6 ms·

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visiting at the hospital or attending a funeral. But I was taken aback at how important and meaningful that concrete and thoughtful help was. I'm now trying to look for ways I can offer something concrete and thoughful whenever possible.

SoftTalker 4y ago
> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one. So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.
- junon 4y ago
  To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.
- panxyh 4y ago
  You might have no idea what you are talking about, if you have never experienced any mind-altering situation like a family tragedy before.
- janeerie 4y ago
  Many people, if you ask them if they want a gift, will say no just to be polite. In this scenario, if somebody said "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful," I would deny the request because I wouldn't want to impose on them. Just going ahead and doing it for me would be amazing. The number one gift anybody could give me in a tough situation is to not force me to make one more decision. Which is to say, I guess it comes down to knowing the person.
  - willcipriano 4y ago
    I'm the sort of person who only accepts help as a last resort. I don't like being a bother, but a few times in my life people have demanded to do something for me like this and I'll always remember it.
- AlwaysRock 4y ago
  I think the missing context is that the person had mentioned to their friend about having issues with their law mower.
- idiotsecant 4y ago
  >I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to. You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will not see it as a virtue, but instead will see it as a kind of 'untrustworthiness' if that makes sense? The social contract is that you make yourself a bit vulnerable to other people as a show of trust, they make themselves a bit vulnerable back, and then you have a bond.
  - SoftTalker 4y ago
    You're probably not wrong, but it's who I am.
    - adave 4y ago
      Then you better let people know that you love lawnmowing as a way of processing stuff. They will send you food or good wishes if you are not allergic to those.
    - idiotsecant 4y ago
      I think most people would be surprised by how often 'it's who I am' really boils down to 'I am currently comfortable with this'. Changing the deep feedback loops that we call a personality is usually very difficult because so much of the human firmware runs on autopilot and resists conscious control but we are not static patterns - we can and do change constantly. Some changes are hard and some changes are easy but it's remarkable how much a small change can sometimes make a big impact in our lives.
robbyking 4y ago
One thing I learned when my son was born is eating well is really tough to do when your mind is somewhere else. Mealtrains -- friend sourced meal prep -- are popular for people with newborns, but I've taken to dropping off meals (or sending GrubHub gift cards for friends who live out of town) to friends when I know they're going through a tough time.
- aaronbrethorst 4y ago
  I've just discovered this firsthand. Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies. GrubHub is definitely good, but what's worked for us is a prepared foods service that drops off pre-cooked meals twice a week. Our friends and family gave us cash to help allay the cost of the service, but it's really not much more expensive than takeout. We're in Seattle, and use these folks: https://www.westerlykitchen.com https://www.westerlykitchen.com
  - batch12 4y ago
    > Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies Maybe someone should create a meal registry. Like meal planning and a meal train combined with the concept of a gift register. I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide, but on the other hand I have received meals I didn't eat so it'd be better for everyone. The idea is simple enough that I'd be surprised if it doesn't already exist. Edit: ha, a search for "meal train" shows this solution as the first hit, so guess there's a demand after all.
    - aaronbrethorst 4y ago
      I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide I'm only this direct about it because of the severity of my food allergy. Wish I didn't have to be so picky!
- 4y ago
ransom1538 4y ago
My friend: "I can't pay my rent." Me: "Whats your venmo". 4 minutes later.... My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back" Me: "Good i don't do loans" Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.
- themihai 4y ago
  >> When you help someone down, they never forget. That's just wishful thinking. Most of the times they "forget" or somehow think you have had enough money so that wasn't a big effort. That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.
  - tssva 4y ago
    > That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal. Not all reward is external.
  - matwood 4y ago
    Doesn't matter if they forget. Life's too short not to help others if you have the means to help.
  - wheybags 4y ago
    This is such a miserable philosophy
- GrinningFool 4y ago
  > When you help someone down, they never forget. Does that matter?
  - blagie 4y ago
    Oddly enough, decades later, I can say: yes it does. People I came through for before seem to pop up in my times of need now. And people who helped others when we were younger now have amazing support networks, which makes a huge difference.

SoftTalker 4y ago

> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one. So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.

junon 4y ago
To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.
panxyh 4y ago
You might have no idea what you are talking about, if you have never experienced any mind-altering situation like a family tragedy before.
janeerie 4y ago
Many people, if you ask them if they want a gift, will say no just to be polite. In this scenario, if somebody said "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful," I would deny the request because I wouldn't want to impose on them. Just going ahead and doing it for me would be amazing. The number one gift anybody could give me in a tough situation is to not force me to make one more decision. Which is to say, I guess it comes down to knowing the person.
- willcipriano 4y ago
  I'm the sort of person who only accepts help as a last resort. I don't like being a bother, but a few times in my life people have demanded to do something for me like this and I'll always remember it.
AlwaysRock 4y ago
I think the missing context is that the person had mentioned to their friend about having issues with their law mower.
idiotsecant 4y ago
>I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to. You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will not see it as a virtue, but instead will see it as a kind of 'untrustworthiness' if that makes sense? The social contract is that you make yourself a bit vulnerable to other people as a show of trust, they make themselves a bit vulnerable back, and then you have a bond.
- SoftTalker 4y ago
  You're probably not wrong, but it's who I am.
  - adave 4y ago
    Then you better let people know that you love lawnmowing as a way of processing stuff. They will send you food or good wishes if you are not allergic to those.
  - idiotsecant 4y ago
    I think most people would be surprised by how often 'it's who I am' really boils down to 'I am currently comfortable with this'. Changing the deep feedback loops that we call a personality is usually very difficult because so much of the human firmware runs on autopilot and resists conscious control but we are not static patterns - we can and do change constantly. Some changes are hard and some changes are easy but it's remarkable how much a small change can sometimes make a big impact in our lives.

robbyking 4y ago

One thing I learned when my son was born is eating well is really tough to do when your mind is somewhere else. Mealtrains -- friend sourced meal prep -- are popular for people with newborns, but I've taken to dropping off meals (or sending GrubHub gift cards for friends who live out of town) to friends when I know they're going through a tough time.

aaronbrethorst 4y ago
I've just discovered this firsthand. Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies. GrubHub is definitely good, but what's worked for us is a prepared foods service that drops off pre-cooked meals twice a week. Our friends and family gave us cash to help allay the cost of the service, but it's really not much more expensive than takeout. We're in Seattle, and use these folks: https://www.westerlykitchen.com https://www.westerlykitchen.com
- batch12 4y ago
  > Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies Maybe someone should create a meal registry. Like meal planning and a meal train combined with the concept of a gift register. I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide, but on the other hand I have received meals I didn't eat so it'd be better for everyone. The idea is simple enough that I'd be surprised if it doesn't already exist. Edit: ha, a search for "meal train" shows this solution as the first hit, so guess there's a demand after all.
  - aaronbrethorst 4y ago
    I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide I'm only this direct about it because of the severity of my food allergy. Wish I didn't have to be so picky!
4y ago

ransom1538 4y ago

My friend: "I can't pay my rent." Me: "Whats your venmo". 4 minutes later.... My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back" Me: "Good i don't do loans" Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

themihai 4y ago
>> When you help someone down, they never forget. That's just wishful thinking. Most of the times they "forget" or somehow think you have had enough money so that wasn't a big effort. That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.
- tssva 4y ago
  > That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal. Not all reward is external.
- matwood 4y ago
  Doesn't matter if they forget. Life's too short not to help others if you have the means to help.
- wheybags 4y ago
  This is such a miserable philosophy
GrinningFool 4y ago
> When you help someone down, they never forget. Does that matter?
- blagie 4y ago
  Oddly enough, decades later, I can say: yes it does. People I came through for before seem to pop up in my times of need now. And people who helped others when we were younger now have amazing support networks, which makes a huge difference.