8 ms·

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time

I live in a big city, but I'm terribly lonely. - I live alone. - I work hybrid, but when I go into the office, it's more or less empty and I spend all my time on zoom calls. - My family lives far away. - I'm single. Most weeks, my only social interaction is at the local bar, where I'm a regular, or various dates from apps. Excesses of both of these is unhealthy in different ways. I've been pushing myself to go to meetups and hobby groups, but my hobbies are mostly solo ones (probably a bi-product of spending time alone), and I have terrible decision paralysis. It ends up being a lot of work, and not at all something I'm excited about or that seems _fun_. I don't really have a solution here, but something tells me I'm not alone in being in this situation.

rubicon33 4y ago
Sorry to hear about that difficult situation you are in. Sounds like it's more and more common these days. If I could offer a suggestion... try a sport? Join a tennis club for example, and go to all the meetups. If you don't like tennis, try something else!
standardUser 4y ago
If you go to the same bar all the time and haven't made friends there, try a different bar. And maybe consider those dates as opportunities to make friends in addition to romantic pursuits. A lot of my social group connected originally via dating apps.
- EE84M3i 4y ago
  I have some friends at the bar, and I'm definitely considered welcome as a regular, and always have a good time, etc. But they're mostly drinking buddies, and not much more outside of that, however I'd like to try harder to change that.
  - iosono88 4y ago
    You should stop drinking so much
    - standardUser 4y ago
      How do you know how much this person drinks? Sounds like you've got an axe to grind, but not with this particular stranger.
  - SoftTalker 4y ago
    What do you imagine a friend is? Mostly they are drinking buddies, or <some shared activity> buddies. I have not had a friend in over 30 years who was anything more than someone I knew from an activity we both did or a place we both frequented. People (especially men) pretty much stop having "deep" friendships once they are adults.
    - dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
      That's just an acquaintance, honestly.
    - standardUser 4y ago
      I hope that's not true. Though I'll admit most of my deep male-male friendships date back to high school and new ones are very rare. Most new deeper friendships I've formed have been with women, who I think frankly make better friends.
    - throway98752343 4y ago
      Men can develop deep friendships with each other as adults, it "just" takes enough mutual interest and flexibility to spend a lot of time together. That is much harder if your time is already spoken for my family, a partner, children, work, hobbies, etc. Think of all those sitcom friends who just show up at each others' houses and hang out. Friendship is fundamentally when two people want to spend time talking with each other (without an ulterior motive like sex or commerce).
      - watwut 4y ago
        Sitcoms are not real life and never were. They are made up situations designed to make writing funny scenes easy. Sitcoms are not how people actually ever socialized or behaved.
    - prawn 4y ago
      My wife's closest 10 or so friends are all from school era, 20+ years ago. My close friends are all people I've met as an adult - I'd consider them deep friendships: we've travelled together, catch up regularly, know each others' parents and kids, discuss the issues of the world, etc. But, like school, you need enough time around a common place or interest to develop all that. In my cases, it was usually shared, social offices or having friends in common.
  - standardUser 4y ago
    Yeah, I feel like if you're someone who likes hanging out and talking to people at bars, you can probably do that at lots of bars and meet more new people. I don't think it's unusual to get to know a bunch of people but not form any major friendships (happens at workplaces all the time). You may just need more people in the mix to find those friendships. They're hard to find! Especially if you're a little older and maybe more discriminating about who you want to connect with and spend time with.
cpsns 4y ago
I'm in a similar situation in a very rural area, except probably worse to some degree. I do have a couple of family members local, but there's no bars, zero dating potential, no hobby groups, and no events for people my age whatsoever. I've seriously considered moving to a city, but then I'll have to lose the tiny bit of social interaction I actually do have, my family. In some ways I want to believe I could build a better social life in a city and be happier since there's more opportunity on all fronts, but I don't actually believe that would be the case. I've never even met my coworkers, my social life is non-existent. It's actually crazy to think it's even possible to end up in a situation like I have. The loneliness has seriously messed with me mentally at this point and I really can't see things getting better anywhere I am. I'm not sure I could muster the will to move at this point anyway. I think I may be too far gone. I don't have a fix for you, but I completely get where you're coming from.
- strix_varius 4y ago
  That sounds hard to deal with! I haven't had the exact same experience, but I have spent periods of my life living in places where it was hard to build a social support structure. One thing I noticed: it sounds like you're thinking in terms of the two most extreme decisions (stay "here" forever vs. "leave" your family to move to the city). You might be able to leverage your remote-work position to try different places, in case one of them might be a good fit for you. Sublet an apartment or stay in a long-term AirBnB in a city that you're considering, and during that time (a couple of months, maybe?) dedicate significant energy to meeting people. If it doesn't work, then you have a better grasp on the reality of the situation - if it does, then you can extend your experiment from months to year(s).
- qnt 4y ago
  mate honestly that sounds like you're cutting off your legs to save your toes. you should take a backpacking holiday in a busy city somewhere (overseas?). If you have fun, try a working-holiday in a new city for a couple weeks. Maybe one you've been thinking of moving to? just try it on. There's no downside.
  - cpsns 4y ago
jjoonathan 4y ago
Yeah, I think many social groups are suffering from bootstrap problems post covid.
- akolbe 4y ago
  Covid definitely was a game changer for us (I am married). It reduced the number of in-person contacts with people outside our household by an order of magnitude, decimated the number of car miles we drove, and changed our attitude to being at home. Even as Covid is now somewhat less of an issue, some of those habits have stuck.
SCUSKU 4y ago
Hey, can relate. Your situation seems tough, but you're right, you're not alone in this situation. Something I've noticed as I got older is just how isolating the US can be. The predominate culture is for children to go to college (oftentimes far away from family), then move to a city (again far away from family). People don't go to church or other religious gatherings as often so people don't build community that way as much anymore. And now that work is remote/hybrid, as you said, even when you go into the office there isn't much there. I think the US is really failing from an institutional level in that the only reliable way I have ever had of meeting new people was schooling. A dream of mine is that community centers become well funded and become just a place to hang out (like a library but with more activities) and can help facilitate bringing communities together and building those relationships. But I hope something changes for you, and you do something to change it. Best of luck!
chris_va 4y ago
I (like other commenters) can understand where you coming from. There are, of course, lots of solutions if you are willing to try them. Out of curiosity, have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Or joining a rec league, or a shared activity group? The latter is nice, as it's a weekly forcing function.
- EE84M3i 4y ago
  >have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Frankly, this made me laugh out loud. 1. Who am I going to invite? It's not like I have old connections to rekindle. 2. I have a tiny apartment and couldn't exactly host many guests. My table could theoretically sit four if I rearranged some things (the max it's ever had is 2) 3. Considering I'm not exactly a socialite now (It's been a while since I went to a dinner party or anything), I have absolutely zero confidence in hosting one myself. So, maybe this is all in my head, but it doesn't seem easy to me at all.
  - pbronez 4y ago
    You live in an apartment? Who else lives on your building? In a decent sized building I bet you’re not the only lonely person. Find the other ones, and create some social thing that’s easy to say yes to. Dinner is straightforward. Other excuses include book clubs, movie viewings, crafts, community garden, volunteering, etc. For a dinner, if your apartment is small, use a common space. If you don’t have a common room, do it outdoors. If you don’t have picnic tables, go to a park. If you don’t cook, have a potluck. If nobody cooks, order in. Don’t allow yourself to give up before you start. Focus on: (1) identify a pool of people worth interacting with (Eg neighbors, hobby enthusiasts, co-religionists) (2.a) find where those people gather and join them (2.b) if they don’t gather yet, convene them yourself in a way that is easy for them and you. This whole thing is absolutely work though. 2.a is way easier than 2.b.
    - bittercynic 4y ago
      I think you are taking for granted a huge body of knowledge that some of us are lacking. Hosting a dinner gathering is complicated. What foods do you serve? What time? Do you complete all the food prep before guests arrive? If you are chatting over appetizers, how do you invite your guests to the table for the main meal? There's not just one right way to do these things, but if you're trying to host a dinner party for people who you're not already comfortable socializing with, each little thing can feel like "Am I doing this right? <panic>"
everdrive 4y ago
It seems like nearly everyone has found themselves in this situation. Along, but unable to connect. I don't know what the answer is, but good luck.
foobarian 4y ago
As kid I spent time in an old fashioned Russian serf type village, where a bunch of families lived together and worked a bunch of strips of land. It was the best time I ever had. Everyone had a job to do, and they were happy to let you help. The tasks you were given seemed fulfilling and meaningful. Today is horrible. Nobody lives with family or knows neighbors around here. No more church. There are some craft clubs, but what's the point? Anything you can make pales in comparison to what you can get for a couple of bucks from Amazon. Growing a garden also seems pointless when you see the local grocery store. There are a bunch of hobbies but they also seem pointless when you look at a few Youtube videos and see all the popular channels doing exactly what you would like to but a million times better. Honestly if I didn't have a kid I'd probably hang up my hat, but I do need to figure out how to make sure the kid doesn't have this experience. (p.s. moving back to the Russian serf village is not the solution, that place is now ruined, young people moved to the city, old people died off or drank themselves to death. One guy hung himself.)
- UnpossibleJim 4y ago
  If you can find a community garden, they're way better than the grocery. No offense or anything. Plus you get to meet your local community. I miss mine, now that I'm in the suburbs. You might look into it. It fosters a lot more than just healthy food. It builds neighborhoods, reclaims land and makes friends in the community. They're great.
  - bergenty 4y ago
    All of these suggestions are optional. The biggest part of community is it is a forced coexistence. Anything optional takes willpower and most people just will not do consistently.
    - watwut 4y ago
      Optional community is strictly superior to forced one. Cause you can get away if it becomes abusive.
crazygringo 4y ago
You're definitely not alone, and it sucks that getting involved in stuff isn't "automatic." But there are lots of paths. Amateur sport leagues are one good solution, if you played something in high school or college. Improv comedy classes are another classic great one, for total beginners. If you're in a big city, there's a shocking number of beginner classes if you look. Acting, pottery, ballet, baksetball, stand-up comedy, acro-yoga, all sorts of stuff. Mushroom foraging in the park, depending on the season. It definitely takes some time to figure it out. (And sadly there's less now post-COVID as some stuff closed and never re-opened -- but there's still enough!) You're right it's a lot of work to research and go to, and you won't like 80% of it. But you'll quickly find the 20% you do, and you'll have funny horrible stories to tell about the other 80%. :)
seydor 4y ago
Big city seems to be the key. Loneliness is the default in a modern city, because we can. It used to be that daily needs led to friction that sometimes (if people were social enough) led to interaction (introverts were much less likely to engage so it usually took a lot of friction before interaction becomes possible). Schools (and universities) still provide the largest field for such interaction. Everything else has been largely automated away. If we accept that this is a problem, then we should think about ways that force people to be near each other again, somewhat artificially. This is different than building a bar or making a meetup and expecting people to come - only the most extrovert want to go there.
- Gigachad 4y ago
  The most important thing is removing cars. Get people to walk, you’ll visit more local places and see more local people rather than a random arrangement of people all over the place. You’ll also bump in to people while walking which doesn’t happen in cars.
gfarah 4y ago
Two ideas for you to consider: 1. If you can, get a dog, it will force you to socialize, plus they will keep you company when it's just the two of you. 2. If you can, do one year remote in a traditionally friendly society. E.g I have a friend in Medellín, Colombia. 50% of her apartment building are expats, they do stuff all the time.
fleddr 4y ago
Try volunteer work, for example at an animal shelter. Where meeting new people is hard and you may feel that you're intruding, the opposite is true for volunteer work. By design they need you, accept you and embrace you. Don't overthink it. Do it.
Gustomaximus 4y ago
My solution, and I respect its not for everyone, is learn to cook and start inviting people around for weekend lunch/dinners. I think this is more personal and better than heading to bars and restaurants. I find this is a really good way to build a social network and become part of groups. It may be a little intimidating at first, but as it becomes regular, it's easier to add new people to an existing friend group than many new people together. If people get along start expanding to other things. Weekends away or days trips to do hobby x. Bring new people in. Understand sometimes you have to move on from people that dont fit. But overall put in the effort to be the organiser. I think people sometimes forget as an adult you often have to put in effort to build new relationships. It doesnt happen as organically as it did when you were young. There's huge value in it and we'll worth it I feel.
biztos 4y ago
I definitely recommend meetups. I think the key is to accept that some will be duds, but keep trying. And don’t overspecialize. I moved to a new big city a while back, and meetups (from Meetup.com but just because I don’t like FB) were a huge help. It was hard at first, I picked some really bad ones but then I found better ones. It’s still hit or miss but I know the good ones are out there. I have ended up with one I go to regularly — for a topic I’m not even super interested in, but I’ve met very interesting people there. Plus one I used to go to that I could drop in on if I felt lonely, it’s not topic-based. I even lead one myself, once in a while, going to art shows: that’s pretty stressful for me but also rewarding. Enough so that I’ve thought about starting another, unrelated one. In about a year of doing this, I have made two friends and am probably making a third, and I have a backlog of meetups I’d love to try out if my schedule shifts and I could go to them. It felt a little weird in the beginning, because I’ve lived in a few different cities and always made friends randomly. Honestly I felt like a bit of a loser, like who goes to meetups? But as far as I could tell it was meetups or spend all my time in the bars, and I really didn’t want to get stuck in the latter groove. And there’s nothing loserish about recognizing your situation and working to improve it. (A lot of meetups involve drinking anyway, so if you like bars it’s easy to combine.) Good luck, I hope you find your people!
shrimp_emoji 4y ago
Vangelis's 25th Anniversary Blade Runner soundtrack was made for your life: https://youtu.be/73um9Dr3VDY?t=854 https://youtu.be/73um9Dr3VDY?t=854
Camillo 4y ago
Yeah, the notion that people are _choosing_ to be alone makes me laugh. I think I'm even worse off than you, since I don't like drinking alone.
moneywoes 4y ago
Well at least you’re getting dates on the bright side
throway98752343 4y ago
I am with you. I just want to share that succeedsocially.com has a lot of straightforward advice in a clean, ad-free format. In particular it talks about social issues more likely to afflict HN readers ("I hate small talk" "nobody likes my niche interests" etc. <3) I've found it helpful personally, maybe someone here will too.
Teknoman117 4y ago
This isn't really an actionable response, but what I did in this situation was move to where my friends were. I'm lucky in that the majority of the people I met in college happen to live around a particular area of the country, so I transferred there after much pestering on their part over the last few years. I honestly haven't been this happy in years.
Razengan 4y ago
> something tells me I'm not alone in being in this situation. You're not. All human society worldwide is optimized for isolation. Compartmentalized. Even the more communal cultures (like Middle-Eastern or Asian with extended families living in the same household for multiple generations). We have distinct "spheres" that may sometimes overlap a little but with almost no interfaces to mingle between them: Work, home, civilian, government, policing, shops, services, online, offline...
nicbou 4y ago
This is very common with the immigrants where I live. So many friends struggled with that in their first 3 years or so. They all end up making friends over time, and then the process becomes easier as they meet friends of friends. There is not a specific method to it. You just hack at it until you find yourself surrounded by friends. I made friends by connecting with people who worked on similar things. We invited each other for a drink and ended up hanging out. I've also met a lot of friends through other friends. Our groups just merged over time. It helps to be the one organising things and inviting others. I don't remember making many friends in meetups, but perhaps that's just me.

rubicon33 4y ago

Sorry to hear about that difficult situation you are in. Sounds like it's more and more common these days. If I could offer a suggestion... try a sport? Join a tennis club for example, and go to all the meetups. If you don't like tennis, try something else!

standardUser 4y ago

If you go to the same bar all the time and haven't made friends there, try a different bar. And maybe consider those dates as opportunities to make friends in addition to romantic pursuits. A lot of my social group connected originally via dating apps.

EE84M3i 4y ago
I have some friends at the bar, and I'm definitely considered welcome as a regular, and always have a good time, etc. But they're mostly drinking buddies, and not much more outside of that, however I'd like to try harder to change that.
- iosono88 4y ago
  You should stop drinking so much
  - standardUser 4y ago
    How do you know how much this person drinks? Sounds like you've got an axe to grind, but not with this particular stranger.
- SoftTalker 4y ago
  What do you imagine a friend is? Mostly they are drinking buddies, or <some shared activity> buddies. I have not had a friend in over 30 years who was anything more than someone I knew from an activity we both did or a place we both frequented. People (especially men) pretty much stop having "deep" friendships once they are adults.
  - dinosaurdynasty 4y ago
    That's just an acquaintance, honestly.
  - standardUser 4y ago
    I hope that's not true. Though I'll admit most of my deep male-male friendships date back to high school and new ones are very rare. Most new deeper friendships I've formed have been with women, who I think frankly make better friends.
  - throway98752343 4y ago
    Men can develop deep friendships with each other as adults, it "just" takes enough mutual interest and flexibility to spend a lot of time together. That is much harder if your time is already spoken for my family, a partner, children, work, hobbies, etc. Think of all those sitcom friends who just show up at each others' houses and hang out. Friendship is fundamentally when two people want to spend time talking with each other (without an ulterior motive like sex or commerce).
    - watwut 4y ago
      Sitcoms are not real life and never were. They are made up situations designed to make writing funny scenes easy. Sitcoms are not how people actually ever socialized or behaved.
  - prawn 4y ago
    My wife's closest 10 or so friends are all from school era, 20+ years ago. My close friends are all people I've met as an adult - I'd consider them deep friendships: we've travelled together, catch up regularly, know each others' parents and kids, discuss the issues of the world, etc. But, like school, you need enough time around a common place or interest to develop all that. In my cases, it was usually shared, social offices or having friends in common.
- standardUser 4y ago
  Yeah, I feel like if you're someone who likes hanging out and talking to people at bars, you can probably do that at lots of bars and meet more new people. I don't think it's unusual to get to know a bunch of people but not form any major friendships (happens at workplaces all the time). You may just need more people in the mix to find those friendships. They're hard to find! Especially if you're a little older and maybe more discriminating about who you want to connect with and spend time with.

cpsns 4y ago

I'm in a similar situation in a very rural area, except probably worse to some degree. I do have a couple of family members local, but there's no bars, zero dating potential, no hobby groups, and no events for people my age whatsoever. I've seriously considered moving to a city, but then I'll have to lose the tiny bit of social interaction I actually do have, my family. In some ways I want to believe I could build a better social life in a city and be happier since there's more opportunity on all fronts, but I don't actually believe that would be the case. I've never even met my coworkers, my social life is non-existent. It's actually crazy to think it's even possible to end up in a situation like I have. The loneliness has seriously messed with me mentally at this point and I really can't see things getting better anywhere I am. I'm not sure I could muster the will to move at this point anyway. I think I may be too far gone. I don't have a fix for you, but I completely get where you're coming from.

strix_varius 4y ago
That sounds hard to deal with! I haven't had the exact same experience, but I have spent periods of my life living in places where it was hard to build a social support structure. One thing I noticed: it sounds like you're thinking in terms of the two most extreme decisions (stay "here" forever vs. "leave" your family to move to the city). You might be able to leverage your remote-work position to try different places, in case one of them might be a good fit for you. Sublet an apartment or stay in a long-term AirBnB in a city that you're considering, and during that time (a couple of months, maybe?) dedicate significant energy to meeting people. If it doesn't work, then you have a better grasp on the reality of the situation - if it does, then you can extend your experiment from months to year(s).
qnt 4y ago
mate honestly that sounds like you're cutting off your legs to save your toes. you should take a backpacking holiday in a busy city somewhere (overseas?). If you have fun, try a working-holiday in a new city for a couple weeks. Maybe one you've been thinking of moving to? just try it on. There's no downside.
- cpsns 4y ago

jjoonathan 4y ago

Yeah, I think many social groups are suffering from bootstrap problems post covid.

akolbe 4y ago
Covid definitely was a game changer for us (I am married). It reduced the number of in-person contacts with people outside our household by an order of magnitude, decimated the number of car miles we drove, and changed our attitude to being at home. Even as Covid is now somewhat less of an issue, some of those habits have stuck.

SCUSKU 4y ago

Hey, can relate. Your situation seems tough, but you're right, you're not alone in this situation. Something I've noticed as I got older is just how isolating the US can be. The predominate culture is for children to go to college (oftentimes far away from family), then move to a city (again far away from family). People don't go to church or other religious gatherings as often so people don't build community that way as much anymore. And now that work is remote/hybrid, as you said, even when you go into the office there isn't much there. I think the US is really failing from an institutional level in that the only reliable way I have ever had of meeting new people was schooling. A dream of mine is that community centers become well funded and become just a place to hang out (like a library but with more activities) and can help facilitate bringing communities together and building those relationships. But I hope something changes for you, and you do something to change it. Best of luck!

chris_va 4y ago

I (like other commenters) can understand where you coming from. There are, of course, lots of solutions if you are willing to try them. Out of curiosity, have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Or joining a rec league, or a shared activity group? The latter is nice, as it's a weekly forcing function.

EE84M3i 4y ago
>have you tried the easy ones, like regularly inviting other folks over for a group dinner? Frankly, this made me laugh out loud. 1. Who am I going to invite? It's not like I have old connections to rekindle. 2. I have a tiny apartment and couldn't exactly host many guests. My table could theoretically sit four if I rearranged some things (the max it's ever had is 2) 3. Considering I'm not exactly a socialite now (It's been a while since I went to a dinner party or anything), I have absolutely zero confidence in hosting one myself. So, maybe this is all in my head, but it doesn't seem easy to me at all.
- pbronez 4y ago
  You live in an apartment? Who else lives on your building? In a decent sized building I bet you’re not the only lonely person. Find the other ones, and create some social thing that’s easy to say yes to. Dinner is straightforward. Other excuses include book clubs, movie viewings, crafts, community garden, volunteering, etc. For a dinner, if your apartment is small, use a common space. If you don’t have a common room, do it outdoors. If you don’t have picnic tables, go to a park. If you don’t cook, have a potluck. If nobody cooks, order in. Don’t allow yourself to give up before you start. Focus on: (1) identify a pool of people worth interacting with (Eg neighbors, hobby enthusiasts, co-religionists) (2.a) find where those people gather and join them (2.b) if they don’t gather yet, convene them yourself in a way that is easy for them and you. This whole thing is absolutely work though. 2.a is way easier than 2.b.
  - bittercynic 4y ago
    I think you are taking for granted a huge body of knowledge that some of us are lacking. Hosting a dinner gathering is complicated. What foods do you serve? What time? Do you complete all the food prep before guests arrive? If you are chatting over appetizers, how do you invite your guests to the table for the main meal? There's not just one right way to do these things, but if you're trying to host a dinner party for people who you're not already comfortable socializing with, each little thing can feel like "Am I doing this right? <panic>"

everdrive 4y ago

It seems like nearly everyone has found themselves in this situation. Along, but unable to connect. I don't know what the answer is, but good luck.

foobarian 4y ago

As kid I spent time in an old fashioned Russian serf type village, where a bunch of families lived together and worked a bunch of strips of land. It was the best time I ever had. Everyone had a job to do, and they were happy to let you help. The tasks you were given seemed fulfilling and meaningful. Today is horrible. Nobody lives with family or knows neighbors around here. No more church. There are some craft clubs, but what's the point? Anything you can make pales in comparison to what you can get for a couple of bucks from Amazon. Growing a garden also seems pointless when you see the local grocery store. There are a bunch of hobbies but they also seem pointless when you look at a few Youtube videos and see all the popular channels doing exactly what you would like to but a million times better. Honestly if I didn't have a kid I'd probably hang up my hat, but I do need to figure out how to make sure the kid doesn't have this experience. (p.s. moving back to the Russian serf village is not the solution, that place is now ruined, young people moved to the city, old people died off or drank themselves to death. One guy hung himself.)

UnpossibleJim 4y ago
If you can find a community garden, they're way better than the grocery. No offense or anything. Plus you get to meet your local community. I miss mine, now that I'm in the suburbs. You might look into it. It fosters a lot more than just healthy food. It builds neighborhoods, reclaims land and makes friends in the community. They're great.
- bergenty 4y ago
  All of these suggestions are optional. The biggest part of community is it is a forced coexistence. Anything optional takes willpower and most people just will not do consistently.
  - watwut 4y ago
    Optional community is strictly superior to forced one. Cause you can get away if it becomes abusive.

crazygringo 4y ago

You're definitely not alone, and it sucks that getting involved in stuff isn't "automatic." But there are lots of paths. Amateur sport leagues are one good solution, if you played something in high school or college. Improv comedy classes are another classic great one, for total beginners. If you're in a big city, there's a shocking number of beginner classes if you look. Acting, pottery, ballet, baksetball, stand-up comedy, acro-yoga, all sorts of stuff. Mushroom foraging in the park, depending on the season. It definitely takes some time to figure it out. (And sadly there's less now post-COVID as some stuff closed and never re-opened -- but there's still enough!) You're right it's a lot of work to research and go to, and you won't like 80% of it. But you'll quickly find the 20% you do, and you'll have funny horrible stories to tell about the other 80%. :)

seydor 4y ago

Big city seems to be the key. Loneliness is the default in a modern city, because we can. It used to be that daily needs led to friction that sometimes (if people were social enough) led to interaction (introverts were much less likely to engage so it usually took a lot of friction before interaction becomes possible). Schools (and universities) still provide the largest field for such interaction. Everything else has been largely automated away. If we accept that this is a problem, then we should think about ways that force people to be near each other again, somewhat artificially. This is different than building a bar or making a meetup and expecting people to come - only the most extrovert want to go there.

Gigachad 4y ago
The most important thing is removing cars. Get people to walk, you’ll visit more local places and see more local people rather than a random arrangement of people all over the place. You’ll also bump in to people while walking which doesn’t happen in cars.

gfarah 4y ago

Two ideas for you to consider: 1. If you can, get a dog, it will force you to socialize, plus they will keep you company when it's just the two of you. 2. If you can, do one year remote in a traditionally friendly society. E.g I have a friend in Medellín, Colombia. 50% of her apartment building are expats, they do stuff all the time.

fleddr 4y ago

Try volunteer work, for example at an animal shelter. Where meeting new people is hard and you may feel that you're intruding, the opposite is true for volunteer work. By design they need you, accept you and embrace you. Don't overthink it. Do it.

Gustomaximus 4y ago

My solution, and I respect its not for everyone, is learn to cook and start inviting people around for weekend lunch/dinners. I think this is more personal and better than heading to bars and restaurants. I find this is a really good way to build a social network and become part of groups. It may be a little intimidating at first, but as it becomes regular, it's easier to add new people to an existing friend group than many new people together. If people get along start expanding to other things. Weekends away or days trips to do hobby x. Bring new people in. Understand sometimes you have to move on from people that dont fit. But overall put in the effort to be the organiser. I think people sometimes forget as an adult you often have to put in effort to build new relationships. It doesnt happen as organically as it did when you were young. There's huge value in it and we'll worth it I feel.

biztos 4y ago

I definitely recommend meetups. I think the key is to accept that some will be duds, but keep trying. And don’t overspecialize. I moved to a new big city a while back, and meetups (from Meetup.com but just because I don’t like FB) were a huge help. It was hard at first, I picked some really bad ones but then I found better ones. It’s still hit or miss but I know the good ones are out there. I have ended up with one I go to regularly — for a topic I’m not even super interested in, but I’ve met very interesting people there. Plus one I used to go to that I could drop in on if I felt lonely, it’s not topic-based. I even lead one myself, once in a while, going to art shows: that’s pretty stressful for me but also rewarding. Enough so that I’ve thought about starting another, unrelated one. In about a year of doing this, I have made two friends and am probably making a third, and I have a backlog of meetups I’d love to try out if my schedule shifts and I could go to them. It felt a little weird in the beginning, because I’ve lived in a few different cities and always made friends randomly. Honestly I felt like a bit of a loser, like who goes to meetups? But as far as I could tell it was meetups or spend all my time in the bars, and I really didn’t want to get stuck in the latter groove. And there’s nothing loserish about recognizing your situation and working to improve it. (A lot of meetups involve drinking anyway, so if you like bars it’s easy to combine.) Good luck, I hope you find your people!

shrimp_emoji 4y ago

Vangelis's 25th Anniversary Blade Runner soundtrack was made for your life: https://youtu.be/73um9Dr3VDY?t=854 https://youtu.be/73um9Dr3VDY?t=854

Camillo 4y ago

Yeah, the notion that people are _choosing_ to be alone makes me laugh. I think I'm even worse off than you, since I don't like drinking alone.

moneywoes 4y ago

Well at least you’re getting dates on the bright side

throway98752343 4y ago

I am with you. I just want to share that succeedsocially.com has a lot of straightforward advice in a clean, ad-free format. In particular it talks about social issues more likely to afflict HN readers ("I hate small talk" "nobody likes my niche interests" etc. <3) I've found it helpful personally, maybe someone here will too.

Teknoman117 4y ago

This isn't really an actionable response, but what I did in this situation was move to where my friends were. I'm lucky in that the majority of the people I met in college happen to live around a particular area of the country, so I transferred there after much pestering on their part over the last few years. I honestly haven't been this happy in years.

Razengan 4y ago

> something tells me I'm not alone in being in this situation. You're not. All human society worldwide is optimized for isolation. Compartmentalized. Even the more communal cultures (like Middle-Eastern or Asian with extended families living in the same household for multiple generations). We have distinct "spheres" that may sometimes overlap a little but with almost no interfaces to mingle between them: Work, home, civilian, government, policing, shops, services, online, offline...

nicbou 4y ago

This is very common with the immigrants where I live. So many friends struggled with that in their first 3 years or so. They all end up making friends over time, and then the process becomes easier as they meet friends of friends. There is not a specific method to it. You just hack at it until you find yourself surrounded by friends. I made friends by connecting with people who worked on similar things. We invited each other for a drink and ended up hanging out. I've also met a lot of friends through other friends. Our groups just merged over time. It helps to be the one organising things and inviting others. I don't remember making many friends in meetups, but perhaps that's just me.