6 ms·

> Your nemesis is not your enemy. Or, put differently, your nemesis is more than just an enemy. Rather, the nemesis is an adversary is who is like your dark twi

by jawns 5y ago

> Your nemesis is not your enemy. Or, put differently, your nemesis is more than just an enemy. Rather, the nemesis is an adversary is who is like your dark twin. Even as you battle with the nemesis, you share a kind of DNA. The gaze at your nemesis is like looking into a mirror, but one of those fun house mirrors at the carnival, where everything is both recognizable and distorted. In every way, this relationship is more powerful and volatile than a battle between enemies. I have worked with people who fit this description, and I have certainly felt as if my desire to beat them, or at least not be beaten by them, has pushed me to do my best work. But it's fundamentally an adversarial relationship, and it reminds me a bit of my kids' favorite movie, "Monsters, Inc." You can become so convinced that you need fear to excel that you fail to realize there's a better way. The people who have TRULY led me to be my best have not been adversaries. They have been supportive mentors. They do everything that the nemeses do, in terms of bringing out the best work in me, but they do it through building up rather than tearing down. And when I say they do everything the nemeses do, I really mean that. I can't think of any way that a nemesis has led me to grow that couldn't have been also achieved by a strong, encouraging mentor or manager.

TravHatesMe 5y ago
> You can become so convinced that you need fear to excel that you fail to realize there's a better way. But this is such an effective way of excelling. My fear of failure influences my output. Abstractly, perhaps we each need different kinds of stress that will push us in different ways. I embrace fear because it is exciting and uncomfortable and challenging. Without it I would be lethargic and lazy.
- wins32767 5y ago
  > I embrace fear because it is exciting and uncomfortable and challenging. Without it I would be lethargic and lazy. I thought that for a while, but I found that really caring about the goal of what I was trying to achieve was enough to push me to do well. Not into the frenzied state that I had with a fear of failure, but a much more healthy (and surprisingly more effective) sustained push that lets me be clear headed enough to see where to put emphasis and focus. Now I'm more focused on winning versus not losing and that makes a big difference.
  - TravHatesMe 5y ago
    Interesting. Maybe I will change my ways in the future. Thanks for sharing
Vetch 5y ago
I think you're right, and I think what the author is actually trying to get at is what's known as a rival in anime (which is a bit more nuanced than the typical sense of rival) and roughly translates to friendly rivalry. Unlike the case for mentors, rivals need not have loads more experience. They can also be mutually beneficial in a largely positive sense and without antagonism, unlike the case for nemeses. But you can't be friendly if foundation is strewn with fear and insecurity. It's also important to be able to recognize if rivalry is causing too much stress and revisit your goals and priorities. Sometimes it's fine to explore and go at your own pace.
andrewflnr 5y ago
I bet a nemesis is a lot easier to find than a really good mentor, though. Like, orders of magnitude.
- bmer 5y ago
  It's not, because it's remarkably hard to find someone who is a "dark twin". People's life-trajectories are remarkably different, being chaotic processes, so it ends up being counter-productive to compare yourself to someone who seems similar to you. In general, your belief of how similar they are to you, or how aligned your goals are, is just that. A belief. One that is extremely difficult to prove, and might have terrible consequences (e.g. depression) if you're wrong. Let me put it this way: even actual twins, who grow up in the same household, are usually not worth comparing between. Contrary to popular belief, twin-studies are not well-accepted as good science, in part because we are beginning to appreciate the complexity that is gene regulation. In particular: epigenetics. (Humans don't have the largest genomes, but we do have genetic control systems that are far more sophisticated than those relatively simple organisms with larger genomes. More generally, mammals have sophisticated genetic control systems, compared to other organisms, but even within mammals, humans beat rats.)
  - celdon25 5y ago
    I think you are taking the "dark twin" phrase too far. There were plenty of differences between Tesla and Edison, Musk and Bezos, mentioned as examples in the article. The concept of nemesis isn't built upon conscious beliefs, but "repressed attraction" as the article states. There's nothing fundamental about this concept that requires that you be similar in every way to the nemesis. A few similarities in the right areas can be enough to drive the repressed attraction.
seer 5y ago
This was one of the revelations for me from the “seven habits” book. Adversarial relationships can be a great motivator, but it remains an external one. Depending on someone else to be the vehicle of your success is risky - they might not cooperate or do something different, or just disappear from your life, and now you’re empty. It can work, but I wouldn’t advise depending on it. Especially since there can be much better ways.
sitkack 5y ago
Introducing the ... Nementor. Part nemesis, all mentor. After they destroy you, they tell you how they did it. Or sometimes they go easy on you when they see you might get it.
- lvncelot 5y ago
  Not to be confused with the Mentesis, who will teach you malevolently to get the better of you.
  - endymi0n 5y ago
    Spot on actually. I‘ve found that adversarial techniques are underrated in constructive relationships. The times where I was thrown a friendly challenge from peers were gold. I once worked for a mentor of mine using elements of Provicative Therapy and thought zhat was weird… not doubting the effectivity anymore. http://www.provocativetherapy.com/what-is-provocative-therapy/ http://www.provocativetherapy.com/what-is-provocative-therap...
    - raxxorrax 5y ago
      Internet trolls are the real therapists.
  - cpfohl 5y ago
    Isn't this basically Wells 1.0 from the Flash?
- laurent92 5y ago
  I’m a beginner in management. In 3 years, the only interns who excelled are those whom I told had barely passed the interview and were paid the least. The ones I respected for their initial talent didn’t fully understand their subject matter and, notably, couldn’t do post-deployment customer interviews to check, loop back and reflect on their work. It deeply saddens me because it means saddistic managers obtain better results, and people perform better by being talked down. And that’s not a path I want to take and it’s hard to find the way to both congratulate people and get them to excel at their work (FYI we’re at 35h/week and we don’t do overtime here).
killjohncoulton 5y ago
thedonkeycometh 5y ago

by jawns 5y ago

TravHatesMe 5y ago

> You can become so convinced that you need fear to excel that you fail to realize there's a better way. But this is such an effective way of excelling. My fear of failure influences my output. Abstractly, perhaps we each need different kinds of stress that will push us in different ways. I embrace fear because it is exciting and uncomfortable and challenging. Without it I would be lethargic and lazy.

wins32767 5y ago
> I embrace fear because it is exciting and uncomfortable and challenging. Without it I would be lethargic and lazy. I thought that for a while, but I found that really caring about the goal of what I was trying to achieve was enough to push me to do well. Not into the frenzied state that I had with a fear of failure, but a much more healthy (and surprisingly more effective) sustained push that lets me be clear headed enough to see where to put emphasis and focus. Now I'm more focused on winning versus not losing and that makes a big difference.
- TravHatesMe 5y ago
  Interesting. Maybe I will change my ways in the future. Thanks for sharing

Vetch 5y ago

I think you're right, and I think what the author is actually trying to get at is what's known as a rival in anime (which is a bit more nuanced than the typical sense of rival) and roughly translates to friendly rivalry. Unlike the case for mentors, rivals need not have loads more experience. They can also be mutually beneficial in a largely positive sense and without antagonism, unlike the case for nemeses. But you can't be friendly if foundation is strewn with fear and insecurity. It's also important to be able to recognize if rivalry is causing too much stress and revisit your goals and priorities. Sometimes it's fine to explore and go at your own pace.

andrewflnr 5y ago

I bet a nemesis is a lot easier to find than a really good mentor, though. Like, orders of magnitude.

bmer 5y ago
It's not, because it's remarkably hard to find someone who is a "dark twin". People's life-trajectories are remarkably different, being chaotic processes, so it ends up being counter-productive to compare yourself to someone who seems similar to you. In general, your belief of how similar they are to you, or how aligned your goals are, is just that. A belief. One that is extremely difficult to prove, and might have terrible consequences (e.g. depression) if you're wrong. Let me put it this way: even actual twins, who grow up in the same household, are usually not worth comparing between. Contrary to popular belief, twin-studies are not well-accepted as good science, in part because we are beginning to appreciate the complexity that is gene regulation. In particular: epigenetics. (Humans don't have the largest genomes, but we do have genetic control systems that are far more sophisticated than those relatively simple organisms with larger genomes. More generally, mammals have sophisticated genetic control systems, compared to other organisms, but even within mammals, humans beat rats.)
- celdon25 5y ago
  I think you are taking the "dark twin" phrase too far. There were plenty of differences between Tesla and Edison, Musk and Bezos, mentioned as examples in the article. The concept of nemesis isn't built upon conscious beliefs, but "repressed attraction" as the article states. There's nothing fundamental about this concept that requires that you be similar in every way to the nemesis. A few similarities in the right areas can be enough to drive the repressed attraction.

seer 5y ago

This was one of the revelations for me from the “seven habits” book. Adversarial relationships can be a great motivator, but it remains an external one. Depending on someone else to be the vehicle of your success is risky - they might not cooperate or do something different, or just disappear from your life, and now you’re empty. It can work, but I wouldn’t advise depending on it. Especially since there can be much better ways.

sitkack 5y ago

Introducing the ... Nementor. Part nemesis, all mentor. After they destroy you, they tell you how they did it. Or sometimes they go easy on you when they see you might get it.

lvncelot 5y ago
Not to be confused with the Mentesis, who will teach you malevolently to get the better of you.
- endymi0n 5y ago
  Spot on actually. I‘ve found that adversarial techniques are underrated in constructive relationships. The times where I was thrown a friendly challenge from peers were gold. I once worked for a mentor of mine using elements of Provicative Therapy and thought zhat was weird… not doubting the effectivity anymore. http://www.provocativetherapy.com/what-is-provocative-therapy/ http://www.provocativetherapy.com/what-is-provocative-therap...
  - raxxorrax 5y ago
    Internet trolls are the real therapists.
- cpfohl 5y ago
  Isn't this basically Wells 1.0 from the Flash?
laurent92 5y ago
I’m a beginner in management. In 3 years, the only interns who excelled are those whom I told had barely passed the interview and were paid the least. The ones I respected for their initial talent didn’t fully understand their subject matter and, notably, couldn’t do post-deployment customer interviews to check, loop back and reflect on their work. It deeply saddens me because it means saddistic managers obtain better results, and people perform better by being talked down. And that’s not a path I want to take and it’s hard to find the way to both congratulate people and get them to excel at their work (FYI we’re at 35h/week and we don’t do overtime here).

killjohncoulton 5y ago

thedonkeycometh 5y ago