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> Wow. I have problems with Instragram I remember that for a few months before my partner broke up with me, their IG feed was full of reels, posts, 'comedy', '

> Wow. I have problems with Instragram I remember that for a few months before my partner broke up with me, their IG feed was full of reels, posts, 'comedy', 'psychology tips', about people complaining about their partners. And also lots of Insta influencers posts giving relationship tips or encouraging people to break up for diverse reasons. While I'm aware my relationship wasn't perfect, the standards promoted by those aesthetic Insta influencers were really impossible to obtain in real life. Unless of course your life consisted only of perfectly curated Insta moments.

logifail 4y ago
> While I'm aware my relationship wasn't perfect [...] My $0.02: We are taught not to aim for perfection at work[0], that should apply to relationships too. [0] https://hbr.org/tip/2020/02/dont-let-perfect-be-the-enemy-of-good https://hbr.org/tip/2020/02/dont-let-perfect-be-the-enemy-of...
- pixl97 4y ago
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem >It is also known as the marriage problem, the sultan's dowry problem, the fussy suitor problem, the googol game, and the best choice problem. The internet and the options it gives, I believes leads people to think they have far more relationship options then they actually have, and the options they think they have are not as good as they believe. A lot of people put a lot of work in selling a perfect image online, but those rarely hold up in reality for any amount of time. Of course this doesn't mean we should stay in bad relationships either. Our society doesn't really teach us how to have good relationships, especially in a capitalistic fashion (hey, just spend more money and everything will be ok), and quite a lot of us had really poor examples from our parents generation on how to treat other people.
  - neura 4y ago
    I just want to note one little difference. "The internet and the >perceived< options it gives, ..."
kodah 4y ago
If someone is constantly projecting relationship advice social media topics on you'd I'd venture to say you're in an abusive/manipulative relationship as opposed to a healthy one. Glad you got out. I've learned more recently that healthy relationships aren't empirically so. Instead, there's "signs" of a healthy relationship; determining the health of your relationship must be a two way conversation. It requires assessment, honesty, and participation by both parties as a qualifier as well as the ability to listen without your ego involved. That's not to say all of those aren't challenging things to do in their own right just to say that the health of a relationship will be explored differently by different sets of people.
jvm___ 4y ago
All the ideas that the world will be perfect if you would just think thoughts like these... "manifest what you want from the world" and "think positive thoughts and everything will be ok" Is actually kind of true when you think about all the algorithms that run social media. If you only ever search for cats and scroll past anything political, the algorithms will learn what you like and feed you more cats. So, if you're searching up relationship advice, and spending time on those things, that's what you get back from 'the borg'. You do have control over what social media shows you, it's just that you need to work against your basest desires in order to get there.
- Zak 4y ago
  Youtube occasionally, but regularly tries to show me culture war content even though I never watch it and usually tell it "don't recommend this".
  - formerly_proven 4y ago
    From the algorithmic feed PoV it's a very high value cluster (average watchtime has to be very high, audience retention is probably quite excellent) so it's unsurprising that it'll try to get you hooked from time to time.
  - harry8 4y ago
    It's like those "drug pushers" we were told about in school but don't seem to actually exist who use weed to constantly try to get you onto more lucrative for them heroin no matter how many times you say "no thanks." Heard that so many times at school, never heard anyone encountering anything like it in the real world. But here we are with google, facebrick et al saying "come on, just try a little culture war" because its lucrative for them, no matter how many times you say no thank you. It's really sick but yeah, obviously lucrative and Larry, Seregey & Mark clearly need the money.
    - askvictor 4y ago
      Not just the new/tech companies, but gaming/gambling companies, and really, a lot of large businesses in general.
jstarfish 4y ago
> While I'm aware my relationship wasn't perfect, the standards promoted by those aesthetic Insta influencers were really impossible to obtain in real life. In the 4 months I dabbled with Instagram, I was shocked by how toxic and outright false the pop psychology memes were. They were stereotypical, frequently backwards, and deliberately misapplied. And all of that is before the cluster-B LARPing. "Your partner won't give you access to their financial accounts? That's domestic violence, and he probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder too! What's his is yours, so just use his credit card to book plane tickets without asking and remember that him yelling at you about it is verbal abuse, so get out while you still can before he starts beating you! And remember abuse thrives in secrecy-- so make sure you tell everybody how he was so aggressive that you were in constant fear for your life!" Sorry you were on the receiving end of [whatever your case is]. Not even the strongest of relationships can withstand reinforcement of sentiments as corrosive as Instagram, where you're a useless piece of shit if you can't/won't support your partner's ambitions of joining the jet set. You lost your partner to a cult. They're called "followers" for a reason. It starts with separating victims from their loved ones...
- bcrosby95 4y ago
  I saw a youtube short like this. It was a video demonstrating the "perfect" guy. It started reasonable, with him saying "oh can you check this on my phone? the passcode is XYZ" Yeah, I would have trusted my current-wife then-girlfriend with my phone passcode pretty early on, no big deal. She didn't feel the need to know it, but casually telling it to her so she could do something with it is probably a thing that happened. But it started to veer completely weird after that, about abandoning all his friends and stuff. It turned into a giant WTF for me.
  - jstarfish 4y ago
    > But it started to veer completely weird after that, about abandoning all his friends and stuff. It turned into a giant WTF for me. Yeah, this is exactly what I'm talking about. It's long-game triangulation, which is little more than domestic violence perpetrated by the other partner. But men are supposed to feel ashamed of themselves if they're not willing to just blindly go along with it. The irony is, they call this sort of victim the "ideal" guy, while simultaneously deriding him as a "simp" to the rest of their cliques. It's loathesome. I pity anybody involved in the dating game these days.
jsemrau 4y ago
The joy of exploitative recommendation algorithms. I had a discussion with my daughter about TikTok's Glamour Filter the other day and now my whole feed is full of glamour filter posts. This is so unhealthy (mentally).
- thiht 4y ago
  At least on TikTok filters are explicitly marked as such.
xherberta 4y ago
Observe how this amounts to crime. The platform has motive: -newly single users attract more views -newly single users are worth more to advertisers because they’re likely to spend on appearance, travel, new hobbies, and big ticket items formerly shared with a partner. The platform also has opportunity because it has data on exactly what content has highest probability of nudging a particular user to break up. (Perhaps the “you are being abused by a narcissist” stuff others have mentioned works nicely.) (See also Shoshanna Zuboff)
- xherberta 4y ago
  Crime as in algo crime; there are not humans pulling a lever labeled “trash this relationship.”
onetokeoverthe 4y ago
[dead]

logifail 4y ago

> While I'm aware my relationship wasn't perfect [...] My $0.02: We are taught not to aim for perfection at work[0], that should apply to relationships too. [0] https://hbr.org/tip/2020/02/dont-let-perfect-be-the-enemy-of-good https://hbr.org/tip/2020/02/dont-let-perfect-be-the-enemy-of...

pixl97 4y ago
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem >It is also known as the marriage problem, the sultan's dowry problem, the fussy suitor problem, the googol game, and the best choice problem. The internet and the options it gives, I believes leads people to think they have far more relationship options then they actually have, and the options they think they have are not as good as they believe. A lot of people put a lot of work in selling a perfect image online, but those rarely hold up in reality for any amount of time. Of course this doesn't mean we should stay in bad relationships either. Our society doesn't really teach us how to have good relationships, especially in a capitalistic fashion (hey, just spend more money and everything will be ok), and quite a lot of us had really poor examples from our parents generation on how to treat other people.
- neura 4y ago
  I just want to note one little difference. "The internet and the >perceived< options it gives, ..."

kodah 4y ago

If someone is constantly projecting relationship advice social media topics on you'd I'd venture to say you're in an abusive/manipulative relationship as opposed to a healthy one. Glad you got out. I've learned more recently that healthy relationships aren't empirically so. Instead, there's "signs" of a healthy relationship; determining the health of your relationship must be a two way conversation. It requires assessment, honesty, and participation by both parties as a qualifier as well as the ability to listen without your ego involved. That's not to say all of those aren't challenging things to do in their own right just to say that the health of a relationship will be explored differently by different sets of people.

jvm___ 4y ago

All the ideas that the world will be perfect if you would just think thoughts like these... "manifest what you want from the world" and "think positive thoughts and everything will be ok" Is actually kind of true when you think about all the algorithms that run social media. If you only ever search for cats and scroll past anything political, the algorithms will learn what you like and feed you more cats. So, if you're searching up relationship advice, and spending time on those things, that's what you get back from 'the borg'. You do have control over what social media shows you, it's just that you need to work against your basest desires in order to get there.

Zak 4y ago
Youtube occasionally, but regularly tries to show me culture war content even though I never watch it and usually tell it "don't recommend this".
- formerly_proven 4y ago
  From the algorithmic feed PoV it's a very high value cluster (average watchtime has to be very high, audience retention is probably quite excellent) so it's unsurprising that it'll try to get you hooked from time to time.
- harry8 4y ago
  It's like those "drug pushers" we were told about in school but don't seem to actually exist who use weed to constantly try to get you onto more lucrative for them heroin no matter how many times you say "no thanks." Heard that so many times at school, never heard anyone encountering anything like it in the real world. But here we are with google, facebrick et al saying "come on, just try a little culture war" because its lucrative for them, no matter how many times you say no thank you. It's really sick but yeah, obviously lucrative and Larry, Seregey & Mark clearly need the money.
  - askvictor 4y ago
    Not just the new/tech companies, but gaming/gambling companies, and really, a lot of large businesses in general.

jstarfish 4y ago

> While I'm aware my relationship wasn't perfect, the standards promoted by those aesthetic Insta influencers were really impossible to obtain in real life. In the 4 months I dabbled with Instagram, I was shocked by how toxic and outright false the pop psychology memes were. They were stereotypical, frequently backwards, and deliberately misapplied. And all of that is before the cluster-B LARPing. "Your partner won't give you access to their financial accounts? That's domestic violence, and he probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder too! What's his is yours, so just use his credit card to book plane tickets without asking and remember that him yelling at you about it is verbal abuse, so get out while you still can before he starts beating you! And remember abuse thrives in secrecy-- so make sure you tell everybody how he was so aggressive that you were in constant fear for your life!" Sorry you were on the receiving end of [whatever your case is]. Not even the strongest of relationships can withstand reinforcement of sentiments as corrosive as Instagram, where you're a useless piece of shit if you can't/won't support your partner's ambitions of joining the jet set. You lost your partner to a cult. They're called "followers" for a reason. It starts with separating victims from their loved ones...

bcrosby95 4y ago
I saw a youtube short like this. It was a video demonstrating the "perfect" guy. It started reasonable, with him saying "oh can you check this on my phone? the passcode is XYZ" Yeah, I would have trusted my current-wife then-girlfriend with my phone passcode pretty early on, no big deal. She didn't feel the need to know it, but casually telling it to her so she could do something with it is probably a thing that happened. But it started to veer completely weird after that, about abandoning all his friends and stuff. It turned into a giant WTF for me.
- jstarfish 4y ago
  > But it started to veer completely weird after that, about abandoning all his friends and stuff. It turned into a giant WTF for me. Yeah, this is exactly what I'm talking about. It's long-game triangulation, which is little more than domestic violence perpetrated by the other partner. But men are supposed to feel ashamed of themselves if they're not willing to just blindly go along with it. The irony is, they call this sort of victim the "ideal" guy, while simultaneously deriding him as a "simp" to the rest of their cliques. It's loathesome. I pity anybody involved in the dating game these days.

jsemrau 4y ago

The joy of exploitative recommendation algorithms. I had a discussion with my daughter about TikTok's Glamour Filter the other day and now my whole feed is full of glamour filter posts. This is so unhealthy (mentally).

thiht 4y ago
At least on TikTok filters are explicitly marked as such.

xherberta 4y ago

Observe how this amounts to crime. The platform has motive: -newly single users attract more views -newly single users are worth more to advertisers because they’re likely to spend on appearance, travel, new hobbies, and big ticket items formerly shared with a partner. The platform also has opportunity because it has data on exactly what content has highest probability of nudging a particular user to break up. (Perhaps the “you are being abused by a narcissist” stuff others have mentioned works nicely.) (See also Shoshanna Zuboff)

xherberta 4y ago
Crime as in algo crime; there are not humans pulling a lever labeled “trash this relationship.”

onetokeoverthe 4y ago

[dead]