6 ms·
I guess I've been a "volcel" for almost 4 years now after an almost 20 year relationship. I have pretty mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I get lonely,
by nvarsj 4y ago
I guess I've been a "volcel" for almost 4 years now after an almost 20 year relationship.
I have pretty mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I get lonely, intensely lonely at times. And I miss the companionship I had (before it got awful.)
On the other hand, I have so much time now to just focus on myself and my kids and my career and hobbies and my mental well being. I've increased my income a lot in the last year and re-sparked hobbies from my youth.
But frankly, I am miserable. I don't know if meeting someone else would solve it, or whether it would just be me escaping (again) from my own demons.
Being alone is one of the toughest things I've experienced. You're forced to be with yourself, all the time! There is no escape, where you can go hug or chat with your significant other. If you don't like yourself, or you have some underlying issues, you have to face it head on - and it's brutal.
I'm trying to be comfortable, even happy, on my own. But it's a slow, grueling process of self awareness and conscious self care.
Dating seems dire these days as well. Tech is a terrible industry for meeting someone. And online dating, which I've tried a few times, I found incredibly tiring and frustrating.
I feel like there is a rise of apathy towards dating and relationships in general. I know many people who are single and sick of it all. It's all kind of depressing and I don't have an answer.
- hammyhavoc 4y agoWorking on yourself will lead you where you want to go. Wishing you health, happiness and peace, and the same for anybody else reading this.
- hexo 4y ago"Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go" sorry, but this is one of the worst lies ever.
- IndigoIncognito 4y agoGiven that this guy has the ability to obtain a partner in the first place, it probably will for him
- kelipso 4y ago[dead]
- hammyhavoc 4y agoIf you get on a train, you are statistically more likely to reach your destination than just sitting on your ass. Yes, you may die in a fiery trainwreck, but getting on the train will lead you in the direction to where you intend to go. If you do nothing, expect nothing. If you attempt to work on your personal problems, be they psychological, physical, financial, whatever, you are more likely to make a change in your life than just accepting that this is your life.
- hexo 4y agoYea, more likely is the correct term. 100% agree on that. Unlike in travel, there is no map or compass to show you the right direction. Especially, when the outcome is exact opposite than intended after many, many months of hard work on yourself.
- hammyhavoc 4y agoStruggling with autism, I not infrequently get on the wrong literal non-metaphorical train, stand on the wrong platform for an hour, pass the station I'm meant to disembark. It's rough. But you can extrapolate that idea to working on yourself too—sometimes we forget to get off the metaphorical train, don't know which train we're meant to be getting, not even sure how to get somewhere, but as long as someone is trying to get somewhere rather than just being content with where they are, I think that's beneficial in most scenarios. I've also struggled with depression, hence the "sitting on your ass", wallowed for many years and just tread water. Execute on intent—do something—carpe diem—make a change—you can always make another—just don't accept your life as-is if you're unhappy with it.
- hexo 4y agoI have to thank you for the positive mindset you're trying to teach us here! Also, as you say, it is very important to not accept bad state -- this is so important I can't stress it enough. Even more, because of how some generic people mindset can easily get you into "learned helplessness" state.
- all2 4y ago> On the one hand, I get lonely, intensely lonely at times. And I miss the companionship I had (before it got awful.) I know the feeling, though perhaps not so deeply. My LTR was only 7 years. > Dating seems dire these days as well. Depending on your religious moors, you might consider hitting some conservative churches.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- EFreethought 4y ago> Depending on your religious moors, you might consider hitting some conservative churches. If OP is a Spaniard, they might not like "religious moors". Not to be pedantic, but I think you meant "mores" (pronounced like "morays").
- all2 4y agoOh, thank you! I always thought it was a sailing reference to moorings.
- selimthegrim 4y agoThe Spaniard I met in Grenada was definitely complaining to me about moros necios lol
- shrimp_emoji 4y agoA relationship can end like that after 20 years? Oh my god. That's basically my whole life. I can't imagine sharing that much of my life, that much time, with another person and then the relationship ending on our terms. Like, they didn't die, or they didn't drink a vial of cancer serum accidentally and whoops I have cancer now I'm dying bye. It ended because you started hating each other? After all that time? That's insane for me to even fathom. I can't even imagine the growth, personally, and in the other person to happen through all that time and to share that time together in a relationship. And then, after all that, it can end because the relationships sours? That almost black pills me on all relationships lmao Luckily, I also can't fathom how people have trouble being with themselves. I'm grateful that I feel as though I'm my own best friend in a way. I like who I am, even with vast room for improvement, and I feel like I do a pretty good job of guiding myself through life to make it a reasonably fulfilling adventure while helping myself become a better person (mostly). From where I'm at now, working on myself and pursuing my hobbies is all I want to do. Introducing the noise of a relationship into it seems... messy.
- loveiswork 4y agoA relationship is like anything else. If you don’t consistently invest in it, it will atrophy. It is scary.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- Invictus0 4y agoYou need to go talk to women in some sort of public setting, rather than expecting them to show up in the office. Don't just accept being lonely.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]