6 ms·

I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, coveri

by blagie 4y ago

I'll mention one more thing which helps: Concrete offers of help. Depending on the circumstances, those can be practical (e.g. cooking and bringing food, covering part of funeral expenses/logistics) or supportive (e.g. making yourself available to talk through things or just be there for someone). A vague offer of help, many people will never make use of. "If there's anything I can do..." often doesn't quite signal "if there's _anything_" so much as a concrete offer of the time, effort, or money you're willing to put in to help out. Even if it's not quite what will help them, you've signalled you're e.g. willing to spend 8 hours and $1000. It's a lot easier to ask for something else, comparable, and know it's within reason. Otherwise, most people won't impose on you for anything major. I'd edit to: “Hey, I heard about the news. I don’t have the right words and please don’t feel obligated to reply. Just know that if I can do something, big or small, now or in the future, I'd be glad to. For example, I'd be glad to ____ or ____. If you'd like to talk, I'm a phone call away, or I'd be glad to bring dinner over tomorrow, if you'd like to chat.” Much of this has a cultural component too. Some of the above might be too much in the US and too little in more collectivist cultures.

jackbravo 4y ago
Indeed, I'm finding that a lot of people find a phone call scary or threatening, and are much more comfortable with a text message, or even an audio message. At the same time, a dinner offer should be great for someone close enough, but in remote work that is more rare to happen. Writing a recommendation on LinkedIn, to me, seems like the most actionable thing one can do in such cases.
- robbyking 4y ago
  When my son was born, my friends without kids would bring food by and want to hang out, while my friends with kids would just text us after they left food on our doorstep.
  - dctoedt 4y ago
    My MIL died unexpectedly some years ago. We all came home from the hospital that afternoon and were just sitting around. The doorbell rang; my wife saw through the window that it was one of her longtime friends. My wife answered the door; the friend handed her a casserole and said how sorry she was, then immediately left.
scionthefly 4y ago
After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visiting at the hospital or attending a funeral. But I was taken aback at how important and meaningful that concrete and thoughtful help was. I'm now trying to look for ways I can offer something concrete and thoughful whenever possible.
- SoftTalker 4y ago
  > we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one. So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.
  - junon 4y ago
    To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.
  - panxyh 4y ago
    You might have no idea what you are talking about, if you have never experienced any mind-altering situation like a family tragedy before.
  - janeerie 4y ago
    Many people, if you ask them if they want a gift, will say no just to be polite. In this scenario, if somebody said "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful," I would deny the request because I wouldn't want to impose on them. Just going ahead and doing it for me would be amazing. The number one gift anybody could give me in a tough situation is to not force me to make one more decision. Which is to say, I guess it comes down to knowing the person.
dheera 4y ago
As far as concrete offers of help go, if they're someone I trust professionally, I usually say something like "If there's anyone on my LinkedIn that you'd like an intro to please let me know and I'll try to make it happen." And for friends, I'm also open to meals, walks, hugs, co-working for a couple hours in a coffee shop, whatever they would find helpful emotionally.
extragood 4y ago
A co-worker who was laid off recently reached out to see if I had any room on my team. It broke my heart to say that we're not hiring for the foreseeable future either. I liked him a lot and thought he did good work, and otherwise I'd certainly have considered him. I told him as much. We made plans instead to meet up for coffee and catch up next week. I wish I had something more concrete to help him out. This feels only slightly better than the empty platitudes mentioned in the article.
- alocasia-1 4y ago
  Maybe something will come up in conversation! In any case having something to look forward to, even as mundane as a coffee date, is a blessing when your daily routine suddenly goes out the window. I'm sure it means more to him than you guess.
higeorge13 4y ago
I once offered the following to a fired friend right in the beginning of covid: - weekly check-in to see how their job search goes and even if they need a laptop to do their home tests (because i knew it was broken) - my reference and recommendation when they would reach the final stage of any interview ( i got a call from a hiring manager where i told them that they were basically the most talented colleague i ever had and it should be an instant hire) - i even asked a friend to create a job for them in his company -when the previous one got into hiring freeze- and hire them temporarily until they found something more suitable. I believe i did almost anything beyond human possible for them.
padraic7a 4y ago
That's a really good tip. "Let me know if there's anything I can do" isn't all that helpful without being specific.
ghostly_s 4y ago
Embarrassed to say I'd never heard it before it was featured in Andor but "an open invitation is no invitation at all" really revealed something to me about the nature of socializing.

by blagie 4y ago

jackbravo 4y ago

Indeed, I'm finding that a lot of people find a phone call scary or threatening, and are much more comfortable with a text message, or even an audio message. At the same time, a dinner offer should be great for someone close enough, but in remote work that is more rare to happen. Writing a recommendation on LinkedIn, to me, seems like the most actionable thing one can do in such cases.

robbyking 4y ago
When my son was born, my friends without kids would bring food by and want to hang out, while my friends with kids would just text us after they left food on our doorstep.
- dctoedt 4y ago
  My MIL died unexpectedly some years ago. We all came home from the hospital that afternoon and were just sitting around. The doorbell rang; my wife saw through the window that it was one of her longtime friends. My wife answered the door; the friend handed her a casserole and said how sorry she was, then immediately left.

scionthefly 4y ago

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visiting at the hospital or attending a funeral. But I was taken aback at how important and meaningful that concrete and thoughtful help was. I'm now trying to look for ways I can offer something concrete and thoughful whenever possible.

SoftTalker 4y ago
> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow off of the driveway in the winter is another one. So I would say, ask the person first. "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful" rather than just doing it.
- junon 4y ago
  To each their own. Remember that the other person might not know it's your escape. And even then, if it's for a short time, does it really matter that much? Not like it's a lifetime subscription to lawn mowing services.
- panxyh 4y ago
  You might have no idea what you are talking about, if you have never experienced any mind-altering situation like a family tragedy before.
- janeerie 4y ago
  Many people, if you ask them if they want a gift, will say no just to be polite. In this scenario, if somebody said "I'd like to take care of the lawn for you if that would be helpful," I would deny the request because I wouldn't want to impose on them. Just going ahead and doing it for me would be amazing. The number one gift anybody could give me in a tough situation is to not force me to make one more decision. Which is to say, I guess it comes down to knowing the person.

dheera 4y ago

As far as concrete offers of help go, if they're someone I trust professionally, I usually say something like "If there's anyone on my LinkedIn that you'd like an intro to please let me know and I'll try to make it happen." And for friends, I'm also open to meals, walks, hugs, co-working for a couple hours in a coffee shop, whatever they would find helpful emotionally.

extragood 4y ago

A co-worker who was laid off recently reached out to see if I had any room on my team. It broke my heart to say that we're not hiring for the foreseeable future either. I liked him a lot and thought he did good work, and otherwise I'd certainly have considered him. I told him as much. We made plans instead to meet up for coffee and catch up next week. I wish I had something more concrete to help him out. This feels only slightly better than the empty platitudes mentioned in the article.

alocasia-1 4y ago
Maybe something will come up in conversation! In any case having something to look forward to, even as mundane as a coffee date, is a blessing when your daily routine suddenly goes out the window. I'm sure it means more to him than you guess.

higeorge13 4y ago

I once offered the following to a fired friend right in the beginning of covid: - weekly check-in to see how their job search goes and even if they need a laptop to do their home tests (because i knew it was broken) - my reference and recommendation when they would reach the final stage of any interview ( i got a call from a hiring manager where i told them that they were basically the most talented colleague i ever had and it should be an instant hire) - i even asked a friend to create a job for them in his company -when the previous one got into hiring freeze- and hire them temporarily until they found something more suitable. I believe i did almost anything beyond human possible for them.

padraic7a 4y ago

That's a really good tip. "Let me know if there's anything I can do" isn't all that helpful without being specific.

ghostly_s 4y ago

Embarrassed to say I'd never heard it before it was featured in Andor but "an open invitation is no invitation at all" really revealed something to me about the nature of socializing.