9 ms·

Just a suggestion, but if your relationship with your wife depends on your personal circumstances and mood, then it sounds not very strong. Might be worth takin

Just a suggestion, but if your relationship with your wife depends on your personal circumstances and mood, then it sounds not very strong. Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other's and your own feelings better. I'm not talking about random activities like going to the beach but finding a good self-help book or therapist and sitting down together working through it regularly. It's easy for problems to grow silently until they're too big to fix. Relationships are far more important than jobs, money or houses.

roeles 4y ago
> Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other's and your own feelings better. Not too long ago, my wife and I got the suggestion to schedule a weekly "open-faced hour". It has worked wonders for understanding each other, which has positive effects on every aspect of our relationship.
thow34wqway 4y ago
May be this works for American culture. In India over 95% are arranged marriages. The probability of finding a partner with common interests is pretty low. Not marrying is not an option. Because it affects siblings marriages. Women have even lesser freedom in this area. Given these conditions the best thing to do is not forget the relations ship b/w spouse will never be great and at the same time its not the spouse's fault. Minimal commitment to the happiness of the spouse is a must but never forget it will not be great. Long live the culture of individual freedom the west values most.
s1artibartfast 4y ago
It is pretty normal for poor mental health to take a toll on relationships. Sometimes the problem really is that simple. But with that said, it is always a good time to work on yourself and relationships.
- lumost 4y ago
  Shameless plus one, I’ve been with my wife for 10 years - when we’re both happy as individuals were happy as a couple. Sometimes people just need to do the hard work of finding happiness on their own. Someone else can’t make you feel happy with your career.
  - em-bee 4y ago
    partners should support each other, especially through trying times. but your happiness should not only depend on your partner. if it does then any problem in the relationship can quickly spiral into something unfixable. on the other hand, being individually happy is not enough. if your partnership does not add anything to your happiness then you are more like roommates. you are fortunate until now, but i would not rely on being able to keep that going without your partners help. you say you are happy as a couple when you are happy individually, but there is more to a relationship than just your individual happiness. i would investigate how your relationship is really doing. is your wife as happy as you are? how would you deal with difficult times as a couple? what might happen if your work changed and you no longer feel happy there? how are you supporting each other?
    - s1artibartfast 4y ago
      Am I the only one that thinks it's rude to give unsolicited marital advice based on absolutely no facts
      - dcow 4y ago
        Considering how grateful OP is for the advice shared by the community here previously, my impression is they're open to the continued advice. It's hardly unsolicited. I don't consider it rude when people are trying to be genuinely helpful. If you consider that rude you might be overly sensitive yourself and missing the bigger context. It's not happening here, but: I really really don't understand people who get offended by "unsolicited" advice. Chances are it's coming from a place of honest care and concern. Just ignore it if it doesn't pertain to you. When you get a strong reaction from someone in response to unsolicited advice, I find more often than not it's actually striking a chord and probably more needed than the person realizes. I'd want that feedback whether I solicited it or not, personally.
_carbyau_ 4y ago
Lines you won't see on a gravestone: "I wish I had worked more." "I wish I had a less meaningful relationship with my wife."
- burrows 4y ago
  Because I’ve seen “I wish I had worked less.” on a gravestone?
  - corrral 4y ago
    Yeah, there's typically little or nothing. No meaningful sentiments from the deceased. That's part of what the popular funeral poem "The Dash" plays on—everything that mattered in a life, by the time it's nothing but marks on a stone, is expressed in the distinctly inexpressive dash between the birth and death dates. It's rare to actually put anything about the life on there. "Loving father" or something is usually the most you get, if that. Sometimes poets or writers will compose a stanza for theirs, but those are exceptional.
    - TedDoesntTalk 4y ago
      Maybe that’s because the life that died is not under that stone. What’s under that stone isn’t even the husk of that life.
    - sam_goody 4y ago
      There are some which are exceptional. One in Tombstone, AZ (probably the only place people read these) says "We killed him by mistake. Too bad." There may really be a grave with the poem: "Here lies the body of Richard Weigh, who died defending his right of way. He was right, dead right, as he sped along. And he's just as dead as if he was wrong"
    - yesbabyyes 4y ago
      There was a famous Swedish author called Fritiof Nilsson Piraten, whose grave lacks any name but instead had the inscription (translated): "Here below are the ashes of a man who had the habit of putting everything off until tomorrow. But in his last days he improved, and did actually die on January 31, 1972."
ac2022 4y ago
Thanks, we are. But I highly doubt there are many people who can prevent their internal mental state from affecting their relationships. I was not able to see her point of view when I felt like a loser. Once I decided that I will get a new job, we were better able to communicate and figure out our next steps.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
n0th3r-curious 4y ago
Well said! Unless the personal life is happy (stable dependable lovable relationship like spouse/significant other), it's hard to succeed in professional life.
- Jagerbizzle 4y ago
  Just to provide a contrarian viewpoint, myself and some of my closest friends are experiencing the exact opposite.
nielsbot 4y ago
I second the recommendation of the help of a therapist if possible. You can certainly "work on yourself" but having the guidance of a professional can really accelerate things. It's also helpful to talk to someone who 1) is always in your corner and is your advocate and non-judgemental 2) is an expert in emotions, coping, relationships, and so on and 3) is not someone you already have a previous, possibly "tainted" relationship with. Good luck.
exodust 4y ago
> "Relationships are far more important than jobs, money or houses." In the movies, maybe: "As long as we're together, nothing else matters". In reality, relationship success often depends on certain fundamental things being in order. Like financial security and comfortable living arrangements.
muzani 4y ago
Relationships are like a muscle. They grow with stress, but not with prolonged stress. It's not just a direct relationship though. Consider your relationship with your spouse's family, friends, community, spiritual stuff. These are usually easiest to strengthen during good periods.
robochat42 4y ago
I think that you're missing his point which is that when you are unhappy, it is not always easy to pinpoint the cause of that unhappiness and it is very easy to start casting around for an explanation and end up blaming the wrong part of your life for your misery. You might think that this isn't believable but the unhappiness colours everything in your life and so it isn't as obvious as it seems.
- azinman2 4y ago
  All the more reason to listen to GP. Your partner should be someone to lean on, not blame. They likely don’t see them in the right light.
  - tsol 4y ago
    I'm not sure what this really means in practice, though. Going to them for support is an entirely different thing than feeling distressed that they are insisting on a major life change you disagree with. I don't think it'd be healthier to always agree with them. They're an independent mind, it's inevitable you will butt heads every once in a while
    - martopix 4y ago
      For example, the OP seems to know (he writes it in the post) that he was fighting with his wife because he was generally stressed. It would be interesting to know if, once he had this realisation after changing jobs, he actually sat down and told his wife "you know, I'm sorry for how I was with you. I was unhappy and I poured it on you. Did you realise it back then? What can we do to make it better next time? Thank you for bearing with me."
      - nomoreusernames 4y ago
        best comment. not just thanks but get her a gift too. something that requires you to put in an effort that she sees and understands.

roeles 4y ago

> Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other's and your own feelings better. Not too long ago, my wife and I got the suggestion to schedule a weekly "open-faced hour". It has worked wonders for understanding each other, which has positive effects on every aspect of our relationship.

thow34wqway 4y ago

May be this works for American culture. In India over 95% are arranged marriages. The probability of finding a partner with common interests is pretty low. Not marrying is not an option. Because it affects siblings marriages. Women have even lesser freedom in this area. Given these conditions the best thing to do is not forget the relations ship b/w spouse will never be great and at the same time its not the spouse's fault. Minimal commitment to the happiness of the spouse is a must but never forget it will not be great. Long live the culture of individual freedom the west values most.

s1artibartfast 4y ago

It is pretty normal for poor mental health to take a toll on relationships. Sometimes the problem really is that simple. But with that said, it is always a good time to work on yourself and relationships.

lumost 4y ago
Shameless plus one, I’ve been with my wife for 10 years - when we’re both happy as individuals were happy as a couple. Sometimes people just need to do the hard work of finding happiness on their own. Someone else can’t make you feel happy with your career.
- em-bee 4y ago
  partners should support each other, especially through trying times. but your happiness should not only depend on your partner. if it does then any problem in the relationship can quickly spiral into something unfixable. on the other hand, being individually happy is not enough. if your partnership does not add anything to your happiness then you are more like roommates. you are fortunate until now, but i would not rely on being able to keep that going without your partners help. you say you are happy as a couple when you are happy individually, but there is more to a relationship than just your individual happiness. i would investigate how your relationship is really doing. is your wife as happy as you are? how would you deal with difficult times as a couple? what might happen if your work changed and you no longer feel happy there? how are you supporting each other?
  - s1artibartfast 4y ago
    Am I the only one that thinks it's rude to give unsolicited marital advice based on absolutely no facts
    - dcow 4y ago
      Considering how grateful OP is for the advice shared by the community here previously, my impression is they're open to the continued advice. It's hardly unsolicited. I don't consider it rude when people are trying to be genuinely helpful. If you consider that rude you might be overly sensitive yourself and missing the bigger context. It's not happening here, but: I really really don't understand people who get offended by "unsolicited" advice. Chances are it's coming from a place of honest care and concern. Just ignore it if it doesn't pertain to you. When you get a strong reaction from someone in response to unsolicited advice, I find more often than not it's actually striking a chord and probably more needed than the person realizes. I'd want that feedback whether I solicited it or not, personally.

_carbyau_ 4y ago

Lines you won't see on a gravestone: "I wish I had worked more." "I wish I had a less meaningful relationship with my wife."

burrows 4y ago
Because I’ve seen “I wish I had worked less.” on a gravestone?
- corrral 4y ago
  Yeah, there's typically little or nothing. No meaningful sentiments from the deceased. That's part of what the popular funeral poem "The Dash" plays on—everything that mattered in a life, by the time it's nothing but marks on a stone, is expressed in the distinctly inexpressive dash between the birth and death dates. It's rare to actually put anything about the life on there. "Loving father" or something is usually the most you get, if that. Sometimes poets or writers will compose a stanza for theirs, but those are exceptional.
  - TedDoesntTalk 4y ago
    Maybe that’s because the life that died is not under that stone. What’s under that stone isn’t even the husk of that life.
  - sam_goody 4y ago
    There are some which are exceptional. One in Tombstone, AZ (probably the only place people read these) says "We killed him by mistake. Too bad." There may really be a grave with the poem: "Here lies the body of Richard Weigh, who died defending his right of way. He was right, dead right, as he sped along. And he's just as dead as if he was wrong"
  - yesbabyyes 4y ago
    There was a famous Swedish author called Fritiof Nilsson Piraten, whose grave lacks any name but instead had the inscription (translated): "Here below are the ashes of a man who had the habit of putting everything off until tomorrow. But in his last days he improved, and did actually die on January 31, 1972."

ac2022 4y ago

Thanks, we are. But I highly doubt there are many people who can prevent their internal mental state from affecting their relationships. I was not able to see her point of view when I felt like a loser. Once I decided that I will get a new job, we were better able to communicate and figure out our next steps.

deleted 4y ago

[deleted]

n0th3r-curious 4y ago

Well said! Unless the personal life is happy (stable dependable lovable relationship like spouse/significant other), it's hard to succeed in professional life.

Jagerbizzle 4y ago
Just to provide a contrarian viewpoint, myself and some of my closest friends are experiencing the exact opposite.

nielsbot 4y ago

I second the recommendation of the help of a therapist if possible. You can certainly "work on yourself" but having the guidance of a professional can really accelerate things. It's also helpful to talk to someone who 1) is always in your corner and is your advocate and non-judgemental 2) is an expert in emotions, coping, relationships, and so on and 3) is not someone you already have a previous, possibly "tainted" relationship with. Good luck.

exodust 4y ago

> "Relationships are far more important than jobs, money or houses." In the movies, maybe: "As long as we're together, nothing else matters". In reality, relationship success often depends on certain fundamental things being in order. Like financial security and comfortable living arrangements.

muzani 4y ago

Relationships are like a muscle. They grow with stress, but not with prolonged stress. It's not just a direct relationship though. Consider your relationship with your spouse's family, friends, community, spiritual stuff. These are usually easiest to strengthen during good periods.

robochat42 4y ago

I think that you're missing his point which is that when you are unhappy, it is not always easy to pinpoint the cause of that unhappiness and it is very easy to start casting around for an explanation and end up blaming the wrong part of your life for your misery. You might think that this isn't believable but the unhappiness colours everything in your life and so it isn't as obvious as it seems.

azinman2 4y ago
All the more reason to listen to GP. Your partner should be someone to lean on, not blame. They likely don’t see them in the right light.
- tsol 4y ago
  I'm not sure what this really means in practice, though. Going to them for support is an entirely different thing than feeling distressed that they are insisting on a major life change you disagree with. I don't think it'd be healthier to always agree with them. They're an independent mind, it's inevitable you will butt heads every once in a while
  - martopix 4y ago
    For example, the OP seems to know (he writes it in the post) that he was fighting with his wife because he was generally stressed. It would be interesting to know if, once he had this realisation after changing jobs, he actually sat down and told his wife "you know, I'm sorry for how I was with you. I was unhappy and I poured it on you. Did you realise it back then? What can we do to make it better next time? Thank you for bearing with me."
    - nomoreusernames 4y ago
      best comment. not just thanks but get her a gift too. something that requires you to put in an effort that she sees and understands.