8 ms·

I go with "my first impulse is to suggest..." which IMO adds the diplomatic nuance of admitting an incomplete understanding of the problem and/or the person exp

I go with "my first impulse is to suggest..." which IMO adds the diplomatic nuance of admitting an incomplete understanding of the problem and/or the person experiencing the problem. You either get a "good suggestion, I'll try that" as a response or you get "you might think it's a good idea but I already considered it and XYZ problems occurred" and you can work from there.

JJMcJ 4y ago
Similar to correcting a big shot's mistaken notion, where you might say something like "Curiously, that turns out not to be the case."
mindcrime 4y ago
I go with "my first impulse is to suggest..." which IMO adds the diplomatic nuance of admitting an incomplete understanding of the problem and/or the person experiencing the problem. Same here, with a slight variation. I usually say "my first thought is to try ..." or "the first thing that comes to mind for me is ..." Depending on the situation I might also use the old "Have you tried ..." phrasing.
- hamburglar 4y ago
  I also like “could you try…” as a way of acknowledging that it’s a suggestion that may be unworkable for reasons I don’t know, and that I’m willing to hear that.
  - thecrumb 4y ago
    "could we try"
    - woopwoop24 4y ago
      not always a we
      - fknorangesite 4y ago
        It doesn't have to be literal.
fishtoaster 4y ago
Oh, I might have to borrow that! I've sometimes used "for my own understanding, is there a reason we're not doing X?"
- incanus77 4y ago
  Similar: I like “maybe a dumb question, but tell me about X”. I am never shy about being possibly redundant or asking “dumb” questions.
  - enneff 4y ago
    I try not to frame things as “dumb questions” because I find that junior devs can feel a lot of their questions are “dumb” but really they’re often very good questions and (even if you lead by example) they can be hesitant to ask them. I think it’s generally a good assumption that if someone has a question in mind then it’s worth exploring, so there are no dumb questions.
    - incanus77 4y ago
      Fair point. I think as a senior dev (and someone in their mid-40s with a longish career) I want to make a point that I still ask the type of question. But a good thing to be sensitive to.
      - enneff 4y ago
        Yeah absolutely and some of the most senior engineers I have worked with often made a point of asking seemingly obvious questions, to great effect. I think it’s a wonderful thing to demonstrate and I do the same.
- hamburglar 4y ago
  This one grates on me as insincere-sounding, to be honest. It can sound a bit like a sarcastic way to state the obvious. “Oh, you’re cold? For my understanding — and I may be way off base here — but is there a reason you haven’t closed the fucking window?” (Obvious extreme example of intentional sarcasm)
dr_dshiv 4y ago
“Naively, I’d be thinking about trying…”
matwood 4y ago
Same. "My first thought is...but I'm sure I don't understand all the nuances." Branching way off topic, and paraphrasing Sun Tsu here, but he says to always give your opponent an out unless you plan to completely destroy them. Very rarely in business do you want to or need to destroy someone so I try to soften my suggestions. The other mantra I repeat almost daily is 'do I want to be right or effective'. It feels great to tell someone an idea you know is 100% right, but does that mean they'll use it? At the end of the day I want to be effective. "Just" feels more like being right, than effective. Speaking of phrases, early in my career the senior VP of my business unit was a nice, very sharp woman. One of the best executives I've ever met. Listening to her on calls was a master class on EQ and how to deal with people professionally. But, anytime she said 'help me understand...' you knew the hammer was coming.
- unsupp0rted 4y ago
  I wish there were an actual masterclass on how to deal with people professionally. A lot of ones I've seen is hand-wavey "be more empathetic" or "there are multiple intelligences" kind of advice. I'd like to be able to listen in on conversations with challenging DO's and DON'Ts. e.g. "Why do you think Rajesh reacted this way? What might James have said to elicit a more positive reaction, all other things being the same?" Not so much intercultural communication as "here's how to give someone an out".
TaylorAlexander 4y ago
Everyone here is looking for ways to make unsolicited suggestions in a diplomatic way. Even with extra language this can be irritating to reply to. I’ve learned to first ask if there is anything I can do to help, rather than immediately making suggestions. Often times people are doing just fine working through a problem, and may want to communicate the status without receiving advice on how to solve it. For interpersonal situations, people often just want to be heard without any advice being given. A simple “I hear what you’re going through and I’m here if you need anything” is way better than finding ways to immediately offer advice, but I believe this applies to professional situations as well.
- LeroyRaz 4y ago
  I appreciate unsolicited feedback. I don't know why people are so anti it...
  - dinvlad 4y ago
    For a lot of folks, they either just want to be heard/understood, or they may not even recognize if there’s a problem (i.e. they have anosognosia). Imagine someone forcing their opinion when a person is at their most vulnerable, it’s most often perceived as just patronizing/dismissing their concerns, or as an outright attack. Active listening and developing trust first is key.
- bstpierre 4y ago
  If you’ve been asked to help troubleshoot or fix a broken system then it’s not really unsolicited. Often if I’m the person who is stuck I’m totally willing to let a new set of eyes offer all of the “obvious” things that have already tried, because while it’s usually just a rehash, there are occasionally “but what about” cases that haven’t been checked yet. And if we don’t find anything new, at least the helper is now up to speed on what’s already been covered.
  - TaylorAlexander 4y ago
    Certainly if you have been asked for help then offering advice is fine. But often people will jump straight to offering advice without even establishing that the person wants help, and I wanted to call attention to that behavior.

JJMcJ 4y ago

Similar to correcting a big shot's mistaken notion, where you might say something like "Curiously, that turns out not to be the case."

mindcrime 4y ago

I go with "my first impulse is to suggest..." which IMO adds the diplomatic nuance of admitting an incomplete understanding of the problem and/or the person experiencing the problem. Same here, with a slight variation. I usually say "my first thought is to try ..." or "the first thing that comes to mind for me is ..." Depending on the situation I might also use the old "Have you tried ..." phrasing.

hamburglar 4y ago
I also like “could you try…” as a way of acknowledging that it’s a suggestion that may be unworkable for reasons I don’t know, and that I’m willing to hear that.
- thecrumb 4y ago
  "could we try"
  - woopwoop24 4y ago
    not always a we
    - fknorangesite 4y ago
      It doesn't have to be literal.

fishtoaster 4y ago

Oh, I might have to borrow that! I've sometimes used "for my own understanding, is there a reason we're not doing X?"

incanus77 4y ago
Similar: I like “maybe a dumb question, but tell me about X”. I am never shy about being possibly redundant or asking “dumb” questions.
- enneff 4y ago
  I try not to frame things as “dumb questions” because I find that junior devs can feel a lot of their questions are “dumb” but really they’re often very good questions and (even if you lead by example) they can be hesitant to ask them. I think it’s generally a good assumption that if someone has a question in mind then it’s worth exploring, so there are no dumb questions.
  - incanus77 4y ago
    Fair point. I think as a senior dev (and someone in their mid-40s with a longish career) I want to make a point that I still ask the type of question. But a good thing to be sensitive to.
    - enneff 4y ago
      Yeah absolutely and some of the most senior engineers I have worked with often made a point of asking seemingly obvious questions, to great effect. I think it’s a wonderful thing to demonstrate and I do the same.
hamburglar 4y ago
This one grates on me as insincere-sounding, to be honest. It can sound a bit like a sarcastic way to state the obvious. “Oh, you’re cold? For my understanding — and I may be way off base here — but is there a reason you haven’t closed the fucking window?” (Obvious extreme example of intentional sarcasm)

dr_dshiv 4y ago

“Naively, I’d be thinking about trying…”

matwood 4y ago

Same. "My first thought is...but I'm sure I don't understand all the nuances." Branching way off topic, and paraphrasing Sun Tsu here, but he says to always give your opponent an out unless you plan to completely destroy them. Very rarely in business do you want to or need to destroy someone so I try to soften my suggestions. The other mantra I repeat almost daily is 'do I want to be right or effective'. It feels great to tell someone an idea you know is 100% right, but does that mean they'll use it? At the end of the day I want to be effective. "Just" feels more like being right, than effective. Speaking of phrases, early in my career the senior VP of my business unit was a nice, very sharp woman. One of the best executives I've ever met. Listening to her on calls was a master class on EQ and how to deal with people professionally. But, anytime she said 'help me understand...' you knew the hammer was coming.

unsupp0rted 4y ago
I wish there were an actual masterclass on how to deal with people professionally. A lot of ones I've seen is hand-wavey "be more empathetic" or "there are multiple intelligences" kind of advice. I'd like to be able to listen in on conversations with challenging DO's and DON'Ts. e.g. "Why do you think Rajesh reacted this way? What might James have said to elicit a more positive reaction, all other things being the same?" Not so much intercultural communication as "here's how to give someone an out".

TaylorAlexander 4y ago

Everyone here is looking for ways to make unsolicited suggestions in a diplomatic way. Even with extra language this can be irritating to reply to. I’ve learned to first ask if there is anything I can do to help, rather than immediately making suggestions. Often times people are doing just fine working through a problem, and may want to communicate the status without receiving advice on how to solve it. For interpersonal situations, people often just want to be heard without any advice being given. A simple “I hear what you’re going through and I’m here if you need anything” is way better than finding ways to immediately offer advice, but I believe this applies to professional situations as well.

LeroyRaz 4y ago
I appreciate unsolicited feedback. I don't know why people are so anti it...
- dinvlad 4y ago
  For a lot of folks, they either just want to be heard/understood, or they may not even recognize if there’s a problem (i.e. they have anosognosia). Imagine someone forcing their opinion when a person is at their most vulnerable, it’s most often perceived as just patronizing/dismissing their concerns, or as an outright attack. Active listening and developing trust first is key.
bstpierre 4y ago
If you’ve been asked to help troubleshoot or fix a broken system then it’s not really unsolicited. Often if I’m the person who is stuck I’m totally willing to let a new set of eyes offer all of the “obvious” things that have already tried, because while it’s usually just a rehash, there are occasionally “but what about” cases that haven’t been checked yet. And if we don’t find anything new, at least the helper is now up to speed on what’s already been covered.
- TaylorAlexander 4y ago
  Certainly if you have been asked for help then offering advice is fine. But often people will jump straight to offering advice without even establishing that the person wants help, and I wanted to call attention to that behavior.