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Ask HN: How do I develop skills to comfort people and offer compassion?

104 points by navalsaini 5y ago

I am looking for interesting "book recommendations" particularly. Someone told me that they were afraid to share their vulnerabilities with me because they feared I might not be comforting or even give them more anxiety. I have looked up to HN for wisdom over the years and hopefully this ask piques enough interest.

jldl805 5y ago
OP the book you need is called Crucial Conversations, it will change your life. Talks about both how to share your feelings and create a safe place for others to share their feelings with you.
p0d 5y ago
I have observed some of my friends are dismissive of my concerns but a similar issue for them could be described as a crime against humanity. Hypocrisy sounds too harsh. I think we are all too quick to speak. My suggestion would be to listen more and ask more questions.
inerte 5y ago
- Share your own vulnerabilities too. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. The golden rule. - Practice active listening. - You're not there to solve the problem, just to listen. Listening is good enough.* You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Don't be dismissive, you're not trying to stop the conversation. Tone matters here.
- senectus1 5y ago
  > - Share your own vulnerabilities too. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. The golden rule. Careful about making it all about you though...
- nzoschke 5y ago
  Thank you for sharing. This matches my experience too. Empathy starts with listening and continues with making a safe space for someone to share deeper feelings. Passing judgement, problem solving, or dominating the conversation are anti patterns. I was lucky to get some management training in active listening at a past job. It felt like common knowledge to me but thru training and practicing at work I was surprised to see how uncommon following the fundamentals are in the workspace. Often everyone is too “busy” and “results oriented” to communicate clearly and to make time to actually listen to one another.
- MikeTheGreat 5y ago
  > You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Agreed! Asking helps me clarify to myself the possible goals (and make it explicit that "just" listening is a valid goal). Even if you don't ask thinking about the question is a nice way to remind yourself that you don't need to solve it for them. My experience has been that women appreciate this question - I think that most men tend to jump into problem-solving mode and actually being asked is a nice change (here in the U.S.) And of course there's this 2 minute video to memorably highlight the idea :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
jazzyjackson 5y ago
Frank Ostaseski's "The Five Initiations" might be of interest. It's not a how-to guide by any means, but illustrates what compassion can mean to people. Can be as simple as listening and accepting.
kqr 5y ago
People always look at me funny for recommending it but How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk can be a big help for dealing with adults too. The main difference between a child and a grown-up in terms of how you talk to them is that the grown-up has a larger vocabulary, so you need to resort to tricks like "draw me how you feel" less often. Although written with another purpose in mind, Never Split the Difference also emphasises over and over how to acknowledge what people are feeling without adding judgment.
- letharion 5y ago
  I want to second this. All the answers to the OP that pop into my head can be learned from the How to talk so kids will listen series.
awb 5y ago
The book Non-violent Communication is a great way to “do no harm” in challenging conversations. As for practicing empathy and compassion I think real world experience is key. Check out anything to do with “authentic relating”. Here’s a group that offers online and in person classes: https://authenticrelating.co/ https://authenticrelating.co/ But empathy and compassion has to be there naturally (which I’m sure it is as it sounds like you’re empathizing with your friend’s situation that they don’t feel safe sharing with you). The tools above will just help you feel into what’s already there.
- drewcoo 5y ago
  I find NVC to be harmful and passive aggressive when wielded by some people. Any time we talk empathy it can turn into "what someone else just knows you're thinking" and the slippery slope into thought policing. And I've only heard of NVC folks using that. Personally, I prefer what can be demonstrably shown via past behavior combined with a sense of charity.
  - hughrr 5y ago
    It’s even worse for some people. They promote that they read it which gives them undue credibility for their unpalatable ways of operating.
  - WA 5y ago
    I find NVC silly, because how you pronounce something matters more than the exact words used: https://learningenglish.voanews.com/amp/a-simple-sentence-with-seven-meanings/4916769.html https://learningenglish.voanews.com/amp/a-simple-sentence-wi...
  - pell 5y ago
    I think NVC is a dangerous tool in the wrong hands (or mouth if you will). Or to put it a bit more fairly: I think, it’s easy to miss some of the nuance when reading the book and applying its principles without proper nuance. One of its cornerstones are reflections of the other party’s comments and feelings. Yet statements which are meant to display empathy can sound rather condescending. In an agitated state I might consider the following to be the verbal version of a middle finger: “Okay, so what I’m hearing is you’re angry because I broke my promise to you.” And the book is filled with such examples. That said, NVC can be a really powerful tool if used with proper delicacy however. The idea of listening, reflecting verbally what and that you heard and then speaking from your perspective with clear markers without aggression can be a very strong way of having challenging conversations.
onion2k 5y ago
I'd start with "non-violent communication" by Marshall Rosenberg. It's a communication technique. There's a book, but there's also a YouTube video that's a very good starting point. https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
learningmore 5y ago
I enjoyed this TED talk from Michael Bungay Stanier about giving advice. It isn’t exactly what you are looking for, but it focuses on how important it is to listen to people: https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_bungay_stanier_how_to_tame_your_advice_monster?language=en https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_bungay_stanier_how_to_tame...
volfied 5y ago
My therapist has given me this worksheet, which helped me immensely in my relationships with friends and my wife. https://www.wichita.edu/academics/fairmount_college_of_liberal_arts_and_sciences/psychology/Clinic/DEAR.MAN.GIVE.FAST.Worksheet.pdf https://www.wichita.edu/academics/fairmount_college_of_liber...
- navalsaini 5y ago
  Thanks for sharing this one.
- rramadass 5y ago
  Nice! Simple and to the Point! Anymore you can share?
chasil 5y ago
The four noble truths (as I see them): All of life is sorrow. Escape from sorrow exists. Escape from sorrow is attainable. Escape from sorrow is Nirvana. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths
- navalsaini 5y ago
  That's not true for everyone. I don't have an all happy or all sorrowful life. Same as I don't always make profits or always losses in market transactions.
esbeeb 5y ago
Meditation, of course. The Brahmavihara of Karuna (compassion) is exactly what you are looking for here.
- esbeeb 5y ago
  As to a book recommendation, the Buddha's "Early Buddhist Texts" (of the Pali Canon) are highly recommended. There's a lot of material there, but well worth reading, IMHO.
- rramadass 5y ago
  1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brahmavihara https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brahmavihara 2) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karu%E1%B9%87%C4%81 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karu%E1%B9%87%C4%81
drewcoo 5y ago
First ask why. Both tongue in cheek and for real. If you don't know why, ask someone else.
wly_cdgr 5y ago
Read high quality fiction
mettamage 5y ago
Search Inside Yourself by Chade-Meng Tan I learned a meditation from there called Tonglen. It’s hardcore. I have only done it a few times in my life but it really made me want to help alleviate suffering from other people a lot more after doing that a few times. The whole book is also littered with scientific studies about meditation. So it can explain things clearly to very sceptical minds, like mine ;)
- rramadass 5y ago
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen
crate_barre 5y ago
I’ve burned bridges by sharing too much with people all of a sudden. Baggage dropping on others all of a sudden is overwhelming for both sides. The listening party feels overwhelmed and unable to help and recedes into ‘please get professional help’, and the speaking party recedes into guilt and shame and thinks ‘I should have never told you anything’. It takes a relationship where things can be off loaded in more manageable pieces. Boundaries are easier to set as well when both sides only move a few inches in each direction. If you are given too much info, you’ll just punt the football back 50 yards into ‘I can’t deal with all of this’. With all that said, very few average people have the incentive to take on something like this. You would need an intimate relationship, but even there, even parents, best friends or SO’s can be overwhelmed. Don’t even try this shit with coworkers. But if you must, you have to keep the topics very scoped and piecemeal. Just like project management. I am speaking mostly from the baggage-dropping side.
rramadass 5y ago
Buddhism to the Rescue! In particular; you may find the Tibetan Lojong (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong) practices very helpful; 1) Mind Training: The Great Collection translated by Thupten Jinpa. - A large collection of Texts. 2) Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life translated by Thupten Jinpa - A subset of texts from The Great Collection above. 3) Words of My Perfect Teacher: A Complete Translation of a Classic Introduction to Tibetan Buddhism by Patrul Rinpoche - Relevant instruction manual. Empathy, Compassion, Comfort require fundamental changes to one's psyche and behaviour to be authentic and this is where the above texts are helpful. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.
- macg333 5y ago
  I agree with this comment! Also, Anger by Thicht Naht Hanh focuses a lot on the concept of compassionate listening.
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newbie789 5y ago
throwaway81523 5y ago
Maybe this? https://khn.org/news/efforts-to-instill-empathy-among-doctors-is-paying-dividends/ https://khn.org/news/efforts-to-instill-empathy-among-doctor...
fontenot-jon 5y ago
if you have to ask...you need to stay the fuck away from other people before you get somebody killed. dont leave your fuking cubicle son of sam
- dang 5y ago
  We've banned this account for repeatedly breaking the site guidelines. Not cool. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
immy 5y ago
How Can I Help? by Ram Dass
trabant00 5y ago
In our current culture some traits are considered positive while others negative. Compassionate - positive, judgemental - negative. I think this is wrong, they are both neutral. And I think trying to maximize one and minimize the other can have detrimental effects on one's quality of life. Listen to people. When they tell you they don't want to share in most cases you really don't want to know or have anything to do with what they don't want to share. Especially if you have intentions that basically sum up to a savior complex. They have information that you don't and based on that they decided it will not help your relation to get into that. Why not just accept that?
CPLX 5y ago
Really listen to people. Like really, genuinely, listen. Try to remove (or reserve) all your instincts to judge or evaluate their actions and just focus on listening to people with the premise that their problems, to them, are just as real and important to them as yours are to you. Remember that essentially all people have a personal narrative where they are the aggrieved hero of the story trying to do the right thing while challenged by outside forces. Try to listen and understand how and why they feel that way about themselves. They’ll be able to tell.
jesterson 5y ago
I'd suggest to visit places outside of your usual circle. It doesn't necessarily has to be India or Vietnam - try to visit local churches if you haven't done so yet, local communities, areas where homeless people live, something like that. Try to see different people and communities. I'll risk and say books will not help you develop those qualities but teach you how to look like you have them. It's not the same. To feel it you need to see the world outside of comfortable shell.
WaxedChewbacca 5y ago
makach 5y ago
Try reading the Bible. I see someone already mentioned the golden rule (Do unto others as you would have others do unto you) it is what I am familiar with, be it science, science fiction or fantasy, some of the contents is still valid and good practice regardless of what I believe.
- deleted 5y ago
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totetsu 5y ago
This might also be one of those things that you have to accept that can't be done consistently well. Although there's probably many ways you can pick up to not do it badly.
rukuu001 5y ago
- Active listening - No judging The active listening you can learn from books (there are good book recommendations here already). No judging is just practice (or if you prefer, practice _suspending judgement_)
- MrYellowP 5y ago
  Judging is fine. It's input from your brain regarding the patterns of the other person. Judging is important especially because it could be right. You miss out on information if you try to suppress, or ignore it. Not judging isn't really actually natural. What you do with it, THAT's what can create problems. Emotionally immature people who judge and act on that, those are stupid. I don't care if the person next to me is a jew, black, chinese, a fucking nazi, as long as he doesn't bother me or piss off anyone else. Yes, even fucking nazis. There's actually decent (it's a long stretch, but yeah) nazis out there and I tolerate them as "normal people" as long as they don't start talking about it, trying to spread their bullshit. Would it be weird sitting next to one? Yeah! Do I have to respect his rights as long as he doesn't - directly or indirectly - try interfering with mine/others? Yeah!
  - krageon 5y ago
    > There's actually decent [...] nazis This is literally impossible, you cannot be a decent human when you think others are subhuman because they are coloured a different shade from you. If you're willing to ignore that, that's your prerogative. But don't sell that as "well they're decent humans when you get to know them!" because this is fundamentally impossible.
jrumbut 5y ago
> Someone told me that they were afraid to share their vulnerabilities with me because they feared I might not be comforting or even give them more anxiety. When we see someone we care about suffering we want to be everything they need, but that's not always possible. I applaud your plan to work on your ability to comfort and express compassion and hope you find the growth you're looking for, but I just wanted to point out that listening skills and communication strategies may not be the issue here. For instance, my wife and I can't always understand each other's work problems because we have very different jobs. Meanwhile my boss might be the most compassionate person on earth but I would be uncomfortable discussing personal problems with him.
MrYellowP 5y ago
Books don't teach you how to be a decent human being. At best they teach you how to fake being a decent human being. To learn, you actually need to go through hard times yourself. There is no understanding of others unless you can empathize. That way you learn. You think you can learn this from books, but it'll end up with you following a scheme you've learned from a book, which does not enable you to magically have empathy. You'll just learn how to fake it. Instead of a book, I recommend talking to a professional about this.
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jmyeet 5y ago
A good place to start is just to STFU. This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems. In these sorts of situations, people often aren't looking for solutions. They're just looking to get something off their chest. So just STFU and listen and resist the urge (if you have it) to "fix" the problem. I would guess this is what you're doing if people are feeling anxious about opening up this way with you because those solutions aren't what they are looking for and it just creates more stress. The person can feel attacked, like they're being forced to justify how they feel.
- tlrobinson 5y ago
  > This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
- borski 5y ago
  My magic words for this are simply “tell me more.” Eventually, by listening actively, I can put myself in their shoes and empathize. And once they’ve talked it out, if they even need help, I ask if they want it and are open to it. If they say no, all good! If they say yes, then we can dive in. This has taken me many years to get better at, and I still suck at it, but it’s improved for sure.
- roenxi 5y ago
  I do agree with the advice but I think the natural next-problem is someone is they'll follow it and end up sitting mutely nodding and listening for 20 minutes, then get disheartened because that is obviously not working well. Being quiet is good but it has to be a component in a broader strategy. The point is still to help people solve their problems; just to have humility enough to realise that it is impossible to know what someone's problems are until they have told you. Guessing other people's problems has a bad success rate. I think the really enlightened strategy is understanding that everyone wants everyone around them to be successful and then being effective at bringing that out into the open and welding a community together.
ochronus 5y ago
Let me start with stating the obvious: it's really great you want to improve this skill! The world needs much more of it. Non-violent communication and Active Listening come to mind immediately - I'd recommend a course for the former over books. There's a lineage of coaches in that field who are really great. I've written an intro to active listening, not a book, but hopefully can inspire you: https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/ https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/
dt5702 5y ago
Radical candour is a great book for learning about this sort of thing regardless of setting. https://www.radicalcandor.com/ https://www.radicalcandor.com/
ahmaman 5y ago
People crave the feeling of being understood without judgement. To me, being compassionate is to show people real understanding. Few techniques that I found helpful: - Actively listening. Keeping any input you might have till the end. - Repeat what you understood back to people - mirroring. - Ask open-ended questions. Just be genuinely curious. Don't show any judgement. - Be vulnerable first for them to open up and share their vulnerability. - Often the solution is just listening. Suggest solutions only when explicitly asked for. As mentioned by others, Non-violent Communication is an amazing book about the subject. A comment about the book NVC. Often people get stuck in the implementation details of the book's recommended way of communicating. When X happens I feel Y, could you Z? But there is so much more to it than that. One needs to be self-aware. To know more precisely: a) What actually happened, seeing reality as it is without their interpretation. b) What they are feeling c) What needs do they have d) Concrete actions to resolve a conflict How these things are communicated is important but still, but the awareness of these components is often overseen. That is why meditation is often recommended. It is easier to be a better communicator if you are more aware of your feelings, thoughts, and your current environment. Really being present.
elorant 5y ago
Time does that. As you grow older and you experience loss and failures you start being more sympathetic to other people’s problems because you can correlate to a similar experience.
rutierut 5y ago
If you really want to fix it, take the AoA connection course with someone close to you. It will probably be pretty tough, a lot of people drop out, but it sounds like exactly what you need. It's unreasonably effective and is heavy on the integration, not just theory.
noduerme 5y ago
You only get someone to talk about their vulnerabilities if you can be honest about your own. Some bad things happened to you - some things that weren't fair, made you feel weak. Just like her. It's hard to talk about them for you, just like it's hard for her to talk about hers. But telling a girl you love (do you love her?) what happened to you doesn't make you weak. Being able to talk about it is a strength, not a weakness; just like forgiveness is not weakness either. You gotta forgive her beforehand for everything she'll ever say to you. Then you can start by sharing yours, the hard beats you took in life and every time you were humiliated by someone else -- those are what are called your "vulnerabilities" -- and don't expect anything back from her. You better treat her like a friend who you can tell anything to, who you know won't judge you. And if you're honest, she'll tell you hers when she's ready. And you never, ever judge her for it.
antics9 5y ago
As someone already said, firstly: STFU, be attentive and listen. You need to understand when it is a one way or two way communication. When the other person is having a monologue and is sharing something concerning to them, or even just some neutral event that happened during the day, you just listen attentively like you would when listening to someone reading a book for you. Then you stay within a "tell me more" response. When the situation requires a dialogue, however, you stay within the proximity of shared experiences. Here you don't venture into advice space unless the other part explicitly requests that.
- gepiti 5y ago
  Many years ago a plane crash killed many residents of a Swiss village. The government sent a Psychologist to assist with the mourning and loss but nobody wanted to talk to him. However, everybody accepted the village Priest in their homes. So the Psychologist asked the Priest: "What do you tell them?" and the answer was "Nothing. I just sit there with them in silence".
ThinkBeat 5y ago
I will voice a probably unpopular response. Note: This "use case" is written if the OP has to handle someone suffering from traumatic experiences that can be considered out the norm and even extreme. My only credentials is that I have spent a lot of time in psychiatric care and in hospitals. It is quite helpful to have been there and done that. Both specifically and in a larger sense. It is hard to understand the mindset and the internals of having to deal with something highly traumatic unless you have experienced it yourself. You can learn about it from reading a book sure but it is at an abstract. It doesn't fill the colors, the anguish, the sights you cant get rid of. Exposure and repetition can also help. If you are a psychologist who have worked with people in deep despair over time and multiple cases you can start to put more puzzle pieces together. If you ask if a person "wants to talk about it" and the person says no. No means no. Try to find some activity or topic entirely unrelated, or just give the person space. If someone does want to talk about it. Sit down, shut up, clear your brain, and listen closely. Be prepared for what might be a horrible story. Be prepared for details you would prefer not to hear. Be prepared for crying, angry outbursts. Platitudes can help and can be destructive. Depending on the person. Sometimes it can help if the person is responsive. Sometimes it can spike anger. If the person responds negatively just stop with the platitudes full stop.. Then listen closely, imagine where the person is mentally, mostly keep quiet but see if you can say something relevant to where the person is. Overall it takes time. Not just a conversation. Many conversations, Always wait until the person seems to indicate further interaction, . Dont nag about it. That is unwise.
yuzuquat 5y ago
There are a lot of comments here that tell you to listen and to give your focus to the other individual. To give this a bit more specificity, I would highly recommend learning how to paraphrase and mirror (https://counseling.education/counseling/skills/reflecting.html https://counseling.education/counseling/skills/reflecting.ht...). It took me a long time to recognize this, but now that I do, I see it everywhere in empathetic individuals. To put it simply, summarizing the other individual's emotion and telling it back to them ("that sounds like a stressful situation") without offering solutions helps the other party feel heard. What's also been really helpful for me was when I began seeing a therapist. These are skilled professionals, and if you listen carefully, you can hear how they craft their words to foster connection. You might be able to take inspiration from the way they lead and listen during conversations.
Blackstone4 5y ago
Listen, ask open questions like "how does that make you feel?" then things like "I am sorry to hear that", "do you want a hug?", "how long have you been feeling this way?"...passing no judgement nor offering a solution. Only listening, empathizing and being there. Giving people space to share is important so giving them time to gather their thoughts and form sentences helps.
MattPalmer1086 5y ago
My wife is near to completing a degree in person centred counselling. The core tenet of this approach is that the counsellor is not an expert in the client, the client is. One of the main things a counsellor must do is offer Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). Essentially this is being non judgemental, and unconditionally warm, allowing the client to explore their own feelings. Sounds simple, but I can testify that it can be hard to achieve, particularly when the client is expressing things that therapist finds uncomfortable or disagrees with.
locuscoeruleus 5y ago
Many of the replies so far seem to focus on what you can do for others. What about taking the opposite perspective. How do you relate to your own vulnerabilities? How do you comfort yourself when things are bad or you made a mistake? Do you have patience for your own vulnerabilities or do go directly to self-flagellation for your short comings? If you do the latter, start by fixing this within yourself and how you respond to others will follow naturally.
WithinReason 5y ago
Maybe the reason they told you this is because you gave them the impression of being a judgemental person. Maybe you criticise and judge people often?
MrAwesome 5y ago
This book helped me learn how to be a better listener, I highly recommend it: The Lost Art of Listening, by Michael P. Nichols https://www.audible.com/pd/B01M0D1LT5?source_code=ASSOR150021921000V https://www.audible.com/pd/B01M0D1LT5?source_code=ASSOR15002...
navalsaini 5y ago
Thanks for all the amazing responses. I will slowly go over them, use the suggestions and pick a book to read. TY~
setgree 5y ago
I liked Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" a lot. I think the basic idea is on the money: that to connect with other people, we first must identify our own needs, how they are or are not being met, and learn to express those needs in a non-judgemental, non-accusatory way. So, if someone shares something personal and upsetting with you, let's say you feel anxious (which led to your friend feeling anxious): that's ok! you're having a very natural reaction to a stressful stimuli. But instead of betraying that feeling in your face and a shift in tone, instead try to observe it, acknowledge it head-on, and identify its causes, e.g. "when you told me [X],I noticed that I felt anxious, and I think I am looking for some clarity. Would you mind telling me more about [Y]?" That's a simple version, but in general, I found it very helpful for connecting to others. For a previous HN thread on NVC: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21263894 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21263894
zthrowaway 5y ago
Religion.
thenerdhead 5y ago
Here's an ancient piece of advice. 2 ears, 1 mouth. Listen more than you speak. Make conversations about them, not you. You do that through listening more than talking. As for book recommendations: Brene Brown, Stoicism (Meditations, Letters, etc), How To Win Friends And Influence People, Robert Greene, and many many more.
fbrncci 5y ago
Start with Metta https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitr%C4%AB https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maitr%C4%AB
s2th4d 5y ago
Also, a book is only passive learning, so depending on your learning style, it May not prepare you enough for real world interaction. Look into experiential learning, like taking a communications class. Toastmasters is also good. As others have mentioned, active listening... stop trying to solve the problem and just listen to what they are saying, hang on every word, and check in with them every once in a while, just to see how they are or just to see if what you're hearing is what they are saying.
claireyuw 5y ago
tucaz 5y ago
Anatomy of Peace and Leadership and Self Deception by the Arbinger institute. If you read it and it doesn’t change your life you ping me and I will refund you the money you paid for it.

gnicholas 5y ago

I've heard of NVC several times here on HN, and whenever I've looked into it I've come away with the following conclusion: This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it. But it seems like it would be ineffective and/or annoying to people who are not familiar with it or do not believe in it. I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situations in which it is more likely to work well? Are there tenets from NVC that work universally, regardless of the disposition of the people involved?

KerryJones 5y ago
As someone in a community where NVC is highly valued, I agree with this. I think there are some standard good principles out there that are non-specific to NVC, but many of the people who study NVC seem to have their equal share of problems those who don't, and those who don't still have their fair share. There are many "systems" of communication. Another one is the book Crucial Conversations and many online courses. Similar, there are some things that will work everywhere, but a lot that doesn't seem to go so smooth. There are certain other things that pretty much universally help (listening to another person, for instance). Not being aggressive with your words, keeping yourself calm. The best luck I've seen is learning a style of communication and then sharing it with those who matter.
immy 5y ago
One can practice NVC while the other starts out wanting to fight.
jazzyjackson 5y ago
Having it introduced to a coop housing situation, it just gave us one more thing to disagree about. Always comes off as patronizing / condescending, but maybe I never met someone who was good at it. I think Bojack Horseman parodied it well, it just made the same arguments more verbose.
roenxi 5y ago
NVC is a relatively complicated framework because it calls on people to distinguish between what they think is obviously true ("you must be thinking this!") from what is actually true ("you did this, this and this and I felt that") in a more objective world. But at the end of the day it is a framework for clear, effective communication that guides the practitioner to: 1) Ask for things that they might be given. 2) To investigate how other people are responding to what they observe. If NVC doesn't work with a communication partner, the next best option is not to communicate. Other strategies are basically forced to either ask for things that can't be given and to ignore other people's responses. Neither of those is a clever approach to relationships. Non sequiter, but addressing a common mistake, it isn't "Nice, Nonviolent Communication". In theory it'd be possible to tell someone that you're about to murder them while still applying the NVC principles. It is misnamed.
krageon 5y ago
As with all communication methods, it just fundamentally works better (or at all) if you're already charismatic. And when you are already there, the form you use for conversation does not matter - all that matters is that the other party feels heard. Sadly, you cannot train charisma. In situations where you have a gathering of people with very little charisma and they're all trying to not hate each other, it just won't work. Because nothing will work - this is how groups of people are. That said, I would never say that in a work context. In a work context I would tell two people with a conflict that they cannot solve together to request mediation from someone that I already know is charismatic :)
Glench 5y ago
> This seems like something that might work if all involved were using it. Read the book! There's a story of someone using it successfully while someone is literally physically attacking them (and it stops the attack). > I'd be curious to hear from people who have used NVC techniques with the uninitiated. Are there situations in which it is more likely to work well? Are there tenets from NVC that work universally, regardless of the disposition of the people involved? Compassionate listening and communicating your needs clearly are skills that are useful in all situations. NVC is just one nice framework for that.

NicoJuicy 5y ago

Yep, STFU is the way to go. I would note that some people claim they don't want to talk about private things, while they actually want to talk about it. In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off". And additionally, I mention that if they don't want to talk about it, just say "It's private or that it doesn't concern me and I won't ask anymore". In general, I overthink those thinks and too quickly think that it's something with me related. I think mentioning that they can say: "it doesn't concern you" makes me more comfortable that it's not related to me and that they don't want to talk about it too.

jmyeet 5y ago
> In general, I pickup incredibly quick when something is off and I mostly just ask flat out: "Is something the matter, since something seems off". Often I think this is unnecessarily confrontational and it can come off as aggressive. Here are three useful "hacks" for humans: 1. Just sit there and say nothing. People naturally want to fill that empty void so will start talking. Just engage on whatever subject they bring up; or 2. Alternatively, make a general uncontroversial statement. This has to be tailored to the situation. Your interests, their interests and context. Something like "I can't believe how crazy the NFL postseason was this year"; or 3. Ask a noncontroversial question. Yes/no questions tend to be worse than non-binary questions. A good template here is "How do you feel about X?" where X isn't something like "Trump" but is more like "boneless wings being chicken nuggets".
- NicoJuicy 5y ago
  Well, I do agree that it's somewhat confronting, but it get's results pretty fast. A lot of it really depends on how you say the: "If it's private, just say stfu and I will not ask anymore". It can be funny and disarming. It means that you want to know what is going on and that they should have no problems with saying that they don't want to talk about it. It doesn't translate well to written text. In a lot of cases, you don't need to follow-up anymore and they will talk from their own. They are aware that you won't ask anymore, without them going forward on initiating the talk.