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What will you do with the stories entrusted to you?
- bobsmooth 4y agoThis is really apparent if you've ever worked in retail, specifically small stores with few customers at a time. One of the parts I loved about working at vape shop was talking to people.
- c0ax9 4y agoSuch an important topic. Thanks for reminding me.
- As_You_Wish 4y agomeh. We all are born, eat, sleep, shit, fuck, then we die. Everything else is just variations on that theme. You like Italian food, and this person likes Amish food, well whoop-de-doop. People make a bigger deal out of Italian food or Amish food or Istanbullian food because what else are ya gonna do? I'm not saying it is good or bad, but I think I pretty much know almost everyone's story. You're born, you do stuff, then you die. And some will go to heaven, most to hell even though they think they'll go to heaven, and we atheists are just going to die. . If you like Bill: All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages. At first, the infant, Mewling and puking in the nurse’s arms. Then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel And shining morning face, creeping like snail Unwillingly to school. And then the lover, Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad Made to his mistress’ eyebrow. Then a soldier, Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard, Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel, Seeking the bubble reputation Even in the cannon’s mouth. And then the justice, In fair round belly with good capon lined, With eyes severe and beard of formal cut, Full of wise saws and modern instances; And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts Into the lean and slippered pantaloon, With spectacles on nose and pouch on side; His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice, Turning again toward childish treble, pipes And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, Is second childishness and mere oblivion, Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything. . Or if you like your Ecclesiastes: 8 All things are wearisome, more than one can describe; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear content with hearing. 9 What has been will be again, and what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. 10 Is there a case where one can say, “Look, this is new”? It has already existed in the ages before us. 11 There is no remembrance of those who came before, and those yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow after.
- lelandfe 4y agoThank you for this.
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- mlambie 4y ago
- gouda-gouda 4y agoThe most important shift I’ve made in my life was when I started approaching conversations with the attitude that the other person could teach me something, no matter who it is. Sometimes it takes some digging, but I’ve found it to be true.
- callmejorge 4y agoThere's a proverb that says, for every 3 people walking there's someone who can be your teacher.
- lostlogin 4y agoThe concentration can vary though. There are places I’ve been where everyone could teach me a lot, and then there are the other places.
- edmundsauto 4y agoOften, I find those other places teach me a lot, but not intentionally. Seeing someone's mistakes is easier for me to learn from than explicit messages. Less survival bias, too. I didn't feel this way when I was younger. YMMV.
- imron 4y agoThis proverb is an actual ‘Confucius said’
- apocadam 4y agoOut of interest, what and when inspired this change?
- NovaVeles 4y agoI think I have heard Ram Dass say that a few times before. ;)
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- samtimalsina 4y agoI’m a little drunk and I have not even read the article but I was discussing this very thing with my friends. We have so many stories and we are each going through so much struggle individually. Why can’t we be kind and considerate of each other?
- routerl 4y agoFrom Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's Good Omens: > Crowley, a demon: [during Jesus's crucifixion] What has he said that made everyone so upset? > Aziraphale, an angel: Be kind to each other. > Crowley: Oh yeah. That'll do it.
- fibonacc 4y ago> Why can’t we be kind and considerate of each other? inflation and social media. before we had just inflation. now we have social media that magnifies it.
- sometimeshuman 4y agoAnd the recent heatwave? The last argument with my brother was so over the top it did permanent damage to our relationship. Upon reflection I do wonder how much heat had to do with it.
- fibonacc 4y agoheatwave is also caused by global warming caused by co2 levels as energy use rises with inflation. inflation then widens wealth parity gap and social media reminds individuals to take risks they cannot afford and so on.... inflation causes stock prices to rise and factory outputs, exports to rise leading to more energy consumption. edit: i think i know why your brother is mad at you
- gjs278 4y ago
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- rwhyan 4y agoThis seems trite. What's more fundamental to our lives than the utter uniqueness of each individual experience? Merely examining ones own life would reveal the infinite complexity within our conscious experience.
- cercatrova 4y agoSonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. This word was popularized by the site Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, and I believe it, as the opposite, hearkens back to solipsism, the philosophical idea of you being the only one to exist. It is interesting to see this word "sonder" not referenced at all in the article, I would have imagined it a meme within the Internet at this point. [0] https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/sonder https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/23536922667/...
- routerl 4y agoI've always thought of this as another perspective on Shakespeare's "There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." To believe otherwise is to have lost the wonder of discovery.
- atoav 4y agoThis is the great thing of having a nerdy side: You know that literally everything will get interesting if you just dive into it deep enough. Sometimes I feel sad for people who cannot experience that joy.
- dorkwood 4y ago> Sometimes I feel sad for people who cannot experience that joy. I feel the same, but then I think to myself: maybe those people are experiencing some quality of existence that I'm not, and thinking to themselves "this is the life".
- NovaVeles 4y agoAlternatively - "The nicest thing about anything is not knowing what it is." - George Carlin. Not knowing how a cloud works is magical for instance. But taking this line of thinking too far can be disastrous. There is a happy middle ground.
- sometimeshuman 4y agoA hallmark of immaturity is a person who makes assumptions about how easy someone else's life must be just because they are well off financially, have a bubbly persona, or live in a state of peace and gratitude. To be human is to suffer and at the very least to watch people you love suffer and sometimes die. I wish people would remember this, but more often they attempt to quantify the pain and create portraiture of a person they know nothing about, compare it to their own and then assume they can be bitter, resentful, or dismissive towards them.
- paulpauper 4y agoBut suffering and wealth are mutually exclusive events. plenty of non-rich people also suffer. This would only apply if you knew the rich person was suffering. Without this info, it's reasonable to assume that their life is actually better.
- _8j50 4y agoI have a similar philosophy (if I dare call it that): every person is living in their own world, shared by no one else. What I mean is, reality is an interpretation of what we observe. Not only does everyone observe a unique combination of events from mostly unique perspectives, the unique events and experiences before an event change how current events are interpreted. Two people can look at the same thing and see two different things, but build upon that and consider that no two people, from their own perspectice, live in the same world. You can find other people that share many of your perspectives but never all. No one will live in your world after you and no one has lived in it before you and no one will ever know it. Thinking this way has helped me understand a lot of things. When I was younger, I couldn't understand how some people do this and that but then as life and time changed me so that I do or say those same things, I am seeing how those people didn't just make different decisions, they were really living in a different world.
- abstractbill 4y agoWhen someone dares to step forward and speak up, listen. Just be. It's one of the most powerful things you can do. Hijacking conversation doesn't create connection, it breaks it. I might be in a minority here but I feel a huge sense of relief when someone shares an anecdote that tells me they understand what I'm going through, because they've been through similar things themself. (I'm probably oversharing, but one of my daughters has some rather severe developmental difficulties and has threatened to kill me, my wife, and our other daughter more times than I can remember. It is oddly comforting to hear other peoples' stories and know I'm not alone).
- SleepilyLimping 4y agoIt depends if they're using it to empathize, or if they're using it to call attention to themselves. It requires a self-awareness to know that the moment is "not about them".
- larve 4y agoSame here. If the person doesn't derail the conversation, but provides context to how they interpret what I might be saying, that's comforting and shared empathy.
- alluro2 4y agoI feel the same, it's not that clear-cut. I think it can serve to convey understanding, familiarity, and also safe space to share that particular thing without judgment (i.e. like saying "don't worry what I will think, I've been there"). That's why I also have the need to do it when listening to others and caring to make them more comfortable and trusting to share. Of course, the difference is usually whether it is done more as a side-note while keeping focus on the first person, once or twice in that conversation - vs getting excited and shifting focus to own experience, continuing to expand and branch the retelling, or remembering 5 additional occasions when that happened... I think it can generally be clear whether you care and are participating in the conversation by doing it, or being self-absorbed and not really wanting to hear and emphatize... Also, that sounds like a quite difficult situation, and glad to hear that you had opportunity (at least at those occasions) to share and feel un-alone in it. I hope it gets better.
- jmathai 4y ago> Our compassion can fatigue when we consume a high volume of trauma narratives through the media I have never thought about this or know if I believe it to be fully true. But it's a fascinating perspective that, if nothing else, has some level of truth to it. Definitely something I'll ponder as I think about important, real life relationships.
- ekianjo 4y agoTitle is completely different from the actual post. This is against the guidelines.
- leach 4y agoHmmm I like the message but I partly disagree with some of what they are saying in regards to narrative tap out. I’ve found some things no one can truly understand some things that people go through unless they went through it themselves. I’ve encountered it both ways, and theres just some things that people seem to only be able to understand on their own through experiences. Opening up to other people is exhausting, they frequently either don’t know what to do or they try and act sympathetic or empathetic but eventually usually aren’t. I think often about Frodo in lord of the rings. The burden he had to carry alone and how it changed him. I think many people have that one ring they carry around. You have to look at it from a Birds Eye view, the way our lives all run and are interconnected. It’s said that either someone you know directly is going through something rough or that person knows someone who’s got it rough. Thinking of that helps me be nicer and more patient with people. But i think it’s foolish to expect them to be. I’ve been burned many times putting faith in people I shouldn’t. The only people who usually truly get you understand you because they went through it themselves. Of course this is just my experience, but I’ve found it keeps on ringing true as i get older and older.
- dasil003 4y agoI’ve felt this way before. But is it the same as your feeling? Probably not exactly, but I bet we could connect on it at some level. Ultimately I’ve learned that it doesn’t serve me well either way to be too guarded or to expect a lot from others. I strive to be open and vulnerable with people despite past disappointments. It doesn’t always work out, but sometimes something beautiful happens that I could not have anticipated.
- pryelluw 4y agoI appreciate the use of Frodo as an example.
- eyeball 4y agoReminds me of David foster Wallace this is water talk. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI
- scaramanga 4y agoUntil you meet enough people and talk to them on a deep enough level and then you realise that those stories are all remarkably similar and that we're all really experiencing the same world together.
- jes 4y agoFor much of my life, I was a jerk. I was insecure and often became offended and unkind when things didn't unfold the way I thought they should. It really screwed up my relationships and in my mid-50s, I found myself pretty much angry and alone in the world. I was constantly stuck in a story no one else really knew much about. What I came to understand was that I had picked up certain ideas about myself over the course of my life. "I am this" and "I am that." They weren't really true, and so I was always kind of at odds with the world. Over a period of years, I started to understand the situation better. I was fortunate to be able to hire a good therapist, and I worked with him for four years. I started reading about Buddhism, Advaita-Vedanta and other non-dual philosophies. I began to meditate and attend a local Buddhist temple. I also listened to a lot of Alan Watts, Rupert Spira, Francis Lucille and other spiritual teachers. I also read and watched a lot of the work of Sam Harris, Robert Sapolsky, Gabor Maté and others. Eventually I came to realize that my false, egoic self was just an illusion, and that I no longer needed to take anything personally. I also developed a greater sense of compassion for other people, and started to notice how they were caught in the same trap that had held me for so many decades. At this time, I don't really take things personally anymore. I'm generally at ease in the world. If this kind of stuff interests you, you might enjoy the following video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX1IFUDNtto https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX1IFUDNtto edits: Fixed up typos and missing words a bit.
- elevaet 4y agoIt's not easy to make a fundamental change to your outlook like that, well done. I think most of us have at least a bit of what you're describing of yourself pre-mid-50s, and could use a little more untangling of these fixed narratives about ourselves. I'm a big fan of Alan Watts', his talks are absolute gold.
- jes 4y agoFully agree, and thank you. Regarding Alan Watts, maybe check out the chillstep recordings of his different talks on YouTube, if you have not already done so. They are excellent!
- mistermann 4y ago
- ngcc_hk 4y agoThis is this human in this setting living. That is a story by itself. So call live in the moment. Not all of course. We do not just live for this moment, … at least not all of us believe in … Just cannot say “nothing about”. Possibly “not all about”. Tb;dr Too bad a title do not read la.
- carabiner 4y agoI'm not living a story. My life is really boring.
- theknocker 4y ago
- fortran77 4y ago> It's possible to grow numb when inundated by stories of hardship and pain. Sometimes the problem is skepticism. There are people that tell stories who I'm relatively sure are fabulists. It's a lot of work to act engaged with a story that doesn't ring true.
- deltasevennine 4y agoI don't agree with this article. I do agree that everyone is living a story that you know nothing about. But I think everyone on some level is aware of this lack of knowledge about other peoples' lives. In fact I feel it's rather obvious that even the most random person on the street lives a very complex life. A call for compassion because people are "unaware" of the complex lives other people live is a feel good narrative that isn't true. Everyone is fully "aware." The true horror of human nature is this: We are all aware of the hardships and the stories everyone else goes through. But our compassion has limits. At its most fundamental level, nobody cares about you and you don't really care about others.
- vasco 4y agoIt still works. Same way the bad guy in the movie gets told "I have a wife and kids" and sometimes spares the bank guard. It is very different what we know when we sit on the couch and muse about it, from what we know when we are directly engaged in a particular set of actions. It helps when you're in the second to be reminded.
- deltasevennine 4y agoSpared because he slightly cares. Slightly, or else why did he instigate the hostage situation in the first place? On a gradient you can say he cares about 0.001%. 0.001% rounds to 0 which is inline with what I said. On a fundamental level, we don't care. >It is very different what we know when we sit on the couch and muse about it, from what we know when we are directly engaged in a particular set of actions. You're musing too. And you mused the opposite of what I mused. I would say, my analysis goes beyond simple musing. It's evidence based. Observe the actions and inaction of the world and yourself. How much of your wealth have you donated to people in need? You have enough wealth to save dying people. There are definitely people in the US who need money to pay for chemo or some other treatment for some terminal disease. How much effort did you spend to find these people and donate a fraction of your wealth to save a life? None. People have already died because of your inaction. Entire complex stories have been already been lost... And does this inaction keep you awake at night? No. Because you don't care. And neither does anyone else. This is evidence that what I am saying is more inline with truth then simple musing.
- snapplebobapple 4y agoAnyone else picturing google, facebook, etc. employees reading this headline, loling and muttering under their breath "That's what you think Joy. How's your [insert issue shared privately on their platform here] doing?"
- eric4smith 4y agoThis is true. But you should probably maybe ignore most of it. Because there is more shared between us than we want to admit. I was talking to some guy here in Bangkok recently last night. He's Jewish and I'm Jamaican. It turns out our lives were remarkably similar. Right down to me working in the same city he lived in 30 years ago. We were making jokes about both of our Jewish friends because we experienced the same things with them. We experienced a lot of the same things too. It was very interesting having that more than hour long conversation. He experienced a lot of negative things in his life. I experienced many of the same negative things in my life. We spoke about a guy on my team here from a totally different very poor South East Asian country who experienced similar things in his life too. So yes, maybe the order of things, or the severity of things that happen in each of our lives are different, but most of the encounters and experiences are similar to what other people see. We are not that special. We are not that unique. We eat the same things, watch the same shows, want the same things for our children. The difference between now and before, is that we could put people in fewer buckets, now there are a few more buckets we can put people in. And really, if you stop to thing, not that many more buckets, since human nature sort of remains consistent regardless of the times. And the sooner we understand that a white nationalist has many similar experiences to a black nationalist, the sooner we will realize, that hey, "that guy is very much like me".
- throwaway84535 4y agoI'd be curious to know how many other people had no sex from their mid 30s to their late 50s (20+ years). Maybe there are many more out there that aren't saying anything but it's certainly not a common narrative. My fiction is if I walked down the street and asked i'd be hard pressed to find someone in a similar situation.
- braindead_in 4y agoThe important question is how much of the story is true. We only remember a version of events that occurred and some other witness will have a slightly different version. Ultimately, the story which we make up is entirely our own and it might be far away from the reality.
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- satisfice 4y agoThe Narrative Takeover section is lazy thinking and lazy writing. Nearly every sentence is a claim made in thin air, devoid of practical guidance. So much advice about communication is couched in the language of victimhood vs unspecified aggressions. That’s fine for memes on LinkedIn, maybe. We should expect more from someone who studies psychology for a living. No one should say “It’s not about me.” It’s always, for you, about you, first. You judge yourself, position yourself, posture yourself, plan your next move, on and on relentlessly. You must do this. Even the author of this piece wrote it for her own needs, first, and expressed a philosophy that makes her feel better. Conversation is an exchange. When someone points a finger at a supposed “takeover,” that in and of itself, is attempt at a takeover. EVERY utterance can be interpreted as a takeover if you choose to see it that way. Or instead of takeover you can see it differently: as energy flow. Sometimes I talk to a friend who needs me to hear him. He indicates this by talking without stopping. He hasn’t “taken over,” though. He has signaled his need and I can choose to accept it or make a counter proposal of my own need. A better way to have written about this would be for the author to stop blaming people for wanting to share anecdotes and connect in that way (which IS a kind of empathizing, regardless of what she claims). Instead, simply say “if you don’t make room to hear quiet narratives from ambivalent or timid people, then you may never hear them. If you care about these people, consider how your behavior might be disabling them.” In other words, it is all about me, and I am playing a First-Person Talker game as I live my life. So if I want be safe and happy I better do things that encourage the people my happiness depends upon to open up to me. That is my choice, and it is a pragmatic choice, not a moral one. No moral order requires me to self-censor my voice, because if that were true then we would have to say that anyone who ever spoke up in a conversation was committing a sin, since anyone who breaks the silence has blocked others from talking. I went on a date with a woman in 1991. I talked constantly. She seemed reluctant to say anything. We were married a few weeks later. I am still married to her 31 years later. After we were married she helped me learn how to make quiet space for her to share her thoughts with me. I do this because I choose for her to be happy; because it’s all about my own safety and happiness, which comes through her.
- b3morales 4y agoThat section is not wrong, it's just being implicit about the second-order choice that you allude to in your last sentence. You certainly don't have to do anything that the article suggests, unless your conversational partner, and your goals for the relationship require it.
- aintmeit 4y agoThe person who stabs me in the back for $100 is the same person who stabs you in the back for $1.