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I always feel like I'm outside looking in when people talk about making and keeping friends. I was make fun of a lot as a kid, moved around a lot, and then as a

I always feel like I'm outside looking in when people talk about making and keeping friends. I was make fun of a lot as a kid, moved around a lot, and then as a young adult I didn't prioritize making friends, thinking I'd have my whole life to make some. I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work). I have a family and that's super nice, but I still never really experienced this. Reading about it just hurts. Sure, I had "friends"in college, but we don't keep in touch.

BLKNSLVR 4y ago
I find I've managed to find friends incidentally just by doing things. Taking up tennis, I've made friends, rollerskating, friends, and one potential close friend, kids sports, friends. I've actually been somewhat surprised by how much random people desire connection upon the most tenuous of common interests. Get involved in something, anything, that you like and slowly reach out to others with the same interests and you'll find friendships. Something I've found though, build them slowly lest they burn out quickly upon a pyre of previously unaware incompatibilities of opinion. I seem to be an approachable person; being at least a superficially nice person, easy with a smile, seems to make a difference. My few 'best' friends I see ever so rarely, but when we get together it's like no time has passed. I think that's a true test of deep friendship compatibility.
- nottorp 4y ago
  This. Find some group activity that's not work. Don't be shy to change said activity until you find one that you like. Then you'll have a group of people that are interested in at least one thing you're interested in and don't need to do office politics with you. Some kind of friendship with at least some of them will just follow.
10hr 4y ago
You had a massive, untested assumption about life which ended up wrong. At least you got the family part
moltar 4y ago
> I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work). I think this might be a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m 40 and I’m still making friends. I don’t see why there must be some sort of magical age limit. Imagine there’s another one of you. Wouldn’t you want to be friends with them?
- AussieWog93 4y ago
  >Imagine there’s another one of you. Wouldn’t you want to be friends with them? Holy shit, that's a really thought-provoking question. I wonder how many others would answer "probably not".
  - b112 4y ago
    I wonder how many others would answer "probably not". To me, this isn't about liking me, who wouldn't! It's more about being identical. Even if a friend shares the same likes, interests, hobbies, they have a different view on it. Their brain thinks via a different process. I don't want a mirror as a friend.
    - swores 4y ago
      I'm pretty sure by "another you" they meant "another person who reached 30 wishing they had more friends", not a literally identical person.
      - moltar 4y ago
        Yes, that’s what I meant.
- szundi 4y ago
  This is very true. Only thing is that after some time people stop trying and the other party is also needed
- ChuckNorris89 4y ago
  >Imagine there’s another one of you. Wouldn’t you want to be friends with them? Yeah but finding the other ones like you is incredibly difficult. People in their 30's and 40's with zero friends looking to make new ones are basically non existent where I live.
highwaylights 4y ago
Oddly, I was quite awkward as a teenager and really struggled to make friends then. I had friends in college, but I don’t really keep in touch with any of them these days. My closest friends are a few I’ve had since childhood, but mostly those I’ve made since adulthood through work and just striking up conversations outside of it. Try a few new things and put yourself out there. We’re none of us that different and we’re all social creatures.
- the_only_law 4y ago
  I don’t know what happened but after Covid no one talks to me anymore. Prior to Covid I could go out to a bar, strike up a convo with someone (or vice versa) and just chat about stuff, sometimes awkward sometimes not. Now though, no one seems to want to talk, bot sure if something about my demeanor has changed or something. I hate going out now because it usually just involves me slamming down drinks to kill time.
powersnail 4y ago
> I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work) Nah. This is just a self-made bubble. Even without any activity outside work, you can still meet friends' friend and family's friend. There's always new people to talk to. I've made a lot of friends outside work since adulthood, from various sources. Just last week, I made a new friend at a mutual friend's party, and played a duet together. We've scheduled to play another next month. Another friend of mine just made 11 new friends outside of work last month, as he joined a baseball amateur league. Just go do what you enjoy, and talk to people. If you share a common interest, and have no big clash in personality, that's probably a budding friendship.
- dclowd9901 4y ago
  I’m not sure you can adopt such a dismissive tone here. I mean, your whole premise is that you met a friend at a mutual friend’s dinner party. You seem to have something of an “engine” of friends available that allow a preponderance of socialization. I think many of us in our 30s don’t even have that.
  - feteru 4y ago
    Except almost anything you do can be the beginning of that engine. Joining sports team, hobbyist group for anything will lead you to meet people, through whom you either meet or hear about other events. Strong network effects once you get going but you do need to have time to show up consistently and in a good spot
    - watwut 4y ago
      Many sports teams don't build all that much of friendship outside of training and competitions. They are acquitances with no other investment. The moment you get injured or sick, friendship is gone. Same goes for hobby groups.
      - recyclelater 4y ago
        This is a very cynical take and I would recommend some self reflection. I know for a fact you can make lifelong friends from shared interests. I’ve done it, I have friends who have done it. Maybe it’s harder for some but it is absolutely common.
lordnacho 4y ago
I was going to write my own comment but I saw what you wrote and it reminded me of something that happened a few weeks ago. Basically I'm the guy who keeps in touch with everyone. I have a chat group with guys I met at age 4. Everyone who went to school with me asks me "where is X now" and I'll tell them I last spoke to them not long ago. I talk to my old teachers, across the spectrum from 1st grade to high school. People from various jobs I did 20 years ago, I still know. So I'm rounding up people for a high school signal group, and even those guys who never say anything to anyone will join it because it's memes and news articles we can comment on. Kinda nice to have all your old buddies there, even with lurkers bring a thing on private groups. But this one guy, I know him pretty well, been to his house many times growing up, visited his parents, went to each others weddings, etc... Doesn't want to join. It's just too painful. He feels tormented by some of the other guys in the group. Apparently they tried this some time ago and the chat descended into bullying him like we were in school, except now we're grown up everyone thinks it doesn't hurt anymore. I really wish there was a solution, but I think it won't happen. Sometimes relationships go off the rails and never come back. I'll still go see my buddy next time I'm near him, but he's cut off everyone else.
- Thlom 4y ago
  You sound both like a wonderful human being and a very annoying one at the same time. But I like it. I salute you for keeping your people connected. Wish I had someone like you in my life.
  - deleted 4y ago
    [deleted]
- serverholic 4y ago
  Did you say anything about the bullying when it happened? It sounds like you’re prioritizing quantity of friends.
  - bjord 4y ago
    > Apparently they tried this some time ago... it sounds to me like OP wasn't a participant in this group (and is only after finding out about what happened), though I could be misinterpreting it
agumonkey 4y ago
> Reading about it just hurts says a lot about our nature, i empathize (even though unlike you I can blame myself a bit for failing this aspect of existence), good luck
technothrasher 4y ago
> I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work). I'm not sure where you got that impression. At 51 I'm still making new friends, mostly by seeking people out who share hobbies that I'm interested in. It gives me a base level of conversation to start out with. I recently started up a great relationship with the curator at a clock museum simply by going to his museum and talking clock with him. I go visit him at least once a month now, and he's begun to introduce me to other museum curators in the area. I also made a new set of friends recently by answering a Craigslist ad for a classic car in the area, then going to look at the car and talking to the guy for a couple hours. He invited me to a Sunday drive with a group of local classic car folks, and now I'm part of the group.
- weatherlite 4y ago
  In general he's right though, people are getting loneliner and make less (and less deep) friendships as they get old. As far as I know this is all pretty much common knowledge and verified in surveys and research.
GuB-42 4y ago
> (outside work) That's a pretty big exclusion. It is like excluding friends you make at school when you are a kid. Obviously, to make friends you have to meet them first and preferably spend some time with them. And during adulthood, work is usually where it happens, during childhood, it is school. I think the reason it happens less often in adulthood is that many people already have an established group of friends, but if life changes break the group people will make friends again.
fortran77 4y ago
Pre-pandemic, I liked "meetup" or other similar groups. You can make a lot of friends fast at a Haskell meetup, or at a retrocomputing users group. I suppose they're starting to come back....
- legerdemain 4y ago
  Can you? I've been going to a monthly language meetup for a year now. It's the only one in real life I've been able to find in SF. Basically no one comes twice, and the ones I reach out to after the monthly meeting are lukewarm about hanging out.
foobiekr 4y ago
If you're in the bay area, I am always up to have coffee with new, interesting people. I don't have a lot of time, but I actually automate this, and allocate a few hours a week just to casual meetings people. I rotate around who I get together with to make it manageable, so an hour or so doesn't disrupt my schedule at all.

BLKNSLVR 4y ago

I find I've managed to find friends incidentally just by doing things. Taking up tennis, I've made friends, rollerskating, friends, and one potential close friend, kids sports, friends. I've actually been somewhat surprised by how much random people desire connection upon the most tenuous of common interests. Get involved in something, anything, that you like and slowly reach out to others with the same interests and you'll find friendships. Something I've found though, build them slowly lest they burn out quickly upon a pyre of previously unaware incompatibilities of opinion. I seem to be an approachable person; being at least a superficially nice person, easy with a smile, seems to make a difference. My few 'best' friends I see ever so rarely, but when we get together it's like no time has passed. I think that's a true test of deep friendship compatibility.

nottorp 4y ago
This. Find some group activity that's not work. Don't be shy to change said activity until you find one that you like. Then you'll have a group of people that are interested in at least one thing you're interested in and don't need to do office politics with you. Some kind of friendship with at least some of them will just follow.

10hr 4y ago

You had a massive, untested assumption about life which ended up wrong. At least you got the family part

moltar 4y ago

> I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work). I think this might be a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m 40 and I’m still making friends. I don’t see why there must be some sort of magical age limit. Imagine there’s another one of you. Wouldn’t you want to be friends with them?

AussieWog93 4y ago
>Imagine there’s another one of you. Wouldn’t you want to be friends with them? Holy shit, that's a really thought-provoking question. I wonder how many others would answer "probably not".
- b112 4y ago
  I wonder how many others would answer "probably not". To me, this isn't about liking me, who wouldn't! It's more about being identical. Even if a friend shares the same likes, interests, hobbies, they have a different view on it. Their brain thinks via a different process. I don't want a mirror as a friend.
  - swores 4y ago
    I'm pretty sure by "another you" they meant "another person who reached 30 wishing they had more friends", not a literally identical person.
    - moltar 4y ago
      Yes, that’s what I meant.
szundi 4y ago
This is very true. Only thing is that after some time people stop trying and the other party is also needed
ChuckNorris89 4y ago
>Imagine there’s another one of you. Wouldn’t you want to be friends with them? Yeah but finding the other ones like you is incredibly difficult. People in their 30's and 40's with zero friends looking to make new ones are basically non existent where I live.

highwaylights 4y ago

Oddly, I was quite awkward as a teenager and really struggled to make friends then. I had friends in college, but I don’t really keep in touch with any of them these days. My closest friends are a few I’ve had since childhood, but mostly those I’ve made since adulthood through work and just striking up conversations outside of it. Try a few new things and put yourself out there. We’re none of us that different and we’re all social creatures.

the_only_law 4y ago
I don’t know what happened but after Covid no one talks to me anymore. Prior to Covid I could go out to a bar, strike up a convo with someone (or vice versa) and just chat about stuff, sometimes awkward sometimes not. Now though, no one seems to want to talk, bot sure if something about my demeanor has changed or something. I hate going out now because it usually just involves me slamming down drinks to kill time.

powersnail 4y ago

> I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work) Nah. This is just a self-made bubble. Even without any activity outside work, you can still meet friends' friend and family's friend. There's always new people to talk to. I've made a lot of friends outside work since adulthood, from various sources. Just last week, I made a new friend at a mutual friend's party, and played a duet together. We've scheduled to play another next month. Another friend of mine just made 11 new friends outside of work last month, as he joined a baseball amateur league. Just go do what you enjoy, and talk to people. If you share a common interest, and have no big clash in personality, that's probably a budding friendship.

dclowd9901 4y ago
I’m not sure you can adopt such a dismissive tone here. I mean, your whole premise is that you met a friend at a mutual friend’s dinner party. You seem to have something of an “engine” of friends available that allow a preponderance of socialization. I think many of us in our 30s don’t even have that.
- feteru 4y ago
  Except almost anything you do can be the beginning of that engine. Joining sports team, hobbyist group for anything will lead you to meet people, through whom you either meet or hear about other events. Strong network effects once you get going but you do need to have time to show up consistently and in a good spot
  - watwut 4y ago
    Many sports teams don't build all that much of friendship outside of training and competitions. They are acquitances with no other investment. The moment you get injured or sick, friendship is gone. Same goes for hobby groups.
    - recyclelater 4y ago
      This is a very cynical take and I would recommend some self reflection. I know for a fact you can make lifelong friends from shared interests. I’ve done it, I have friends who have done it. Maybe it’s harder for some but it is absolutely common.

lordnacho 4y ago

I was going to write my own comment but I saw what you wrote and it reminded me of something that happened a few weeks ago. Basically I'm the guy who keeps in touch with everyone. I have a chat group with guys I met at age 4. Everyone who went to school with me asks me "where is X now" and I'll tell them I last spoke to them not long ago. I talk to my old teachers, across the spectrum from 1st grade to high school. People from various jobs I did 20 years ago, I still know. So I'm rounding up people for a high school signal group, and even those guys who never say anything to anyone will join it because it's memes and news articles we can comment on. Kinda nice to have all your old buddies there, even with lurkers bring a thing on private groups. But this one guy, I know him pretty well, been to his house many times growing up, visited his parents, went to each others weddings, etc... Doesn't want to join. It's just too painful. He feels tormented by some of the other guys in the group. Apparently they tried this some time ago and the chat descended into bullying him like we were in school, except now we're grown up everyone thinks it doesn't hurt anymore. I really wish there was a solution, but I think it won't happen. Sometimes relationships go off the rails and never come back. I'll still go see my buddy next time I'm near him, but he's cut off everyone else.

Thlom 4y ago
You sound both like a wonderful human being and a very annoying one at the same time. But I like it. I salute you for keeping your people connected. Wish I had someone like you in my life.
- deleted 4y ago
  [deleted]
serverholic 4y ago
Did you say anything about the bullying when it happened? It sounds like you’re prioritizing quantity of friends.
- bjord 4y ago
  > Apparently they tried this some time ago... it sounds to me like OP wasn't a participant in this group (and is only after finding out about what happened), though I could be misinterpreting it

agumonkey 4y ago

> Reading about it just hurts says a lot about our nature, i empathize (even though unlike you I can blame myself a bit for failing this aspect of existence), good luck

technothrasher 4y ago

> I didn't realize that people just stop making new friends after 30 (outside work). I'm not sure where you got that impression. At 51 I'm still making new friends, mostly by seeking people out who share hobbies that I'm interested in. It gives me a base level of conversation to start out with. I recently started up a great relationship with the curator at a clock museum simply by going to his museum and talking clock with him. I go visit him at least once a month now, and he's begun to introduce me to other museum curators in the area. I also made a new set of friends recently by answering a Craigslist ad for a classic car in the area, then going to look at the car and talking to the guy for a couple hours. He invited me to a Sunday drive with a group of local classic car folks, and now I'm part of the group.

weatherlite 4y ago
In general he's right though, people are getting loneliner and make less (and less deep) friendships as they get old. As far as I know this is all pretty much common knowledge and verified in surveys and research.

GuB-42 4y ago

> (outside work) That's a pretty big exclusion. It is like excluding friends you make at school when you are a kid. Obviously, to make friends you have to meet them first and preferably spend some time with them. And during adulthood, work is usually where it happens, during childhood, it is school. I think the reason it happens less often in adulthood is that many people already have an established group of friends, but if life changes break the group people will make friends again.

fortran77 4y ago

Pre-pandemic, I liked "meetup" or other similar groups. You can make a lot of friends fast at a Haskell meetup, or at a retrocomputing users group. I suppose they're starting to come back....

legerdemain 4y ago
Can you? I've been going to a monthly language meetup for a year now. It's the only one in real life I've been able to find in SF. Basically no one comes twice, and the ones I reach out to after the monthly meeting are lukewarm about hanging out.

foobiekr 4y ago

If you're in the bay area, I am always up to have coffee with new, interesting people. I don't have a lot of time, but I actually automate this, and allocate a few hours a week just to casual meetings people. I rotate around who I get together with to make it manageable, so an hour or so doesn't disrupt my schedule at all.