself to be more asocial than average, though certainly not aggressively so. The types of sentiments expressed in this article are usually written by very social people who see conversation as some inherent good. I think you are in the minority of such social butterflies in terms of checking that assumption. For an example, take this quote: > But that is not the whole story. In mid-life and beyond people can still experience the joy of a random meeting, however short, which somehow touches a nerve. What exactly is the joy? Is that joy not something I can obtain more easily via the “traditional” social channels I’ve cultivated over the course of my life thus far? And won’t a social interaction in one of those channels have a much greater chance of lasting positive impact given that person is more likely to be someone I interact with regularly, enabling me to build off that initial interaction over time? Moreover, what’s the downside of the encounter? I suspect a lot of asocial people like myself strongly dislike the much more common awkwardness and self-doubt that accompany a social interaction that goes poorly. Is enduring a lot of that really worth the few instances where you feel a fleeting sense of connection? Putting effort into that social interaction also means I will have less energy to put into other pursuits that mean more to me: my marriage, playing piano, reading, career goals, riding my bike, existing friendships, etc. I don’t disagree with the article necessarily, but I do think it’s mostly an “ode to random social encounters” more than a serious attempt to make a case for why people not predisposed to doing so should try to have more random social encounters. The questions you ask in your last two sentences really get at the interesting stuff. But of course they are too nuanced and complex to answer in any comprehensive, generalized way within an easily digestible length.
black3r 3y ago
I can talk for hours with anyone about anything, but I have some kind of social anxiety about starting the conversation, and that sadly goes not just for strangers but also for people I'm familiar with but not super familiar... I'd never start talking to a person sitting next to me on a train or a plane, but when they start I'm most often very glad to have someone to talk to...
- nuancebydefault 3y ago
  I hope i will run into you. I like starting conversations. I tend to hate it when people slow down or block the conversation by simply replying with a short yes or no, even when there's nothing for them to do (while, say, waiting in a queue) other than gazing at their little screen.
  - _def 3y ago
    I hate to do that but it often happens. I'm not sure why, but I wanted to share that it can be incompetence to keep it up rather than being not interested.
RugnirViking 3y ago
I wish more people would talk to me on trains planes or wherever else. If ever something like that does happen it usually really brightens my day. You might ask why I don't start such conversations. I simply do not think im capable. I wish I were, but ive spent a great deal of stress trying to get myself to talk freely at things like conferences, parties, etc. I just can't do it. This affliction I think is more and more common.
- nuancebydefault 3y ago
  I often start conversations with random people around. It feels liberating to be able to do so, I recommend it. Now and then I learn something interesting. Oftentimes, I start the conversation but also have the last word. Which feels frustrating. You can't have it all.
- nico 3y ago
  Try the book The Charisma Myth, it has some great exercises to help you do stuff like talking to strangers. You have to do the exercises though There is stuff there that can help you get people to talk to you without initiating the conversation yourself That book changed my life
  - PartiallyTyped 3y ago
    There's something quite funny about reading a book, an activity usually enjoyed alone sans conversations, about well, conversations. Thanks for the recommendation, I will give it a try.
    - nico 3y ago
      For sure. However, the most important thing is not reading the book, but doing the exercises If you could do just one thing, I’d recommend only reading the intro and practicing the 3 tips/exercises as much as possible until they become a habit
  - sph 3y ago
    I have the same issue as GP, and the Charisma Myth book has sat, unread, in my bookshelf for a year. I also bought the audiobook with my Audible trial, still unlistened. Self help books have a tendency to feel hollow and unsatisfying by the time you reach the end, but I really wish I could stop overthinking the process of striking a chat with a complete stranger. I am quite pleasant and I believe witty once the conversation gets going, but by God, I couldn't start a conversation to save my life. I'll try to read that book, hopefully I'm not let down by the hope there is a social magic trick I have never been privy to.
bassrattle 3y ago
There's an emerging star named Johnny Hamcheck whose whole schtick is talking to strangers in ways they don't expect. It's harmless unscripted humor. If you like Surveillance Camera Man, this might be for you. I'm linking his YouTube, even though he gets a tiny fraction of the views there compared to other platforms: https://youtube.com/@johnnyhamcheck https://youtube.com/@johnnyhamcheck
- 1337biz 3y ago
  This is so weird. But I love watching it. Crazy the level of intimacy he can sometimes achieve sometimes with made up ideas.
nico 3y ago
For anyone interested in developing the skills for talking to strangers, I highly recommend the book The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane It has some really good exercises to build confidence and ease social anxiety
teekert 3y ago
“Children are taught never to speak to unknown grown-ups, especially those regarded by their parents as untrustworthy.” Not my kids, they talk to anyone. When they ask me a question about someone I encourage them to ask the person. When the want something I encourage them to ask (respectfully). They always, always get nice responses and I get friendly conversations afterwards. Think of yourself, how would you react? Well 99.999 of people would react the same.
- swah 3y ago
  I'm generally in a mood such that someone starting some small talk to me turns around my whole day for the better. Of course, if there is some back and forth etc the effect is stronger..
- catiopatio 3y ago
  I would react politely to your children and, if further engaged by you, continue to converse with you politely. I would also genuinely, deeply, and silently dislike every second of the forced interaction. 99.999% of people might react the same, but that doesn’t mean we all feel the same.
  - ambicapter 3y ago
    Sounds like you need to work on your disengagement skills.
    - dchftcs 3y ago
      Disengagement works because not everyone out there is trying to talk to everyone. If you change cultural norms such that every child should talk to strangers a lot, it'll be tiring to have to do this "disengagement" 10 times a day.
      - cpach 3y ago
        And the risk for this happening… Do you think it’s a big risk? These days, a lot of kids just engage with their smartphone instead.
speps 3y ago
Or watch How To With John Wilson, season 1 episode 1 How To Make Small Talk, very enlightening!
mettamage 3y ago
I overanalyze social interaction. I'm a constant beginner at it. I'm constant scared. Yea, whatever, I don't care, let's do some talking! How to talk to someone? There are a few ways: 1. Give a compliment that you genuinely mean. It has to be genuine because sometimes you gotta go in-depth with your compliment to show that it's genuine. Such as: "I really like your whole outfit style. I don't want to assume, but it makes me think you're a free spirit playing guitar and I'm just vibing to that feel." 2. Ask a question you're curious about that you think the person next to you might on the off chance know something about. 3. Talk about something happening in the situation that seems to be interesting "do you have any clue why there's such a huge line over there?" 4. Talk about something happening and just make it a statement "I love the fact that Amsterdam has these free water fountains in certain places!" (while everyone is standing near it) 5. Tell a story. When you talk to someone, you need to be aware that they're on autopilot. This means that you first need to grab their attention. I personally do this by saying "excuse me". When they look up, then I tell my actual thing I want to say. Responses: - Good: carry on - Mediocre: maybe carry on? - Not interested: don't carry on. Don't internalize it was you. It might've been you, it might've been something else. You don't know. And even if it was you, maybe it really was some projection of their psychological state that goes back to childhood (aka not really you). You just don't know. But yea, learning to be okay with that not everyone is interested is okay. Other ideas: * Playfulness helps. Playfulness generates humor. I don't know how to generate humor, but I do know how to be playful (playful = don't take things seriously, don't look for truth, do look for fun and play). * Curiosity helps. * Asking questions helps, as long as you're interested in them and you're not asking them to just carry the conversation. * Statements help. Not everything needs to be Q&A. * Telling stories help. Just in general, it gives people to latch onto a lot. I hope this helps some. It's a non-comprehensive guide made by someone who has spend a lot of time thinking about it (but at the moment is quite rusty :P). I fail at it often, I succeed at it often as well. Whatever, I'm talking to people. Failure and success doesn't matter. All that matters is are you sending a ping to the whole wide world, or not? :D
JumpinJack_Cash 3y ago
Yes, but there has to be a non-zero probability of them becoming some sort of presence in your life. Say at the airport or abroad the chances are essentially 0.0% for friendship and somewhat higher for romantic relationships provided that you are young and wild enough. More generally guys should strive to build a crew , some sort of small army of friends whose components are stable during the course of time.
- Fergazi 3y ago
  Can't you just talk to someone for the simple heck of it? I have had a few interesting conversations with strangers on planes. Most recently, I talked to a former government worker from Hawaii. I never saw them again, but I enjoyed just hearing their experiences and views because they were a random person from a completely random walk of life that I would otherwise never encounter as part of my normal weekly routine.
Eumenes 3y ago
I recently went on vacation abroad and struck up so many pleasant conversations with other Americans and some Brits, Irish, and Australians - maybe its cause we were excited to speak the same language, but it was strange, because this rarely happens in my part of the US (everyone seems to be in their own clique or group).
deleted 3y ago
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JustAPerson 3y ago
I’ve spent years of therapy trying to overcome my fear of talking to strangers. Mostly it just feels inappropriate and unwanted; like I would be intruding on people. I can talk to strangers when there’s an appropriate social context (e.g. clerks / service people). But lacking the right context, it feels deeply uncomfortable. Has anyone overcome this problem? Where would you go to interact with strangers–importantly where there’s an appropriate social context that permits interacting.
- ratg13 3y ago
  Literally any event/gathering is a great place to start. The whole point of bringing groups together is to encourage people to interact. It’s awkward for everyone, but you can make it less awkward for others by just being friendly.. complimenting someone, or even just asking a simple question to get some engagement. As long as you are respectful, friendly, and not pushy, everyone will respect you back. Try to find some local gatherings in your own community, maybe a church potluck (they won’t care if you’re not religious, they are just happy you are there) .. maybe a local game shop has some DND evenings, or just find something that aligns with your personal interests. To improve your nervousness about speaking, toastmasters or a Dale Carnegie class are both good options as well.
- hansoolo 3y ago
  You can interact with strangers everywhere! In a queue in supermarket, in a football stadium or in a train. If they don't want to talk you should be able to recognize it instantly.
- Invictus0 3y ago
  Love yourself first. Love yourself first. If you truly believe that you have value; that when you open your mouth and speak to others, you brighten their day; that when other people meet you, they are happier or smarter than they were before they met you; then it is your natural obligation to talk to other people (don't dehumanize them by calling them strangers), because you are giving them the gift of your own special human light.
  - 3y ago
financypants 3y ago
In Utah, we have this common phenomenon where if a stranger starts up a conversation and is being chatty, it’s likely that they are trying to recruit you for their MLM
famahar 3y ago
My whole job is to talk to strangers for 4- 8 hours and help their English conversation skills. Everyone I talk to is fascinating and most of the time they just want someone to listen rather than correct their English.
tysam_and 3y ago
I'm autistic, and it's taken me a long time to learn how to start. It's been worth it. Today, a woman and I were both looking at the same display in Hobby Lobby, both clearly looking for something. When she moved over, I used something I've learned recently, which is, "Oh, sorry to be in your way -- I'm just looking for something to build a backpack with." Which is not entirely true, since it's a nopack -- a system which uses everyday components from my backpacking experience to make a carrying system, but close enough. A strange lie that is expected in simplification. I've learned that this mode of phrasing means "Hi, I'm interested in maybe the same thing as you are, and would like to make potential conversation about [topic mentioned] or [thing we are mutually looking at] (or, as I later realized just now, [topic behind why you're looking at the thing you're looking at]). She took me up on all three of those things, and we talked about jean zippers, backpacking, safety on the Appalachian Trail (I'm a trans nonbinary woman/gal, I don't think she noticed though from how the conversation went. Places like Hobby Lobby and Chick Fil A can have a different vibe to them when not passing well), and a few other miscellaneous things. It was very nice, we talked maybe 5-10 minutes or so before going on our separate ways. My day felt more full, I felt more happy, and less isolated. I wish there was a dictionary, or some kind of book/guide that explained these kinds of things. Somebody on the Appalachian Trail this year taught me how to indirectly ask for things (i.e. "Do you know a good way to get to [X town]?" while wearing a backpack sorta means "Hey, can you give me a ride please?". This was a shocking revelation to me, and made life much easier). Having a clear, simple guide would have saved me much grief. These things aren't complicated, they're just too complex and too hidden for most of us to sort out through all of the information overwhelm mire. I'm happy to talk more about this topic, I could really talk about it for a long time <3 :'))))
- dave8088 3y ago
  Can you recommend any resources for learning this sort of thing?
  - QuantumG 3y ago
    I don't know where you live, but most large cities have an Improv Comedy scene that includes courses, weekly meetups and workshops. You will learn: * How to talk like you have something to say * How to leave space for others to talk * Helping the conversation move along * Saying stuff that is interesting but not necessarily true without being deceptive * Be funny now and then (YMMV)

https://archive.ph/Y8Fju https://archive.ph/Y8Fju

Reading this from an airport boarding area coming back from a conference, and I couldn't agree more. I feel like my social skills of talking to strangers have atrophied during COVID, and now I'm trying my best to exercise those social muscles again. It really requires deliberate practice.

zwayhowder 3y ago
(Working in IT) I love laptop stickers for this. Whenever I'm returning from a conference a quick look around the lounge will reveal plenty of people with laptop stickers that are an easy to to startup a conversation. "Oh you're into $LANG/$TOOL, did you go to $CONF too?".
- ang_cire 3y ago
  Laptop stickers are a perfect means to signal who you want to talk to, and who you don't, without saying anything.
  - nocoiner 3y ago
    Ah man. Probably should have considered that before slapping a “Nuke the Whales” sticker on the back of my screen.
  - em-bee 3y ago
    so i put on the star trek sticker but not the star wars sticker. got it. thanks.
worthless443 3y ago
And in the end, it feels good and fresh. Just like any other (meaningful) skill, decent social skills put forth significant effects on one's awareness of their local surroundings, and with good social skills, invaluable experiences. I've struggled with it for the best half of my life, and later ignored the need to take action and improve. I moved on to finding out the subtle beauty of just pulling up a conversation with a completely new person, of course our perspectives and opinions might differ, and that's where I see the beauty and without it, the world wouldn't have been so dynamic so I think.

cybrexalpha 3y ago

The last time someone I didn't know tried to talk to me on public transport I moved to another seat.

lamp987 3y ago
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wowdang 3y ago
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BasedAnon 3y ago
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Fnoord 3y ago
Did they ask you to please remove your bag so they could sit next to you?
sambazi 3y ago
i hope you found the time to excuse yourself
coldtea 3y ago
very gracious
teekert 3y ago
Where I live that’s considered pretty rude. You could however respectfully say that you’d rather listen to music or just say you prefer not to talk. Or just be short in your answers and don’t ask anything back. Most people get the hint quickly.
- MrVandemar 3y ago
  > Or just be short in your answers and don’t ask anything back. Most people get the hint quickly. Hah! As someone who used public transport for most of my life, I've suffered through more than my fair share of narcississtic self-obsessed extroverts who don't get the hint. And some people's tolerance for tedious conversation can be higher or lower. Mine's pretty low, so I know where the P is coming from. What's really rude is to waste people's valuable time and peace of mind.

nickjj 3y ago

The article mentions "Strangers on a Train" which I've never seen or read but I've had a number of really interesting encounters from train talk. It's a natural place to end up in a scenario where you could chat with someone for a decently long time if you both choose to do so. A takeaway I always remind myself is that you never know what's right next to you. Last month someone asked me which track the train leaves from. I answered and that turned into chatting with someone from Lebanon visiting the US who was nearing the completion of their PhD in theoretical physics mixed with quantum computing. Out of no where a 90 minute conversation ensued around programming, life in different countries and a bunch of other assorted topics.

partytax 3y ago
Can confirm that trains are an amazing place to meet people. I commute on the Amtrak Northeast Regional and have made 3 regular acquaintances with whom I've had long conversations. Never would have happened on a plane or or on the highway.

MrThoughtful 3y ago

I'm always surprised that so few people on planes talk to each other. It is amazing how a talk to the person next to you on a plane can turn a boring, multiple hour long flight into a nice experience that feels way shorter.

exitb 3y ago
On the other hand, I’ve seen not an insignificant number of cases where someone overstepped a boundary by forcing a conversation on someone who was clearly not into it. I think it’s ok to try, but given the context, cultural differences, legal requirement to stay in your assigned seat, it might be easy to get confused about consent.
- noduerme 3y ago
  Where is there a legal requirement to stay in your assigned seat? I've switched seats with people plenty of times on airplanes, or simply moved into empty rows. If you want to switch you can simply ask. (That is, if you're not afraid to talk to strangers!)
  - dmd 3y ago
    I fly 10-15 times a year and I have seen an empty seat on a flight maybe once.
    - noduerme 3y ago
      I don't fly as often as you. Maybe 6-8 times a year. But I usually try to travel on days/times/routes that I think will be quiet. Like, if I'm going to Vegas, I'll leave on a Tuesday night after a holiday weekend. Internationally, there used to be a lot of half-empty planes. Admittedly, I haven't seen as many empty rows since covid constricted the industry.
  - alwa 3y ago
    Did the people who you saw do this mid-flight/mid-unwanted-conversation, in order to escape their chatty neighbors, or was this more in the early phases of the flight when people were getting settled? When people see my seat and see that it’s better than theirs, and simply ask me for it, sometimes I cave in in the interest of being nice. It’s cool that they want a nice gift from me, but even if I say a polite “no,” it makes me feel defensive about occupying a seat that I picked for a reason, under the same rules by which they picked theirs.

thom 3y ago

I sometimes overcompensate for anxiety by being chatty and over familiar, but since I’ve had kids it’s also behaviour that I think is important for them to see. It makes my day when I have a positive interaction with a stranger but I also want my kids to know people are mostly kind and interesting and it’s okay to feel confident around them.

Fnoord 3y ago
Having kids is a great way to lower the barrier. As a parent with autism ('introvert') it is also a great way to overstep my boundaries. Like, I have to, even if I don't want to. My secret weapons are smiling and talking to my kid.
teekert 3y ago
Fwiw I feel the same. I don’t want my kids to learn stranger danger, I want them to know most people are kind and helpful.
epiccoleman 3y ago
I grew up in a small town, with a family who was at church every single Sunday (and if there was a fish fry or social, we were there too). My dad grew up in the same town, with a similar family situation. And as a result, he knew everyone. He used to drive me absolutely crazy whenever we'd go out because no matter where we went, he'd bump into someone and wind up in a 30 minute chat. But as an adult I realized it was hugely important for my own social skills to witness and get pulled into those conversations. I'm an introvert (I take after my mother in this respect), but I think I'm a pretty decent small talker, and since my own kids have started getting bigger I've been trying to make an effort to overcome the friction I feel to opening up to new people so that I can demonstrate some of what my dad did. For the most part I actually enjoy talking with people, but I do really have to push myself to get started with conversations sometimes. My wife and I actually just forced ourselves to attend a birthday party for a neighbor that we'd been invited to tonight. Our kids landed there ahead of us so our hands were forced. We ended up having a great time and got such a warm greeting from the host (sometimes it can really surprise me how happy a person is to see us, haha). tl;dr: It's definitely worth the effort to push past the friction sometimes.

matthewtse 3y ago

I really identify with this article. I find the modern "autopilot" social life tends to put me in touch with much the same people. Whether that's through meeting similar friends of friends, similar socioeconomic people through work, or algorithmically-determined similar people through social media or dating apps. I put a conscious effort to live in a large city and interact with the people around me every day, and sometimes I'm called weird for it. But I think it's weirder that we move around these cities and treat everyone as "strangers to be ignored" until the moment we meet up with our target social group, and suddenly everyone these is "someone interesting and worth talking to".

lusus_naturae 3y ago

For people who work in defense, strangers randomly talking to them is always a sticky point.

sambazi 3y ago
yea, living near an us overseas base, you gotta be careful with questions about their $dayjob

bradley13 3y ago

Not so long ago, I was having my first cup of coffee in a hotel restaurant. A woman sat down directly across from me and started off with how nice it was to have someone to chat with. Um. No. I was polite, but...no. I had no interest in learning who she was, why she was there, or what she did for a living. I heard all of that anyway. Look, I haven't put on my social facade yet and I am not interested. You're next to me on the train? I have zero interest in talking to you.

meindnoch 3y ago
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swayvil 3y ago
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- coldtea 3y ago
  Obviously no, else they'd had no problem
- dominojab 3y ago
  [dead]
MrVandemar 3y ago
Yeah, people are wierd. I don't know what kind of narciscism you need to have to think you and what you have to say is interesting to someone else. I don't strike up random conversations because: a) I'd have to listen to them discuss (probably) the footy, or their Rav-4. That's incredibly tedious. b) They sure don't browse HN, and to have an interesting conversation, I'd have to explain a lot of things instead of being able to debate or explore them.
0xParlay 3y ago
Sounds like she really needed someone to talk to. Might've helped keep her sanity. Thanks for being polite

hackermatic 3y ago

The cultural differences about this are vast even in the United States. In the part of the Midwest where I grew up, strangers would come up and offer compliments about your outfit or car, make friendly small talk in the grocery store checkout line, or at least offer a quiet "hi" and smile when passing on the sidewalk. In the Pacific Northwest, we try not to even look at each other when passing, although people are friendly when something does get us talking.

grecy 3y ago
I live in a small mountain town now, and it's unthinkable you would walk past someone on the sidewalk and not say hi.
monero-xmr 3y ago
No one is friendly in urban areas because you are getting accosted / hustled so often. If a stranger tries to talk to me I have to give an ocular pat down and risk assessment before engaging beyond a skeptical glance.
- deleted 3y ago
  [deleted]
- Liquix 3y ago
  > I have to give an ocular patdown hold it right there, jabroni
- MenhirMike 3y ago
  Are you sure that you don't want to make some extra money on the side by joining my MLM? You can do so from the comfort of your vacation home timeshare! And if something happens to you, do you really have the term life insurance that you absolutely need?
- ekidd 3y ago
  > No one is friendly in urban areas Yes, this is mostly an urban/rural divide. I've lived in several small New England towns where people talk to each other in public all the time. But I've also lived in Boston. And I've learned that if a stranger strikes up a conversation in Boston, there are two possibilities: 1. They need directions or emergency aid. 2. Or they have absolutely no grasp of appropriate social norms, and I am about to have a deeply weird conversation. At best. In theory, I am perfectly happy to speak with strangers on the subway. In practice, I do not wish to hear about how lizard people rule the world.

gabrielsroka 3y ago

2021 See also https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27809018 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27809018

hooverd 3y ago

They say talking to strangers helps you work on social anxiety, and that people really won't remember you, but I get the impression from this thread that people will remember you for the rest of their lives and tell all their friends about how weird you were.

tayo42 3y ago
It takes alot to be memorably weird, no unhinged political takes, conspiracy theories, don't start crying, don't talk about your near death experiences. Anyway what does it matter? Those all happened to me, I suspect they're living their lives indifferent of my opinion.

AndrewKemendo 3y ago

I doubt gregarious people need more data to cold start social interactions (I certainly don’t) Similarly, non social people aren’t that way because the data suggests it’s better, and data isn’t going to change that Rather some mix of biological differences in attention, cognitive arousal styles and environmental conditioning determine sociality The more interesting question to me is “what are the environmental and structural contexts that maximize ‘high engagement’ prosociality?” With the follow on “via what means would we modify our current environment to realize that optimization”

tilne 3y ago
I very much agree. I would consider myself to be more asocial than average, though certainly not aggressively so. The types of sentiments expressed in this article are usually written by very social people who see conversation as some inherent good. I think you are in the minority of such social butterflies in terms of checking that assumption. For an example, take this quote: > But that is not the whole story. In mid-life and beyond people can still experience the joy of a random meeting, however short, which somehow touches a nerve. What exactly is the joy? Is that joy not something I can obtain more easily via the “traditional” social channels I’ve cultivated over the course of my life thus far? And won’t a social interaction in one of those channels have a much greater chance of lasting positive impact given that person is more likely to be someone I interact with regularly, enabling me to build off that initial interaction over time? Moreover, what’s the downside of the encounter? I suspect a lot of asocial people like myself strongly dislike the much more common awkwardness and self-doubt that accompany a social interaction that goes poorly. Is enduring a lot of that really worth the few instances where you feel a fleeting sense of connection? Putting effort into that social interaction also means I will have less energy to put into other pursuits that mean more to me: my marriage, playing piano, reading, career goals, riding my bike, existing friendships, etc. I don’t disagree with the article necessarily, but I do think it’s mostly an “ode to random social encounters” more than a serious attempt to make a case for why people not predisposed to doing so should try to have more random social encounters. The questions you ask in your last two sentences really get at the interesting stuff. But of course they are too nuanced and complex to answer in any comprehensive, generalized way within an easily digestible length.

black3r 3y ago

I can talk for hours with anyone about anything, but I have some kind of social anxiety about starting the conversation, and that sadly goes not just for strangers but also for people I'm familiar with but not super familiar... I'd never start talking to a person sitting next to me on a train or a plane, but when they start I'm most often very glad to have someone to talk to...

nuancebydefault 3y ago
I hope i will run into you. I like starting conversations. I tend to hate it when people slow down or block the conversation by simply replying with a short yes or no, even when there's nothing for them to do (while, say, waiting in a queue) other than gazing at their little screen.
- _def 3y ago
  I hate to do that but it often happens. I'm not sure why, but I wanted to share that it can be incompetence to keep it up rather than being not interested.

RugnirViking 3y ago

I wish more people would talk to me on trains planes or wherever else. If ever something like that does happen it usually really brightens my day. You might ask why I don't start such conversations. I simply do not think im capable. I wish I were, but ive spent a great deal of stress trying to get myself to talk freely at things like conferences, parties, etc. I just can't do it. This affliction I think is more and more common.

nuancebydefault 3y ago
I often start conversations with random people around. It feels liberating to be able to do so, I recommend it. Now and then I learn something interesting. Oftentimes, I start the conversation but also have the last word. Which feels frustrating. You can't have it all.
nico 3y ago
Try the book The Charisma Myth, it has some great exercises to help you do stuff like talking to strangers. You have to do the exercises though There is stuff there that can help you get people to talk to you without initiating the conversation yourself That book changed my life
- PartiallyTyped 3y ago
  There's something quite funny about reading a book, an activity usually enjoyed alone sans conversations, about well, conversations. Thanks for the recommendation, I will give it a try.
  - nico 3y ago
    For sure. However, the most important thing is not reading the book, but doing the exercises If you could do just one thing, I’d recommend only reading the intro and practicing the 3 tips/exercises as much as possible until they become a habit
- sph 3y ago
  I have the same issue as GP, and the Charisma Myth book has sat, unread, in my bookshelf for a year. I also bought the audiobook with my Audible trial, still unlistened. Self help books have a tendency to feel hollow and unsatisfying by the time you reach the end, but I really wish I could stop overthinking the process of striking a chat with a complete stranger. I am quite pleasant and I believe witty once the conversation gets going, but by God, I couldn't start a conversation to save my life. I'll try to read that book, hopefully I'm not let down by the hope there is a social magic trick I have never been privy to.

bassrattle 3y ago

There's an emerging star named Johnny Hamcheck whose whole schtick is talking to strangers in ways they don't expect. It's harmless unscripted humor. If you like Surveillance Camera Man, this might be for you. I'm linking his YouTube, even though he gets a tiny fraction of the views there compared to other platforms: https://youtube.com/@johnnyhamcheck https://youtube.com/@johnnyhamcheck

1337biz 3y ago
This is so weird. But I love watching it. Crazy the level of intimacy he can sometimes achieve sometimes with made up ideas.

nico 3y ago

For anyone interested in developing the skills for talking to strangers, I highly recommend the book The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane It has some really good exercises to build confidence and ease social anxiety

teekert 3y ago

“Children are taught never to speak to unknown grown-ups, especially those regarded by their parents as untrustworthy.” Not my kids, they talk to anyone. When they ask me a question about someone I encourage them to ask the person. When the want something I encourage them to ask (respectfully). They always, always get nice responses and I get friendly conversations afterwards. Think of yourself, how would you react? Well 99.999 of people would react the same.

swah 3y ago
I'm generally in a mood such that someone starting some small talk to me turns around my whole day for the better. Of course, if there is some back and forth etc the effect is stronger..
catiopatio 3y ago
I would react politely to your children and, if further engaged by you, continue to converse with you politely. I would also genuinely, deeply, and silently dislike every second of the forced interaction. 99.999% of people might react the same, but that doesn’t mean we all feel the same.
- ambicapter 3y ago
  Sounds like you need to work on your disengagement skills.
  - dchftcs 3y ago
    Disengagement works because not everyone out there is trying to talk to everyone. If you change cultural norms such that every child should talk to strangers a lot, it'll be tiring to have to do this "disengagement" 10 times a day.
    - cpach 3y ago
      And the risk for this happening… Do you think it’s a big risk? These days, a lot of kids just engage with their smartphone instead.

speps 3y ago

Or watch How To With John Wilson, season 1 episode 1 How To Make Small Talk, very enlightening!

mettamage 3y ago

I overanalyze social interaction. I'm a constant beginner at it. I'm constant scared. Yea, whatever, I don't care, let's do some talking! How to talk to someone? There are a few ways: 1. Give a compliment that you genuinely mean. It has to be genuine because sometimes you gotta go in-depth with your compliment to show that it's genuine. Such as: "I really like your whole outfit style. I don't want to assume, but it makes me think you're a free spirit playing guitar and I'm just vibing to that feel." 2. Ask a question you're curious about that you think the person next to you might on the off chance know something about. 3. Talk about something happening in the situation that seems to be interesting "do you have any clue why there's such a huge line over there?" 4. Talk about something happening and just make it a statement "I love the fact that Amsterdam has these free water fountains in certain places!" (while everyone is standing near it) 5. Tell a story. When you talk to someone, you need to be aware that they're on autopilot. This means that you first need to grab their attention. I personally do this by saying "excuse me". When they look up, then I tell my actual thing I want to say. Responses: - Good: carry on - Mediocre: maybe carry on? - Not interested: don't carry on. Don't internalize it was you. It might've been you, it might've been something else. You don't know. And even if it was you, maybe it really was some projection of their psychological state that goes back to childhood (aka not really you). You just don't know. But yea, learning to be okay with that not everyone is interested is okay. Other ideas: * Playfulness helps. Playfulness generates humor. I don't know how to generate humor, but I do know how to be playful (playful = don't take things seriously, don't look for truth, do look for fun and play). * Curiosity helps. * Asking questions helps, as long as you're interested in them and you're not asking them to just carry the conversation. * Statements help. Not everything needs to be Q&A. * Telling stories help. Just in general, it gives people to latch onto a lot. I hope this helps some. It's a non-comprehensive guide made by someone who has spend a lot of time thinking about it (but at the moment is quite rusty :P). I fail at it often, I succeed at it often as well. Whatever, I'm talking to people. Failure and success doesn't matter. All that matters is are you sending a ping to the whole wide world, or not? :D

JumpinJack_Cash 3y ago

Yes, but there has to be a non-zero probability of them becoming some sort of presence in your life. Say at the airport or abroad the chances are essentially 0.0% for friendship and somewhat higher for romantic relationships provided that you are young and wild enough. More generally guys should strive to build a crew , some sort of small army of friends whose components are stable during the course of time.

Fergazi 3y ago
Can't you just talk to someone for the simple heck of it? I have had a few interesting conversations with strangers on planes. Most recently, I talked to a former government worker from Hawaii. I never saw them again, but I enjoyed just hearing their experiences and views because they were a random person from a completely random walk of life that I would otherwise never encounter as part of my normal weekly routine.

Eumenes 3y ago

I recently went on vacation abroad and struck up so many pleasant conversations with other Americans and some Brits, Irish, and Australians - maybe its cause we were excited to speak the same language, but it was strange, because this rarely happens in my part of the US (everyone seems to be in their own clique or group).

deleted 3y ago

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JustAPerson 3y ago

I’ve spent years of therapy trying to overcome my fear of talking to strangers. Mostly it just feels inappropriate and unwanted; like I would be intruding on people. I can talk to strangers when there’s an appropriate social context (e.g. clerks / service people). But lacking the right context, it feels deeply uncomfortable. Has anyone overcome this problem? Where would you go to interact with strangers–importantly where there’s an appropriate social context that permits interacting.

ratg13 3y ago
Literally any event/gathering is a great place to start. The whole point of bringing groups together is to encourage people to interact. It’s awkward for everyone, but you can make it less awkward for others by just being friendly.. complimenting someone, or even just asking a simple question to get some engagement. As long as you are respectful, friendly, and not pushy, everyone will respect you back. Try to find some local gatherings in your own community, maybe a church potluck (they won’t care if you’re not religious, they are just happy you are there) .. maybe a local game shop has some DND evenings, or just find something that aligns with your personal interests. To improve your nervousness about speaking, toastmasters or a Dale Carnegie class are both good options as well.
hansoolo 3y ago
You can interact with strangers everywhere! In a queue in supermarket, in a football stadium or in a train. If they don't want to talk you should be able to recognize it instantly.
Invictus0 3y ago
Love yourself first. Love yourself first. If you truly believe that you have value; that when you open your mouth and speak to others, you brighten their day; that when other people meet you, they are happier or smarter than they were before they met you; then it is your natural obligation to talk to other people (don't dehumanize them by calling them strangers), because you are giving them the gift of your own special human light.
- 3y ago

financypants 3y ago

In Utah, we have this common phenomenon where if a stranger starts up a conversation and is being chatty, it’s likely that they are trying to recruit you for their MLM

famahar 3y ago

My whole job is to talk to strangers for 4- 8 hours and help their English conversation skills. Everyone I talk to is fascinating and most of the time they just want someone to listen rather than correct their English.

tysam_and 3y ago

I'm autistic, and it's taken me a long time to learn how to start. It's been worth it. Today, a woman and I were both looking at the same display in Hobby Lobby, both clearly looking for something. When she moved over, I used something I've learned recently, which is, "Oh, sorry to be in your way -- I'm just looking for something to build a backpack with." Which is not entirely true, since it's a nopack -- a system which uses everyday components from my backpacking experience to make a carrying system, but close enough. A strange lie that is expected in simplification. I've learned that this mode of phrasing means "Hi, I'm interested in maybe the same thing as you are, and would like to make potential conversation about [topic mentioned] or [thing we are mutually looking at] (or, as I later realized just now, [topic behind why you're looking at the thing you're looking at]). She took me up on all three of those things, and we talked about jean zippers, backpacking, safety on the Appalachian Trail (I'm a trans nonbinary woman/gal, I don't think she noticed though from how the conversation went. Places like Hobby Lobby and Chick Fil A can have a different vibe to them when not passing well), and a few other miscellaneous things. It was very nice, we talked maybe 5-10 minutes or so before going on our separate ways. My day felt more full, I felt more happy, and less isolated. I wish there was a dictionary, or some kind of book/guide that explained these kinds of things. Somebody on the Appalachian Trail this year taught me how to indirectly ask for things (i.e. "Do you know a good way to get to [X town]?" while wearing a backpack sorta means "Hey, can you give me a ride please?". This was a shocking revelation to me, and made life much easier). Having a clear, simple guide would have saved me much grief. These things aren't complicated, they're just too complex and too hidden for most of us to sort out through all of the information overwhelm mire. I'm happy to talk more about this topic, I could really talk about it for a long time <3 :'))))

dave8088 3y ago
Can you recommend any resources for learning this sort of thing?
- QuantumG 3y ago
  I don't know where you live, but most large cities have an Improv Comedy scene that includes courses, weekly meetups and workshops. You will learn: * How to talk like you have something to say * How to leave space for others to talk * Helping the conversation move along * Saying stuff that is interesting but not necessarily true without being deceptive * Be funny now and then (YMMV)