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When families un-adopt a child (2018)
- haspoken 5y agohttps://archive.ph/6heWk https://archive.ph/6heWk
- rootusrootus 5y agoIf the opening story about the 10 year old being put up for adoption 9+ years after being adopted as an infant is true, then I'm speechless. What an incredibly destructive, hateful thing to do. On the one hand, I don't think you should be able to do such things to a child. On the other hand, this is such a clear signal of how inappropriate you are as a parent that I guess the answer is to take the child as quickly as possible and seek to minimize the ongoing damage that is almost certainly already occuring.
- bobthechef 5y ago
- civilized 5y agoTalk about a "no good choices" situation.
- diob 5y agoIt's terrible, but on the other hand I wish my parents / step parents had been courageous enough to do it rather than cowardly trying to make my life hell instead.
- toomuchtodo 5y agoThe more resources available for parents who shouldn’t become parents to stay childfree, the better. Everyone decries the falling fertility rate. Let’s talk about how many kids who are in foster care every year (~400k in the US), who are in toxic homes, or who are homeless. We have a long way to go. (I donate to non profits who subsidize voluntary permanent birth control and who advocate for the childfree)
- rayiner 5y ago
- toomuchtodo 5y agoReproducing for the sake of doing so is clearing becoming passé [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6]. High level, the world needs less people [7]. Lots of roads to get there, all valid as long as they don't cause harm in the process. Live your best life, and for many, that means being childfree. If you're a decent, responsible parent, more power to you, as long as you're willing to shoulder the costs of your children. Culture and passing of it down is seemingly overrated in the current era (outside of some belief systems), and even the Mongol Empire ran out of steam (despite Genghis Khan's progeny and reproductive efforts). Build strong institutions that will withstand the test of time, versus traditional families, marriages, and progeny. Arguably, this is an indicator of an advanced civilization, versus relying on families and tribalism for strength and culture. [1] https://ourworldindata.org/fertility-rate https://ourworldindata.org/fertility-rate [2] https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/11/19/growing-share-of-childless-adults-in-u-s-dont-expect-to-ever-have-children/ https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2021/11/19/growing-sha... [3] https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2021/childless-older-adult-population.html https://www.census.gov/newsroom/press-releases/2021/childles... [4] https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-rise-of-childless-america https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-rise-of-childless-america [5] https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/03/29/childfree-women-parenting-parenthood-no-kids/3153546002/ https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/03/29/childf... [6] https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/05/upshot/americans-are-having-fewer-babies-they-told-us-why.html https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/05/upshot/americans-are-havi... [7] https://www.nationalgeographic.org/topics/resource-library-human-impacts-environment/ https://www.nationalgeographic.org/topics/resource-library-h...
- satellite2 5y agoThe Repugnant Conclusion
- toomuchtodo 5y ago
- Tade0 5y agoMy relatives adopted a child who went through something similar at age 4. She's okay now, but it took years to get to that point.
- ftyers 5y agoI really didn't get this part: > But according to the information provided by her parents, “This family has drastically changed their lifestyle and have left their faith and extended family for a quiet, secluded life.” It is their hope that “a different family will step forward who can provide her with the socialization and continued relationship with God that she desires.” So they're saying that they are getting rid of her because she is too religious at the age of 10 to fit into their lives? I kind of feel like something is missing there.
- oneoff786 5y agoThe bigger red flag there is leaving their extended family for a secluded life imo. This has a wide range of possible interpretations.
- song 5y agoThis kind of sounds like the parents joined a cult... The secluded life, leaving extended family... Of course, pure speculation, but this way of writing reminds me of what I've heard in the past from people in cults.
- xwdv 5y agoA child starts getting very expensive after age 10. Most likely, this child had served its purpose in their lives and the parents are done with their parenthood phase. It is time for someone else to take over while they travel the world and enjoy the finer things in life child free. It is possible they were just pressured into being parents by their extended family, but they didn’t really want to be.
- tpmx 5y agoI just can't get over the fact that it's somehow legal in the US to advertise young children for adoption on the (public) web, complete with portrait photos and descriptions of their personalities and backgrounds.
- ars 5y agoThis is not unique to the US. For example https://www.rainbowkids.com/international-adoption/eastern-europe https://www.rainbowkids.com/international-adoption/eastern-e... Just search for photolisting you'll find it all over the place.
- brabel 5y agoRussia and Ukraine have a terrible problem with orphans. Here's an example from Ukraine: https://deti.zp.ua/eng/list.php?keyword=sirot_net https://deti.zp.ua/eng/list.php?keyword=sirot_net (if you find the US sites shocking, pls don't visit this).
- gene91 5y agoWhat’s the alternative? I assume that you’re not suggesting that one signs up for adoption and gets assigned a random child. So the alternative is agents with access to the inventory (children) and clients (potential parents). I don’t understand why that’s better than letting clients browsing inventory by themselves.
- dymk 5y agoReferring to children as "inventory" is implies all sorts of negative things. Adoption isn't the same as a transaction where you peruse the "inventory" for a new hot tub or something. Those interested in adoption should be _so_ interested, that they're willing to go meet in-person with an agency who can introduce them to the children.
- ipaddr 5y agoThe biggest problem agencies have is getting parents to come down. By advertising with pictures people will emotionally bond with a specific child which will prompt them to go through the long, expensive agency adoption process. Charities use images of children to sell the charity.
- Borrible 5y agoEvery offer finds a demand. https://www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/part1 https://www.reuters.com/investigates/adoption/#article/part1
- kingcharles 5y agoWow. It is alarmingly easy to offload your child. People are adopting children because they look cute without understanding why the child was available for adoption in the first place. Usually it is because they have such deep mental health problems that they need a very time-consuming and expensive amount of care to bring their quality of life up to something reasonable. It's very sad for these children, and it's not even one that is easy for a government to solve. It's not like health insurance where the government can throw more money at the problem - these children need very dedicated, caring parents who are willing to adopt, which is a rare thing to find.
- curioussavage 5y agoIt is terrible. My parents were foster parents to two girls at different times. One was from a foreign country and had been previously adopted. A history of abuse and fetal alcohol syndrome meant lots of behavioral issues. We ended up all getting locks on our bedroom doors. It was extremely stressful and gives me some sympathy for the family that originally adopted her. Goes without saying that the kids get worst part of the deal. In those two cases they both ended up in group homes. The article mentions the foreign agency being honest but in this case the adoptive parents were lied to about the child’s condition
- MomoXenosaga 5y agoForeign adoption agencies are usually a nice income for poor countries. Turns out the "orphan" has parents who are still very much alive. Parents want cute babies and toddlers to adopt not 10 year old local kids from abusive homes.
- pvaldes 5y agoNot so easy choice. Parents that do it are disqualified for adoption programs in the future. So if your adopted children start showing strong psycho traits, or a undisclosed medical condition that only the very rich could manage and you are a mother past your reproductive age or your partner is sterile the choice is -this- child and maybe another in the future, or no child at all, ever. The parents are blackmailed basically.
- 999900000999 5y agoDoesn't surprise me at all. My dad's wife hated me, so I got kicked out at 15. Didn't stop my Dad from showing up at school and my job to threaten me. The joys of adulthood, I deal with my horrible family when I want to. If you gave a bad family, it's imperative you estrange yourself. In my 20s I made the mistake of trusting these disgusting people. Of course they lied to my face, stabbed me in the back, and asked me to co-sign a home loan afterwards. So my credit stays locked. Trust is a luxury I can't afford. Also, many step parents end up treating those kids like shit. If your not going to treat your step kids fairly, since you don't want to do it, don't date a single parent. You have a bit of a catch-22, anyone mature enough to become a step parent will understand how much of responsibility it is. Thus, they'll be reluctant to do it. Someone who lacks that maturity, will be much more eager to become a step parent as a condition of a new relationship. I know I can't guarantee I'll be a good step parent. It's just an insanely hard thing to do, which takes a person stronger than myself. So I don't date people with kids. I'd sooner die alone than put someone else though what I went though.
- haolez 5y agoConsider going to therapy. Sometimes, the scars are not as deep as you initially thought. Your story seems similar to my wife's, especially the part about being tricked into debt. We've managed to clear things up after many years of she and her brothers struggling. Good luck!
- 999900000999 5y agoGlad therapy worked for your wife. My Dad simply used it as another venue to threaten me. I'm always going to be a bit messed up. It's not really something I want to fix, if I could.
- chasil 5y agoI definitely feel resonance for your position that estrangement is sometimes the best option, and is the one sure way to end a pattern of abuse that cannot otherwise be broken. I was lucky that my parents used it so much in my youth that when it came time for me to use it on them, I had seen many examples. I might say that your family only has the power to haunt you that you now give them. Truly being able to say "you are no longer of significance to me" might lead you a place that you had not expected.
- hn_throwaway_99 5y agoI went and googled the advertising page of the second chance adoption agency discussed in this article, and it's just heartbreaking. On one hand, I really can't imagine what these "parents" were thinking adopting these children in the first place - the reasons for rehoming go from "major lifelong medical care required" to "child doesn't get along with his siblings" - but, in any case, doesn't seem like many of the issues would have been unknown or that unexpected at the time of the first adoption. I also have the distinct feeling that few of these parents would give these kids up at the ages of 8-10 if they were their own biological children. Of course, on the other hand, I can't help but think that these kids should be removed ASAP from a home where a parent would consider giving them up after caring for them for 8-9 years. Just really sad all around, my heart goes out to these kids.
- in_cahoots 5y agoLooking at the children up for adoption today, a large portion seem to come from families with many other siblings. Who would have thought that children with special needs require dedicated attention?! The other thing I was surprised to see is how many of these kids ‘love Jesus’ and want to go to a traditional (i.e. straight Christian) family. I would think that any loving family is better than being unwanted, regardless of their religion and genders.
- lupire 5y ago> these kids ‘love Jesus’ and want to go to a traditional (i.e. straight Christian) "These kids" don't want that.
- wizzwizz4 5y agoSometimes they do. I don't know how to tell the difference between “child's desires are being listened to” and “people are speaking for the child” other than talking to them – and often, children don't feel comfortable speaking their minds even when they're assured it's safe to do so, so it's hard for me to tell even then. (Ymmv: I imagine skilled practitioners of social-fu can tell the difference.) But just because adults are saying that a child wants something, that doesn't mean the child doesn't want that thing.
- turpialito 5y agoUnwanted pets, unwanted children. In the words of Prof. Farnsworth: "I don't want to live on this planet anymore".
- adauctus 5y agoAdoptive parent here. I read this before I adopted, and it didn’t make any sense to me then. Having now adopted, I’m willing to make a value judgement and say this absolutely horrific. It induces horror. I’m my kid’s parent.
- warner25 5y agoHorrific, but I'm not surprised this happens. I have four biological kids. I know that parenting is hard. That's actually an understatement. I've often wondered how much harder it is when you don't have the biological connection and evolutionary drive to help slog through the hardest parts. To be very candid, I have moments where I feel like having kids was a bad decision, but I know that I'd still give my life for them. I can only speculate about how adoptive parents might feel at the hardest times. Edited to add: I guess biological parents are the ones putting kids up for adoption in the first place, obviously. So the biological connection and evolutionary drive doesn't do much for some people.
- bigcat123 5y ago
- djrogers 5y ago> I've often wondered how much harder it is when you don't have the biological connection and evolutionary drive to help slog through the hardest parts Fun my experience it hasn’t been one iota more difficult (2 biological and one adopted child) to deal with the hard parts. There’s never been a point when it even crosses my mind that one kid is ‘of me’ and the other isn’t…
- harry8 5y ago>So the biological connection and evolutionary drive doesn't do much for some people. That doesn't follow at all. You can make zero assumptions about the why of that decision for any individual case nor how gut-wrenchingly difficult it is or is not. Nothing.
- nadezhda18 5y ago
- MomoXenosaga 5y agoIn my country you break it you own it. You can't just return to sender your adopted kid like a goddamn Zalando package.
- k__ 5y agoI knew someone from Cuba, and they said they had a very loose way of doing relationships. Basically everyone was cheating, much drama, etc. pp. But they said, everyone cared for the children. Many families would have a whole bunch of half siblings, but they were always cared for by the grater family, even if the parents themselves werent able to do so. I kinda like that idea.
- Scubabear68 5y agoWe adopted two older kids (age 3 and 7) when we were in our 40s/30s. It was very difficult and life changing in many ways. We sacrificed a lot to bring them into our lives. But - we knew that going into it. It has caused stress and strain and high blood pressure. But I also got to carry my son off the field on my shoulders when he ran in the the finally touch down to cap off an undefeated season. To hear my daughter sing like Beyoncé. We knew going into this it was going to be difficult. But we did it intentionally to save two lives from what was a life of poverty, instability, and abuse. We purposefully adopted through the State because we knew those were the kids in dire straights. I want to say I can’t believe people would “return” adopted kids, but we saw a lot during adoption training. Parents in it for the money (you get a monthly payment if your kids are classified special needs). Parents asking questions about restraining and hitting kids. Foster homes filled to the brim with kids because there is a constant shortage of homes. I hope most parents are improving the lives of those they adopt. But that 5% number is just devastating to see, but reflects the reality of who we are as a culture and a race.
- the_doctah 5y ago>but reflects the reality of who we are as a culture and a race. what does race have to do with this?
- notch656a 5y agoHow could you possibly know what an 15+ year commitment is like before going into it? Did you have kids prior to adopting? I don't think it's weird at all some people wish they could 'return' their kids. It's virtually impossible to truly know what it's like until you're in it.
- jacquesm 5y agoI know about a kid that was orphaned twice. Some of this stuff really breaks your heart, parent or not.
- da39a3ee 5y agoThe title sounds like it’s going to be discussing a general adoption phenomenon, but the example it starts with is just crazy religious people in utah. I don’t think that normal-minded people can learn anything applicable from people whose minds and lives are dominated by superstitious delusion.
- notsureaboutpg 5y ago
- lmm 5y agoI don't really understand the negative tone here. Of course there are cases where parents will want to give up a child, for good or bad reasons. Of course that applies to adopted children too. I've heard wildly varying things about how much screening is applied to adoptive parents - some people complain about a lack of screening, others about a hugely expensive and complex process. None of those wringing their hands seem to have a positive proposal to make things better.
- plandis 5y agoGiving up any child seems like child abuse to me once you consider the mental trauma of a child who has to live with the fact that there is nobody to love and care for them.
- coward123 5y agoBetween high school and college I was a camp counselor. Had a camper who had been adopted out of a horrific situation somewhere in Central America. Was put into a home where I'm sure they were well-intentioned, but completely in over there heads as to the level of mental and emotional trauma this little guy had been through. I don't think he even made it through the full week of camp, and I would strongly suspect he ended up institutionalized somewhere. I bring this up not to give anyone a free pass, but simply to say that I can well imagine there are cases where well-meaning people discover they are in way over their heads. Clearly it should be the goal of the system to not place a child into that situation in their first place, but I can see where it happens. As for some of these other stories where the adults are clearly just a bunch of jerks... again, would seem like the system should avoid that situation, but there is such a backlog of kids needing homes that it isn't hard to understand why it happens.
- IG_Semmelweiss 5y agoThese sort of forum posts should come with 2 disclaimers. I'm a parent. Y/N I'm adopted. Y/N With that out of the way, people need to realize that the adoption pool is biased to kids with severe issues. Mostly because some portion of kids were places on adoption because of genetic issues, and the rest will probably develop issues as a result of adoptio. Only the very best of parents are even considering adoption from said pool. I was surprised the failure rate is only ~5%. We can hope for better but -i think- 5% can be celebrated. Y N