6 ms·

I find this to be the absolute hardest part of living with someone. You’re at the mercy of their ability to interrupt you and I find it incredibly demoralizing.

deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
pjmorris 4y ago
After a number of frustrating episodes for my wife and I, we came up with a plan. At my home office desk, I've got a 5x7 index card with a big red dot on one side and a big green dot on the other, which I use to communicate whether I'm interruptible. When green is showing, she's free to chime in about any random thing. When red is showing, it needs to be some kind of emergency. This has help us maintain domestic peace. The shape and color of the dots borrowed from Brazilian steak houses where they have markers used to indicate whether the people serving various cuts of meat should stop by your table.
- manmal 4y ago
  Reminds me of the „On air“ signs radio stations have on the wall to ask for silence.
- afarrell 4y ago
  It is worth having a system like this. It is also worth having a shared understanding of what constitutes an emergency.
- hmsimha 4y ago
  I made a home dashboard to display on the TV, which integrated with Toggl (time tracker extension) when my partner and I were living together: https://github.com/HartS/toggl-home-dashboard https://github.com/HartS/toggl-home-dashboard Surprisingly, a feature to just "display a light when you're working" isn't super common. Since it was just a keyboard shortcut to start the timer (I was also contracting at the time), this ensured my partner could see I was working easily without having to ask me :) (apologies for poor code quality, this was hacked together extremely quickly... behind on tasks and needed a productivity boost, etc.)
yarky 4y ago
Seems like a communication issue though, just explain to them how important it is for you to focus uninterrupted and hopefully they'll respect you.
- copperx 4y ago
  Well, Feynman tried that and failed. "Reportedly, Feynman’s ex alleged that he didn’t just ignore her when he felt she interrupted him—he “flew into a violent rage,” and “choked her, threw pieces of bric-a-brac about and smashed the furniture."
- jjtheblunt 4y ago
  Generally, they won't respect you, sometimes feeling entitled to attention and other times forgetting you hoped for quiet coherence.
- rmckayfleming 4y ago
  In general I agree, but if your partner isn’t used to that type of work they don’t really get it. Nor do they understand how a simple question can ruin an entire train of thought. edit: In explaining this to my girlfriend, I showed her this comic: https://heeris.id.au/2013/this-is-why-you-shouldnt-interrupt-a-programmer/ https://heeris.id.au/2013/this-is-why-you-shouldnt-interrupt... Didn’t make any sense to her. And even after talking about this she doesn’t get that “just coming in for a kiss” is the same thing. Like I don’t want to come across as an asshole, but that’s what it looks like from the outside.
  - djmips 4y ago
    What if you tried to explain it like it's similar to air traffic control. You wouldn't interrupt an air traffic controller would you?
  - makeitdouble 4y ago
    This isn’t a place for relationship advice, but there must be dozens of things she won’t understand, and same from the other side: you can’t deeply understand everything that matters to her, you’d need to basically relive her life in her shoes. There’s a point where you dont’ get it, but just follow what the other side is requesting, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense to you.
jjtheblunt 4y ago
I find myself thinking just what you wrote every day of my married existence: it's unnatural to be in a state of pending interruption at all times.
- the-printer 4y ago
  A significant portion of life, irrespective of marital status, is predicated by a state of pending interruption. Death being the most obvious.
- kweingar 4y ago
  > it's unnatural to be in a state of pending interruption at all times. I'd think the opposite is true. Interruption is natural, and prolonged sedentary focus is a human invention.
  - pengaru 4y ago
    > I'd think the opposite is true. Interruption is natural, and prolonged sedentary focus is a human invention. Have you never spent an entire day in the wilderness? IME it's usually devoid of interruption, unless it's a popular spot where other people show up.
    - nawgz 4y ago
      The modern wilderness where almost all animals have died, with an outstanding bias to large animals and predators? Not sure it is representative of pre-Industrial age wilderness if I'm honest
- eggsmediumrare 4y ago
  It's very natural to the point of being the default of human experience. Being able to expect to not be interrupted is unnatural.
- rmckayfleming 4y ago
  I’d agree with others that solitude isn’t natural, but if you care about your work it’s kind of necessary. I find myself wishing I hadn’t moved in with my partner for this reason. But it’s hard to disengage from that choice once it’s been made.
sollewitt 4y ago
Don't have kids.
- rmckayfleming 4y ago
  The benefit of being male is that I thankfully can defer this choice indefinitely, but man, what a trade off (especially as I’d like to have kids for my mom’s sake, and she’s not getting any younger).
  - robotresearcher 4y ago
    Don’t have kids for anyone’s sake than your own. In the hard times you are better off if there’s no one else to blame.
  - dragonwriter 4y ago
    > The benefit of being male is that I thankfully can defer this choice indefinitely Men don't have a sharp fertility cliff, but paternal age isn’t irrelevant to reproduction, either.
    - makapuf 4y ago
      Taking care of the kids and sharing moments with them won't be easier when you grow older though, on the contrary. Fortunately that part is only 30 years long.
    - rmckayfleming 4y ago
      Agreed. As I mentioned there’s the additional side of having kids soon enough such that my mother is young enough to enjoy them as well.
  - 1letterunixname 4y ago
    Bank swimmers before 40. Get snipped. Your bank account and future offspring (should you choose) will thank you. Sperm quality declines with age and resulting offspring wouldn't necessarily be as healthy. Reminds me, I'm stepping away from the computer and going out. It's ACL.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

pjmorris 4y ago

After a number of frustrating episodes for my wife and I, we came up with a plan. At my home office desk, I've got a 5x7 index card with a big red dot on one side and a big green dot on the other, which I use to communicate whether I'm interruptible. When green is showing, she's free to chime in about any random thing. When red is showing, it needs to be some kind of emergency. This has help us maintain domestic peace. The shape and color of the dots borrowed from Brazilian steak houses where they have markers used to indicate whether the people serving various cuts of meat should stop by your table.

manmal 4y ago
Reminds me of the „On air“ signs radio stations have on the wall to ask for silence.
afarrell 4y ago
It is worth having a system like this. It is also worth having a shared understanding of what constitutes an emergency.
hmsimha 4y ago
I made a home dashboard to display on the TV, which integrated with Toggl (time tracker extension) when my partner and I were living together: https://github.com/HartS/toggl-home-dashboard https://github.com/HartS/toggl-home-dashboard Surprisingly, a feature to just "display a light when you're working" isn't super common. Since it was just a keyboard shortcut to start the timer (I was also contracting at the time), this ensured my partner could see I was working easily without having to ask me :) (apologies for poor code quality, this was hacked together extremely quickly... behind on tasks and needed a productivity boost, etc.)

yarky 4y ago

Seems like a communication issue though, just explain to them how important it is for you to focus uninterrupted and hopefully they'll respect you.

copperx 4y ago
Well, Feynman tried that and failed. "Reportedly, Feynman’s ex alleged that he didn’t just ignore her when he felt she interrupted him—he “flew into a violent rage,” and “choked her, threw pieces of bric-a-brac about and smashed the furniture."
jjtheblunt 4y ago
Generally, they won't respect you, sometimes feeling entitled to attention and other times forgetting you hoped for quiet coherence.
rmckayfleming 4y ago
In general I agree, but if your partner isn’t used to that type of work they don’t really get it. Nor do they understand how a simple question can ruin an entire train of thought. edit: In explaining this to my girlfriend, I showed her this comic: https://heeris.id.au/2013/this-is-why-you-shouldnt-interrupt-a-programmer/ https://heeris.id.au/2013/this-is-why-you-shouldnt-interrupt... Didn’t make any sense to her. And even after talking about this she doesn’t get that “just coming in for a kiss” is the same thing. Like I don’t want to come across as an asshole, but that’s what it looks like from the outside.
- djmips 4y ago
  What if you tried to explain it like it's similar to air traffic control. You wouldn't interrupt an air traffic controller would you?
- makeitdouble 4y ago
  This isn’t a place for relationship advice, but there must be dozens of things she won’t understand, and same from the other side: you can’t deeply understand everything that matters to her, you’d need to basically relive her life in her shoes. There’s a point where you dont’ get it, but just follow what the other side is requesting, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense to you.

jjtheblunt 4y ago

I find myself thinking just what you wrote every day of my married existence: it's unnatural to be in a state of pending interruption at all times.

the-printer 4y ago
A significant portion of life, irrespective of marital status, is predicated by a state of pending interruption. Death being the most obvious.
kweingar 4y ago
> it's unnatural to be in a state of pending interruption at all times. I'd think the opposite is true. Interruption is natural, and prolonged sedentary focus is a human invention.
- pengaru 4y ago
  > I'd think the opposite is true. Interruption is natural, and prolonged sedentary focus is a human invention. Have you never spent an entire day in the wilderness? IME it's usually devoid of interruption, unless it's a popular spot where other people show up.
  - nawgz 4y ago
    The modern wilderness where almost all animals have died, with an outstanding bias to large animals and predators? Not sure it is representative of pre-Industrial age wilderness if I'm honest
eggsmediumrare 4y ago
It's very natural to the point of being the default of human experience. Being able to expect to not be interrupted is unnatural.
rmckayfleming 4y ago
I’d agree with others that solitude isn’t natural, but if you care about your work it’s kind of necessary. I find myself wishing I hadn’t moved in with my partner for this reason. But it’s hard to disengage from that choice once it’s been made.

sollewitt 4y ago

Don't have kids.

rmckayfleming 4y ago
The benefit of being male is that I thankfully can defer this choice indefinitely, but man, what a trade off (especially as I’d like to have kids for my mom’s sake, and she’s not getting any younger).
- robotresearcher 4y ago
  Don’t have kids for anyone’s sake than your own. In the hard times you are better off if there’s no one else to blame.
- dragonwriter 4y ago
  > The benefit of being male is that I thankfully can defer this choice indefinitely Men don't have a sharp fertility cliff, but paternal age isn’t irrelevant to reproduction, either.
  - makapuf 4y ago
    Taking care of the kids and sharing moments with them won't be easier when you grow older though, on the contrary. Fortunately that part is only 30 years long.
  - rmckayfleming 4y ago
    Agreed. As I mentioned there’s the additional side of having kids soon enough such that my mother is young enough to enjoy them as well.
- 1letterunixname 4y ago
  Bank swimmers before 40. Get snipped. Your bank account and future offspring (should you choose) will thank you. Sperm quality declines with age and resulting offspring wouldn't necessarily be as healthy. Reminds me, I'm stepping away from the computer and going out. It's ACL.