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I am very on the fence for this. Please hear me out, I am not dismissing the extremely humane message -- I condone it fully! But one thing that is not said eno

I am very on the fence for this. Please hear me out, I am not dismissing the extremely humane message -- I condone it fully! But one thing that is not said enough is that your values are not the same for every period of your life. Good luck telling a 22-year old that they must prioritize spending time with their parents because life's too short. They'll just dismiss you in seconds. My father died when I was almost 22. I regret to this day, 20 years later, that I haven't spent more time with him during his last years but at the same time I realize it was impossible: he was too proud to admit the mistakes he made which hurt our family a lot, I was too awkward and shy back then to even initiate a conversation, and we lived in an awful and small rented apartment that me and my brother were paying for at the time. Dad couldn't look us in the eyes, he was so extremely ashamed that he couldn't pay the bills for the first time in his life that he even avoided us physically. But, hear me out: what good would it do if any of us FORCED ourselves to interact? I am not sure if any good would come out of it; maybe it would have even brought harm. It's awful to not be able to ever get an answer but at the same time I gradually made my peace with the fact that we all grow (and hopefully get wiser) with our own pace. This pace cannot be artificially accelerated. Only a tragedy can be a strong enough force to derail us from our convenient life and force us to rebuild our values. And that's IMO the point of the article (partially) as well: as you grow old, you experience tragedies and they realign you. Then you start appreciating the human part of life (family and close friends) more. But you can't do that before. And I don't think we should get anxiety over the fact that we can't have the values of a 60-year old when we're 40.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
itisit 5y ago
> And that's IMO the point of the article (partially) as well: as you grow old, you experience tragedies and they realign you. Then you start appreciating the human part of life (family and close friends) more. But you can't do that before. You can't do what before? Not everyone experiences the death of others in the same way nor on the same schedule.
- pdimitar 5y ago
  IMO you can't mature in an accelerated manner (save for a lot of personal tragedies; that tends to accelerate things indeed).
  - itisit 5y ago
    I understand you may have had your challenges, but I completely disagree with that opinion based on my personal experience and from what I've witnessed of countless others.
wilkommen 5y ago
Very well said. It’s part of life to reorganize your values, you can’t accelerate it to avoid regret.
pizza 5y ago
> Good luck telling a 22-year old that they must prioritize spending time with their parents because life's too short. They'll just dismiss you in seconds. Reason number 100 I’m glad I watched the film Ikiru in my 20s! Helped me realize what’s actually valuable
Spooky23 5y ago
Good points. Agree that forcing interactions would never be productive. But I would say that many times intertia and the worries of the moment are a big deal. You can’t mend every relationship, but you can tend to the ones you have. One of the regrets that I’ll always have is that for a few years, my dad and I worked in the same downtown area of our city, and we only got together for lunch a maybe a half dozen times. We had a great time when we did, but usually my schedule made it difficult. He passed away last year, and it occurred to me that the things that seemed so important at the time are trivial and forgotten today - having that hotdog together for 20 minutes would have been a much better use of time.
- pdimitar 5y ago
  I agree. The problem is only one: can we make ourselves able to see things differently beforehand? I found it near impossible so far and I am past 40 already.
  - Aeolun 5y ago
    I find it hard to consider that people that have been in my life since forever might die.
    - pdimitar 5y ago
      It's not easy for anyone to consider it. But it's a fact of life. Still, it's not something we should train ourselves for. When it comes, it comes, and you'll be equipped to deal with it.
BigHatLogan 5y ago
Nicely said. I've been thinking about this a lot too--how contextual advice is. Even if you and your father had a wonderful, sterling relationship, it would be odd if you spent the majority of your time with him when you were 22. I hope I'm not making too many assumptions here, but many (most?) 22-year-olds are probably {working, in college, in the military, doing something where family is not the main priority}. That's fine and expected, and I would even go so far as to say that's optimal. 22 is when you should be making friends, studying, working, doing [harmless] stupid things that get you in trouble, etc. Spending time with your family on weekends or holiday--and certainly catching up with them over the phone if you live far away--is excellent, but different parts of your life, different seasons of your life, call for different things. As you get older, you should "come home", so to speak. I don't mean literally, although that would be perfectly all right, but metaphorically--probably more check-ins with your family, more holidays with them, etc. But if you're 22 and spending New Years Eve with your best friends, I think that is more than acceptable.
- pdimitar 5y ago
  Yeah. Me and my brother were busting our arses off working back then, and father felt horribly about it because he left us nothing and he stopped working due to being way too ill. Life zooms by way too fast in such conditions and there's not much we can do about it.
  - BigHatLogan 5y ago
    Yeah, that is indeed a complicated situation. I'm glad you and your brother navigated through it, and that it seems you have reconciled some of your feelings towards him. Life really does zoom past--"Time just gets away from us."
- marttt 5y ago
  Agreed. I suppose someone losing his dad at 22 is, by and large, an anomaly in the welfare society. My dad died when I was 26. We had a really good, warm relationship, though: driving in his car, sitting side by side, not talking a single word for 30-45 minutes, and both still feeling good. (Occasionally, though, in the end, he would ask something like "So, ugh, have you considered who to become when you're an adult?" -- to which I replied, "Uh, I guess I have, yeah." In a few still seconds, he'd say, "Yeah. Good idea to think about that." Disclaimer: national stereotype of us, Estonian men, is that we speak around 6 sentences a year -- but even at that time, as a teenager, I liked this blissful silence a lot.) Then again, losing dad at a young age has surely influenced my own parenting. Basically, I gave up all my career ambitions just to be with the kids when they were (are) preschoolers. Prior to his death, work stuff was really going uphill for the 20-something me; now, I admit really struggling to get back on track again (I may have missed the career train for good). I have also noticed an internal mantra or meme: I need to raise my kids so they could cope (psychologically and in terms of hands-on survival skills) if one of their parents, or both of their parents, should die unexpectedly. To the previous poster and GP: thanks a lot for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I sometimes think that maybe me and my dad had no principal misunderstandings simply because he died too early for these to develop.
Zababa 5y ago
> Good luck telling a 22-year old that they must prioritize spending time with their parents because life's too short. They'll just dismiss you in seconds. Just to give another side of that, I'm 24, and chose to stay in the same city where my parents are living so that I can see them at least every week for a dinner, and sometimes more. My brother did the same after living in another city for a few years. Part of it is due to basically everyone over 30 telling how precious the time you spend with your parents is. Since I saw this everywhere, I reflected a bit more about my relationship with my parents, and found that spending time with them on a weekly basis fills me with happiness. Without lots of people insisting on it, I may have missed that. I had my studies, had to look for a job, take care of my mental health, friends, hobbies. My parents didn't always have the place they deserve within my mind, and now, partially thanks to posts and comments like that, they do. So to everyone that talked about the importance of parents, thank you. I can't guarantee that I read your specific comment or article, but you are part of something that added some happiness and removed regrets from my life.
- ido 5y ago
  I'm 38 and had the same experience - not specifically about my mother but about prioritizing spending time with my wife & children even when it seems my work needs my time & attention. Usually everything works out fine even if I occasionally leave early to pick up my kid from kindergarten in the afternoon. I was raised to prioritize work above all and it took years and many similar discussions and texts like the above to make me realize it's not what makes me happy.
techsin101 5y ago
people often say what advice would you give to yourself or if you travelled back in time what would you tell yourself, and really there is no profound wisdom to depart. Everything I have done is based on my current understanding which is not really complete. Like looking back I may regret I wish I'd have done xyz more, but then if I actually had been doing that I would be regretting something new.
- xattt 5y ago
  Perhaps this part of my ruminating inner voice, but I think my wisdom to myself would come in small nudges: stay away from here, pay attention to this, ask for help with that.
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  > Everything I have done is based on my current understanding which is not really complete. Sure, but that's what time traveller you brings to the table, some "future understanding". I would hope I would listen, deflect my trajectory somewhat at least.
  - techsin101 5y ago
    but that's the thing, my new understanding may make me miss out on certain things... example: i go back and tell myself, work hard and learn programming. I go 200% on it, but then when i do it i realize i feel i missed out on life becuz i listened to my future self. Future self doesn't have perfect memory and dont really knew what my past was feeling and had perspective.
- WalterBright 5y ago
  > if you travelled back in time what would you tell yourself Mortgage the house and invest it all in MSFT.
  - techsin101 5y ago
    financially there are very certain things I could tell - buy house in 2012 - buy bitcoin back then too - buy amazon stocks - short sell certain companies, i.e. blockbuster
JKCalhoun 5y ago
The "Walking Distance" episode of the original Twilight Zone is a classic. Captures you can't go back. But I have to say, I dearly want to hear what the elderly at the end of their lives have to say to us. Whether I act or not is up to me, but I want to hear their piece.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

itisit 5y ago

> And that's IMO the point of the article (partially) as well: as you grow old, you experience tragedies and they realign you. Then you start appreciating the human part of life (family and close friends) more. But you can't do that before. You can't do what before? Not everyone experiences the death of others in the same way nor on the same schedule.

pdimitar 5y ago
IMO you can't mature in an accelerated manner (save for a lot of personal tragedies; that tends to accelerate things indeed).
- itisit 5y ago
  I understand you may have had your challenges, but I completely disagree with that opinion based on my personal experience and from what I've witnessed of countless others.

wilkommen 5y ago

Very well said. It’s part of life to reorganize your values, you can’t accelerate it to avoid regret.

pizza 5y ago

> Good luck telling a 22-year old that they must prioritize spending time with their parents because life's too short. They'll just dismiss you in seconds. Reason number 100 I’m glad I watched the film Ikiru in my 20s! Helped me realize what’s actually valuable

Spooky23 5y ago

Good points. Agree that forcing interactions would never be productive. But I would say that many times intertia and the worries of the moment are a big deal. You can’t mend every relationship, but you can tend to the ones you have. One of the regrets that I’ll always have is that for a few years, my dad and I worked in the same downtown area of our city, and we only got together for lunch a maybe a half dozen times. We had a great time when we did, but usually my schedule made it difficult. He passed away last year, and it occurred to me that the things that seemed so important at the time are trivial and forgotten today - having that hotdog together for 20 minutes would have been a much better use of time.

pdimitar 5y ago
I agree. The problem is only one: can we make ourselves able to see things differently beforehand? I found it near impossible so far and I am past 40 already.
- Aeolun 5y ago
  I find it hard to consider that people that have been in my life since forever might die.
  - pdimitar 5y ago
    It's not easy for anyone to consider it. But it's a fact of life. Still, it's not something we should train ourselves for. When it comes, it comes, and you'll be equipped to deal with it.

BigHatLogan 5y ago

Nicely said. I've been thinking about this a lot too--how contextual advice is. Even if you and your father had a wonderful, sterling relationship, it would be odd if you spent the majority of your time with him when you were 22. I hope I'm not making too many assumptions here, but many (most?) 22-year-olds are probably {working, in college, in the military, doing something where family is not the main priority}. That's fine and expected, and I would even go so far as to say that's optimal. 22 is when you should be making friends, studying, working, doing [harmless] stupid things that get you in trouble, etc. Spending time with your family on weekends or holiday--and certainly catching up with them over the phone if you live far away--is excellent, but different parts of your life, different seasons of your life, call for different things. As you get older, you should "come home", so to speak. I don't mean literally, although that would be perfectly all right, but metaphorically--probably more check-ins with your family, more holidays with them, etc. But if you're 22 and spending New Years Eve with your best friends, I think that is more than acceptable.

pdimitar 5y ago
Yeah. Me and my brother were busting our arses off working back then, and father felt horribly about it because he left us nothing and he stopped working due to being way too ill. Life zooms by way too fast in such conditions and there's not much we can do about it.
- BigHatLogan 5y ago
  Yeah, that is indeed a complicated situation. I'm glad you and your brother navigated through it, and that it seems you have reconciled some of your feelings towards him. Life really does zoom past--"Time just gets away from us."
marttt 5y ago
Agreed. I suppose someone losing his dad at 22 is, by and large, an anomaly in the welfare society. My dad died when I was 26. We had a really good, warm relationship, though: driving in his car, sitting side by side, not talking a single word for 30-45 minutes, and both still feeling good. (Occasionally, though, in the end, he would ask something like "So, ugh, have you considered who to become when you're an adult?" -- to which I replied, "Uh, I guess I have, yeah." In a few still seconds, he'd say, "Yeah. Good idea to think about that." Disclaimer: national stereotype of us, Estonian men, is that we speak around 6 sentences a year -- but even at that time, as a teenager, I liked this blissful silence a lot.) Then again, losing dad at a young age has surely influenced my own parenting. Basically, I gave up all my career ambitions just to be with the kids when they were (are) preschoolers. Prior to his death, work stuff was really going uphill for the 20-something me; now, I admit really struggling to get back on track again (I may have missed the career train for good). I have also noticed an internal mantra or meme: I need to raise my kids so they could cope (psychologically and in terms of hands-on survival skills) if one of their parents, or both of their parents, should die unexpectedly. To the previous poster and GP: thanks a lot for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I sometimes think that maybe me and my dad had no principal misunderstandings simply because he died too early for these to develop.

Zababa 5y ago

> Good luck telling a 22-year old that they must prioritize spending time with their parents because life's too short. They'll just dismiss you in seconds. Just to give another side of that, I'm 24, and chose to stay in the same city where my parents are living so that I can see them at least every week for a dinner, and sometimes more. My brother did the same after living in another city for a few years. Part of it is due to basically everyone over 30 telling how precious the time you spend with your parents is. Since I saw this everywhere, I reflected a bit more about my relationship with my parents, and found that spending time with them on a weekly basis fills me with happiness. Without lots of people insisting on it, I may have missed that. I had my studies, had to look for a job, take care of my mental health, friends, hobbies. My parents didn't always have the place they deserve within my mind, and now, partially thanks to posts and comments like that, they do. So to everyone that talked about the importance of parents, thank you. I can't guarantee that I read your specific comment or article, but you are part of something that added some happiness and removed regrets from my life.

ido 5y ago
I'm 38 and had the same experience - not specifically about my mother but about prioritizing spending time with my wife & children even when it seems my work needs my time & attention. Usually everything works out fine even if I occasionally leave early to pick up my kid from kindergarten in the afternoon. I was raised to prioritize work above all and it took years and many similar discussions and texts like the above to make me realize it's not what makes me happy.

techsin101 5y ago

people often say what advice would you give to yourself or if you travelled back in time what would you tell yourself, and really there is no profound wisdom to depart. Everything I have done is based on my current understanding which is not really complete. Like looking back I may regret I wish I'd have done xyz more, but then if I actually had been doing that I would be regretting something new.

xattt 5y ago
Perhaps this part of my ruminating inner voice, but I think my wisdom to myself would come in small nudges: stay away from here, pay attention to this, ask for help with that.
JKCalhoun 5y ago
> Everything I have done is based on my current understanding which is not really complete. Sure, but that's what time traveller you brings to the table, some "future understanding". I would hope I would listen, deflect my trajectory somewhat at least.
- techsin101 5y ago
  but that's the thing, my new understanding may make me miss out on certain things... example: i go back and tell myself, work hard and learn programming. I go 200% on it, but then when i do it i realize i feel i missed out on life becuz i listened to my future self. Future self doesn't have perfect memory and dont really knew what my past was feeling and had perspective.
WalterBright 5y ago
> if you travelled back in time what would you tell yourself Mortgage the house and invest it all in MSFT.
- techsin101 5y ago
  financially there are very certain things I could tell - buy house in 2012 - buy bitcoin back then too - buy amazon stocks - short sell certain companies, i.e. blockbuster

JKCalhoun 5y ago

The "Walking Distance" episode of the original Twilight Zone is a classic. Captures you can't go back. But I have to say, I dearly want to hear what the elderly at the end of their lives have to say to us. Whether I act or not is up to me, but I want to hear their piece.