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Thanks for reading. I agree, this article is about the times when things escalated, and I didn’t think I was wrong, or more precisely, didn’t even get to the po

• rendall 4y ago
  I have a girlfriend who believes herself to be on the autism spectrum, and I cannot over years ever recall her admitting that she was wrong or apologizing at any time for anything. We do get along despite that, but I was kind of hoping for insight.
  • larve 4y ago
    This does sound odd, but if it works for you... My examples are definitely all about the workplace.
    • rendall 4y ago
      She's pretty great, lack of apologies notwithstanding
  • cecilpl2 4y ago
    Well, that's interesting. My ex-wife also never once admitted she was wrong or genuinely apologized to me for anything. Her brother was diagnosed Asperger's and I strongly suspected both her parents were as well. Sadly I don't have much to share in the way of insight.
  • narcraft 4y ago
    Same for neurotypical girlfriends
    • throwaway1777 4y ago
      Haha, indeed. The wife is never wrong.
      • Tronno 4y ago
        Pretty disappointed to see these boomer-style "wife bad" jokes on HN. Have you considered that being comfortable admitting fault is a skill which some people never learned while growing up, regardless of gender? And can you imagine a world where men do the same thing, but you don't gripe about it because you're not in a relationship with them?
        • narcraft 4y ago
          Some jokes are like ogres
        • rendall 4y ago
          Once upon a time I too was upset when people found things funny that I did not. But, I've come around since then. Not to finding things i don't like funny, but to the idea that humor is complicated. Essential. Necessary. People offset anxiety and tensions with humor, and not laughing leads to problems more often than laughing does. And, tbf, "the wife is never wrong" encodes some wisdom, same as does the saying "Happy wife means happy life" or, from White Men Can't Jump, "Always listen to the woman".
          • Tronno 4y ago
            I'm not sure I follow. What's the wisdom encoded in those statements? In what situations would it apply? I would love to see an example.
  • dboreham 4y ago
    Dude, that's _all_ girlfriends ;)
  • krageon 4y ago
    I have many autistic (actually diagnosed) friends and I've heard most of them say they're wrong multiple times. It comes with knowing people for years. If you know someone for years and they've never said they're wrong, that has nothing to do with autism. They're just an asshole.
• btilly 4y ago
  The problem is that you come across as the very stereotype of a person who is so focused on arguing about an irrelevant detail that there is no point in having the conversation with it. From my experiences with people on the spectrum, I would bet that you are arguing based on YOUR misunderstanding of the situation. And so your blog post can be summarized as, "Person who is convinced that they are right refuses to admit that they could have been wrong." Let's take the React checkout example that you gave. Your self-illusion is that you were engaged in holistic thinking. And, in fact, you couldn't even see the whole for the first irrelevant detail that caught your attention. This is the opposite of holistic thinking! First, it is not your job to make that kind of technology decision. You can offer advice, but it is your manager's job. Your job is to make sure that your manager is well-informed. You failed at that job. If you believe otherwise, then you're wrong. You probably believe you are better equipped to make that decision than your manager. You may well be right about that. (Though, as a rule, we tend to think that we are smarter than we are, and our managers are stupider than they are. But that is a side point.) But you are still wrong about the important point. Which is that it is still your manager's responsibility to make that decision. You wanted to frame the entire conversation around, "Does this checkout form have a concrete problem that needs fixing?" Your manager's thinking is going to be about very different looking questions. Such as: - Will switching to React make hiring and training future developers easier? - Do my existing programmers have the necessary skills to test this technology out? - Will this technology choice make future projects faster to develop? (For example, do we get wins from a better toolchain, etc.) - Will this be an interesting project that helps me keep existing employees motivated? - Are the other claimed wins in the blog post actually going to work out that way? Your manager needs to think about these things. You may dismiss them as bullshit, but they are not. Companies live and die on such considerations. Your manager learned absolutely nothing about these things. Your manager may have come away with the impression that you have no idea if there is a problem with the checkout page. But by misunderstanding your role and responsibility, you failed to carry out your actual responsibility within the team. And wound up so upset about it that you wrote a blog post with a strong undertone of, "Here is the kind of stupid I have to deal with at work." And that AGAIN puts you in the wrong. It literally takes under a minute to go from your blog to your name to where you work. Any coworker who recognizes the blog now knows you're unhappy. Which poisons your work atmosphere. And if this comes to your manager's attention, your manager has to now deal with the fallout from THAT. Yes, yes. You consider it bullshit. But it is bullshit that can easily get you fired. For good cause. And the fact that you do this AGAIN puts you in the wrong. And your considering it bullshit DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM BEING WRONG. It just means you won't admit it was a mistake.
• riwsky 4y ago
  shoutout to the MVP of "studied a bunch of books on human interaction in their 20s" techniques: disarming a criticism by undefensively agreeing with it