7 ms·

A higher number of sexual partners impairs pair bonding. And obviously if that number is around 23 partners, the odds are not great. I'm not a traditionalist my

by wvh 3y ago

A higher number of sexual partners impairs pair bonding. And obviously if that number is around 23 partners, the odds are not great. I'm not a traditionalist myself, I'm merely stating there are real non-political non-moral reasons to view a high partner count as not conducive to long-term relationship satisfaction.

Nursie 3y ago
You’ll have some good peer-reviewed study on this bonding I presume? The kind that factors in how much people lie about this stuff?
- causality0 3y ago
  Wouldn't that just be a statistical law? The Lindy's effect? The more partners you have, the more partners you will have before the end of your life.
- alfnor 3y ago
  > For women marrying since the start of the new millennium: > Women with 10 or more partners were the most likely to divorce, but this only became true in recent years; > Women with 3-9 partners were less likely to divorce than women with 2 partners; and, > Women with 0-1 partners were the least likely to divorce. https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-li... > In our sample, only 23 percent of the individuals who got married over the course of the study had had sex solely with the person they married. That minority of men and women reported higher marital quality than those who had had sex with other partners prior to marriage. We further found that the more sexual partners a woman had had before marriage, the less happy she reported her marriage to be. This association was not statistically significant for men. https://before-i-do.org/ https://before-i-do.org/ > We investigated sex differences in shoulder to hip ratios (SHR) and waist to hip ratios (WHR), and their relationships to different features of sexual behavior. Males with high SHR and females with low WHR reported sexual intercourse at an earlier age, more sexual partners, more extra-pair copulations (EPC), and having engaged in more instances of intercourse with people who were involved in another relationship (i.e., having themselves been EPC partners). The predictive value of these morphological features was highly sex-specific. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1090-5138(02)00149-6 https://doi.org/10.1016/S1090-5138(02)00149-6 > Past sexual promiscuity and sexual fantasies (Predictions 10 and 11). In both contexts, a partner’s concealed past sexual promiscuity (promiscuity) was rated as one of the more upsetting forms of deception (about 1 SD above the overall mean). Ratings did not differ by sex (ps > .05), failing to support Prediction 10. Prediction 11 was supported in the long term, with men’s ratings of a partner’s concealed sexual fantasies about others (sexual fantasy) relatively higher than women’s. There was no significant sex difference in the short term (p > .05). These results mirror those observed for sexual infidelity and flirtation and further suggest that the risk of cuckoldry constitutes a potent form of strategic interference for men in the long-term mating context. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271303 https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271303
  - Nursie 3y ago
    1. Conservative think-tank, there's a lot missing from their analysis - "women who married as virgins had the lowest divorce rates by far." - this could be explained by things like the coercive social situation they found themselves in. 2. That source seems of questionable quality - https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/my-rejection-of-the-national-marriage-projects-before-i-do/ https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/my-rejecti... 3 & 4 - seem irrelevant.
    - mensetmanusman 3y ago
      1. That’s a niche explanation 2. Lots of sources say the same ¾. Arbitrary
  - mejutoco 3y ago
    I am assuming those numbers were self-reported. Happy to be corrected otherwise.
  - CuriouslyC 3y ago
    People who have more relationship experience can recognize when a relationship isn't living up to what it could be, unexperienced people are just ignorant. It's hard for the grass to always be greener when you live in a windowless box. Attractive people fuck, news at 11. People get jealous/insecure when they feel like they're not living up to their partner's experiences/expectations. This is totally a HUGE problem, and also people should never eat any fancy or exotic food because then they'll be disappointed they can't afford to eat it all the time and affordable food has been ruined forever.
    - bt4u 3y ago
      [dead]
    - insickness 3y ago
      So you're saying people who have been in fewer relationships are less happy in their relationships. Most of the evidence points to the contrary.
not_alexb 3y ago
I've definitely had more than 23 and I love my current partner of 6 years far more than anyone I've loved before. If anything, all the other partners have made me appreciate how amazing of a partner I have. I absolutely could not say the same about the partner previous; or even the one previous to them. I've also heard the sentiment I've expressed many times over by people who have had many partners. Anyways, I usually bond with people because of the unique things that each partner brings to the table; I've loved each one for very different fun and amazing reasons. Sometimes the bond is tighter because of those unique things, sometimes it's not. I don't remotely understand why people with no experience in a given subject matter like to speak so authoritatively on it.
- number6 3y ago
  Male? Works different in man then in women.
  - not_alexb 3y ago
    I've heard both express the same sentiments independently and on their own accord.
    - valval 3y ago
      Although women have more reason to lie.
- decremental 3y ago
  [dead]
- cpursley 3y ago
  US CDC are the ones who put out the pair bonding study - and there’s lots of other research. https://www.quora.com/Does-having-lots-of-sexual-partners-affect-one-s-ability-to-pair-bond-with-a-spouse-later-If-so-what-should-society-try-to-do-about-it https://www.quora.com/Does-having-lots-of-sexual-partners-af...
ookblah 3y ago
Sure, I'll concede that something is going on, but I'll contend that it's less the number and more what led to the number. At the extremes it probably makes it more likely that smoke does indeed indicate fire. Ops post makes no indication that's what he was getting at and tries to pass off his opinions as some fact of human nature.
FooBarBizBazz 3y ago
There's something basic and physical about this. Your first time involves levels of adrenaline and god-knows what other hormones that leave you shaking like you're having a fucking seizure. Your body does things it has never done before or since. When you're older, a sneeze is a bigger deal. This shit rewires your brain in serious ways.
- FooBarBizBazz 3y ago
  Nobody disputes, that if they ship you off to 'Nam, and your body gears up into crazy levels of fight-or-flight, then when you get back you might just have a severe reaction whenever the fireworks go off on the Fourth of July. Nobody disputes, that if you give birth to a child -- your child -- then you will be overcome with love, with emotion, with levels of oxytocin you have never experienced before in your life. Nobody disputes either that this is real, or that negative hangover effects like postpartum depression are also possible and serious. I'm not saying this to be a prude. In fact, I think there's something bizarrely sterile and sexless about many things in our society. But still, I think it is a mistake to trivialize things that are not trivial.
gabereiser 3y ago
Unless you cite a study, this is just male fear psychology. You can absolutely find love no matter how many partners you’ve had so long as you both agree on what your relationship is and monogamy and things like that. Your fear is that if she’s had more partners than you then she’ll just leave you or is “unpairable” is sex shaming. The reasons you failed to state are non-tangible male-ego think.
- xhevahir 3y ago
  Come on. You can't demand that the other person cite a study in support of their argument and then just blithely throw around a lot of bald assertions and accusations.
  - gabereiser 3y ago
    Sure: https://medium.com/the-noösphere/its-2022-why-women-with-high-body-count-are-still-being-slut-shamed-27b1125dab1f https://medium.com/the-noösphere/its-2022-why-women-with-hig... https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4244004/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4244004/ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1088868319891310 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/108886831989131... https://digitalcommons.acu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1395&context=etd https://digitalcommons.acu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1... There have been numerous studies…
Dig1t 3y ago
This is so true for me. I was with too many people before marrying my wife (a few weeks ago). The decision to get married was really difficult for me, I had to force myself, because I knew that I could sit around just dating different people forever. She has had 0 partners before me and it was the easiest decision in the world for her. If I could go back in time I would do it differently, I would pick a partner earlier and not worry so much about being with different people. I dated some amazing people that would have made incredible lifelong partners, but never married them because I "wasn't ready", when in fact it would have been nice going through major life stages and events with one partner to share in the ups and downs. I definitely did notice that the more people I was with the less interested I was becoming in actually settling down.
- vGPU 3y ago
  I’ve had the same exact experience. All it left me with was a bunch of “what-is” and “could-been”’s.
  - valval 3y ago
    Adding my similar experience to the mix. I don’t know my number, but I can tell for a fact that the girls who I deeply felt for are in the distant past, and the last dozens have all been some critical evaluation process of the person’s pros and cons in comparison to all the ones before. I hate it. I am happily with someone way less experienced than me now, and I believe I can settle down with her now. I trust my ability to be done with the whole trying to one up on the last one now. If I had to only date people with similar pasts to mine, I most likely wouldn’t be able to trust them, however.
    - vGPU 3y ago
      I agree. I was truly enamored with some of my high school-era paramours. After that, it really became a “is this person more of a benefit than a pain in the arse” calculation. You’d be surprised how few people manage to come out on the positive end after you’ve known them for a few weeks.
scns 3y ago
Having had a high number of partners means one thing: you have options. Might lead to a lower tolerance for bad relationships, which is a good thing IMO. If two people bond tightly depends on their willingness and emotional maturity i'd say. Fixating on a number seems redudutionist.
- andreiii 3y ago
  most women have options. the number is more about self control.
  - scns 3y ago
    I know women who jumped from one boyfriend to the next, i'm male though. Took my time after a breakup to heal and reflect.

by wvh 3y ago

Nursie 3y ago

You’ll have some good peer-reviewed study on this bonding I presume? The kind that factors in how much people lie about this stuff?

causality0 3y ago
Wouldn't that just be a statistical law? The Lindy's effect? The more partners you have, the more partners you will have before the end of your life.
alfnor 3y ago
> For women marrying since the start of the new millennium: > Women with 10 or more partners were the most likely to divorce, but this only became true in recent years; > Women with 3-9 partners were less likely to divorce than women with 2 partners; and, > Women with 0-1 partners were the least likely to divorce. https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-link-between-premarital-sex-and-marital-stability https://ifstudies.org/blog/counterintuitive-trends-in-the-li... > In our sample, only 23 percent of the individuals who got married over the course of the study had had sex solely with the person they married. That minority of men and women reported higher marital quality than those who had had sex with other partners prior to marriage. We further found that the more sexual partners a woman had had before marriage, the less happy she reported her marriage to be. This association was not statistically significant for men. https://before-i-do.org/ https://before-i-do.org/ > We investigated sex differences in shoulder to hip ratios (SHR) and waist to hip ratios (WHR), and their relationships to different features of sexual behavior. Males with high SHR and females with low WHR reported sexual intercourse at an earlier age, more sexual partners, more extra-pair copulations (EPC), and having engaged in more instances of intercourse with people who were involved in another relationship (i.e., having themselves been EPC partners). The predictive value of these morphological features was highly sex-specific. https://doi.org/10.1016/S1090-5138(02)00149-6 https://doi.org/10.1016/S1090-5138(02)00149-6 > Past sexual promiscuity and sexual fantasies (Predictions 10 and 11). In both contexts, a partner’s concealed past sexual promiscuity (promiscuity) was rated as one of the more upsetting forms of deception (about 1 SD above the overall mean). Ratings did not differ by sex (ps > .05), failing to support Prediction 10. Prediction 11 was supported in the long term, with men’s ratings of a partner’s concealed sexual fantasies about others (sexual fantasy) relatively higher than women’s. There was no significant sex difference in the short term (p > .05). These results mirror those observed for sexual infidelity and flirtation and further suggest that the risk of cuckoldry constitutes a potent form of strategic interference for men in the long-term mating context. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271303 https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271303
- Nursie 3y ago
  1. Conservative think-tank, there's a lot missing from their analysis - "women who married as virgins had the lowest divorce rates by far." - this could be explained by things like the coercive social situation they found themselves in. 2. That source seems of questionable quality - https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/my-rejection-of-the-national-marriage-projects-before-i-do/ https://familyinequality.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/my-rejecti... 3 & 4 - seem irrelevant.
  - mensetmanusman 3y ago
    1. That’s a niche explanation 2. Lots of sources say the same ¾. Arbitrary
- mejutoco 3y ago
  I am assuming those numbers were self-reported. Happy to be corrected otherwise.
- CuriouslyC 3y ago
  People who have more relationship experience can recognize when a relationship isn't living up to what it could be, unexperienced people are just ignorant. It's hard for the grass to always be greener when you live in a windowless box. Attractive people fuck, news at 11. People get jealous/insecure when they feel like they're not living up to their partner's experiences/expectations. This is totally a HUGE problem, and also people should never eat any fancy or exotic food because then they'll be disappointed they can't afford to eat it all the time and affordable food has been ruined forever.
  - bt4u 3y ago
    [dead]
  - insickness 3y ago
    So you're saying people who have been in fewer relationships are less happy in their relationships. Most of the evidence points to the contrary.

not_alexb 3y ago

I've definitely had more than 23 and I love my current partner of 6 years far more than anyone I've loved before. If anything, all the other partners have made me appreciate how amazing of a partner I have. I absolutely could not say the same about the partner previous; or even the one previous to them. I've also heard the sentiment I've expressed many times over by people who have had many partners. Anyways, I usually bond with people because of the unique things that each partner brings to the table; I've loved each one for very different fun and amazing reasons. Sometimes the bond is tighter because of those unique things, sometimes it's not. I don't remotely understand why people with no experience in a given subject matter like to speak so authoritatively on it.

number6 3y ago
Male? Works different in man then in women.
- not_alexb 3y ago
  I've heard both express the same sentiments independently and on their own accord.
  - valval 3y ago
    Although women have more reason to lie.
decremental 3y ago
[dead]
cpursley 3y ago
US CDC are the ones who put out the pair bonding study - and there’s lots of other research. https://www.quora.com/Does-having-lots-of-sexual-partners-affect-one-s-ability-to-pair-bond-with-a-spouse-later-If-so-what-should-society-try-to-do-about-it https://www.quora.com/Does-having-lots-of-sexual-partners-af...

ookblah 3y ago

Sure, I'll concede that something is going on, but I'll contend that it's less the number and more what led to the number. At the extremes it probably makes it more likely that smoke does indeed indicate fire. Ops post makes no indication that's what he was getting at and tries to pass off his opinions as some fact of human nature.

FooBarBizBazz 3y ago

There's something basic and physical about this. Your first time involves levels of adrenaline and god-knows what other hormones that leave you shaking like you're having a fucking seizure. Your body does things it has never done before or since. When you're older, a sneeze is a bigger deal. This shit rewires your brain in serious ways.

FooBarBizBazz 3y ago
Nobody disputes, that if they ship you off to 'Nam, and your body gears up into crazy levels of fight-or-flight, then when you get back you might just have a severe reaction whenever the fireworks go off on the Fourth of July. Nobody disputes, that if you give birth to a child -- your child -- then you will be overcome with love, with emotion, with levels of oxytocin you have never experienced before in your life. Nobody disputes either that this is real, or that negative hangover effects like postpartum depression are also possible and serious. I'm not saying this to be a prude. In fact, I think there's something bizarrely sterile and sexless about many things in our society. But still, I think it is a mistake to trivialize things that are not trivial.

gabereiser 3y ago

Unless you cite a study, this is just male fear psychology. You can absolutely find love no matter how many partners you’ve had so long as you both agree on what your relationship is and monogamy and things like that. Your fear is that if she’s had more partners than you then she’ll just leave you or is “unpairable” is sex shaming. The reasons you failed to state are non-tangible male-ego think.

xhevahir 3y ago
Come on. You can't demand that the other person cite a study in support of their argument and then just blithely throw around a lot of bald assertions and accusations.
- gabereiser 3y ago
  Sure: https://medium.com/the-noösphere/its-2022-why-women-with-high-body-count-are-still-being-slut-shamed-27b1125dab1f https://medium.com/the-noösphere/its-2022-why-women-with-hig... https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4244004/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4244004/ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1088868319891310 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/108886831989131... https://digitalcommons.acu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1395&context=etd https://digitalcommons.acu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1... There have been numerous studies…

Dig1t 3y ago

This is so true for me. I was with too many people before marrying my wife (a few weeks ago). The decision to get married was really difficult for me, I had to force myself, because I knew that I could sit around just dating different people forever. She has had 0 partners before me and it was the easiest decision in the world for her. If I could go back in time I would do it differently, I would pick a partner earlier and not worry so much about being with different people. I dated some amazing people that would have made incredible lifelong partners, but never married them because I "wasn't ready", when in fact it would have been nice going through major life stages and events with one partner to share in the ups and downs. I definitely did notice that the more people I was with the less interested I was becoming in actually settling down.

vGPU 3y ago
I’ve had the same exact experience. All it left me with was a bunch of “what-is” and “could-been”’s.
- valval 3y ago
  Adding my similar experience to the mix. I don’t know my number, but I can tell for a fact that the girls who I deeply felt for are in the distant past, and the last dozens have all been some critical evaluation process of the person’s pros and cons in comparison to all the ones before. I hate it. I am happily with someone way less experienced than me now, and I believe I can settle down with her now. I trust my ability to be done with the whole trying to one up on the last one now. If I had to only date people with similar pasts to mine, I most likely wouldn’t be able to trust them, however.
  - vGPU 3y ago
    I agree. I was truly enamored with some of my high school-era paramours. After that, it really became a “is this person more of a benefit than a pain in the arse” calculation. You’d be surprised how few people manage to come out on the positive end after you’ve known them for a few weeks.

scns 3y ago

Having had a high number of partners means one thing: you have options. Might lead to a lower tolerance for bad relationships, which is a good thing IMO. If two people bond tightly depends on their willingness and emotional maturity i'd say. Fixating on a number seems redudutionist.

andreiii 3y ago
most women have options. the number is more about self control.
- scns 3y ago
  I know women who jumped from one boyfriend to the next, i'm male though. Took my time after a breakup to heal and reflect.