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What to do when you’ve ruined your life

110 points by d_tr 4y ago

kichik 4y ago
I couldn't even read the article because half of it was covered by a newsletter form. No close button. Showed up before I even read one paragraph. Why is every website like this these days?
- brookst 4y ago
  At this point I think the content is just an annoying leftover thing, like an appendix, that often gets in the way of Engagement and Brand Building and Reader Lifetime Value. One day soon the article text will be generated on the fly by ChatGPT based on whatever data it can infer about you, and only enough will be created to get you to sign up for the newsletter so you can be spammed with more personalized content that drives greater engagement. The AI alignment folks were on to something with paper clip maximizes, but the real thing is turning out to be engagement maximizers.
- artisanspam 4y ago
  Not even just that, but half of the content is just distracting GIFs. I can’t focus well on reading content when there are videos playing on the same screen. This is also a trend that needs to stop.
hattmall 4y ago
What drugs?
- luxuryballs 4y ago
  whatever it was it was clearly the good shit
- sambapa 4y ago
  As good a guess as any, but I vote Salvia Divinorum.
  - nibbleshifter 4y ago
    I always find it interesting that so many people have horrible experiences with salvia. I always found it a somewhat enjoyable experience, extremely reality melting during, but short in duration with an interestingly profound "afterglow". I guess it having been sold in gas stations and head shops as ridiculously potent extracts with no readily accessible dosing data might have a lot to do with that.
- DangitBobby 4y ago
  LSD can do it.
- simonswords82 4y ago
  Mushrooms or LSD
- wut42 4y ago
  The author refers to "psychedelic pyrotechnics of my particular story" so i'd say some LSD/LSD RC/Shrooms.
anigbrowl 4y ago
tl;dr subscribe to my blog and maybe sign up for a course, basically a support group for people who like memes and need a pep talk. Shallow but not insincere.
- mb_72 4y ago
  Graham's writings and book helped me make it through Covid isolation and a relationship breakdown. He and his partner have done very good work for many people in the area of mental health in Australia: https://www.bigfeels.club/about-honor-eastly-and-graham-panther https://www.bigfeels.club/about-honor-eastly-and-graham-pant...
  - gengelbro 4y ago
    First article: "For no reason". Second article: "Mighta been the drugs."
  - anigbrowl 4y ago
    Agreed it might be just right for many people. I didn't realize he was Australian, that would have made the tone easier for me to interpret.
- notart666 4y ago
  Usually these kinds of things are just about selling a service. Most pitches on this is are like that just rehashed versions of the same sales pitches
travisjungroth 4y ago
Without more details or more cases, this is an abstraction over a single instance. Not that helpful.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
vba616 4y ago
Everything is a matter of perspective. I wonder if this person thinks his life is ruined: https://www.cnbc.com/2023/01/20/philip-esformes-whose-prison-sentence-trump-commuted-loses-appeal.html https://www.cnbc.com/2023/01/20/philip-esformes-whose-prison... Or this person: `Pol Pot stated that his "conscience is clear" but acknowledged that mistakes were made'
- JadeNB 4y ago
  > `Pol Pot stated that his "conscience is clear" but acknowledged that mistakes were made' I was wondering about the source. This seems to be from a 1997 interview with Robin McDowell: https://apnews.com/article/2a1128d4b0c52563496f1e296df0a229 https://apnews.com/article/2a1128d4b0c52563496f1e296df0a229 .
  - jacquesm 4y ago
    I think Pol Pot was confusing having a clear conscience with having no conscience.
    - amalgamated_inc 4y ago
      Just in terms of percentage, I think Pol Pot must be up there. What was it, 30% of the entire population of the country? Astonishing.
      - jacquesm 4y ago
        There is that part near the end of 'Der Untergang' (which I think is a fantastic movie for many reasons, and which obviously has nothing to do with Pol Pot) where you can see the ease with which the power hungry were absolutely willing to sacrifice their entire population if it meant that they would hold out a few days longer. The inhumanity of what was happening while at the same time being concerned with their own every day little normal bits of life was such an incredible contrast.
iLoveOncall 4y ago
I thought gifs and memes in the middle of articles had died a few years ago but I'm afraid to see they're making a comeback.
RubyRidgeRandy 4y ago
When I was 23, I misdosed myself and took 110mg of 4-AcO-DMT. The experience was EXTREMELY traumatic and I believed I was dying. At one point I was so overstimulated I just lay on my kitchen floor convulsing uncontrollably. The next few days I didn't know what to do. My body would just shake, I couldn't sleep and I stayed up until I passed out for an hour, and then my shaking would wake up myself up again. I was overwhelmed with dread and thought I had completely fucked my brain forever and all my potential was gone. But I went to therapy, got better, and my life is completely normal now. I have HPPD and see visual snow, but that's about it. This blog doesn't want to give platitudes like "it gets better" and I can see how they're not really helpful when you're in crisis mode. The one piece of advice that has helped me is the thinking that "I'm not the first one to ever go through this, and I won't be the last." No matter if you're fucked in the head, going bankrupt, getting divorced - whatever - you aren't alone and you can either find a solution or find acceptance.
- DrBenCarson 4y ago
  Wow 110mg is an enormous amount. Glad to hear you’re doing better.
- drewcoo 4y ago
  > When I was 23, I misdosed myself and took 110mg of 4-AcO-DMT. Are you sure that was "micro" dosing? It doesn't sound so micro. And this says it's at least an order of magnitude larger dosage than a microdose would be. https://thethirdwave.co/microdosing/dmt/ https://thethirdwave.co/microdosing/dmt/
  - moralestapia 4y ago
    >misdosed
  - sp332 4y ago
    The part you quoted doesn't say micro. Spell it out.
  - tjr225 4y ago
    [dead]
bounceyhouse84 4y ago
[flagged]
- amalgamated_inc 4y ago
  I kept waiting for "I got fired" or "I killed somebody in a DUI and am going to jail" but there doesn't appear anything in his life that actually.. you know... ruined it?
  - AeroNotix 4y ago
    Couldn't handle his buzz.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- aqme28 4y ago
  I don't understand this comment. You can, like me, fail to engage with the writing or the topic. But what's wrong with writing about your experiences on your blog? Why should that not be centered around yourself?
  - travisjungroth 4y ago
    He barely wrote about his experiences. He had a bad trip after some undisclosed drug and also had something bad happen more recently that is unshared. If you want to share the first hand account of your life, do that. If you want to make theoretical arguments, do that. If you want to offer empiricism by looking broadly or in detail, do that. What’s less worthwhile is to share as little of your life as possible while generalizing it into advice as much as possible. You can claim “I’m just sharing my experiences”, but that’s not really it. The experiences are a fig leaf, a way to speak with maximal authority with minimal accountability.
- kingkawn 4y ago
  The privileged have to invent their suffering in their leisure activities so that their lives feel any drop of meaning other than being an achievement trophy for the elder generation.
Operative0198 4y ago
Why do people still use email as a way of subscribing to content? There are many better and more efficient ways to solve this problem rather than having your subscription mail go straight to junk mail.
- googlryas 4y ago
  Are there methods with similar reach as email though?
  - Operative0198 4y ago
    If reach is your top priority then social media platforms beat email no contest.
  - pjot 4y ago
    Would a blog via physical mail work? I wonder if content would be more substantive or intentional.
- ramphastidae 4y ago
  What are the many and better ways? Social media certainly isn't one of them. Subscription email also shouldn't go to junkmail unless you're doing something very wrong.
  - Operative0198 4y ago
    Social media profile notifications. Web push notifications. Good ol trusty RSS...
    - celsoazevedo 4y ago
      > Social media profile notifications Requires you to create an account on that specific platform, plus we have a few examples (eg: Facebook, YouTube) where the platform might decide to not notify everyone if the content isn't "worthy". Edit: And since timelines now are curated by some algorithm, you can't trust it to show you all new content. > Web push notifications Abused by many to send you crap, not always easy to keep everything working when moving to another device. It's disabled on my browser. > Good ol trusty RSS I like RSS. And this blog offers a feed: https://www.bigfeels.club/public-articles?format=rss https://www.bigfeels.club/public-articles?format=rss Email... maybe not trendy, but it works okay.
pigtailgirl 4y ago
-- article gives no good advice on what to do when you ruined your life - so maybe hackernews has some good advice? --
- meindnoch 4y ago
  Depends on how you’ve ruined it. E.g. if you’ve got senteced to life in prison, then you should pick up a hobby like mathematics.
- pjot 4y ago
  You can always start a blog.
- frontman1988 4y ago
  It's tough giving advice without knowing the specifics. Ruined the life is different for different people. Someone who's failed their college degree might think their life is ruined, another person who's lost their entire family might think their life is ruined. Both are quite different cases to diagnose. For a general template, ChatGPT actually offers a good response: If you feel like you've "ruined your life," it's important to remember that it's never too late to make changes and improve your situation. Here are a few steps you can take: 1. Acknowledge what went wrong: Take responsibility for your actions and understand that you have the power to change the course of your life. 2. Seek help: Whether it's from a therapist, counselor, or support group, talking to someone about your feelings and situation can help you gain perspective and develop a plan for moving forward. 3. Make a plan: Identify specific goals and steps you can take to achieve them, such as getting a job, going back to school, or improving your relationships. 4. Take action: It's important to take consistent, small steps towards your goals. Even if progress is slow, you are moving forward. 5. Be patient with yourself: Remember that change takes time and that setbacks are normal. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. 6. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you in your journey. It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that it's possible to recover from even the most difficult situations. With time and effort, you can rebuild your life and create a better future for yourself.
- throwayyy479087 4y ago
ramphastidae 4y ago
This is obviously an advertisement, containing very little information, for a paid "club" of questionable value. Flagged.
spaniard89277 4y ago
Is it a good thing to ruin your life more than once? I'm still paying the price of not having a structured family (not my fault), not studying when I should, and spending pretty much all my life until I was close to 30 yo doing mostly nothing of substance. It took me serious determination and hard work to close the gap. I did get my diplomas and stuff (and even chose the wrong degree for me), and still takes a toll on me. I'm 35 and I'm in a free self-paced bootcamp (because I need to work and sustain myself, and I can't just pay 8k to barely learn anything for six months, without income), doing what I have should done 15 years ago, which is programming/data/etc. Internally, I'm (kind of, not completely) in peace with my life, but mistakes do have a cost. Maybe if your family is rich or your mistake is a one-off then you can manage it without much of a problem, but fucking up your life can take very different forms. You pay not only with your income, but socially too. You really have to get good at selling snake oil for getting attention from girls for example, or befriending people who's above your income level, and so much more. So yeah, I don't think "ruining your life" is that fine.
- fwipsy 4y ago
  I took it as meaning "It's a good thing that it's possible to 'ruin your life' more than once because it means you survived the first time and have some experience for the second time." Not meaning "It's a good thing to ruin your life the second time." I think that heading was being unnecessarily clever in order to grab attention, but I don't think the article ever says it's a good thing to ruin your life, ever.
- everyone 4y ago
  I did also "nothing of substance" until I was almost 30 also.. But it's fine I dont regret it. I did what I wanted at the time and I enjoyed that part of my life. When I was approaching 30 I suddenly got these urges to get my life together and get a career, and I did, it was grand. I guess I am lucky and privileged, I did a free government course in programming and I loved it and that launched my career then.
  - teh_klev 4y ago
    > I did also "nothing of substance" until I was almost 30 also.. But it's fine I dont regret it. Much the same here. I enjoyed the company of friends, read a load of stuff, had many adventures with a motorbike, beer and curry, lived in shared houses and worked in a crappy mundane easy-osy job as a field engineer. During this time I still maintained a fleeting interest in software development (I still read Byte, EXE, Dr Dobbs etc and fiddled with code). Then one day I tired of the easy going but not well paid lifestyle and wangled my way into a VC backed ISV to establish myself as a developer (though for a while - I took an 18 month break to work as a data centre engineer, which involved the build out a moderately sized site and an internet exchange point). And here I am on the wrong side of my mid 50's with very few regrets. Not no regrets because there are two or three (one is a relationship I really made a mess of, and succumbing to a very long period of anxiety disorder after my marriage exploded), but now I'm largely just fine.
joshmarinacci 4y ago
There’s not really advice here but it does speak the truth. In one year both my marriage and my mother died. I’m still here and still surviving. I still have days that feel hopeless, but that really is because fear doesn’t know the future. It makes me feel comfortable saying to myself “Today sucked and was a complete wash. Let’s go to bed and try again tomorrow.”
- sarks_nz 4y ago
  "Let’s go to bed and try again tomorrow" sounds like the epitome of being human to me. My new mantra.
meindnoch 4y ago
Cautionary tale for those insisting that psychedelics are 100% safe. You may end up wrecking your brain like this guy.
raydiatian 4y ago
The weird thing is the bulk of our time spent “in a painful experience” is willing participation. The anatomy of a painful experience is stimuli & response. The stimuli are (generally speaking) pretty brief, but you have no say in them. The response is the part where I have wallowed in self pity for months, have screamed myself hoarse into the void, etc. Recently, sometimes I can’t help but see an optional epicycle wrapped around the whole experience like “ah, pain again. okay, let’s get this over with and get back to what I care about.”
s1artibartfast 4y ago
I think the key aspect to overcoming losses resetting Baseline expectations though that you can move forward without overwhelming sorrow and regret. I think the interesting question is if this is possible in a objective way. A lot of people that I've met rationalize dramatic experience and loss with the idea that it made them who they are, and is there for a net positive. I've heard this from people after suffering lifelong injury or acquiring permanent disease like AIDS. It seems difficult to accept that it is water under the bridge without rationalizing that it was necessary. I guess from a deterministic point of view, maybe it was
csmpltn 4y ago
Have a fantastic loving partner, an incredible house we worked so much on, an amazing job with fantastic people I enjoy being around every day. I've decided to part ways with my partner now and move out, be on my own again at 30. I could've started a family now, but chose not to. I don't know if that opportunity will ever come again. I've tried hard, but I just couldn't shake off the feeling of living a life according to a template, or a recipe. Holding myself up to everybody's expectations but mine. Feels like I'm ruining my life by walking away from people that truly care about me. I don't want to bask in regret. Am I ruining my life?
- winphone1974 4y ago
  Kind of sounds like you're rebelling against what you interpret as "the" template for life, but I'm not aware of any such thing beyond the broadest strokes. You can absolutely blow up what you've got and start from a new place, or you can define your life in the margins between what we all tend to have in common. Example: I have a wife, kids, home and job, but I also take big breaks between relatively short job tenures, do a lot of in-depth personal projects and mountain bike at a pretty extreme level for a guy pushing fifty.
- yodsanklai 4y ago
  > be on my own again at 30. It's really not that old, you have plenty of time to find someone and start a family. Tons of people are single in their 30s. After 40, I found it much harder to find someone though.
- em-bee 4y ago
  only if the response to feeling stuck in someone elses template is doing something random hasty, that you haven't thought through. before doing anything you should figure out what you want from your life. set goals, check if they are realistic and then take steps to explore. for example, instead of just moving out, i would have tried travelling. go to another city for a week or a month. try it on for size. take small steps to turn the life that you have into the life that you want. i was kind of in a similar situation, where i felt stuck in a life without perspective, and decided to move my whole family to another continent, giving up friends and a regular routine for a life of uncertainty and chaos (that wants to be tamed). i don't regret the move, as i have no desire to go back, but i wish i would have been able try first before making a commitment.
mawadev 4y ago
You cannot fix a yesterday, but you can create a tomorrow, one small step at a time.
- winphone1974 4y ago
  Acknowledge past mistakes,tuck away the experience and move forward
curiousllama 4y ago
I remember in my 20s going from Having it All Figured Out to single, unemployed, drastically reduced social circle, living in my parents basement, got depressed & anxious, got out of shape, took smoking back up - all in 6 months time. It wasn't all connected, but it did happen all at once, and I definitely let it snowball on me. The best advice I got was to solve one problem at a time. I went all in on getting a job. Then getting an apt. Then getting in shape. Then reconnecting with friends. Then dating again. Then quitting smoking again. I definitely had to lean on family/friends for help. Especially my parents, who had their adult son back in their basement for a few months, and a few friends/former colleagues, who worked their networks on my behalf. > I have expertise in Ruined Life Reclamation In hindsight, the person who gave me the best advice definitely did have some expertise themselves.
everyone 4y ago
Reading about other people fucking up is a great way to feel better. It's actually human nature afaik. In studies into human happiness Leda Cosmides and John Tooby found that our brains set our happiness level relative our neighbours.
- xkcd1963 4y ago
  [flagged]
jsz0 4y ago
I kind of ruined up my career some by taking an extended break to pursue other interests like depression and sleeping 12+ hours per day. What I didn't really factor into my choice was employers are scared of people who have the financial independence to take breaks like this because they cannot be relied on to be loyal wage slaves. I haven't found a great way to overcome this yet because I totally get their concerns. Anyone who doesn't an absolutely 100% need the job is not as dependable. I don't want to be deceptive about why I took a break but in this case it feels like honesty just isn't gonna work.
- SpeedilyDamage 4y ago
  How much time did you spend pursuing those new “hobbies”? I would imagine saying you took some time off for your mental health would be totally fine, I’d have no problems saying that or hiring someone who said that.
  - jsz0 4y ago
    3 years which is unfortunately on the cusp of legitimately being out of the loop on current trends. I can't blame any employer for not wanting to take that risk when there are plenty of other candidates to choose from. It definitely effects my confidence in applying for jobs because I know my little hobby projects I've continued to work on are not the same thing as stepping right back into a production environment. I think all I can really do is be honest and hope to find a sympathetic employer willing to toss me a rope. Alternatively I'll have to step back to a more jr role for a while to get my chops back up.
    - webnrrd2k 4y ago
      I think the trick is, if they ask about the gap in employment, to simply tell them that you had to take time off to care for a family member. Anything past that is not their business. Depending on your state/country, it's illegal to ask for more details. I hope that you don't feel bad or anything -- you're not the only person to have health/family/whatever issues.
- 4y ago
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
rodrigosetti 4y ago
Very much agreeing with Nietzsche on suffering being a great source of value, even desirable, for personal growth.
TheRealSenex 4y ago
It does not get better. There are only periods where you are too distracted to notice the finish line racing up fast. Eventually, for EVERYONE, it absolutely gets worse. Someday every person you love or hate will be finally broken. The most happy and successful and the least. And you too. For the most lucky that period of time is very short--sometimes only five or ten minutes. For others, much longer. Your best days will be behind you at some point. Try not notice for as long as you can. That's the best you can do.
- capableweb 4y ago
  That seems extremely pessimistic, and is not "the truth", just your opinion. Personally, my life really sucked until I was around 16 years old, that's when my life started turning around. Since then, my life have just become better and better every single year, even though I've messed up or others around me messed up. Maybe my view changed, or maybe I'm just getting to know myself better the longer I live, but I see no similarities between what you write, and how my life is.
  - TheRealSenex 4y ago
    Come back and reply again when you're 75yrs old.
    - capableweb 4y ago
      I'm not that far away from 75 in reality, how close are you?
      - TheRealSenex 4y ago
        I turned 86 at the end of March. People don't want to see it or hear about it. They say, "He lived a good life. It is just part of getting old." But you have not lived the ruined part yourself yet. It is lonely and hopeless. Everyone is living their lives and they do not want to hear how you really feel. They want you to be positive. They want to say, "He was a fighter." A woman sits in my hallway crying because her father has not come to pick her up. She sobs and sobs. No one can comfort her. She might even be younger than me. No one visits her. You become a helpless child again. Things to say and think to make them feel better. So they feel like they will deal with it too and be ok too. Time will move faster and slower for you too and you will see for yourself.
jimt1234 4y ago
My best friend from high school did 20 years in prison. He was one of the first people sentenced under Missouri's "3 strikes" sentencing guidelines. He got out a few years ago. He told me, for him, rock bottom was when he heard the judge throw 20 years at him. He didn't think it would happen for such petty crimes (stealing pawnable junk out of people's garages) and his cooperation with the police. But when it happened, he knew they weren't gonna blink; he was gonna do the full 20 years. He did. He also told me that his entire time in prison was actually a gift. He got his life back together. He kicked his drug habits. He finished high school. Got a college degree. And got his own business started training service dogs. He told me the key, for him, to restarting his life was simply not being bitter about his bad situation. He blamed only himself, and decided to dig himself out.
- zirgs 4y ago
  Holy shit - here even murderers get less than 20 years. Some get less than 10.
Madmallard 4y ago
I don't need a zoomer that did drugs for the first time telling me what he did when he first "ruined his life". Because he doesn't know anything.
josuepeq 4y ago
had a good confident 20’s. My 30s are a mess. Going on 5.5 years here, I might as well say that I’m going to have to start over. If there is a right way to fail that is non-detrimental/non-consequential it was not my own. I hit every branch on the way down. Since my parents never believed in mental health care, I was forced to learn how to cope with ADHD from a young age, remained untreated until 26. My world improved with treatment. I relocated to San Francisco; now able to function in a normal office after doing retail support for 6 years. I had been hired at a small but promising startup. After about 12 months, I was promoted to Lead. At home, I found some unsavory things out about my 4 year relationship was born out manipulation, I moved out of the apartment, and things started to get better. I was doing well at work until storm clouds started rolling in. No human would be great at managing all new feature implementations for Backend API, Web App, iOS, Android, and Windows, being responsible for the mongodb to postgres migration, and my own work on the Windows Platform. I was doing great, then just ok, and then August 2016, when all of management decided to go on vacation; but this still needed to ship on time. Well it went miserably, and I couldn’t even focus…. time to change up my ADHD medication. Doctor gets cold feet… literally tells me that he can’t change my medication from what I had originally been prescribed from my doctor in the midwest… he was also unable to write it. Kaiser Permanente ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I had let it slip once that I had tried Cocaine once and he subsequently labeled me a drug addict, as I was told that as a gay software engineer they would not want to be liable for any harm and these groups were a nonstarter… so he sends me to psychiatry. Well what happens next? I can’t function, full stop, without ADHD medication. I got fired in less than a month. Turns out the wait time for psychiatry was several months. At least therapy was available to talk about it with. With the help of a mental health professional, I was able to pinpoint figure out the root cause of failure - High Functioning Autism, not caught early enough, as in childhood, is disastrous as an adult. I would need more verification on it but here I am, a hotbed of undiagnosed neurodiversity… So I wonder, would knowing before I got fired allow me to have made accommodations? Would I have been able to keep my job? Probably, but unknown for sure how long. Without a routine, stable enough people around me, general depression of the not knowing that critical information, and because I have zero time management skills… I missed out on exercising my stock options by a day, which would have been worth about $800k-$1M based on final valuation unknown because of dilution, when the largest graphics company in SF bought the company I was fired from. Finally got around to my psychiatry appointment that they booked, because of my mention of cocaine, psychiatrist will not treat me. Kaiser won’t prescribe stimulants unless I went to the chemical dependency program…. Which, by the way, it’s not covered by my new insurance, which, at this point is Medi-cal/medicaid as my COBRA ran out. At this point, I’m still not in treatment for ADHD, still need to get diagnosed with autism, formally, after specific tests get performed. I used to have no problem remembering to take my HIV prevention medication. If I don’t to take it with my Adderall, I notice it….. but without it, combined with the depression of losing both my job, and my stock, dealing with terrible depression, I just spaced out on taking the drug. It is hard to remember to take daily medication’s if I don’t realize their effects on their own. It h had been a whoknow it’s also hard when concentration and organization are dependent upon taking that drug. So, by slim chance I became infected with HIV. I got stuck, and now I got myself more stuck. A bright spot was I started dating someone in 2018. He had just gotten a divorce about the time I got fired, so we both were q good influence on each others, confidence and self-esteem. Life was good until a visit to his estranged father made it worse. They had a physical altercation which was unprovoked by his father, which caused some PTSD to return. In March 2020, he had taken his life. We had been together for over a year at this point, and now I was going in to pandemic alone. So three years later, here I am, nothing has changed. I have no doubt that I probably should change everything, but it requires resources. My savings ran out. My bank stopped looking for my car, here in my garage the whole time, they can’t sue me as the statue of limitations has run out. But my landlord did - subtenant has decided that he is not paying rent for all the pandemic and he won’t leave, so I am working through that. I am pretty much in financial ruin, San Francisco is paying for a housing subsidy, while I am looking into SSDI. I am not certain that I would be successful in starting over. Working is almost impossible to consider when I start to experience the feeling that by doing so, I am engaging in the outright betrayal of future generations of living things on the planet. Clearly I have a hate relationship with money to begin with, maybe I am fine with not buying into capitalism anymore; and in turn working for the very people who are not willing to sacrifice their own interests. The c-suites are keen to continue to push their greenwashing agenda, ignoring their responsibilities to commit to full sustainability and environmental recovery. It truly is a race to the bottom for late stage unrestricted free market capitalism, a continuous slow moving accident - a travesty reeking of desperation, billionaires who can afford to protect their wealth all while reaching hard for the maintaining the last few vestiges of supplying the world unsustainable and unnecessary consumer goods and services, as the planet slowly burns. This may be the best time to get off the train. I don’t blame myself for all of this, but I am responsible for what I do next. Life was good before California, maybe by leaving it, could it be good again?

110 points by d_tr 4y ago

I couldn't even read the article because half of it was covered by a newsletter form. No close button. Showed up before I even read one paragraph. Why is every website like this these days?

brookst 4y ago
At this point I think the content is just an annoying leftover thing, like an appendix, that often gets in the way of Engagement and Brand Building and Reader Lifetime Value. One day soon the article text will be generated on the fly by ChatGPT based on whatever data it can infer about you, and only enough will be created to get you to sign up for the newsletter so you can be spammed with more personalized content that drives greater engagement. The AI alignment folks were on to something with paper clip maximizes, but the real thing is turning out to be engagement maximizers.
artisanspam 4y ago
Not even just that, but half of the content is just distracting GIFs. I can’t focus well on reading content when there are videos playing on the same screen. This is also a trend that needs to stop.

hattmall 4y ago

What drugs?

luxuryballs 4y ago
whatever it was it was clearly the good shit
sambapa 4y ago
As good a guess as any, but I vote Salvia Divinorum.
- nibbleshifter 4y ago
  I always find it interesting that so many people have horrible experiences with salvia. I always found it a somewhat enjoyable experience, extremely reality melting during, but short in duration with an interestingly profound "afterglow". I guess it having been sold in gas stations and head shops as ridiculously potent extracts with no readily accessible dosing data might have a lot to do with that.
DangitBobby 4y ago
LSD can do it.
simonswords82 4y ago
Mushrooms or LSD
wut42 4y ago
The author refers to "psychedelic pyrotechnics of my particular story" so i'd say some LSD/LSD RC/Shrooms.

anigbrowl 4y ago

tl;dr subscribe to my blog and maybe sign up for a course, basically a support group for people who like memes and need a pep talk. Shallow but not insincere.

mb_72 4y ago
Graham's writings and book helped me make it through Covid isolation and a relationship breakdown. He and his partner have done very good work for many people in the area of mental health in Australia: https://www.bigfeels.club/about-honor-eastly-and-graham-panther https://www.bigfeels.club/about-honor-eastly-and-graham-pant...
- gengelbro 4y ago
  First article: "For no reason". Second article: "Mighta been the drugs."
- anigbrowl 4y ago
  Agreed it might be just right for many people. I didn't realize he was Australian, that would have made the tone easier for me to interpret.
notart666 4y ago
Usually these kinds of things are just about selling a service. Most pitches on this is are like that just rehashed versions of the same sales pitches

travisjungroth 4y ago

Without more details or more cases, this is an abstraction over a single instance. Not that helpful.

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]

vba616 4y ago

Everything is a matter of perspective. I wonder if this person thinks his life is ruined: https://www.cnbc.com/2023/01/20/philip-esformes-whose-prison-sentence-trump-commuted-loses-appeal.html https://www.cnbc.com/2023/01/20/philip-esformes-whose-prison... Or this person: `Pol Pot stated that his "conscience is clear" but acknowledged that mistakes were made'

JadeNB 4y ago
> `Pol Pot stated that his "conscience is clear" but acknowledged that mistakes were made' I was wondering about the source. This seems to be from a 1997 interview with Robin McDowell: https://apnews.com/article/2a1128d4b0c52563496f1e296df0a229 https://apnews.com/article/2a1128d4b0c52563496f1e296df0a229 .
- jacquesm 4y ago
  I think Pol Pot was confusing having a clear conscience with having no conscience.
  - amalgamated_inc 4y ago
    Just in terms of percentage, I think Pol Pot must be up there. What was it, 30% of the entire population of the country? Astonishing.
    - jacquesm 4y ago
      There is that part near the end of 'Der Untergang' (which I think is a fantastic movie for many reasons, and which obviously has nothing to do with Pol Pot) where you can see the ease with which the power hungry were absolutely willing to sacrifice their entire population if it meant that they would hold out a few days longer. The inhumanity of what was happening while at the same time being concerned with their own every day little normal bits of life was such an incredible contrast.

iLoveOncall 4y ago

I thought gifs and memes in the middle of articles had died a few years ago but I'm afraid to see they're making a comeback.

RubyRidgeRandy 4y ago

When I was 23, I misdosed myself and took 110mg of 4-AcO-DMT. The experience was EXTREMELY traumatic and I believed I was dying. At one point I was so overstimulated I just lay on my kitchen floor convulsing uncontrollably. The next few days I didn't know what to do. My body would just shake, I couldn't sleep and I stayed up until I passed out for an hour, and then my shaking would wake up myself up again. I was overwhelmed with dread and thought I had completely fucked my brain forever and all my potential was gone. But I went to therapy, got better, and my life is completely normal now. I have HPPD and see visual snow, but that's about it. This blog doesn't want to give platitudes like "it gets better" and I can see how they're not really helpful when you're in crisis mode. The one piece of advice that has helped me is the thinking that "I'm not the first one to ever go through this, and I won't be the last." No matter if you're fucked in the head, going bankrupt, getting divorced - whatever - you aren't alone and you can either find a solution or find acceptance.

DrBenCarson 4y ago
Wow 110mg is an enormous amount. Glad to hear you’re doing better.
drewcoo 4y ago
> When I was 23, I misdosed myself and took 110mg of 4-AcO-DMT. Are you sure that was "micro" dosing? It doesn't sound so micro. And this says it's at least an order of magnitude larger dosage than a microdose would be. https://thethirdwave.co/microdosing/dmt/ https://thethirdwave.co/microdosing/dmt/
- moralestapia 4y ago
  >misdosed
- sp332 4y ago
  The part you quoted doesn't say micro. Spell it out.
- tjr225 4y ago
  [dead]

bounceyhouse84 4y ago

[flagged]

amalgamated_inc 4y ago
I kept waiting for "I got fired" or "I killed somebody in a DUI and am going to jail" but there doesn't appear anything in his life that actually.. you know... ruined it?
- AeroNotix 4y ago
  Couldn't handle his buzz.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
aqme28 4y ago
I don't understand this comment. You can, like me, fail to engage with the writing or the topic. But what's wrong with writing about your experiences on your blog? Why should that not be centered around yourself?
- travisjungroth 4y ago
  He barely wrote about his experiences. He had a bad trip after some undisclosed drug and also had something bad happen more recently that is unshared. If you want to share the first hand account of your life, do that. If you want to make theoretical arguments, do that. If you want to offer empiricism by looking broadly or in detail, do that. What’s less worthwhile is to share as little of your life as possible while generalizing it into advice as much as possible. You can claim “I’m just sharing my experiences”, but that’s not really it. The experiences are a fig leaf, a way to speak with maximal authority with minimal accountability.
kingkawn 4y ago
The privileged have to invent their suffering in their leisure activities so that their lives feel any drop of meaning other than being an achievement trophy for the elder generation.

Operative0198 4y ago

Why do people still use email as a way of subscribing to content? There are many better and more efficient ways to solve this problem rather than having your subscription mail go straight to junk mail.

googlryas 4y ago
Are there methods with similar reach as email though?
- Operative0198 4y ago
  If reach is your top priority then social media platforms beat email no contest.
- pjot 4y ago
  Would a blog via physical mail work? I wonder if content would be more substantive or intentional.
ramphastidae 4y ago
What are the many and better ways? Social media certainly isn't one of them. Subscription email also shouldn't go to junkmail unless you're doing something very wrong.
- Operative0198 4y ago
  Social media profile notifications. Web push notifications. Good ol trusty RSS...
  - celsoazevedo 4y ago
    > Social media profile notifications Requires you to create an account on that specific platform, plus we have a few examples (eg: Facebook, YouTube) where the platform might decide to not notify everyone if the content isn't "worthy". Edit: And since timelines now are curated by some algorithm, you can't trust it to show you all new content. > Web push notifications Abused by many to send you crap, not always easy to keep everything working when moving to another device. It's disabled on my browser. > Good ol trusty RSS I like RSS. And this blog offers a feed: https://www.bigfeels.club/public-articles?format=rss https://www.bigfeels.club/public-articles?format=rss Email... maybe not trendy, but it works okay.

pigtailgirl 4y ago

-- article gives no good advice on what to do when you ruined your life - so maybe hackernews has some good advice? --

meindnoch 4y ago
Depends on how you’ve ruined it. E.g. if you’ve got senteced to life in prison, then you should pick up a hobby like mathematics.
pjot 4y ago
You can always start a blog.
frontman1988 4y ago
It's tough giving advice without knowing the specifics. Ruined the life is different for different people. Someone who's failed their college degree might think their life is ruined, another person who's lost their entire family might think their life is ruined. Both are quite different cases to diagnose. For a general template, ChatGPT actually offers a good response: If you feel like you've "ruined your life," it's important to remember that it's never too late to make changes and improve your situation. Here are a few steps you can take: 1. Acknowledge what went wrong: Take responsibility for your actions and understand that you have the power to change the course of your life. 2. Seek help: Whether it's from a therapist, counselor, or support group, talking to someone about your feelings and situation can help you gain perspective and develop a plan for moving forward. 3. Make a plan: Identify specific goals and steps you can take to achieve them, such as getting a job, going back to school, or improving your relationships. 4. Take action: It's important to take consistent, small steps towards your goals. Even if progress is slow, you are moving forward. 5. Be patient with yourself: Remember that change takes time and that setbacks are normal. Be kind to yourself and don't give up. 6. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you in your journey. It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that it's possible to recover from even the most difficult situations. With time and effort, you can rebuild your life and create a better future for yourself.
throwayyy479087 4y ago

ramphastidae 4y ago

This is obviously an advertisement, containing very little information, for a paid "club" of questionable value. Flagged.

spaniard89277 4y ago

Is it a good thing to ruin your life more than once? I'm still paying the price of not having a structured family (not my fault), not studying when I should, and spending pretty much all my life until I was close to 30 yo doing mostly nothing of substance. It took me serious determination and hard work to close the gap. I did get my diplomas and stuff (and even chose the wrong degree for me), and still takes a toll on me. I'm 35 and I'm in a free self-paced bootcamp (because I need to work and sustain myself, and I can't just pay 8k to barely learn anything for six months, without income), doing what I have should done 15 years ago, which is programming/data/etc. Internally, I'm (kind of, not completely) in peace with my life, but mistakes do have a cost. Maybe if your family is rich or your mistake is a one-off then you can manage it without much of a problem, but fucking up your life can take very different forms. You pay not only with your income, but socially too. You really have to get good at selling snake oil for getting attention from girls for example, or befriending people who's above your income level, and so much more. So yeah, I don't think "ruining your life" is that fine.

fwipsy 4y ago
I took it as meaning "It's a good thing that it's possible to 'ruin your life' more than once because it means you survived the first time and have some experience for the second time." Not meaning "It's a good thing to ruin your life the second time." I think that heading was being unnecessarily clever in order to grab attention, but I don't think the article ever says it's a good thing to ruin your life, ever.
everyone 4y ago
I did also "nothing of substance" until I was almost 30 also.. But it's fine I dont regret it. I did what I wanted at the time and I enjoyed that part of my life. When I was approaching 30 I suddenly got these urges to get my life together and get a career, and I did, it was grand. I guess I am lucky and privileged, I did a free government course in programming and I loved it and that launched my career then.
- teh_klev 4y ago
  > I did also "nothing of substance" until I was almost 30 also.. But it's fine I dont regret it. Much the same here. I enjoyed the company of friends, read a load of stuff, had many adventures with a motorbike, beer and curry, lived in shared houses and worked in a crappy mundane easy-osy job as a field engineer. During this time I still maintained a fleeting interest in software development (I still read Byte, EXE, Dr Dobbs etc and fiddled with code). Then one day I tired of the easy going but not well paid lifestyle and wangled my way into a VC backed ISV to establish myself as a developer (though for a while - I took an 18 month break to work as a data centre engineer, which involved the build out a moderately sized site and an internet exchange point). And here I am on the wrong side of my mid 50's with very few regrets. Not no regrets because there are two or three (one is a relationship I really made a mess of, and succumbing to a very long period of anxiety disorder after my marriage exploded), but now I'm largely just fine.

joshmarinacci 4y ago

There’s not really advice here but it does speak the truth. In one year both my marriage and my mother died. I’m still here and still surviving. I still have days that feel hopeless, but that really is because fear doesn’t know the future. It makes me feel comfortable saying to myself “Today sucked and was a complete wash. Let’s go to bed and try again tomorrow.”

sarks_nz 4y ago
"Let’s go to bed and try again tomorrow" sounds like the epitome of being human to me. My new mantra.

meindnoch 4y ago

Cautionary tale for those insisting that psychedelics are 100% safe. You may end up wrecking your brain like this guy.

raydiatian 4y ago

The weird thing is the bulk of our time spent “in a painful experience” is willing participation. The anatomy of a painful experience is stimuli & response. The stimuli are (generally speaking) pretty brief, but you have no say in them. The response is the part where I have wallowed in self pity for months, have screamed myself hoarse into the void, etc. Recently, sometimes I can’t help but see an optional epicycle wrapped around the whole experience like “ah, pain again. okay, let’s get this over with and get back to what I care about.”

s1artibartfast 4y ago

I think the key aspect to overcoming losses resetting Baseline expectations though that you can move forward without overwhelming sorrow and regret. I think the interesting question is if this is possible in a objective way. A lot of people that I've met rationalize dramatic experience and loss with the idea that it made them who they are, and is there for a net positive. I've heard this from people after suffering lifelong injury or acquiring permanent disease like AIDS. It seems difficult to accept that it is water under the bridge without rationalizing that it was necessary. I guess from a deterministic point of view, maybe it was

csmpltn 4y ago

Have a fantastic loving partner, an incredible house we worked so much on, an amazing job with fantastic people I enjoy being around every day. I've decided to part ways with my partner now and move out, be on my own again at 30. I could've started a family now, but chose not to. I don't know if that opportunity will ever come again. I've tried hard, but I just couldn't shake off the feeling of living a life according to a template, or a recipe. Holding myself up to everybody's expectations but mine. Feels like I'm ruining my life by walking away from people that truly care about me. I don't want to bask in regret. Am I ruining my life?

winphone1974 4y ago
Kind of sounds like you're rebelling against what you interpret as "the" template for life, but I'm not aware of any such thing beyond the broadest strokes. You can absolutely blow up what you've got and start from a new place, or you can define your life in the margins between what we all tend to have in common. Example: I have a wife, kids, home and job, but I also take big breaks between relatively short job tenures, do a lot of in-depth personal projects and mountain bike at a pretty extreme level for a guy pushing fifty.
yodsanklai 4y ago
> be on my own again at 30. It's really not that old, you have plenty of time to find someone and start a family. Tons of people are single in their 30s. After 40, I found it much harder to find someone though.
em-bee 4y ago
only if the response to feeling stuck in someone elses template is doing something random hasty, that you haven't thought through. before doing anything you should figure out what you want from your life. set goals, check if they are realistic and then take steps to explore. for example, instead of just moving out, i would have tried travelling. go to another city for a week or a month. try it on for size. take small steps to turn the life that you have into the life that you want. i was kind of in a similar situation, where i felt stuck in a life without perspective, and decided to move my whole family to another continent, giving up friends and a regular routine for a life of uncertainty and chaos (that wants to be tamed). i don't regret the move, as i have no desire to go back, but i wish i would have been able try first before making a commitment.

mawadev 4y ago

You cannot fix a yesterday, but you can create a tomorrow, one small step at a time.

winphone1974 4y ago
Acknowledge past mistakes,tuck away the experience and move forward

curiousllama 4y ago

I remember in my 20s going from Having it All Figured Out to single, unemployed, drastically reduced social circle, living in my parents basement, got depressed & anxious, got out of shape, took smoking back up - all in 6 months time. It wasn't all connected, but it did happen all at once, and I definitely let it snowball on me. The best advice I got was to solve one problem at a time. I went all in on getting a job. Then getting an apt. Then getting in shape. Then reconnecting with friends. Then dating again. Then quitting smoking again. I definitely had to lean on family/friends for help. Especially my parents, who had their adult son back in their basement for a few months, and a few friends/former colleagues, who worked their networks on my behalf. > I have expertise in Ruined Life Reclamation In hindsight, the person who gave me the best advice definitely did have some expertise themselves.

everyone 4y ago

Reading about other people fucking up is a great way to feel better. It's actually human nature afaik. In studies into human happiness Leda Cosmides and John Tooby found that our brains set our happiness level relative our neighbours.

xkcd1963 4y ago
[flagged]

jsz0 4y ago

I kind of ruined up my career some by taking an extended break to pursue other interests like depression and sleeping 12+ hours per day. What I didn't really factor into my choice was employers are scared of people who have the financial independence to take breaks like this because they cannot be relied on to be loyal wage slaves. I haven't found a great way to overcome this yet because I totally get their concerns. Anyone who doesn't an absolutely 100% need the job is not as dependable. I don't want to be deceptive about why I took a break but in this case it feels like honesty just isn't gonna work.

SpeedilyDamage 4y ago
How much time did you spend pursuing those new “hobbies”? I would imagine saying you took some time off for your mental health would be totally fine, I’d have no problems saying that or hiring someone who said that.
- jsz0 4y ago
  3 years which is unfortunately on the cusp of legitimately being out of the loop on current trends. I can't blame any employer for not wanting to take that risk when there are plenty of other candidates to choose from. It definitely effects my confidence in applying for jobs because I know my little hobby projects I've continued to work on are not the same thing as stepping right back into a production environment. I think all I can really do is be honest and hope to find a sympathetic employer willing to toss me a rope. Alternatively I'll have to step back to a more jr role for a while to get my chops back up.
  - webnrrd2k 4y ago
    I think the trick is, if they ask about the gap in employment, to simply tell them that you had to take time off to care for a family member. Anything past that is not their business. Depending on your state/country, it's illegal to ask for more details. I hope that you don't feel bad or anything -- you're not the only person to have health/family/whatever issues.
4y ago

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

rodrigosetti 4y ago

Very much agreeing with Nietzsche on suffering being a great source of value, even desirable, for personal growth.

TheRealSenex 4y ago

It does not get better. There are only periods where you are too distracted to notice the finish line racing up fast. Eventually, for EVERYONE, it absolutely gets worse. Someday every person you love or hate will be finally broken. The most happy and successful and the least. And you too. For the most lucky that period of time is very short--sometimes only five or ten minutes. For others, much longer. Your best days will be behind you at some point. Try not notice for as long as you can. That's the best you can do.

capableweb 4y ago
That seems extremely pessimistic, and is not "the truth", just your opinion. Personally, my life really sucked until I was around 16 years old, that's when my life started turning around. Since then, my life have just become better and better every single year, even though I've messed up or others around me messed up. Maybe my view changed, or maybe I'm just getting to know myself better the longer I live, but I see no similarities between what you write, and how my life is.
- TheRealSenex 4y ago
  Come back and reply again when you're 75yrs old.
  - capableweb 4y ago
    I'm not that far away from 75 in reality, how close are you?
    - TheRealSenex 4y ago
      I turned 86 at the end of March. People don't want to see it or hear about it. They say, "He lived a good life. It is just part of getting old." But you have not lived the ruined part yourself yet. It is lonely and hopeless. Everyone is living their lives and they do not want to hear how you really feel. They want you to be positive. They want to say, "He was a fighter." A woman sits in my hallway crying because her father has not come to pick her up. She sobs and sobs. No one can comfort her. She might even be younger than me. No one visits her. You become a helpless child again. Things to say and think to make them feel better. So they feel like they will deal with it too and be ok too. Time will move faster and slower for you too and you will see for yourself.

jimt1234 4y ago

My best friend from high school did 20 years in prison. He was one of the first people sentenced under Missouri's "3 strikes" sentencing guidelines. He got out a few years ago. He told me, for him, rock bottom was when he heard the judge throw 20 years at him. He didn't think it would happen for such petty crimes (stealing pawnable junk out of people's garages) and his cooperation with the police. But when it happened, he knew they weren't gonna blink; he was gonna do the full 20 years. He did. He also told me that his entire time in prison was actually a gift. He got his life back together. He kicked his drug habits. He finished high school. Got a college degree. And got his own business started training service dogs. He told me the key, for him, to restarting his life was simply not being bitter about his bad situation. He blamed only himself, and decided to dig himself out.

zirgs 4y ago
Holy shit - here even murderers get less than 20 years. Some get less than 10.

Madmallard 4y ago

I don't need a zoomer that did drugs for the first time telling me what he did when he first "ruined his life". Because he doesn't know anything.

josuepeq 4y ago

had a good confident 20’s. My 30s are a mess. Going on 5.5 years here, I might as well say that I’m going to have to start over. If there is a right way to fail that is non-detrimental/non-consequential it was not my own. I hit every branch on the way down. Since my parents never believed in mental health care, I was forced to learn how to cope with ADHD from a young age, remained untreated until 26. My world improved with treatment. I relocated to San Francisco; now able to function in a normal office after doing retail support for 6 years. I had been hired at a small but promising startup. After about 12 months, I was promoted to Lead. At home, I found some unsavory things out about my 4 year relationship was born out manipulation, I moved out of the apartment, and things started to get better. I was doing well at work until storm clouds started rolling in. No human would be great at managing all new feature implementations for Backend API, Web App, iOS, Android, and Windows, being responsible for the mongodb to postgres migration, and my own work on the Windows Platform. I was doing great, then just ok, and then August 2016, when all of management decided to go on vacation; but this still needed to ship on time. Well it went miserably, and I couldn’t even focus…. time to change up my ADHD medication. Doctor gets cold feet… literally tells me that he can’t change my medication from what I had originally been prescribed from my doctor in the midwest… he was also unable to write it. Kaiser Permanente ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I had let it slip once that I had tried Cocaine once and he subsequently labeled me a drug addict, as I was told that as a gay software engineer they would not want to be liable for any harm and these groups were a nonstarter… so he sends me to psychiatry. Well what happens next? I can’t function, full stop, without ADHD medication. I got fired in less than a month. Turns out the wait time for psychiatry was several months. At least therapy was available to talk about it with. With the help of a mental health professional, I was able to pinpoint figure out the root cause of failure - High Functioning Autism, not caught early enough, as in childhood, is disastrous as an adult. I would need more verification on it but here I am, a hotbed of undiagnosed neurodiversity… So I wonder, would knowing before I got fired allow me to have made accommodations? Would I have been able to keep my job? Probably, but unknown for sure how long. Without a routine, stable enough people around me, general depression of the not knowing that critical information, and because I have zero time management skills… I missed out on exercising my stock options by a day, which would have been worth about $800k-$1M based on final valuation unknown because of dilution, when the largest graphics company in SF bought the company I was fired from. Finally got around to my psychiatry appointment that they booked, because of my mention of cocaine, psychiatrist will not treat me. Kaiser won’t prescribe stimulants unless I went to the chemical dependency program…. Which, by the way, it’s not covered by my new insurance, which, at this point is Medi-cal/medicaid as my COBRA ran out. At this point, I’m still not in treatment for ADHD, still need to get diagnosed with autism, formally, after specific tests get performed. I used to have no problem remembering to take my HIV prevention medication. If I don’t to take it with my Adderall, I notice it….. but without it, combined with the depression of losing both my job, and my stock, dealing with terrible depression, I just spaced out on taking the drug. It is hard to remember to take daily medication’s if I don’t realize their effects on their own. It h had been a whoknow it’s also hard when concentration and organization are dependent upon taking that drug. So, by slim chance I became infected with HIV. I got stuck, and now I got myself more stuck. A bright spot was I started dating someone in 2018. He had just gotten a divorce about the time I got fired, so we both were q good influence on each others, confidence and self-esteem. Life was good until a visit to his estranged father made it worse. They had a physical altercation which was unprovoked by his father, which caused some PTSD to return. In March 2020, he had taken his life. We had been together for over a year at this point, and now I was going in to pandemic alone. So three years later, here I am, nothing has changed. I have no doubt that I probably should change everything, but it requires resources. My savings ran out. My bank stopped looking for my car, here in my garage the whole time, they can’t sue me as the statue of limitations has run out. But my landlord did - subtenant has decided that he is not paying rent for all the pandemic and he won’t leave, so I am working through that. I am pretty much in financial ruin, San Francisco is paying for a housing subsidy, while I am looking into SSDI. I am not certain that I would be successful in starting over. Working is almost impossible to consider when I start to experience the feeling that by doing so, I am engaging in the outright betrayal of future generations of living things on the planet. Clearly I have a hate relationship with money to begin with, maybe I am fine with not buying into capitalism anymore; and in turn working for the very people who are not willing to sacrifice their own interests. The c-suites are keen to continue to push their greenwashing agenda, ignoring their responsibilities to commit to full sustainability and environmental recovery. It truly is a race to the bottom for late stage unrestricted free market capitalism, a continuous slow moving accident - a travesty reeking of desperation, billionaires who can afford to protect their wealth all while reaching hard for the maintaining the last few vestiges of supplying the world unsustainable and unnecessary consumer goods and services, as the planet slowly burns. This may be the best time to get off the train. I don’t blame myself for all of this, but I am responsible for what I do next. Life was good before California, maybe by leaving it, could it be good again?