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I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out an

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing so. Once someone is a close friend, I go out of my way to maintain the connection, but it’s that in-between stage of “acquaintance” where I have a hard time. I had a bit of a revelation when I left my last job. There were very few comments from coworkers when I left. I don’t think I was disliked (hopefully?), but I don’t think anyone really considered me their friend either. Looking back I think I came across as somewhat of a NPC to coworkers. I preferred to eat lunch by myself and I only discussed the business topic at hand during meetings unless someone else brought up a personal discussion. I wouldn’t mind to start more personal discussions, but I’m always concerned it might come across the wrong way, so the furthest I seem to get is “how was your weekend?”

bgroat 4y ago
I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster)
- moralestapia 4y ago
  I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) The fact that you've got the results you mention here shows that you live in a community with mentally healthy, although isolated, individuals. You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect). I used to make fun of this but it's not an easy thing to swallow and can get you quite depressed. The "loneliness epidemic" is just a reflection of the eroded values and misplaced goals that are now commonplace around the world.
  - bgroat 4y ago
    Edited to include some more context. These are great points. Places where it can be assumed people are comfortable with an approach: - A public place/destination (bar is okay, bus isn't) - They are not in the middle of speaking (lulls in conversations are fine) - They are not blocking sensory inputs (don't approach if you see headphones) This also isn't magic. My success isn't 100%. It's about 30% Which means that 7/10 people don't want to talk to me (which is fine). But it also means that I can pretty reliably make a friend/day if I were so inclined A bit about me, I'm a short man (5'3") with pretty solid facial symmetry and good grooming but I'm NOT particularly attractive. I'm putting that context because it is important: - Because of maleness I'm automatically safer in most situations (as in, I can approach someone, go off solo w/them and be confident I won't be assaulted) - I'm short, so I'm not REALLY a physical threat to people - Hygiene implies social consideration/health - Facial symmetry automatically encourages trust - Being TOO attractive (and I'm nowhere close) can be intimidating to some people
    - stcroixx 4y ago
      Getting a stranger to have a conversation with you doesn’t mean you made a friend that day, at least not by and definition that’s valuable to me. It’s the first step, but what’s the conversion rate here? Most you probably never speak to again, a small number may reach acquaintance level, and even fewer end up as a friends. We probably have a different idea of what a friend is.
      - bgroat 4y ago
        My definition of a friend is defined in another comment response. Basically, "will hang 50%+ of the time an invitation is issued (schedule permitting), and both of us would enjoy ourselves). Typically takes about 3-5 meets to get there
  - rjbwork 4y ago
    >1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm not a good looking dude, nor am I an extrovert. So I now just assume anyone approaching me in public is trying to scam me.
- lisper 4y ago
  Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.
  - bgroat 4y ago
    I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... and you will both have a good time" Good friend is not, "Will donate a kidney"
    - lisper 4y ago
      We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend. Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient and superficial. I think most people want more. I know I do.
      - danenania 4y ago
        The relocation point is interesting. I have a lot of friendships that are in 'good friend' territory when we're in the same place, but otherwise go dormant for long periods. I'm ok with this and generally don't feel a need to try to change this dynamic with people. I guess they aren't close friends in exactly the way that you're describing, but they are definitely a lot more than acquaintances. In a strange way I even feel that it can be a testament to the strength of the underlying friendship that we can pick up where we left off after years of minimal contact. I'm actually grateful for these kinds of relationships. I really don't have the time, energy, or desire to keep up ongoing text/email/social media conversations with all these people, but when we are able to meet up I have a great time and find it hugely valuable.
- rchaud 4y ago
  > There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, the opposite is true. Outside of that uni environment, a new person is going to have to knock your socks off with their personality, for you to even consider meeting up with them again. Most people cannot make a first impression that good. Outside of school/uni, people are busy with daily life, and far less likely to chat with strangers. Friendship groups begin to quickly narrow around this time as well, as people get married, go to professional schooling of some kind, and start hanging out mostly with people that are very similar to them.
  - crummy 4y ago
    Isn't there supposed to be an epidemic of loneliness amongst many adults?
    - whatshisface 4y ago
      It sounds like a paradox that there would be simultaneous epidemics of loneliness and and standoffishness but they cause each other. In one direction the cause is obvious, in the other lack of socialization causes people's "calibration" to go off as their learned tolerance to unexpected things fades. Real social interactions involve a lot of imperfection and what you sometimes see is that without being desensitized, lonely people's standards can be unreachable. (Other commenters have alluded to this being a result of hyper stimulation on TikTok but it predates it.)
    - rchaud 4y ago
      Yes, because adults in general have less time to spend with friends than someone who's younger, more mobile (live downtown vs the suburbs) and has fewer responsibilities. But loneliness is up among all generations, including those who are in the right time and right place (post-secondary). Many reasons for this as well, including the impact of internet and social media. People are less willing to give others a chance because Tinder/Tiktok/IG has trained them to think that another more interesting experience could be right around the corner.
- agumonkey 4y ago
  It's not only social anxiety that forbids people. It's also failed relationships that bruise your desire to try again. In my case I failed people enough time not to want to bother someone else :)
  - bgroat 4y ago
    It's interesting to me that you think you failed people. I roll my eyes when I hear quotes like, "Judge a fish by it's ability to fly and you'll think it's a failure"... but there is something to that. Maybe you're chocolate and those people just prefer vanilla?
- krageon 4y ago
  > There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it This is true, but only if you're attractive and somewhat charismatic. I would say that means it doesn't apply to the majority of people (who are plain or ugly and not particularly charismatic or actively repulsive).
  - bgroat 4y ago
    I'd say it's true if you're aren't unattractive (basically nail personal grooming), and are somewhat interested in someone else.
    - krageon 4y ago
      That is already far above most people, so I think I agree :)
- WallabyEV 4y ago
  I found positive social interaction as a baseline really rings true - a smile and the nod type thing - post-lockdown in Texas. Great to practice manners again and laugh at mixing up direction of traffic in the grocery store. Bumbling around in a mask in a hurry was not pleasant, this is nicer so I behave the same!
AntoniusBlock 4y ago
If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.
- Xeoncross 4y ago
  > I go out of my way to maintain the connection It could also be that the OP possesses traits which are notable and desirable to the right people. I've barely exchanged a few sentences with someone before and they immediately stick out to me; not because they are attractive physically, but I notice something about their character that is desirable or rare.
- bee_rider 4y ago
  On the other hand, attractive women sometimes get harassed. If you are an attractive man, many people will just generally automatically be nice but also respectful toward you. Then you could end up with a cheery disposition because from your point of view the world is just a friendly, respectful place, and people are even nicer to you (or you could turn into a spoiled jerk, there are lots of paths).
- the_only_law 4y ago
  Something happened within the last year, either to the general social environment around me or my own demeanor. I used to be able to go out and speak to people, have convos, people would even approach me. This year has been much different though. When I go out no one wants to talk, except for straight lunatics. At the bar the other night the only guy who wanted to talk went on a tirade about “the Jews” and kept asking if I was a Jew. A couple years ago I could have had a nice conversation with someone who had just sat next to me.
  - InitialLastName 4y ago
    Concerningly, this seems to be a self-reinforcing situation. If everyone willing to have a conversation is a lunatic, of course you wouldn't want to talk to anybody.
  - 4y ago
replwoacause 4y ago
I am this exact same way. -NPC Person
nier 4y ago
NPC as in non-playable character? One of the first search results reads: «[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»
- gruez 4y ago
  Right word, wrong meaning. In the result you quoted, a person's intelligence is being compared to that of a NPC, implying that the person can't think for themselves and does whatever they're told like how NPCs in games act. The gp seems to imply a slightly different meaning, where a person is thought of as being not being a real person, and is only someone you go to for transactional work related stuff.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
  - throwaway_4ever 4y ago
    Whichever meaning, NPC is a recent insidious method of dehumanizing people that ranks right up there with labels like "pigs," "rats," and "cockroaches." This tactic is essentially a first prerequisite for mass violence. It's sure to increase incidences of mentally ill shooters viewing everyone around them as bots in a video game. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2633002420916979 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/26330024209169... https://www.npr.org/2011/03/29/134956180/criminals-see-their-victims-as-less-than-human https://www.npr.org/2011/03/29/134956180/criminals-see-their...
    - vlunkr 4y ago
      My first instinct was to say this seems like an overreaction to a joke, but this is a meme that originated from 4chan and the worst parts of reddit, so you might not be far off, given the track records for violence there.
Workaccount2 4y ago
> I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing so. Sometime around 30 it hit me like a swinging log to my introverted face that the reason I felt that way was because that's how I felt when people reached out to me. It really shook my perspective to realize that many people like having someone reaching out to them and they are not annoyed by it.
Foivos 4y ago
> I preferred to eat lunch by myself and I only discussed the business topic at hand during meetings unless someone else brought up a personal discussion. Probably, they thought that you did not like them.
pessimizer 4y ago
Your Friends Have More Friends Than You https://scribe.citizen4.eu/your-friends-have-more-friends-than-you-e005796841bb https://scribe.citizen4.eu/your-friends-have-more-friends-th... Math makes this part of the human condition. I honestly think that the solution for the shy (like you and I) is to value the relationships that these extroverts offer. At least a couple of the extroverts will think you're wonderful, and the other people that they will accidentally bring into your life through their gregariousness will cover the range from extreme introvert to extreme extrovert and everything in between. You will be meeting those introverts through a person who they trust, which is your best opportunity for successfully connecting with other shy people. The only caveats are that you can't focus on one extrovert; get to know more than one, they're happy to talk. Focusing your explorations on one extrovert puts too much burden on the extrovert, and they want to share their time with a lot of people. The second caveat is to not let the extrovert take advantage of you, because a lot of extroverts are con-men/sales-types. edit: 97% of the good friends I have had in my adult life were the result of a single extrovert talking to me out of the blue in my high school cafeteria. Through her, I met my first real girlfriend, and met two of the members of the band I'd end up singing in and touring with in my 20s. Still friends 30 years later, so I guess she liked me.
nicbou 4y ago
Someone posted succeedsocially.com in another thread, and it's an excellent resource that might help you. I'm astonished by how on-point it is.
kelnos 4y ago
> the furthest I seem to get is “how was your weekend?” Not a social expert here, but that isn't a bad start! Sure, it's a bit small-talk-y, but it can open up more interesting conversation topics. Assuming the person you're talking to give you more than just "oh, it was fine", anyway. You can also modify it to "did you do anything interesting over the weekend?" And then if they say something specific, you can follow up with deeper questions about what they tell you they did, and go from there. I get that it's hard, though. I considered myself an "extroverted introvert" (and even an "introverted extrovert", on my more socially-energetic days), though pandemic isolation has weakened the extrovert part. I often feel like asking deeper follow-up questions is intrusive and somehow bothersome, but I think the first step is to just make yourself not care, and ask anyway. Listen to how the person responds, and you should be able to get an idea if they do want to talk more about it, or if they'd rather not. If not, you can slow down and disengage. But if they do, then that's a good sign to continue.
JumpCrisscross 4y ago
> had a bit of a revelation when I left my last job. There were very few comments from coworkers when I left Can't remember who said this to me, but it stuck: nobody remembers congratulatory calls for a new job. But you never forget each person who reached out when you were fired or let go. It's fun but ephemeral to celebrate. It hurts to share pain, but it’s rewarding. When I find people my gut wants to share burdens with, I listen: they became close friends.

bgroat 4y ago

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster)

moralestapia 4y ago
I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) The fact that you've got the results you mention here shows that you live in a community with mentally healthy, although isolated, individuals. You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect). I used to make fun of this but it's not an easy thing to swallow and can get you quite depressed. The "loneliness epidemic" is just a reflection of the eroded values and misplaced goals that are now commonplace around the world.
- bgroat 4y ago
  Edited to include some more context. These are great points. Places where it can be assumed people are comfortable with an approach: - A public place/destination (bar is okay, bus isn't) - They are not in the middle of speaking (lulls in conversations are fine) - They are not blocking sensory inputs (don't approach if you see headphones) This also isn't magic. My success isn't 100%. It's about 30% Which means that 7/10 people don't want to talk to me (which is fine). But it also means that I can pretty reliably make a friend/day if I were so inclined A bit about me, I'm a short man (5'3") with pretty solid facial symmetry and good grooming but I'm NOT particularly attractive. I'm putting that context because it is important: - Because of maleness I'm automatically safer in most situations (as in, I can approach someone, go off solo w/them and be confident I won't be assaulted) - I'm short, so I'm not REALLY a physical threat to people - Hygiene implies social consideration/health - Facial symmetry automatically encourages trust - Being TOO attractive (and I'm nowhere close) can be intimidating to some people
  - stcroixx 4y ago
    Getting a stranger to have a conversation with you doesn’t mean you made a friend that day, at least not by and definition that’s valuable to me. It’s the first step, but what’s the conversion rate here? Most you probably never speak to again, a small number may reach acquaintance level, and even fewer end up as a friends. We probably have a different idea of what a friend is.
    - bgroat 4y ago
      My definition of a friend is defined in another comment response. Basically, "will hang 50%+ of the time an invitation is issued (schedule permitting), and both of us would enjoy ourselves). Typically takes about 3-5 meets to get there
- rjbwork 4y ago
  >1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm not a good looking dude, nor am I an extrovert. So I now just assume anyone approaching me in public is trying to scam me.
lisper 4y ago
Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.
- bgroat 4y ago
  I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... and you will both have a good time" Good friend is not, "Will donate a kidney"
  - lisper 4y ago
    We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend. Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient and superficial. I think most people want more. I know I do.
    - danenania 4y ago
      The relocation point is interesting. I have a lot of friendships that are in 'good friend' territory when we're in the same place, but otherwise go dormant for long periods. I'm ok with this and generally don't feel a need to try to change this dynamic with people. I guess they aren't close friends in exactly the way that you're describing, but they are definitely a lot more than acquaintances. In a strange way I even feel that it can be a testament to the strength of the underlying friendship that we can pick up where we left off after years of minimal contact. I'm actually grateful for these kinds of relationships. I really don't have the time, energy, or desire to keep up ongoing text/email/social media conversations with all these people, but when we are able to meet up I have a great time and find it hugely valuable.
rchaud 4y ago
> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, the opposite is true. Outside of that uni environment, a new person is going to have to knock your socks off with their personality, for you to even consider meeting up with them again. Most people cannot make a first impression that good. Outside of school/uni, people are busy with daily life, and far less likely to chat with strangers. Friendship groups begin to quickly narrow around this time as well, as people get married, go to professional schooling of some kind, and start hanging out mostly with people that are very similar to them.
- crummy 4y ago
  Isn't there supposed to be an epidemic of loneliness amongst many adults?
  - whatshisface 4y ago
    It sounds like a paradox that there would be simultaneous epidemics of loneliness and and standoffishness but they cause each other. In one direction the cause is obvious, in the other lack of socialization causes people's "calibration" to go off as their learned tolerance to unexpected things fades. Real social interactions involve a lot of imperfection and what you sometimes see is that without being desensitized, lonely people's standards can be unreachable. (Other commenters have alluded to this being a result of hyper stimulation on TikTok but it predates it.)
  - rchaud 4y ago
    Yes, because adults in general have less time to spend with friends than someone who's younger, more mobile (live downtown vs the suburbs) and has fewer responsibilities. But loneliness is up among all generations, including those who are in the right time and right place (post-secondary). Many reasons for this as well, including the impact of internet and social media. People are less willing to give others a chance because Tinder/Tiktok/IG has trained them to think that another more interesting experience could be right around the corner.
agumonkey 4y ago
It's not only social anxiety that forbids people. It's also failed relationships that bruise your desire to try again. In my case I failed people enough time not to want to bother someone else :)
- bgroat 4y ago
  It's interesting to me that you think you failed people. I roll my eyes when I hear quotes like, "Judge a fish by it's ability to fly and you'll think it's a failure"... but there is something to that. Maybe you're chocolate and those people just prefer vanilla?
krageon 4y ago
> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it This is true, but only if you're attractive and somewhat charismatic. I would say that means it doesn't apply to the majority of people (who are plain or ugly and not particularly charismatic or actively repulsive).
- bgroat 4y ago
  I'd say it's true if you're aren't unattractive (basically nail personal grooming), and are somewhat interested in someone else.
  - krageon 4y ago
    That is already far above most people, so I think I agree :)
WallabyEV 4y ago
I found positive social interaction as a baseline really rings true - a smile and the nod type thing - post-lockdown in Texas. Great to practice manners again and laugh at mixing up direction of traffic in the grocery store. Bumbling around in a mask in a hurry was not pleasant, this is nicer so I behave the same!

AntoniusBlock 4y ago

If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.

Xeoncross 4y ago
> I go out of my way to maintain the connection It could also be that the OP possesses traits which are notable and desirable to the right people. I've barely exchanged a few sentences with someone before and they immediately stick out to me; not because they are attractive physically, but I notice something about their character that is desirable or rare.
bee_rider 4y ago
On the other hand, attractive women sometimes get harassed. If you are an attractive man, many people will just generally automatically be nice but also respectful toward you. Then you could end up with a cheery disposition because from your point of view the world is just a friendly, respectful place, and people are even nicer to you (or you could turn into a spoiled jerk, there are lots of paths).
the_only_law 4y ago
Something happened within the last year, either to the general social environment around me or my own demeanor. I used to be able to go out and speak to people, have convos, people would even approach me. This year has been much different though. When I go out no one wants to talk, except for straight lunatics. At the bar the other night the only guy who wanted to talk went on a tirade about “the Jews” and kept asking if I was a Jew. A couple years ago I could have had a nice conversation with someone who had just sat next to me.
- InitialLastName 4y ago
  Concerningly, this seems to be a self-reinforcing situation. If everyone willing to have a conversation is a lunatic, of course you wouldn't want to talk to anybody.
- 4y ago

replwoacause 4y ago

I am this exact same way. -NPC Person

nier 4y ago

NPC as in non-playable character? One of the first search results reads: «[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»

gruez 4y ago
Right word, wrong meaning. In the result you quoted, a person's intelligence is being compared to that of a NPC, implying that the person can't think for themselves and does whatever they're told like how NPCs in games act. The gp seems to imply a slightly different meaning, where a person is thought of as being not being a real person, and is only someone you go to for transactional work related stuff.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
- throwaway_4ever 4y ago
  Whichever meaning, NPC is a recent insidious method of dehumanizing people that ranks right up there with labels like "pigs," "rats," and "cockroaches." This tactic is essentially a first prerequisite for mass violence. It's sure to increase incidences of mentally ill shooters viewing everyone around them as bots in a video game. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/2633002420916979 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/26330024209169... https://www.npr.org/2011/03/29/134956180/criminals-see-their-victims-as-less-than-human https://www.npr.org/2011/03/29/134956180/criminals-see-their...
  - vlunkr 4y ago
    My first instinct was to say this seems like an overreaction to a joke, but this is a meme that originated from 4chan and the worst parts of reddit, so you might not be far off, given the track records for violence there.

Workaccount2 4y ago

> I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing so. Sometime around 30 it hit me like a swinging log to my introverted face that the reason I felt that way was because that's how I felt when people reached out to me. It really shook my perspective to realize that many people like having someone reaching out to them and they are not annoyed by it.

Foivos 4y ago

> I preferred to eat lunch by myself and I only discussed the business topic at hand during meetings unless someone else brought up a personal discussion. Probably, they thought that you did not like them.

pessimizer 4y ago

Your Friends Have More Friends Than You https://scribe.citizen4.eu/your-friends-have-more-friends-than-you-e005796841bb https://scribe.citizen4.eu/your-friends-have-more-friends-th... Math makes this part of the human condition. I honestly think that the solution for the shy (like you and I) is to value the relationships that these extroverts offer. At least a couple of the extroverts will think you're wonderful, and the other people that they will accidentally bring into your life through their gregariousness will cover the range from extreme introvert to extreme extrovert and everything in between. You will be meeting those introverts through a person who they trust, which is your best opportunity for successfully connecting with other shy people. The only caveats are that you can't focus on one extrovert; get to know more than one, they're happy to talk. Focusing your explorations on one extrovert puts too much burden on the extrovert, and they want to share their time with a lot of people. The second caveat is to not let the extrovert take advantage of you, because a lot of extroverts are con-men/sales-types. edit: 97% of the good friends I have had in my adult life were the result of a single extrovert talking to me out of the blue in my high school cafeteria. Through her, I met my first real girlfriend, and met two of the members of the band I'd end up singing in and touring with in my 20s. Still friends 30 years later, so I guess she liked me.

nicbou 4y ago

Someone posted succeedsocially.com in another thread, and it's an excellent resource that might help you. I'm astonished by how on-point it is.

kelnos 4y ago

> the furthest I seem to get is “how was your weekend?” Not a social expert here, but that isn't a bad start! Sure, it's a bit small-talk-y, but it can open up more interesting conversation topics. Assuming the person you're talking to give you more than just "oh, it was fine", anyway. You can also modify it to "did you do anything interesting over the weekend?" And then if they say something specific, you can follow up with deeper questions about what they tell you they did, and go from there. I get that it's hard, though. I considered myself an "extroverted introvert" (and even an "introverted extrovert", on my more socially-energetic days), though pandemic isolation has weakened the extrovert part. I often feel like asking deeper follow-up questions is intrusive and somehow bothersome, but I think the first step is to just make yourself not care, and ask anyway. Listen to how the person responds, and you should be able to get an idea if they do want to talk more about it, or if they'd rather not. If not, you can slow down and disengage. But if they do, then that's a good sign to continue.

JumpCrisscross 4y ago

> had a bit of a revelation when I left my last job. There were very few comments from coworkers when I left Can't remember who said this to me, but it stuck: nobody remembers congratulatory calls for a new job. But you never forget each person who reached out when you were fired or let go. It's fun but ephemeral to celebrate. It hurts to share pain, but it’s rewarding. When I find people my gut wants to share burdens with, I listen: they became close friends.