22 ms·

I definitely don't want to go back to the social convention of feeling like I have to shake hands every time I meet someone. It went away once Covid hit, but I

I definitely don't want to go back to the social convention of feeling like I have to shake hands every time I meet someone. It went away once Covid hit, but I have a feeling it will come creeping back. Anyone had luck turning down handshakes without coming across as rude, particularly in a business setting? I've found it easier to turn down using self-deprecating humor in a social setting.

imwillofficial 5y ago
Famous speakers I’ve meet have intercepted the handshake with a fist bump in my pre Covid days.
foobarian 5y ago
At least we don't have the unfortunate custom of two opposite cheek kisses like the Italians. Boy was that awkward when I realized people here thought I was some kind of Borat weirdo.
- ithkuil 5y ago
  Wait to see places where you have to give three kisses!
moron4hire 5y ago
I used to tell people my carpal tunnel was too bad to do handshakes. Or sometimes I'd tell them I had just sneezed on my hand. There was one guy I just flat out told, "I'm not going to shake your hand". Ex-coworker, was never polite to me when we were working together, actively sabotaged my tenure there, had the nerve to look hurt.
- DiggyJohnson 5y ago
  Not trying to start a flamewar on anything, but that seems very unprofessional/counter-productive, so I'm just trying to understand your thought process here. Do you have a phobia of physical touch? I shake the hands of departing coworkers even if we have a cool relationship. It's a simple, polite, no-frills way of saying "goodbye". You're not giving them grace or anything. Is it not more difficult to refuse and say "I'm not going to shake your hand" than it is to shake and move on? If they were impolite, you come across as hostile. Just curious for more details.
  - moron4hire 5y ago
    I don't usually avoid handshakes, but I don't offer them, either. Handshakes are very culturally specific. I've learned to not assume everyone wants a handshake. For example, I've met several Muslim women who felt uncomfortable shaking hands with men, but often felt obligated to reciprocate. In my current job, I run into so many people of so many different cultures that it's best to stay on the safe side and avoid putting someone in such a situation. And while I don't have a phobia of most physical touch, there are people who use the handshake as an excuse to take a hug. When I identify those people, I try to avoid the hand shake. "Sorry, I'm just a hugger" is not an excuse for violating someone's personal space. I'm not a "hugger". If I don't know you, don't touch me in that overly familiar way. As for the guy I flat-out refused: it was a game night organized by some of my ex-colleagues, about 50/50 a mix of people who were still at the company and folks like me who were no longer there. This guy was not invited but somehow found out about it and crashed the party. Part of why I was no longer with the company was because he had decided he didn't like that I had taken leave when my 2nd child was born and went out of his way to keep me from getting assigned to projects and even tanked a successful project that I was building. I also think "professionalism" is highly overrated, especially when people use "professionalism for thee, but not for me" to stymie backlash against their toxic behavior. In the grand scheme of things, he's a nobody. That's not to say I'm a "somebody", but rather I don't think refusing his handshake is going to have any kind of impact on my career.
- gowld 5y ago
  > "I'm not going to shake your hand". That only had the intended effect because you constrasted it against handshaking. It wouldn't work if you didn't touch anyone.
- klyrs 5y ago
  > Or sometimes I'd tell them I had just sneezed on my hand. How many people pick their noses when nobody is watching, and don't wash their hands?
  - moron4hire 5y ago
    Sit at a busy traffic intersection sometime and just watch people in their cars. It's a lot.
    - commandlinefan 5y ago
      Watch how many men leave public restrooms without washing their hands, too.
dahfizz 5y ago
I normally just go for a fist bump if they put their hand out for a handshake, and they almost always oblige. I don't find myself in formal business situations often, though.
raxxorrax 5y ago
Never understood what problem people have with shaking hands.
- kayodelycaon 5y ago
  Never understood the problem people have with hugs… Everyone has a different level of physical touch they desire and a level that they are comfortable with.
  - unfocussed_mike 5y ago
    I honestly lament that the hugging culture in my wider social circle has probably permanently gone away (if that social circle ever really recovers, considering it was built around small venue music and art). The permanent loss of warmth in my life is very noticeable.
    - moron4hire 5y ago
      - deleted 5y ago
        [deleted]
      - rhacker 5y ago
        That is a pretty rude comment. What is this person foisting on other people?
      - unfocussed_mike 5y ago
        OK then.
  - klyrs 5y ago
    Hugs are great! But, where dudes can be creepy with a handshake, a hug is much more vulnerable. Hugs are for trusted friends.
- 5y ago
DiggyJohnson 5y ago
I miss handshakes. As a young male, I value a convention that requires men to be in contact with one another, and to look each other in the eyes. I've taken to fistbumps, but I miss handshakes. I also despise the idea of everyone being on different wavelengths regarding greeting gestures for the next 15 years. I don't want to be a part of this friction! This problem isn't going to keep me from being happy, or putting food on the table, but a lot of good work started with shared trust and a handshake.
- gowld 5y ago
  > requires men to be in contact with one another, and to look each other in the eyes. Why? That favors con artists over honestly nervous people.
  - 7steps2much 5y ago
    I can only speak for myself, but it's nice to have physical contact with people. An easy way to battle the touch starvation
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    - moron4hire 5y ago
      Why do you need physical touch from relative strangers?
      - kerneloftruth 5y ago
        When you don't want them to remain strangers.
      - simonsarris 5y ago
        I'm baffled at how millennia old* rituals involved with no-longer-being-strangers are lost on some commenters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Funerary_stele_of_Thraseas_and_Euandria_Antikensammlung_Berlin_01.jpg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Funerary_stele_of_Thrasea... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:OTArsameiaSockelIIIDexiosis.jpg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:OTArsameiaSockelIIIDexios...
throwaway22032 5y ago
I don't consider people who refuse to shake my hand to be rude. Generally I consider them to be hypochondriacs. This places them directly in opposition to me, because it strongly correlates with their likelihood to be in the 'cus covid' clan. In that case, there is no way to avoid being rude, because the reason you don't want to do the thing is precisely the reason I _do_ want to, as a show of resistance against antisocial behaviours.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- wonderwonder 5y ago
  exactly, its also very important to me that I judge individuals over a single polarizing issue and discard anything else that makes them a human. My reaction to other peoples opinion on that issue also totally makes everyone else a whacko and not me. /S
  - throwaway22032 5y ago
    Refusing a handshake is an action, it's not an opinion. I don't really care what opinions my friends and business contacts hold, but if their actions show that they're afraid of even touching me then like, we're just not going to get on, what's the point? Call it a day, plenty of fish.
- Cd00d 5y ago
  I don't think it's helpful to make assumptions about the reason for someone's personal preference or comfort and then to deny them the respect of empathy. If you're rude because you jump to the conclusion that I "irrationally" fear covid, you may need to consider that you're at risk of radicalization. Just a thought.
  - throwaway22032 5y ago
    If conservatism is radical to you, that's cool by me. At the end of the day, we don't need to agree.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
DoreenMichele 5y ago
I have a serious medical condition. I rarely shake hands because of it. I get sick easily and avoiding exposure to germs is an important means for me to stay off drugs and out of the ER. I work from home. My life is online, so I mostly just avoid the issue. To whatever degree you can handle things by phone or Zoom or whatever, that's one means to make it less of an issue. When I have had to meet people, I have successfully turned down handshakes at times. Body language can sometimes help sidestep the question. Not sure how to explain that but just don't be "open" to it and some people won't offer their hand. If they offer and I must decline, I'm polite, warm, friendly and assure them "It's not you. It's me." Practice makes perfect. The first few times may feel awkward but it gets better.

imwillofficial 5y ago

Famous speakers I’ve meet have intercepted the handshake with a fist bump in my pre Covid days.

foobarian 5y ago

At least we don't have the unfortunate custom of two opposite cheek kisses like the Italians. Boy was that awkward when I realized people here thought I was some kind of Borat weirdo.

ithkuil 5y ago
Wait to see places where you have to give three kisses!

moron4hire 5y ago

I used to tell people my carpal tunnel was too bad to do handshakes. Or sometimes I'd tell them I had just sneezed on my hand. There was one guy I just flat out told, "I'm not going to shake your hand". Ex-coworker, was never polite to me when we were working together, actively sabotaged my tenure there, had the nerve to look hurt.

DiggyJohnson 5y ago
Not trying to start a flamewar on anything, but that seems very unprofessional/counter-productive, so I'm just trying to understand your thought process here. Do you have a phobia of physical touch? I shake the hands of departing coworkers even if we have a cool relationship. It's a simple, polite, no-frills way of saying "goodbye". You're not giving them grace or anything. Is it not more difficult to refuse and say "I'm not going to shake your hand" than it is to shake and move on? If they were impolite, you come across as hostile. Just curious for more details.
- moron4hire 5y ago
  I don't usually avoid handshakes, but I don't offer them, either. Handshakes are very culturally specific. I've learned to not assume everyone wants a handshake. For example, I've met several Muslim women who felt uncomfortable shaking hands with men, but often felt obligated to reciprocate. In my current job, I run into so many people of so many different cultures that it's best to stay on the safe side and avoid putting someone in such a situation. And while I don't have a phobia of most physical touch, there are people who use the handshake as an excuse to take a hug. When I identify those people, I try to avoid the hand shake. "Sorry, I'm just a hugger" is not an excuse for violating someone's personal space. I'm not a "hugger". If I don't know you, don't touch me in that overly familiar way. As for the guy I flat-out refused: it was a game night organized by some of my ex-colleagues, about 50/50 a mix of people who were still at the company and folks like me who were no longer there. This guy was not invited but somehow found out about it and crashed the party. Part of why I was no longer with the company was because he had decided he didn't like that I had taken leave when my 2nd child was born and went out of his way to keep me from getting assigned to projects and even tanked a successful project that I was building. I also think "professionalism" is highly overrated, especially when people use "professionalism for thee, but not for me" to stymie backlash against their toxic behavior. In the grand scheme of things, he's a nobody. That's not to say I'm a "somebody", but rather I don't think refusing his handshake is going to have any kind of impact on my career.
gowld 5y ago
> "I'm not going to shake your hand". That only had the intended effect because you constrasted it against handshaking. It wouldn't work if you didn't touch anyone.
klyrs 5y ago
> Or sometimes I'd tell them I had just sneezed on my hand. How many people pick their noses when nobody is watching, and don't wash their hands?
- moron4hire 5y ago
  Sit at a busy traffic intersection sometime and just watch people in their cars. It's a lot.
  - commandlinefan 5y ago
    Watch how many men leave public restrooms without washing their hands, too.

dahfizz 5y ago

I normally just go for a fist bump if they put their hand out for a handshake, and they almost always oblige. I don't find myself in formal business situations often, though.

raxxorrax 5y ago

Never understood what problem people have with shaking hands.

kayodelycaon 5y ago
Never understood the problem people have with hugs… Everyone has a different level of physical touch they desire and a level that they are comfortable with.
- unfocussed_mike 5y ago
  I honestly lament that the hugging culture in my wider social circle has probably permanently gone away (if that social circle ever really recovers, considering it was built around small venue music and art). The permanent loss of warmth in my life is very noticeable.
  - moron4hire 5y ago
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    - rhacker 5y ago
      That is a pretty rude comment. What is this person foisting on other people?
    - unfocussed_mike 5y ago
      OK then.
- klyrs 5y ago
  Hugs are great! But, where dudes can be creepy with a handshake, a hug is much more vulnerable. Hugs are for trusted friends.
5y ago

DiggyJohnson 5y ago

I miss handshakes. As a young male, I value a convention that requires men to be in contact with one another, and to look each other in the eyes. I've taken to fistbumps, but I miss handshakes. I also despise the idea of everyone being on different wavelengths regarding greeting gestures for the next 15 years. I don't want to be a part of this friction! This problem isn't going to keep me from being happy, or putting food on the table, but a lot of good work started with shared trust and a handshake.

gowld 5y ago
> requires men to be in contact with one another, and to look each other in the eyes. Why? That favors con artists over honestly nervous people.
- 7steps2much 5y ago
  I can only speak for myself, but it's nice to have physical contact with people. An easy way to battle the touch starvation
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - moron4hire 5y ago
    Why do you need physical touch from relative strangers?
    - kerneloftruth 5y ago
      When you don't want them to remain strangers.
    - simonsarris 5y ago
      I'm baffled at how millennia old* rituals involved with no-longer-being-strangers are lost on some commenters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Funerary_stele_of_Thraseas_and_Euandria_Antikensammlung_Berlin_01.jpg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Funerary_stele_of_Thrasea... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:OTArsameiaSockelIIIDexiosis.jpg https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:OTArsameiaSockelIIIDexios...

throwaway22032 5y ago

I don't consider people who refuse to shake my hand to be rude. Generally I consider them to be hypochondriacs. This places them directly in opposition to me, because it strongly correlates with their likelihood to be in the 'cus covid' clan. In that case, there is no way to avoid being rude, because the reason you don't want to do the thing is precisely the reason I _do_ want to, as a show of resistance against antisocial behaviours.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
wonderwonder 5y ago
exactly, its also very important to me that I judge individuals over a single polarizing issue and discard anything else that makes them a human. My reaction to other peoples opinion on that issue also totally makes everyone else a whacko and not me. /S
- throwaway22032 5y ago
  Refusing a handshake is an action, it's not an opinion. I don't really care what opinions my friends and business contacts hold, but if their actions show that they're afraid of even touching me then like, we're just not going to get on, what's the point? Call it a day, plenty of fish.
Cd00d 5y ago
I don't think it's helpful to make assumptions about the reason for someone's personal preference or comfort and then to deny them the respect of empathy. If you're rude because you jump to the conclusion that I "irrationally" fear covid, you may need to consider that you're at risk of radicalization. Just a thought.
- throwaway22032 5y ago
  If conservatism is radical to you, that's cool by me. At the end of the day, we don't need to agree.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

DoreenMichele 5y ago

I have a serious medical condition. I rarely shake hands because of it. I get sick easily and avoiding exposure to germs is an important means for me to stay off drugs and out of the ER. I work from home. My life is online, so I mostly just avoid the issue. To whatever degree you can handle things by phone or Zoom or whatever, that's one means to make it less of an issue. When I have had to meet people, I have successfully turned down handshakes at times. Body language can sometimes help sidestep the question. Not sure how to explain that but just don't be "open" to it and some people won't offer their hand. If they offer and I must decline, I'm polite, warm, friendly and assure them "It's not you. It's me." Practice makes perfect. The first few times may feel awkward but it gets better.