7 ms·

my tinder has been quiet for years. I’m looking for an attractive mate and I’m 1) not that attractive 2) fat 3) bald(ing) 4) old enough to be the father of thos

my tinder has been quiet for years. I’m looking for an attractive mate and I’m 1) not that attractive 2) fat 3) bald(ing) 4) old enough to be the father of those I consider 5) not rich or successful (yet) and worst of all if I got the pretty girl I wouldn't know what to do with her. I don’t want to be that guy. What I want is to go back in time to when I was young. I guess dating just wasn't in my lot. Everyone gets something, nobody gets everything.

shahar2k 4y ago
I'm 40 myself and I find that a lot of the issues with online dating is that pretty much all apps lead with your age. the other thing I've found is that I have SO much more luck in person meeting new people also finding people based on shared interst is pretty much required now, as generalized socializing almost doesnt happen. for me it's been boardgaming, polyamory meetups mainly... and volunteering to teach things. it's a muscle, socializing, it's something that improves with use (but also gets exhausted with overuse)
- meken 4y ago
  What kind of volunteer teaching do you do?
majormajor 4y ago
Sure, if "wanting someone half your age who's far more attractive" outweighs your desire to not be alone, you're out of luck. But "I'm vain and want a trophy" is a different problem than aging alone. If you really wanted it you could spend a couple years getting in tip-top shape and expand your pool to more like late-30s and you might have better luck than you think... But you gotta put in SOME effort.
glatisaint 4y ago
Couldn't you date someone attainable rather than staying single to keep a fantasy alive?
- jazzythom 4y ago
  Sound logic but settling isn't my strong suit. Also I very much wanted children
  - deanmoriarty 4y ago
    I do not disagree with you. I’m in a happy relationship, but if I wasn’t I’d rather be single than settling with someone I wouldn’t find attractive just because they were “attainable”.
  - bpodgursky 4y ago
    You can absolutely still have children, but you're going to have to settle slightly on aesthetics to find a woman 30-35 who considers you in her league. (also, just lose some weight, even if you don't get fit. it's an incredible level-up.)
rr808 4y ago
4) old enough to be the father of those I consider Yeah this is the real problem. Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models, but you have to be special to do this. You really would have a lot more than no success with people your own age.
- pengaru 4y ago
  > Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models This is conflating fucking with dating.
  - jazzythom 4y ago
    I instantly fall in love with someone I sleep with. In fact I make a connection to any girl I deem pretty that makes eye contact on the subway. I feel a little hurt when they get off the train without saying goodbye
- derbOac 4y ago
  An aside, but not everyone wants to date 20 year old models.
  - shahar2k 4y ago
    as someone who has dated a 20 year old (I was in my early 30's at the time) and met many others her age through social situations... most 20 year olds are just kids still, something I felt at the time and moreso these days... my tastes though really heavily lean towards maturity, it was a weird coincidence we even got into a relationship
  - seydor 4y ago
    And not all 20 y o are models. People with little romantic experience tend to fit better with younger women because women of the same age generally have more romantic experience
- XorNot 4y ago
  > Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models No they really don't. This is an idea pushed by sociopaths who are somewhere between trash and downright dangerous. They can't date older women because older women spot their bullshit a mile away and steer clear.
ddhhyy 4y ago
Tinder is murder. I'm 39, male, tall, attractive, fit, educated, etc. in a small-midsized city and it's extremely, extremely, rare to get a match. Very occasionally (1-2x/year, in my experience) things progress to a date/hookup. If you really want to use apps, I'd suggest exploring others. I've had the most success (relatively) with Hinge. I'd agree with sibling comment that meeting people out in the world can be a lot more fulfilling. You probably know within seconds if you're (physically) attracted to people in the world. Apps can be deceiving. Keep in mind that in your list of five items, you can manage all of them. If you want it badly enough, you can change #2, and based on your comment I'd argue this (negative self-image) may be at the root here. #3 is not a problem if you don't let it be--plenty of Bic-ed bald guys with attractive mates out there. We are all doled the genes we must live with, but I bet many of the perceived issues with #1 and #3 will improve if you fix #2. None of the women I have dated have cared, at all, about the money I do or don't have (#5). I live in a backyard cottage. I drive a 20 year old car. And as for #4, I can tell you I had a no-strings-attached relationship with a 21 year old for several months last year. She worked at the farmers market, which is where we met. I don't mean to brag, but you need know that each of those items in your list really is in your control. It's a grind and a slog and it's scary to have conversations with complete strangers. But if it's something you want, I tell you it is possible. EDIT: I should also mention I'm no "natural". I was terrified of girls in high school, didn't kiss anyone until I halfway through college, was stuck in a loveless long-term relationship for a decade after college because I was sure no one else other than this one person would ever love me, etc. It took a lot of learning and healing to describe myself as I did in the first paragraph. If I could do it, you can do it.
- airstrike 4y ago
  Just wanted to say 1000x this. At the end of the day, we've got to live with the choices we make. And the choices we choose not to make are still choices. And if you can't make yourself make those healthier / better choices even though you know the payoff is worth it, then you need to address the root cause that's driving that irrational behavior. (Don't mean to sound callous but this feels like the right audience to be hyperlogical with.) Easier said than done, but trust me it's possible.
- quest88 4y ago
newaccount2021 4y ago
pengaru 4y ago
Get proper fit and shave your head.
- throwawayboise 4y ago
bigDinosaur 4y ago
Abandon Tinder. It works for certain demographics but it is amazingly awful for everyone else. You can absolutely still date, in fact I'm constantly surprised by the older people in my life who seem to have no problem finding dates. You do have to have something going for you beyond looks, a certain kind of success which may not be financial.
t-3 4y ago
Honestly, you're in the second best age group for women in their 20's and 30's. Daddy issues are rife. Looks don't matter much either. Really, being able to talk will get you a lot farther than a six-pack and full head of hair. Trying to meet people on the hookup apps is an exercise in frustration for most people though, just go outside and be social.
weakfish 4y ago
I think your problem is setting your standards unreasonably high. It may be time to focus your energy inward on exercise and self-care, as a confident and well rounded man is far more attractive to many.
bambax 4y ago
This comment is reminiscent of a funny interview Larry David did on Conan: > My problem is that I was very particular, which is odd because I was very desperate at the time. (...) You'll find that a lot of desperate people are very particular, like even Quasimodo. The hunchback had to have the best looking girl in the village. And then his friends would like and fix him up. They'd go "Quasi, there's a very nice girl in my office, a wonderful personality; I want to introduce you to her." (With a bizarre voice:) "Is she good looking?" "But Quasi! You're a monster! You're a heinous beast! What are you talking about?!" (Same bizarre voice:) "She has to be good looking." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug02cqP69V4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug02cqP69V4
- jazzythom 4y ago
  That’s very funny and true but it makes sense. You want your offspring hopefully to be more attractive than you are, in addition to other beneficial hereditary traits. And its a competitive play, since each successive generation seems to be more attractive generally, with the losers of each round childless. So you’re leveraging your other qualities to the maximum without going too far and ending up with nothing. Its a gamble

shahar2k 4y ago

I'm 40 myself and I find that a lot of the issues with online dating is that pretty much all apps lead with your age. the other thing I've found is that I have SO much more luck in person meeting new people also finding people based on shared interst is pretty much required now, as generalized socializing almost doesnt happen. for me it's been boardgaming, polyamory meetups mainly... and volunteering to teach things. it's a muscle, socializing, it's something that improves with use (but also gets exhausted with overuse)

meken 4y ago
What kind of volunteer teaching do you do?

majormajor 4y ago

Sure, if "wanting someone half your age who's far more attractive" outweighs your desire to not be alone, you're out of luck. But "I'm vain and want a trophy" is a different problem than aging alone. If you really wanted it you could spend a couple years getting in tip-top shape and expand your pool to more like late-30s and you might have better luck than you think... But you gotta put in SOME effort.

glatisaint 4y ago

Couldn't you date someone attainable rather than staying single to keep a fantasy alive?

jazzythom 4y ago
Sound logic but settling isn't my strong suit. Also I very much wanted children
- deanmoriarty 4y ago
  I do not disagree with you. I’m in a happy relationship, but if I wasn’t I’d rather be single than settling with someone I wouldn’t find attractive just because they were “attainable”.
- bpodgursky 4y ago
  You can absolutely still have children, but you're going to have to settle slightly on aesthetics to find a woman 30-35 who considers you in her league. (also, just lose some weight, even if you don't get fit. it's an incredible level-up.)

rr808 4y ago

4) old enough to be the father of those I consider Yeah this is the real problem. Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models, but you have to be special to do this. You really would have a lot more than no success with people your own age.

pengaru 4y ago
> Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models This is conflating fucking with dating.
- jazzythom 4y ago
  I instantly fall in love with someone I sleep with. In fact I make a connection to any girl I deem pretty that makes eye contact on the subway. I feel a little hurt when they get off the train without saying goodbye
derbOac 4y ago
An aside, but not everyone wants to date 20 year old models.
- shahar2k 4y ago
  as someone who has dated a 20 year old (I was in my early 30's at the time) and met many others her age through social situations... most 20 year olds are just kids still, something I felt at the time and moreso these days... my tastes though really heavily lean towards maturity, it was a weird coincidence we even got into a relationship
- seydor 4y ago
  And not all 20 y o are models. People with little romantic experience tend to fit better with younger women because women of the same age generally have more romantic experience
XorNot 4y ago
> Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models No they really don't. This is an idea pushed by sociopaths who are somewhere between trash and downright dangerous. They can't date older women because older women spot their bullshit a mile away and steer clear.

ddhhyy 4y ago

Tinder is murder. I'm 39, male, tall, attractive, fit, educated, etc. in a small-midsized city and it's extremely, extremely, rare to get a match. Very occasionally (1-2x/year, in my experience) things progress to a date/hookup. If you really want to use apps, I'd suggest exploring others. I've had the most success (relatively) with Hinge. I'd agree with sibling comment that meeting people out in the world can be a lot more fulfilling. You probably know within seconds if you're (physically) attracted to people in the world. Apps can be deceiving. Keep in mind that in your list of five items, you can manage all of them. If you want it badly enough, you can change #2, and based on your comment I'd argue this (negative self-image) may be at the root here. #3 is not a problem if you don't let it be--plenty of Bic-ed bald guys with attractive mates out there. We are all doled the genes we must live with, but I bet many of the perceived issues with #1 and #3 will improve if you fix #2. None of the women I have dated have cared, at all, about the money I do or don't have (#5). I live in a backyard cottage. I drive a 20 year old car. And as for #4, I can tell you I had a no-strings-attached relationship with a 21 year old for several months last year. She worked at the farmers market, which is where we met. I don't mean to brag, but you need know that each of those items in your list really is in your control. It's a grind and a slog and it's scary to have conversations with complete strangers. But if it's something you want, I tell you it is possible. EDIT: I should also mention I'm no "natural". I was terrified of girls in high school, didn't kiss anyone until I halfway through college, was stuck in a loveless long-term relationship for a decade after college because I was sure no one else other than this one person would ever love me, etc. It took a lot of learning and healing to describe myself as I did in the first paragraph. If I could do it, you can do it.

airstrike 4y ago
Just wanted to say 1000x this. At the end of the day, we've got to live with the choices we make. And the choices we choose not to make are still choices. And if you can't make yourself make those healthier / better choices even though you know the payoff is worth it, then you need to address the root cause that's driving that irrational behavior. (Don't mean to sound callous but this feels like the right audience to be hyperlogical with.) Easier said than done, but trust me it's possible.
quest88 4y ago

newaccount2021 4y ago

pengaru 4y ago

Get proper fit and shave your head.

throwawayboise 4y ago

bigDinosaur 4y ago

Abandon Tinder. It works for certain demographics but it is amazingly awful for everyone else. You can absolutely still date, in fact I'm constantly surprised by the older people in my life who seem to have no problem finding dates. You do have to have something going for you beyond looks, a certain kind of success which may not be financial.

t-3 4y ago

Honestly, you're in the second best age group for women in their 20's and 30's. Daddy issues are rife. Looks don't matter much either. Really, being able to talk will get you a lot farther than a six-pack and full head of hair. Trying to meet people on the hookup apps is an exercise in frustration for most people though, just go outside and be social.

weakfish 4y ago

I think your problem is setting your standards unreasonably high. It may be time to focus your energy inward on exercise and self-care, as a confident and well rounded man is far more attractive to many.

bambax 4y ago

This comment is reminiscent of a funny interview Larry David did on Conan: > My problem is that I was very particular, which is odd because I was very desperate at the time. (...) You'll find that a lot of desperate people are very particular, like even Quasimodo. The hunchback had to have the best looking girl in the village. And then his friends would like and fix him up. They'd go "Quasi, there's a very nice girl in my office, a wonderful personality; I want to introduce you to her." (With a bizarre voice:) "Is she good looking?" "But Quasi! You're a monster! You're a heinous beast! What are you talking about?!" (Same bizarre voice:) "She has to be good looking." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug02cqP69V4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug02cqP69V4

jazzythom 4y ago
That’s very funny and true but it makes sense. You want your offspring hopefully to be more attractive than you are, in addition to other beneficial hereditary traits. And its a competitive play, since each successive generation seems to be more attractive generally, with the losers of each round childless. So you’re leveraging your other qualities to the maximum without going too far and ending up with nothing. Its a gamble